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Welcome everyone.
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Welcome back to Two Hearts One Journey.
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If you've been with us since episode, we are so glad you're on this journey with us.
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We really do appreciate every message, every comment, and every story you've shared with us.
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Thank you for inviting us into your world.
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I'm Sharon.
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And I'm Jeremy.
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We are blown away every time we look at the podcast stats.
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Two Hearts One Journey now has a footprint in 17 countries.
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And that's thanks to you sharing these episodes.
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If these conversations resonate with you, please continue sharing them.
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A heart is to see marriages strengthened, restored, and families united.
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And one of the things we love most is hearing couples tell us it doesn't feel like they're actually listening to a podcast.
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It feels like they're sitting across a table having a conversation with friends.
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And that's exactly what we hope these episodes feel like.
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Conversations.
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We've never set out to present ourselves as the couple who's figured marriage out or are marriage gurus in any way.
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That we definitely are not.
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We're simply two ordinary people who've spent 42 years learning, making mistakes, celebrating victories, surviving disappointments, and discovering that a good marriage isn't built in these big, huge moments.
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It's built in thousands of ordinary ones.
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Absolutely.
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I'm excited to get into today's episode.
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We're talking about something that sounds incredibly simple, but we honestly believe it has the power to transform a marriage.
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We've called today's episode or or today's episode actually asks the question, still curious.
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This isn't another episode about staying married.
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It's about staying interested because there is a difference, isn't there?
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Exactly, love.
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You know, you can stay in a marriage without really seeing the person you're living with.
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You can share the same house, eat at the same table, sleep in the same bed, and still slowly stop discovering each other.
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And that's what we'd love to unpack today.
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You won't believe where this conversation actually began.
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It began in one of the most unexpected places, shopping center car park.
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Can you believe that?
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That's true.
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It's only my wife who is able to link a trip to a shopping center to a marriage.
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I think you're better at telling the story, babe.
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Go for it.
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Okay.
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So a few weeks ago, we just arrived at a shopping center and pulled into a parking next to a magnificent new SUV.
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I won't say what brand it was, but listen, it wasn't just new.
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It was flawless, pristine, and you couldn't help giving it a second look.
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The paint had that deep mirror-like shine that looked as though it had been dipped into liquid glass.
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The sunlight bounced off every curve.
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The chrome sparkled, the windows were crystal clear, not a speck of dust, not a fingerprint.
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Even the tyres still had that rich satin black finish that announced, I've just left the showroom floor.
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It looked like it didn't belong in a shopping center car park.
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It still belonged on that showroom floor.
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You couldn't take your eyes off it.
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And neither could I.
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Then the owner walked over with his shopping trolley.
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We remained sitting in the car because we don't want the door of our car to perhaps knock his new car.
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So we wait.
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For him to pack his groceries into the boot, he closes the boot by the press of a button, and instead of climbing into the driver's seat, he pauses.
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He doesn't see us waiting to get out of the our vehicle, but we don't mind because by now he has piqued our interest and we're amused by what he does next.
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Isn't it amazing how with age you become more patient?
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Anyway, he slowly walks around the vehicle, not because something was wrong, quite the opposite.
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He stands back for a moment, then walks a little bit closer.
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He notices something on the door, pulls his jersey sleeve over his hand, and gently wipes away what was probably an imaginary speck of dust.
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Then he smiles, not a big smile, just the quiet smile of someone who still couldn't believe this beautiful piece of machinery belonged to him.
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Yes.
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And that's when I nudge Jeremy and I say, babe, remember when we used to do exactly that?
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Do you agree with me when you buy a new car, especially men, you notice everything, you inspect everything, you wash and polish it every weekend, you park as far away from other other vehicles as possible.
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Nobody's allowed to eat in the car, nobody's allowed to drink anything in the car.
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Every little sound has you turning the radio down because you're convinced something doesn't sound right.
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You don't simply drive it, you admire it.
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So fast forward a couple of years.
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Now they are shopping bags rolling around in the booth, a water bottle under the seat, empty chocolate wrappers in the seat pockets, especially when you have cranky.
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The dashboard desperately needs a wipe.
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You honestly can't remember when you last washed it, perhaps.
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Yet here's what's interesting: the vehicle hasn't become less valuable.
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It hasn't stopped doing exactly what it was designed to do.
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It simply became familiar.
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That is so true.
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And watching that guy with his new SUV, I couldn't help thinking.
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We all do that with things that matter to us.
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We notice them, we protect them, we admire them, and then life happens and what was once extraordinary slowly becomes ordinary.
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You know, I think that's true.
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But I also think we need to be careful here.
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Because familiarity itself isn't the villain.
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In fact, it's one of marriage's greatest gifts.
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After all, where else do you get to be completely yourself?
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No pretending, no need to impress anyone, you don't have to wear a mask, just being known.
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100%.
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I know what makes you laugh, I know what frustrates you, I know how you take your coffee, I know when you've had a tough day before you've even said a word.
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That's not a problem, that's intimacy.
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Yes, but the problem starts when we mistake familiarity for completion.
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When I quietly think, well, I know everything there is to know about Sharon.
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That's a dangerous place to find yourself in.
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Because nobody stays the same.
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We all change quietly.
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And we've chatted about this before.
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But can I ask you something?
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When you look back at the man you were 25 years ago, love, how much of him is still sitting here today?
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Hopefully only the good parts.
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But honestly, not much.
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Life has a way of changing you without asking permission.
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Some changes happen because you choose them.
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Others happen because life chooses them for you.
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That's so true.
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Nobody wakes up one morning completely different.
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It's much quieter than that.
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One experience changes you a little, a disappointment changes you a little, success teaches you something, failure teaches you something else.
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Before you know it, you're not the same person you were five years ago or even two years ago.
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What makes me wonder though, why do we sometimes expect our spouse to stay exactly the same?
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Have you noticed how people are generally fascinated by strangers and predictable with the people they love?
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We'll spend an hour talking to someone we've just met, asking about their career, their travels, their opinions and their hobbies or whatever.
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Yet we can sit opposite our husband or wife at dinner and have absolutely nothing to say.
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We assume we already know everything worth knowing.
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Complete strangers often get our curiosity, while the people closest to us get our assumptions.
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That's quite sobering if I think about it, you know, love.
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It reminds me of that couple we saw when we were on holiday and we had lunch at that quaint little restaurant recently.
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Jeremy and I find observing people fascinating.
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Yes indeed.
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There was a mature couple sitting at the table next to ours.
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We assumed they'd probably been married for many years, but what struck us wasn't anything they did, it was what they didn't do.
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The waitress brought the menus, they ordered in silence, their meal arrived, they ate in silence, the waitress chatted to them several times and they responded warmly towards her, but hardly spoke a word to each other.
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Not a smile, not a conversation, not even a simple would you pass the salt.
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Now we're not judging them by no means.
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We had no idea what their story was.
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Maybe they were perfectly content.
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Maybe one of them wasn't feeling well.
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We simply don't know.
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But as we left the restaurant in our car, we both found ourselves asking the same question.
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How do two people who have shared so much of life together slowly stop reaching for each other?
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It certainly did.
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I found myself wondering how do you get to the point where there's nothing left to say?
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Or maybe did they believe there was nothing left to discover?
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Because I think that's one of the dangers of familiarity.
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We have become so accustomed to one another that we stop being curious.
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And maybe that's what today's conversation is really about.
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Not filling every moment with conversation.
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying comfortable, confident silence.
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In fact, one of the beautiful things about a long marriage is that you can sit together in silence and still feel completely at ease.
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But comfortable silence is very different from disconnected silence.
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The one says, I don't need words to know we're together.
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The other one whispers, we've stopped reaching for each other.
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And I think that's an important distinction.
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Oh, most definitely.
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Because you know, staying curious doesn't mean talking all the time.
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It means never losing interest in the person sitting across the table from you.
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After 42 years, I still want to know what's making you laugh, what you're thinking about, what God's been showing you, what's been challenging you.
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Because if we're still growing, then there's always something new to discover.
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Surely the person you've chosen to spend your life with should remain the most interesting person in the room.
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But you know where I think the disc disconnect begins?
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Very quietly we start giving each other labels.
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Oh, Sharon doesn't enjoy things like that.
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Or Jeremy's always been the emotional one.
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He's hopeless with birthdays, she's terrible with directions.
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Sometimes those labels, although harmless, they sometimes become permanent.
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Sometimes they're even funny.
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But over time they do become permanent.
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But there's actually something quite serious underneath that when we label someone, we often stop looking for evidence that they've changed.
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Our minds become selective.
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We notice what confirms the label and miss everything that does not fit the label.
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The question is, what if staying curious isn't about finding something new?
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What if it's about seeing something familiar with fresh eyes from a different perspective?
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Yes, seeing with fresh eyes.
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I think that's the key.
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Because the person sitting across from you tonight or this afternoon or this morning isn't someone you've finished discovering.
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There's someone you're still privileged to know.
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There's a difference.
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One sounds like a completed project, while the other sounds like an unfolding story.
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And we love the unfolding story, don't we?
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And I think every healthy marriage needs that attitude.
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Not I've got you figured out, but I wonder what I haven't noticed yet.
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And sometimes it's something very, very simple.
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For example, I've noticed recently, Sharon, that you no longer order your poached eggs hard.
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You know, uh, the kind that almost give you hiccups.
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On our recent holiday, she started ordering them medium instead.
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Now that might not sound profound, but it became a conversation piece.
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I asked since when do you eat your eggs like that?
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And Sharon explained.
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She'd been reading that softer or jammy eggs are easier to digest and retain more nutrients, such as vitamin A and certain antioxidants, whereas the hard cooked eggs cause proteins to become dense, degrading the nutritional quality of the yolk.
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Well, before we knew it, we were having this really interesting conversation about healthy lifestyle choices.
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All because I noticed something small and asked the question.
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Exactly.
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It wasn't really about the eggs at all.
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It was about staying interested in each other.
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Believe it or not, our 11-year-old old grandson reminds me of that all the time.
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We have this thing we called interesting fact of the day.
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Now he's a little researcher.
