SOVRN RELATIONSHIPS: Transforming Loneliness into Belonging

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Every bit of personal improvement that you can do will improve your access to quality relationships, both enriching your current ones and finding new enriching relationships.
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When you have a bunch of healthy, amazing people in your life that are going to show up for you and you're going to show up for them, you feel better.
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You will be amazed how many people are not sharing how they feel out of fear of rejection.
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But on the other side of sharing is all the people you thought didn't exist.
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Do you consistently see your friend or that relationship putting genuine care into your wellbeing as well as theirs?
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You're trying to constantly separate people from you.
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How are you doing it the other way as well?
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Evenly, are you also trying to have a fair look on like how are they actually like me?
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In what ways are they exactly like me or close to the same way that I am?
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How do they understand?
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It's not fun to be with someone who's your friend, who always wants to give you things over and, over and over again.
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It's also not fun to be with a friend who's always taking things from you.
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Bring it up as soon as you can, because if you bring up 10 things from now until five years ago, the person you're talking to is going to be like why didn't you say anything?
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And it will.
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It will, to them, be very hurtful that you didn't bring something up there's.
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I had no idea I was doing that, that that could hurt you.
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That would be their thought process.
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Why didn't you tell me?
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So?
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It doesn't serve anyone to sit on your feelings.
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Communicate it and if you're, if you have a fear of rejection, like if you say how you actually feel, if that's difficult for you because someone might say too bad, this is how I'm treating you, deal with it.
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Wouldn't you like to know?
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Hey everyone, welcome to the positive network podcast, and I'm your co-host, andrew and Mike Foltz.
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All right, so we're going to get started on today's episode, and today we are talking about what Mike.
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We are talking about sovereign relationships.
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Yeah.
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So I think this is a key point to a lot of people because as a society, we're very social beings and we require positive relationships to bring meaning to our lives.
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But, you know, as a society, as we're heading, it's going towards becoming more lonely, and we do have statistics to back that up, even though I'm sure a lot of people are already feeling it.
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Yeah, and feeling it.
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They are and we often talk about this among our groups as the great division of humanity, an engineered and designed and slowly implemented plan to separate us, to separate families, to separate friends, to separate communities.
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And it feels lonely.
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If you in the last, especially the last five years, have started to feel extremely lonely in your life, your beliefs, your feelings, the things that are important to you, if you're feeling extremely isolated like drop a lonely in the comments.
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Let us know how that makes you feel, because it is looking like an epidemic right now.
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Yeah, I'm going to give us some data here, just so you know like we can back that up with some actual numbers.
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So people are, there's some studies, there's one here on Statistica and it was measuring between 1990 to 2021.
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They are saying how many people or how many friends do you have?
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And most people said it was 33% responded more than 10.
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More than 10.
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Now it's only 13%.
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Wow.
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And the worst thing, this is even more alarming the people who said they had no close friends at all went from 3% in 1990, jumping four times up to 12% of the population.
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That means in a room of 10 people, more than one of them says they have no friends at all.
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And that's scary, that's devastating.
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Yeah, because if you'd feel like you have no friends in the whole world, you feel alone and you feel like you have to take care of yourself and that's a lot of anxiety and stress and pressure and you have no one to talk to you especially with how we're built as humans, as you, as you open the podcast with, like, we are designed to be social creatures, to have a community, to have groups, to have friends, to have people to interact with.
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That's just woven into the fabric of our very being.
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Yeah, so the Dunmar's number, that's very famous.
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He actually was an anthropologist and he actually put out like the capacities at the different levels of relationships, and so he said, okay, you got room for 150 casual friends.
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You have about room for 50 of those people to be friends, and then you have 15 that could be close friends, and then you have five for very close, intimate bonds with loved ones and really close friends or family, and that's that's basically what we're, uh, we're designed to have, or like that's how we, we work, and so that is very off from what we're seeing right now yeah, I remember a relationship expert talking on this seven or eight years ago at a seminar I attended and he had mentioned that of those 150 maybe a few more people you can remember two or three things about them off the top of your head.
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So fred has a couple of kids, he lives in Sacramento and he loves cars.
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Sally, you can remember three more things.
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And then when you get to that 50 group of people, you can remember way more facts about these people off the top of your head.
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Yeah, then when you get to the 15, you know quite a bit about their lives, what they like, what they don't like, what their kids names are.
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But those five if you're lucky enough nowadays to have those five super close friends, that's an intimate relationship.
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There's a lot of knowing about each other, what, what just it just gets into that deeper dive in that connection, along with all the other ones behind it.
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Those second, third and fourth order connections, those are fuel to the human emotions, to our, our wanting for community and wanting for connection.
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It's like not you.
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This is kind of funny to say.
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You are not alone in feeling alone.
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Yeah, and I mean this when we get back to the great division of humanity.
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I mean this has been orchestrated over a long period of time.
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You know, there is nothing more amazing than human beings getting together and organizing themselves and creating amazing results in any facet of human, the human experience.
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The more of us getting together and getting in alignment and working together, we can move mountains as a species.
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So what better way to make sure everybody falls in line than to separate us all?
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Those lines of division can be numbered in the thousands.
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You know you like this sports team, I like that sports team.
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You know you're this color skin, I'm this color skin.
