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Hey y'all, and welcome to This Is Nothing New.
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I'm your host, Michelle Bruny, and this is a podcast where we drop the trends, get back to the basics, and uncover lessons hiding in everyday life.
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The past year has been a year of many emotions, some of them seemingly very contradictory.
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For those who know me in the real world, you all know that last August, August 13th, to be exact, my soul dog Macklin passed away.
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Macklin had been with us for 11 and a half years.
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He was just a couple months shy of turning 12.
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And while we knew he couldn't be with us forever, it was still a really hard day when we had to make that decision to let him go.
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And this isn't an episode about Macklin, although I would talk about him forever.
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What I have found and been reminded of over and over throughout this past year is that two things can be true at the same time.
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Since Macklin died, because it wasn't just about losing my dog.
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It was my identity, it was my routines, it was my safe place, and all of those things that come with pets that we love so deeply.
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But also the past year has been incredible in so many other ways.
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It's been filled with joy and connection and travel and love.
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And on the surface, the idea of grieving actively and being joyful actively seems like they can't coexist.
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It seems like those are too contradictory.
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Only one can be true at a time.
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And I'm here to challenge that idea.
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I feel like too often we are trying to justify one emotion being more important than the other, or one opinion canceling out another.
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And I think that we have gotten too focused on trying to find the one truth in a lot of different things, like the one exact answer.
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And for the majority of things in life, there is not one answer.
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I think it's important to remember that, especially when you were going through what feels like a very complicated time.
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And for me, one of the ways that that showed up is about a week after we said goodbye to Macklin, we found ourselves in Orlando, Florida, going to the Universal Studios theme parks.
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It was a trip that had been planned for months.
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And we were waiting in line to ride these roller coasters that were so much fun.
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And we were laughing and having a great time together.
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And then all of a sudden, flashes of Macklin on his last day would come back and it would bring me down.
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And it's it was just a reminder I've had to tell myself so often that both can be true.
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I can be grieving and I can be happy.
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A pattern I see a lot, especially with the people that I coach, is they are burnt out in their job.
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This is especially for folks who are employees.
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They work for somebody else.
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And they are completely burnt out in their job.
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But they still want to sharpen their skills as a professional.
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But it seems like, how can you want to improve while you're also burnt out?
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And those can feel contradictory.
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You're either burnt out or you want to improve.
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And I think that's looking at it way too simply.
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You can be burnt out in a specific area, in a specific job or at a specific company, but still have that drive to want to improve.
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Not necessarily for the company you're working for, but for yourself.
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And that's a pattern I helped a client realize recently of, you know, she was just feeling like, I don't want to get better at my time management or my skills to run a meeting or my willingness to prepare in advance.
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Because this company, X, Y, Z, whatever.
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There was a bit of resentment there.
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And so the pattern that I really helped her uncover is that approach is damaging her own self-confidence more than any professional results.
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And so once we uncover that pattern, we could actually start doing something with it.
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And so I didn't diminish the reality of she's burnt out and exhausted and ready for something new.
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That's all true.
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Also, how do we recalibrate and refocus on the skills that she wants to improve as a person?
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As somebody who wants to have a big impact and make a big contribution outside of herself.
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Both can be true.
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And this happens outside of the workplace, too.
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I think back to many years ago, one of my uncles sadly passed away from cancer.
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And we were at the family home for the funeral weekend and spending time with family.
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And a Clemson football game was on TV.
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And I remember saying something like, Oh, I wish I was there.
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And another one of my uncles came in and said, to some effect, How dare you say that?
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Are you saying you don't want to be here with your family?
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This should be the only place you want to be.
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And of course, in the moment, I didn't recognize what was happening, but in reflection, he basically was telling me I could only feel one thing.
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I could only desire one thing.
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And I call BS on that.
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Because we can be fully present and know we are in a space for a reason and be happy we are there, simultaneously saying, Oh man, that looks like fun.
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I wish I was there.
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I'm not saying I wish I was not here.
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And I'm sure that has happened to y'all more than once, where you state a feeling or a desire, and somebody around you says, Oh, so does that mean you don't want to be here or you don't agree with this or you don't feel that?
