We Don't Know What We're Doing + Victoria Clark

WEBVTT
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I think you guys you have the great names.
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Oh, thank you.
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I told Kim this once, but I thought growing up that Kim really was just like the elite of beautiful names because of the pink ranger, pink power ranger and then my grandma.
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My grandma, my dad's mom, her name is Victoria.
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But she goes by Vicky.
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Yeah.
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And I was I'm not a Vicky.
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No.
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I think I was in um, I don't know, I was probably like eight or nine or something when I realized that Posh Spice, her name was also Victoria.
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And I was like, this is the pink femininity.
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The pink ranger and the spice girl.
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I love it.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, right.
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Um, if you guys haven't caught on, we have Victoria or Vic, not Vicky, with us on the pod.
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Um, if you guys are a part of our 116 community, she is the one on the keys.
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And so this is the episode of Through It with Vic Clark.
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Yes, welcome to Through It.
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Thank you.
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So honored to be here and really excited.
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So is it weird to hear Victoria Clark?
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That even flows really well.
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It's really weird.
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It's so weird.
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And even when I see it in writing, like on Instagram or Facebook, I'm like, who is that?
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I'm like, oh, that's me.
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Yeah.
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It's actually me.
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You had to change the handle.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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That was the first thing I did.
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You don't have to go to another.
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That was the first thing I did.
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Actually, that night I changed it.
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Yeah.
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I had to throw the periods in there and the middle initial in there and all the things.
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Yeah, I tried like seven, seven ways to do it and picked one.
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You threw your middle initial.
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I had to because it Victoria Clark or Vic Clark was not available.
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What?
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Okay, what's your middle name?
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Mary.
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Okay.
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After the mother of Jesus.
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My mom was Catholic.
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Okay, that was actually why she mother of Jesus.
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And okay, this is random.
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I know we have icebreakers, but I'm I'm curious, so I'm gonna ask you.
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We were talking about this on Thursday.
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What is your birth order?
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Um, I I have a lot of firstborn traits because I'm a first girl, but I have three older brothers.
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Okay.
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So three older brothers, then me, my sister, and then a younger brother.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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And there's five of you total?
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Six.
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Six of the six of us.
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Yep.
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Four boys, two girls.
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Amazing.
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Jason.
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He lives in Florida.
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And then Billy's the second.
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But there was a there's like a a few years between them.
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So Jason moved out.
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Okay.
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You know, he grew up, moved out before a lot of us had even like gotten to high school or anything like that.
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So Billy has a lot like of older brother type.
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He does.
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Uh-huh.
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Yeah.
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Interesting.
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I would have never guessed that order.
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I was trying to figure out what the order was, and I'm like, well, it could be this.
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It could be this.
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No, I'm definitely I have a brother between me and Billy, Joey, and he's 14 months older than me.
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Wow.
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People thought we were twins when we were younger.
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Were you in the same grade or one year apart?
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One year apart.
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Okay.
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Is your brother really close with you too?
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In age?
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He's two years.
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So yeah, two years apart.
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Almost exactly two years apart.
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Almost two years.
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I have a brother that's 18 months younger than me.
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That's pretty close too.
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It is close, yeah.
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Yeah.
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Frankie and his brother are 13 months apart.
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It's like you and what in the world?
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I can't imagine.
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You're you're basically you have a newborn and then you get pregnant.
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And then you're pregnant.
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Yeah.
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Well, it's crazy.
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My mom just did that for four of us, just knocked us out.
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We're all like within 14, 16, 18 months of each other, four of us.
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How fun is that though?
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How impressive.
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Did you all have like like similar friend groups growing up then?
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We were our friend group because we moved so we moved so many times, which I mean we think of you because you're a military kid, can't really, and we felt like military kids, but we were we were in church.
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So my dad was moving like to start this church or to go to Bible college or to help with this church.
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And so we moved.
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I moved before I got to Seattle, I'd moved over 30 times.
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I've moved probably over 40 times at this point in my life.
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And um and so when we started new schools, we were these are my homemades, we built-in friends, you know, kind of thing.
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That's amazing to have a sibling.
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That's pretty why I want Kendrick to have a slipping.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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My brother's my best friend, you know, even if we don't live close to each other.
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But there's a lot that we want to get into, but we do want to start with icebreaker.
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Okay.
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This icebreaker could be a hit or a complete miss.
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So let's just go with the flow.
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I love the idea of both.
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Yeah.
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But we'll just find out.
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So um, we didn't want to do like, I don't know, a generic icebreaker, but I'm thinking so when you think about your vision of utopia, so like a perfect world.
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Yeah, what would be, I don't know, like uh a rule, an ideology, just even something it could be silly of what a perfect utopia would be.
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So I'll I'll kick it off.
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All right.
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Perfect utopia is a little bit redundant, but um I like it.
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I put, and I obviously I had some time to think about it.
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So I'm just gonna start a curfew for anyone that's over the age of 30.
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That's not bad.
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Don't make a dinner reservation at 8 p.m.
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Or at 7.
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Yeah, and then you have to say no.
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I'm gonna feel bad and I have no excuse other than it's too late and I'm tired.
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That's an excuse.
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Yeah, it's too late.
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Yeah, though.
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Dinner at 8 means you're not home until after 10, I feel like even honestly, like a seven o'clock reservation to me feels late.
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Yeah, it does.
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That's that's as late as I'm going.
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Yeah, yeah.
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I love it.
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Okay, throw another one out there, anyway.
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Well, for I immediately came to mind for me was in this perfect world, yeah, everyone is fully self-aware.
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I can't stand going to Costco on a Saturday, which I don't, but if I ever have to, people that just it's their world and we're living in it, right?
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Like they stop in the middle of the aisle because they had a thought.
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Right.
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It's not even like there's like a sample tray or something, they just stop in like four people behind them, and they even see me behind them, and they're like, come just in the unaware.
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Unaware.
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You know what that reminds me of?
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Toddless.
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Yeah, and kindergarten.
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So they basically, yeah, never graduated from that phase and their brain is a little kindergartner.
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They're like, Kendrick is very unaware in that way.
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I'm like, do you not?
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You almost just poke my eyeball out, you know?
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But I'm like, okay, you're six, it's fine.
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We're we're teaching you.
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That's what I'm here for.
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But that it reminds me, it's it's kind of childish, yeah.
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Completely unaware in your own world.
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You have one.
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I don't know why this is what I'm thinking about, but I think two things you wouldn't be allowed to assume anything.
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So you wouldn't have to ask.
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I'd get in trouble a lot.
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Yeah.
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And then everybody would have to move with, like, I guess this works with yours too, but like a sense of urgency.
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Yeah.
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People needing to have a sense of urgency.
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I appreciate that so much.
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To the point sometimes, though, where I feel like I rush for no reason.
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Yeah, so do I.
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I'm like, I'm rushing to be early.
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Hurry up and wait.
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Yeah, hurry up and wait is like my life.
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And I'm like, I need to slow down.
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Yeah.
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Jordan's reminded me, like, it's okay if you're five minutes late.
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No, it's not.
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But it's thank you.
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And I know that was my thought.
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I'm like, is it though?
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I don't know.
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Yeah.
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Nothingy, Jordan, if you're listening, yeah.
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Saying it's punctual, but it's like, it's not the end of the world.
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I'm like, ugh.
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That's the thing.
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It's not the end of the world.
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Yeah.
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Do you have another one?
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Um there was something I just had and it skipped my what was it?
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I'm thinking about like as you guys are sipping on coffee.
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If I don't say hot or cold, just assume that it's hot.
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Yeah.
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That's a good that yeah.
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That feels like why isn't that common knowledge?
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To me, that's like a little bit of awareness mixed in with like maybe knowledge.
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I cut you off what was Oh no, I was thinking, you know how um it might be this way in different countries, different cultures.
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Or what I went to Greece one time, and um, like in the afternoon, everyone sits down.
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Like we Jen and I went to get coffee to go from our hotel, and they were like, What?
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They didn't have to go cups.
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Wow, and so they had to go searching for something.
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They got us like paper cups, no lids, and got coffee to go.
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Everyone, the pace of life is different, and it's not like it's lazy, but they real some cultures have learned to really enjoy life.
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Like when they sit down for coffee, it is two hours plus, you know, time or don't work a five-day work week and then two days out or something like that.
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So a little bit more like a slower pace.
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Yeah.
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Not that you're getting stuff done.
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I still need stuff to get done, but like, yeah, enjoying life a little bit more.
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Well, that's the illusion, right?
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Like when we rush, we're assuming that we're gonna get more done.
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Yeah.
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But just because you're moving faster doesn't mean you're being more productive per se.
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And we're rushing to get more done because ultimately we believe we're like a sum of our productivity.
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Right.
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And who decided we have to have a five-day work week?
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Like, why is it five and two?
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What would it be?
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At least four and three.
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I love four and three.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Even if you're working for a tension, but four and three, like that makes sense to me.
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Yeah.
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Or three and a half and three and a half.
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Let's make it even.
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I am actually once I looked into that.
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Like, why, why, where did that five, the Monday through Friday come from?
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I'm actually curious.
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I'm gonna have to I'm gonna put a pin in that and we'll do it floater and I'll report back to you guys.
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I'm an advocate for that.
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Okay, I have a list here from Thankschat GBC of ones that I actually thought were really funny.
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Um, I'm just gonna read through them here.
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Okay.
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So one of the rules, the reply all accountability society.
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Every time someone hits reply all unnecessarily, they lose Wi-Fi privileges.
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I advocate.
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I advocate for that.
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I will except for I used to, in nobody I know that knows this is gonna hear this.
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So I'm gonna say the um most executive level at my the previous company that I worked for.
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So she is in charge of there.
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This person was in charge of all of sales and marketing, all anything to do with revenue, sales operations, revenue operations, marketing operations.
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She had a terrible problem with that, and she would reply all with a customer on the thread.
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Oh no, talking about the customer.
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Oh no.
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Yes, and it was like it happened more than once for sure.
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Oh my goodness.
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Yes, or she would reply all and then talk about somebody in the like another employee.
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That's like my worst nightmare for some reason.
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No nunchi.
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Yeah, thank you.
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So I was telling her about this Korean word called nunchi, which kind of goes back to your self-awareness utopian role.
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Nunchi in Korean, if you there's no English word for it, but if you directly translate it, it means I measuring.
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And so it's you eye measuring the room, kind of having like a sixth sense.
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So, for example, if you have like food on your hands and you're like looking around and you don't see anything, me having nunchi, I'd grab you a napkin.
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And you're like, oh, thanks.
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Didn't even have to say anything.
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That's nice.
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Hello, you know.
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That's a great word.
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Yeah, it is a great word, and it doesn't exist in the English language because one kind of tracks with your um so Vic also has a podcast with her brother and sister-in-law called Coffee Talks.
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Um, it says the return your cart equals tax credit economy.
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If you return your grocery cart, you can scan a code and get a micro tax break.
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Yes, Lord.
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Okay.
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Um number three, the meeting has to prove a point law.
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Before scheduling a meeting, you must submit objective desired outcome.
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And why couldn't this be an email?
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Or you get denied.
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That's beautiful.
00:12:10.480 --> 00:12:10.559
Yeah.
00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:11.360
This is Utopia.
00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:12.320
Why doesn't that exist?
00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:13.440
Why doesn't that exist?
00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:15.200
Okay, I'm gonna do two more.
00:12:15.440 --> 00:12:19.039
Uh, number four, the gym membership actually means you go system.
00:12:19.279 --> 00:12:26.639
So if you don't show up twice a week, your membership fee increases if you don't go twice a week.
00:12:26.799 --> 00:12:28.080
We need this accountability.
00:12:28.399 --> 00:12:31.120
You could do that, yeah, you could make that a reality.
00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:32.000
I know.
00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:33.120
I don't know.
00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:35.360
Because money, you're invested.
00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:38.000
So you're paying the money, you're gonna show up.
00:12:38.240 --> 00:12:44.399
Yeah, and that's actually a good, like you're reaping the benefits of now.
00:12:44.639 --> 00:12:46.879
It goes against you, which actually is a great deal.
00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:48.480
Maybe we'll consider this.
00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:51.519
Okay, last one, which I actually love this.
00:12:51.679 --> 00:12:53.679
Actually, I'm gonna do two more because these are both good.
00:12:53.759 --> 00:12:54.000
Okay.
00:12:54.159 --> 00:12:56.720
The speed-based sidewalk lanes city.
00:12:56.799 --> 00:12:59.120
So, like highways, but for walking.
00:12:59.360 --> 00:13:05.200
Slow lane, because you're scrolling on your phone, one lane, a normal lane, and then a power lane.
00:13:05.279 --> 00:13:07.759
I'm late, power walking, like my life depends on it.
00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:10.960
Lane, which I love because I'm such a power walker.
00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:11.200
Yeah.
00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:12.399
Like, keep up, guys.
00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:12.879
Let's go.
00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:14.240
All right, last one.
00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:20.159
The no one knows what they're doing rule, transparency rule, which we kind of talked about before we hit record.
00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:28.639
At every job, leaders must publicly admit we're figuring this out as we go and we don't know what we're doing.
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:32.240
Like we are the plane as we fly it.
00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:37.840
So imposter syndrome drops and confidence becomes honest instead of fake.
00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:39.279
I want to live in this place.
00:13:39.440 --> 00:13:41.039
That's where's this world?
00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:41.840
Yeah.
00:13:42.159 --> 00:13:42.799
But it's true.
00:13:42.879 --> 00:13:49.840
So, like before we hit record, I think people assume that, like, oh, we're doing this grand thing because we have a podcast, which is even still weird for us to say.
00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:54.000
But pretty much every time we record, we're like, we don't know what we're doing.
00:13:55.200 --> 00:13:56.159
Definitely not.
00:13:56.399 --> 00:13:57.039
Put that in there.
00:13:57.200 --> 00:13:58.399
We don't know what we're doing, guys.
00:13:58.480 --> 00:13:59.120
But here we are.
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:01.200
Also, us, we don't know what we're doing.
00:14:01.360 --> 00:14:04.720
Yeah, you would never be able to tell though, at all.
00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:14.480
Like I um just I guess a call back to Vic's podcast with um her brother and sister-in-law, Coffee Talk.
00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:16.240
Yeah, I'm I love it.
00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:19.600
I listen to it that every Wednesday morning.
00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:22.159
I'm not just saying this because you're sitting in front of me.
00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:27.759
Yeah, but it's so much fun to the point where when you guys are finishing, I'm like, can we can you keep going?
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:28.480
Right.
00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:30.799
Keep talking about things, make them longer.
00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:41.039
I think I messaged you because I listened to it while I lived, and I literally have to go pick up my phone sometimes because I'm laughing out loud, and it just seems weird.
00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:43.519
And you want people to know you're on your phone game.
00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:47.840
Yeah, not just loving this workout so much.
00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:51.039
Like laughing moment, laughing.
00:14:51.200 --> 00:14:52.799
Yeah, no, it's funny.
00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:57.120
Um, okay, so let's kind of dig into it a little bit.
00:14:57.200 --> 00:15:01.200
I feel like when we started, um, you were sharing a little bit about your background.
00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:03.279
Actually, don't know if we're recording or not.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:05.679
We talked about to be honest, I don't even know when you hit record.
00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:07.759
When you were like here we're on the podcast.
00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:09.600
I was like, oh, we've been recording this whole time.
00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:10.080
I didn't know.
00:15:10.159 --> 00:15:10.639
It was awesome.
00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:13.279
Well, like a pro, you're you don't your posture didn't change.
00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:14.799
Like a pro.
00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:15.519
Yeah.
00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:18.879
Okay, so you moved a lot growing up.
00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:23.120
We really want to know more about like your um childhood and upbringing.
00:15:23.519 --> 00:15:30.159
Um let's start with you moved, you said probably over 30 times at this point.
00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:32.320
Yeah, maybe close to 40 even.
00:15:32.960 --> 00:15:33.600
That's wild.
00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:35.519
How about what do you think?
00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:37.120
How many times do you think you've moved?
00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:38.559
Also quite a bit.
00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:42.960
Yeah, maybe close to 15, 20.
00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:43.440
Yeah.
00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:45.919
So that kind of puts it into perspective, I feel like.
00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:47.600
Because I feel like you moved a lot as well.
00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:48.080
Yeah.
00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:52.399
But for her to say that she's moved about that many times is a lot.
00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:57.759
So was it mostly because your dad was church planting, or like what was the reason for the move?
00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:15.600
Yeah, I mean, I mostly I think that like helping a church or going to Bible college, or I also think finances probably with my parents, like they'd get, you know, in a lease and then have to get, I don't know, we never talked about money when when we were growing up, but like I think that was part of it because we would move in the same city too.
00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:19.360
We'd be in this house and then we'd move like same city move.
00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:21.200
Um I feel that.
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:21.759
Yeah.
00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:24.000
That was like the start of me in Jordan too.
00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:26.559
Like if the lease expired rent goes up, we would just move.
00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:26.799
Yeah.
00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:27.120
Yeah.
00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:28.639
Well, and you get kind of used to it, right?
00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:34.480
Like even even now in my adult life, living in an apartment before, I'd be like, Oh, let me sign up with this apartment.
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:36.159
They give like two months free.
00:16:36.320 --> 00:16:38.320
And then once the year's up, it's like, shoot.
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:38.720
Yeah.
00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:43.120
My rent's fire, so let me go find another two-month free, you know, or whatever.
00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:43.360
Yeah.
00:16:43.600 --> 00:16:44.399
No, that's real.
00:16:45.039 --> 00:16:46.080
So where were you born?
00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:47.519
I was born in okay.
00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:49.919
Was it you that said Eugene, Oregon?
00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:50.480
Maybe.
00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:50.960
I lived there.
00:16:51.120 --> 00:16:52.000
Yeah, that's where I was born.
00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:52.879
You were born in Eugene?
00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:53.519
Yeah, yeah.
00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:57.360
Because I heard you talking about on the podcast and I was like, oh, that's I was born in Eugene, Oregon.
00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.000
We only lived there like a year, and then we moved to Alaska.
00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:00.639
What?
00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:03.840
You don't remember your childhood was in the world.
00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:08.240
My second time back to Oregon in my entire life was when I moved here to Washington.
00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:10.799
We drove to Oregon and I got a ticket.
00:17:11.039 --> 00:17:14.720
I was like, I came back to my home state and I got pulled over.
00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:16.160
I wasn't even speeding.
00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:17.839
It was a beautiful day, 10 a.m.
00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:18.480
sunny.
00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:22.079
I got pulled over and ticketed for swerving in my lane.
00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:22.960
And I was like, really?
00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:23.519
Why?
00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:24.480
Like, welcome home.
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:25.440
Like, thank you for that.