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You're that religion, I'm that religion.
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You believe in this system, I believe in that.
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It is innumerable the number of divisional things that are set up in society and we pay a lot of attention to them instead of.
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How often do you ask yourself how is this person like me, right?
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Where's the positive, where's the connection we're just so focused on?
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How are they different?
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And you know they're not me, and you're trying to constantly separate people from you.
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How are you doing it the other way as well?
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Evenly, you're trying to constantly separate people from you.
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How, like, are you doing it the other way as well?
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Evenly?
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Are you also trying to have a fair look on, like how are they actually like me?
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In what ways are they exactly like me, or close to the same way that I am?
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Yeah, how?
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do they understand me?
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Individuality is is critically important, but so is relationships and community yeah and they're.
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they're two separate things, but they meet in the middle If we look at human history going back a long time, basically as far back as we can see people were living in at least tribal settings.
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They either lived in caves, they were nomadic tribes that moved around.
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We got into farming villages and did agriculture.
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So we've consistently, through all of human history, we've always belonged to a tribe.
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Until now it is being sort of pulled apart.
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Yes, it's all coming apart at the seams.
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We spoke about this in our sovereign children episode, where you know both parents, um, you know they're both going to work now in some countries most countries nowadays just to make ends meet, just to pay for all the costs that we've accepted as required and that leaves our kids going to school, maybe two people, maybe a family of four, and everyone is separated and everyone is.
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You know, people aren't coming together in all of these communities anymore and everyone's out working until they're exhausted and they come home at the end of the day, and it's just not our natural state.
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And so the world is what it is, but we've really got to get back to creating community again.
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Because the nice thing about when you have a community, let's say you have, you know, like that tribe.
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Well, you're not going to be.
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Maybe you're a great hunter, but maybe you're not a good basket weaver or maybe you're not good at cooking, right, Everyone's going to have their own unique strengths and so it's that pooling of strengths to come together that makes you stronger yeah Right, and makes you actually.
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It reduces your anxiety level.
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You have people to talk to, you have people that have your back.
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You take care of the elderly together, you raise your young together.
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I'm not saying like we're all going to just move into communes and stuff like that's definitely not the plan.
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That's not the solution.
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No, that's not the solution at all.
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What I'm trying to highlight here is there's been a complete shift away from that.
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We used to live in cities together, but we'd still congregate together around the farmer's market or go to a festival here or there, and you'd know people in the community.
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Now, most people are sitting at home with the advent of social media and they've traded, you know, real physical connections in your community with connections to you know, maybe a community page you like on a Facebook page, find the most curated, specific community to one of your specific interests and be engrossed with people who are like-minded and really get into that.
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But you're you're missing that in-person connection, exactly.
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You're missing the deep, intimate connection of you know, sharing your, your likes, your dislikes, your loves, your hates, your, you know, your goals, all those sort of things.
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And so, getting back to that as critical and social media, yeah, that convenience is there.
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But I remember around the time where my grad reunion was coming up and we we tried and tried and tried to organize people getting together and I ended up not even going at the last minute and I can't remember exactly why I decided not to go.
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There was maybe a few people that came out of our grad class of 144 people and the overwhelming comment that we got from people who turned it down said I've got Facebook, I know what everybody is up to.
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Wow, and that was.
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That wasn't even just in the last five years ago, right, that was many years ago.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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So social media connected us all but separated us all, and then insert the division tactics of pitting people against each other online through social media by the use of super intelligent bots that are causing arguments, all these sorts of things.
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I mean, social media was our beautiful place to connect and it has been.
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It's just been ravished, it's just been taken over.
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Well, there's like this, you know, kind of like dangling treat, right?
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Carrot on a stick.
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The carrot on the stick is hey, come and talk to these people who are exactly like you, who think like you, that you can't find in your own communities.
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Yeah, okay, great.
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Once you dig into that, though, and you focus all your attention and time on that, and you get sucked into that vortex, you still live a physical existence.
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You didn't upload your mind to the digital cloud, so you still have a grocery store to go to or a farmer's market.
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You go to events.
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You live in a community of people that are around you, but now you don't know any of them.
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They're all strangers to you, and that can feel threatening, and that can also lead to anxiety and a feeling of separatedness, because your body can't fully supplement only digital things, just like this.
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Would you be able to survive on digital fruits and vegetables?
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Absolutely not.
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You need physical ones going in your body, right?
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So there's physical connections that you can only get through.
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You know, having a hug with someone or seeing someone in real life, and if you're only living in that digital space, your body is going to be screaming out for the physical parts of your existence that are being lacking For the listeners out there maybe start a conversation in the comments on your view of online communities versus in-person communities Now.
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Have you found a balance between the two, or are you lacking in one or both, and how has that changed for you over the past five years specifically, or maybe even longer?
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So, andrew, we've established that communities are essential and that there's been this drift away, and one thing that I don't hear a lot of people talking about is there's been a drift away from religion in the past 50 years or so.
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And what religion does?
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One of the many amazing things that it does is it brings people together.
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It brings people together under a common cause and belief system and it creates amazing communities.
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And so, with this drift of these people away from religion, these people drifting away are drifting away to what.
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They're drifting away from a community.
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They're drifting away from that organization.
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They're drifting away from that organization.
