WEBVTT
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00:00:52.734Welcome back.
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00:01:02.884This week we are talking about relationships and I'm very excited about this conversation because I really really could use it this week.
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00:01:16.557As I was looking through my notes and bringing up some thoughts about what I might speak about, what we might speak about, I was just like, oh oh, this is, this, is, these are the things that you would give your clients exactly what you need, christina.
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00:01:23.251How peculiar that that always seems to happen magically and some kind of synchronicity.
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00:01:35.158Anyway, I have with me Amy Stone and Hannah Blackburn and we are going to talk about relationships and midlife and how relationships shift.
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00:01:44.402I think that I know I had this dream that I would have girlfriends from like my teenage years and then have them forever, and it's like I can't.
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00:01:48.097Even some people are very lucky to have childhood friends.
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00:01:49.981My husband has a whole group of them.
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00:01:52.975I do not have any of those friends.
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00:01:59.597Our lives changed, and so that just shows how relationships can change, and it doesn't have to be bad.
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00:02:02.043Just is, you know, the changing thing.
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00:02:07.983So, without any further ado, let's just introduce our guests and have them introduce themselves.
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00:02:10.074Hey, amy, how are you?
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00:02:11.598I'm good.
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00:02:12.740I'm so happy that you're here.
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00:02:14.705Yay, all right, my name is Amy Stone.
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00:02:36.561I live in sunny Miami Florida, which is not so sunny today, and what I do these days is I have a transformational life coach for step-parents and adults in blended families Really, basically any adult who has a family and is looking for more pleasure and joy and less stress, right?
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00:02:38.403So what does that mean?
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00:02:39.092What do I do?
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00:02:39.534How do I?
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00:02:40.258How did I get there?
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00:02:41.182I have you guys.
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00:02:42.067I have a bunch of kids.
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00:02:43.472I have two stepkids.
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00:02:45.176I was a stepmom before I was a mom.
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00:02:58.531I did you talk about relationships, which we can talk more about that I went into that situation with all of the optimism and positivity and naivete that you can do as a 24, 27-year-old person.
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00:03:01.498I thought I was nice, they were nice, what could possibly go wrong?
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00:03:09.383And then, to make that situation even easier, I very quickly added two more kids, love kids, love family.
00:03:09.383 -->
00:03:14.479Gotta say they never, ever, ever simplify anything is my master advice there.
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00:03:20.776I don't make anything easier and simpler, and so I'm excited to have this conversation Today.
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00:03:34.195I very much fall into that category of midlife right smack in the middle, proudly Gen X, and trying to reconcile the reality that my favorite songs are now being played at the grocery store.
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00:03:35.337Classic.
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00:03:36.661They're on classic radio.
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00:03:37.883Now I heard it the other day.
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00:03:43.022I was like this is classic radio and it was like Billy Idol and I was like classic.
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00:03:45.052Am I classic?
00:03:45.052 -->
00:03:46.276I'll go with that.
00:03:46.276 -->
00:03:46.978I'm classic.
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00:03:47.879We're now classic.
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00:03:49.591There we go Officially.
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00:03:52.758Yeah, yeah, thank you, amy and Hannah.
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00:03:55.022Welcome to the Inviting Chef podcast.
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00:03:57.396Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
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00:04:00.338Yeah, tell us a little bit about you and what it is that you do.
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00:04:23.973So my name is Hannah, I live in London and I am a transformational somatic coach, so that means I help people regulate their nervous systems and achieve goals that they believe that they can't achieve, and achieve goals that they believe that they can't achieve by shifting fears, blocks, doubts, essentially anything that's held and stored in our system.
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00:04:28.613So it could be trauma, it could just be old belief systems, it could be ancestral, it could be you know wherever we picked up all these beliefs from?
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00:04:44.132And so, yeah, I help people shift the stuff that's in the way, essentially helping people get out of their own way so that they can really attract and create the life that they desire, because I think there's a lot of people out there who do not believe that they can have what they want, and I believe that anyone can have exactly what they want.
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00:04:51.152There's just a method and a yeah the tools, I suppose, to get there that are needed.
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00:05:00.180Yeah absolutely, and I love that, so Cause we were even talking about this before we started recording about how, like, I get clients that come to me and go.
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00:05:10.080What's the point of working on relationships, christina, if I can't get the other person to go to therapy with me, or I can't get the other person to do what I think that they should be doing Right?
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00:05:37.072And it's like you would be surprised how much one person can impact a relationship, because if you're in this weird like do loop of getting angry and in a bad space, or you have the same argument over again, if somebody breaks that cycle, the other person has to respond differently, because you know, keep go ahead, keep yelling, but I'm going to walk away.
00:05:37.072 -->
00:05:45.110Well, that person's not going to keep yelling, right, we're going to have to find a new way to communicate if I'm going to walk away, and every time you're yelling and you yell a lot.
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00:05:48.316So I mean we can make a huge difference.
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00:05:56.197I think what it comes down to for me and I don't want to go into this too deep because I want to talk about why relationships change, but they're hard.
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00:06:03.718I think we expect them to be easy all the time and that we're just going to show up and it should be happily ever after.
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00:06:04.800Isn't that what happens?
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00:06:14.778You meet the Prince Charming, you marry them and things are just smooth, kind of Amy, like you were saying in your intro, like, of course, we're all nice people, we can get along.
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00:06:17.123Doesn't that make a family?
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00:06:25.693Well, right, that's where the movie ends, right, the movie ends with Happily Ever After, nobody gave us the book.
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00:06:27.880That's like, what does it take to make that happen?
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00:06:48.512And one of the crazy things that I think about a lot now, looking back over several decades, is that surprise, right, that surprise that it was like, well, I thought this was supposed to be easy and I actually thought that being a child was the piece that maybe trained me to be a parent, which doesn't turn out to be true.
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00:06:49.336In my experience.
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00:06:50.863They're two different experiences, right.
00:06:50.863 -->
00:06:52.890Being a kid trained me to be a kid.
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00:06:55.034Being a parent is how I learned to be a parent.
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00:07:06.491Being a step-parent is how I learned to be a step-parent, and that has been a crazy, crazy realization for me.
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00:07:10.670I've had, like I have these, I call them the moments where you look for an adult to your adult, where you find yourself in a situation where somebody expects you to do something.
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00:07:12.474Like you know, fix the plumbing.
00:07:12.474 -->
00:07:14.278Like, deal with a clogged toilet.
00:07:14.278 -->
00:07:15.020You know a leak.
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00:07:18.427Like you know, fix the plumbing like deal with a clogged toilet.
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00:07:19.008You know a leak.
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00:07:23.372You know, continue to do the laundry.
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00:07:26.947And you're just like how am I the person who's in charge of this and you like look over your shoulder like shouldn't there be somebody else that I can?
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00:07:29.515Where is the adult to your adult to tell me how to do this?
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00:07:32.632Fortunately, that is your circus and those are your monkeys.
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00:07:35.599It's the most painful realization.
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00:07:39.695In the middle of the night it's like wow, my circus, my monkeys.
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00:07:44.389Yeah, and it's lovely too, I'm sure it is no.
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00:07:46.174Of course, lots of beautiful moments.
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00:08:03.601We're not taking that away, but that's that's what we mean, like even like, oh, you know when, when we were young, we were like oh well, I know exactly how I'm going to parent and I'm going to do it perfectly, and this is what my parents are doing wrong, and I'm never going to do any of those things or say any of those things or make my kid feel this way.
00:08:03.601 -->
00:08:05.455And it was like yeah, right.
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00:08:07.790Well, one of the.
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00:08:17.130I don't know if you experienced this, Christina or Hannah, but one of the craziest things that I have realized as an adult is when I was a teenager, I thought I was delightful.
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00:08:25.179You guys, I thought I was delightful and then, being in the situation where I'm living with other small people, I have come to this stunning.
