From Charm to Harm: Can you spot a toxic relationship?

WEBVTT
00:00:00.140 --> 00:00:01.788
How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship?
00:00:01.788 --> 00:00:08.846
Seems like an easy question, but this could be a romantic relationship, a parent, a child, a coworker or even a friend.
00:00:08.846 --> 00:00:19.411
On this episode of the Unscripted Mind, we're going to explore the patterns of these relationships, the tactics that are used and why these relationships are so hard to get out of and stay out of.
00:00:19.411 --> 00:00:23.670
What are the warning signs to let you know that you're not the crazy one?
00:00:23.670 --> 00:00:25.106
Stick around.
00:00:25.106 --> 00:00:41.828
Welcome to the Unscripted Mind, where our goal is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, increase your awareness and have better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
00:00:41.828 --> 00:00:43.451
I'm Jim Cunningham.
00:00:43.451 --> 00:00:50.533
I'm a licensed professional counselor, and today we're discussing some of the telltale signs you might be in a toxic relationship.
00:00:51.301 --> 00:01:08.844
Now, people have used the terms to describe these kinds of relationships in a lot of different ways and these kinds of folks as narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, abusive, mean, manipulative, but for our purposes here today, I'll use the generic term toxic, because we're not trying to diagnose somebody.
00:01:08.844 --> 00:01:11.031
It really doesn't matter what you call it.
00:01:11.031 --> 00:01:18.322
At the end of the day, it's about the signs, the patterns and the behaviors and what this type of environment does to people.
00:01:18.322 --> 00:01:22.570
Now, why do people fail to see these tactics in real time?
00:01:22.570 --> 00:01:25.966
I would say that most of us look for the best in other people.
00:01:25.966 --> 00:01:37.007
We expect the best, we assume that and often project our own values in other people, and by that I mean I expect other people to do the things I would do or treat other people the way I would treat them.
00:01:37.007 --> 00:01:46.210
But when you're dealing with a toxic person, it's almost impossible to anticipate the things they will do, because they are not coming at it from the same perspective as you are.
00:01:46.210 --> 00:01:47.941
Now.
00:01:47.941 --> 00:01:51.730
I'll also say that I know a lot of people throw around the terms like narcissist and toxic.
00:01:51.730 --> 00:01:56.572
These days it's kind of a catchphrase, almost, and there's a lot of jokes out there about it.
00:01:56.572 --> 00:02:00.691
But if you've ever been in one of these relationships, you know it's anything but funny.
00:02:00.691 --> 00:02:04.870
It tends to be very cruel and has very negative impacts on people.
00:02:04.870 --> 00:02:22.967
If you've never been in one of these relationships, though much of this might sound very foreign to you or you might even have a hard time believing this can actually be true those that have been in these relationships know very well that these people do exist and that it can be a very, very difficult thing to deal with.
00:02:22.967 --> 00:02:42.546
So when I see clients come to my office, most of them are feeling angry, anxious, and they tend to have the negative self-belief that they're not good enough, and the more they talk, the more it seems apparent to me I often say things like you know, I'm not sure this is you, I'm not sure this is your problem.
00:02:43.480 --> 00:02:54.646
Most of these are empathetic and caring people, and dealing with toxic people is probably one of the biggest challenges empaths face, and I discussed this in a previous podcast called the Problem with Empaths.
00:02:54.646 --> 00:02:58.747
I'll leave a link here and put a link up here on the screen or in the description below.
00:02:58.747 --> 00:03:02.281
So what are some of the characteristics of a toxic person?
00:03:02.281 --> 00:03:04.063
Just so we kind of understand what we're dealing with.
00:03:04.063 --> 00:03:08.453
They tend to be very low empathy and have little remorse.
00:03:08.453 --> 00:03:20.067
Now, they may occasionally show remorse or regret, but for them, it's usually part of the game to either keep you off balance or to reel you back into the relationship after a fight or some kind of disagreement.
