#91: Why Is The First Year So Hard? Change, Buyer's Remorse & Second-Guessing Yourself

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Hello, welcome to Just Count Me In.
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This is a space where we explore how we can flow, evolve, and basically transform our lives by understanding ourselves a little bit better.
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Today we're going to talk about something that we don't always talk about.
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We often don't talk about.
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It's an experience that we would really rather not have happen, but it deserves to be addressed.
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We're going to talk about the times that you wanted something really badly for a really long time, worked hard, or flowed into it, and finally made it happen.
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And then you found yourself wondering, what am I doing here?
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It's happened to me, and it's happened to me recently.
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It's happened to a lot of the people that I coach because a lot of them were in states where they're transforming and in transitions in their lives and they're growing, and inevitably it happens.
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And I started wondering, why does this happen?
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Why does it happen?
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Like maybe you moved to a new state, maybe you went away to college, maybe you started a new job, or even changed careers, or opened a business, maybe you stepped into a different position, or maybe you started a relationship that you're really excited about.
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You wanted the change, you made the decision, you may even have sacrificed a great deal to make it happen.
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Then, somewhere along the way, some people it happens immediately, and some people it happens after the first year, which we call like the honeymoon period.
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You all of a sudden are thinking to yourself, why am I not happier?
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Why does this not feel right?
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Did I make a mistake?
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What am I doing here?
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I want to explore why this happens because I wanted to understand it based on experience that recently happened to me and to help my coaching clients.
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And I also always look into what the neuroscience and psychological research tells about it and what we can actually do to make it easier.
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Because I think there's something important to understand here.
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Sometimes the life we wanted takes time to feel like the life we're being in and that we belong in.
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Sometimes that discomfort is telling us something genuinely needs to change, but sometimes it's not.
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So you finally got what you wanted.
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I'll start with my own experience.
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When we moved here to South Carolina, this was trusting the pole.
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This was in the flow for us, it was in the works for a long time.
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We had wanted to make this move literally for seven years.
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We thought about it, we planned, we waited, we waited for the timing to be right, and then we finally got here.
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One would think that after wanting something for so long, you'd arrive and immediately feel like, ah, this is it.
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I mean, I felt really at home here, even when we just came here for vacations.
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Like we're here, we did it, this is where we're supposed to be.
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To be honest, it wasn't how I felt all the time.
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I knew that I wanted to live here.
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I knew that this was where we belonged, but that was in my head, and in my heart and my gut, which is what brought us here to begin with, just to be full disclosure.
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It was trusting the gut, trusting the heart.
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My head wasn't that involved in it.
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I just was not feeling like it was home.
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I and I would even say to my husband, you know, I know this is right, I know that this is home, but it doesn't feel like home yet.
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It feels like we're living in a really great place with really great neighbors in the most harmonious geographical location we could be in in the United States, but it just doesn't feel like home yet.
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I don't even feel like I have a home.
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And for a while, that is how I felt.
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Even though I loved it, it didn't feel like home.
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And I've often noticed this pattern in other people's lives.
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I I'm coaching right now some college students who were genuinely excited about going away to school, being independent, starting this next chapter in their life.
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Some of them are experiencing terrible homesickness.
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Others found that their first year in the dorms were pretty miserable, even though they learned a lot and grew through the experience.
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It wouldn't have been something that they would have chosen.
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And I've seen similar questions come up when people move for work or change careers or take new professional responsibilities.
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You can get the job you wanted and still feel overwhelmed.
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You can start a business you've dreamed of, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you're feeling the weight of that responsibility.
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You can move somewhere that offers you totally a better quality of life and then start to really miss what you left behind.
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Everything that you left behind really can get magnified.
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You can go into the relationship that you really want and discover that building that life together maybe is going to require more adjustment than you expected.
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So I started wondering: is there something about the first year of a major change that makes it especially challenging?
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And I did research that because I've coached a lot of transitions in people's lives, and the year marker does not always apply to this.
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I was trying to make it simple, but I thought, let me see what is my brain trying to do.
