WEBVTT
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Welcome to the Realistic Romantic. I'm Drew,
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your romantic who is always realistic and never
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hopeless, here to help you navigate modern dating
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without losing yourself in the process. And today
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we have a listener calling in for some dating
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advice. So I don't know where this conversation
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is going to go, but we definitely know that it's
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going to get real. And so you can consider this.
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a sneak peek into what it's like to have one
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-on -one dating coaching with me. And hopefully
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we all learn something from the conversation.
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Because it turns out sometimes the thing that's
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keeping you stuck isn't the thing you necessarily
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had your initial question about. So let's go
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ahead and meet today's romantic. We have Erin
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joining us on the line. So Erin, do you want
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to take a minute to introduce yourself and...
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Give us a little overview of your current dating
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situation. Yeah. So currently dating in San Antonio,
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Texas. Been single -ish for about three years
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now. Okay. Single -ish. Single -ish. I've dated
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in the past and like I spent summers in Seattle,
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summer in Baltimore, and I dated a lot both of
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those places. But then every time I come back
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to San Antonio, it's kind of like nothing's really
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happening. Not much movement. So you're traveling
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a lot and kind of dating more while you travel
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versus dating at home? Yeah. Yeah. Dating more
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when I travel, trying to meet people organically
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here, using the apps here. Say like the first
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year I was single, I met more people than I did
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like the second year and now I guess going on
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the third year. I don't know if I'm trying to
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think. I don't think I've met anyone on the app
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in the past like on any of the apps in the past
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like year. Okay. So then these three years that
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you've been single, that's coming out of a longer
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term relationship? Yeah, it's coming out of a
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longer term relationship. The relationship was
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six -ish years, seven -ish years. Never moved
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in together, but pretty serious in how long it
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was. We didn't really have too many of those
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big conversations, but yeah. It was also my first
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official relationship too. Because before that,
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I had been single -ish as well. Okay. Cool, gotcha.
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So kind of like setting up, so like you're living
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in San Antonio, you're traveling a lot, you're
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traveling and dating more so while you're kind
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of like in vacation mode than like necessarily
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dating in like real life mode. Yeah. And then
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kind of coming off of like a six year relationship
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and now you've been single for like three years
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and like that first year after the relationship
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you kind of had like the most like dating action
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and then it's like kind of decreased until like
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where we are now. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so that's
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like the current situation. So like what's your
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biggest dating question or problem that you're
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like currently facing? I think probably the biggest
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problem that has been consistent for the past
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like three years I guess has been this like question
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about moving and like where I want to live. I
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think that's prevented me from being more serious
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with people. I think that's why that first year
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I was like dating. maybe I was like using the
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apps more as well that first year and like actually
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responding to people more and being more present
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and wanting to meet people and being a little
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bit more upfront about like I don't want anything
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serious right now I just want a date and now
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the past two years just there's a, I feel like
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there's a question mark over everything. Cause
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I'm like, do I want to live in San Antonio? And
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it's not even from a, it's a little bit of a
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dating pool perspective, right? But it's also
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just a overall like life perspective of do I
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want to be in San Antonio? And I don't want to
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date someone who's really committed to San Antonio
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and never plans to move or wants to move. Yeah.
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That's like funny. Cause like the episode that
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came out last week was about whether you should
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move for a better dating life. Yeah. So, yeah,
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kind of like what I'm hearing is when you have
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this question mark over whether you're going
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to continue living in San Antonio, it does make
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dating really difficult because you're not really
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sure that you're going to be there. So I think
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some of the bigger questions here are kind of
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like, what do you want for your larger life picture?
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Um, and then also kind of like what do you want
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like out of a relationship to or like out of
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like a partner? Because like one of the other
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things that I heard you say is like when you
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kind of came out of your like six -year relationship
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and were in that like first year of kind of dating
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and exploring on the apps you were kind of just
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like Dating to date and kind of just like exploring
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like what's out there, which is like good but
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what kind of like when we're like It's kind of
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like throwing everything at the wall and hoping
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something sticks versus having that clear picture
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of, this is what I want my life to look like.
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This is what I want my relationship to look like.
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This is what I value in a future partner. And
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then being able to be like, OK, these are the
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steps I need to take to get there, or I know
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what I'm looking for, so I just need to find
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it, versus having this big impending question
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of, well, what do I want from anything? Because
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then it makes it really hard to like. kind of
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nail that down and like find it like specifically.
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Right. And I think that first year out of dating,
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out of the serious relationship, I think that's
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what I, I mean, that was what I wanted at the
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time, right? I was like, I just want to date
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around and date for dating sake and not necessarily.
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I think that's why it's so much easier because
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it's that you're not to quote other parts of
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your podcast. It's not the like, looking at a
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job resume, I was just like, yeah, sure, let's
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go on a date. That sounds fun. Let's get coffee.
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And some were good and some were bad. And some
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were like, we finished it and we were like, okay,
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great. And then both mutually never talk to each
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other one ever again. That was also fine. And
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then that's like also like dating practice, which
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like you do kind of need dating practice like
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after you come out of a relationship. I say like
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the greeting period for like a relationship like.
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I, like, use the rough calculation of, like,
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one week for, like, every month you were together.
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I don't know the immediate math of that for six
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years. But there should be, like, there is a
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substantial chunk of time, like, that first year,
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like, out of a relationship where, like, you're
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taking time for yourself to kind of, like, know
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who you are outside of the relationship. And
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then, like, also, like, if you do start exploring
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dating, it's, like, more so about just kind of,
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like... practicing and kind of getting a sense
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of like what's out there and like what to do
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on a date versus really truly like looking for
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like that like future partner so it kind of makes
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sense that now that you've kind of like gotten
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over this like period this kind of like grieving
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regrouping period like after your long -term
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relationship that like now like three years later
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it is kind of more of like this question mark
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And kind of like, where do I go from here? Because
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it sounds like you're looking for something like
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a little bit more serious, but there's like a
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lot of like other kind of questions like at play.
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Yeah. And I mean, I think I know what I want.
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Like I've done a lot. I feel like I've done a
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lot of work as to the values I would like in
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a person and like to think that if I ever met
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that person, I would know it and be open to dating
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that person again, seriously. But yeah, there
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is just like this looming, okay, well, do I want
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to date? And when I was in Seattle and when I
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was in Baltimore, it was so easy to date. I think
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partially because I was very honest with people.
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It was like, I'm only, even if I wasn't necessarily
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upfront on the app about it, once we went on
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like a first date or something, I'd say, you
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know, I'm only here for the summer. And it's
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this like having an expiration date on it made
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it, I guess, like easier to date. Do you feel
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like when you're kind of like dating on these
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like summer vacations like essentially if you're
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like away for like I'm assuming like maybe two
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or three months for like the summer for like
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this like long -term kind of travel it really
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does become kind of like a summer fling because
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you know that there is like an end date and so
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like in a way that's taking like a lot of pressure
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off because like both for yourself and whoever
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you're going on a date with. They, both of you
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know that you don't have to necessarily get to
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that point of being vulnerable and it kind of
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like only like is for fun. So it takes a lot
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of pressure off, but then it also kind of eliminates
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like a lot of possibility like to go deeper.
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Yeah. And I think that when I thought about my
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dating life, that is something that comes up
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frequently is like being afraid to get vulnerable
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with people because Yeah. If you're having a
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summer fling, there's no vulnerability required
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for a summer fling. Because you have a built
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-in exit plan and a built -in threshold of how
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deep both parties are willing to go. I guess,
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speaking on vulnerability, you said you did some
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reflection. You have an idea of the person that
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you're looking for and their values. Do you want
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to get more specific about what that actually
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looks like? Yeah, I can. I have everything written
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down in a journal, so that's why I'm like flipping
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through. Okay, so prepared. You have to like
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write these things down sometimes. I mean, they're
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kind of more just like adjectives. I think attraction
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plays a factor, right? But looking for someone
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who's adventurous, caring, very driven, has like
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a sense of wanderlust. I've met a lot of people,
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especially here in San Antonio, which goes back
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to kind of like a should I move thing, that don't
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have Any desire to really travel a lot or like
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leave Texas, which is not a value that I hold
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myself. Yeah. Someone who's like intelligent,
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emotionally open. Yeah, so kind of like adjectives.
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Yeah, I think that's like a really good like
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starting list. I do think there is like a lot
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of room there to like get like more specific.
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I think like one the biggest thing that like
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stands out there like is this like sense of like
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adventure and travel and then I also like to
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kind of get into like the idea of like values
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based dating which one way to get like more specific
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about that is like there's like a test and it's
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called like the values bridge and it gives you
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like your top five values and there's like 16
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total and the way that values are defined in
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this case is like as the organizing principles
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of your life. And so, for example, like, family
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is a value, but family might not be the organizing
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principle of your life, so it might not make
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it into the top five, but that doesn't mean that
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you don't love your family. But one of the values
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that comes up is the value of scope, and that's
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like how big of a life that you want to live.
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And so... When you were talking about wanting
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someone who had this sense of adventure and wanderlust,
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and you're talking about your own extended travels
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and hitting this wall in San Antonio where you
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feel like a lot of people are very happy to stay
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put and don't necessarily want this bigger, more
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adventurous life. The value that pops up for
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me is that value of scope. And it's on a spectrum.
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It's people who have it as a very, very low value.
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Those are the people who are like, I want to
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live in my little house and I know that I'm going
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to live here for the next 50 years. Whereas people
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who have it super, super high. are the people
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who are like, I want to live in like a different
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country every year or just have like really big
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life -life adventures and like the sacrifice
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there is like maybe you're not like settled and
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rooted in a place and like maybe your life is
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like a little bit chaotic. So I think that that's
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one of the biggest things that kind of stands
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out and it does kind of feel like it's like a
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theme and kind of like what you're doing. It
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kind of makes sense like why you're shying away
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from like dating. at home in real life in like
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a town that also has like I'd say San Antonio
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as a city has like a lower scope because they
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feel like a lot of because obviously I lived
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in San Antonio too so I do think a lot of people
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in San Antonio are like very happy to like have
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like their comfort and this like sense of being
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rooted and like they're happy to like be where
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they're at. Obviously that's not everyone in
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San Antonio because like you and me don't necessarily
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have that and I feel like when you're like leaving
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and going away for the summer, you're having
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these experiences where you're kind of like,
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okay, I'm in a new place, anything can happen,
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and you're feeling more open to meeting people.
