Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Part 4: I Got My Period Back… Then Life Took an Unexpected Turn

Cynthia Donovan: Welcome to the Period Recovery Podcast. I'm your host, Cynthia Donovan, registered dietitian and period recovery expert who has been where you are. This podcast is for the active, high achieving woman who feels like she's doing everything right in her life, but her body isn't responding. Whether you've just discovered you have hypothalamic amenorrhea or you feel like you've already tried it all in regards to getting your period back and restoring your fertility, or you're on your journey to become a mom. you're in the right place. Here we go beyond just getting your period back. We talk about fueling your body, regulating your nervous system, redefining your relationship with food and exercise and stepping into the version of you that feels strong, feminine and fully you. This is your safe space for honest conversations, expert guidance and the deeper work that creates lasting change. So you can take the stress and the guests out, restore and keep your period and your fertility and your connection to yourself. Get ready to be inspired, get ready to feel seen, and finally get your period and life back. Let's go. Welcome back, everybody. The sun is shining here. It is a cozy fall day here in upstate New York, and I'm kind of wishing I grabbed a coffee before recording this. But I've actually been trying to cut back on my coffee. I find I sleep so much better when I don't. Like I will sleep. Everyone that says, yeah, I still sleep when I drink coffee, I do too. But the difference in sleep that I have is astronomic. McCullough. Like I'm telling you, I sleep so much more deeply. So, anyways, I'm like, all right, cutoff for me is morning time and it's nearing the afternoon. So, anyway, less about my coffee, more about the episode today. And this is part four in my story series. And this is gonna be the last part. And of course, life has happened after, you know, life will continue to happen. And I plan to give you guys some personal updates, but I'm hoping you take away from this recording, not just like, I connect to Cynthia's story, but I never thought of it this way. Could it be, could period recovery be asking so much more out of me? So maybe your period is the goal, right? Probably is if you're listening to this podcast, or maybe pregnancy is the goal. Probably is if you're listening to this podcast. But what if we're Is also asking you to become the woman who can live fully while she waits for this thing. So I just want to say, like, tell me if you can relate. I know for me, it was always like, all right, once I get this, I'll be happy. So we convince ourselves, like, okay, once we get the thing, we'll be okay and we can move on. But is that really true? So for me it was once I get the period, like once I figure this out, I'll be happy. Like it'll be done. Once I get pregnant, I'll be able to relax and not be viciously thinking, like, will I ever become a mom or being sad to see my friend get pregnant or my sister in law. Once, you know, I'm pregnant, I don't have to think about my body anymore. Like I'm gonna gain weight anyway, so I'll be fine. You know, once I have the baby, like that'll be it. Once I become a mom, I'll I'll feel complete. And once I get through whatever it is, I'll be able to enjoy my life. And so I think so many of us live our lives like this without even realizing it. And I'm not just talking like I'm talking about the whole world, not just women that are losing their period or missing their periods and and struggling with infertility. But a lot of people, you know, once I buy that camp or once I pay off my house or once I da-da-da, it's like the list goes on. But I know if you're listening here, it's because you want your period or you want to get pregnant. And I wanna be super, super like honest. I don't want you to stop wanting those things. So when I talk a little bit more about this, I don't want you to think like, this is you know fluff. Like we still need to like make sure we're getting enough food, rest, and like all the the structured part of recovery. And I don't want you to not want those things. I often tell my clients, I'm like, all right, let's not attach ourselves to the outcome. But it's like, well, what do you mean? Like, I'm trying to get my period back here. I'm trying to get pregnant. And that's not what I mean. Like, don't worry about that. I know how deeply you can want something when you've spent years feeling like your body has maybe taken something something away from you, years living in this bubble of you know what you thought life was supposed to be like. But what if we stopped just for a moment attaching ourselves to the outcome, meaning like once I get my period back, I'll be okay. Once I get pregnant, I'll be okay. What if we stop believing that the thing we're waiting for is the thing that's going to make us okay or happy? Okay. Again, I'm not saying not to want those things. But what if? The period isn't the finish line to all this or pregnancy. What if pregnancy, you know, becoming a mom isn't the finish line? What if the things you're working toward? Like you can work towards these period pregnancy, eating enough, resting enough, but while at the same time you're actually learning how to live your life now. Because I do think there is a very sneaky, I don't want to call it a trap, but in recovery because We take all the control, the perfectionism and the restriction that got us here and just simply redirect it into period recovery. And the thing is, you may not know any other way. I know I didn't, but now this period recovery, now maybe it was your body becoming the project. Like I have to get the perfect body and like flat at or flat stomach, abs, whatever, big butt. But now we're okay, well, I have to leave that behind. Maybe not fully. But put now I have to do period recovery. I need to like, once I found out I like knew what I had to do after five years of misdiagnosis stuff, I'm like, all right, I got it. I'm on it. And I'm not saying that's the wrong thing to do, but we just want to think about that. Is is this really gonna be the next thing that makes you okay, that makes you happy? So I don't want recovery to turn into the new project. It can be a project while you're still. living your life, right? Eating perfectly, resting perfectly, doing everything right, checking every symptom, counting, analyzing every change, looking at cervical mucus until we're blue in the face. And underneath all of it is this quiet belief, if I could just get my period back or get pregnant, like I'll be