Ep181: A Practical Guide to College Homesickness and What Helps

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Hey there, friend.
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Welcome again to Things to Learn in Therapy.
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I'm your host, Dr.
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Beth Tremell, and I am sharing the second part of the conversation with my daughter Maya.
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She is preparing to go to college.
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And in this episode, we talk about homesickness.
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But not only homesickness as kind of this idea of just missing your family or wanting to come home, because really homesickness might look like exhaustion.
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Sometimes it's loneliness, insecurity, exclusion, overwhelm, or simply just being uncomfortable, being someplace new.
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And so we walk through this practical process for naming what you're feeling, noticing how intense that feeling is, and asking the question that many of us struggle to answer.
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And that is, what do I actually need right now?
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We talk about uh what students may need from their parents in those difficult moments and why parents are allowed to have feelings about that transition too.
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Have a good time listening.
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Enjoy.
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Okay, so let's talk about homesickness again.
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Okay.
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We kind of started talking about this a little bit, and I started, I read listened to our episode from last week, and I started thinking about like trying to find clarity for the both of us about what we want the other person to do.
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If you're feeling really homesick or really sad, and you're like, I just need you to what?
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Um, I don't know because I think I said last time, like, I want you to like come visit or something, like if I'm feeling sad, but then I also like need to be like I feel like I just have to deal with it.
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I need to like get acclimated, and there's no way to do it.
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So probably in the beginning, I would just say, like, you just need to tell me, like, I'm sorry, but this is how it is, like, this is how college is.
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I'm probably gonna say it in like the first two days, so you're just gonna have to be like, you can do this.
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Yeah.
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So part of why I encourage parents and young people to sit down and have this talk now, is so that in that moment in the future, I can bring you back to this.
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In that moment in the future, you're gonna be like perhaps at the height of your emotion.
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You might be really frustrated with things at school, or you might feel insecure, you might feel nervous, it might be day three of your two-a-day practices, and your this practice today might have just not been a great practice.
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That emotion overwhelmed level 10.
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Yeah, I want to be able to have language that you and I both know that says, okay, but remember that day that we were recording, and I know you can do this, and you know you can do this, and this moment is gonna pass.
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Yeah.
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And then I think we also need to have a moment where you say, Yes, I know this is gonna pass, and also I need you to tag in, which might mean, hey, can you come visit and have dinner tomorrow?
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Or hey, can I come home?
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I just really need the comfort of home for just the day.
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I might still encourage us to have that next day happen.
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We're picturing that moment of overwhelmed level 10, right?
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Where you're like, I just need my mom right now, or I just need somebody right now.
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And then if we can figure out how to get you through that moment, then by the next day, I may call you and be like, hey, how are you doing today?
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You still want me to come?
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You may be like, it's fine.
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No, I'm okay now.
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Now, I want to say out loud for folks who might be really struggling, if there's ever a point where you feel unsafe in any way, that is a different conversation.
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If you're feeling unsafe or such a level of despair that you're like, I don't think I can make it through the night, then that's a very different part than what I'm talking about here.
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Because those conversations I think need to happen and need to be clearer between the parent and the child.
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But I think if we're talking about kind of regular homesickness kinds of things, I think we can maybe take a minute and say, okay, what is something you can do right now that might bring you some joy?
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What is something you can do right now that'll bring you rest?
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What do you think you need?
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I think that's going to be a question I'm going to ask you a lot is thinking about what you actually need right now.
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Do you need comfort?
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Do you need rest?
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Do you need space?
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Do you need energy?
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I think the sooner young people can learn that.
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I still have people in my therapy office sometimes that are 40 or 50 or 60 years old and they're like, I don't actually know what I need.
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And so I think when you're feeling those emotional states and when you're feeling those, you're having those moments, I think my question for you is going to be, what do you think you need?
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Yeah.
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And so if I fast forward you to that moment, right?
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You were looking at your schedule, she turned around her calendar and it was just like filled with things, you know, it was like team lunch and you know, practice and then lifting and all these things, right?
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Which all are good.
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Yeah, all very good.
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So fast forward to day four of that.
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Okay.
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And let's say you're still working out the mattress.
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Oh, yeah.
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Maybe it's a new situation.
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Maybe there was a, you know, people on campus late at night, they woke you up in the middle of the night, had trouble going back to sleep, picturing it.
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Uh-huh.
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So it's 11 o'clock at night, because usually emotions are harder at night, less hard in the morning, darkness at the nighttime.
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Okay.
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What are you feeling?
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If you just sort of picture that in your mind.
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Probably like I just think being tired also just makes everything terrible.
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Like, just like emphasizes if you're feeling sad or homesick or like angry, it just like makes it all worse.
