Rocky:
0:12 are you ready to talk? We're ready to listen on.
Vic:
0:15 This season of this is hard. We journey with those willing to share their story and take control of the narrative. This is hard, but it doesn't have to be so Rocky. What is your thoughts on or understanding, I should say on PTSD?
Rocky:
0:37 So my thoughts on PTSD and my understanding on PTSD, and my understanding bottom line would be that the the government does not take care of its soldiers like it needs to.
Vic:
0:54 So you hear PTSD, you immediately go to military. I do.
Rocky:
0:56 I go to military um I think of the the men and women that that are damaged in war.
Vic:
1:05 Yeah.
Rocky:
1:07 That's what I think of Now. Obviously, ptsd is literally, just, from what I understand, the mental remnants of some type of trauma, right, but I think it's it's more more recognizable um in the military setting yeah, like, do you think this is something people like a lot of people who have ptsd, with something in their life that they have undiagnosed, or just you know, I think it's very possible that that there's more people that experience ptsd than they than are known about yeah, because even like covet, I would say, like some people can say that we all went through something.
Vic:
2:00 Oh yeah, I mean it was pretty stressful especially the children.
Rocky:
2:04 Yeah, the children are definitely affected.
Vic:
2:10 Yeah, and and will be affected yeah probably the rest of their lives I think it definitely made that generation way more aware of like germs and bacteria than like our generation for example like I went to school with this girl who got off the bus and ate a worm for no reason just just was like I eat a worm and I was just like is that happening nowadays, or like? Are we too aware of? Like bacteria?
Rocky:
2:33 nah, they still doing it. I mean my daughter, she, she doesn't care about no germ.
Vic:
2:39 She it's yeah, there, yeah, but like during covid, she was what like much, much younger yeah, she was like I mean, I'm talking about. We were in middle school, right, yeah, right, when this happened. Um, so, yeah, ptsd is definitely, I think. Um, it's a very common phrase now people know all about it. It's not like one of those things where people are like what is that? You know?
Vic:
3:00 it's like people at least understand that it's not a good thing for sure that most people are, have or will experience it, or are currently experiencing it. And then, um, to what extent are people experiencing PTSD, cause we have no idea what they're reliving or whatever. It is Right, um, which is why I find this interview to be very, um, insightful. Um, which is why I find this interview to be very insightful At times kind of hard to listen to. When you put yourself in a situation where you're serving the military, you want to feel like you're safe, right, so we had the privilege of speaking with somebody who endured a little bit of stressful times in the military and wanted to share their story with us. Um, so, without further ado, here is our episode with d. All right, so the first thing, first things first. Every guest got a freestyle.
Rocky:
3:59 you got you, gotta give us a quick 15.
Vic:
4:02 Yeah, just give us like four bars and Meg's gonna jump in after you. And then I think Rocky's got a few bars, huh.
Rocky:
4:12 Yeah, I've been to a couple bars.
Vic:
4:15 He says I think he thinks I'm serious.
Rocky:
4:19 I am.
Anonymous:
4:21 I am convinced this is what you want to do.
Vic:
4:23 We haven't done that. I was just like it'd be funny to put some intro music. You're welcome.
Soul Sesh:
4:29 I could tell he thought I was being serious.
Vic:
4:31 I was already starting and he's like damn, y'all are prepared he's like man.
Rocky:
4:35 Alright, can we go over some ground rules?
Anonymous:
4:38 go for it. No, I want y'all to give me some ground rules yeah, I got you, let me get my phone.
Vic:
4:42 I got you no, no, we don't need that.
Anonymous:
4:44 Yeah, fuck that. Damn Rocky, you got shut down dog.
Rocky:
4:48 It's all right. It happens a lot. He's full of shit, yeah.
Anonymous:
4:52 I got some, I got some right here.
Vic:
4:54 No rules. Everything is you know. If you get angry you want to punch somebody Rocky's closest, it just makes more sense.
Rocky:
5:01 That's no problem.
Vic:
5:01 Punch Rocky in his big ass, stupid ass head, and he's cute though, I ain't gonna lie.
Soul Sesh:
5:09 He's cute.
Vic:
5:11 He looks like he's about to throw some cardboard out and start doing some B-boy shit.
Rocky:
5:16 I do, you know.
Vic:
5:18 Headspins. This is my headspin hat. Welcome to this is Hard With Rocky and Vic. Um, welcome to this is hard with rocky and vick. Um, yeah, today's episode is gonna be amazing. We get to talk with the one and only um, no. So so, yeah, we're happy that you're're here and that you decided to share with us things you've experienced. So I'll pass it over to Rocky. He's going to ask you some questions, bro.
Rocky:
5:53 I'm ready. Hey, what's up man?
Anonymous:
5:55 What's up.
Rocky:
5:56 So what made you join the military?
Anonymous:
6:01 The reason I joined the military. It's a funny story.
Rocky:
6:04 Mm-hmm Senior year.
Anonymous:
6:04 Senior year the reason I joined the military. It's a funny story, senior year, senior year, that's a funny year. I knew I had to make a decision and one of them was we're poor and I didn't quite have the grades for the top scholarship Right, and I was 17. A lot of pressure. No-transcript was two years later. So we're kind of, you know, winning and it doesn't seem as dangerous to join.
Rocky:
6:56 It seems dangerous right, right, but it's not.
Anonymous:
6:59 It's not like joining in 2002 no, and also I had, you know, a lot of pressure from my family to excel in school. I mean, doctor was something I was throwing around like right, you're gonna be a doctor and I'm like, I'm gonna be a doctor, like what does that mean as a kid like right and so I'm gonna be a doctor and I realized, oh, you think I'm smart enough to be a doctor. So I kind of just made that like nobody's, guiding you really honestly as a male figure at that point.
Rocky:
7:28 So anyways, to keep on track with the question. So did you not have a male figure?
Anonymous:
7:33 No, like my funny story is like maybe a few years before, like I would say, within five years before I graduated.
Soul Sesh:
7:41 I had found out.
Anonymous:
7:41 The guy that is living with us was my not my, not my biological dad, so I had to have been, let's say, 13 okay when I found out and how long he lived with you since birth, I mean he was there when I was born because he met my mom when I was already, you know, and conceived.
