WEBVTT
00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:08.240
Welcome to Traveling Companion Stories of Becoming.
00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:10.320
I'm your host, Jenny Snyder.
00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:18.960
This is a podcast about the in-between, those threshold moments when we can no longer go back to who we were.
00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:22.719
And who we're becoming isn't yet clear.
00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:29.440
If you've ever stood in that space, or maybe you find yourself there now, you're not alone.
00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:38.880
Today I'm turning the lens inward and looking back and sharing some of my own experiences navigating that in-between space.
00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:41.200
Let's begin.
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:48.479
Two years ago, I stepped away from a career that occupied most of my adult life.
00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:54.560
And what I noticed was this threshold felt different.
00:00:54.880 --> 00:01:01.600
No urgent decision, no answer to discover, just me and a question.
00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:06.079
And that brought me back to something that I've been sitting with.
00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:15.439
What is it about those moments in our lives when we know we can't go back, and yet what's ahead isn't clear.
00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:18.959
What makes a next step possible?
00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:27.040
Because there have definitely been other times in my life when the stakes felt much higher.
00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:30.480
And I remember one of those moments in particular.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:35.280
In my late 20s, I had a taste of it.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:48.159
Working as a teaching assistant while I was in graduate school, this experience of being in a classroom with students, the dialogue, it felt magical.
00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:52.879
I worked hard, but it didn't feel like work.
00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:57.840
I just felt alive, and I remember that feeling.
00:01:58.239 --> 00:02:01.760
And then I had to be a responsible adult.
00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:23.680
I ended up working in an HR office under the fluorescent lights, a commute that took me two hours to and from work each day in front of a computer screen in my office all alone, staring at spreadsheets for three years.
00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:28.240
And the contrast could not have been sharper.
00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:44.319
And during those three years, under the fluorescent lights, driving two hours back and forth each day, I felt my soul slipoy, my energy drained, dreaded going into the office.
00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:47.199
I knew I couldn't stay.
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:55.759
And I kept coming back to this memory of the classroom and the students and work that felt alive.
00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:04.800
You could teach, get paid, earn your credential.
00:03:05.360 --> 00:03:18.800
They invited me to come up for an interview, and I remember uh flying up to the Oakland airport one morning, drove to the interview, and I was just so full of hope.
00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:20.560
I just was excited.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:24.159
My step was lighter, I was just gliding.
00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:30.719
Showed up at the interview and met with a committee that asked me about my background.
00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:34.319
They were really supportive, said my application looked great.
00:03:34.479 --> 00:03:37.520
They said, absolutely, we can accept you into the program.
00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:44.719
Unfortunately, uh we can't guarantee you a job as an intern teacher.
00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:55.360
And it was just in that moment as I heard the words coming out of the committee chair's mouth that landed like a thud.
00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:59.120
I felt my chest tighten.
00:03:59.840 --> 00:04:04.000
I just struggled to get a breath.
00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:05.840
I thanked them.
00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:14.000
I walked out to the car, drove to the airport, and my thoughts were just spiraling.
00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:16.879
Oh my God, what am I gonna do now?
00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:20.879
I was just beside myself.
00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:35.199
Got to my gate and found my way to a payphone and put some coins in and called a friend of mine in Southern California, and the words were rushing out of my mouth.
00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:38.639
I was just like stream of consciousness.
00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:41.199
She just was like, okay, slow down.
00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:43.040
What happened?
00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:48.560
And I started to recount what had happened, and I and through my words, I'm choking back tears.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:52.240
I'm just overwhelmed.
00:04:52.800 --> 00:05:05.600
And what struck me in that moment, I am sitting on the floor, I've got the payphone in my hand, and I'm just my words and spilling out in tears.
00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:11.680
And my friend's response, as I look back, really stood out to me.
00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:13.680
She didn't offer any advice.
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:16.319
She didn't say, okay, this is what you got to do next.
00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:18.879
She didn't try to fix anything.
00:05:19.199 --> 00:05:20.720
She just listened.
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:35.120
As I tried to make sense of where I was, she acknowledged how hard that was, the disappointment that she heard in my voice, and she stayed with me.
00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:48.079
And as I think about this podcast and what I'm hoping to create here is that sense of companionship that my friend offered me that day.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:06:07.920
It's not a fixing, it's not, these are the quick steps to get to your endpoint, but to be present, to accompany ourselves, each other, on this journey through these threshold moments.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.040
And we wrapped up our conversation.
00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:20.480
I boarded my plane, I flew back home, and over the next several days, I just was spinning.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:25.439
I went back and forth, you know, got the little envelope doing calculations.
