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Self-blame is stealing your youth and your
freedom.
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And it's time that we talk about it
because there's a particular kind
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of shame that is often ignored.
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It's not the shame of something that
happened to you,
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it's the shame of realizing I helped
create this.
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We talk an endless amount about forgiving
the people who have been harmful
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in our lives, letting go of toxic bosses,
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quitting the bad relationship,
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or forgiving our parents for doing the
best that they could.
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But I found the hardest person to forgive
is myself.
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And it's because I feel like I stayed too
long.
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I ignored red flags. And worst of all,
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for enjoying the prestige and the perks of
the situation before it turned toxic.
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I've told myself, you made your bed.
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Now it's time to lie in it. Who am I to
complain?
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Who am I to act brand new? So today we're
dismantling the culpability trap.
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Sometimes the best way to take
responsibility isn't to try and fix what
broke.
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It's to start building your exit ramp.
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Consider this your permission slip.
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Permission to admit when your past self
made a deal that your current self
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has outgrown. And permission to walk away
even when your pride takes a hit.
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This is Unpopular Decisions where we talk
about what it really takes
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to choose yourself even when it's not
popular.
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I'm your host, Jameelah Calhoun.
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If you've been enjoying our show,
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the best way to support our work is free
and only takes four seconds.
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Follow or subscribe wherever you're
listening right now and leave us
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a review on Apple or Spotify. It genuinely
helps these stories reach
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00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,391
the people who need them next.
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00:01:43,391 --> 00:01:47,734
In today's season two finale, it's just me
again.
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Season two has really shaken the tables
and we've gone into deeper conversations
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than ever before around decisions that
many of us never speak aloud,
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even after they work out.
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From suing your former employer to being
the victim of a dating scam
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to becoming a teen mother to terminating a
pregnancy.
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These stories were so powerful,
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but they also made me start to ask myself
why?
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Why are these the decisions that carry an
additional expectation of secrecy?
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I realized that all of these decisions
shared one factor:
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partial responsibility.
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How do you forgive yourself when you
weren't just a victim?
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You also participated. Unspoken decisions
carry secrecy,
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not because we're guilty, but because our
pride is at stake.
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This episode isn't for people who think
everything was their fault.
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We know it wasn't. And if you're still
wondering,
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I'm here to tell you it definitely wasn't.
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But this is for those of us who still
can't stop replaying what we could have
done
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differently. Let's get into it.
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You've heard me talk about the toxic job
that I stayed in for 18 months after
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I knew it wasn't working, how I tried to
self-care my way through it,
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and I've also shared with you the deeper,
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honest reason for why I stayed for so
long.
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It's because I became the golden
executive.
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I was praised by leadership and they
trusted me with projects that seemed
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impossible. I was getting promoted and
praised,
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and I soaked up the recognition.
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What I haven't talked as much about was my
prior marriage and divorce.
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I got married at 24, right before I went
to business school,
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which sounds insane to me now.
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I feel like a child bride and I side-eye
my parents for not putting a stop
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to the delusion. But you know how it is.
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I thought I was grown. I thought I had it
figured out.
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But the reality was we were incompatible
and we were young,
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making decisions independently instead of
as a unit.
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I was the primary breadwinner despite
being so young myself.
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Yet I received little romance and
emotional support in return.
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At the same time, I was the one getting
married while most of my friends were
still
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single. I arrived on my business school
campus with a partner,
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which if anyone's been to business school
or grad school,
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they make a big deal about. A lot of
people are moving to new cities
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to follow their partners' careers.
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It felt good to be chosen, to be part of
the married club,
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and to feel like I'd beaten the odds as a
Black woman in America finding
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a stable partner. This was around the time
where there were so many studies coming
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out on OKCupid and all these other sites
about the fact that Black women were much
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less likely to get married. And so I felt
like I had won a prize.
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In psychology, Sigmund Freud had a term
for this called secondary gains.
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And I know every once in a while I start
dropping these random,
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like psychology intellectual stuff,
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but walk with me here. It basically says
that sometimes we stay
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in painful situations because the pain is
buying us something that we want.
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Sometimes it's an ego stroke, sometimes
it's sympathy,
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sometimes it's literally money.
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And hey, that's important too.
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It means that while our primary experience
may be isn't great for us,
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there's a secondary thing that keeps us
stuck.
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For my job, my primary experience was
burnout,
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stress, and high blood pressure.
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But my secondary gain was feeling
indispensable,
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feeling validated, and getting to be the
hyper competent fixer again.
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And like I've shared before, that's my
happy place.
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that's the role I played since I was a
child.
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For my marriage, my primary experience was
being taken for granted,
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financial stress, and not having a shared
vision of our future.
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But my secondary gain was status,
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pride, and avoiding the insecurity of
being on my own.
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Basically, I was proud of this
relationship.
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And I was willing to allow myself to be
exploited for a time because
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I was profiting from the prestige.
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I was willing for a time to be unhappy in
my marriage because I
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was benefiting from the status.
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Sometimes the hardest thing to admit isn't
that we're suffering,
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it's that our suffering is actually
serving us.
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And that is a trap. When the environment
at my company eventually turned hostile
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and I went from golden child to scapegoat,
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my pride was decimated. And when I was
deciding to end my marriage after
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I had chosen it enthusiastically,
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I was embarrassed because if I'm honest,
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I had seen the subtle cracks early on.
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And I chose to rationalize them because I
wanted the dream and because
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I believed that I could fix or manage
anything that came up.
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And if anyone else was raised by an
immigrant parent who tried to raise
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you to anticipate anything that could go
wrong,
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having a situation like this where I
ultimately couldn't predict the future.
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That I ultimately couldn't fix or paper
over anything that came up later just
really
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shook my own confidence in myself.
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So when the job and marriage reached a
point where it was no longer working
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and no longer healthy, the guilt was
paralyzing.
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I kept telling myself, you picked this,
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you bragged about this life. And I didn't
want to turn around now and
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say that it was a mistake.
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making mistakes just wasn't a part of my
self-concept.
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The hardest part then wasn't just leaving,
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it was admitting that I had traded health
for praise and I had traded
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my self-worth for status. That's something
I know I'm not alone in,
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00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:32,578
even though it is really hard to admit,
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because
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Honestly, I'm listening to myself.
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00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:37,660
I'm like, what a douche She doesn't think
she makes mistakes.
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Like, hello. But, this dynamic actually
reminded me of a scene in Devil Wears
Prada,
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the first one. I recently watched Devil
Wears Prada 2 on a flight,
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which is honestly exactly where that
movie.
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Deserves to be watched. entertaining,
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but it's a plane watch, But there's that
iconic scene in the first movie where Andy
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is complaining about Miranda Priestley's
emotional abuse and toxicity.
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00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:08,390
Nigel looks at Andy and says,
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00:08:08,390 --> 00:08:10,851
You're not trying. You're whining.
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Millions of girls would kill for this job.
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That's it.
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The idea of feeling like one of the lucky
ones,
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like this was an opportunity that you have
to seize.
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Andy didn't stay because she was afraid of
Miranda,
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00:08:27,901 --> 00:08:31,252
but at some point she got seduced by the
prestige.
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She loved being the girl who could pull
off the impossible task and
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get the Harry Potter unreleased edition
for Miranda's daughters.
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She loved working her network of hot guys
And she also loved wearing
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the designer outfits. Honestly,
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I would have folded for the outfits too,
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because she was really eating that up.
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but the point is that
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People like us who struggle to forgive
themselves the most are often
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the ones who can clearly see how they
participated in their own circumstance.
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This took me back to some of the words
that have stayed with
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me after my conversation with Dion Dawson.
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We spoke with him in our episode 10 of
season two,
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and he was describing his emotional state
after finding himself homeless,
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sleeping in his car, and working overnight
shifts at Amazon.
