00:00:06Trusting Yourself Through Self-Discovery
00:07:46Listening to Your Inner Voice
00:16:13The Decision Tree
00:24:14Navigating People-Pleasing and Self-Trust
00:37:51Setting and Achieving Goals With Lizzie
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Send us a text at Tranquil Topics
What if you discovered that your path to happiness lay halfway across the globe, steered by an inner voice you never fully understood? Lizzie Moult, a Holistic Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and spiritual mentor shares her transformative journey from the Australian wilderness to the enchanting Scottish Highlands. Her story is one of intuitive living, shaped by cognitive behavioral therapy and positive psychology, that led her to trust her instincts and chase a vision of snow-capped peaks and serene lochs.
Immerse yourself in the art of listening to your inner voice as Lizzie unpacks the emotional literacy needed to discern life’s true desires. Learn how to navigate the human experience by embracing larger emotions, distinguishing between joy and sorrow, and acknowledging the whispers of intuition that beckon change. Through heartwarming anecdotes, Lizzie illustrates how overcoming imposter syndrome and the fear of judgment can lead to a life that is not only fulfilling but true to oneself.
Finally, discover the empowering practice of mindful decision-making with Lizzie's "Decision Tree" process and how setting achievable goals can transform aspirations into reality. Prioritising self-belief over people-pleasing, Lizzie encourages us to embrace our uniqueness and concentrate energy on what truly matters. Join us for an episode brimming with practical tips and inspiring stories that challenge you to trust in your instincts and pursue an authentic life.
If you wish to speak with or work with Lizzie, please contact her using the details below:
https://lizziemoult.com/
https://www.instagram.com/lizzie_moult/
https://www.facebook.com/lizziegmoult
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English
SHOW NOTES 🔗
TRANSCRIPT 🔗
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Hello, welcome back to Tranquil Topics.
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I'm your host, Steph, and joining me today from the Scottish Highlands is Lizzie Moult, an adventurous Aussie country gal who is here to teach us how to stop taking on other people's stuff so we can learn to trust ourselves and our vision while still feeling confident enough to create it.
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Lizzie has a down-to-earth way of bringing your essence to the forefront, weaving cognitive behavioral therapy, positive psychology and life experience together to take you from a wannabe rule breaker to full-time rebel, without the excuses or the need for approval.
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So welcome to the podcast, Lizzie.
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Hi, thanks so much for having me.
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I'm so excited for our conversation.
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Thank you so much for being here, so can we start off, please, with you telling us a little bit about yourself and what led you to where you are now?
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So obviously, instantly, my accent doesn't match the Scottish Highlands whatsoever.
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So I'm originally from Australia and it must have been, I think it's four years now that there was a January and I was just like I am so unhappy.
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I need something to change and I wanted more from life.
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I'd been doing a lot of work on myself.
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I'd been diagnosed as a high-functioning autistic, so my brain is like a next level problem solver.
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But I couldn't marry like my quirkiness with who I was and all this stuff and I did like several years of like unpacking all that but at the end of the day, like even though I'd worked it all out and it all made sense, I was like there's something that I needed, so I took myself off to a little event, which, funnily enough, I'm actually recreating here in the Scottish Highlands late January and I wrote out this one line Okay, so what do I want?
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Peaks with water at the bottom, and feel that expansion of self, expansion of heart as I looked out the window because I lived in the most beautiful place.
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I lived in a rainforest, completely off grid.
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My water came out of a mountain.
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Our electricity was solar.
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It was insane.
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You couldn't write it.
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We lived in a fantastic place but it didn't do anything for my heart and I knew that I had to, that we needed to do something, and so when I wrote down that that's what I wanted, I was kind of like no way, like why would I give up this what seems amazing life for something that's completely polar opposite to what was real right?
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So, lo and behold, the next week my husband started looking for jobs abroad instead of like locally, because that was kind of already on the cards.
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You know, new year, you want to start something new.
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And yeah, Fort William.
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And I was like no way, we're, we're so moving.
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And he's like I haven't even applied for the job yet.
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It's like that's fine, we need to start organising visas, we're going.
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He's like what do you mean?
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I'm like I just know I can feel it.
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At this point he's obviously thinking that I'm some sort of crazy lady.
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But he decided to go with it, which was great, and we ended up moving our family within four months from me having that crazy little idea to him getting a job, relocating from Australia to Scotland.
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So prior to that, I'd actually studied cognitive behavioral therapy and positive psychology.
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Because prior to doing this work, I was running events for women and trying to like help them and empower them and I was speaking at my own event.
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I'd actually left myself off the timetable because I'd put everyone else in front of mine like who you know, like they're more important, they need a time slot.
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And so when I looked at the thing and I was like, oh my god, I've given myself 10 minutes to talk at a two-day event that I'm organising to demonstrate that I'm a speaker and I've got stuff to share and like all this stuff like stories, I was like, oh my god, like I'm a total people pleaser.
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So, along with the diagnosis of being high functioning autistic, I was a people pleaser.
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I was completely like an approval seeker.
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I was like I wanted everyone to validate who I was.
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So to go from that to going you know what I'm going to trust this crazy idea that snow-capped peaks and water was going to like fulfill me.
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Turns out it does.
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Living here in the Scottish Highlands right now, I'm looking out on a loch with snow-capped peaks and if you could see my grin right now, you would understand how much this makes me happy.
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And it's just the smallest little change, but it took great lengths to be able to do it.
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So that's how I ended up in the Scottish Highlands with a cognitive behavioral therapy practice, working both here in person and online and doing lots of little local events.
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Okay, I have so many questions just for everything you said there.
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So, first off, four months, that is a short amount of time to move across the world.
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Know that during COVID we had to apply to leave the country.
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Wow.
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We had to get police checks to be able to board our plane.
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No way, no way to me like the confidence it takes to be able to trust your instinct, especially in that situation where you're leaving everything you know and moving and not knowing.
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You know what I mean.
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Obviously, your gut instinct was on it and you followed it, and your husband was on board, which is amazing and it's all worked out amazing.
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But let's, let's go into this.
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So, first off, can we touch on what is cognitive behavioral therapy?
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So first of all, I have to admit I'm a bit of a holistic approach to cognitive behavioral therapy.
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It is about helping people reframe things and look at their thoughts.
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However, I do a lot to do with the body as well.
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I was so out of my body it wasn't funny and I tried to work out all the thoughts and the thinking.
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So my brain and the way it works, like that was one component.
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But when I married it with the body and the emotions, it actually began to make sense, like we need to work with both body and mind to create harmony.
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One isn't better than the other.
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It's about harmony, balance, yin and yang.
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It's just constantly like there's this magical relationship that happens and we have to have like both elements in tune so we can listen.
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So the work that I do is I help majority of people actually get out of their heads back into their bodies, which is what I needed, like to be able to trust myself, because I could actually understand my own body language, because our body holds wisdom, but in this day and age, we're in our heads all the time.
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So working with the mind is fantastic, but when we marry both of them, that's where the magic happens.
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So, yes, if we're all stuck in our heads, getting back into our bodies gives us the opportunity to actually lean into self-trust, because there's no way for a lot of people.
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The idea of moving your family halfway across the world now get this.
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We also had nowhere to live once we got here.
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All we had was a job, a school for our kids to go to right.
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Yeah, like I'm not even in the situation and it makes me go
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Whereas, you know, I had a gut feeling that somewhere like this was what I needed.
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And we got here and I remember, like the first day we arrived was like oh my goodness, every Wednesday I'm out and about in the highlands here and I'm like I love this place.
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It's so good.
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My heart expands to know that and that's the thing to know that, and that's the thing like.
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So the way in which I help people is to understand these feelings that come up and the diversity of our feelings, what they actually mean.
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So, yes, we can reframe stuff and learn to get our minds where it needs to be, but if you actually go within, magic.
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Can I ask your opinion on some people in my life will say I don't have a gut instinct.
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Whereas I do, um, I've learned to trust mine and I've learned that when I ignore it, I end up regretting that.
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How do people who say that they don't have one, how do they connect with that?
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I would ask them have you ever like, known something and then five minutes later gone?
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Oh, I knew that.
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I can guarantee that they have known stuff in the past but don't recognize it as a gut instinct or intuition or, yeah, um, any of that sort of stuff.
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Intuition is a feeling, so I'm not even know how to explain this for everybody, so I call it emotional literacy.
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Each emotion speaks to us through our bodies in its own unique way, now some of the things we are all familiar with.
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So, for example, when we're sad what often happens we might cry, we might shed a tear.
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Those are ones we all kind of know.
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But beneath, like the physical and that's the thing with the body there's physical, emotional, but there's also vibrational.
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So often intuition is like a vibration, but where's it showing up in your body?
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So when you get sadness and you feel the physical tear or you feel a bit of that and maybe your heart's a bit like oh, but sometimes even in your stomach you're like it's so big that feeling.
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There's a vibration to it as well, and I think for a lot of people we don't want to experience the wholeness of an emotion.
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So once you can get comfortable with some of these bigger emotions, like listening to your intuition actually becomes easier, because you can differentiate what like happiness is to like a bit of sadness or what worry is, or um, oh, that was like I just had this pull, like what was that about?
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But usually those pulls like that snow-capped peaks for me is like I wanted to feel expanded.
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I was living somewhere.
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Yes, it was probably somebody else's dream, but it made me feel really small and squashed.
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So that is actually a desire, so that's a feeling.
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So it wasn't necessarily intuition, right, it was actually my truth.
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Yeah, does it build, and build if you ignore it?
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I'd call that resentment.
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If you don't listen, why has that person got that?
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And I don't if you don't listen, right, but when you start talking about things, and this is the thing so as a former someone who would ask 500 people now I'm exaggerating quite a lot there, obviously, so probably five people if my ideas were valid.
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If you know, this thing that I was thinking about was real, even though it was based on a desire that I knew that I wanted.
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I would then go and ask people do you think that that's okay?
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You know, and that is where I second guessed my own truth and that's where I think for a lot of us, we're like oh, I've got this idea.
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The only person I told at first about my idea about these snow-capped peaks was my husband.
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Why?
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Because he's my partner in crime.
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He's either going to be on board or he's not.
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I don't know what would happen if it, if he had said no way, we're not going.
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But luckily I married the right guy and I knew that he was always up for an adventure.
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But that's the thing.
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Like, I don't know how I like.
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What would have happened if, like I wouldn't have had that to be able to follow that opportunity, that feeling, because I wanted it?
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I knew that I needed it because it was lacking from my life, and that comes from understanding my own needs and how my body's communicating.
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Yeah, I can relate to that feeling of it's almost like being trapped inside yourself.
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So, like when I started this podcast, it was in August, and it was my partner who said to me, like why don't you start one?
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Because you listen to them, and I was like I'm not sure about how that makes me feel.
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And then he left that and then it was stuck in my mind then just at the back, like there's a new thought and I thought you know what?
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I'm just gonna do it and just see what happens and the expansion I felt in myself from actually doing it, regardless of, like all those imposter syndrome thoughts.
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And I'm sure we'll get around talking about that.
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But if I hadn't have done that, I would have felt it would just been a road of unhappiness because you're not actually acknowledging, like you said, what your body is telling you to do.
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It wasn't a mind thing, it was like a, like a chest.
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I don't know how to explain.