Anonymous:
7:57 So he, he raised me, but he didn't, um, didn't do a really good job. He did a. He broke about, you know, most of the rules in the book and I think the most would be physical harm to someone, long-term damage to someone. He did it and sometimes I would say on purpose, because he wasn't managing his stress. I can't manage mine sometimes, I'm sure that doesn't help.
Anonymous:
8:23 He is literally. He didn't raise me, me, but he raised me right. So we, I was the oldest and I wasn't really his, so he, I don't know, I can't really speak for what he did. What was his mentality? I don't know right I just know a version of him that was very physical, very corporal, like borderline abusive punishments. You know the the verbal abuse as well was he at any point in the military?
Anonymous:
8:48 never, no, he's uh, he was verbally abusive, verbally threatening you'd fear for your life. You know that he could and there were stories about him. You know so he was. He was kind of an, he was abusive uncle. You know everybody would tell it's crazy that I'm thinking this, but every time that fat side, his side of the family, would see me, they'd treat me like I'm, like a prize fighter or something, cause I, I like, I'm with, like you know, I'm living with their most feared person, right, right. They're like hey, howard, can we get you anything?
Anonymous:
9:21 They're like trying to keep me safe and stuff Right To where, like I remember breaking a mirror in her sister's sister's house and they would come pick us up and like they put like extra pants on me because they knew he was gonna whoop that ass. Wow, and he found out that he's like, damn, why does he have so many pants on? He whooped me more because of that double jeopardy, right?
Anonymous:
9:41 yeah, no, I don't think so anyways story short you'd fear for your life, you'd never feel comfortable. So all this getting to the point of picking my destiny, and I know I wanted to get the hell out of there.
Rocky:
9:53 Right.
Anonymous:
9:54 So and I felt bad because I was leaving my sisters behind and my mom, which you know I would say would always fall on the side of. Obviously she still cares about me, she still loves me, she doesn't, but a lot of the abuse was when she wasn't there, you know. So, yeah, and then, you know, being an immigrant, you know, person like this, uh, you know it, it kind of puts a lot of weight on whatever your decision is and it's like you don't get do-overs right. What do you? What are your tools to succeed in life? Nothing, it was like. And the only recommendation is be a doctor. And, like I knew, at some point I was like I gotta be a doctor.
Anonymous:
10:33 You know, maybe I had like super high hopes but like hopes is all like I didn't have a what you know. So the the next part was the act. I did actually pretty good. I got a 23 and, um, it was enough. Like that was doesn't sound high, but for one of us, like the next person got like a 17. That I knew, and then it only got worse from that I got.
Anonymous:
10:55 I got no people I looked up to was like no, like I'm not even taking that thing, and I'm like right so it's like no examples, you know, and also, if that was the example, like if I was the one to start making an example, some people might even make fun of me, like my cousins would. That's not, you know. If those, it was not the cool thing to do. The cool thing to do is go work for this guy, do this, you know hard labor and eventually run your own crew and you know, and then you're, you're, you're a made man, where it was like I didn't get know, I didn't have any of that. So you know, it was tough to get a model because that's all we really had.
Rocky:
11:30 What made being in the military an option for you? Where did you hear it from? What made you think that was an option?
Anonymous:
11:38 One of my relatives had joined and we were really proud of him. For sure we were. That was almost becoming the thing that everybody was promoting. Right, you know? So the way out, yeah, like here's the tools to succeed, you know, and he just you get through high school and then the military's there.
Anonymous:
11:55 So anyways that's what steered me was just the need to do something, and I remember taking the ASVAB test and I did pretty good and the recruiter said you basically can have any job that the Navy has to offer, like including like even their high level stuff but like nuclear stuff, you know stuff that again that would have been great to get into. You know what? I mean, and uh, but no, I, uh, I did something that fit my personality and fit kind of like where I had been groomed to be as a medic, a medic in the us navy and the way they do it is it's a pipeline.
Anonymous:
12:30 They already know what day you're going to get to boot camp and so if you ever break that pipeline, you just took up a seat so and everything has to be filled. So the next, so I got taken, so this story impacted me because it would have started me a little bit sooner. Well, the time at that was it was still dangerous is where I, so I, I guess I'm saying then, before I even begin, the thing is um, I was, uh, yeah.
Anonymous:
12:54 I could have done better in that class. I needed to pass this class.
Anonymous:
12:58 I woke up sick for a final exam and my mom said you're staying home, and I told her I couldn't. So she said she'd write a letter and the next day, and I would be cleared, I'd be able to take my test. But she just said that she didn't, you know, investigate for me, like I know we would, for our children, like, wait, you know he's sick, are you going to let him take this exam? That's what I would have, but that's just not the era that was existent at the time. So she made me stay home, sent me with a letter.
Anonymous:
13:27 The teacher tore up the letter because she was sick of seniors being, like, you know, cutting out early and kind of abusing their power. You know the fact that they're about to graduate. So she we feel people that know this story that side with me say that it's she might have been having like a terrible situation before I got there and unfortunately, she told me that, uh, I always had to repeat, um, that class in summer school which broke all the plans that I had made, right, and we brought my recruiter there, my mom, she didn't want to talk to anybody. Finally, we talking, she went to the school, we went to the school board, I believe, and they finally, um, granted us like a meeting with her, and she agreed to she's gonna leave the zero and she's gonna make me take the exam again and I needed a hundred to get the d that I needed, because I needed a d. So it was like a d plus a zero, final, okay. Okay, another chance, but you need 100. So I studied and I think I got in the 90s.
Anonymous:
14:29 You know I say 97, but it might have been like a 92.
Rocky:
14:32 Right.
Anonymous:
14:32 But they would always make us do like an essay for our final Right and that would be like extra points. And she didn't give me that permission either. She said no, we're not doing an extra point exam like everybody else got mission either.
Anonymous:
14:44 She said no we're not doing an extra point exam like everybody else got you just taking this, yeah and anyways, it was in the 90s and I failed, so I had to repeat and this ruined everything and, uh, you know, I felt a little bit of you know what is it? Um, dishonor, I guess, isn't the feeling you know like I dishonored my family because they were.
Anonymous:
15:01 I've never failed a class in my life and here I failed the most important one, but the only positive thing, because that's what I'm going to look at, because that's all you can. What were the good things that were going on? Well, there was a war that I could have went crashing into a little earlier. Obviously, the later benefited me Because at this point I had to join what they call an undesignated seaman.