okay. Like I won't have to worry about this anymore. But what happens when you finally get it back? Do you suddenly are you suddenly healed? Do you suddenly like trust your body? Do you not worry about food anymore? For me, I can tell you the answer was no. Like getting my period back didn't erase all of my worries. It erased some of them because it was like, like my bone health feather and you know, I'm closer to becoming a mom and you know, all that. but it didn't take everything away. And I think one of the most important realizations of my journey was that period recovery was the first thing that was really hard for me. That was like mentally hard because yeah, college was hard. I'm not saying it was easy, but this was something deeper. There's a lot of emotions, a lot of attachments to things, self worth and all those things. So and I couldn't perfect my way into period recovery. And it it honestly it changed my life. It allowed me to know that I could do hard things, mentally hard things, not just like going to college or, you know, a broken bone. You know, it gave me Something I had been told that might not happen, like I wouldn't get pregnant naturally and you know, all the things. I became a mom. But it didn't make me magically a different person. It did uncover some things and make me able to enjoy my life much more. But I still had to learn how to trust and let go and that I couldn't control every outcome. And you know, motherhood brought those lessons in and This is what I want to talk about in this final part of my story because I used to think the goal was always to get the period, get the pregnancy. And it was, I'm not saying don't, or become a mom. But what I eventually started to understand was maybe the goal, and this is after the fact. So I get to like all the crazy things I've been to, I get to like put it in a nice box and say, like, I don't want to say this is what life could be like, but. all the things that I have gone through, I wasn't able to reflect on that until after I've gone through it, right? And you're probably going through it right now. So I'm hoping, you know, just hearing this is going to bring some connection to you more deeply to what your goals are on top of just a period in pregnancy. So, you know, maybe the deeper work for me was really learning how to fully be here for the life I was already living and not waiting for the next milestone and You know, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting until I felt like I was enough if I did the thing. And I think this is one of the hardest but also most beautiful parts of recovery. And so you can still want all these things. But you don't have to put your entire life on hold while you're waiting for it. And I just want to say that's a huge part of what we do inside the Recipe for a Period program because We are working towards the goal, right? We're getting you structure on how to eat, giving you structure on how to exercise, tracking hormonal symptoms so you know you're making progress, because that's very, very important. But we're not just working towards the period in the pregnancy. We work toward the woman who can have the period without being afraid to lose it, without needing to earn her food, to be able to go through the peaks and valleys of life just a little bit more gently and smoothly. You know, the woman who could enjoy exercise for all the right reasons and not feel like she has to compensate for food, the woman that can fall out of routine and not worry that she's messing anything up. And so in the woman, I wanna say this, that, you know, once you become pregnant, that you can enjoy every bit of your pregnancy without worrying about the food and the rest and the fitting into the post pregnancy genes and all the things that come along with how society pushes us to be in pregnancy. So yes, we're gonna work towards the goal. Period, pregnancy, extended, you know, recurrent periods, but we're also going to work toward the goal for the woman that is going to live beyond the goal, to live beyond just getting her period back or getting pregnant. Because it's important. Because thing more things are gonna pop up. And you know, your period can be a part of the life you're building, but it doesn't have to be the whole thing while you're putting everything else on hold and waiting for that. So, and for me, it was always the next thing. Get the body, right? Learn that I gotta look a certain way. Then okay, graduate from college. Okay, get engaged, get married. Okay, when I get all these things, I will be okay, I will feel better. And I'm gonna share a lot of inside personal bits inside my story of how this is truly all connected. And so I lead into thank you for listening up until this point, but let's let's get into the the the messy part. I thought my next thing, right? So I became a mom, if you heard in part one, part two, part three, I got my period back, got married, graduated college, got the job, I did all the right things and kind of the right order. And so my next feat was being a stay-at-home mom. I thought it would fulfill me. My then husband worked all the time. So I'm like, okay, this is going to be much easier if I stay at home and take care of my kids. And again, I just want to say for those that choose to be stay-at-home moms, like this is just my story. This is not your story. But I just want to offer this perspective on my site that, you know, maybe you might be feeling the same. But there's no wrong or right way to be a parent, stay at home, not stay at home, work halftime, et cetera. So, but I thought quitting my job to raise my babies, and honestly I didn't like my job. I was a dietitian in a contract, government contract, and it just it's was not fulfilling. And I couldn't fathom just working all the time and missing out on this precious time with my kids. And like I mentioned, my husband worked all the time. So I couldn't really rely on him much for support. So I thought, like, this is what I wanted. I have my family. I should be fulfilled. I work so hard for this. And like, we're gonna make some sacrifices, but everything will be okay. But I stayed home. I can't remember the the amount of time. I think it was less than a year. And I'm like, I this is not for me. Yes, I loved being with my kids, but it was almost like Something in my body was like, you're meant to do more than just be a mom. And I bet you there's people out there that are like, you are meant to be a mom. Like you might have something inside you that you are meant to be a mom and only a mom. So I decided, you know, well, my husband and I decided to I was gonna quit my job and raise the kids and