Nectar and Teeth: Red flags & Toxic Love

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Welcome to Skin and Soul. I'm Gwenom Carsley, a transformational body, sex,
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and soul coach. And I'm inviting you on a bold,
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unfiltered journey into the heart of our humanity through the
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lens of Eros. This is where we strip away the shame,
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dive into the unspoken, and embrace the wild, raw truth
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of our desires. Together, we'll crack open the taboo, uncover
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our deepest intimacies, and awaken the pulse of our sexual essence.
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Because real transformation, it's messy, it's thrilling, and it's oh
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so delicious.
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Buckle up, loves.
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Skin and Soul Beyond the Pale starts in three, two, one.
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Let's go. Hello and welcome back. I'm Gwennym. I'm your
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host of Skin and Soul Beyond the Pale. And the
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question I have for you today on the table is,
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why do we keep reaching for the thing that we
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already know can and most likely will hurt us? Every
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love story has a flower in it. His had two. Dr.
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Stephen Paul Edwards was 54. four times divorced, 20 years
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on stage teaching people to build the life of their
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dreams when he texted a woman he'd met online. He'd
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asked her, what's your favorite flower? She responded with a
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bird of paradise and then quickly followed with Venus flytrap.
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His book, The Venus Flytrap, Sex, Lies and Repercussions, book
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one of his memoirs, tells the tale.
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Dr.
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Steven is an international speaker, author and PhD in spiritual counseling.
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whose memoirs are true stories filled with red flags, obsession, sex, chaos,
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and a relationship he knew was dangerous, but kept returning
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to anyway. It is also the same woman he still
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calls the love of his life.
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Stephen, welcome.
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Welcome to Skin and Soul.
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I appreciate that. One little correction, which is funny, right?
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So I asked her what her favorite flower was, right?
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And she said, we're at a paradise, right? And I
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joked with her, right? So first of all, it is
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my favorite flower, right? So I just said, oh, no,
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no way, mine too. And then I said, jokingly, I said,
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it's a bit expensive, though. So what's your second favorite? Now,
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who asked somebody that? Nobody asked someone, you know, woman
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tells you what your favorite flower is. That's the end
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of it, right? For some reason, I said, yeah, it's
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a bit expensive, though. So what's your second favorite? That's
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when she said Venus flytrap.
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Which I think is a more costly flower, wouldn't you say?
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Yeah, I don't know. They're both expensive. But the point is,
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what are the chances that I would ask her that?
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What are the chances, you know? And, you know, I
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tell people, look, people tell you who they are within
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the first few minutes of you meeting them. But we
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just don't want to hit the red flag. Your intuition
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comes up. And of course, when she said Venus flytrap,
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I went, whoa. You know, my intuition, you know, came
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in immediately. But as you just said, you know, very
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often when we get that intuitive bump, we don't listen.
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You know, we justify, right? And I just went, well,
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I like a little bit of danger, right? A little
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bit of danger, which is also, you know, answering your
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other question, into relationships that we know going in can
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be disruptive. And, you know, there's a lot of different reasons. Well,
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part of it is because it's exciting, right? Secondly, because
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we tell ourselves, well, I can deal with it. How
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bad can it be, right? And we don't know that
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until we get in, right? And so there's numerous reasons
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we do that. And I, you know, I was a
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little cocky. I was thinking, how bad can it be, right?
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You know, how difficult could it be? And, you know,
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the book is the story, hilarious story, partly, of me
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getting into that and then not being able to find
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my way out of it, right? the romance side of it,
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but also the lessons I learned as a result of it,
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you know, recognizing that it didn't happen to me. It
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happened for me. And all the circumstances were perfect. As
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you know, the universe creates a perfect situation for you
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eventually to face yourself. And the mirrors that were there
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that allowed me to transcend flaws in my own, not
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that there are still any flaws, but I'm just saying,
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the flaws that caused me to attract that into my life.
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She came into my life because basically I attracted it,
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and I was at the vibrational level where I needed
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to attract that energy into my life so that I
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could go through the healing process, which the healing process
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is not all sweet bows and arrows, right? It can
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be very painful.
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Yeah, and so when you look because you say that
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this is a love story, right? That she's still the
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greatest love of your life. And so when you look
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back and think, what was your definition of love at
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the time?
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Well, you know, obviously, you want to be loved for
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who you are, right? You want to be appreciated. You
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want to be loved. And part of it was that.
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Her condition... caused her to not believe that she was lovable.
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And so my challenge was I loved her, but getting
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her to believe it, right? Because very often people have
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been through traumatic experience. So for example, you know, when
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she was a kid, she was born into tremendous wealth.
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Her father's a billionaire, right? So, but what was he
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focused on? His business and making money. And he was
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very analytic. He was a genius with mathematics and being
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an analyst, right? But what he wasn't good at is
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giving his daughter the emotional support that she needed. And
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so her belief became that men care more about money
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than love. So she felt abandoned, right? Then, you know,
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like a lot of kids do, if they don't get
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love in a positive way, they're going to act out, right?
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So she acted out really, really, you know, seriously to
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the point where, as her father told me, she did
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some terrible things when she was a kid. But she
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was just looking for attention. Even so, you can't say, well,
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you're just looking for attention. That's okay then. So the
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next thing, he puts her in an insane asylum and
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she can't get out. So the perception that she created,
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the belief that she created, if my father can't love me,
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then what man is ever going to love me? All
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my father wanted was to make money. So all men
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care about is making money. Well, I'm smarter than most men,
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which she was. Like I said, her father was a genius.
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So she got those genes. She was incredibly intelligent. So
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she decided that she was going to destroy wealthy men,
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take everything off them to prove that she was smarter,
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that she could be successful. So her father would love her.
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That's a lot, right? And I walk into that. I
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have no idea about any of that, right? But at
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the same time, when I talk about mirrors, so first
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of all, mirrors come in many different forms. You can
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go into a hall of mirrors and they all reflect
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different parts of you, right? So one of the mirrors
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that was a perfect reflection was the fact that I
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was in an asylum when I was 16. I had
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mental illness, right? So there's a perfect mirror that meant
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we had something in common, right? That's just one example, right?
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So we had a lot in common. And, you know,
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she's 5'11 and a bare feet, a former international supermodel.
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We're living in a mansion with a sex room. I mean,
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how bad could it be, right? I mean, there's a
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lot of lore there. You know, the pattern of a
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toxic relationship is the lore, you know, triggering. It is
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the closing. So when I talk about it, I use
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the Venus flytrap as a metaphor for a toxic relationship. Yes.
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So you've got the lure, you're lured into it with
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the beauty.
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The.
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She had tremendous charisma, right? Very intelligent, love intelligence. So
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she had a lot going on for that was perfect
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for me to lure me into a relationship that was
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going to teach me more than I could ever imagine.
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You know, and I say to people, look, I've worked
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with Tony Robbins for years, right? Learned a tremendous amount. Unbelievable.
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It was like a pressure cooker of learning. Worked with
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Robert Kiyosaki on the financial side, all these different people
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that have been incredibly powerful mentors for me. But nothing
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has taught me as much as this relationship with T ended. Now,
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I'm not saying I got it right away. I didn't.
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I was in it, right? I was subjective, right? But after,
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you know, the fallout of this whole thing, right, which
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was intense, I had to, you know, get through the
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consequences of it, right? Losing myself, losing my identity, losing
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my belief and confidence in myself, and then rebuilding myself
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from the ground up. And also figuring out how and
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why it happened so it never happens again, right? So
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I went through this incredible transformation over four years, right?
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Really studying it, learning all the processes, you know, Carl Jung,
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you name it, right? And so now I travel around
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the world telling people how stupid I was at the time,
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how crazy this was and how it destroyed me and
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how I rebuilt myself and how other people can do
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the same thing. If I can do that.
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Well, why do you, and why do you think people
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go back again and again, we use the toxic relationship.
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And I think oftentimes we mix up addiction with love.
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That the drawing in is love itself when I think
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in many ways it can't be any farther from it, right?
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Because where is the love for yourself first? And so
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I think one of my questions for you is what
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in you was drawn to this? Because like you said,
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if we're all mirrors, what in you, was calling this in. Okay,
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so what I said at the beginning.
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Is there are many forms of mirrors, right? Very, very
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different forms of mirrors. And and most people are not
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um trained how to see them right so some people
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will say well you know everything is a mirror but
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i would never physically abuse anybody i would never emotionally
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abuse anybody so how can that possibly be a mirror
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here's why you would never do that to somebody else
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but you allowed it to be done to you. And
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there's the mirror. It's mirroring back to you your self-worth
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and what you believe about yourself, what you believe is
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okay for others to do to you, and what it's okay,
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what you're going to make okay. So we need to
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work on, first of all, helping you understand where these
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patterns came from. Why is that important? Well, because usually
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these come from childhood, not always, right? But 99.99% of
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the time it comes from childhood experiences, usually with your parents,
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but again, not always, right? It can come from abuse
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from relatives or whatever, right? But they're usually formed in
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your childhood and you have no awareness of that. What
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happens is because you're in a confined situation, usually you
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can't speak out about it, right? Either you're not allowed to,
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your parents won't let you, they tell you you're just
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being crazy, you know, you're too set. Whatever it is, right?
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All this is pushed down. But what people don't realize,
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that energy doesn't go away. That anger, that resentment, that
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pain is now held in the cells of your body. Now,
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everything in this entire universe is vibrating energy. It's frequency, right?
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So you have now buried all this negative energy in
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the cells of your body, and it lowers your vibration.
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What you emanate in the world and whatever you emanate
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is what you're going to attract, period. There's nothing you
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can do about that. Going to all the therapy, doing
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all the things that people tell you to do is
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not going to matter one iota. until you release that
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energy from your body now you're emanating a completely different
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vibration a different frequency and Then and only then are
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you going to attract a different type of person in
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your life? I was just talking to a friend of
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mine who also does therapy and He said, you know,
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do you get a lot of people that keep repeating
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the same pattern? I said all the time because there's
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nothing else you can do, you know, and People say,
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I'm not going to date for a year. Well, you're
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wasting your time unless you're going to spend that time
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working on you. Because when you go back into the
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dating pool, what are you going to do? You're going
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to come to me and you're going to say, I
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can't believe this. I just met the same person in
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a different body. Because they've got the same frequency, right?