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So I'd probably be really tired physically and mentally because of all of what's going on in my head, also.
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Um sorry, asking like what I would need in that moment.
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Well, I'm going to, but first I want to know, like, let's just put a number to it, right?
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So you're like, I'm a physical tired level probably physically level A, I'd say.
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Okay.
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And a mental tired level six.
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Level six.
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If I hadn't slept, probably like seven or eight.
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Maybe not eight, probably like six or seven.
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Okay.
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We're up there.
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What other things are you feeling besides tired?
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Um, probably like, how am I gonna do this?
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How am I gonna keep on?
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So, like doubtful.
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Yeah, that's a great word.
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Doubtful level uh like five.
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Okay, I don't know.
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I think it'll be hard being a freshman again and not having done all this stuff.
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It's not doubtful, but maybe like not embarrassed, but like something like that.
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I'm not as good as everyone, like I'm not as prepared as everyone, like like insecure, yeah.
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That's good.
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Insecure, maybe insecure level, like five, two.
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Uh-huh.
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Okay, so you have all these emotions, pull up on your device the feelings wheel.
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OMG.
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OMG.
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I know she loves this.
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I talk about the feelings wheel a lot, actually, because the feelings wheel gives you like just pull up one of those images.
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If you zoom in, it starts to show some words that you're like, oh, there's the word I was looking for.
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So I gave you the word insecure, and you were like, Yes.
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When you think about that moment, are there other things that you're like, I might be feeling?
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I mean, overwhelmed, definitely.
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Yeah.
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Maybe excluded.
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Sure.
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Just because new people, team that's already been together.
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Yeah.
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Um, maybe like this one, it's it says helpless.
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I feel like that's a little dramatic.
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Not having my mom is like, I feel a little bit helpless.
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Yeah.
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Okay, I love this.
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And I think sometimes when we're not used to talking about emotions, I don't know, that feels like that feels like a lot, but that does feel kind of true to what it is, you know.
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I just think we're not used to it.
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So, okay, we're gonna pick two of those words, right?
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And then we're gonna apply this kind of framework.
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And this is taking all of this is gonna happen much faster.
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The more practice you get at it, it'll happen faster.
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But I think to walk through this process, this is what I would do for people who came to see me in therapy.
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I'd say, okay, well, get out the feelings we all and tell me what it is.
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Like you are the only person who knows.
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I can hear your words and kind of apply something like insecure, but you're the only one who kind of really knows what those words mean.
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So let's say you're coming home from practice and you're an insecure level eight.
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What would you need to address the insecurity?
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Um from you or just like in general.
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Yeah.
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I think from me is obviously an important part of our relationship.
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But also it's if I'm in a meeting or something or I can't answer the phone or I can't be there, what just at the heart of like when you're feeling insecure, what is it that you feel like you need?
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Well, I feel like if I was insecure, I would just need like reminders of what is really true.
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Yeah.
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But also I think uh bottom line, I would just need time until the next day when I feel better.
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Yeah.
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Well, I think this is beautiful that you already know this about yourself.
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I kind of need some reminders.
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And so if you're like, hey, I am just not feeling well, I'm not feeling super confident right now, I could just use a couple of reminders.
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Or if those external reminders aren't available to you, like you couldn't call me or you couldn't call dad or you couldn't call, you know, a friend or somebody who knows you and loves you, maybe your next statement to you is, I know these things about myself are true.
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And I also know that I just need time.
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And so when there are situations where you just need time, then your next best step is redirection.
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Yeah.
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So it's like you sitting in your room and stewing about practice.
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Yeah, that's true.
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It's gonna be the opposite of what you need.
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So maybe that's going out and taking a walk and putting your AirPods in and putting on music that you really like, just redirecting out of that mindset.
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Yeah, right?
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That is true.
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Because I tend to do that sometimes.
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Like when I feel sad, I just like could probably avoid feeling sad if I were just like get up.
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Yeah.
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But sulk in it a little bit.
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And I don't, I don't want to avoid every negative feeling, but I also know that during transition times in life when there's already a lot going on, it is a lot to ask.
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To be like, well, just sit in your sadness and feel it, you know.
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It's like, well, you gotta sit in sadness, you gotta sit with a roommate, you gotta transition into all these new colleges and classes.
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And it, I mean, it's that's a lot to kind of sit in.
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I don't want you to just avoid all negative feelings, but I think you also learn to be like, that really sucked, and feeling insecure sucks.
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And also, what am I gonna do about it?
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And what is this insecurity real or is this just my like perception right now?
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If it's like, yeah, you're not playing well, then what do you need then?
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Probably if I'm really just not playing well, then I feel like I could accept that.
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Like, if I seriously was like, if I'm like, she's better than me, then I'm just like, I just need to work harder.