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But it is kind of this double -edged sword of
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you're feeling more open to meeting people and
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things are more exciting, but then you also put
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yourself in a situation where you are allowing
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yourself to not be vulnerable. So it's capitalizing
00:12:59.549 --> 00:13:01.730
on wanting to be adventurous, but then it's also
00:13:01.730 --> 00:13:04.029
kind of like... With the sense of adventure,
00:13:04.409 --> 00:13:06.590
you're also like allowing yourself to kind of
00:13:06.590 --> 00:13:09.590
like protect yourself from like getting super
00:13:09.590 --> 00:13:12.490
vulnerable at the same time. Yeah, it's very
00:13:12.490 --> 00:13:17.230
astute. I know the fear of vulnerability is definitely
00:13:17.230 --> 00:13:19.769
something that is like a theme. I don't know
00:13:19.769 --> 00:13:22.149
if it's been a theme the entire time I've like
00:13:22.149 --> 00:13:25.350
for my entire adult life and dating, but it is
00:13:25.350 --> 00:13:27.799
difficult to get vulnerable at times. for me.
00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:30.580
Yeah. Yeah. I think it's difficult for a lot
00:13:30.580 --> 00:13:32.899
of people, I think, especially in modern dating,
00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:36.360
so you're definitely not alone there. And I think
00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:40.240
part of it is recognizing those areas where you
00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:42.899
are kind of scared to get vulnerable and also
00:13:42.899 --> 00:13:44.940
seeing maybe some of the things that you're doing
00:13:44.940 --> 00:13:48.159
that are your forms of protection. And it is
00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:50.299
kind of funny that your form of protection is,
00:13:50.620 --> 00:13:53.100
in a sense, really putting yourself out there
00:13:53.100 --> 00:13:56.110
in these really kind of, I don't know. like in
00:13:56.110 --> 00:13:58.330
some instances like ways that you have to be
00:13:58.330 --> 00:14:00.129
vulnerable but you're just like not being like
00:14:00.129 --> 00:14:02.450
emotionally vulnerable like there is like a vulnerability
00:14:02.450 --> 00:14:04.570
to putting yourself in like a new situation and
00:14:04.570 --> 00:14:06.470
like traveling and experiencing new things and
00:14:06.470 --> 00:14:08.889
being out of your comfort zone but at the same
00:14:08.889 --> 00:14:12.029
time like that's kind of like also like allowing
00:14:12.029 --> 00:14:14.669
yourself to like keep this emotional vulnerability
00:14:14.669 --> 00:14:18.450
like kind of at bay yeah and like closed off
00:14:18.450 --> 00:14:21.250
because i don't know when you're like the new
00:14:21.250 --> 00:14:23.929
kid somewhere, like, you can be, like, anything.
00:14:24.149 --> 00:14:25.470
So there's also, like, a little bit of, like,
00:14:25.529 --> 00:14:28.090
a sense of, like, pretend. Mm -hmm. Yeah. No
00:14:28.090 --> 00:14:30.009
one knows you. You're not gonna run into anybody
00:14:30.009 --> 00:14:31.769
anywhere. That's probably actually one of the
00:14:31.769 --> 00:14:34.450
biggest problems is I'm... Yeah. ...in the bar
00:14:34.450 --> 00:14:36.590
scene a lot and just going on random dates with
00:14:36.590 --> 00:14:38.769
people. I'm like, we can't go to a place people
00:14:38.769 --> 00:14:41.450
are gonna know me. So... You could. People do
00:14:41.450 --> 00:14:45.070
that. I can't? No, I probably could. So what
00:14:45.070 --> 00:14:48.649
did, like... I feel like that's one big part
00:14:48.649 --> 00:14:52.000
of... Dating is this sense of scope and not wanting
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.460
to get vulnerable. But should that like what's
00:14:54.460 --> 00:14:57.879
the priority there the Well, I think it is also
00:14:57.879 --> 00:14:59.720
important to like recognize that like you could
00:14:59.720 --> 00:15:02.019
have like this really like large like sense of
00:15:02.019 --> 00:15:04.500
scope and like adventure and like still like
00:15:04.500 --> 00:15:08.200
be vulnerable and like there are definitely couples
00:15:08.200 --> 00:15:11.720
out there who initially like met on like a vacation
00:15:11.720 --> 00:15:13.759
or like they both like shared this love of traveling
00:15:13.759 --> 00:15:15.580
and like you like see these people and hear these
00:15:15.580 --> 00:15:18.419
stories of like Now they're digital nomads and
00:15:18.419 --> 00:15:20.740
they're traveling together. In a sense, if you
00:15:20.740 --> 00:15:24.159
were to partner up with someone who really shares
00:15:24.159 --> 00:15:27.820
this high -scope, high -adventure love of travel,
00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:31.240
in order to go through this journey together,
00:15:31.419 --> 00:15:33.740
you both would have to be very vulnerable, because
00:15:33.740 --> 00:15:36.960
the idea of traveling is already putting yourself
00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:41.429
mutually in vulnerable situations. Mm -hmm. Traveling
00:15:41.429 --> 00:15:43.210
is like can also be like that emotional kind
00:15:43.210 --> 00:15:45.289
of like pressure cooker to see like how you like
00:15:45.289 --> 00:15:48.070
react like under stress and like different environments
00:15:48.070 --> 00:15:51.029
and stuff. So it's like having to be like really
00:15:51.029 --> 00:15:53.350
open with your communication and like having
00:15:53.350 --> 00:15:55.470
to like work together when like problems come
00:15:55.470 --> 00:15:59.389
up and like all of that kind of stuff. So I do
00:15:59.389 --> 00:16:02.389
think that they can definitely coexist and like
00:16:02.389 --> 00:16:04.570
we kind of said before like I think doing these
00:16:04.570 --> 00:16:07.110
like extended summer trips like is does like
00:16:07.110 --> 00:16:09.350
require vulnerability on your part. You're just
00:16:09.350 --> 00:16:12.379
like not bringing like the emotional vulnerability
00:16:12.379 --> 00:16:15.799
like with you. What tips would you have on having
00:16:15.799 --> 00:16:19.080
like bringing more emotional vulnerability into
00:16:19.080 --> 00:16:22.580
those beginning parts of I guess like a relationship
00:16:22.580 --> 00:16:25.240
or meeting somebody? I mean like a big one is
00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:27.639
like communication. It's also like very vulnerable
00:16:27.639 --> 00:16:29.600
to like kind of start off and be like hey like
00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:31.899
I have an issue with vulnerability and that kind
00:16:31.899 --> 00:16:34.460
of like even that that's like very simple but
00:16:34.460 --> 00:16:36.850
that like kind of like cracks like the shell
00:16:36.850 --> 00:16:38.850
a little bit because like if you say that then
00:16:38.850 --> 00:16:41.549
like automatically all of your kind of like attempts
00:16:41.549 --> 00:16:44.850
to like shield away are gonna like already kind
00:16:44.850 --> 00:16:46.750
of be exposed because like if you're kind of
00:16:46.750 --> 00:16:48.389
putting it out there like I have an issue being
00:16:48.389 --> 00:16:49.950
vulnerable and like these are the ways that I
00:16:49.950 --> 00:16:52.649
typically shy away from like being totally open
00:16:52.649 --> 00:16:55.409
in a relationship well now the other person knows
00:16:55.409 --> 00:16:57.529
that and so like in a way that's like I think
00:16:57.529 --> 00:16:59.269
one of the best ways to kind of start breaking
00:16:59.269 --> 00:17:03.129
that down yeah because I feel like I end up people
00:17:03.129 --> 00:17:06.380
pleasing instead of yeah actually like being
00:17:06.380 --> 00:17:10.180
emotionally vulnerable and stating my wants which
00:17:10.180 --> 00:17:13.039
is I mean that's not even just like a relationship
00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:15.140
thing that comes down to a lot of different facets
00:17:15.140 --> 00:17:18.099
of my life. Yeah. Friendships work like everything
00:17:18.099 --> 00:17:20.839
so I think because of that I do shy away from
00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:22.799
vulnerability because I'm more of like a whatever's
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:26.799
wrong I can fix it it's fine it's okay everything's
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:30.279
gonna be great and don't. Yeah like very like
00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:33.880
geese maker quality. Yeah. And I mean, like,
00:17:34.039 --> 00:17:36.599
that's also, like, vulnerable to share. So, like,
00:17:36.700 --> 00:17:39.200
I think even kind of, like, sharing, like, that
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:41.920
on a date and, like, I think also kind of, like,
00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:44.579
the more, like, you make yourself aware of it,
00:17:44.579 --> 00:17:46.579
like, the more you can try to, like, kind of,
00:17:46.579 --> 00:17:48.720
like, stop it. And then always, like, if you're
00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:51.039
moving through a relationship and it, like, starts
00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:52.779
to get deeper, then, like, this is where we can
00:17:52.779 --> 00:17:54.420
kind of, like, start to, like, lean on our partners
00:17:54.420 --> 00:17:56.380
a little bit too. So it can kind of be, like,
00:17:56.640 --> 00:17:58.740
a situation of, like, hey, like, if you see,
00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:00.960
like, me trying to, like, do this, like, please,
00:18:00.980 --> 00:18:03.049
like... call me out on it or like maybe like
00:18:03.049 --> 00:18:05.130
sometimes like I might say something because
00:18:05.130 --> 00:18:07.150
I like don't want to like start a conflict and
00:18:07.150 --> 00:18:08.809
then I might like think about it later and come
00:18:08.809 --> 00:18:10.849
back at a later time and be like oh this is like
00:18:10.849 --> 00:18:12.809
how I actually feel and just kind of like saying
00:18:12.809 --> 00:18:14.650
like hey like this is like how my mind works
00:18:14.650 --> 00:18:16.190
like this is like something I'm trying to like
00:18:16.190 --> 00:18:19.089
work on like even that is kind of like setting
00:18:19.089 --> 00:18:21.250
up like some expectations and just like opening
00:18:21.250 --> 00:18:24.650
like more room for like communication. So I guess
00:18:24.650 --> 00:18:29.029
the like advice for today since since I have
00:18:29.029 --> 00:18:33.049
still this like looming question of scope in
00:18:33.049 --> 00:18:37.109
my life and where I want to be is Maybe like
00:18:37.109 --> 00:18:39.549
continue attempting to date like getting on the
00:18:39.549 --> 00:18:42.470
apps being open to meeting people in person But
00:18:42.470 --> 00:18:45.250
then also just being more vulnerable and I guess
00:18:45.250 --> 00:18:47.789
being more vulnerable and just telling people
00:18:47.789 --> 00:18:51.289
where I am I have this I think I've I think I've
00:18:51.289 --> 00:18:54.529
like shied away from Effectively using the apps
00:18:54.529 --> 00:18:57.970
here in San Antonio at least because I don't
00:18:57.970 --> 00:19:00.109
want to have to explain things about my life
00:19:00.109 --> 00:19:02.420
to people And I feel like at this point in time
00:19:02.420 --> 00:19:04.079
I would have to, like I'd meet up with them and
00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:06.640