00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:26.480
Swerving in your lane.
00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:27.039
What does that mean?
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:28.480
Like you just that's weird.
00:17:28.720 --> 00:17:30.240
Just kind of like uh moving my car.
00:17:30.319 --> 00:17:32.079
It seemed it's like I sneezed.
00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:34.000
Kind of like a BS type of ticket.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:34.960
But that's crazy.
00:17:35.119 --> 00:17:35.519
I had it.
00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:39.359
That's like I was born in Nebraska, have never been back since.
00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:39.680
Yeah.
00:17:39.839 --> 00:17:41.279
And was only there for like a year.
00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:43.759
So I wouldn't even claim it as like my home anything.
00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:44.640
Yeah, me either.
00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:49.359
I don't put hometown organ because I'm like, I don't but your passport says Oregon on it.
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:52.079
Yeah, which is funny because mine says Nebraska in caps.
00:17:52.319 --> 00:17:53.279
I'm like, why?
00:17:54.319 --> 00:17:55.359
So random.
00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:57.200
And they did like double take.
00:17:57.279 --> 00:17:57.440
Yeah.
00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:01.599
I don't even think I've ever realized that that the passport has your birth name.
00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:03.440
I think just this.
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:04.640
Where were you born?
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:05.680
California.
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:06.400
Nice.
00:18:06.720 --> 00:18:07.359
Hemet.
00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:09.200
My grandma still lives there.
00:18:09.519 --> 00:18:09.920
Nice.
00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:10.720
Yeah.
00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:12.400
My dad was born there too.
00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:13.839
But anyways, this isn't about me.
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:15.759
So you grew up in Alaska.
00:18:16.079 --> 00:18:18.640
No, because then we lived in Alaska for like a year or two.
00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:24.000
My dad was in Bible college, and then we moved basically where I grew up the most was between Baltimore, Chicago, and Atlanta.
00:18:24.079 --> 00:18:24.240
Okay.
00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:28.000
So we went back and forth from Baltimore and Chicago for church stuff.
00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:31.920
And then we moved to Atlanta when I think I just turned 16.
00:18:32.079 --> 00:18:33.200
And we moved to Atlanta.
00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:36.319
What how would you like describe your childhood?
00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:38.640
Do you remember a lot?
00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:41.599
I I have a hard time remembering a lot of my childhood.
00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:44.160
Um I feel like it was good.
00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:48.319
Like we had a big family, so I always had, you know, siblings to play with.
00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:53.440
Um I talked to my sister about her childhood and mine, it's very different.
00:18:53.839 --> 00:18:54.480
That's interesting.
00:18:54.720 --> 00:19:02.079
You know, and and my mindset was like, you know, I was the first girl, so I got a lot of um the family loved that.
00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:04.720
My aunts and uncles and grandparents.
00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:07.519
Yeah, it was just like one of those things.
00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:12.000
So it was, I think I probably had like an easy childhood in that sense.
00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:14.160
But yeah, it was a good, good childhood.
00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:16.400
The moving did it ever bother you?
00:19:16.640 --> 00:19:17.519
No, I didn't even know.
00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:20.559
I and we were we were poor, but I didn't know we were poor.
00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:20.960
Wow.
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:29.359
Like we just, you know, like I I tell people for us to go to McDonald's was like the biggest reward, like the biggest treat ever.
00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:36.319
And it wasn't like we got happy mails because those were too expensive, you know, with the toy, you usually got like a cheeseburger, maybe, and you know, everyone shares fries or something.
00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:38.319
Yeah, but we didn't, I didn't know.
00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:39.039
I don't know.
00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:39.599
That's great.
00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:48.079
It reminds me of even like Jordan has a similar just experience of growing up not knowing that they were poor.
00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:48.640
Yeah.
00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:57.680
And you don't actually, you don't start comparing how your quality of life is compared to others until like you get into your maybe your adolescence preteens.
00:19:57.920 --> 00:19:58.000
Yeah.
00:19:58.160 --> 00:19:59.200
It's like, oh, I want this.
00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:01.759
You start wanting things and like you can't, you know?
00:20:01.920 --> 00:20:02.160
Yep.
00:20:02.400 --> 00:20:15.359
I wonder how much of that is like just the what is being spoken about in the house, even if it's not like finances being spoken about in front of the kids, if material things are being spoken about, you're probably more like aware of it.
00:20:15.519 --> 00:20:16.160
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:18.000
Like for sure.
00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:23.519
Cause you get like you think about when you're young, how much time you spend with your parents and your family.
00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:33.920
And then once you have like the the trust from your parents to go and hang out with your friends, then it's like that becomes more of your narrative, I feel like, from like what's coming from your friends.
00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:36.559
But for you, it's like your siblings.
00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:40.799
Yeah, we weren't really allowed to go play uh at a lot of friends' houses.
00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:43.920
Um, but yeah, it was it was a good life.
00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:46.960
My dad was a pastor, we had church in our living room a lot.
00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:52.160
Wow, like we wouldn't have a building, but we would just set up the living room with chairs and yeah.
00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:53.440
What was that like?
00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:55.680
It felt normal, it just felt normal.
00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:58.720
Yeah, I started playing on the worship team before they should have ever had me playing.
00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:05.039
I was like, I think I started playing piano when I was for the the church, maybe when I was 12.
00:21:05.359 --> 00:21:06.000
Wow.
00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:11.200
Did you it was bad lessons or my mom was a piano teacher, she's taught me when I was four.
00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:14.480
Started she gave all of us lessons, but it really only stuck with me.
00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:17.759
None of the other kids really, you know, did music too much.
00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:22.000
Billy did a little, but yeah, we just and you're like pretty musical, right?
00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:26.000
Like you play many instruments, you really enjoy music, you still make music.
00:21:26.240 --> 00:21:27.119
Yeah, I love it.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:30.799
It's definitely and my mom's family was very musical growing up too.
00:21:31.359 --> 00:21:32.079
Does anyone else sing?
00:21:32.160 --> 00:21:33.519
I know Christiana, you're Christiana.
00:21:34.079 --> 00:21:34.559
Billy did.
00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:38.000
Billy was the one he was a worship leader in church in Atlanta.
00:21:38.079 --> 00:21:40.000
Like, I have I actually have recordings.
00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:41.119
I need to play it for you.
00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:46.720
Like, we have he I learned to be like a worship leader, like to sing and stuff from him.
00:21:47.119 --> 00:21:47.759
Wow.
00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:58.480
See, this is why like we're getting to know you, but it's stuff like this where it's just wild to me how long we've really been in the same church community.
00:21:58.640 --> 00:22:05.119
Yeah, but it's like We're not ever stopping to like really get to know each other aside from like coffee dates here and there.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:22.880
I was even I had this thought of like between even the three of us right now, how much life has happened in our community and how life has been unfolding in front of each other, but like we don't have time to sit and talk like this.
00:22:23.039 --> 00:22:24.640
So like parallel.
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:29.839
Yeah, just even, you know, you and I both got baptized at 116 at our church.
00:22:30.079 --> 00:22:36.480
Um, we all got married within the same time of like knowing who we are, knowing each other.
00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:46.160
Just all these like big life milestones have happened within the like time of us knowing each other in a short amount of time.
00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:46.480
Yeah.
00:22:46.640 --> 00:22:47.599
That's so interesting.
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:48.799
I'm glad you thought about that.
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:49.759
It's kind of wild.
00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:50.160
Yeah.
00:22:50.319 --> 00:22:53.279
Like, I mean, there's a lot, and we're gonna unpack more of it too.
00:22:53.519 --> 00:22:58.799
But it's just like we it's like when we go to the same church and we kind of like pass each other, you know?
00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:01.680
But it's like a lot of life has happened.
00:23:01.920 --> 00:23:06.960
Like, even just me and Jordan joined that community when we're boyfriend and girlfriend.
00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:07.599
Really.
00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:08.400
When did you come?
00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:09.359
Do you remember?
00:23:10.160 --> 00:23:12.799
Um, pretty much when it started.
00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:13.279
Okay.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:17.039
Not like the first Sunday, but like within media home.
00:23:17.519 --> 00:23:17.680
Yeah.
00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:17.920
Yeah.
00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:18.079
Okay.
00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:18.720
Yeah, yeah.
00:23:18.960 --> 00:23:21.119
So pretty much when like COVID was stole.
00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:21.680
Yeah.
00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:23.119
We're in the thick of COVID.
00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:23.599
Yeah.
00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:24.640
But it's just wild.
00:23:24.880 --> 00:23:25.359
It is.
00:23:25.680 --> 00:23:28.160
So grew up with church in the house.
00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:34.160
Um I'm curious, because you said it all it felt normal.
00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:49.359
And even now, as you're very much a part of the church as a worship leader, when when did um I don't know, your relationship with Jesus and like your own faith start to feel like it's more of your own and not just something that was handed down to your family.
00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:50.559
Like, did you have that moment?
00:23:50.880 --> 00:23:51.519
Yeah, for sure.
00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:52.960
Um, when I was 15.
00:23:53.039 --> 00:23:57.680
So we um my my parents were pastors, right?
00:23:57.839 --> 00:24:07.359
And then when I was 15, this is kind of typical in church world, there's church splits where churches kind of divide and not not in a good way, like in a bad way.
00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:16.079
And our church was small, so it was made of made up of family friends, like friends that were ours for you know, life, like my parents' friends.
00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:23.200
And um when I was 15, all of those people, there was probably like five couples or something.
00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:24.880
This is how I interpret it.
00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:26.079
So we didn't talk about it much.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:33.839
My parents didn't really let us in on any of that stuff, but they turned on my parents and were like, no, we're not gonna do this anymore.
00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:36.079
And the church just disintegrated.
00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:39.359
And wow, all these people, that's all we knew, right?
00:24:39.440 --> 00:24:40.960
Like that was just that was life.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:44.799
Like we just knew those people, and now they were just gone.
00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:57.759
And that was my first, like, okay, um if this is what like people that follow God are like, like really fake, I don't want to have anything to do with it.
00:24:57.839 --> 00:24:59.440
And I that was not a conscious thing.
00:24:59.519 --> 00:25:03.519
Now I look back and I'm like, there was something subconscious in me that was like, I'm done with that.
00:25:03.599 --> 00:25:04.799
Yeah, I'm just gonna be done with that.
00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:07.119
So I was 15, we're living in Chicago.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:14.079
We had to start like going to church, like to different, like to other people's churches, which I only knew my dad's church.
00:25:14.160 --> 00:25:16.880
So like we're going, I'm like, I am not having any of it.
00:25:16.960 --> 00:25:17.519
I was 15.
00:25:17.599 --> 00:25:21.680
I started like dyeing my hair red and blue and you know, like all the stuff.
00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:23.680
It started like hanging out with the wrong crowd.
00:25:23.759 --> 00:25:32.319
I got into sports, and I'm like, so my parents say, We're gonna go, um, and we want to send you on this camp, this church camp in Georgia.
00:25:33.119 --> 00:25:37.599
And we went, my my siblings and I, and I encountered God.
00:25:37.759 --> 00:25:43.440
I mean, it was like this crazy encounter, like for myself for the first time ever.
00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:47.759
And we came back home and we were just like on fire, all this stuff, you know.
00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:50.160
And then my parents were like, We're gonna move.
00:25:50.240 --> 00:25:53.119
We're gonna move to Georgia, we're gonna go to that church and we're gonna move there.
00:25:53.279 --> 00:25:54.000
Oh, that's awesome.
00:25:54.160 --> 00:26:06.720
Yeah, and I don't know how it all led to that, but it somehow it led to that, and we moved to Georgia, and I went immediately to a summer camp there, the same church, and I I like was seeing like the power of God for the first time.
00:26:06.799 --> 00:26:10.079
Like people were like being affected by it, and it freaked me out.
00:26:10.240 --> 00:26:11.359
I'm like, what is happening?
00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:13.279
I called my dad, I'm like, this is weird, you know.
00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:15.839
I don't like and he's like, No, it's normal, it's fine, you know.
00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:27.519
Um, and so I I remember I had a Bible, the youth pastor there got it for me, and it was like I've for the first time it felt like my relationship with God was personal, it wasn't just my family's, you know.
00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:29.680
That gives me chills, yeah.
00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:32.000
And you were so young, yeah.
00:26:32.640 --> 00:26:33.680
15, 16.
00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:38.160
That's like what a blessing that is, even like to just have that encounter.
00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:43.759
Some people go like I mean, most of their lives and not be able to see things or experience things like that.
00:26:44.400 --> 00:26:57.200
Well, what's crazy to me though, it's like you grew up in a house where your family loves Jesus, and how you're like even having church in your living room, it it was so normal.
00:26:57.680 --> 00:27:03.680
And it reminds me of even a few episodes back how we're talking about just our family of origin.
00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:08.319
But it's like when you do something so much, it just becomes normal.
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:19.039
And so something like the power of the Holy Spirit, which is not what we would say normal, it's supernatural, becomes normal.
00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:31.519
And then like I don't know, I I don't want to say like lukewarm, but it just is like, oh, this is just something that we do, and you don't have like an a like a an awe for it.
00:27:31.839 --> 00:27:34.880
Because I even like a personal connection, you know, yeah, yeah.
00:27:35.279 --> 00:27:38.480
Because it's almost like a part of your daily routine, a way of life.
00:27:39.119 --> 00:27:41.759
I think that's really interesting because to me, like 15 is young.
00:27:41.839 --> 00:27:44.799
Like we look at 15-year-olds now, it's like you're you're still a babe, you know?
00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:49.759
But at the same time, I'm like 15, you're like full-blown teenager, so it doesn't feel so young.
00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:54.079
It it feels like a long time until having that encounter.
00:27:54.240 --> 00:27:59.519
So, like with your other siblings, did they have a similar experience when they went to that yes church camp?
00:28:00.079 --> 00:28:02.160
So that's where Billy actually met Jennifer.
00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:04.720
Oh, that's so at the church, yeah.
00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:06.079
Okay, and I hooked them up.
00:28:06.160 --> 00:28:10.400
I like to say I was friends with her, you know, and then and then I set them up.
00:28:10.480 --> 00:28:13.359
But okay, so you met her at that church camp.
00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:15.680
That's it was her dad's church.
00:28:15.920 --> 00:28:16.319
What?
00:28:16.559 --> 00:28:17.759
Yeah, my goodness.
00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:18.400
In Atlanta.
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:23.200
And I don't even know how we got connected, but yeah, it was just one of those things, and then yeah.
00:28:23.680 --> 00:28:26.720
Do you know how your parents even knew about this church?
00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:27.759
You know what?
00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:28.880
I don't know.
00:28:29.119 --> 00:28:30.079
I have no idea.
00:28:30.400 --> 00:28:33.200
That's a lot to be happening, and it's you're like out of state.
00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:35.440
I have no idea how they found out about it.
00:28:35.599 --> 00:28:36.480
I should ask my mom.
00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:41.599
It's one of those moments where it's something that could seem like such an innocent decision at the time.
00:28:41.680 --> 00:28:44.319
It's like you're gonna go to summer camp and you don't think it's a big deal.
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:48.960
But in hindsight, being 2020, that was like the biggest decision of pretty much everyone's life.
00:28:49.119 --> 00:28:50.559
Change the course of everybody's life.
00:28:51.039 --> 00:28:51.279
Yes, yeah.
00:28:51.440 --> 00:28:52.160
It changed everything.
00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:53.039
It changed everything.
00:28:53.119 --> 00:28:55.279
I was gonna start listing this up and I'm gonna get too much.
00:28:55.839 --> 00:28:56.480
It changed everything.
00:28:56.799 --> 00:29:00.559
Because when they told you you're gonna go to that church camp, were you like um resistant?
00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:02.799
I wanted to go to the church camp, loved it.
00:29:02.960 --> 00:29:05.599
And then I came back and the church split happened with our church.
00:29:05.680 --> 00:29:07.519
Um then they said we're moving there.
00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:08.880
And I was like, Well, I'm not.
00:29:09.039 --> 00:29:14.880
I was 15 and I started hanging out with like um I'm not uh my softball team.
00:29:15.039 --> 00:29:17.039
Okay, I started drinking for the first time.
00:29:17.200 --> 00:29:25.599
Like that's where I first had my first like alcoholic drink, and these were my friends, and I told myself at 15, I'm gonna stay here while they move.
00:29:25.759 --> 00:29:29.759
Like, I'm I'm gonna move in with my friends' family, and they'll love to have me.
00:29:29.920 --> 00:29:31.920
And my parents are gonna be okay with it.
00:29:32.240 --> 00:29:35.519
I'm gonna finish high school year and I do my junior and senior year year.
00:29:35.599 --> 00:29:38.559
And so I remember when I told my parents that and they were like, that's funny.
00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:39.920
Yeah, and I was like, Wait, what?
00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:41.599
We're not you're not gonna let me stay.
00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:44.640
Like, I literally thought this is what's gonna happen, and they were like, Absolutely not.
00:29:44.799 --> 00:29:48.640
And so I wasn't pumped about moving to Atlanta, but that changed real quick.
00:29:48.799 --> 00:29:51.200
Yeah, because did you think you'd live with family out there?
00:29:51.279 --> 00:29:52.319
Like, who'd you think you'd live with?
00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:56.559
No, my friends, okay, yeah, and their family because why not?
00:29:56.799 --> 00:29:59.759
They would talk about it and we had the whole plan figured out.
00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:00.720
It'd be cool now.
00:30:00.960 --> 00:30:06.960
Yeah, it was my friend was uh Greek and her family was a Greek family, and they loved me, and they were just like, sure, you can stay here.
00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:09.200
Yeah, that is so funny.
00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:13.680
The things that we thought were like okay or cool as teenagers, you know.
00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:16.160
Yeah, or the way you think you're just making your decisions.
00:30:16.319 --> 00:30:16.640
Yeah.
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:24.400
I my parents moved me to Eugene in my freshman year of high school, and I had like a similar thing where I was like, I'm just not gonna go.
00:30:24.480 --> 00:30:25.359
And I would hide.
00:30:25.519 --> 00:30:29.599
My mom would show up at my friends' houses, and I would be literally hiding in the closet.
00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:32.160
Oh my god, the parents would be like, She's not here.
00:30:32.640 --> 00:30:37.759
No, yeah, like I'm not going.
00:30:38.079 --> 00:30:38.960
That's crazy.
00:30:39.200 --> 00:30:39.680
Wow.
00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:45.920
How we think, yeah, but no, when we moved there, I went immediately to a summer camp, and that's where I encountered God.
00:30:46.160 --> 00:30:49.680
Like, really, really encountered him, and yeah, it's crazy.
00:30:49.839 --> 00:30:50.880
And then everything changed.
00:30:51.359 --> 00:30:57.519
And then do you feel like you that relationship stayed that way?