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00:08:31.579I watch them do things that I myself did as a child and I think to myself, huh, not at all fucking delightful.
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00:08:34.793I'm so sorry I just cursed on your show, but it's like.
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00:08:40.731It's like I see them do it and I was like, oh, you know, I don't think I was maybe as delightful to live with as I thought I was.
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00:08:50.393I was delightful to my friends, but I'm pretty sure that my parents and my aunts and uncles and grandparents were like, wow, we are looking forward to this person growing up a little bit.
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00:08:54.995Yeah, yeah, we call them the huff and puff ears with my stepdaughter.
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00:08:58.858Huff and puff ears, yeah, those were challenging, you do?
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00:09:01.139you do have a lot of control of how you experience it, right?
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00:09:05.882So you were saying, if you walk out of the room, you know it makes it harder to people yell at you.
00:09:05.882 -->
00:09:23.876And one of the things I've learned is the other part of it, which is like sometimes you learn not to walk into the room, right?
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00:09:32.882It's like, oh, if this person is not willing to meet me where I am, then the shift that I can make is how much I'm willing to put myself in the firing line.
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00:09:50.490You know and I think Hannah was talking about that a little bit before we got on the thing it's like it changes how we want to see our life, changes how other people, how we allow other people to interact with us yeah, exactly, and I obviously you guys are talking about this like on the behavioral level, because that's like the obvious sign of things.
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00:10:05.024And then there's the like energetic side of things, like when we start to change how we feel about our own sense of self-worth, and I think that's really interesting as well, like the way that relationships mirror back to us, our sense of self.
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00:10:27.773Ultimately, like, the stronger we feel in ourself, the more able we are to set boundaries, and I think it's really interesting that people, how people react to boundaries when they're not so spoken, let's say that, when they're not so overt, when the boundaries are more so, this is what I'm going to tolerate and, just as you said, actually, amy, it's more like I'm going to choose not to enter the room.
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00:10:29.302That's kind of an energetic boundary.
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00:10:37.611That's kind of like I don't even need to tell you, but I'm just going to allow you to feel where I'm at with this and I think that's really powerful as well.
00:10:37.611 -->
00:10:41.961Right, that kind of, yeah, showing people how you want to be treated.
00:10:41.961 -->
00:10:45.299I think it's super powerful, yeah.
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00:10:45.822Right.
00:10:45.822 -->
00:10:52.160I mean, when I think about it, like there are certain people they don't have to tell you your boundaries, you just kind of behave around them.
00:10:52.160 -->
00:10:53.131You know what I mean?
00:10:53.131 -->
00:10:57.092We kind of respect that just because we can feel that.
00:10:57.092 -->
00:11:05.997And then there's people who we do have to set the boundary with, and it doesn't mean that there, that there's anything wrong with that, it's.
00:11:05.997 -->
00:11:13.336It's really easy for me to be like hey, um, I think I just set a boundary the other day with my husband, but it was spoken.
00:11:13.336 -->
00:11:19.645It was like hey, when I'm in my workspace and you come in, you're like emoting stuff.
00:11:19.645 -->
00:11:22.249Could you just give me a warning?
00:11:22.249 -->
00:11:23.649Like I would love a warning.
00:11:23.649 -->
00:11:32.841If not, I might have to stop you and take a breath or something, because my brain is here and that is really hard for me to do that.
00:11:32.841 -->
00:11:34.476I'm not really a good switcher.
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00:11:44.295I have to like I need a moment and a breath, and so just having those boundaries and my husband's really good, we're really good at hearing each other and doing our best.
00:11:44.435 -->
00:11:47.903Right, we don't always succeed but doing our best.
00:11:47.903 -->
00:11:53.259But boundaries are something that we don't like to speak.
00:11:53.259 -->
00:11:56.345And even before that, how about?
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00:11:56.644Like?
00:11:56.644 -->
00:12:06.367One of the biggest tips I have for people and it sounds so ridiculously simple is asking for what one is really important.
00:12:06.367 -->
00:12:20.622And and I know this is kind of flipping over, but I think so often we like miss so much communication or we have to have so much communication and you know, miscommunication just because we're not asking for what we want.
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00:12:24.279We go about it in different ways, right, amy?
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00:12:47.694Yeah, specialist, but establishing or reestablishing the connection between my body experience, my like somatic experience of living, and you learning to use that as cues to figure out like, what do I want?
00:12:48.055 -->
00:12:50.260and what is important to me and also you can maybe.
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00:12:51.143What do I not want?
00:12:51.143 -->
00:12:56.550Like, oh my gosh, this react, my body is reacting to this in a physical sense, and what does that mean?
00:12:56.550 -->
00:13:09.611And trusting, creating the safety and security, like the skills to create for yourself the safety and security to be able to speak up for that um and to lean into it, um and and.
00:13:09.611 -->
00:13:09.932And.
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00:13:21.044The other side of that, which is, you know, often more urgent, is um is learning that transition from child children give that responsibility to the adults in their life.
00:13:21.044 -->
00:13:23.492It's the adult's responsibility to create safety for a child.
00:13:23.492 -->
00:13:38.701Then you magically become an adult and if you don't figure it out, you will still give that authority and the power to the other people in your life and you may not realize, but you will give your boss and your boyfriend and the homeless guy on the corner.
00:13:38.701 -->
00:13:44.961You just automatically assume that they are in charge of creating safety for you, which makes it very hard to ask for what you want, right.
00:13:44.961 -->
00:13:57.211And then trusting yourself and saying, no, it's okay for me to stand up and say I actually don't like it when you walk into my office or hey, I don't want to talk about politics with you it upsets me.
00:13:57.531 -->
00:14:02.764Or, by the way, this meal that you make every Thursday night, I think is disgusting.
00:14:02.764 -->
00:14:18.384You know that one probably doesn't go over as well in a family as the others but, you know like that that process and seeing putting it all together, it's, it's complex and the cues are confusing.
00:14:19.649 -->
00:14:30.462Yeah, what I loved what you said about that was I remember one time I walked into my husband's office while I was talking to him and I was just like, hey, you don't spend enough time with me.
00:14:30.462 -->
00:14:32.215And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:14:32.215 -->
00:14:34.881I was feeling really small in that moment, I'm sure.
00:14:34.881 -->
00:14:37.292Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:14:37.292 -->
00:14:42.430I was feeling really small in that moment, I'm sure, and unimportant and all of these other things, and I just like, and he's like what is it that you want around this, though?
00:14:42.430 -->
00:14:45.216And I was like what do I want?
00:14:45.216 -->
00:14:47.462I want you to make me feel loved, Like.
00:14:47.462 -->
00:14:49.591And he's like yeah, and how can I do that?
00:14:49.591 -->
00:14:52.614And it's like right, right, so what is?
00:14:52.634 -->
00:14:53.374it that you want?
00:14:53.374 -->
00:14:53.975What am I?
00:14:54.174 -->
00:15:11.687asking for and it took me a while to be like actually I want one night a week where there's no phones, no other appointments, it's just us and we don't have to do anything fancy, but just that we have dedicated time for each other and it's just connection time.
00:15:11.687 -->
00:15:17.732Connection time that was an easy ask.
00:15:17.732 -->
00:15:19.377I mean it wasn't easy at first because my husband was a really busy man.
00:15:19.377 -->
00:15:24.375So for him to tell people once a week that he wasn't going to have any calls, any meetings, nothing was a lot for him.
00:15:24.995 -->
00:15:34.125But at the same time, getting me to the point of like past that emotional barrier, I guess that's part of the energetic right.
00:15:34.125 -->
00:15:36.871It's like the somatic healing is like trying to pull.
00:15:36.871 -->
00:15:39.798What is this underneath all this motion?
