WEBVTT
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Welcome back to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast with your hosts Jodi Rosko and Heather Fisher.
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We're talking about all things downsizing, from our own experiences with clients to guest experts.
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Let's make downsizing easier, one conversation at a time.
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Hi, welcome to the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast.
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Today we're talking about getting comfortable asking for help.
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I think this is actually like for me, to me.
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I'm gonna just talk to myself.
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Right.
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I'm like, I'm just here for the advice.
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What do we do?
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What am I saying about this?
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Because I'm saying it to myself.
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Yes, I definitely struggle asking for help.
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I am so thankful my mom, you know, raised us to be self-sufficient.
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Self-sufficient and strong, you know, independent women, and as my mom would say, strong like bull.
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She would say that all the time.
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But then those personalities, I I think it's hard for all of us to ask for help, but uh some of us more than others.
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Yeah, I think it is definitely what values you grew up with.
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And um, we did a whole podcast on uh the history, you know, like our history and why we're so independent.
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Yeah um and so um that's an interesting one if you go back and listen to that one.
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But um it's so ingrained in us to, you know, be independent, especially depending on what, you know, uh generation you're from, um, but very, very independent um thinking and do it myself.
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And um that's why sometimes we see people, you know, don't take care of their houses and all of those things because they want to do it themselves.
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They don't even want to ask for help or hire help to do it, you know.
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Um, and so um, yeah, it's it's hard to get past that cultural conditioning around it.
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So that's what we're gonna talk about today.
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I'm Jodi Rosko.
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I'm Heather Fisher.
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And we just why I mean, uh asking for help just feels so hard sometimes.
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But um I so my Aunt Karen told me one time, and it just this really sunk into me, was um like it's a gift to let people help you, right?
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Because if you're the kind of person, most of the people who don't want to ask for help help everyone else.
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Yeah.
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But the only way that you can help people is if they're letting you help them, yeah, right?
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So they're all letting you help them.
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If you are the helper person and you don't want to ask for help yourself, all these other people are letting you help them.
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So you have to let them help you because that is giving them that gift of feeling like they're helping you, and everybody likes to help each other, right?
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And so that really kind of stuck with me that you know, people can only help you if you will accept it.
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And when she said that, I was like, Aren't you smart, Aunt Karen?
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Yes.
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Such a great way to look at it, Aunt Karen.
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Thank you for the advice.
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We need her here.
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Every once in a while I get it in my ear, and I'm like, oh yeah.
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Give them that gift of letting them help you.
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Yeah, I think that's so true.
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Um, we find um, you know, people want to help.
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I mean, I think us humans, we all get that good feeling from helping, and we all want to help.
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Um, and so we're gonna talk a little bit today on some um ways to to go about that where you're giving someone that path that makes it easy for them to help and you know removes that that burden and the vagueness and just takes that away because people love to help.
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And when you make it an easy path of specifically what you want and how they can help, uh, that's just a win-win for everybody.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I think that the a lot of generational, there's a lot of generational pride around um we don't tell anybody our business.
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Yeah.
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We don't um we we just we're we were taught to figure it out for ourselves.
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We can fix all the things, we can, you know, make you know, the food lasts.
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There's all kinds of like things that you that we were taught that we're just gonna figure it out.
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We're gonna figure it out ourselves.
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And that's great.
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Um, but sometimes you don't need to figure it out yourself, and sometimes people really want to help you, but they don't know how.
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Um, and so that's something that we're gonna talk about.
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Shame and guilt sometimes.
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It feels like, oh, I should be able to do this myself.
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Um and you feel like you're a burden, um, or you feel like um you should be able to handle it yourself, but you you know, not being able to makes you feel inadequate in some way.
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Um again, nope, just you know, being willing to, you know, d help people.
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So we we love helping others, but we resist having others help us, and so that's just something we need to get our mindset around in a different way.
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Yeah, and if you've been the person that has been the helper um, you know, all of the time and you've been the one giving, it's hard to um you know shift that role and acknowledge that you need some help.
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That's just well and sometimes I think we don't realize you you have to be filled back up sometimes too, right?
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Like you're you so helping others sometimes will fill you back up, but sometimes when you help so many other people and you don't take care of yourself, you empty some part of yourself there, right?
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And so you have to get that filled back up in a way, and sometimes you have to let somebody else fill it up for you, like you know, do help you.
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And some people will help lots and lots, but then they kind of feel resentment, like nobody's helping me, but they're not letting them help them.
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Like so that's are you that are you doing that?
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Is that when you're like if your mindset is like, oh my gosh, I help everybody else and nobody helps me, are you letting them help you?
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Or are you you know pushing them off and they're trying to help you and like no no I got that, I got that, I got that.
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And so then they think, oh, she's fine, like she doesn't need it, and you do need it, you just have get sent the wrong messages.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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I think one other bonus um is that people don't always realize um what resources or help is out there, and that can both be through um, you know, like we've uncovered in focusing on downsizing, so many resources that are available for people that we could share with you if you uh tell us your hurdle and ask and and all of that.
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But a lot of um amongst your family and friends, you know, for instance, you know, you have a tree that needs cut down in your yard.
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You don't know that your neighbor has exactly the saw that would make it a 10-minute job versus you know, you working on it for 10 hours because you don't have the right tools or the right strength or the right ladder, things like that.
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Um so putting that ask out there, sometimes the solution is so much easier than what you're slogging through trying to do something yourself.
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Yes, for sure.
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You don't know what other people have or what their skills are or what their talents are.
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Um and sometimes just having somebody else with you is is they have a different perspective.
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So um so what the some of the benefits of of asking for help are it builds connection and trust, right?
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So it deepens your relationships.
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And so um if you're if you're sorting through things and you're spending some time um telling your stories about the things, um they get to know you better and um you get to share with them and you get to they can relate to stories that they have in their life or they can learn something about you.
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Um so I think you know the relationships that happen when you're asking for help or um helping each other helps you, you know, make deeper connections with people.
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Yeah, I think that uh reciprocity really ends up benefiting both people when you open that door and ask for that help, um you're able to return the favor in in um you know gifts of time or energy or skills that you have back and forth, and it becomes just this relationship that is much deeper because you're both helping, you know, each other, yeah, maybe in different ways.
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Yeah, it also models healthy behavior, right?
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If you're asking for help, maybe somebody who's afraid to ask for help will think, oh, that's okay.
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If they're asking, I can ask for help back or I can ask to.
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Um, it creates community.
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That's how um churches and neighborhoods and families stay strong, right?
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So that's how that works is if you are working together for a cause of something, right?
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Yeah, back to like barn raising days, the whole town just gathered, like we're putting up Joe's barn today.
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And yeah, what's that saying about like the more hands make quick work or whatever?
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Oh yeah, yeah, we have um I don't know what that means.
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Many hands make light work, yes, something like that.
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Yeah, like so.
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If you think something's like overwhelming, but you can get some people to help, and maybe that's just moving heavy things or you know, whatever.
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Um, but the more the more the better in you know, getting some in something done, especially if you're cleaning out something and you just actually need to do some physical cleaning or things, you know, that kind of stuff.
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If somebody everybody takes a job, that happens so much more quickly than if you're just trying to do it all yourself.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And it helps you avoid um burnout or maybe injury if you're trying to lift heavy things, but um if it's if you're have if you're doing a big transition and you're having to kind of sort through through things over and over and over every day, um, you can definitely burn out.
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And just having some camaraderie or having somebody to share that with or some make sure you don't pick somebody who wants to keep everything.
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Make sure you pick somebody who um, you know, just has a perspective that that they're you're working through to let go of things.
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Um but that can help you so much just mentally not feeling like you're alone doing it.
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Yeah, and getting through uh with some help to accomplish a big project of you know reducing things or getting a big cleaning job done, it can uh have that ripple effect of everything after it being easier because you have more space or you have less to clean or things like that, um, because you asked for help to get over that initial mountain.
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Yeah, and it's not taking, it's it's asking for you know somebody to walk with you through the process, like just inviting somebody to share that process with you instead of thinking that you're taking in.
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I will say um when we see this, so many of the kids um want to help, but they don't know how.
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And that goes back to, I know I'm always go back to that first step, because I think the first step is the one that gets um skipped the most in our five-step process.
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And the first step is to be dreamy about what is happening and kind of come up with what you want that future to look like.
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And if you do that, then you have parameters to to invite somebody to help you and be much more specific and and you you guys can have a conversation about what that future is gonna look like so everybody's on the same page, and so when everybody's on the same page, you know what you're working towards, and then you can how you know break that down into specific things that need to be done, and then you can ask for help.
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Because if you're just like, I need help, um your kids don't know what that means.