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00:09:22,149 --> 00:09:25,611
Let's hear from him again describing this
experience.
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you had alluded to the fact that when you
came out of the military,
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you had done all this amazing journalism
work,
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00:09:30,453 --> 00:09:34,915
but then struggled to find your place What
were the parts of your
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identity that was tested during that
particular thing.
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Everything. Everything. It was
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Yeah.
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I'll tell you, I I came back and there
were stints where I was homeless.
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I was sleeping in my car. it was one of
the hardest things because
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it wasn't like when I was homeless when I
was a kid.
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You know what I mean? when you're homeless
as a kid and and you're trying
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00:09:53,109 --> 00:09:55,480
to figure things out, you ask God,
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Why is this happening to me? When you're
an adult,
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you actually ask God, how did I do this to
myself?
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And it was something that
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I had to wrestle with. it was extremely
painful because there was no one to blame.
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You know what I mean? There was no no
plan.
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I didn't know that that was the blank
slate at which I had to paint the canvas.
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00:10:13,751 --> 00:10:15,932
Up until then, life was painted for me.
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I didn't have an opportunity to decide
anything.
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It was always reactive. It was always
survival.
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But this this last decade out of a ~ 30
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six year old guy's journey has been about
what I decided to do.
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How did I do this to myself? Damn.
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00:10:35,249 --> 00:10:40,203
When he said that, I was shook because
it's so true.
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00:10:40,203 --> 00:10:45,037
It made me realize that adulthood gives us
agency,
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00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:49,351
but once we have agency, then we gain
blame too.
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00:10:49,351 --> 00:10:53,835
We take our own agency and weaponize it
against ourselves.
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00:10:53,976 --> 00:11:00,410
ultimately it can be a way that we feel
like we don't deserve to change.
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00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:04,963
We don't deserve to to pivot because we
made a choice.
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00:11:04,963 --> 00:11:09,026
We decided to take the job, to sleep with
that person,
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00:11:09,026 --> 00:11:14,029
to sign that contract, or to move to that
city sight unseen
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00:11:14,394 --> 00:11:20,326
Then we decided that any suffering that
came after those decisions were entirely
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00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:27,041
our fault. We turned self-blame into this
prison sentence that has no parole.
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00:11:27,099 --> 00:11:31,100
That's exactly what ate at me for years
after ending my marriage.
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00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:35,101
Leaving my marriage didn't just mean
grieving my relationship.
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00:11:35,101 --> 00:11:40,953
It also meant losing my identity as a wife
and frankly the status
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00:11:40,953 --> 00:11:42,113
of that as well.
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00:11:42,113 --> 00:11:46,896
But what really rocked me was this feeling
that my self-trust had been wounded.
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If I could be so wrong as to choose this
wrong relationship and take it
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00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:56,602
all the way to the altar, what else could
I be wrong about?
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Sometimes we're not grieving the
relationship or the job that hasn't worked
out.
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00:12:02,326 --> 00:12:06,649
We're grieving the version of ourselves
that believed that it would.
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00:12:06,649 --> 00:12:07,649
As
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00:12:07,169 --> 00:12:09,170
Someone who was the golden child,
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00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:11,911
used to being praised for being an old
soul,
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00:12:11,911 --> 00:12:15,753
wise beyond my years, I started to
question everything.
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00:12:15,753 --> 00:12:19,415
If I did this to myself, could I even
trust my judgment?
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00:12:19,415 --> 00:12:22,727
Hey, real quick before we dive back into
this story,
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00:12:22,727 --> 00:12:24,808
if this episode is hitting a nerve,
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00:12:24,808 --> 00:12:28,651
you're nodding along, or feel like we're
singing the story of your life with
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00:12:28,651 --> 00:12:32,413
our words, take five seconds right now to
hit that follow
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00:12:32,413 --> 00:12:35,054
or subscribe button wherever you're
listening.
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00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,186
When you subscribe, rate the show,
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00:12:37,186 --> 00:12:39,117
or text this episode to a friend,
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00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:44,060
it genuinely helps us reach more people
and inspire more brave life choices.
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00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:45,961
All right, let's get back into it.
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00:12:45,961 --> 00:12:51,985
And that question of judgment and
self-trust came up in so many
conversations from
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00:12:51,985 --> 00:12:55,032
season two, especially our conversation
with Tracy Hall,
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00:12:55,032 --> 00:12:57,004
who was a victim of a dating scam.
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00:12:57,004 --> 00:13:02,468
She was a tech executive responsible for
budgets of millions of dollars at her job.
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00:13:02,468 --> 00:13:07,762
And yet she could not have fathomed that
she would be someone who would lose over
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00:13:07,762 --> 00:13:11,874
$300,000 to a scam in her personal life.
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00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,136
It made her question everything.
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00:13:14,136 --> 00:13:19,980
And she said in that episode that shame
made her feel even more lonely.
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00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:23,032
She had to work on forgiving herself and
understanding.
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00:13:23,032 --> 00:13:26,613
How she was actually manipulated into that
situation.
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00:13:26,694 --> 00:13:29,616
we also heard it in the story from
Alexandra.
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00:13:29,616 --> 00:13:33,700
Even though many things were potentially
beyond her control,
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00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:37,723
even she mentioned how she wished she had
listened to the signs sooner,
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00:13:37,723 --> 00:13:40,185
that she had started planning her exit
sooner.
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00:13:40,185 --> 00:13:45,911
And then we have Becky. She crossed state
lines at 17 to have an abortion.
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For pregnancy she knew she didn't want and
she knew would change
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00:13:49,234 --> 00:13:51,466
the trajectory of her life. of course,
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00:13:51,466 --> 00:13:56,690
she was young, but she still says that she
felt responsible in some ways
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for the choice that she had made.
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But that choice shouldn't have come with a
life sentence.
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00:14:02,594 --> 00:14:06,146
This is where Becky's own words from
season two,
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00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:09,170
episode eleven, changed my brain
chemistry.
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00:14:09,170 --> 00:14:11,742
Abortion is one of the most politically,
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00:14:11,742 --> 00:14:17,626
socially, and profoundly emotionally
charged decisions that a woman can make.
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00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:22,529
Becky terminated two pregnancies and
reflected on how society treats people
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00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:26,714
who makes mistakes. She brought up an
analogy that has stayed with me ever
since.
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I felt like a failure. I felt embarrassed.
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00:14:29,385 --> 00:14:31,936
I felt ashamed. I felt all of those
things,
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not about ending the pregnancy,
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00:14:33,337 --> 00:14:35,228
but about getting pregnant, right?
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00:14:35,228 --> 00:14:40,321
I was a smart girl. I had a big future and
I did something dumb,
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you know? And I did know better.
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00:14:42,463 --> 00:14:44,434
And yet for a whole host of reasons,
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00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:48,974
I was victim to all of the things that
patriarchy does to young women that ended
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00:14:48,974 --> 00:14:52,114
up contributing to that situation I was
in.
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Now people can say it's because I made a
mistake and I should have
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to suffer those consequences of my
mistake.
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00:14:57,074 --> 00:15:03,974
But I also think that is really unfair in
that if someone who is 17
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00:15:03,974 --> 00:15:08,307
made the decision to ride a motorcycle
without a helmet and had some sort
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00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:13,249
of horrible experience where they needed
some sort of an emergency care
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00:15:13,249 --> 00:15:16,351
to keep them from being paralyzed We don't
look at them and say,
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00:15:16,351 --> 00:15:18,532
well, you were stupid. You knew better.
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00:15:18,532 --> 00:15:21,824
So now you have to suffer the consequences
of these actions when there
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00:15:21,824 --> 00:15:25,997
is a medical intervention that could help
prevent that and ruin the rest
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00:15:25,997 --> 00:15:28,478
of your life. And I look at this very much
the same.