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Yeah, here, yeah, and that's the thing, because your mind wants you to stop it, because it's not like, if you don't acknowledge all the emotions and also the sensations, you don't understand them clearly.
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So, if you can get so once again, emotional literacy, if you can go, okay, when I'm sad, this is what happens within me and like decipher it.
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So, yes, tears is a sign, but for me I close off, like I am like just leave me alone.
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Like I want a few days to be gross.
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I'm like I'm okay watching Netflix for a few days and you guys just eating pizza.
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Like I'm going, I'm okay watching Netflix for a few days and you guys just eating pizza.
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Like I'm gonna make peace with that.
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Because I need that time for my own heart and my own soul to like go through that emotion and give myself the space to do that.
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But then you know, like, if we can acknowledge each of our emotions and be gentle with them, yeah, that like so much information is available.
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We just have to listen to what our body is saying to us, learn the signals, like with all my anxiety clients that I have, like the first thing I say to them.
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It's like how do you know when you're about to have an anxiety attack?
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And they talked me through their little like symbols and then I'm like great, so you know when it's happening.
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And they're like oh yeah, I do.
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Actually.
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I'm like great, so now we know how to like prepare for that or how to manage that or how to look into that, so when it starts, you can like ease some of those things off, as opposed to like going on in down the rabbit hole blind as, like it's just happening to me.
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Yeah, no, no, you're in control, yeah.
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So I know you do public speaking events, amongst a lot of other things, and I met you for the first time in November at Mind Body Spirit spirit festival in Birmingham where I attended your talk there, and I was so excited I was I was coming down the the middle of the hall and I was like she's there, I can see her.
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So I was like number one fan um.
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But your talk was all about learning, about how to trust your gut, how to read your body signals, to decipher your intuition, and you managed to explain something in your talk that I'd never actually thought about before or heard before, which has changed my life from that moment on and I can't emphasise that enough, would you be able to talk the listeners through the decision tree process, to be able to go through it by yourself without actually needing to ask somebody else what do you think?
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Exactly because that's the whole reason why this thing exists and, by the way, I love the fact you call it a decision tree.
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Um, I'm like this is how we ask a question.
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You know it's a decision tree.
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It sounds more noble.
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I love it.
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Okay.
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So, um, I use this process to make decisions.
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So, going back to that moment where I was like, oh my god, snow-capped peaks.
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Should I do it, should I not do it?
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I clearly knew the answer.
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Here's how I knew that answer.
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So when we start um with anything, there's always a question, right.
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So instead of instead of going, hey, my friend, like I need to know about blah, blah, blah, hey, this person, what is the question that you're really asking?
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You need to get to the very basic question.
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So mine was do I move my family pretty much right, like to the other side of the world?
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Potentially, I didn't know all the details, but like, here it is do I need snow-capped peaks and mountains?
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Yes or no?
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Two clear answers.
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So what I want you to do if you're struggling with something right now maybe it's a big decision, maybe it's what dress to wear, like it can be that simple.
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What is the question you are asking?
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Write it down on your piece of paper, no emotion attached to it whatsoever, as well, please, just the facts.
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Then what I want you to do is put an A and a B option so quite often it's a yes or a no or say, for example, if we were, like we knew we were maybe going to move to Scotland, like is it going to be Scotland, is it going to be Canada, like it could have been two places, we might have had an option.
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Right, oh, I don't know which one to choose.
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Right, I want you to have two clear choices.
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So write those down option A and option B.
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Once you write those down, you've now got a question and two options.
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I generally like to take maybe about probably 5 to 10 minutes to have a meditation, to like really ground myself.
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So, first of all, I'm not thinking about my question.
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What I'm doing is I'm grounding myself.
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I want to like come in to myself, to be able to like explore my question.
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So, 5 to 10 minutes of meditation, and then what I do is with my eyes closed.
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I would ask myself the question should I move, should I move, should I move?
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Now usually I repeat that probably 5 to 10 times and I just sit with that in my body.
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No attachments, no, nothing.
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Just sit with it.
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Once I feel like that question's really like hit home a little bit, I then go okay, option A.
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Option A might be Canada, in this case.
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All right.
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So what does Canada look like if I was to move there?
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What would it look like?
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We don't want to work out how it's going to work out.
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We just want to know what it would be like if that is the option that became our reality.
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So, letting your imagination play with that.
00:20:15.924 --> 00:20:18.775
You know, what sort of house could you potentially be living in?
00:20:18.775 --> 00:20:20.380
What's the car you might be driving?
00:20:20.380 --> 00:20:21.162
Who's there?
00:20:21.162 --> 00:20:24.457
Like you know, it can be anything with your scenario.
00:20:24.457 --> 00:20:25.940
So just explore it.
00:20:25.940 --> 00:20:32.317
Once you've like felt that your body would have responded, just take note.
00:20:32.317 --> 00:20:37.825
And once you've given that probably about two to three minutes, you then move on to option B.
00:20:38.210 --> 00:20:41.140
Okay so, maybe my second option is Scotland.
00:20:41.140 --> 00:20:43.838
Okay, so what would it look like to live in Scotland?
00:20:43.838 --> 00:20:45.155
What car would I be driving?
00:20:45.155 --> 00:20:45.451
Maybe?
00:20:45.451 --> 00:20:46.373
Who's there?
00:20:46.373 --> 00:20:47.798
Where am I living?
00:20:47.798 --> 00:20:48.579
That sort of stuff.
00:20:48.579 --> 00:20:51.979
You let your mind explore deeply.
00:20:51.979 --> 00:20:56.689
Give it another two to three minutes, explore, explore, explore.
00:20:56.689 --> 00:20:59.215
How does that option make me feel?
00:20:59.215 --> 00:21:02.644
Take note of the sensations in your body.
00:21:02.644 --> 00:21:16.336
From here and exploring both options, you should be able to tell a clear front winner based on the feeling from in your body.
00:21:17.720 --> 00:21:24.518
Now, to know what's right for you and what isn't is also knowing what feels good and what doesn't.
00:21:24.518 --> 00:21:29.211
So say, for example, we did have the option of Canada.
00:21:29.211 --> 00:21:32.457
You know, my first instinct is like, oh my god, there's bears.
00:21:32.457 --> 00:21:36.742
I don't want to get eaten, you know.
00:21:36.742 --> 00:21:42.681
So maybe my body would have gone internally, like in a meditation.
00:21:42.681 --> 00:21:47.412
Like your brain can go anywhere, your body can respond any way it wants.
00:21:47.412 --> 00:21:52.403
Um, and I remember check, like I call it, fact checking to a certain degree too.
00:21:52.403 --> 00:21:54.234
Like my body expanded.
00:21:54.234 --> 00:22:00.240
When I thought of Scotland, I was like, oh, I'd been here before, I knew it was going to be great.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.529
Like I don't think I came to the highlands.
00:22:03.529 --> 00:22:07.221
If I did, I don't remember, but I'm sure it's great.
00:22:07.221 --> 00:22:10.190
There's mountains check, but it felt expansive.
00:22:10.190 --> 00:22:19.794
So how to know when option A and option B is good and not good is based on your own yes's and no's.
00:22:20.214 --> 00:22:24.384
So a clear yes is a clear yes and a clear no is a no.
00:22:24.384 --> 00:22:38.383
Now, if you don't get a response on the first go, what I want you to do is also park it and come back the next day and do it again, because sometimes we come into this trying to work it all out, and that's the thing.
00:22:38.383 --> 00:22:47.021
In order for it to actually land in your body, you need to have no assumptions or anything attached to your question.
00:22:47.021 --> 00:22:49.536
You're not there to problem solve.
00:22:49.536 --> 00:22:52.740
You just need to know if that's the sort of thing that you want in your life.
00:22:52.740 --> 00:23:00.300
The only person who knows what you want in your life is actually you, so you have to trust what it wants to tell you.
00:23:00.300 --> 00:23:03.207
Yeah.
00:23:03.288 --> 00:23:30.084
So I'm going to refer to it now from now on as Lizzie's decision tree, and what I loved about it was it takes away the outside noise and any influence, because I'm quite susceptible to other people's ideas of what's best and sometimes you just have to admit like nobody else knows what's best for you other than yourself.
00:23:30.084 --> 00:23:46.032
So when I tried your decision tree at your talk, I had a moment of like wow, I know what I need to do now, and before that I'd be saying to Alan oh, I'm thinking of this, what's your opinion on it, you know?
00:23:46.032 --> 00:23:48.801
Or my mum oh, do you think this is a good idea?
00:23:48.801 --> 00:23:51.309
Yeah, I wasn't asking myself.
00:23:51.309 --> 00:23:55.278
So I think for the listeners, please try it.
00:23:55.278 --> 00:24:00.233
If you're in that position of I don't know, because you will know afterwards.
00:24:00.233 --> 00:24:12.343
And it's just great it has changed my life because that's my first point of call now, sit down with myself rather than talking to others you know.
00:24:12.403 --> 00:24:14.133
So if you also.
00:24:14.133 --> 00:24:20.557
I've always found like a rule of thumb if you ask five other people like about something, it generally means you should be doing it.
00:24:21.780 --> 00:24:23.585
Oh, that's a good point.
00:24:23.765 --> 00:24:25.694
Yeah, right, so you went to your partner.
00:24:25.694 --> 00:24:27.038
Then you went to your mom, right.
00:24:27.038 --> 00:24:29.211
Like how many other people did you go and find out?
00:24:29.211 --> 00:24:33.597
Like you're already talking about it, listen to yourself, right.
00:24:33.597 --> 00:24:51.971
But that's the thing we don't acknowledge ourselves enough because people pleases approval seekers, we look at others first, so we can't hear ourselves even talk about ourselves at all yeah so yeah, if you catch yourself, I've asked five people about this, oh my god.
00:24:51.971 --> 00:24:52.612
Well, guess what?
00:24:52.612 --> 00:24:57.238
Whatever you've just been asking them, go do it okay.
00:24:57.618 --> 00:24:59.721
So we're on the path, Lizzie.
00:24:59.721 --> 00:25:02.965
Oh, we're doing it, we've made the decision, we're going for it.
00:25:02.965 --> 00:25:21.797
What do we do when we hit the self-doubt, fear of judgment, imposter syndrome, all of them limiting beliefs that sort of appear out of nowhere, that you might have been hiding before, but now you've had the confidence to make that decision?
00:25:21.797 --> 00:25:34.022
I've found in my life, when that decisions been made, there's even a little bit of at the back of your mind where it's you have to push past it.
00:25:34.022 --> 00:25:42.218
So it's like that phrase of um, it's something like expansion is on the other side of your comfort zone.
00:25:42.218 --> 00:25:45.728
I don't know if if you know.
00:25:45.788 --> 00:25:47.112
I can't think of what that is either.
00:25:47.713 --> 00:26:06.035
It's basically, if I describe it as the picture, it's like a really big circle and then a little circle in the middle, and a little circle is your comfort zone, whereas if you manage to fight your way past that and it is so hard to do, all the doors open.
00:26:06.035 --> 00:26:09.280
You know, but you have to keep going to get to that.
00:26:09.280 --> 00:26:17.022
So how do we get through our fear of judgment, imposter syndrome, limiting beliefs?
00:26:18.391 --> 00:26:20.315
We'd have to have like a whole day on this one.