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Once you've healed those patterns, and I say to people, listen,
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you don't have a relationship problem. You've got a pattern problem.
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All we got to do is figure out where that
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came from and release that energy from the cells of
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your body. And now we can start looking at how
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you can attract the person you really want. And the
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reason that becomes challenging is because people have now formed
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beliefs about the opposite sex, right? All men are, all
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women are, either way, both sides do it, right? And now,
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so now you've got, you're projecting out what we call
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a transparent belief into reality, and you're going to manifest
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that perspective or that expectation of the opposite sex, because
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you're looking through what I call these transparent beliefs. This
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is how you perceive the world, right? So hopefully that
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answers your question.
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It does. I mean, you know, what I find really interesting,
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so in the book, there's a lot of chaos, right?
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It's what I consider, you know, there's a lot of sex.
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It's not for anybody under 18, as you put it.
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Put down the book. It's very graphic and the cycle goes, right?
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Like it shows the cycle repeatedly.
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And that's what I want people to get. It's the
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same thing over and over again. Yes, exactly.
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Yes. And at what point, first of all, in the
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intensity was masquerading as intimacy, right? Because again, I think
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there's like a sense of intimacy where people get confused
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oh this feels so much and so therefore it must
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be intimate and it's really you know what i found
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was two wounds so and you're speaking to it right
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two wounds very strong wounds coming together of unhealed of
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all of that unhealed wound coming together and creating this
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explosion yeah and you do things in the book which
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i find is interesting where you um you know at
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one point i think you say something like um I
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am going to say, you know, if this, she says, essentially,
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if this is all I am to you, then pay me.
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And you, you immediately joke about, you know, how much
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money it would save you. And there's that humor in,
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in there. But part of me feels like, you know, the,
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the landing is, is in the relationship. It's the, it's
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the dynamic that has played over and over again. How
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long did it take to be able to, because you
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say I'm crazy. you say like, I must be like,
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I keep going back for more. Like, I know I'm not,
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I'm not getting out of this.
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Yeah.
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What is the thread that kept you there that kept
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the wheel going, even in consciousness? So that's what I'm saying. Like, you,
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you know, people will, you, you talk about releasing it
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out of the body, but I think before it ever
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releases out of the body, there has to be some
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awareness coming to the table, right. You, you know, because
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otherwise you're just blindly going, um, through, like you said,
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you're stuck in pattern, but there's a level of awareness
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and awakening. So what kept, what was the thread that
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kept you hooked to this person? Yeah.
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Okay. So I know you're familiar with trauma bonding and
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love bombing, right? And so what happens is you get
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addicted to that. And it's done intermittently. Initially, it's a
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lot at the very beginning. And then over time, the
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intermittency gets further and further apart. So an example I
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use sometimes, and I just started using this, is imagine
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if every day was Christmas Day. You wouldn't appreciate Christmas.
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You know what I mean? It'd be like, yeah, but
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now because it's a year apart, you can't wait for Christmas.
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You can't wait for that feeling again, right? That you
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get at Christmas time when you're giving gifts or receiving gifts,
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whatever it is. And so, That's an analogy for what's happening.
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You know, every so often you get this incredible amount
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of love and caring, and it's just amazing. Who doesn't
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want that kind of attention, right? And without realizing it,
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and this is where we come back to what you
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were saying at the beginning, chemistry.
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Yeah.
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People misunderstand chemistry or mistake chemistry for love, and it's
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not the same thing, right? So when you say what
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kept me going back, okay, so got to be honest
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and got to be vulnerable. So here's the deal. I
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used to say, right, almost at the end of every chapter,
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and you've probably read this in the book, you know,
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people get to the end of the chapter, you go,
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thank God, he's out of it, right? It's over, right?
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And then the next, the beginning of that chapter is like,
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wait a minute, they're back in again. How does that happen, right?
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She almost just stole his house, stole all his belongings,
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got him put in jail. How can he possibly justify
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going back into this relationship? Well, there's a number of things.
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So first of all, in that particular situation, You know,
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I got her father involved. Her father's a freaking billionaire, right?
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But she'd already told me things about him that caused
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me to doubt him. Does that make sense? Because these
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people are master manipulators. They already cover the exits before
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they even appear, right? They cover everything so that they
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can talk themselves out of situations. You know, you and
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I would never think that way, right? We're not thinking
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like a game of chess with a person in a relationship.
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We just love that person and expect them to love
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us back and so forth. So anyway, so there was
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that going on. So when I called her father and
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he said to me directly, you know, because I called
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him and said, do you know that your daughter's an alcoholic?
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And he goes, oh, yeah, I know. I put her
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in rehab more times than I can remember. He said,
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but she just checks in and then she checks out
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again a few days later. And then he said to me,
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is she in your house right now? Now, I didn't
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know where she was. She'd gone off somewhere. I know
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she was hiding. And I didn't know where. I'm not
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going to tell him that. I'm going to say she's
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in here somewhere, but I don't know where. I said, yeah.
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He said, well, get her out and never let her
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back in again. If you do, you're a fool. So
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now when I brought that up with her, then she
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tells me the story that she'd already told me. My
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father hates me. I found him with his gay lover.
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It caused my mom to divorce him. It cost him
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$ 100 million, right? He's never forgiven me for that. He
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threw me in an asylum, blah, blah, blah. So she
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started to create doubt on his story. Maybe he is
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still angry, which he wasn't because he and I eventually
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became really good friends. So that's number one. They can
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throw shadow on anything anybody says, and it creates doubt
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in your mind. And if you can, you want to
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believe them rather than the person.
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Yes.
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You're in a relationship with them, right? And then I
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would say, you know, as you know, I talk to
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people in the third person, right, in the book. I said,
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you're probably thinking I should have broken up with her, right? Well,
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if I did, you wouldn't be enjoying this incredible story,
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would you? But also, I had to figure out, well,
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if I'm going to stay, why? So I would say, well, look,
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here's the deal. I could break up with her and
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go back to a relatively mediocre, normal life, right? Or
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I could stay living with a former international supermodel who's
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got a sex addict, who's got a sex addiction in
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a mansion with a sex room. I don't know. You
365
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tell me what I should do, right? And so I
366
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stuck in there for those reasons as well as I
367
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loved her personality, right? I was attracted to it. I
368
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was attracted to her confidence. I was attracted to her authenticity,
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even though it was an authentic self. She wasn't that
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nice of a person, but at least she was being
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real and she didn't hide who she was. Like you said,
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in that conversations I had, in that conversation with her
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I had, and I had many, she said, look, you
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knew what you're getting into in the beginning anyway. You
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knew what you were getting. This isn't what you want.
376
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You know what to do. And you go, well, you know,
377
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she's got a point. Nobody made me be in this relationship.
378
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Nobody forced me to be back with her. I'm doing
379
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it because I got something out of it, right? And
380
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in the end, and you learn this in the second book,
381
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the choice was taken out of my hands. But going
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back to what I've now discovered and learned as a
383
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result of going through this and being committed to understanding
384
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these kind of relationships, you really fully understand. It was
385
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the universe putting somebody in your life that you needed.
386
00:21:05.460 --> 00:21:07.880
You needed those experiences. You needed to see them as
387
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a mirror. You need to understand the mirrors, learn from them,
388
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heal them, and then move forward to a better life. Now,
389
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I was blessed in that I'd already had 20 years
390
00:21:17.769 --> 00:21:21.589
of experience in spiritual and personal development, right? So I
391
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had the tools to do that, which most people don't.
392
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And that's why it's become a mission of mine to
393
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help people get through this because people are confused. You know,
394
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and it's not just women, it's men too, right? You're
395
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just confused after it's like, how could this happen to me?
396
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What I learned is, and I know you know this too,
397
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intelligence doesn't protect you from manipulation. If anything, intelligence makes
398
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you more susceptible to narcissistic manipulation. Why? Well, because intelligent people,
399
00:21:56.660 --> 00:21:59.170
they can explain anything away, right? Well, this is why
400
00:21:59.210 --> 00:22:02.019
they did this, or this is why that happened. Or,
401
00:22:03.019 --> 00:22:06.259
They believe in giving people a second, sometimes a third
402
00:22:06.299 --> 00:22:10.559
or a fourth or a fifth chance, right? And they
403
00:22:10.599 --> 00:22:13.380
think they can fix it. And all those things are
404
00:22:13.420 --> 00:22:15.930
part of the trap. Well, yeah.
405
00:22:16.009 --> 00:22:18.829
And looking at, you know, as a spiritual counselor and
406
00:22:18.890 --> 00:22:23.710
having taught so many people, you know, how to live
407
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the life of their dreams. And you said you had
408
00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:30.940
so many tools. And to me, tools are tools, right?
409
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:33.880
They're just they can sit in a bag and not
410
00:22:33.940 --> 00:22:37.789
mean anything. And I think my question is, is, you know,
411
00:22:38.049 --> 00:22:40.630
in terms of because you do say you knew like
412
00:22:40.650 --> 00:22:44.049
that you did have intuition. And I think there's looking at,
413
00:22:44.089 --> 00:22:47.190
you know, being the victim and then taking the accountability
414
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very starkly for I'm going to step into this very crazy,
415
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badly behaved relationship.
416
00:22:57.789 --> 00:23:00.630
Sometimes we're drawn to bad behavior. Do you know what
417
00:23:00.670 --> 00:23:00.950
I mean?
418
00:23:01.049 --> 00:23:01.549
Absolutely.
419
00:23:01.569 --> 00:23:02.529
Sometimes we are. Yeah.
420
00:23:04.109 --> 00:23:06.890
I mean, I can see it, right? It's very seductive.
421
00:23:06.930 --> 00:23:11.150
I think there's a seductive quality around the adventure of it.
422
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:16.380
And I think not to get lost in the next high,
423
00:23:16.920 --> 00:23:18.599
but to be able to go deeper.
