WEBVTT
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Welcome to toddlers made easy.
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I'm Dr.
00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:12.560
Catherine, your host, and today I'm answering questions from listeners.
00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:20.000
One of them is about sleep challenges, and it's packed with big-hearted, practical tips that you can use right away.
00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:27.679
You see, sleep is not a one and done issue, so I'd recommend listening, even if sleep is going smoothly right now.
00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:31.280
And the other question is about a child throwing toys.
00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:34.719
So let's dive right in, and here's the first question.
00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:39.600
This is from a lovely father of a three and a half-year-old young boy.
00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:40.560
Hi, Dr.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:41.439
Catherine.
00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.880
My three and a half year old has always been a great sleeper.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:48.960
He used to fall asleep independently with no issues whatsoever.
00:00:49.200 --> 00:00:57.280
But over the past few weeks, bedtime has turned into constant delays, bathroom trips, water requests, one more song.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:02.880
I now spend 45 minutes in his room and I sneak out after he falls asleep.
00:01:03.119 --> 00:01:06.560
He's also crying at bedtime and climbing out of his crib.
00:01:06.879 --> 00:01:11.439
We recently dropped naps after he started fighting them over Christmas break.
00:01:11.599 --> 00:01:13.359
There's also been a lot of changes.
00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:17.439
There's been some disruption to his routine, he's dropped the naps.
00:01:17.680 --> 00:01:25.519
We're thinking about moving to a big boy bed, there's a new baby coming in June, and he's starting kindergarten in a few months.
00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:28.799
Now I'm wondering if all of this is affecting his sleep.
00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:36.079
I know we probably need to transition to a bed since he's climbing out of his crib, but I'm really worried that this will make things worse.
00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:39.519
How do I make bedtime feel calm and secure again?
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:41.599
And what should our next step be?
00:01:41.840 --> 00:01:44.239
Well, thank you so much for this question.
00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:57.680
So many families go through this exact phase and it can feel so confusing, especially when a child was sleeping beautifully, and then all of a sudden for no obvious reason, he or she starts struggling.
00:01:58.239 --> 00:02:00.719
First, safety is always the priority.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:05.519
So if your child is climbing out of the crib, it really is time to move to a bed.
00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:11.439
And yes, you're completely right, sleep may temporarily worsen because of the change.
00:02:11.759 --> 00:02:14.319
But safety is number one.
00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:17.199
Next, let's talk about timing.
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:23.439
You mentioned that your son has dropped naps, so you have to wonder, maybe he's overtired.
00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:28.960
You see, when a child gets overtired, bedtime often gets harder and longer.
00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:38.400
Most children this age do best with a bedtime between 7 30 and 8 30 p.m., and they should be waking naturally between 6 and 8 AM.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.919
So for three days, I'd simply watch your child.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:44.800
What time does he actually fall asleep?
00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:47.199
Also note what time does he wake up?
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:51.199
Now if it turns out he's falling asleep before 9 p.m.
00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:57.360
and waking up on his own, try setting bedtime closer to his natural sleep time.
00:02:57.599 --> 00:03:03.840
So whatever time he is falling asleep, I'd start your bedtime routine about 30 minutes before that.
00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:12.240
If he's falling asleep after 9, well, he may be getting a second win, which means bedtime should be a little earlier.
00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:14.479
Let's talk about connection.
00:03:14.719 --> 00:03:22.159
It sounds like your son already has strong, independent sleep skills, so we don't really need to start from scratch.
00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:24.560
I'd think of this more of a tune-up.
00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:31.680
So sit down with your son during the day and say something like, let's make a new bedtime plan together.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:36.080
What would you like in your bedtime routine before I leave the room?
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:38.479
And then be clear and loving.
00:03:38.719 --> 00:03:47.439
Starting tonight, we're going to use our new bedtime routine, and I'm going to ask you once if there's anything you need before I leave the room.
00:03:47.759 --> 00:03:54.719
So that will be your chance to say, I need another hug, I need to go pee, I need a drink of water.
00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.840
After that, it's time to stay in bed.
00:03:58.080 --> 00:04:00.479
And then here's a really important point.
00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:07.199
You want to help your child feel seen by saying, I know you miss me after I say goodnight.