00:26:22.298 --> 00:26:23.080
I know it's huge.
00:26:23.682 --> 00:26:24.544
It's really huge.
00:26:24.544 --> 00:26:31.182
Number one is you need to have an incredible like self-belief and self-trust within yourself.
00:26:31.182 --> 00:26:35.680
To get over those thoughts is coming back to you.
00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:44.624
You need to stop giving everyone else like more of you than you are to yourself, if that makes sense.
00:26:44.624 --> 00:26:55.182
So the reason why we worry about what other people think is because we give them more of our energy, as opposed to giving that energy back to ourselves.
00:26:56.826 --> 00:27:06.497
So if you want to do something and you know, say, for example, like a really easy one, like I'm just going to go to the shops to get milk, that's a really simple thing.
00:27:06.497 --> 00:27:07.138
I'm just going to go.
00:27:07.138 --> 00:27:10.105
Do it right, like how, like, oh, no, what, if?
00:27:10.105 --> 00:27:12.853
What if the guy next door sees me going to get milk?
00:27:12.853 --> 00:27:16.218
Like it's, we don't think because we need it, we know it right.
00:27:16.218 --> 00:27:25.030
But when it's the unknown, yes, it's scary, oh, but you've set a boundary for this first time.
00:27:25.030 --> 00:27:35.179
Or you know you're gonna wear a new dress that you've never worn in a style before and everyone's like, oh, this is like a bit out there.
00:27:35.179 --> 00:27:37.182
You know like, so what?
00:27:37.182 --> 00:27:37.584
Right?
00:27:38.509 --> 00:27:41.836
We worry because we have this fear within us.
00:27:41.836 --> 00:27:49.713
Now, we all don't want to be cast out or seen as different in society.
00:27:49.713 --> 00:27:54.583
As human beings, we're designed to be with people, around people.
00:27:54.583 --> 00:27:56.346
We love connecting with people.
00:27:56.346 --> 00:28:05.563
So once upon a time, you know, if you were seen as different, you were pushed away, you, you no longer belonged.
00:28:05.563 --> 00:28:18.291
And so there's generational stuff within all of us of this whole fear of not belonging, because that means that we're different and that's not a safe place to be, because that's a weak link.
00:28:18.291 --> 00:28:21.578
You know, we need to conform, we need to be able to do this.
00:28:21.578 --> 00:28:26.336
So to get over that, we need to remember number one we have a choice now.
00:28:26.415 --> 00:28:30.051
Like when I think of my grandma she, she didn't vote until what?
00:28:30.051 --> 00:28:36.182
Like the 1980s, and when she did start voting, she got told who to vote for by her husband.
00:28:36.182 --> 00:28:42.140
Like what you know, here I am, I'm like, I can vote for whoever I want whenever I want.
00:28:42.140 --> 00:28:46.118
Like I'm good, like what a like world we live in now.
00:28:46.118 --> 00:28:46.941
But that's the thing.
00:28:46.941 --> 00:29:00.596
Like there was so much society pressure on us and you know we can still feel it today like we're being told what to do and what we should have all the time, but we don't listen to ourselves.
00:29:00.656 --> 00:29:16.044
So if you want to stop caring about what other people think, you need to care more about what you need and what you want, without looking at everyone else.
00:29:16.044 --> 00:29:20.958
Yeah, because you know I go hiking in the mountains.
00:29:20.958 --> 00:29:23.230
It's not for everybody, fyi.
00:29:23.230 --> 00:29:28.060
I also don't climb the tops of those mountains because that's also for some other people, that's not for me.
00:29:28.060 --> 00:29:29.002
I know that.
00:29:29.002 --> 00:29:30.255
I'm okay with that.
00:29:30.255 --> 00:29:37.022
I know what I'm capable of and what my quirks are and who I am.
00:29:37.022 --> 00:29:42.576
And if you know that and can trust and believe once again self-trust and self-belief here is key.
00:29:42.576 --> 00:29:43.861
You have that.
00:29:43.861 --> 00:29:51.559
You don't need to look for others, you don't need to seek validation, you don't need to check that that desire is right.
00:29:51.559 --> 00:29:55.118
And that comes back to being responsible.
00:29:55.118 --> 00:29:57.778
Do you know what you're responsible for in this lifetime?
00:29:59.511 --> 00:30:00.035
I think so.
00:30:03.010 --> 00:30:05.656
She's like maybe, maybe, yeah.
00:30:08.190 --> 00:30:15.463
So our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, that's it.
00:30:15.463 --> 00:30:21.611
Those are the things that we are actually in control of.
00:30:21.611 --> 00:30:29.479
So if you're worrying about how somebody else's opinion of you like, how is that in your control?
00:30:30.980 --> 00:30:32.481
Hmm, it's not at all.
00:30:32.481 --> 00:30:37.487
It's not with the people pleasing side of it.
00:30:37.487 --> 00:30:50.098
I realised that about myself at quite a young age, that I was a people pleaser, but because I was at such a young age I didn't know how to change it.
00:30:50.098 --> 00:30:52.963
So I didn't have many friends in school.
00:30:52.963 --> 00:30:58.335
Even primary school I was like I don't want to be here.
00:31:00.852 --> 00:31:09.750
And my parents sent me to a high school that my brother was already at and all of the people I knew from primary went to different high schools.
00:31:09.750 --> 00:31:17.874
So I was on my own and I think it kind of set me up for my experience of school, which was it was just horrible.
00:31:17.874 --> 00:31:21.522
I had a lot of bullying, I didn't have many friends.
00:31:21.522 --> 00:31:36.400
I felt quite confident when I started and then I lost all of that confidence throughout those years and you kind of think, oh, it's fine, because I just need to finish high school and then when I go to college it's gone, but then it stays with you.
00:31:36.420 --> 00:31:44.674
Yeah, which was a big surprise for me, because I thought I just need to get rid of these people and get out of this environment and I'll be fine.
00:31:44.674 --> 00:31:45.736
And it was not.
00:31:45.736 --> 00:31:47.656
Big shock.
00:31:47.656 --> 00:31:50.266
It was not the case.
00:31:50.266 --> 00:31:56.323
So I found that's where my people pleasing started, because I wanted to be liked.
00:31:56.323 --> 00:31:58.086
I wanted the bullying to stop.
00:31:58.086 --> 00:32:09.500
In hindsight it had the opposite effect, whereas you're then viewed as weak, almost for being like nice to people and being kind to people.
00:32:09.500 --> 00:32:24.368
So I just wondered if you could share your experience of people pleasing as well, because I think it's quite common and I think for anybody that's listening that may not, they may be aware or they may not be aware.
00:32:24.368 --> 00:32:30.430
I just think it might be helpful to share experiences of it, if that's okay.
00:32:31.071 --> 00:32:34.039
Yeah, first of all I just want to quickly speak on your experience.
00:32:34.701 --> 00:32:43.144
The most catastrophic like age for us to experience anything like this is actually between the ages of 7 and 12.
00:32:43.144 --> 00:32:51.666
So anything that happens to us in that those years is really amplified through the rest of our lives.
00:32:51.666 --> 00:32:54.757
It's a very sensitive time.
00:32:54.757 --> 00:32:58.425
So anyone's got kids like do look after your kids when they're in that age.
00:32:58.425 --> 00:33:03.585
Like it's a very unique time, like they're trying to really cement in who they are.
00:33:03.585 --> 00:33:20.560
So if there's that element of not belonging and not like that worry, like it is so felt and it is held on to, so like even though you might have five more years of high school to go through, you're like practicing behaviors that take you through the rest of your life.
00:33:20.621 --> 00:33:24.529
So, as a people pleaser myself yes, I didn't like high school either.
00:33:24.529 --> 00:33:25.881
I didn't really have friends.
00:33:25.881 --> 00:33:30.708
I just kind of like I don't know, just did my thing.
00:33:30.708 --> 00:33:36.021
But I made peace with the fact that I'm so different from everyone else.
00:33:36.021 --> 00:33:39.391
I've always been searching why am I so different from everyone else?
00:33:39.391 --> 00:33:44.771
At 35, I was diagnosed as the high functioning autistic and I was like, oh, that makes sense.
00:33:44.771 --> 00:33:56.825
But that was like 20 years like after I went through high school, but all I wanted was to feel like I belong, but at the same time I knew I was different.
00:33:56.825 --> 00:34:03.280
And so people pleasing shows up because we want to feel like we belong.
00:34:03.280 --> 00:34:11.164
We worry because if we don't belong we're then cast out and then we're alone and no one wants to be lonely.
00:34:11.164 --> 00:34:13.172
I think that's the scariest thing ever.
00:34:13.172 --> 00:34:18.547
So people pleasing looks like for those who are like am I a people pleaser?
00:34:18.547 --> 00:34:22.242
It looks like the fear of disappointing others.
00:34:22.242 --> 00:34:27.489
It's finding it hard to say no to somebody.
00:34:27.489 --> 00:34:29.813
It's avoiding conflict.
00:34:29.813 --> 00:34:33.030
It's seeking approval to validate yourself, your ideas or anything else.
00:34:33.030 --> 00:34:33.391
It's not conflict.
00:34:33.391 --> 00:34:35.219
It's seeking approval to validate yourself, your ideas or anything else.
00:34:35.219 --> 00:34:39.768
It's not setting boundaries, it's them first me, second.
00:34:39.768 --> 00:34:50.784
Always one of the things as an adult, the number one people pleasing thing was like I never took a sick day.
00:34:51.681 --> 00:35:01.833
I used to work three to four jobs and uni and all the stuff, and I never took a sick day unless, unless, unless I was completely bedridden, so like.
00:35:01.833 --> 00:35:06.880
Even if I like had like a vomit the night before and I still kind of felt all right the next day, I'd still go to work.
00:35:06.880 --> 00:35:07.201
Why?
00:35:07.201 --> 00:35:09.487
Because I didn't want to disappoint somebody.
00:35:09.487 --> 00:35:11.612
I didn't want to let my boss down.
00:35:11.612 --> 00:35:13.405
You know, stuff like that.
00:35:13.467 --> 00:35:17.527
Like that is what people pleasers do, because like we'll be fine, we'll be okay.
00:35:17.527 --> 00:35:19.851
No, you're not.
00:35:19.851 --> 00:35:20.532
You need a break.
00:35:20.532 --> 00:35:26.253
And it's okay to take a break because we don't see that we are worthy enough of that.
00:35:26.253 --> 00:35:40.172
And that's where I think, for a lot of people, people pleasing, like it's giving too much, it's not giving to yourself at all, and that's the thing too.
00:35:40.172 --> 00:35:53.932
Like I believe that everyone should be kind and you can do acts of love and kindness for people, but do it from a full heart, not one that's depleted or based on any fear whatsoever because that's the thing.
00:35:53.932 --> 00:35:58.697
If you're doing something because you're avoiding or fearful, that is people pleasing.
00:36:00.702 --> 00:36:02.467
It can be changed, can't it?
00:36:02.467 --> 00:36:04.766
You can work on it.
00:36:04.826 --> 00:36:05.750
Testimony to that.
00:36:07.760 --> 00:36:28.503
I'm at the point now where some people I still find myself struggling to say no to and it's generally like family and close, close friends where you feel like, oh, you know, I really want to, but I don't have time for that, so I'm gonna say no, but I still catch myself like this feels uncomfortable saying no to this person.