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00:15:28,478 --> 00:15:29,769
Yes, I did something dumb.
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00:15:30,453 --> 00:15:32,606
There were reasons that Let's also not
forget,
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00:15:32,606 --> 00:15:36,017
I was 17. I didn't even have a fully
developed prefrontal cortex.
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00:15:36,017 --> 00:15:38,787
So let's say I rode my motorcycle without
a helmet,
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00:15:38,787 --> 00:15:41,989
And there was a devastating consequence to
that.
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00:15:41,989 --> 00:15:46,410
There was also a medical procedure
available to save my life from going down
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00:15:46,410 --> 00:15:48,971
a path that would have forever altered it
in a way
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00:15:49,251 --> 00:15:51,952
that in my opinion would have been much
for the worse.
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00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:54,672
I wouldn't have been able to go to college
I would have been forever tied
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00:15:54,672 --> 00:15:57,414
to a person with whom I had very little
relationship,
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00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,335
had no interest in being tied to for the
rest of my life,
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00:16:00,515 --> 00:16:04,647
I would have also then harmed my mom who
would have had to have been very involved
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00:16:04,647 --> 00:16:06,037
financially in all other ways.
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00:16:06,037 --> 00:16:08,438
But I never told, I couldn't tell people.
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00:16:08,438 --> 00:16:11,539
there was just, there's so much stigma
attached to this thing that the
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00:16:11,539 --> 00:16:14,360
kid in the helmet would not be not telling
people,
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00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,148
right? But I couldn't, and that
exacerbates everything,
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00:16:17,148 --> 00:16:20,722
because then I was alone. when you are
made to feel shame about something,
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00:16:20,722 --> 00:16:24,523
you don't talk about it, which only makes
the loneliness feel even worse
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00:16:24,523 --> 00:16:28,114
and then compounds the shame. Took me a
long time to get out of that.
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00:16:28,376 --> 00:16:32,078
That motorcycle example is truly profound.
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00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:37,515
And I didn't need that example to already
have empathy for women
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00:16:37,515 --> 00:16:41,007
who are making decisions about their
bodies,
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00:16:41,007 --> 00:16:46,964
but it helped give myself permission to
think about my various decisions through
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00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:52,986
a new light. We do not deny care to the
person who rode their motorcycle without
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00:16:52,986 --> 00:16:53,986
a helmet.
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00:16:53,831 --> 00:16:56,282
So why do we deny ourselves care?
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00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:59,424
Why do we tell ourselves that because we
ignore the red flags,
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00:16:59,424 --> 00:17:03,156
because we were impulsive, because we
spoke up,
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00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:08,919
or because we decided to walk away from
something without a safety net,
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00:17:08,919 --> 00:17:12,832
that all of a sudden we don't deserve a
happy ending.
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00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:14,803
We don't deserve an exit ramp.
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00:17:15,484 --> 00:17:21,116
I found it fascinating that car accidents
came up as metaphors in both
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00:17:21,116 --> 00:17:23,387
of our episodes on pregnancy loss.
294
00:17:23,388 --> 00:17:29,190
Elizabeth from episode 12, part two of our
A Tale of Two Abortion series,
295
00:17:29,190 --> 00:17:33,851
noted that there was a single question her
husband asked her that finally gave
296
00:17:33,851 --> 00:17:38,304
her clarity. It was a moment where she
needed to make a decision about whether
297
00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:44,856
to terminate a pregnancy where she had one
twin that was no longer with them,
298
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:48,558
and another twin who would have been born
with significant.
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00:17:48,558 --> 00:17:53,261
challenges. And he asked her, What would
you want me to do if you happened
300
00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:57,305
to be in a terrible car accident and you
were on life support?
301
00:17:57,305 --> 00:17:59,667
Her answer was clear immediately.
302
00:17:59,667 --> 00:18:05,292
She would have wanted a merciful passing
and for him to pull the plug.
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00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:10,055
We do not deny dignity and mercy to
someone who has suffered an injury,
304
00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:12,197
regardless of how it happened.
305
00:18:12,197 --> 00:18:16,731
And I think Elizabeth's story is also one
that reminds us all that even
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00:18:16,731 --> 00:18:19,083
if you had done everything perfectly,
307
00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:23,126
sometimes there's still circumstances that
are beyond our control.
308
00:18:23,126 --> 00:18:25,768
Overall, these conversations reminded me
309
00:18:25,768 --> 00:18:28,509
Mercy isn't reserved for innocent people.
310
00:18:28,509 --> 00:18:31,370
Mercy is for people who made mistakes too.
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00:18:31,370 --> 00:18:35,991
And you can be partially responsible
without being fully deserving
312
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:40,953
of every consequence. I think one of the
hardest parts of changing your life
313
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,574
is realizing you weren't completely
innocent.
314
00:18:43,574 --> 00:18:46,113
Shame says I did this to myself.
315
00:18:46,113 --> 00:18:48,774
Victimhood says I had no choice,
316
00:18:48,774 --> 00:18:50,755
but neither is actually healing,
317
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:53,356
and neither is usually true.
318
00:18:53,356 --> 00:18:55,646
So if any of this is hitting for you,
319
00:18:55,646 --> 00:19:00,159
I wanted to leave us behind with something
that can help us move from self-blame
320
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:02,890
and into self-authorship. you know,
321
00:19:02,890 --> 00:19:08,503
a framework is coming. this is what I'm
calling the culpability to grace audit.
322
00:19:08,503 --> 00:19:13,065
It's a four-step process to free yourself
from the choices that you've outgrown
323
00:19:13,105 --> 00:19:15,366
or you feel like you've participated in.
324
00:19:15,366 --> 00:19:16,366
Step one.
325
00:19:16,126 --> 00:19:21,538
Is the incentive audit. This is listing
those Freudian secondary gains.
326
00:19:21,538 --> 00:19:25,619
Write down everything your past self was
getting out of the deal.
327
00:19:25,619 --> 00:19:29,300
Status, financial security, feeling
needed,
328
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:33,412
societal approval. Healing requires that
we stop pretending that
329
00:19:33,412 --> 00:19:39,273
we were just helpless bystanders and
forgive your past self for having those
basic
330
00:19:39,273 --> 00:19:41,664
needs for approval and security.
331
00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:44,125
Step two is the helmet principle.
332
00:19:44,125 --> 00:19:46,806
This is where we decouple fault from care.
333
00:19:46,806 --> 00:19:51,739
Even if you rode the motorcycle without a
helmet and ignored the red flags
334
00:19:51,739 --> 00:19:54,130
in the interview or the dating stage,
335
00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:59,733
you still deserve emergency care and you
still deserve a parachute out of there.
336
00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:03,614
So triage yourself. What are you suffering
from right now?
337
00:20:03,614 --> 00:20:08,147
In what ways is continuing to stay in your
situation causing harm?
338
00:20:08,147 --> 00:20:10,468
The third piece is the pride check.
339
00:20:10,468 --> 00:20:14,430
If no one knew you ever made this
decision,
340
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:16,671
what would you do now to remedy it?
341
00:20:16,671 --> 00:20:20,653
What plan would you start to build if your
ego wasn't involved?
342
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:25,705
And another reframe that I found really
powerful is instead of thinking
343
00:20:25,705 --> 00:20:27,396
of everyone who might judge you,
344
00:20:27,396 --> 00:20:30,397
think of some of the people who might be
inspired by you.
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00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:33,979
And the last step is the absolution pivot.
346
00:20:33,979 --> 00:20:35,920
Write your absolution statement.
347
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:40,932
And it's this exact line. This is what I
wrote to myself when I needed
348
00:20:40,932 --> 00:20:47,446
to finally walk away from my marriage and
say no to staying at that job.