00:15:39.798 -->
00:15:42.451What is it that I actually want and need?
00:15:42.451 -->
00:15:54.956Because let me tell you, it was a lot easier when I could just be like here's exactly what I need, and then he could be like yes or no and not just be like, oh, I'll try to make you happy.
00:15:54.956 -->
00:16:04.938I mean, that's just a ridiculous request when you don't know if that person doesn't know what they want and they can't ask for it and I always get from women, but they should know.
00:16:06.930 -->
00:16:12.140I will admit I have not ever found that the people in my family can read my mind.
00:16:12.140 -->
00:16:15.817I wish they could, but I have never found that.
00:16:15.817 -->
00:16:20.789And the other thing to dovetail into the theme of this podcast, christina, is I think that that changes.
00:16:20.789 -->
00:16:33.538So what I wanted from my partners when I was in my 20s was completely different to when we had a bunch of small children, and now that I'm looking at empty nest it's totally different.
00:16:33.538 -->
00:16:36.221Right, it was like when I was in the chaos of small children.
00:16:36.221 -->
00:16:53.021I wanted, you know quiet time, you know at home and or maybe girlfriend time, and you can get caught in the ruts, right, like you can do the same thing over and over again for years and then you have to rethink it and be like why does this no longer make me happy?
00:16:54.530 -->
00:16:55.013I love that.
00:16:55.013 -->
00:16:55.816Yeah, it does.
00:16:55.816 -->
00:16:56.718It does change.
00:16:56.718 -->
00:16:57.914It doesn't mean that we didn't know.
00:16:57.914 -->
00:17:00.385It just means that whatever we had before doesn't fit.
00:17:00.385 -->
00:17:02.716Hannah, how are you feeling about this?
00:17:02.716 -->
00:17:12.261You're like on the younger side of the midlife, so I'm curious of your you know thoughts about this and the energy no.
00:17:12.281 -->
00:17:12.883Listen to you both.
00:17:12.883 -->
00:17:14.151I have so much to say on this.
00:17:14.151 -->
00:17:16.838Like I, I love the topic of boundaries.
00:17:16.838 -->
00:17:23.615I find it so interesting and just off the back of both of what what you were saying about feeling into the yes, feeling into the no.
00:17:23.615 -->
00:17:28.219This is something that I've been doing quite a lot with myself recent next year as well as clients.
00:17:28.219 -->
00:17:45.009It's that because I think we, when we think of boundaries, a lot of the time we think about what don't we want, is that there's that real sense of like right, I'm going to tell you how I feel and and this is what I'm not accepting but sometimes we forget to feel into what the yes is like, what we're a yes to, and I think they're both as important as each other.
00:17:45.009 -->
00:18:06.134So I think, just feeling into both of that, like how is the body reacting to the no, the yes, and also how is it reacting when we say no, because a lot of the time we don't give ourselves permission to say no because there's these fears around well, if I say no, then I'm gonna lose this person If I say no, like all these kinds of stories that we create about it.
00:18:06.194 -->
00:18:16.142So it's been really interesting for me on my own personal journey because I think for the most part of my life I'm 31 years old, I'd say for most of my 20s.
00:18:16.201 -->
00:18:27.717I know most of relationships in our 20s are a bit of a shit show, but I just feel like my 20s, I never was able to ask for what I needed and for what I wanted.
00:18:27.737 -->
00:18:29.181But I never knew that that was the case.
00:18:29.181 -->
00:18:39.045You know, until doing that work I just understood that that's how relationships went, that I just had to repress and I just had to kind of accept if something didn't feel right.
00:18:39.045 -->
00:18:44.708But I think back then I was maybe so numb and disassociated I didn't even realize that that was the case.
00:18:44.708 -->
00:18:54.141So, having done this work, it's really interesting to notice how my relationships have started to shift, as I've started to find my yes, find my no.
00:18:54.141 -->
00:18:59.755I'm still not there yet, like I still haven't quite met the emotionally available man.
00:18:59.755 -->
00:19:08.046I still keep attracting these men who are not available to my needs, and so it's just showing me okay, well, I've still got work to do there.
00:19:08.046 -->
00:19:14.098I've still got work to do because maybe I'm not so certain about my yes or my no as I thought I was.
00:19:14.098 -->
00:19:22.047So it's just using these relationships to show me and show us like where we're at in terms of our development.
00:19:23.393 -->
00:19:29.551I think that's really I think that's a really grown up description of what you're going through Like.
00:19:29.551 -->
00:19:33.064So my experience in my 20s to 30s was a little bit different.
00:19:33.064 -->
00:19:36.897In my 20s I was really able to pretty much solve things by myself.
00:19:36.897 -->
00:19:42.536I was like I got this, like I didn't find myself saying yes or no to things because it really didn't matter.
00:19:42.536 -->
00:19:48.191I was like, yeah, I can do this, like this is not a problem.
00:19:48.191 -->
00:19:51.599And then I, when I jumped into a family, I was like, yeah, I can do this, like this is not a problem.
00:19:51.599 -->
00:19:54.105And then I, when I jumped into a family, I was like, oh my gosh, I cannot do all of this All of a sudden.
00:19:54.105 -->
00:20:04.740It was very impossible and I had never practiced that like getting you know, getting support and asking for help and all of those things, and it was like a two by four to the head.
00:20:04.740 -->
00:20:05.572My 20s.
00:20:05.713 -->
00:20:12.156I just I just put a question up in my Facebook group that was like what would you have called your 20s if it was a book?
00:20:12.410 -->
00:21:16.603And mine was like cringe the red flag collector, I definitely was not listening to my body, the yes or a no.
00:21:16.603 -->
00:21:25.575I even got really physically ill in my 30s because I had not listened to my body, really physically ill in my thirties because I had not listened to my body.
00:21:25.575 -->
00:21:29.723And in the meantime I'm getting into these relationships that I had no business being in whatsoever.
00:21:29.723 -->
00:21:44.242Um, and because I didn't listen to my body and it really took me even though I got sick in my thirties and started healing that it really took me into my forties before I was able to really feel that yes or no.
00:21:44.242 -->
00:21:48.378And now, like I set intentional words with my clients.
00:21:48.378 -->
00:21:56.446So if it doesn't feel like this, whether that's a relationship, a situation or whatever, then it's probably not for me or aligned with me.
00:21:56.446 -->
00:22:03.434And I think that that's where you're going, hannah, right, like starting to, like really get to what is the energy I want to be aligned with.
00:22:04.938 -->
00:22:11.402Yeah, and there's actually a point that I've just realized that I kind of want to mention, because we were talking before about this idea of safety, like sourcing safety.
00:22:11.402 -->
00:22:15.641And I think for some people listening they might be like well, what the hell does that even mean?
00:22:15.641 -->
00:22:24.288And I think it's also a point to note that what feels safe to some people is just what's familiar or to all of
00:22:24.348 -->
00:22:25.471us right, it's just what's familiar.
00:22:25.471 -->
00:22:30.691So so for me I've always attracted relationships that have never served me, that have never.
00:22:30.691 -->
00:22:35.776You know they've been nice in the beginning but that they haven't really nourished me and I've never really got what I needed from it.
00:22:35.776 -->
00:22:37.280But they felt safe at the time.
00:22:37.280 -->
00:22:51.182And so I suppose the point is like, how can we, you know, if we are attracting these relationships, what in us is creating that Like, what is that familiarity that we're attracting and sometimes like addicted to?
00:22:51.410 -->
00:23:03.529I suppose if you've got an anxious attachment style like me, so I'm addicted to that kind of chase and I can now be so aware of it, I probably will still have that addiction until it's cleared it.
00:23:03.529 -->
00:23:05.894I probably will still have that addiction until it's it's cleared.
00:23:05.894 -->
00:23:09.942And when I say addiction, it's my, my nervous system is just attracted to that type of person.