00:03:20.067 --> 00:03:21.923
How do you know?
00:03:21.923 --> 00:03:25.187
It's not you, though, and so this is the challenge with a lot of empaths.
00:03:25.187 --> 00:03:32.848
They tend to be very self-critical, and so for them, a lot of times, they feel like well, I'm the one getting angry, I'm the one feeling anxious, so it must be me.
00:03:32.848 --> 00:03:42.730
And to try to convince them otherwise and maybe walk them through what these tendencies and patterns look like is very challenging and hard to get people to understand that.
00:03:42.730 --> 00:03:50.372
So this is a hard one for people, to help them see the possibility or the possible reality of their situation.
00:03:52.420 --> 00:03:54.324
So how do you know it's not you?
00:03:54.324 --> 00:03:59.099
First, if you're the one who feels bad and is starting to seek help.
00:03:59.099 --> 00:04:01.343
Toxic people tend to not do that.
00:04:01.343 --> 00:04:13.171
Secondly, if you tend to apologize and make excuses for this other person and their behavior, usually mentioning your own shortcomings and owning maybe more than you should of your own stuff.
00:04:13.171 --> 00:04:22.487
Number three if you try to find reasons not to go home or you don't look forward to going home, that might be a red flag also.
00:04:22.487 --> 00:04:31.351
Number four as the victim, you often are afraid of the toxic person, either their reactions, their criticisms or their other forms of abuse.
00:04:31.351 --> 00:04:39.423
And finally, most importantly, ask yourself do you feel this way around everyone or just this person?
00:04:39.423 --> 00:04:45.444
Do you have good relations everywhere else at work, at the gym but only feel inadequate in this situation?
00:04:45.444 --> 00:04:50.232
Those all might be signs that it's not you that you might be in a toxic relationship.
00:04:50.232 --> 00:04:58.732
So how do toxic relationships often begin, and what are the patterns that usually start a relationship with a toxic person?
00:04:58.732 --> 00:05:09.329
And I say usually because these patterns tend to be pretty consistent across most toxic relationships and it's like these toxic folks have been to the same training.
00:05:09.329 --> 00:05:12.867
It's kind of weird in that way, see if any of these resonate with you.
00:05:13.730 --> 00:05:18.086
So when you first meet a toxic person, you feel an instant connection, a bond.
00:05:18.086 --> 00:05:22.886
Maybe you felt like you've met your soulmate and for some reason you don't find it really creepy.
00:05:22.886 --> 00:05:25.632
There are reasons for this.
00:05:25.632 --> 00:05:28.970
Often, when they meet you, they're gathering information.
00:05:28.970 --> 00:05:34.189
They tell you how much they have in common with you, and on the first few dates you do most of the talking.
00:05:34.189 --> 00:05:39.110
And then they use this thing called mirroring to reflect back what you've told them about yourself.
00:05:39.110 --> 00:05:43.867
You just can't believe how perfect you are for each other because you have so much in common.
00:05:44.380 --> 00:05:47.411
And after a short period of time they start to push for a commitment.
00:05:47.411 --> 00:05:52.151
Now that could look like marriage, living together or some other type of long-term commitment.
00:05:52.151 --> 00:05:59.605
Things may still be very good at this point, but once they have the commitment, many things are going to start to change.
00:05:59.605 --> 00:06:01.987
Number one they're going to start to isolate their target.
00:06:01.987 --> 00:06:10.267
Now, all of a sudden, they don't like your friends, your family, maybe they decide to move you away from your support system, your link to sanity.
00:06:11.290 --> 00:06:14.475
These relationships are like eating a cheesecake, like a whole cheesecake.
00:06:14.475 --> 00:06:21.781
It tastes amazing at first, but then starts to make you a little sick at your stomach after a while.
00:06:21.781 --> 00:06:24.444
Next, they start chipping away at your self-esteem, how you feel about yourself.
00:06:24.444 --> 00:06:30.211
This often leads to a sense of dependency on this person financially, emotionally and other ways.