help him with his meal prep business. And it was really cool at the time. He was a chef, I was a dietitian, and we ran a meal prep business together. And so I was alright, all right, maybe that's it. Do a little bit of that. Be a stay at home mom and mm no, that was not. yeah, that's all I'm gonna say. It was it was not the thing that fulfilled. And then I thought, okay, well maybe I get back into routine because I I took a big break from exercise, you know, when I was pregnant with both of my kids and I was kind of in a way fearful to go back. But I'm like, Okay, well maybe getting back into exercise and routine will help. And in I'm not gonna lie, it did help some, like to have that space for myself. But that wasn't the thing, right? And here I am still looking for the thing. What is the thing? And I started working a little bit with Dr. Nicola Sykes, conjunction with some clients so I could help them with their HA journey, just bits and pieces here and there. And, you know, that was it. And so I went on and I Wholeheartedly loved being with my kids, but I knew I need something else, and too can be true. And you know, my sister-in-law, I remember telling me, like, as I was, you know, explaining everything I just explained to you. She's like, Well, why don't you open your own business? And I'm like, there's not enough women that struggle with HA, because for some reason when we have HA, we feel like we're the only ones, but There is, I don't have the exact number, but I wanna say over 70 million worldwide that struggle with HA. So, you know, I didn't know that at the time. I knew that after the fact, but I'm like, and she was an entrepreneur as well. And she's like, You can totally do this. You'd have to go online and do it. And, you know, she it was a business major and she shared a lot. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, huh. And then I talked to my then husband about it. He's like, Yeah. He's like, Go for it. Absolutely. And so I went for it. And so I just want to say up until this point, the thing that I thought was the worst thing in the world, period recovery, and you may be thinking this too, I can't believe I'm going through this. Why me? all the emotions. But one of the worst things that I thought was happening to me actually became the thing that led me to all of you guys into my career into me being so excited to wake up this morning and be like, I get to record a podcast and yeah and so much more. my gosh. So so much more. And so, you know, I learned that my my pain, you know, all the struggle could be, you know, used to help someone else. However, I also had the science background, the credentialing as a registered dietitian to make sure it wasn't just coming from my experience. I think there's a lot of I don't want to say a lot, there's some practitioners out there that are really going based on their experience of being through HA themselves and you want to be very, very careful with that. So that's all I'm gonna say there. you know having empathy is one thing, but also having other things is really important as well. Okay, so 2020, I'm building this business. I am so excited. I decided I was gonna hire someone to help me, a business coach. You know, why work harder when I can work smarter? If someone has already been down that path and has mapped things out for you and is gonna help you get there faster, more efficiently, and more effectively. yes, hello. This is the first time I experienced that. And now, like anything I've done, like have had hardships with. whether it'd be something with my kids or my my marriage, etc., I w I I I invested in a coach. So, you know, I was also learning it was okay to ask for help because prior to that I was reading all these books and trying to DIY, getting in my business, and I'm so, so freaking glad I I hired a coach. So, you know, just a hint hint, and I'm not saying for me, but you know, knowing that someone else has done the really hard work that probably invested years of making curriculum and, you know, going to college, etc. You know, you can you can benefit from that too as well as in period recovery. So okay, super excited. Things were good. My kids were one and a half, three and a half, two weeks I was start to I was going to start with my business coach. And so excited to get things off the ground. I was already seeing some clients on the side, like I said before, but it wasn't until I hired the business coach that I was gonna make it, you know, official. So I'm gonna take a big deep breath here and because this is gonna be one of the harder parts of my journey. That I honestly thought period recovery and postpartum threw me for a loop. But two weeks before I started with my business coach, my husband, my then husband, he's still alive. We're divorced. I'm gonna share a little bit about that in a bit, but he was diagnosed with brain cancer. And that completely changed my life. And This is something like you don't get to control at all. And, you know, I was so I was always such a type A anxious kind of girl. And I remember many probably good maybe two years before that happened, I remember I was in my bedroom and my then husband said to me, He goes, Cynthia is like, what the hell are you gonna do when something really bad happens? I'm looking at them like, I don't know, like jump off of a bridge or something. Like, I have no I no idea. But he was pretty much saying, like, you sweat the small shit. Like, what are you doing? So anyway, two weeks before I was supposed to start really getting my business off the ground, mm, I received a phone call that changed my life. And I kind of knew when I was walking over to my phone and I saw this person that doesn't usually call me, I'm like, You know, that feeling when someone doesn't call you like, what's wrong? So the friend called me and had explained what was happening to my then husband who was having a seizure. And so, you know, we brought him to the ER and they did an MRI CAT scan and they found a mass on his brain. I had a three and a half and a one and a half year old and you know, of course, brain cancer, you think, Okay, that's it. And so nothing when I tell you nothing else mattered for me in that moment other than caring for my kids and making sure my then husband was going to be okay. Nothing else mattered. The Things mattered less and what I mean by that, I wasn't worried about the food anymore and the the body and shit like that. But all the other little things in life that I was still trying to grasp control to. But everything came up became about my family, it became about survival and just getting through the day, getting through the hours and just