424
00:23:19.500 --> 00:23:21.480
But you brought up a really good point earlier, and
425
00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:24.880
I'm going to get to that in a second. But
426
00:23:24.920 --> 00:23:28.460
you can think of people in lots of professions. know
427
00:23:28.539 --> 00:23:30.720
better but do other things right you know i have
428
00:23:30.759 --> 00:23:34.519
a doctor or someone who is a uh an addiction
429
00:23:34.539 --> 00:23:39.859
therapist they get hooked on drugs right it it's nothing
430
00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:42.960
to do with what you know it's to do with
431
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the right that is going to be specific to you
432
00:23:46.829 --> 00:23:50.190
right but that law is there to get you into
433
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the trap So that you can learn the lessons. If
434
00:23:53.690 --> 00:23:56.150
there was nothing, if people were not getting something out
435
00:23:56.170 --> 00:23:59.549
of the relationship, they wouldn't stay, right? We're getting something
436
00:23:59.650 --> 00:24:02.390
out of it, right? And by keeping that law and
437
00:24:02.470 --> 00:24:05.250
staying in it, you know, I stayed in it for
438
00:24:05.269 --> 00:24:07.150
three years. You don't usually have to stay that long.
439
00:24:08.589 --> 00:24:11.490
You get the gifts out of it. And again, I'm
440
00:24:11.509 --> 00:24:14.259
just going to say, you know, So you can see
441
00:24:14.279 --> 00:24:16.579
the gift that your self-worth is where it needs to be.
442
00:24:16.700 --> 00:24:20.640
My self-worth is in the gutter, right? Because I was
443
00:24:20.799 --> 00:24:23.680
once something that I'd been raised with, no self-worth. I
444
00:24:23.720 --> 00:24:25.809
was never good enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
445
00:24:26.069 --> 00:24:29.470
I was stupid. I would take an exam at school
446
00:24:29.509 --> 00:24:32.089
and I never wanted to tell anybody what my answers
447
00:24:32.130 --> 00:24:34.250
were because they would tell me that was the wrong answer.
448
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They'd tell me I was stupid. So I was avoiding pain.
449
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I was avoiding rejection, which is kind of funny because
450
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:43.339
Most of my business life has been about, in some way,
451
00:24:43.380 --> 00:24:45.519
shape or another, sales, which is, you can't get more
452
00:24:45.539 --> 00:24:48.319
rejection than that, right? But anyway, so I get into
453
00:24:48.359 --> 00:24:52.079
this relationship for a reason. You know, when you said
454
00:24:52.140 --> 00:24:54.339
earlier about being a victim, I was never a victim.
455
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I say repeatedly throughout the book, I was just as
456
00:24:58.029 --> 00:25:00.549
bad as she was, right? I wasn't a victim to it.
457
00:25:00.910 --> 00:25:03.950
I was making that conscious choice. But once I really
458
00:25:04.009 --> 00:25:07.349
started to study it and really figure out what was
459
00:25:07.470 --> 00:25:09.589
really going on, as you're asking these questions right now,
460
00:25:09.609 --> 00:25:12.380
which are great questions, right? you start to really have
461
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to look at, well, I'm not stupid, right? I did
462
00:25:16.160 --> 00:25:20.700
it intentionally. In other words, I'm not saying it was
463
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at the front of my mind, right? But I'm saying
464
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that I was aware of it, but I still kept
465
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going until I couldn't anymore, right? And I had to
466
00:25:28.049 --> 00:25:32.329
let go. And then I did. But after that, now
467
00:25:32.470 --> 00:25:34.470
and only at that point, are you going to really
468
00:25:35.190 --> 00:25:41.279
experience the consequences of staying? And those consequences become the
469
00:25:41.400 --> 00:25:44.400
seed of growth if you want to, right? And so
470
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what happens in many, many cases, Gwyneth, and you know
471
00:25:47.220 --> 00:25:50.069
this too, is that people stay in the victim mode.
472
00:25:50.970 --> 00:25:54.309
He did this. She did that to me. And that's
473
00:25:54.390 --> 00:25:58.109
not true. They did it for you. Now, people are
474
00:25:58.130 --> 00:26:01.559
going to go, listen, who's this crazy English guy telling
475
00:26:01.579 --> 00:26:04.039
me this happened for me? I got the receipt. I
476
00:26:04.079 --> 00:26:06.180
was in hospital. He beat the crap out of me,
477
00:26:06.240 --> 00:26:09.049
whatever it is, right? I get it. Here's the deal.
478
00:26:09.289 --> 00:26:12.460
You can't change that. What you can change is your
479
00:26:12.500 --> 00:26:15.019
perception of it and look at what your responsibility was
480
00:26:15.059 --> 00:26:18.099
in it. You didn't have to stay. You stayed. That
481
00:26:18.140 --> 00:26:21.599
was a choice, right? You accepted being treated that way.
482
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:26.869
That's not acceptable. But you allowed it. You made it acceptable. Now,
483
00:26:26.910 --> 00:26:29.329
if you don't change that, you don't take ownership of
484
00:26:29.390 --> 00:26:32.799
that and other things, you're just going to keep repeating it.
485
00:26:33.809 --> 00:26:34.150
Mm-hmm.
486
00:26:34.819 --> 00:26:36.539
Going to come in and they're going to be this
487
00:26:36.619 --> 00:26:40.690
persona that is attractive to you whether it's this confidence
488
00:26:40.750 --> 00:26:44.410
whether it's this charm whatever it is you're just going
489
00:26:44.430 --> 00:26:47.529
to get taken by it again right so once you
490
00:26:47.609 --> 00:26:50.819
recognize those things there's nothing wrong with those things but
491
00:26:51.519 --> 00:26:54.599
with a a relationship you know again and i use
492
00:26:54.660 --> 00:26:57.940
the analogy of an empath with a narcissist it's not
493
00:26:58.000 --> 00:27:00.319
always an empath and a narcissist but it gives because
494
00:27:00.339 --> 00:27:05.490
we're talking generally we're giving generalizations right so The people,
495
00:27:05.509 --> 00:27:08.869
there's a giver and a taker, right? The empath is
496
00:27:08.890 --> 00:27:12.529
the giver, right? And they can never give enough because
497
00:27:12.569 --> 00:27:16.150
they've been led to believe or they do believe that
498
00:27:16.190 --> 00:27:19.390
if they give enough love, if they give enough, they
499
00:27:19.410 --> 00:27:22.470
will be loved. It doesn't work. No matter how much
500
00:27:22.490 --> 00:27:25.480
they give, it just doesn't work. And the narcissist, at
501
00:27:25.500 --> 00:27:30.019
the other end, believes it's too scary to love, but
502
00:27:30.079 --> 00:27:33.279
I can make them love me. Mm-hmm. And as long
503
00:27:33.339 --> 00:27:35.589
as I have them love me and I don't love them,
504
00:27:35.910 --> 00:27:40.089
I'm in control. I'm safe. It's all about safety, right?
505
00:27:41.049 --> 00:27:44.869
And so how can I get this person to love
506
00:27:44.910 --> 00:27:46.759
me without me giving them love? And that's where the
507
00:27:46.799 --> 00:27:50.099
manipulation comes in. And that's where they learn these skills.
508
00:27:50.160 --> 00:27:52.079
And they are skills of humans.
509
00:27:52.119 --> 00:27:55.819
They're life skills. Yeah, they're life skills. But they learn
510
00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:56.519
very young.
511
00:27:57.059 --> 00:28:01.130
Yeah. And so, like I said, you know, intelligence doesn't
512
00:28:01.170 --> 00:28:04.880
protect you from manipulation. And I talked about the things
513
00:28:04.920 --> 00:28:07.319
that intelligent people tend to do. You know, they explain
514
00:28:07.359 --> 00:28:10.700
away because they have compassion and they're kind and they
515
00:28:11.049 --> 00:28:13.369
want to give people second, third, fourth, fifth chances, whatever
516
00:28:13.410 --> 00:28:15.529
it is, and they want to help. And they think
517
00:28:15.569 --> 00:28:20.309
they can fix the person. These are how they end up.
518
00:28:20.349 --> 00:28:23.900
These are part of getting in a toxic relationship. So
519
00:28:23.920 --> 00:28:28.680
the very core of it, though, the empath wants to give, give, give.
520
00:28:29.720 --> 00:28:32.619
But however much they give, it's never enough, which causes
521
00:28:32.660 --> 00:28:34.259
them to get frustrated at certain times.
522
00:28:34.440 --> 00:28:34.680
Right.
523
00:28:35.180 --> 00:28:37.940
So they can flip out and get angry because it's like,
524
00:28:38.069 --> 00:28:39.450
whatever I do is never enough for you.
525
00:28:40.190 --> 00:28:40.369
Right.
526
00:28:41.029 --> 00:28:44.630
And then the narcissist is like, however much the other
527
00:28:44.670 --> 00:28:46.630
person gives, it's never enough.
528
00:28:47.829 --> 00:28:50.269
Yeah, it's an empty well that can never get filled.
529
00:28:50.809 --> 00:28:51.309
On either side.
530
00:28:51.329 --> 00:28:55.410
But for both, either side, exactly. On very, that's the mirror.
531
00:28:56.170 --> 00:28:59.619
And so, and when my, then I'm just looking at
532
00:28:59.660 --> 00:29:02.640
you today, what do you know about self-love today?
533
00:29:03.460 --> 00:29:06.519
What do I know about self-love? Well, it's the most important.
534
00:29:06.539 --> 00:29:09.279
You can't love anybody else really until you love yourself.
535
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:12.299
And so how did I come to that realization? I
536
00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:15.769
guess is the real question, right? By spending a lot
537
00:29:15.809 --> 00:29:17.650
of time on my own. I've been single for four years.
538
00:29:18.630 --> 00:29:20.289
I have no desire to get in a relationship. Now,
539
00:29:20.309 --> 00:29:25.000
I had relationships before that, after Tomas, right? But partly
540
00:29:25.059 --> 00:29:28.519
I became single because I wanted to write the book.
541
00:29:28.900 --> 00:29:31.680
That's a difficult book to write when you're in a
542
00:29:31.720 --> 00:29:34.430
relationship for reasons that you mentioned at the beginning. It's
543
00:29:34.450 --> 00:29:37.690
very sexually graphic, right? So no one wants to be
544
00:29:37.710 --> 00:29:39.950
with a guy who's writing a book about his sexual relationship.