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Every afternoon when I fetch him from school, he'll climb into the car, bursting to tell me something new is discovered.
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And the other day he said, Granny, you know you you call a group of bees a swan, and a group of lions you call a pride of lions, and a group of fish you call a shoal of fish.
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I said, Yes.
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Then he asked, What do you call a group of ladybugs?
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Well, I obviously had no idea.
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And with the biggest smile on his face, he said, You call it a loveliness of ladybugs.
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I had to laugh.
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Not only that I've learned something new, but I love the excitement with which he shared that bit of information.
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I love that story.
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Children are naturally curious.
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They're always learning, they're always asking questions, and most of the time the question why?
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And they can't wait to share what they've discovered with the people they love.
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I sometimes wonder if that's something we lose as adults.
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Not because we've stopped learning, but because we've stopped bringing our curiosity home.
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We tell our colleagues what we discovered, we share articles with friends, but how often do we say to our husband or our wife, guess what I learned today?
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Or listen to this, I found something really interesting.
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Maybe staying curious in marriage isn't only about asking questions.
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Maybe it's also about continuing to invite your spouse into your world, sharing what you're learning, what may what you're thinking about, what's making you think, what's making you laugh, what's inspiring you, because every time we do that, we're reminding each other that we're still growing and that we're still discovering.
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And when those conversations begin to disappear, something else quietly takes their place, and that is assumptions.
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Instead of asking, we assume.
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Instead of wondering, we conclude.
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Instead of discovering, we convince ourselves we've already got us our spouse figured out.
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And if I must be honest, we've all been guilty of assuming.
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You know, I think assumptions grow quietly in almost every marriage.
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It's not conflict, it's not resentment, it's assumptions.
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And I honestly believe assumptions have the power to steal something precious from a relationship without us even realizing it.
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So let's talk about that.
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Because I think most of us underestimate just how expensive assumptions can become.
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Have you noticed how quickly our minds fill in the blanks?
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It's almost as if we don't like unanswered questions.
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If someone is unusually quiet, we immediately start writing a story.
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Yes.
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They're upset or they're irritated.
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I've obviously done something wrong.
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And before we've said a single word, we've already reached a verdict.
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We've assumed.
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Isn't it amazing how often those stories aren't even true?
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Maybe they're just tired.
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Maybe, maybe they've had a difficult meeting during the day.
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Maybe they're carrying a burden.
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They haven't quite found the words for yet.
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Yet we've already decided what that silence means.
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I must admit, I am guilty of that.
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Babe, you will start saying something, and I assume I know what you're trying to say.
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And I complete the sentence for you.
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When you were wanting to say something completely opposite to what I've assumed.
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And here's the scary part.
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We don't respond to what actually happened.
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We respond to the story we've created in our own minds.
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You know, I sometimes wonder if if certainty is one of the quietest threats to a marriage, not confidence, certainty.
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That moment when we become absolutely convinced we know why our spouse said something or why they reacted a certain way.
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We stop being open to another explanation.
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That's a really interesting distinction, love, because certainty closes the conversation.
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Curiosity keeps it open.
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One says, I already know, and the other says, Help me to understand.
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These are two completely different attitudes.
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You know, when I think curiosity gets tested the most, it's when we become so familiar with what our spouse does that we stop wondering about what they're actually carrying.
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We know their job, we know their routine, we know what time they leave the house, but sometimes we've stopped asking, how are you really doing?
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That's when people quietly become roles instead of people.
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And I think every marriage needs to guard against that.
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We've all made assumptions and we've all become familiar.
00:18:48.640 --> 00:19:02.319
When I look back over the years, I think there were times when I saw you more through everything you were managing and everything that you were doing more than everything that you were carrying.
00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:05.440
And you weren't just raising a family.
00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:11.759
You were building a career in a fast-paced, high-pressured environment where excellence wasn't optional.
00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:15.359
Then you'd come home and somehow have to switch hats.
00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:25.519
You were still mom, still keeping a home together, still making sure birthdays weren't forgotten, school commitments were covered, and life kept moving.
00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:29.759
So looking back, I appreciated everything you did, babe.
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:36.319
But I don't know if I always appreciated the weight that you were carrying while you were doing it.
00:19:36.960 --> 00:19:41.920
And you know, if I must be honest, I probably did exactly the same to you.
00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:48.079
I became so familiar with everything you did that I stopped seeing just how much you were carrying.
00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:52.319
Yes, you were husband, you were dad, today you're grandpa.
00:19:52.799 --> 00:20:07.200
But alongside all of that, you were in a demanding job, you were making significant decisions in your career, you were leading people, mentoring others, serving in ministry, and somehow still trying to be fully present at home.
00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:18.559
I knew what you did, but how often did I did I actually stop to think about what it cost you to keep showing up in all those different spaces all the time?
00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:21.680
And I think that's true for so many couples.
00:20:21.920 --> 00:20:30.640
We become familiar with each other's responsibilities, but familiarity can make us overlook the pressure behind them.
00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:32.640
People see the position.
00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:44.720
They don't always see the decisions, the sleepless nights, the difficult conversations, the responsibility that comes with carrying other people's livelihoods, futures, andor expectations.
00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:45.680
Exactly.
00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:53.680
And the same is true whether you're a teacher, a nurse, a business owner, an artisan, a stay-at-home parent, or a CEO.
00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:58.160
Every role carries a weight that other people don't always see.
00:20:58.319 --> 00:21:03.680
And that's why it's so important that the person waiting for us at home does.
00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:07.440
Maybe that's another way curiosity shows itself.
00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:13.920
It looks beyond what our spouse does and never loses sight of who they are.
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:22.880
Because behind every title, every responsibility, every achievement is still the person we fell in love with.
00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:27.119
And that person still needs to know that they're seen.
00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:28.319
Oh, precisely.
00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:36.000
You know what I think one of the greatest compliments is it's not I love you, although those words are critical.
00:21:36.240 --> 00:21:39.440
It's hearing someone say, I've noticed.
00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:47.519
I've noticed how patient you've become, I've noticed how calmly you've handled that situation, I've noticed the effort you've been making.
00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:52.559
Those words tell someone I still see you.
00:21:53.039 --> 00:21:55.440
And isn't that what all of us want?
00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:58.880
Not applause, not recognition from the whole world.
00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:04.559
I don't want the World or strangers or another woman to be telling me how great I am?
00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:11.920
I want to hear those words from my wife, just to know that the person who knows us best still notices us.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:14.799
Let's speak about something else we chatted about.
00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:16.559
Admiration, for example.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:21.599
I think admiration quietly disappears long before love disappears.
00:22:21.839 --> 00:22:27.759
Love often remains, but admiration that can slowly fade into the background.
00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:36.720
Think about your spouse solving a problem, handling a difficult situation at work, or showing incredible patience with a family member.
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:40.960
Years ago, you would have said, I'm so proud of you.
00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:47.759
Now it barely gets a mention because you've become so used to seeing those qualities.
00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:55.680
Familiarity doesn't make them less admirable, it just makes us less likely to notice them.
00:22:55.920 --> 00:23:00.799
Not because it's gone, simply because we've stopped expressing it.
00:23:01.119 --> 00:23:02.720
And here's the irony.
00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:07.039
Most people don't fall out of love because admiration disappears.
00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:10.400
Admiration disappears because we stopped paying attention.
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:16.880
We stopped noticing the things that first made us think, wow, this is someone I really respect.
00:23:17.039 --> 00:23:19.359
And gave us that warm, fuzzy feeling.
00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:27.359
When we first get together, we notice every thoughtful gesture, every strength, every little success.
00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:32.480
And then life gets busy and those same qualities become expected.
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:35.359
Expected, that's exactly the word.
00:23:35.680 --> 00:23:42.640
The things we once celebrated become the things we simply assume will always be there.
00:23:42.960 --> 00:23:51.519
Until one day we realize we haven't actually said, I admire you for a very, very long time.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:59.599
Staying curious maybe maybe means not constantly searching for something different, simply refusing to stop looking.
00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:06.720
Because if you think about it, the person sitting across the table from you has been quietly growing all along.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:09.680
Perhaps we've just been too busy to notice.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.079
Maybe curiosity isn't about discovering a different spouse.
00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:18.880
Maybe it's about rediscovering the one you've already been given.
00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:22.079
And I think that's a beautiful thought.
00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:25.759
Rediscovering the one you already have with.
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:30.319
And you know, there's something else that's come to mind while we've been talking.
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:38.880
We've spent a lot of time speaking about seeing each other, but seeing someone and making time for them aren't always the same thing.
00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:39.920
That's true.
00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:43.920
Because sometimes the greatest threat to a marriage isn't conflict.
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:50.960
It's simply that life becomes so full that we leave very little space for the relationship itself.
00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:55.920
So let's talk about that making space to stay connected.
00:24:56.079 --> 00:24:57.680
Can I throw something out there?
00:24:57.839 --> 00:25:02.799
I don't think most marriages drift because couples stop loving each other.
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:07.039
I think they drift because life gets louder than the relationship.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:12.720
Work gets louder, children get louder, responsibilities get louder.
00:25:12.960 --> 00:25:17.359
Even good things can become distractions if we're not careful.
00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:18.960
For sure, for sure.
00:25:19.119 --> 00:25:22.559
Life doesn't usually pull us apart from each other overnight.
00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:24.559
It's much more subtle than that.
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:35.200
You keep saying, we'll spend time together next weekend, the next weekend becomes next month, and before you know it, you stop becoming intentional about nurturing your relationship.
00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:36.799
That's a good way of putting it.
00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:41.279
Running a household isn't the same as building a mare a marriage.
00:25:41.519 --> 00:25:44.079
Those are two different things.
00:25:44.319 --> 00:25:51.279
You know, if I have to choose one secret to a successful marriage, it would be protecting your friendship.
00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:59.359
Because romance has seasons, life has seasons, but friendship, friendship is what carries you through every season.
00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:02.079
Friendship is where laughter lives.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:05.200
It's where you feel safe enough to be yourself.
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:07.839
It's where you don't have to impress anyone.