349
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:51,398
I made a deal based on who I was and what
I needed then.
350
00:20:51,398 --> 00:20:56,750
I am allowed to break the deal based on
who I am becoming and what I deserve now.
351
00:20:56,750 --> 00:21:02,494
I'll say that again. I made a deal based
on who I was and what I needed then.
352
00:21:02,494 --> 00:21:09,236
I am allowed to break that deal based on
who I am becoming and what I deserve now.
353
00:21:09,236 --> 00:21:12,497
You can write all of this, steps one
through four,
354
00:21:12,497 --> 00:21:14,178
in a letter to yourself.
355
00:21:14,178 --> 00:21:18,069
Here's the thing: the opposite of
victimhood isn't self-blame.
356
00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:22,849
It's self-compassion. And compassion isn't
something you earn by being innocent.
357
00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:26,169
Maybe you stayed too long. Maybe you
married the wrong person.
358
00:21:26,169 --> 00:21:28,229
Maybe you ignored your instincts.
359
00:21:28,229 --> 00:21:30,270
Maybe your pride got the better of you.
360
00:21:30,270 --> 00:21:34,111
Mine certainly did. But here's what I hope
we all remember.
361
00:21:34,111 --> 00:21:38,514
You can take responsibility without giving
yourself a life sentence.
362
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:42,878
Going back to Devil Wears Prada and that
famous Nigel scene.
363
00:21:42,878 --> 00:21:47,400
It wasn't really about shaming Andy He was
really telling her,
364
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:51,043
you say you're trapped, but you're still
choosing it.
365
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,034
And that's the uncomfortable truth.
366
00:21:53,034 --> 00:21:55,886
Millions of girls would kill for that job.
367
00:21:55,886 --> 00:21:57,727
And sometimes when we're staying,
368
00:21:57,727 --> 00:22:01,210
we have to own that we're staying because
we're getting something from
369
00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:06,533
it that we want. the great part is that
once you own your own agency
370
00:22:06,753 --> 00:22:09,135
in staying and in your decision,
371
00:22:09,135 --> 00:22:13,198
you can reclaim it. That's actually what
Nigel was offering her.
372
00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:18,222
Not judgment, but agency to make a
different choice if that's really what
373
00:22:18,222 --> 00:22:19,222
she wanted.
374
00:22:18,893 --> 00:22:23,134
At the end of the movie, when Andy is
walking away from it all,
375
00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:27,736
it's an empowering message because once
she owned her part in it,
376
00:22:27,736 --> 00:22:33,457
the part of herself that was enjoying the
prestige and the outfits again,
377
00:22:33,457 --> 00:22:38,738
she could make a conscious choice to do
something different She could chuck that
378
00:22:38,738 --> 00:22:42,700
phone into the fountain, let go of the
secondary gains,
379
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:44,320
and come back to herself.
380
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,633
Forgiveness isn't pretending you weren't
part of the story.
381
00:22:47,633 --> 00:22:52,387
It's refusing to believe that what you are
experiencing right now has
382
00:22:52,387 --> 00:22:56,179
to be the ending. Admitting that a
situation no longer works,
383
00:22:56,179 --> 00:22:59,663
especially one you chose proudly in the
beginning,
384
00:22:59,663 --> 00:23:02,726
isn't a failure of intelligence or
judgment.
385
00:23:02,726 --> 00:23:05,028
It's a profound act of bravery.
386
00:23:05,028 --> 00:23:07,090
Your pride might take a scratch.
387
00:23:07,090 --> 00:23:09,641
But your freedom will stay intact.
388
00:23:09,641 --> 00:23:11,662
And that's what really matters.
389
00:23:11,662 --> 00:23:13,923
So that's it for this episode.
390
00:23:13,923 --> 00:23:18,345
And that's it for season two of Unpopular
Decisions.
391
00:23:18,345 --> 00:23:22,837
We will be taking a break from our regular
full-length episodes during
392
00:23:22,837 --> 00:23:27,717
the month of August. new episodes will
start up again on Tuesday,
393
00:23:27,717 --> 00:23:29,797
September 1st. During the break,
394
00:23:29,797 --> 00:23:33,038
we'll be bringing you replays of our
favorite episodes,
395
00:23:33,038 --> 00:23:34,239
deleted scenes.
396
00:23:34,239 --> 00:23:37,640
And I'll be answering behind the scenes
questions from you,
397
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:42,183
our audience. Check out the show notes for
a link to submit your questions,
398
00:23:42,183 --> 00:23:45,624
and you don't want to miss these fun
episodes during our break.
399
00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:48,606
If something in this conversation
resonated with you,
400
00:23:48,606 --> 00:23:53,328
please share it with a friend who's
currently holding themselves hostage
because
401
00:23:53,328 --> 00:23:58,369
of a past decision. Make sure to follow
and subscribe Unpopular Decisions wherever
402
00:23:58,369 --> 00:23:59,690
you get your podcasts.
403
00:23:59,690 --> 00:24:03,396
We are on a mission to spark one million
brave life choices.
404
00:24:03,396 --> 00:24:07,322
And forgiving yourself for the choices
that are no longer serving you
405
00:24:07,563 --> 00:24:12,000
is where it all begins. Thank you for
listening and I'm glad you're here.
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,821
Self-blame is stealing your youth and your
freedom.
2
00:00:02,821 --> 00:00:05,822
And it's time that we talk about it
because there's a particular kind
3
00:00:05,822 --> 00:00:07,642
of shame that is often ignored.
4
00:00:07,642 --> 00:00:10,283
It's not the shame of something that
happened to you,
5
00:00:10,283 --> 00:00:13,584
it's the shame of realizing I helped
create this.
6
00:00:13,584 --> 00:00:18,305
We talk an endless amount about forgiving
the people who have been harmful
7
00:00:18,305 --> 00:00:21,706
in our lives, letting go of toxic bosses,
8
00:00:21,706 --> 00:00:23,887
quitting the bad relationship,
9
00:00:23,887 --> 00:00:27,568
or forgiving our parents for doing the
best that they could.
10
00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:31,187
But I found the hardest person to forgive
is myself.
11
00:00:31,187 --> 00:00:34,649
And it's because I feel like I stayed too
long.
12
00:00:34,649 --> 00:00:37,891
I ignored red flags. And worst of all,
13
00:00:37,891 --> 00:00:43,867
for enjoying the prestige and the perks of
the situation before it turned toxic.
14
00:00:43,867 --> 00:00:46,389
I've told myself, you made your bed.
15
00:00:46,389 --> 00:00:50,133
Now it's time to lie in it. Who am I to
complain?
16
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:55,487
Who am I to act brand new? So today we're
dismantling the culpability trap.
17
00:00:55,487 --> 00:00:59,871
Sometimes the best way to take
responsibility isn't to try and fix what
broke.
18
00:00:59,871 --> 00:01:01,832
It's to start building your exit ramp.
19
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,938
Consider this your permission slip.
20
00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:13,922
Permission to admit when your past self
made a deal that your current self
21
00:01:13,922 --> 00:01:18,785
has outgrown. And permission to walk away
even when your pride takes a hit.
22
00:01:18,785 --> 00:01:22,718
This is Unpopular Decisions where we talk
about what it really takes
23
00:01:22,718 --> 00:01:25,590
to choose yourself even when it's not
popular.
24
00:01:25,590 --> 00:01:27,391
I'm your host, Jameelah Calhoun.
25
00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:29,192
If you've been enjoying our show,
26
00:01:29,192 --> 00:01:33,535
the best way to support our work is free
and only takes four seconds.
27
00:01:33,535 --> 00:01:37,467
Follow or subscribe wherever you're
listening right now and leave us
28
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:41,720
a review on Apple or Spotify. It genuinely
helps these stories reach
29
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,391
the people who need them next.
