#85: When Tragedy Strikes, How One 5 Year Old Girl's Life Sparked The Power of Connection

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Welcome, welcome back.
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If you're joining me again, to just count me in.
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And if you're joining us for the first time, I'm Sari, I'm your host, and welcome to our community.
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I've in all honesty, this was a tough episode because of the recent news in our community.
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So I'm gonna begin today's episode a little bit differently.
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Something happened where I live this past weekend that really, really shook me up.
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A little five-year-old girl went missing, and for hours, over 20 hours actually, people searched.
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We searched, law enforcement searched, neighbors searched, people came from communities near ours because we're in a pretty small community here.
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There were helicopters, there were divers because we have a lot of water surrounding us, and there were just for 20 hours, literally, there were people searching through woods and water, and my husband and I were out there too.
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It's a very rural area, so it was dark.
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There was just a lot of emotion, and eventually she was found.
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I'm not gonna make this episode about the details of what happened because as I sat with it afterward, I really realized something.
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We have enormous power to create the kind of world that we want to live in.
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And I noticed something absolutely beautiful happened with people showing up for each other, with people in our neighborhood, with people outside of our neighborhood, and this little girl, this family was vacationing here, they don't even live here, nobody even cared.
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It was just a child that went missing.
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Well, I don't want to spend my energy focusing on what we're afraid of, which I spent some time on, but I don't want this podcast to be about that.
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I don't want to organize my energy that way.
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What I do want to do is direct my energy towards the beautiful progression of what I saw happen in our community.
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I want to talk about what happens when human beings show up for each other because that's what I saw.
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I saw people showing up, I saw cars lining the roads, so that had that told me there were a lot of people that didn't even live in our area.
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I saw people giving their time, people giving their energy, people coming in from outside.
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Somebody even left like cases of water down near the landing where the police were set up.
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It was just so amazing.
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So I don't want to make this episode about fear or crisis or everything that's wrong with the world.
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I want to make it about what we are creating because I think there is something incredibly important about where we put our attention, and if we constantly focus on what we're afraid of, our energy gets kind of organized around that fear.
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So what if we want to ask a different question?
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What do we want to create?
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Like, what if September wasn't just about bringing awareness to what can go wrong?
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And I know it's a month we talk about mental health, and we've been talking about that and suicide prevention, but I honestly something was really bothering me because I feel like we need to be focused on the possibilities and the solutions to these problems.
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So, what if we call it a month of awakening to your worth and well-being?
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A month of remembering that I matter, that you matter, that we matter.
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Would not the outcome be that there might be less suicides?
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Would the outcome maybe be the same if we kept our focus in a different way?
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I don't know.
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Let's try it.
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So we know how much relationships matter and mental and emotional well-being matters.
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It matters if we're joyful.
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And I think we're here to live.
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We're here to connect, we're here to grow, we're here to love and laugh.
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And I think the lighter that we can be about all this, the better it is.
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We're here basically to know ourselves and then to make this human experience a little bit better for all the people we encounter.
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And that's what I want to talk about today.
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So I've been thinking a lot about the difference between managing problems and creating possibilities.
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And I coach people that have businesses, and I also coach young adults and children.
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So we realize we've got to respond to problems.
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Yes, we've got to be responsible, absolutely.
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And yeah, there are moments when crisis management is necessary, but if all of our attention is directed towards just preventing the next bad thing from happening, we can end up building lives around fear.
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And I can remember when I lived with my life around fear, right?
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There was a kidnapping in a store of a little boy named the same name that my son has, Adam, and he was taken from a store and never found again.
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And I can remember being the most panicked mom in the world during that time and so scared, even when I shop with my grandchildren, so scared that something like that was going to happen.
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And I I didn't mean to raise my kids that way.
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I really think that if I had just been focused on awareness and connection and kept them in touch, I wouldn't have to worry about that so much.
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I can ask, like, what was I creating?
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Was I creating resilience?
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Was I creating awareness?
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Was I creating trust in your life?
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Are you creating real relationships and workplaces where people can be human?
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Houses where kids know that they really, really matter?