00:30:57.920 --> 00:31:01.680
No, no, that there was like ebbs and flows over the over the years.
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:09.839
Okay, yeah, anything major that really kind of sparked those, like maybe mountains or valleys, or do you feel like it was just life?
00:31:10.799 --> 00:31:16.960
It's hard, it's hard to like pinpoint what sparked that kind of stuff because there were definitely ebbs and flows.
00:31:17.119 --> 00:31:19.920
Um I think identity was huge.
00:31:20.079 --> 00:31:22.559
I didn't really know who I was, it was really insecure.
00:31:23.279 --> 00:31:28.880
Um, you know, I moved from Chicago where when we went to high school, all the no one wore makeup.
00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:36.160
I wore, which isn't style now, I guess, but like baggy jeans, baggy t-shirts, no makeup at all.
00:31:36.319 --> 00:31:44.160
And then I moved to Atlanta, and my high school felt like people were dr the girls were dressing up like to go to prom for just Monday at school.
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:49.519
And it was a it was a weird shift for me, and I just didn't feel like I I fit that way.
00:31:49.599 --> 00:31:55.359
So I think there was a lot of insecurity um and that real true like knowing who I was.
00:31:55.519 --> 00:32:00.880
I don't know how you can at 16, like really know who you are in God and like teenagers.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:04.079
That's like a normal but you don't realize it's normal, right?
00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:05.599
Because we're in our own head about it.
00:32:05.759 --> 00:32:06.079
Yeah.
00:32:06.400 --> 00:32:11.119
And so I, you know, I I dated this one guy and it wasn't great.
00:32:11.279 --> 00:32:18.720
And um, you know, at that time I was like getting affection from somebody, so that kind of pulled me away from from God.
00:32:18.880 --> 00:32:32.319
And and there was a culture in our church, there's not today anymore, thank God, but um there were a lot of secrets because if if you confess something right like, hey, I'm struggling with this, it was like the end of the world.
00:32:32.480 --> 00:32:32.720
Right.
00:32:32.880 --> 00:32:36.240
Like if someone had premarital sex, it was like, okay, first of all, you're done.
00:32:36.400 --> 00:32:36.799
Yeah.
00:32:37.039 --> 00:32:41.920
Like it and it was never about like, hey, why did you do that?
00:32:42.160 --> 00:32:44.799
Like what in you is what are you searching for?
00:32:44.960 --> 00:32:45.599
What are you needing?
00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:48.079
Like, what are you like have those kind of conversations?
00:32:48.160 --> 00:32:58.319
It would be, it was either like, hey, so we're gonna send you out of state, move, out of state, you know, out of sight, out of mind, kind of thing, or like, okay, so you had premarital sex, um, three months.
00:32:58.400 --> 00:33:00.000
You're out off the worship team for three months.
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:01.920
That's the that's the sentence for you.
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:05.839
It wasn't, it was the same for everybody too, you know, like, and then we'll reconsider you.
00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:11.680
So most people didn't say when they were struggling with anything because it was such a big deal.
00:33:11.920 --> 00:33:17.920
And that's where that whole kind of like, don't be completely honest, really slipped into my life.
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:18.720
Wow, I think.
00:33:18.799 --> 00:33:26.799
And that's why probably a lot of ebbs and flows in that time period, because it was like tell a planting of a seed that if you're honest, you get punished.
00:33:27.279 --> 00:33:28.640
And the enemy uses that, right?
00:33:28.799 --> 00:33:34.559
So it's like if you say something, oh my gosh, it's gonna be the end of the world.
00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:38.000
And I mean, like I love, I'm sure we'll talk about this.
00:33:38.079 --> 00:33:39.359
I'm in AA and I love it.
00:33:39.440 --> 00:33:44.079
And one of the things I say in AA is you're only as sick as your secrets, like they keep us sick.
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:45.359
Yeah, secrets do.
00:33:45.519 --> 00:33:45.680
Yeah.
00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:49.039
And that kind of slipped into my life for sure at that point.
00:33:49.279 --> 00:33:57.599
It's always like actually so profound as you're talking about it, even the question of well, what is going on that made you want to do that?
00:33:57.759 --> 00:34:01.200
You know, and like why and how types of questions.
00:34:01.519 --> 00:34:07.599
But because that wasn't the reality then, did that also create any kind of like a performative nature?
00:34:07.839 --> 00:34:08.239
For sure.
00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:08.559
Right?
00:34:08.880 --> 00:34:10.079
Like look a certain way.
00:34:10.159 --> 00:34:12.960
You gotta look, you gotta look the part, look a certain way.
00:34:13.039 --> 00:34:21.039
You know, I started working for a church w in Atlanta, so I was probably 17 when I first anywhere between 17 and 19.
00:34:21.119 --> 00:34:26.000
I can't remember exactly, but I was when I first started working full-time for the church and ministry.
00:34:26.159 --> 00:34:33.199
And um my boss at the time would only acknowledge when I messed up.
00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:35.360
There was never any, and I think that happens a lot.
00:34:35.840 --> 00:34:37.119
Something's making me mad right now.
00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:37.840
Yeah.
00:34:38.239 --> 00:34:44.559
If I did everything right 99% of the time, and I 1% I didn't, that was the thing that got highlighted.
00:34:44.880 --> 00:34:50.719
So there was so much performative, like, I need to be, and I would be, I'm a I became a perfectionist.
00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:58.320
Like I needed to have everything perfect in order looking right, even if it wasn't on the inside, it needed to look that way, you know.
00:34:58.559 --> 00:35:01.599
It's making me like mad and kind of sad at the same time.
00:35:01.840 --> 00:35:04.079
And maybe because it's kind of hitting a button inside.
00:35:07.599 --> 00:35:08.000
Can't we?
00:35:08.320 --> 00:35:11.760
Because just the even just thinking of my childhood, and it's no one's fault.
00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:33.039
This is just like the narrative I created in my own head, but just even with the standards and the expectations, it's like no congratulations, no job well done, which is actually fine because now as an adult, I'm like, I actually don't care if you say good job, you know, it's nice to hear you, but you know, but then as soon as you mess up, it is like the biggest thing ever.
00:35:33.199 --> 00:35:33.760
Yeah.
00:35:34.800 --> 00:35:37.599
And then that's yeah, that like kind of shapes your identity.
00:35:37.679 --> 00:35:43.199
And then you everything you're doing is to avoid a failure.
00:35:44.400 --> 00:35:46.079
And for how long, right?
00:35:46.400 --> 00:35:50.960
It's hard to unwire and rewire.
00:35:51.519 --> 00:36:02.000
So do you and I I mean, I'll be the first to say there's still a lot of that in a lot of just how I am in whatever setting.
00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:06.239
For you, how did that shift?
00:36:06.400 --> 00:36:17.280
I mean, uh was there a point where they saw you kind of um going the other direction where they did take you to the side and be like, what's going on?
00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:19.039
No, never there.
00:36:19.199 --> 00:36:20.079
That never happened.
00:36:20.159 --> 00:36:28.719
It was just like, I mean, some of it was kind of wild, like, and I won't I won't put it out on um public for people to hear because I don't want to make people feel bad.
00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:33.760
Yeah, but um like it was I wish it would have been different.
00:36:33.920 --> 00:36:49.119
Like I and now when people struggle, I I try so hard to not be that person because I think judgment is like almost innate, like it's almost a a first response, like to to judge someone for a decision or something they did or whatever.
00:36:49.360 --> 00:37:03.840
But um there was never any kind of it what I felt anyways, care and concern about me and why I'm doing that kind of stuff, um, or you know, the dishonesty or whatever it might be.
00:37:03.920 --> 00:37:07.119
And it played out for years until I moved to Seattle.
00:37:07.360 --> 00:37:08.000
Wow.
00:37:08.400 --> 00:37:17.760
But yeah, it it was uh It's the whole it's the nature of people where whether we realize it or not, we're making things about ourselves.
00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:26.960
So when they see someone, let's say a teenager at church messing up, instead of being concerned for the teenager, they're being concerned of how is this gonna make the church look.
00:37:27.119 --> 00:37:39.920
Yes, and it's a constant me, me, me, you know, like we're like always concerned of I don't know, it's kind of like working for our salvation, even like how is this gonna appear?
00:37:40.079 --> 00:37:43.920
We wanna make sure like, and that's like the I don't know.
00:37:44.239 --> 00:37:53.280
I feel like a lot of what leads to sin is us just trying to do things in our own will to be like, I don't know, perfect.
00:37:53.599 --> 00:37:53.840
Yeah.
00:37:54.000 --> 00:37:56.159
I mean it's we had just had an old episode on this.
00:37:56.239 --> 00:37:56.960
It's pride, right?
00:37:57.039 --> 00:38:07.440
Yeah, where it's like pride is the root of all of it, it's it's the root of shame on on both sides, people who want to hide from it, people who want to do the hiding, and it's what keeps you bound.
00:38:07.519 --> 00:38:09.760
Like you said, you're only as sick as your secrets.
00:38:10.480 --> 00:38:14.400
It keeps you silent, it keeps you unhealthy, unhealthy, unhappy.
00:38:15.440 --> 00:38:20.480
But it's I mean, it it it must be one of the most difficult things to grow out of.
00:38:20.800 --> 00:38:21.679
That's the right letter.
00:38:22.239 --> 00:38:22.960
You touch on right.
00:38:23.039 --> 00:38:25.039
So learning something is one thing.
00:38:25.280 --> 00:38:33.760
Unlearning is so much it's more difficult, like to be like, okay, because it becomes default, I think, kind of in you.
00:38:34.079 --> 00:38:48.639
But then once you start, like I got to the point where being honest and living honest, like fully transparent and honest with God, with myself, with people in my life, the freedom, yeah, it's addictive.
00:38:48.719 --> 00:38:55.599
Like, I wouldn't want to live any other way, but for so long I was bound and like I can't say that, or and I don't even know if it was conscious.
00:38:55.679 --> 00:39:00.079
I just think I knew like I can't say that, or I can't say, you know, tell people that or whatever.
00:39:00.320 --> 00:39:02.559
But to what was the catalyst to that?
00:39:02.960 --> 00:39:03.920
How did you get there?
00:39:04.159 --> 00:39:04.639
I don't know.
00:39:04.719 --> 00:39:06.320
It's so so many decades, you know.
00:39:06.400 --> 00:39:07.920
It's like I know this is a lot.
00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:08.639
Where do I start?
00:39:08.800 --> 00:39:10.800
Tell us every feeling you've ever had to experience.
00:39:12.159 --> 00:39:12.960
I'll just read them to you.
00:39:13.119 --> 00:39:17.760
I read, I read part, I was looking kind of like preparing, like I don't know what we're gonna talk about today.
00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:25.519
I didn't know, but um looking at like old journals, and I read a little caption out loud to my husband this morning, and I'm like, I was such an idiot.
00:39:25.840 --> 00:39:27.519
Why did I feel that way?
00:39:27.760 --> 00:39:39.920
Um so yeah, I I don't know all the journey of it all, but I think you know, we moved I moved here to Seattle in 2007 and saw church in a different way than I'd ever seen it.
00:39:40.239 --> 00:39:44.880
And I realized, oh, everything doesn't have to be the way it was.
00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:50.400
I was very these four walls, um, and I didn't know what it could look like outside.
00:39:50.480 --> 00:39:52.079
I didn't know that church could look any different.
00:39:52.159 --> 00:39:54.320
I didn't know that a relationship with God could look any different.
00:39:54.400 --> 00:39:55.760
Like this is just what I knew.
00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:56.079
Right.
00:39:56.239 --> 00:40:01.920
And so coming out of that and moving here, my eyes were open to like, oh, there are different ways.
00:40:02.079 --> 00:40:03.519
And it doesn't have to be that way.
00:40:03.679 --> 00:40:06.800
But it didn't change like overnight for me once I saw that.
00:40:06.880 --> 00:40:10.320
It was still a lot of unlearning and learning new stuff.
00:40:10.480 --> 00:40:16.639
Um I mean, we've you can fast forward all the way to like four years ago when I got sober.
00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:21.199
Yeah, and I was it'll be four years, June 19th, and I've been sober.
00:40:21.599 --> 00:40:22.719
Yeah, it really does.
00:40:23.039 --> 00:40:26.639
But I my relationship with God at that time was great, you know.
00:40:26.719 --> 00:40:30.000
I thought, anyways, but there were parts that were dishonest.
00:40:30.159 --> 00:40:45.679
Like I just was not honest with him and really not honest with myself, subconsciously though, yeah, still and in the midst of all that, and um when I finally decided, like, okay, I'm I not that I don't want to live this way anymore, I can't.
00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:49.679
Yeah, like I am not living, and I can no longer move forward.
00:40:49.840 --> 00:41:00.400
And I was what I'm I'm 46 now, so I was 42, like already 42, and it took me that long to be like, I'm done with that, I cannot live a dishonest life.
00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:06.159
Um, you know, and it wasn't like I was doing like this wild things, but it just it wasn't honest.
00:41:06.320 --> 00:41:08.719
And with myself and with God, that was the biggest thing.
00:41:08.960 --> 00:41:12.639
Was it like because what made you even aware of that?
00:41:12.719 --> 00:41:18.239
Because I think a lot of what you're talking about, like the first step is to even be aware that there is a problem.
00:41:18.559 --> 00:41:25.920
So when you got to the point of like, I can't live like this, this dishonest life, like you were saying, was it just because you didn't have peace?
00:41:26.079 --> 00:41:28.000
Like, what was like people telling you?
00:41:28.159 --> 00:41:30.400
Like, how did you come to that awareness even?
00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:33.679
Um, yeah, I think it was a little bit all of that.
00:41:34.000 --> 00:41:48.320
I um I at the time was in a relationship that was not healthy, and I started drinking, not putting it off on this, but like I started drinking to be okay with things that were not okay.
00:41:49.039 --> 00:41:54.320
And so it was kind of like either to chase a feeling or to escape a feeling always.
00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:59.199
I wanted to change how I was feeling, and so I started, and I didn't know this at the time, right?
00:41:59.519 --> 00:42:03.840
So it wasn't like this, like I I was an alcoholic from the moment I took a drink or something, you know.
00:42:04.079 --> 00:42:04.159
Sure.
00:42:04.400 --> 00:42:07.920
Because there were times I went 10 years without drinking because I wasn't allowed to for my job.
00:42:08.000 --> 00:42:10.000
And I was like, okay, cool, whatever, no big deal.
00:42:10.239 --> 00:42:16.000
But um I started instead of going to God, I started turning to other things.
00:42:16.239 --> 00:42:18.320
That is a point to be highlighted.
00:42:18.800 --> 00:42:20.800
That's just addiction in a nutshell.
00:42:20.960 --> 00:42:21.360
Totally.
00:42:21.599 --> 00:42:27.599
Yeah, like you you need you need um you're looking for something to save you, to escape, to make you feel better.
00:42:28.320 --> 00:42:31.039
And it can be it can be a substance or it can be literally anything.
00:42:31.440 --> 00:42:32.800
It could be a person, yes.
00:42:32.960 --> 00:42:37.679
Yeah, it could be a hobby, literally turning to anything when you should be turning to God first.
00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:39.760
I wish I could get addicted to like working out.
00:42:39.840 --> 00:42:44.480
Like some people are, and I'm like, but I remember my sister told me, once you start doing it, you're gonna get addicted.
00:42:44.559 --> 00:42:45.679
I'm like, that has never happened.
00:42:46.239 --> 00:42:49.199
I don't wake up and we're like, oh my god, I can't wait to go to the gym.
00:42:49.599 --> 00:42:51.360
We don't wish that for you on the lake.
00:42:51.519 --> 00:42:53.119
No, no, no.
00:42:56.320 --> 00:42:56.880
So funny.
00:42:57.119 --> 00:43:06.320
Okay, so you got to that point, and so now you have this awareness of like, okay, I can't keep turning to this substance, in this case, drinking to feel better.
00:43:06.719 --> 00:43:08.079
Did you sorry, go ahead?
00:43:08.239 --> 00:43:09.280
No, that I mean that was it.
00:43:09.360 --> 00:43:10.880
I'm just Did you have a moment?
00:43:10.960 --> 00:43:19.599
I'm thinking just like, um I'm not I don't not to project, but I'm thinking like in my own circumstances or what I can relate to.
00:43:19.920 --> 00:43:34.239
And I know you said you were hiding a lot of things, but were were there moments in that drinking where um you were aware of like, oh, what I'm doing is bad, or this is taking me away from God.
00:43:34.559 --> 00:43:34.880
Yes.
00:43:35.119 --> 00:43:38.719
So, you know, it's the classic like, I'm never gonna do that again.
00:43:38.880 --> 00:43:39.119
Right.
00:43:39.440 --> 00:43:40.480
Wake up the next morning.
00:43:40.639 --> 00:43:51.920
I'll tell you, one one morning I woke up and um I had two some alcohol that was empty and I didn't have it the night before.
00:43:52.159 --> 00:43:57.280
So at some point in the middle of the night, I was drunk and I got it.
00:43:57.360 --> 00:43:59.760
And so I went, I looked through my bank statement, I was like, oh my.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:03.119
God, I went to two different stores in the middle of the night.
00:44:03.280 --> 00:44:10.559
And I so that I remember sitting on my this was like maybe three weeks before I ended up deciding I need to go to treatment.
00:44:10.719 --> 00:44:16.320
But like um I remember sitting there going like oh this is not this is bad.
00:44:16.800 --> 00:44:22.239
Like I don't even remember that I drove somewhere, yeah, two different locations.
00:44:22.320 --> 00:44:22.639
Yeah.
00:44:23.440 --> 00:44:27.760
I mean, like it it's crazy to me that nothing worse happened.
00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:34.960
Um I guess, you know, I don't know, but like, um, no, I do know that's exactly what that was.
00:44:35.119 --> 00:44:39.679
Um but and so I had that moment where I'm like, I can't do this again.
00:44:39.840 --> 00:44:47.519
And I tell you, like, I I woke up one time and I couldn't eat soup because my hand was shaking so bad because I was going through withdrawal.
00:44:47.599 --> 00:44:48.480
I didn't know that at the time.
00:44:48.639 --> 00:44:48.719
Right.
00:44:48.880 --> 00:44:52.239
And I was like, oh my God, I can't drink like I did, I must have drank too much last night.
00:44:52.320 --> 00:44:53.199
I can't do that again.
00:44:53.519 --> 00:44:57.360
And before I got home that evening, I was already drinking.
00:44:57.440 --> 00:44:59.199
So it wasn't like so.
00:44:59.280 --> 00:45:02.159
I had those moments of awareness where like, this is too far.
00:45:02.320 --> 00:45:03.039
It's too much.