30
00:01:43,391 --> 00:01:47,734
In today's season two finale, it's just me
again.
31
00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:53,547
Season two has really shaken the tables
and we've gone into deeper conversations
32
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:58,500
than ever before around decisions that
many of us never speak aloud,
33
00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,281
even after they work out.
34
00:02:00,281 --> 00:02:04,792
From suing your former employer to being
the victim of a dating scam
35
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:09,094
to becoming a teen mother to terminating a
pregnancy.
36
00:02:09,094 --> 00:02:11,414
These stories were so powerful,
37
00:02:11,414 --> 00:02:14,194
but they also made me start to ask myself
why?
38
00:02:14,194 --> 00:02:19,515
Why are these the decisions that carry an
additional expectation of secrecy?
39
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:23,096
I realized that all of these decisions
shared one factor:
40
00:02:23,096 --> 00:02:24,826
partial responsibility.
41
00:02:24,957 --> 00:02:27,689
How do you forgive yourself when you
weren't just a victim?
42
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:31,841
You also participated. Unspoken decisions
carry secrecy,
43
00:02:31,841 --> 00:02:35,794
not because we're guilty, but because our
pride is at stake.
44
00:02:35,794 --> 00:02:39,456
This episode isn't for people who think
everything was their fault.
45
00:02:39,456 --> 00:02:42,478
We know it wasn't. And if you're still
wondering,
46
00:02:42,478 --> 00:02:44,939
I'm here to tell you it definitely wasn't.
47
00:02:44,939 --> 00:02:49,114
But this is for those of us who still
can't stop replaying what we could have
done
48
00:02:49,114 --> 00:02:50,718
differently. Let's get into it.
49
00:02:50,718 --> 00:02:54,872
You've heard me talk about the toxic job
that I stayed in for 18 months after
50
00:02:54,872 --> 00:02:58,745
I knew it wasn't working, how I tried to
self-care my way through it,
51
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:01,408
and I've also shared with you the deeper,
52
00:03:01,408 --> 00:03:04,050
honest reason for why I stayed for so
long.
53
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:06,813
It's because I became the golden
executive.
54
00:03:06,813 --> 00:03:11,167
I was praised by leadership and they
trusted me with projects that seemed
55
00:03:11,167 --> 00:03:14,390
impossible. I was getting promoted and
praised,
56
00:03:14,390 --> 00:03:16,212
and I soaked up the recognition.
57
00:03:16,212 --> 00:03:20,485
What I haven't talked as much about was my
prior marriage and divorce.
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00:03:20,485 --> 00:03:23,827
I got married at 24, right before I went
to business school,
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00:03:23,827 --> 00:03:26,149
which sounds insane to me now.
60
00:03:26,529 --> 00:03:30,190
I feel like a child bride and I side-eye
my parents for not putting a stop
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00:03:30,190 --> 00:03:33,031
to the delusion. But you know how it is.
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00:03:33,031 --> 00:03:35,789
I thought I was grown. I thought I had it
figured out.
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00:03:35,789 --> 00:03:39,210
But the reality was we were incompatible
and we were young,
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00:03:39,210 --> 00:03:42,490
making decisions independently instead of
as a unit.
65
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:46,581
I was the primary breadwinner despite
being so young myself.
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00:03:46,581 --> 00:03:50,179
Yet I received little romance and
emotional support in return.
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00:03:50,179 --> 00:03:54,202
At the same time, I was the one getting
married while most of my friends were
still
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00:03:54,202 --> 00:03:58,145
single. I arrived on my business school
campus with a partner,
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00:03:58,145 --> 00:04:01,697
which if anyone's been to business school
or grad school,
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00:04:01,697 --> 00:04:06,441
they make a big deal about. A lot of
people are moving to new cities
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00:04:06,441 --> 00:04:08,152
to follow their partners' careers.
72
00:04:08,152 --> 00:04:11,673
It felt good to be chosen, to be part of
the married club,
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00:04:11,673 --> 00:04:16,004
and to feel like I'd beaten the odds as a
Black woman in America finding
74
00:04:16,004 --> 00:04:20,435
a stable partner. This was around the time
where there were so many studies coming
75
00:04:20,435 --> 00:04:25,918
out on OKCupid and all these other sites
about the fact that Black women were much
76
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:30,739
less likely to get married. And so I felt
like I had won a prize.
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00:04:30,739 --> 00:04:35,820
In psychology, Sigmund Freud had a term
for this called secondary gains.
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00:04:35,820 --> 00:04:39,021
And I know every once in a while I start
dropping these random,
79
00:04:39,021 --> 00:04:41,032
like psychology intellectual stuff,
80
00:04:41,032 --> 00:04:45,313
but walk with me here. It basically says
that sometimes we stay
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00:04:45,313 --> 00:04:49,944
in painful situations because the pain is
buying us something that we want.
82
00:04:49,944 --> 00:04:53,885
Sometimes it's an ego stroke, sometimes
it's sympathy,
83
00:04:53,885 --> 00:04:56,036
sometimes it's literally money.
84
00:04:56,036 --> 00:04:58,067
And hey, that's important too.
85
00:04:58,487 --> 00:05:02,559
It means that while our primary experience
may be isn't great for us,
86
00:05:02,559 --> 00:05:05,061
there's a secondary thing that keeps us
stuck.
87
00:05:05,061 --> 00:05:08,843
For my job, my primary experience was
burnout,
88
00:05:08,843 --> 00:05:11,004
stress, and high blood pressure.
89
00:05:11,004 --> 00:05:14,666
But my secondary gain was feeling
indispensable,
90
00:05:14,666 --> 00:05:19,549
feeling validated, and getting to be the
hyper competent fixer again.
91
00:05:19,549 --> 00:05:22,711
And like I've shared before, that's my
happy place.
92
00:05:22,711 --> 00:05:25,173
that's the role I played since I was a
child.
93
00:05:25,173 --> 00:05:29,933
For my marriage, my primary experience was
being taken for granted,
94
00:05:29,933 --> 00:05:34,258
financial stress, and not having a shared
vision of our future.
95
00:05:34,258 --> 00:05:37,320
But my secondary gain was status,
96
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:41,722
pride, and avoiding the insecurity of
being on my own.
97
00:05:41,722 --> 00:05:44,743
Basically, I was proud of this
relationship.
98
00:05:44,743 --> 00:05:49,185
And I was willing to allow myself to be
exploited for a time because
99
00:05:49,185 --> 00:05:51,486
I was profiting from the prestige.
100
00:05:51,486 --> 00:05:55,127
I was willing for a time to be unhappy in
my marriage because I
101
00:05:55,127 --> 00:05:56,968
was benefiting from the status.
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00:05:56,968 --> 00:06:01,350
Sometimes the hardest thing to admit isn't
that we're suffering,
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00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:04,471
it's that our suffering is actually
serving us.
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00:06:04,471 --> 00:06:09,843
And that is a trap. When the environment
at my company eventually turned hostile
105
00:06:09,843 --> 00:06:12,194
and I went from golden child to scapegoat,
106
00:06:12,194 --> 00:06:16,816
my pride was decimated. And when I was
deciding to end my marriage after
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00:06:16,816 --> 00:06:19,237
I had chosen it enthusiastically,
108
00:06:19,237 --> 00:06:21,669
I was embarrassed because if I'm honest,
109
00:06:21,669 --> 00:06:24,141
I had seen the subtle cracks early on.
110
00:06:24,141 --> 00:06:28,573
And I chose to rationalize them because I
wanted the dream and because
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00:06:28,573 --> 00:06:32,206
I believed that I could fix or manage
anything that came up.