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Um, like they they want to help you, but they don't know where to start, and you don't know where to start.
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So if you start with what that future looks like and what you think you're gonna need, and I don't really need anything from this basement except for you know a few specific special things, then okay, what are we gonna do with all over the rest of that stuff?
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That's a project, right?
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That turns into something that's more specific and easy to understand.
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I need help with the garage because I'm not gonna I'm moving into a condo and I'm not gonna need any of these gardening tools anymore, or I'm not gonna, you know, whatever.
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You you're you have more parameters to help understand.
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I know um from my own experience, that's so much more helpful.
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Um, you know, when I can be visiting my mom and be like, okay, make a list.
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If there's things you need me to do, we can just work through that list real quick and then move on to visiting or going to lunch or whatever we were gonna do, rather than that vague, like, oh, I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
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And I would love to help her, but I don't know what chunk I can tackle and get done and make progress without knowing that overall plan or just those things of like here's specifically what I need help with.
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I can absolutely do that.
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Well, and if you're the adult kid, um, if they're saying they're overwhelmed, ask them what's bugging them the most, right?
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What is the thing that's irritating them the most?
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And it may be like, ugh, I can't get these things upstairs, or I can't get these things downstairs, or I need to, you know, I can't, I just have been focusing on all those pictures I have in that, you know, what whatever it is that, you know, they might have, you know, something specific.
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What's bothering you the most?
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Let's hit let's tackle that first.
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And if it's you uh getting ready to ask your kids, to ask yourself the same question.
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What is what's bugging you?
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Is it, you know, all that stuff keeps all that Tupperware falls out of that one cupboard every time I open it, right?
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We're gonna deal with that.
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Like, what is it?
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It doesn't even have to be anything, you know, monumental or like I want to deal with every you know sentimental thing that I have in the house today.
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Like it can be something like that cupboard bugs me, or you know, this, I can't open that door all the way because I put a bunch of stuff over there.
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You know, whatever it is.
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Um, and you can handle things little bits at a time, and then it it will snowball into something bigger that feels great.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So let's talk a little bit about what happens when you don't ask for help.
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You can live um, you know, in loneliness or just that feeling of overwhelm, or miss an opportunity that comes along because you're not ready for it because you still need the help but you haven't asked for it.
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I mean, what happened like for me, uh um my mom, a lot of stuff, I didn't get the stories of it, and I missed the opportunity forever because I won't ever get to get those stories.
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Um and so um don't do that.
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You know, share your share what's important about the stuff that you have and spend the time to be able to do that.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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Um you can be uh putting your health or your safety at risk if you're not asking for help and you're being you know stubborn at that.
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I've seen, you know, family members do that and just continue doing something that someone um else could do um with a lot less risk and would be happy to do for you.
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Yeah, moving heavy things, heavy boxes, getting up on ladders, you know, any kinds of those things.
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Just somebody else that's you know younger and more able can probably definitely do that easier and with less risk of injury.
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Yeah, pulling down decorations from addicts, things like that.
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Um or resentment if you are feeling like nobody helps me, my kids aren't helping me, and you're just feeling resentful.
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It may be just looking at yourself and making sure you've actually asked.
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Yeah.
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Because it is hard as um the adult kid to make assumptions and you know feel like you're crossing boundaries if you just start doing things that maybe weren't asked of you.
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That dynamic, uh that parent-child dynamic is tough to navigate sometimes.
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So if you're feeling like you wish you had more help, but people aren't offering to help, sometimes it honestly does have to start with a an ask.
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And and a specific ask.
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I think that's the key is the more specific that you can get about it, um, the the easier it is for them to fulfill that for you.
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And I think what we hear um so much, the we hear these words.
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My kids are busy.
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And um your kids are busy and they do have busy lives, and that's all true.
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But don't make the decision for them in that they don't necessarily want to help you.
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If it feels like they don't want to help you, and I'm not saying that some kids can't help you, I get that, but a lot of kids aren't helping because they don't know what to do specifically.
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Yeah.
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And so they they're like, I I want to help my mom, but I don't know what to do, and I don't want to, like you said, cross any boundaries or step over, you know, whatever.
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Um, and them and the parents at the same time are like, oh, I'm good, I don't need anything.
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And it's just this just miscommunication that's happening, and it turns into feeling like, oh, they don't want to help me, or my mom won't, you know, whatever.
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And it's not that, it's just that neither of you know what what it needs to be done specifically and and how to help each other and and how to ask and then how to do it.
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There's a huge difference.
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Yeah, there's a huge difference between saying, you know, I'm thinking about downsizing, can you help me sometime?
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Or I've been thinking about you know reducing the amount of stuff in the basement.
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Could you come over for two hours next Saturday and help me bring stuff upstairs to the donation center?
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Like those dynamics, one will never happen because it's too vague.
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And the other absolutely, you know, could happen.
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Could happen.
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Yeah, yes.
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So yeah, I think it's just um sometimes not asking because you feel like they're busy.
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Um, and so that's you just assuming that they're too busy to help you, but then sometimes people get bitter about that even when they haven't asked, right?
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Um and then not being specific about what it is that needs to be done.
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And you might not know every single thing that needs to be done, and that's okay.
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And it will reveal itself as you work towards it.
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So it just pick the thing that is the most glaring, obvious thing.
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I am sick of all that stuff on the dining room table because I just put it there as a place when I don't know what to do with it.
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I'm gonna clean off the dining room table.
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Do you have an hour or two on some speci you know, let me know the best time for you?
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You I mean, you can say this weekend, or you can say whatever works in the next week, what you know, do you have two hours that you can come over and help me?
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Yeah, whatever that is.
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I need to sort my paperwork into stuff that I is important.
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I need to clean off the dining room table, I need to move things from the basement, whatever it is, pick something specific and ask for it.
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Um, and then the next, you know, a couple weeks later it might be something else.
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And uh like I said, it will just start to reveal itself.
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You'll start to see it yourself and be like, oh, that that bugs me or that bugs me, and you'll get through it.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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There's ways to ask for help too that's more in line with like an accountability partner.
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Um, you can ask a friend, you know, hey, I'm really wanting to go through my photos.
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Do you want to come over for coffee once a week?
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And we'll both go through your photos.
00:19:39.460 --> 00:19:45.779
Yeah, whatever that looks like, there are ways to just have that moral support as help too.
00:19:45.779 --> 00:19:52.500
Um, you know, not always just pulling in somebody, it's just keeping on on track.
00:19:52.500 --> 00:19:58.420
Um, you know, I know Jody motivates me when we're texting, like I'm going to the donation center, are you?
00:19:58.420 --> 00:20:04.579
And it's you know, that kind of help um can really just get you through the process as well.
00:20:04.899 --> 00:20:12.420
Yeah, even if you're not doing it together, if you if somebody else that you know is wanting to go through that process too, you know, give each other a call.
00:20:12.420 --> 00:20:24.579
Okay, I'm gonna spend 30 minutes down, you know, I'm gonna take a picture and sh send it to you before and after, whatever, just some kind of accountability around it can help you even just make yourself get excited about it.
00:20:24.579 --> 00:20:28.339
So here's some here's some list of of breakdowns of what it is.
00:20:28.339 --> 00:20:41.460
So physical help, moving furniture, lifting b heavy boxes, you know, organizing closets, maybe that's the you know, you gotta send the grandkids over with their friends and and they're gonna load up a bunch of stuff, you know, because it's heavy and like they need to, you know, whatever.
00:20:41.460 --> 00:20:43.539
So physical help, emotional support.
00:20:43.539 --> 00:20:45.619
So you just need somebody to listen to your stories.
00:20:45.619 --> 00:20:50.420
You just need them to, you know, sit with you while you're going through it, listen to those stories.
00:20:50.420 --> 00:20:58.180
And uh a lot of times when you're trying to let things go, um, once you've told the story, it's easier to let it go.
00:20:58.180 --> 00:21:01.059
Um, I don't know, that's just a mental thing that happens.
00:21:01.059 --> 00:21:04.099
Um you'll notice it as you start to do it.
00:21:04.099 --> 00:21:09.619
Um and you'll realize in your head, I think, that the story is interesting but not interesting enough to keep it.
00:21:09.619 --> 00:21:17.619
Or it's not like, you know, it's not something that you love so much that once you've told that story, you're like, oh, and because I told that story, I need it.
00:21:17.619 --> 00:21:20.819
Now it's like I told that story and it can go.
00:21:21.379 --> 00:21:25.059
They didn't even glance up or laugh or smile, not that great of a story.
00:21:25.379 --> 00:21:37.059
But you didn't feel that connected to it when the story came out, and so that I think that's helps you uh let it go because it has a story, but this the story's been told and it's okay to let it go now.