00:45:03.199 --> 00:45:04.000
I need to stop.
00:45:04.159 --> 00:45:07.039
But I did, I couldn't, I couldn't just stop.
00:45:07.119 --> 00:45:08.559
Like I was like, yes, that's a great idea.
00:45:08.719 --> 00:45:14.880
I remember Billy saying once to me, my family had never really talked about or understood alcoholism.
00:45:14.960 --> 00:45:16.960
What does that look like to turn to another substance?
00:45:17.039 --> 00:45:18.400
We didn't really deal with that.
00:45:18.480 --> 00:45:21.199
I found out later some of my family had, but I didn't know.
00:45:21.360 --> 00:45:21.599
Uh-huh.
00:45:21.760 --> 00:45:27.519
Um, my dad was an alcoholic, but I didn't know because by the time he had us and was married to my mom, he was sober.
00:45:27.599 --> 00:45:27.679
Yeah.
00:45:27.920 --> 00:45:32.639
And so we know and he had found Jesus, and like, you know, so we never even talked about it.
00:45:32.719 --> 00:45:35.280
I didn't know until I until later on.
00:45:35.440 --> 00:45:42.400
But um, yeah, I just think we we talked about once and Billy's like, I mean, alcohol's not doing anything good for you.
00:45:43.360 --> 00:45:44.480
Why don't you just stop?
00:45:44.960 --> 00:45:47.760
And I was like, that is a great idea.
00:45:48.159 --> 00:45:49.440
I want to just stop.
00:45:49.599 --> 00:45:52.880
And I could I don't know how to tell you, but I just could not.
00:45:53.119 --> 00:45:54.079
I could not stop.
00:45:54.320 --> 00:45:54.559
Wow.
00:45:54.719 --> 00:45:56.000
And you what you said it right.
00:45:56.079 --> 00:45:59.119
Like the first step in all of it is acknowledging that.
00:45:59.599 --> 00:46:01.840
Like, okay, this is unmanageable.
00:46:02.480 --> 00:46:13.360
Um, I'm powerless over this, and I need something bigger than me, which is God to help me wow get over this and through it and healed from it and move on.
00:46:13.519 --> 00:46:14.400
And that's what God did.
00:46:14.480 --> 00:46:16.239
I mean, you know what I love about this too?
00:46:16.400 --> 00:46:42.320
Even hearing that your dad had dealt with this at some point in his life, it just is such a solid reminder that we have we should in a utopia be so honest with our faults and our past faults that even if we're not that person anymore, but how shame will try to keep even that a secret, something that you've conquered, because it really allows other people to have permission to be honest with their faults.
00:46:42.480 --> 00:46:42.719
Totally.
00:46:42.880 --> 00:46:46.239
Because I I wonder, what do you think if you had known that about your dad?
00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:48.079
Do you think you would have gone to him?
00:46:48.239 --> 00:46:48.880
I don't know.
00:46:49.119 --> 00:46:53.760
Yeah, I think I would have been, I think I would have been more aware of it.
00:46:53.840 --> 00:46:55.679
Like, oh, this could maybe be a problem.
00:46:55.840 --> 00:46:56.079
Right.
00:46:56.239 --> 00:46:58.960
If I keep turning to this, you know, because it wasn't at first.
00:46:59.119 --> 00:47:01.519
Like drinking for me, I loved it.
00:47:01.679 --> 00:47:05.599
Like I was the self-appointed bartender at every family gathering party, you know.
00:47:05.679 --> 00:47:07.039
Like, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna make a drink.
00:47:07.119 --> 00:47:09.599
This is gonna be the drink for Christmas this year, and I'm gonna make this one.
00:47:09.679 --> 00:47:10.719
And everyone was like, awesome.
00:47:10.800 --> 00:47:13.679
And no one was getting drunk or anything, but it was just like fun.
00:47:13.840 --> 00:47:19.280
And then at some point, and they say this, you know, in AA, like it ceased being a luxury and it became a necessity.
00:47:19.599 --> 00:47:19.840
Wow.
00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:21.679
I no longer enjoyed it anymore.
00:47:21.840 --> 00:47:24.800
It was just be a means to an end, you know, kind of thing.
00:47:24.960 --> 00:47:34.000
And I think maybe having the knowledge that this is something people in my family have struggled with, yeah, I would approach it differently.
00:47:34.239 --> 00:47:41.679
Like I think about my nieces and nephews now that know that, hey, this isn't our family and won't even probably ever touch alcohol because of it.
00:47:42.079 --> 00:47:45.199
This is blowing my mind because it's something that's so simple.
00:47:45.599 --> 00:47:59.920
Something as simple as like you go into church camp one summer, and that one decision really shifted a lot of people's life trajectories, and something as simple as like mentioning this little tidbit of information that can actually be so impactful.
00:48:00.079 --> 00:48:06.559
And I even think about like, you know, my own family, it's like okay, let's be careful of what I say.
00:48:06.800 --> 00:48:16.239
But I mean, okay, I'll just say like my dad just not having the ability to just cope with his temper well.
00:48:16.960 --> 00:48:21.360
But because of even that knowing, I'm like, I'm never gonna marry a guy that has a bad temper.
00:48:21.840 --> 00:48:28.559
You know, just like that little bit of information, or like with a lot of people that are listening, know Jordan's history.
00:48:28.800 --> 00:48:40.639
So these are just it's it doesn't have to be a huge deal, but just something to keep like in your pocket to be mindful of and you have a knowing of it so you can have like, I don't know, foresight when you make other decisions.
00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:50.480
Like that simple thing of like it would have been on my radar, not to blame anyone or anything, but it's like, I don't know, it's very no pun intended, but sobering.
00:48:50.960 --> 00:48:51.679
Yeah, no doubt.
00:48:52.000 --> 00:49:04.400
And to be to the little act of which is not little, of being honest and transparent with the people you love and in your world, or even just like people you randomly like, I'll go to coffee with some, and I don't have any shame in this anymore.
00:49:04.480 --> 00:49:06.480
I did for a while, but I don't have any shame.
00:49:06.559 --> 00:49:13.360
I'm like, look, I was here, God did this, this, this, and my life is completely different now because of it.
00:49:13.519 --> 00:49:15.119
That can change somebody.
00:49:15.440 --> 00:49:16.800
Like, you have no idea, right?
00:49:16.880 --> 00:49:18.239
There's just power in a testimony.
00:49:18.320 --> 00:49:19.360
You you both know that.
00:49:19.440 --> 00:49:23.039
And so, even just sharing and being honest with people, man, it makes a difference.
00:49:23.199 --> 00:49:24.800
It makes such a big difference.
00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:32.800
I mean, that I would say is one thing about our church that has kept me there from the beginning because I've shared this before on the podcast.
00:49:32.880 --> 00:49:42.079
It's like I had so much shame that I had a kid and I wasn't married, but I never once felt like it wasn't um condone, like no one said, like, it's okay, keep doing that.
00:49:42.239 --> 00:49:43.840
You know, no one said that.
00:49:44.159 --> 00:49:50.000
But what they did make me feel like is I I I won't be judged harshly for it.
00:49:50.559 --> 00:49:52.880
And I didn't feel pushed out, you know.
00:49:53.119 --> 00:49:57.760
Every bit of a negative feeling that I had about it was from me saying it to myself.
00:49:57.840 --> 00:49:58.400
Yeah, yeah.
00:49:58.559 --> 00:50:01.920
And maybe the conviction of God, you know, being like, okay, let's be better.
00:50:02.079 --> 00:50:02.639
No, for sure.
00:50:02.800 --> 00:50:03.199
Yeah.
00:50:04.079 --> 00:50:07.760
Man, that's I I love too that you say that you have no shame about it.
00:50:08.639 --> 00:50:21.280
Um, not to keep mentioning Jordan, but like when we first started dating, I was actually so impressed and honestly more confused just because of um how I have a tendency to be performative, really.
00:50:21.519 --> 00:50:25.119
I was confused that he was so honest with his history of addiction.
00:50:25.519 --> 00:50:28.480
I'm like, wow, you didn't think I would like judge you for it.
00:50:28.719 --> 00:50:30.960
Like you really didn't care what I thought at all, actually.
00:50:31.119 --> 00:50:32.400
Like he was so free from it.
00:50:32.559 --> 00:50:32.800
Yeah.
00:50:32.960 --> 00:50:37.760
And it impressed me that he can just be that open and not feel shame.
00:50:38.079 --> 00:50:42.239
Well, people relate more with our failures than they do with our successes.
00:50:42.480 --> 00:50:42.639
Right.
00:50:42.800 --> 00:50:48.079
If I sat down here and told you everything that I've accomplished and done, you'd be like, oh wow, okay, cool, cool, cool.
00:50:48.239 --> 00:50:51.519
But if I'm like, dude, I messed up here, yeah, I failed here, right?
00:50:51.679 --> 00:50:55.199
Like I this happened and then now look where I am.
00:50:55.519 --> 00:50:56.960
That's the thing that people key in on.
00:50:57.039 --> 00:50:58.159
They're like, oh, okay.
00:50:58.559 --> 00:50:59.280
So there's hope.
00:50:59.440 --> 00:50:59.599
Yeah.
00:50:59.920 --> 00:51:01.199
Softens people.
00:51:01.519 --> 00:51:03.039
That's why testimonies are so powerful.
00:51:03.360 --> 00:51:07.599
Because you can explain all of the all of the the bad and the ugly.
00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:18.559
And being and seeing somebody that is free from that shame that doesn't try to hide it, is like, I feel like that does people who are new to recovery.
00:51:18.719 --> 00:51:31.599
I think that that's probably the most, I can't say this for sure, I don't know, but like, but just being able to see somebody walk from shame, whether it be in recovery or something else that you've done, is what you said like gives you the most hope.
00:51:32.159 --> 00:51:38.400
Then you can feel like, because so many people think, I can't, I can't walk with God because I've done so many bad things.
00:51:38.639 --> 00:51:41.760
Or God's not gonna accept me because I've done so many bad things.
00:51:41.920 --> 00:51:47.119
And then when you see people living that other lifestyle and they can say, Look at the bad things I did too.
00:51:47.280 --> 00:51:55.599
And it's not condoning it, but it's the demonstration of being free from shame, then you can be like, Oh, that's right, I'm not that bad.
00:51:55.840 --> 00:51:58.719
Yeah, definitely the hope of like it's possible, yeah.
00:51:58.800 --> 00:52:10.559
And like it's definitely not like m my creator and my heavenly father telling me this stuff, telling me that I should be ashamed, yeah, that I should be separate or not going to church.
00:52:10.800 --> 00:52:11.119
Yeah.
00:52:11.360 --> 00:52:17.360
Someone once said to me, Um, you know, the stuff you tell yourself in your head, like I'm I'm very critical of myself.
00:52:17.760 --> 00:52:20.320
Like the what you just said, like you shouldn't go to church.
00:52:20.559 --> 00:52:21.599
Yeah, you're not gonna do that.
00:52:21.760 --> 00:52:26.559
Would you ever say that to someone you love, like the things you say in your head, then it's not of God.
00:52:26.639 --> 00:52:34.800
Yeah, like that is not that's literally the enemy saying these things to you, and you would never even imagine saying that to a friend or a loved one, like never come out of your mouth.
00:52:34.960 --> 00:52:35.920
Yeah, that's great.
00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:40.000
That's I heard somebody say once, like, would you be friends with the voice in your head?
00:52:40.239 --> 00:52:42.480
Which is pretty much exactly what you're saying.
00:52:42.639 --> 00:52:45.519
Yeah, and that is like another way to look at it too.
00:52:45.599 --> 00:52:49.360
Like, it's that per whatever that voice is telling you those things, would you be friends with that person?
00:52:49.440 --> 00:52:50.960
Would you let your friend talk to you that way?
00:52:51.199 --> 00:52:52.719
Would you talk to your friend that way?
00:52:53.039 --> 00:52:54.079
No, walk away from it.
00:52:54.239 --> 00:52:54.960
Yeah, yeah.
00:52:55.280 --> 00:52:56.480
Yeah, that's good.
00:52:56.800 --> 00:53:01.920
What what do you think are so considering your upbringing, right?
00:53:02.239 --> 00:53:23.280
And your journey of even getting sober and conquering that, did you at any point feel like, oh, these are seeds from my childhood that are now producing fruit as I'm able to now that I'm sober and I could even share my testimony, like I don't not sure if that makes sense.
00:53:24.239 --> 00:53:34.960
I think Yeah, there's a lot in in the whole process, there's a lot of looking back right and seeing, you know, things for the how they were.
00:53:35.519 --> 00:53:40.320
Um and I'm I'm very grateful that I grew up in the household I did.
00:53:40.480 --> 00:53:40.719
Yeah.
00:53:41.199 --> 00:53:43.679
No, no house is no family's perfect, right?
00:53:43.760 --> 00:53:53.199
Like there's dysfunction and it's some level in every family, but um the family I had, you know, how close we are even today.
00:53:53.360 --> 00:53:55.039
Yeah, we're like best friends all over.
00:53:55.280 --> 00:53:57.119
And that a lot of that happened after my dad passed away.
00:53:57.199 --> 00:53:58.480
It really brought us closer together.
00:53:58.639 --> 00:54:12.880
But um yeah, looking in the past and being like, oh, I'm grateful because some a lot of people don't have that to fall back on to be like, I knew my family was not gonna walk away from me when I was struggling.
00:54:12.960 --> 00:54:13.280
I knew it.
00:54:13.920 --> 00:54:14.719
I knew it without a doubt.
00:54:14.960 --> 00:54:21.280
Like there was the uneven, I didn't know if I'd have a job, I didn't know if I'd have my apartment, I didn't know if I have my car, I didn't know any of that stuff.
00:54:21.440 --> 00:54:23.920
But what I knew was my family was still gonna love me.
00:54:24.000 --> 00:54:25.440
Yeah, and not a lot of people have that.
00:54:25.599 --> 00:54:30.719
And so for that piece, yeah, I'm I'm super grateful um to have that, you know.
00:54:31.039 --> 00:54:31.440
Yeah.
00:54:32.000 --> 00:54:38.559
I don't know if that answered your question earlier, but like I like I was trying to figure out even like how to word my question, but that's really great.
00:54:38.719 --> 00:54:49.519
I I think really just even thinking about like, oh, those things that happen, because I have these moments where I'm like, oh, that happened in my childhood that equipped me for this, or like that had to happen so that I could be here.
00:54:50.000 --> 00:54:58.239
And just like how you're saying how we could look past that things and like again, hindsight of 2020 things start to make more sense as we look more.
00:54:58.719 --> 00:55:02.079
The um, like, thank the Lord that it didn't last longer.
00:55:02.239 --> 00:55:02.800
Yeah, yeah.
00:55:03.039 --> 00:55:11.360
They you know, it was probably the worst thing you ever went through as you were going through it, but praise God it wrapped it up, Cornet, and it happened when it did.
00:55:11.519 --> 00:55:17.119
Yeah, because I was ready to make those changes um and to actually like follow through with it.
00:55:17.199 --> 00:55:25.920
You know, I I went to treatment when I was 42 and I went of my own accord and I paid for it out of my own pocket and it was a lot of money, yeah, drained my savings.
00:55:26.159 --> 00:55:33.280
But I know Billy said to me once he was like, I think God gave you that money for this for that, like it was the provision for this.
00:55:33.519 --> 00:55:37.599
And so when I went to treatment, everyone there was counting down the days.
00:55:37.760 --> 00:55:39.760
No one was there of their own accord, you know.
00:55:40.239 --> 00:55:41.760
And I was counting down the days too.
00:55:41.840 --> 00:55:52.400
I didn't, I didn't want to be there for long, but I I said to myself, like, the money I'm paying for this, the time I'm taking out of my life, I don't think I could ever do this again.
00:55:52.559 --> 00:55:56.000
I'm gonna get everything I can out of every moment here.
00:55:56.239 --> 00:55:56.800
That's crazy.
00:55:56.960 --> 00:56:02.880
And it made me have a different perspective than everybody, all the women that I was encountering there because of that.
00:56:02.960 --> 00:56:08.159
And so even that, I was like, the timing, God knew, like this was the time for this to happen.
00:56:08.320 --> 00:56:09.840
Like all that we don't know, you know.
00:56:09.920 --> 00:56:14.239
I wish sometimes, like, would I have not just dealt with that like 10 years ago or something instead of four?
00:56:14.400 --> 00:56:15.679
Yeah, but God knows.
00:56:15.840 --> 00:56:16.559
Yeah, yeah.
00:56:16.880 --> 00:56:31.119
It makes me think, even how you're mentioning the people that you encountered when you were there, that although you went there to get clean, it's but there's always multiple lessons that's happening from this one seed.
00:56:31.280 --> 00:56:42.719
And even to think probably the seeds that were planted from people meeting you in there, like who knows the fruit that has, you know, now harvested, hopefully, for some of those people that you encountered is like super powerful.
00:56:43.360 --> 00:56:49.119
When did you uh I thought this actually when you shared at the women's gathering your testimony?
00:56:49.840 --> 00:56:56.400
Um, I don't know why I didn't just ask you actually, but I was wondering leading up to because who asked you?
00:56:56.559 --> 00:56:57.679
Did Jen ask you to share?
00:56:57.840 --> 00:56:58.159
Yeah.
00:56:58.320 --> 00:57:20.719
Okay, so like was there any bit of like um feeling, I don't know, scared to share, nervous about it, how people would receive it, even thinking about like others' perceptions of you and just being who you are in our community, like all those things, like what were the thoughts that you were having leading up to sharing that testimony?
00:57:20.800 --> 00:57:24.400
Because I think everyone that received it, if anything, was like, wow, Vic.
00:57:24.639 --> 00:57:25.440
Like blown away.
00:57:25.519 --> 00:57:25.679
Yeah.
00:57:26.000 --> 00:57:27.519
This is a beautiful story.
00:57:27.840 --> 00:57:36.480
I was so scared at first, and which is different because I'd been an AA at that point for maybe two years.
00:57:36.639 --> 00:57:42.320
Um, and telling my story to other people that are like me, right, super easy.
00:57:42.559 --> 00:57:42.880
Right.
00:57:43.119 --> 00:57:48.000
I mean, they're like, Yeah, we get it, you know, like we joke about things that you shouldn't joke about.
00:57:48.079 --> 00:57:51.119
Like, I wouldn't make a joke now, I wouldn't say it and expect you to laugh.
00:57:51.199 --> 00:57:55.280
But if I said it in an AA meeting, everyone would laugh, like we get it, you know, kind of thing.
00:57:55.440 --> 00:57:55.679
Yeah.
00:57:55.840 --> 00:57:58.320
And then there was that piece of it's in church.