they'd be like, what's going on? Which I was
00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:09.079
laid off, don't have a job, that's vulnerable
00:19:09.079 --> 00:19:11.500
thing I would have to talk about. Especially
00:19:11.500 --> 00:19:15.240
if one of my values is like being with someone
00:19:15.240 --> 00:19:17.259
that's hardworking and I think of myself as a
00:19:17.259 --> 00:19:19.160
hardworking person, but don't ask what I've been
00:19:19.160 --> 00:19:21.599
doing for the past like four months. Yeah, that's
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:23.480
like also something to navigate. And then like,
00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:25.200
yeah, for like the values, there is like also
00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:27.660
like a work centrism value, which like is like
00:19:27.660 --> 00:19:29.920
the value of like... working hard. There's also
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.099
like an achievement value which is like getting
00:19:32.099 --> 00:19:34.299
the recognition for working hard and I could
00:19:34.299 --> 00:19:37.480
definitely see those in you as well. I think
00:19:37.480 --> 00:19:40.740
while you're in this kind of like state of like
00:19:40.740 --> 00:19:44.079
limbo, I think what would be maybe more important
00:19:44.079 --> 00:19:46.339
or like more beneficial for you like right now
00:19:46.339 --> 00:19:49.140
is to like really kind of like map out the plan
00:19:49.140 --> 00:19:51.599
of like what you would really like for your life
00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:54.250
to look like and I'm hearing like a lot of like
00:19:54.250 --> 00:19:56.450
different things too that kind of like fall like
00:19:56.450 --> 00:19:59.210
outside of dating or it's like where do I really
00:19:59.210 --> 00:20:01.690
like want to be like living or like do you want
00:20:01.690 --> 00:20:03.529
to be living in like one place or do you want
00:20:03.529 --> 00:20:05.609
to kind of be having this like digital nomad
00:20:05.609 --> 00:20:08.329
kind of like lifestyle and then like where does
00:20:08.329 --> 00:20:11.740
like a job and work fit into that. So I think
00:20:11.740 --> 00:20:15.259
when we're looking at some of the dating issues
00:20:15.259 --> 00:20:17.680
that have come up, I think one really big one
00:20:17.680 --> 00:20:21.059
is maybe refining this list of values a little
00:20:21.059 --> 00:20:24.279
bit more. And I think also we've identified this
00:20:24.279 --> 00:20:28.039
super high value of scope in your life and finding
00:20:28.039 --> 00:20:30.650
someone who shares that. whether it's traveling
00:20:30.650 --> 00:20:34.430
or adventure or wanting this desire for a larger
00:20:34.430 --> 00:20:36.809
life. And then at the same time, I think there's
00:20:36.809 --> 00:20:40.690
probably a lot of room for you to tap more into
00:20:40.690 --> 00:20:43.589
your vulnerability when you're meeting someone
00:20:43.589 --> 00:20:47.369
and allowing yourself to be more open. But then
00:20:47.369 --> 00:20:49.990
on top of that, it seems like there are a lot
00:20:49.990 --> 00:20:53.170
of larger question marks in your life when it
00:20:53.170 --> 00:20:55.970
comes to where you're going to live or if you
00:20:55.970 --> 00:20:57.549
want to stay in the same city or if you want
00:20:57.549 --> 00:20:59.980
to be this digital nomad. and kind of like what's
00:20:59.980 --> 00:21:02.579
the next career move. And I think actually like
00:21:02.579 --> 00:21:06.960
for those. Being single is kind of your advantage
00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:09.640
because you have the opportunity right now to
00:21:09.640 --> 00:21:13.380
really map out exactly what you want your life
00:21:13.380 --> 00:21:16.579
to look like, completely for yourself, not having
00:21:16.579 --> 00:21:20.240
to worry about any other people in the equation.
00:21:20.839 --> 00:21:22.720
And I think that can kind of look like mapping
00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.319
out your larger life of what you want based on
00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:28.640
location or what kind of job you want. You can
00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:31.509
also kind of start mapping out, OK, who is this
00:21:31.509 --> 00:21:33.789
person that I'm, like, really looking for and,
00:21:33.789 --> 00:21:36.049
like, maybe, like, where are the opportunities
00:21:36.049 --> 00:21:38.369
that, like, I would, like, find them. And, like,
00:21:38.509 --> 00:21:41.410
maybe that's, like, I don't know. You have, like,
00:21:41.730 --> 00:21:43.390
literally, like, endless time right now, so,
00:21:43.390 --> 00:21:45.170
like, maybe this is, like, doing, like, a group
00:21:45.170 --> 00:21:48.329
trip to, like, Bali for, like, a month or something,
00:21:48.390 --> 00:21:50.990
and you, like, are around, like, a whole group
00:21:50.990 --> 00:21:54.509
of, like, other, like, adventurous people. So
00:21:54.509 --> 00:21:57.049
I would really start, like, looking at that,
00:21:57.049 --> 00:21:58.839
and I think kind of, like... figuring out what
00:21:58.839 --> 00:22:01.480
you want this larger picture of the next chapter
00:22:01.480 --> 00:22:04.319
of your life to look like, you're on an advantage
00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:06.099
being single, because you don't have to take
00:22:06.099 --> 00:22:08.240
anyone else into account but yourself. And I
00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:11.160
think that would open up a lot more room in your
00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:15.200
life, too, for these romantic interests to fall
00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:18.279
into place later. I do have to take my cats into
00:22:18.279 --> 00:22:20.539
account a little bit. Or you can take your cats
00:22:20.539 --> 00:22:25.420
into account. But that's it. Yeah, I think it
00:22:25.420 --> 00:22:29.759
is very much a whole life thing, which is unfortunate
00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:32.519
because I do feel like there's this societal
00:22:32.519 --> 00:22:35.539
pressure, right, for being married, having kids,
00:22:35.579 --> 00:22:37.619
like all those things. And not to say that I
00:22:37.619 --> 00:22:42.380
necessarily want all of those things, but it's
00:22:42.380 --> 00:22:47.200
like this life uprooted at 34 and you have to
00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:50.240
figure it out, but it is exciting to be single.
00:22:51.470 --> 00:22:54.869
Yeah, and it's like also kind of up to you to
00:22:54.869 --> 00:22:56.950
like figure out whether or not you like want
00:22:56.950 --> 00:22:58.450
those things for yourself because it doesn't
00:22:58.450 --> 00:23:01.730
necessarily matter what society or like anyone
00:23:01.730 --> 00:23:04.450
else thinks and then I think the more you kind
00:23:04.450 --> 00:23:07.309
of like focus on like the type of life that you
00:23:07.309 --> 00:23:10.289
like want to be living for yourself I think it'll
00:23:10.289 --> 00:23:14.069
solve some of the problems of finding the people
00:23:14.069 --> 00:23:16.769
who feel similar to that. Because I think when
00:23:16.769 --> 00:23:19.109
you kind of start like putting yourself in these
00:23:19.109 --> 00:23:22.369
like places or situations where you're like truly
00:23:22.369 --> 00:23:24.430
living out like your values and what you want,
00:23:24.549 --> 00:23:26.349
like you're going to naturally just meet more
00:23:26.349 --> 00:23:28.569
people who align with you. So I think that's
00:23:28.569 --> 00:23:30.690
step one. I think that would make a lot of the
00:23:30.690 --> 00:23:32.910
romantic and dating stuff easier when it's like
00:23:32.910 --> 00:23:35.829
time for step two. Yeah. Also, could you send
00:23:35.829 --> 00:23:38.170
me or do you have a link for that? Well, the
00:23:38.170 --> 00:23:40.509
values bridge that you were talking about? What
00:23:40.509 --> 00:23:42.809
was it called? Yeah. the values bridge, I can
00:23:42.809 --> 00:23:44.809
send you the link for it and I can add the link
00:23:44.809 --> 00:23:47.670
for the show description for everyone else. Okay,
00:23:47.849 --> 00:23:50.390
perfect. I feel like that's touching on a lot
00:23:50.390 --> 00:23:53.730
of the, like, themes that I have with my dating.
00:23:54.190 --> 00:23:56.710
I think there's also a lot of, like, it's all
00:23:56.710 --> 00:23:59.289
coming from, like, this vulnerability thing that
00:23:59.289 --> 00:24:01.190
we were talking about that you talked about.
00:24:01.630 --> 00:24:05.240
Yeah. Yeah, I think your priorities right now
00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:08.240
are to like embrace like the opportunity you
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:11.000
have right now being single to kind of like really
00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:13.440
like map out exactly what you want for like the
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:15.839
next chapter of your life and like do it completely
00:24:15.839 --> 00:24:18.900
just with like yourself as the focus. I would
00:24:18.900 --> 00:24:21.240
personally probably put dating on pause, even
00:24:21.240 --> 00:24:22.960
if like you are just kind of like dating for
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.710
fun. there is always the opportunity where it
00:24:26.710 --> 00:24:28.329
like comes up and like maybe you meet someone
00:24:28.329 --> 00:24:29.890
and you date for three months and then like you
00:24:29.890 --> 00:24:31.430
have a job offer come in and you're like well
00:24:31.430 --> 00:24:33.349
do I want to move for this job offer or do I
00:24:33.349 --> 00:24:35.529
want to try to decide like is this three month
00:24:35.529 --> 00:24:38.849
relationship worth staying put for? So it kind
00:24:38.849 --> 00:24:41.789
of adds some like unnecessary questions and like
00:24:41.789 --> 00:24:43.609
some friction that you don't really need right
00:24:43.609 --> 00:24:47.319
now. And I think once you have this larger vision
00:24:47.319 --> 00:24:50.559
mapped out for your next chapter, once you're
00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:52.579
in that place and happy with it, I think that's
00:24:52.579 --> 00:24:54.779
when you can start dating again. And I think
00:24:54.779 --> 00:24:58.119
that's really the time to start refining more
00:24:58.119 --> 00:25:00.180
and get more specific about your values and what
00:25:00.180 --> 00:25:03.200
you're looking for. And then as you start meeting
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:05.539
these new people who are more aligned, really
00:25:05.539 --> 00:25:08.259
making that effort. The third thing, which is
00:25:08.259 --> 00:25:10.940
like being more open and being more vulnerable
00:25:10.940 --> 00:25:13.180
in like your relationships. The dating for fun
00:25:13.180 --> 00:25:16.799
is so fun. Dating for fun is fun, but it can
00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:20.779
also be distracting. It can be distracting. Also,
00:25:20.799 --> 00:25:22.940
sometimes it's not fun. There's a lot of like
00:25:22.940 --> 00:25:25.599
dating horror stories. I feel like. Yeah, it's
00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:29.579
not fun for a lot of people. Yeah. I think like
00:25:29.579 --> 00:25:31.299
right now for you, I think like ultimately would
00:25:31.299 --> 00:25:34.599
be like more distracting than fun. Yeah, I mean,
00:25:34.599 --> 00:25:37.480
it probably it would. I can definitely see that.