00:21:37.059 --> 00:21:37.619
Yeah.
00:21:37.619 --> 00:21:39.379
Um decision making.
00:21:39.379 --> 00:21:46.659
So um you somebody that can help you with decision making, um, help you sort priorities of pros and cons and whatever.
00:21:46.659 --> 00:21:48.500
Be careful with the person you pick with this.
00:21:48.500 --> 00:21:52.180
You don't want to pick the person who's super sentimental and wants to keep everything.
00:21:52.180 --> 00:22:12.420
Um, and if you don't have the right person uh in your life for this, you absolutely can hire that person, a professional organizer, a move manager, somebody that can help you without having their own sentimental attachment to your stuff, um, but still who understands that they need to give you that um respect for your things.
00:22:12.420 --> 00:22:14.740
Um, you know, it's not just junk, right?
00:22:14.740 --> 00:22:20.259
Um so somebody who can help you with a different lens that they look through things.
00:22:20.579 --> 00:22:47.220
Yeah, we had a client recently that had done so much over the past year of sorting their things and making decisions, and they hired um an organizing company for it was only like half a day, so it wasn't um you know, huge, they were handling everything, and that was just the help she needed to get over that final stage of like, I've done the things that were easy, I've done the things.
00:22:47.220 --> 00:23:01.139
That made sense and I knew what to do with, and now I'm left with this last bit that I'm either struggling making those last decisions on, or it's you know, more oddball stuff.
00:23:01.139 --> 00:23:04.180
I don't even know what to do with it if I don't want it.
00:23:04.180 --> 00:23:10.819
Um, and that help that she asked for was got them over the finish line for their move.
00:23:10.819 --> 00:23:14.180
Um, so it doesn't need to be an all or nothing.
00:23:14.180 --> 00:23:26.899
Um, you know, there's levels of I can do it myself to this point, and then I need to ask help either from a professional or family member to get through to the end.
00:23:27.139 --> 00:23:27.539
Yeah.
00:23:27.539 --> 00:23:29.539
And then the last one is logistical help.
00:23:29.539 --> 00:23:31.059
And some of this isn't even about moving.
00:23:31.059 --> 00:23:36.899
Maybe you need rides to appointments, maybe you need some tech help, um, maybe you need help navigating your paperwork.
00:23:36.899 --> 00:23:43.940
And maybe you have somebody in your family who's super great at paperwork and can do that, and maybe you don't, and then you can definitely hire people that can help you.
00:23:44.420 --> 00:23:59.700
Yeah, one of our earliest episodes with Mark Healy on the driving and senior driving, uh, he gave such great advice on you know how the help needs to be specifically asked for in order for a plan to work.
00:23:59.700 --> 00:24:13.779
On and that goes back to this logistical, not just like, okay, I can't drive anymore, but like, okay, here's the things I specifically want to get to, here's when they are, can we make a schedule for that?
00:24:13.779 --> 00:24:16.259
And then you get the help you need.
00:24:16.259 --> 00:24:25.940
Everybody is glad that you are still getting to what you need to get to, uh, but it's not just um mix of resentment and like how do I help?
00:24:25.940 --> 00:24:26.899
What do you need?
00:24:26.899 --> 00:24:33.700
Um it can really be better with some clear um definition of what help is needed.
00:24:34.099 --> 00:24:34.500
For sure.
00:24:34.500 --> 00:24:40.099
So physical, emotional decision making, um, professional guidance if you need it, and logistical help.
00:24:40.099 --> 00:24:45.379
Those are your kind of buckets, and so think about who fits in those buckets for you.
00:24:45.379 --> 00:24:48.659
You know, who can help physically physical stuff, who can help with emotional stuff.
00:24:48.659 --> 00:24:56.019
So kind of think about those people and maybe write down some names of people that you might be able to ask for help in different areas.
00:24:56.019 --> 00:24:58.500
It may not be the same people for each thing, right?
00:24:58.500 --> 00:25:02.099
So you don't have to go to the same one person every time.
00:25:02.099 --> 00:25:03.779
Um, so who is that?
00:25:03.779 --> 00:25:11.539
Um so as as silly as it sounds, I think we are so bad at asking for help, we might actually need some words, right?
00:25:11.539 --> 00:25:14.579
Some some scripts of how how to do that.
00:25:14.579 --> 00:25:23.460
And so um using phrases like, you know, would you be open to, or I'd really like your help with, or hey, could I run something by you?
00:25:23.460 --> 00:25:35.779
Would you be able to, you know, whatever, yeah, um kind of soften it, like not like, hey, I need you to help me do this, like, you know, more you know, as as much of a um demand.
00:25:36.339 --> 00:25:41.379
Can I get your advice on, you know, yeah, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.
00:25:41.539 --> 00:25:48.659
You know, could we could we grab coffee and just you know, go through a few of my pictures or you know, whatever that is.
00:25:48.659 --> 00:25:56.980
Like, um, so and and think about the people in your life, the ones that are really organized because they love to be organized.
00:25:56.980 --> 00:26:00.980
Like those are the kind of people who would be like that's fun to them, right?
00:26:00.980 --> 00:26:07.139
It's fun, it's not like you're asking them something that's so out of their wheel, you know, wheelhouse.
00:26:07.220 --> 00:26:24.259
They love that or seeing someone that's successfully gone through whatever you're needing help with, if it's downsizing, you know, your friends that have already done all of that, what worked for them, what what didn't, what help did they get that you might not know about?
00:26:24.259 --> 00:26:37.779
Um, you know, just noticing um that your neighbor might be great in their garden and helping you with something in your yard might just be an extension of what they already love to do.
00:26:37.779 --> 00:26:40.420
You know, they're not gonna be fish out of water.
00:26:40.420 --> 00:26:45.460
They're just like, Yeah, I will absolutely, you know, trim your bushes when I'm doing mine.
00:26:46.019 --> 00:26:47.220
Yeah, they probably can't wait to do that.
00:26:47.220 --> 00:26:50.019
They've probably been looking over there and going, I wish I could go trim their bushes.
00:26:50.659 --> 00:26:51.299
Oh my gosh.
00:26:51.299 --> 00:27:03.779
I had a neighbor years years back, and you know, I was a single mom dealing with, you know, my house and the yard and uh busy life at the time, and it was overwhelming.
00:27:03.779 --> 00:27:06.420
And um, you know, I didn't have the right tools.
00:27:06.420 --> 00:27:33.059
We had a lot of trees in our neighborhood, and I, you know, have my rake, and it would take me hours and hours if I was gonna rake all these leaves, and he would just quietly bring his little ride-on thing with the trailer that scooped up all the leaves, and he would just wave at me as I'm out there raking, and he would just buzz around and do my whole yard around me, you know, in a half hour where it would take me, you know, a whole day.
00:27:33.059 --> 00:27:36.420
And you know, people love to help like that.
00:27:36.420 --> 00:27:45.460
And um, you know, he he would do that, and um, I knew I could count on him for those type of things that were easier for him than they were for me.
00:27:45.460 --> 00:27:51.779
And what a gift because it wasn't my skill set and my tools, and didn't have the things.
00:27:51.779 --> 00:28:03.940
So there's lots of people in your life where something you're feeling overwhelmed by is easy because of their talents, because of resources they have, whatever it is.
00:28:03.940 --> 00:28:11.859
Try to connect with those people and it will be a joy for them to make something that's simple for them, simple for you too.
00:28:12.259 --> 00:28:13.619
Yeah, yes, for sure.
00:28:13.619 --> 00:28:16.740
Yeah, so don't be afraid to ask for those things.
00:28:16.740 --> 00:28:21.220
Um because remember, letting them help you is a gift, right?
00:28:21.220 --> 00:28:22.899
Yeah, yes.
00:28:23.220 --> 00:28:27.940
Yeah, and I mean keep in mind people don't know what you need unless you tell them.
00:28:27.940 --> 00:28:28.339
Right.
00:28:28.339 --> 00:28:36.339
Um, and I think we see a lot of people that you know do put up that wall of I'm fine, it's all fine.
00:28:36.339 --> 00:28:43.619
And maybe it's them not wanting to fully look behind the curtain themselves and see how things have changed.
00:28:43.619 --> 00:28:50.740
And certainly we have just been talking about how hard it is to ask for help even when you know you need it.
00:28:50.740 --> 00:28:53.779
Um but but people don't know unless you ask.
00:28:53.779 --> 00:28:55.539
So we can only encourage it.
00:28:55.700 --> 00:29:05.940
And I think the people who look so capable are the ones that don't get the help because they it just seems like, oh, they're okay, like I don't have to, you know, uh help them.