00:57:59.039 --> 00:58:04.400
And that whole like how I had to be a certain way, look a certain way, you know, I'm on staff, uh, all the stuff before.
00:58:04.480 --> 00:58:11.519
I never I haven't felt that at 116 at all, but like it for sure popped up, and I was like, what don't I say?
00:58:11.679 --> 00:58:14.639
Like, I need what should I not say here?
00:58:14.880 --> 00:58:20.639
Um, and I was trying to like, I don't want to mince my words, but I also was like, I have to be careful.
00:58:20.719 --> 00:58:26.960
Like that my first reaction was like, I have to be careful what I say and don't say in church about this.
00:58:27.119 --> 00:58:30.400
And then I I think God just really freed me of that.
00:58:30.480 --> 00:58:31.519
I'm like, That's cool.
00:58:31.679 --> 00:58:32.800
Look, it is what it is.
00:58:32.960 --> 00:58:39.840
I think me being transparent and saying this is what I struggled with maybe might open the door for other women to be like, oh, I don't have to hide.
00:58:40.079 --> 00:58:40.400
Exactly.
00:58:40.639 --> 00:58:42.559
And it might not be something with alcohol, it might be something else.
00:58:42.639 --> 00:58:44.639
Maybe your marriage is struggling, maybe you know, whatever.
00:58:44.800 --> 00:58:49.840
And I think if you walk in freedom, freedom, it gives people the opportunity to maybe like do the same.
00:58:50.079 --> 00:58:50.559
Almost gives people.
00:58:50.800 --> 00:58:51.760
And I think that's what happened.
00:58:51.840 --> 00:58:53.119
Yeah, like a lot of women.
00:58:53.199 --> 00:58:59.760
I I heard some stories that night of where women shared things that they never shared before, and there's so much freedom in that.
00:58:59.920 --> 00:59:02.480
So I was, yes, scared at first.
00:59:02.559 --> 00:59:03.679
And then I was like, you know what?
00:59:03.760 --> 00:59:10.400
And I had all my notes, and I think I looked at them once because I kind of feel like God's gonna just take it the direction he wants to take it.
00:59:10.639 --> 00:59:13.840
And there's nothing I I think about like what didn't I say?
00:59:13.920 --> 00:59:17.679
Well, I wanted to say that, and then I just I give myself like 30 seconds to think about that.
00:59:17.760 --> 00:59:20.079
And I'm like, you know, like I'll do that after this podcast.
00:59:20.159 --> 00:59:27.920
I'll be like, I didn't say that, or I should have said, and then I'm like, whatever, you know, it is what it is at this point, and I just trust that God kind of is gonna use it.
00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:28.559
Yeah, yeah.
00:59:28.800 --> 00:59:30.400
I feel like we do that with every episode.
00:59:30.719 --> 00:59:32.480
Oh my gosh, I'm a mess after every episode.
00:59:32.800 --> 00:59:35.519
Are you especially we alternate with who picks the topic?
00:59:35.840 --> 00:59:37.519
If Kim picks the topic, I'm great.
00:59:37.679 --> 00:59:42.079
If I pick the topic for days, I'm like, oh everybody's gonna hate that one thing.
00:59:42.719 --> 00:59:43.760
So stupid.
00:59:44.400 --> 00:59:46.800
But we do that to ourselves, like both of us.
00:59:47.039 --> 00:59:48.079
No one else is thinking that.
00:59:48.320 --> 00:59:48.960
It's just us, yeah.
00:59:49.280 --> 00:59:50.639
Yeah, nobody's nobody is.
00:59:50.800 --> 00:59:54.320
But I the I just want to really like keep pressing on this.
00:59:54.480 --> 01:00:04.480
I think it's the second time I've said this since we've been here, but like exactly what you just said, the ability to talk about the ugly parts and how that frees people is transformative.
01:00:05.039 --> 01:00:12.559
And I think um a narrative that the enemy will give us is that if you talk about it and you're okay with it, it means you're condoning it or it means that it's okay.
01:00:12.639 --> 01:00:16.480
Yeah, so don't share it because you don't want other people to think it's okay.
01:00:17.039 --> 01:00:23.519
And even if you're you're you feel like you're free of shame for yourself, like it's always going to be used for good.
01:00:23.599 --> 01:00:28.320
You know, what what um the devil meant for bad, God's gonna use for good.
01:00:28.800 --> 01:00:34.079
And I love I this is like a weird thing to say, but I like I love people who have come out of addiction.
01:00:34.159 --> 01:00:36.320
I feel like it's been around my entire life.
01:00:36.559 --> 01:00:38.719
I'm I'm married to a man in recovery.
01:00:39.280 --> 01:00:48.719
Um both of my parents have had have come out of addiction, and it automatically makes me want to like I feel like I understand somebody more.
01:00:48.880 --> 01:00:50.800
I feel like I can see them in a different way.
01:00:51.599 --> 01:01:04.800
And it's just like there's nothing that should keep us so bound to our shame that keep cause that that those shameful parts are in that part of that testimony is what's gonna open doors for people.
01:01:04.960 --> 01:01:05.280
That's right.
01:01:05.519 --> 01:01:09.280
Like people are gonna share things that they never thought they would, and then it's gonna break chains.
01:01:09.360 --> 01:01:09.599
Yeah.
01:01:09.840 --> 01:01:20.159
Or you're gonna open up even relationships you thought you could never have, like the way you and Jordan, where you were like, I'm I love that you have no shame with this, that you're not worried about that.
01:01:20.559 --> 01:01:29.440
And we can all like as you know, self-proclaimed performative or perfectionists, then sit back and be like, it's not it's okay.
01:01:29.599 --> 01:01:31.519
Yeah, we're gonna it's gonna be okay.
01:01:31.679 --> 01:01:33.199
Yeah, it's gonna be okay.
01:01:33.440 --> 01:01:54.239
I even think that when you know someone personally that has been through that journey, because we love our husbands, because we love Vic, because we love these people where we know like what they've been through, that it gives a grace for someone that's walked that journey, even if you don't know them.
01:01:54.400 --> 01:01:56.559
Yeah, it increases your ability to love others.
01:01:57.039 --> 01:02:08.400
And so it's yeah, how you're saying when you meet someone that's in recovery and has conquered an addiction, that you automatically feel like almost like an understanding with and for them.
01:02:08.559 --> 01:02:15.280
And so even if I had met someone that I didn't know at all, but I know their testimony, I have a different grace for them.
01:02:15.360 --> 01:02:18.239
Yeah, because I know really amazing people that have walked that path.
01:02:18.400 --> 01:02:18.639
Yeah.
01:02:18.800 --> 01:02:20.960
And it doesn't make anyone less than because of it.
01:02:21.039 --> 01:02:22.079
If anything, it's the opposite.
01:02:22.480 --> 01:02:23.360
No, totally, yeah.
01:02:23.440 --> 01:02:24.960
It gives you so much power.
01:02:25.199 --> 01:02:28.159
Yeah, like I mean, it brings so much glory to God too.
01:02:28.239 --> 01:02:31.760
Like, um, yeah, it really does.
01:02:32.000 --> 01:02:34.400
So fast forward, it's now been four years.
01:02:34.639 --> 01:02:35.280
Yeah.
01:02:35.840 --> 01:02:37.760
And you're married now.
01:02:38.000 --> 01:02:39.039
How long have you been married for?
01:02:39.360 --> 01:02:41.119
Three months, like two uh just a couple days ago.
01:02:41.760 --> 01:02:42.480
Three months mark.
01:02:42.960 --> 01:02:43.119
Yeah.
01:02:43.440 --> 01:02:45.440
And I mean how long have you guys been married?
01:02:45.679 --> 01:02:48.159
Um, we got married in 2022.
01:02:48.400 --> 01:02:48.719
Okay.
01:02:48.880 --> 01:02:51.599
So not uh of November.
01:02:52.000 --> 01:02:54.159
Okay, so almost you're going on almost four years.
01:02:54.320 --> 01:02:55.280
Yeah, so three and a half years.
01:02:56.400 --> 01:02:56.719
Two years.
01:02:56.880 --> 01:02:57.280
Two years.
01:02:57.519 --> 01:02:59.199
So we've all been married under five.
01:02:59.519 --> 01:03:00.559
Yeah, we're all newlyweds.
01:03:00.639 --> 01:03:00.800
Yeah.
01:03:00.960 --> 01:03:01.760
Congratulations.
01:03:01.920 --> 01:03:05.280
Congratulations, all of us in the brain married.
01:03:05.440 --> 01:03:07.679
Yeah, praise God.
01:03:07.840 --> 01:03:08.559
We've made it.
01:03:08.719 --> 01:03:11.840
Now we can give marriage advice and just getting the book.
01:03:14.159 --> 01:03:16.079
How um how did that happen?
01:03:16.400 --> 01:03:18.159
How much do you want to tell us about that?
01:03:18.320 --> 01:03:19.440
I mean, how much time do we have?
01:03:19.519 --> 01:03:20.639
It's a long story case.
01:03:21.519 --> 01:03:28.000
Spoiler alert, that toxic relationship that I talked about um that I was in before I got sober was with him.
01:03:28.320 --> 01:03:29.360
Oh my goodness.
01:03:30.000 --> 01:03:30.719
It was with him.
01:03:30.880 --> 01:03:31.119
Yeah.
01:03:31.519 --> 01:03:32.960
Talk about redemption.
01:03:33.119 --> 01:03:38.480
It's a redemption story, like, and I I I love redemption stories, so I think I wanted it.
01:03:38.559 --> 01:03:39.599
Yeah, you know, towards the end.
01:03:39.679 --> 01:03:41.840
I didn't at first when uh so we broke up.
01:03:42.079 --> 01:03:43.440
Gosh, I actually love this so much.
01:03:43.840 --> 01:03:46.159
I know because I knew that you were in a relationship.
01:03:46.320 --> 01:03:48.000
We had gotten coffee once and you had mentioned it.
01:03:48.719 --> 01:03:49.199
Wow.
01:03:49.360 --> 01:03:49.840
Yeah cool.
01:03:50.000 --> 01:03:51.039
Okay, sorry, keep going.
01:03:51.199 --> 01:03:53.119
Yeah, well, we broke up right before I went into treatment.
01:03:53.199 --> 01:03:53.519
Yeah.
01:03:53.679 --> 01:04:06.000
Um, and I think now looking back, it was the grace of God because I'm I when I love somebody, it is so hard for me to move on, even if it's not good for me, especially if it's not good for me.
01:04:06.400 --> 01:04:09.039
That was the history I had with men in my life.
01:04:09.280 --> 01:04:16.960
And so I was really worried that I was gonna like pine after him and all this stuff.
01:04:17.039 --> 01:04:22.800
And so I we broke up, went to treatment, and it was like God took it away from me.
01:04:23.039 --> 01:04:23.679
Wow.
01:04:23.920 --> 01:04:29.280
And I remember I didn't, I didn't think about like, you know, wanting to be with him, getting back together with him.
01:04:29.360 --> 01:04:30.400
I was done.
01:04:30.800 --> 01:04:34.880
And all I wanted to do was work on getting like in recovery.
01:04:35.039 --> 01:04:36.480
Like, I want to be better.
01:04:36.639 --> 01:04:42.639
I want to, I wanna conquer this problem of alcohol in my life, and I want to grow and be a better person.
01:04:42.880 --> 01:04:49.039
And I remember asking my uh counselor at the time, like, is that is it weird that I just am over it?
01:04:49.199 --> 01:04:51.119
Like, there's no because we've been together for four years.
01:04:51.199 --> 01:04:53.599
I'm like, is it weird that I just am done?
01:04:53.679 --> 01:04:58.719
And she's like, No, I think you knew it was supposed to be done and for a while until you finally ended it.
01:04:58.880 --> 01:05:03.119
And you know, fast forward, so he wanted to stay together and you wanted to get back together.
01:05:03.360 --> 01:05:09.920
So he reached out a lot and finally I was like, look, I I can't, I'm gonna have to block you, like you know, all that stuff.
01:05:10.239 --> 01:05:16.239
And I said it in a nice way, but I'm just like, I I have to because I I can't do both, and I think that's what it was at the time.
01:05:16.320 --> 01:05:25.280
I think God was like, that's gonna be too much for you to get sober and also be fix and somehow like grow in this relationship.
01:05:25.360 --> 01:05:26.079
It was too much.
01:05:26.239 --> 01:05:28.559
That is so good, really, really, really good.
01:05:28.800 --> 01:05:39.119
So for a year he wanted to be back together with me, but I didn't, you know, and then you know, I would say, like, maybe I time my timing is off on it.
01:05:39.199 --> 01:05:42.159
But at some point I was like, maybe he was the one.
01:05:42.639 --> 01:05:45.119
Maybe, maybe I should have leaned into that.
01:05:45.280 --> 01:05:47.119
And so I reached out to him and he was in a relationship.
01:05:47.199 --> 01:05:47.440
Mm-hmm.
01:05:47.599 --> 01:05:49.280
He was saying someone, and I was mad at the time.
01:05:49.360 --> 01:05:52.480
I was like, Oh, because we talked and I was like, Oh, he's done so much work.
01:05:52.880 --> 01:05:56.320
And I've done so much work and like we've grown individually.
01:05:56.400 --> 01:05:59.119
Yeah, and now he's gonna be in a relationship with another woman.
01:06:00.320 --> 01:06:00.480
Yeah.
01:06:00.960 --> 01:06:01.360
So mad.
01:06:01.679 --> 01:06:04.079
I'm like, you're supposed to be waiting for me.
01:06:04.719 --> 01:06:06.159
And I'm like, no, he shouldn't have.
01:06:06.239 --> 01:06:13.199
You know, so then then I felt like I needed it was time for me, and this is what I kind of experienced was grieving the loss of that relationship.
01:06:13.519 --> 01:06:17.280
I couldn't have grieved it at the same time as getting sober, but a couple years later I could.
01:06:18.000 --> 01:06:18.400
And I did.
01:06:18.480 --> 01:06:20.000
And I was just reading through my journals.
01:06:20.079 --> 01:06:21.199
I was like, that's it.
01:06:21.360 --> 01:06:22.400
I'm going to be single.
01:06:22.480 --> 01:06:22.719
Yeah.
01:06:22.880 --> 01:06:23.519
I am done.
01:06:23.679 --> 01:06:24.719
I'm going to be single.
01:06:24.960 --> 01:06:34.800
You know, I wanted, you said this in I think one podcast where you were like, you know, women that come to you and are struggling with something, and you want to be like, I know it's like you know it's going to be fine.
01:06:34.960 --> 01:06:35.199
Right.
01:06:35.360 --> 01:06:36.320
But you want to have compassion.
01:06:36.480 --> 01:06:38.480
Like I wanna say that necessarily too.
01:06:38.719 --> 01:06:45.280
Like 21-year-old women that are like distraught because they've waited so long for their husband.
01:06:45.440 --> 01:06:48.800
And I'm like, yeah, okay, are you freaking kidding me?
01:06:48.880 --> 01:06:50.559
I love in my 40s.
01:06:50.639 --> 01:06:53.280
I wanted to be married and have my first kid by the time I was 25.
01:06:53.360 --> 01:06:53.519
Yeah.
01:06:53.679 --> 01:06:53.920
Done.
01:06:54.000 --> 01:06:54.800
And I wanted three kids.
01:06:55.039 --> 01:06:56.239
Like that was my story.
01:06:56.639 --> 01:06:58.000
And none of that happened.
01:06:58.079 --> 01:07:00.239
So I'm in my 40s, you know, at this point.
01:07:00.480 --> 01:07:02.960
And I was just like, I'm I'm done.
01:07:03.199 --> 01:07:11.360
I don't have, first of all, you know, sex is it's um, it's not that it's overrated, but I was like, it's unnecessary.
01:07:11.440 --> 01:07:11.519
Yeah.
01:07:11.679 --> 01:07:12.559
That's what I wrote in my journal.
01:07:12.639 --> 01:07:13.199
It's unnecessary.
01:07:13.280 --> 01:07:13.920
I don't need it.
01:07:14.000 --> 01:07:16.639
I don't have to have a physical connection with anyone ever again.
01:07:16.800 --> 01:07:18.960
And I don't have to like, you know, be married.
01:07:19.039 --> 01:07:20.000
And I don't have to, I'm fine.
01:07:20.079 --> 01:07:21.039
I have nieces and nephews.
01:07:21.119 --> 01:07:22.480
I don't have to have a I don't have to have a kid.
01:07:22.639 --> 01:07:23.519
I have nieces and nephews.
01:07:23.760 --> 01:07:24.480
They're gonna have kids.
01:07:24.559 --> 01:07:29.119
I'm good, you know, like and when we try to reason with ourselves, that's so crazy.
01:07:30.320 --> 01:07:38.800
But I think there was a point where I was like, I need to be okay, not looking for in I spent so many years longing for what I didn't have.
01:07:39.280 --> 01:07:43.760
Like it was under the surface in everything I did.
01:07:44.480 --> 01:07:45.440
I just got chills.
01:07:45.599 --> 01:07:55.599
That is literally like even in the way how that that feeling of um maybe missing him, how God was able to like pluck that out.
01:07:55.679 --> 01:08:05.599
Like I literally pictured God coming in with like tweezers and just like plucking it out in the way that he can so completely remove it at the root and just remove it.
01:08:05.760 --> 01:08:06.159
Yeah.
01:08:06.480 --> 01:08:15.440
But even just that he could be so good to now reposition us where that we're no longer making other things above him, right?
01:08:15.599 --> 01:08:17.119
That really we needed that.
01:08:17.199 --> 01:08:23.760
But how he was able to orient that in your in your story in a way where it just like it it flowed like that.
01:08:23.840 --> 01:08:25.920
And before you realize it, you're like, I'm free.
01:08:26.079 --> 01:08:30.800
Yeah, totally free, and okay, like wow, honestly, okay.
01:08:30.960 --> 01:08:54.079
And now, you know, I've been married three months, which is not long, but I want to say like last month, I was looking back over some stuff, journals and things, and um that pain and that loneliness that I felt sometimes stronger than others, but always felt, always felt because you know, my family had all been married, you know, they all had immediate family, but my immediate family was my siblings.
01:08:54.239 --> 01:08:54.479
Right.
01:08:54.640 --> 01:08:58.000
And so there was always this like lack.
01:08:58.159 --> 01:09:02.720
Like I just had this, I was surrounded by love, people, but I felt lonely.
01:09:02.800 --> 01:09:05.199
I'm like, I go home to bed by myself.
01:09:05.279 --> 01:09:12.159
Yeah, I make all my decisions by myself with God, but like not having, you know, now like you bounce it off of your husband.
01:09:12.319 --> 01:09:15.359
You're like, hey, what do you let's pray about it together, let's whatever.