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Are we living in communities and being a part of a community like I am where people actually show up for each other and creating lives that contain actual joy?
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Because prevention is important, but creation is powerful.
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And I think we need both.
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We need to be aware of what can hurt us.
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Yeah, I wear a seatbelt, but we also need to become deeply aware of what makes us thrive inside.
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So I'm gonna keep coming back to that very simple idea.
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The person in front of you.
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There's something I say to the kids that I work with, and I say it to my coaching clients too, and sometimes just out of the blue, it just dawns on me, and I look at them and I ask them, who do you think the most important person in the world is to me right now?
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And usually they'll say, you know, your kids or your husband or your grandkids or yourself, and honestly, I look them in the eye and I tell them, hey, right now, you are the most important person in the world to me.
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Because they are, they honestly are.
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Now, granted, in general, absolutely, my husband, my family, I get that, but at that moment, no one else is there.
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At that moment, it's just me and the client, and they love it because they know I mean it.
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I'm not just saying it.
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If you are sitting across from me, talking to me, listening, sharing, for those minutes, you have my attention.
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And right now, I can honestly tell you that wherever you are, you, you who are listening, are at this moment the most important person to me.
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I'm not thinking about my next client.
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I'm not looking at my phone, I swear.
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I'm not worrying about tomorrow or thinking about going to the beach later today.
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I'm just not.
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I am thinking about what I'm saying to you.
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Not necessarily a lifelong relationship.
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I might not ever meet or hear from some of you.
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Not some huge gesture, just presence.
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I want to also make that really clear because connection doesn't have to become a relationship.
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Some of the most meaningful interactions we have may last a split second.
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Sometimes I see people when I'm walking and we don't say anything, we just look at each other.
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Maybe we smile, maybe we don't.
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Maybe one of us is having a bit of a hard time that day, but we nod, we look at each other, we acknowledge, hey, you're human, I'm human, we're both here.
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And then we keep walking.
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That's it.
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We might not become friends, we might not give each other our phone numbers or see each other again, but for that moment, you know what?
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There was connection.
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And I think we've made that connection so much more complicated than it has to be.
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Oh my gosh.
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Sometimes it can just be a connection like a conversation, sometimes it can just be a smile or holding a door for somebody or saying good morning.
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Sometimes it's just making eye contact with somebody I'm sitting with and I see them in the water at the beach.
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And I don't know what that moment brings to the other person.
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Maybe nothing, maybe something.
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It's okay.
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Maybe they forget it five minutes later.
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It's okay.
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Or maybe they're having a hard day, and that teeny tiny moment reminds them that somebody saw them.
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We don't get to know, and we don't have to know because we or I am not trying to save everybody.
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I am also not capable or trying to create lifelong relationships with everybody.
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I'm just practicing being human with the humans around us because presence is a form of love.
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And this is where I think the greatest power is.
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The most powerful person in the room, and I've said it many times, is the most present one with the strongest energy.
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Presence says, hey, you matter enough for me to be here.
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So think about what that means to a little kid.
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Maybe the greatest gift we can give our kids is not this perfect life that we've all tried.
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Maybe it's just the experience of being genuinely seen.
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Think about what that means to a partner or a friend or an employee or a parent or the person at Seven Brews serving you coffee or the person checking you out at the food store.
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It's a form of love and it's a form of attention.
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And I don't mean romantic love, I mean human love.
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The simple recognition is that you are another human being and you are sharing this moment with me.
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Now I know I talk about energy a lot, and here's where the brain comes in.
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Because our brains are also wired for connection.
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We are social beings.
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Our nervous systems are always taking information, always scanning from other people.
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It's very hard to turn that off.
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I actually don't even know if it's possible to turn that off.
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90% of our communication is nonverbal.
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So you're noticing, whether you realize it or not, facial expressions, tone, eye contact, body language.
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You're noticing whether you feel safe or not.
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And our brains are always asking, am I safe?
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Do I belong?
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Am I accepted?
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Does somebody have my back?