Rocky:
15:25 So you were set back in the pipeline. Set back in the pipeline which might be very, you know, might be helpful, because it sets you back into war. You know that's the good side of things that happen.
Anonymous:
15:37 But then you remember all the stuff that happened to you because of this and obviously it's my fault. I should have done better in school uh-huh um, so yeah, man, I have to go to summer school. Go back to the recruiter, and I believe my recruiter actually left. So imagine being recruited by, like you know, coach saban, and then you join the school and he's gone.
Rocky:
16:01 Right. So yeah, You're like what.
Anonymous:
16:06 Now what? Now what? So the new recruiter picked me up and they were really, you know, they knew I was a target. You know, I don't have a dad I think my mom would come with me and she, at this point, barely knows English Right and they said there's nothing they could do. Basically, this high school thing just set off, like I feel like I was walking and the floor just gave up, Wow, so landed in a pool of nothingness. Now it's very specific what I can do, because nothing is open today or tomorrow.
Anonymous:
16:41 You'd have to wait until you get your situation in place after you graduate, because you haven't graduated yet. Wow, so we can't plan to get really close to where we know when you come back, because then boom, boom, boom we. It's like we booked your school, you know, and there may not be a school at that point. You'd have to wait, you know it. Just, it just made it look really ripley and very vague, so I didn't want to wait. And also, when you're ready to go, you're ready to go.
Anonymous:
17:05 Yeah, you know, you told everybody you were leaving, everybody prepared, and then now you, like this, just blew the atomic bomb. I mean, now somebody would say, like my, my mental health was being completely affected with. I would never put my kids through hope. I don't want but my kids through that level of torture, make them feel so like it's on you, right, you know, this is you, you know it's all you, all you, you know, it's almost like Abandoned, yeah, like kicked out of the nest. Yeah, you know, and with my sister that you know required more attention, I kind of, I kind of fell off to the wayside to to figure it out, you know, and I just can't remember. I hope I'm not forgetting something that may have been. You know, give my parents some sort of props.
Anonymous:
17:48 They all, they just made sure we got a house we had, we got fed you know, but to say that we had that extra, you know, upwards, you know, just just help this, what's what am I looking for? Just that, that guide, that yeah, just you know, and any kind of help would have been direction, amazing direction, yeah, and we had some, some stuff, you know, in our churches that uh affected to how we were raised anyways, all that to tell you is very, very I think that the trauma kind of uh, I started to have these little nicks at, like my mental health.
Soul Sesh:
18:27 Right.
Anonymous:
18:29 So obviously we can go into my whole life but we can't. But let's just say a lot of these unfortunate, you know, situations in our life and just constantly reminded of poverty, you know Right, and understanding like wow, we're really poor, you know. And the one thing I will tell you is the thing they would say is it starts somewhere with school, like start with school. So I kind of dedicated myself to do as best as I can any kind of school. Give me a school. I'm going to do my best and so far it's got me pretty far, like it's it's. It's been the energy, it's been my fuel to do good in school. Do your best. So, whatever that requires. So that was instilled and, um, it's something that shaped, definitely shaped me. Like you ever see the moon and you see like all the, you know the, the scars of you know what was it before that?
Anonymous:
19:25 right, you know what. What would we be looking at without that? And you know the, the, the scars. Um, you know what was it before that? Right, you know what. What would we be looking at without that? You know, who knows? We'll never know, cause you're kind of you, you are, you're. What am I trying to say here?
Rocky:
19:35 Yeah, you're you're damaged you are the pain that you've been inflicted.
Anonymous:
19:42 And so you wear that pain and trauma. Yeah, I feel like just too many traumatic things happened to me leading up to this mega one, and I mean to kind of just give you a little synopsis is it affected me so much so that I had to seek professional help, Right?
Vic:
20:06 Are you talking about something that you saw while in the military? No Something you were experiencing personally.
Anonymous:
20:13 I mean saw. So yeah, all the senses were just blasted, bro. I mean, besides smell, but maybe emotions, emotions and anger exploited to the max, imagine them. You were allowed to be the most angriest you know to where you can possibly take a. Take a soul you know, Right and um, you had to experience loneliness because, like we slept in these little green cots and we were like elbows distance and that's where we lived our life Elbows distance to the next man.
Anonymous:
20:43 Right you know, and For how long. This was a six month deployment. Yeah, it brought you places of all the emotions. The ones that you don't really like, you know, and maximum amounts of them, you know. That was what my military experience felt like A very draining of myself, and then the traumatic event that I feel killed part of me.
Rocky:
21:10 Right.
Anonymous:
21:11 And it has rocked me to the core, to where I feel that it's affecting me to the minute, to the day, like I can feel those damaged emotions, instant emotion. You know the damaged whatever's inside soul, if you want to call it you know, because you know it's a lot of the sayings like about the soul. You know I guess it could get damaged. Like you, your glow gets lower.
Anonymous:
21:36 You know your self-esteem to the all-time lowest right you know, but even when you're at your lowest, you're married to someone that might not feel like that. So you know, and they're just living their life. You know, and I'm still stuck in the mud, you know I'm. I'm trying on inside, I'm trying to look at my kids and when they see like the kids stare at you, you know and there's emotions there. They don't know your, your damages. They know a little bit because you tell them, but overall they're the most connected. If you really sit there, just try to leave and look at their pupils, they're, they're, they're in my face, whereas like I'm not like that you know, I avoid that kind of intimacy, but it's an intimate eye that me and my daughter.
Anonymous:
22:37 We look at each other and I feel like it affects me with that. Yeah, I could probably be a little more happier about those things, man, what you're going through.
Vic:
22:49 Sometimes, like bringing up any story about what you're going through, you start to see yourself as that character outside of it. Yeah, and it allows you perspective. So you know, as you're talking about the military stuff and the things that you've uh encountered, um, listening to that and then you going straight to saying you know it, it affects you minute by minute, um, something that is obviously uh, obviously unhealed and unresolved, but at least you're able to say I know that this is something that's still affecting me, like you're identifying it as an issue.
Rocky:
23:35 You're aware.
Vic:
23:37 Yeah, to attend to.
Rocky:
23:40 Yeah, so many are unaware. Yeah, so you're privileged to know and we, we've been the unaware at some point, oh yeah yeah, just seeing for for what you've said so far.