00:29:05.940 --> 00:29:09.539
But uh but they still might need it, like they still might need those things.
00:29:09.539 --> 00:29:13.299
So um again, just be really specific in the beginning.
00:29:13.299 --> 00:29:18.659
A global like I need help just feels big and like okay, but I don't know what to do for you.
00:29:18.659 --> 00:29:26.819
I think that's like when somebody something has happened to somebody um uh uh that's tragic or you know, like some kind of a bad thing.
00:29:26.819 --> 00:29:31.539
It when people are like, Oh, just let me know what you need, uh like you don't you don't know.
00:29:31.539 --> 00:29:34.099
Yeah, you know, they don't know how to help you.
00:29:34.099 --> 00:29:38.740
But if they say something specific like, hey, I'm gonna bring you a meal on Thursday, okay?
00:29:38.740 --> 00:29:43.299
Um, and then you know, that's that's so clear and easy.
00:29:43.299 --> 00:29:48.339
So you need to make it that clear and easy when you're asking for help um of what it is.
00:29:48.339 --> 00:29:53.859
It needs to be very like, hey, I need um some help going through my clothes in my closet.
00:29:54.180 --> 00:29:55.859
Yeah, or take them up on that.
00:29:55.859 --> 00:29:57.139
Let me know what you need.
00:29:57.139 --> 00:30:05.460
I mean they they're saying they truly do want to help you, yeah, but they don't know how to chunk that down from the outside.
00:30:05.460 --> 00:30:09.379
So just you know, take people up on that.
00:30:09.379 --> 00:30:16.259
What yep, here is one thing that would really absolutely be amazing if you did this for me.
00:30:16.579 --> 00:30:34.740
And I think you'll find joy from it, and they'll find joy from it, and it will be a connection um in your life that feels so good, so um it feels so much better than being so independent and trying to, you know, get over the overwhelm um by yourself and stop feeling like you need to, like it's not a weakness.
00:30:35.059 --> 00:31:00.259
I think in in you know, going through notes for this, I've thought back on times when I've said those same words to someone, um, you know, let me know what you need, and someone's going through something big and you know that, and you you know, I'm like, I really did want to help, but I didn't know what to do, and I probably felt like I just trailed off and didn't keep checking in or whatever.
00:31:00.259 --> 00:31:10.980
But um, you know, if that communication just breaks down a little bit more into thank you so much, I'll I'll get back to you next week, and here's what I do need.
00:31:10.980 --> 00:31:14.579
Um you know, there's joy on both sides.
00:31:14.819 --> 00:31:15.139
Yeah.
00:31:15.139 --> 00:31:16.579
And make yourself a list.
00:31:16.579 --> 00:31:22.259
Um, just go right now, make yourself a list of like the five things that bug you the most about about what's going on in your house.
00:31:22.259 --> 00:31:48.740
You know, like I can't stand walking by that pile of whatever, or I can't stand, you know, there's these heavy books and I can't move them, or you know, whatever it is, like just make yourself a little list and then see who you think in your life would be um the one that could help you get that off your mind because it's so heavy that that anxiety that that creates when you feel like you should be doing something and you can't physically do it or you haven't made yourself do it.
00:31:48.740 --> 00:31:54.259
Um, there is so much um weight to that in your mind that you aren't even thinking about.
00:31:54.579 --> 00:31:56.259
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
00:31:56.259 --> 00:31:58.579
So a little mini challenge.
00:31:58.579 --> 00:32:02.339
Um ask for one thing this week, big or small.
00:32:02.339 --> 00:32:07.619
Um, just practice because we know with anything, practice makes it easier.
00:32:07.619 --> 00:32:14.899
The first time you go out on a limb and ask for help, it might feel uncomfortable, uh, but it gets easier.
00:32:14.899 --> 00:32:22.180
And even if you're met with the reaction, you know, not with the reaction you wanted, and that doesn't ask again.
00:32:22.180 --> 00:32:25.059
Just get over that hump, uh, get used to it.
00:32:25.059 --> 00:32:28.740
There's so many people that would love to help you.
00:32:28.740 --> 00:32:37.779
Um, if you need anything from us, resources, ideas, strategies on how to move forward, please reach out to us for that ask.
00:32:37.779 --> 00:32:40.339
Uh, downsizingroadmap.com.
00:32:40.339 --> 00:32:41.700
We are there.
00:32:41.700 --> 00:32:44.420
Uh, you can reach out to us by email.
00:32:44.420 --> 00:32:57.059
You can come in through our downsizingroadmap.com backslash help if there's anything specific that you need, or just start with our free guide, uh, downsizingroadmap.com backslash guide.
00:32:57.059 --> 00:33:03.220
All of those options um if if you need to practice on us, yeah, us, just ask us for help.
00:33:03.539 --> 00:33:06.259
Yeah, just um we if we told you a lot of things.
00:33:06.259 --> 00:33:08.099
Go to downsizingroadmap.com.
00:33:08.099 --> 00:33:20.819
All of that stuff is there on our website, and we also have a uh little Facebook group where everybody that's going through this can go in there and join and um ask questions and kind of help each other.
00:33:20.819 --> 00:33:22.740
Um, so you can join that as well.
00:33:22.740 --> 00:33:25.220
So uh downsizingroadmap.com has all of that.
00:33:25.220 --> 00:33:27.940
All of that right on the home page right on the homepage.
00:33:27.940 --> 00:33:31.220
So we would love to connect with you um outside the podcast.
00:33:31.220 --> 00:33:33.779
So um go ask for some help today.
00:33:33.940 --> 00:33:36.740
Yeah, and we will be back next week with some more advice.
00:33:36.740 --> 00:33:37.539
Bye-bye.
00:33:37.539 --> 00:33:41.700
Thanks for joining us on the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast.
00:33:41.700 --> 00:33:50.180
If you found this episode helpful, be sure to subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with someone who might need a little downsizing inspiration.
00:33:50.180 --> 00:33:58.899
Have questions or ideas for future episodes, reach out to us on our website, www.downsizingroadmap.com.
00:33:58.899 --> 00:34:02.740
Until next time, let's keep simplifying and moving forward.
00:00:01.199 --> 00:00:07.919
Welcome back to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast with your hosts Jodi Rosko and Heather Fisher.
00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:13.519
We're talking about all things downsizing, from our own experiences with clients to guest experts.
00:00:13.519 --> 00:00:17.120
Let's make downsizing easier, one conversation at a time.
00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:21.679
Hi, welcome to the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast.
00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:26.079
Today we're talking about getting comfortable asking for help.
00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:29.039
I think this is actually like for me, to me.
00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:30.960
I'm gonna just talk to myself.
00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:31.679
Right.
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:34.799
I'm like, I'm just here for the advice.
00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:36.000
What do we do?
00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:37.920
What am I saying about this?
00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:39.840
Because I'm saying it to myself.
00:00:40.159 --> 00:00:43.759
Yes, I definitely struggle asking for help.
00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:48.640
I am so thankful my mom, you know, raised us to be self-sufficient.
00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:55.840
Self-sufficient and strong, you know, independent women, and as my mom would say, strong like bull.
00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:57.600
She would say that all the time.
00:00:57.600 --> 00:01:05.599
But then those personalities, I I think it's hard for all of us to ask for help, but uh some of us more than others.
00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:11.040
Yeah, I think it is definitely what values you grew up with.
00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:18.560
And um, we did a whole podcast on uh the history, you know, like our history and why we're so independent.
00:01:18.560 --> 00:01:23.200
Yeah um and so um that's an interesting one if you go back and listen to that one.
00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:37.840
But um it's so ingrained in us to, you know, be independent, especially depending on what, you know, uh generation you're from, um, but very, very independent um thinking and do it myself.
00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:43.680
And um that's why sometimes we see people, you know, don't take care of their houses and all of those things because they want to do it themselves.
00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:46.719
They don't even want to ask for help or hire help to do it, you know.
00:01:46.719 --> 00:01:53.200
Um, and so um, yeah, it's it's hard to get past that cultural conditioning around it.
00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:54.560
So that's what we're gonna talk about today.
00:01:54.560 --> 00:01:55.439
I'm Jodi Rosko.
00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:56.560
I'm Heather Fisher.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:02.239
And we just why I mean, uh asking for help just feels so hard sometimes.
00:02:02.239 --> 00:02:12.879
But um I so my Aunt Karen told me one time, and it just this really sunk into me, was um like it's a gift to let people help you, right?
00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:18.879
Because if you're the kind of person, most of the people who don't want to ask for help help everyone else.
00:02:18.879 --> 00:02:19.360
Yeah.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:24.240
But the only way that you can help people is if they're letting you help them, yeah, right?