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And meaningful social connection is and always has been associated with psychological and physiological processes involving strength, making us more resilient, making us healthy, giving our lives more meaning and having a sense of well-being.
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So when I'm telling you, be present with that person in front of you.
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I'm not just talking about a nice idea.
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I'm talking about something real, something deeply human.
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And I shouldn't even say deeply human because you know who does it all the time?
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Who's really the best at doing it?
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Dogs.
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A dog sees you, you make eye contact, as long as it's a friendly dog, they're right over there to say hi quickly.
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I mean, they might stop for a little belly rub or something, but they're not married to you for the rest of your life.
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And then they move on, and they're just making a connection.
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So I feel like when we say it's being deeply human, I'm gonna just change that.
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It's just being real.
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And I think dogs give us a good example of this.
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Being seen matters, and belonging really matters, and seeing somebody else is so important.
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We don't just receive connections, we create them.
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So this brings me back to the kids that I'm working with because we spend so much time, and I do as a parent too, trying to give things.
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It's really important that we give them the best opportunities in education, that they have the activities they want to do, the opportunities, they play the sports, they they get the lessons if they show an interest.
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These things are wonderful and they're important, but the most important thing, and I am gonna go out on a limb when I say this, is the experience of being fully seen.
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I have worked with kids over the past 20-30 years that had all these great advantages, and they weren't really being seen.
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And I don't mean seen because they got an A or they scored the winning goal or because they had perfect behavior or chewed with their mouth closed.
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I'm saying when I tell them right now, you're the most important person in the world to me, what I'm telling them is you don't have to perform for my attention.
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You don't have to do a thing to deserve my time or be impressive no matter what, because you are you.
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And that's actually connected to the conversation that we had about raising impressive children a few episodes back.
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Because what are we actually trying to raise?
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Children who look impressive, human beings know their worth.
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We want to raise human beings who know their worth.
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I want kids who can say, I can ask for help, I can tell the truth even when it's hard, I can make a mistake, I can say, I don't know, I can have difficult feelings, I can be myself, I can trust, I matter.
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And you know what?
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I think it would be nice if we had a world of adults who did that too.
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Because when we as children or adults experience being genuinely seen, we learn something incredibly important.
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We learn how to see other people.
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Presence teaches presence, connection teaches more connection, and being heard teaches us how to listen.
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Being valued shows us how to value.
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It's like a huge, huge ripple effect.
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There's also a business advantage to living this way.
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And let's picture two leaders.
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One walks into a meeting, everybody's talking, the leader's looking at their phone, checking the email, glancing at the clock, thinking about the next meeting.
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Technically they're present, but nobody feels seen.
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And imagine another leader walking into the same meeting saying, Okay, hey, what's happening?
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And they see, they listen, they ask questions, they make eye contact, their phone's not even on them, possibly not even in the room, and they notice.
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They notice who's quiet in the meeting, they notice who's excited, they notice when somebody has something to say but isn't saying it.
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They are totally present.
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That's presence, and that presence builds trust.
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Because trust is not created by saying it's our core values to value other people.
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Trust is created through a lot of little interactions.
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Every time I listen, every time I tell you the truth, every time I admit, ooh, I don't know, or when I do what I said I would do, every time I notice you and give you my attention, every time I give you permission to be human, that's good leadership, and that's good business.
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The same thing happens with clients.
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Information is all over the place now.
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Oh my gosh, so much information.
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People can Google, they can watch YouTube, they can take online courses if they want, they can ask AI, and I'm not disrespecting any of this, but information is not the only thing people are looking for.
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We've confused this.
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People are still looking for connection, they don't just want another transaction, they want to feel something, they want to feel presence.
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You can automate information and very good at doing that, and I definitely use that a lot.
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What you can't automate is my genuine presence.
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I could probably even pick a voice that sounded better than this one.
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Sorry, and I'm not gonna do that, but what I couldn't do is figure out a way to be totally present with you.
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There's not a bot on the world that can do that.
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It can only tell you things I have said in the past and predict based on my past behavior what I might say now, and my presence is out the window.
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So as technology becomes more important to me, becoming deeply human becomes more and more valuable, not less.