00:23:09.942 -->
00:23:15.461Um, but yeah, I just think it's an interesting point to make, because it's like the safety kind of has to be cultivated.
00:23:15.461 -->
00:23:20.180If it's not there and I guess for a lot of us it isn't is it like we've all had pieces missing?
00:23:20.180 -->
00:23:23.717Like both of you were saying before, there's no such thing as perfect parenting.
00:23:23.717 -->
00:23:25.301We're always going to miss something.
00:23:25.301 -->
00:23:33.617There's going to be a little bit of trauma somewhere for the children, but we just can't help it, can we like it's just life so yeah yeah yeah, I think that's a.
00:23:33.857 -->
00:23:53.066I mean, I think that that's like a whole master class, like in, you know, picking out your like, digging into your origin story and figuring out what are the things that you don't actually want to, what are the things that feel familiar, that we misidentify as the safety we want as adults?
00:23:53.066 -->
00:23:56.607Right, because sometimes it is safety.
00:23:56.607 -->
00:24:13.155Right, we want to repeat that friendly, fun thing that we had as a kid, and on other times it's things that we don't, but we don't realize it because we didn't, we didn't identify the discomfort or we weren't taught or we weren't supported in it.
00:24:13.155 -->
00:24:17.194And there's levels of that, right, like there's like things that are not really a big deal.
00:24:17.194 -->
00:24:26.251And then there's like honest abuse and people who are, you know, stockholm syndrome, right, and so there's all kinds of things in there.
00:24:26.251 -->
00:24:41.718And then, like, so there's identifying it, becoming aware of the pattern and the awareness that, oh, you know what, even though I really really like this chocolate ice cream, if I eat the whole container I will feel like crap.
00:24:41.718 -->
00:24:50.143So it's like picking it up and then going through and trying to reestablish other things to get what we think we want.
00:24:50.769 -->
00:24:57.274And that the next phase, I think, hannah, is like when you figure out what you think you want, it feels the opposite of safe.
00:24:57.274 -->
00:25:06.603It feels like you were jumping off a cliff or at the top of a rollercoaster hill, like you're like all right, so what I think I want is this wonderful relationship with this person.
00:25:06.603 -->
00:25:11.261But then when it shows up in front, if it's something you've never had before, it feels the opposite of secure.
00:25:11.261 -->
00:25:13.054It's like danger.
00:25:13.054 -->
00:25:15.381Danger, will Robinson, danger.
00:25:15.721 -->
00:25:22.693Yeah, I had no like, not no, I had limited personal interpersonal skills.
00:25:22.693 -->
00:25:33.861When I met my husband, I think he, like I knew that he was the kind of man I wanted to be with my this is my second husband, but I knew the kind of man that I wanted to be with.
00:25:33.861 -->
00:25:42.826But when I was with that it was like, oh so he's just gonna hold boundaries and I'm gonna have to figure this out Like I'm gonna have to do my own work.
00:25:42.826 -->
00:25:54.172I'm going to have to like, if I want to be with somebody I think this tails off of what Hannah was saying is like our energy will shift and then we'll attract different people.
00:25:54.172 -->
00:26:00.952And I think that that is so relatable, especially in midlife, because a lot of us, you know, shift friends.
00:26:00.952 -->
00:26:08.511I had a couple of friends where I'm just not friends with them in the last year, even though we were like really really close before that.
00:26:09.453 -->
00:26:27.420And I think, as we shift, we don't need to feel bad about, like Amy was saying, you know, not even going into the room anymore, not picking up the phone or not texting all the time, right, we don't really have to feel bad about that.
00:26:27.420 -->
00:26:33.600That's just energy that is not no longer in alignment with what it is that we need.
00:26:33.600 -->
00:26:36.814And I mean, I'm not saying that we can do this with every relationship.
00:26:36.814 -->
00:26:40.122Obviously there could be different boundaries.
00:26:40.122 -->
00:26:42.182I have boundaries with my mom.
00:26:42.182 -->
00:26:49.411I talk to her several times a year and that's where our relationship lives, because that's what feels good to both of us.
00:26:49.411 -->
00:26:57.032If we wanted anything else, we would ask for it, but that's what feels safe for us in that relationship.
00:26:57.032 -->
00:27:06.518So I think that relationships can change and I know this is true and I hope it's true because I want to build more relationships and more connections.
00:27:06.518 -->
00:27:12.341And I don't know, has your experience been with like friendships?
00:27:14.130 -->
00:27:23.000You know, I think that's a fascinating topic right now because I am personally in a spot where my friend group is probably in a place to change Like.
00:27:23.000 -->
00:27:36.930So for the last 25 years, I've been connected to various parent school groups through my kids, right, and that is like a constant fire hose of opportunities to connect with people who are parents of same age children.
00:27:36.930 -->
00:27:48.173Right, I'm about to be an empty nester and you know, if you like, Hannah has not lived through this yet, but you don't always have actually a lot of stuff in common with the other parents in the school groups.
00:27:48.173 -->
00:27:51.302Like, your only connection is that your kids are in the same school.
00:27:51.910 -->
00:28:05.937But you know it's like now I have the opportunity to reinvent and shift things, and I don't even know what these people are going to do, like I hope to travel and and do these fun things, and you know like we can, it's going to shift.
00:28:05.937 -->
00:28:08.001It's going to totally shift people.
00:28:08.001 -->
00:28:17.842Some people are going to do completely different things and, um and I actually am very excited about it Um, a lot of people who are in the same spot of me are like feeling anxiety and trepidation.
00:28:17.842 -->
00:28:28.282Um, because they really they feel safe and comfortable in the parent bubble, the school parent bubble, which is good, right, that's totally that's where they are.
00:28:29.951 -->
00:28:52.984I think that one of the classic examples of that sensation so Martha Beck describes this as the empty elevator, when you're transitioning and the people around you are not, so like you're in a full elevator, but then it empties out because people step out and then you're in it by yourself and you've got to figure out how to fill it back up, and so I think that's kind of a fun visual, but it's something that we always go through.
00:28:52.984 -->
00:29:02.117One of the big places that people go through this is if they change habits from something that was destructive and then they need to change their circle to support their healthy habits right.
00:29:02.117 -->
00:29:16.707The other one that people see and Hannah might be seeing this in her age group is when we partner up, some people break off and have families and they don't socialize anymore with people who don't have children, right, like we're as much.
00:29:16.748 -->
00:29:17.068It's that weird.
00:29:17.068 -->
00:29:20.277You know you go through that age period where you're going to 50 weddings a year.
00:29:20.277 -->
00:29:23.163You know you're broke because all you have to do is buy wedding presents.
00:29:23.163 -->
00:29:28.101And then some people have families and kids and other people don't, and they don't do the same things.
00:29:28.101 -->
00:29:31.915Like your single friends call you and they're like, hey, let's go to the Bahamas for the weekend.
00:29:31.915 -->
00:29:34.891And you're like I have little people, I am not available.
00:29:36.975 -->
00:29:39.278Yeah, so it changes when we have children.
00:29:39.278 -->
00:29:51.490Often then it also can change when we no longer have children and that's where, like, women tend to struggle because they're like how do I, now that I'm an empty nester, how do I meet new friends?
00:29:51.490 -->
00:29:54.119And it's like you actually have to go out, be social.
00:29:55.754 -->
00:29:57.419I know you have to people with the people.
00:29:57.419 -->
00:29:58.659You have to do the peopling to meet the people.
00:29:58.659 -->
00:29:59.768Yes, you have to do the peopling to meet the people.
00:30:04.044 -->
00:30:10.842Yes, yeah, it's interesting what both of you are saying actually, because I feel like I'm at that age where some of my friends are married and some of them have kids, but very few.