00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:27.199
How could I make this work?
00:06:27.519 --> 00:06:34.560
Um, how would I even be able to make this move without a job, without a way of supporting?
00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:38.160
I mean, lots of questions that I just went back and forth.
00:06:38.399 --> 00:06:53.839
And the next day I showed up in my office and I, after the commute, climbed the stairs, walked to my office, and sat under the fluorescent lights in front of my computer screen, and I hung my head down.
00:06:54.399 --> 00:06:59.759
And I was like, I can't keep doing this.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:06.720
I'm not even sure what it was that propelled me.
00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:12.079
What was the final thing that sort of led me to my next step?
00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:23.040
But after mulling it over for a few days, I walked into my boss's office and I said, I'm gonna be quitting in June.
00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:25.759
I gave her my letter of resignation.
00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:31.120
And in that moment, I felt lighter.
00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:34.560
It was like, wow, something's moving.
00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:39.279
And it wasn't an arrival, it wasn't I had sorted it all out.
00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:43.439
Crossing that threshold was another beginning.
00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:45.199
It's like, now what?
00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:56.319
But going through that process afforded me the time, the space to sort through what mattered to me.
00:07:56.399 --> 00:08:08.160
And I think that what I held on to was that contrast, the soul-crushing job, and how alive I felt as a teacher.
00:08:08.480 --> 00:08:23.120
And over the course of my life, I have had a number of thresholds, and every threshold has asked the same thing, essentially.
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:42.559
They've been different aspects of my life, but they all involve putting something down, stepping away, preparing, gathering, and taking a next step, despite the fear, despite the uncertainty.
00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:46.480
I came across this quote by Mark Nipo.
00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:55.039
It's such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego, we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door.
00:08:55.440 --> 00:08:58.159
We cannot hold on to things and enter.
00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:05.759
We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside.
00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:08.399
It's a basic human sequence.
00:09:08.720 --> 00:09:12.720
Gather, prepare, put down, enter.
00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:30.559
And as I look at the different threshold moments that I have walked over the course of my life, the one on the airport floor, others coming out to my parents as an 18-year-old, taking steps towards recovery.
00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:34.320
That arc has held true.
00:09:34.639 --> 00:10:10.399
The call, the mismatch between the way I have been or the way I've been living becomes unbearable in some way, the cost too great to ignore, putting something down, a facade that I've got it all together, that I've got it all figured out, patterns of behavior, a way of being that no longer fit, the picking up courage, a willingness to feel the fear and take the step anyway, and to enter.
00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:14.879
And a next step is not the next step.
00:10:15.039 --> 00:10:20.399
It doesn't necessarily bring resolution, it brings its whole host of new beginnings.
00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:26.559
Every crossing has led to more territory, not an arrival.
00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:31.360
And I think for me, this has been the nature of those thresholds.
00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:36.879
And so this is the invitation that I extend to all of you.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:47.919
As I think about those thresholds that I have navigated and those that I'm in the midst of right now, I have felt the disorientation.
00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:55.759
Even the alumnus, I haven't figured this out, and I'm the only person who feels this way.
00:10:56.080 --> 00:11:06.879
And as I've talked to people and shared my experience, what I'm beginning to discover is that other people are experiencing this.
00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.480
Like, surprise, I'm not chronically unique.
00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:18.399
And so I think the invitation here is that you don't have to travel it alone.
00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:31.440
As I think about moments in my life, a condition that made a next step possible for me was I didn't necessarily walk it alone.
00:11:31.600 --> 00:11:35.759
There were aspects of that experience that I experienced uniquely to myself.
00:11:36.159 --> 00:11:51.279
And like my friend on the phone in the airport, to be surrounded by people who could listen, to be present, to point out, like, hey, here's a blind spot you might have missed.
00:11:51.600 --> 00:12:00.799
That companionship was really important to my being able to navigate those steps.
00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:10.879
I'm really curious, both for my own journey, also, these are the conversations that I want to have with others.
00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:12.240
What's your experience?
00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:23.120
What are those moments in your life where you found yourself at that point where you couldn't go back and yet what was ahead was not clear.
00:12:23.440 --> 00:12:34.159
What this show offers for anyone that's navigating this territory or has been there, it's not a promise of answers or tidy resolution.
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:38.240
It's not a map about how you get from point A to point B.
00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:51.519
It's an offer of companionship for the ongoing journey, because a step opens into another beginning, and that beginning will ask something of you too.
00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:56.320
Traveling companions is not arrived companions.
00:12:56.960 --> 00:13:03.200
Thank you for being here in this space, and I'll see you on the next stretch of the journey.