545
00:29:40.319 --> 00:29:44.400
with another woman, especially beautiful woman, because that can make
546
00:29:44.420 --> 00:29:47.460
a woman feel really insecure, right? So I stopped dating
547
00:29:47.480 --> 00:29:49.579
for that reason. And then the more time I spent alone,
548
00:29:49.599 --> 00:29:51.859
the more I liked it and the more I enjoy
549
00:29:51.900 --> 00:29:55.710
it now. So I'm not saying that I won't date again.
550
00:29:55.769 --> 00:29:57.150
I will, but it would be in a different way.
551
00:29:57.759 --> 00:29:59.799
You know, I'm never going to give up my freedom again. Now,
552
00:29:59.839 --> 00:30:01.619
you got to understand, I'm in my 60s, right? So
553
00:30:01.660 --> 00:30:03.549
this is different. If I was in my 20s, I
554
00:30:03.619 --> 00:30:05.890
wouldn't be saying that, right? This is a different part
555
00:30:05.930 --> 00:30:08.970
of my life, right? So now I'm at the point where, well,
556
00:30:08.990 --> 00:30:10.950
I've been married four times, as you said earlier, right?
557
00:30:11.990 --> 00:30:15.619
And so when you look back, what do you think you're,
558
00:30:15.710 --> 00:30:18.160
how do you look at love today and commitment?
559
00:30:18.720 --> 00:30:22.380
Yeah. Well, it's not just about love and commitment. It's
560
00:30:22.420 --> 00:30:27.019
about intimacy, right? So when you're terrified, I was terrified
561
00:30:27.059 --> 00:30:31.319
of intimacy. Why? Because I never experienced love from my parents.
562
00:30:32.119 --> 00:30:36.130
My parents were not capable of giving love to either
563
00:30:36.150 --> 00:30:39.269
me or my sister, right? And so what does that do?
564
00:30:39.289 --> 00:30:42.849
I mean, it's very difficult to have intimacy, right? You know,
565
00:30:42.869 --> 00:30:46.980
if your mom has never been nurturing and caring and loving...
566
00:30:47.490 --> 00:30:49.509
that's where you learn those skills, right? That's when you
567
00:30:49.529 --> 00:30:51.490
learn how to do that. And if you can't get
568
00:30:51.559 --> 00:30:54.759
that from your mother, you're going to be scared of trying.
569
00:30:55.240 --> 00:30:57.200
I didn't recognize this when I was a kid, right?
570
00:30:57.519 --> 00:31:00.400
But I recognize it now by doing that work. So
571
00:31:00.500 --> 00:31:03.259
I was afraid of intimacy. And so then you go, well,
572
00:31:03.279 --> 00:31:06.799
how do you become intimate? Okay, well, people think, you know,
573
00:31:06.819 --> 00:31:09.220
you're going to get intimacy in the bedroom. No, you won't.
574
00:31:09.519 --> 00:31:11.539
You'll never find it there. You have to find it
575
00:31:11.599 --> 00:31:14.200
before you get in the bedroom. So how do we
576
00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:18.859
develop intimacy? Well, it begins with trust, right? So we've
577
00:31:19.000 --> 00:31:21.319
all got, you've heard this millions of times, we've all
578
00:31:21.359 --> 00:31:25.549
got skeletons in the closet, right? We've all done and
579
00:31:25.640 --> 00:31:29.589
said things. Well, I'm saying all, everybody I've ever met.
580
00:31:29.829 --> 00:31:32.569
Maybe there's some outliers out there, but usually people have
581
00:31:32.609 --> 00:31:35.670
got things that they're pushing down that would not want
582
00:31:35.829 --> 00:31:38.319
other people to know. And nothing wrong with that, right?
583
00:31:39.759 --> 00:31:42.220
And I'm not, you know, I wrote a book about,
584
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:44.480
you know, me having been in a sane asylum, me
585
00:31:44.509 --> 00:31:48.150
getting teased and ridiculed at school for having a small dick,
586
00:31:48.509 --> 00:31:50.589
for all these crazy things that happened in my life,
587
00:31:50.670 --> 00:31:53.190
and I let it all out, right? So I'm not
588
00:31:53.230 --> 00:31:56.029
suggesting you do that initially to be vulnerable, right? I
589
00:31:56.069 --> 00:32:00.559
did it because I wanted to give men and women
590
00:32:01.220 --> 00:32:05.759
the understanding that vulnerability is not a weakness, it's a strength, right?
591
00:32:05.779 --> 00:32:08.380
Because once you brought all these things out into the open...
592
00:32:09.440 --> 00:32:12.339
then really nobody can say anything you haven't said about yourself. Now,
593
00:32:12.440 --> 00:32:14.940
having said that, you know, you don't want to do
594
00:32:14.980 --> 00:32:17.349
that with the whole world like I did, right? And
595
00:32:17.390 --> 00:32:20.150
you definitely don't want to do that on the first date, right?
596
00:32:20.230 --> 00:32:23.049
That would just not be good. But once you're going
597
00:32:23.069 --> 00:32:26.289
to get, once you've decided that this is a person
598
00:32:26.470 --> 00:32:30.849
I want to have a long-term relationship, potentially even marry them,
599
00:32:30.930 --> 00:32:34.130
and I want intimacy with that person, then the only
600
00:32:34.150 --> 00:32:35.809
way I'm going to get that is if I open
601
00:32:35.849 --> 00:32:38.640
up about myself. That if I share all these things
602
00:32:38.660 --> 00:32:40.819
that I have been ashamed of, that I have been
603
00:32:41.079 --> 00:32:44.079
feeling guilty about, that I don't want people to know. Why?
604
00:32:44.680 --> 00:32:47.700
Because if you don't, you'll never be able to love
605
00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:50.140
that person. And they will feel that and they'll never
606
00:32:50.180 --> 00:32:52.980
love you either. Why? Because they're going to know you're
607
00:32:53.000 --> 00:32:55.819
holding something back. You know you haven't told them some
608
00:32:55.839 --> 00:32:59.460
things about yourself that they might find out later. And
609
00:32:59.480 --> 00:33:01.960
then they'll love you. So people say, well, wait, hang
610
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:03.660
on a second, Stephen. What if I tell them and
611
00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:05.609
then they tell everybody? Then is that someone you want
612
00:33:05.619 --> 00:33:09.259
to be with? You've told them intimate things about yourself
613
00:33:09.299 --> 00:33:12.359
that you want them to keep private and sacred, right?
614
00:33:12.980 --> 00:33:14.279
And they go out and tell everybody else, is that
615
00:33:14.319 --> 00:33:15.819
someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?
616
00:33:16.599 --> 00:33:18.220
And if they're going to find that out and decide
617
00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:19.539
they don't want to be with you, when do you
618
00:33:19.579 --> 00:33:22.240
want to know that? At the beginning or the end?
619
00:33:23.789 --> 00:33:25.509
So you're either going to save yourself a lot of
620
00:33:25.549 --> 00:33:28.809
pain or you're going to have an amazing relationship together, right?
621
00:33:29.349 --> 00:33:31.910
And then when you get in the bedroom, there's tremendous trust.
622
00:33:33.210 --> 00:33:36.609
anybody can express their sexuality without fear of being judged,
623
00:33:36.930 --> 00:33:40.109
without fear of someone leaving them because of those things, right?
624
00:33:40.410 --> 00:33:42.829
Because you've shared that intimacy with them and that's when
625
00:33:42.849 --> 00:33:48.440
you can have a much deeper intimate relationship.
626
00:33:49.480 --> 00:33:51.200
I just wanna go back into it because you said
627
00:33:51.220 --> 00:33:56.200
you've been single for the last four years and talking
628
00:33:56.240 --> 00:34:01.220
about intimacy and trust, You know, the relationship is the practice,
629
00:34:02.779 --> 00:34:08.639
the living practice. But to me, there's the point before
630
00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:10.900
you're in a relationship or when you're not in relationship
631
00:34:10.960 --> 00:34:13.440
and maybe even definitely when you're in it as well,
632
00:34:13.480 --> 00:34:18.150
but how do you develop intimacy for yourself? How do
633
00:34:18.210 --> 00:34:21.170
you develop self-trust for yourself to know that when you
634
00:34:21.250 --> 00:34:23.969
show up in a relationship that you can open up?
635
00:34:24.429 --> 00:34:29.050
It's a big deal to surrender, to understand yourself so well,
636
00:34:30.469 --> 00:34:33.409
that you have trust in yourself, that you know that
637
00:34:33.880 --> 00:34:39.219
those choices going farther are going to come from your alignment,
638
00:34:39.300 --> 00:34:42.400
your resonance, what's important for you and good for you
639
00:34:42.880 --> 00:34:46.719
and coming from a self-love place, including intimacy. I think
640
00:34:46.760 --> 00:34:49.949
being intimate with yourself, this is what I feel is
641
00:34:49.989 --> 00:34:53.969
that being intimate with yourself and being able to go there,
642
00:34:54.050 --> 00:34:57.949
which again, how did you find... being able to sit
643
00:34:57.989 --> 00:35:00.099
with yourself? Like, what did it mean from after doing
644
00:35:00.179 --> 00:35:01.780
all of the work? Because you've clearly done a lot
645
00:35:01.800 --> 00:35:05.039
of work in your lifetime, a lot of self-development work.
646
00:35:05.119 --> 00:35:06.699
And then it sounds to me like you had to
647
00:35:06.780 --> 00:35:09.920
sit in it, sit with the tools, sit with the being,
648
00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:13.539
sit with the intimacy. And what did that look like?
649
00:35:14.139 --> 00:35:19.159
Yeah, well, you know, in between me writing the book
650
00:35:19.219 --> 00:35:22.559
and having this relationship with Tomas, there were six years, right?
651
00:35:22.989 --> 00:35:25.820
So during that six years, while I was in an
652
00:35:25.880 --> 00:35:28.360
intimate relationship, I'd done a lot of that work. And
653
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:32.619
so it showed up in that relationship. It wasn't because
654
00:35:32.659 --> 00:35:34.860
I didn't have intimacy that I ended up being single
655
00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:37.400
for four years, right? So I've done that work. So
656
00:35:37.420 --> 00:35:42.199
I've had the experience of reaping the rewards after I'd
657
00:35:42.239 --> 00:35:43.440
done the work. Does that make sense?
658
00:35:43.980 --> 00:35:44.219
Yes.