00:30:10.842 -->
00:30:20.401I feel very fortunate actually that a lot of my friends are probably quite far off having kids and I have quite a few single friends, I would say, which is quite nice.
00:30:20.401 -->
00:30:24.538I feel like I'll be entering that period at some point, maybe in the next few years.
00:30:24.538 -->
00:30:29.276But it's so interesting that we're having this conversation because I was literally just thinking about this before the call.
00:30:30.640 -->
00:30:53.807I didn't get panicky about it, but I had this moment of like, oh god, like I can feel that certain friendships are starting to change and certain people are like our relationships are not the same, and there was just this kind of like genuine fear actually that came up of like shit, like I might lose some of my really close friends here, and I hope that to not be the case, and I guess it would not.
00:30:53.807 -->
00:31:02.718You know, relationships will naturally shift, but there was like a genuine fear there of like I can sense that things are changing and it's that like fear of change, isn't it?
00:31:02.718 -->
00:31:07.330But also like not wanting to lose those friendships.
00:31:07.771 -->
00:31:09.076And I don't think I will have to.
00:31:09.076 -->
00:31:19.223But I suppose it's one of those things where some people will naturally just leave from my life and I'll attract other people who are more on that same vibration.
00:31:19.223 -->
00:31:24.302So it's that kind of being coming into acceptance, of letting go of what was.
00:31:24.302 -->
00:31:26.177I guess there's.
00:31:26.177 -->
00:31:27.282I'm in a weird transition.
00:31:27.282 -->
00:31:46.556I think I'm in a weird transition where I think I'm having loads of breakthroughs and I can feel myself really about to have a quantum leap and you know when you can just feel I don't know if either of you can relate I feel like I'm on the cusp of big changes and maybe some big shifts and it's kind of scary actually but the unknown right, the unknown is always a little scary, I think.
00:31:46.957 -->
00:31:53.091Oh no, I think we uh lost amy to a storm, but we'll keep talking see if she can pop back.
00:31:53.091 -->
00:31:59.860I was just thinking, as, as, um, you both were talking, where's my mouse?
00:31:59.860 -->
00:32:05.346Um, I was thinking about what's really yeah, she's back.
00:32:05.346 -->
00:32:11.911What I really loved about that was, uh, so we talk about these friends that you have to leave behind.
00:32:11.911 -->
00:32:15.760But what's been really lovely for me is as I've been on my growth journey.
00:32:16.142 -->
00:32:35.193I was working really closely with an organization called woman within and I I developed new relationships, um, with women who really inspire me, like I remember sitting on the board going, wow, these women are so cool and half of them are my friends.
00:32:35.193 -->
00:32:41.538So I don't want to, I don't want it to be like doom and gloom for midlife.
00:32:41.538 -->
00:32:45.872I want us to remember that there's there are a lot of really awesome relations.
00:32:45.872 -->
00:33:01.739There's a lot of people that will get on the elevator right, we just have to, we have to find them in the right places and we want to, um, we want to, you know, not just jump into safety, but you grow a relationship.
00:33:01.739 -->
00:33:05.595Is what I've learned over, you know, the last 10 or 15 years.
00:33:05.654 -->
00:33:12.900I didn't have really great relationships when I was young cause we moved so often, but like I've learned, you grow the safety.
00:33:12.900 -->
00:33:17.698There's friends that I was only like acquaintances with for like eight years.
00:33:17.698 -->
00:33:22.836Then all of a sudden we hung out more and I trusted them more and we did more things together and it was like.
00:33:22.836 -->
00:33:44.566So I feel like, even though I've had to let go of some relationships that hurt, I have stepped into a time that feel really good, they feel inspiring, they feel really collaborative and like supporting each other and you know really pushing each other, like supporting each other and you know really pushing each other.
00:33:44.566 -->
00:33:45.668I have great coaching friends.
00:33:45.668 -->
00:33:55.478I mean I just I feel really, really blessed and, with that being said, a lot of that was because I chose that I went and had women's circles.
00:33:55.478 -->
00:33:57.121I went and was social.
00:33:57.121 -->
00:34:03.170When there wasn't what I wanted in an area that I moved to, I created it so that I could meet more women.
00:34:03.170 -->
00:34:06.937So I have incredible relationships.
00:34:07.017 -->
00:34:23.470And I think that you deserve a gold star for doing the work to create what you wanted because that is a lot easier to say than it is to do Like it really takes courage, right?
00:34:23.470 -->
00:34:25.738You know it's like.
00:34:25.738 -->
00:34:27.242It's like all right, this is what I want.
00:34:27.242 -->
00:34:32.224And then you have that like middle school cafeteria moment where you're like is anybody going to come?
00:34:32.224 -->
00:34:33.836Like, are people going to?
00:34:33.836 -->
00:34:37.625Like, am I going to be the only person who comes to my circle?
00:34:37.625 -->
00:34:42.556You know it's, it's, I mean person who comes to my circle.
00:34:42.556 -->
00:34:44.019You know it's, it's, I mean it's, it's, it's beautiful, it's beautiful.
00:34:44.019 -->
00:34:53.788And I think that what I want to sort of give you credit for and show you as an example of a transformation is that you are the example of creating the community that you wanted.
00:34:53.788 -->
00:35:13.725You are the example that it can work, that if you that the risk is worth the reward, that it's scary at the beginning and it's hard work, but that you, when listening to you talk about these amazing relationships that you've created, is like I mean awesome, awesome.
00:35:15.288 -->
00:35:16.229And it did take work.
00:35:16.229 -->
00:35:32.817I mean, I just want everybody to know like it's not like I was, like I hosted one event and suddenly I had best friends Like the the friends that I have are from all over the place and but we, we also do the work of like hey, we have a date each one of my friends because I'm so nomadic.
00:35:32.817 -->
00:35:37.242Uh, we have a date every month that we're going to meet on that night.
00:35:37.242 -->
00:35:46.179If we don't meet on that, I mean we can always renegotiate it, but it's set on the calendar so that we are ensure that we are connected every month and we have great conversations.
00:35:46.179 -->
00:35:52.539Um, and so, yeah, it's really again, no, no, easy happily ever after.
00:35:52.539 -->
00:35:55.107You kind of have to create your happily ever after.
00:35:58.796 -->
00:36:00.180Yeah, totally, I think.
00:36:00.180 -->
00:36:05.314I think, um, I've definitely started to create those kind of friends.
00:36:05.314 -->
00:36:10.718I think coaching friends are like the best kind of friends, because you just get each other on a different kind of level, don't you?
00:36:10.718 -->
00:36:14.087Especially when they're going into this like deep, transformational work?
00:36:14.087 -->
00:36:18.846I think it's for me it's like that it's probably the age group that I'm in as well.
00:36:18.906 -->
00:36:31.497It's that kind of when things start to shift, like when people start to get into serious relationships or when people start to have children, especially like my best friends and I'm the single one, so that of course there's kind of those thoughts.
00:36:31.497 -->
00:36:32.360You know that there's.
00:36:32.360 -->
00:36:37.121There's natural thoughts of like things are starting to change and I'm starting to change.
00:36:37.121 -->
00:36:45.820So it's that kind of transition period where I absolutely trust life and I know I have the most amazing future ahead of me.
00:36:45.820 -->
00:36:51.740But I just feel like it it is a bit difficult at the age of 31, actually to like be going through this transition period and having to let go of things.
00:36:51.841 -->
00:36:57.318It's kind of, yeah, just letting go of what you once knew and just being comfortable in the unknown.
00:36:57.318 -->
00:36:59.883I think for me that's not always been easy.
00:36:59.883 -->
00:37:02.188It's kind of it's a bit unsettling.
00:37:02.188 -->
00:37:08.082So I imagine in the next like five years things will start to settle, because I imagine I will myself be in a serious relationship.
00:37:08.082 -->
00:37:09.265That's what I see for myself.