figuring out what was next. You know, there was a time where between his diagnosis and surgery, which which was maybe about a two week time period, where we're making out his will. And I'm like Is this real life right now? luckily we were able to be with some of the best doctors in the world down at MSK Memorial Sloan Kettering in New York City. We're in upstate New York, so we weren't too far away. But you know, so grateful for that. But we leaned very heavily on community. We had a beautiful CrossFit community backing us and Since he was a local business owner, you know, a lot of people just stepped in and helped out. I will never forget the outpouring love that the community gave us during this time from meal trains to just stopping over to notes to get like all the things. it was just beautiful. That's really between my friends, community, family members, that's that's definitely what What got me through, you know, because there's two different perspectives here. There's he's experiencing it and I'm experiencing it looking out from it. And so they're both extremely hard. So if you've ever been through cancer with a family member, I'm sure you can understand a little bit more deeply. But I just remember, gosh, being so grateful for the little things, just getting my hair washed, taking a shower, and a warm meal. Like the things like yeah, the s the the small things in life. Warm house. It just puts a lot in to perspective and I kind of was upset that it had made me like why did that have to happen for me to appreciate all this stuff? But You only know what you know when you know it. So anyway, going through that, it wasn't just a diagnosis and a brain surgery. It was followed by caring for a sick husband who just had that happen and all the emotions he was going through and he did as a result of his left frontal lobe, He had seizures and so he had to be on seizure medication. So I had experienced more seizures than I can possibly remember how many over the next couple of years and it was hard and so hard. And something about me became very obvious. And when I say obvious, I mean like months later, because it's nearly impossible. While you're in the thick of it. So right now you might be in the thick of infertility and period loss. And it's really hard to reflect and be like, well, I learned all these things through this hardship because you're still going through the hardship. It is impossible to learn and to grow and to see the gifts when you're going through the hard, hard stuff. So, you know. A couple of realizations that come for me, I really leaned heavily on my husband for everything, like every decision, like reassurance, direction, stability. Like I was not, even after recovery, like I was more connected to my body and what it needed, like as far as like food and rest went, but I was not connected to my I guess my wisdom and my intuition with things, right? And I'm not saying for everything, like a a mother's intuition is different than a father's intuition, but you know, I looked to him for a lot and then suddenly I couldn't lean on him anymore. I had to reconnect with my own mind and I had to make the decisions and I had to trust myself more deeply. And I had to figure things out. And I only wished, like I just remember walking through the streets in New York City as we were visiting him. And I'm just like, I used to complain about so much. So there was a lot of guilt. There was a lot of guilt there for me of being like, I can't believe like you were, you know, so upset over X, Y, and Z. And now look where you are. It's like Again, we can't go there. We can't. We can't go there. And what is normal anyways? Like, what is a normal life? So I really needed to take super good care of myself during this time and lean on, of course, people that were were were there for me. But, you know, showers were my gosh, showers were one of my most favorite things to do during this time. And then also I I just remembering this as I'm talking about it is that showers were a thing postpartum. It was like it was I was just so grateful for a shower and any kind of touch. pedicures, massage, my hair being washed. I remember just being so excited to get my hair washed and dried as I was down there for surgery in in New York City. And I leaned very heavily on talk therapy. And I was still working with my shaman at that point and leaning heavily on her. My very best friend Kara, who was the only person I knew that had been through something similar. She almost lost her daughter when she was six weeks old to glioblastoma. And she's a thriving nine-year-old now. I just want to say that. But she could really relate to what I was going through. And while no one else could. Now granted it was her daughter and my husband, it was very, very similar. So I really leaned into where I felt seen, I felt And somebody holding space for me versus someone being like, Cynthia, everything's gonna be okay. Don't worry. Like, because it wasn't okay and it wasn't gonna be okay for a really long time. And this was the first time my period was more than a couple days late. And so that's why I like to say, like, stress alone, like talk about a major stressor, stress alone will not like make your period go missing for months and years. It may delay it. It may shorten it, it may impact ovulation, but it's not going to make it completely go away. But I was sick to my stomach. I my my stomach was in my throat. And you know, I leaned on people making me food, smoothies, anything that I could do. I I tried my best because I knew how important nourishment was to me. So period recovery in a nutshell taught me how to start listening to my body, but life forced me to start listening and connecting more deeply with myself. And so when you have spent years overriding your body, you get pretty damn good at overriding just about everything. Your wants, your needs, your emotions, your intuition. Aside from hungerfulness, fatigue, you get so used to just overriding everything and not connecting. So you really learn that I don't need to listen to myself. Listen to everyone else. Listen to what their needs are. Let's forget about my needs. My needs are not important. And you could start doing that. Like chances are if you do that with your food, your rest, there's a strong chance you might be doing that in so many other areas of your life. So, you know, one thing, like, I'm not gonna talk about the food and the the the the rest part because you know he weren't eating enough and potentially not resting enough, but more things like I don't really like this, but it's fine. So and so wants it. I'm uncomfortable with this decision, but I