659
00:35:44.699 --> 00:35:47.679
Yeah. It doesn't mean, I mean, there was still a
660
00:35:47.719 --> 00:35:51.070
lot of things. I mean, I'm getting stuff all the time, Gwen,
661
00:35:51.429 --> 00:35:56.940
but I... wow, I hadn't even realized that. There was
662
00:35:56.960 --> 00:36:00.260
something like yesterday, but there was something about, this is
663
00:36:00.280 --> 00:36:02.650
going to sound weird, but like a week ago, you know,
664
00:36:02.869 --> 00:36:07.469
I'm at home and I was getting angry about something
665
00:36:07.510 --> 00:36:10.110
and I went, what the heck is going on here, right?
666
00:36:11.150 --> 00:36:14.519
It's a nothing thing, right? And so I realized that
667
00:36:14.539 --> 00:36:18.639
that was, again, from my childhood of having anxiety about
668
00:36:19.199 --> 00:36:22.250
Because everything I did, I had to do super fast.
669
00:36:22.369 --> 00:36:24.190
So I'd make a mistake so I could get picked
670
00:36:24.250 --> 00:36:26.429
on because my father was a bully, right? My father's
671
00:36:26.449 --> 00:36:28.289
a bully, right? And so he would want to find
672
00:36:28.309 --> 00:36:31.309
a way to bully me by making me anxious, pushing
673
00:36:31.329 --> 00:36:33.750
me and pushing me, pushing me and making me make
674
00:36:33.789 --> 00:36:37.340
a mistake because I was anxious. And I hadn't even
675
00:36:37.420 --> 00:36:40.420
recognized that to the point where I have anxiety in
676
00:36:40.480 --> 00:36:42.800
my life that I hadn't realized that I want to
677
00:36:43.219 --> 00:36:46.300
do everything really fast. And what's the freaking, what's the point?
678
00:36:46.579 --> 00:36:48.840
So if I can't do it fast, I get frustrated.
679
00:36:49.840 --> 00:36:54.550
the smallest thing, right? So I could be hanging something up.
680
00:36:54.869 --> 00:36:56.829
And if it didn't go right into place immediately, like what?
681
00:36:56.869 --> 00:37:00.369
You know, I get frustrated because of this pattern from
682
00:37:00.429 --> 00:37:03.050
when I was a child. So I'm not trying to say,
683
00:37:04.010 --> 00:37:05.989
we've gone through this stuff and I got it all
684
00:37:06.030 --> 00:37:10.360
down perfectly. I'm still learning. I'm still experiencing things. I'm
685
00:37:10.559 --> 00:37:13.179
still seeing things, which is the beauty of it as well.
686
00:37:13.219 --> 00:37:15.400
You know, you're still, you're never going to stop learning
687
00:37:15.440 --> 00:37:17.719
and growing, right? As long as we're alive, if you're
688
00:37:17.840 --> 00:37:22.579
open to it. if you're prepared to take responsibility for
689
00:37:22.599 --> 00:37:26.219
your actions. I'm going, I'm creating this right now. This
690
00:37:26.300 --> 00:37:29.340
is me. I'm creating this frustration. If you look around,
691
00:37:29.519 --> 00:37:32.960
you can't see any frustration. It's in you, right? You
692
00:37:33.159 --> 00:37:37.019
are allowing that to happen. So why? Why are you
693
00:37:37.059 --> 00:37:39.960
allowing that? And then I just suddenly, when you ask
694
00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:43.260
those kind of questions, you see the reflection. You see
695
00:37:43.320 --> 00:37:45.219
where it started in your life because I've done it
696
00:37:45.260 --> 00:37:47.840
so many times. Now, I also want to say this, right?
697
00:37:48.480 --> 00:37:51.510
So You know, I have a belief that nothing happens
698
00:37:51.590 --> 00:37:54.730
to you, everything happens for you, which is really easy
699
00:37:54.769 --> 00:37:59.510
to say. It's different to live, right? Because if you
700
00:37:59.550 --> 00:38:02.380
say it happened to me, now you're a victim, right?
701
00:38:03.300 --> 00:38:05.579
If you say it happened for you and you find
702
00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:09.139
the silver lining or even gold lining, now you're wiser
703
00:38:09.840 --> 00:38:11.940
and you have a choice in every single situation. Now,
704
00:38:13.079 --> 00:38:15.250
the other thing I'm going to say is it's okay
705
00:38:15.289 --> 00:38:18.380
to be a victim. you know, in the immediacy or
706
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:21.219
for a little while. You just don't want to stay there, right?
707
00:38:21.989 --> 00:38:24.070
We're all human beings. You're going to be upset. You're
708
00:38:24.090 --> 00:38:25.730
going to be angry. You know, I told you I
709
00:38:25.750 --> 00:38:29.050
still get angry sometimes, right? But then I look at it, right?
710
00:38:29.489 --> 00:38:32.670
And so for me now, when these things happen, for me,
711
00:38:33.130 --> 00:38:36.230
the time between me being angry and out of balance
712
00:38:36.250 --> 00:38:39.190
gets shorter and shorter. And then I come back into
713
00:38:39.250 --> 00:38:42.050
balance because then I say, you know, after I've been angry,
714
00:38:42.369 --> 00:38:45.380
I've vented about it, and then I go, And, you know,
715
00:38:45.420 --> 00:38:48.639
I talk to myself, we all do, right? Okay. All right.
716
00:38:48.900 --> 00:38:50.860
So this happened for me. Go ahead and explain that.
717
00:38:50.900 --> 00:38:53.420
This is going to be good. Right. And so then
718
00:38:53.579 --> 00:38:56.139
I've committed to looking for it. Now, you don't find
719
00:38:56.179 --> 00:38:58.679
it right away. You know, sometimes it can take days,
720
00:38:58.739 --> 00:39:01.119
weeks or even months or even years. You know, when
721
00:39:01.139 --> 00:39:03.690
I talk about, you know, being ridiculed as a kid for,
722
00:39:04.010 --> 00:39:05.989
you know, my mom sent me to school in school
723
00:39:06.010 --> 00:39:08.570
clothes that were too big. And so kids would just,
724
00:39:09.150 --> 00:39:11.320
you know, yeah, kids are right. So they tease you
725
00:39:11.360 --> 00:39:13.699
and ridicule you and laugh at you. And then being
726
00:39:13.719 --> 00:39:15.719
the kid in the shower that gets picked on for
727
00:39:15.760 --> 00:39:17.980
having a small dick. You can imagine that when it
728
00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:20.179
goes throughout the school. You know, you're a girl and
729
00:39:20.199 --> 00:39:21.949
you're thinking, is she going to say any minute, you know,
730
00:39:21.969 --> 00:39:25.030
you're the kid with the small dick, right? Familiating, and
731
00:39:25.050 --> 00:39:28.250
it was traumatic. And I'm not wishing it on anybody.
732
00:39:29.110 --> 00:39:31.980
Or being in a sane asylum. You become ashamed of it,
733
00:39:32.010 --> 00:39:34.019
you know, especially back then. And it's not really that
734
00:39:34.039 --> 00:39:36.780
much easier now because you don't want anybody to know
735
00:39:36.820 --> 00:39:40.340
that about you, right? And so you push all these
736
00:39:40.380 --> 00:39:42.320
things down with shame and so on and so forth.
737
00:39:42.340 --> 00:39:44.400
But all those things, and we're not going to necessarily
738
00:39:44.420 --> 00:39:46.440
get on to all of it right now, every single
739
00:39:46.480 --> 00:39:49.559
one of those things turned out to have a silver lining.
740
00:39:50.769 --> 00:39:53.150
a beautiful silver lining. Now that didn't happen.
741
00:39:53.469 --> 00:39:55.750
Would you share, would you share just a couple of
742
00:39:55.789 --> 00:39:59.159
those silver linings just going from, because there are people
743
00:39:59.179 --> 00:40:01.260
that have deep pain and don't understand.
744
00:40:01.820 --> 00:40:02.579
Sure. Yeah.
745
00:40:02.599 --> 00:40:05.219
You know, what's that, what's, what is the deep, you know, from,
746
00:40:05.300 --> 00:40:05.940
from the pain.
747
00:40:06.300 --> 00:40:09.019
Okay. So only by being committed to that belief, could
748
00:40:09.059 --> 00:40:11.619
I find it right. So which ones you want to
749
00:40:11.639 --> 00:40:12.960
pick them? Which one do you want to go with?
750
00:40:13.019 --> 00:40:14.420
Do you want me to do them all? I can
751
00:40:14.440 --> 00:40:14.719
do them all.
752
00:40:15.050 --> 00:40:15.320
All right.
753
00:40:15.389 --> 00:40:20.070
So the first one is what? So, um, Well, let
754
00:40:20.090 --> 00:40:25.369
me tell you a story of how that pattern came
755
00:40:25.510 --> 00:40:28.409
up in my relationship with Tomas, right? And she brought
756
00:40:28.429 --> 00:40:30.849
it to light, which helped me have a healing, which
757
00:40:30.909 --> 00:40:33.329
was not our intention, right? But anyway, so we're in
758
00:40:33.349 --> 00:40:35.929
this relationship. And as you know, in the book, it's tumultuous, right?
759
00:40:35.949 --> 00:40:40.000
There's chaos all the time. We're breaking up, going traveling, mad,
760
00:40:40.119 --> 00:40:42.780
crazy love. We're breaking up, all this stuff. But at
761
00:40:42.820 --> 00:40:46.300
this point, we are broken up. She's got her own place,
762
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:48.360
but she's living with me most of the time. So
763
00:40:48.400 --> 00:40:51.349
I had to go on a speaking trip. And she
764
00:40:51.389 --> 00:40:53.079
knew I was going on the speaking trip. We'd broken up.