00:37:09.265 -->
00:37:14.706But it's just one of those things, isn't it Like single amongst loads of people in relationships.
00:37:14.706 -->
00:37:15.608It's a funny one.
00:37:21.255 -->
00:37:21.475Well, it is.
00:37:21.475 -->
00:37:22.618That's why they make all the rom-coms about it.
00:37:22.618 -->
00:37:24.743Like, in every rom-com, there is the, you know, there are the people who are not coupled up.
00:37:24.743 -->
00:37:31.965There is the friend who is the, you know the, the bestie who plays the wing person who makes the rom-com hilarious.
00:37:31.965 -->
00:37:33.869They're all you know like.
00:37:33.869 -->
00:37:37.782But you know it's not, it's not easy.
00:37:37.782 -->
00:37:40.046It's like we don't live in a movie, right?
00:37:40.046 -->
00:37:48.906So, even though it would be fun actually, that's one of the things I always like when people are thinking about this, sometimes I will be like I'm like if your life was a movie, but how do you want it to play out?
00:37:48.906 -->
00:37:54.401Like you know, how do you want this story to be retold of you in your situation right now?
00:37:54.401 -->
00:38:07.007You know, and that's especially helpful when I'm talking to parents who are like, what I want to do is scream at my kids and I'm like, okay, so if this was a movie and we were replaying it, how do you want the story of you fighting with your kids about Rice-A-Roni to be played back?
00:38:09.535 -->
00:38:12.341Right, yeah, no, absolutely.
00:38:12.341 -->
00:38:16.428How do you want to have been known to show up, right?
00:38:16.428 -->
00:38:17.817What does that look like?
00:38:17.817 -->
00:38:42.264And yeah, so we're talking about family changes and I know that there's so many 30 to 60, that's like your entire um ages 30 to 60 is like, and letting them go and doing other things, and so there's so many changes that happen that I find amazing.
00:38:42.264 -->
00:38:51.311Now, luckily, I only raised one kid full time, because I don't know how I would have done with a whole Brady bunch of family members.
00:38:51.311 -->
00:39:03.057That would have been a lot of kids for me, really took a lot of energy.
00:39:03.077 -->
00:39:30.641And what I love about I love empty nesting and Hannah, you may not have much to say about this, but I know that Amy will I have so much to say and how it changes, not just your relationship with you, know, your kids, cause you're no longer that full-time mom we're still moms, but we're not full-time but how it changed my relationship with my husband, because we had all this time and then, right when my kid graduated, or the year that he was graduating was was the pandemic.
00:39:30.641 -->
00:39:43.879So then it was like it was really just us and we had been the Southwest, so we were away from both of our families, so it really became a little interesting.
00:39:43.879 -->
00:39:57.436Let's say there was so many transitions there at one time and I guess what happened with us is I would love it when he would go away for a weekend to do men's work or whatever.
00:39:57.436 -->
00:40:00.825I'm like you want to be away for a week to see your family.
00:40:00.825 -->
00:40:04.359Absolutely Like, leave me alone.
00:40:06.844 -->
00:40:10.878So there's a little bit more freedom and we're not fighting for time like we were.
00:40:10.958 -->
00:40:15.479That is I mean not that this is your experience, but that is like, statistically that's the biggest.
00:40:15.479 -->
00:40:19.197That's where people are getting divorced now, like what do we call it?
00:40:19.197 -->
00:40:30.936Silver grade divorce or something is the fastest growing thing, which is basically women and men who have done the job of raising the kids, and then the kids launch and the parents are like I never want to see you again.
00:40:30.936 -->
00:40:32.399I'm moving across the country.
00:40:32.399 -->
00:40:33.601Goodbye.
00:40:33.601 -->
00:40:38.076Thank you so much, and not that that's what you know.
00:40:38.076 -->
00:40:39.822That's neither here nor there how it is.
00:40:39.822 -->
00:40:56.000But I do think that that is one of the most interesting challenges, because if you're going to live to be a hundred right, and your kids move out when you're 55, you know you're looking at 45 years with that same person, you know.
00:40:56.000 -->
00:40:58.844So, um, I am right there with you.
00:40:59.156 -->
00:41:23.437The other day this is a story from this week I'm not an empty nester yet, but I walked into my house and my husband had spilled coffee on the floor, somehow walked through it and hadn't noticed, and there was a trail I don't even know how that's possible, I literally don't understand this and there was a path from the kitchen to his office of coffee colored feet and I was like what happened here and he's like what are you talking about?
00:41:23.437 -->
00:41:23.979I don't know.
00:41:23.979 -->
00:41:26.976And I was like, did you spill the coffees?
00:41:26.976 -->
00:41:27.597Like I don't think.
00:41:27.597 -->
00:41:27.757So.
00:41:27.757 -->
00:41:41.289I was like, oh my God, and in the moment I was like deeply craving, like I was like I look forward to a day where the only messes that I will clean up are the ones that I make.
00:41:41.289 -->
00:41:47.561You know like, and I don't actually look forward to that, like that, you know, it's like bless the mess and I'm happy for my family, like it's beautiful.
00:41:47.561 -->
00:41:50.516But I was just like, seriously, how, like, how, why is this?
00:41:50.516 -->
00:41:51.618You know, how do you not know?
00:41:52.659 -->
00:42:19.723And I understand that because we just we were living alone for five years and now and now we moved in with family because aging parents and whatnot and uh, just like hannah's been saying, you know nothing and and you also like nothing like being in close relationship with other people and know where your energy is and what's going on and seeing all of the stuff, seeing that mirror part of us and being like christina.
00:42:19.723 -->
00:42:20.045What's going on?
00:42:20.045 -->
00:42:23.778And seeing all of this stuff, seeing that mirror part of us and being like Christina.
00:42:23.778 -->
00:42:24.960What's that judgment about?
00:42:24.960 -->
00:42:25.882Can we let that go?
00:42:25.882 -->
00:42:34.126And you know, with my husband being in his childhood home, that changes his energy as well.
00:42:34.126 -->
00:42:43.377You know like he's got a lot more young boy energy in him than he did before, for the better or worse depending on the day.
00:42:44.600 -->
00:42:47.550So you guys are, you guys are in his childhood home.
00:42:47.550 -->
00:42:49.816That's gotta be super fascinating actually.
00:42:49.896 -->
00:43:04.982Yeah, about uh, two other three other full-time people and three other part-time people that come and go and we're close to his family so they drop in whenever they want.
00:43:04.982 -->
00:43:10.779So it's a lot different life than we had where, like you know, we were so secluded.
00:43:10.779 -->
00:43:21.536We had some friends wherever we were going, but it was really, it was really just us and he would go away and I'd have alone time and I mean we would have friends, visit and stuff.
00:43:21.536 -->
00:43:23.660But he like yeah, it was.
00:43:23.660 -->
00:43:25.664It's a much different setup now.
00:43:25.784 -->
00:43:54.617So, um, so, which is why I was looking at relationship tips and what would I offer people and the one that came up that I just texted my husband before this was we have to look at conflict differently, that it's not you against me, it's us against the problem, and I think that so often when we're in an emotional disagreement, we forget that.
00:43:54.617 -->
00:43:58.023We forget that we're actually on the same side.
00:43:58.023 -->
00:44:02.090It's not you that I'm arguing with or fighting here.
00:44:02.090 -->
00:44:04.764We're trying to approach this problem.
00:44:04.764 -->
00:44:07.997We're trying to win over this challenge that we're having.
00:44:08.077 -->
00:44:23.157That's what we're looking for and for me because probably because the way I was raised, it's so easy for me to go into I want to make this other person wrong instead of well, what is the actual problem?
00:44:23.157 -->
00:44:34.480And let's get through the emotional stuff so that we can see what is the actual problem, what do we each want out of it and how can we best make that happen, if it's possible, but I think so often we can get.