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Let's all just take a step back from everything being black and white.
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Both things can be true.
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And one of the ways that I teach this in, especially in my leadership trainings, is through this concept called the Stockdale Paradox.
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So if you're unfamiliar with the Stockdale Paradox, it is a concept that was that was created by James Stockdale, who was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War.
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And essentially, it's a survival and leadership concept that says you have to have unwavering belief and hope for the possibilities of the future.
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You have to believe things will get better and things are going to turn out for the best while simultaneously facing and accepting the brutal reality of where you are in the present moment.
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That's the Stockdale paradox.
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And that's a concept that I share, especially in a professional space, because we could be in a place where maybe company revenue is down.
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And that's a serious reality.
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Because if it doesn't increase, there could be layoffs, there could be downsizing, there could be shifts in product offerings.
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There could be a variety of repercussions if the bottom line does not get improved.
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But if you sit in just that space of this is terrible, this is negative, how are we ever going to recover from this?
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Or we will never recover from this.
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If you stay in that space, of course you're not going to improve.
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So if you can hold two things at once, revenue is down, the bottom line is struggling.
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Also, here are opportunities that we can seize, here are possibilities we can put into place.
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And I know we have the effort and the knowledge and the passion to get us back to a stronger space.
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Both are true.
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And I know I've said both are true a lot, and I will continue to say it because it's a reminder, it can be a mantra for you when you're feeling like you have to pick between one thing or the other.
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So in this example, it's facing the reality of the situation that you're in while also having faith and hope that it will become better and that it will improve.
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I feel like I went through this when I really started my own physical fitness journey too.
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You know, during COVID, I definitely put on a lot of weight.
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I was drinking too much alcohol and I was making bread along with everybody else, which meant I was eating a bunch of bread.
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And so basically I got into this really unhealthy physical state.
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And when we moved out to Colorado and I got separation from a lot of the things that pulled me into that depressive place, I was able to see what my future would hold if I started showing up for my own health again.
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And so I had to recognize that both can be true, that I was in a place that was unhealthy for me, where I was struggling and I was carrying excess weight that I didn't want.
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And I had to accept that reality.
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But also I knew that if I showed up and stayed consistent and put in effort, that the future results were going to be worth it.
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And that comes back to the idea of discipline.
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We talk about discipline a lot when we think about our physical health and wellness.
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And y'all, I am not a personal trainer.
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I am not certified as a health, you know, expert or anything like that.
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This is just my own personal experience.
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But the other two ideas that we can hold in one thought is we can be disciplined and give ourselves grace.
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We can be disciplined and rest.
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Because everybody who is a super successful with their physical fitness knows that rest days are just as important as your heavy lifting days.
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The rest days is what's going to give your body time to implement all of that work that you just did.
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You can be disciplined and give yourself opportunities for rest and give yourself grace.
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I've been a personal development and leadership coach for several years now.
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Even before I started my coaching business, the roles that I had at the special events venues and the software industry was all about leadership and helping people elevate themselves, helping people learn, improve, and just show up better as a human and as a colleague.
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As a leader and as a coach in the leadership development space, a lot of times people look at me and people in my position as somebody who has the ultimate answer of you have to know the answer to every one of my questions regarding leadership, or you're not really worth your salt.
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And that's again too black and white because that's like saying I should just know the answer to everything, always, forever, and never allow myself to grow and evolve.
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So both are true.
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I can be a teacher and a coach, and I can be a learner.
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One of the best teachers and coaches you have ever interacted with, I guarantee you, focuses just as much on learning and improving their own knowledge as they do sharing that knowledge with other people.
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Both can be true.
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One of the most obvious ways that we can believe and practice this concept of both things being true is when it comes to being courageous and stepping into hard things.
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Because courage cannot exist without fear.
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And so, in order for us to step into a courageous place, there also has to be some element of fear or concern or knowledge that we are stepping into uncertainty, but we do it anyways.
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So if you're sitting in a big decision right now and you're not ready to make it because it's a little scary and you're uncertain of how it's going to turn out, and you're going down the negative cycle of the what if game, you're probably seeking a bit of courage.
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But courage is not something that just shows up, it's something that is activated when you take action.
