Anonymous: I Want Love…So Why Do I Keep Running From It?

WEBVTT
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In all the years that I've been doing this, the theme that I see is we believe other people far too often without saying, wait, does that resonate?
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Is that actually true in my own mind and my own psyche in my own world?
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Taking the moment, taking the moment to listen first to your own self.
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Right.
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Hi, I'm Dr.
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Lee Long, and I'm here with my co-host, Lila Pond, and this is Wait.
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Let's talk about that.
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Gosh, it's great to be here because today, this is a real unscripted style therapy session using the Wait framework.
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Now, the guest is anonymous for privacy and for the conversation that's happening to be in real time.
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Yeah, it's in real time because you know, most people don't struggle with the ideas of this concept.
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They struggle in real moments.
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And weight is meant to be used in real situations, not just understood intellectually.
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I love that because hearing it applied will help people see themselves more clearly and will hopefully help you as you listen to implement it in your own life.
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And as a reminder, my book, Wait, Where Am I in This comes out May 6th, 2026 and dives deeper into the weight concepts that you're hearing about in this podcast.
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So we would both like to encourage you as you listen to notice what comes up for you, not just for them.
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And as an extra challenge, please try to stay away from assumptions or judgment or opinions and just listen and please be present with us.
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That's a great word.
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Here we go.
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Okay, before we begin, a quick disclaimer that this conversation is for educational and entertainment purposes only.
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Although I am a licensed professional counselor in Texas, this podcast is not therapy, does not create a counselor-client relationship, and is not medical or mental health advice.
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By participating, our guest understands that this recording is public and consents to us editing and publishing this conversation.
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Do you confirm?
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Yes.
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Okay.
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Well, welcome.
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Hi.
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We have tissues.
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Ooh, let me actually get them.
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Okay.
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This podcast is to basically to help people understand the big question is where am I in this?
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And this is this moment, this situation where I find myself right now.
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Yeah.
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And so the hope is that walking through this with people that it will demonstrate what that question really means.
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When you hear it, it's kind of it like sits in the body.
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It like lands.
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Tell me we really easily.
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Yeah.
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Like where am I in this?
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Yes.
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It sits because it can be taken in so many different contexts and perspectives in so many different situations at every moment in life.
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Where am I in this?
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Whether that's a wrong coffee order or relationship.
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Yes.
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In every single context.
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And it really allows you to kind of tune in with what emotion is coming up from a bird's eye view.
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Yes.
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At least it does for me.
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That's what it feels in my body.
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Love that.
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Yeah.
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So did you bring a situation or a struggle or an issue today?
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I did.
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It's interesting because something that you had said to me when we first met has stuck with me this past year.
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And when you had asked me to bring something to the table, I had started making comments about how, like, no, I don't want kids.
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I don't want my freedom taken away from me.
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Uh, I don't want to be responsible for another human being.
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I can barely be responsible for myself.
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Um, even at the age that I am, I'm 36.
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And you just kind of looked at me and you said, you know, when that baby comes out and that oxytocin starts filling your body, none of that matters anymore.
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And I did exactly what I'm doing right now.
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It's like tearing up, and you gave me this look and said, it looks to me like you do want a family.
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And ever since then, I was like, dang it.
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And it's stuck with me over the past year.
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Um, and I have finally made the decision that I do want a family.
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And it's interesting because the child part doesn't scare me.
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It's the relationship with someone else that terrifies me.
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Okay.
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And I let that fear um override the absolute want that I've wanted my entire life that I've lied to myself about.
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Okay.
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Like I'll date people and I will put it out there first, like, yeah, I'm great with friends with benefits.
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Let's do that.
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So there's no commitment.
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So there's no commitment.
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So I can avoid it all.
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Okay.
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Um.
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And then if I end up getting attached or wanting more, I disappear.
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Interesting.
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Yeah.
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Disappear in the sense of I just pull away, or disappear in what sense?
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Emotionally, physically, all of the above?
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I would say all of the above.
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Okay.
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Um it's gotten better and it's it's gotten better because of who, depending on the person that I'm talking to.
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Okay.
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The last person I dated, he was very um, I guess more understanding and actually called me out on my bulk.
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Oh yeah.
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And asking the questions and what are you doing?
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Why are you so afraid of everything?
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So basically looking for you.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yeah.
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When I look back into my twenties, it was the other way around.
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I dated a lot of avoidant people.
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Okay.
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And was always like, wait, what happened?
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And now it's the other way around.
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I've swung to the other side.
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Where do you feel like you are in that swing?
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Like, where where are you in that?
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Hiding.
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From It's easier to hide than it is to be hurt on the deepest levels.
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The absolute deepest level.
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Okay.
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I've gone through that once, and it was that feeling of I'm gonna die.
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This hurt so bad, like I feel like I'm gonna die.
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So it felt super consuming.
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Yeah.
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Like my whole life revolved around that man.
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Did you feel like with your life revolving around him, where were you?
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Nowhere to be found.
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I was within his world.
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Ah Would it be safe for me to say then that in your mind that relationships are either consuming of you to where you disappear, or you're walled off saying, I'm not gonna give you any of me.
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Yeah, it's all or nothing.
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Okay.
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And most of my life is like that.
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How you do one thing is how you do everything.
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So it has seeped into all nooks and crevices of you.
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Okay.
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Because what I think I hear you saying is I don't want to lose myself.
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Yeah.
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It feels a little bit like that.
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And also I don't want to lose myself, and I don't want there to be the option of getting hurt.
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That there's a possibility of that.
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I'd rather just be like, oh no, never mind.
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I'd rather not have or I'd rather not um there be a risk.
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Okay.
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So I just won't take it at all.
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Got it.
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Mm-hmm.
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And because in your mind, where you are in the risk, is that it would be too devastating.
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Have you ever considered the thought of what it would be like to only risk a little bit?
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Like when you go to Vegas and you have like$1,000.
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I don't go to Vegas.
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Fair.
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Fair.
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Hypothetically.
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If we were to go to Vegas and you had$1,000 and you said, I'm not gonna lose, I'm not gonna go beyond the thousand dollars.
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Do you walk up to the roulette table and say$1,000 on red?
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No.
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Do you go to the nickel slots?
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Possibly.
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Because they also come with free drinks.
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Right.
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There is benefit, right?
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Yeah.
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Do you, and and my analogy is going to fall apart at some point here, and maybe it already has, but it's that space.
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There's this space, though, of deciding where's my limit.
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Where am I?
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In other words, it's an all or nothing, is what I'm understanding you to say.
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And that all or nothing kind of sets up a place for you that says, I'm either putting my thousand dollars on the table and I'm going red, and it's gonna be one spin of that little white ball.
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And if I hit, it hits.
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And if it doubles, it doubles.
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But if I lose, I lose everything.
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Yeah, that sounds like my life.
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Especially in dating.
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Okay.
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In that, what I'm hearing is that I lose myself in dating.
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Mm-hmm.
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Would it be fair to say, though, that the greatest gift you have to give somebody is you?
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Yeah.
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But in that same breath, would it be safe to say that the greatest gift you have for you is you.
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Absolutely.
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And so giving away the farm, where's your gift?
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Yeah.
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At that point it's gone.
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We've lost our thousand dollars.
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Mm-hmm.
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And it it's far more valuable than that, but we've lost everything we allocated for it.
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Fair.
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Yeah, fair.
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So and so would it make sense to stair step into something in such a way that I don't lose me in any of this?
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I maintain me and I share me with you, but I don't ever give how do I say this?
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It's not give all of me to you, but I don't give me to you in such a way that I lose me.
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Does that make sense?
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It does.
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And then the thought process that was coming up as you were speaking was those emotions and those feelings that come through, though.
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Okay.
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Are so consuming.
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Okay.
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And even though I know that's what I'm supposed to do, um, I spend more time fighting with myself on what I'm supposed to do.