00:25:37.880 --> 00:25:41.180
And I guess this is very much realistic romantic
00:25:41.180 --> 00:25:42.880
instead of hopeless romantic, because I feel
00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:44.960
like the hopeless romantic would be like, just
00:25:44.960 --> 00:25:48.019
date and you'll find someone and then like your
00:25:48.019 --> 00:25:51.220
life will fall into place as it's supposed to
00:25:51.220 --> 00:25:54.579
be. Yeah, another realistic approach is definitely
00:25:54.579 --> 00:25:57.900
like you're in control of making your life what
00:25:57.900 --> 00:26:00.660
you want. It's not going to fall into place just
00:26:00.660 --> 00:26:03.259
because you need someone else and If it did,
00:26:03.400 --> 00:26:05.160
that's also not going to be like the best life
00:26:05.160 --> 00:26:06.500
that you could live because it's not the life
00:26:06.500 --> 00:26:10.519
that you chose. These are all good points. Well,
00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:14.380
I hope this has been helpful. Do you have any
00:26:14.380 --> 00:26:16.599
kind of like concluding thoughts or like any
00:26:16.599 --> 00:26:19.019
last questions before we go? Nothing right now.
00:26:19.079 --> 00:26:22.140
I think the like biggest like lesson and takeaway
00:26:22.140 --> 00:26:24.400
that I want you and everyone else who's like
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:28.410
listening to have is we... like really like the
00:26:28.410 --> 00:26:30.990
foundation of dating is like first like really
00:26:30.990 --> 00:26:34.250
getting happy with yourself and like making sure
00:26:34.250 --> 00:26:35.970
that you're like you're in a place where like
00:26:35.970 --> 00:26:38.349
you're showing up fully for yourself and you're
00:26:38.349 --> 00:26:40.069
like really taking the steps to like have the
00:26:40.069 --> 00:26:41.970
life that you want because like really like we
00:26:41.970 --> 00:26:44.410
need to be like in that place to show up for
00:26:44.410 --> 00:26:46.609
someone else and like have that really good like
00:26:46.609 --> 00:26:49.109
foundation for like starting a relationship and
00:26:49.109 --> 00:26:52.059
yeah sometimes Single being single can be your
00:26:52.059 --> 00:26:54.039
advantage. I think right now like being single
00:26:54.039 --> 00:26:56.180
is like a huge advantage for you I think it is
00:26:56.180 --> 00:26:59.480
a huge advantage and I think you are very correct
00:26:59.480 --> 00:27:03.460
So cool. Oh, I'm glad this was helpful and then
00:27:03.460 --> 00:27:07.539
for everyone else Thank you for tuning in on
00:27:07.539 --> 00:27:10.500
Aaron and I's conversation today And before you
00:27:10.500 --> 00:27:13.359
go make sure you're following the realistic romantic
00:27:13.799 --> 00:27:16.079
on whatever podcast platform you're listening
00:27:16.079 --> 00:27:18.740
to. If you want to leave a comment, a rating,
00:27:19.059 --> 00:27:21.339
subscribe, all of these things really help me
00:27:21.339 --> 00:27:24.039
out as we're building the Realistic Romantic
00:27:24.039 --> 00:27:26.599
channel. And if you want more Realistic Romantic
00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:29.480
in your day -to -day life, you can also follow
00:27:29.480 --> 00:27:33.920
along on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Substack
00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:37.039
all at The Realistic Romantic. And you can also
00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:40.420
visit therealisticromantic .com where you can
00:27:40.420 --> 00:27:43.420
sign up for a dating profile audit. You can download
00:27:43.420 --> 00:27:46.509
the Realistic Romantic app. for less than the
00:27:46.509 --> 00:27:49.130
price of a cup of coffee at a bad coffee date.
00:27:49.349 --> 00:27:51.710
And you can also inquire about one -on -one coaching,
00:27:51.950 --> 00:27:54.569
which looks a lot like what we did here today.
00:27:54.730 --> 00:27:58.069
And if you have your own dating dilemma, you
00:27:58.069 --> 00:28:02.029
can always feel free to write in at heyrealisticromanticatgmail
00:28:02.029 --> 00:28:05.670
.com. That's heyrealisticromanticatgmail .com.
00:28:05.849 --> 00:28:09.549
And until next time, stay realistic and date
00:28:09.549 --> 00:28:10.490
without delusion.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.120
Welcome to the Realistic Romantic. I'm Drew,
00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:04.679
your romantic who is always realistic and never
00:00:04.679 --> 00:00:06.799
hopeless, here to help you navigate modern dating
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:09.740
without losing yourself in the process. And today
00:00:09.740 --> 00:00:13.400
we have a listener calling in for some dating
00:00:13.400 --> 00:00:15.960
advice. So I don't know where this conversation
00:00:15.960 --> 00:00:19.019
is going to go, but we definitely know that it's
00:00:19.019 --> 00:00:22.059
going to get real. And so you can consider this.
00:00:22.190 --> 00:00:25.089
a sneak peek into what it's like to have one
00:00:25.089 --> 00:00:27.010
-on -one dating coaching with me. And hopefully
00:00:27.010 --> 00:00:29.489
we all learn something from the conversation.
00:00:29.969 --> 00:00:31.769
Because it turns out sometimes the thing that's
00:00:31.769 --> 00:00:34.130
keeping you stuck isn't the thing you necessarily
00:00:34.130 --> 00:00:37.130
had your initial question about. So let's go
00:00:37.130 --> 00:00:42.070
ahead and meet today's romantic. We have Erin
00:00:42.070 --> 00:00:44.549
joining us on the line. So Erin, do you want
00:00:44.549 --> 00:00:46.950
to take a minute to introduce yourself and...
00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:48.719
Give us a little overview of your current dating
00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:53.939
situation. Yeah. So currently dating in San Antonio,
00:00:53.939 --> 00:00:58.600
Texas. Been single -ish for about three years
00:00:58.600 --> 00:01:03.219
now. Okay. Single -ish. Single -ish. I've dated
00:01:03.219 --> 00:01:06.700
in the past and like I spent summers in Seattle,
00:01:06.799 --> 00:01:09.439
summer in Baltimore, and I dated a lot both of
00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:11.640
those places. But then every time I come back
00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:14.159
to San Antonio, it's kind of like nothing's really
00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:17.359
happening. Not much movement. So you're traveling
00:01:17.359 --> 00:01:19.700
a lot and kind of dating more while you travel
00:01:19.700 --> 00:01:23.640
versus dating at home? Yeah. Yeah. Dating more
00:01:23.640 --> 00:01:25.760
when I travel, trying to meet people organically
00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:28.840
here, using the apps here. Say like the first
00:01:28.840 --> 00:01:33.420
year I was single, I met more people than I did
00:01:33.420 --> 00:01:36.500
like the second year and now I guess going on
00:01:36.500 --> 00:01:40.359
the third year. I don't know if I'm trying to
00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:42.739
think. I don't think I've met anyone on the app
00:01:42.739 --> 00:01:44.739
in the past like on any of the apps in the past
00:01:44.739 --> 00:01:48.040
like year. Okay. So then these three years that
00:01:48.040 --> 00:01:51.060
you've been single, that's coming out of a longer
00:01:51.060 --> 00:01:52.959
term relationship? Yeah, it's coming out of a
00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:55.799
longer term relationship. The relationship was
00:01:55.799 --> 00:01:59.019
six -ish years, seven -ish years. Never moved
00:01:59.019 --> 00:02:02.219
in together, but pretty serious in how long it
00:02:02.219 --> 00:02:04.359
was. We didn't really have too many of those
00:02:04.359 --> 00:02:08.180
big conversations, but yeah. It was also my first
00:02:08.180 --> 00:02:11.860
official relationship too. Because before that,
00:02:11.860 --> 00:02:15.909
I had been single -ish as well. Okay. Cool, gotcha.
00:02:15.990 --> 00:02:17.629
So kind of like setting up, so like you're living
00:02:17.629 --> 00:02:20.349
in San Antonio, you're traveling a lot, you're
00:02:20.349 --> 00:02:23.229
traveling and dating more so while you're kind
00:02:23.229 --> 00:02:26.349
of like in vacation mode than like necessarily
00:02:26.349 --> 00:02:30.710
dating in like real life mode. Yeah. And then
00:02:30.710 --> 00:02:33.030
kind of coming off of like a six year relationship
00:02:33.030 --> 00:02:35.030
and now you've been single for like three years
00:02:35.030 --> 00:02:37.310
and like that first year after the relationship
00:02:37.310 --> 00:02:40.050
you kind of had like the most like dating action
00:02:40.050 --> 00:02:41.949
and then it's like kind of decreased until like
00:02:41.949 --> 00:02:44.949
where we are now. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so that's
00:02:44.949 --> 00:02:47.349
like the current situation. So like what's your
00:02:47.349 --> 00:02:50.830
biggest dating question or problem that you're
00:02:50.830 --> 00:02:54.409
like currently facing? I think probably the biggest
00:02:54.409 --> 00:02:57.490
problem that has been consistent for the past
00:02:57.490 --> 00:03:01.949
like three years I guess has been this like question
00:03:01.949 --> 00:03:04.770
about moving and like where I want to live. I
00:03:04.770 --> 00:03:08.009
think that's prevented me from being more serious
00:03:08.009 --> 00:03:09.629
with people. I think that's why that first year
00:03:09.629 --> 00:03:12.759
I was like dating. maybe I was like using the
00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:15.340
apps more as well that first year and like actually
00:03:15.340 --> 00:03:17.759
responding to people more and being more present
00:03:17.759 --> 00:03:20.900
and wanting to meet people and being a little
00:03:20.900 --> 00:03:22.879
bit more upfront about like I don't want anything
00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:26.060
serious right now I just want a date and now
00:03:26.060 --> 00:03:29.479
the past two years just there's a, I feel like
00:03:29.479 --> 00:03:31.039
there's a question mark over everything. Cause
00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:33.039
I'm like, do I want to live in San Antonio? And
00:03:33.039 --> 00:03:35.240
it's not even from a, it's a little bit of a
00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:38.500
dating pool perspective, right? But it's also
00:03:38.500 --> 00:03:41.620
just a overall like life perspective of do I
00:03:41.620 --> 00:03:43.340
want to be in San Antonio? And I don't want to
00:03:43.340 --> 00:03:46.039
date someone who's really committed to San Antonio
00:03:46.039 --> 00:03:49.520
and never plans to move or wants to move. Yeah.