00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:26.080
So they're all letting you help them.
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:31.840
If you are the helper person and you don't want to ask for help yourself, all these other people are letting you help them.
00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:40.159
So you have to let them help you because that is giving them that gift of feeling like they're helping you, and everybody likes to help each other, right?
00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:46.400
And so that really kind of stuck with me that you know, people can only help you if you will accept it.
00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:49.840
And when she said that, I was like, Aren't you smart, Aunt Karen?
00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:50.400
Yes.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:52.479
Such a great way to look at it, Aunt Karen.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:54.000
Thank you for the advice.
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We need her here.
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Every once in a while I get it in my ear, and I'm like, oh yeah.
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Give them that gift of letting them help you.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:03.280
Yeah, I think that's so true.
00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:07.599
Um, we find um, you know, people want to help.
00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:14.159
I mean, I think us humans, we all get that good feeling from helping, and we all want to help.
00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:33.599
Um, and so we're gonna talk a little bit today on some um ways to to go about that where you're giving someone that path that makes it easy for them to help and you know removes that that burden and the vagueness and just takes that away because people love to help.
00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:41.039
And when you make it an easy path of specifically what you want and how they can help, uh, that's just a win-win for everybody.
00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:41.599
Yeah.
00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:42.080
Yeah.
00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:49.439
I think that the a lot of generational, there's a lot of generational pride around um we don't tell anybody our business.
00:03:49.680 --> 00:03:49.919
Yeah.
00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:54.639
We don't um we we just we're we were taught to figure it out for ourselves.
00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:59.759
We can fix all the things, we can, you know, make you know, the food lasts.
00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:04.000
There's all kinds of like things that you that we were taught that we're just gonna figure it out.
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:05.520
We're gonna figure it out ourselves.
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:06.960
And that's great.
00:04:06.960 --> 00:04:13.840
Um, but sometimes you don't need to figure it out yourself, and sometimes people really want to help you, but they don't know how.
00:04:13.840 --> 00:04:16.639
Um, and so that's something that we're gonna talk about.
00:04:16.639 --> 00:04:18.079
Shame and guilt sometimes.
00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:21.439
It feels like, oh, I should be able to do this myself.
00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:32.959
Um and you feel like you're a burden, um, or you feel like um you should be able to handle it yourself, but you you know, not being able to makes you feel inadequate in some way.
00:04:32.959 --> 00:04:38.800
Um again, nope, just you know, being willing to, you know, d help people.
00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:45.839
So we we love helping others, but we resist having others help us, and so that's just something we need to get our mindset around in a different way.
00:04:46.160 --> 00:05:00.480
Yeah, and if you've been the person that has been the helper um, you know, all of the time and you've been the one giving, it's hard to um you know shift that role and acknowledge that you need some help.
00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:07.680
That's just well and sometimes I think we don't realize you you have to be filled back up sometimes too, right?
00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:18.560
Like you're you so helping others sometimes will fill you back up, but sometimes when you help so many other people and you don't take care of yourself, you empty some part of yourself there, right?
00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:25.839
And so you have to get that filled back up in a way, and sometimes you have to let somebody else fill it up for you, like you know, do help you.
00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:32.560
And some people will help lots and lots, but then they kind of feel resentment, like nobody's helping me, but they're not letting them help them.
00:05:32.560 --> 00:05:35.680
Like so that's are you that are you doing that?
00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:41.439
Is that when you're like if your mindset is like, oh my gosh, I help everybody else and nobody helps me, are you letting them help you?
00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:46.560
Or are you you know pushing them off and they're trying to help you and like no no I got that, I got that, I got that.
00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:52.800
And so then they think, oh, she's fine, like she doesn't need it, and you do need it, you just have get sent the wrong messages.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:54.000
Yeah, absolutely.
00:05:54.000 --> 00:06:17.439
I think one other bonus um is that people don't always realize um what resources or help is out there, and that can both be through um, you know, like we've uncovered in focusing on downsizing, so many resources that are available for people that we could share with you if you uh tell us your hurdle and ask and and all of that.
00:06:17.439 --> 00:06:25.519
But a lot of um amongst your family and friends, you know, for instance, you know, you have a tree that needs cut down in your yard.
00:06:25.519 --> 00:06:42.000
You don't know that your neighbor has exactly the saw that would make it a 10-minute job versus you know, you working on it for 10 hours because you don't have the right tools or the right strength or the right ladder, things like that.
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:51.040
Um so putting that ask out there, sometimes the solution is so much easier than what you're slogging through trying to do something yourself.
00:06:51.360 --> 00:06:52.000
Yes, for sure.
00:06:52.000 --> 00:06:56.160
You don't know what other people have or what their skills are or what their talents are.
00:06:56.160 --> 00:07:01.839
Um and sometimes just having somebody else with you is is they have a different perspective.
00:07:01.839 --> 00:07:09.439
So um so what the some of the benefits of of asking for help are it builds connection and trust, right?
00:07:09.439 --> 00:07:11.120
So it deepens your relationships.
00:07:11.120 --> 00:07:27.759
And so um if you're if you're sorting through things and you're spending some time um telling your stories about the things, um they get to know you better and um you get to share with them and you get to they can relate to stories that they have in their life or they can learn something about you.
00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:39.040
Um so I think you know the relationships that happen when you're asking for help or um helping each other helps you, you know, make deeper connections with people.
00:07:39.279 --> 00:08:04.639
Yeah, I think that uh reciprocity really ends up benefiting both people when you open that door and ask for that help, um you're able to return the favor in in um you know gifts of time or energy or skills that you have back and forth, and it becomes just this relationship that is much deeper because you're both helping, you know, each other, yeah, maybe in different ways.
00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:07.199
Yeah, it also models healthy behavior, right?
00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:11.680
If you're asking for help, maybe somebody who's afraid to ask for help will think, oh, that's okay.
00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:15.439
If they're asking, I can ask for help back or I can ask to.
00:08:15.439 --> 00:08:17.680
Um, it creates community.
00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:21.680
That's how um churches and neighborhoods and families stay strong, right?
00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:26.879
So that's how that works is if you are working together for a cause of something, right?
00:08:27.199 --> 00:08:33.840
Yeah, back to like barn raising days, the whole town just gathered, like we're putting up Joe's barn today.
00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:38.080
And yeah, what's that saying about like the more hands make quick work or whatever?
00:08:38.080 --> 00:08:40.240
Oh yeah, yeah, we have um I don't know what that means.
00:08:40.639 --> 00:08:43.600
Many hands make light work, yes, something like that.
00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:44.639
Yeah, like so.
00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:52.240
If you think something's like overwhelming, but you can get some people to help, and maybe that's just moving heavy things or you know, whatever.
00:08:52.240 --> 00:09:04.000
Um, but the more the more the better in you know, getting some in something done, especially if you're cleaning out something and you just actually need to do some physical cleaning or things, you know, that kind of stuff.
00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:08.879
If somebody everybody takes a job, that happens so much more quickly than if you're just trying to do it all yourself.
00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:10.320
Yeah, absolutely.
00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:26.080
And it helps you avoid um burnout or maybe injury if you're trying to lift heavy things, but um if it's if you're have if you're doing a big transition and you're having to kind of sort through through things over and over and over every day, um, you can definitely burn out.
00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:31.600
And just having some camaraderie or having somebody to share that with or some make sure you don't pick somebody who wants to keep everything.
00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:38.240
Make sure you pick somebody who um, you know, just has a perspective that that they're you're working through to let go of things.
00:09:38.240 --> 00:09:43.279
Um but that can help you so much just mentally not feeling like you're alone doing it.
00:09:43.519 --> 00:10:06.799
Yeah, and getting through uh with some help to accomplish a big project of you know reducing things or getting a big cleaning job done, it can uh have that ripple effect of everything after it being easier because you have more space or you have less to clean or things like that, um, because you asked for help to get over that initial mountain.
00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:18.000
Yeah, and it's not taking, it's it's asking for you know somebody to walk with you through the process, like just inviting somebody to share that process with you instead of thinking that you're taking in.
00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:25.200
I will say um when we see this, so many of the kids um want to help, but they don't know how.
00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:32.399
And that goes back to, I know I'm always go back to that first step, because I think the first step is the one that gets um skipped the most in our five-step process.
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:39.519
And the first step is to be dreamy about what is happening and kind of come up with what you want that future to look like.
00:10:39.519 --> 00:11:03.600
And if you do that, then you have parameters to to invite somebody to help you and be much more specific and and you you guys can have a conversation about what that future is gonna look like so everybody's on the same page, and so when everybody's on the same page, you know what you're working towards, and then you can how you know break that down into specific things that need to be done, and then you can ask for help.