765
00:40:53.110 --> 00:40:55.360
She wasn't living in the house. She stole one of
766
00:40:55.380 --> 00:40:57.960
my cars. I had no idea where she was. But
767
00:40:57.980 --> 00:41:01.679
I had to go on this trip. And she knew
768
00:41:01.719 --> 00:41:03.380
I was going to go on this trip. And she
769
00:41:03.400 --> 00:41:06.820
knew I was going to be away from the house, right? Now,
770
00:41:06.960 --> 00:41:08.980
she could get in the house whenever she wanted to
771
00:41:09.000 --> 00:41:11.699
because usually there were windows and doors unlocked. She left
772
00:41:11.719 --> 00:41:13.059
them unlocked so she could get back in. And I
773
00:41:13.079 --> 00:41:15.619
didn't really care. But anyway, for this reason, for this event,
774
00:41:15.780 --> 00:41:17.630
some reason why, because I was going away and I
775
00:41:17.650 --> 00:41:19.409
didn't know where she was, I locked all the doors
776
00:41:19.469 --> 00:41:22.340
and the windows. So she comes round. I leave on
777
00:41:22.360 --> 00:41:25.670
a Thursday. She came round on Friday night and she
778
00:41:25.690 --> 00:41:28.340
couldn't get in the house. So she just broke in.
779
00:41:29.409 --> 00:41:31.409
There's no point in locking her out. She's just going
780
00:41:31.429 --> 00:41:33.670
to break in, which she did. Now, what had happened
781
00:41:33.730 --> 00:41:37.409
was a couple of weeks prior to this, there'd been
782
00:41:37.469 --> 00:41:43.639
some incident, criminal activity in the neighborhood, and they called
783
00:41:43.659 --> 00:41:47.360
the police. But the police were very slow in responding.
784
00:41:48.460 --> 00:41:51.460
So the community director called the police chief and chewed
785
00:41:51.480 --> 00:41:52.920
him out and said, listen, we pay all this money
786
00:41:52.940 --> 00:41:56.409
in taxes, you know, you should be here faster than
787
00:41:56.429 --> 00:41:59.110
anybody or whatever, right? So he's obviously not happy about that.
788
00:41:59.550 --> 00:42:01.849
So then this alarm goes off at the police station
789
00:42:01.869 --> 00:42:04.869
at one o'clock in the morning and he says, right,
790
00:42:05.230 --> 00:42:07.650
let me show you how fast we can come out, right?
791
00:42:08.289 --> 00:42:13.219
So he sends out six squad cars, two SUVs, police dogs,
792
00:42:13.800 --> 00:42:16.980
and they all converge on my house. She's sitting in
793
00:42:17.019 --> 00:42:18.920
the Bentley with the roof down, her arms out like
794
00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:22.179
damsel in distress, right? The whole neighborhood is lit up
795
00:42:22.219 --> 00:42:26.559
with the police lights, the dogs barking, running through people's gardens.
796
00:42:28.050 --> 00:42:33.050
It's a zoo. So they call me, right? They probably
797
00:42:33.070 --> 00:42:35.030
had me on speed dial by then. Anyway, they call
798
00:42:35.050 --> 00:42:38.050
me and they said, she's here, right? He said, she
799
00:42:38.070 --> 00:42:43.190
wants to get in. Well, she can be very vindictive, right?
800
00:42:43.309 --> 00:42:45.849
So I said, listen, under no circumstances, let her in
801
00:42:45.889 --> 00:42:48.030
that house, right? You can't let her in. He goes, well,
802
00:42:48.530 --> 00:42:50.530
let me call you back. Calls me back. He said,
803
00:42:50.550 --> 00:42:52.210
we just spoke to the police chief. He said, we've
804
00:42:52.230 --> 00:42:54.949
got to let her in. I'm like, you've got to
805
00:42:54.969 --> 00:42:56.960
be kidding us. This is my house. You can't let
806
00:42:56.980 --> 00:42:58.840
her in there. Well, we know she's living here most
807
00:42:58.860 --> 00:43:01.539
of the time, blah, blah, blah. So they let her in. Meanwhile,
808
00:43:01.559 --> 00:43:04.699
I'm 3,000 miles away, and all these ideas of what
809
00:43:04.739 --> 00:43:06.539
she's going to do to the house are going through
810
00:43:06.579 --> 00:43:11.789
my head. So anyway, I get home, and... She's obviously gone,
811
00:43:11.849 --> 00:43:13.750
nowhere to be seen, right? So I walk in the
812
00:43:13.789 --> 00:43:17.650
house and I look around and everything is fine. Everything
813
00:43:17.710 --> 00:43:22.590
is in its rightful place. She's turned over, no way, right?
814
00:43:22.949 --> 00:43:24.130
So I go in the kitchen, I put on the
815
00:43:24.150 --> 00:43:26.309
kettle and I go out of the kitchen, I come
816
00:43:26.349 --> 00:43:30.760
back and the kettle isn't even boiling, right? So I
817
00:43:30.780 --> 00:43:33.519
go to the kettle and click the switch, nothing. I
818
00:43:33.539 --> 00:43:39.139
look behind, she snipped the wire. Now, obviously... That's not
819
00:43:39.179 --> 00:43:44.030
the only wire she snipped, right? She'd snipped every wire
820
00:43:44.210 --> 00:43:47.829
on every electrical product in the house. So when I've
821
00:43:47.849 --> 00:43:50.369
gone through this and I go, yeah, that's not it.
822
00:43:51.110 --> 00:43:53.889
I know there's going to be more, right? Now, as
823
00:43:53.929 --> 00:43:56.469
I just told you, when I was a kid, my
824
00:43:56.530 --> 00:43:58.849
mom sent me to school and school clothes that were
825
00:43:58.869 --> 00:44:00.289
way too big for me. Not her fault. We didn't
826
00:44:00.309 --> 00:44:03.380
have any money. So she was trying to think ahead. And,
827
00:44:03.389 --> 00:44:06.050
you know, I would moan and complain about it. And
828
00:44:06.090 --> 00:44:07.679
she said, you know, you're going to grow into it.
829
00:44:08.150 --> 00:44:11.789
I probably never would. Anyway, my point is, as I'm
830
00:44:11.809 --> 00:44:13.710
getting humiliated, I got to find a way out of
831
00:44:13.730 --> 00:44:17.570
that pain, right? So I decided I had to find
832
00:44:17.610 --> 00:44:20.309
some ways to make some money so I could buy
833
00:44:20.349 --> 00:44:23.730
my own school clothes. And I did. And from that
834
00:44:23.809 --> 00:44:28.300
time forward, clothes became very important to me. So then
835
00:44:28.320 --> 00:44:30.679
I never got laughed at again, right? For the clothes
836
00:44:30.719 --> 00:44:34.440
I was wearing. And so throughout my life, clothes had
837
00:44:34.460 --> 00:44:36.679
become very important. And now, you know, I'm making millions
838
00:44:36.719 --> 00:44:39.269
of dollars a year, so I got a pretty amazing wardrobe, right?
839
00:44:40.150 --> 00:44:42.230
And so when I thought about that, suddenly I went,
840
00:44:42.789 --> 00:44:46.469
oh no, no, right? So I go to my closet
841
00:44:47.309 --> 00:44:50.070
and everything looked fine. I'm like, oh my God for that, right?
842
00:44:50.590 --> 00:44:52.150
So then I go in and I pull the clothes
843
00:44:52.190 --> 00:44:55.250
back and of course she's cut them all to shreds, right? Now,
844
00:44:55.909 --> 00:44:59.440
I did not say at that moment, oh, it's fine.
845
00:44:59.519 --> 00:45:02.320
This has happened for me. It's all good. No, I'm
846
00:45:02.340 --> 00:45:05.119
a human being. I was furious, right? I was so
847
00:45:05.510 --> 00:45:11.349
angry at what she had done to me, right? Now,
848
00:45:11.630 --> 00:45:15.389
and again, so I went into victim mode, right? And
849
00:45:15.429 --> 00:45:18.090
then it doesn't come automatically. You try and think about, well,
850
00:45:18.110 --> 00:45:19.619
why has this happened for me? What can I get
851
00:45:19.679 --> 00:45:19.880
out of.
852
00:45:19.880 --> 00:45:20.320
This, right?
853
00:45:21.139 --> 00:45:24.400
And it's very slow. That was pretty deep for me.
854
00:45:24.440 --> 00:45:26.519
That was a deep wound for me at that moment, right?
855
00:45:27.980 --> 00:45:30.579
So finally, I sit in the armchair looking out over
856
00:45:30.599 --> 00:45:32.420
the lake and I'm going, okay, this is going to
857
00:45:32.440 --> 00:45:35.179
be good. This is going to be really good. How
858
00:45:35.300 --> 00:45:38.019
on earth does this happen for me? So very often,
859
00:45:38.039 --> 00:45:40.099
the first thing you get isn't it. You know, so
860
00:45:40.119 --> 00:45:42.360
the first thing that came to my mind as I
861
00:45:42.380 --> 00:45:44.059
was really trying to force this, but I was still
862
00:45:44.099 --> 00:45:48.059
frustrated and I was still angry was, okay, well, I
863
00:45:48.099 --> 00:45:51.920
guess it's just clothes, right? You can replace clothes. And
864
00:45:51.960 --> 00:45:54.989
my brain goes, that's bullshit, right? That is not going
865
00:45:55.010 --> 00:45:59.849
to satisfy your pain here. So eventually, what actually just
866
00:45:59.929 --> 00:46:03.090
popped in my mind without me trying to force a reason,
867
00:46:03.929 --> 00:46:08.530
the word just came into my mind. Attachment. I realized
868
00:46:08.570 --> 00:46:11.119
that I was attached to those clothes. Now, nothing wrong
869
00:46:11.139 --> 00:46:14.619
with having nice clothes. It's the attachment that's the problem.
870
00:46:14.639 --> 00:46:16.800
What does that mean? What does attachment mean? It means
871
00:46:16.860 --> 00:46:21.449
when you think you believe that those clothes or whatever
872
00:46:21.489 --> 00:46:24.010
it is are a part of who you are.
873
00:46:24.030 --> 00:46:25.010
Mm-hmm.
874
00:46:25.559 --> 00:46:29.440
And if you lose them, you will be somehow worth less.
875
00:46:31.000 --> 00:46:36.119
That's a problem. Yes. So she helped me realize that, right?
876
00:46:36.159 --> 00:46:38.480
To understand that. Now that was just the beginning of
877
00:46:38.539 --> 00:46:40.920
me letting go of so many things, right? But my
878
00:46:40.980 --> 00:46:44.380
point is, if I hadn't have come to that realization,
879
00:46:45.219 --> 00:46:48.909
I would still be angry at her to this day.