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And that brings me back to the phone again.
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I do not think that phones are evil.
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I have one, I'm talking on one right now, recording this.
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Technology is not evil, social media is not evil, AI isn't evil, they're just tools.
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Are we using the tools or are the tools using us?
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Because the rate of depression and suicide has gone up dramatically among teens and younger people, and there's likely a high correlation here, although I'm not 100% sure.
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Every time you're with another person, you have a choice.
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You can look at them, you can try to multitask, which we know you can't even do, you can try to switch task, or you can be present, you can think about the next thing, or you can experience this thing.
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And sometimes the phone might need your attention, but sometimes the person in front of you needs you more.
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And sometimes you need you more.
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If we're gonna create this world we're talking about, we've got to talk about authenticity because you can't create genuine connection while you're constantly performing.
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You just can't.
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You're doing a dance.
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You can't build trust if you're pretending.
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You can't teach kids to be themselves while telling them directly or indirectly that their worth depends on their achievement.
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And you can't create a life you love if you're constantly trying to become a person you think everyone else wants you to be.
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This actually connects to our conversation about just staying yourself because yourself isn't always comfortable.
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Authenticity requires a lot of courage because sometimes it means saying, Hey, this is who I am.
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I don't know.
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I need help.
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I made a mistake.
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My gosh, this is not working for me.
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It's not about just being honest with the hard things, it's also allowing yourself to experience the good things, and joy really, really matters because I do not want to make this episode about surviving.
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I believe that we're here to thrive.
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We talk so much about resilience, and I do too, and the ability to withstand difficulty because life happens, things happen, and we're in those situations where we are resistant to them, and then that is difficult.
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I think that resilience is also the capacity to come back to life.
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And this past week I watched slowly, slowly, the life coming back into my neighbors and into the people in our community.
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And it's not the same as it was before this incident happened, but slowly, like the next couple days, I noticed it was getting a little bit easier to laugh once in a while, or to just look around and smile in the morning when you're out walking, or to dance, or to notice butterflies, or just to have a conversation with somebody without what happened last weekend coming into it.
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Joy comes back.
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Joy is not frivolous, it's actually a big part of your well being.
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And I don't want to spend all the time talking about creating lives where we're managing stress effectively enough to get through another day.
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That is just not me.
00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:58.400
I am gonna be a stickler about this because I believe that we're here to create lives that we actually want to be present for.
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:09.519
Asking for help is also a part of it, and we know that we can't put our value in numbers, but more so I want to ask you something.
00:22:09.839 --> 00:22:11.920
Not what are you afraid of?
00:22:12.160 --> 00:22:19.119
Not what's wrong, not what could go badly, but what do you want to create?
00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:24.160
What kind of relationships do you want with your children?
00:22:24.400 --> 00:22:26.480
What kind of partnerships do you want?
00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:28.240
What kind of friendships?
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:30.880
What type of workplace do you want to go to?
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:33.279
Or what kind of business are you creating?
00:22:33.440 --> 00:22:36.240
What kind of community do you want to live in?
00:22:36.480 --> 00:22:37.680
What kind of life?
00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:40.240
What kind of relationship with yourself?
00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:51.519
And one thing that I'd like to really stress is that you can just think about one little thing that I can do today to move in that direction.
00:22:51.839 --> 00:22:56.400
Because we don't create our lives in one giant decision.
00:22:56.720 --> 00:23:11.599
We create them through many tiny decisions leading in that direction, moment by moment, conversation by conversation, interaction by interaction, choice by choice.
00:23:11.920 --> 00:23:15.680
So here's my challenge, and I made it up, so here you go.
00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:18.400
The person in front of you challenge.
00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:23.200
For seven days, and please let me know if you do this.
00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:24.559
I'm gonna do it myself.
00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:32.480
For seven days when you're with another person, for five minutes, put your phone away.
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:39.359
Make sure you make eye contact, listen, don't plan your response while they're talking.
00:23:39.519 --> 00:23:44.400
Oh my gosh, so guilty of this, really aware that I'm not doing it.