00:06:30.211 --> 00:06:34.975
At this point it's almost like you're in a cult because you can be controlled.
00:06:34.975 --> 00:06:48.725
These tactics are very similar to what?
00:06:48.725 --> 00:06:52.533
And deprivation to control people, authoritarianism.
00:06:52.533 --> 00:06:56.250
Cult leaders often exercise absolute authoritarianism.
00:06:56.250 --> 00:06:58.326
They don't like being challenged.
00:06:59.480 --> 00:07:04.452
So now the victim is cut off and this toxic person becomes the center of the victim's life.
00:07:04.452 --> 00:07:06.788
Usually, the victim doesn't off and this toxic person becomes the center of the victim's life.
00:07:06.788 --> 00:07:07.692
Usually the victim doesn't even realize this.
00:07:07.692 --> 00:07:13.711
They just know that they feel very bad about themselves and they react in ways that are not characteristic of them.
00:07:13.711 --> 00:07:18.129
They might get increasingly more anxious, more increasingly angry, more depressed.
00:07:18.129 --> 00:07:26.548
Feelings of hopelessness start creeping into the picture and they get more and more angry and they start to show that, and then, of course, they beat themselves up for all these emotions.
00:07:26.548 --> 00:07:35.988
Finally, after trying to be all that they can be and failing over and over again, most can only come to the same conclusion that they are not good enough.
00:07:35.988 --> 00:07:38.033
Not the toxic person, but themselves.
00:07:38.033 --> 00:07:47.644
It's the irony of all ironies that the toxic person is given a pass and the victim not only protects the toxic person, but then also blames themselves.
00:07:47.644 --> 00:07:59.459
Someone once told me how hard they worked to try to please their toxic person, and they said you know, what really struck them is that the only thing that was ever reflected back to them was failure.
00:08:01.086 --> 00:08:03.615
So what are some of the tactics that toxic people use?
00:08:03.615 --> 00:08:12.240
It's important to see these because let me first say that if you want to change somebody's behavior, you don't have to give them a treat every time they pull the lever.
00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:13.266
In fact, it's better.
00:08:13.266 --> 00:08:16.632
If you don't, you want to randomly reward people.
00:08:16.632 --> 00:08:21.954
Randomized rewards are also known as variable ratio reinforcement.
00:08:21.954 --> 00:08:26.829
This is where the reward is given after an unpredictable number of responses or behaviors.
00:08:26.829 --> 00:08:29.841
This creates a high and steady rate of responding.
00:08:29.841 --> 00:08:33.826
Because the reward is unpredictable, you don't know when you're going to get it.
00:08:33.826 --> 00:08:41.870
This is why slot machines and casinos are so effective because they operate on a variable ratio schedule.
00:08:41.870 --> 00:08:44.559
Players don't know when they're going to get rewarded.
00:08:44.559 --> 00:08:51.817
They don't know how many times they need to play before they win, so they continue playing in anticipation of the reward.
00:08:53.184 --> 00:08:55.011
Toxic relationships are the same in many ways.
00:08:55.011 --> 00:09:12.937
In a toxic relationship, you get conditioned for mediocre treatment or bad treatment, but every once in a while, every once in a while, the machine hits and you get paid off and that could look like attention, affection, sex, gifts, a trip, and you know what it feels amazing.
00:09:12.937 --> 00:09:14.379
It's dopamine.
00:09:14.379 --> 00:09:20.457
And you get your hopes up every time one of these positive rewards happen.
00:09:20.457 --> 00:09:25.416
So you go back to playing the machine and guess what?
00:09:25.416 --> 00:09:26.750
It goes back to poor treatment.
00:09:26.750 --> 00:09:34.788
It doesn't stay that way and, just like the slot machine, you go back to working harder and harder to get that next reward from this person.
00:09:34.788 --> 00:09:40.350
You don't know when it's going to happen, but you know it'll happen, eventually, probably.