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00:06:32,206 --> 00:06:37,571
And if anyone else was raised by an
immigrant parent who tried to raise
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00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:40,453
you to anticipate anything that could go
wrong,
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00:06:40,453 --> 00:06:45,517
having a situation like this where I
ultimately couldn't predict the future.
115
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:52,571
That I ultimately couldn't fix or paper
over anything that came up later just
really
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00:06:52,571 --> 00:06:54,882
shook my own confidence in myself.
117
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:59,705
So when the job and marriage reached a
point where it was no longer working
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00:06:59,705 --> 00:07:03,227
and no longer healthy, the guilt was
paralyzing.
119
00:07:03,227 --> 00:07:05,768
I kept telling myself, you picked this,
120
00:07:05,768 --> 00:07:09,890
you bragged about this life. And I didn't
want to turn around now and
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00:07:09,890 --> 00:07:11,371
say that it was a mistake.
122
00:07:11,491 --> 00:07:14,704
making mistakes just wasn't a part of my
self-concept.
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00:07:14,704 --> 00:07:18,647
The hardest part then wasn't just leaving,
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00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:24,290
it was admitting that I had traded health
for praise and I had traded
125
00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:29,896
my self-worth for status. That's something
I know I'm not alone in,
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00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:32,578
even though it is really hard to admit,
127
00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:33,578
because
128
00:07:33,539 --> 00:07:34,789
Honestly, I'm listening to myself.
129
00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:37,660
I'm like, what a douche She doesn't think
she makes mistakes.
130
00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:43,591
Like, hello. But, this dynamic actually
reminded me of a scene in Devil Wears
Prada,
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00:07:43,591 --> 00:07:47,777
the first one. I recently watched Devil
Wears Prada 2 on a flight,
132
00:07:47,777 --> 00:07:50,958
which is honestly exactly where that
movie.
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00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:53,050
Deserves to be watched. entertaining,
134
00:07:53,050 --> 00:07:59,454
but it's a plane watch, But there's that
iconic scene in the first movie where Andy
135
00:07:59,454 --> 00:08:05,148
is complaining about Miranda Priestley's
emotional abuse and toxicity.
136
00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:08,390
Nigel looks at Andy and says,
137
00:08:08,390 --> 00:08:10,851
You're not trying. You're whining.
138
00:08:10,851 --> 00:08:13,713
Millions of girls would kill for this job.
139
00:08:13,713 --> 00:08:14,713
That's it.
140
00:08:14,618 --> 00:08:18,559
The idea of feeling like one of the lucky
ones,
141
00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:23,730
like this was an opportunity that you have
to seize.
142
00:08:23,730 --> 00:08:27,901
Andy didn't stay because she was afraid of
Miranda,
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00:08:27,901 --> 00:08:31,252
but at some point she got seduced by the
prestige.
144
00:08:31,252 --> 00:08:35,123
She loved being the girl who could pull
off the impossible task and
145
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:39,554
get the Harry Potter unreleased edition
for Miranda's daughters.
146
00:08:39,554 --> 00:08:44,547
She loved working her network of hot guys
And she also loved wearing
147
00:08:44,547 --> 00:08:46,805
the designer outfits. Honestly,
148
00:08:46,805 --> 00:08:48,730
I would have folded for the outfits too,
149
00:08:48,730 --> 00:08:50,771
because she was really eating that up.
150
00:08:50,771 --> 00:08:53,492
but the point is that
151
00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:57,853
People like us who struggle to forgive
themselves the most are often
152
00:08:57,853 --> 00:09:03,004
the ones who can clearly see how they
participated in their own circumstance.
153
00:09:03,004 --> 00:09:07,195
This took me back to some of the words
that have stayed with
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00:09:07,195 --> 00:09:09,886
me after my conversation with Dion Dawson.
155
00:09:09,886 --> 00:09:14,187
We spoke with him in our episode 10 of
season two,
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00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:18,588
and he was describing his emotional state
after finding himself homeless,
157
00:09:18,588 --> 00:09:22,149
sleeping in his car, and working overnight
shifts at Amazon.
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00:09:22,149 --> 00:09:25,611
Let's hear from him again describing this
experience.
159
00:09:25,611 --> 00:09:28,252
you had alluded to the fact that when you
came out of the military,
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00:09:28,252 --> 00:09:30,453
you had done all this amazing journalism
work,
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00:09:30,453 --> 00:09:34,915
but then struggled to find your place What
were the parts of your
162
00:09:34,915 --> 00:09:38,462
identity that was tested during that
particular thing.
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00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,551
Everything. Everything. It was
164
00:09:38,462 --> 00:09:39,886
Yeah.
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00:09:40,071 --> 00:09:43,453
I'll tell you, I I came back and there
were stints where I was homeless.
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00:09:43,453 --> 00:09:46,565
I was sleeping in my car. it was one of
the hardest things because
167
00:09:46,565 --> 00:09:48,446
it wasn't like when I was homeless when I
was a kid.
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00:09:48,446 --> 00:09:53,109
You know what I mean? when you're homeless
as a kid and and you're trying
169
00:09:53,109 --> 00:09:55,480
to figure things out, you ask God,
170
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,941
Why is this happening to me? When you're
an adult,
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00:09:57,941 --> 00:10:00,833
you actually ask God, how did I do this to
myself?
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00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,214
And it was something that
173
00:10:02,214 --> 00:10:07,587
I had to wrestle with. it was extremely
painful because there was no one to blame.
174
00:10:07,587 --> 00:10:09,688
You know what I mean? There was no no
plan.
175
00:10:09,708 --> 00:10:13,751
I didn't know that that was the blank
slate at which I had to paint the canvas.
176
00:10:13,751 --> 00:10:15,932
Up until then, life was painted for me.
177
00:10:15,932 --> 00:10:19,294
I didn't have an opportunity to decide
anything.
178
00:10:19,294 --> 00:10:21,605
It was always reactive. It was always
survival.
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00:10:21,605 --> 00:10:26,588
But this this last decade out of a ~ 30
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00:10:27,268 --> 00:10:31,001
six year old guy's journey has been about
what I decided to do.
181
00:10:32,247 --> 00:10:35,249
How did I do this to myself? Damn.
182
00:10:35,249 --> 00:10:40,203
When he said that, I was shook because
it's so true.
183
00:10:40,203 --> 00:10:45,037
It made me realize that adulthood gives us
agency,
184
00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:49,351
but once we have agency, then we gain
blame too.
185
00:10:49,351 --> 00:10:53,835
We take our own agency and weaponize it
against ourselves.
186
00:10:53,976 --> 00:11:00,410
ultimately it can be a way that we feel
like we don't deserve to change.
187
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:04,963
We don't deserve to to pivot because we
made a choice.
188
00:11:04,963 --> 00:11:09,026
We decided to take the job, to sleep with
that person,
189
00:11:09,026 --> 00:11:14,029
to sign that contract, or to move to that
city sight unseen
190
00:11:14,394 --> 00:11:20,326
Then we decided that any suffering that
came after those decisions were entirely
191
00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:27,041
our fault. We turned self-blame into this
prison sentence that has no parole.
192
00:11:27,099 --> 00:11:31,100
That's exactly what ate at me for years
after ending my marriage.
193
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:35,101
Leaving my marriage didn't just mean
grieving my relationship.
194
00:11:35,101 --> 00:11:40,953
It also meant losing my identity as a wife
and frankly the status
195
00:11:40,953 --> 00:11:42,113
of that as well.
196
00:11:42,113 --> 00:11:46,896
But what really rocked me was this feeling
that my self-trust had been wounded.
197
00:11:46,896 --> 00:11:52,460
If I could be so wrong as to choose this
wrong relationship and take it
198
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:56,602
all the way to the altar, what else could
I be wrong about?
199
00:11:56,602 --> 00:12:02,326
Sometimes we're not grieving the
relationship or the job that hasn't worked
out.