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Okay.
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So then that becomes like it's like I'm losing myself within myself.
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Exactly.
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Does that make sense?
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Makes perfect sense.
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That's exactly it.
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Yeah.
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That's where I end up being in all of that.
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Okay.
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And that makes me pull away.
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That makes sense.
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I I would pull away too.
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And it's this feeling of I have worked so hard to regulate and heal and become this person I am today that I don't want to risk anything at all.
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I'd rather just not be in Vegas.
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Fair.
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When it's the one thing I want most in life.
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And the reason I don't want to be in Vegas is because my greatest fear in me is winning it all, and I don't know what to do with it.
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Ah.
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Do you know who Marianne Williamson is?
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No.
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She's an author, and one of her most famous quotes is I'm paraphrasing, but we are basically we're not afraid of losing or anything like that.
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Our greatest fear is our own power.
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And in this context, that's what it is.
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How do you make sense of that?
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It feels so overwhelming.
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And I have realized that I don't do well with overwhelming.
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I think it's because I grew up in so much chaos, in so much overwhelm.
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Okay.
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And now I'm on the other side, and it's I won't risk going back to that.
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So would it be safe for me to understand that as I grew up in an environment that I did not feel like I had control?
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Mm-hmm.
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And I don't want to ever feel out of control.
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Absolutely.
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Okay.
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So where am I in this?
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If I'm at if if if I'm you, then I'm protective.
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I don't I don't want to exercise this because if I exercise it, God only knows what will happen.
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Yeah.
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But the fear is I will be consumed.
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Is that consumed?
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And if I get what I want, I won't know what to do with it.
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There's no control.
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Okay.
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I will ruin it all.
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Ah.
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I can't trust myself with it.
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Yeah.
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How would you ruin it in your mind?
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By showing this part of me.
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The emotional part?
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The emotional part.
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The there can be days out of the month because I am a woman where I don't want to get out of bed.
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And that might be a past thing.
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Because just the memory flashing of a partner being like, what is the matter with you?
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The shaming and not allowing.
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When I do date, I get praised so much for you're so incredible.
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Like you have this beautiful personality, and you're artistic and all of these things, and blah blah blah.
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And all I can think of at the back of my head is like, yeah, if you only saw the other side, I wouldn't be that great to you.
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So you feel like you're hiding parts of you.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Because if I show those parts, it's over.
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And you that's your fear, right?
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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And then where would you be in the midst of that?
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The vision of like me in a ball on the floor, like in my last breakup.
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I don't ever want that to happen again.
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That pain is what you're wanting to keep away.
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Yeah.
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That if you show all of you to someone and it's not held tenderly, carefully, then it leaves you feeling too vulnerable and rejected.
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Absolutely.
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Okay.
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So I want to protect myself if I'm speaking as if I'm you, I want to protect myself from vulnerability because I vulnerability in the past has equaled rejection.
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Yes.
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Like I said before we sat down, that was interesting that this mirrors that the vulnerability scares a lot of people.
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But where are you in that?
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I am not scared of my own vulnerability.
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Okay.
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I'm scared of showing it to other people and not not necessarily other people, but a partner.
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I'm terrified of showing it to a partner.
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Because what would that mean in your mind?
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They don't know what to do with me.
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And where would you be in that moment?
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They don't know what to do with me.
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Where am I?
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I will go and handle this myself and come back when I'm nice and shiny and new.
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So if they don't know what to do with you, do you assume that that's something wrong with you?
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Hmm.
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:40.880
Maybe too muchness.
00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:49.200
Not that it's wrong with me, but that sense of you won't be able to handle all of it.
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:52.319
I can show you, I could probably show you a little bit of it.
00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:55.359
Because I'm human and it happens.
00:17:55.920 --> 00:18:02.480
And I usually will give a warning of look, I cry about everything, every emotion.
00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:05.519
I'm crying and I'm okay with that and I'm comfortable with that.
00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:25.519
But anything beyond that, like where it can get very expressive, and I allow myself to do that with girlfriends and in therapy sessions and retreats and all of that, and in my work, but with a partner, the mindset comes in.
00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:29.119
I know you won't be able to handle all of that.
00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:34.079
And I want to be able to bring that into a relationship.
00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:40.079
Is it safe to say that you are pre-deciding for him?
00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:40.720
Yep.
00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:43.279
Prior to knowing if it's true or not?
00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:44.720
Yeah, absolutely.
00:18:45.119 --> 00:18:45.440
Okay.
00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:47.920
Where are you in that?
00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:49.200
The predecision?
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:50.319
Controlling.
00:18:50.480 --> 00:18:50.799
Okay.
00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:56.000
Controlling the outcome, controlling the situation so that nothing bad happens to me.
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:05.359
Yet at the same time, there's tears in these moments about I don't want to be without a partner.
00:19:05.680 --> 00:19:06.000
Yeah.
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:09.119
To say that in a positive way is I want a partner.
00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:10.880
I want a family.
00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:13.359
I want this cohesive unit.
00:19:13.599 --> 00:19:14.000
Yeah.
00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:19.200
But I'm going to pre-decide for you, you can't handle me.
00:19:19.599 --> 00:19:20.240
Yeah.
00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:21.119
Hmm.
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:26.880
And I have met a couple of people, especially this last year.
00:19:27.119 --> 00:19:36.160
I've tried to move slower, and there have been a couple of gentlemen that have shown that, like, hey, everything's fine.
00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:38.400
I can handle what you're putting down.
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:47.599
And then there are circumstances that end up coming up that this can no longer move forward.
00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:50.960
For example, oh, I found out you're married.
00:19:51.279 --> 00:19:51.920
Great.
00:19:53.759 --> 00:19:54.799
That small detail.
00:19:55.119 --> 00:19:56.160
That's not gonna work.
00:19:56.480 --> 00:19:57.599
Yeah, yeah.
00:19:58.400 --> 00:20:08.960
And I have now realized um something that is coming up recently is I can tell when they are because I'm like, hmm, you're already trained.
00:20:09.039 --> 00:20:10.640
You're too kind to me.
00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:12.480
That's an interesting statement.
00:20:12.640 --> 00:20:13.839
You're already trained.
00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:14.640
Yeah.
00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:26.319
Because it's almost like you're partially reading my mind here, is that I think that in every relationship, I call it calibrating.
00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:31.519
That a person has to calibrate to another person.
00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:32.079
Yeah.
00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:35.440
We don't come pre-loaded per se.
00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:42.880
Parts of us are, but we're not pre-loaded to match perfectly with X person.
00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:43.680
Yeah.
00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:45.680
We learn that person.
00:20:46.559 --> 00:21:04.880
And in the learning process, we understand, oh, I see where the true most authentic version of me can fit with the most true authentic version of you, at least the most true and authentic version I'm willing to share and they're willing to share.
00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:05.440
Yeah.
00:21:05.839 --> 00:21:08.400
That we calibrate to understand.
00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:14.319
Like I have a good friend who was an engineer and he likes everything.
00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:17.759
He says often, like, yes, I think I have OCD.
00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:19.119
He doesn't have OCD.
00:21:19.279 --> 00:21:21.680
He just likes things very particular.
00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:23.440
Particular, crisp, and clean.
00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:27.039
And I don't care either way.
00:21:27.119 --> 00:21:28.480
I mean, I like order.
00:21:29.440 --> 00:21:40.240
But if we're working on a project together, I know that his preference is going to be that everything kind of lines up and the way that the tools work are going to be in a certain fashion.
00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:42.079
Like, I can oblige that.
00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:44.400
That doesn't take anything from me.
00:21:44.559 --> 00:21:46.079
And I can do that.
00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:54.880
That doesn't cause me to come outside of myself in such a way that I feel like I hey, hey, that you're asking too much of me.
00:21:55.039 --> 00:21:55.839
Does that make sense?