00:09:40.350 --> 00:09:48.816
So you work and you work and you work for the next dopamine hit and what this means practically is it looks like an addiction.
00:09:48.816 --> 00:10:00.831
I believe this is why these relationships are so hard to get out of and many sources say that on average, it takes seven times leaving a toxic relationships to actually stay out of it seven times.
00:10:00.831 --> 00:10:08.331
So it's really weird that a lot of people who are getting out of these are trying to get out of these types of relationships.
00:10:09.134 --> 00:10:10.136
We don't like this person.
00:10:10.136 --> 00:10:13.029
They don't like this person, but they want to please them.
00:10:13.029 --> 00:10:16.437
Maybe they feel like they should shoot them a text and say, hey, I just want to see how they're doing.
00:10:16.437 --> 00:10:17.178
They would like that.
00:10:17.178 --> 00:10:19.673
It's very strange and very counterintuitive.
00:10:19.673 --> 00:10:35.270
So what are some of these specific things that that toxic people do that really start to get into the DNA, that start chipping away your self-esteem, your happiness, and start controlling you more and more?
00:10:36.105 --> 00:10:38.312
Number one manufactured emotions.
00:10:38.312 --> 00:10:39.495
This is important.
00:10:39.495 --> 00:10:43.576
Often they will do something that will trigger you to elicit an emotion.
00:10:43.576 --> 00:10:48.496
It could be lying to you, flirting with someone else, breaking an agreement, whatever, it doesn't really matter.
00:10:48.496 --> 00:10:58.331
Then you react angrily, justifiably so, but that person focuses on your reaction and completely overlooks what made you angry.
00:10:58.331 --> 00:11:02.538
See how you are, see how you get In seconds.
00:11:02.538 --> 00:11:06.316
All of a sudden you're on the defensive and you have no idea how you got there.
00:11:06.316 --> 00:11:07.990
They flip it around very quickly.
00:11:07.990 --> 00:11:15.413
So a lot of manufactured emotions can really drive and start chipping away at that self-esteem and self-confidence.
00:11:16.785 --> 00:11:18.413
They lie and they make excuses.
00:11:18.413 --> 00:11:23.616
There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don't require excuses.
00:11:23.616 --> 00:11:31.437
Everyone messes up now and then, but the toxic person's actions never match their words and their lies disappoint you so frequently.
00:11:31.437 --> 00:11:34.727
You actually feel relieved when they do something halfway decent.
00:11:34.727 --> 00:11:38.977
They've conditioned you to become grateful for that mediocre treatment.
00:11:38.977 --> 00:11:42.850
Number three is that they're always the eternal victim.
00:11:42.850 --> 00:11:44.936
They will always blame others.
00:11:44.936 --> 00:11:46.626
Nothing is ever their fault.
00:11:46.626 --> 00:11:50.697
Now they may cry abuse, but in the end you're the only one that's being abused.
00:11:50.697 --> 00:11:55.796
You will end up feeling bad for them when they've done something horribly wrong.
00:11:55.796 --> 00:12:08.052
You will instead use it as an opportunity to bond with them over the supposed complex feelings and once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere, everything goes back to the way it was.
00:12:08.052 --> 00:12:09.456
It was just temporary.
00:12:09.456 --> 00:12:15.837
Remember, being the victim or playing the victim means never having to say you're sorry.
00:12:17.767 --> 00:12:20.115
They also use a condescending and patronizing tone.
00:12:20.115 --> 00:12:25.736
Toxic people often try to make you unhinged and attempt to gain the upper hand.
00:12:25.736 --> 00:12:28.614
They might smirk when you try to express yourself.
00:12:28.614 --> 00:12:31.232
Teasing becomes a primary mode of communication.
00:12:31.232 --> 00:12:40.048
Subtly, they will belittle your intelligence, your physical features, your achievements and if you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.
00:12:40.048 --> 00:12:43.755
Number five is hypocrisy.