00:36:28.503 --> 00:36:30.867
I just hate that.
00:36:30.887 --> 00:36:32.007
Practice, my friend.
00:36:34.190 --> 00:36:34.530
I will.
00:36:34.650 --> 00:36:43.664
It does get easier and the thing is I find the hardest people to like practice is with our loved ones.
00:36:43.664 --> 00:36:46.190
Because they've come accustomed to how we've always been.
00:36:46.190 --> 00:36:50.659
So if we change our behaviour slightly, they're like oh, that's new.
00:36:50.659 --> 00:36:56.465
And you're like yeah, it is, but are you still gonna love me for like doing this thing?
00:36:56.465 --> 00:36:57.809
Like it's big.
00:36:58.572 --> 00:37:16.110
That's a really good point because I think the danger of people pleasing as well can be people just like it turns into like well, Steph will do it, yeah she'll do it just go to Steph and then you can't say no and then you end up with everyone else's stuff and you feel rubbish.
00:37:16.110 --> 00:37:18.273
So boundaries, people.
00:37:18.273 --> 00:37:19.635
We need boundaries.
00:37:19.994 --> 00:37:20.235
Yes.
00:37:20.295 --> 00:37:20.655
Yeah.
00:37:20.655 --> 00:37:25.963
So what's the most valuable lesson that you've learned in life?
00:37:25.963 --> 00:37:32.724
I know you've had huge moves and huge decisions, but what would you say is the most valuable lesson you've had?
00:37:34.266 --> 00:37:37.512
That mind and body need to work together in order to trust yourself.
00:37:37.512 --> 00:37:39.134
It's like an energetic dance.
00:37:39.134 --> 00:37:46.990
If you can master that and come to peace with that, I think anything is possible.
00:37:48.833 --> 00:37:50.115
I do agree, I do agree.
00:37:51.103 --> 00:37:56.864
Yeah, it's, it's big, and I think's the thing like my biggest leap of faith was moving our family over here.
00:37:56.864 --> 00:38:01.672
You know, I was just like no, this is it.
00:38:01.672 --> 00:38:05.952
This is happening, and ever since then I've been practicing more of that.
00:38:05.952 --> 00:38:09.963
I have another mantra you'll like actually as well "yes, please, more, thank you.
00:38:09.963 --> 00:38:13.471
So Scotland is the land of rainbows.
00:38:13.471 --> 00:38:13.831
Why?
00:38:13.831 --> 00:38:16.485
Because it rains a lot, so there's lots of rainbows.
00:38:16.485 --> 00:38:18.911
So whenever I see one, I'm like yes, please, more, thank you.
00:38:18.911 --> 00:38:22.811
When something good happens, I'm like yes, please, more, thank you.
00:38:22.811 --> 00:38:42.405
Like I'm focusing on those positive things when stuff happens, um, as opposed to all that worry and wasting energy on something that I don't want in my life and that took me to come to terms with my head and my heart together going okay, this is, this is how we operate as a human.
00:38:42.686 --> 00:38:49.724
You know both of these pieces and sometimes it's safe to worry, because we do need to worry sometimes about certain things.
00:38:49.724 --> 00:38:54.153
But then like, how much of your energy are you going to give that?
00:38:54.153 --> 00:38:56.164
How many days does that need?
00:38:56.164 --> 00:38:57.487
Is it one day, two days?
00:38:57.487 --> 00:38:59.250
Can we park it?
00:38:59.250 --> 00:39:02.661
Is that somebody else's responsibility, not yours?
00:39:09.349 --> 00:39:09.748
Okay.
00:39:09.748 --> 00:39:23.768
So I know a lot of people struggle when they're working towards the goals for, like, numerous things that we've spoken about as well, and, like you get past that decision and then you hit all the other things that pop into your mind.
00:39:23.768 --> 00:39:27.719
So how do we go about achieving our goals in 2025?
00:39:29.204 --> 00:39:33.335
It's the doing like the hardest thing for all of us is the doing so.
00:39:33.335 --> 00:39:35.742
We can write that to-do list, but it's the doing.
00:39:35.742 --> 00:39:52.648
Um and yes, stuff comes up in our head and I almost want to stop us, but it's the doing so, and we don't like this word, and much at all is self-discipline, and I think if you're wanting to, like, reach your goals for this year, choose one.
00:39:52.648 --> 00:39:55.302
Don't start with like the 10 of them.
00:39:55.302 --> 00:40:01.436
Start with one and increment like small daily changes.
00:40:01.436 --> 00:40:02.659
That's all that's required.
00:40:02.659 --> 00:40:09.190
So say, for example, this year I am going to start my yoga practice again.
00:40:09.190 --> 00:40:13.005
It has been so all over the place since I've had kids.
00:40:13.005 --> 00:40:17.887
Prior to that, I was a weekly, three times a week yoga person.
00:40:17.887 --> 00:40:24.302
Now I'm like five minutes, 10, maybe on a Tuesday next month.
00:40:24.302 --> 00:40:30.469
Yeah, 2025, no, me and yoga are going to become best friends again.
00:40:31.170 --> 00:40:42.871
But the thing is, my expectations on this isn't to be doing yoga for an hour once a week, it's how do I bring this into my fruition of my life?
00:40:42.871 --> 00:40:47.663
You know, and if that means I am going to be starting with 10 minutes, am I going to do it?
00:40:47.663 --> 00:40:48.425
10 minutes a day?
00:40:48.425 --> 00:40:58.786
Yeah, probably 10 minutes a day is enough to start with, you know, just so I get back into the habit of showing up on the mat, as they say, it's a practice.
00:40:58.786 --> 00:41:05.985
So if your big goal I don't know, even if it's to go on a holiday, right, like you know, you need to save money.
00:41:05.985 --> 00:41:06.969
How are you going to do it?
00:41:06.969 --> 00:41:11.887
Baby steps break it down into smaller, bite-sized chunks.
00:41:12.028 --> 00:41:16.586
And I think the other thing too, for a lot of us is we lose focus on our goals.
00:41:16.586 --> 00:41:28.175
So if you're focusing on your goal, you'll make it happen, but you need to focus your energy on it, if that makes sense, yeah.
00:41:28.175 --> 00:41:32.961
So if mine's a yoga practice, I'm gonna be pretty much focusing on yoga for a while.
00:41:32.961 --> 00:41:38.447
Might be a bit weird, but it's uncomfortable.
00:41:38.447 --> 00:41:40.047
I kind of know it from the past.
00:41:40.047 --> 00:41:41.909
But this is a new era of Liz.
00:41:41.909 --> 00:41:43.451
I've had two kids since then.
00:41:43.451 --> 00:41:47.333
You know there's different shapes and stuff you know I've got to deal with.
00:41:47.333 --> 00:41:49.715
That's how this is.
00:41:49.715 --> 00:41:56.644
This is a new way of doing yoga, so I have to come in it with a new energy.
00:41:56.684 --> 00:41:58.791
So stick at it and don't overwhelm yourself.
00:42:00.384 --> 00:42:01.025
No overwhelm.
00:42:01.025 --> 00:42:03.092
That's the thing like the smaller the better.
00:42:03.092 --> 00:42:08.389
That's the thing like I think we all have these great ideas and like I don't know.
00:42:08.389 --> 00:42:11.340
It depends on what you're into that you know.
00:42:11.340 --> 00:42:12.103
Like I'm gonna climb.
00:42:12.103 --> 00:42:20.342
Like I don't know what's the big mountain I can't think of, we've got Ben Navis here, by the way, but I'm like even I'm not aiming that high, but there's bigger ones.
00:42:20.342 --> 00:42:27.802
Um, you know, if that's your goal, like it takes practice to get to that height, right?
00:42:27.802 --> 00:42:31.748
So how do you break it down into smaller bits?
00:42:31.748 --> 00:42:36.516
So you're getting used to having the thing, but you're practicing it.
00:42:37.601 --> 00:42:39.869
And how can people find you and work with you, Lizzie?
00:42:41.181 --> 00:42:42.907
Come and hang out with me on Instagram.
00:42:42.907 --> 00:42:46.860
I love a sneaky DM and a question in Instagram.
00:42:46.860 --> 00:42:54.106
So it's Lizzie_ Moult on Instagram, or you can find me over my website, www.
00:42:54.106 --> 00:42:54.106
lizziemoult.
00:42:54.106 --> 00:42:59.342
com.
00:42:59.362 --> 00:43:01.487
Thank you so much for coming on the podcast, Lizzie.
00:43:01.487 --> 00:43:03.893
I have thoroughly enjoyed having you here.
00:43:03.893 --> 00:43:08.050
So thank you so much and if you would like to work with Lizzie, please do reach out to her.
00:43:08.050 --> 00:43:12.396
I will link all of her socials in the show notes and thank you again for listening.
00:43:12.396 --> 00:43:18.844
You can follow me on instagram at Tranquil Topics and please rate, review and subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening from.
00:43:18.844 --> 00:43:22.699
Thanks, and I will see you in two weeks time with another episode.
00:43:22.699 --> 00:43:56.284
Bye, thank you.
00:00:06.991 --> 00:00:09.234
Hello, welcome back to Tranquil Topics.
00:00:09.234 --> 00:00:23.946
I'm your host, Steph, and joining me today from the Scottish Highlands is Lizzie Moult, an adventurous Aussie country gal who is here to teach us how to stop taking on other people's stuff so we can learn to trust ourselves and our vision while still feeling confident enough to create it.
00:00:23.946 --> 00:00:39.429
Lizzie has a down-to-earth way of bringing your essence to the forefront, weaving cognitive behavioral therapy, positive psychology and life experience together to take you from a wannabe rule breaker to full-time rebel, without the excuses or the need for approval.
00:00:39.429 --> 00:00:41.393
So welcome to the podcast, Lizzie.
00:00:42.682 --> 00:00:44.026
Hi, thanks so much for having me.
00:00:44.026 --> 00:00:45.731
I'm so excited for our conversation.
00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:54.393
Thank you so much for being here, so can we start off, please, with you telling us a little bit about yourself and what led you to where you are now?
00:00:55.441 --> 00:01:01.993
So obviously, instantly, my accent doesn't match the Scottish Highlands whatsoever.
00:01:01.993 --> 00:01:12.712
So I'm originally from Australia and it must have been, I think it's four years now that there was a January and I was just like I am so unhappy.
00:01:12.712 --> 00:01:16.885
I need something to change and I wanted more from life.
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I'd been doing a lot of work on myself.
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I'd been diagnosed as a high-functioning autistic, so my brain is like a next level problem solver.
00:01:25.771 --> 00:02:00.266
But I couldn't marry like my quirkiness with who I was and all this stuff and I did like several years of like unpacking all that but at the end of the day, like even though I'd worked it all out and it all made sense, I was like there's something that I needed, so I took myself off to a little event, which, funnily enough, I'm actually recreating here in the Scottish Highlands late January and I wrote out this one line Okay, so what do I want?
00:02:00.266 --> 00:02:13.870
Peaks with water at the bottom, and feel that expansion of self, expansion of heart as I looked out the window because I lived in the most beautiful place.
00:02:13.870 --> 00:02:16.162
I lived in a rainforest, completely off grid.