200
00:12:02,326 --> 00:12:06,649
We're grieving the version of ourselves
that believed that it would.
201
00:12:06,649 --> 00:12:07,649
As
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00:12:07,169 --> 00:12:09,170
Someone who was the golden child,
203
00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:11,911
used to being praised for being an old
soul,
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00:12:11,911 --> 00:12:15,753
wise beyond my years, I started to
question everything.
205
00:12:15,753 --> 00:12:19,415
If I did this to myself, could I even
trust my judgment?
206
00:12:19,415 --> 00:12:22,727
Hey, real quick before we dive back into
this story,
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00:12:22,727 --> 00:12:24,808
if this episode is hitting a nerve,
208
00:12:24,808 --> 00:12:28,651
you're nodding along, or feel like we're
singing the story of your life with
209
00:12:28,651 --> 00:12:32,413
our words, take five seconds right now to
hit that follow
210
00:12:32,413 --> 00:12:35,054
or subscribe button wherever you're
listening.
211
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,186
When you subscribe, rate the show,
212
00:12:37,186 --> 00:12:39,117
or text this episode to a friend,
213
00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:44,060
it genuinely helps us reach more people
and inspire more brave life choices.
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00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:45,961
All right, let's get back into it.
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00:12:45,961 --> 00:12:51,985
And that question of judgment and
self-trust came up in so many
conversations from
216
00:12:51,985 --> 00:12:55,032
season two, especially our conversation
with Tracy Hall,
217
00:12:55,032 --> 00:12:57,004
who was a victim of a dating scam.
218
00:12:57,004 --> 00:13:02,468
She was a tech executive responsible for
budgets of millions of dollars at her job.
219
00:13:02,468 --> 00:13:07,762
And yet she could not have fathomed that
she would be someone who would lose over
220
00:13:07,762 --> 00:13:11,874
$300,000 to a scam in her personal life.
221
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,136
It made her question everything.
222
00:13:14,136 --> 00:13:19,980
And she said in that episode that shame
made her feel even more lonely.
223
00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:23,032
She had to work on forgiving herself and
understanding.
224
00:13:23,032 --> 00:13:26,613
How she was actually manipulated into that
situation.
225
00:13:26,694 --> 00:13:29,616
we also heard it in the story from
Alexandra.
226
00:13:29,616 --> 00:13:33,700
Even though many things were potentially
beyond her control,
227
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:37,723
even she mentioned how she wished she had
listened to the signs sooner,
228
00:13:37,723 --> 00:13:40,185
that she had started planning her exit
sooner.
229
00:13:40,185 --> 00:13:45,911
And then we have Becky. She crossed state
lines at 17 to have an abortion.
230
00:13:45,911 --> 00:13:49,234
For pregnancy she knew she didn't want and
she knew would change
231
00:13:49,234 --> 00:13:51,466
the trajectory of her life. of course,
232
00:13:51,466 --> 00:13:56,690
she was young, but she still says that she
felt responsible in some ways
233
00:13:56,690 --> 00:13:58,631
for the choice that she had made.
234
00:13:58,631 --> 00:14:02,594
But that choice shouldn't have come with a
life sentence.
235
00:14:02,594 --> 00:14:06,146
This is where Becky's own words from
season two,
236
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:09,170
episode eleven, changed my brain
chemistry.
237
00:14:09,170 --> 00:14:11,742
Abortion is one of the most politically,
238
00:14:11,742 --> 00:14:17,626
socially, and profoundly emotionally
charged decisions that a woman can make.
239
00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:22,529
Becky terminated two pregnancies and
reflected on how society treats people
240
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:26,714
who makes mistakes. She brought up an
analogy that has stayed with me ever
since.
241
00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:29,385
I felt like a failure. I felt embarrassed.
242
00:14:29,385 --> 00:14:31,936
I felt ashamed. I felt all of those
things,
243
00:14:31,936 --> 00:14:33,337
not about ending the pregnancy,
244
00:14:33,337 --> 00:14:35,228
but about getting pregnant, right?
245
00:14:35,228 --> 00:14:40,321
I was a smart girl. I had a big future and
I did something dumb,
246
00:14:40,321 --> 00:14:42,463
you know? And I did know better.
247
00:14:42,463 --> 00:14:44,434
And yet for a whole host of reasons,
248
00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:48,974
I was victim to all of the things that
patriarchy does to young women that ended
249
00:14:48,974 --> 00:14:52,114
up contributing to that situation I was
in.
250
00:14:52,114 --> 00:14:54,774
Now people can say it's because I made a
mistake and I should have
251
00:14:54,774 --> 00:14:57,074
to suffer those consequences of my
mistake.
252
00:14:57,074 --> 00:15:03,974
But I also think that is really unfair in
that if someone who is 17
253
00:15:03,974 --> 00:15:08,307
made the decision to ride a motorcycle
without a helmet and had some sort
254
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:13,249
of horrible experience where they needed
some sort of an emergency care
255
00:15:13,249 --> 00:15:16,351
to keep them from being paralyzed We don't
look at them and say,
256
00:15:16,351 --> 00:15:18,532
well, you were stupid. You knew better.
257
00:15:18,532 --> 00:15:21,824
So now you have to suffer the consequences
of these actions when there
258
00:15:21,824 --> 00:15:25,997
is a medical intervention that could help
prevent that and ruin the rest
259
00:15:25,997 --> 00:15:28,478
of your life. And I look at this very much
the same.
260
00:15:28,478 --> 00:15:29,769
Yes, I did something dumb.
261
00:15:30,453 --> 00:15:32,606
There were reasons that Let's also not
forget,
262
00:15:32,606 --> 00:15:36,017
I was 17. I didn't even have a fully
developed prefrontal cortex.
263
00:15:36,017 --> 00:15:38,787
So let's say I rode my motorcycle without
a helmet,
264
00:15:38,787 --> 00:15:41,989
And there was a devastating consequence to
that.
265
00:15:41,989 --> 00:15:46,410
There was also a medical procedure
available to save my life from going down
266
00:15:46,410 --> 00:15:48,971
a path that would have forever altered it
in a way
267
00:15:49,251 --> 00:15:51,952
that in my opinion would have been much
for the worse.
268
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:54,672
I wouldn't have been able to go to college
I would have been forever tied
269
00:15:54,672 --> 00:15:57,414
to a person with whom I had very little
relationship,
270
00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,335
had no interest in being tied to for the
rest of my life,
271
00:16:00,515 --> 00:16:04,647
I would have also then harmed my mom who
would have had to have been very involved
272
00:16:04,647 --> 00:16:06,037
financially in all other ways.
273
00:16:06,037 --> 00:16:08,438
But I never told, I couldn't tell people.
274
00:16:08,438 --> 00:16:11,539
there was just, there's so much stigma
attached to this thing that the
275
00:16:11,539 --> 00:16:14,360
kid in the helmet would not be not telling
people,
276
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,148
right? But I couldn't, and that
exacerbates everything,
277
00:16:17,148 --> 00:16:20,722
because then I was alone. when you are
made to feel shame about something,
278
00:16:20,722 --> 00:16:24,523
you don't talk about it, which only makes
the loneliness feel even worse
279
00:16:24,523 --> 00:16:28,114
and then compounds the shame. Took me a
long time to get out of that.
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That motorcycle example is truly profound.
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And I didn't need that example to already
have empathy for women
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who are making decisions about their
bodies,
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but it helped give myself permission to
think about my various decisions through
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a new light. We do not deny care to the
person who rode their motorcycle without
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a helmet.
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So why do we deny ourselves care?
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Why do we tell ourselves that because we
ignore the red flags,
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because we were impulsive, because we
spoke up,
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or because we decided to walk away from
something without a safety net,
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that all of a sudden we don't deserve a
happy ending.