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So one useful concept in neuroscience is called predictive processing.
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So the brain uses your past experiences and then incoming information now to anticipate what's going to come next.
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Closely related research on a process called alostase is how the brain anticipates the body's needs and helps coordinate physical resources.
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In a review by neuroscientists Peter Sterling and Jay Schukin, published in The Trends of Neuroscience in 2019, this review discusses this predictive approach.
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It's trying to regulate the body.
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So why does this stuff matter when we're going through a major life change?
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Like, where does that fit in?
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Because our brains don't operate in a vacuum.
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Our experience of a situation is influenced by what we've learned and what we expect and how we can anticipate and what's going to come next.
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So think about your daily routine when you're living somewhere familiar.
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You know where to shop, you know which roads to take, you know where to go to if you need help with something.
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You may even have friends that live nearby.
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Much of your day feels relatively predictable.
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Now imagine moving to a new state.
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All of a sudden, you've got to figure out where things are.
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You don't necessarily know your neighbors, you don't know your favorite place.
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People come to visit you and they're like, where's a good place to go out to eat?
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Well, I don't know yet.
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Where's a good place to shop for this?
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We're still figuring that out.
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You may not have the same social connections or daily rhythms either.
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It might be completely different.
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Like the temperature here is a lot different than it was in Colorado.
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So things that I could do in the summertime at 10 o'clock in the morning there most summers, I could not touch after 8 o'clock here.
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So a lot of things changed.
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And the same thing happens when you start a new job.
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You've got to learn the expectations and understand the culture of where you're going and establish relationships, figure out how decisions get made, how communication, like the whole hierarchy thing.
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And if you're starting a business, you're learning how to operate in an environment where the answers may not be obvious yet.
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Like you're making decisions, managing other people's uncertainty and your own.
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And often you're taking responsibility for things you've never been responsible for before.
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When you go away to college, you don't just learn your academic subjects, you are learning a lot about yourself and how to rely on yourself and who you are when your family is not there and who you are when you're alone.
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And some people in this position do a lot of partying and a lot of numbing because they don't want to face those things.
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The kids that I'm working with are not doing that.
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When they're tempted to distract themselves, they know, so it kind of takes the fun out of it, and they have to sit with their feelings and figure it out.
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All these situations you're doing a lot of learning at once.
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And it doesn't mean that your brain is incapable of handling change.
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It just means that familiar situations and new situations put different demands on your attention and your ability to anticipate what comes next.
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And I think a lot of it was uncertainty because research on uncertainty shows that that is relevant to how the brain processes information and makes decisions.
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So when we don't know what to expect, we can find ourselves working harder to make sense of things.
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We might become more vigilant, we might second guess ourselves, we might feel less confident than we normally would.
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This is really important because feeling less confident in a new environment doesn't mean that you've become less capable.
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You may just be operating in a situation where you haven't constructed your knowledge yet.
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You don't have your foundation yet, your routines, your experiences that made your old environment feel like home.
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You haven't necessarily lost your competence, which is what I question for a while.
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You may be just rebuilding your sense of familiarity.
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And that is a hugely important distinction.
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There's research on college and career transitions, and I work with a lot of people in this category.
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So let's take a look at what the researchers actually found.
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There was a 2017 study published in the journal Emotion by Tammy English and colleagues, followed by it followed 174 college students during their first semester away from home.
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The researchers tracked homesickness and adjustment for the first 10 weeks.
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And here's something interesting: 94% of the students reported experiencing at least some to severe levels of homesickness during that period.
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That's a striking reminder that homesickness is in no way unusual to leaving home.
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I mean, you think it's a no-brainer, but to tell you the truth, to these kids that are in college, they're so excited about going.
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Their families are so excited about them going.
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It all sounds good, and they see their friends' pictures on social media, only the fun times, and they think something's wrong with them, and it's not.
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Homesickness does increase a little bit, but it really varies over the students.
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And the first year is the hardest in this case.
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But it didn't find that homesickness predicted poor academic outcomes at the end of the semester, which is really interesting.