00:02:16.162 --> 00:02:18.186
My water came out of a mountain.
00:02:18.186 --> 00:02:21.532
Our electricity was solar.
00:02:21.532 --> 00:02:22.281
It was insane.
00:02:22.281 --> 00:02:23.362
You couldn't write it.
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We lived in a fantastic place but it didn't do anything for my heart and I knew that I had to, that we needed to do something, and so when I wrote down that that's what I wanted, I was kind of like no way, like why would I give up this what seems amazing life for something that's completely polar opposite to what was real right?
00:02:48.599 --> 00:02:58.085
So, lo and behold, the next week my husband started looking for jobs abroad instead of like locally, because that was kind of already on the cards.
00:02:58.085 --> 00:03:00.211
You know, new year, you want to start something new.
00:03:00.211 --> 00:03:03.685
And yeah, Fort William.
00:03:03.685 --> 00:03:06.830
And I was like no way, we're, we're so moving.
00:03:06.830 --> 00:03:09.462
And he's like I haven't even applied for the job yet.
00:03:09.462 --> 00:03:12.330
It's like that's fine, we need to start organising visas, we're going.
00:03:12.330 --> 00:03:13.100
He's like what do you mean?
00:03:13.100 --> 00:03:15.466
I'm like I just know I can feel it.
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At this point he's obviously thinking that I'm some sort of crazy lady.
00:03:20.062 --> 00:03:35.382
But he decided to go with it, which was great, and we ended up moving our family within four months from me having that crazy little idea to him getting a job, relocating from Australia to Scotland.
00:03:36.044 --> 00:03:41.861
So prior to that, I'd actually studied cognitive behavioral therapy and positive psychology.
00:03:41.861 --> 00:03:54.091
Because prior to doing this work, I was running events for women and trying to like help them and empower them and I was speaking at my own event.
00:03:54.091 --> 00:04:04.163
I'd actually left myself off the timetable because I'd put everyone else in front of mine like who you know, like they're more important, they need a time slot.
00:04:04.163 --> 00:04:20.447
And so when I looked at the thing and I was like, oh my god, I've given myself 10 minutes to talk at a two-day event that I'm organising to demonstrate that I'm a speaker and I've got stuff to share and like all this stuff like stories, I was like, oh my god, like I'm a total people pleaser.
00:04:21.148 --> 00:04:27.495
So, along with the diagnosis of being high functioning autistic, I was a people pleaser.
00:04:27.495 --> 00:04:31.687
I was completely like an approval seeker.
00:04:31.687 --> 00:04:34.713
I was like I wanted everyone to validate who I was.
00:04:34.713 --> 00:04:44.466
So to go from that to going you know what I'm going to trust this crazy idea that snow-capped peaks and water was going to like fulfill me.
00:04:44.466 --> 00:04:45.891
Turns out it does.
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Living here in the Scottish Highlands right now, I'm looking out on a loch with snow-capped peaks and if you could see my grin right now, you would understand how much this makes me happy.
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And it's just the smallest little change, but it took great lengths to be able to do it.
00:05:03.192 --> 00:05:14.504
So that's how I ended up in the Scottish Highlands with a cognitive behavioral therapy practice, working both here in person and online and doing lots of little local events.
00:05:15.826 --> 00:05:19.180
Okay, I have so many questions just for everything you said there.
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So, first off, four months, that is a short amount of time to move across the world.
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Know that during COVID we had to apply to leave the country.
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Wow.
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We had to get police checks to be able to board our plane.
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No way, no way to me like the confidence it takes to be able to trust your instinct, especially in that situation where you're leaving everything you know and moving and not knowing.
00:05:53.930 --> 00:05:55.533
You know what I mean.
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Obviously, your gut instinct was on it and you followed it, and your husband was on board, which is amazing and it's all worked out amazing.
00:06:04.653 --> 00:06:07.261
But let's, let's go into this.
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So, first off, can we touch on what is cognitive behavioral therapy?
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So first of all, I have to admit I'm a bit of a holistic approach to cognitive behavioral therapy.
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It is about helping people reframe things and look at their thoughts.
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However, I do a lot to do with the body as well.
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I was so out of my body it wasn't funny and I tried to work out all the thoughts and the thinking.
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So my brain and the way it works, like that was one component.
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But when I married it with the body and the emotions, it actually began to make sense, like we need to work with both body and mind to create harmony.
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One isn't better than the other.
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It's about harmony, balance, yin and yang.
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It's just constantly like there's this magical relationship that happens and we have to have like both elements in tune so we can listen.
00:07:06.812 --> 00:07:26.874
So the work that I do is I help majority of people actually get out of their heads back into their bodies, which is what I needed, like to be able to trust myself, because I could actually understand my own body language, because our body holds wisdom, but in this day and age, we're in our heads all the time.
00:07:27.033 --> 00:07:33.821
So working with the mind is fantastic, but when we marry both of them, that's where the magic happens.
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So, yes, if we're all stuck in our heads, getting back into our bodies gives us the opportunity to actually lean into self-trust, because there's no way for a lot of people.
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The idea of moving your family halfway across the world now get this.
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We also had nowhere to live once we got here.
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All we had was a job, a school for our kids to go to right.
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Yeah, like I'm not even in the situation and it makes me go
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Whereas, you know, I had a gut feeling that somewhere like this was what I needed.
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And we got here and I remember, like the first day we arrived was like oh my goodness, every Wednesday I'm out and about in the highlands here and I'm like I love this place.
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It's so good.
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My heart expands to know that and that's the thing to know that, and that's the thing like.
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So the way in which I help people is to understand these feelings that come up and the diversity of our feelings, what they actually mean.
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So, yes, we can reframe stuff and learn to get our minds where it needs to be, but if you actually go within, magic.
00:08:43.850 --> 00:08:49.841
Can I ask your opinion on some people in my life will say I don't have a gut instinct.
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Whereas I do, um, I've learned to trust mine and I've learned that when I ignore it, I end up regretting that.
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How do people who say that they don't have one, how do they connect with that?
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I would ask them have you ever like, known something and then five minutes later gone?
00:09:10.846 --> 00:09:11.769
Oh, I knew that.
00:09:13.471 --> 00:09:24.312
I can guarantee that they have known stuff in the past but don't recognize it as a gut instinct or intuition or, yeah, um, any of that sort of stuff.
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Intuition is a feeling, so I'm not even know how to explain this for everybody, so I call it emotional literacy.
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Each emotion speaks to us through our bodies in its own unique way, now some of the things we are all familiar with.
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So, for example, when we're sad what often happens we might cry, we might shed a tear.
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Those are ones we all kind of know.
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But beneath, like the physical and that's the thing with the body there's physical, emotional, but there's also vibrational.
00:10:06.721 --> 00:10:12.248
So often intuition is like a vibration, but where's it showing up in your body?
00:10:12.248 --> 00:10:23.615
So when you get sadness and you feel the physical tear or you feel a bit of that and maybe your heart's a bit like oh, but sometimes even in your stomach you're like it's so big that feeling.
00:10:23.615 --> 00:10:33.009
There's a vibration to it as well, and I think for a lot of people we don't want to experience the wholeness of an emotion.
00:10:33.009 --> 00:10:54.379
So once you can get comfortable with some of these bigger emotions, like listening to your intuition actually becomes easier, because you can differentiate what like happiness is to like a bit of sadness or what worry is, or um, oh, that was like I just had this pull, like what was that about?
00:10:54.379 --> 00:11:02.379
But usually those pulls like that snow-capped peaks for me is like I wanted to feel expanded.
00:11:02.379 --> 00:11:04.202
I was living somewhere.
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Yes, it was probably somebody else's dream, but it made me feel really small and squashed.
00:11:09.634 --> 00:11:15.947
So that is actually a desire, so that's a feeling.
00:11:15.947 --> 00:11:20.335
So it wasn't necessarily intuition, right, it was actually my truth.
00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:25.285
Yeah, does it build, and build if you ignore it?
00:11:26.948 --> 00:11:28.091
I'd call that resentment.
00:11:28.091 --> 00:11:34.506
If you don't listen, why has that person got that?
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And I don't if you don't listen, right, but when you start talking about things, and this is the thing so as a former someone who would ask 500 people now I'm exaggerating quite a lot there, obviously, so probably five people if my ideas were valid.
00:11:53.201 --> 00:12:00.731
If you know, this thing that I was thinking about was real, even though it was based on a desire that I knew that I wanted.
00:12:00.731 --> 00:12:07.941
I would then go and ask people do you think that that's okay?
00:12:07.941 --> 00:12:13.861
You know, and that is where I second guessed my own truth and that's where I think for a lot of us, we're like oh, I've got this idea.
00:12:14.504 --> 00:12:19.594
The only person I told at first about my idea about these snow-capped peaks was my husband.
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Why?
00:12:19.854 --> 00:12:21.384
Because he's my partner in crime.
00:12:21.384 --> 00:12:24.110
He's either going to be on board or he's not.
00:12:24.110 --> 00:12:29.393
I don't know what would happen if it, if he had said no way, we're not going.
00:12:29.393 --> 00:12:34.349
But luckily I married the right guy and I knew that he was always up for an adventure.
00:12:34.349 --> 00:12:36.817
But that's the thing.
00:12:36.817 --> 00:12:38.881
Like, I don't know how I like.
00:12:38.881 --> 00:12:47.014
What would have happened if, like I wouldn't have had that to be able to follow that opportunity, that feeling, because I wanted it?
00:12:47.014 --> 00:12:58.269
I knew that I needed it because it was lacking from my life, and that comes from understanding my own needs and how my body's communicating.
00:12:59.530 --> 00:13:05.971
Yeah, I can relate to that feeling of it's almost like being trapped inside yourself.
00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:14.322
So, like when I started this podcast, it was in August, and it was my partner who said to me, like why don't you start one?
00:13:14.322 --> 00:13:21.565
Because you listen to them, and I was like I'm not sure about how that makes me feel.
00:13:21.565 --> 00:13:30.506
And then he left that and then it was stuck in my mind then just at the back, like there's a new thought and I thought you know what?
00:13:30.506 --> 00:13:45.518
I'm just gonna do it and just see what happens and the expansion I felt in myself from actually doing it, regardless of, like all those imposter syndrome thoughts.
00:13:45.518 --> 00:13:47.861
And I'm sure we'll get around talking about that.
00:13:47.861 --> 00:14:00.902
But if I hadn't have done that, I would have felt it would just been a road of unhappiness because you're not actually acknowledging, like you said, what your body is telling you to do.
00:14:00.902 --> 00:14:05.890
It wasn't a mind thing, it was like a, like a chest.
00:14:05.890 --> 00:14:07.653
I don't know how to explain.
00:14:08.581 --> 00:14:21.241
Yeah, here, yeah, and that's the thing, because your mind wants you to stop it, because it's not like, if you don't acknowledge all the emotions and also the sensations, you don't understand them clearly.
00:14:21.241 --> 00:14:32.647
So, if you can get so once again, emotional literacy, if you can go, okay, when I'm sad, this is what happens within me and like decipher it.
00:14:32.647 --> 00:14:38.629
So, yes, tears is a sign, but for me I close off, like I am like just leave me alone.
00:14:38.629 --> 00:14:40.386
Like I want a few days to be gross.