Vic:
23:52 Yeah, um, you're somebody who is wanting to be loyal to something, yeah, and you want to see that with that loyalty comes justification. So with the product that is coming out, like what's the product? Yeah, because you're a logistic type of personality, like you want the rows of ducks to be lined up Right and for it to make sense. I have this amount of ducks because I know I have this amount of ducks and I've put them in a line. So this should make sense, and when it doesn't, you know, you kind of.
Anonymous:
24:26 A man fails Right.
Vic:
24:29 And I think the product was you did great in school or not the product, but the equation we're getting is you did great in school Until the very end when something just happened and that created all these like unfortunate things, and then you went into um how an event in particular and while in the military, really affected you. That you feel like is unresolved. Do you feel like you ever got back from that or do you feel like once you entered that environment, it just followed?
Anonymous:
25:04 yeah, it's just this, um, because it is. What's explained to me is that it's compounded. It was multiple, you know, damages compounded, kind of like I guess you would look at a concussion like it was too many of them compounding grief, uh, grief, or to me it was just um compounding trauma, is what he told me and he was a. He was this licensed clinical. We went on you know a lot.
Anonymous:
25:27 He got a lot of time excuse me to know me, to meet me and, uh, I feel that, uh, you know, he gave me something that I could, I guess, work on, you know he put the time. You know this, this is what you have. You have and he was able to explain it to me to where I didn't feel like I was the only one.
Vic:
25:45 So is this a personal therapist that you chose, or was this through like a military program or something?
Anonymous:
25:51 Oh, so yeah, I've seen one before that the military did recommend to me, but he was just wanted to. Honestly, I really couldn't remember what the learning points from those visits were, except me and him just bonding, because you could talk better to someone who's been through trauma and he had something through Vietnam. So I think we would just share stories and I just can't sit here and tell you like I took something from that.
Rocky:
26:17 Right.
Anonymous:
26:18 It just maybe wasn't the time to do that yeah.
Vic:
26:21 Well, maybe you just received it in a different way at that time, Like it was what you needed then. But yeah, that's basically like a super, more so a superficial addressing of a wound rather than like the deep, like surgical stuff we need to get into.
Anonymous:
26:37 Yeah, yeah, he basically just made me feel, okay, that I was safe enough to be released to. You know, without it was just because I complained of hallucinating, For example, I'd be in bed and the ceiling fan would like scare me and I would cover my wife and she was like why are you doing this? And I'm like I thought it was a helicopter, you know yeah, right at first it was like oh, it's funny.
Vic:
27:08 But like what else could I be?
Anonymous:
27:13 you know what, how, how bad is this gonna get out? Because I really didn't know that I did that and so she was like no.
Anonymous:
27:20 And then recently I was laying on my couch and I knew I was having a pretty scary uh, nightmare and I mean very intense to the max and, uh, it involved, you know, somebody trying to hurt me and I was evading, basically, and I do remember being loud because there was a standoff at the top of the stairs and then my wife shakes me and she's like what, what was that? And I said what was what? She goes. I heard a sound come out of you that meant come here now. You know, like afraid for my life, right, who knows what I said. Could you tell me what that sound was? She goes, I can't.
Anonymous:
28:04 You made the craziest sound that was recently, recently, wow and I told her that I told exactly what my dream was and she was looking at me like this is weird, right, right, um. So I don't know if that's normal. Do you have those kind of dreams? Sorry, I just yeah, no, I mean to answer I don't know if that's normal.
Vic:
28:23 Do you have those kind of dreams? Sorry, I'm just yeah. No, I mean to answer. I can't answer a question like that and say what's normal, because what is normal? Right, but to say my word, but to, to change the word normal to like, is it? Is it frequent, at least for me? No, is it frequent for for rocky?
Vic:
28:39 no no, so you know you're one out of three and and not that it's not normal either like you could be at higher stresses, like if you're, if you have high stress, you go to bed high stress and and back-to-back days or like compounding all this stress right then you're likely gonna have bad dreams, like that's just kind of how things go, you're gonna have like some dreams, right, like yeah, you know, you've never been having some dreams.
Vic:
29:05 Your mind is just creating things that it's going through throughout the day. That's why you, you know you watch a movie and the next thing you know you like dream about. You just watch a movie about something like that, whatever. Um, I don't know anything about dreams I have my opinions on dreams, but like if you're going through something where your wife is like, hey, like that scared me even, or whatever it was that she said.
Soul Sesh:
29:29 Yeah.
Vic:
29:29 I think that's something to explore.
Soul Sesh:
29:32 You're listening to. This is Hard brought to you by Soul Sesh, where we understand that sometimes the hardest part is reaching out. Need someone to talk to, seeking clarity amidst life's chaos? Look no further. At Soul Sesh, we understand that life can be challenging. That's why we offer personalized, appointment-based sessions tailored to your needs. Take a moment to prioritize your well-being. Schedule your Soul Sesh appointment today and embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery. Your inner self awaits. Call 504-300-9910 to schedule your appointment now so you were having hallucinations with the ceiling fan.
Rocky:
30:14 What is there any other ones that happened?
Soul Sesh:
30:17 you don't have to go into specific.
Rocky:
30:18 I was just wondering if that was like the only one and you talked about it or you were having it for a little bit, remembering now, absolutely so.
Anonymous:
30:26 Not only just those hallucinations happening around that time. Um, it was a lot of uh, anger and outbursts, um, and something I would say. I just don't. I think that's where it developed, that's where I remember it being a thing the anger, the explosiveness, and so in in the military.
Anonymous:
30:48 Uh, you go through boot camp, you experience some, you know some, not bullying, but people messing around, joking around, especially men, you know practical jokes, whatever. Well, going into the military, you know, you start seeing some of that. Well, unfortunately, when you're deployed, things get crazier because people are also out there wounded, mentally, right, and we would do these security patrols at night, at all hours of the day, and we would come home to those little green beds that you know I was telling you about, elbows width apart, right, and we would only have enough time to basically get back from a patrol. Uh, take a shower, lay down, maybe you might get eight hours, but then you're back out, right, when you wake up, back on a patrol, for those last, like seven, six, six or seven, six to eight hours, and we'd have to come back home and then I'd have to keep just sleeping for a little bit.