00:26:08.160 --> 00:26:10.319
And here's something I've realized.
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:15.119
Friendship grows because of small moments repeated over time.
00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:22.079
I want to go back to what you said earlier about procrastinating when it comes to nurturing your marriage.
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:24.640
Let's talk about the danger of waiting.
00:26:24.799 --> 00:26:35.039
I used to think we needed to wait for the right time, the right weekend, the next holiday, when work settled down, when life becomes less busy.
00:26:35.200 --> 00:26:36.799
Do you know what I've discovered?
00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:39.279
Life never becomes less busy.
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.920
Never, it never becomes less busy.
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:47.119
There's always another commitment, another bill to pay, another family responsibility.
00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:51.440
And if we wait until life slows down, we may wait forever.
00:26:51.759 --> 00:26:52.400
Exactly.
00:26:52.640 --> 00:27:00.640
Marriage isn't strengthened in what's left over, it has to become part of the rhythm of everyday life.
00:27:00.880 --> 00:27:03.279
Oh, I like that, the rhythm of everyday life.
00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:08.079
But can we share a few things that have genuinely helped us over the years?
00:27:08.240 --> 00:27:12.880
Not because we've mastered marriage, but because they've helped us stay connected.
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:16.799
Firstly, protect ordinary moments.
00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:20.559
Not every meaningful moment has to be planned.
00:27:20.799 --> 00:27:28.240
One of the moments we often overlook is the first few minutes after you see each other at the end of the day.
00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:31.119
How you greet each other matters.
00:27:31.440 --> 00:27:34.079
Do you barely look up from your phone?
00:27:34.319 --> 00:27:43.519
Or do you stop for a moment, make eye contact, give each other a hug, and genuinely acknowledge that it is good to see you?
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:49.519
Small moments have a way of shaping the atmosphere of your home.
00:27:49.759 --> 00:27:50.480
100%.
00:27:51.039 --> 00:27:53.920
The next one is to celebrate small victories.
00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:58.880
You know, we've learned that life isn't made up of one big success after another.
00:27:59.119 --> 00:28:08.400
We always want to celebrate the big victories, but start celebrating the small ones because there are more small, ordinary victories than huge ones.
00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:24.000
Maybe your spouse has been trying to get healthier, working hard at their careers, studying after hours, being more patient with the kids, supporting aging parents, growing in their faith, or simply carrying responsibilities without complaining.
00:28:24.240 --> 00:28:26.880
Those things deserve to be acknowledged.
00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:32.960
Sometimes the most encouraging words you can say are, I've noticed how hard you've been trying.
00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:35.680
I am proud of the way you've handled yourself.
00:28:35.839 --> 00:28:37.279
Thank you for not giving up.
00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:43.119
Because all we need is someone who notices the victories that never make social media.
00:28:43.440 --> 00:28:46.720
There's a word that becomes a real buzzword lately.
00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:49.440
And it's called interruption.
00:28:49.680 --> 00:28:53.200
In business, they talk about disrupting the market.
00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:57.440
In leadership, they talk about interrupting old ways of thinking.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:04.640
In health, we've encouraged to interrupt unhealthy habits because they become lifestyles.
00:29:04.960 --> 00:29:08.000
Because nothing changes if nothing changes.
00:29:08.160 --> 00:29:10.480
And I think the same is true in marriage.
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:13.279
We've spoken a lot about routine today.
00:29:13.440 --> 00:29:15.279
And routine isn't the enemy.
00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:18.319
In fact, routines bring stability.
00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:20.960
They keep the household running.
00:29:21.200 --> 00:29:23.680
They keep us manage busy lives.
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:25.200
But here's the danger.
00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:34.559
When every day looks exactly like yesterday, we can end up living beside each other instead of truly experiencing life together.
00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:38.079
Maybe the problem isn't that we've stopped loving each other.
00:29:38.240 --> 00:29:41.680
Maybe we've simply stopped interrupting our routines.
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:45.519
Because curiosity requires interruption.
00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:47.839
Interrupt the routine, I say.
00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:49.839
Go out for breakfast.
00:29:50.079 --> 00:30:00.559
Take the scenic route home, watch a sunrise together, try a pottery class, book that bread making workshop, do something neither of you has done before.
00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:09.599
Do a dance class together, not because your marriage is in trouble, but because the strongest marriages don't simply manage life together.
00:30:09.839 --> 00:30:12.160
They keep experiencing life together.
00:30:12.480 --> 00:30:19.920
The couple who stays curious are often the couples who are willing to interrupt the ordinary every now and then.
00:30:20.160 --> 00:30:30.000
Not because something's wrong, but because they know that sometimes the best way to keep love growing is simply to experience something new together.
00:30:30.319 --> 00:30:33.119
Curiosity requires interruption.
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:37.039
This episode has really stirred up many questions.
00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:43.039
Not because we have all the answers, but because good questions have a way of helping us grow.
00:30:43.359 --> 00:30:51.039
Yes, and questions like have I become so familiar with my spouse that I've stopped noticing what's remarkable about them?
00:30:51.279 --> 00:30:54.400
Or have I allowed routine to replace friendship?
00:30:54.640 --> 00:31:00.079
Or what do I admire about my husband or my wife that I haven't actually told them?
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:11.200
And perhaps the biggest question of all Am I still intentionally investing in the marriage, or am I assuming it will simply take care of itself?
00:31:11.599 --> 00:31:14.400
All of this brings us back to today's title.
00:31:14.640 --> 00:31:15.519
Still curious?
00:31:15.839 --> 00:31:21.279
Or today's question, still curious, because curiosity isn't about becoming suspicious.
00:31:21.519 --> 00:31:23.599
It's about remaining engaged.
00:31:23.920 --> 00:31:29.680
Not simply staying married, but refusing to drift into emotional autopilot.
00:31:29.839 --> 00:31:30.880
Let's unpack that.
00:31:31.039 --> 00:31:41.279
I wonder if some people hear those words and immediately think, well, that's easy for you to say, because not every couple listening today is in a good place.
00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:42.799
And that's true.
00:31:43.039 --> 00:31:48.960
Some couples are thriving, others are just trying to get through another week, barely holding on.
00:31:49.119 --> 00:31:53.519
And there'll be some listening today who are carrying burdens nobody else knows about.
00:31:53.680 --> 00:31:57.279
So before we go any further, I think we need to pause here.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:32:03.279
We also recognize that not every couple listening is simply struggling with routine.
00:32:03.519 --> 00:32:05.920
Some are carrying much heavier burdens.
00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:12.640
Perhaps there's an addiction, or there was betrayal, manipulation, or even abuse.
00:32:13.039 --> 00:32:16.559
If that's your reality, we want you to hear this.
00:32:16.880 --> 00:32:24.799
Today's conversation about curiosity isn't suggesting that you ignore destructive behavior.
00:32:25.039 --> 00:32:31.519
Healthy marriages are built on love, trust, respect, and safety.
00:32:31.839 --> 00:32:37.680
When those things are consistently absent, something deeper needs attention.
00:32:37.920 --> 00:32:48.480
You know, we've spent many years walking alongside couples, and one thing we've learned is this there's a difference between a difficult season and a destructive pattern.
00:32:48.720 --> 00:32:53.839
Every marriage experiences conflict, every marriage experiences disappointment.
00:32:54.079 --> 00:32:59.279
But fear, control, intimidation, or ongoing abuse should never become the norm.
00:32:59.440 --> 00:33:03.440
If that's where you find yourself, please don't struggle in silence.
00:33:03.599 --> 00:33:08.319
Reach out, talk to someone you trust, seek wise support.
00:33:08.559 --> 00:33:13.039
Sometimes the strongest thing you can do for your marriage is ask for help.
00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:20.400
Love never asks someone to surrender their dignity, nor does commitment require someone to live without hope.
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:27.359
If you're living in an environment where there's ongoing abuse, please don't confuse endurance with faithfulness.
00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:29.359
They're not the same thing.
00:33:29.680 --> 00:33:33.680
Sometimes people think asking for help is admitting failure.
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:36.079
We found exactly the opposite.
00:33:36.319 --> 00:33:44.319
Some of the strongest couples we've ever met were the ones humble enough to say we can't do this alone.
00:33:44.559 --> 00:33:45.279
That's true.
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:50.480
And sometimes healing begins when one courageous conversation takes place.
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:57.279
Sometimes it begins with counseling, sometimes with trusted friends, sometimes with wise spiritual leaders.
00:33:57.440 --> 00:34:01.440
The important thing is this: don't struggle in silence.
00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:04.160
Silence rarely heals anything.
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:16.239
For most people listening today, the greatest threat to your marriage may not be abuse, but it could be drift, not dramatic, not obvious, just gradual drift.
00:34:16.480 --> 00:34:31.920
Life becomes busy, routine takes over, conversations become shorter, assumptions become longer, and before you realize it, you're living beside each other instead of truly sharing life together.
00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:39.360
And that's why we felt this conversation was worth having because healthy marriages don't drift by accident.
00:34:39.519 --> 00:34:41.760
They drift when they're left unattended.
00:34:41.920 --> 00:34:46.480
Just like a garden, leave it long enough, and weeds don't ask permission.
00:34:46.559 --> 00:34:47.679
They simply grow.
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:52.960
You know, I keep thinking back to the SUV guy in the shopping center car park.
00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:54.880
He reminded me of something.
00:34:55.199 --> 00:34:58.639
He wasn't admiring that vehicle because it was perfect.
00:34:58.960 --> 00:35:02.960
He was admiring it because he appreciated it, because it was new.
00:35:03.039 --> 00:35:04.000
And there's a difference.
00:35:04.239 --> 00:35:04.960
Oh, for sure.
00:35:05.199 --> 00:35:12.239
And maybe appreciation is one of the purest expressions of curiosity because appreciation pays attention.
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:12.480
Yes.
00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:19.119
Appreciation notices, it values, it refuses to take something precious for granted.
00:35:19.280 --> 00:35:23.280
And perhaps that's one of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse.
00:35:23.679 --> 00:35:26.159
Not perfection, just assurance.
00:35:26.400 --> 00:35:27.599
I still notice you.