should be grateful. You know, I don't want to do this, but everyone is kind of expecting me to. So this is why I teach recovery so much differently than I did in 2020 when I first started, because I don't want women just to eat more, rest more, and just you know, have a little bit of a better relationship with food and exercise. I want them to start hearing themselves again, stepping into the woman that they are meant to be without needing a big life-changing event like I had. And so it goes on to say, like, okay, thought I overcame you know, my husband having brain cancer and while raising a three and a half year old and a one and a half year old. But then two years later, maybe three years later, I don't know. I can't remember the time frame. It's kind of a blur. I ended up getting a divorce. So, you know, like I said, just when the hard stuff was gone done, something else comes. And, you know, I had thought, okay, once I get through this brain cancer thing, I don't want to say its thing, but this this season of my life, then I'll be okay again. So that happened and I'm not gonna lie, like my intuition told me years before, like when I was pregnant, that this may not work out, but you don't wanna listen to that. You don't wanna be like, yeah, I'm gonna get a divorce and okay, cool, maybe I should like listen to my intuition and go file for one right now. No, you have this friggin' story in your head of what your life was what you intended your life to look like, right? Maybe it was get married, have the kids, live happily ever after. And so you know, I didn't want to believe that feeling and I wasn't gonna go down without a fight. I wasn't gonna go down without a fight without trying to rectify and and make this this marriage work. And you know I didn't want to listen to that intuition and it popped up a lot of places. But I didn't know it. When I say this, I didn't know it until after the fact. Like I like now I can look back and be like, that was a sign, that was a sign, that was a sign, that was a sign. But you don't know it until you're removed from the situation. So, you know, I don't want to say you don't have to listen to it until you're removed, but sometimes you really can't see the writing on the wall when you're in the thick of whatever it may be. So When this happened, my my entire life disappeared. And I don't want to say we didn't try to work it out. We did, you know, we did the counseling thing and you know, all that. But I can look back now, hindsight is 2020 and how I kind of was just looking for the next thing. I'm like, well, maybe marriage will, you know, be the thing. You know, getting engaged. Like once we get engaged, like he's not going anywhere. There's lots of things I'm not gonna get into it because for time's sake and I'm happy to lend an ear. But I want this I want this episode to not be like Too much about that part because it's just a part of the whole bigger picture of recovery. So, you know, there's a lot of things that I envisioned for my life. You know, he was actually my high school sweetheart, and how cute is that. I grew up with a single mom, you know, I my dad wasn't in the picture, and I just so badly wanted to create a different family story for myself. And so when I, you know, thought about divorce, it wasn't just, I'm like not gonna be with this man anymore. It was like The future I had imagined for myself is completely gone. Like raising kids, like together and all the thing, like gone. So much grief, so much anger, fear, huge fear. Like, how am I gonna be able to support myself? You know, identity crisis, like who was I if I wasn't his wife? You know, and becoming a single mom, how am I gonna raise these two little kids by myself? And yeah, that identity piece was like, who the hell are you without this person? Because you've been with him since high school. at the end of the day, we were two different people with different goals, different thoughts on how we wanted to move into our lives, and we amicably, you know, settled that and we're good friends now. And now we, you know, raise our kids. he doesn't live too close by, you know, that's a whole set of things to single parenting. But anyways, so what I just want to kind of relate is just sharing some of my story about all of this in how recovery shows up. Time and time again. And, you know, I learned something through recovery and bigoted lives, life events, you know, such as surviving, you know, seeing a loved one go through cancer, that I can in fact survive discomfort. I can, in fact, do hard things. I can sit in uncertainty. I can stop trying to control everything. recovery, you know, didn't make divorce easy, but it gave me. the tools and the proof that I can do hard things. Though I spent months crying and grieving and all the things, I got to put more tools in my toolbox. I got to, you know, connect more deeply to myself. And man, when I tell you guys my single life, like I thought it was gonna be the depths of despair. It was for a little bit, not gonna lie, but it also was the most beautiful thing in the world. And it connected me so deeply to myself. And I'll share a little bit more about the unicorns and butterflies throughout all of this. So, you know, surviving this sometimes looked like surviving off smoothies to get my nourishment and double sessions and therapy, more friend time, you know, deeper connection to others that have gone through this. My friend Kara, she was another big instrumental part in my divorce and helping me through it. And as well as my other friends, but she went through a divorce. So is there something about the relatability when someone has gone through something that is just so powerful. so this also meant to saying no, and in a big, big, big learning on how to create boundaries for myself with other people, whether it be future relationships and also people that were already in my life. And I found out through that all that I'm like, my God. I just said yes to everything. I was completely boundaryless. And you know, it was really hard to survive through all these life events. And some days I took it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time. Nourishment was cornerstone for me though. I'm telling you, if I did not have the nourishment, I knew how much more anxious and sad and reactive I would be if I didn't eat. So I relied on food heavily and did my best to make sure, like no matter what, I was trying to have proper nourishment. So, you know, recovery doesn't mean life is not gonna happen. The question really becomes do we start to have, you know, the tools? And can we make sure we have the nourishment to to to get through? So