01:09:15.600 --> 01:09:17.199
And so that pain I felt first.
01:09:17.520 --> 01:09:18.880
I don't even remember what it feels like.
01:09:19.199 --> 01:09:19.760
Wow.
01:09:20.079 --> 01:09:22.720
It's been three, I don't even remember what it feels what it felt like.
01:09:22.960 --> 01:09:25.039
That's so God can change that.
01:09:25.119 --> 01:09:28.880
And if someone had told me that when I was single, I would have been like, okay, whatever.
01:09:29.039 --> 01:09:30.479
But like I really mean it.
01:09:30.560 --> 01:09:31.840
It changed like that.
01:09:32.319 --> 01:09:32.720
Wow.
01:09:32.960 --> 01:09:33.439
It's crazy.
01:09:33.600 --> 01:09:37.119
Yeah, he changes your desires in your heart.
01:09:38.239 --> 01:09:40.800
Okay, and just real quick, Psalm 37, 4.
01:09:40.880 --> 01:09:43.520
It's uh God will give you the desires of your heart.
01:09:44.000 --> 01:09:52.000
Someone framed that for me once where it wasn't like he will give you what you want, but he puts in you the desires you have.
01:09:52.159 --> 01:09:53.680
Yeah, like he'll give you the desire.
01:09:53.920 --> 01:09:57.119
So what I was longing for, all this stuff, it just was gone.
01:09:57.279 --> 01:09:59.520
And then when I got it, it's crazy.
01:09:59.600 --> 01:10:01.520
Like people are like, when you're not looking for it, it'll show up.
01:10:01.680 --> 01:10:02.880
And I never believed that crap.
01:10:03.279 --> 01:10:04.479
Now I'm like, it kind of.
01:10:04.800 --> 01:10:06.159
So question to question.
01:10:06.399 --> 01:10:09.760
The the I know that your husband, his name is Matthew.
01:10:10.159 --> 01:10:10.640
Matthew.
01:10:11.039 --> 01:10:24.319
Um, that you dated him previously, but when you were, I don't know, young, or at any point when you pictured like who you were going to marry, was it does he fit all those qualities?
01:10:24.640 --> 01:10:25.039
She is it.
01:10:26.239 --> 01:10:27.439
Yeah, and this is the opposite.
01:10:27.600 --> 01:10:32.319
Was it the opposite for your both of us married somebody that we never ever would have thought?
01:10:32.800 --> 01:10:40.079
And so just what you were saying about like gives you the desires of your heart and the way that like it's not everything you want, like gimme, gimme.
01:10:40.239 --> 01:10:41.920
It's this is my these are my dreams.
01:10:42.000 --> 01:10:46.239
It's like I'm gonna just um prune you and tenderize you and move you.
01:10:46.319 --> 01:10:50.720
So now this is the desires of your heart because this is what this is what is perfect for you.
01:10:50.880 --> 01:10:51.279
Yeah.
01:10:51.520 --> 01:10:52.800
But you just got what you wanted.
01:10:52.960 --> 01:11:00.159
Yeah, well, physically speaking, I mean like, yeah, he would be my he matches my celebrity crush, you know, like pretty, pretty close.
01:11:00.239 --> 01:11:02.000
And so that piece is great.
01:11:02.079 --> 01:11:05.680
Um, but yeah, I always wanted to be with a kind man.
01:11:05.840 --> 01:11:08.880
Yeah, just kind, and he is so kind to me.
01:11:09.119 --> 01:11:25.439
You know, I have said hi to him a handful of times, but in those even handful of times, like you can uh normally like sense when even from like a hello with people, not to assume, but yeah, but he does have like a um, I don't know, kindness is like a perfect word.
01:11:26.079 --> 01:11:31.039
Like even how someone says hi back, because I could be like, you know, good morning, and they're like, good morning.
01:11:31.359 --> 01:11:38.239
But it's like when he says it's it's like full, like genuine kindness, fully present saying good morning back.
01:11:38.479 --> 01:11:43.439
He definitely has calmed me down, um, slowed me down in a good way.
01:11:43.600 --> 01:11:51.039
Because I'm just like a go-go, which I imagine you probably are somewhat too, like just get it done, move, move, move constantly.
01:11:51.119 --> 01:11:54.560
And he's like, Hey, can we just sit for a second?
01:11:54.880 --> 01:11:57.680
Like, I'll come home from work and then I'm just like I start cleaning.
01:11:57.840 --> 01:11:59.760
And he's like, Can we just stop for a second?
01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:01.600
I'm like, Oh, yeah, we can.
01:12:02.319 --> 01:12:03.279
We should, we should stop.
01:12:03.760 --> 01:12:10.000
Another scripture, but like, come to me, all who are you know, um heavy laden.
01:12:10.479 --> 01:12:12.960
Yeah, and um, I'll give you rest.
01:12:13.680 --> 01:12:18.239
It's he's giving you rest, yes, and he gave you rest through your husband.
01:12:18.800 --> 01:12:20.560
Yeah, that's beautiful, yeah.
01:12:20.720 --> 01:12:26.159
And now you get to like take it easy, put your feet in running around you get to chill.
01:12:26.479 --> 01:12:30.399
He literally massages my feet every day.
01:12:31.279 --> 01:12:35.039
And I never even knew I wanted like word enjoy a foot massage.
01:12:35.119 --> 01:12:39.439
Like you never did that, and then he started doing it, and I was like, hold on, yeah, this is amazing.
01:12:41.199 --> 01:12:42.159
Yeah, every day.
01:12:42.319 --> 01:12:44.880
I put I literally put my feet up every day.
01:12:45.199 --> 01:12:49.119
I think the moral of the story is everyone that has plans just throw them away.
01:12:49.359 --> 01:12:51.279
Yeah, it's not they're not as good.
01:12:52.079 --> 01:12:54.000
Trust me, they're just not, yeah.
01:12:54.239 --> 01:12:55.600
Yeah, so true.
01:12:55.840 --> 01:13:15.920
It's funny, like I'm even thinking about like um made so many mistakes in my 20s and so many things were I thought I had planned, and it's just not even remotely close, not even hitting the target board, like at all, you know, like 18 having my map left out, life mapped out, like how much of a joke is that?
01:13:16.319 --> 01:13:19.520
18 thinking like you know the rest of your life, you know?
01:13:20.159 --> 01:13:28.479
But got to a point where I just feel like the um the standard of success as years went just got lower and lower and lower.
01:13:28.560 --> 01:13:37.039
And I remember like in my like maybe mid-20s thinking, like, okay, Kim, well, the thing that you could not mess up is having a kid out of wedlock.
01:13:37.119 --> 01:13:39.680
That'll be the thing where it's like, okay, you haven't completely failed.
01:13:39.760 --> 01:13:40.159
Oh wow.
01:13:40.239 --> 01:13:41.439
Not having your line.
01:13:41.600 --> 01:13:41.760
Yeah.
01:13:41.920 --> 01:13:44.000
So I'm like, okay, that's like the bottom line.
01:13:44.079 --> 01:13:46.720
You're fine long as you don't have a kid out of wedlock.
01:13:46.960 --> 01:13:48.880
And then I had a kid out of wedlock.
01:13:49.039 --> 01:14:00.960
And then I just felt like I had like, wow, Lord, literally every single goal and plan that I thought I had for myself, I just completely missed it.
01:14:01.199 --> 01:14:04.800
But genuinely, how God will just turn it into something so beautiful.
01:14:04.880 --> 01:14:10.800
And now I look at Kendrick, I'm like, I can't imagine life without like you're such a joy, you know?
01:14:11.439 --> 01:14:20.800
But even now hearing your story with Matthew, I'm like, wow, everything that we thought, even when you got to the point of like, oh yeah, I don't, I'm over him.
01:14:20.880 --> 01:14:21.119
Yeah.
01:14:21.680 --> 01:14:30.159
And then how God will just come and swoop back in and be like, no, this is a good thing that I had in the storehouse for you.
01:14:30.319 --> 01:14:31.439
That now you're ready.
01:14:32.159 --> 01:14:33.039
Timing cool.
01:14:33.439 --> 01:14:34.000
Timing.
01:14:34.159 --> 01:14:34.479
Yeah.
01:14:35.840 --> 01:14:37.279
I wish it all could be quicker.
01:14:37.600 --> 01:14:38.239
Yeah, right.
01:14:38.479 --> 01:14:38.960
Say that again.
01:14:39.439 --> 01:14:40.399
But actually that's changing.
01:14:40.640 --> 01:14:45.600
I would say now I'm like slowing down is a really I like it.
01:14:46.000 --> 01:14:59.520
It's not my knee-jerk, you know, default reaction, and it probably never will be, but I do like slowing the pace down and actually really enjoying life with the people I love and the stuff that's really important.
01:14:59.760 --> 01:15:03.520
Yeah, being with God, like my mornings, all that stuff.
01:15:03.760 --> 01:15:06.159
That was never it was like a to-do.
01:15:06.319 --> 01:15:08.319
Gotta do, gotta do, you know, gotta check that off.
01:15:08.399 --> 01:15:11.600
You know, I gotta spend time with God, I gotta read my Bible, you know, this years ago.
01:15:11.680 --> 01:15:14.000
But now it's like that's my joy.
01:15:14.159 --> 01:15:17.439
Like, I I love those times when you show me upstairs your space.
01:15:17.520 --> 01:15:19.359
I was like, oh my god, I love this space.
01:15:19.439 --> 01:15:20.079
I would love this space.
01:15:20.239 --> 01:15:23.119
I'm glad you had that response too, because I felt that in my soul.
01:15:23.279 --> 01:15:23.600
Yeah.
01:15:23.840 --> 01:15:26.720
Like, I love a slow morning, even like on vacation.
01:15:26.800 --> 01:15:28.640
I'm like, oh god, especially on vacation.
01:15:29.279 --> 01:15:30.479
Slow morning, quiet.
01:15:31.439 --> 01:15:33.439
I always every day need a slow morning.
01:15:33.680 --> 01:15:36.640
Yeah, I don't schedule anything before 10 for that reason.
01:15:36.880 --> 01:15:37.680
That's nice, yeah.
01:15:37.760 --> 01:15:38.239
I like that.
01:15:38.319 --> 01:15:39.199
I'm gonna start doing that.
01:15:39.279 --> 01:15:40.560
Yeah, I'm gonna tell my boss.
01:15:40.800 --> 01:15:43.039
Yeah, it will back you up.
01:15:44.079 --> 01:15:47.760
Um, you have any last thoughts here?
01:15:48.079 --> 01:15:49.199
Last words.
01:15:49.439 --> 01:15:51.439
Um, are we wrapping it up?
01:15:51.920 --> 01:15:55.920
Um, um, I mean, I still have like a handful things.
01:15:56.239 --> 01:15:56.880
Keep going.
01:15:57.119 --> 01:15:58.960
But you don't have anywhere you need to be.
01:15:59.119 --> 01:15:59.840
No, okay.
01:16:00.560 --> 01:16:03.600
So this was from the last coffee talk episode.
01:16:03.760 --> 01:16:04.079
Okay.
01:16:04.239 --> 01:16:06.399
That I thought this was like so good.
01:16:06.479 --> 01:16:11.279
I'm talking back to you guys a lot of times where I'm like, we're to the point because it should be like a conversation.
01:16:11.520 --> 01:16:13.199
Like you should be in the in the room with us, yeah.
01:16:13.359 --> 01:16:22.000
Like we said or I said earlier, I feel like I know you and like it's probably strange because I listen to you every week, you know?
01:16:22.079 --> 01:16:24.800
Yeah, and I feel the same way about you guys when I listen to it.
01:16:24.880 --> 01:16:27.680
It's just very like you feel like you know the people you're in the room.
01:16:32.880 --> 01:16:41.359
But um, so you guys were talking about on the episode about masculine versus feminine energy.
01:16:41.520 --> 01:16:44.560
And I I want to say you even told Bill, like, you'll probably hate this word.
01:16:44.720 --> 01:16:44.880
Yeah.
01:16:45.039 --> 01:16:46.000
Because I don't like the energy word.
01:16:46.399 --> 01:16:48.640
Neither do I just how culture has hijacked it.
01:16:48.880 --> 01:16:58.239
But you guys listening get like the essence of what we're saying, how that has shifted from being married and now having a man of the house there.
01:16:58.399 --> 01:17:05.680
And we had even talked about how we're so used to just doing it on our own because we really had to, like, who else is gonna do it, you know?
01:17:05.920 --> 01:17:16.479
Um, but those moments where you're having to slow down, like you were saying, and remind yourself that like let's create margin to let my husband be the man of the house.
01:17:17.039 --> 01:17:24.800
Um, can you, I don't know, practically kind of paint a picture of how that's been and how that's been something that you've had to change?
01:17:25.279 --> 01:17:35.199
It's only been three months, but yeah, I mean it's something me and Jordan constantly butt heads about it because that is like a tension that we're not even aware of sometimes until we actually slow down and talk.
01:17:35.359 --> 01:17:47.920
Yeah, I would not have been aware of it until uh the therapist that we work with, which she's so it's so helpful, like to have somebody unbiased and knowledgeable help you with your relationships, you know.
01:17:48.079 --> 01:17:48.399
For real.
01:17:48.720 --> 01:17:53.520
We started seeing her, he's seen her for eight years by himself, and then we started seeing her together.
01:17:53.680 --> 01:18:02.960
But um the the feminine masculine energy thing is like essentially she I kind of explained like some of the fights we'd have or whatever.
01:18:03.439 --> 01:18:08.319
And and I've just been so used to being in control because I've had to.
01:18:08.640 --> 01:18:17.680
And it wasn't like a burden or anything, it's like I like the idea of like somebody filling taking my car and filling up my gas, like I'm like, what?
01:18:17.840 --> 01:18:20.880
Like I first of all, I don't need that, like I can do that.
01:18:21.039 --> 01:18:23.359
Um, but then also like I need that, yeah.
01:18:23.600 --> 01:18:24.479
Well now I need it.
01:18:24.800 --> 01:18:25.439
Now I need it.
01:18:25.520 --> 01:18:26.479
I didn't know I needed it.
01:18:26.560 --> 01:18:30.000
Now I need it, but um just because I just didn't have it, you know.
01:18:30.159 --> 01:18:36.880
And so like it's uh when we were dating, he did not want me to get out of the car on my own.
01:18:37.039 --> 01:18:38.720
He'd want to park, walk around.
01:18:39.039 --> 01:18:40.319
What a minute.
01:18:41.520 --> 01:18:42.319
Still to this day.
01:18:42.560 --> 01:18:43.680
Yeah, that's great though.
01:18:43.840 --> 01:18:46.159
Yeah, like wait, I need to sit still.
01:18:46.399 --> 01:18:47.359
Yeah, five seconds.
01:18:47.439 --> 01:18:50.319
And I'm like, oh my God, five, like, I'm just sitting there.
01:18:50.399 --> 01:18:52.640
It's the most uncomfortable five seconds when it first started happening.
01:18:52.720 --> 01:18:54.640
Because I'm like, I can open my door.
01:18:54.720 --> 01:18:56.239
I don't need him to open it.
01:18:56.319 --> 01:19:01.439
Um, and I told my counselor, and she's like, What why don't you just pray for him in that moment?
01:19:01.520 --> 01:19:04.720
Like just something be like, oh, I do so much for this man that you know, like loves me.
01:19:05.359 --> 01:19:06.640
And I was like, okay.
01:19:06.880 --> 01:19:11.279
So I'm not thinking about like what I could get done with that extra five seconds, because that's where my brain goes.
01:19:11.359 --> 01:19:13.279
I'm like, we could be in the store already.
01:19:13.359 --> 01:19:15.199
Yeah, you know, if I just opened my own door.
01:19:15.359 --> 01:19:16.479
And so she was like, just pray for him.
01:19:16.560 --> 01:19:18.000
So I'm like, okay, that's super powerful.
01:19:19.359 --> 01:19:23.520
Like, if I grab the door to open it, he's like, let it happen one more time.
01:19:23.680 --> 01:19:36.000
Like, don't touch the I'm like, okay, yeah, you know, and it's letting him step into this, I think, divine how men were created to be, you know, and that's a generalization, but there is a divine, like there is men and women.
01:19:36.079 --> 01:19:39.840
And so, like, protecting, like he is a protector by nature, right?
01:19:39.920 --> 01:19:41.439
Yeah, provider by nature.
01:19:41.600 --> 01:19:46.399
And like, so even just the small thing like opening the door for me is protective in a way.
01:19:46.560 --> 01:19:50.319
When he holds my hand and we're walking, he wants to be on the outside by the road.
01:19:50.560 --> 01:19:52.399
That used to bother me so much.
01:19:52.800 --> 01:19:54.800
Like, I'm like, you're making me move.
01:19:55.039 --> 01:19:57.039
It used to almost feel like an inconvenience.
01:19:57.199 --> 01:19:58.720
Or make me feel like I'm weak.
01:19:58.800 --> 01:20:04.159
Yeah, but that's how I would feel, and not he wasn't doing that, but I would feel like, but I'm okay, like I don't need that.
01:20:04.239 --> 01:20:12.159
And then I realized, like, maybe I do, maybe I need to chill out and stop trying to control and run everything and let him be who he's supposed to be.
01:20:12.239 --> 01:20:14.159
And our and it's awesome.
01:20:14.239 --> 01:20:16.399
And I keep telling him you've created a monster awesome.
01:20:16.560 --> 01:20:18.159
You're wait for three minutes.
01:20:18.319 --> 01:20:20.319
If you get out of the car, I'm not getting out of the screen.
01:20:21.840 --> 01:20:25.359
You're not there, still in the car is in the store.
01:20:25.600 --> 01:20:26.560
Yeah, totally.
01:20:27.039 --> 01:20:30.720
That's something we do all, I think, have to reframe.
01:20:30.960 --> 01:20:31.760
Yeah, yeah.
01:20:32.000 --> 01:20:36.399
Yeah, just the part the point of like masculine and feminine, feminine energy.
01:20:36.880 --> 01:20:48.880
That is it's a weird thing to say, and it's using the energy, which is like more of like let's say tendency language, yeah, but it truthfully it's how God designed us, yeah, and that's the truth, that's the truth.
01:20:49.039 --> 01:20:53.039
And when you're in God's design, things just flow easier, right?
01:20:53.199 --> 01:20:53.920
And it just works.
01:20:54.479 --> 01:20:54.800
That's it.
01:20:54.880 --> 01:21:02.960
It's like it's there's an ease to it and a piece, you know, kind of being who you were created to be, you know.
01:21:03.680 --> 01:21:07.760
They're designed to hold that capacity and to operate in that way.
01:21:07.840 --> 01:21:09.279
I really do feel like that.