880
00:46:50.050 --> 00:46:52.630
And I would still be carrying her. And it would
881
00:46:52.650 --> 00:46:57.000
have been destructive for myself rather than coming to the understanding.
882
00:46:57.440 --> 00:47:00.119
And that's happened in so many other ways in the
883
00:47:00.159 --> 00:47:03.860
relationship to the point where, you know, she said she's
884
00:47:03.880 --> 00:47:05.239
the love of my life and she was the love
885
00:47:05.260 --> 00:47:07.519
of my life. But that doesn't mean I would ever
886
00:47:07.599 --> 00:47:10.340
be with her again. I would never. And I know
887
00:47:10.389 --> 00:47:12.190
I could if I wanted to, and I'm never going
888
00:47:12.210 --> 00:47:15.170
to do that because now I have a different, I'm
889
00:47:15.190 --> 00:47:17.829
a different person. That person doesn't exist anymore.
890
00:47:19.289 --> 00:47:24.719
Well, and there's love. And there's love without attachment. And
891
00:47:24.739 --> 00:47:27.719
just because you have love, I mean, I think of
892
00:47:27.780 --> 00:47:30.349
us as we are love, right? We are emanating. We
893
00:47:30.389 --> 00:47:34.929
are being love. And so to love another, you can
894
00:47:35.010 --> 00:47:39.190
love someone and still have standards and close that chapter
895
00:47:39.250 --> 00:47:43.309
and know it's not good. So thank you. I just
896
00:47:43.369 --> 00:47:46.119
want to stop that here because I know there's so
897
00:47:46.139 --> 00:47:48.539
much more to talk about. I just want to transition
898
00:47:48.719 --> 00:47:54.820
into asking you some of my questions as we slowly
899
00:47:55.139 --> 00:47:59.340
wrap up. What is one truth your body has always
900
00:47:59.400 --> 00:48:02.280
known that took years for your mind to catch up to?
901
00:48:03.840 --> 00:48:08.360
Wow. Yeah, one truth. Well, I think most of those truths, right?
902
00:48:08.599 --> 00:48:11.730
That authenticity is not a weakness, it's a power, right?
903
00:48:12.409 --> 00:48:16.829
As is authenticity. But you have to have vulnerability to
904
00:48:16.889 --> 00:48:20.849
let go of that shame and those secrets, you know,
905
00:48:20.889 --> 00:48:26.280
to be authentic, right? To be okay with yourself. I
906
00:48:26.340 --> 00:48:28.800
really didn't understand when I was a kid what a
907
00:48:28.880 --> 00:48:31.920
boundary was because my parents never let me have any boundaries,
908
00:48:32.719 --> 00:48:36.780
you know? They would never have respected boundaries or allowed
909
00:48:36.820 --> 00:48:39.579
me to create boundaries. So I really didn't. And so
910
00:48:39.599 --> 00:48:41.619
when things happened, it was always my fault because that's
911
00:48:41.639 --> 00:48:44.909
what my parents told me. I was always wrong. They
912
00:48:44.949 --> 00:48:48.710
were never wrong, right? And, you know, when I was,
913
00:48:48.789 --> 00:48:50.550
I think I maybe mentioned when I was a kid
914
00:48:51.210 --> 00:48:52.750
that I just wanted to run away from home. And
915
00:48:52.769 --> 00:48:55.010
I did a number of times, right? I don't know
916
00:48:55.090 --> 00:48:58.690
if I talked about the analogy of Tommy the Terror,
917
00:48:58.710 --> 00:49:01.840
the little dog, right? I talked about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
918
00:49:02.050 --> 00:49:04.760
So that was me. I was just running away, right?
919
00:49:05.139 --> 00:49:07.599
And that's why, partly why I had four marriages, because
920
00:49:07.639 --> 00:49:10.239
when things would go wrong, I could, I became overwhelmed,
921
00:49:10.280 --> 00:49:12.940
which meant I couldn't see a solution. And so I'd
922
00:49:12.980 --> 00:49:14.960
run away because that was my pattern from when I
923
00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:18.300
was a child. I didn't recognize that. It's just that
924
00:49:18.449 --> 00:49:21.059
feeling of overwhelm where I didn't feel like it was
925
00:49:21.099 --> 00:49:22.519
anything I could do or where I could go. So
926
00:49:22.539 --> 00:49:26.639
I've just run away. So these patterns don't go away
927
00:49:26.800 --> 00:49:31.110
and become more and more destructive the longer it takes
928
00:49:31.139 --> 00:49:33.929
you to recognize them and deal with them, right?
929
00:49:34.650 --> 00:49:37.429
Yeah, until the universe barks it out.
930
00:49:38.050 --> 00:49:39.989
Yeah but even even then gwen i'm you know you
931
00:49:40.030 --> 00:49:43.250
know this right so it's not easy for us to
932
00:49:43.289 --> 00:49:46.789
see it even then because we live in a society
933
00:49:47.070 --> 00:49:50.710
that tells you it's okay to be a victim oh
934
00:49:50.730 --> 00:49:54.590
you poor thing it's terrible that he or she did
935
00:49:54.630 --> 00:49:56.909
that to you right and so now you're buying into
936
00:49:56.949 --> 00:49:58.800
it because yeah i feel feel bad about it right
937
00:49:58.969 --> 00:50:02.980
they're not helping they're not helping at all right it's
938
00:50:03.809 --> 00:50:05.929
I'm not saying they should. They're not a therapist, right?
939
00:50:06.320 --> 00:50:09.159
But you need someone to say, hold on a second.
940
00:50:10.480 --> 00:50:13.179
No one is denying that they did those things. Of
941
00:50:13.260 --> 00:50:15.340
course they did. You know, you've got the pictures from
942
00:50:15.360 --> 00:50:17.860
the hospital. Whatever it is, you got the receipts. No
943
00:50:17.920 --> 00:50:20.519
one is saying they didn't do those things. That's not
944
00:50:20.559 --> 00:50:24.000
the point. The point is, you don't have any control
945
00:50:24.099 --> 00:50:28.139
over that. What you do have control over is how
946
00:50:28.179 --> 00:50:31.719
you live your life going forward. You know?
947
00:50:31.860 --> 00:50:32.320
Thank you.
948
00:50:32.820 --> 00:50:36.099
You see what I mean? That's what's important.
949
00:50:38.360 --> 00:50:41.039
What is the most intimate moment you've ever had that
950
00:50:41.360 --> 00:50:42.679
had nothing to do with sex?
951
00:50:44.940 --> 00:50:48.800
I have a lot because I'm afraid of physical intimacy
952
00:50:48.860 --> 00:50:51.659
or it was. I'm better, right? But it's still an issue, right?
953
00:50:51.889 --> 00:50:55.030
Still an issue. So the most important thing to me
954
00:50:55.050 --> 00:50:56.469
and part of this, and this is going to sound
955
00:50:56.510 --> 00:50:58.469
weird to some of the audience, right? I'm a big
956
00:50:58.489 --> 00:51:01.250
believer in astrology, right? So I'm an Aquarian. So the
957
00:51:01.309 --> 00:51:06.610
big thing for Aquarians is you know, humanity and his friendship,
958
00:51:07.389 --> 00:51:10.840
you know? And for me, I have a lot of
959
00:51:10.880 --> 00:51:15.119
women friends and sometimes they get frustrated because I'm not
960
00:51:15.840 --> 00:51:19.619
sexually attractive, attracted to them, right? Because it's gone over
961
00:51:19.639 --> 00:51:22.239
that line. This has been a challenge for me in
962
00:51:22.280 --> 00:51:25.360
my life as well. I can be very sexually attracted
963
00:51:25.400 --> 00:51:28.340
to a woman, but not want to have an intimate
964
00:51:28.400 --> 00:51:30.760
relationship with them intellectually. Does that make sense?
965
00:51:31.599 --> 00:51:31.800
Yes.
966
00:51:32.260 --> 00:51:38.820
Whereas when I have a very deep, spiritual, intellectual relationship
967
00:51:38.840 --> 00:51:42.659
with a woman, then it seems to extinguish my sexual
968
00:51:42.719 --> 00:51:46.519
desire for them, right? That has also been a problem
969
00:51:46.559 --> 00:51:49.940
for me, right? So it's been learning how to balance
970
00:51:49.980 --> 00:51:53.030
those two, which I think is the same for most people.
971
00:51:53.050 --> 00:51:55.329
You know, some people you're physically attracted to, and some
972
00:51:55.369 --> 00:51:57.869
people you're not. Nothing wrong with that, right? It's just
973
00:51:57.969 --> 00:52:02.630
honoring your own... preferences, right?
974
00:52:03.769 --> 00:52:04.309
Thank you.
975
00:52:04.829 --> 00:52:08.750
Yeah, right. Just honoring your own preferences. I did have,
976
00:52:08.989 --> 00:52:11.449
you know, and that's one of the reasons that Tomas
977
00:52:11.489 --> 00:52:15.579
was special is because I did have some amazing conversations
978
00:52:15.619 --> 00:52:18.360
with her. She's incredibly intelligent, right? And I love that
979
00:52:18.400 --> 00:52:21.440
about her. And she actually changed my perspective on a
980
00:52:21.480 --> 00:52:24.960
lot of things, including sexuality, right? So, and I talk
981
00:52:24.980 --> 00:52:26.340
about that, some of that in the book. I mean,
982
00:52:26.380 --> 00:52:28.280
sometimes I used to listen to her and I go,
983
00:52:28.340 --> 00:52:30.440
and then at the end, I'd have my mouth, my
984
00:52:30.500 --> 00:52:33.039
jaw would be like dropped and going, holy crap, that's
985
00:52:33.099 --> 00:52:34.159
really good stuff, right?
986
00:52:35.599 --> 00:52:35.940
Yeah.
987
00:52:36.179 --> 00:52:39.840
So I know that it can happen. I'm just saying it's,
988
00:52:40.110 --> 00:52:41.829
and I think anybody would say that too, you know,
989
00:52:41.889 --> 00:52:46.590
having someone that you have that desire for and intellectual stimulation,
990
00:52:46.889 --> 00:52:49.150
it's not easy to find. Thank you.