00:11:03.600 --> 00:11:09.679
Because if you're just like, I need help, um your kids don't know what that means.
00:11:09.679 --> 00:11:14.480
Um, like they they want to help you, but they don't know where to start, and you don't know where to start.
00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:28.320
So if you start with what that future looks like and what you think you're gonna need, and I don't really need anything from this basement except for you know a few specific special things, then okay, what are we gonna do with all over the rest of that stuff?
00:11:28.320 --> 00:11:29.440
That's a project, right?
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:32.960
That turns into something that's more specific and easy to understand.
00:11:32.960 --> 00:11:39.919
I need help with the garage because I'm not gonna I'm moving into a condo and I'm not gonna need any of these gardening tools anymore, or I'm not gonna, you know, whatever.
00:11:39.919 --> 00:11:43.600
You you're you have more parameters to help understand.
00:11:43.919 --> 00:11:47.759
I know um from my own experience, that's so much more helpful.
00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:53.039
Um, you know, when I can be visiting my mom and be like, okay, make a list.
00:11:53.039 --> 00:12:07.440
If there's things you need me to do, we can just work through that list real quick and then move on to visiting or going to lunch or whatever we were gonna do, rather than that vague, like, oh, I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:23.840
And I would love to help her, but I don't know what chunk I can tackle and get done and make progress without knowing that overall plan or just those things of like here's specifically what I need help with.
00:12:23.840 --> 00:12:25.440
I can absolutely do that.
00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:32.000
Well, and if you're the adult kid, um, if they're saying they're overwhelmed, ask them what's bugging them the most, right?
00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:34.399
What is the thing that's irritating them the most?
00:12:34.399 --> 00:12:48.080
And it may be like, ugh, I can't get these things upstairs, or I can't get these things downstairs, or I need to, you know, I can't, I just have been focusing on all those pictures I have in that, you know, what whatever it is that, you know, they might have, you know, something specific.
00:12:48.080 --> 00:12:49.360
What's bothering you the most?
00:12:49.360 --> 00:12:51.039
Let's hit let's tackle that first.
00:12:51.039 --> 00:12:55.759
And if it's you uh getting ready to ask your kids, to ask yourself the same question.
00:12:55.759 --> 00:12:57.279
What is what's bugging you?
00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:02.879
Is it, you know, all that stuff keeps all that Tupperware falls out of that one cupboard every time I open it, right?
00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:03.759
We're gonna deal with that.
00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:04.559
Like, what is it?
00:13:04.559 --> 00:13:11.200
It doesn't even have to be anything, you know, monumental or like I want to deal with every you know sentimental thing that I have in the house today.
00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:18.799
Like it can be something like that cupboard bugs me, or you know, this, I can't open that door all the way because I put a bunch of stuff over there.
00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:20.000
You know, whatever it is.
00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:27.039
Um, and you can handle things little bits at a time, and then it it will snowball into something bigger that feels great.
00:13:27.360 --> 00:13:28.639
Yeah, absolutely.
00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:33.679
So let's talk a little bit about what happens when you don't ask for help.
00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:48.480
You can live um, you know, in loneliness or just that feeling of overwhelm, or miss an opportunity that comes along because you're not ready for it because you still need the help but you haven't asked for it.
00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:59.519
I mean, what happened like for me, uh um my mom, a lot of stuff, I didn't get the stories of it, and I missed the opportunity forever because I won't ever get to get those stories.
00:13:59.519 --> 00:14:02.240
Um and so um don't do that.
00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:08.639
You know, share your share what's important about the stuff that you have and spend the time to be able to do that.
00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:10.240
Yeah, absolutely.
00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:18.559
Um you can be uh putting your health or your safety at risk if you're not asking for help and you're being you know stubborn at that.
00:14:18.559 --> 00:14:30.000
I've seen, you know, family members do that and just continue doing something that someone um else could do um with a lot less risk and would be happy to do for you.
00:14:30.399 --> 00:14:35.039
Yeah, moving heavy things, heavy boxes, getting up on ladders, you know, any kinds of those things.
00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:43.200
Just somebody else that's you know younger and more able can probably definitely do that easier and with less risk of injury.
00:14:43.519 --> 00:14:47.679
Yeah, pulling down decorations from addicts, things like that.
00:14:47.679 --> 00:14:56.799
Um or resentment if you are feeling like nobody helps me, my kids aren't helping me, and you're just feeling resentful.
00:14:56.799 --> 00:15:02.639
It may be just looking at yourself and making sure you've actually asked.
00:15:02.639 --> 00:15:02.960
Yeah.
00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:15.440
Because it is hard as um the adult kid to make assumptions and you know feel like you're crossing boundaries if you just start doing things that maybe weren't asked of you.
00:15:15.440 --> 00:15:20.799
That dynamic, uh that parent-child dynamic is tough to navigate sometimes.
00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:31.279
So if you're feeling like you wish you had more help, but people aren't offering to help, sometimes it honestly does have to start with a an ask.
00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:33.360
And and a specific ask.
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:41.679
I think that's the key is the more specific that you can get about it, um, the the easier it is for them to fulfill that for you.
00:15:41.679 --> 00:15:46.320
And I think what we hear um so much, the we hear these words.
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:47.840
My kids are busy.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:53.200
And um your kids are busy and they do have busy lives, and that's all true.
00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:58.879
But don't make the decision for them in that they don't necessarily want to help you.
00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:09.360
If it feels like they don't want to help you, and I'm not saying that some kids can't help you, I get that, but a lot of kids aren't helping because they don't know what to do specifically.
00:16:09.360 --> 00:16:09.840
Yeah.
00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:17.440
And so they they're like, I I want to help my mom, but I don't know what to do, and I don't want to, like you said, cross any boundaries or step over, you know, whatever.
00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:21.759
Um, and them and the parents at the same time are like, oh, I'm good, I don't need anything.
00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:30.879
And it's just this just miscommunication that's happening, and it turns into feeling like, oh, they don't want to help me, or my mom won't, you know, whatever.
00:16:30.879 --> 00:16:42.799
And it's not that, it's just that neither of you know what what it needs to be done specifically and and how to help each other and and how to ask and then how to do it.
00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:44.240
There's a huge difference.
00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:50.480
Yeah, there's a huge difference between saying, you know, I'm thinking about downsizing, can you help me sometime?
00:16:50.480 --> 00:16:56.320
Or I've been thinking about you know reducing the amount of stuff in the basement.
00:16:56.320 --> 00:17:03.519
Could you come over for two hours next Saturday and help me bring stuff upstairs to the donation center?
00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:08.319
Like those dynamics, one will never happen because it's too vague.
00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:12.640
And the other absolutely, you know, could happen.
00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:13.279
Could happen.
00:17:13.519 --> 00:17:14.319
Yeah, yes.
00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:20.960
So yeah, I think it's just um sometimes not asking because you feel like they're busy.
00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:29.359
Um, and so that's you just assuming that they're too busy to help you, but then sometimes people get bitter about that even when they haven't asked, right?
00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:34.160
Um and then not being specific about what it is that needs to be done.
00:17:34.160 --> 00:17:38.079
And you might not know every single thing that needs to be done, and that's okay.
00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:42.079
And it will reveal itself as you work towards it.
00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:46.720
So it just pick the thing that is the most glaring, obvious thing.
00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:52.960
I am sick of all that stuff on the dining room table because I just put it there as a place when I don't know what to do with it.
00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:54.960
I'm gonna clean off the dining room table.
00:17:54.960 --> 00:18:00.240
Do you have an hour or two on some speci you know, let me know the best time for you?
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:07.519
You I mean, you can say this weekend, or you can say whatever works in the next week, what you know, do you have two hours that you can come over and help me?
00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:09.119
Yeah, whatever that is.
00:18:09.119 --> 00:18:12.240
I need to sort my paperwork into stuff that I is important.
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:21.279
I need to clean off the dining room table, I need to move things from the basement, whatever it is, pick something specific and ask for it.
00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:25.759
Um, and then the next, you know, a couple weeks later it might be something else.
00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:28.559
And uh like I said, it will just start to reveal itself.
00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:33.680
You'll start to see it yourself and be like, oh, that that bugs me or that bugs me, and you'll get through it.
00:18:33.920 --> 00:19:22.659
Yeah, absolutely.
00:19:22.659 --> 00:19:27.859
There's ways to ask for help too that's more in line with like an accountability partner.
00:19:27.859 --> 00:19:34.420
Um, you can ask a friend, you know, hey, I'm really wanting to go through my photos.
00:19:34.420 --> 00:19:36.899
Do you want to come over for coffee once a week?