00:04:07.439 --> 00:04:09.120
I miss you too, sweetheart.
00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:12.080
We miss each other because we love each other.
00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:16.560
But we're still connected even when we can't see each other.
00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:26.879
To really reinforce this point during the day, I'd read a book like The Invisible String, and that reinforces the idea of connection.
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:33.519
You might also consider putting up family photos in the room so your child can look at them when he's awake.
00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:36.399
You know, on the wall, I don't mean in his hands.
00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:44.399
And then comes a really powerful strategy that you're going to teach your child to use after you leave the room.
00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:47.759
So you want to begin by introducing a stuffed animal.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:49.279
Do this in the daytime.
00:04:49.759 --> 00:04:53.360
I suggest looking for one that just looks a little sad.
00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:58.240
Then you want to give it a backstory and say, This is Teddy.
00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:05.680
He's three and a half years old just like you, and he really misses his best friend, especially at night.
00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:12.160
So tell your child that Teddy needs extra hugs at bedtime to feel brave and strong.
00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:18.000
So when you leave the room, your child now has a job to help the stuffed animal feel better.
00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:30.800
And that shift from I need mummy to I'm helping someone else can be incredibly empowering and regulating, especially because kids are naturally kind and loving.
00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:47.360
So again, you want to pick a stuffed animal that looks a little bit sad, develop a little story around the stuffed animal and why he's a little sad, and then encourage your child to hug and talk to Teddy to help him feel better.
00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:58.399
In fact, I'd start your bedtime routine by tucking in Teddy, and I'd also have your child practice giving Teddy comfort during the daytime.
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:08.639
Now, if this big heart approach is a good fit for you and it interests you, you'll find other resources in today's show notes.
00:06:09.040 --> 00:06:11.360
Let's move on to the next question.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:16.079
And the question is basically why is my toddler throwing everything?
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Dr.
00:06:16.959 --> 00:06:22.480
Catherine, my twenty one month old has started throwing things like books and toys in her shoes.
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Is that normal?
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And how should I respond when it happens?
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Our little guy is kind most of the time, but lately we're having some really tough behavior, especially the throwing.
00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:38.879
He throws toys and food and sometimes at us and sometimes at our dogs.
00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:44.240
It seems like the throwing mostly happens around us, his parents, or our pets.
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Sometimes it's frustration driven, like when he doesn't get what he wants.
00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:52.879
He'll throw something across the room, hit the floor, or even hit his own head.
00:06:53.120 --> 00:06:56.399
Occasionally he even hits me, which is really worrying me.
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I'm nervous it's going to get worse.
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Other times he throws when he's playing, he'll even laugh about it like tossing a ball at my face or hurling toys at the cat.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:11.680
We gently remind him to be kind to animals and that throwing hurts, but sometimes he just laughs and does it again.
00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:16.399
We're unsure how to respond when these aggressive play moments happen.
00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:22.000
We're trying to stay calm, set clear boundaries, and protect everyone, but it's really hard.
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We'd love some help understanding what's going on developmentally and what we can do to respond in a loving but firm way.
00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:35.120
This is a fantastic question, and it sounds like you're already doing lots of right things.
00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:37.040
So thank you for sharing it.
00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:44.639
First of all, hitting, biting, and throwing things are very common at this age, and for very good reason.
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:56.240
Now forgive me for repeating what you probably already know, but toddlers don't have the words to express their feelings, and they also haven't yet developed impulse control.
00:07:56.720 --> 00:08:01.600
So while this looks like misbehavior, immaturity is a better description.
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Now no matter what we call it, kids still need to learn to manage these feelings in less destructive ways.
00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:18.639
But here's the thing, when we interpret this behavior as immaturity, we're more likely to manage it with guidance and teaching, which is what's needed, not punishment.
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This is what I call a big hearted interpretation.
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A huge benefit of a big-hearted interpretation is that when we use one, it's easier to stay calm because you realize your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.
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And honestly, they're just doing the best they can with the resources they have.
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And when you stay calm, you're going to be much better at making this happen less often.
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You see, kids love to feel powerful and they love a big response from you.
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So the calmer you can handle things, the less likely it is to keep happening.
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So the first step, as I mentioned, is to recognize aggressive behavior is immaturity.