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So it just affected them emotionally.
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In other words, you can be struggling emotionally with the transition, and you don't necessarily struggle academically.
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Some people, conversely, threw themselves into grades, and that's how they dealt with it.
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I think that's important because we can be quick to interpret someone's homesickness as unhappiness, meaning maybe they shouldn't have left home to go to college.
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But the research does not support making that assumption at all.
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It also doesn't tell us that every student should stay away from home.
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It tells us that we need to look at the individual.
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Let's take a look at this in the workplace.
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In 2007, Talia Bauer and her colleagues published a meta-analysis in the Journal of Applied Psychology.
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They examined 70 samples of newcomers entering organizations.
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They identified three dimensions of adjustment.
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First, role clarity, understanding what you're expected to do.
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Second, self-efficacy, developing confidence that you can perform the work.
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These are pretty much no-brainers, right?
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Third, social acceptance, developing the sense that you belong and can build relationships with the people around you.
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This is a tricky one.
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These dimensions were all related to outcomes, such as how satisfied people were with their job, how they performed, how committed they stayed, and how long they wanted to stay.
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So when you think about what that means, you can be qualified for a position and still need time to understand your role.
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You can be excellent at what you do, but you still need time to develop confidence in the new organization where you are.
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And you can be happy with your career decision and still really need to find your people.
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There was a review of a meta-analysis of newcomer adjustment that further highlighted the importance of social acceptance and the ability to do your job well.
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The takeaway is that everyone, not everyone, needs a year to settle in.
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Research did not establish a universal one-year adjustment period.
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It's that adjustment is a process and different parts process at different rates.
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You may learn the job really fast, but take longer to feel socially connected.
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You may love your new home, but miss your old community and your neighbors.
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I still do, and I love where I live very much.
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You might feel confident in your professional skills, but struggle with the uncertainty of doing it in your own business.
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There's not necessarily one moment or there might be when everything falls into place.
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There's no set formula for it, which I wish there was because I would take some comfort in that.
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So I started wondering why do we question our decisions?
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Like, what is it?
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Am I just overthinking?
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Am I is it my brain taking over because I want familiar?
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When we're uncomfortable, we often want to explain that discomfort.
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And one of the first explanations we reach for is that we've made the wrong decision.
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We try to blame.
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You think about the questions that come up, like, why did I move here?
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What was I thinking when I chose this college?
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How come I left my old job?
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Maybe things weren't that bad.
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Sometimes those questions are useful.
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Sometimes they can help us recognize a mismatch if we've made a mistake.
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We all make mistakes.
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Sometimes we're using our current emotional state to judge an entire decision.
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We're looking at a bad Tuesday afternoon and using it as evidence that the last two years of planning was a mistake.
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We're having a lonely weekend and deciding that we don't belong in the place we moved to.
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We're celebrating a birthday by ourselves and wondering why we left.
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We're struggling in a new job and questioning our professional ability, even though we're still learning how the organization works.
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We may be comparing the unfamiliar reality of our new life with the familiar of the old one, and that is just plain not fair.
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In our old environment, we already knew the systems, we knew the people, we knew the routines, we had the experience.
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In the new environment, we're comparing our beginner experience with our established experience, and that's what it is.
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That's going to feel different.
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There's another layer to it, too, because before we make a change, we often imagine the benefits.
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We picture the new home, the exciting career, the independence of college, the freedom of owning a business.
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We visualize a lot usually.
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We're 90% in our heads about things.
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We may not spend as much imagining the ordinary difficulties, and I wouldn't want to.
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Frankly, I don't think I would want to even go there.
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Because they're going to come up on their own.
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We're not going to sit there and imagine what's it going to be like to be lonely?
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What's it going to be like to have a learning curve and the and uncertainty?
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Is it going to feel like an adventure or just crazy, like because I don't know what I'm doing?
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And that doesn't make our vision wrong.
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It means our expectations were incomplete.
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We didn't think of everything.
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What if I don't have enough experience with this new chapter yet to know exactly how I feel?