00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:32.719
We've covered a lot today.
00:35:32.880 --> 00:35:34.880
But back to the shopping center car parking.
00:35:35.039 --> 00:35:36.079
I'll be back there.
00:35:36.320 --> 00:35:39.840
I still picture that gentleman standing beside his SUV.
00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:41.679
He wasn't in a hurry.
00:35:41.920 --> 00:35:43.679
He wasn't checking for damage.
00:35:43.920 --> 00:35:46.079
He wasn't trying to impress anyone.
00:35:46.320 --> 00:35:54.000
He simply stopped, looked, and appreciated something that had become part of his everyday life.
00:35:54.320 --> 00:35:58.320
Wow, that SUV guy surely made an impression on you.
00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:02.239
And maybe and maybe that's why that moment stayed with me as well.
00:36:02.480 --> 00:36:04.159
It wasn't really about the car.
00:36:04.320 --> 00:36:05.679
It was about attention.
00:36:05.840 --> 00:36:09.280
Because whatever we value, we naturally pay attention to.
00:36:09.440 --> 00:36:13.440
And whatever we stop paying attention to can quietly become ordinary.
00:36:13.599 --> 00:36:17.760
Not because it's lost its value, as you said, but because we've stopped seeing it.
00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:21.519
I think that's one of the biggest lessons marriage has taught us.
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:27.440
Love isn't only something we feel and or you feel, it's something you notice.
00:36:27.679 --> 00:36:30.719
Can I ask our listeners to imagine something?
00:36:30.880 --> 00:36:37.119
What if this week you look at your spouse the way the SUV guy looked at his new car?
00:36:37.280 --> 00:36:41.760
Not comparing them to a car, please, please, before anybody writes to us.
00:36:42.559 --> 00:36:48.639
But with the same sense of appreciation, the same sense of I'm grateful you are part of my life.
00:36:48.880 --> 00:36:52.639
I wonder how many little things we'll suddenly begin to notice again.
00:36:52.960 --> 00:36:56.400
I honestly think we'd notice more than we expect.
00:36:57.039 --> 00:37:00.239
Because people don't suddenly become extraordinary.
00:37:00.480 --> 00:37:04.159
Most of the time, they've been extraordinary all along.
00:37:04.320 --> 00:37:06.639
We've just become too busy to notice.
00:37:06.960 --> 00:37:16.000
Busy looking at our schedules, busy looking at our responsibilities, busy looking at our phones, everything except the person sitting right in front of us.
00:37:16.239 --> 00:37:21.920
And sometimes all it takes is slowing down long enough to really see them again.
00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:22.960
Exactly.
00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:30.480
So rather than giving everyone a long list of homework, can we leave our listeners with one simple challenge this week?
00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:31.920
Interrupt something.
00:37:32.159 --> 00:37:33.199
Interrupt the routine.
00:37:34.079 --> 00:37:43.679
Interrupt the assumptions, interrupt the distractions, create one unexpected moment together, then ask one question you've never asked before.
00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:46.800
You might be surprised by what you discover.
00:37:47.199 --> 00:37:50.880
And when you discover that that's something, don't keep it to yourself.
00:37:51.039 --> 00:37:51.679
Say it.
00:37:51.920 --> 00:37:56.719
We so often think appreciation, but we never actually speak it.
00:37:56.960 --> 00:37:59.119
Tell your spouse what you've noticed.
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:02.480
It doesn't have to be poetic, it doesn't have to be profound.
00:38:02.719 --> 00:38:04.559
Just be authentic.
00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:09.360
Maybe it's I've watched you with the kids today and it reminds me how patient you are.
00:38:09.599 --> 00:38:12.239
Or thank you for caring so much without complaining.
00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:17.199
Or simply, I don't think I've told you this for a while, but I really appreciate you.
00:38:17.440 --> 00:38:21.840
When last did you pause, look at your spouse and say, I love you.
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:27.280
Those few words have a remarkable way of breathing life back into ordinary days.
00:38:27.519 --> 00:38:32.079
I love that because appreciation isn't complicated but intentional.
00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:32.559
Yes.
00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:35.840
And maybe that's really what we've been talking about today.
00:38:36.079 --> 00:38:46.320
Not becoming marriage experts, not having all the answers, but simply refusing to stop discovering the person we've chosen to spend our lives with.
00:38:46.559 --> 00:38:51.039
I think it's time we wrap up this conversation because it's been longer than the norm.
00:38:51.119 --> 00:38:53.920
But I think it's been a critical conversation, not so.
00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:58.320
So as we close today, we'd like to speak a blessing over your marriage.
00:38:58.559 --> 00:39:01.519
May you never stop being curious about one another.
00:39:01.760 --> 00:39:08.880
May you keep asking questions, sharing dreams, and making room for the person your spouse is still becoming.
00:39:09.199 --> 00:39:15.920
May familiarity never rob you of wonder, and may routine never silence meaningful conversation.
00:39:16.159 --> 00:39:29.280
May you continue to notice the little things, the quiet acts of kindness, the everyday sacrifices, the strengths that often go unseen, and the reasons you choose each other in the first place.
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:39.199
May admiration be spoken often, appreciation expressed freely, and encouragement become the language of your home.
00:39:39.440 --> 00:39:45.360
May you always choose to see the best in one another, even in life's ordinary moments.
00:39:45.599 --> 00:39:56.239
And may you have the courage to keep growing, the humility to keep learning, and the wisdom to believe that every season of marriage holds something new to discover.
00:39:56.480 --> 00:40:04.000
May laughter come easily, forgiveness come quickly, and friendship remain the strongest foundation beneath your love.
00:40:04.239 --> 00:40:09.119
And when life gets busy, may you resist the temptation to assume.
00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:16.159
Instead, may you choose to ask, choose to listen, and choose to notice.
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:21.760
Because the strongest marriages aren't built by people who know everything about each other.
00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:25.679
They're built by people who never stop discovering each other.
00:40:26.000 --> 00:40:33.360
From our hearts to yours, may your marriage continue to grow into something even richer than the day it began.
00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:38.239
Stay curious, keep choosing each other, and keep journeying together.
00:40:38.480 --> 00:40:42.559
And we never take for granted that you choose to invite us into your day.
00:40:42.719 --> 00:40:54.159
So if today's conversation has encouraged you, please do us a favor and share it with another couple because sometimes one conversation is all it takes to see something differently.
00:40:54.400 --> 00:40:56.000
And we'd love to hear from you.
00:40:56.159 --> 00:41:01.599
You can email us on info at twoheartsonejourney.co.z.
00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:07.360
And remember, love isn't only something you feel, it's something you notice.
00:41:07.519 --> 00:41:14.800
We'll be back next week with another honest conversation about marriage, the joys, the challenges, and everything in between.
00:41:15.119 --> 00:41:21.840
Until then, keep choosing one another, keep laughing together, and above all, stay curious.
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:23.519
God bless I'm Jeremy.
00:41:23.920 --> 00:41:27.599
And I'm Sharon, and thank you for joining us on Two Hearts One Journey.
00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:29.360
Take care and God bless.
00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:01.760
Welcome everyone.
00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:04.160
Welcome back to Two Hearts One Journey.
00:00:04.240 --> 00:00:09.039
If you've been with us since episode, we are so glad you're on this journey with us.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:14.880
We really do appreciate every message, every comment, and every story you've shared with us.
00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:17.359
Thank you for inviting us into your world.
00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:18.160
I'm Sharon.
00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:19.519
And I'm Jeremy.
00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:23.120
We are blown away every time we look at the podcast stats.
00:00:23.359 --> 00:00:28.000
Two Hearts One Journey now has a footprint in 17 countries.
00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:31.600
And that's thanks to you sharing these episodes.
00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:36.479
If these conversations resonate with you, please continue sharing them.
00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:41.920
A heart is to see marriages strengthened, restored, and families united.
00:00:42.159 --> 00:00:48.960
And one of the things we love most is hearing couples tell us it doesn't feel like they're actually listening to a podcast.
00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:53.439
It feels like they're sitting across a table having a conversation with friends.
00:00:53.600 --> 00:00:57.280
And that's exactly what we hope these episodes feel like.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:00:58.399
Conversations.
00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:06.719
We've never set out to present ourselves as the couple who's figured marriage out or are marriage gurus in any way.
00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:08.799
That we definitely are not.
00:01:09.120 --> 00:01:24.719
We're simply two ordinary people who've spent 42 years learning, making mistakes, celebrating victories, surviving disappointments, and discovering that a good marriage isn't built in these big, huge moments.
00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:27.840
It's built in thousands of ordinary ones.
00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:29.200
Absolutely.
00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:32.159
I'm excited to get into today's episode.
00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:40.400
We're talking about something that sounds incredibly simple, but we honestly believe it has the power to transform a marriage.
00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:47.680
We've called today's episode or or today's episode actually asks the question, still curious.
00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:50.879
This isn't another episode about staying married.
00:01:50.959 --> 00:01:55.120
It's about staying interested because there is a difference, isn't there?
00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:56.480
Exactly, love.
00:01:56.799 --> 00:02:02.159
You know, you can stay in a marriage without really seeing the person you're living with.
00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:10.159
You can share the same house, eat at the same table, sleep in the same bed, and still slowly stop discovering each other.
00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:13.199
And that's what we'd love to unpack today.
00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:18.000
You won't believe where this conversation actually began.
00:02:18.240 --> 00:02:23.840
It began in one of the most unexpected places, shopping center car park.
00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:24.960
Can you believe that?
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:26.240
That's true.
00:02:26.479 --> 00:02:31.280
It's only my wife who is able to link a trip to a shopping center to a marriage.
00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:33.919
I think you're better at telling the story, babe.
00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:34.639
Go for it.
00:02:34.800 --> 00:02:35.120
Okay.
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:44.879
So a few weeks ago, we just arrived at a shopping center and pulled into a parking next to a magnificent new SUV.
00:02:44.960 --> 00:02:49.759
I won't say what brand it was, but listen, it wasn't just new.
00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:55.039
It was flawless, pristine, and you couldn't help giving it a second look.