00:44:34.480 -->
00:44:37.167I mean, you can see it in the politics in the United States too.
00:44:37.167 -->
00:44:48.824It's just like if you don't believe what I believe, you're absolutely wrong, and it's like that's why we don't solve anything, because we're constantly fighting each other instead of working with each other.
00:44:48.824 -->
00:44:57.228How can we actually, let's you know, focus on the problem, not on bringing each other down or poking or whatever?
00:44:58.315 -->
00:45:10.519And I just want to say that is one of the best times to bring in a third person to help you through it, because when you're in the bottle, it's very hard to read the label from inside the bottle, right?
00:45:10.519 -->
00:45:19.456So, like when you're emotionally attached to the problem, I mean you have a lot of skills, christina, you've got a lot of talent, you've got a lot of knowledge.
00:45:19.456 -->
00:45:20.636For you to work through that with your husband is, you know, is a lot of work, christina, you've got a lot of talent, you've got a lot of knowledge.
00:45:20.636 -->
00:45:25.284For you to work through that with your husband is a lot of work for you.
00:45:25.565 -->
00:45:47.538For most people, they're living through this feeling like there is no other option and a third person a coach, an advisor, a counselor they're the people who can rubber duck for you, like, bounce back to you and be like you know, hey, this is what I'm hearing, this is what you're doing and try to redirect you to being problem focused.
00:45:47.538 -->
00:45:47.819Right?
00:45:47.819 -->
00:45:53.496So it's like fighting over who will take out the trash, right?
00:45:53.496 -->
00:46:03.232If you harp on it with your partner like that they're doing it wrong and they need to do it your way, you can have that fight forever and the trash will never get taken out.
00:46:03.232 -->
00:46:19.143You have to like actually stop and say okay, we actually need to talk about how we're going to get the trash out of the house, and I just want to offer compassion and grace for people who don't see it, because I think that when you're in it, you know it's really hard to see it.
00:46:20.125 -->
00:46:35.728Yeah, I once had a country session with a person which was an entire hour about potatoes Like a kid had eaten potatoes that wasn't their share and it was an entire hour of working on it because she was so hurt by the situation.
00:46:35.728 -->
00:46:38.107And when you think about it, it's like oh, it's just the potatoes.
00:46:38.107 -->
00:46:46.561But one of the things she kept saying to me she's like I'm so happy that you're not saying it's just the potatoes, and I was like dude, there are a hundred times in my life in the last year that I've been pissed off about things like potatoes.
00:46:46.561 -->
00:46:47.960Like I get it that this is.
00:46:47.960 -->
00:46:49.385It hurts right.
00:46:59.666 -->
00:47:04.411It doesn't do me any good to tell you it meant to her and how it must have been intended that way.
00:47:04.411 -->
00:47:08.235You know all that garbage and I think you were about to say something.
00:47:08.335 -->
00:47:10.062If I was, I forgot Hannah weigh in.
00:47:22.335 -->
00:47:25.165I'm deliberately single, but it's why I'm kind of I'm I'm very much a stand for being single and not settling for relationships.
00:47:25.205 -->
00:47:45.583I suppose not that that's what I'm getting from, from what either of you are saying, but I was just thinking about it and I was reflecting, because I've decided to dedicate the next six months to kind of dating myself and I think it's one of those things where, even though, on the one hand, I'm looking at all of my friends in these relationships and they're getting married and having kids, like I don't really envy any of that.
00:47:45.755 -->
00:47:49.203I'm kind of like that's cool, you've got your own little thing going on.
00:47:49.203 -->
00:48:02.010But I just have these big dreams of what I want my relationship to look like and I'm more than happy to kind of be over here doing my own work and eventually whoever it's supposed to be will come by, kind of be over here doing my own work and eventually whoever it's supposed to be will come by.
00:48:02.010 -->
00:48:18.178So it's just kind of all of this churning up just how like relationships can be, so much ego and so much drama when the people aren't doing their own work or the people don't know how to do their own work, you know, and I think it just reminds me of how, like, what the kind of relationship is that I want.
00:48:18.178 -->
00:48:24.842Right, and it's not to say these sorts of things won't come up, but it's like your ability to heal together, I think is the most important thing.
00:48:24.842 -->
00:48:28.425Right, like how you make up and how you mend.
00:48:29.216 -->
00:48:38.306And I just want to say like, okay, so when you're a kid, right, everybody you know has parents and so your world is just everybody, that is, parents and kids.
00:48:38.306 -->
00:48:49.105But a lot of people like a lot, a lot, a lot of people have very, very full, totally enriching lives and they are not a part of that.
00:48:49.105 -->
00:48:55.284And it's weird because it does become this very tight circle of react.
00:48:55.284 -->
00:49:03.937Kids are a huge amount of work, so you surround yourself with other people who are going through this monstrous job of raising all these little people who are not good at following directions.
00:49:04.558 -->
00:49:09.996But I, about half of my friend group, are people who are child-free by choice.
00:49:09.996 -->
00:49:20.808Some of them are married, some of them are not, and they the number of times that I'm envious of the freedom of my single friends, my single child-free friends, I mean a lot, a lot.
00:49:20.808 -->
00:49:24.742It's a great life.
00:49:24.742 -->
00:49:46.571I'd never want to be a person who offers that up, that the only path to happiness or the only path to satisfaction and joy is through that one singular relationship or by filling up your house with small versions of yourself or by filling up your house with small versions of yourself it absolutely isn't.
00:49:46.591 -->
00:49:47.272And, hannah, bravo to you.
00:49:47.272 -->
00:49:53.936Yes, because I got married at like 23 to what Dr Phil would call a starter marriage.
00:49:53.936 -->
00:49:59.258It taught me a whole lot, but let me tell you, the paperwork wasn't worth it.
00:49:59.378 -->
00:50:02.038It's an expensive way to learn it.
00:50:02.419 -->
00:50:05.000It's an expensive lesson that way.
00:50:05.000 -->
00:50:15.743And after that marriage I was like so set on who I wanted as a partner and my friends were like, oh, you're just a man hater.
00:50:15.743 -->
00:50:17.244I'm like, I'm not a man hater.
00:50:17.244 -->
00:50:25.047So one night I went home and I wrote down all the requirements and I was like, if it ain't this, I want nothing to do with it, Cause I'll do better on my own.
00:50:25.047 -->
00:50:27.247I'll be okay on my own.
00:50:27.247 -->
00:50:28.768This is exactly what I want.
00:50:28.768 -->
00:50:30.468If I can't get that, I'm not getting it.
00:50:31.009 -->
00:50:38.171And like, years later it was like we were moving in together, me and my current husband, and I found the list and he checked every single one.
00:50:38.171 -->
00:50:45.374And I found the list and he checked every single one and I was like, see, he wasn't being picky, I was just because it wasn't like he's got to be 6'3 with dark hair.
00:50:45.374 -->
00:51:03.597It was more like, you know, I want somebody who's doing their work, I want somebody who's going to take my son in like as if it's his own child and not because I talked with Amy on her podcast about my step parenting experience and it was challenging at best.
00:51:03.597 -->
00:51:13.281Um and so I knew exactly how I wanted, what I wanted for my son, what I wanted for me and yeah, and it all came true.
00:51:13.281 -->
00:51:17.248So take your time, manifest the thing that you want.
00:51:17.248 -->
00:51:19.520It's not worth it in any other way.
00:51:19.520 -->
00:51:21.956It's not a happily ever after.
00:51:21.956 -->
00:51:22.718It's going to be work.
00:51:22.718 -->
00:51:25.006If it's work before, it's going to be work after.