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Maybe you give yourself a little bit more time before you make a conclusion.
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So here's five ways to make the first year easier.
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Because I, any of you that know me, know that I do not like to sit in the problem because then I feel helpless.
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So it's great to identify a problem, it's comforting to bond with other people about the problem, and then we move on.
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What can we do?
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So here are five practical strategies that can help you, whether you're moving, going to school, changing careers, starting a business, entering a new relationship, or taking on a new role in any capacity.
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Number one, give yourself permission to have mixed feelings.
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Be nice to yourself.
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You can be grateful for an opportunity and still miss what you left behind.
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You can love your new home and still miss your old friends and your family.
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You can be excited about college and still feel homesick.
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You can appreciate a new job and still sometimes feel overwhelmed by a learning curve.
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Those feelings don't cancel each other out.
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Recognizing mixed emotions allows you to respond more honestly to your experience instead of saying I shouldn't feel this way.
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You can just try asking yourself, what am I missing?
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What's hard about this?
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What did I expect that hasn't happened yet?
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What do I do?
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What do I need that I'm not currently getting?
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Sometimes the answer is going to come to you and it's easier than you think.
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Number two, create familiar anchors while building something new.
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So when everything changes once, it helps to preserve some stability.
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It doesn't mean that you're resisting the change, it means you're giving yourself something familiar while you adjust.
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Some of the kids I'm coaching in college decided to make their parents had Taco Tuesday and they really missed being home and they're out of state, so that's not happening.
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So they decided to have their own Taco Tuesdays, even without their families, sometime with FaceTime, sometimes not, and they just feel a little bit more at home because they have a new routine.
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So they want to make sure that the right routine is created.
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And if you're in relationships, don't assume that you've got to abandon your individual routines just to make the relationship work.
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Familiarity does not mean staying in the past, it means you bring those parts of yourself into the new chapter while allowing the other parts of your life to develop.
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Number three is build connection intentionally.
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One of the biggest challenges in any transition is that we may have lost the social connections that really supported us.
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I mean, when we moved here, I had lived in Colorado for 28 years and I knew people in the stores.
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I knew people when I walked around the neighborhood.
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I just knew people.
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I knew people in my career through the school districts, and I moved here, and none of that.
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We had met a couple neighbors, that was it.
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Sometimes we expect things to just happen naturally, but different ages, different stage in your life, you can try to combat this by realizing that first arm yourself with this.
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You know that it's going to take time to develop.
00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:09.200
And even if we don't remember, it did take time to develop most of the friendships in your life before, for the most part.
00:21:09.519 --> 00:21:18.000
If you're in college, I tell them try to join a group or go to some kind of activity other than the parties, or maybe a study group.
00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:25.759
You don't have to find your people immediately, just create opportunities where you might meet them, you might make a connection.
00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:33.359
If you've moved, I think it was really helpful for me to look for ways to see the same people regularly.
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:45.759
Like I took the same route while I was walking, and I take a different route now, but I still see now the same people, and it's every day, and we've made it through summer together, which is a huge accomplishment here.
00:21:46.000 --> 00:21:59.440
We're getting ready for winter, and I know they're dogs, and I say hi to them, and it's just nice to have a routine, and I don't mind at all that it's the same walk every day because I always find something different to appreciate on it.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:13.920
If you're building a business for people who understand what you're doing, like a mentor, a peer group, somebody that you trust in the profession, that kind of contact can really help you feel less alone with the decisions you're making.
00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:22.000
And I know when I move school districts, which I have worked in four different school districts, it really helped me to have one person.
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:24.799
It was like a lifesaver that was a mentor.
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:27.039
Like I knew I could go to them.
00:22:27.759 --> 00:22:38.799
In a relationship, I think you need to make room for your communication and for being really honest about what you expect, what you need, and what you're learning from it.
00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:44.079
Belonging isn't always something that just happens to us.
00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:49.119
We do belong here and we do belong where we are, usually.
00:22:49.440 --> 00:22:52.480
Sometimes it just is not immediate.
00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:55.039
It's something that we might have to build.