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They're drifting away from that feeling of belonging, and they don't necessarily land somewhere that recreates that feeling, that recreates that connection and that can also feel very lonely.
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So that might also be a contributing factor to this loneliness that people feel is, for thousands of years, people organized under religions most of the population and that's very different today with the statistics that we're seeing.
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I want to come back to the online communities and in-person communities and I don't want anyone listening to think that you know we're bashing on online communities, that they don't work, that they're not great.
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We're just saying that there needs to be a mix of both.
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The hyper-curated online communities can serve an amazing need.
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They can have a niche and they can deliver that niche to you with amazing people.
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You can learn so much In today's day and age of online.
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You're a couple mouse clicks or taps of your finger on your smartphone away from unlocking amazing knowledge from somebody halfway around the world.
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So we want to stress that it's important for you to find in-person communities, whether you want to do some volunteering, whether you want to get part of a group that gets together and knit sweaters, whatever that is, do some crafting, go play hockey, get into sports something, but we're not dogging on the online communities.
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In fact, we're very pro online community.
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The reason is is because, when you look at those top five intimate relationships that you talked about early in those statistics, andrew, we all know the saying the top five people that you spend most of your time with, it's who you're going to be like, act like, sound like, talk like, think like we can't help it.
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We're tribal.
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If you have this grouping of five people, you're going to have all like values, and so if something about your life is not serving you and you're trying to change that or move out of that, those four or five other people are always going to pull you back and say no, no, no.
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Where do you think you're going?
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This is what we believe and you're sounding crazy right now.
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Yeah, and so communities, especially online communities, allow you to get access to different brains, different people, different, amazing thought processes that will allow you to evolve and change.
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And at some point you may evolve and change.
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And at some point you may need to change those five people.
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And let me say it's perfectly acceptable to take one of your top five people and they slowly just shift into the top 15 people over time.
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That's okay, unless you want to stay exactly how you are for the rest of your life, then you know, don't make any changes.
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But if you're driven to change, if you're driven to do better, be better, serve more people, serve your family, you're going to have to make some changes there.
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Yeah, like, for example uh, let's take five guys who go to the bar every Friday and eat wings and watch the game, and then let's say you actually want to train to become, to start running a marathon.
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The type of lifestyles are going to clash quite a bit and what's going to happen is you're going to start either giving up on your goals and being more like them and going to the bar and going to the, you know, eating chicken wings, watching the game, drinking beers and not reaching your goals of doing that marathon, or you're going to become more distant and more alienated from them, because those two lifestyles don't necessarily mix anymore.
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So you have to make a choice like who do you want to be?
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And then the friends that you surround yourself with, those relationships and connections, will either support or pull.
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You know, basically it's a positive or negative pull or push, and it's a powerful, powerful draw to stay with your top five people because you're, you're comfortable, you're safe, it's your home, like you've invested a lot of time into this small mini tribe, yeah, but if you want to change things, you're going to have to start thinking a little bit differently.
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And it's hard to think differently when the old thought patterns are reinforced over and over and over again and a new thought is immediately rooted out and and just crushed by that group of people out of fear and self-protection.
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And that's okay.
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But if you're headed onwards and upwards, if you're moving sideways, either way, whatever, wherever you're going, you're going to need to assess those relationships as you go through the process and openly communicate what you want to do and when you see, feel and hear the resistance, have conversations and if they go nowhere, that's going to be a crossroads for you.
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I'm really glad you said that, that you need to have conversations, because there could also be a chance where those group of five guys are like you know what?
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You're right, we all should do a marathon.
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And they're like let's do it.
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And now it's going to be even stronger.
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You never know.
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All boats must rise.
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Yeah, yes, absolutely.
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So you don't really know until you have that conversation and see how things are going to go, because they could be your biggest allies to achieving your goal and you could all grow and move together.
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Yes, so, speaking of online communities, Andrew, that is why we've started the groundwork being laid for launching the positive network community and we're building a group of like-minded people online to connect and talk about growing their self-sufficiency, critical thinking and all those things that come into making you a better person, a better father, mother, brother, sister, a better person to serve your family and your community.
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Yeah, it's about connecting those people that can't find those things in their own communities, because that's what the power of online communities are.
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It's like.
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It's just like on Amazon you want something, you just type it into Amazon, it's probably there, versus the old way of like, if you go to a store and it's not there, okay, go to another store oh, it's not there.
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Go to another store oh, it's not there.
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Go to another store oh, it's not there.
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And oh, maybe I can't find it at all.
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So there are downsides to physical things, right, but there are upsides too.
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So what you want to do is get the best of both worlds.
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So the positive network as a digital community and platform is about bringing people together who have those interests in a hyper-focused, hyper-curated way, and then, when we go with it from there, maybe we turn and we have some physical events and things that are going to bring people together in the physical space.
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So that could be a lot of fun.
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Anything's possible and it's made real by the community itself.
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So yeah, and this kind of takes me back to I was in Denver a little while ago and I left an event with a bunch of amazing entrepreneurs and on my Uber ride back I started up a conversation with Uber driver, which I love to do in the last year or so, just learning about people from all over the world when I'm at airports or I'm getting rides to different places, and we started talking.
00:20:21.030 --> 00:20:25.669
It turns out this dude was a super hardworking, motivated entrepreneur.