00:03:49.659 --> 00:03:51.860
That's like funny. Cause like the episode that
00:03:51.860 --> 00:03:55.699
came out last week was about whether you should
00:03:55.699 --> 00:04:00.979
move for a better dating life. Yeah. So, yeah,
00:04:01.099 --> 00:04:04.599
kind of like what I'm hearing is when you have
00:04:04.599 --> 00:04:07.520
this question mark over whether you're going
00:04:07.520 --> 00:04:10.659
to continue living in San Antonio, it does make
00:04:10.659 --> 00:04:13.560
dating really difficult because you're not really
00:04:13.560 --> 00:04:15.340
sure that you're going to be there. So I think
00:04:15.340 --> 00:04:18.540
some of the bigger questions here are kind of
00:04:18.540 --> 00:04:23.779
like, what do you want for your larger life picture?
00:04:24.759 --> 00:04:27.920
Um, and then also kind of like what do you want
00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:30.819
like out of a relationship to or like out of
00:04:30.819 --> 00:04:33.079
like a partner? Because like one of the other
00:04:33.079 --> 00:04:34.560
things that I heard you say is like when you
00:04:34.560 --> 00:04:36.519
kind of came out of your like six -year relationship
00:04:36.519 --> 00:04:39.439
and were in that like first year of kind of dating
00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:41.160
and exploring on the apps you were kind of just
00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:44.360
like Dating to date and kind of just like exploring
00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:46.600
like what's out there, which is like good but
00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:48.899
what kind of like when we're like It's kind of
00:04:48.899 --> 00:04:51.240
like throwing everything at the wall and hoping
00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:53.899
something sticks versus having that clear picture
00:04:53.899 --> 00:04:56.000
of, this is what I want my life to look like.
00:04:56.060 --> 00:04:58.100
This is what I want my relationship to look like.
00:04:58.160 --> 00:05:00.120
This is what I value in a future partner. And
00:05:00.120 --> 00:05:02.720
then being able to be like, OK, these are the
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:04.579
steps I need to take to get there, or I know
00:05:04.579 --> 00:05:06.579
what I'm looking for, so I just need to find
00:05:06.579 --> 00:05:10.459
it, versus having this big impending question
00:05:10.459 --> 00:05:13.279
of, well, what do I want from anything? Because
00:05:13.279 --> 00:05:15.410
then it makes it really hard to like. kind of
00:05:15.410 --> 00:05:17.430
nail that down and like find it like specifically.
00:05:17.870 --> 00:05:20.529
Right. And I think that first year out of dating,
00:05:20.829 --> 00:05:24.750
out of the serious relationship, I think that's
00:05:24.750 --> 00:05:26.529
what I, I mean, that was what I wanted at the
00:05:26.529 --> 00:05:29.250
time, right? I was like, I just want to date
00:05:29.250 --> 00:05:32.189
around and date for dating sake and not necessarily.
00:05:32.850 --> 00:05:34.990
I think that's why it's so much easier because
00:05:34.990 --> 00:05:39.470
it's that you're not to quote other parts of
00:05:39.470 --> 00:05:43.579
your podcast. It's not the like, looking at a
00:05:43.579 --> 00:05:45.600
job resume, I was just like, yeah, sure, let's
00:05:45.600 --> 00:05:47.480
go on a date. That sounds fun. Let's get coffee.
00:05:47.899 --> 00:05:52.300
And some were good and some were bad. And some
00:05:52.300 --> 00:05:54.480
were like, we finished it and we were like, okay,
00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:57.439
great. And then both mutually never talk to each
00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:00.759
other one ever again. That was also fine. And
00:06:00.759 --> 00:06:02.819
then that's like also like dating practice, which
00:06:02.819 --> 00:06:04.600
like you do kind of need dating practice like
00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:07.060
after you come out of a relationship. I say like
00:06:07.060 --> 00:06:09.379
the greeting period for like a relationship like.
00:06:09.889 --> 00:06:12.230
I, like, use the rough calculation of, like,
00:06:12.490 --> 00:06:16.189
one week for, like, every month you were together.
00:06:16.269 --> 00:06:19.649
I don't know the immediate math of that for six
00:06:19.649 --> 00:06:21.870
years. But there should be, like, there is a
00:06:21.870 --> 00:06:25.069
substantial chunk of time, like, that first year,
00:06:25.069 --> 00:06:27.110
like, out of a relationship where, like, you're
00:06:27.110 --> 00:06:28.930
taking time for yourself to kind of, like, know
00:06:28.930 --> 00:06:30.810
who you are outside of the relationship. And
00:06:30.810 --> 00:06:32.949
then, like, also, like, if you do start exploring
00:06:32.949 --> 00:06:35.310
dating, it's, like, more so about just kind of,
00:06:35.310 --> 00:06:37.370
like... practicing and kind of getting a sense
00:06:37.370 --> 00:06:39.470
of like what's out there and like what to do
00:06:39.470 --> 00:06:42.810
on a date versus really truly like looking for
00:06:42.810 --> 00:06:45.410
like that like future partner so it kind of makes
00:06:45.410 --> 00:06:47.689
sense that now that you've kind of like gotten
00:06:47.689 --> 00:06:50.889
over this like period this kind of like grieving
00:06:50.889 --> 00:06:53.290
regrouping period like after your long -term
00:06:53.290 --> 00:06:55.750
relationship that like now like three years later
00:06:55.750 --> 00:06:58.050
it is kind of more of like this question mark
00:06:58.120 --> 00:07:01.680
And kind of like, where do I go from here? Because
00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:03.600
it sounds like you're looking for something like
00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:05.579
a little bit more serious, but there's like a
00:07:05.579 --> 00:07:08.040
lot of like other kind of questions like at play.
00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:12.560
Yeah. And I mean, I think I know what I want.
00:07:12.600 --> 00:07:14.339
Like I've done a lot. I feel like I've done a
00:07:14.339 --> 00:07:17.500
lot of work as to the values I would like in
00:07:17.500 --> 00:07:20.800
a person and like to think that if I ever met
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:25.540
that person, I would know it and be open to dating
00:07:25.540 --> 00:07:30.250
that person again, seriously. But yeah, there
00:07:30.250 --> 00:07:33.529
is just like this looming, okay, well, do I want
00:07:33.529 --> 00:07:35.449
to date? And when I was in Seattle and when I
00:07:35.449 --> 00:07:39.430
was in Baltimore, it was so easy to date. I think
00:07:39.430 --> 00:07:42.370
partially because I was very honest with people.
00:07:42.410 --> 00:07:45.149
It was like, I'm only, even if I wasn't necessarily
00:07:45.149 --> 00:07:47.089
upfront on the app about it, once we went on
00:07:47.089 --> 00:07:49.029
like a first date or something, I'd say, you
00:07:49.029 --> 00:07:51.250
know, I'm only here for the summer. And it's
00:07:51.250 --> 00:07:54.110
this like having an expiration date on it made
00:07:54.110 --> 00:07:57.720
it, I guess, like easier to date. Do you feel
00:07:57.720 --> 00:08:00.120
like when you're kind of like dating on these
00:08:00.120 --> 00:08:03.060
like summer vacations like essentially if you're
00:08:03.060 --> 00:08:05.600
like away for like I'm assuming like maybe two
00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:07.540
or three months for like the summer for like
00:08:07.540 --> 00:08:10.019
this like long -term kind of travel it really
00:08:10.019 --> 00:08:12.660
does become kind of like a summer fling because
00:08:12.660 --> 00:08:14.800
you know that there is like an end date and so
00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:17.519
like in a way that's taking like a lot of pressure
00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:21.079
off because like both for yourself and whoever
00:08:21.079 --> 00:08:23.660
you're going on a date with. They, both of you
00:08:23.660 --> 00:08:26.079
know that you don't have to necessarily get to
00:08:26.079 --> 00:08:28.379
that point of being vulnerable and it kind of
00:08:28.379 --> 00:08:31.500
like only like is for fun. So it takes a lot
00:08:31.500 --> 00:08:33.580
of pressure off, but then it also kind of eliminates
00:08:33.580 --> 00:08:36.100
like a lot of possibility like to go deeper.
00:08:36.139 --> 00:08:39.840
Yeah. And I think that when I thought about my
00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:42.080
dating life, that is something that comes up
00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:44.899
frequently is like being afraid to get vulnerable
00:08:44.899 --> 00:08:48.110
with people because Yeah. If you're having a
00:08:48.110 --> 00:08:51.250
summer fling, there's no vulnerability required
00:08:51.250 --> 00:08:54.149
for a summer fling. Because you have a built
00:08:54.149 --> 00:08:59.330
-in exit plan and a built -in threshold of how
00:08:59.330 --> 00:09:01.809
deep both parties are willing to go. I guess,
00:09:02.330 --> 00:09:04.789
speaking on vulnerability, you said you did some
00:09:04.789 --> 00:09:07.769
reflection. You have an idea of the person that
00:09:07.769 --> 00:09:10.470
you're looking for and their values. Do you want
00:09:10.470 --> 00:09:13.129
to get more specific about what that actually
00:09:13.129 --> 00:09:16.779
looks like? Yeah, I can. I have everything written
00:09:16.779 --> 00:09:19.039
down in a journal, so that's why I'm like flipping
00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:22.220
through. Okay, so prepared. You have to like
00:09:22.220 --> 00:09:24.139
write these things down sometimes. I mean, they're
00:09:24.139 --> 00:09:26.940
kind of more just like adjectives. I think attraction
00:09:26.940 --> 00:09:31.500
plays a factor, right? But looking for someone
00:09:31.500 --> 00:09:35.820
who's adventurous, caring, very driven, has like
00:09:35.820 --> 00:09:37.980
a sense of wanderlust. I've met a lot of people,
00:09:38.100 --> 00:09:40.159
especially here in San Antonio, which goes back
00:09:40.159 --> 00:09:43.440
to kind of like a should I move thing, that don't
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:48.740
have Any desire to really travel a lot or like
00:09:48.740 --> 00:09:54.279
leave Texas, which is not a value that I hold
00:09:54.279 --> 00:09:59.200
myself. Yeah. Someone who's like intelligent,
00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:02.860
emotionally open. Yeah, so kind of like adjectives.