00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:56.640
Yes.
00:21:56.880 --> 00:21:58.000
And vice versa.
00:21:58.240 --> 00:21:59.599
He knows that I like things to come.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:10.079
Of flow easy, that I don't like things super rigid, that it's more of a of a process than it is an exactitude.
00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:16.240
And there's that give back in our friendship in that way.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:19.440
And we've been friends for probably 20 years.
00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:22.240
And so it's like we've learned each other in that.
00:22:22.400 --> 00:22:23.200
Does that make sense?
00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:23.599
Yes.
00:22:23.759 --> 00:22:26.880
So that I don't ever lose my sense of who I am.
00:22:27.039 --> 00:22:31.279
And I hope I've never asked him, but I hope he doesn't lose his sense of who he is.
00:22:31.519 --> 00:22:36.720
But we honor those parts of each other that we know are core to us.
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:37.359
Yeah.
00:22:37.599 --> 00:22:38.799
Does that make sense?
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:39.680
Yes.
00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:45.359
Through all of that, the words that kept sticking were this doesn't take anything from me.
00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:46.000
Yes.
00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:48.480
For me to do that, it doesn't take anything from me.
00:22:48.640 --> 00:22:49.039
Right.
00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:55.359
And I have a friendship with a male that he's gay, so it doesn't really mean anything on the other end.
00:22:56.160 --> 00:22:59.359
He calibrates a little bit better than a straight male would.
00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:02.799
But we've been friends for 20 years next year.
00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:05.920
And that was the relationship I thought of.
00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:11.759
When we need something from each other, we're very honest and communicative.
00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:13.920
I can't do that right now.
00:23:14.079 --> 00:23:15.200
Or what do you need?
00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:23.440
So I guess my question within that now is how do I begin to cultivate that in a romantic sense?
00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:32.880
Because when you begin to like someone, you want to just whatever you need, or at least for me.
00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:33.359
Okay.
00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:34.799
Now let's find you in that.
00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:35.119
Yeah.
00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:36.319
Why do I want to give?
00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:38.720
And the question is, where am I in that?
00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:43.839
Why do I want to give them whatever they want?
00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:45.359
Where am I?
00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:47.839
Looking for that acceptance.
00:23:47.920 --> 00:23:50.640
Like, if I give you this, you're not going to go anywhere.
00:23:52.240 --> 00:23:54.079
Do I believe I'm enough?
00:23:54.640 --> 00:23:56.400
I believe I'm enough.
00:23:57.039 --> 00:23:59.839
And sometimes too much.
00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:06.400
But if I give you enough, it'll be a fair trade, and you're not going to go anywhere.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:12.720
But what's interesting is with your friend, you're saying there's not a chance that it's going to be romantic.
00:24:12.799 --> 00:24:14.079
We're Plutonic friends.
00:24:14.319 --> 00:24:14.960
That's it.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:15.440
Yeah.
00:24:15.759 --> 00:24:20.160
I don't have that sense of being enough for you.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:21.039
Yeah.
00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:25.920
I don't feel like I have to overgive or appease you.
00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:28.640
But notice the shift.
00:24:29.519 --> 00:24:35.680
When something else is on the line there, then I feel like I have to now perform.
00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:39.119
Am I am I understanding you right?
00:24:39.920 --> 00:24:42.400
When it's a deeper connection.
00:24:43.599 --> 00:24:46.079
But deeper, is this friend of yours?
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:48.960
Is is he a deep connection?
00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:50.319
Absolutely.
00:24:50.880 --> 00:24:56.160
I used to say all the time that no one will ever love me as much as he does.
00:24:58.720 --> 00:25:00.160
Could I push a little bit?
00:25:00.480 --> 00:25:01.279
Absolutely.
00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:05.599
I will never allow anyone to love me as deep as he does.
00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:07.519
Yep.
00:25:11.279 --> 00:25:13.839
Because I are you afraid, where are you?
00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:17.039
Are you afraid that he's going to hurt you?
00:25:17.920 --> 00:25:20.160
The friend, or no.
00:25:20.640 --> 00:25:22.000
Were you in the beginning?
00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:24.000
I don't think so.
00:25:24.319 --> 00:25:25.440
It was just easy.
00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:26.079
Okay.
00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:29.119
And in that easy, where were you?
00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:31.920
Enjoying our relationship.
00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:40.079
Enjoying this friend, that commonalities and honesty and all of the things.
00:25:40.559 --> 00:25:47.680
So your question a moment ago was how do I how do I step into a romantic relationship and not lose myself?
00:25:47.839 --> 00:25:50.960
How do I do this without stepping out of me?
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:51.599
Yeah.
00:25:51.839 --> 00:25:52.400
Fair?
00:25:52.559 --> 00:25:53.039
Yeah.
00:25:53.279 --> 00:25:55.039
How did you do it with him?
00:25:56.000 --> 00:25:58.079
It's a really long time ago.
00:25:59.039 --> 00:26:01.039
I was also a very different person.
00:26:01.279 --> 00:26:01.599
Okay.
00:26:01.839 --> 00:26:03.119
I was 18 when we met.
00:26:03.359 --> 00:26:03.680
Okay.
00:26:04.319 --> 00:26:14.559
I know that my previous serious relationship has had such an impact on the way I've moved forward in dating.
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:16.640
We haven't been together for four years.
00:26:16.880 --> 00:26:23.680
And there are still times where things come up, and I'm like, I flash back to that relationship.
00:26:24.160 --> 00:26:25.359
Like in what way?
00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:33.200
Like, for example, I was talking to someone that I am talking to, dating, I don't know, all the labels, all the weird things.
00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:37.119
Um talking to a person that I want to see naked.
00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:40.720
And he knows about this previous relationship.
00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:45.039
And he had said something about how incredible I am.
00:26:45.359 --> 00:26:54.480
And it was instant sadness because what he praised me for, my ex-partner.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:26:58.799
I was like, yeah, he hated that about me.
00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:04.240
Why wasn't I enough for him?
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:06.000
Like, why couldn't he just love me?
00:27:06.079 --> 00:27:07.680
I'm so easy to love.
00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:10.400
I'm so easy to love.
00:27:10.799 --> 00:27:12.480
Are you convinced of that?
00:27:14.720 --> 00:27:23.680
Because I hear two sides to this that I'm too much, so I have to hide or or conceal parts of me.
00:27:23.839 --> 00:27:26.400
And then I hear, but I'm so easy to love.
00:27:26.640 --> 00:27:27.279
Yeah.
00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:30.559
And so it's like two different parts.
00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:31.519
Uh-huh.
00:27:31.920 --> 00:27:33.839
Which one do you believe?
00:27:36.079 --> 00:27:39.440
I swing more towards I'm so easy to love.
00:27:39.759 --> 00:27:40.079
Okay.
00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:44.319
And I would be an amazing and incredible partner.
00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:46.720
I am an amazing and incredible partner.
00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:47.200
Okay.
00:27:47.519 --> 00:27:56.319
And then the part of me that was so hurt by that relationship is like, yeah, but look what happened the last time.
00:27:56.799 --> 00:28:09.119
Is it fair to say that there is a belief, like your his opinion and your belief are colliding?
00:28:09.519 --> 00:28:10.720
Absolutely.
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:19.519
And his opinion is getting far more play in your mindset than your belief.
00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:20.640
Yes.
00:28:21.359 --> 00:28:25.599
So even after his exit, where am I in this?
00:28:25.839 --> 00:28:27.200
I believe him.
00:28:27.920 --> 00:28:30.319
I still think he hangs the moon.
00:28:30.559 --> 00:28:34.079
It's hard to think badly of someone when they're not a bad person.
00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:35.440
Oh, I agree.
00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:38.960
And I don't, I certainly don't want to encourage you to think badly of him.
00:28:39.119 --> 00:28:39.680
Not at all.