00:12:43.755 --> 00:12:51.427
You know, in heated arguments, toxic people have no shame and will often start labeling you with their own flaws because they're seeking a reaction.
00:12:51.427 --> 00:12:56.730
The point is to lure you in so that you react and seem crazy to onlookers.
00:12:56.730 --> 00:13:01.788
They also have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, adoration.
00:13:01.788 --> 00:13:14.549
Now they will give none of this back to you, unless it's maybe during a short love bombing period, but generally they're going to lie, cheat, insult and degrade, but you are expected to remain perfect.
00:13:16.407 --> 00:13:40.404
Number six is gaslighting, and gaslighting is a very effective psychological manipulation, usually done over an extended period of time, that causes you to question the validity of your own thoughts and perceptions of reality or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional and mental stability and the dependency on the perpetrator, according to Merriam-Webster.
00:13:40.404 --> 00:13:54.013
For example, lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof, or insisting that an event or behavior you saw actually never happened and that you're remembering it all wrong.
00:13:54.013 --> 00:14:00.095
Number seven you feel the need to explain basic human emotions to them.
00:14:00.095 --> 00:14:07.067
You'll find yourself attempting to explain emotions like empathy and kindness, things that most of us learned in kindergarten.
00:14:07.067 --> 00:14:10.677
You think that if they understand why you're hurt, they'll stop hurting you.
00:14:10.677 --> 00:14:11.177
But they won't.
00:14:11.177 --> 00:14:12.504
They wouldn't have done it in the first place if they weren't you're hurt.
00:14:12.504 --> 00:14:13.219
They'll stop hurting you, but they won't.
00:14:13.219 --> 00:14:17.615
They wouldn't have done it in the first place if they weren't toxic or a decent human being.
00:14:17.615 --> 00:14:25.875
The worst part is they pretend to be decent when you first meet them, they suck you in with this sweetness, this caring persona, and then it all changes.
00:14:27.503 --> 00:14:29.570
Number eight you find yourself playing detective.
00:14:29.570 --> 00:14:33.083
It's never happened in any other relationship you've been in.
00:14:33.083 --> 00:14:40.576
But suddenly you're scrolling back on their social media looking for answers to a feeling you can't quite explain.
00:14:40.576 --> 00:14:44.870
The gut knows what the gut knows, and sometimes we don't listen to it carefully enough.
00:14:44.870 --> 00:14:49.410
Number nine they focus on your mistakes and ignore their own.
00:14:49.410 --> 00:14:55.452
If you're two hours late, don't forget you were once five minutes late on your first date.
00:14:55.452 --> 00:15:03.551
If you point out their mistakes, they will be quick to turn the conversation back on you and again get you back in defensive mode in very quick, short order.
00:15:03.551 --> 00:15:08.571
And finally, number 10, you fear that any fight could be your last.
00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:19.292
Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but toxic people make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially the ones regarding their behavior.
00:15:19.292 --> 00:15:22.466
Now, are they actually going to end the relationship?
00:15:22.466 --> 00:15:27.509
You wish that would make things so much easier for you, but not so fast.
00:15:27.509 --> 00:15:29.461
Honestly, they have it too good to leave.
00:15:29.461 --> 00:15:30.982
Not so fast, honestly, they have it too good to leave.
00:15:30.982 --> 00:15:36.948
Instead, out of fear, you apologize and you quickly forgive them so we can move on.
00:15:38.250 --> 00:15:40.432
Here's a couple other quick points about toxic people.
00:15:40.432 --> 00:15:44.616
You feel an edge around this person, but you still want them to like you.
00:15:44.616 --> 00:15:54.500
In fact, you'll likely write off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive.
00:15:54.500 --> 00:15:57.024
They withhold attention and affection and undermine your self-esteem.
00:15:57.024 --> 00:15:59.149
You're the only one who sees their true colors.
00:15:59.149 --> 00:16:05.876
A lot of times, if you live with this person, they can be horrible to you and everybody else thinks they are the most wonderful person in the world.