00:19:36.899 --> 00:19:39.460
And we'll both go through your photos.
00:19:39.460 --> 00:19:45.779
Yeah, whatever that looks like, there are ways to just have that moral support as help too.
00:19:45.779 --> 00:19:52.500
Um, you know, not always just pulling in somebody, it's just keeping on on track.
00:19:52.500 --> 00:19:58.420
Um, you know, I know Jody motivates me when we're texting, like I'm going to the donation center, are you?
00:19:58.420 --> 00:20:04.579
And it's you know, that kind of help um can really just get you through the process as well.
00:20:04.899 --> 00:20:12.420
Yeah, even if you're not doing it together, if you if somebody else that you know is wanting to go through that process too, you know, give each other a call.
00:20:12.420 --> 00:20:24.579
Okay, I'm gonna spend 30 minutes down, you know, I'm gonna take a picture and sh send it to you before and after, whatever, just some kind of accountability around it can help you even just make yourself get excited about it.
00:20:24.579 --> 00:20:28.339
So here's some here's some list of of breakdowns of what it is.
00:20:28.339 --> 00:20:41.460
So physical help, moving furniture, lifting b heavy boxes, you know, organizing closets, maybe that's the you know, you gotta send the grandkids over with their friends and and they're gonna load up a bunch of stuff, you know, because it's heavy and like they need to, you know, whatever.
00:20:41.460 --> 00:20:43.539
So physical help, emotional support.
00:20:43.539 --> 00:20:45.619
So you just need somebody to listen to your stories.
00:20:45.619 --> 00:20:50.420
You just need them to, you know, sit with you while you're going through it, listen to those stories.
00:20:50.420 --> 00:20:58.180
And uh a lot of times when you're trying to let things go, um, once you've told the story, it's easier to let it go.
00:20:58.180 --> 00:21:01.059
Um, I don't know, that's just a mental thing that happens.
00:21:01.059 --> 00:21:04.099
Um you'll notice it as you start to do it.
00:21:04.099 --> 00:21:09.619
Um and you'll realize in your head, I think, that the story is interesting but not interesting enough to keep it.
00:21:09.619 --> 00:21:17.619
Or it's not like, you know, it's not something that you love so much that once you've told that story, you're like, oh, and because I told that story, I need it.
00:21:17.619 --> 00:21:20.819
Now it's like I told that story and it can go.
00:21:21.379 --> 00:21:25.059
They didn't even glance up or laugh or smile, not that great of a story.
00:21:25.379 --> 00:21:37.059
But you didn't feel that connected to it when the story came out, and so that I think that's helps you uh let it go because it has a story, but this the story's been told and it's okay to let it go now.
00:21:37.059 --> 00:21:37.619
Yeah.
00:21:37.619 --> 00:21:39.379
Um decision making.
00:21:39.379 --> 00:21:46.659
So um you somebody that can help you with decision making, um, help you sort priorities of pros and cons and whatever.
00:21:46.659 --> 00:21:48.500
Be careful with the person you pick with this.
00:21:48.500 --> 00:21:52.180
You don't want to pick the person who's super sentimental and wants to keep everything.
00:21:52.180 --> 00:22:12.420
Um, and if you don't have the right person uh in your life for this, you absolutely can hire that person, a professional organizer, a move manager, somebody that can help you without having their own sentimental attachment to your stuff, um, but still who understands that they need to give you that um respect for your things.
00:22:12.420 --> 00:22:14.740
Um, you know, it's not just junk, right?
00:22:14.740 --> 00:22:20.259
Um so somebody who can help you with a different lens that they look through things.
00:22:20.579 --> 00:22:47.220
Yeah, we had a client recently that had done so much over the past year of sorting their things and making decisions, and they hired um an organizing company for it was only like half a day, so it wasn't um you know, huge, they were handling everything, and that was just the help she needed to get over that final stage of like, I've done the things that were easy, I've done the things.
00:22:47.220 --> 00:23:01.139
That made sense and I knew what to do with, and now I'm left with this last bit that I'm either struggling making those last decisions on, or it's you know, more oddball stuff.
00:23:01.139 --> 00:23:04.180
I don't even know what to do with it if I don't want it.
00:23:04.180 --> 00:23:10.819
Um, and that help that she asked for was got them over the finish line for their move.
00:23:10.819 --> 00:23:14.180
Um, so it doesn't need to be an all or nothing.
00:23:14.180 --> 00:23:26.899
Um, you know, there's levels of I can do it myself to this point, and then I need to ask help either from a professional or family member to get through to the end.
00:23:27.139 --> 00:23:27.539
Yeah.
00:23:27.539 --> 00:23:29.539
And then the last one is logistical help.
00:23:29.539 --> 00:23:31.059
And some of this isn't even about moving.
00:23:31.059 --> 00:23:36.899
Maybe you need rides to appointments, maybe you need some tech help, um, maybe you need help navigating your paperwork.
00:23:36.899 --> 00:23:43.940
And maybe you have somebody in your family who's super great at paperwork and can do that, and maybe you don't, and then you can definitely hire people that can help you.
00:23:44.420 --> 00:23:59.700
Yeah, one of our earliest episodes with Mark Healy on the driving and senior driving, uh, he gave such great advice on you know how the help needs to be specifically asked for in order for a plan to work.
00:23:59.700 --> 00:24:13.779
On and that goes back to this logistical, not just like, okay, I can't drive anymore, but like, okay, here's the things I specifically want to get to, here's when they are, can we make a schedule for that?
00:24:13.779 --> 00:24:16.259
And then you get the help you need.
00:24:16.259 --> 00:24:25.940
Everybody is glad that you are still getting to what you need to get to, uh, but it's not just um mix of resentment and like how do I help?
00:24:25.940 --> 00:24:26.899
What do you need?
00:24:26.899 --> 00:24:33.700
Um it can really be better with some clear um definition of what help is needed.
00:24:34.099 --> 00:24:34.500
For sure.
00:24:34.500 --> 00:24:40.099
So physical, emotional decision making, um, professional guidance if you need it, and logistical help.
00:24:40.099 --> 00:24:45.379
Those are your kind of buckets, and so think about who fits in those buckets for you.
00:24:45.379 --> 00:24:48.659
You know, who can help physically physical stuff, who can help with emotional stuff.
00:24:48.659 --> 00:24:56.019
So kind of think about those people and maybe write down some names of people that you might be able to ask for help in different areas.
00:24:56.019 --> 00:24:58.500
It may not be the same people for each thing, right?
00:24:58.500 --> 00:25:02.099
So you don't have to go to the same one person every time.
00:25:02.099 --> 00:25:03.779
Um, so who is that?
00:25:03.779 --> 00:25:11.539
Um so as as silly as it sounds, I think we are so bad at asking for help, we might actually need some words, right?
00:25:11.539 --> 00:25:14.579
Some some scripts of how how to do that.
00:25:14.579 --> 00:25:23.460
And so um using phrases like, you know, would you be open to, or I'd really like your help with, or hey, could I run something by you?
00:25:23.460 --> 00:25:35.779
Would you be able to, you know, whatever, yeah, um kind of soften it, like not like, hey, I need you to help me do this, like, you know, more you know, as as much of a um demand.
00:25:36.339 --> 00:25:41.379
Can I get your advice on, you know, yeah, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.
00:25:41.539 --> 00:25:48.659
You know, could we could we grab coffee and just you know, go through a few of my pictures or you know, whatever that is.
00:25:48.659 --> 00:25:56.980
Like, um, so and and think about the people in your life, the ones that are really organized because they love to be organized.
00:25:56.980 --> 00:26:00.980
Like those are the kind of people who would be like that's fun to them, right?
00:26:00.980 --> 00:26:07.139
It's fun, it's not like you're asking them something that's so out of their wheel, you know, wheelhouse.
00:26:07.220 --> 00:26:24.259
They love that or seeing someone that's successfully gone through whatever you're needing help with, if it's downsizing, you know, your friends that have already done all of that, what worked for them, what what didn't, what help did they get that you might not know about?
00:26:24.259 --> 00:26:37.779
Um, you know, just noticing um that your neighbor might be great in their garden and helping you with something in your yard might just be an extension of what they already love to do.
00:26:37.779 --> 00:26:40.420
You know, they're not gonna be fish out of water.
00:26:40.420 --> 00:26:45.460
They're just like, Yeah, I will absolutely, you know, trim your bushes when I'm doing mine.
00:26:46.019 --> 00:26:47.220
Yeah, they probably can't wait to do that.
00:26:47.220 --> 00:26:50.019
They've probably been looking over there and going, I wish I could go trim their bushes.
00:26:50.659 --> 00:26:51.299
Oh my gosh.