00:22:55.920 --> 00:23:00.720
Number four, measure progress instead of demanding instant happiness.
00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:07.599
This one is my biggest struggle because I want it and I want it now, like maybe yesterday.
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:12.079
And my husband reminds me all the time, he's like, You need patience, you need patience.
00:23:12.160 --> 00:23:15.359
And he is very patient, and that's a gift.
00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:18.880
So I try to watch him and I think how would he handle this?
00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:22.480
Um, it's not innate in me, it's a practice for me.
00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:29.839
So one of my favorite suggestions is to just ask, you know, well, do I feel completely at home yet?
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:33.200
Am I confident in my new job yet?
00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:40.720
And I add the word yet to the end because I want to just not create pressure on myself.
00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:44.880
I want to relieve some of the pressure, and I know it's coming.
00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:52.319
So instead of staying in that place, I like to say, what's easier now than it was a month ago?
00:23:52.640 --> 00:23:56.640
What do I understand now that I didn't understand last year?
00:23:57.519 --> 00:23:59.359
Who have I connected with?
00:23:59.599 --> 00:24:02.720
And what am I learning about myself?
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:11.039
Progress doesn't always arrive like this dramatic feeling of happiness, an award that you win or something.
00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:25.039
It shows up a little bit more competence, maybe you're a little bit more familiar, maybe you don't use the navigator when you're going anywhere everywhere anymore, and maybe you don't need the navigator in your place of employment anymore.
00:24:25.200 --> 00:24:28.000
You know who to go to, you know who to talk to.
00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:35.920
And the fifth one is learning to distinguish discomfort from a genuine mismatch, because this one is especially important.
00:24:36.160 --> 00:24:44.720
I don't want anyone listening to conclude that because transitions are difficult, they should just go through whatever you're experiencing for a year.
00:24:44.960 --> 00:24:46.240
That is not my message.
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:52.720
I want to be really clear about that because sometimes it's not a sign that you're learning something's new.
00:24:52.799 --> 00:25:00.400
Sometimes it's a sign that you need more support or a different approach, and sometimes the situation itself is not right for us.
00:25:00.559 --> 00:25:02.799
So, how are you supposed to tell?
00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:06.079
You can tell by getting specific.
00:25:06.799 --> 00:25:11.839
So instead of just saying, I hate my new job, ask yourself what you actually dislike.
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:13.599
Is it the work itself?
00:25:13.839 --> 00:25:17.200
Is it the expectations or do you need training?
00:25:17.359 --> 00:25:18.559
Is it the culture there?
00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:19.599
Is it the hours?
00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:21.839
Is it that you don't have mentorship?
00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:30.319
If you're unhappy at college, is it the academic environment or the social experience or the distance from home or the living arrangements?
00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:31.680
Like what is it?
00:25:31.920 --> 00:25:37.200
If you've moved, do you realize now that you're there that you're not happy with the location?
00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:41.519
Or are you lonely because you haven't built your community yet?
00:25:42.160 --> 00:25:46.319
These are different problems and they require different responses.
00:25:46.720 --> 00:25:54.880
Like you might need to just develop a new skill, establish a boundary, maybe ask for help or change your schedule a little bit.
00:25:55.119 --> 00:26:01.599
You might also discover that a particular job or relationship or environment isn't a good fit.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:06.400
You're allowed to reassess your decisions.
00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:09.279
You're allowed to make changes.
00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:13.519
The goal is not to convince yourself that everything is right.
00:26:13.759 --> 00:26:18.400
The goal is to understand what's happening well enough to make a thoughtful decision.
00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:24.319
Discomfort is information, it's data, not a verdict.
00:26:24.559 --> 00:26:27.119
Listen to it, get quiet with yourself.
00:26:27.359 --> 00:26:29.119
God speaks in whispers.
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:35.359
Get curious about it, and then decide what it means in the context of your circumstances.
00:26:37.119 --> 00:26:43.519
I want to go back to the idea of the first year because I don't think there's anything magical about 12 months.