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It's the same thing as confidence.
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Confidence is not something that just shows up, it's something that's built over time through evidence.
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And that's the same thing with courage.
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Because every time you're a little scared and you do it anyways, that is building your courage.
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That is building your confidence.
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Years ago, when I was working at that software company, I knew I had to go.
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I knew it was time for me to summon my courage and make the decision to leave.
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And once I made that decision, a huge relief washed over me.
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But I still had several weeks of notice to work out at the company and in that position.
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But I remember clear as day, on my last day, I was so excited to close that chapter.
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I was.
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And I'm I'm grateful to my past self for making that choice.
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I remember walking out of the office on my last day, so relieved and excited that I had left.
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And the moment I got into my car, I broke down and ugly cried.
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Because I was grieving this identity that I had built for almost four years as a leader in that company.
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I was grieving all of the work that I had put in that I would no longer know where it went.
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I was also grieving what could have been if things were different.
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And just because I was grieving that role, that identity as Michelle as the director of customer experience at a software company, I also knew it was the right choice.
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Just because I was grieving it doesn't mean I regretted my decision.
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Both can be true.
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And I think that's why a lot of us get so stuck in these patterns.
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We know things, maybe they just really suck, or we're in a tough spot, we're in a challenge, we're burnt out, whatever.
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Where we struggle is cultivating that optimism for a more positive future.
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And so I think that's what I want to leave y'all with today as we kind of start getting to the end of this, is if you are stuck in a pattern right now of it's just a bad place.
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Whatever that means for you, you're you're feeling it in a lot of ways.
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When was the last time you intentionally cultivated a more optimistic future for yourself?
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When was the last time you asked yourself, what can I do differently to change the trajectory of the next year, five years, my lifetime?
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Now you have a choice on what to do differently.
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That's one of my favorite things to do when I'm even when I'm just talking with people, I kind of have to pull myself back because I just get so excited.
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When I can see from an outsider's perspective, the patterns that people are putting themselves into and they are just spiraling and spiraling.
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I love to help people recognize that they are stuck in that pattern and then show them that there's another door that they've never seen that they can start walking towards for an entirely new trajectory.
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But I know when we're in that suck spiral, it's too hard to see outside of it sometimes, which is why it's so good for y'all to all have somebody you can share your struggles with to give you an outsider's perspective.
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If we circle back around to one of the things I said at the top of the episode, is too often we are trying to prove that one emotion is more important or more valid than another emotion.
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I think we're all causing ourselves a lot of unnecessary suffering by trying to prove that one emotion invalidates another.
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And if you take away anything from this episode, I hope it's that you know both are true.
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You can be grieving and you can be happy.
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You can stand 10 toes down knowing that you leaving a relationship or a job or whatever was 100% the right decision.
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And you can still miss it.
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So if you have been trying to prove to yourself that one choice cancels out the other, or one opinion and validates the other, or you should only feel one emotion and not another, I hope you'll remember that both are true.
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Thanks for joining me for today's conversation and for allowing me to also process this idea in real time.
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It's something that I've been thinking about a lot, as I will lovingly remember my sweet boy Macklin as we cross to the one-year anniversary since we said goodbye.
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I will grieve for what was, but I will also be joyful for all of the amazing years that we had.
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So if you have a pet at home, I would love for you to give them some ear scritches from me in honor of Macklin.
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And I appreciate y'all listening.
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Remember, none of these ideas are anything new.
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These are age-old concepts, but sometimes we just need the reminder that both are true.
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I'll catch y'all next time.
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Hey y'all, and welcome to This Is Nothing New.
00:00:08.720 --> 00:00:16.640
I'm your host, Michelle Bruny, and this is a podcast where we drop the trends, get back to the basics, and uncover lessons hiding in everyday life.
00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:26.879
The past year has been a year of many emotions, some of them seemingly very contradictory.
00:00:27.519 --> 00:00:39.520
For those who know me in the real world, you all know that last August, August 13th, to be exact, my soul dog Macklin passed away.
00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:44.079
Macklin had been with us for 11 and a half years.
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He was just a couple months shy of turning 12.