let's see, what else do I want to say here? I do want to say if you're asking this question, because I asked myself this question, like, how in the hell did you like build a business and still like thrive in your practice through all this shit? what I can tell you is that. My mom was very instrumental in this. She pretty much has helped me raise my boys. so you know, whenever I had to work late, when they got out of school or I need someone to watch them, you know, she was always there helping me do my laundry, helping me wash dishes, pick up you know, the house and and so forth. She was, yeah, without her probably I don't know if I would have survived. So thank you, mom. And what I also wanted to say is that I Aside from being a mom, this is my life's purpose, what I'm doing here today. And that woke me up and got me out of bed every day to the joy and the light that I get from shining my light to other women and helping them through tough times and navigating things that they may not be able to see themselves and me being like, All right, well, let's try this or like let's how about this or you know those kind of hidden parts of recovery or disguised parts of recovery that I'm able to not only see that from an empathetic lens, but from a scientific lens and provide them both with the empathy and the science behind it. But like I just I loved working in my business, recording podcasts and seeing women succeed and get their periods back or get pregnant and change lives. So I knew that I was meant to be somewhere else. And to this day I still wake up with this beautiful practice that I have of serving women across the world. And I I just some days I cannot believe I get to do this. Like I can't believe I get to shed light to other women, whether it's directly or indirectly. And so aside from being a mom, this is my this is my life's purpose. And I yeah, I am just overwhelmed with gratitude. All right. I'm gonna try to keep this at an hour and not to share too much more because I think those I hit on most of the important points and connections to, you know, what I think is the bigger picture. But I just want to share the unicorns and butterflies now. Because not only well, I don't want to say there was no unicorns and butterflies along the way, like I had these amazing clients. I'm seeing my kids walk and talk and learn and like Yes, there was a lot of good things along the way and I really honed in on those and the gratitude that came along. and so grateful for all the people that have supported me over the years. And I forgot, I just wanted to give a big shout out to my neighbor, my friend, and Kunalini yoga teacher and practitioner who took care of me and did deep meditations and healing work on top of all the other stuff that I was doing, out of the kindness of her heart and To this day, the tea that she would serve me each time I I I connected with her. I still think of her every time I have that tea. And it's one of my favorite teas. It's yogi, stress relief, lavender, honey tea. So anyway, let's talk about My world got bigger. And I still continued as my world got bigger and funner and more bright and beautiful. I still continued my self-care practices throughout meditation, seeing my shaman, spending time in nature, etc. But I'm so excited because I always, always wanted to start to become a hiker, hike in the Adirondack high peaks. So I started getting into that, and I believe it was in 2023, I hiked my first high peak. And it was, my gosh, if I could go back and really I I can't even describe. It was magical. Freaking magical. And I'm like, whoa, like I've never felt that way in my entire life. I'm like, okay, so this is my my calling or my intuition of trying to get me to the mountains. It was just I I if you've hiked a high peak before. Or a high mountain. I I think you'll know what I'm talking about. but anyway, I got back into doing some racing. and what I mean by racing is like a I can't remember the name of the the race, but like tough mutter kind of things. And so I did that. I started getting back into running. I started really reconnecting to that part of me, but for all the right reasons. I learned how to rock climb, mountain bike. I definitely connected way more deeply to nature and I was able to go on a solo Hawaii trip and New York to Hawaii like that I wouldn't have never like years past like I would never have gone on a solo trip. Not because of anything happening, but I would I would have been too scared to go. And I went skydiving when I was out there. I got to go on a bachelorette trip to I think it was Charleston. I started dating, really, really connecting more deeply with my business. And yeah, so those are just some of the highlights. And I just want to say like look at the contrast here. Like there was nothing about like my body or how I was eating or how I looked or was I good today. How did I fix myself? And now it's more like, where do I get to go next? What mountain am I gonna climb next? Where do I wanna travel? Who do I want? Who is the woman I really want to become? What kind of business do I want to build? What kind of relationship do I want? Not just with a romantic partner, but with anyone. What do I actually want my life to look like? Because all these things, like I did the period, I did the pregnancy, I did the motherhood, I got through some life events. I'm sure there's gonna be more hard life events. But How do I continue to grow and acquire more tools or a deeper set of them to live my fullest, freest life? And, you know, like I said, my world got bigger than my life was before getting my period back and pregnant. You know, it started then, but it even transformed even more deeply. Because what if actually, wait, not what if, these hardships that we go through, period, loss, infertility, maybe a big life event, maybe divorce, they can open some of the most beautiful doors, but it's not until you're ready to see them. So it's not like, yeah, my mom just got diagnosed with cancer. What beautiful doors are gonna be opening? No. It's like you need to focus on that, but you also need to take care of yourself. And then there's this quote and I don't know who it's by. Life can always life always has to be lived forward, but can only be looked at backward. So you always have to live forward. Right? And know that there is something greater, bigger, something that is going to connect you more deeply with yourself, even through the hardship. But again, you're not gonna know this when you're going through the hardship. But I'm telling you this. I'm telling you. So I just wanna connect one more time because maybe your food and body struggles, you