00:02:55.280 --> 00:03:01.680
The paint had that deep mirror-like shine that looked as though it had been dipped into liquid glass.
00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:04.800
The sunlight bounced off every curve.
00:03:05.039 --> 00:03:11.840
The chrome sparkled, the windows were crystal clear, not a speck of dust, not a fingerprint.
00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:18.800
Even the tyres still had that rich satin black finish that announced, I've just left the showroom floor.
00:03:18.960 --> 00:03:23.039
It looked like it didn't belong in a shopping center car park.
00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:26.000
It still belonged on that showroom floor.
00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:28.800
You couldn't take your eyes off it.
00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:30.240
And neither could I.
00:03:30.639 --> 00:03:33.599
Then the owner walked over with his shopping trolley.
00:03:33.759 --> 00:03:40.319
We remained sitting in the car because we don't want the door of our car to perhaps knock his new car.
00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:41.039
So we wait.
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:50.319
For him to pack his groceries into the boot, he closes the boot by the press of a button, and instead of climbing into the driver's seat, he pauses.
00:03:50.639 --> 00:04:01.680
He doesn't see us waiting to get out of the our vehicle, but we don't mind because by now he has piqued our interest and we're amused by what he does next.
00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:04.960
Isn't it amazing how with age you become more patient?
00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:11.680
Anyway, he slowly walks around the vehicle, not because something was wrong, quite the opposite.
00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:15.759
He stands back for a moment, then walks a little bit closer.
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:26.079
He notices something on the door, pulls his jersey sleeve over his hand, and gently wipes away what was probably an imaginary speck of dust.
00:04:26.399 --> 00:04:37.279
Then he smiles, not a big smile, just the quiet smile of someone who still couldn't believe this beautiful piece of machinery belonged to him.
00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:37.920
Yes.
00:04:38.160 --> 00:04:44.240
And that's when I nudge Jeremy and I say, babe, remember when we used to do exactly that?
00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:59.680
Do you agree with me when you buy a new car, especially men, you notice everything, you inspect everything, you wash and polish it every weekend, you park as far away from other other vehicles as possible.
00:04:59.920 --> 00:05:04.240
Nobody's allowed to eat in the car, nobody's allowed to drink anything in the car.
00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:11.199
Every little sound has you turning the radio down because you're convinced something doesn't sound right.
00:05:11.360 --> 00:05:14.399
You don't simply drive it, you admire it.
00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:16.959
So fast forward a couple of years.
00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:26.720
Now they are shopping bags rolling around in the booth, a water bottle under the seat, empty chocolate wrappers in the seat pockets, especially when you have cranky.
00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:29.680
The dashboard desperately needs a wipe.
00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:33.600
You honestly can't remember when you last washed it, perhaps.
00:05:33.839 --> 00:05:38.000
Yet here's what's interesting: the vehicle hasn't become less valuable.
00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:42.319
It hasn't stopped doing exactly what it was designed to do.
00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:44.959
It simply became familiar.
00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:46.959
That is so true.
00:05:47.279 --> 00:05:51.839
And watching that guy with his new SUV, I couldn't help thinking.
00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:54.800
We all do that with things that matter to us.
00:05:54.959 --> 00:06:05.519
We notice them, we protect them, we admire them, and then life happens and what was once extraordinary slowly becomes ordinary.
00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:07.439
You know, I think that's true.
00:06:07.680 --> 00:06:10.000
But I also think we need to be careful here.
00:06:10.240 --> 00:06:13.519
Because familiarity itself isn't the villain.
00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:16.879
In fact, it's one of marriage's greatest gifts.
00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:20.879
After all, where else do you get to be completely yourself?
00:06:21.199 --> 00:06:28.000
No pretending, no need to impress anyone, you don't have to wear a mask, just being known.
00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:29.040
100%.
00:06:29.680 --> 00:06:38.879
I know what makes you laugh, I know what frustrates you, I know how you take your coffee, I know when you've had a tough day before you've even said a word.
00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:41.680
That's not a problem, that's intimacy.
00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:48.720
Yes, but the problem starts when we mistake familiarity for completion.
00:06:49.120 --> 00:06:54.000
When I quietly think, well, I know everything there is to know about Sharon.
00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:57.040
That's a dangerous place to find yourself in.
00:06:57.279 --> 00:06:59.439
Because nobody stays the same.
00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:01.920
We all change quietly.
00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:04.160
And we've chatted about this before.
00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:06.000
But can I ask you something?
00:07:06.240 --> 00:07:12.800
When you look back at the man you were 25 years ago, love, how much of him is still sitting here today?
00:07:13.600 --> 00:07:15.839
Hopefully only the good parts.
00:07:16.160 --> 00:07:18.240
But honestly, not much.
00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:23.199
Life has a way of changing you without asking permission.
00:07:23.600 --> 00:07:26.720
Some changes happen because you choose them.
00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:30.399
Others happen because life chooses them for you.
00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:31.439
That's so true.
00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:34.319
Nobody wakes up one morning completely different.
00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:36.240
It's much quieter than that.
00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:45.120
One experience changes you a little, a disappointment changes you a little, success teaches you something, failure teaches you something else.
00:07:45.360 --> 00:07:50.959
Before you know it, you're not the same person you were five years ago or even two years ago.
00:07:51.199 --> 00:07:58.800
What makes me wonder though, why do we sometimes expect our spouse to stay exactly the same?
00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:06.240
Have you noticed how people are generally fascinated by strangers and predictable with the people they love?
00:08:06.480 --> 00:08:15.279
We'll spend an hour talking to someone we've just met, asking about their career, their travels, their opinions and their hobbies or whatever.
00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:22.000
Yet we can sit opposite our husband or wife at dinner and have absolutely nothing to say.
00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:25.360
We assume we already know everything worth knowing.
00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:32.159
Complete strangers often get our curiosity, while the people closest to us get our assumptions.
00:08:32.320 --> 00:08:35.120
That's quite sobering if I think about it, you know, love.
00:08:35.279 --> 00:08:41.440
It reminds me of that couple we saw when we were on holiday and we had lunch at that quaint little restaurant recently.
00:08:41.679 --> 00:08:44.799
Jeremy and I find observing people fascinating.
00:08:45.120 --> 00:08:46.000
Yes indeed.
00:08:46.559 --> 00:08:50.320
There was a mature couple sitting at the table next to ours.
00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:58.879
We assumed they'd probably been married for many years, but what struck us wasn't anything they did, it was what they didn't do.
00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:12.720
The waitress brought the menus, they ordered in silence, their meal arrived, they ate in silence, the waitress chatted to them several times and they responded warmly towards her, but hardly spoke a word to each other.
00:09:12.960 --> 00:09:18.080
Not a smile, not a conversation, not even a simple would you pass the salt.
00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:20.639
Now we're not judging them by no means.
00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:22.799
We had no idea what their story was.
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:25.360
Maybe they were perfectly content.
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:27.519
Maybe one of them wasn't feeling well.
00:09:27.759 --> 00:09:29.279
We simply don't know.
00:09:29.679 --> 00:09:36.559
But as we left the restaurant in our car, we both found ourselves asking the same question.
00:09:36.879 --> 00:09:44.480
How do two people who have shared so much of life together slowly stop reaching for each other?
00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:46.159
It certainly did.
00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:51.759
I found myself wondering how do you get to the point where there's nothing left to say?
00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:55.679
Or maybe did they believe there was nothing left to discover?
00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:59.440
Because I think that's one of the dangers of familiarity.
00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:04.000
We have become so accustomed to one another that we stop being curious.
00:10:04.320 --> 00:10:07.679
And maybe that's what today's conversation is really about.
00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:11.360
Not filling every moment with conversation.
00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:17.200
There's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying comfortable, confident silence.
00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:26.639
In fact, one of the beautiful things about a long marriage is that you can sit together in silence and still feel completely at ease.
00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:32.639
But comfortable silence is very different from disconnected silence.
00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:37.440
The one says, I don't need words to know we're together.
00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:42.320
The other one whispers, we've stopped reaching for each other.
00:10:42.559 --> 00:10:44.960
And I think that's an important distinction.
00:10:45.440 --> 00:10:46.480
Oh, most definitely.
00:10:46.639 --> 00:10:50.159
Because you know, staying curious doesn't mean talking all the time.
00:10:50.320 --> 00:10:55.679
It means never losing interest in the person sitting across the table from you.
00:10:55.919 --> 00:11:05.519
After 42 years, I still want to know what's making you laugh, what you're thinking about, what God's been showing you, what's been challenging you.
00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:10.399
Because if we're still growing, then there's always something new to discover.
00:11:10.639 --> 00:11:18.000
Surely the person you've chosen to spend your life with should remain the most interesting person in the room.
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:21.039
But you know where I think the disc disconnect begins?
00:11:21.279 --> 00:11:24.240
Very quietly we start giving each other labels.
00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:27.039
Oh, Sharon doesn't enjoy things like that.
00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:29.840
Or Jeremy's always been the emotional one.
00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:33.200
He's hopeless with birthdays, she's terrible with directions.
00:11:33.360 --> 00:11:38.799
Sometimes those labels, although harmless, they sometimes become permanent.
00:11:38.960 --> 00:11:40.240
Sometimes they're even funny.
00:11:40.399 --> 00:11:43.279
But over time they do become permanent.
00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:52.879
But there's actually something quite serious underneath that when we label someone, we often stop looking for evidence that they've changed.
00:11:53.039 --> 00:11:55.200
Our minds become selective.
00:11:55.519 --> 00:12:02.000
We notice what confirms the label and miss everything that does not fit the label.
00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:08.000
The question is, what if staying curious isn't about finding something new?
00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:14.879
What if it's about seeing something familiar with fresh eyes from a different perspective?
00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:17.519
Yes, seeing with fresh eyes.
00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:18.799
I think that's the key.
00:12:19.039 --> 00:12:25.919
Because the person sitting across from you tonight or this afternoon or this morning isn't someone you've finished discovering.
00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:29.440
There's someone you're still privileged to know.
00:12:29.679 --> 00:12:30.559
There's a difference.