00:20:25.669 --> 00:20:37.851
He's driving his Uber, he's a real estate agent, he's he's hustling, he's working hard for his family, and we started talking a little bit about you know how the world's a little uncomfortable and things don't really make sense and things are getting expensive.
00:20:37.851 --> 00:20:41.548
And we got into the conversations of the things that you and I talk about all the time.
00:20:41.548 --> 00:20:55.833
Andrew and you know I'd shared a couple, a couple opinions, a couple thought processes with him and at one point he he just turned and said I had no idea I, other people thought this way.
00:20:55.833 --> 00:20:57.411
He's like I thought I was alone.
00:20:58.093 --> 00:20:58.354
Yep.
00:20:58.865 --> 00:21:01.473
So I thought no one thought the way I did.
00:21:01.473 --> 00:21:08.855
None of my family will talk to me about this, none of my friends will talk to me about this, but I feel it and know it in my heart, that something has changed.
00:21:08.855 --> 00:21:12.026
He's like I said can we just keep driving?
00:21:12.026 --> 00:21:13.189
This is my Uber driver.
00:21:13.189 --> 00:21:14.854
I'm like, well, what's that going to cost me?
00:21:14.854 --> 00:21:18.310
And I was like I got an international flight to catch here.
00:21:18.310 --> 00:21:23.345
But he, he found a sense of connection and he wanted more of it.
00:21:23.345 --> 00:21:24.306
And there are.
00:21:24.306 --> 00:21:43.500
I want to tell you this to the listener If you're resonating with learning more about how you can take control of your life and in a world that seems like it's spinning out of control, there are millions of us trying to connect to each other, and that's why we say we're that lighthouse in the dark.
00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:46.481
Yeah, it's all the lights coming together that makes the light shine.
00:21:51.845 --> 00:21:52.326
And shine so brightly.
00:21:52.326 --> 00:21:52.826
Yeah, so that's community.
00:21:52.826 --> 00:22:02.215
It's that feeling of being alone and then finding that tribe that resonates with you, that believes in you and that has that same system of going about hey, let's make some positive change in the world.
00:22:02.215 --> 00:22:03.227
Exactly.
00:22:03.428 --> 00:22:05.535
And that's the whole reason that this is existing here.
00:22:05.924 --> 00:22:08.253
So let's switch gears here a little bit.
00:22:08.253 --> 00:22:12.997
But before we do that, you know, maybe you can comment in the comments.
00:22:12.997 --> 00:22:20.118
Just let us know if you've felt that amount of loneliness when it comes to your beliefs and how you're looking at the world.
00:22:20.118 --> 00:22:29.207
Do you feel like you lack a community to talk to, a community to talk to?
00:22:29.207 --> 00:22:33.059
I mean, in essence, that's why me and Andrew and all the other people behind the positive network have come together, because that was where we were years ago.
00:22:33.059 --> 00:22:39.518
Yeah, and we just said hey, we're, we're two dads, we've got some skills from previous stuff we've done in life.
00:22:39.518 --> 00:22:41.951
Let's get together and let's talk.
00:22:41.951 --> 00:22:45.724
Let's talk to other people and let's be a beacon for positivity.
00:22:45.724 --> 00:22:48.074
Let's bring people together and create solutions.
00:22:48.074 --> 00:22:57.931
So comment in the comments if you felt like you can't talk to anyone in your life about how you view the world, if you feel isolated, because you'll see in the comments, there are a lot of us.
00:22:58.244 --> 00:23:05.574
I'm really looking forward to that, because for the longest time before, before I met you, mike, I felt like no one really was thinking the same way.
00:23:05.574 --> 00:23:09.182
And then when I met you, I was like no one really was thinking the same way.
00:23:09.182 --> 00:23:13.347
And then when I met you, I was like holy crap, I'm not alone.
00:23:13.347 --> 00:23:13.971
And that feeling was amazing.
00:23:13.971 --> 00:23:20.255
And that is actually the biggest motivator and driver for trying to expand this to other people, because I know firsthand how it feels to feel like you're just isolated alone.
00:23:20.255 --> 00:23:38.894
And that feeling of connecting with other people that actually feel and think and are doing things very similar to the way you are thinking, and having that community just it relieves anxiety, it builds friendship, um, it makes life more meaningful.
00:23:38.894 --> 00:23:40.097
It's so important.
00:23:40.565 --> 00:24:00.913
Well, I appreciate that, andrew, and and the reason that we met and know each other is a long, crazy, amazing story, but part of it is I decided at some point I was going to tell people how I feel so that I could filter out the people that didn't want to have anything to do with my thought process, and I could filter in the people who didn't know.
00:24:00.973 --> 00:24:21.487
I thought that way and resonated deeply, and so I make it a point now, and you, the listener, can do this as well Say what you believe, say what you think, say what you're uncomfortable about in the world, and share it with people and watch for their genuine reaction to see if there's a conversation that can go further.
00:24:21.487 --> 00:24:27.257
You will be amazed how many people are not sharing how they feel out of fear of rejection.
00:24:27.257 --> 00:24:39.616
But on the other side of sharing is all the people you thought didn't exist, and they'll start coming out of the woodwork and your entire life will change when you build a community around you.