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And while we knew he couldn't be with us forever, it was still a really hard day when we had to make that decision to let him go.
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And this isn't an episode about Macklin, although I would talk about him forever.
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What I have found and been reminded of over and over throughout this past year is that two things can be true at the same time.
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Since Macklin died, because it wasn't just about losing my dog.
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It was my identity, it was my routines, it was my safe place, and all of those things that come with pets that we love so deeply.
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But also the past year has been incredible in so many other ways.
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It's been filled with joy and connection and travel and love.
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And on the surface, the idea of grieving actively and being joyful actively seems like they can't coexist.
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It seems like those are too contradictory.
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Only one can be true at a time.
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And I'm here to challenge that idea.
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I feel like too often we are trying to justify one emotion being more important than the other, or one opinion canceling out another.
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And I think that we have gotten too focused on trying to find the one truth in a lot of different things, like the one exact answer.
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And for the majority of things in life, there is not one answer.
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I think it's important to remember that, especially when you were going through what feels like a very complicated time.
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And for me, one of the ways that that showed up is about a week after we said goodbye to Macklin, we found ourselves in Orlando, Florida, going to the Universal Studios theme parks.
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It was a trip that had been planned for months.
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And we were waiting in line to ride these roller coasters that were so much fun.
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And we were laughing and having a great time together.
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And then all of a sudden, flashes of Macklin on his last day would come back and it would bring me down.
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And it's it was just a reminder I've had to tell myself so often that both can be true.
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I can be grieving and I can be happy.
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A pattern I see a lot, especially with the people that I coach, is they are burnt out in their job.
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This is especially for folks who are employees.
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They work for somebody else.
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And they are completely burnt out in their job.
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But they still want to sharpen their skills as a professional.
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But it seems like, how can you want to improve while you're also burnt out?
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And those can feel contradictory.
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You're either burnt out or you want to improve.
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And I think that's looking at it way too simply.
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You can be burnt out in a specific area, in a specific job or at a specific company, but still have that drive to want to improve.
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Not necessarily for the company you're working for, but for yourself.
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And that's a pattern I helped a client realize recently of, you know, she was just feeling like, I don't want to get better at my time management or my skills to run a meeting or my willingness to prepare in advance.
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Because this company, X, Y, Z, whatever.
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There was a bit of resentment there.
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And so the pattern that I really helped her uncover is that approach is damaging her own self-confidence more than any professional results.
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And so once we uncover that pattern, we could actually start doing something with it.
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And so I didn't diminish the reality of she's burnt out and exhausted and ready for something new.
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That's all true.
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Also, how do we recalibrate and refocus on the skills that she wants to improve as a person?
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As somebody who wants to have a big impact and make a big contribution outside of herself.
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Both can be true.
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And this happens outside of the workplace, too.
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I think back to many years ago, one of my uncles sadly passed away from cancer.
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And we were at the family home for the funeral weekend and spending time with family.
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And a Clemson football game was on TV.
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And I remember saying something like, Oh, I wish I was there.
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And another one of my uncles came in and said, to some effect, How dare you say that?
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Are you saying you don't want to be here with your family?
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This should be the only place you want to be.
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And of course, in the moment, I didn't recognize what was happening, but in reflection, he basically was telling me I could only feel one thing.
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I could only desire one thing.
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And I call BS on that.
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Because we can be fully present and know we are in a space for a reason and be happy we are there, simultaneously saying, Oh man, that looks like fun.
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I wish I was there.
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I'm not saying I wish I was not here.
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And I'm sure that has happened to y'all more than once, where you state a feeling or a desire, and somebody around you says, Oh, so does that mean you don't want to be here or you don't agree with this or you don't feel that?
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Let's all just take a step back from everything being black and white.
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Both things can be true.
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And one of the ways that I teach this in, especially in my leadership trainings, is through this concept called the Stockdale Paradox.
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So if you're unfamiliar with the Stockdale Paradox, it is a concept that was that was created by James Stockdale, who was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War.
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And essentially, it's a survival and leadership concept that says you have to have unwavering belief and hope for the possibilities of the future.
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You have to believe things will get better and things are going to turn out for the best while simultaneously facing and accepting the brutal reality of where you are in the present moment.