00:10:03.639 --> 00:10:05.919
Yeah, I think that's like a really good like
00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:08.720
starting list. I do think there is like a lot
00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:11.700
of room there to like get like more specific.
00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:14.379
I think like one the biggest thing that like
00:10:14.379 --> 00:10:18.019
stands out there like is this like sense of like
00:10:18.019 --> 00:10:21.600
adventure and travel and then I also like to
00:10:21.600 --> 00:10:23.759
kind of get into like the idea of like values
00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:26.480
based dating which one way to get like more specific
00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:29.120
about that is like there's like a test and it's
00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:30.899
called like the values bridge and it gives you
00:10:30.899 --> 00:10:33.200
like your top five values and there's like 16
00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:36.779
total and the way that values are defined in
00:10:36.779 --> 00:10:39.759
this case is like as the organizing principles
00:10:39.759 --> 00:10:43.399
of your life. And so, for example, like, family
00:10:43.399 --> 00:10:47.120
is a value, but family might not be the organizing
00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:49.080
principle of your life, so it might not make
00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:51.360
it into the top five, but that doesn't mean that
00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:54.700
you don't love your family. But one of the values
00:10:54.700 --> 00:10:58.059
that comes up is the value of scope, and that's
00:10:58.059 --> 00:11:00.039
like how big of a life that you want to live.
00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:02.419
And so... When you were talking about wanting
00:11:02.419 --> 00:11:05.539
someone who had this sense of adventure and wanderlust,
00:11:05.700 --> 00:11:08.960
and you're talking about your own extended travels
00:11:08.960 --> 00:11:11.639
and hitting this wall in San Antonio where you
00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:14.460
feel like a lot of people are very happy to stay
00:11:14.460 --> 00:11:18.059
put and don't necessarily want this bigger, more
00:11:18.059 --> 00:11:21.039
adventurous life. The value that pops up for
00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:27.000
me is that value of scope. And it's on a spectrum.
00:11:27.659 --> 00:11:30.480
It's people who have it as a very, very low value.
00:11:30.700 --> 00:11:33.179
Those are the people who are like, I want to
00:11:33.179 --> 00:11:35.500
live in my little house and I know that I'm going
00:11:35.500 --> 00:11:37.919
to live here for the next 50 years. Whereas people
00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:40.940
who have it super, super high. are the people
00:11:40.940 --> 00:11:43.440
who are like, I want to live in like a different
00:11:43.440 --> 00:11:47.059
country every year or just have like really big
00:11:47.059 --> 00:11:49.480
life -life adventures and like the sacrifice
00:11:49.480 --> 00:11:52.120
there is like maybe you're not like settled and
00:11:52.120 --> 00:11:54.179
rooted in a place and like maybe your life is
00:11:54.179 --> 00:11:56.480
like a little bit chaotic. So I think that that's
00:11:56.480 --> 00:11:57.899
one of the biggest things that kind of stands
00:11:57.899 --> 00:12:00.539
out and it does kind of feel like it's like a
00:12:00.539 --> 00:12:03.740
theme and kind of like what you're doing. It
00:12:03.740 --> 00:12:06.960
kind of makes sense like why you're shying away
00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:11.799
from like dating. at home in real life in like
00:12:11.799 --> 00:12:14.500
a town that also has like I'd say San Antonio
00:12:14.500 --> 00:12:17.000
as a city has like a lower scope because they
00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:18.600
feel like a lot of because obviously I lived
00:12:18.600 --> 00:12:20.539
in San Antonio too so I do think a lot of people
00:12:20.539 --> 00:12:23.019
in San Antonio are like very happy to like have
00:12:23.019 --> 00:12:26.480
like their comfort and this like sense of being
00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:28.379
rooted and like they're happy to like be where
00:12:28.379 --> 00:12:31.179
they're at. Obviously that's not everyone in
00:12:31.179 --> 00:12:33.759
San Antonio because like you and me don't necessarily
00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:36.490
have that and I feel like when you're like leaving
00:12:36.490 --> 00:12:38.490
and going away for the summer, you're having
00:12:38.490 --> 00:12:40.309
these experiences where you're kind of like,
00:12:40.429 --> 00:12:42.149
okay, I'm in a new place, anything can happen,
00:12:42.269 --> 00:12:44.409
and you're feeling more open to meeting people.
00:12:44.950 --> 00:12:48.049
But it is kind of this double -edged sword of
00:12:48.049 --> 00:12:50.190
you're feeling more open to meeting people and
00:12:50.190 --> 00:12:52.289
things are more exciting, but then you also put
00:12:52.289 --> 00:12:55.990
yourself in a situation where you are allowing
00:12:55.990 --> 00:12:59.549
yourself to not be vulnerable. So it's capitalizing
00:12:59.549 --> 00:13:01.730
on wanting to be adventurous, but then it's also
00:13:01.730 --> 00:13:04.029
kind of like... With the sense of adventure,
00:13:04.409 --> 00:13:06.590
you're also like allowing yourself to kind of
00:13:06.590 --> 00:13:09.590
like protect yourself from like getting super
00:13:09.590 --> 00:13:12.490
vulnerable at the same time. Yeah, it's very
00:13:12.490 --> 00:13:17.230
astute. I know the fear of vulnerability is definitely
00:13:17.230 --> 00:13:19.769
something that is like a theme. I don't know
00:13:19.769 --> 00:13:22.149
if it's been a theme the entire time I've like
00:13:22.149 --> 00:13:25.350
for my entire adult life and dating, but it is
00:13:25.350 --> 00:13:27.799
difficult to get vulnerable at times. for me.
00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:30.580
Yeah. Yeah. I think it's difficult for a lot
00:13:30.580 --> 00:13:32.899
of people, I think, especially in modern dating,
00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:36.360
so you're definitely not alone there. And I think
00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:40.240
part of it is recognizing those areas where you
00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:42.899
are kind of scared to get vulnerable and also
00:13:42.899 --> 00:13:44.940
seeing maybe some of the things that you're doing
00:13:44.940 --> 00:13:48.159
that are your forms of protection. And it is
00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:50.299
kind of funny that your form of protection is,
00:13:50.620 --> 00:13:53.100
in a sense, really putting yourself out there
00:13:53.100 --> 00:13:56.110
in these really kind of, I don't know. like in
00:13:56.110 --> 00:13:58.330
some instances like ways that you have to be
00:13:58.330 --> 00:14:00.129
vulnerable but you're just like not being like
00:14:00.129 --> 00:14:02.450
emotionally vulnerable like there is like a vulnerability
00:14:02.450 --> 00:14:04.570
to putting yourself in like a new situation and
00:14:04.570 --> 00:14:06.470
like traveling and experiencing new things and
00:14:06.470 --> 00:14:08.889
being out of your comfort zone but at the same
00:14:08.889 --> 00:14:12.029
time like that's kind of like also like allowing
00:14:12.029 --> 00:14:14.669
yourself to like keep this emotional vulnerability
00:14:14.669 --> 00:14:18.450
like kind of at bay yeah and like closed off
00:14:18.450 --> 00:14:21.250
because i don't know when you're like the new
00:14:21.250 --> 00:14:23.929
kid somewhere, like, you can be, like, anything.