00:12:30.720 --> 00:12:35.840
One sounds like a completed project, while the other sounds like an unfolding story.
00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:38.720
And we love the unfolding story, don't we?
00:12:38.960 --> 00:12:42.159
And I think every healthy marriage needs that attitude.
00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:47.600
Not I've got you figured out, but I wonder what I haven't noticed yet.
00:12:47.759 --> 00:12:50.480
And sometimes it's something very, very simple.
00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:57.759
For example, I've noticed recently, Sharon, that you no longer order your poached eggs hard.
00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:01.440
You know, uh, the kind that almost give you hiccups.
00:13:03.039 --> 00:13:07.279
On our recent holiday, she started ordering them medium instead.
00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:12.000
Now that might not sound profound, but it became a conversation piece.
00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:14.720
I asked since when do you eat your eggs like that?
00:13:14.799 --> 00:13:16.399
And Sharon explained.
00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:33.919
She'd been reading that softer or jammy eggs are easier to digest and retain more nutrients, such as vitamin A and certain antioxidants, whereas the hard cooked eggs cause proteins to become dense, degrading the nutritional quality of the yolk.
00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:41.039
Well, before we knew it, we were having this really interesting conversation about healthy lifestyle choices.
00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:45.039
All because I noticed something small and asked the question.
00:13:45.360 --> 00:13:46.159
Exactly.
00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:48.960
It wasn't really about the eggs at all.
00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:51.919
It was about staying interested in each other.
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:57.440
Believe it or not, our 11-year-old old grandson reminds me of that all the time.
00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:01.360
We have this thing we called interesting fact of the day.
00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:03.519
Now he's a little researcher.
00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:10.559
Every afternoon when I fetch him from school, he'll climb into the car, bursting to tell me something new is discovered.
00:14:10.720 --> 00:14:21.679
And the other day he said, Granny, you know you you call a group of bees a swan, and a group of lions you call a pride of lions, and a group of fish you call a shoal of fish.
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:22.799
I said, Yes.
00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:26.159
Then he asked, What do you call a group of ladybugs?
00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:28.480
Well, I obviously had no idea.
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:34.480
And with the biggest smile on his face, he said, You call it a loveliness of ladybugs.
00:14:34.639 --> 00:14:35.600
I had to laugh.
00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:42.320
Not only that I've learned something new, but I love the excitement with which he shared that bit of information.
00:14:42.639 --> 00:14:43.840
I love that story.
00:14:44.080 --> 00:14:46.240
Children are naturally curious.
00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:52.639
They're always learning, they're always asking questions, and most of the time the question why?
00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:57.519
And they can't wait to share what they've discovered with the people they love.
00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:01.440
I sometimes wonder if that's something we lose as adults.
00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:07.360
Not because we've stopped learning, but because we've stopped bringing our curiosity home.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:17.360
We tell our colleagues what we discovered, we share articles with friends, but how often do we say to our husband or our wife, guess what I learned today?
00:15:17.519 --> 00:15:20.879
Or listen to this, I found something really interesting.
00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:25.519
Maybe staying curious in marriage isn't only about asking questions.
00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:45.519
Maybe it's also about continuing to invite your spouse into your world, sharing what you're learning, what may what you're thinking about, what's making you think, what's making you laugh, what's inspiring you, because every time we do that, we're reminding each other that we're still growing and that we're still discovering.
00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:53.440
And when those conversations begin to disappear, something else quietly takes their place, and that is assumptions.
00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:56.399
Instead of asking, we assume.
00:15:56.799 --> 00:15:59.600
Instead of wondering, we conclude.
00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:05.759
Instead of discovering, we convince ourselves we've already got us our spouse figured out.
00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:10.320
And if I must be honest, we've all been guilty of assuming.
00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:14.559
You know, I think assumptions grow quietly in almost every marriage.
00:16:14.720 --> 00:16:18.720
It's not conflict, it's not resentment, it's assumptions.
00:16:18.879 --> 00:16:26.559
And I honestly believe assumptions have the power to steal something precious from a relationship without us even realizing it.
00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:28.240
So let's talk about that.
00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:33.759
Because I think most of us underestimate just how expensive assumptions can become.
00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:37.360
Have you noticed how quickly our minds fill in the blanks?
00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:41.120
It's almost as if we don't like unanswered questions.
00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:46.240
If someone is unusually quiet, we immediately start writing a story.
00:16:46.480 --> 00:16:46.720
Yes.
00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:49.200
They're upset or they're irritated.
00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:51.519
I've obviously done something wrong.
00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:57.039
And before we've said a single word, we've already reached a verdict.
00:16:57.200 --> 00:16:58.080
We've assumed.
00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:02.000
Isn't it amazing how often those stories aren't even true?
00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:03.600
Maybe they're just tired.
00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:07.039
Maybe, maybe they've had a difficult meeting during the day.
00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:08.640
Maybe they're carrying a burden.
00:17:08.799 --> 00:17:11.279
They haven't quite found the words for yet.
00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:14.480
Yet we've already decided what that silence means.
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:17.359
I must admit, I am guilty of that.
00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:21.519
Babe, you will start saying something, and I assume I know what you're trying to say.
00:17:21.599 --> 00:17:23.039
And I complete the sentence for you.
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:27.359
When you were wanting to say something completely opposite to what I've assumed.
00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:29.279
And here's the scary part.
00:17:29.680 --> 00:17:32.640
We don't respond to what actually happened.
00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:36.880
We respond to the story we've created in our own minds.
00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:44.400
You know, I sometimes wonder if if certainty is one of the quietest threats to a marriage, not confidence, certainty.
00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:53.200
That moment when we become absolutely convinced we know why our spouse said something or why they reacted a certain way.
00:17:53.359 --> 00:17:56.079
We stop being open to another explanation.
00:17:56.640 --> 00:18:02.720
That's a really interesting distinction, love, because certainty closes the conversation.
00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:05.440
Curiosity keeps it open.
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:10.880
One says, I already know, and the other says, Help me to understand.
00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:13.599
These are two completely different attitudes.
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:25.680
You know, when I think curiosity gets tested the most, it's when we become so familiar with what our spouse does that we stop wondering about what they're actually carrying.
00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:35.359
We know their job, we know their routine, we know what time they leave the house, but sometimes we've stopped asking, how are you really doing?
00:18:35.599 --> 00:18:40.480
That's when people quietly become roles instead of people.
00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:44.480
And I think every marriage needs to guard against that.
00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:48.400
We've all made assumptions and we've all become familiar.
00:18:48.640 --> 00:19:02.319
When I look back over the years, I think there were times when I saw you more through everything you were managing and everything that you were doing more than everything that you were carrying.
00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:05.440
And you weren't just raising a family.
00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:11.759
You were building a career in a fast-paced, high-pressured environment where excellence wasn't optional.
00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:15.359
Then you'd come home and somehow have to switch hats.
00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:25.519
You were still mom, still keeping a home together, still making sure birthdays weren't forgotten, school commitments were covered, and life kept moving.
00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:29.759
So looking back, I appreciated everything you did, babe.
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:36.319
But I don't know if I always appreciated the weight that you were carrying while you were doing it.
00:19:36.960 --> 00:19:41.920
And you know, if I must be honest, I probably did exactly the same to you.
00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:48.079
I became so familiar with everything you did that I stopped seeing just how much you were carrying.
00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:52.319
Yes, you were husband, you were dad, today you're grandpa.
00:19:52.799 --> 00:20:07.200
But alongside all of that, you were in a demanding job, you were making significant decisions in your career, you were leading people, mentoring others, serving in ministry, and somehow still trying to be fully present at home.
00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:18.559
I knew what you did, but how often did I did I actually stop to think about what it cost you to keep showing up in all those different spaces all the time?
00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:21.680
And I think that's true for so many couples.
00:20:21.920 --> 00:20:30.640
We become familiar with each other's responsibilities, but familiarity can make us overlook the pressure behind them.
00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:32.640
People see the position.
00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:44.720
They don't always see the decisions, the sleepless nights, the difficult conversations, the responsibility that comes with carrying other people's livelihoods, futures, andor expectations.
00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:45.680
Exactly.
00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:53.680
And the same is true whether you're a teacher, a nurse, a business owner, an artisan, a stay-at-home parent, or a CEO.
00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:58.160
Every role carries a weight that other people don't always see.
00:20:58.319 --> 00:21:03.680
And that's why it's so important that the person waiting for us at home does.
00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:07.440
Maybe that's another way curiosity shows itself.
00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:13.920
It looks beyond what our spouse does and never loses sight of who they are.
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:22.880
Because behind every title, every responsibility, every achievement is still the person we fell in love with.
00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:27.119
And that person still needs to know that they're seen.
00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:28.319
Oh, precisely.
00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:36.000
You know what I think one of the greatest compliments is it's not I love you, although those words are critical.
00:21:36.240 --> 00:21:39.440
It's hearing someone say, I've noticed.
00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:47.519
I've noticed how patient you've become, I've noticed how calmly you've handled that situation, I've noticed the effort you've been making.
00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:52.559
Those words tell someone I still see you.
00:21:53.039 --> 00:21:55.440
And isn't that what all of us want?
00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:58.880
Not applause, not recognition from the whole world.
00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:04.559
I don't want the World or strangers or another woman to be telling me how great I am?
00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:11.920
I want to hear those words from my wife, just to know that the person who knows us best still notices us.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:14.799
Let's speak about something else we chatted about.
00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:16.559
Admiration, for example.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:21.599
I think admiration quietly disappears long before love disappears.
00:22:21.839 --> 00:22:27.759
Love often remains, but admiration that can slowly fade into the background.
00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:36.720
Think about your spouse solving a problem, handling a difficult situation at work, or showing incredible patience with a family member.
00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:40.960
Years ago, you would have said, I'm so proud of you.
00:22:41.119 --> 00:22:47.759
Now it barely gets a mention because you've become so used to seeing those qualities.
00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:55.680
Familiarity doesn't make them less admirable, it just makes us less likely to notice them.
00:22:55.920 --> 00:23:00.799
Not because it's gone, simply because we've stopped expressing it.