00:26:43.680 --> 00:26:50.720
Research doesn't say that every transition requires a year or that everybody's going to feel better if they waited out for a year.
00:26:50.960 --> 00:26:52.400
Some people adjust quickly.
00:26:52.559 --> 00:26:56.079
I don't think my husband was homesick for a day and when we moved here.
00:26:56.160 --> 00:26:57.039
I really don't.
00:26:57.279 --> 00:27:00.079
Others need more time or different kind of support.
00:27:00.319 --> 00:27:03.200
Some situations require a change of direction.
00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:04.799
So how do you know?
00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:13.359
The first year is kind of a way that we can think about a period that we're learning our environment or developing our new routine.
00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:23.519
And I think we sometimes underestimate how much learning is involved and we forget how uncomfortable it is when we are learning something new because it is.
00:27:23.599 --> 00:27:35.440
If you talk to students or children that are in school, or people in college, or people in new jobs, learning for me, I'm always learning something.
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:41.200
So I was trying to think of who you would talk to that's not learning, but learning is uncomfortable.
00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:47.279
There's like a zone when we don't know yet, and we know that we're going to know where it's hard and we don't get it.
00:27:47.440 --> 00:27:56.160
Also, the greatest brain growth happens at that point, but we're learning how to be ourselves in a different context, and that's hard.
00:27:56.640 --> 00:27:59.039
We're learning what works for us now.
00:27:59.440 --> 00:28:06.559
We're discovering which expectations were realistic about the change and which ones maybe we need to change.
00:28:06.880 --> 00:28:13.920
We're really finding out what we miss, what we value, what we want to keep, and what we want to do differently.
00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:20.079
And that process can teach us things that we could not have learned by planning the change.
00:28:20.400 --> 00:28:24.880
For me, moving to South Carolina was something we had wanted for years.
00:28:25.119 --> 00:28:32.079
The fact that it took time to feel like home once we got here did not erase the reasons that we came here.
00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:40.000
It reminded me that waiting for a change and adjusting to a change are two different experiences.
00:28:40.640 --> 00:28:49.519
And wanting the change and achieving it, and then actually adjusting and integrating it, are completely different emotions.
00:28:50.079 --> 00:28:55.200
And that distinction is really worth remembering when we step into something new.
00:28:55.440 --> 00:29:02.319
There's another side of change that my husband brought up, and I think he brought up a great point, and it's buyer's remorse.
00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:04.799
And we see it.
00:29:04.960 --> 00:29:09.200
I think you all know I'm laughing when I say it because I just returned something.
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:14.319
So you buy a shirt, you get home, suddenly you're not sure you like it anymore.
00:29:14.559 --> 00:29:20.960
Maybe you bought a car, and after the excitement wears off, you start wondering if you should have bought a different one.
00:29:21.200 --> 00:29:28.559
Maybe you finally make a huge decision, and instead of feeling relieved or excited, you start questioning yourself.
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:31.599
I don't know if you've ever done that, but I have.
00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:35.119
Sometimes I change my mind before I even leave the store.
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:47.039
But it's a yucky feeling when you've brought it home or you've made a big commitment or it was expensive and you're thinking, uh, I don't really know if I wanted this or if it was worth it.
00:29:47.279 --> 00:29:57.920
It's hard because at the time it feels right and you have thought about it and waited out usually, but then after the decision, your mind starts going to a different direction.
00:29:58.319 --> 00:30:00.799
Like, did I make the right choice?
00:30:01.119 --> 00:30:02.160
Should I have waited?
00:30:02.319 --> 00:30:03.839
What if I chose the other one?
00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:12.960
Maybe I should have researched more, and before you know it, you are second-guessing a decision that you were perfectly comfortable with and excited about a few hours later.
00:30:13.200 --> 00:30:18.000
I looked up what this is because I really don't like it when this happens to me.
00:30:18.240 --> 00:30:23.920
Psychologists study a related process called counterfactual thinking.
00:30:24.079 --> 00:30:28.480
That's when we mentally construct alternatives to what actually happened.