00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:47.440
More and more, more and more, getting better at it.
00:23:47.759 --> 00:23:51.119
Don't multitask or try to switch tasks.
00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:53.200
Don't rush them.
00:23:53.519 --> 00:24:10.000
Be there and ask yourself, what would change if I treated this person like at this moment they are most the most important person in the world for the next five minutes?
00:24:10.319 --> 00:24:11.200
Try it.
00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:17.680
Just try it with anybody, with somebody you live with, with somebody at the grocery store.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:19.440
Just try it.
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:25.200
This is a month that I'm gonna call a month of awakening.
00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:28.240
And maybe that's what I want September to be.
00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:33.039
Not a month where I'm obsessed with everything that could go wrong.
00:24:33.359 --> 00:24:39.519
More of a month of awakening to your worth and your well-being.
00:24:39.680 --> 00:24:40.640
How about that?
00:24:40.880 --> 00:24:42.319
Let's try that.
00:24:42.799 --> 00:24:46.960
Because awareness isn't meant to make us afraid.
00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:50.480
Awareness is meant to give us choice.
00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:54.799
And once we see something, we can choose differently.
00:24:54.960 --> 00:25:07.119
We can wake up, we can pay attention, we can become more intentional about how we live and how we love and how we connect.
00:25:07.519 --> 00:25:15.519
So as I think back to this past weekend, I don't want the thing I remember most to be the panic and the fear.
00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:18.720
I want to remember all those cars lined up.
00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:27.039
I want to remember all the people walking up and down the roads and the woods and the people searching for the water through the water.
00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:39.039
I want to remember what happens when human beings decide that another human being, even if they've never met them before, just matters.
00:25:39.440 --> 00:25:46.000
And I want to carry that forward because I am so grateful to live in a place that walks that talk.
00:25:46.319 --> 00:25:50.079
And it's not like that only because there was a crisis.
00:25:50.240 --> 00:25:53.119
It is literally like that here every day.
00:25:53.359 --> 00:25:58.160
Because we get to decide what kind of energy we are bringing into the world.
00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:05.039
We get to decide whether we're distracted or present, whether we're performing or just being ourselves.
00:26:05.279 --> 00:26:09.759
We get to decide if we're making a judgment or being curious.
00:26:10.079 --> 00:26:16.640
We decide whether we're rushing or we're listening, whether we're building walls or building trust.
00:26:16.960 --> 00:26:23.440
We get to decide whether we're just existing beside other people or experiencing life with them.
00:26:23.599 --> 00:26:26.480
And maybe that's where meaning comes from.
00:26:26.640 --> 00:26:35.440
Not from having the perfect life, but from being fully a hundred percent alive inside the life we're living.
00:26:36.559 --> 00:26:39.440
Another human being matters.
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:48.880
I want to remember that, and I want to carry that forward, not just when there's a crisis, but every day, every single day.
00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:55.359
So this September, I'm inviting you to wake up.
00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:05.759
Wake up to your worth, wake up to your well-being, wake up to the people around you and the life that's happening right now.
00:27:06.240 --> 00:27:13.039
And when you're ready to create that world with me, we'll do it together.
00:27:13.359 --> 00:27:15.680
Because I've got a dream.
00:27:16.160 --> 00:27:21.119
I believe I know the way life can be on this planet.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:31.839
I can see a time where people can live together with all our differences, that still gives us a lot of strength.
00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:42.640
We find our true strengths as we come together and we all create, and this is a world of unlimited possibilities.
00:27:43.440 --> 00:27:47.519
This dream is also dreamed by other people, I am sure.
00:27:47.759 --> 00:27:52.000
And I'm sure some of you are dreaming it too, and it's lived by many.
00:27:52.160 --> 00:28:03.440
And if we all live in this alignment between ourselves and our dreams, we together can create a better world.
00:28:04.480 --> 00:28:08.000
And when you're ready to do that, just count me in.
00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:11.839
And until you're ready to do that, I'll walk beside you.
00:28:12.079 --> 00:28:13.599
Have a wonderful week.
00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:16.799
Thank you so much for giving us this time.