Rocky:
31:55 When you say home, you mean the cot, back to our cots. Yeah Right.
Anonymous:
31:58 And we were out in the. You know the dangerous areas and we were out in the. You know the dangerous areas and so, unfortunately, that wears on you, that your safety. Am I going to get back home those thoughts? Get pretty deep. You know, that's traumatic in itself.
Anonymous:
32:14 And anybody who goes out there and has to be on constant alert. You're going to be traumatized, it's going to be something that could affect you, and in my case it was. That I was already going in there wounded mentally, like not having too much trust in people, especially males, is what I found out in therapy. It's predominantly males Males, I mean. I feel too. I always have to fight for my safety.
Rocky:
32:40 Right.
Anonymous:
32:41 And then going to war, things got a little more, more, a little Amped up, a little amped up, and it was this one guy that was he's in a position of, you know, superiority to me.
Anonymous:
32:53 So I have to like, basically, he's our boss, basically Right, and I would have to be in a vehicle while they were, you know, standing like a security, and the driver, the passenger, and it was me in the back and then the gunner, and we would, honestly, we would sleep, like, as long as you weren't up there doing the security, everybody was passed out sleeping Right.
Anonymous:
33:19 And so that's how it first started, because I was like, oh shoot, we're piece, you know so. But there was the guy that was in charge of all of us. He would throw like grenades inside the vehicle and you know they weren't detonated, but they were like he'd want to wake you up, thinking you're just about to get blown up. And I'm like, oh my gosh, like what the hell? Because you wake up, you're in a danger zone and you just hear like, whatever, because you, I can't even tell you what it sounds like, I just know that it sounds like we're about to get blown up right you know, like just waking us up, screaming at us, throwing the you know fake grenade in there, and we're like, oh my god.
Anonymous:
33:56 You know, like, oh god, this is. Oh, you got yo just a joke, haha. So you know it's like, okay, yeah, we like this right and so, um, yeah, some of that stuff was going on, some what, what do they call it like hazing could be hazing. Yeah, I mean I don't think that's a good way to uh, it's not a good way, but honestly I could be like too sensitive. Maybe the other guys thought it was really funny you're.
Rocky:
34:20 Yeah, this is the worst thing ever I don't, I don't think that you're a little too sensitive with uh fake grenade.
Anonymous:
34:27 Yeah, like that's pretty, that's pretty deep but it's not a fake grenade, it's a real grenade exactly that's what I'm saying.
Anonymous:
34:33 They're gonna like bro, you over here playing, yeah, yeah, like like those memories from the, from dark places, I feel like they somehow are, are infiltrating, like my daily decisions, with how I deal with things Like receiving love from my kids, giving love to my kids. You know, just being a good adult, really, honestly, that's kind of the word I want to use. Good, just be a good adult. Be a good adult, dude, manage it right, don't hurt anybody else, don't keep the trauma going, right. But it's been really hard because, you know, I feel like I'm just not being made aware of some things that are just not right. You know, and it took some people that are really close to me to tell me that you know you need help. Brother, right, I did. I went to go get help because too many things were adding up, too many things, and I just felt like it was time to go get this checked out. Yeah, that's how I met my therapist. Back to the traumatic event.
Rocky:
35:38 So they were pranking people throwing a grenade in trying to act like you're about to be blown up.
Anonymous:
35:45 And then and so yeah, so we're continuing on with the deployment and I'm feeling all the normal things you know missing home and right, just feeling like we're in constant danger. That's expected, um, but this one was kind of developing with this one individual that would like to do those kinds of pranks. And the last one, the most important one, that went wrong.
Anonymous:
36:10 I think, because I don't know what he was thinking, but we were out, okay, so let me rewind a little bit. I was, I mean, I feel like I have to ask you off permission to let me tell you all I felt tired, you know it was very exhausting being out there.
Anonymous:
36:25 I could tell you about the living conditions. It's crazy. The life is just crazy over there and it affected my sleep and so I was on this crazy rotation and I would find myself dozing off in the middle of the night. But this is after, oh my gosh, craziest, craziest, eventful day. You know, it wasn't because I was playing Xbox or anything like that.
Soul Sesh:
36:50 It was just because.
Anonymous:
36:51 I probably wasn't sleeping Because, literally, when you're not working, you're sleeping.
Soul Sesh:
36:56 And if you're not?
Anonymous:
36:56 sleeping or working. You're eating, you know, and getting ready to, you know. Go back out. That's how it is out there. It's not like a office job you know it's like, let me clock in, I'm going to have my days off. No, it is balls to the wall. Every day is a day that we need to do something. Let me tell you what it is. Boom, I felt like it was a competition to stay awake, you know, and it was hard because, like I, would drink an enormous amount of uh. We called them.
Soul Sesh:
37:25 Uh, rippets energy drinks.
Anonymous:
37:26 I think I still sell them and I would drink, drink, drink and it wasn't keeping me up and I was like dozing off well this one night, allegedly because I was dozed off um the the guy that's in question was my boss. He called my name and I didn't respond and so he assumed I was sleeping, which I probably was.
Anonymous:
37:48 I probably had messed off, and unfortunately I was not all the way out, because I do remember hearing something you know, kind of like it's pitch black. Sorry, let me set this up. This is like a big SUV that's armored to the nine, so it's essentially like a very heavily fortified oven and there's only enough space to sit and maybe you're crouched a little bit like this and you have all these straps, you have the guy that's running the guns and then you have the two drivers and it's like a transformer truck thing, they call them MRAPs, okay, and I'm in the back and there's one seat and I'm sitting back there and all of a sudden it's pitch black.
Anonymous:
38:28 You might see like the little green digital screens, like navigation screens and all that Um, and we're in, in, in. So I think I start kind of coming a little bit back to awareness and I heard a metal object kind of tinking, and what that sound was was he threw something at me and ended up being a flashbang for he, he his decision when he called my name and he didn't assume that was sleeping and his next reaction was let me prank him to what. He'll never do this again. And he threw, uh, basically a stun grenade at me inside of that thing when you say that he threw it like he threw the grenades that weren't old.
Anonymous:
39:09 No, this was alive.