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:43.759
It's hard to break up with someone and disconnect when they're a good person.
00:28:44.079 --> 00:28:44.720
Absolutely.
00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:49.680
You know, usually during breakups, it's like, oh, this person did this and did this is why we're not together.
00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:54.720
He is such an incredible human being.
00:28:56.400 --> 00:28:59.200
Frankly, I think that's the healthiest way to break up.
00:28:59.359 --> 00:28:59.680
Yeah.
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:04.960
Why do we have to rip up somebody else to say, hey, we didn't fit?
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:06.400
Yeah, absolutely.
00:29:06.640 --> 00:29:07.599
You're a good human.
00:29:07.759 --> 00:29:08.960
I'm a good human.
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:10.559
Our values are different.
00:29:10.799 --> 00:29:12.559
Yeah, we just didn't calibrate well.
00:29:12.880 --> 00:29:13.279
Yeah.
00:29:13.519 --> 00:29:20.559
And just because we didn't calibrate well doesn't make either one of us bad, wrong, terrible, all these bad things.
00:29:21.759 --> 00:29:38.880
Because I was gonna say the scary thing about it is, but the sh strange thing about it is that if we rip up somebody else, we're the ones who carry around the rippings, the hate, the the disdain, the how dare they.
00:29:39.119 --> 00:29:40.799
We still carry them in our soul.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:41.680
Yeah.
00:29:42.079 --> 00:29:47.920
And so it's the it's the truly letting go and saying, I release you.
00:29:48.079 --> 00:29:50.000
I release me from that too.
00:29:50.240 --> 00:29:50.799
Yeah.
00:29:51.039 --> 00:29:52.480
You were a great human.
00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:53.759
We didn't fit.
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:56.559
I'm not releasing myself from it.
00:29:57.039 --> 00:29:58.160
That's the problem.
00:29:59.759 --> 00:30:13.039
Within that, I find this part of myself that because he's such an incredible human, and despite all the those other little things, uh, treated me incredible.
00:30:13.200 --> 00:30:16.640
It was the first time that I had ever been treated that way.
00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:17.039
Okay.
00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:22.559
It was the first time I had ever experienced being treated lovingly in a relationship.
00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:30.079
Um, so there is this part within me that's like, because of all these good things, how come?
00:30:30.319 --> 00:30:33.359
And that wants to keep trying and trying and trying.
00:30:33.680 --> 00:30:37.759
Well, hang on by that, like one phone call every six months.
00:30:38.319 --> 00:30:39.279
How are you?
00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:39.920
Yeah.
00:30:40.240 --> 00:30:42.799
And where are you in that?
00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:52.960
Not necessarily that one particularly.
00:30:53.279 --> 00:30:53.440
Okay.
00:30:53.920 --> 00:30:56.960
But the experience, the same feelings.
00:30:57.680 --> 00:31:07.039
But if I'm still holding on to what I thought I could have, but didn't, where is there room for the next person?
00:31:07.519 --> 00:31:08.319
There isn't.
00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:11.920
You get what's left over, and that's not fair.
00:31:12.160 --> 00:31:12.799
To who?
00:31:13.519 --> 00:31:14.720
To either of us.
00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:15.599
Right.
00:31:16.160 --> 00:31:17.519
Certainly not myself.
00:31:17.839 --> 00:31:18.480
Thank you.
00:31:18.960 --> 00:31:19.599
Yeah.
00:31:20.559 --> 00:31:25.680
Because you know the whole the the saying gosh, the disrespect to me, right?
00:31:25.920 --> 00:31:26.960
Come on now.
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:30.319
My gosh.
00:31:31.279 --> 00:31:32.640
Say more about that.
00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:39.200
I would never the first thought that came to mind was like, I would never want myself to be treated that way.
00:31:39.359 --> 00:31:40.799
And then finding you.
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:41.599
Yeah.
00:31:41.839 --> 00:31:48.319
And then I think about my girlfriends, and I'm like, I would never want them to treat themselves that way.
00:31:49.440 --> 00:31:51.680
That was an aha landing moment for sure.
00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:52.480
Love that.
00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:59.359
Like, oh my God, the absolute disrespect that I am doing to myself.
00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:01.519
Mm-hmm.
00:32:01.759 --> 00:32:02.400
Yeah.
00:32:03.119 --> 00:32:05.279
This is coming home to you.
00:32:05.759 --> 00:32:06.880
That's what that looks like.
00:32:06.960 --> 00:32:08.640
It's like, wait a second.
00:32:08.960 --> 00:32:10.960
I am disrespecting me.
00:32:11.200 --> 00:32:11.519
Yeah.
00:32:11.839 --> 00:32:16.240
In the sense that, you know, it's like the old saying, a square peg and a round hole.
00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:16.640
Mm-mm.
00:32:16.880 --> 00:32:17.279
Mm-hmm.
00:32:17.519 --> 00:32:20.319
This is like an oval peg and a round hole.
00:32:20.960 --> 00:32:27.359
It's like we're beating the fool out of that old oval peg, trying to make it fit because my gosh, it should.
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:27.920
Yeah.
00:32:28.160 --> 00:32:29.920
But it's doing damage.
00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:32.079
Just slightly.
00:32:32.559 --> 00:32:33.039
Right?
00:32:33.359 --> 00:32:39.599
But we keep thinking, oh, well, if I just shave a little here and change a little there, then it'll fit.
00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:40.160
Yeah.
00:32:40.319 --> 00:32:45.920
It's like, but what about honoring the fact that you're oval and not round?
00:32:46.079 --> 00:32:46.480
Yeah.
00:32:46.720 --> 00:32:50.960
And instead of criticizing oval, we embrace it.
00:32:51.279 --> 00:32:55.599
I would never try to squeeze myself into jeans two sizes too small.
00:32:56.240 --> 00:33:01.359
Then don't squeeze yourself into a relationship three sizes too small.
00:33:02.400 --> 00:33:03.039
Yeah.
00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:05.599
Wow, that was a really good moment.
00:33:07.680 --> 00:33:09.359
That's hitting really hard.
00:33:09.599 --> 00:33:10.240
Yeah.
00:33:10.559 --> 00:33:18.880
And as many times as you can hear it from other people, it's when it lands in your own body and you speak it back.
00:33:19.440 --> 00:33:24.480
Is when it's like you kind of have to hear it from your own self.
00:33:24.799 --> 00:33:26.240
And it's coming home to you.
00:33:26.480 --> 00:33:27.119
Yeah.
00:33:27.759 --> 00:33:28.400
Mm-hmm.
00:33:29.119 --> 00:33:34.880
All too often we try to live outside of ourselves because he said this and I believe him.
00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:39.680
And it's like, wait, if he said this, do I believe that?
00:33:39.839 --> 00:33:40.400
Is that true?
00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:41.440
Do you believe that?
00:33:41.519 --> 00:33:41.759
Yeah.
00:33:42.000 --> 00:33:42.319
Right.
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:56.960
I don't know that all I I genuinely believe, and in all the years that I've been doing this, the theme that I see is we've we believe other people far too often without saying, wait, does that resonate?
00:33:57.119 --> 00:34:03.920
Does that is that actually true in my own mind and my own psyche and my own world?
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:09.599
Taking the moment, taking the moment to listen first to your own self.
00:34:09.920 --> 00:34:10.559
Right.
00:34:10.960 --> 00:34:11.599
Yeah.
00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:12.639
Right.
00:34:13.360 --> 00:34:16.559
And not demanding that somebody else change.
00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:25.280
You know, several people have said to me, don't you think that what you're trying to do with people is, aren't you building a bunch of narcissists?
00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:27.199
I'm like, interesting.
00:34:27.519 --> 00:34:29.360
Yeah, I don't think you know what narcissism is.
00:34:29.599 --> 00:34:29.840
Yeah.
00:34:30.079 --> 00:34:30.800
Respectfully.
