WEBVTT
00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:07.040
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:07.839
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:09.359
Catherine, your host.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:19.600
Today I want to talk to you about something that I genuinely believe is one of the most important tools a parent can have, and it's called the 5-1 rule.
00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:24.000
Now, I've been recommending highlighting good behavior for a long time now.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:25.600
It's not a new idea.
00:00:25.760 --> 00:00:29.359
I've talked about gossiping with stuffed animals to do this.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:33.520
But when I came across this actual ratio, something really clicked.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:40.719
Because noticing the good is one thing, but having a number, well that's what turns a good intention into a real habit.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:42.479
So let's dig into it.
00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:49.840
The 5'1 rule comes from the psychologist John Gottman, who originally studied it with marriages.
00:00:50.079 --> 00:00:57.600
His research found that relationships that last have roughly five positive interactions for every negative one.
00:00:57.759 --> 00:01:01.119
So that's five deposits for every withdrawal.
00:01:01.359 --> 00:01:09.120
And while he was studying couples, the principle mapped directly into parenting, because the core mechanics are the same.
00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:12.079
Connection first, correction second.
00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:15.200
And here's the thing that really resonated with me.
00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:19.200
Our relationships with our kids, they're like a bank account.
00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:27.920
We need to make consistent deposits, like praise and warmth and quality time and noticing all the good things these kids do.
00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:34.719
So that when we do need to make a withdrawal, a correction, a reprimand, there's something in the account.
00:01:34.879 --> 00:01:40.959
In other words, the relationship, the connection, the bond is strong enough to manage it.
00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:49.760
And when there isn't enough in the account, that's when you start seeing more power struggles, more pushback, and that's when kids stop listening.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:56.799
Not because they're misbehaving, but because the relationship doesn't feel safe enough to receive a correction well.
00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:01.439
Highlighting good behavior is about noticing the things that are going right.
00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:06.640
For instance, your kid let her sibling have the last snack without being asked.
00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:09.199
That's when you notice and you say something.
00:02:09.439 --> 00:02:13.280
Your toddler shares a toy, acknowledge it and say something.
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:18.080
Your toddler tried to put her shoes on herself, even though she got them wrong.
00:02:18.400 --> 00:02:20.479
Again, notice it and say something.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:25.039
And by notice it, I mean just a quick comment like, nice work putting on your shoes.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:30.479
Our brains are wired to notice problems and threats before positive moments.
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:36.000
So the 5-1 rule, it helps you shine a light on something worth noticing.
00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:40.319
It's about counteracting something our brains do automatically.
00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:45.840
We have to be deliberate about the good stuff, because our brains won't do this for us.
00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:53.759
Now let's talk about what this actually does for kids, because it goes way deeper than just a better mood at the dinner table.
00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:57.840
The way we talk to our kids now, it becomes their inner voice.
00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:05.599
If what they hear most is criticism, even well-meaning criticism, that's the voice they carry into adulthood.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:13.840
The one that tells them they're not enough, the one that tells them mistakes are catastrophic or that love is conditional on performance.
00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:18.400
But when positive attention is the norm, kids develop resilience.
00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:25.599
They can handle mistakes because they have a foundation that says I'm loved for who I am, not just what I do.
00:03:25.759 --> 00:03:27.280
And that's massive.
00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:35.919
But studies show that when kids who grow up with this kind of parenting, well, they actually learn to do the right thing even when no one is watching.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:39.280
They're not behaving just to avoid punishment.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:42.639
Here's how I'd like to encourage you to start using this.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:45.199
Don't keep a tally, that's not the point.
00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:47.039
It'll drive you insane, in fact.
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:53.120
Instead, just midday check in with yourself and say, is warmth outweighing correction today?
00:03:53.360 --> 00:03:56.240
If the answer is no, well, some days are going to be like that.
00:03:56.319 --> 00:03:57.360
That's real life.
00:03:57.599 --> 00:04:02.240
But you have more time, lots more time to try and work on the balance.
00:04:02.479 --> 00:04:06.400
Then tomorrow you look for one or two more moments to call out the good.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:07.439
And that's it.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:15.280
It's small, intentional, consistent noticing and acknowledging those lovely little things our kids do.
00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:30.319
If you've been in a season of a lot of corrections, maybe there's been a big behavior stuff happening or a stress in the house, or it's just the grind of daily life, start smaller, one positive piece of feedback a day, and increase over time.
00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:35.920
The goal isn't trying to be a perfect parent, it's just trying to tip the balance.
00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:43.519
Now, if you found this helpful and you're looking for more support like this, check out the other resources we have in the show notes.
00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:49.680
For instance, my new potty training made easy program, which is from diapers to dry in 30 days.
00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:53.279
We have live Q ⁇ A's, daily emails, a Dr.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.959
Catherine chatbot, short, easy videos.
00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:00.560
Because I want to support you through every bump and turn.
00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:02.959
You don't have to do this alone.
00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:06.399
Keep up the good work and have a great week.