00:24:39.616 --> 00:24:50.577
So join the positive network community when we launch Great, but start telling people around you how you think, feel and believe, and you're going to create an in-person community on top of that.
00:24:51.085 --> 00:24:52.228
Yeah, and it'll be so much.
00:24:52.228 --> 00:25:00.648
You'll feel so much better to be authentic and how you really think, because you're not surrounding yourself with people who you know don't actually feel and think the way you do.
00:25:00.648 --> 00:25:07.316
Do you want to be around those people or do you want to be around people who you actually feel a genuine authentic connection to?
00:25:07.316 --> 00:25:17.798
Yeah, so that starts with you being authentic with your own language and your words so you can filter out, as you said, between the people who do kind of jive with you or not.
00:25:18.057 --> 00:25:20.569
Yeah, let's dial back the fear and dial up the positivity.
00:25:20.569 --> 00:25:21.933
Exactly, I love it.
00:25:21.933 --> 00:25:23.237
So we got these communities.
00:25:23.237 --> 00:25:25.909
This is great, but what about the interpersonal relations?
00:25:25.909 --> 00:25:33.384
There's probably a few things we can share with the listeners about improving your personal relationships that make up these communities, that make up families.
00:25:33.384 --> 00:25:51.141
So let's start with how to improve personal relationships, and one of the biggest ones that I really enjoy of the last several years is service serving other people, being a giver and don't be afraid to give first.
00:25:51.141 --> 00:25:54.093
There's some nuances here, though, that we've spoken about.
00:25:54.093 --> 00:25:58.992
Andrew, maybe you could share a little bit about serving and balance in that topic.
00:25:59.894 --> 00:26:11.099
Yeah, it's super, super critical because, like it is, there's always this balance between giving and taking, and if you take too much or you give too much, both of them are unhealthy for both parties.
00:26:11.099 --> 00:26:21.416
For example, you know someone who's always taking, um, they'll probably feel pretty crappy about themselves, versus the person who's always giving will feel exhausted and drained.
00:26:21.416 --> 00:26:25.455
Neither of them are actually benefiting in this relationship and it's better just to cut it there.
00:26:25.455 --> 00:26:35.278
And uh, both of them need to find a balance point, and sometimes one person just isn't ready or isn't in that point in their life where they're willing to find that balance point.
00:26:35.278 --> 00:26:41.438
So if they are unwilling, then you have to make the call whether you're going to continue that relationship or not.
00:26:41.705 --> 00:26:44.094
So Andrew, let me balance your balance point there.
00:26:44.094 --> 00:27:12.464
No-transcript.
00:27:12.464 --> 00:27:21.292
It's as you become more of a self-sufficient individual and you become more mentally strong and you identify yeah, I bend over backwards for people.
00:27:21.292 --> 00:27:33.428
Well, there's some room there for assessing how much you're giving and when it's taking from you, and I think we spoke about this in our second episode on sovereign time doing a time assessment on the people that you interact with.
00:27:33.428 --> 00:27:40.070
How much time are you putting into a relationship and are you receiving reciprocal you know time back?
00:27:40.070 --> 00:27:43.965
Are you, are you getting back gifts, effort, energy resources?
00:27:43.965 --> 00:27:47.655
Is this, is this a given take or is it just a give?
00:27:47.655 --> 00:27:47.936
Give?
00:27:47.936 --> 00:28:14.315
Super important to establish those boundaries for yourself first and then again, with open communication, start talking to the other person or persons and say I feel this way and I would like to improve this relationship and go through those processes and there are lots of processes out there online to initiate this, but it starts with an internal reflection of man is this relationship serving me or is it taking from me?
00:28:14.615 --> 00:28:15.259
Yeah, exactly.
00:28:15.259 --> 00:28:22.751
And then, once you've reflected internally, then don't sit on those emotions, don't sit on those feelings, you sit on them too long they'll start to stink.
00:28:26.246 --> 00:28:26.425
Yeah.
00:28:26.425 --> 00:28:40.184
So you got to take the reflection, moving into action, and have a conversation with those relationships that you're having those feelings on, see what comes out of it and if it doesn't improve, then that's a sign that you can't move forward potentially.
00:28:40.184 --> 00:28:43.843
Or you need to reassess, like, how much time you're going to give those guests.
00:28:43.843 --> 00:28:51.978
Sometimes completely cutting off isn't, isn't feasible, like if they're a coworker or they are like a parent or someone.
00:28:51.978 --> 00:28:56.674
That is going to be a little bit harder to justify completely cutting someone out of your life.
00:28:56.674 --> 00:28:59.952
That's more of like a last resort or like the nuclear option, right.
00:29:00.615 --> 00:29:05.208
And there's also just because someone's taking or giving a lot in a small context.
00:29:05.208 --> 00:29:16.595
It could actually be some sort of like giving or like, let's say, your best friend, their wife, dies, so are you going to be like, oh, this guy's not taking care of my needs?
00:29:16.595 --> 00:29:19.974
Well, like, buddy just went through, he lost his wife.
00:29:19.974 --> 00:29:23.915
So that's going to be a moment where you're probably giving more than you're taking, right.
00:29:23.915 --> 00:29:34.732
And then, let's say, the next couple of years you get in a car accident, right, or something happens to you and then if your friend has your back there, that's a time where you need to be taking more in that context.