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That's the Stockdale paradox.
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And that's a concept that I share, especially in a professional space, because we could be in a place where maybe company revenue is down.
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And that's a serious reality.
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Because if it doesn't increase, there could be layoffs, there could be downsizing, there could be shifts in product offerings.
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There could be a variety of repercussions if the bottom line does not get improved.
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But if you sit in just that space of this is terrible, this is negative, how are we ever going to recover from this?
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Or we will never recover from this.
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If you stay in that space, of course you're not going to improve.
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So if you can hold two things at once, revenue is down, the bottom line is struggling.
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Also, here are opportunities that we can seize, here are possibilities we can put into place.
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And I know we have the effort and the knowledge and the passion to get us back to a stronger space.
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Both are true.
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And I know I've said both are true a lot, and I will continue to say it because it's a reminder, it can be a mantra for you when you're feeling like you have to pick between one thing or the other.
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So in this example, it's facing the reality of the situation that you're in while also having faith and hope that it will become better and that it will improve.
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I feel like I went through this when I really started my own physical fitness journey too.
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You know, during COVID, I definitely put on a lot of weight.
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I was drinking too much alcohol and I was making bread along with everybody else, which meant I was eating a bunch of bread.
00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:08.960
And so basically I got into this really unhealthy physical state.
00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:24.320
And when we moved out to Colorado and I got separation from a lot of the things that pulled me into that depressive place, I was able to see what my future would hold if I started showing up for my own health again.
00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:38.000
And so I had to recognize that both can be true, that I was in a place that was unhealthy for me, where I was struggling and I was carrying excess weight that I didn't want.
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And I had to accept that reality.
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But also I knew that if I showed up and stayed consistent and put in effort, that the future results were going to be worth it.
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And that comes back to the idea of discipline.
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We talk about discipline a lot when we think about our physical health and wellness.
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And y'all, I am not a personal trainer.
00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:04.559
I am not certified as a health, you know, expert or anything like that.
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This is just my own personal experience.
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But the other two ideas that we can hold in one thought is we can be disciplined and give ourselves grace.
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We can be disciplined and rest.
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Because everybody who is a super successful with their physical fitness knows that rest days are just as important as your heavy lifting days.
00:11:31.039 --> 00:11:39.039
The rest days is what's going to give your body time to implement all of that work that you just did.
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You can be disciplined and give yourself opportunities for rest and give yourself grace.
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I've been a personal development and leadership coach for several years now.
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Even before I started my coaching business, the roles that I had at the special events venues and the software industry was all about leadership and helping people elevate themselves, helping people learn, improve, and just show up better as a human and as a colleague.
00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:34.159
As a leader and as a coach in the leadership development space, a lot of times people look at me and people in my position as somebody who has the ultimate answer of you have to know the answer to every one of my questions regarding leadership, or you're not really worth your salt.
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And that's again too black and white because that's like saying I should just know the answer to everything, always, forever, and never allow myself to grow and evolve.
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So both are true.
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I can be a teacher and a coach, and I can be a learner.
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One of the best teachers and coaches you have ever interacted with, I guarantee you, focuses just as much on learning and improving their own knowledge as they do sharing that knowledge with other people.
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Both can be true.
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One of the most obvious ways that we can believe and practice this concept of both things being true is when it comes to being courageous and stepping into hard things.
00:13:23.919 --> 00:13:27.919
Because courage cannot exist without fear.
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And so, in order for us to step into a courageous place, there also has to be some element of fear or concern or knowledge that we are stepping into uncertainty, but we do it anyways.
00:13:43.360 --> 00:14:03.440
So if you're sitting in a big decision right now and you're not ready to make it because it's a little scary and you're uncertain of how it's going to turn out, and you're going down the negative cycle of the what if game, you're probably seeking a bit of courage.
00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:11.120
But courage is not something that just shows up, it's something that is activated when you take action.
00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:13.440
It's the same thing as confidence.
00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:19.360
Confidence is not something that just shows up, it's something that's built over time through evidence.
00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:21.840
And that's the same thing with courage.
00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:29.039
Because every time you're a little scared and you do it anyways, that is building your courage.