01:21:09.680 --> 01:21:15.680
Um, it's little things like Kim in her 20s would say, I don't like flowers, you know?
01:21:15.840 --> 01:21:17.199
But now I'm like, Are you kidding me?
01:21:17.279 --> 01:21:18.239
I love flowers.
01:21:18.399 --> 01:21:19.359
Yeah, they give me some flowers.
01:21:19.520 --> 01:21:24.479
I bought a vase, a new vase, and I was like, for and I told him, I was like, this is for when my husband buys me flowers.
01:21:33.760 --> 01:21:37.520
I know sometimes I'll be like, Baby, in a hurry, so is it okay if I get my door?
01:21:37.600 --> 01:21:38.800
And he's like, Yes, you can get your door.
01:21:38.880 --> 01:21:39.439
I'm like, okay.
01:21:39.680 --> 01:21:42.880
I love that though, even just that conversation.
01:21:43.279 --> 01:21:44.000
It's awesome.
01:21:44.159 --> 01:21:45.439
It's a different way of life.
01:21:45.520 --> 01:21:50.239
And I, you know, I'm 46, about to be 47, and I've lived that way for so long.
01:21:50.399 --> 01:21:52.960
It's not wrong, but that's just how I've lived.
01:21:53.119 --> 01:21:56.239
You know, like even me, I open the door for other people.
01:21:56.479 --> 01:21:57.520
They walk in before me.
01:21:57.600 --> 01:22:01.119
So we would always stumble over each other because he'd be waiting for me and I'd be waiting for him.
01:22:01.199 --> 01:22:02.319
And then he's like, What are you doing?
01:22:02.479 --> 01:22:04.960
I'm like, Oh yeah, yeah, let me walk through the door, you know, kind of stuff.
01:22:05.119 --> 01:22:14.560
And it's just those are little simple, yeah, fun things, but it's the bigger stuff too, like, you know, plans and you know, bills, and like, did you pay it?
01:22:14.640 --> 01:22:18.479
Well, you didn't pay it, it just came out, it came out three days ago, or it came out 30 seconds ago.
01:22:18.560 --> 01:22:19.359
You did you see the email?
01:22:19.439 --> 01:22:21.920
And he's like, I don't check my email every five minutes.
01:22:22.079 --> 01:22:22.960
And I was like, You don't?
01:22:23.199 --> 01:22:25.680
Like, why would you not check your emails in five minutes?
01:22:26.239 --> 01:22:36.399
I love the door analogy though, because that is such a perfect just picture of if there's two people trying to get the door at the same time, you end up stumbling.
01:22:36.800 --> 01:22:44.960
And that's exactly what happens when it's like the man is trying to lead, the woman is trying to lead, and you're just gonna both get stuck in the door trying to go through at the same time.
01:22:47.600 --> 01:22:47.760
Right.
01:22:48.000 --> 01:22:51.520
You got a husband for to be do husband things and a wife to do wife things.
01:22:51.680 --> 01:22:51.840
Yeah.
01:22:52.000 --> 01:22:53.920
Speaking of cooks, you gotta cook in the kitchen.
01:22:54.159 --> 01:22:54.960
Yeah, thank God.
01:22:55.119 --> 01:22:55.600
That's so awesome.
01:22:56.479 --> 01:22:57.760
You cook a little.
01:22:57.840 --> 01:22:59.760
I mean, not a ton, but yeah, I know I don't cook.
01:22:59.840 --> 01:23:00.159
Yeah, yeah.
01:23:00.880 --> 01:23:01.840
He was gone all week.
01:23:01.920 --> 01:23:02.880
I ate twice.
01:23:03.920 --> 01:23:07.680
I mean, one of the times I ate, your sister, Christiana, bought me a Christmas.
01:23:08.479 --> 01:23:09.520
Oh my gosh.
01:23:09.760 --> 01:23:11.039
He came home last night.
01:23:11.199 --> 01:23:12.079
God, I don't care.
01:23:13.520 --> 01:23:15.680
Speaking of creating a monster, yeah.
01:23:15.920 --> 01:23:19.439
I as soon as he got home, I started falling asleep.
01:23:19.600 --> 01:23:22.800
I was like, my nervous system complete different.
01:23:23.119 --> 01:23:23.920
Especially scientific.
01:23:24.079 --> 01:23:24.880
Yes, yeah, yeah.
01:23:25.119 --> 01:23:26.960
I was like, oh my gosh.
01:23:27.119 --> 01:23:28.319
I'm like, aren't you tired?
01:23:28.399 --> 01:23:30.960
I'm like half falling asleep, and he's like, No.
01:23:31.199 --> 01:23:31.760
Yeah.
01:23:32.000 --> 01:23:33.359
No, that's actually a good point.
01:23:33.439 --> 01:23:36.079
Because when Jordan's gone, even Kendrick will feel it.
01:23:36.239 --> 01:23:40.800
He'll be like, he has never asked me, Mom, did you make sure the door is um locked?
01:23:40.880 --> 01:23:44.880
And even the balcony sliding door, is it locked when Jordan was gone one night?
01:23:45.119 --> 01:23:46.880
Kendrick popped his head out over here.
01:23:47.119 --> 01:23:51.199
He's like, Mommy, that that door that moves like sideways, is that locked?
01:23:51.760 --> 01:23:54.560
And I'm like, What made you you'll feel safe with me with so much?
01:23:55.439 --> 01:23:59.039
But he felt like the absence of interesting Jordan, yeah.
01:23:59.199 --> 01:24:01.039
And obviously we didn't teach him that.
01:24:01.279 --> 01:24:02.319
He just feels that.
01:24:02.479 --> 01:24:03.840
Yeah, that's crazy.
01:24:04.000 --> 01:24:05.439
That's funny, you fell asleep.
01:24:05.680 --> 01:24:07.920
You're like, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep.
01:24:11.279 --> 01:24:11.600
There you go.
01:24:12.079 --> 01:24:12.640
Yeah, yeah.
01:24:12.800 --> 01:24:13.920
Your one coffee cup.
01:24:14.079 --> 01:24:14.560
That's okay.
01:24:16.640 --> 01:24:18.000
Um, okay.
01:24:18.399 --> 01:24:21.439
This will be, I think, my last question that I have.
01:24:21.680 --> 01:24:23.600
Um, feel free to chime in.
01:24:24.399 --> 01:24:37.760
What's a small random moment, even if it's from these three months of being married, um, where you you felt like, okay, God, wow, I I see you of just that feeling.
01:24:41.359 --> 01:24:42.880
I feel like there's been so many.
01:24:43.119 --> 01:24:43.600
Right.
01:24:43.920 --> 01:24:59.840
Um I feel like I have moments that pop up randomly where it's even like Kendrick going to baseball, where I'm just like grateful that we're one nuclear family.
01:25:00.399 --> 01:25:10.319
And just the small moment of like Jordan playing a video game and he beats Kendrick, or I'm like, I don't mind if he if he beats me, I'll let him win.
01:25:10.640 --> 01:25:15.039
Of okay, these are like this is forming this young man that we're raising.
01:25:15.520 --> 01:25:17.840
Those small moments of like, okay, thank you, God.
01:25:17.920 --> 01:25:21.680
Maybe not so much of a God I see you, but like a thank you, God moment.
01:25:23.760 --> 01:25:25.359
Well, every time he opens the door.
01:25:25.600 --> 01:25:26.079
Yeah.
01:25:26.319 --> 01:25:26.640
No.
01:25:27.199 --> 01:25:34.560
Um, I mean, this is not like as deep, but I have some friends that are online dating right now.
01:25:34.880 --> 01:25:41.760
And um I still am the go-to, like to research the person, like give me their number or give me their real friend if I can find them, you know.
01:25:42.399 --> 01:25:47.680
And I had a friend go out last night on the date, and she was kind of giving me the look breakdown of it all.
01:25:47.760 --> 01:25:51.920
And I'm like, I'm so grateful that I don't have to do that anymore.
01:25:52.000 --> 01:26:00.239
Because I did that whole thing, and I have a husband that I'm sitting with right now as I research for her, you know, and he's rubbing my feet.
01:26:00.479 --> 01:26:05.520
And like those moments, I'm just grateful for Jones.
01:26:06.319 --> 01:26:08.079
It's his birthday when one of those things.
01:26:08.319 --> 01:26:09.359
It's Jasper's birthday, right?
01:26:12.880 --> 01:26:18.960
No, that's that's actually a solid moment of like, thank god I'm not dating anymore.
01:26:19.199 --> 01:26:21.279
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:26:21.680 --> 01:26:26.880
But also being that friend that does the research is I will forever be that friend.
01:26:27.199 --> 01:26:29.520
Yeah, because I was in that world for so long.
01:26:29.840 --> 01:26:31.279
Man, the research world?
01:26:31.680 --> 01:26:35.439
No, the online dating, like having to look it up and like were you in the FBI?
01:26:35.520 --> 01:26:36.479
Yeah, no, I wish.
01:26:36.880 --> 01:26:43.600
We don't know, I wish I kind of want to end my life being a private investigator, like just start my own business and just wouldn't that be awesome?
01:26:43.840 --> 01:26:46.479
Count on a woman to find out information, seriously.
01:26:46.720 --> 01:26:48.159
No, seriously, yeah.
01:26:48.399 --> 01:26:49.680
That's the divine design.
01:26:50.000 --> 01:26:50.479
So random.
01:26:50.560 --> 01:26:53.199
There's this Facebook group called Are We Dating the Same Guy.
01:26:53.359 --> 01:26:54.239
Oh my goodness.
01:26:54.560 --> 01:26:57.680
And I found it when I was dating some guy.
01:26:57.760 --> 01:26:59.520
It was we only date like two months or something.
01:26:59.600 --> 01:27:04.399
This was a while ago, and um, you know, I was starting to pick up on some stuff.
01:27:04.479 --> 01:27:06.079
I was like, I feel like there's some red flags.
01:27:06.159 --> 01:27:08.560
I don't know, like you only talk certain times of the day or whatever.
01:27:08.720 --> 01:27:09.119
Yeah, weird.
01:27:09.279 --> 01:27:11.840
Um, like just little things, you're like, it's kind of weird.
01:27:11.920 --> 01:27:12.159
Yeah.
01:27:13.119 --> 01:27:17.279
If you're online dating and you don't have social media, red flag in real life.
01:27:17.439 --> 01:27:18.800
I meet a man that doesn't do social media.
01:27:18.880 --> 01:27:20.079
I'm like, that's awesome, you know.
01:27:20.159 --> 01:27:20.239
Right.
01:27:20.560 --> 01:27:22.319
But like when you're out there, it's different.
01:27:22.479 --> 01:27:22.640
Yeah.
01:27:22.800 --> 01:27:26.800
So, anyways, found this group, got it, you have to like apply to get into it.
01:27:26.960 --> 01:27:28.720
So they make sure you're like a woman and whatever.
01:27:29.039 --> 01:27:32.640
And I searched his name, and he and I had just ended things with them.
01:27:32.800 --> 01:27:34.319
I was like, I don't, this is not gonna work, you know.
01:27:35.119 --> 01:27:40.319
And I searched his name, he was everywhere in there, and I was like, Oh my god, okay.
01:27:40.399 --> 01:27:45.680
So now now my friends have me look up in that group, you know, the other people they're dating just to make sure, you know.
01:27:46.000 --> 01:27:47.199
Have you found other people?
01:27:47.439 --> 01:27:47.760
Yeah.
01:27:48.000 --> 01:27:48.960
Oh my gosh.
01:27:49.439 --> 01:27:50.239
What a great group.
01:27:50.399 --> 01:27:51.600
Whoever created that kind of.
01:27:51.680 --> 01:27:52.960
I mean, it also is a little weird.
01:27:53.119 --> 01:27:59.439
Like I would never comment or like anything in it, but if you want to see like other women's experience, you know, jump in.
01:28:00.720 --> 01:28:04.960
Women are great though, like you said, like just something fell off, not even really quite knowing.
01:28:05.920 --> 01:28:09.039
And then he just he was like he's like the number one offender.
01:28:09.199 --> 01:28:11.680
Like some bad really serious stuff in this group.
01:28:11.760 --> 01:28:13.920
And I'm like, oh my God, I like went out with this guy.
01:28:14.079 --> 01:28:20.399
I heard the saying where it's like, if you see a red flag, if you see multiple red flags, it's not a circus and it's not a time to play.
01:28:20.640 --> 01:28:22.239
Those are actually warning signs.
01:28:22.399 --> 01:28:22.479
Yeah.
01:28:22.640 --> 01:28:26.319
So if you guys listening, red flag is a warning, not playtime.
01:28:27.279 --> 01:28:29.600
It's a sign from God and you should be listening.
01:28:30.079 --> 01:28:30.239
Yeah.
01:28:30.880 --> 01:28:31.119
Yeah.
01:28:31.439 --> 01:28:44.319
It's like they say, um, God will give you a message, and hopefully we are daughters that just receive the message, but then he'll send you a messenger.
01:28:44.399 --> 01:28:46.800
If you haven't received the message, he'll send you a messenger.
01:28:47.039 --> 01:28:49.920
You're still not receiving it, he'll just send you a mess.
01:28:50.079 --> 01:28:50.239
Yeah.
01:28:50.720 --> 01:28:51.600
Then you get a mess.
01:28:51.680 --> 01:28:51.840
Yeah.
01:28:52.000 --> 01:28:52.159
Yeah.
01:28:52.399 --> 01:28:52.800
Oh gosh.
01:28:52.880 --> 01:28:54.000
I wanted to hear the message.
01:28:54.159 --> 01:28:54.399
Yeah.
01:28:54.560 --> 01:28:56.560
The number of messes we've been in.
01:28:56.800 --> 01:28:57.119
I know.
01:28:57.279 --> 01:28:59.760
And do you want it to take two weeks or 40 years?
01:29:00.000 --> 01:29:00.399
I know.
01:29:02.880 --> 01:29:06.319
Which is basically where we get the title through it.
01:29:06.399 --> 01:29:06.560
Yeah.
01:29:06.640 --> 01:29:06.800
Yeah.
01:29:06.960 --> 01:29:07.199
You know?
01:29:07.359 --> 01:29:08.960
And we're really all going through it.
01:29:09.119 --> 01:29:18.560
But like what a blessing to be able to talk through it with people, to even pray through it with other people that could relate to what you're going through.
01:29:18.880 --> 01:29:19.680
That's why I love this.
01:29:19.760 --> 01:29:22.399
I mean, the podcast, the premise of your podcast is awesome.
01:29:22.720 --> 01:29:23.920
And everyone can relate with it.
01:29:24.000 --> 01:29:25.680
And also you guys have great voices.
01:29:25.760 --> 01:29:27.359
I hate the sound of my speaking voice.
01:29:27.600 --> 01:29:28.079
Which is crazy.
01:29:29.279 --> 01:29:35.119
It's crazy because you have, like you said, like, you know, when a podcast is warm in your ear, you have a warm voice.
01:29:35.520 --> 01:29:37.039
Not to mention you're a vocalist.
01:29:37.119 --> 01:29:41.359
So how crazy the hearing like the speaking, I can't stand the sound of my voice.
01:29:41.520 --> 01:29:44.560
And when I listen to your guys' voices, I'm like, it's soothing.
01:29:44.720 --> 01:29:46.720
It's like warm in my ears.
01:29:46.880 --> 01:29:47.039
Yeah.
01:29:47.760 --> 01:29:49.760
Not ever a word I would use to describe myself.
01:29:49.840 --> 01:29:50.319
So thank you.
01:29:50.479 --> 01:29:52.079
You received that compliment for sure.
01:29:52.479 --> 01:29:52.720
Thank you.
01:29:52.880 --> 01:29:53.199
Yeah.
01:29:53.439 --> 01:29:54.960
Um, I'll ask one last question.
01:29:55.039 --> 01:29:55.119
Okay.
01:29:55.439 --> 01:29:56.159
Then we can wrap up.
01:29:56.319 --> 01:29:57.359
You brought some books.
01:29:57.520 --> 01:29:58.159
Oh, yeah.
01:29:58.399 --> 01:30:01.359
But you didn't get into any of them or open them up.
01:30:01.520 --> 01:30:03.920
Can you tell us what they are and why you brought them?
01:30:04.239 --> 01:30:06.159
That's yeah, very observant of you.
01:30:06.399 --> 01:30:06.800
I love that.
01:30:07.039 --> 01:30:14.560
I have my journal, my Bible, and uh a devotion I've done for years, Jesus Calling, um, which I go back to.
01:30:14.640 --> 01:30:17.520
I don't do it every year, but then I'll go back and I'd have the notes in it.
01:30:17.600 --> 01:30:23.680
So I didn't know what we were gonna talk about or what we would hit on um as far as life story.
01:30:23.840 --> 01:30:31.840
But um I I brought this Jesus Calling because I felt so disconnected from God right before I went into treatment.
01:30:32.479 --> 01:30:36.399
And I was the day I left, the morning I left for treatment, I was like, you know what?
01:30:36.479 --> 01:30:45.199
I I couldn't bring, I couldn't have music there, I couldn't have any so, but I brought books, I brought my Bible, and I could only bring so much stuff, you know, because I was flying to Florida.
01:30:45.359 --> 01:30:49.600
Um, so I I picked this up and I was like, I'm gonna bring this.
01:30:49.920 --> 01:30:53.039
And the morning, this I'm just gonna read to you what it said, right?
01:30:53.439 --> 01:30:59.279
Because this is where I was like, okay, my God is in control of my life.
01:30:59.359 --> 01:31:01.119
This is the next step he has for me.
01:31:01.359 --> 01:31:03.039
I'll probably get emotional when I read it.
01:31:03.119 --> 01:31:04.159
But okay, we love it.
01:31:04.319 --> 01:31:05.600
It says, Rest with me a while.
01:31:05.680 --> 01:31:08.560
You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days.
01:31:08.720 --> 01:31:11.119
The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty.
01:31:11.760 --> 01:31:13.600
Look neither behind you nor before you.
01:31:13.760 --> 01:31:17.359
Instead, focus your attention on me, your constant companion.
01:31:17.680 --> 01:31:21.199
Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.
01:31:21.760 --> 01:31:24.000
I designed time to be a protection for you.
01:31:24.399 --> 01:31:24.720
Wow.
01:31:24.880 --> 01:31:25.359
Oh my god.
01:31:25.520 --> 01:31:30.640
Which I was about to go into this time where no connection with anyone outside of in my world, you know.
01:31:31.359 --> 01:31:33.600
You couldn't bear to see all your life at once.
01:31:34.159 --> 01:31:35.600
I can't even read it because I'm crying.
01:31:35.760 --> 01:31:39.680
Um, though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you.
01:31:39.920 --> 01:31:43.279
Refresh yourself in my company, breathing deep droughts of my presence.