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We don't deserve an exit ramp.
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I found it fascinating that car accidents
came up as metaphors in both
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of our episodes on pregnancy loss.
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Elizabeth from episode 12, part two of our
A Tale of Two Abortion series,
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noted that there was a single question her
husband asked her that finally gave
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her clarity. It was a moment where she
needed to make a decision about whether
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to terminate a pregnancy where she had one
twin that was no longer with them,
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and another twin who would have been born
with significant.
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challenges. And he asked her, What would
you want me to do if you happened
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to be in a terrible car accident and you
were on life support?
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Her answer was clear immediately.
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She would have wanted a merciful passing
and for him to pull the plug.
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We do not deny dignity and mercy to
someone who has suffered an injury,
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regardless of how it happened.
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And I think Elizabeth's story is also one
that reminds us all that even
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if you had done everything perfectly,
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sometimes there's still circumstances that
are beyond our control.
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Overall, these conversations reminded me
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Mercy isn't reserved for innocent people.
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Mercy is for people who made mistakes too.
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And you can be partially responsible
without being fully deserving
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of every consequence. I think one of the
hardest parts of changing your life
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is realizing you weren't completely
innocent.
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Shame says I did this to myself.
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Victimhood says I had no choice,
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but neither is actually healing,
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and neither is usually true.
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So if any of this is hitting for you,
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I wanted to leave us behind with something
that can help us move from self-blame
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and into self-authorship. you know,
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a framework is coming. this is what I'm
calling the culpability to grace audit.
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It's a four-step process to free yourself
from the choices that you've outgrown
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or you feel like you've participated in.
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Step one.
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Is the incentive audit. This is listing
those Freudian secondary gains.
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Write down everything your past self was
getting out of the deal.
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Status, financial security, feeling
needed,
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00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:33,412
societal approval. Healing requires that
we stop pretending that
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we were just helpless bystanders and
forgive your past self for having those
basic
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needs for approval and security.
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Step two is the helmet principle.
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This is where we decouple fault from care.
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Even if you rode the motorcycle without a
helmet and ignored the red flags
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00:19:51,739 --> 00:19:54,130
in the interview or the dating stage,
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00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:59,733
you still deserve emergency care and you
still deserve a parachute out of there.
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00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:03,614
So triage yourself. What are you suffering
from right now?
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In what ways is continuing to stay in your
situation causing harm?
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The third piece is the pride check.
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If no one knew you ever made this
decision,
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what would you do now to remedy it?
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What plan would you start to build if your
ego wasn't involved?
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00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:25,705
And another reframe that I found really
powerful is instead of thinking
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of everyone who might judge you,
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think of some of the people who might be
inspired by you.
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And the last step is the absolution pivot.
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Write your absolution statement.
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00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:40,932
And it's this exact line. This is what I
wrote to myself when I needed
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00:20:40,932 --> 00:20:47,446
to finally walk away from my marriage and
say no to staying at that job.
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I made a deal based on who I was and what
I needed then.
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00:20:51,398 --> 00:20:56,750
I am allowed to break the deal based on
who I am becoming and what I deserve now.
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00:20:56,750 --> 00:21:02,494
I'll say that again. I made a deal based
on who I was and what I needed then.
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00:21:02,494 --> 00:21:09,236
I am allowed to break that deal based on
who I am becoming and what I deserve now.
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00:21:09,236 --> 00:21:12,497
You can write all of this, steps one
through four,
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00:21:12,497 --> 00:21:14,178
in a letter to yourself.
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00:21:14,178 --> 00:21:18,069
Here's the thing: the opposite of
victimhood isn't self-blame.
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00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:22,849
It's self-compassion. And compassion isn't
something you earn by being innocent.
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00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:26,169
Maybe you stayed too long. Maybe you
married the wrong person.
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Maybe you ignored your instincts.
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Maybe your pride got the better of you.
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Mine certainly did. But here's what I hope
we all remember.
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You can take responsibility without giving
yourself a life sentence.
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Going back to Devil Wears Prada and that
famous Nigel scene.
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00:21:42,878 --> 00:21:47,400
It wasn't really about shaming Andy He was
really telling her,
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00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:51,043
you say you're trapped, but you're still
choosing it.
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00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,034
And that's the uncomfortable truth.
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Millions of girls would kill for that job.
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00:21:55,886 --> 00:21:57,727
And sometimes when we're staying,
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00:21:57,727 --> 00:22:01,210
we have to own that we're staying because
we're getting something from
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00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:06,533
it that we want. the great part is that
once you own your own agency
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00:22:06,753 --> 00:22:09,135
in staying and in your decision,
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00:22:09,135 --> 00:22:13,198
you can reclaim it. That's actually what
Nigel was offering her.
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00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:18,222
Not judgment, but agency to make a
different choice if that's really what
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00:22:18,222 --> 00:22:19,222
she wanted.
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00:22:18,893 --> 00:22:23,134
At the end of the movie, when Andy is
walking away from it all,
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00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:27,736
it's an empowering message because once
she owned her part in it,
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00:22:27,736 --> 00:22:33,457
the part of herself that was enjoying the
prestige and the outfits again,
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00:22:33,457 --> 00:22:38,738
she could make a conscious choice to do
something different She could chuck that
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00:22:38,738 --> 00:22:42,700
phone into the fountain, let go of the
secondary gains,
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00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:44,320
and come back to herself.
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00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,633
Forgiveness isn't pretending you weren't
part of the story.
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00:22:47,633 --> 00:22:52,387
It's refusing to believe that what you are
experiencing right now has
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00:22:52,387 --> 00:22:56,179
to be the ending. Admitting that a
situation no longer works,
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00:22:56,179 --> 00:22:59,663
especially one you chose proudly in the
beginning,
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00:22:59,663 --> 00:23:02,726
isn't a failure of intelligence or
judgment.
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00:23:02,726 --> 00:23:05,028
It's a profound act of bravery.
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00:23:05,028 --> 00:23:07,090
Your pride might take a scratch.
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00:23:07,090 --> 00:23:09,641
But your freedom will stay intact.
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00:23:09,641 --> 00:23:11,662
And that's what really matters.
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00:23:11,662 --> 00:23:13,923
So that's it for this episode.
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00:23:13,923 --> 00:23:18,345
And that's it for season two of Unpopular
Decisions.
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00:23:18,345 --> 00:23:22,837
We will be taking a break from our regular
full-length episodes during
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00:23:22,837 --> 00:23:27,717
the month of August. new episodes will
start up again on Tuesday,
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00:23:27,717 --> 00:23:29,797
September 1st. During the break,
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00:23:29,797 --> 00:23:33,038
we'll be bringing you replays of our
favorite episodes,
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00:23:33,038 --> 00:23:34,239
deleted scenes.
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00:23:34,239 --> 00:23:37,640
And I'll be answering behind the scenes
questions from you,
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00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:42,183
our audience. Check out the show notes for
a link to submit your questions,
398
00:23:42,183 --> 00:23:45,624
and you don't want to miss these fun
episodes during our break.
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00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:48,606
If something in this conversation
resonated with you,
400
00:23:48,606 --> 00:23:53,328
please share it with a friend who's
currently holding themselves hostage
because
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00:23:53,328 --> 00:23:58,369
of a past decision. Make sure to follow
and subscribe Unpopular Decisions wherever
402
00:23:58,369 --> 00:23:59,690
you get your podcasts.
403
00:23:59,690 --> 00:24:03,396
We are on a mission to spark one million
brave life choices.
404
00:24:03,396 --> 00:24:07,322
And forgiving yourself for the choices
that are no longer serving you
405
00:24:07,563 --> 00:24:12,000
is where it all begins. Thank you for
listening and I'm glad you're here.