00:14:40.386 --> 00:14:46.004
I'm like I'm okay watching Netflix for a few days and you guys just eating pizza.
00:14:46.004 --> 00:14:47.381
Like I'm going, I'm okay watching Netflix for a few days and you guys just eating pizza.
00:14:47.381 --> 00:14:48.269
Like I'm gonna make peace with that.
00:14:48.269 --> 00:14:55.628
Because I need that time for my own heart and my own soul to like go through that emotion and give myself the space to do that.
00:14:56.409 --> 00:15:03.510
But then you know, like, if we can acknowledge each of our emotions and be gentle with them, yeah, that like so much information is available.
00:15:03.510 --> 00:15:14.163
We just have to listen to what our body is saying to us, learn the signals, like with all my anxiety clients that I have, like the first thing I say to them.
00:15:14.163 --> 00:15:17.572
It's like how do you know when you're about to have an anxiety attack?
00:15:17.572 --> 00:15:26.075
And they talked me through their little like symbols and then I'm like great, so you know when it's happening.
00:15:26.075 --> 00:15:27.462
And they're like oh yeah, I do.
00:15:27.462 --> 00:15:27.903
Actually.
00:15:27.903 --> 00:15:47.520
I'm like great, so now we know how to like prepare for that or how to manage that or how to look into that, so when it starts, you can like ease some of those things off, as opposed to like going on in down the rabbit hole blind as, like it's just happening to me.
00:15:47.520 --> 00:15:51.907
Yeah, no, no, you're in control, yeah.
00:15:53.389 --> 00:16:12.873
So I know you do public speaking events, amongst a lot of other things, and I met you for the first time in November at Mind Body Spirit spirit festival in Birmingham where I attended your talk there, and I was so excited I was I was coming down the the middle of the hall and I was like she's there, I can see her.
00:16:13.421 --> 00:16:17.708
So I was like number one fan um.
00:16:17.708 --> 00:16:55.278
But your talk was all about learning, about how to trust your gut, how to read your body signals, to decipher your intuition, and you managed to explain something in your talk that I'd never actually thought about before or heard before, which has changed my life from that moment on and I can't emphasise that enough, would you be able to talk the listeners through the decision tree process, to be able to go through it by yourself without actually needing to ask somebody else what do you think?
00:16:56.666 --> 00:17:02.791
Exactly because that's the whole reason why this thing exists and, by the way, I love the fact you call it a decision tree.
00:17:02.791 --> 00:17:07.760
Um, I'm like this is how we ask a question.
00:17:07.760 --> 00:17:10.728
You know it's a decision tree.
00:17:10.728 --> 00:17:11.730
It sounds more noble.
00:17:11.730 --> 00:17:12.431
I love it.
00:17:12.431 --> 00:17:13.554
Okay.
00:17:13.554 --> 00:17:17.662
So, um, I use this process to make decisions.
00:17:17.781 --> 00:17:21.758
So, going back to that moment where I was like, oh my god, snow-capped peaks.
00:17:21.758 --> 00:17:23.040
Should I do it, should I not do it?
00:17:23.040 --> 00:17:26.436
I clearly knew the answer.
00:17:26.436 --> 00:17:28.882
Here's how I knew that answer.
00:17:28.882 --> 00:17:35.175
So when we start um with anything, there's always a question, right.
00:17:35.175 --> 00:17:42.872
So instead of instead of going, hey, my friend, like I need to know about blah, blah, blah, hey, this person, what is the question that you're really asking?
00:17:42.872 --> 00:17:47.642
You need to get to the very basic question.
00:17:47.642 --> 00:17:54.336
So mine was do I move my family pretty much right, like to the other side of the world?
00:17:54.336 --> 00:18:02.579
Potentially, I didn't know all the details, but like, here it is do I need snow-capped peaks and mountains?
00:18:02.579 --> 00:18:03.721
Yes or no?
00:18:03.721 --> 00:18:05.550
Two clear answers.
00:18:05.550 --> 00:18:15.964
So what I want you to do if you're struggling with something right now maybe it's a big decision, maybe it's what dress to wear, like it can be that simple.
00:18:15.964 --> 00:18:18.150
What is the question you are asking?
00:18:18.150 --> 00:18:26.530
Write it down on your piece of paper, no emotion attached to it whatsoever, as well, please, just the facts.
00:18:26.530 --> 00:18:47.182
Then what I want you to do is put an A and a B option so quite often it's a yes or a no or say, for example, if we were, like we knew we were maybe going to move to Scotland, like is it going to be Scotland, is it going to be Canada, like it could have been two places, we might have had an option.
00:18:47.182 --> 00:18:52.046
Right, oh, I don't know which one to choose.
00:18:52.046 --> 00:18:55.448
Right, I want you to have two clear choices.
00:18:55.448 --> 00:19:00.153
So write those down option A and option B.
00:19:00.153 --> 00:19:04.521
Once you write those down, you've now got a question and two options.
00:19:07.770 --> 00:19:12.309
I generally like to take maybe about probably 5 to 10 minutes to have a meditation, to like really ground myself.
00:19:12.309 --> 00:19:16.519
So, first of all, I'm not thinking about my question.
00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:19.333
What I'm doing is I'm grounding myself.
00:19:19.333 --> 00:19:26.230
I want to like come in to myself, to be able to like explore my question.
00:19:26.230 --> 00:19:33.480
So, 5 to 10 minutes of meditation, and then what I do is with my eyes closed.
00:19:33.480 --> 00:19:39.394
I would ask myself the question should I move, should I move, should I move?
00:19:39.394 --> 00:19:44.512
Now usually I repeat that probably 5 to 10 times and I just sit with that in my body.
00:19:44.512 --> 00:19:47.820
No attachments, no, nothing.
00:19:47.820 --> 00:19:48.803
Just sit with it.
00:19:51.250 --> 00:19:56.442
Once I feel like that question's really like hit home a little bit, I then go okay, option A.
00:19:56.442 --> 00:19:59.419
Option A might be Canada, in this case.
00:19:59.419 --> 00:20:00.932
All right.
00:20:00.932 --> 00:20:04.134
So what does Canada look like if I was to move there?
00:20:04.134 --> 00:20:04.978
What would it look like?
00:20:05.170 --> 00:20:07.479
We don't want to work out how it's going to work out.
00:20:07.479 --> 00:20:12.041
We just want to know what it would be like if that is the option that became our reality.
00:20:12.041 --> 00:20:15.924
So, letting your imagination play with that.
00:20:15.924 --> 00:20:18.775
You know, what sort of house could you potentially be living in?
00:20:18.775 --> 00:20:20.380
What's the car you might be driving?
00:20:20.380 --> 00:20:21.162
Who's there?
00:20:21.162 --> 00:20:24.457
Like you know, it can be anything with your scenario.
00:20:24.457 --> 00:20:25.940
So just explore it.
00:20:25.940 --> 00:20:32.317
Once you've like felt that your body would have responded, just take note.
00:20:32.317 --> 00:20:37.825
And once you've given that probably about two to three minutes, you then move on to option B.
00:20:38.210 --> 00:20:41.140
Okay so, maybe my second option is Scotland.
00:20:41.140 --> 00:20:43.838
Okay, so what would it look like to live in Scotland?
00:20:43.838 --> 00:20:45.155
What car would I be driving?
00:20:45.155 --> 00:20:45.451
Maybe?
00:20:45.451 --> 00:20:46.373
Who's there?
00:20:46.373 --> 00:20:47.798
Where am I living?
00:20:47.798 --> 00:20:48.579
That sort of stuff.
00:20:48.579 --> 00:20:51.979
You let your mind explore deeply.
00:20:51.979 --> 00:20:56.689
Give it another two to three minutes, explore, explore, explore.
00:20:56.689 --> 00:20:59.215
How does that option make me feel?
00:20:59.215 --> 00:21:02.644
Take note of the sensations in your body.
00:21:02.644 --> 00:21:16.336
From here and exploring both options, you should be able to tell a clear front winner based on the feeling from in your body.
00:21:17.720 --> 00:21:24.518
Now, to know what's right for you and what isn't is also knowing what feels good and what doesn't.
00:21:24.518 --> 00:21:29.211
So say, for example, we did have the option of Canada.
00:21:29.211 --> 00:21:32.457
You know, my first instinct is like, oh my god, there's bears.
00:21:32.457 --> 00:21:36.742
I don't want to get eaten, you know.
00:21:36.742 --> 00:21:42.681
So maybe my body would have gone internally, like in a meditation.
00:21:42.681 --> 00:21:47.412
Like your brain can go anywhere, your body can respond any way it wants.
00:21:47.412 --> 00:21:52.403
Um, and I remember check, like I call it, fact checking to a certain degree too.
00:21:52.403 --> 00:21:54.234
Like my body expanded.
00:21:54.234 --> 00:22:00.240
When I thought of Scotland, I was like, oh, I'd been here before, I knew it was going to be great.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.529
Like I don't think I came to the highlands.
00:22:03.529 --> 00:22:07.221
If I did, I don't remember, but I'm sure it's great.
00:22:07.221 --> 00:22:10.190
There's mountains check, but it felt expansive.
00:22:10.190 --> 00:22:19.794
So how to know when option A and option B is good and not good is based on your own yes's and no's.
00:22:20.214 --> 00:22:24.384
So a clear yes is a clear yes and a clear no is a no.
00:22:24.384 --> 00:22:38.383
Now, if you don't get a response on the first go, what I want you to do is also park it and come back the next day and do it again, because sometimes we come into this trying to work it all out, and that's the thing.
00:22:38.383 --> 00:22:47.021
In order for it to actually land in your body, you need to have no assumptions or anything attached to your question.
00:22:47.021 --> 00:22:49.536
You're not there to problem solve.
00:22:49.536 --> 00:22:52.740
You just need to know if that's the sort of thing that you want in your life.
00:22:52.740 --> 00:23:00.300
The only person who knows what you want in your life is actually you, so you have to trust what it wants to tell you.
00:23:00.300 --> 00:23:03.207
Yeah.
00:23:03.288 --> 00:23:30.084
So I'm going to refer to it now from now on as Lizzie's decision tree, and what I loved about it was it takes away the outside noise and any influence, because I'm quite susceptible to other people's ideas of what's best and sometimes you just have to admit like nobody else knows what's best for you other than yourself.
00:23:30.084 --> 00:23:46.032
So when I tried your decision tree at your talk, I had a moment of like wow, I know what I need to do now, and before that I'd be saying to Alan oh, I'm thinking of this, what's your opinion on it, you know?
00:23:46.032 --> 00:23:48.801
Or my mum oh, do you think this is a good idea?
00:23:48.801 --> 00:23:51.309
Yeah, I wasn't asking myself.
00:23:51.309 --> 00:23:55.278
So I think for the listeners, please try it.
00:23:55.278 --> 00:24:00.233
If you're in that position of I don't know, because you will know afterwards.
00:24:00.233 --> 00:24:12.343
And it's just great it has changed my life because that's my first point of call now, sit down with myself rather than talking to others you know.
00:24:12.403 --> 00:24:14.133
So if you also.
00:24:14.133 --> 00:24:20.557
I've always found like a rule of thumb if you ask five other people like about something, it generally means you should be doing it.
00:24:21.780 --> 00:24:23.585
Oh, that's a good point.