00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:32.559
We think about what might have happened if we made a different choice.
00:30:32.880 --> 00:30:37.839
Research shows that these thoughts can influence our emotions, including regret.
00:30:38.079 --> 00:30:40.160
So think about it for a moment.
00:30:40.400 --> 00:30:47.440
You've bought the car, your mind can keep comparing it to the car you chose with all the cars you didn't.
00:30:47.839 --> 00:30:50.319
You might find a better price somewhere else.
00:30:50.480 --> 00:30:55.440
You might see somebody driving a different model or a color that they just came out with.
00:30:55.680 --> 00:31:00.079
You might suddenly focus on one feature that your car doesn't have.
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:10.400
But here's the thing: if you're comparing the reality of the choice you made with an imagined version of the choice you didn't make, that just doesn't make sense.
00:31:10.640 --> 00:31:15.839
The imagined alternative can start looking really good because you aren't actually living with it.
00:31:16.000 --> 00:31:18.799
You don't know what problems the other car might have.
00:31:18.960 --> 00:31:21.440
You don't know whether you would have been happier with it.
00:31:21.599 --> 00:31:23.519
You only know what you're imagining.
00:31:23.599 --> 00:31:30.799
And the same thing can happen with a relationship, with a house, with a job, with college.
00:31:32.240 --> 00:31:42.880
We can become so focused on the possibility that we chose incorrectly that we actually lose sight of why we actually made the choice in the first place.
00:31:43.519 --> 00:31:53.519
Research on decision making also shows that under certain circumstances, having too many options makes it harder to feel confident and satisfied with your decision.
00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:56.480
It's decision fatigue.
00:31:56.880 --> 00:31:59.759
And this connects directly to what we're talking about.
00:31:59.920 --> 00:32:06.799
Sometimes we interpret the uncomfortable feeling that comes after a decision as evidence that the decision was wrong.
00:32:06.960 --> 00:32:08.880
Like I must have made a mistake.
00:32:09.039 --> 00:32:11.200
But those are two different things.
00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:16.079
Feeling regret doesn't automatically mean you made a bad decision.
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:20.559
Feeling uncertain doesn't mean you need to reverse your decision.
00:32:20.720 --> 00:32:25.839
And feeling uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean that you picked the wrong path.
00:32:26.079 --> 00:32:31.039
Sometimes you just need some time to settle into the choice you made.
00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:33.039
Sometimes regret's useful.
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:35.039
Maybe you overlook something important.
00:32:35.279 --> 00:32:38.400
Maybe the maybe what you bought really doesn't meet your needs.
00:32:38.559 --> 00:32:40.960
Maybe it's not what you need in your life.
00:32:41.119 --> 00:32:48.640
But I think the question I come back to is am I responding to something real that needs my attention?
00:32:48.880 --> 00:32:53.279
Or am I caught in the cycle of imagining that another choice would have been better?
00:32:53.440 --> 00:32:54.240
Like FOMO.
00:32:54.480 --> 00:32:56.480
Here's a practical way to approach this.
00:32:56.720 --> 00:33:01.359
When you find yourself second guessing, ask yourself these three questions.
00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:06.400
First, what did I know and what mattered to me when I made that decision?
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:13.680
Second, has something genuinely changed or am I just uncomfortable with the uncertainty?
00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:15.759
They're not the same thing.
00:33:16.559 --> 00:33:21.119
And then, is there something useful that I can do now?
00:33:21.519 --> 00:33:23.200
Should I return something?
00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:24.640
Should I change?
00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:26.720
Should I look at it a different way?
00:33:26.960 --> 00:33:31.039
Is there anything I can actively do to bring relief now?
00:33:32.799 --> 00:33:36.000
We don't have to make every single decision perfectly.
00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:37.359
We're not going to.
00:33:37.599 --> 00:33:48.319
We just need to make the best decision we can make with the information that's available to us at that time and stay open to learning and be willing to adjust when we have good reason.
00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:51.200
And that brings back to the bigger changes.