01:31:43.439 --> 01:31:47.760
The highest level of trust is to enjoy me moment by moment by moment.
01:31:48.079 --> 01:31:51.039
I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.
01:31:51.279 --> 01:31:54.239
And then this scripture verse, which is Genesis 28, 15.
01:31:54.479 --> 01:32:00.880
I am with you and will watch you, sorry, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.
01:32:01.039 --> 01:32:04.000
I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.
01:32:04.239 --> 01:32:04.640
Wow.
01:32:04.960 --> 01:32:09.680
And it was just this, okay, peace, chills, God is with me.
01:32:09.920 --> 01:32:12.319
He knew this was gonna happen, he's going before me.
01:32:12.479 --> 01:32:14.560
I'm gonna take this moment by moment.
01:32:14.720 --> 01:32:18.319
I'm not gonna future trip about what does it look like 30 days from now?
01:32:18.399 --> 01:32:19.520
What does it look like 60 days from now?
01:32:19.600 --> 01:32:20.720
What does it look like a year from now?
01:32:20.960 --> 01:32:21.359
Right now.
01:32:21.520 --> 01:32:29.680
Yeah, just this moment, and I know God's with me, and he's gonna bring me back to the land, and he's not gonna leave me until he's done what he's promised he would do.
01:32:30.159 --> 01:32:34.560
It was such a just a confirmation, and I was like, okay, you know, kind of thing.
01:32:34.640 --> 01:32:36.640
Um every word.
01:32:36.800 --> 01:32:37.039
Yeah.
01:32:37.279 --> 01:32:41.359
Was that the day that you were getting so the Jesus calling, it's a daily devotional.
01:32:41.520 --> 01:32:42.960
Yeah, that was the day I was getting on the plane.
01:32:43.199 --> 01:32:43.520
Wow.
01:32:44.000 --> 01:32:45.199
Every word was applicable.
01:32:45.680 --> 01:32:46.319
How divine.
01:32:46.399 --> 01:32:46.800
I love that.
01:32:46.880 --> 01:32:49.359
I've designed time to be a protection for you.
01:32:49.920 --> 01:32:55.600
Speaks volumes, even with the three of us, how things just didn't happen according to our timeline.
01:32:55.920 --> 01:33:02.479
But really, it was happening in a time and in a fashion that really was protecting us.
01:33:02.720 --> 01:33:02.960
Yeah.
01:33:03.439 --> 01:33:07.760
Somewhat prophetic, even saying, I'll bring you back, and then you end up marrying your husband.
01:33:08.000 --> 01:33:08.479
Oh god, yeah.
01:33:08.640 --> 01:33:09.359
I didn't even think about that.
01:33:09.439 --> 01:33:10.800
Oh, that is wild.
01:33:11.199 --> 01:33:13.039
Yeah, that is so good.
01:33:13.359 --> 01:33:14.800
Four years ago, almost five years ago.
01:33:15.039 --> 01:33:18.079
And he's like, just chill.
01:33:18.239 --> 01:33:18.399
Yeah.
01:33:18.720 --> 01:33:19.520
Always.
01:33:19.920 --> 01:33:20.479
Crazy.
01:33:20.720 --> 01:33:20.960
Yeah.
01:33:21.279 --> 01:33:21.840
That was so awesome.
01:33:22.319 --> 01:33:22.479
So good.
01:33:23.039 --> 01:33:23.439
God is so good.
01:33:23.680 --> 01:33:24.560
God, our redeemer.
01:33:24.720 --> 01:33:24.880
Yeah.
01:33:24.960 --> 01:33:26.079
And then this is my journal.
01:33:26.159 --> 01:33:28.960
I I started journaling um about four years ago.
01:33:29.199 --> 01:33:32.000
And I I like to journal every day if I can.
01:33:32.079 --> 01:33:35.119
And sometimes it's just a couple lines, but I read them back.
01:33:35.359 --> 01:33:40.079
Like I go back to like the first entry, my first day of treatment, and I was like, this is awesome.
01:33:40.239 --> 01:33:40.640
I love it.
01:33:40.800 --> 01:33:42.159
I'm gonna get so in like three days in.
01:33:42.239 --> 01:33:43.199
I'm like, wait a second.
01:33:43.520 --> 01:33:44.159
But am I doing?
01:33:44.800 --> 01:33:44.960
Yeah.
01:33:45.199 --> 01:33:46.079
Did I do the right thing?
01:33:46.159 --> 01:33:50.159
You know, like because you always kind of, at least for me, second guess.
01:33:50.640 --> 01:33:52.239
So I'm like, okay, this is what God said to do.
01:33:52.319 --> 01:33:52.800
I'm gonna do it.
01:33:52.880 --> 01:33:55.279
And then three days in, I'm like, it got really nice.
01:33:55.760 --> 01:33:56.319
Yeah, did he say it?
01:33:56.800 --> 01:33:57.680
Who am I listening to?
01:33:58.079 --> 01:34:01.439
Which is why journaling is so great, because it really anchors you on.
01:34:01.600 --> 01:34:18.239
I think it's in um, I never know if I'm saying this right, Habakkuk 2-2, where it talks about writing your vision and making it plain to see so that when you see it, you can run to it because of how our emotions really take us through like this up and down roller coaster to the point where we're like, maybe that wasn't you, guide.
01:34:18.479 --> 01:34:20.880
Um, okay, really, really last one.
01:34:21.600 --> 01:34:22.319
Really, really.
01:34:22.479 --> 01:34:22.800
Okay.
01:34:22.960 --> 01:34:29.199
Um, your journal, was there anything in there where you're like, I would love to share this?
01:34:29.439 --> 01:34:32.640
I even think that the Jesus calling was perfect, but I have to ask.
01:34:32.880 --> 01:34:33.840
No, not in this one.
01:34:34.000 --> 01:34:34.880
There wasn't anything.
01:34:34.960 --> 01:34:38.720
I I did read back, like I said, you know, about being single for life.
01:34:38.800 --> 01:34:39.760
I like I'm done.
01:34:40.000 --> 01:34:40.960
I'm just done.
01:34:41.039 --> 01:34:41.840
And I really felt it.
01:34:41.920 --> 01:34:44.159
Like I've said that before, like, I'm not gonna date anymore, you know.
01:34:44.239 --> 01:34:44.560
But whatever.
01:34:44.720 --> 01:34:45.920
But I was like for real, for real.
01:34:46.479 --> 01:34:46.720
Yeah.
01:34:46.960 --> 01:34:47.680
I'm good.
01:34:47.920 --> 01:34:56.960
And um, and I think that was I think God needed me to get to that point where I was done trying to control the outcome of my life in this area.
01:34:57.359 --> 01:35:03.199
You know, certain areas I was very comfortable turning over to God, but there were certain things where I'm like, He's not moving fast enough.
01:35:03.279 --> 01:35:07.600
Yeah, it doesn't look the way I wanted it to look, and I need it to, you know, kind of thing.
01:35:07.680 --> 01:35:09.760
So isn't that that's it though?
01:35:09.840 --> 01:35:11.439
I know that feeling so well.
01:35:11.600 --> 01:35:13.199
Yeah, he's not moving fast enough.
01:35:13.279 --> 01:35:14.560
This isn't the outcome I wanted.
01:35:14.720 --> 01:35:15.680
Got him, I've got it from here.
01:35:15.760 --> 01:35:16.640
Why don't you just chill?
01:35:16.800 --> 01:35:19.760
Yeah, which controlling outcomes is sometimes good.
01:35:19.840 --> 01:35:23.039
Like sometimes people are paid to control outcomes, like that's your job.
01:35:23.199 --> 01:35:27.439
Like I need you to control how this is gonna turn out, you know, the results or whatever.
01:35:27.600 --> 01:35:33.600
But uh another AA statement is you know, God's in the result business, I'm in the action business.
01:35:33.680 --> 01:35:39.680
Yeah, I just gotta get going, yeah, yeah, moving, following him, and he's gonna can take take control of the results.
01:35:40.000 --> 01:35:42.399
Yeah, praise God, we're not in control of the results.
01:35:42.560 --> 01:35:42.800
Thank you.
01:35:42.960 --> 01:35:46.000
And the way that we're like, okay, we're actually done, done now.
01:35:46.159 --> 01:35:47.520
No, we're now we're done.
01:35:47.760 --> 01:35:49.359
No, actually now we're done.
01:35:49.920 --> 01:35:50.319
Yeah.
01:35:50.880 --> 01:35:52.000
I don't even want to be done.
01:35:52.239 --> 01:35:52.560
I know.
01:35:52.960 --> 01:35:54.000
Yeah, so true.
01:35:54.640 --> 01:35:56.239
But with everything, even with being single.
01:35:56.319 --> 01:35:58.560
I'm I'm really actually God, I want to be single.
01:35:59.039 --> 01:36:02.479
I can't wait for um I hope this doesn't sound weird.
01:36:02.560 --> 01:36:05.760
So but I can't wait for my mom to hear this.
01:36:06.079 --> 01:36:19.359
I hope it ministers to her because she has been is in that place of like I'm just supposed to be single for the rest of my life, and she's been single for uh gosh, I don't know, over ten years now, I think.
01:36:20.239 --> 01:36:29.520
And um even since then, like she's been really, really single for over 20 years.
01:36:30.000 --> 01:36:37.119
So um I and I keep telling her, like, look, you gotta find somebody because I can't take care of you when you get older.
01:36:37.359 --> 01:36:39.279
You gotta find somebody to help out.
01:36:39.680 --> 01:36:42.960
But um, she's like, nope, I'm just gonna be single forever.
01:36:43.119 --> 01:36:46.239
And she keeps saying, like, this God just wants me to be single forever.
01:36:46.319 --> 01:36:48.159
And I'm like, I don't know that that's the case.
01:36:48.239 --> 01:36:59.039
So I can't wait for her to hear this and I hope that it ministers to her that she's not in control, that she's not in the results business, and that she can just get back to the other with my dad.
01:36:59.119 --> 01:36:59.680
They're both single.
01:37:01.760 --> 01:37:03.279
Come on, just give it a chance.
01:37:03.359 --> 01:37:03.920
You never know.
01:37:04.399 --> 01:37:07.600
God is in redemption stories, his story is redemption, like Jesus.
01:37:07.680 --> 01:37:10.479
That's uh that's a redemption, the best redemption story there is.
01:37:10.640 --> 01:37:17.119
And so I I had to ask myself, is this really supposed to be, or do I just love the idea of a redemption story?
01:37:17.760 --> 01:37:18.640
So real though.
01:37:18.800 --> 01:37:22.479
Yeah, but no, it's there's a reason you're coming in now, yeah.
01:37:23.520 --> 01:37:25.119
Yeah, and I love romantic comedies.
01:37:25.199 --> 01:37:29.359
I want it all to be just brought back together and tied up with a bow, and then the movie's great.
01:37:29.600 --> 01:37:30.800
Hey, we all love a happy ending.
01:37:30.880 --> 01:37:31.600
Are you kidding me?
01:37:31.760 --> 01:37:33.840
Yeah, if the ending's not happy, I hate the movie.
01:37:33.920 --> 01:37:35.199
Yes, now I ruin the whole movie.
01:37:35.439 --> 01:37:39.119
Yes, I don't want to watch anything unless they end up together happy, yeah.
01:37:40.319 --> 01:37:41.840
Or they die together happy, yeah.
01:37:42.159 --> 01:37:43.439
But even then, not a huge fan.
01:37:43.680 --> 01:37:44.399
I like the notebook.
01:37:44.479 --> 01:37:47.760
I'm not a huge fan of it because they end, but no, that's pretty sad.
01:37:47.920 --> 01:37:49.680
Yeah, it's too sad for me.
01:37:49.920 --> 01:37:53.439
I well, we've even talked about I have a hard time just watching movies all together anymore.
01:37:53.600 --> 01:37:54.399
Yes, same.
01:37:54.479 --> 01:37:55.119
Yeah, me too.
01:37:55.199 --> 01:37:55.760
Oh, it's not just that.
01:37:56.079 --> 01:37:59.600
I could watch like four episodes of a TV show, yeah, back to back.
01:38:00.239 --> 01:38:01.520
But a movie, yeah.
01:38:01.680 --> 01:38:06.560
Yes, TV like a series is perfect, yeah, but a movie is too long and not long enough at the same time.
01:38:06.800 --> 01:38:07.600
Yeah, no, I'm with you.
01:38:07.760 --> 01:38:11.920
Yeah, like you could have told the same plot and made it an hour shorter.
01:38:12.239 --> 01:38:12.479
Yeah.
01:38:12.640 --> 01:38:15.760
And it would have known for given me two months of content.
01:38:15.920 --> 01:38:16.239
Yes.
01:38:16.319 --> 01:38:16.800
Yeah.
01:38:18.880 --> 01:38:19.600
Exactly.
01:38:19.760 --> 01:38:20.880
That's so good.
01:38:21.279 --> 01:38:23.359
Um, we would love for you to pray.
01:38:23.520 --> 01:38:23.760
Okay.
01:38:23.920 --> 01:38:25.680
Um, we always close out in prayer.
01:38:26.000 --> 01:38:29.840
This was a conversation that could be never, never ending.
01:38:30.000 --> 01:38:30.239
Yeah.
01:38:30.399 --> 01:38:32.159
Um, so thanks for making time to come.
01:38:32.399 --> 01:38:33.119
Thank you so much.
01:38:33.520 --> 01:38:39.920
And being so forthcoming and just getting here early and just talking to us and letting us be nice.
01:38:40.640 --> 01:38:40.880
This was fun.
01:38:41.039 --> 01:38:41.760
This is really cool.
01:38:42.079 --> 01:38:42.640
Come back anytime.
01:38:42.800 --> 01:38:43.760
Okay, I'll be here next week.
01:38:43.920 --> 01:38:44.079
Sure.
01:38:48.159 --> 01:38:48.720
I love it.
01:38:48.880 --> 01:38:51.279
It's it's called through it, not finished it.
01:38:51.359 --> 01:38:51.439
Yeah.
01:38:51.600 --> 01:38:51.760
Right.
01:38:51.920 --> 01:38:52.960
Oh, yeah, completed it.
01:38:53.279 --> 01:38:54.399
Actively going through it.
01:38:54.560 --> 01:38:55.279
Yeah, cool.
01:38:55.520 --> 01:38:56.399
Yeah, that's great.
01:38:56.640 --> 01:38:59.279
We'll never get there, probably, which is cool.
01:38:59.439 --> 01:38:59.760
Yeah.
01:39:00.319 --> 01:39:01.359
Never arrive.
01:39:01.680 --> 01:39:05.199
That's that's I hope I never feel like I have arrived.
01:39:05.439 --> 01:39:07.680
I don't ever want to feel that comfortable, honestly.
01:39:08.159 --> 01:39:08.399
Either.
01:39:08.640 --> 01:39:11.119
No, not on this side of the ground.
01:39:11.279 --> 01:39:11.439
No.
01:39:12.399 --> 01:39:12.960
I'm with you.
01:39:13.039 --> 01:39:13.840
All right, I'll pray.
01:39:14.159 --> 01:39:14.399
Thank you.
01:39:14.880 --> 01:39:22.399
God, thank you just for who you are, and your love and your grace is unending, never leaves us.
01:39:22.640 --> 01:39:25.439
Even if we walk away or run away, God, you never leave us.
01:39:25.760 --> 01:39:27.119
You're always chasing after us.
01:39:27.199 --> 01:39:31.840
And I just thank you that you've done that in my life, you've done it in Kim and Ari's life.
01:39:32.000 --> 01:39:36.000
And God, I thank you that you're gonna do that in the people that listen to this podcast.
01:39:36.159 --> 01:39:41.520
I pray that the words that they heard today might cause them to be to have hope.
01:39:42.079 --> 01:39:53.680
That God, no matter what has happened in their lives, no matter what they've done or caused what others have done or caused to them, God, that you you are a redeemer of time.
01:39:54.000 --> 01:39:58.159
And um God, everything can turn out to good with you.
01:39:58.239 --> 01:40:00.479
And we just thank you that you're gonna do that in people's lives.
01:40:00.560 --> 01:40:04.239
I pray that when people hear this, they're drawn to the hope, they're drawn to freedom.
01:40:04.479 --> 01:40:08.000
God, that there is um life on the other side of tragedy.
01:40:08.159 --> 01:40:09.840
There's life on the other side of trauma.
01:40:10.079 --> 01:40:15.680
God, better than we could ever imagine or hope ourselves or even come up ourselves, God, is how good you are.
01:40:15.840 --> 01:40:18.720
And I just thank you that you're gonna do that in the lives of people that listen.
01:40:19.199 --> 01:40:30.720
I pray that people have the courage to surrender and to be honest and to um to be honest one with themselves and with you, and then with another person, God, just to say it out loud.
01:40:30.880 --> 01:40:37.279
The freedom that happens when people, when we can say out loud what's happening on the inside, uh, something breaks.
01:40:37.359 --> 01:40:38.079
It's not as big.
01:40:38.159 --> 01:40:42.479
And so I just pray for the um courage to do that for the people that are listening to this.
01:40:42.560 --> 01:40:44.720
And we just thank you for your hope and your grace.
01:40:44.880 --> 01:40:46.399
And we're grateful for you.
01:40:46.640 --> 01:40:53.760
God, help us to never arrive and to always be searching and to seeking, to um, be seeking after you and the things of you.
01:40:54.000 --> 01:40:56.159
Thank you for meaningful relationships.
01:40:56.399 --> 01:41:07.439
God, honest and true, meaningful relationships that go deep, that aren't just surface, God, that we don't have to hide, that we can be um who we're intended to be, who you created us to be in our relationships.
01:41:07.520 --> 01:41:15.760
God, I pray for single women that are in pain and that are lonely and maybe won't admit it or have admitted it for so long that they stop talking about it.
01:41:15.840 --> 01:41:19.520
God, I thank you that you have given them the desires of their heart.
01:41:19.680 --> 01:41:22.800
To be with somebody is not something they've created in their head.
01:41:22.960 --> 01:41:24.319
You've put that in them for a reason.
01:41:24.399 --> 01:41:33.520
And so I thank you that you give them peace um and strength to walk through the season that they're in, God, and hope that that will be different in the future.
01:41:33.760 --> 01:41:35.680
And we just ask all these things in your name.
01:41:35.920 --> 01:41:36.399
Amen.
01:41:36.720 --> 01:41:37.119
Amen.
01:41:37.520 --> 01:41:38.319
That was beautiful.
01:41:38.720 --> 01:41:38.960
Thank you.
01:41:39.600 --> 01:41:40.319
Yeah, thanks, guys.
01:41:40.399 --> 01:41:41.199
It's fun.