00:51:26.075 -->
00:51:53.257But I love that you clarified how you made that list, because I think we've probably all known people who make the list like they're going to the grocery store, like you know this height, this color hair works at this company and it's like, and that you know those things might shift right, those things might shift and change, whereas, like, the more character based stuff is key.
00:51:54.299 -->
00:51:54.579Yeah.
00:51:54.579 -->
00:51:58.044So, hannah, please take your time, choose the right one.
00:51:58.044 -->
00:52:00.367It all comes in your own journey.
00:52:00.367 -->
00:52:08.126And absolutely, amy, I mean women do not need to be married or attached or have kids.
00:52:08.126 -->
00:52:16.729I mean they can do that in any combination they want to do these days, and so you know, allowing that to be.
00:52:18.216 -->
00:52:24.459But that's so easy to say, a lot harder to do because the so what are the words we use?
00:52:24.459 -->
00:52:31.722The socialized message that we get about our value as women is still very much that.
00:52:31.722 -->
00:52:34.949You know, we are defined by the person who chooses as a partner.
00:52:34.949 -->
00:52:39.623We are defined by their social status in the, in the community.
00:52:39.623 -->
00:52:53.629We are defined by how our kids show up and intellectually we can know that that's nonsense and it's really really important, I think, for self-actualization and self-growth to understand that we are our own individual people.
00:52:53.629 -->
00:53:02.510But I give true weight and honor and verity to the challenge that is actually living that life.
00:53:02.510 -->
00:53:04.420You know, like it's like.
00:53:04.420 -->
00:53:08.737You know just, you know it's just, it's really really hard to walk that walk Cause that that is.
00:53:08.737 -->
00:53:14.865It's like a fire hose of shoulda, shoulda, shoulda that has been forced on us for a long time.
00:53:16.056 -->
00:53:17.763Yeah, I think it's a journey defying.
00:53:17.763 -->
00:53:18.286That, isn't it?
00:53:18.575 -->
00:53:19.661I'm coming out of that.
00:53:22.815 -->
00:53:24.282I think, yeah, I think it's a journey, defying that, isn't it?
00:53:24.282 -->
00:53:26.592And coming out of that, yeah, yeah, all the norms, like I think it, and I think it's definitely changing.
00:53:26.592 -->
00:53:30.101I think it's just obviously as a as a worldwide thing it's gonna be.
00:53:30.101 -->
00:53:34.458You know, we've got some progress to make, but I suppose it's an individual thing, isn't it like?
00:53:34.479 -->
00:53:43.705we just change, we change ourselves on an individual level and then it starts to trickle outwards and I I mean it's like right, so humanity has been around for however long humanity has been around.
00:53:43.705 -->
00:53:47.125I don't even know that I didn't pay enough attention to history class.
00:53:47.125 -->
00:53:51.006Like it took a while to get these longstanding things.
00:53:51.006 -->
00:53:56.618The idea that it would like be fixed between when I turned 12 and 150, it's probably unrealistic.
00:53:56.618 -->
00:53:57.821You know it's, it's.
00:53:57.821 -->
00:54:09.409It's a little piece here and a little piece there and tying it into the social circle relationships.
00:54:09.409 -->
00:54:24.723A piece of this is finding the circle of people who have the same worldview as you, right, so like, if you want to lead a life as a feminist, independent, empowered woman and you find yourself with a social circle of trad wives, you're going to feel a little bit out of sync with that group.
00:54:24.723 -->
00:54:27.177You know, like that's, you know that's that's.
00:54:27.177 -->
00:54:31.107You know you gotta, you gotta gotta exit stage left and find your people.
00:54:32.177 -->
00:54:39.522No judgment right, no judgment which one you want you know, but yeah, yeah yeah, absolutely All right.
00:54:39.622 -->
00:54:48.125So let's just wrap up maybe one piece of wisdom or takeaway and how people can reach out to you.
00:54:48.125 -->
00:54:53.745So I guess I just want to reemphasize ask for what we want.
00:54:53.745 -->
00:54:56.695I think it's one of the most romantic things somebody could do.
00:54:56.695 -->
00:55:01.142I know that we think it's romantic when they just know magically what it is that we need.
00:55:01.142 -->
00:55:17.418And let me tell you, you can take so much work out of the relationship if both of you ask for what you want, because then I don't have to guess, I can just do that and you can just do exactly what I have asked if you're available for that, and we don't have to do the whole guessing game.
00:55:17.418 -->
00:55:18.964So that's my wisdom.
00:55:19.507 -->
00:55:38.343So one piece of advice I think that I'm going to use Hannah as the example, right, because I think that one of the most powerful things we can do is, um is take the time to allow the noise to drop, to ignore the noise and and get to know ourselves.
00:55:38.343 -->
00:55:55.755Right, and she used the word dating herself, but it is intentionally cutting off the things that are influencing us, that may be distractions, and creating the space to listen to ourselves so that we can make the list that Christina is talking about, so that we can do the stuff.
00:55:55.755 -->
00:56:03.615It can be hard to know ourselves, and so that sounds lonely and stuff, but it can be hard to know ourselves, and so that sounds lonely and stuff, but it's not.
00:56:03.615 -->
00:56:06.164It's the most exciting, amazing thing.
00:56:06.164 -->
00:56:11.622When it's like I want a chocolate milkshake, I'm going to go get a chocolate milkshake because I'm listening to myself.
00:56:11.622 -->
00:56:14.116It's a really, really powerful thing to do and I think it can be done.
00:56:14.397 -->
00:56:18.003So I'm Amy Stone, life Coach for Step Parents and Adults and Blended Families.
00:56:18.003 -->
00:56:30.241The name of my company, you guys, is Amy Says so, because I'm a little bossy and that's where I share all of the things that I make and create for people and I have lots of free stuff there.
00:56:30.241 -->
00:56:36.087You can go and get it and that will tap you in to let me tell you all about the fun things I'm doing.
00:56:37.356 -->
00:56:37.717Thank you.
00:56:37.717 -->
00:56:44.701Amy and Hannah, and all the links will be below for these women so that you can connect with them.
00:56:45.122 -->
00:56:47.877Something that I've been reminding myself of quite a lot when this is.
00:56:47.877 -->
00:56:50.891This could be for, like, personal goals, professional goals.
00:56:50.891 -->
00:56:52.677It could be for attracting relationships.
00:56:52.677 -->
00:57:00.547It could be for creating something in a relationship, and it's like who do I need to become to have the things that I want to have?
00:57:00.547 -->
00:57:05.988Like, what, if I'm wanting to attract, say, it's a man who has all of these different qualities?
00:57:05.988 -->
00:57:09.506It's like, well, am I embodying these qualities myself?
00:57:09.506 -->
00:57:17.155And it's like, well, if I'm not, then how do I expect someone to you know, to attract someone of that same type, I suppose.
00:57:17.416 -->
00:57:23.724So I think it's always just looking inwards If we're dissatisfied with what's going on outside in any part of our life.
00:57:23.724 -->
00:57:29.965It's like, well, what is it in me that I'm dissatisfied with, or what do I need to change about myself, my views?
00:57:29.965 -->
00:57:33.618You know my worth, whatever it is to actually have all of those things.
00:57:33.618 -->
00:57:36.084So, yeah, it's a constant reminder for myself.
00:57:36.084 -->
00:57:42.403I've got it on like a little board I look at every day just to kind of bring myself back to that when I, when I lose myself slightly.
00:57:42.403 -->
00:57:49.362Um, and yeah, the best way to find me is I guess you'll have the link to my website in your, in your notes.
00:57:49.382 -->
00:57:53.725But yeah just my website, wwwhannahblackburncom, and all my details are on there.
00:57:54.855 -->
00:57:54.995Awesome.
00:57:54.995 -->
00:57:59.247Yeah, all of your information will be below, so go connect with these beautiful women.
00:57:59.247 -->
00:58:01.305Thank you for being on today, thank,