00:14:24.149 --> 00:14:25.470
So there's also, like, a little bit of, like,
00:14:25.529 --> 00:14:28.090
a sense of, like, pretend. Mm -hmm. Yeah. No
00:14:28.090 --> 00:14:30.009
one knows you. You're not gonna run into anybody
00:14:30.009 --> 00:14:31.769
anywhere. That's probably actually one of the
00:14:31.769 --> 00:14:34.450
biggest problems is I'm... Yeah. ...in the bar
00:14:34.450 --> 00:14:36.590
scene a lot and just going on random dates with
00:14:36.590 --> 00:14:38.769
people. I'm like, we can't go to a place people
00:14:38.769 --> 00:14:41.450
are gonna know me. So... You could. People do
00:14:41.450 --> 00:14:45.070
that. I can't? No, I probably could. So what
00:14:45.070 --> 00:14:48.649
did, like... I feel like that's one big part
00:14:48.649 --> 00:14:52.000
of... Dating is this sense of scope and not wanting
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.460
to get vulnerable. But should that like what's
00:14:54.460 --> 00:14:57.879
the priority there the Well, I think it is also
00:14:57.879 --> 00:14:59.720
important to like recognize that like you could
00:14:59.720 --> 00:15:02.019
have like this really like large like sense of
00:15:02.019 --> 00:15:04.500
scope and like adventure and like still like
00:15:04.500 --> 00:15:08.200
be vulnerable and like there are definitely couples
00:15:08.200 --> 00:15:11.720
out there who initially like met on like a vacation
00:15:11.720 --> 00:15:13.759
or like they both like shared this love of traveling
00:15:13.759 --> 00:15:15.580
and like you like see these people and hear these
00:15:15.580 --> 00:15:18.419
stories of like Now they're digital nomads and
00:15:18.419 --> 00:15:20.740
they're traveling together. In a sense, if you
00:15:20.740 --> 00:15:24.159
were to partner up with someone who really shares
00:15:24.159 --> 00:15:27.820
this high -scope, high -adventure love of travel,
00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:31.240
in order to go through this journey together,
00:15:31.419 --> 00:15:33.740
you both would have to be very vulnerable, because
00:15:33.740 --> 00:15:36.960
the idea of traveling is already putting yourself
00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:41.429
mutually in vulnerable situations. Mm -hmm. Traveling
00:15:41.429 --> 00:15:43.210
is like can also be like that emotional kind
00:15:43.210 --> 00:15:45.289
of like pressure cooker to see like how you like
00:15:45.289 --> 00:15:48.070
react like under stress and like different environments
00:15:48.070 --> 00:15:51.029
and stuff. So it's like having to be like really
00:15:51.029 --> 00:15:53.350
open with your communication and like having
00:15:53.350 --> 00:15:55.470
to like work together when like problems come
00:15:55.470 --> 00:15:59.389
up and like all of that kind of stuff. So I do
00:15:59.389 --> 00:16:02.389
think that they can definitely coexist and like
00:16:02.389 --> 00:16:04.570
we kind of said before like I think doing these
00:16:04.570 --> 00:16:07.110
like extended summer trips like is does like
00:16:07.110 --> 00:16:09.350
require vulnerability on your part. You're just
00:16:09.350 --> 00:16:12.379
like not bringing like the emotional vulnerability
00:16:12.379 --> 00:16:15.799
like with you. What tips would you have on having
00:16:15.799 --> 00:16:19.080
like bringing more emotional vulnerability into
00:16:19.080 --> 00:16:22.580
those beginning parts of I guess like a relationship
00:16:22.580 --> 00:16:25.240
or meeting somebody? I mean like a big one is
00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:27.639
like communication. It's also like very vulnerable
00:16:27.639 --> 00:16:29.600
to like kind of start off and be like hey like
00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:31.899
I have an issue with vulnerability and that kind
00:16:31.899 --> 00:16:34.460
of like even that that's like very simple but
00:16:34.460 --> 00:16:36.850
that like kind of like cracks like the shell
00:16:36.850 --> 00:16:38.850
a little bit because like if you say that then
00:16:38.850 --> 00:16:41.549
like automatically all of your kind of like attempts
00:16:41.549 --> 00:16:44.850
to like shield away are gonna like already kind
00:16:44.850 --> 00:16:46.750
of be exposed because like if you're kind of
00:16:46.750 --> 00:16:48.389
putting it out there like I have an issue being
00:16:48.389 --> 00:16:49.950
vulnerable and like these are the ways that I
00:16:49.950 --> 00:16:52.649
typically shy away from like being totally open
00:16:52.649 --> 00:16:55.409
in a relationship well now the other person knows
00:16:55.409 --> 00:16:57.529
that and so like in a way that's like I think
00:16:57.529 --> 00:16:59.269
one of the best ways to kind of start breaking
00:16:59.269 --> 00:17:03.129
that down yeah because I feel like I end up people
00:17:03.129 --> 00:17:06.380
pleasing instead of yeah actually like being
00:17:06.380 --> 00:17:10.180
emotionally vulnerable and stating my wants which
00:17:10.180 --> 00:17:13.039
is I mean that's not even just like a relationship
00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:15.140
thing that comes down to a lot of different facets
00:17:15.140 --> 00:17:18.099
of my life. Yeah. Friendships work like everything
00:17:18.099 --> 00:17:20.839
so I think because of that I do shy away from
00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:22.799
vulnerability because I'm more of like a whatever's
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:26.799
wrong I can fix it it's fine it's okay everything's
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:30.279
gonna be great and don't. Yeah like very like
00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:33.880
geese maker quality. Yeah. And I mean, like,
00:17:34.039 --> 00:17:36.599
that's also, like, vulnerable to share. So, like,
00:17:36.700 --> 00:17:39.200
I think even kind of, like, sharing, like, that
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:41.920
on a date and, like, I think also kind of, like,
00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:44.579
the more, like, you make yourself aware of it,
00:17:44.579 --> 00:17:46.579
like, the more you can try to, like, kind of,
00:17:46.579 --> 00:17:48.720
like, stop it. And then always, like, if you're
00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:51.039
moving through a relationship and it, like, starts
00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:52.779
to get deeper, then, like, this is where we can
00:17:52.779 --> 00:17:54.420
kind of, like, start to, like, lean on our partners
00:17:54.420 --> 00:17:56.380
a little bit too. So it can kind of be, like,
00:17:56.640 --> 00:17:58.740
a situation of, like, hey, like, if you see,
00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:00.960
like, me trying to, like, do this, like, please,
00:18:00.980 --> 00:18:03.049
like... call me out on it or like maybe like
00:18:03.049 --> 00:18:05.130
sometimes like I might say something because
00:18:05.130 --> 00:18:07.150
I like don't want to like start a conflict and
00:18:07.150 --> 00:18:08.809
then I might like think about it later and come
00:18:08.809 --> 00:18:10.849
back at a later time and be like oh this is like
00:18:10.849 --> 00:18:12.809
how I actually feel and just kind of like saying
00:18:12.809 --> 00:18:14.650
like hey like this is like how my mind works
00:18:14.650 --> 00:18:16.190
like this is like something I'm trying to like
00:18:16.190 --> 00:18:19.089
work on like even that is kind of like setting
00:18:19.089 --> 00:18:21.250
up like some expectations and just like opening
00:18:21.250 --> 00:18:24.650
like more room for like communication. So I guess
00:18:24.650 --> 00:18:29.029
the like advice for today since since I have
00:18:29.029 --> 00:18:33.049
still this like looming question of scope in
00:18:33.049 --> 00:18:37.109
my life and where I want to be is Maybe like
00:18:37.109 --> 00:18:39.549
continue attempting to date like getting on the
00:18:39.549 --> 00:18:42.470
apps being open to meeting people in person But
00:18:42.470 --> 00:18:45.250
then also just being more vulnerable and I guess
00:18:45.250 --> 00:18:47.789
being more vulnerable and just telling people
00:18:47.789 --> 00:18:51.289
where I am I have this I think I've I think I've
00:18:51.289 --> 00:18:54.529
like shied away from Effectively using the apps
00:18:54.529 --> 00:18:57.970
here in San Antonio at least because I don't
00:18:57.970 --> 00:19:00.109
want to have to explain things about my life
00:19:00.109 --> 00:19:02.420
to people And I feel like at this point in time
00:19:02.420 --> 00:19:04.079
I would have to, like I'd meet up with them and
00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:06.640
they'd be like, what's going on? Which I was
00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:09.079
laid off, don't have a job, that's vulnerable
00:19:09.079 --> 00:19:11.500
thing I would have to talk about. Especially
00:19:11.500 --> 00:19:15.240
if one of my values is like being with someone
00:19:15.240 --> 00:19:17.259
that's hardworking and I think of myself as a
00:19:17.259 --> 00:19:19.160
hardworking person, but don't ask what I've been
00:19:19.160 --> 00:19:21.599
doing for the past like four months. Yeah, that's
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:23.480
like also something to navigate. And then like,
00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:25.200
yeah, for like the values, there is like also
00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:27.660
like a work centrism value, which like is like
00:19:27.660 --> 00:19:29.920
the value of like... working hard. There's also
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.099
like an achievement value which is like getting
00:19:32.099 --> 00:19:34.299
the recognition for working hard and I could
00:19:34.299 --> 00:19:37.480
definitely see those in you as well. I think
00:19:37.480 --> 00:19:40.740
while you're in this kind of like state of like
00:19:40.740 --> 00:19:44.079
limbo, I think what would be maybe more important
00:19:44.079 --> 00:19:46.339
or like more beneficial for you like right now
00:19:46.339 --> 00:19:49.140
is to like really kind of like map out the plan
00:19:49.140 --> 00:19:51.599
of like what you would really like for your life
00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:54.250
to look like and I'm hearing like a lot of like
00:19:54.250 --> 00:19:56.450
different things too that kind of like fall like
00:19:56.450 --> 00:19:59.210
outside of dating or it's like where do I really
00:19:59.210 --> 00:20:01.690
like want to be like living or like do you want
00:20:01.690 --> 00:20:03.529
to be living in like one place or do you want
00:20:03.529 --> 00:20:05.609
to kind of be having this like digital nomad
00:20:05.609 --> 00:20:08.329
kind of like lifestyle and then like where does
00:20:08.329 --> 00:20:11.740
like a job and work fit into that. So I think
00:20:11.740 --> 00:20:15.259
when we're looking at some of the dating issues
00:20:15.259 --> 00:20:17.680
that have come up, I think one really big one
00:20:17.680 --> 00:20:21.059
is maybe refining this list of values a little
00:20:21.059 --> 00:20:24.279
bit more. And I think also we've identified this
00:20:24.279 --> 00:20:28.039
super high value of scope in your life and finding
00:20:28.039 --> 00:20:30.650
someone who shares that. whether it's traveling
00:20:30.650 --> 00:20:34.430
or adventure or wanting this desire for a larger
00:20:34.430 --> 00:20:36.809
life. And then at the same time, I think there's
00:20:36.809 --> 00:20:40.690
probably a lot of room for you to tap more into
00:20:40.690 --> 00:20:43.589
your vulnerability when you're meeting someone
00:20:43.589 --> 00:20:47.369
and allowing yourself to be more open. But then
00:20:47.369 --> 00:20:49.990
on top of that, it seems like there are a lot
00:20:49.990 --> 00:20:53.170
of larger question marks in your life when it
00:20:53.170 --> 00:20:55.970
comes to where you're going to live or if you
00:20:55.970 --> 00:20:57.549
want to stay in the same city or if you want
00:20:57.549 --> 00:20:59.980
to be this digital nomad. and kind of like what's
00:20:59.980 --> 00:21:02.579
the next career move. And I think actually like
00:21:02.579 --> 00:21:06.960
for those. Being single is kind of your advantage
00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:09.640
because you have the opportunity right now to
00:21:09.640 --> 00:21:13.380
really map out exactly what you want your life
00:21:13.380 --> 00:21:16.579
to look like, completely for yourself, not having
00:21:16.579 --> 00:21:20.240
to worry about any other people in the equation.