00:24:23.765 --> 00:24:25.694
Yeah, right, so you went to your partner.
00:24:25.694 --> 00:24:27.038
Then you went to your mom, right.
00:24:27.038 --> 00:24:29.211
Like how many other people did you go and find out?
00:24:29.211 --> 00:24:33.597
Like you're already talking about it, listen to yourself, right.
00:24:33.597 --> 00:24:51.971
But that's the thing we don't acknowledge ourselves enough because people pleases approval seekers, we look at others first, so we can't hear ourselves even talk about ourselves at all yeah so yeah, if you catch yourself, I've asked five people about this, oh my god.
00:24:51.971 --> 00:24:52.612
Well, guess what?
00:24:52.612 --> 00:24:57.238
Whatever you've just been asking them, go do it okay.
00:24:57.618 --> 00:24:59.721
So we're on the path, Lizzie.
00:24:59.721 --> 00:25:02.965
Oh, we're doing it, we've made the decision, we're going for it.
00:25:02.965 --> 00:25:21.797
What do we do when we hit the self-doubt, fear of judgment, imposter syndrome, all of them limiting beliefs that sort of appear out of nowhere, that you might have been hiding before, but now you've had the confidence to make that decision?
00:25:21.797 --> 00:25:34.022
I've found in my life, when that decisions been made, there's even a little bit of at the back of your mind where it's you have to push past it.
00:25:34.022 --> 00:25:42.218
So it's like that phrase of um, it's something like expansion is on the other side of your comfort zone.
00:25:42.218 --> 00:25:45.728
I don't know if if you know.
00:25:45.788 --> 00:25:47.112
I can't think of what that is either.
00:25:47.713 --> 00:26:06.035
It's basically, if I describe it as the picture, it's like a really big circle and then a little circle in the middle, and a little circle is your comfort zone, whereas if you manage to fight your way past that and it is so hard to do, all the doors open.
00:26:06.035 --> 00:26:09.280
You know, but you have to keep going to get to that.
00:26:09.280 --> 00:26:17.022
So how do we get through our fear of judgment, imposter syndrome, limiting beliefs?
00:26:18.391 --> 00:26:20.315
We'd have to have like a whole day on this one.
00:26:22.298 --> 00:26:23.080
I know it's huge.
00:26:23.682 --> 00:26:24.544
It's really huge.
00:26:24.544 --> 00:26:31.182
Number one is you need to have an incredible like self-belief and self-trust within yourself.
00:26:31.182 --> 00:26:35.680
To get over those thoughts is coming back to you.
00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:44.624
You need to stop giving everyone else like more of you than you are to yourself, if that makes sense.
00:26:44.624 --> 00:26:55.182
So the reason why we worry about what other people think is because we give them more of our energy, as opposed to giving that energy back to ourselves.
00:26:56.826 --> 00:27:06.497
So if you want to do something and you know, say, for example, like a really easy one, like I'm just going to go to the shops to get milk, that's a really simple thing.
00:27:06.497 --> 00:27:07.138
I'm just going to go.
00:27:07.138 --> 00:27:10.105
Do it right, like how, like, oh, no, what, if?
00:27:10.105 --> 00:27:12.853
What if the guy next door sees me going to get milk?
00:27:12.853 --> 00:27:16.218
Like it's, we don't think because we need it, we know it right.
00:27:16.218 --> 00:27:25.030
But when it's the unknown, yes, it's scary, oh, but you've set a boundary for this first time.
00:27:25.030 --> 00:27:35.179
Or you know you're gonna wear a new dress that you've never worn in a style before and everyone's like, oh, this is like a bit out there.
00:27:35.179 --> 00:27:37.182
You know like, so what?
00:27:37.182 --> 00:27:37.584
Right?
00:27:38.509 --> 00:27:41.836
We worry because we have this fear within us.
00:27:41.836 --> 00:27:49.713
Now, we all don't want to be cast out or seen as different in society.
00:27:49.713 --> 00:27:54.583
As human beings, we're designed to be with people, around people.
00:27:54.583 --> 00:27:56.346
We love connecting with people.
00:27:56.346 --> 00:28:05.563
So once upon a time, you know, if you were seen as different, you were pushed away, you, you no longer belonged.
00:28:05.563 --> 00:28:18.291
And so there's generational stuff within all of us of this whole fear of not belonging, because that means that we're different and that's not a safe place to be, because that's a weak link.
00:28:18.291 --> 00:28:21.578
You know, we need to conform, we need to be able to do this.
00:28:21.578 --> 00:28:26.336
So to get over that, we need to remember number one we have a choice now.
00:28:26.415 --> 00:28:30.051
Like when I think of my grandma she, she didn't vote until what?
00:28:30.051 --> 00:28:36.182
Like the 1980s, and when she did start voting, she got told who to vote for by her husband.
00:28:36.182 --> 00:28:42.140
Like what you know, here I am, I'm like, I can vote for whoever I want whenever I want.
00:28:42.140 --> 00:28:46.118
Like I'm good, like what a like world we live in now.
00:28:46.118 --> 00:28:46.941
But that's the thing.
00:28:46.941 --> 00:29:00.596
Like there was so much society pressure on us and you know we can still feel it today like we're being told what to do and what we should have all the time, but we don't listen to ourselves.
00:29:00.656 --> 00:29:16.044
So if you want to stop caring about what other people think, you need to care more about what you need and what you want, without looking at everyone else.
00:29:16.044 --> 00:29:20.958
Yeah, because you know I go hiking in the mountains.
00:29:20.958 --> 00:29:23.230
It's not for everybody, fyi.
00:29:23.230 --> 00:29:28.060
I also don't climb the tops of those mountains because that's also for some other people, that's not for me.
00:29:28.060 --> 00:29:29.002
I know that.
00:29:29.002 --> 00:29:30.255
I'm okay with that.
00:29:30.255 --> 00:29:37.022
I know what I'm capable of and what my quirks are and who I am.
00:29:37.022 --> 00:29:42.576
And if you know that and can trust and believe once again self-trust and self-belief here is key.
00:29:42.576 --> 00:29:43.861
You have that.
00:29:43.861 --> 00:29:51.559
You don't need to look for others, you don't need to seek validation, you don't need to check that that desire is right.
00:29:51.559 --> 00:29:55.118
And that comes back to being responsible.
00:29:55.118 --> 00:29:57.778
Do you know what you're responsible for in this lifetime?
00:29:59.511 --> 00:30:00.035
I think so.
00:30:03.010 --> 00:30:05.656
She's like maybe, maybe, yeah.
00:30:08.190 --> 00:30:15.463
So our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, that's it.
00:30:15.463 --> 00:30:21.611
Those are the things that we are actually in control of.
00:30:21.611 --> 00:30:29.479
So if you're worrying about how somebody else's opinion of you like, how is that in your control?
00:30:30.980 --> 00:30:32.481
Hmm, it's not at all.
00:30:32.481 --> 00:30:37.487
It's not with the people pleasing side of it.
00:30:37.487 --> 00:30:50.098
I realised that about myself at quite a young age, that I was a people pleaser, but because I was at such a young age I didn't know how to change it.
00:30:50.098 --> 00:30:52.963
So I didn't have many friends in school.
00:30:52.963 --> 00:30:58.335
Even primary school I was like I don't want to be here.
00:31:00.852 --> 00:31:09.750
And my parents sent me to a high school that my brother was already at and all of the people I knew from primary went to different high schools.
00:31:09.750 --> 00:31:17.874
So I was on my own and I think it kind of set me up for my experience of school, which was it was just horrible.
00:31:17.874 --> 00:31:21.522
I had a lot of bullying, I didn't have many friends.
00:31:21.522 --> 00:31:36.400
I felt quite confident when I started and then I lost all of that confidence throughout those years and you kind of think, oh, it's fine, because I just need to finish high school and then when I go to college it's gone, but then it stays with you.
00:31:36.420 --> 00:31:44.674
Yeah, which was a big surprise for me, because I thought I just need to get rid of these people and get out of this environment and I'll be fine.
00:31:44.674 --> 00:31:45.736
And it was not.
00:31:45.736 --> 00:31:47.656
Big shock.
00:31:47.656 --> 00:31:50.266
It was not the case.
00:31:50.266 --> 00:31:56.323
So I found that's where my people pleasing started, because I wanted to be liked.
00:31:56.323 --> 00:31:58.086
I wanted the bullying to stop.
00:31:58.086 --> 00:32:09.500
In hindsight it had the opposite effect, whereas you're then viewed as weak, almost for being like nice to people and being kind to people.
00:32:09.500 --> 00:32:24.368
So I just wondered if you could share your experience of people pleasing as well, because I think it's quite common and I think for anybody that's listening that may not, they may be aware or they may not be aware.
00:32:24.368 --> 00:32:30.430
I just think it might be helpful to share experiences of it, if that's okay.
00:32:31.071 --> 00:32:34.039
Yeah, first of all I just want to quickly speak on your experience.
00:32:34.701 --> 00:32:43.144
The most catastrophic like age for us to experience anything like this is actually between the ages of 7 and 12.
00:32:43.144 --> 00:32:51.666
So anything that happens to us in that those years is really amplified through the rest of our lives.
00:32:51.666 --> 00:32:54.757
It's a very sensitive time.
00:32:54.757 --> 00:32:58.425
So anyone's got kids like do look after your kids when they're in that age.
00:32:58.425 --> 00:33:03.585
Like it's a very unique time, like they're trying to really cement in who they are.
00:33:03.585 --> 00:33:20.560
So if there's that element of not belonging and not like that worry, like it is so felt and it is held on to, so like even though you might have five more years of high school to go through, you're like practicing behaviors that take you through the rest of your life.
00:33:20.621 --> 00:33:24.529
So, as a people pleaser myself yes, I didn't like high school either.
00:33:24.529 --> 00:33:25.881
I didn't really have friends.
00:33:25.881 --> 00:33:30.708
I just kind of like I don't know, just did my thing.
00:33:30.708 --> 00:33:36.021
But I made peace with the fact that I'm so different from everyone else.
00:33:36.021 --> 00:33:39.391
I've always been searching why am I so different from everyone else?
00:33:39.391 --> 00:33:44.771
At 35, I was diagnosed as the high functioning autistic and I was like, oh, that makes sense.
00:33:44.771 --> 00:33:56.825
But that was like 20 years like after I went through high school, but all I wanted was to feel like I belong, but at the same time I knew I was different.
00:33:56.825 --> 00:34:03.280
And so people pleasing shows up because we want to feel like we belong.
00:34:03.280 --> 00:34:11.164
We worry because if we don't belong we're then cast out and then we're alone and no one wants to be lonely.
00:34:11.164 --> 00:34:13.172
I think that's the scariest thing ever.
00:34:13.172 --> 00:34:18.547
So people pleasing looks like for those who are like am I a people pleaser?
00:34:18.547 --> 00:34:22.242
It looks like the fear of disappointing others.
00:34:22.242 --> 00:34:27.489
It's finding it hard to say no to somebody.
00:34:27.489 --> 00:34:29.813
It's avoiding conflict.
00:34:29.813 --> 00:34:33.030
It's seeking approval to validate yourself, your ideas or anything else.
00:34:33.030 --> 00:34:33.391
It's not conflict.