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But first, we need to make sure safety is the priority.
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So safety always comes first.
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And I would say something like, I'm gonna move you over here so no one gets hurt, or you're angry because your brother grabbed the toy from you.
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I get it, and it's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to throw things.
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I know some people like to say, I won't let you hit, or I won't let you throw toys.
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I prefer not to use that approach because I find for some kids that comment is like a challenge and causes an even bigger reaction, like, oh yeah, you're not gonna let me?
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Let's see.
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Now, there are ways to help your child manage these difficult feelings, and one of them, a very important one, is to find a more appropriate outlet for the big feelings, like throwing a ball outside, or using a toy that involves hammering, or playing the drums, but some way to get that feeling out.
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Then later, when everyone is calm, that's when you can teach your child the skills that they're lacking.
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You would say something like, Remember when you got so upset when your brother grabbed that toy out of your hand?
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Well, instead of throwing the truck, next time tell your brother, no, I'm playing with the toy now.
00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:34.159
If you're feeling angry, you can try taking deep breaths like you're blowing out a candle.
00:10:34.399 --> 00:10:38.960
And a good thing to do at this point is to actually do what I'd call a redo.
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Give your child another chance to replay the same situation with a different ending.
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And lastly, some kids just need more support.
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Even though we say and do all the right things, all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are.
00:10:55.360 --> 00:11:01.120
Well, they still aren't able to talk themselves down, nor do they have impulse control.
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So parents often think that there's a secret discipline strategy that will stop the aggression.
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But honestly, there isn't.
00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:14.399
It's development, it's immaturity, it's time, as well as the right approach.
00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:17.840
But some kids they just need more supervision.
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Some kids need you to stay close when it looks like they're getting worked up.
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Unfortunately, I know that's not always possible, especially when the behavior's happening at daycare.
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But at the very least, we need to understand that a child can't think logically and has no off button or impulse control.
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So remember, we're talking about young kids here, not older ones.
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This is discipline designed for young kids.
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You see, what works at age four is not the same thing that works at age fourteen.
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I hope you found this helpful.
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Thank you for listening.
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Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
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Welcome to toddlers made easy.
00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:08.160
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:12.560
Catherine, your host, and today I'm answering questions from listeners.
00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:20.000
One of them is about sleep challenges, and it's packed with big-hearted, practical tips that you can use right away.
00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:27.679
You see, sleep is not a one and done issue, so I'd recommend listening, even if sleep is going smoothly right now.
00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:31.280
And the other question is about a child throwing toys.
00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:34.719
So let's dive right in, and here's the first question.
00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:39.600
This is from a lovely father of a three and a half-year-old young boy.
00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:40.560
Hi, Dr.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:41.439
Catherine.
00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.880
My three and a half year old has always been a great sleeper.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:48.960
He used to fall asleep independently with no issues whatsoever.
00:00:49.200 --> 00:00:57.280
But over the past few weeks, bedtime has turned into constant delays, bathroom trips, water requests, one more song.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:02.880
I now spend 45 minutes in his room and I sneak out after he falls asleep.
00:01:03.119 --> 00:01:06.560
He's also crying at bedtime and climbing out of his crib.
00:01:06.879 --> 00:01:11.439
We recently dropped naps after he started fighting them over Christmas break.
00:01:11.599 --> 00:01:13.359
There's also been a lot of changes.
00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:17.439
There's been some disruption to his routine, he's dropped the naps.
00:01:17.680 --> 00:01:25.519
We're thinking about moving to a big boy bed, there's a new baby coming in June, and he's starting kindergarten in a few months.
00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:28.799
Now I'm wondering if all of this is affecting his sleep.
00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:36.079
I know we probably need to transition to a bed since he's climbing out of his crib, but I'm really worried that this will make things worse.
00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:39.519
How do I make bedtime feel calm and secure again?
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:41.599
And what should our next step be?
00:01:41.840 --> 00:01:44.239
Well, thank you so much for this question.
00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:57.680
So many families go through this exact phase and it can feel so confusing, especially when a child was sleeping beautifully, and then all of a sudden for no obvious reason, he or she starts struggling.
00:01:58.239 --> 00:02:00.719
First, safety is always the priority.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:05.519
So if your child is climbing out of the crib, it really is time to move to a bed.