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Yeah, I just know that.
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Yeah, I just need to work harder, right?
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Like, if I'm not playing well, I just need to work harder.
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If I'm just having this moment of insecurity, but it it actually wasn't related to my performance, then this is a mental part.
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Yeah.
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So I think that might be another thing to think through is, you know, is this actually physically something that matters, or is this more just like I am like my anxiety, my homesickness, my emotion is just sort of taking over?
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Yeah.
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Okay, so that's insecurity.
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Let's say you're talking and you're like, I am physically tired, level eight, and I say, What do you think you need?
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Sleep, probably.
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I mean, we're saying these things out loud, and it's like this feels obvious, but I'm like, this is at the heart of like quote self-care.
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Right?
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People are like, hashtag self-care.
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I'm gonna go get ice cream and have my yeah, it's like you're not actually paying attention to what you need.
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Self-care is like, what do you need?
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Yeah, and if you're not slowing down to think about how am I feeling, you're not gonna be able to address the need.
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So if you're feeling excluded, level six, what do you need?
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To be with people.
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I want to feel connected, right?
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Exactly, right?
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So I think it starts with having this awareness of saying, this is how I'm feeling.
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And so what is it that I need right now?
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And so, you know, if that means reaching out to a friend, and it doesn't have to be people on the team, it can just be, I just want to be connected to someone.
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I don't want to feel alone, I don't want to feel lonely.
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And so I think as you're starting to think about what some of these situations are that are gonna tie into your homesickness, it's not just I miss my family.
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Some of it is I'm uncomfortable.
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Yeah.
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And there's a lot of reasons why you are.
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I just think sometimes people think homesickness is always just I miss home, but there are people that don't like to be at home who get homesick.
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Yeah.
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So I talked about this with Coach Bloom one time.
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She was like, I grew up in Muncie and then I went to Bowl State and I was homesick.
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And it's like you are home, but it's like not the same.
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Yeah.
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I've that's always stuff like me.
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Like homesickness is just like being somewhere different.
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Being somewhere different, experiencing something different, right?
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Homesickness can come in a lot of different changes.
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And so I just think thinking more broadly that it's not just oh, I'm feeling homesick, so I should go home.
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Yeah.
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I'm feeling homesick, what are the feelings?
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And then what do I need?
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Okay, good.
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So my question for you is what do you want me to do when I feel sad?
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Just call me.
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I know.
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Is that gonna make you more sad though?
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No, if it'll make you feel better, then probably it won't make you more sad because I'll be like, this is helping her.
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Yeah.
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It's so interesting because, and I say this, you know, as she and I have talked about some things like this, but I think sometimes as parents, we forget that as our kids are getting older, that it matters to them to know that we have feelings too.
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Yeah, I don't want to vomit all of my feelings onto you, but I think sometimes it's okay to be like, I'm just sad you're not here.
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I just miss you being here.
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And I think sometimes allowing your child to love you through some of that, to support you through some of that, might also remind them that parents aren't perfect either.
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Yeah.
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This is reminding me of um like the whole thing with your legs when you were like, I don't want to tell you this because it feels like I don't want to burden you or whatever.
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I don't know if that's what you thought, but that's what I thought you thought.
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When really I think that it helped you that like I didn't do anything, but like just that I knew, and I was just like, Yeah, that actually sucks.
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In this situation, you'd probably be like, I miss you, and I wish you were here, and I'd be like, Yeah, same.
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And that probably is just like all we can do, but that might make you feel better.
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I mean, I think it will, and I think that that is an interesting part of what you know, going through chronic illness for you know, 10 or 12 years or something, felt like forever.
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Um, it really taught me a lot.
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I mean, it taught me a lot in a lot of ways, but that was one way I was kind of raised in a family where we didn't want to burden people.
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And it felt like I didn't want to burden people with like kind of my daily suffering.
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And I think it is one thing that you taught me of the thing that I preach to other people, right?
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That like at least you don't have to suffer alone.
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Yeah, is the very thing that I like needed this experience to learn on my own.
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And so I think in some ways that might be kind of a parallel to what we're talking about here.
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Yeah.
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All right.
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So homesickness does not always mean that you need to go home.
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It may mean you need sleep, comfort, reassurance, connection, space, or simply enough time for an intense moment to pass.
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The more accurately we can name what we are feeling, the more clearly we can identify what might actually help.
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And sometimes sharing our sadness with the people who love us doesn't actually bring them.
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It simply means that we don't have to carry it alone.
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In the next part of our conversation, mine I talk about friendship changes, the guilt that can come with building a new life and some practical ways to prepare for the academic side of college.
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Until next time, friends, stay safe, stay well, and ciao.