00:33:51.359 --> 00:33:54.559
That brings us back to the bigger changes in our lives.
00:34:05.920 --> 00:34:07.519
You wanted the change.
00:34:07.759 --> 00:34:09.280
You made the change.
00:34:09.440 --> 00:34:11.599
Now you're living with the reality of it.
00:34:11.679 --> 00:34:14.880
And maybe you're wondering if the alternative would have been better.
00:34:15.119 --> 00:34:24.000
But you can't judge an entire new chapter by the discomfort you experience while you're adjusting to it.
00:34:24.400 --> 00:34:26.559
And I'm going to say that again.
00:34:26.880 --> 00:34:38.639
You can't judge an entire new chapter solely by the amount of discomfort you're going to experience while you're adjusting.
00:34:39.199 --> 00:34:41.119
Give yourself permission.
00:34:41.599 --> 00:34:45.840
The goal isn't to convince yourself that every decision was right.
00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:52.559
It's to learn how to evaluate your decisions without automatically turning it into regret.
00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:55.679
You don't have to know everything yet.
00:34:55.840 --> 00:35:01.280
So if you're in the middle of a transition right now, I want to leave you with a few questions.
00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:03.599
Maybe you move somewhere new.
00:35:03.840 --> 00:35:07.440
Maybe you're away at school wondering whether you made the right decision.
00:35:07.599 --> 00:35:16.400
Maybe you're at a new job or changing careers or starting a business or taking on a leadership role that asks a little bit more than you expected.
00:35:16.639 --> 00:35:18.960
Maybe you entered a new relationship.
00:35:19.119 --> 00:35:23.599
Ask yourself, what did I hope this change would give me?
00:35:25.679 --> 00:35:28.559
What am I learning that I didn't anticipate?
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:36.320
What am I missing and what does this tell me about what matters to me?
00:35:38.880 --> 00:35:41.920
What's working even if it isn't perfect?
00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:48.480
What needs more time, more support, or a different approach?
00:35:49.039 --> 00:35:51.440
And finally, my big one.
00:35:51.679 --> 00:36:00.239
Am I responding to a temporary challenge or adjustment, or am I seeing evidence that something genuinely needs to change?
00:36:01.920 --> 00:36:04.400
You can always give yourself room to learn.
00:36:04.559 --> 00:36:11.119
You can always acknowledge the hard parts without just discounting the good ones, and you can ask for support.
00:36:11.679 --> 00:36:17.199
You can change the direction if you discover that the path you chose just isn't right for you.
00:36:17.360 --> 00:36:29.280
Because sometimes the point is to make those decisions with awareness rather than allowing one difficult moment to tell your whole story.
00:36:29.599 --> 00:36:35.360
The life we worked so hard to create might need time to feel familiar.
00:36:35.840 --> 00:36:51.199
And sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is stop asking ourselves why we're not happier yet and start asking what would help me feel more connected, more capable, and more at home in the life we're creating.
00:36:51.519 --> 00:36:58.800
If this episode in any way, shape, or form applies to anyone you know, please download and share with them.
00:36:58.960 --> 00:37:03.679
And if you're enjoying this, please follow the podcast so you don't miss future episodes.
00:37:03.920 --> 00:37:05.280
Thank you so much.
00:37:05.519 --> 00:37:08.400
I really mean this for spending the time with me.
00:37:08.559 --> 00:37:09.760
I appreciate you.
00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:15.519
Until next time, remember you don't have to have everything figured out to take the next step.
00:37:15.760 --> 00:37:23.599
You can flow, evolve, and transform one experience, one insight, one choice at a time.
00:37:23.760 --> 00:37:30.800
And if you're in the middle of a new beginning that feels harder than you expected, the question isn't always did I make a mistake.
00:37:30.960 --> 00:37:39.039
The better question is what do I need to learn, understand, or change to make this next chapter my own?
00:37:39.199 --> 00:37:40.320
Pick up your pen.
00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:43.039
Thank you for listening to Just Count Me In.
00:37:43.119 --> 00:37:44.400
I'll see you next week.