know, aren't just taking away your peace around food, like, I can't enjoy this food, I can't enjoy that food, or I can't whatever. But maybe they're taking pieces of your life away. Maybe they're making the hard shit even harder. I don't wanna say maybe. They are making the hard shit harder. I look back and I'm like, if I had to like do the whole math calculations and all the things and also go through all these hard things like It would have been much harder. not impossible. Not impossible, but harder. And so, you know, when you're constantly thinking about all these things, the food, the exercise, the weight, your stomach, your next meal, whether you deserve something or earned it, that's all brain space. That's all precious, precious brain space that we could be my gosh. We could be doing so much more with. And, you know, when I say more, creativity, connection, relationships. Adventure, intimacy, friendship, travel, personal growth, dreams, getting through the hard shit just a little bit more easy. And when I think about this, I'm like, you know, there's always gonna be life events that happen. But can we make these waves not be like big waves? Can we make them smaller waves? Because there's gonna still be the waves, but it's how do we how do we sit in that uncertainty? Right? So You know, at the end of the day I thought like being healthy, like when this all started, I'm talking like way before I lost my period, or I knew I lost my period because I was on the pill. I just thought being healthy was like that was the thing I needed to do. Like I need to be healthy. I need to follow the rules, go to the gym and eat the food. But it wasn't that. Like life isn't about being healthy in that way. But, you know, through all this, I can look at every woman with a missing period. And really pinpoint the exact nutrition needs and exercise needs, and know that she could be living a so much more full-free life around all of this. and she could be doing recovery in a much easier and connected way so that she could get her period back, plus so many other things. So, but gosh, at the time I did not think and I did not realize how much. I was filtering my life through through my body. And my mind, I guess, for that matter. So, you know, when you go through period recovery. At least I can speak personally for my clients. I don't wanna say in general. But so many of my clients are like, shit, like I now that I'm not like controlling everything I'm eating, how I exercise and all this stuff, like I'm crying. I I'm realizing like my husband's been being really mean to me, or I'm realizing like I say yes to my mom all the time. I'm realizing that. I wanna do more than just be a nurse, you know. There's things that I want. There's relationships that aren't serving me. So there's so many emotions. I talked to my sister a lot about this too, who is my best friend. And she struggled with HA and infertility. She's like, my gosh, she's like Cynthia, she's like, I just feel everything so much more deeply. And I'm like, yeah, we peeled peeled that layer back, girl. You know, because we controlled so much through food and created so much safety around our bodies, food, exercise and how we look, we were able to kind of in essence like numb out feeling all the other feelings, you know. And if you're here like thinking like, what other feelings are there? That's okay. You you don't need to know now. But, you know, so many of my clients are just like, I there's really a lot more underneath all of this. Than what I thought. And so sometimes recovery can feel a little bit harder before it gets better because we're not just eating more, we're resting more. We're going against identity. We're going against emotions. We're going against upbringing, maybe childhood trauma, like so much. And you know, all these feelings though that are coming up, I just want to let you know they're not regression. But give yourself lots of grace because you are doing many hard things at once. You're not just eating more and resting more. You are doing that plus a whole lot of other bits. So at the end of the day, though, we're all works in progress. And I'm not gonna lie, like, yeah, I've been through some really hard things in my lives. And I'm sure I'm going to be through going through more. and guess what? Sometimes I still have really hard days, and I'm like, Cynthia, like, why are you feeling like this? Like, you should be so grateful. Like, Sometimes I have that negative self-talk still, but we're all works in progress. And, you know, I still have moments where perhaps old thoughts that I used to think, you know, ten years ago just creep in. But the difference, the big difference is is that they don't run my life anymore. And I have tools. I have acquired many tools. And I make sure that I'm, you know, keeping up on my I guess my mental health hygiene, if you will. I guess that's a great way of saying it. But guess what? Then there's weeks that I don't keep up on it. And man, man, do I feel it? But the waves of life used to feel like this for me. Now they're more like this for me. And maybe one day they'll be like this. I don't know. You know, we're all works in progress. but I can tell you everything was exponentially harder when I was underfueled. Because that rational part of your brain is not able to come online when your your brain and body is in survival mode. So eventually, you know, it becomes like I can have the thought because you might say, Well, I'm never gonna I like I'm never gonna get rid of these thoughts. And to a certain extent, you might still have some of the thoughts. but you're gonna have the thought and be able to do the thing still. So have the thought, eat the meal, have the thought, get in the picture. I think you get the picture, no pun intended. So the thought doesn't become the instruction, needless to say. So what I want you to listen and know about. So if you're in recovery right now, I'm sending big, big, big deep hugs to you because you are not just working towards the period and the ovulation, the fertility, the lab value, whatever it may be, the cervical mucus. You're building self-trust, if you're able to hear it, resilience, body trust, emotional capacity, flexibility, and the ability to tolerate uncertainty. So once you get your period back and you get it regular, you're like, look, there's proof. I did that. I did that really hard thing. so and through these hard things, we don't know what it's gonna unlock. Couple last things I I want to share because if I told you know, if I could tell the 2016 version of Cynthia or 2012, whatever it may be, like, okay, you're gonna, you know, be so much