00:34:31.199 --> 00:34:32.159
The true definition.
00:34:32.400 --> 00:34:32.719
Right.
00:34:33.199 --> 00:34:37.760
True definition of narcissism is this idea that I don't know who I am.
00:34:37.840 --> 00:34:39.199
I have a deep wound.
00:34:39.360 --> 00:34:45.280
So I put on a mask and I ask you to tell me how great I am.
00:34:45.679 --> 00:34:47.679
I ask you to confirm in me.
00:34:47.760 --> 00:34:52.239
I'm asking the environment to make me feel a certain way.
00:34:52.480 --> 00:34:53.679
It's like, wait a minute.
00:34:53.760 --> 00:34:54.000
Yeah.
00:34:54.320 --> 00:34:54.639
No.
00:34:54.880 --> 00:34:57.119
Think if we did this even politically.
00:34:57.440 --> 00:34:58.960
That's what I was thinking about.
00:34:59.199 --> 00:35:00.480
Okay, tell me more.
00:35:02.239 --> 00:35:15.679
That the thought that came up for me was when you had said, um, you know, you're looking outside of yourself, you're thinking that this man, the his opinion matters of of you without checking in.
00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:20.079
I heard instantly, yeah, because I think so highly of him.
00:35:20.320 --> 00:35:25.679
In politics, so many people think so highly of these people.
00:35:26.320 --> 00:35:31.920
So whatever they say, it's an internalized, oh yeah, that's that is me.
00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:33.760
That is what I believe too.
00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:34.400
Right.
00:35:34.719 --> 00:35:37.440
Because of this pedestaling.
00:35:38.480 --> 00:35:38.960
Yeah.
00:35:39.360 --> 00:35:42.239
I like the word figure, political figure.
00:35:43.039 --> 00:35:46.400
Because they've left humanity in my mind.
00:35:46.639 --> 00:35:46.880
Yeah.
00:35:47.039 --> 00:35:47.280
Right.
00:35:47.360 --> 00:35:51.920
And it's like this this man in your life became a figure.
00:35:53.119 --> 00:35:58.000
And I respect him so much that what he says must be true.
00:35:58.320 --> 00:35:58.960
Yeah.
00:35:59.199 --> 00:36:02.400
Now, what he says can be true.
00:36:02.719 --> 00:36:04.880
Does that resonate with me?
00:36:05.199 --> 00:36:06.400
Is it my truth?
00:36:06.639 --> 00:36:07.119
Right.
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:11.440
Now, what I mean by that is if he says, now hang with me on this, okay?
00:36:11.599 --> 00:36:11.840
Okay.
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:15.039
Because this might be, uh, this might be.
00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:15.679
Okay.
00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:22.719
If he says, hey, you're too much, can that be true to him, but not true to you?
00:36:23.039 --> 00:36:24.079
Absolutely.
00:36:24.320 --> 00:36:26.480
And that's where we have to differ.
00:36:26.639 --> 00:36:27.760
You're like, okay.
00:36:27.920 --> 00:36:28.559
Yeah.
00:36:28.960 --> 00:36:34.239
But that I'm too much doesn't have to live inside your soul, right?
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:37.440
It doesn't have to take up residence inside of you.
00:36:37.599 --> 00:36:37.920
Yeah.
00:36:38.079 --> 00:36:45.119
It could simply be that, okay, that is too much for him.
00:36:45.920 --> 00:36:46.320
Mm-hmm.
00:36:46.559 --> 00:36:47.599
Not for everybody.
00:36:48.400 --> 00:36:48.719
Yeah.
00:36:49.199 --> 00:37:02.320
Now, if you slow down and you let that sink into you and say, wait, is this feeling, is this uh demonstration of a feeling, however we want to couch it, is that too much for me?
00:37:02.639 --> 00:37:06.639
Sometimes the answer could be yes, but often the answer will be no.
00:37:07.519 --> 00:37:12.719
And that calibrating, look, I know I'm a I'm an intense person.
00:37:13.280 --> 00:37:15.199
I say the same thing about myself.
00:37:16.719 --> 00:37:26.239
And one of the things that I appreciate about my wife is that she understands and appreciates my intensity.
00:37:27.360 --> 00:37:30.559
Now, there are times when my intensity is too great.
00:37:30.639 --> 00:37:34.159
And it's the hey, in my presence, I I can't.
00:37:34.320 --> 00:37:35.760
I need you to dial that back.
00:37:35.920 --> 00:37:38.000
Otherwise, I need to take a step back.
00:37:38.400 --> 00:37:39.679
In my presence.
00:37:40.960 --> 00:37:45.920
Not necessarily that you are too intense, but currently for me.
00:37:46.159 --> 00:37:46.719
Correct.
00:37:47.039 --> 00:37:48.079
In my presence.
00:37:48.239 --> 00:37:48.880
Correct.
00:37:49.119 --> 00:37:53.119
It's what I can tolerate, it's what my nervous system can tolerate in the moment.
00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:54.079
Yeah.
00:37:54.719 --> 00:37:57.440
But I know that that's not a rejection.
00:37:58.639 --> 00:38:00.800
Now, I have a choice.
00:38:01.039 --> 00:38:08.480
I either can turn the volume down a little bit, so to speak, or I can step away.
00:38:08.719 --> 00:38:09.039
Yeah.
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:15.440
But it's honoring that in-between space between my wife and I, saying, I see you too.
00:38:15.599 --> 00:38:16.000
Yeah.
00:38:16.239 --> 00:38:17.679
And language matters.
00:38:18.639 --> 00:38:21.840
Language absolutely matters within all of that.
00:38:22.239 --> 00:38:23.119
I think it does.
00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:30.960
And I think it's, I think that the from my perspective, the reason it does is because there has to be an understanding.
00:38:31.199 --> 00:38:31.599
Yeah.
00:38:31.760 --> 00:38:35.679
Because it would be very easy for my wife to look at me and say, You're too much.
00:38:35.920 --> 00:38:37.679
You need to tone it down.
00:38:37.920 --> 00:38:38.559
Yeah.
00:38:38.800 --> 00:38:42.880
And in that language, I could assume that and say, you're right.
00:38:43.199 --> 00:38:45.280
Or buzz off.
00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:46.480
Screw you.
00:38:46.639 --> 00:38:47.360
You're not enough.
00:38:47.519 --> 00:38:48.960
I'm too much, you're not enough.
00:38:49.119 --> 00:38:49.599
Mm-hmm.
00:38:50.079 --> 00:38:54.239
Now I would never say that to my wife because she's amazing.
00:38:54.639 --> 00:39:01.440
And there's that space of it being, but but if I do, if you're too much and you're not enough, who's it all about?
00:39:01.599 --> 00:39:03.280
It's externalizing everything.
00:39:03.599 --> 00:39:05.039
Pushing everything outwards.
00:39:05.280 --> 00:39:05.840
Right.
00:39:06.159 --> 00:39:07.599
You need to change.
00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:08.480
Yeah.
00:39:09.440 --> 00:39:11.360
Boundaries, they're for me.
00:39:11.440 --> 00:39:12.239
They're not for you.
00:39:12.320 --> 00:39:13.920
My boundaries are for me.
00:39:14.159 --> 00:39:17.599
And I'm the one who has to make sure that I honor them.
00:39:18.559 --> 00:39:20.000
I don't get to demand.
00:39:20.239 --> 00:39:22.960
I mean, I can try, but it's not gonna get you far.
00:39:23.280 --> 00:39:24.400
Not gonna work well.
00:39:24.800 --> 00:39:29.519
I don't get to demand that you you have to do this.
00:39:29.679 --> 00:39:30.639
You have mm-mm.
00:39:31.039 --> 00:39:31.280
Yeah.
00:39:31.519 --> 00:39:32.239
No, thank you.