00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:11.439
And yes, you're completely right, sleep may temporarily worsen because of the change.
00:02:11.759 --> 00:02:14.319
But safety is number one.
00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:17.199
Next, let's talk about timing.
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:23.439
You mentioned that your son has dropped naps, so you have to wonder, maybe he's overtired.
00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:28.960
You see, when a child gets overtired, bedtime often gets harder and longer.
00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:38.400
Most children this age do best with a bedtime between 7 30 and 8 30 p.m., and they should be waking naturally between 6 and 8 AM.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.919
So for three days, I'd simply watch your child.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:44.800
What time does he actually fall asleep?
00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:47.199
Also note what time does he wake up?
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:51.199
Now if it turns out he's falling asleep before 9 p.m.
00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:57.360
and waking up on his own, try setting bedtime closer to his natural sleep time.
00:02:57.599 --> 00:03:03.840
So whatever time he is falling asleep, I'd start your bedtime routine about 30 minutes before that.
00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:12.240
If he's falling asleep after 9, well, he may be getting a second win, which means bedtime should be a little earlier.
00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:14.479
Let's talk about connection.
00:03:14.719 --> 00:03:22.159
It sounds like your son already has strong, independent sleep skills, so we don't really need to start from scratch.
00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:24.560
I'd think of this more of a tune-up.
00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:31.680
So sit down with your son during the day and say something like, let's make a new bedtime plan together.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:36.080
What would you like in your bedtime routine before I leave the room?
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:38.479
And then be clear and loving.
00:03:38.719 --> 00:03:47.439
Starting tonight, we're going to use our new bedtime routine, and I'm going to ask you once if there's anything you need before I leave the room.
00:03:47.759 --> 00:03:54.719
So that will be your chance to say, I need another hug, I need to go pee, I need a drink of water.
00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:57.840
After that, it's time to stay in bed.
00:03:58.080 --> 00:04:00.479
And then here's a really important point.
00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:07.199
You want to help your child feel seen by saying, I know you miss me after I say goodnight.
00:04:07.439 --> 00:04:09.120
I miss you too, sweetheart.
00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:12.080
We miss each other because we love each other.
00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:16.560
But we're still connected even when we can't see each other.
00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:26.879
To really reinforce this point during the day, I'd read a book like The Invisible String, and that reinforces the idea of connection.
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:33.519
You might also consider putting up family photos in the room so your child can look at them when he's awake.
00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:36.399
You know, on the wall, I don't mean in his hands.
00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:44.399
And then comes a really powerful strategy that you're going to teach your child to use after you leave the room.
00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:47.759
So you want to begin by introducing a stuffed animal.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:49.279
Do this in the daytime.
00:04:49.759 --> 00:04:53.360
I suggest looking for one that just looks a little sad.
00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:58.240
Then you want to give it a backstory and say, This is Teddy.
00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:05.680
He's three and a half years old just like you, and he really misses his best friend, especially at night.
00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:12.160
So tell your child that Teddy needs extra hugs at bedtime to feel brave and strong.
00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:18.000
So when you leave the room, your child now has a job to help the stuffed animal feel better.
00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:30.800
And that shift from I need mummy to I'm helping someone else can be incredibly empowering and regulating, especially because kids are naturally kind and loving.
00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:47.360
So again, you want to pick a stuffed animal that looks a little bit sad, develop a little story around the stuffed animal and why he's a little sad, and then encourage your child to hug and talk to Teddy to help him feel better.
00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:58.399
In fact, I'd start your bedtime routine by tucking in Teddy, and I'd also have your child practice giving Teddy comfort during the daytime.
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:08.639
Now, if this big heart approach is a good fit for you and it interests you, you'll find other resources in today's show notes.
00:06:09.040 --> 00:06:11.360
Let's move on to the next question.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:16.079
And the question is basically why is my toddler throwing everything?
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:16.720
Dr.
00:06:16.959 --> 00:06:22.480
Catherine, my twenty one month old has started throwing things like books and toys in her shoes.
00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:23.839
Is that normal?
00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:26.720
And how should I respond when it happens?
00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:34.240
Our little guy is kind most of the time, but lately we're having some really tough behavior, especially the throwing.