00:29:34.732 --> 00:29:38.189
So there's going to be times of give and take, just like ebb and flow.
00:29:38.189 --> 00:29:47.876
Um, the core part is like do you consistently see your friend or that relationship putting genuine care into your well-being as well as theirs?
00:29:47.876 --> 00:29:55.286
So if they ignore their own well-being to boost your well-being, that's also just as toxic as the reverse.
00:29:55.286 --> 00:29:56.147
That's a red flag again.
00:29:56.147 --> 00:29:57.530
Yeah exactly.
00:29:57.912 --> 00:30:07.951
And coming back to sitting on your feelings, it's important to move those feelings into thought, action and communication as soon as you can, in the right set and setting.
00:30:07.951 --> 00:30:21.116
Because if you sit on your feelings and they build up and they're going to get very frustrating and then you're going to have, you're going to have more situations or more examples happen that reinforce those feelings, make you more frustrated, and a couple of things are going on.
00:30:21.116 --> 00:30:28.214
You're, you're really getting mad, you're starting to get really mad at this individual and it's like drinking poison hoping the other person will die.
00:30:28.214 --> 00:30:35.615
It's, it's, it's really damaging you and the counterparty is clueless because you haven't moved on these feelings.
00:30:35.615 --> 00:30:43.204
You're sitting on them and then, when you do finally bring something up, if you do, it's hey, you did this, this, this, this and this.
00:30:43.204 --> 00:30:45.148
You've done this and I've been guilty of doing this.
00:30:45.169 --> 00:30:58.647
You know, instead of dealing direct, you know years ago, bring it up as soon as you can, because if you bring up 10 things from now until five years ago, the person you're talking to is going to be like why didn't you say anything?
00:30:58.647 --> 00:30:59.489
And it will.
00:30:59.489 --> 00:31:04.214
It will to them, be very hurtful that you didn't bring something up.
00:31:04.214 --> 00:31:04.454
There's.
00:31:04.454 --> 00:31:06.657
I had no idea I was doing that, that that could hurt you.
00:31:06.657 --> 00:31:08.119
That would be their thought process.
00:31:08.119 --> 00:31:09.560
Why didn't you tell me?
00:31:09.560 --> 00:31:10.185
So?
00:31:10.185 --> 00:31:12.332
It doesn't serve anyone to sit on your feelings.
00:31:12.332 --> 00:31:22.355
Communicate it, and if you're, if you have a fear of rejection like if you say how you actually feel if that's difficult for you because someone might say, too bad, this is how I'm treating you, deal with it.
00:31:22.355 --> 00:31:27.666
Wouldn't you like to know?
00:31:27.686 --> 00:31:28.528
Absolutely, that's good information to know.
00:31:28.528 --> 00:31:29.211
Wouldn't you like to know now?
00:31:29.211 --> 00:31:32.488
Yeah, Before you sink another 10 years into a relationship and then you find out this whole time.
00:31:32.488 --> 00:31:33.492
That's how they're thinking of you.
00:31:34.175 --> 00:31:39.097
Wouldn't you even more like to know that they were blown away, that they could do that and hurt you?
00:31:39.097 --> 00:31:42.007
And they immediately corrected the action and improve the relationship.
00:31:42.186 --> 00:31:42.428
Yep.
00:31:42.428 --> 00:31:44.951
That's information that's super helpful to either.
00:31:44.951 --> 00:31:50.519
You know, decide on the relationship moving forward in a positive or negative way.
00:31:50.905 --> 00:31:56.278
Yeah, so get it out there, have the conversations and improve your relationships.
00:31:56.664 --> 00:31:59.671
Okay, so we talked about the relationships and then each relationship.
00:31:59.671 --> 00:32:04.500
We are a single part, like we can only really control our own actions and how we act.
00:32:04.500 --> 00:32:07.375
So how do we improve ourselves in these relationships?
00:32:07.644 --> 00:32:22.162
That's a great question, because how you show up in your relationship is going to determine the level of relationships you can have, both in the intensity of the intimacy with the relationship or the closeness of the friendship or the types of friends that you can attract.
00:32:22.162 --> 00:32:38.575
So if you're working on your highest, best next self, you're not going to be able to form relationships with people who have become more emotionally evolved than you, people that can handle their triggers better than you, people who are on the path of pursuing their higher self.
00:32:38.575 --> 00:32:44.317
You'll try to have a conversation and it won't be an interaction that they'll want to take part in.
00:32:44.317 --> 00:33:15.712
So a huge part of accessing better, stronger relationships is personal development Right, dealing with your shit, identifying your triggers and shortening the time from when something triggers you to the time that you get back to homeostasis to when you get back to being calm and collected, like every bit of personal improvement that you can do, will improve your access to quality relationships, both enriching your current ones and finding new enriching relationships.
00:33:16.095 --> 00:33:26.102
Yeah, and for all the video gamers out there, let's say you're a level three, you're not going to be joining a level 98 party to go do some crazy boss raid because you don't have enough.
00:33:26.102 --> 00:33:27.990
You don't, you're not at that level yet, Right?
00:33:27.990 --> 00:33:30.049
So you want to have better relationships with people?