00:23:01.119 --> 00:23:02.720
And here's the irony.
00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:07.039
Most people don't fall out of love because admiration disappears.
00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:10.400
Admiration disappears because we stopped paying attention.
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:16.880
We stopped noticing the things that first made us think, wow, this is someone I really respect.
00:23:17.039 --> 00:23:19.359
And gave us that warm, fuzzy feeling.
00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:27.359
When we first get together, we notice every thoughtful gesture, every strength, every little success.
00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:32.480
And then life gets busy and those same qualities become expected.
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:35.359
Expected, that's exactly the word.
00:23:35.680 --> 00:23:42.640
The things we once celebrated become the things we simply assume will always be there.
00:23:42.960 --> 00:23:51.519
Until one day we realize we haven't actually said, I admire you for a very, very long time.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:59.599
Staying curious maybe maybe means not constantly searching for something different, simply refusing to stop looking.
00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:06.720
Because if you think about it, the person sitting across the table from you has been quietly growing all along.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:09.680
Perhaps we've just been too busy to notice.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.079
Maybe curiosity isn't about discovering a different spouse.
00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:18.880
Maybe it's about rediscovering the one you've already been given.
00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:22.079
And I think that's a beautiful thought.
00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:25.759
Rediscovering the one you already have with.
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:30.319
And you know, there's something else that's come to mind while we've been talking.
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:38.880
We've spent a lot of time speaking about seeing each other, but seeing someone and making time for them aren't always the same thing.
00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:39.920
That's true.
00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:43.920
Because sometimes the greatest threat to a marriage isn't conflict.
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:50.960
It's simply that life becomes so full that we leave very little space for the relationship itself.
00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:55.920
So let's talk about that making space to stay connected.
00:24:56.079 --> 00:24:57.680
Can I throw something out there?
00:24:57.839 --> 00:25:02.799
I don't think most marriages drift because couples stop loving each other.
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:07.039
I think they drift because life gets louder than the relationship.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:12.720
Work gets louder, children get louder, responsibilities get louder.
00:25:12.960 --> 00:25:17.359
Even good things can become distractions if we're not careful.
00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:18.960
For sure, for sure.
00:25:19.119 --> 00:25:22.559
Life doesn't usually pull us apart from each other overnight.
00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:24.559
It's much more subtle than that.
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:35.200
You keep saying, we'll spend time together next weekend, the next weekend becomes next month, and before you know it, you stop becoming intentional about nurturing your relationship.
00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:36.799
That's a good way of putting it.
00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:41.279
Running a household isn't the same as building a mare a marriage.
00:25:41.519 --> 00:25:44.079
Those are two different things.
00:25:44.319 --> 00:25:51.279
You know, if I have to choose one secret to a successful marriage, it would be protecting your friendship.
00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:59.359
Because romance has seasons, life has seasons, but friendship, friendship is what carries you through every season.
00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:02.079
Friendship is where laughter lives.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:05.200
It's where you feel safe enough to be yourself.
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:07.839
It's where you don't have to impress anyone.
00:26:08.160 --> 00:26:10.319
And here's something I've realized.
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:15.119
Friendship grows because of small moments repeated over time.
00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:22.079
I want to go back to what you said earlier about procrastinating when it comes to nurturing your marriage.
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:24.640
Let's talk about the danger of waiting.
00:26:24.799 --> 00:26:35.039
I used to think we needed to wait for the right time, the right weekend, the next holiday, when work settled down, when life becomes less busy.
00:26:35.200 --> 00:26:36.799
Do you know what I've discovered?
00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:39.279
Life never becomes less busy.
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.920
Never, it never becomes less busy.
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:47.119
There's always another commitment, another bill to pay, another family responsibility.
00:26:47.279 --> 00:26:51.440
And if we wait until life slows down, we may wait forever.
00:26:51.759 --> 00:26:52.400
Exactly.
00:26:52.640 --> 00:27:00.640
Marriage isn't strengthened in what's left over, it has to become part of the rhythm of everyday life.
00:27:00.880 --> 00:27:03.279
Oh, I like that, the rhythm of everyday life.
00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:08.079
But can we share a few things that have genuinely helped us over the years?
00:27:08.240 --> 00:27:12.880
Not because we've mastered marriage, but because they've helped us stay connected.
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:16.799
Firstly, protect ordinary moments.
00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:20.559
Not every meaningful moment has to be planned.
00:27:20.799 --> 00:27:28.240
One of the moments we often overlook is the first few minutes after you see each other at the end of the day.
00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:31.119
How you greet each other matters.
00:27:31.440 --> 00:27:34.079
Do you barely look up from your phone?
00:27:34.319 --> 00:27:43.519
Or do you stop for a moment, make eye contact, give each other a hug, and genuinely acknowledge that it is good to see you?
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:49.519
Small moments have a way of shaping the atmosphere of your home.
00:27:49.759 --> 00:27:50.480
100%.
00:27:51.039 --> 00:27:53.920
The next one is to celebrate small victories.
00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:58.880
You know, we've learned that life isn't made up of one big success after another.
00:27:59.119 --> 00:28:08.400
We always want to celebrate the big victories, but start celebrating the small ones because there are more small, ordinary victories than huge ones.
00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:24.000
Maybe your spouse has been trying to get healthier, working hard at their careers, studying after hours, being more patient with the kids, supporting aging parents, growing in their faith, or simply carrying responsibilities without complaining.
00:28:24.240 --> 00:28:26.880
Those things deserve to be acknowledged.
00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:32.960
Sometimes the most encouraging words you can say are, I've noticed how hard you've been trying.
00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:35.680
I am proud of the way you've handled yourself.
00:28:35.839 --> 00:28:37.279
Thank you for not giving up.
00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:43.119
Because all we need is someone who notices the victories that never make social media.
00:28:43.440 --> 00:28:46.720
There's a word that becomes a real buzzword lately.
00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:49.440
And it's called interruption.
00:28:49.680 --> 00:28:53.200
In business, they talk about disrupting the market.
00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:57.440
In leadership, they talk about interrupting old ways of thinking.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:04.640
In health, we've encouraged to interrupt unhealthy habits because they become lifestyles.
00:29:04.960 --> 00:29:08.000
Because nothing changes if nothing changes.
00:29:08.160 --> 00:29:10.480
And I think the same is true in marriage.
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:13.279
We've spoken a lot about routine today.
00:29:13.440 --> 00:29:15.279
And routine isn't the enemy.
00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:18.319
In fact, routines bring stability.
00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:20.960
They keep the household running.
00:29:21.200 --> 00:29:23.680
They keep us manage busy lives.
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:25.200
But here's the danger.
00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:34.559
When every day looks exactly like yesterday, we can end up living beside each other instead of truly experiencing life together.
00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:38.079
Maybe the problem isn't that we've stopped loving each other.
00:29:38.240 --> 00:29:41.680
Maybe we've simply stopped interrupting our routines.
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:45.519
Because curiosity requires interruption.
00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:47.839
Interrupt the routine, I say.
00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:49.839
Go out for breakfast.
00:29:50.079 --> 00:30:00.559
Take the scenic route home, watch a sunrise together, try a pottery class, book that bread making workshop, do something neither of you has done before.
00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:09.599
Do a dance class together, not because your marriage is in trouble, but because the strongest marriages don't simply manage life together.
00:30:09.839 --> 00:30:12.160
They keep experiencing life together.
00:30:12.480 --> 00:30:19.920
The couple who stays curious are often the couples who are willing to interrupt the ordinary every now and then.
00:30:20.160 --> 00:30:30.000
Not because something's wrong, but because they know that sometimes the best way to keep love growing is simply to experience something new together.
00:30:30.319 --> 00:30:33.119
Curiosity requires interruption.
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:37.039
This episode has really stirred up many questions.
00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:43.039
Not because we have all the answers, but because good questions have a way of helping us grow.
00:30:43.359 --> 00:30:51.039
Yes, and questions like have I become so familiar with my spouse that I've stopped noticing what's remarkable about them?
00:30:51.279 --> 00:30:54.400
Or have I allowed routine to replace friendship?
00:30:54.640 --> 00:31:00.079
Or what do I admire about my husband or my wife that I haven't actually told them?
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:11.200
And perhaps the biggest question of all Am I still intentionally investing in the marriage, or am I assuming it will simply take care of itself?
00:31:11.599 --> 00:31:14.400
All of this brings us back to today's title.
00:31:14.640 --> 00:31:15.519
Still curious?
00:31:15.839 --> 00:31:21.279
Or today's question, still curious, because curiosity isn't about becoming suspicious.
00:31:21.519 --> 00:31:23.599
It's about remaining engaged.
00:31:23.920 --> 00:31:29.680
Not simply staying married, but refusing to drift into emotional autopilot.
00:31:29.839 --> 00:31:30.880
Let's unpack that.
00:31:31.039 --> 00:31:41.279
I wonder if some people hear those words and immediately think, well, that's easy for you to say, because not every couple listening today is in a good place.
00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:42.799
And that's true.
00:31:43.039 --> 00:31:48.960
Some couples are thriving, others are just trying to get through another week, barely holding on.
00:31:49.119 --> 00:31:53.519
And there'll be some listening today who are carrying burdens nobody else knows about.
00:31:53.680 --> 00:31:57.279
So before we go any further, I think we need to pause here.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:32:03.279
We also recognize that not every couple listening is simply struggling with routine.
00:32:03.519 --> 00:32:05.920
Some are carrying much heavier burdens.
00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:12.640
Perhaps there's an addiction, or there was betrayal, manipulation, or even abuse.
00:32:13.039 --> 00:32:16.559
If that's your reality, we want you to hear this.
00:32:16.880 --> 00:32:24.799
Today's conversation about curiosity isn't suggesting that you ignore destructive behavior.
00:32:25.039 --> 00:32:31.519
Healthy marriages are built on love, trust, respect, and safety.
00:32:31.839 --> 00:32:37.680
When those things are consistently absent, something deeper needs attention.
00:32:37.920 --> 00:32:48.480
You know, we've spent many years walking alongside couples, and one thing we've learned is this there's a difference between a difficult season and a destructive pattern.