Anonymous:
39:11 Alive through it and just to just imagine that inside of that of pressure cooker you're in a halfway sleep like a daze. You hear it, and then it, it hit me, and then it just the freaking sound of you know, I don't know what it's on. I blew, busted my ears up like I all I could hear was that the hype, just like in the movies. You know, that's all I could hear and it's I could still hear it. I mean, it's part of me, like right now. I hear it. Um, sometimes it gets louder, but it's there, it's ringing in the ears, it's just there is anyone else affected by this?
Anonymous:
39:52 yes, uh I think the driver, the driver, and this is like, probably the size of like a stretch. No, it's not a stretch, it's like the size of a big old tractor in length and just like appearance, it's just a big nasty thing.
Vic:
40:05 So three of y'all, or did the boss endure that as well? I guess so, but did he you?
Anonymous:
40:12 know who knows, Maybe he did and he just didn't admit to it. But I don't know, Nobody has his story.
Vic:
40:17 Okay, maybe he did and he just didn't admit to it, but I don't know his. Nobody has his story. Okay, and just so this happens. You're disoriented. Then what happens?
Anonymous:
40:22 man, and so my immediate feeling is I thought I was dead because I mean, there had to be some sort of concussion. You know, it's a stunt, it's a stuntman, it's a flash, but it's meant to bang, bang you into another. You know, just just stun you. You know, and it stun you, you know, and it landed literally in my chest, like I think I had a bruise on my bicep from when, like the piece just like just busted, you know, and I'm like and I'm looking for something I mentioned, looking for something.
Vic:
40:49 you know what I mean and it just and it goes off. It's got to be weird man.
Anonymous:
40:53 Yeah, that's got gotta be not pleasant. But luckily I don't remember um, I don't really remember it, except just a loud bang, the sound after, and then just the fogginess and I just I, I think my immediate thoughts were somebody threw a grenade in the in that whole thing. That was my biggest worry, because it's the turret person he's in what's like a cutout.
Soul Sesh:
41:22 Somebody throws it it could land in there.
Anonymous:
41:25 You see that in the movies too. That was my first thing. I said, oh my gosh, somebody threw it in the hole. I thought it was dead or dying. I think I just came back too and I felt like I was, like I was fine, I was like man, I think I'm okay, like what that? And then comes confusion. You know like what happened. What the hell was that?
Anonymous:
41:47 then you start kind of trying to replay the tape and nobody's telling me anything. We just continue on driving and I'm like wow, like I'm literally in, like this, just shock, like what the hell happened? So the driver didn't say anything nothing and uh, no, I'm sorry, I'm kind of in a daze.
Anonymous:
42:04 We hadn't started yet okay I think I was like, wow, what the hell happened? I think he said you were sleeping. So he gave me some clues, because I remember I'm processing another emotion which I felt was anger. So confusion and then anger, uh, and so here I am, like I can't hear, and I'm starting to understand that I was sleeping. I was sleeping, so that was a flashbang, because it wasn't a grenade, like you already know your equipment nobody has I got a fire blaster, no, I don't know.
Rocky:
42:35 it's like I used to have a fire blaster I sold it.
Anonymous:
42:41 I know you've got a flashbang and then you don't even have a grenade, you just have rounds and you have a weapon, but you carry flashbangs. So this was a flashbang. Immediately this dude flashbanged. They're like this dude flashbanged me. I was like damn, this dude flashbang me. I was like damn, this dude flashbang me. Like I went through all these emotions like it was funny, funny. And then I'm like man, this guy, like damn, like this dude, why would he do that? That's kind of messed up to my ears.
Anonymous:
43:08 Like you, I don't know, y'all ever lost y'all's hearing, to where y'all you were worried it was gonna come back.
Rocky:
43:15 No, I don't think so, can you?
Vic:
43:16 imagine nothing. But I've had that moment where my kid has literally yelled in my ear for whatever reason, just way too close to my ear.
Anonymous:
43:26 Yeah.
Vic:
43:26 And my ear goes out and it pisses me off.
Anonymous:
43:29 So much yeah, yeah, because it hurts yeah.
Vic:
43:31 It like literally physically hurts your ear.
Anonymous:
43:33 But what about the recovery? Does it get back to kind of normal?
Vic:
43:36 I mean, it takes like a bit yeah exactly so you've felt it.
Anonymous:
43:41 It's like this noise level that you're just not designed. I think the death of something in there. Oh right, because it was just. And then, like, imagine waking up and you still can't hear. How long did it take? I would say at least a week, because I was worried that I'd have to, like I was telling like there was another kind of medic like me and I was like, hey, so like how long should this take?
Rocky:
44:05 that I could barely hear like right, I thought about to say you weren't like completely deaf?
Anonymous:
44:09 no, because I could barely hear. Everything was I couldn't hear man and um, no, it actually was. I wasn't my friends, I was they. They brought me back to like a medical. They moved me out to like the medical tent which, believe it or not, I didn't sleep in the medical tent, I slept with the boys, you know. And so funny story is now I'm saying that they actually decided to not keep me there none of this story has been funny by the way I've been laughing.
Soul Sesh:
44:36 It's so funny.
Anonymous:
44:38 Well, they decided to ship me back to the main, like main unit, where there's a little bit more more attention and like medical attention, check me out. And then it got better. But while I was there, they're like hey, while you're here, we've got to keep your weapon you know what's it called Like, basically I um tuned to, to be straight, you know, because sometimes what you're aiming at is not where you, you know where your thing is calibrated, basically so, and also just to I think they call it weapons quality, like weapons qualification, which is weird because we're qualified, I guess we just have to keep retraining.
Anonymous:
45:16 And I remember putting on earplugs, shooting, and then my ears would do that thing again, like now, I just went back to that to deaf and I can't hear anything. I'm like what the hell? So I go to the person and I was like, hey, is it normal to have earplugs in? And you go deaf. They're like no, here, put on double things, things right. And then, uh, look, I think it got better because when I shot again, my ears went louder, so it wasn't even about the noise damaging it it was like.
Anonymous:
45:51 My brain was like let me put you through something every time you hit this level of Damn. So it was just a trigger. It was really just a trigger. So it really is not even the. It was just in your head, maybe. Right, like my head generated that.
Vic:
46:06 Right, and you feel like over time since the occurrence to now, has it progressively better or has it kind of always just plateaued and stayed.