00:33:30.049 --> 00:33:41.980
If you feel like you're constantly in bad relationships, look at yourself and be like how can I improve myself so that I will naturally connect and attract, uh, better relationships?
00:33:42.059 --> 00:33:51.838
You're not going to get better at relationships by jumping in and practicing a new relationship with the same caliber of individual that caused so much conflict before.
00:33:51.838 --> 00:33:53.305
You're not going to get.
00:33:53.305 --> 00:34:00.416
You're not going to get a better outcome by redoing the same level with the same individual over and over again.
00:34:00.416 --> 00:34:07.280
Yeah Right, Unless both you and that other individual is working on themselves so that you can meet better in the middle.
00:34:07.710 --> 00:34:07.891
Yeah.
00:34:07.891 --> 00:34:18.119
So this is a good chance Like, uh, for those people who are thinking about a really good relationship and a really bad relationship, comment that in the comments, like what was your best relationship?
00:34:18.119 --> 00:34:20.744
Or maybe current best relationship, how did that look?
00:34:20.744 --> 00:34:21.592
How did that evolve?
00:34:21.592 --> 00:34:25.867
Was that the first relationship you fell naturally into, or vice versa?
00:34:25.867 --> 00:34:26.871
Or you could do both.
00:34:26.871 --> 00:34:35.177
Also comment negative relationships you've had and then how did you decide to move on from them, or are you still trying to decide how you should proceed?
00:34:35.539 --> 00:34:41.681
yeah, the more you learn about yourself, the more you can authentically connect with people and people can feel it.
00:34:41.681 --> 00:34:51.601
The more connected an individual is, the more they can feel other connected individuals, and it's a range of things from authenticity, vulnerability, and the list goes on.
00:34:51.601 --> 00:35:00.237
And the higher and better relationships you can create, the better communities you can create and the more results you can create in your life for your family's life.
00:35:00.878 --> 00:35:06.498
Yeah, it's a beautiful thing and strong relationships really create a stronger, happier life for you.
00:35:06.498 --> 00:35:14.155
When you have a bunch of healthy, amazing people in your life that are going to show up for you and you're going to show up for them, you feel better.
00:35:14.155 --> 00:35:26.643
You, you'll have a nicer life than you will by being isolated alone, always looking over your shoulder because there's no one there to watch your back, knowing that if something happens to you, you don't know how you're going to survive.
00:35:27.231 --> 00:35:36.315
Yeah, another point that I was thinking of is higher, better relationships, both on the ones you improve that are existing right now and the new relationships that you find.
00:35:36.315 --> 00:35:39.221
You're modeling good behavior for each other.
00:35:39.221 --> 00:35:42.793
You're holding each other accountable just by your standards that you've created.
00:35:42.793 --> 00:35:54.635
You can push each other in a healthy relationship to do a little bit more or improve on something, and it it feeds, it becomes this feedback cycle between like-minded individuals or groups.
00:35:54.635 --> 00:35:56.800
Yeah, so remember to lean into that.
00:35:56.800 --> 00:35:57.021
That.
00:35:57.021 --> 00:36:04.679
You know, if you're in a, if you're in a state of wanting change, if you're in a state of wanting positive improvement in your life, find other people pursuing that as well.
00:36:05.018 --> 00:36:06.222
Yeah, I think for me.
00:36:06.222 --> 00:36:11.362
So I've traditionally been a giver, like I did free piano lessons, I've you're an over giver.
00:36:11.409 --> 00:36:12.231
I've been an over giver.
00:36:12.231 --> 00:36:23.085
So like if I'm going to do my own assessment here just for the benefit of the listeners here is I think my sense of worth comes from feeling like I've helped other people.
00:36:23.085 --> 00:36:29.481
So if I, if I am in a relationship, I tend to want to give more and give more.
00:36:29.481 --> 00:36:33.898
So that way it actually becomes like oh so I can feel okay about myself.
00:36:33.898 --> 00:36:45.364
And I know that's unhealthy, I know it, it took me a long time to figure that out, but it's like you have to be okay with accepting help from people who care about you so that way they can also feel that sense.
00:36:45.364 --> 00:36:49.255
That's a gift for them where they can feel like, hey, I got his back.
00:36:49.255 --> 00:36:53.572
And if you deny them that chance over and over again, that can be.
00:36:54.393 --> 00:36:55.978
You know it creates an unhealthy balance.
00:36:55.978 --> 00:36:58.052
Just either way it can become unbalanced.
00:36:58.052 --> 00:37:02.461
So it's important to kind of do your own self-assessment.
00:37:02.461 --> 00:37:08.731
How do you like, do you naturally lean more towards giving or taking, first of all, and then, why do you do that?
00:37:08.731 --> 00:37:10.173
Because there could be many reasons.
00:37:10.173 --> 00:37:32.963
And then, from there, then try to get some sort of therapy or something to to work through those issues and to come to terms with how you got there and what you need to do differently, to think in a more realistic and balanced approach, because it's not fun to be with someone who's your friend, who always wants to give you things over and over and over again.
00:37:32.963 --> 00:37:37.376
It's also not fun to be with a friend who's always taking things from you either.
00:37:38.137 --> 00:37:42.344
So you need to find a balance where both people respect each other.
00:37:42.344 --> 00:37:49.452
Like you respect them, they respect you, and then also that you feel like there's an equal exchange.