00:39:32.639 --> 00:39:39.199
There's a saying that's um you'll get everything you want and you get to decide if you actually want it.
00:39:39.440 --> 00:39:44.000
And that's what kind of the thought process um within all of that.
00:39:44.480 --> 00:39:53.840
So going back to that landing strip, how do you then one not disrespect you and two honor you?
00:39:54.480 --> 00:40:02.639
The constant check-in, the constant check-in to my own body, my own intuition, my own beliefs and needs.
00:40:02.880 --> 00:40:03.360
Mm-hmm.
00:40:04.000 --> 00:40:05.920
So can I make a suggestion?
00:40:06.239 --> 00:40:07.360
Absolutely.
00:40:07.840 --> 00:40:11.519
I want to encourage you to ask the question where am I in this?
00:40:12.559 --> 00:40:19.679
In this moment, in this situation, in this whatever, but in this moment, what do I think?
00:40:20.079 --> 00:40:21.360
What do I feel?
00:40:21.599 --> 00:40:22.960
What do I believe?
00:40:23.119 --> 00:40:24.880
And what am I experiencing?
00:40:25.199 --> 00:40:31.519
I'm gonna need you to text those to me so that I can have them like on demand and just constantly.
00:40:31.920 --> 00:40:32.400
You got it?
00:40:32.559 --> 00:40:37.679
Whenever a moment comes up, hang on, I gotta look at my questions really quickly.
00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:41.599
But I guess in the in the in the end of it all, it's where am I in this?
00:40:41.840 --> 00:40:42.159
Yeah.
00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:43.519
Where am I in this?
00:40:43.760 --> 00:40:44.639
In this moment.
00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:46.079
Where am I in this?
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:47.360
What's going on with me?
00:40:47.519 --> 00:40:49.440
Wait, am I feeling sad?
00:40:49.599 --> 00:40:50.559
Am I not?
00:40:50.800 --> 00:40:52.000
Am I excited?
00:40:52.159 --> 00:40:53.440
Am I holding back?
00:40:53.679 --> 00:40:56.400
Okay, if I'm holding back, what am I holding back?
00:40:56.639 --> 00:40:59.679
Oh, it's not time yet to release all of that.
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:00.159
Okay.
00:41:00.639 --> 00:41:03.119
So I'm appropriately holding back, right?
00:41:03.360 --> 00:41:04.960
Yeah, that makes sense.
00:41:05.280 --> 00:41:19.440
But if it's a moment where there's growing intimacy, it's like, is this intimacy growing at a pace that feels acceptable, understandable, comfortable to me?
00:41:19.679 --> 00:41:25.360
And if not, it's hey, I see this is growing, and this is just where I am.
00:41:25.440 --> 00:41:27.760
And I hope you'll be patient with me.
00:41:28.159 --> 00:41:28.639
Yeah.
00:41:28.880 --> 00:41:34.880
I'm really trying to sort through things that I don't want to put in your lap to fix because they're not yours.
00:41:35.199 --> 00:41:35.679
Exactly.
00:41:35.760 --> 00:41:36.800
They're not yours.
00:41:37.039 --> 00:41:45.039
I do have a question about all of the hormones that end up surging through our body kind of override that sometimes.
00:41:45.599 --> 00:41:52.960
Um, with being an intense person, I also love the intensity and that's addicting.
00:41:53.599 --> 00:41:54.159
It can be.
00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:54.880
Yeah.
00:41:55.199 --> 00:42:05.199
For the most part, I would imagine that stopping and asking, where am I in this kind of slows the nervous system and slows everything down.
00:42:05.440 --> 00:42:05.840
100%.
00:42:06.400 --> 00:42:08.079
So that you can tune in.
00:42:08.320 --> 00:42:16.159
Cause even though right now in this moment, I can conceptualize this and understand all of this and take it all in.
00:42:16.400 --> 00:42:29.039
But when that man is in front of you and the hearts are flying out of your head like a cartoon, and all you want to be is like intertwined in that moment with this other person.
00:42:29.599 --> 00:42:33.920
Um, you don't necessarily hear the where am I in this?
00:42:34.079 --> 00:42:36.400
That may not be the best decision.
00:42:36.800 --> 00:42:37.360
Right.
00:42:37.679 --> 00:42:38.800
Two things.
00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:51.039
One, if you make this a practice of living where you are, you will know going into something like this, that's not a good idea for me.
00:42:51.840 --> 00:42:55.679
So I will make sure that I know where the break is.
00:42:55.840 --> 00:42:56.239
Yeah.
00:42:56.480 --> 00:43:03.679
Because if I'm only living on the accelerator of intensity, then I will pull an MM and lose myself.
00:43:03.920 --> 00:43:04.239
Yeah.
00:43:04.480 --> 00:43:05.199
You know what I mean?
00:43:05.360 --> 00:43:05.760
Yeah.
00:43:05.920 --> 00:43:07.679
I will lose myself in this moment.
00:43:07.840 --> 00:43:14.320
And then the collision of when I find myself, that's painful.
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:16.159
Got you.
00:43:16.320 --> 00:43:17.199
That makes sense.
00:43:17.360 --> 00:43:18.880
That's where the pain is.
00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:22.880
Is because we keep we come and we crash into ourselves.
00:43:23.760 --> 00:43:27.119
It's like Dave Matthews has this song crash into you.
00:43:27.360 --> 00:43:28.000
Love Dave Matthews.
00:43:28.239 --> 00:43:29.599
It's one of my favorites.
00:43:29.920 --> 00:43:34.559
And when you think about that, a crash comes with consequences.
00:43:35.599 --> 00:43:38.239
And do is that what I want to do?
00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:40.800
Because I don't want to lose myself in this moment.
00:43:40.880 --> 00:43:42.559
Because then what am I offering?
00:43:42.719 --> 00:43:43.360
Yeah.
00:43:44.000 --> 00:43:45.760
And what am I maintaining?
00:43:46.000 --> 00:43:50.719
And the parts of me that are left behind after the crash, it's like, well, what do I do with all that?
00:43:51.039 --> 00:43:52.159
Where am I?
00:43:52.480 --> 00:43:54.320
In parts all over the street.
00:43:54.800 --> 00:43:56.480
Having to do work all over again.
00:43:56.719 --> 00:43:57.360
That's right.
00:43:57.519 --> 00:43:58.159
Yeah.
00:43:58.480 --> 00:43:59.840
Scar after scar after scar.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:00.480
Scar.
00:44:00.719 --> 00:44:01.440
That makes sense.
00:44:01.760 --> 00:44:11.280
So I do think that it is in moments preceding those moments you know that are going to be really like hearts are going to be flying.
00:44:11.599 --> 00:44:13.599
And it's like, well, put on a bonnet.
00:44:15.039 --> 00:44:18.480
Because you don't, again, it's like, I don't want to lose myself in this moment.
00:44:18.639 --> 00:44:18.880
Yeah.
00:44:19.039 --> 00:44:22.400
It's like again, I'm going to take us back to our beginning analogy.
00:44:22.480 --> 00:44:28.800
If we're in Vegas, and I said you go with$1,000 to spend, and that's your limit.
00:44:28.960 --> 00:44:37.119
Don't bring a card that has unlimited swipes on it because the other end isn't unlimited.
00:44:38.159 --> 00:44:41.760
You don't want to get caught up in moments where you lose you.
00:44:42.159 --> 00:44:42.559
Yeah.
00:44:42.880 --> 00:44:44.639
Man, it's so addicting though.
00:44:44.880 --> 00:44:46.320
It feels so good.
00:44:47.119 --> 00:44:51.920
But if you look at one of the best drugs on earth is the human body, right?
00:44:52.159 --> 00:44:52.480
Yeah.
00:44:53.280 --> 00:44:55.519
It happens within our human body.
00:44:55.840 --> 00:45:02.159
And the thing about that is that in addiction, what am I looking for?