Anonymous:
46:20 I think after that event, what I was left with was just feeling like I was wronged. I never got the ability to avenge myself. I feel like I don't know why that's a thing he got me and I want a piece of him too. I want to hurt him too, but since I can't, you know, like the cliche, hurt people hurt people, you know and so I feel like I have a lot of anger to get off on myself, so that you know I could be relieved of it because it's in there yeah, you know it's those freaking memories that I was telling y'all.
Anonymous:
46:57 But I feel, like that holds true to me, that we're able to carry these little freaking universes of us in these situations right, and it's like, oh, we get out of it, put it away, but like that's taking up space somewhere yeah, and the thing is like where, when you're sharing a, a suv with somebody, right, and you're supposed to be on the same team, the last person you're expecting to to damage you is that person.
Vic:
47:28 Like, the whole point of that is the camaraderie and the safety that it's supposed to um create, right? So I think that you've probably have had to deal with not being not feeling safe too long, um, from from your life experience is just, it's constantly like you're at war, even when you're not at war, and then there's triggers reminding you of when you were at war and there's just never been an opportunity to detach from that military position. So you still carry that. You know the lifestyle that you have, even though you know what you're doing is now out in the trenches, like you still treat it that way. But, yeah, I mean, the good thing is that you, like you said you saw a therapist, um, and that I'm, you know. Are you still? Do you feel like you still have a long way to go? Do you feel like y'all, are you still seeing this therapist or?
Anonymous:
48:32 I don't see him. He checks in with me. He's a great therapist, even though I haven't seen him. Um, since I, you know, just kind of rearranged my schedule and I couldn't, and you know a couple other things, we just pause for a moment. So what I do feel is the issues are still there. You know, some of the knee-jerk reactions are still there, but, um, I'm aware that what I do, what I'm doing, can improve, always can be improved. You know, I've come a long way to you know, just that's.
Anonymous:
49:02 That's going to be the first thing. But uh, I know now, when I'm not moving forward, if I'm just being kind of taken by the current of my emotions, of my trauma, letting that you know dictate, dictate how I feel. I've been trying my hardest to kind of change a lot um of myself, uh, mainly with my self-discipline. I'm trying right now. I'm trying right now, gosh, I want to stick to it, but I have kind of let myself go since leaving the military you know, uh, just lost interest in taking care of myself.
Anonymous:
49:37 I just felt so sick from within and so hurt, so wounded, that you know, the outside, you know, just let it. So the self-care stuff is hard for me, you know, it's just weird. It's just these weird little things that get resolved, that happen because I feel, because of the trauma. But you can work on it, you know, you can develop a better image of yourself and remind yourself that you are, you're okay, like you know you're not, I'm not diseased. That's the one, that's one thing, because I was like I need to like I've never had anything wrong with me, you know. So I have a mental thing going on right now. Yeah, it's a mental thing. You need to work on it Right, because the stuff you're doing ain't right. You know, with your anger being so explosive on people that are like whoa bro, like they don't deserve that that's way too much anger, you know Right.
Anonymous:
50:33 And to where it's hurt my relationships with people. You know a lot of people that have, you know, experienced that from me. It hurts, you know it's not a good I'm not a cool person to be angry with Right. It's dark and it hurts. It can hurt people, you know. So, yeah, I deal, I deal with these, with these, these things from my past, in my everyday life today and, um, it does affect, like I said, with my daughter just being to accept her love and not like, try not to like, any of my. If you want to call it disease, but it's not, it's something that just I don't know. If you want to call it disease, but it's not, it's something that just I don't know what you want to call it, but it's not a disease.
Rocky:
51:22 Your affliction yeah.
Anonymous:
51:24 My issues can be managed and you know from what I'm hearing it could be healed and I very much would love to know what this looks like healed. Yeah, yeah, would love to know what this looks like healed.
Vic:
51:35 Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, there's so much with the process that you take. I think you just need consistency with whatever decision you make, with finding healing. You just have to create that safety for yourself. I think that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to create safety for everyone else, but you're not safe with yourself yet. You know you're essentially at war with yourself Because you have the formula and I think, uh, you have everything, you have all the utilities. It's my point.
Vic:
52:26 Um, I think it just ends up having to be where you have to be militant with your healing now, and not just militant with your lifestyle and your career and your everything else. Um, I think that you have to dedicate yourself to healing, just like you did to the government, because then I think you'll be able to see like a different version of yourself. Um, it sucks that you've had to take this much shit for this long. Just knowing from what you've said so far, the stuff that you've gone through has seemed like setback after setback after setback, and then something that was supposed to change your life for the positive was like kind of traumatizing, and then now you got to come back to the real world or whatever and operate after enduring all that stuff where there's no justification at all. Um, you know this guy. Did he ever get in trouble like? Was he ever reprimanded? Did he just get to get away?
Anonymous:
53:25 he did get demoted I don't know if demoted's the word he just got put in some sort of like restriction where he wasn't allowed to like lead the team anymore yeah and then last I heard he was being transferred to another unit to, I guess, go through their disciplinary process. But you don't get you know.
Rocky:
53:42 Signed the paper the next day, it's just here say she say all right what is something that would have helped you or shortened your journey to healing that you could have heard right when you got out of the military? Like what would I tell myself?
Anonymous:
54:07 basically.
Rocky:
54:08 Sure. What would?
Anonymous:
54:09 help myself. I mean definitely that you have options. Just don't make any hasty decisions, because at that point it's a hasty decision after another.
Soul Sesh:
54:21 Are you going to get?
Anonymous:
54:21 out. Are you going to continue? I chose to just get out and pursue nursing, but what I tell myself is that I have options. You have options, go get help. You have options, go get help. You're wounded, you know, go get some. See if you could find this kind of level as you just process the things that have happened to you up until that point, take care of the new ones. That are the ones that got ignored. And then every day we have, we have, mental health issues that could require assistance. You know, one step at a time, one step at a time.
Anonymous:
55:04 Get some help, Maybe like I don't know, I don't know, just tell me. Somebody would have had to tell me, like my family would tell me you need help, right, and that's basically because they just ask you a couple questions, like do you want to hurt yourself? Do you want to hurt someone else? Do you have? I think they did ask about nightmares and that's how I was sent to go get it addressed. But like, how?
Soul Sesh:
55:25 do you heal from?