00:37:49.452 --> 00:37:54.751
But again, it's don't look at all the transactions, look at do they care about you and do you care about them?
00:37:54.751 --> 00:37:57.577
And are you both doing the best you possibly can?
00:37:57.577 --> 00:38:03.693
Because if you try to nickel and dime it down to like, is it equal to like two cents worth of accuracy?
00:38:03.793 --> 00:38:05.077
don't get into, it's never going to happen.
00:38:05.137 --> 00:38:15.900
There's always going to be unbalanced, like constantly, because if someone scratches your back and you try to scratch theirs, maybe they did it for a half microsecond longer right.
00:38:15.900 --> 00:38:17.684
So it's not going to be an equal exchange.
00:38:17.684 --> 00:38:21.280
The intent was I want to scratch your back, you scratch mine.
00:38:21.829 --> 00:38:43.686
Maybe one of them is a better back scratcher than the other, so it's not totally equal but here's something that balances that out, andrew when somebody gives like I've practiced a lot of giving in the last several years and it feels amazing and when I give to someone, the gift that they give back to me immediately, if they have the capacity for it, is thank you.
00:38:43.686 --> 00:38:45.351
This means a lot to me.
00:38:45.351 --> 00:38:46.554
I really appreciate this.
00:38:46.554 --> 00:38:50.327
That in itself is a gift back to the giver.
00:38:50.327 --> 00:38:59.775
But if someone gives something and someone makes a joke or they make an excuse or they're like oh, I bet you that cost a bit, thanks.
00:38:59.775 --> 00:39:13.911
Like, be an authentic receiver and show the person how much it means to you, that in itself is reciprocal feedback of the gift given and it feels amazing coming from the giver's perspective.
00:39:13.911 --> 00:39:21.443
But when it's blown off because the receiver's uncomfortable, that's not the best exchange of energy.
00:39:21.483 --> 00:39:40.657
That's not the best exchange of that relationship yeah, this is such a complicated process, right, because that interaction isn't even happening, probably based off of how they actually feel about the gift, but all the different, uh, invisible scripts that they have in their head, how they are as a person, and then that's leading to their reaction Similar to.
00:39:40.657 --> 00:39:50.853
I don't understand takers as much, right, because I'm not that kind of a person generally, and so it's like it is hard to grasp what is going on in their mind.
00:39:50.853 --> 00:39:53.458
Maybe it's survival.
00:39:53.458 --> 00:39:56.664
Actually, that would be a great comment to anyone who's has been a taker.
00:39:56.664 --> 00:40:00.960
Please comment and explain how that mindset works.
00:40:00.960 --> 00:40:02.123
Is it survival?
00:40:02.123 --> 00:40:06.592
Is it you're trying to one up other people Like I'm not really sure how that, or just cut that shit out?
00:40:07.757 --> 00:40:08.880
Just stop it.
00:40:08.880 --> 00:40:10.315
Start giving to people.
00:40:10.315 --> 00:40:10.876
You'll love it.
00:40:11.190 --> 00:40:14.039
Well, I was thinking more like people who are recovered takers.
00:40:14.179 --> 00:40:14.561
Okay.
00:40:17.730 --> 00:40:19.442
Any recovered takers out there want to get your take on it.
00:40:19.442 --> 00:40:31.438
I think even right from as kids right Right from when you're a kid you tend to lean one way or the other, and it might have to do with how your parents raised you or what was going on in the house at the time, and so like that sort of like goes forward.
00:40:31.438 --> 00:40:40.789
So I think, no matter how you were raised, who you were let's say you're in a wealthy family you're probably going to be used to receiving a lot yeah Right, and you just expect it.
00:40:40.789 --> 00:40:47.710
Maybe you're in like a poorer family and you're trying to take as much as you can because you feel there's a lack, yeah Right.
00:40:47.710 --> 00:40:51.902
And so I think the best thing is not to identify that person as bad.
00:40:51.902 --> 00:40:54.818
It's to identify that there is a problem there.
00:40:54.818 --> 00:40:55.739
It's to identify that there is a problem there.
00:40:55.739 --> 00:41:00.202
It's an imbalance that needs to get corrected, and let's see how willing is that person to correct it.
00:41:00.422 --> 00:41:02.425
Yeah, Because that starts with communication.
00:41:02.744 --> 00:41:08.701
Yeah, yeah, starts with communication and then you see, does action create results that start to improve things?
00:41:08.721 --> 00:41:19.137
Well, I think this would call for us bringing one of our relationship experts onto the podcast which will line up and we'll have a conversation with I'm thinking we're thinking of the same person right now.
00:41:19.137 --> 00:41:23.503
Yeah, um, we'll feature her on the podcast and we'll we'll dive into this one a little deeper.
00:41:23.503 --> 00:41:27.099
All right, so that's a wrap for the positive network podcast.
00:41:27.099 --> 00:41:28.916
A big thank you from Andrew and I.
00:41:28.916 --> 00:41:33.996
So leave us a question, uh, in the comments below that we can answer on a future video.
00:41:33.996 --> 00:41:37.963
We'd love to get to a full video of answering your guys' questions.
00:41:37.963 --> 00:41:39.505
Give you guys some feedback.
00:41:39.505 --> 00:41:41.115
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