00:21:20.839 --> 00:21:22.720
And I think that can kind of look like mapping
00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.319
out your larger life of what you want based on
00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:28.640
location or what kind of job you want. You can
00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:31.509
also kind of start mapping out, OK, who is this
00:21:31.509 --> 00:21:33.789
person that I'm, like, really looking for and,
00:21:33.789 --> 00:21:36.049
like, maybe, like, where are the opportunities
00:21:36.049 --> 00:21:38.369
that, like, I would, like, find them. And, like,
00:21:38.509 --> 00:21:41.410
maybe that's, like, I don't know. You have, like,
00:21:41.730 --> 00:21:43.390
literally, like, endless time right now, so,
00:21:43.390 --> 00:21:45.170
like, maybe this is, like, doing, like, a group
00:21:45.170 --> 00:21:48.329
trip to, like, Bali for, like, a month or something,
00:21:48.390 --> 00:21:50.990
and you, like, are around, like, a whole group
00:21:50.990 --> 00:21:54.509
of, like, other, like, adventurous people. So
00:21:54.509 --> 00:21:57.049
I would really start, like, looking at that,
00:21:57.049 --> 00:21:58.839
and I think kind of, like... figuring out what
00:21:58.839 --> 00:22:01.480
you want this larger picture of the next chapter
00:22:01.480 --> 00:22:04.319
of your life to look like, you're on an advantage
00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:06.099
being single, because you don't have to take
00:22:06.099 --> 00:22:08.240
anyone else into account but yourself. And I
00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:11.160
think that would open up a lot more room in your
00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:15.200
life, too, for these romantic interests to fall
00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:18.279
into place later. I do have to take my cats into
00:22:18.279 --> 00:22:20.539
account a little bit. Or you can take your cats
00:22:20.539 --> 00:22:25.420
into account. But that's it. Yeah, I think it
00:22:25.420 --> 00:22:29.759
is very much a whole life thing, which is unfortunate
00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:32.519
because I do feel like there's this societal
00:22:32.519 --> 00:22:35.539
pressure, right, for being married, having kids,
00:22:35.579 --> 00:22:37.619
like all those things. And not to say that I
00:22:37.619 --> 00:22:42.380
necessarily want all of those things, but it's
00:22:42.380 --> 00:22:47.200
like this life uprooted at 34 and you have to
00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:50.240
figure it out, but it is exciting to be single.
00:22:51.470 --> 00:22:54.869
Yeah, and it's like also kind of up to you to
00:22:54.869 --> 00:22:56.950
like figure out whether or not you like want
00:22:56.950 --> 00:22:58.450
those things for yourself because it doesn't
00:22:58.450 --> 00:23:01.730
necessarily matter what society or like anyone
00:23:01.730 --> 00:23:04.450
else thinks and then I think the more you kind
00:23:04.450 --> 00:23:07.309
of like focus on like the type of life that you
00:23:07.309 --> 00:23:10.289
like want to be living for yourself I think it'll
00:23:10.289 --> 00:23:14.069
solve some of the problems of finding the people
00:23:14.069 --> 00:23:16.769
who feel similar to that. Because I think when
00:23:16.769 --> 00:23:19.109
you kind of start like putting yourself in these
00:23:19.109 --> 00:23:22.369
like places or situations where you're like truly
00:23:22.369 --> 00:23:24.430
living out like your values and what you want,
00:23:24.549 --> 00:23:26.349
like you're going to naturally just meet more
00:23:26.349 --> 00:23:28.569
people who align with you. So I think that's
00:23:28.569 --> 00:23:30.690
step one. I think that would make a lot of the
00:23:30.690 --> 00:23:32.910
romantic and dating stuff easier when it's like
00:23:32.910 --> 00:23:35.829
time for step two. Yeah. Also, could you send
00:23:35.829 --> 00:23:38.170
me or do you have a link for that? Well, the
00:23:38.170 --> 00:23:40.509
values bridge that you were talking about? What
00:23:40.509 --> 00:23:42.809
was it called? Yeah. the values bridge, I can
00:23:42.809 --> 00:23:44.809
send you the link for it and I can add the link
00:23:44.809 --> 00:23:47.670
for the show description for everyone else. Okay,
00:23:47.849 --> 00:23:50.390
perfect. I feel like that's touching on a lot
00:23:50.390 --> 00:23:53.730
of the, like, themes that I have with my dating.
00:23:54.190 --> 00:23:56.710
I think there's also a lot of, like, it's all
00:23:56.710 --> 00:23:59.289
coming from, like, this vulnerability thing that
00:23:59.289 --> 00:24:01.190
we were talking about that you talked about.
00:24:01.630 --> 00:24:05.240
Yeah. Yeah, I think your priorities right now
00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:08.240
are to like embrace like the opportunity you
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:11.000
have right now being single to kind of like really
00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:13.440
like map out exactly what you want for like the
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:15.839
next chapter of your life and like do it completely
00:24:15.839 --> 00:24:18.900
just with like yourself as the focus. I would
00:24:18.900 --> 00:24:21.240
personally probably put dating on pause, even
00:24:21.240 --> 00:24:22.960
if like you are just kind of like dating for
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.710
fun. there is always the opportunity where it
00:24:26.710 --> 00:24:28.329
like comes up and like maybe you meet someone
00:24:28.329 --> 00:24:29.890
and you date for three months and then like you
00:24:29.890 --> 00:24:31.430
have a job offer come in and you're like well
00:24:31.430 --> 00:24:33.349
do I want to move for this job offer or do I
00:24:33.349 --> 00:24:35.529
want to try to decide like is this three month
00:24:35.529 --> 00:24:38.849
relationship worth staying put for? So it kind
00:24:38.849 --> 00:24:41.789
of adds some like unnecessary questions and like
00:24:41.789 --> 00:24:43.609
some friction that you don't really need right
00:24:43.609 --> 00:24:47.319
now. And I think once you have this larger vision
00:24:47.319 --> 00:24:50.559
mapped out for your next chapter, once you're
00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:52.579
in that place and happy with it, I think that's
00:24:52.579 --> 00:24:54.779
when you can start dating again. And I think
00:24:54.779 --> 00:24:58.119
that's really the time to start refining more
00:24:58.119 --> 00:25:00.180
and get more specific about your values and what
00:25:00.180 --> 00:25:03.200
you're looking for. And then as you start meeting
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:05.539
these new people who are more aligned, really
00:25:05.539 --> 00:25:08.259
making that effort. The third thing, which is
00:25:08.259 --> 00:25:10.940
like being more open and being more vulnerable
00:25:10.940 --> 00:25:13.180
in like your relationships. The dating for fun
00:25:13.180 --> 00:25:16.799
is so fun. Dating for fun is fun, but it can
00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:20.779
also be distracting. It can be distracting. Also,
00:25:20.799 --> 00:25:22.940
sometimes it's not fun. There's a lot of like
00:25:22.940 --> 00:25:25.599
dating horror stories. I feel like. Yeah, it's
00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:29.579
not fun for a lot of people. Yeah. I think like
00:25:29.579 --> 00:25:31.299
right now for you, I think like ultimately would
00:25:31.299 --> 00:25:34.599
be like more distracting than fun. Yeah, I mean,
00:25:34.599 --> 00:25:37.480
it probably it would. I can definitely see that.
00:25:37.880 --> 00:25:41.180
And I guess this is very much realistic romantic
00:25:41.180 --> 00:25:42.880
instead of hopeless romantic, because I feel
00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:44.960
like the hopeless romantic would be like, just
00:25:44.960 --> 00:25:48.019
date and you'll find someone and then like your
00:25:48.019 --> 00:25:51.220
life will fall into place as it's supposed to
00:25:51.220 --> 00:25:54.579
be. Yeah, another realistic approach is definitely
00:25:54.579 --> 00:25:57.900
like you're in control of making your life what
00:25:57.900 --> 00:26:00.660
you want. It's not going to fall into place just
00:26:00.660 --> 00:26:03.259
because you need someone else and If it did,
00:26:03.400 --> 00:26:05.160
that's also not going to be like the best life
00:26:05.160 --> 00:26:06.500
that you could live because it's not the life
00:26:06.500 --> 00:26:10.519
that you chose. These are all good points. Well,
00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:14.380
I hope this has been helpful. Do you have any
00:26:14.380 --> 00:26:16.599
kind of like concluding thoughts or like any
00:26:16.599 --> 00:26:19.019
last questions before we go? Nothing right now.
00:26:19.079 --> 00:26:22.140
I think the like biggest like lesson and takeaway
00:26:22.140 --> 00:26:24.400
that I want you and everyone else who's like
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:28.410
listening to have is we... like really like the
00:26:28.410 --> 00:26:30.990
foundation of dating is like first like really
00:26:30.990 --> 00:26:34.250
getting happy with yourself and like making sure
00:26:34.250 --> 00:26:35.970
that you're like you're in a place where like
00:26:35.970 --> 00:26:38.349
you're showing up fully for yourself and you're
00:26:38.349 --> 00:26:40.069
like really taking the steps to like have the
00:26:40.069 --> 00:26:41.970
life that you want because like really like we
00:26:41.970 --> 00:26:44.410
need to be like in that place to show up for
00:26:44.410 --> 00:26:46.609
someone else and like have that really good like
00:26:46.609 --> 00:26:49.109
foundation for like starting a relationship and
00:26:49.109 --> 00:26:52.059
yeah sometimes Single being single can be your
00:26:52.059 --> 00:26:54.039
advantage. I think right now like being single
00:26:54.039 --> 00:26:56.180
is like a huge advantage for you I think it is
00:26:56.180 --> 00:26:59.480
a huge advantage and I think you are very correct
00:26:59.480 --> 00:27:03.460
So cool. Oh, I'm glad this was helpful and then
00:27:03.460 --> 00:27:07.539
for everyone else Thank you for tuning in on
00:27:07.539 --> 00:27:10.500
Aaron and I's conversation today And before you
00:27:10.500 --> 00:27:13.359
go make sure you're following the realistic romantic
00:27:13.799 --> 00:27:16.079
on whatever podcast platform you're listening
00:27:16.079 --> 00:27:18.740
to. If you want to leave a comment, a rating,
00:27:19.059 --> 00:27:21.339
subscribe, all of these things really help me
00:27:21.339 --> 00:27:24.039
out as we're building the Realistic Romantic
00:27:24.039 --> 00:27:26.599
channel. And if you want more Realistic Romantic
00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:29.480
in your day -to -day life, you can also follow
00:27:29.480 --> 00:27:33.920
along on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Substack
00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:37.039
all at The Realistic Romantic. And you can also
00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:40.420
visit therealisticromantic .com where you can
00:27:40.420 --> 00:27:43.420
sign up for a dating profile audit. You can download
00:27:43.420 --> 00:27:46.509
the Realistic Romantic app. for less than the
00:27:46.509 --> 00:27:49.130
price of a cup of coffee at a bad coffee date.
00:27:49.349 --> 00:27:51.710
And you can also inquire about one -on -one coaching,
00:27:51.950 --> 00:27:54.569
which looks a lot like what we did here today.
00:27:54.730 --> 00:27:58.069
And if you have your own dating dilemma, you
00:27:58.069 --> 00:28:02.029
can always feel free to write in at heyrealisticromanticatgmail
00:28:02.029 --> 00:28:05.670
.com. That's heyrealisticromanticatgmail .com.
00:28:05.849 --> 00:28:09.549
And until next time, stay realistic and date
00:28:09.549 --> 00:28:10.490
without delusion.