Anonymous:
55:26 that Right. I could have done 10 visits with the guy. It may have not fixed it, but I do know that you know now understanding what I know now about, about how I operate it. It it's helping me, it's helping me work on something before. It was just. No, this is what I am. I didn't really know what was happening.
Rocky:
55:47 I was just kind of like reacting, basically, and it wasn't pleasant, so sorry you went through that man, going through that you. You definitely didn't deserve it.
Vic:
55:58 Yeah, bro, that shit affects how you handle any and all relationships Right. That requires trust, which are, like all, the important ones.
Anonymous:
56:08 A lot of stuff was mistrusted with me man.
Vic:
56:10 Yeah, I mean you probably carry that into your relationships with friends, with family, with coworkers. Like trust to you probably is now like a new. There's a whole new definition. Um, there's a. There's a saying I heard a long time ago was uh, trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets you know, and it's like it takes a lot to build it right um, and then, once you lose it, it's like there's so much going on.
Rocky:
56:39 That's so true, and especially, like you said, with your trauma compounding. And not only that, it was one trauma after another, but the two things that you talked about was one being basically abandoned by who you thought was your father and being wrong by who you thought was your boss and the person that was gonna one person that I would assume take care of me, correct? So it's not just two different traumas. They are definitely intertwined and and you know had an effect for sure, right okay.
Vic:
57:20 So so we, we got through the um, the, the pain of it. Uh, we're getting closer to the healing of it, right?
Vic:
57:27 yeah, um, you know, you can kind of at least you're talking about it, right, so like that's kind of a big deal right to talk about it and um, and then realize, like you know, it's so simple when you're not in, it's easy for me to be like you know, telling somebody who's on a roller coaster, like, don't be scared, but like I'm here, I'm chilling, you know. So, like, what you're going through is, uh, it's called ptsd for a reason. Um, you know, you wear it every day until day until you are able to process through it and detach from that trauma response. You know, I find it very hard to believe that you're the one and only person who was hazed in the military to the extent of you know the chain reaction of, like a continuation of trauma outside of your military life. Now, yeah, knowing everything you know now and being able to talk about it, what is what would you say to somebody who might be going through something like this? You know, what would your? What advice would you give them?
Anonymous:
58:36 Definitely don't wait too long, because, because you'll lose those moments. I could have waited way longer to go get help. And just be honest, because part of me, even when I did this new thing, I even remember saying I started this thinking I'm just going to go through the most because we got to an ultimatum I think I got, there was a bunch of people telling me go see somebody, go go see somebody, go see something. And so I did, but I was like, let me just get through this and then be like normal, like that's crazy. I was already plotting like my escape from prison you know what I mean.
Anonymous:
59:12 And, um, I just kept ghost go go find, you know, you know. Finally I was like, okay, I will, you know. And then I actually uh went to some retreats and I was like, dude, this is just nuts Like, but that in itself, like I think that was the one where I was like you're wasting money, bro, like you're paying for this and uh, yeah, some more stuff just got realer, like more you know, more obvious that I needed to, to buy into whatever it is, get on the road to recovery, to, yeah, to being uh helped yeah a lot of it is uh, when you're damaged, you're not really living.
Anonymous:
59:50 I mean, it's also cliche, but it's true. You're in a dark place.
Rocky:
59:53 You want to be dark, you want to be like yeah in walls that you know can't hurt you right you almost rather be trapped in the rhythm of every day than to be actually present and feeling which is yeah, you're over here, here in like helicopters and stuff which problem with connecting with your kid. Yeah, right Because it's hard to be present when your present sucks so bad.
Vic:
1:00:26 Yeah. Do you ever feel like you're like? Why are y'all so happy? Do you ever wonder, does people's happiness bother you? Sometimes Because you feel like we're not in a state of happiness right now. Why are y'all so happy?
Anonymous:
1:00:38 No, I mean similar. I'm just very aware of when we're not Like this is you woke up screaming at the kid Like it's now lunch? You're still screaming at the kid, it's like it's now dinner. He's up in his room and he's just screaming Like because he in my head, you know little things that I just don't have a tolerance for and I'm like man okay, well, what can you do now? Okay, I'll go upstairs and I'll lay with them and I'll tell them I apologize and I'll say you know that I'm working on myself, which I am and you know. So I mean, they have it happen, they're living in trouble, but it doesn't have to be the same thing.
Rocky:
1:01:17 No, yeah, but no when I go past that line.
Anonymous:
1:01:22 Yeah, go make contact with them, because God knows what they're thinking in their head. Why is that so? I mean?
Rocky:
1:01:26 obviously I don't think any of us had that. When there was an adult that went past a line, there was no. Hey look, man. Man, that was more about me than you, you know, and you know I as a kid, that never, you know, occurred to me.
Anonymous:
1:01:46 Yeah, but um, but yeah, you just were affected by what they just said to you and did to you. You know, like man, this guy's so angry that I'm not brushing my teeth you have to internalize that that and just make that about you, and that's what I don't want for my children.
Rocky:
1:02:03 So I completely understand that, yeah.
Anonymous:
1:02:06 So, knowing how dangerous you can be if you're not aware of the people you may be hurting, and the way that you start seeing behaviors in the family that are like well, where did they learn that from?
Soul Sesh:
1:02:19 Well?
Anonymous:
1:02:19 probably because I can't resolve conflicts without screaming. Right, you know I'm an angry little elf, but he's just made me aware and he's put it into perspective, or allowed me to put it into perspective, to where I know I have to make good decisions. My decisions won't just affect me, they're going to affect my family, and so I'm going to rub off on them. So better rub, you know, show them the good sides of you. And I did, I do, and I don't think I would have gotten to this doing if I wouldn't be aware of the don'ting.
Anonymous:
1:02:58 you know the things I shouldn't do. Right, I'm way more aware of this stuff. I know I should. Okay, let's focus more on this stuff.
Vic:
1:03:06 Thank you for listening to this episode of this is Hard. We want to thank our guest for participating in our show and we want to express our deepest appreciation to our listeners. If you or someone you know would like to be on our show, please contact us on our social media.
Rocky:
1:03:28 If you're struggling with anything we talked about today, please go to our show notes. We have resources and people that are willing to listen and willing to help.
Vic:
1:03:35 This has been a Rocky and Big production. Say something.
Soul Sesh:
1:03:40 Rocky.