00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:08.240
Welcome to Traveling Companion Stories of Becoming.
00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:10.320
I'm your host, Jenny Snyder.
00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:18.960
This is a podcast about the in-between, those threshold moments when we can no longer go back to who we were.
00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:22.719
And who we're becoming isn't yet clear.
00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:29.440
If you've ever stood in that space, or maybe you find yourself there now, you're not alone.
00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:38.880
Today I'm turning the lens inward and looking back and sharing some of my own experiences navigating that in-between space.
00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:41.200
Let's begin.
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:48.479
Two years ago, I stepped away from a career that occupied most of my adult life.
00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:54.560
And what I noticed was this threshold felt different.
00:00:54.880 --> 00:01:01.600
No urgent decision, no answer to discover, just me and a question.
00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:06.079
And that brought me back to something that I've been sitting with.
00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:15.439
What is it about those moments in our lives when we know we can't go back, and yet what's ahead isn't clear.
00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:18.959
What makes a next step possible?
00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:27.040
Because there have definitely been other times in my life when the stakes felt much higher.
00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:30.480
And I remember one of those moments in particular.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:35.280
In my late 20s, I had a taste of it.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:48.159
Working as a teaching assistant while I was in graduate school, this experience of being in a classroom with students, the dialogue, it felt magical.
00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:52.879
I worked hard, but it didn't feel like work.
00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:57.840
I just felt alive, and I remember that feeling.
00:01:58.239 --> 00:02:01.760
And then I had to be a responsible adult.
00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:23.680
I ended up working in an HR office under the fluorescent lights, a commute that took me two hours to and from work each day in front of a computer screen in my office all alone, staring at spreadsheets for three years.
00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:28.240
And the contrast could not have been sharper.
00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:44.319
And during those three years, under the fluorescent lights, driving two hours back and forth each day, I felt my soul slipoy, my energy drained, dreaded going into the office.
00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:47.199
I knew I couldn't stay.
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:55.759
And I kept coming back to this memory of the classroom and the students and work that felt alive.
00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:04.800
You could teach, get paid, earn your credential.
00:03:05.360 --> 00:03:18.800
They invited me to come up for an interview, and I remember uh flying up to the Oakland airport one morning, drove to the interview, and I was just so full of hope.
00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:20.560
I just was excited.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:24.159
My step was lighter, I was just gliding.
00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:30.719
Showed up at the interview and met with a committee that asked me about my background.
00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:34.319
They were really supportive, said my application looked great.
00:03:34.479 --> 00:03:37.520
They said, absolutely, we can accept you into the program.
00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:44.719
Unfortunately, uh we can't guarantee you a job as an intern teacher.
00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:55.360
And it was just in that moment as I heard the words coming out of the committee chair's mouth that landed like a thud.
00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:59.120
I felt my chest tighten.
00:03:59.840 --> 00:04:04.000
I just struggled to get a breath.
00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:05.840
I thanked them.
00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:14.000
I walked out to the car, drove to the airport, and my thoughts were just spiraling.
00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:16.879
Oh my God, what am I gonna do now?
00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:20.879
I was just beside myself.
00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:35.199
Got to my gate and found my way to a payphone and put some coins in and called a friend of mine in Southern California, and the words were rushing out of my mouth.
00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:38.639
I was just like stream of consciousness.
00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:41.199
She just was like, okay, slow down.
00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:43.040
What happened?
00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:48.560
And I started to recount what had happened, and I and through my words, I'm choking back tears.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:52.240
I'm just overwhelmed.
00:04:52.800 --> 00:05:05.600
And what struck me in that moment, I am sitting on the floor, I've got the payphone in my hand, and I'm just my words and spilling out in tears.
00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:11.680
And my friend's response, as I look back, really stood out to me.
00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:13.680
She didn't offer any advice.
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:16.319
She didn't say, okay, this is what you got to do next.
00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:18.879
She didn't try to fix anything.
00:05:19.199 --> 00:05:20.720
She just listened.
00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:35.120
As I tried to make sense of where I was, she acknowledged how hard that was, the disappointment that she heard in my voice, and she stayed with me.
00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:48.079
And as I think about this podcast and what I'm hoping to create here is that sense of companionship that my friend offered me that day.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:06:07.920
It's not a fixing, it's not, these are the quick steps to get to your endpoint, but to be present, to accompany ourselves, each other, on this journey through these threshold moments.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.040
And we wrapped up our conversation.
00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:20.480
I boarded my plane, I flew back home, and over the next several days, I just was spinning.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:25.439
I went back and forth, you know, got the little envelope doing calculations.