00:45:03.199 --> 00:45:05.119
Everything outside of me.
00:45:05.840 --> 00:45:06.800
The connection.
00:45:07.760 --> 00:45:08.880
Is it connection?
00:45:11.280 --> 00:45:15.599
The addiction is not connection, but it's what you're searching for.
00:45:16.079 --> 00:45:16.719
Seeking, right.
00:45:17.519 --> 00:45:23.360
But it's like walking around with a plug in, you know, saying, I I, you know, let's connect, let's connect.
00:45:23.440 --> 00:45:33.840
And you put it, you put the plug in something that is more wattage than the appliance can handle, or that it's calibrated for.
00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:34.960
Let me say it that way.
00:45:35.360 --> 00:45:39.679
I really love that word being used in all of this.
00:45:39.920 --> 00:45:40.400
Yeah.
00:45:40.800 --> 00:45:48.559
Because if I overwatt something that's not calibrated for that, what happens to that that appliance?
00:45:48.719 --> 00:45:49.119
Mm-hmm.
00:45:50.159 --> 00:45:50.960
Blows up.
00:45:51.119 --> 00:45:52.800
What happens inside of me?
00:45:52.960 --> 00:45:55.599
I'm not calibrated yet for this.
00:45:56.800 --> 00:45:59.119
I need to calibrate differently.
00:45:59.360 --> 00:46:03.039
This is a 210, and I'm this is set for 115.
00:46:03.679 --> 00:46:05.119
That's a difference.
00:46:05.360 --> 00:46:05.760
Yeah.
00:46:06.000 --> 00:46:08.480
I need to be aware of where I am.
00:46:08.639 --> 00:46:17.360
I need to know what the appliance of me, not to reduce us to appliance, but I need to be aware of where am I?
00:46:17.519 --> 00:46:18.880
What's my wattage?
00:46:19.119 --> 00:46:19.519
Yeah.
00:46:19.760 --> 00:46:20.800
Does that make sense?
00:46:21.039 --> 00:46:21.760
Absolutely.
00:46:22.000 --> 00:46:27.360
So, like you were saying, making it a practice, I'd imagine, in every single thing.
00:46:27.599 --> 00:46:30.159
Just start doing it on every single thing.
00:46:30.559 --> 00:46:31.280
Yes, yes.
00:46:31.360 --> 00:46:34.559
And I don't want you to feel, I don't want anyone to feel overwhelmed by it.
00:46:34.639 --> 00:46:34.960
Yeah.
00:46:35.199 --> 00:46:41.360
But it is uh as you're going along and it comes to mind, where am I in this?
00:46:42.320 --> 00:46:49.840
After my workout, I always, I always, I often go on a walk with some of the folks in the class.
00:46:50.079 --> 00:46:54.639
And there's always, often a sunset or sunrise.
00:46:55.360 --> 00:46:58.159
And I think to myself, where am I in this moment?
00:46:58.320 --> 00:47:02.719
I'm wanting to soak in that light.
00:47:02.960 --> 00:47:04.159
It's so beautiful.
00:47:04.239 --> 00:47:05.519
It's so amazing.
00:47:05.760 --> 00:47:08.000
I want to be present in this moment.
00:47:09.119 --> 00:47:12.000
And that is a it's a calibrating.
00:47:12.239 --> 00:47:15.599
Before I lift a heavy weight, where am I in this?
00:47:15.840 --> 00:47:18.719
Okay, I'm locked, I'm loaded, and I'm ready to go.
00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:20.400
I don't want to hurt myself.
00:47:20.559 --> 00:47:22.320
I'm getting older, you know.
00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:32.639
But I think it's in those moments that we ask ourselves when we're doing stuff, yeah, where am I in this?
00:47:32.800 --> 00:47:34.880
I'm kind of feeling mindless right now.
00:47:35.119 --> 00:47:40.719
I was sitting at home the other day and I found myself just grabbing my phone and I was like, wait, where are you?
00:47:40.960 --> 00:47:41.519
Bored?
00:47:41.679 --> 00:47:42.000
Okay.
00:47:42.239 --> 00:47:43.039
Sit in your boredom.
00:47:43.440 --> 00:47:44.159
Boredom's okay.
00:47:44.239 --> 00:47:45.760
It's where creativity comes from.
00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:46.639
Absolutely.
00:47:46.880 --> 00:47:52.719
And so I told myself, when I pick up my phone, I'm going to say, I'm picking up my phone to read that text.
00:47:52.960 --> 00:47:57.920
So that I don't pick up the phone and deal with all the other things that are like, why did I pick up my phone again?
00:47:58.079 --> 00:47:58.320
Yeah.
00:47:58.559 --> 00:48:02.400
It's being mindful of what I'm doing and where I am in that moment.
00:48:02.800 --> 00:48:06.480
It's like the next level of awareness.
00:48:06.719 --> 00:48:11.920
Like when you start learning awareness, that's what it feels like for me, is the next level.
00:48:12.239 --> 00:48:15.039
And it's the level of awareness of you.
00:48:16.400 --> 00:48:18.079
And that's the goal.
00:48:18.239 --> 00:48:23.440
So we don't lose us and take in all this lake water.
00:48:23.599 --> 00:48:23.920
Yeah.
00:48:24.400 --> 00:48:31.199
About what we should be, or how it should be this, or how it should and should and should and should, but we know this is me.
00:48:31.440 --> 00:48:32.880
That makes perfect sense.
00:48:33.119 --> 00:48:33.760
I love it.
00:48:33.920 --> 00:48:34.480
Yeah.
00:48:34.719 --> 00:48:35.920
Thank you for coming.
00:48:36.079 --> 00:48:37.360
Oh, thank you.
00:48:37.599 --> 00:48:40.400
This has been enriching for me.
00:48:40.719 --> 00:48:42.079
Thank you for your knowledge.
00:48:42.480 --> 00:48:47.440
So many like gold nuggets and things that have landed just within this right now.
00:48:47.760 --> 00:48:48.400
I love that.
00:48:48.559 --> 00:48:59.119
So I'm super excited to bring it into my world, but also to share it with my friends that are we all kind of have the same conversations.
00:48:59.280 --> 00:48:59.840
I love that.
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:02.159
So I'm like, guess what I learned?
00:49:03.599 --> 00:49:04.320
I'm really excited.
00:49:04.719 --> 00:49:05.199
I love that.
00:49:05.440 --> 00:49:05.760
Thank you.
00:49:05.920 --> 00:49:06.559
Yeah.
00:49:10.480 --> 00:49:16.079
What you heard is what slowing down can actually sound like.
00:49:16.480 --> 00:49:21.920
The goal wasn't to fix the guest, but to build an awareness and a clarity.
00:49:22.239 --> 00:49:28.800
Notice that even if your situation is different, the patterns often the same.
00:49:28.960 --> 00:49:30.559
Let me say that again.
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:35.840
Even if your situation is different, our patterns are typically the same.
00:49:36.000 --> 00:49:40.079
So notice what parts of the conversation felt familiar to you.
00:49:40.400 --> 00:49:46.639
Even ask yourself what part of me was activated while I was listening to that?
00:49:46.880 --> 00:49:52.880
How did I identify with the story that was being walked through?
00:49:53.119 --> 00:50:03.519
And the help, the assistance is a better word, of getting the speaker, the client, to stay with herself.
00:50:03.760 --> 00:50:04.079
Yeah.
00:50:04.400 --> 00:50:08.800
How gentle that was and how powerful.
00:50:09.599 --> 00:50:16.079
Yes, and I want to make sure that you consider the word activated doesn't always mean negative.
00:50:16.239 --> 00:50:18.480
What did it activate positively?
00:50:18.639 --> 00:50:20.239
What did you take from this?
00:50:20.400 --> 00:50:23.519
How do you know yourself differently or better?