00:16:05.876 --> 00:16:09.289
They have that great persona and they can switch that around very effectively.
00:16:09.289 --> 00:16:17.991
They can't put themselves in your shoes, or anybody else's for that matter, and then they do this thing called circular conversations.
00:16:17.991 --> 00:16:23.731
You'll think you've worked something out, only to be discussing it again and again in two minutes.
00:16:23.731 --> 00:16:36.761
It's as if you never said a word the first time around, and then they begin reciting all of the same old, tired stuff that you've heard before, ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have, and if something's going to be resolved, it's going to be on their terms.
00:16:37.503 --> 00:16:41.513
With toxic people, the same issues are going to come up over and over again.
00:16:41.513 --> 00:16:51.754
So what you find in normal loving people and relationships that they don't raise a lot of these red flags if any, after an encounter with a toxic person raise a lot of these red flags, if any.
00:16:51.754 --> 00:16:58.500
After an encounter with a toxic person, though, a lot of these survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance who can I trust?
00:16:58.500 --> 00:16:59.703
Can I trust myself?
00:16:59.703 --> 00:17:01.408
Can I even trust my own judgment anymore?
00:17:01.408 --> 00:17:09.564
And so their pendulum is going to swing back and forth for a while, just trying to understand and kind of come to terms with what they've dealt with and how they've been treated.
00:17:10.746 --> 00:17:17.227
So, if you think you might be in a toxic relationship, here are some questions you need to ask yourself as kind of a sanity check.
00:17:17.227 --> 00:17:20.890
Number one how do you feel when you're around this person?
00:17:20.890 --> 00:17:25.671
Number two how do you feel when you just think about being around this person?
00:17:25.671 --> 00:17:30.570
Number three does this person give you energy or take it from you?
00:17:30.570 --> 00:17:33.006
Do you trust this person?
00:17:33.006 --> 00:17:39.349
Does this person violate your boundaries and how often does this person lie to you?
00:17:40.844 --> 00:17:42.359
Who holds the power in the relationship?
00:17:42.359 --> 00:17:46.571
Is it balanced, as in most healthy relationships, or do they have most of the power?
00:17:46.571 --> 00:17:50.048
Who does all the apologizing in the relationship?
00:17:50.048 --> 00:17:56.567
Who's putting in most of the effort in the relationship and taking the initiative to make sure it's good?
00:17:56.567 --> 00:17:58.547
Is it you or someone else?
00:17:58.547 --> 00:18:04.184
Do you have to change yourself around this person and if you do, is it for you or for them?
00:18:04.184 --> 00:18:10.692
Are you afraid of this person emotionally or financially or physically?
00:18:10.692 --> 00:18:23.173
The amazing thing about these patterns of behavior is that it's like most of these toxic people have all been to the same training because they do many of the exact same tactics and manipulations.
00:18:23.173 --> 00:18:29.133
But once you can start to see them for what they are, finally you can start to see through them.
00:18:30.661 --> 00:18:36.980
On the next episode we're going to discuss what do you do if you're a victim of a toxic relationship and then these things are true for you.
00:18:36.980 --> 00:18:38.145
How do you handle that?
00:18:38.145 --> 00:18:47.662
How do you start to counter the gaslighting, the manipulations and the games, and when might it be time to consider maybe creating some separation from that relationship?
00:18:47.662 --> 00:18:51.550
Thanks for checking us out on the unscripted mind today.
00:18:51.550 --> 00:18:55.948
If you found this episode helpful, share it with somebody who might need it Also.
00:18:55.948 --> 00:18:58.883
Please subscribe, follow us and leave a review.
00:18:58.883 --> 00:19:03.500
If you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, please include that also.
00:19:03.500 --> 00:19:14.060
Until next time, remember, life doesn't come with a script, so embrace the unexpected, cherish the unplanned, always stay curious and have an amazing day.
00:19:14.060 --> 00:19:17.471
We'll see you next time on the unscripted mind.