00:34:33.391 --> 00:34:35.219
It's seeking approval to validate yourself, your ideas or anything else.
00:34:35.219 --> 00:34:39.768
It's not setting boundaries, it's them first me, second.
00:34:39.768 --> 00:34:50.784
Always one of the things as an adult, the number one people pleasing thing was like I never took a sick day.
00:34:51.681 --> 00:35:01.833
I used to work three to four jobs and uni and all the stuff, and I never took a sick day unless, unless, unless I was completely bedridden, so like.
00:35:01.833 --> 00:35:06.880
Even if I like had like a vomit the night before and I still kind of felt all right the next day, I'd still go to work.
00:35:06.880 --> 00:35:07.201
Why?
00:35:07.201 --> 00:35:09.487
Because I didn't want to disappoint somebody.
00:35:09.487 --> 00:35:11.612
I didn't want to let my boss down.
00:35:11.612 --> 00:35:13.405
You know, stuff like that.
00:35:13.467 --> 00:35:17.527
Like that is what people pleasers do, because like we'll be fine, we'll be okay.
00:35:17.527 --> 00:35:19.851
No, you're not.
00:35:19.851 --> 00:35:20.532
You need a break.
00:35:20.532 --> 00:35:26.253
And it's okay to take a break because we don't see that we are worthy enough of that.
00:35:26.253 --> 00:35:40.172
And that's where I think, for a lot of people, people pleasing, like it's giving too much, it's not giving to yourself at all, and that's the thing too.
00:35:40.172 --> 00:35:53.932
Like I believe that everyone should be kind and you can do acts of love and kindness for people, but do it from a full heart, not one that's depleted or based on any fear whatsoever because that's the thing.
00:35:53.932 --> 00:35:58.697
If you're doing something because you're avoiding or fearful, that is people pleasing.
00:36:00.702 --> 00:36:02.467
It can be changed, can't it?
00:36:02.467 --> 00:36:04.766
You can work on it.
00:36:04.826 --> 00:36:05.750
Testimony to that.
00:36:07.760 --> 00:36:28.503
I'm at the point now where some people I still find myself struggling to say no to and it's generally like family and close, close friends where you feel like, oh, you know, I really want to, but I don't have time for that, so I'm gonna say no, but I still catch myself like this feels uncomfortable saying no to this person.
00:36:28.503 --> 00:36:30.867
I just hate that.
00:36:30.887 --> 00:36:32.007
Practice, my friend.
00:36:34.190 --> 00:36:34.530
I will.
00:36:34.650 --> 00:36:43.664
It does get easier and the thing is I find the hardest people to like practice is with our loved ones.
00:36:43.664 --> 00:36:46.190
Because they've come accustomed to how we've always been.
00:36:46.190 --> 00:36:50.659
So if we change our behaviour slightly, they're like oh, that's new.
00:36:50.659 --> 00:36:56.465
And you're like yeah, it is, but are you still gonna love me for like doing this thing?
00:36:56.465 --> 00:36:57.809
Like it's big.
00:36:58.572 --> 00:37:16.110
That's a really good point because I think the danger of people pleasing as well can be people just like it turns into like well, Steph will do it, yeah she'll do it just go to Steph and then you can't say no and then you end up with everyone else's stuff and you feel rubbish.
00:37:16.110 --> 00:37:18.273
So boundaries, people.
00:37:18.273 --> 00:37:19.635
We need boundaries.
00:37:19.994 --> 00:37:20.235
Yes.
00:37:20.295 --> 00:37:20.655
Yeah.
00:37:20.655 --> 00:37:25.963
So what's the most valuable lesson that you've learned in life?
00:37:25.963 --> 00:37:32.724
I know you've had huge moves and huge decisions, but what would you say is the most valuable lesson you've had?
00:37:34.266 --> 00:37:37.512
That mind and body need to work together in order to trust yourself.
00:37:37.512 --> 00:37:39.134
It's like an energetic dance.
00:37:39.134 --> 00:37:46.990
If you can master that and come to peace with that, I think anything is possible.
00:37:48.833 --> 00:37:50.115
I do agree, I do agree.
00:37:51.103 --> 00:37:56.864
Yeah, it's, it's big, and I think's the thing like my biggest leap of faith was moving our family over here.
00:37:56.864 --> 00:38:01.672
You know, I was just like no, this is it.
00:38:01.672 --> 00:38:05.952
This is happening, and ever since then I've been practicing more of that.
00:38:05.952 --> 00:38:09.963
I have another mantra you'll like actually as well "yes, please, more, thank you.
00:38:09.963 --> 00:38:13.471
So Scotland is the land of rainbows.
00:38:13.471 --> 00:38:13.831
Why?
00:38:13.831 --> 00:38:16.485
Because it rains a lot, so there's lots of rainbows.
00:38:16.485 --> 00:38:18.911
So whenever I see one, I'm like yes, please, more, thank you.
00:38:18.911 --> 00:38:22.811
When something good happens, I'm like yes, please, more, thank you.
00:38:22.811 --> 00:38:42.405
Like I'm focusing on those positive things when stuff happens, um, as opposed to all that worry and wasting energy on something that I don't want in my life and that took me to come to terms with my head and my heart together going okay, this is, this is how we operate as a human.
00:38:42.686 --> 00:38:49.724
You know both of these pieces and sometimes it's safe to worry, because we do need to worry sometimes about certain things.
00:38:49.724 --> 00:38:54.153
But then like, how much of your energy are you going to give that?
00:38:54.153 --> 00:38:56.164
How many days does that need?
00:38:56.164 --> 00:38:57.487
Is it one day, two days?
00:38:57.487 --> 00:38:59.250
Can we park it?
00:38:59.250 --> 00:39:02.661
Is that somebody else's responsibility, not yours?
00:39:09.349 --> 00:39:09.748
Okay.
00:39:09.748 --> 00:39:23.768
So I know a lot of people struggle when they're working towards the goals for, like, numerous things that we've spoken about as well, and, like you get past that decision and then you hit all the other things that pop into your mind.
00:39:23.768 --> 00:39:27.719
So how do we go about achieving our goals in 2025?
00:39:29.204 --> 00:39:33.335
It's the doing like the hardest thing for all of us is the doing so.
00:39:33.335 --> 00:39:35.742
We can write that to-do list, but it's the doing.
00:39:35.742 --> 00:39:52.648
Um and yes, stuff comes up in our head and I almost want to stop us, but it's the doing so, and we don't like this word, and much at all is self-discipline, and I think if you're wanting to, like, reach your goals for this year, choose one.
00:39:52.648 --> 00:39:55.302
Don't start with like the 10 of them.
00:39:55.302 --> 00:40:01.436
Start with one and increment like small daily changes.
00:40:01.436 --> 00:40:02.659
That's all that's required.
00:40:02.659 --> 00:40:09.190
So say, for example, this year I am going to start my yoga practice again.
00:40:09.190 --> 00:40:13.005
It has been so all over the place since I've had kids.
00:40:13.005 --> 00:40:17.887
Prior to that, I was a weekly, three times a week yoga person.
00:40:17.887 --> 00:40:24.302
Now I'm like five minutes, 10, maybe on a Tuesday next month.
00:40:24.302 --> 00:40:30.469
Yeah, 2025, no, me and yoga are going to become best friends again.
00:40:31.170 --> 00:40:42.871
But the thing is, my expectations on this isn't to be doing yoga for an hour once a week, it's how do I bring this into my fruition of my life?
00:40:42.871 --> 00:40:47.663
You know, and if that means I am going to be starting with 10 minutes, am I going to do it?
00:40:47.663 --> 00:40:48.425
10 minutes a day?
00:40:48.425 --> 00:40:58.786
Yeah, probably 10 minutes a day is enough to start with, you know, just so I get back into the habit of showing up on the mat, as they say, it's a practice.
00:40:58.786 --> 00:41:05.985
So if your big goal I don't know, even if it's to go on a holiday, right, like you know, you need to save money.
00:41:05.985 --> 00:41:06.969
How are you going to do it?
00:41:06.969 --> 00:41:11.887
Baby steps break it down into smaller, bite-sized chunks.
00:41:12.028 --> 00:41:16.586
And I think the other thing too, for a lot of us is we lose focus on our goals.
00:41:16.586 --> 00:41:28.175
So if you're focusing on your goal, you'll make it happen, but you need to focus your energy on it, if that makes sense, yeah.
00:41:28.175 --> 00:41:32.961
So if mine's a yoga practice, I'm gonna be pretty much focusing on yoga for a while.
00:41:32.961 --> 00:41:38.447
Might be a bit weird, but it's uncomfortable.
00:41:38.447 --> 00:41:40.047
I kind of know it from the past.
00:41:40.047 --> 00:41:41.909
But this is a new era of Liz.
00:41:41.909 --> 00:41:43.451
I've had two kids since then.
00:41:43.451 --> 00:41:47.333
You know there's different shapes and stuff you know I've got to deal with.
00:41:47.333 --> 00:41:49.715
That's how this is.
00:41:49.715 --> 00:41:56.644
This is a new way of doing yoga, so I have to come in it with a new energy.
00:41:56.684 --> 00:41:58.791
So stick at it and don't overwhelm yourself.
00:42:00.384 --> 00:42:01.025
No overwhelm.
00:42:01.025 --> 00:42:03.092
That's the thing like the smaller the better.
00:42:03.092 --> 00:42:08.389
That's the thing like I think we all have these great ideas and like I don't know.
00:42:08.389 --> 00:42:11.340
It depends on what you're into that you know.
00:42:11.340 --> 00:42:12.103
Like I'm gonna climb.
00:42:12.103 --> 00:42:20.342
Like I don't know what's the big mountain I can't think of, we've got Ben Navis here, by the way, but I'm like even I'm not aiming that high, but there's bigger ones.
00:42:20.342 --> 00:42:27.802
Um, you know, if that's your goal, like it takes practice to get to that height, right?
00:42:27.802 --> 00:42:31.748
So how do you break it down into smaller bits?
00:42:31.748 --> 00:42:36.516
So you're getting used to having the thing, but you're practicing it.
00:42:37.601 --> 00:42:39.869
And how can people find you and work with you, Lizzie?
00:42:41.181 --> 00:42:42.907
Come and hang out with me on Instagram.
00:42:42.907 --> 00:42:46.860
I love a sneaky DM and a question in Instagram.
00:42:46.860 --> 00:42:54.106
So it's Lizzie_ Moult on Instagram, or you can find me over my website, www.
00:42:54.106 --> 00:42:54.106
lizziemoult.
00:42:54.106 --> 00:42:59.342
com.
00:42:59.362 --> 00:43:01.487
Thank you so much for coming on the podcast, Lizzie.
00:43:01.487 --> 00:43:03.893
I have thoroughly enjoyed having you here.
00:43:03.893 --> 00:43:08.050
So thank you so much and if you would like to work with Lizzie, please do reach out to her.
00:43:08.050 --> 00:43:12.396
I will link all of her socials in the show notes and thank you again for listening.
00:43:12.396 --> 00:43:18.844
You can follow me on instagram at Tranquil Topics and please rate, review and subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening from.
00:43:18.844 --> 00:43:22.699
Thanks, and I will see you in two weeks time with another episode.
00:43:22.699 --> 00:43:56.284
Bye, thank you.
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