00:50:23.840 --> 00:50:32.559
And it sounded like as things wrapped up between the two of you, Lee, that she was ready to see herself differently.
00:50:32.800 --> 00:50:33.199
Yes.
00:50:33.519 --> 00:50:40.159
In interactions where those old patterns, that old pattern loop gets activated.
00:50:40.400 --> 00:50:40.880
That's right.
00:50:41.119 --> 00:50:54.320
And I do think it's important for us to remember as we listen to this session between the two of you that this wasn't about her being selfish.
00:50:55.119 --> 00:51:01.679
In actuality, her coming to herself helped her to be more giving of herself.
00:51:03.360 --> 00:51:07.840
I'm so glad that it was brought out.
00:51:08.719 --> 00:51:16.880
If it's okay, I'd love to mention, you know, we spend a lot of time being taught me last, you first.
00:51:17.360 --> 00:51:25.840
We can't really love completely if we don't love ourselves in a complete and whole way.
00:51:26.079 --> 00:51:26.480
Right.
00:51:26.719 --> 00:51:27.920
Just for who we are.
00:51:28.079 --> 00:51:32.800
And then we can give somebody a more vulnerable love.
00:51:33.119 --> 00:51:33.679
That's right.
00:51:33.920 --> 00:51:36.320
A more whole-hearted love.
00:51:36.639 --> 00:51:36.960
Yes.
00:51:37.199 --> 00:51:54.079
You know, that's one of Brene Brown's uh shout out to Brene, our Texas sister here, is that um she found that true connection only happens in what she calls the whole-hearted, and they do it through vulnerability.
00:51:54.320 --> 00:51:56.400
And that's research-based.
00:51:56.639 --> 00:51:59.679
That's not just philosophy, that's reality.
00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:00.400
That's right.
00:52:00.639 --> 00:52:14.320
And I think staying with reality, which is what I heard you do throughout the session, and it helped her stay with reality instead of what she was imagining to be true about herself.
00:52:14.559 --> 00:52:14.800
Right.
00:52:15.039 --> 00:52:27.679
Old defense mechanisms may have worked when we were younger or may work when we don't understand our own value and are secure with that, they don't work anymore, especially when we're trying to relate to someone else.
00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:28.400
That's right.
00:52:28.559 --> 00:52:29.360
Well said.
00:52:29.679 --> 00:52:40.800
You know, in this interview, you probably heard me say things about where I am in moments, where I am in the sun, the sunrise.
00:52:41.039 --> 00:52:46.480
And I hope that you take from that that it is a self-location.
00:52:46.639 --> 00:52:48.880
It's not to the exclusion of other people.
00:52:49.119 --> 00:52:52.480
It's definitely not the to the exclusion of my values.
00:52:52.719 --> 00:52:56.239
The values actually drive the location.
00:52:56.800 --> 00:52:59.039
It's always starts with values.
00:52:59.199 --> 00:53:02.079
And my values are centered on my faith in God.
00:53:02.639 --> 00:53:11.679
Other people who don't have a faith in a higher power in God, in a greater religion, they still have values.
00:53:11.920 --> 00:53:16.719
Those values are the highest, that's your highest point, and that's how you orient yourself.
00:53:17.039 --> 00:53:18.719
Then it comes to you.
00:53:19.119 --> 00:53:22.719
You have to organize yourself as you see your values.
00:53:22.880 --> 00:53:29.679
And then that organization of your values into you, then it goes to other people.
00:53:29.920 --> 00:53:37.039
And so as I walk in the mornings with the sunrise, it's not that I'm organizing myself outside of my values.
00:53:37.119 --> 00:53:38.800
It's quite the opposite.
00:53:39.039 --> 00:53:49.119
It's that I'm organizing myself and understanding be here in this moment, enjoying what has been created for my eyes.
00:53:49.360 --> 00:53:53.519
That all too often we push ourselves to be outside of the moment.
00:53:53.679 --> 00:54:03.599
And when I'm talking about lifting and where am I in that moment, that moment is about understanding how I am showing up, values and all.
00:54:03.920 --> 00:54:18.159
And Lee, that is so important for us to remember that if all we do is focus on the external and want the environment to change to make us better on the inside, then we've missed what working out does for you.
00:54:18.320 --> 00:54:22.320
It makes you stronger, your infrastructure of your body stronger.
00:54:22.400 --> 00:54:26.800
So you show up from a place of security.
00:54:27.360 --> 00:54:33.119
And that's if if we were talking about muscles and lifting, that's muscle integrity.
00:54:33.199 --> 00:54:35.679
And that carries us through life.
00:54:35.920 --> 00:54:45.599
Well, knowing yourself and where you are in a locate, that location of an interaction with somebody, that's a value and that's a practice you carry through life.
00:54:45.679 --> 00:54:48.880
It's an infrastructure issue, if you will.
00:54:49.039 --> 00:55:02.159
I'm searching for a word here, but you know, it's that infrastructure strength that says, I can sit with you when you have an a different opinion or idea and it without judgment.
00:55:02.320 --> 00:55:02.880
That's right.
00:55:03.039 --> 00:55:04.960
And it's so less chaotic.
00:55:05.119 --> 00:55:09.599
It doesn't mean everybody's gonna agree with me, but it certainly cuts down on hate.
00:55:09.840 --> 00:55:12.400
It certainly cuts down on rigidity.
00:55:12.559 --> 00:55:15.360
And where we have rigidity, we're gonna break.
00:55:15.760 --> 00:55:17.920
And that means break in our relationships.
00:55:18.079 --> 00:55:21.760
We break in our relationship with ourselves, even when we're rigid.
00:55:21.920 --> 00:55:22.320
That's right.
00:55:22.559 --> 00:55:23.599
And it's so wonderful.
00:55:23.679 --> 00:55:29.440
It doesn't mean we're so open that we're um free love, peace, love, dove kind of thing.
00:55:29.599 --> 00:55:31.360
That's not what I'm getting at.
00:55:31.679 --> 00:55:41.440
I'm I'm getting at the fact that we can join and be close to someone else when we're close to our own understanding of ourselves.
00:55:41.760 --> 00:55:43.360
It frees us up to be able to do that.
00:55:43.679 --> 00:55:46.800
Even when we're as mad as a wet hand, as they say.
00:55:47.039 --> 00:55:47.360
That's right.
00:55:47.599 --> 00:55:58.239
We can stay with ourselves and not lose our marbles and lose the whole point of confronting whatever the controversy is or the conversation is calling for.
00:55:58.960 --> 00:56:00.320
I think that's important.
00:56:01.119 --> 00:56:02.880
You know, one last thing.
00:56:03.199 --> 00:56:10.960
I appreciate the words of scripture, ancient writings that bring us truth that help us live in a more secure way.
00:56:11.199 --> 00:56:21.519
And if you look at a place where it talks about fruit of the spirit, what the very last one that was written was the word self-control.
00:56:21.760 --> 00:56:30.960
And to me, that is what where am I helps me operate out of a place of self-control.
00:56:31.199 --> 00:56:31.840
That's right.
00:56:32.079 --> 00:56:43.599
Now there's a list of eight other items: love, joy, peace, patience, yeah, um, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, all those things.
00:56:43.840 --> 00:56:47.599
And I think the thing that holds all that together is self-control.
00:56:47.840 --> 00:56:49.280
So where am I in this?
00:56:49.440 --> 00:56:51.519
I gotta start with some self-control.
00:56:52.159 --> 00:56:58.719
Well, if you enjoyed what you heard today, subscribe and share with someone who may need to benefit from this.
00:56:58.960 --> 00:57:06.960
And one more reminder that my book that's available for pre-order on Amazon and it's coming out on May 6th.
00:57:07.199 --> 00:57:13.760
Please, you'll enjoy it and be challenged by it, and you'll probably read it twice.
00:57:14.559 --> 00:57:16.239
See you next time.