991
00:52:51.170 --> 00:52:54.599
If you could be remembered. for one sensation you gave someone,
992
00:52:54.639 --> 00:52:55.199
what would it be?
993
00:52:56.280 --> 00:52:58.219
You know, when I worked with Tony Robbins for a while,
994
00:52:58.760 --> 00:53:04.329
and he used to interview famous people. And at one time,
995
00:53:04.349 --> 00:53:05.969
so we're in this room, and he's with Wayne Dyer.
996
00:53:05.989 --> 00:53:09.389
You remember Wayne Dyer, right? And so he said, he
997
00:53:09.409 --> 00:53:12.429
used to ask everybody that question at the end of
998
00:53:13.230 --> 00:53:15.119
his interviews, right? Well, how do you want to be remembered?
999
00:53:16.000 --> 00:53:20.500
And I always remember Wayne Dyer saying, I don't necessarily
1000
00:53:20.519 --> 00:53:22.920
want to be remembered. I just want to live my
1001
00:53:22.980 --> 00:53:25.840
life to the full when I'm here. And as I
1002
00:53:25.880 --> 00:53:30.510
thought about that more and more, sometimes people live to
1003
00:53:30.550 --> 00:53:34.429
be remembered. You know what I mean? I want to
1004
00:53:34.730 --> 00:53:37.230
leave here and people remember me. Well, they're not going
1005
00:53:37.250 --> 00:53:40.570
to remember you forever, right? They're just not, right? So
1006
00:53:40.630 --> 00:53:43.230
why not live your life for you and your family
1007
00:53:43.250 --> 00:53:46.349
and the people you love rather than for people out
1008
00:53:46.389 --> 00:53:50.090
there that you hope remember you that probably won't, right?
1009
00:53:50.679 --> 00:53:53.460
So what I want from myself is to have lived
1010
00:53:53.500 --> 00:53:57.440
life fully, to have loved fully. To love fully.
1011
00:53:57.900 --> 00:54:03.039
To love fully. Thank you. That's beautiful. If pleasure were
1012
00:54:03.079 --> 00:54:05.480
a language, what would your first word be?
1013
00:54:05.500 --> 00:54:07.989
Pleasure was the first language?
1014
00:54:08.309 --> 00:54:11.389
Yes. If pleasure were a language, what would your first
1015
00:54:11.469 --> 00:54:13.170
word be? Love.
1016
00:54:14.469 --> 00:54:14.889
Thank you.
1017
00:54:16.309 --> 00:54:20.010
If your erotic life had a title? like a novel
1018
00:54:20.150 --> 00:54:21.590
or a film, what would it be called?
1019
00:54:22.170 --> 00:54:24.500
The Venus Flytrap, Sex, Lies and Repercussions.
1020
00:54:25.199 --> 00:54:28.719
Beautiful, thank you. What is one thing that you've never
1021
00:54:28.820 --> 00:54:31.559
said out loud, but you wish someone would ask you about?
1022
00:54:34.340 --> 00:54:35.760
Well, I'll tell you what popped in my mind. So
1023
00:54:35.780 --> 00:54:37.550
my intuition said, who are you really?
1024
00:54:38.829 --> 00:54:43.369
Who are you really? What part of your erotic self
1025
00:54:43.429 --> 00:54:45.730
are you still afraid to bring to the light?
1026
00:54:46.889 --> 00:54:51.170
Not much. There is probably a lot that isn't in
1027
00:54:51.210 --> 00:54:59.949
the book. Yeah. So what part of my sexuality? Yeah.
1028
00:55:00.309 --> 00:55:03.610
What if you're erotic? Sorry. What is the one thing
1029
00:55:03.630 --> 00:55:06.869
you've never said out loud? I'm getting lost in my questions.
1030
00:55:07.309 --> 00:55:09.969
What part of your erotic self are you still afraid
1031
00:55:10.010 --> 00:55:10.769
to bring to the light?
1032
00:55:13.199 --> 00:55:15.539
Well, I mean, here's the thing. I mean, I wrote
1033
00:55:15.579 --> 00:55:17.840
all of that in the book. But that doesn't mean
1034
00:55:17.860 --> 00:55:19.570
I want to talk about it all the time, right?
1035
00:55:19.590 --> 00:55:21.699
It doesn't mean that, you know, as I go to
1036
00:55:21.719 --> 00:55:23.380
a gathering, I go to a party that I'm going
1037
00:55:23.400 --> 00:55:25.460
to say, okay, so is it okay if I whip
1038
00:55:25.500 --> 00:55:27.019
my cock out or is it okay? You know what
1039
00:55:27.039 --> 00:55:28.659
I mean? I'm being exaggerating there, but you know what
1040
00:55:28.679 --> 00:55:31.219
I mean? If someone wanted to get into a conversation
1041
00:55:31.260 --> 00:55:34.360
with me about that, I could get into a conversation
1042
00:55:34.380 --> 00:55:36.539
with it, but I'm not wearing it on my sleeve.
1043
00:55:37.079 --> 00:55:39.219
And I know that's not really what you meant. Do
1044
00:55:40.619 --> 00:55:42.280
you know what I mean? I talked about so many
1045
00:55:42.340 --> 00:55:44.800
things in the book. I don't know if this is
1046
00:55:44.860 --> 00:55:47.260
in the second book, But I do mention it in
1047
00:55:47.280 --> 00:55:50.440
the first book, you know, Tamar's was bisexual, right? And
1048
00:55:51.079 --> 00:55:53.019
she wanted me to sleep with other women as long
1049
00:55:53.059 --> 00:55:55.500
as she was there, right? And I just never wanted
1050
00:55:55.539 --> 00:55:58.420
to do that, you know? So, and that is unusual,
1051
00:55:58.980 --> 00:56:01.909
I'm told, for men. Men very often want to sleep
1052
00:56:01.929 --> 00:56:04.309
with a couple of women and I was never interested
1053
00:56:04.329 --> 00:56:08.610
in that. Now, there's different reasons for that, right? Besides
1054
00:56:08.650 --> 00:56:13.610
the fact that I can only usually cope with one
1055
00:56:13.690 --> 00:56:17.719
woman at a time anyway, right? But that I'm very intense. Right.
1056
00:56:17.760 --> 00:56:19.389
So I want to focus on that. And that would
1057
00:56:19.409 --> 00:56:20.590
be just too distracting for me.
1058
00:56:20.849 --> 00:56:21.070
Right.
1059
00:56:22.329 --> 00:56:24.909
I want to throw myself into as I do. And
1060
00:56:24.929 --> 00:56:26.860
it says that in the book, I want to throw
1061
00:56:26.920 --> 00:56:30.820
myself into one person. Right. But also, as I talk
1062
00:56:30.840 --> 00:56:32.980
to my therapist about that, this is because you're insecure.
1063
00:56:33.000 --> 00:56:34.239
I think.
1064
00:56:36.230 --> 00:56:39.690
Everyone has their own preferences. I'm going to ask you,
1065
00:56:40.429 --> 00:56:42.949
and I'm only cutting you off because I need to.
1066
00:56:43.050 --> 00:56:44.829
I let it go on. But I am going to
1067
00:56:44.909 --> 00:56:48.559
ask you one more question, which is, if the soul
1068
00:56:48.599 --> 00:56:50.900
has a scent, what does yours smell like today? Okay.
1069
00:56:53.300 --> 00:56:55.780
Well, one of my favorite smells is vanilla.
1070
00:56:56.320 --> 00:56:59.219
Beautiful. And I will circle, since we probably have 10
1071
00:56:59.219 --> 00:57:02.179
seconds left, is who are you, really?
1072
00:57:02.239 --> 00:57:03.670
You're not supposed to ask that.
1073
00:57:04.420 --> 00:57:05.960
No, you put it out there.
1074
00:57:06.059 --> 00:57:11.010
I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking, right? So who am I?
1075
00:57:11.150 --> 00:57:14.269
I'm the light. Beautiful. Thank you.
1076
00:57:15.530 --> 00:57:18.980
So just as we close up, please let anyone know
1077
00:57:19.039 --> 00:57:21.840
where to reach you and to read your book.
1078
00:57:21.860 --> 00:57:25.079
Sure. Well, I think I sent you the link to
1079
00:57:25.119 --> 00:57:28.480
give to your audience, but there's three chapters there, right?
1080
00:57:29.119 --> 00:57:30.619
And we're not here to talk about the book anyway.
1081
00:57:30.659 --> 00:57:32.039
So if the people are like, what the hell is
1082
00:57:32.059 --> 00:57:34.800
this book about? So, you know, get the first three.
1083
00:57:35.099 --> 00:57:37.000
It's not the first three chapters. It's three chapters of
1084
00:57:37.039 --> 00:57:39.820
the book. It'll give you a sense of it. And
1085
00:57:39.860 --> 00:57:41.099
if you like that, then maybe you want to get
1086
00:57:41.119 --> 00:57:41.699
the rest of the book.
1087
00:57:42.659 --> 00:57:45.760
Beautiful. Thank you. And you can find all of his
1088
00:57:45.800 --> 00:57:51.150
links on the website. And yeah, So for today, I'm
1089
00:57:51.170 --> 00:57:52.800
just going to wrap it up because I know we
1090
00:57:52.820 --> 00:57:57.000
have to go. Thank you for a thrilling conversation. Have
1091
00:57:57.039 --> 00:58:00.579
a wonderful, everyone have a wonderful weekend. And I look
1092
00:58:00.599 --> 00:58:05.079
forward to seeing you again next week. Thank you, Dr. Stephen.
1093
00:58:05.179 --> 00:58:05.599
Thank you.
1094
00:58:05.619 --> 00:58:07.000
You're very welcome. It was a pleasure.
1095
00:58:09.730 --> 00:58:12.110
Thank you for listening to Skin and Soul with me, Gwenom.
1096
00:58:12.409 --> 00:58:15.820
Join me Fridays at 10 a.m. PST on Transformation Talk Radio.
1097
00:58:15.980 --> 00:58:19.019
Catch the podcast anytime on your favorite platforms. You can
1098
00:58:19.059 --> 00:58:22.360
follow me on Instagram at Louvology. Ready to take the
1099
00:58:22.409 --> 00:58:26.170
next step? Book a compatibility call with me at GwenomCarsley.com.