00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:07.040
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:07.839
I'm Dr.
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:09.359
Catherine, your host.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:19.600
Today I want to talk to you about something that I genuinely believe is one of the most important tools a parent can have, and it's called the 5-1 rule.
00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:24.000
Now, I've been recommending highlighting good behavior for a long time now.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:25.600
It's not a new idea.
00:00:25.760 --> 00:00:29.359
I've talked about gossiping with stuffed animals to do this.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:33.520
But when I came across this actual ratio, something really clicked.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:40.719
Because noticing the good is one thing, but having a number, well that's what turns a good intention into a real habit.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:42.479
So let's dig into it.
00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:49.840
The 5'1 rule comes from the psychologist John Gottman, who originally studied it with marriages.
00:00:50.079 --> 00:00:57.600
His research found that relationships that last have roughly five positive interactions for every negative one.
00:00:57.759 --> 00:01:01.119
So that's five deposits for every withdrawal.
00:01:01.359 --> 00:01:09.120
And while he was studying couples, the principle mapped directly into parenting, because the core mechanics are the same.
00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:12.079
Connection first, correction second.
00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:15.200
And here's the thing that really resonated with me.
00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:19.200
Our relationships with our kids, they're like a bank account.
00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:27.920
We need to make consistent deposits, like praise and warmth and quality time and noticing all the good things these kids do.
00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:34.719
So that when we do need to make a withdrawal, a correction, a reprimand, there's something in the account.
00:01:34.879 --> 00:01:40.959
In other words, the relationship, the connection, the bond is strong enough to manage it.
00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:49.760
And when there isn't enough in the account, that's when you start seeing more power struggles, more pushback, and that's when kids stop listening.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:56.799
Not because they're misbehaving, but because the relationship doesn't feel safe enough to receive a correction well.
00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:01.439
Highlighting good behavior is about noticing the things that are going right.
00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:06.640
For instance, your kid let her sibling have the last snack without being asked.
00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:09.199
That's when you notice and you say something.
00:02:09.439 --> 00:02:13.280
Your toddler shares a toy, acknowledge it and say something.
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:18.080
Your toddler tried to put her shoes on herself, even though she got them wrong.
00:02:18.400 --> 00:02:20.479
Again, notice it and say something.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:25.039
And by notice it, I mean just a quick comment like, nice work putting on your shoes.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:30.479
Our brains are wired to notice problems and threats before positive moments.
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:36.000
So the 5-1 rule, it helps you shine a light on something worth noticing.
00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:40.319
It's about counteracting something our brains do automatically.
00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:45.840
We have to be deliberate about the good stuff, because our brains won't do this for us.
00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:53.759
Now let's talk about what this actually does for kids, because it goes way deeper than just a better mood at the dinner table.
00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:57.840
The way we talk to our kids now, it becomes their inner voice.
00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:05.599
If what they hear most is criticism, even well-meaning criticism, that's the voice they carry into adulthood.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:13.840
The one that tells them they're not enough, the one that tells them mistakes are catastrophic or that love is conditional on performance.
00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:18.400
But when positive attention is the norm, kids develop resilience.
00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:25.599
They can handle mistakes because they have a foundation that says I'm loved for who I am, not just what I do.
00:03:25.759 --> 00:03:27.280
And that's massive.
00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:35.919
But studies show that when kids who grow up with this kind of parenting, well, they actually learn to do the right thing even when no one is watching.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:39.280
They're not behaving just to avoid punishment.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:42.639
Here's how I'd like to encourage you to start using this.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:45.199
Don't keep a tally, that's not the point.
00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:47.039
It'll drive you insane, in fact.
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:53.120
Instead, just midday check in with yourself and say, is warmth outweighing correction today?
00:03:53.360 --> 00:03:56.240
If the answer is no, well, some days are going to be like that.
00:03:56.319 --> 00:03:57.360
That's real life.
00:03:57.599 --> 00:04:02.240
But you have more time, lots more time to try and work on the balance.
00:04:02.479 --> 00:04:06.400
Then tomorrow you look for one or two more moments to call out the good.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:07.439
And that's it.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:15.280
It's small, intentional, consistent noticing and acknowledging those lovely little things our kids do.
00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:30.319
If you've been in a season of a lot of corrections, maybe there's been a big behavior stuff happening or a stress in the house, or it's just the grind of daily life, start smaller, one positive piece of feedback a day, and increase over time.
00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:35.920
The goal isn't trying to be a perfect parent, it's just trying to tip the balance.
00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:43.519
Now, if you found this helpful and you're looking for more support like this, check out the other resources we have in the show notes.
00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:49.680
For instance, my new potty training made easy program, which is from diapers to dry in 30 days.
00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:53.279
We have live Q ⁇ A's, daily emails, a Dr.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.959
Catherine chatbot, short, easy videos.
00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:00.560
Because I want to support you through every bump and turn.
00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:02.959
You don't have to do this alone.
00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:06.399
Keep up the good work and have a great week.