00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:38.879
He throws toys and food and sometimes at us and sometimes at our dogs.
00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:44.240
It seems like the throwing mostly happens around us, his parents, or our pets.
00:06:44.399 --> 00:06:48.319
Sometimes it's frustration driven, like when he doesn't get what he wants.
00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:52.879
He'll throw something across the room, hit the floor, or even hit his own head.
00:06:53.120 --> 00:06:56.399
Occasionally he even hits me, which is really worrying me.
00:06:56.560 --> 00:06:58.560
I'm nervous it's going to get worse.
00:06:58.800 --> 00:07:04.879
Other times he throws when he's playing, he'll even laugh about it like tossing a ball at my face or hurling toys at the cat.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:11.680
We gently remind him to be kind to animals and that throwing hurts, but sometimes he just laughs and does it again.
00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:16.399
We're unsure how to respond when these aggressive play moments happen.
00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:22.000
We're trying to stay calm, set clear boundaries, and protect everyone, but it's really hard.
00:07:22.160 --> 00:07:29.439
We'd love some help understanding what's going on developmentally and what we can do to respond in a loving but firm way.
00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:35.120
This is a fantastic question, and it sounds like you're already doing lots of right things.
00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:37.040
So thank you for sharing it.
00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:44.639
First of all, hitting, biting, and throwing things are very common at this age, and for very good reason.
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:56.240
Now forgive me for repeating what you probably already know, but toddlers don't have the words to express their feelings, and they also haven't yet developed impulse control.
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So while this looks like misbehavior, immaturity is a better description.
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Now no matter what we call it, kids still need to learn to manage these feelings in less destructive ways.
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But here's the thing, when we interpret this behavior as immaturity, we're more likely to manage it with guidance and teaching, which is what's needed, not punishment.
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This is what I call a big hearted interpretation.
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A huge benefit of a big-hearted interpretation is that when we use one, it's easier to stay calm because you realize your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.
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And honestly, they're just doing the best they can with the resources they have.
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And when you stay calm, you're going to be much better at making this happen less often.
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You see, kids love to feel powerful and they love a big response from you.
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So the calmer you can handle things, the less likely it is to keep happening.
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So the first step, as I mentioned, is to recognize aggressive behavior is immaturity.
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But first, we need to make sure safety is the priority.
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So safety always comes first.
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And I would say something like, I'm gonna move you over here so no one gets hurt, or you're angry because your brother grabbed the toy from you.
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I get it, and it's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to throw things.
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I know some people like to say, I won't let you hit, or I won't let you throw toys.
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I prefer not to use that approach because I find for some kids that comment is like a challenge and causes an even bigger reaction, like, oh yeah, you're not gonna let me?
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Let's see.
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Now, there are ways to help your child manage these difficult feelings, and one of them, a very important one, is to find a more appropriate outlet for the big feelings, like throwing a ball outside, or using a toy that involves hammering, or playing the drums, but some way to get that feeling out.
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Then later, when everyone is calm, that's when you can teach your child the skills that they're lacking.
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You would say something like, Remember when you got so upset when your brother grabbed that toy out of your hand?
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Well, instead of throwing the truck, next time tell your brother, no, I'm playing with the toy now.
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If you're feeling angry, you can try taking deep breaths like you're blowing out a candle.
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And a good thing to do at this point is to actually do what I'd call a redo.
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Give your child another chance to replay the same situation with a different ending.
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And lastly, some kids just need more support.
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Even though we say and do all the right things, all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are.
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Well, they still aren't able to talk themselves down, nor do they have impulse control.
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So parents often think that there's a secret discipline strategy that will stop the aggression.
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But honestly, there isn't.
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It's development, it's immaturity, it's time, as well as the right approach.
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But some kids they just need more supervision.
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Some kids need you to stay close when it looks like they're getting worked up.
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Unfortunately, I know that's not always possible, especially when the behavior's happening at daycare.
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But at the very least, we need to understand that a child can't think logically and has no off button or impulse control.
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So remember, we're talking about young kids here, not older ones.
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This is discipline designed for young kids.
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You see, what works at age four is not the same thing that works at age fourteen.
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I hope you found this helpful.
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Thank you for listening.
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Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