00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:27.199
How could I make this work?
00:06:27.519 --> 00:06:34.560
Um, how would I even be able to make this move without a job, without a way of supporting?
00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:38.160
I mean, lots of questions that I just went back and forth.
00:06:38.399 --> 00:06:53.839
And the next day I showed up in my office and I, after the commute, climbed the stairs, walked to my office, and sat under the fluorescent lights in front of my computer screen, and I hung my head down.
00:06:54.399 --> 00:06:59.759
And I was like, I can't keep doing this.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:06.720
I'm not even sure what it was that propelled me.
00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:12.079
What was the final thing that sort of led me to my next step?
00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:23.040
But after mulling it over for a few days, I walked into my boss's office and I said, I'm gonna be quitting in June.
00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:25.759
I gave her my letter of resignation.
00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:31.120
And in that moment, I felt lighter.
00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:34.560
It was like, wow, something's moving.
00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:39.279
And it wasn't an arrival, it wasn't I had sorted it all out.
00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:43.439
Crossing that threshold was another beginning.
00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:45.199
It's like, now what?
00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:56.319
But going through that process afforded me the time, the space to sort through what mattered to me.
00:07:56.399 --> 00:08:08.160
And I think that what I held on to was that contrast, the soul-crushing job, and how alive I felt as a teacher.
00:08:08.480 --> 00:08:23.120
And over the course of my life, I have had a number of thresholds, and every threshold has asked the same thing, essentially.
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:42.559
They've been different aspects of my life, but they all involve putting something down, stepping away, preparing, gathering, and taking a next step, despite the fear, despite the uncertainty.
00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:46.480
I came across this quote by Mark Nipo.
00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:55.039
It's such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego, we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door.
00:08:55.440 --> 00:08:58.159
We cannot hold on to things and enter.
00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:05.759
We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside.
00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:08.399
It's a basic human sequence.
00:09:08.720 --> 00:09:12.720
Gather, prepare, put down, enter.
00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:30.559
And as I look at the different threshold moments that I have walked over the course of my life, the one on the airport floor, others coming out to my parents as an 18-year-old, taking steps towards recovery.
00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:34.320
That arc has held true.
00:09:34.639 --> 00:10:10.399
The call, the mismatch between the way I have been or the way I've been living becomes unbearable in some way, the cost too great to ignore, putting something down, a facade that I've got it all together, that I've got it all figured out, patterns of behavior, a way of being that no longer fit, the picking up courage, a willingness to feel the fear and take the step anyway, and to enter.
00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:14.879
And a next step is not the next step.
00:10:15.039 --> 00:10:20.399
It doesn't necessarily bring resolution, it brings its whole host of new beginnings.
00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:26.559
Every crossing has led to more territory, not an arrival.
00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:31.360
And I think for me, this has been the nature of those thresholds.
00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:36.879
And so this is the invitation that I extend to all of you.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:47.919
As I think about those thresholds that I have navigated and those that I'm in the midst of right now, I have felt the disorientation.
00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:55.759
Even the alumnus, I haven't figured this out, and I'm the only person who feels this way.
00:10:56.080 --> 00:11:06.879
And as I've talked to people and shared my experience, what I'm beginning to discover is that other people are experiencing this.
00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.480
Like, surprise, I'm not chronically unique.
00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:18.399
And so I think the invitation here is that you don't have to travel it alone.
00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:31.440
As I think about moments in my life, a condition that made a next step possible for me was I didn't necessarily walk it alone.
00:11:31.600 --> 00:11:35.759
There were aspects of that experience that I experienced uniquely to myself.
00:11:36.159 --> 00:11:51.279
And like my friend on the phone in the airport, to be surrounded by people who could listen, to be present, to point out, like, hey, here's a blind spot you might have missed.
00:11:51.600 --> 00:12:00.799
That companionship was really important to my being able to navigate those steps.
00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:10.879
I'm really curious, both for my own journey, also, these are the conversations that I want to have with others.
00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:12.240
What's your experience?
00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:23.120
What are those moments in your life where you found yourself at that point where you couldn't go back and yet what was ahead was not clear.
00:12:23.440 --> 00:12:34.159
What this show offers for anyone that's navigating this territory or has been there, it's not a promise of answers or tidy resolution.
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:38.240
It's not a map about how you get from point A to point B.
00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:51.519
It's an offer of companionship for the ongoing journey, because a step opens into another beginning, and that beginning will ask something of you too.
00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:56.320
Traveling companions is not arrived companions.
00:12:56.960 --> 00:13:03.200
Thank you for being here in this space, and I'll see you on the next stretch of the journey.