more, you're gonna be doing all the things, she probably would have been like, gave me the big middle finger. I'm not gonna lie, 'cause she had her own mind, a very tunnel vision, very like what's what is what, and you know, worst case scenario thinking, all the things. So but I w would have liked to have told her is that, you know what, you may not know what's coming. You may think the period, the baby, is the finish line, but all of this is just the beginning of this beautiful life you're going to create because you don't know it yet, but you are going to become a mom. That's why I like to tell all my clients, it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. You'll have another baby. You'll build this beautiful business and touch more lives than you can Imagine in the most deep ways. You're gonna go through some really hard shit, but you are gonna come out the other side. You're gonna become a single mom, but you're going to think it's really hard, but also see all the beauty and gifts of it. You're gonna hike some badass mountains, and you're gonna race again. You're gonna travel alone and love it. You're going to date. And have so much fun and start to get to know a part of you that you've never gotten to know, and a part that is gonna help you build your future relationship with the man that you're supposed to be with, that you're gonna rebuild all of what you thought was going to be broken or not rebuildable. You're going to find the love of your life, and you're gonna become someone that your younger version of you Would just her mind would explode because she's just so damn proud. And most importantly, you're going to become someone you can trust and depend on. And you're gonna always come back to yourself. So yeah, that kind of bringed tears to my eyes because man, it's been a journey, and guess what? It's still gonna be a journey, and that's okay. And you know, I don't teach. Women period recovery because I want them to have a period so they can just check that box and move on. I teach it because I know it's on the other side. And I don't mean that your life is gonna be perfect and you're gonna like unicorns and butterflies and all the things. There's gonna be uncertainty. There's gonna be things you didn't choose, but I want you to know. No, I want you to know it'll be okay, but I want you to have you. When those things happen and a period and a baby. I want you to know how to nourish, how to care for yourself, how to feel, how to adapt, how to take up space, how to live, how to trust yourself, how to listen to yourself when you need rest and so much more. And you know, just food for thought. Maybe recovery isn't about getting back to the woman you were before you lost your period. Like, I'm gonna get back and I'm gonna do all the exercises and go back to cross or whatever it may be. Just keep an open mind because There could be so much more. And it could be you go back to the thing you love and and so much more, right? But it's really about becoming the woman that you have never had an opportunity to meet. The woman behind the fear, the body checking, the woman that is needing to control everything, exercise rule, the perfectionism, all the things. And maybe your period is simply the first sign that you are truly coming back to yourself. And that's so beautiful. So we are all works in progress. And you know, I wouldn't trade the woman I'm becoming for the woman I thought I needed to be. So just keep that open because it can be so much more beautiful than you thought, but our brains only have a certain capacity to see what's possible. But so much, so much is possible for you. So and if you're listening to this thinking, okay, but I don't just want to understand this. I actually want to get my period back. I just want to know what I need to do. And that's why I did create the recipe for a period because I don't want you spending five years trying to figure this out on your own, questioning every meal and just wondering if it's enough or it's not enough, every workout, every symptom, like wondering if this is enough, if if this is gonna happen for you. So inside a recipe for a period coaching program, we're working toward. That goal of getting your cycle back, of course, with the tangibility of how much you should be eating, how much you should be resting. But we're also going to work towards the woman who can nourish herself without fear, the woman who could move her body without constantly needing exercise to control it, the woman who can trust her body instead of monitoring it. And ultimately, the woman who doesn't have to put her life on hold while waiting for her body to cooperate. And so if You are that woman ready to work towards getting your period back pregnancy and you're ready to do the deeper work that makes recovery and life sustainable and so much more enjoyable. I would love to support you. And I'm gonna leave a link in the show notes to apply. And we would have a quick discovery call to make sure that. This is a line for you, and that this does feel like the next best step for you. And guess what? If you're not ready, totally understand. But keep listening, keep learning, keep taking care of yourself in this season. Because as I've learned through all these years of my own story, you do not have to wait until you get where you're going to start living your life. So Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for being here today. And if you enjoyed this episode or you enjoy my podcast at all, please share it. If you want to keep that anonymous that you're working towards your period, I would love for you to leave me a review on Apple, Spotify, subscribe on YouTube. This is just going to serve more women in getting them the answers that they need, just like you have found. So thank you again. To all the amazing women out there, hope you enjoyed this episode. Take a moment to reflect on what resonated and how you can start applying it to your own recovery journey. I truly want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and listening to the podcast. I know there are so many podcasts and resources out there and it means the world to me that you're choosing to spend this time with me. If you're looking for more support on your recovery journey, visit my website periodnutritionist.com. And if this episode supported you, it would mean the world to me. Again, if you just subscribe, left a review, or shared it with another woman who needs to hear this. The more we talk about missing periods and fertility, the more women we could support. Are you ready to get your period back and step into the woman you were meant to be? I'll see you in two weeks.