00:14:29.279 --> 00:14:31.519
That is building your confidence.
00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:37.200
Years ago, when I was working at that software company, I knew I had to go.
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I knew it was time for me to summon my courage and make the decision to leave.
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And once I made that decision, a huge relief washed over me.
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:53.759
But I still had several weeks of notice to work out at the company and in that position.
00:14:54.000 --> 00:15:04.399
But I remember clear as day, on my last day, I was so excited to close that chapter.
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I was.
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And I'm I'm grateful to my past self for making that choice.
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I remember walking out of the office on my last day, so relieved and excited that I had left.
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And the moment I got into my car, I broke down and ugly cried.
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Because I was grieving this identity that I had built for almost four years as a leader in that company.
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I was grieving all of the work that I had put in that I would no longer know where it went.
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I was also grieving what could have been if things were different.
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And just because I was grieving that role, that identity as Michelle as the director of customer experience at a software company, I also knew it was the right choice.
00:15:59.919 --> 00:16:04.000
Just because I was grieving it doesn't mean I regretted my decision.
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Both can be true.
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And I think that's why a lot of us get so stuck in these patterns.
00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:20.159
We know things, maybe they just really suck, or we're in a tough spot, we're in a challenge, we're burnt out, whatever.
00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:26.559
Where we struggle is cultivating that optimism for a more positive future.
00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:40.559
And so I think that's what I want to leave y'all with today as we kind of start getting to the end of this, is if you are stuck in a pattern right now of it's just a bad place.
00:16:40.799 --> 00:16:44.720
Whatever that means for you, you're you're feeling it in a lot of ways.
00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:51.519
When was the last time you intentionally cultivated a more optimistic future for yourself?
00:16:51.919 --> 00:17:03.759
When was the last time you asked yourself, what can I do differently to change the trajectory of the next year, five years, my lifetime?
00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:07.359
Now you have a choice on what to do differently.
00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:14.559
That's one of my favorite things to do when I'm even when I'm just talking with people, I kind of have to pull myself back because I just get so excited.
00:17:14.799 --> 00:17:23.759
When I can see from an outsider's perspective, the patterns that people are putting themselves into and they are just spiraling and spiraling.
00:17:24.160 --> 00:17:38.480
I love to help people recognize that they are stuck in that pattern and then show them that there's another door that they've never seen that they can start walking towards for an entirely new trajectory.
00:17:39.039 --> 00:17:52.720
But I know when we're in that suck spiral, it's too hard to see outside of it sometimes, which is why it's so good for y'all to all have somebody you can share your struggles with to give you an outsider's perspective.
00:17:52.960 --> 00:18:05.519
If we circle back around to one of the things I said at the top of the episode, is too often we are trying to prove that one emotion is more important or more valid than another emotion.
00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:14.799
I think we're all causing ourselves a lot of unnecessary suffering by trying to prove that one emotion invalidates another.
00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:22.640
And if you take away anything from this episode, I hope it's that you know both are true.
00:18:24.240 --> 00:18:27.519
You can be grieving and you can be happy.
00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:39.920
You can stand 10 toes down knowing that you leaving a relationship or a job or whatever was 100% the right decision.
00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:42.079
And you can still miss it.
00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:59.119
So if you have been trying to prove to yourself that one choice cancels out the other, or one opinion and validates the other, or you should only feel one emotion and not another, I hope you'll remember that both are true.
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:05.440
Thanks for joining me for today's conversation and for allowing me to also process this idea in real time.
00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:16.400
It's something that I've been thinking about a lot, as I will lovingly remember my sweet boy Macklin as we cross to the one-year anniversary since we said goodbye.
00:19:16.799 --> 00:19:22.559
I will grieve for what was, but I will also be joyful for all of the amazing years that we had.
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:29.519
So if you have a pet at home, I would love for you to give them some ear scritches from me in honor of Macklin.
00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:32.720
And I appreciate y'all listening.
00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:35.839
Remember, none of these ideas are anything new.
00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:43.200
These are age-old concepts, but sometimes we just need the reminder that both are true.
00:19:43.440 --> 00:19:45.200
I'll catch y'all next time.