00:26:51.299 --> 00:27:03.779
I had a neighbor years years back, and you know, I was a single mom dealing with, you know, my house and the yard and uh busy life at the time, and it was overwhelming.
00:27:03.779 --> 00:27:06.420
And um, you know, I didn't have the right tools.
00:27:06.420 --> 00:27:33.059
We had a lot of trees in our neighborhood, and I, you know, have my rake, and it would take me hours and hours if I was gonna rake all these leaves, and he would just quietly bring his little ride-on thing with the trailer that scooped up all the leaves, and he would just wave at me as I'm out there raking, and he would just buzz around and do my whole yard around me, you know, in a half hour where it would take me, you know, a whole day.
00:27:33.059 --> 00:27:36.420
And you know, people love to help like that.
00:27:36.420 --> 00:27:45.460
And um, you know, he he would do that, and um, I knew I could count on him for those type of things that were easier for him than they were for me.
00:27:45.460 --> 00:27:51.779
And what a gift because it wasn't my skill set and my tools, and didn't have the things.
00:27:51.779 --> 00:28:03.940
So there's lots of people in your life where something you're feeling overwhelmed by is easy because of their talents, because of resources they have, whatever it is.
00:28:03.940 --> 00:28:11.859
Try to connect with those people and it will be a joy for them to make something that's simple for them, simple for you too.
00:28:12.259 --> 00:28:13.619
Yeah, yes, for sure.
00:28:13.619 --> 00:28:16.740
Yeah, so don't be afraid to ask for those things.
00:28:16.740 --> 00:28:21.220
Um because remember, letting them help you is a gift, right?
00:28:21.220 --> 00:28:22.899
Yeah, yes.
00:28:23.220 --> 00:28:27.940
Yeah, and I mean keep in mind people don't know what you need unless you tell them.
00:28:27.940 --> 00:28:28.339
Right.
00:28:28.339 --> 00:28:36.339
Um, and I think we see a lot of people that you know do put up that wall of I'm fine, it's all fine.
00:28:36.339 --> 00:28:43.619
And maybe it's them not wanting to fully look behind the curtain themselves and see how things have changed.
00:28:43.619 --> 00:28:50.740
And certainly we have just been talking about how hard it is to ask for help even when you know you need it.
00:28:50.740 --> 00:28:53.779
Um but but people don't know unless you ask.
00:28:53.779 --> 00:28:55.539
So we can only encourage it.
00:28:55.700 --> 00:29:05.940
And I think the people who look so capable are the ones that don't get the help because they it just seems like, oh, they're okay, like I don't have to, you know, uh help them.
00:29:05.940 --> 00:29:09.539
But uh but they still might need it, like they still might need those things.
00:29:09.539 --> 00:29:13.299
So um again, just be really specific in the beginning.
00:29:13.299 --> 00:29:18.659
A global like I need help just feels big and like okay, but I don't know what to do for you.
00:29:18.659 --> 00:29:26.819
I think that's like when somebody something has happened to somebody um uh uh that's tragic or you know, like some kind of a bad thing.
00:29:26.819 --> 00:29:31.539
It when people are like, Oh, just let me know what you need, uh like you don't you don't know.
00:29:31.539 --> 00:29:34.099
Yeah, you know, they don't know how to help you.
00:29:34.099 --> 00:29:38.740
But if they say something specific like, hey, I'm gonna bring you a meal on Thursday, okay?
00:29:38.740 --> 00:29:43.299
Um, and then you know, that's that's so clear and easy.
00:29:43.299 --> 00:29:48.339
So you need to make it that clear and easy when you're asking for help um of what it is.
00:29:48.339 --> 00:29:53.859
It needs to be very like, hey, I need um some help going through my clothes in my closet.
00:29:54.180 --> 00:29:55.859
Yeah, or take them up on that.
00:29:55.859 --> 00:29:57.139
Let me know what you need.
00:29:57.139 --> 00:30:05.460
I mean they they're saying they truly do want to help you, yeah, but they don't know how to chunk that down from the outside.
00:30:05.460 --> 00:30:09.379
So just you know, take people up on that.
00:30:09.379 --> 00:30:16.259
What yep, here is one thing that would really absolutely be amazing if you did this for me.
00:30:16.579 --> 00:30:34.740
And I think you'll find joy from it, and they'll find joy from it, and it will be a connection um in your life that feels so good, so um it feels so much better than being so independent and trying to, you know, get over the overwhelm um by yourself and stop feeling like you need to, like it's not a weakness.
00:30:35.059 --> 00:31:00.259
I think in in you know, going through notes for this, I've thought back on times when I've said those same words to someone, um, you know, let me know what you need, and someone's going through something big and you know that, and you you know, I'm like, I really did want to help, but I didn't know what to do, and I probably felt like I just trailed off and didn't keep checking in or whatever.
00:31:00.259 --> 00:31:10.980
But um, you know, if that communication just breaks down a little bit more into thank you so much, I'll I'll get back to you next week, and here's what I do need.
00:31:10.980 --> 00:31:14.579
Um you know, there's joy on both sides.
00:31:14.819 --> 00:31:15.139
Yeah.
00:31:15.139 --> 00:31:16.579
And make yourself a list.
00:31:16.579 --> 00:31:22.259
Um, just go right now, make yourself a list of like the five things that bug you the most about about what's going on in your house.
00:31:22.259 --> 00:31:48.740
You know, like I can't stand walking by that pile of whatever, or I can't stand, you know, there's these heavy books and I can't move them, or you know, whatever it is, like just make yourself a little list and then see who you think in your life would be um the one that could help you get that off your mind because it's so heavy that that anxiety that that creates when you feel like you should be doing something and you can't physically do it or you haven't made yourself do it.
00:31:48.740 --> 00:31:54.259
Um, there is so much um weight to that in your mind that you aren't even thinking about.
00:31:54.579 --> 00:31:56.259
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
00:31:56.259 --> 00:31:58.579
So a little mini challenge.
00:31:58.579 --> 00:32:02.339
Um ask for one thing this week, big or small.
00:32:02.339 --> 00:32:07.619
Um, just practice because we know with anything, practice makes it easier.
00:32:07.619 --> 00:32:14.899
The first time you go out on a limb and ask for help, it might feel uncomfortable, uh, but it gets easier.
00:32:14.899 --> 00:32:22.180
And even if you're met with the reaction, you know, not with the reaction you wanted, and that doesn't ask again.
00:32:22.180 --> 00:32:25.059
Just get over that hump, uh, get used to it.
00:32:25.059 --> 00:32:28.740
There's so many people that would love to help you.
00:32:28.740 --> 00:32:37.779
Um, if you need anything from us, resources, ideas, strategies on how to move forward, please reach out to us for that ask.
00:32:37.779 --> 00:32:40.339
Uh, downsizingroadmap.com.
00:32:40.339 --> 00:32:41.700
We are there.
00:32:41.700 --> 00:32:44.420
Uh, you can reach out to us by email.
00:32:44.420 --> 00:32:57.059
You can come in through our downsizingroadmap.com backslash help if there's anything specific that you need, or just start with our free guide, uh, downsizingroadmap.com backslash guide.
00:32:57.059 --> 00:33:03.220
All of those options um if if you need to practice on us, yeah, us, just ask us for help.
00:33:03.539 --> 00:33:06.259
Yeah, just um we if we told you a lot of things.
00:33:06.259 --> 00:33:08.099
Go to downsizingroadmap.com.
00:33:08.099 --> 00:33:20.819
All of that stuff is there on our website, and we also have a uh little Facebook group where everybody that's going through this can go in there and join and um ask questions and kind of help each other.
00:33:20.819 --> 00:33:22.740
Um, so you can join that as well.
00:33:22.740 --> 00:33:25.220
So uh downsizingroadmap.com has all of that.
00:33:25.220 --> 00:33:27.940
All of that right on the home page right on the homepage.
00:33:27.940 --> 00:33:31.220
So we would love to connect with you um outside the podcast.
00:33:31.220 --> 00:33:33.779
So um go ask for some help today.
00:33:33.940 --> 00:33:36.740
Yeah, and we will be back next week with some more advice.
00:33:36.740 --> 00:33:37.539
Bye-bye.
00:33:37.539 --> 00:33:41.700
Thanks for joining us on the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast.
00:33:41.700 --> 00:33:50.180
If you found this episode helpful, be sure to subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with someone who might need a little downsizing inspiration.
00:33:50.180 --> 00:33:58.899
Have questions or ideas for future episodes, reach out to us on our website, www.downsizingroadmap.com.
00:33:58.899 --> 00:34:02.740
Until next time, let's keep simplifying and moving forward.