00:32:48.720 --> 00:32:53.839
Every marriage experiences conflict, every marriage experiences disappointment.
00:32:54.079 --> 00:32:59.279
But fear, control, intimidation, or ongoing abuse should never become the norm.
00:32:59.440 --> 00:33:03.440
If that's where you find yourself, please don't struggle in silence.
00:33:03.599 --> 00:33:08.319
Reach out, talk to someone you trust, seek wise support.
00:33:08.559 --> 00:33:13.039
Sometimes the strongest thing you can do for your marriage is ask for help.
00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:20.400
Love never asks someone to surrender their dignity, nor does commitment require someone to live without hope.
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:27.359
If you're living in an environment where there's ongoing abuse, please don't confuse endurance with faithfulness.
00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:29.359
They're not the same thing.
00:33:29.680 --> 00:33:33.680
Sometimes people think asking for help is admitting failure.
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:36.079
We found exactly the opposite.
00:33:36.319 --> 00:33:44.319
Some of the strongest couples we've ever met were the ones humble enough to say we can't do this alone.
00:33:44.559 --> 00:33:45.279
That's true.
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:50.480
And sometimes healing begins when one courageous conversation takes place.
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:57.279
Sometimes it begins with counseling, sometimes with trusted friends, sometimes with wise spiritual leaders.
00:33:57.440 --> 00:34:01.440
The important thing is this: don't struggle in silence.
00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:04.160
Silence rarely heals anything.
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:16.239
For most people listening today, the greatest threat to your marriage may not be abuse, but it could be drift, not dramatic, not obvious, just gradual drift.
00:34:16.480 --> 00:34:31.920
Life becomes busy, routine takes over, conversations become shorter, assumptions become longer, and before you realize it, you're living beside each other instead of truly sharing life together.
00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:39.360
And that's why we felt this conversation was worth having because healthy marriages don't drift by accident.
00:34:39.519 --> 00:34:41.760
They drift when they're left unattended.
00:34:41.920 --> 00:34:46.480
Just like a garden, leave it long enough, and weeds don't ask permission.
00:34:46.559 --> 00:34:47.679
They simply grow.
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:52.960
You know, I keep thinking back to the SUV guy in the shopping center car park.
00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:54.880
He reminded me of something.
00:34:55.199 --> 00:34:58.639
He wasn't admiring that vehicle because it was perfect.
00:34:58.960 --> 00:35:02.960
He was admiring it because he appreciated it, because it was new.
00:35:03.039 --> 00:35:04.000
And there's a difference.
00:35:04.239 --> 00:35:04.960
Oh, for sure.
00:35:05.199 --> 00:35:12.239
And maybe appreciation is one of the purest expressions of curiosity because appreciation pays attention.
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:12.480
Yes.
00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:19.119
Appreciation notices, it values, it refuses to take something precious for granted.
00:35:19.280 --> 00:35:23.280
And perhaps that's one of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse.
00:35:23.679 --> 00:35:26.159
Not perfection, just assurance.
00:35:26.400 --> 00:35:27.599
I still notice you.
00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:32.719
We've covered a lot today.
00:35:32.880 --> 00:35:34.880
But back to the shopping center car parking.
00:35:35.039 --> 00:35:36.079
I'll be back there.
00:35:36.320 --> 00:35:39.840
I still picture that gentleman standing beside his SUV.
00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:41.679
He wasn't in a hurry.
00:35:41.920 --> 00:35:43.679
He wasn't checking for damage.
00:35:43.920 --> 00:35:46.079
He wasn't trying to impress anyone.
00:35:46.320 --> 00:35:54.000
He simply stopped, looked, and appreciated something that had become part of his everyday life.
00:35:54.320 --> 00:35:58.320
Wow, that SUV guy surely made an impression on you.
00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:02.239
And maybe and maybe that's why that moment stayed with me as well.
00:36:02.480 --> 00:36:04.159
It wasn't really about the car.
00:36:04.320 --> 00:36:05.679
It was about attention.
00:36:05.840 --> 00:36:09.280
Because whatever we value, we naturally pay attention to.
00:36:09.440 --> 00:36:13.440
And whatever we stop paying attention to can quietly become ordinary.
00:36:13.599 --> 00:36:17.760
Not because it's lost its value, as you said, but because we've stopped seeing it.
00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:21.519
I think that's one of the biggest lessons marriage has taught us.
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:27.440
Love isn't only something we feel and or you feel, it's something you notice.
00:36:27.679 --> 00:36:30.719
Can I ask our listeners to imagine something?
00:36:30.880 --> 00:36:37.119
What if this week you look at your spouse the way the SUV guy looked at his new car?
00:36:37.280 --> 00:36:41.760
Not comparing them to a car, please, please, before anybody writes to us.
00:36:42.559 --> 00:36:48.639
But with the same sense of appreciation, the same sense of I'm grateful you are part of my life.
00:36:48.880 --> 00:36:52.639
I wonder how many little things we'll suddenly begin to notice again.
00:36:52.960 --> 00:36:56.400
I honestly think we'd notice more than we expect.
00:36:57.039 --> 00:37:00.239
Because people don't suddenly become extraordinary.
00:37:00.480 --> 00:37:04.159
Most of the time, they've been extraordinary all along.
00:37:04.320 --> 00:37:06.639
We've just become too busy to notice.
00:37:06.960 --> 00:37:16.000
Busy looking at our schedules, busy looking at our responsibilities, busy looking at our phones, everything except the person sitting right in front of us.
00:37:16.239 --> 00:37:21.920
And sometimes all it takes is slowing down long enough to really see them again.
00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:22.960
Exactly.
00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:30.480
So rather than giving everyone a long list of homework, can we leave our listeners with one simple challenge this week?
00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:31.920
Interrupt something.
00:37:32.159 --> 00:37:33.199
Interrupt the routine.
00:37:34.079 --> 00:37:43.679
Interrupt the assumptions, interrupt the distractions, create one unexpected moment together, then ask one question you've never asked before.
00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:46.800
You might be surprised by what you discover.
00:37:47.199 --> 00:37:50.880
And when you discover that that's something, don't keep it to yourself.
00:37:51.039 --> 00:37:51.679
Say it.
00:37:51.920 --> 00:37:56.719
We so often think appreciation, but we never actually speak it.
00:37:56.960 --> 00:37:59.119
Tell your spouse what you've noticed.
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:02.480
It doesn't have to be poetic, it doesn't have to be profound.
00:38:02.719 --> 00:38:04.559
Just be authentic.
00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:09.360
Maybe it's I've watched you with the kids today and it reminds me how patient you are.
00:38:09.599 --> 00:38:12.239
Or thank you for caring so much without complaining.
00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:17.199
Or simply, I don't think I've told you this for a while, but I really appreciate you.
00:38:17.440 --> 00:38:21.840
When last did you pause, look at your spouse and say, I love you.
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:27.280
Those few words have a remarkable way of breathing life back into ordinary days.
00:38:27.519 --> 00:38:32.079
I love that because appreciation isn't complicated but intentional.
00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:32.559
Yes.
00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:35.840
And maybe that's really what we've been talking about today.
00:38:36.079 --> 00:38:46.320
Not becoming marriage experts, not having all the answers, but simply refusing to stop discovering the person we've chosen to spend our lives with.
00:38:46.559 --> 00:38:51.039
I think it's time we wrap up this conversation because it's been longer than the norm.
00:38:51.119 --> 00:38:53.920
But I think it's been a critical conversation, not so.
00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:58.320
So as we close today, we'd like to speak a blessing over your marriage.
00:38:58.559 --> 00:39:01.519
May you never stop being curious about one another.
00:39:01.760 --> 00:39:08.880
May you keep asking questions, sharing dreams, and making room for the person your spouse is still becoming.
00:39:09.199 --> 00:39:15.920
May familiarity never rob you of wonder, and may routine never silence meaningful conversation.
00:39:16.159 --> 00:39:29.280
May you continue to notice the little things, the quiet acts of kindness, the everyday sacrifices, the strengths that often go unseen, and the reasons you choose each other in the first place.
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:39.199
May admiration be spoken often, appreciation expressed freely, and encouragement become the language of your home.
00:39:39.440 --> 00:39:45.360
May you always choose to see the best in one another, even in life's ordinary moments.
00:39:45.599 --> 00:39:56.239
And may you have the courage to keep growing, the humility to keep learning, and the wisdom to believe that every season of marriage holds something new to discover.
00:39:56.480 --> 00:40:04.000
May laughter come easily, forgiveness come quickly, and friendship remain the strongest foundation beneath your love.
00:40:04.239 --> 00:40:09.119
And when life gets busy, may you resist the temptation to assume.
00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:16.159
Instead, may you choose to ask, choose to listen, and choose to notice.
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:21.760
Because the strongest marriages aren't built by people who know everything about each other.
00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:25.679
They're built by people who never stop discovering each other.
00:40:26.000 --> 00:40:33.360
From our hearts to yours, may your marriage continue to grow into something even richer than the day it began.
00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:38.239
Stay curious, keep choosing each other, and keep journeying together.
00:40:38.480 --> 00:40:42.559
And we never take for granted that you choose to invite us into your day.
00:40:42.719 --> 00:40:54.159
So if today's conversation has encouraged you, please do us a favor and share it with another couple because sometimes one conversation is all it takes to see something differently.
00:40:54.400 --> 00:40:56.000
And we'd love to hear from you.
00:40:56.159 --> 00:41:01.599
You can email us on info at twoheartsonejourney.co.z.
00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:07.360
And remember, love isn't only something you feel, it's something you notice.
00:41:07.519 --> 00:41:14.800
We'll be back next week with another honest conversation about marriage, the joys, the challenges, and everything in between.
00:41:15.119 --> 00:41:21.840
Until then, keep choosing one another, keep laughing together, and above all, stay curious.
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:23.519
God bless I'm Jeremy.
00:41:23.920 --> 00:41:27.599
And I'm Sharon, and thank you for joining us on Two Hearts One Journey.
00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:29.360
Take care and God bless.
