WEBVTT
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Hey, want to skip those ads and get early access
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and bonus episodes of all Banana for Scale shows? Hop
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on over to truestory.fm and discover all the cool perks
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that come with being a member of the Banana for
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Scale family. Coming up on The Devil's Details, Letters from
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the Earth by Mark Twain. Letter 7. Noah and his
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family get hooked. Good morning, Star, and welcome to another
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episode of The Devil's Details, a show where we dig up, decipher, dissect,
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and deconstruct the many forms of the devil. One of
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my names is Lester Ryan Clark.
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And I sometimes go by Kenan Dias.
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And we're just two lost souls hitchhiking down the highway
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to hell. Only lately this highway has become flooded, and
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we've hitched a ride on this ark. We've got to
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be real sneaky, though, because we're not actually allowed to
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be on here.
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I just saw a Renaissance painting as we were doing research,
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and And I thought it was of people hanging onto
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the side of the ark in the middle of the ocean.
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And I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. But
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it was actually of mermaids visiting them. Oh. So I
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don't know which one is weirder.
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Well, I mean, yeah, you know.
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Well, because I was like, why are these, okay, I
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get why these people are hanging off the side. That's great.
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Why are they naked? No, no, no, they're mermaids. Mermaids.
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Got it, got it.
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Got it.
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Yeah, I love the Venn diagram that is like the
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old mythological creatures and modern Christianity just kind of like,
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melding and creating, you know, these weird instances in history
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and art and stuff like that.
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Right. I just posted this in the doc if you
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want to look at this.
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Oh my god, you're right.
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I just noticed this. So yeah, so I was like, yeah,
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they're trying to get on the ark, but no, no,
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they're mermaids visiting.
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Yeah.
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But look who they got with them at the bottom.
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I just noticed this.
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Is that a mer-dog?
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It's our little mer-dog.
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Aww. It's a little mer-pup, guys.
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I've never seen a mer-pup. Aww.
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That is so adorable. There are no mer-cats because those
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are all in Africa.
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That's right. Eden bugs. Yes. Eden grubs. Eden grubs.
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And they're all played by Nathan Lane. And I love
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in this painting, the cat is just like on the
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side of the ark and it's just like, I don't
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give a fuck. I'm a cat.
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Yeah, just hanging off on the rail. Yeah, he could
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fall into the ocean at any time.
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And it's like... Nah, they can take care of themselves.
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Yeah.
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Ah, it's lovely.
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Lovely. All right.
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This is a little merp up.
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I've never even conceived of such a thing. No.
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But yeah, folks, that's where we are in this thing.
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We are seabound, I guess.
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Seaworthy?
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No, seaworthy is the thing that makes you able to
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be on the sea.
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Right, seaworthy. Sure. But we are on the sea.
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And this is letter seven. and Satan is relating the
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tale of Noah and his ark back to Michael and Gabriel.
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And he begins, Noah and his family were saved, if
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that could be called an advantage. I throw in the
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if for the reason that there has never been an
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intelligent person of the age of 60 who would consent
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to live his life over again, his or anyone else's.
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The family were saved, yes, but they were not comfortable,
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for they were full of microbes. full to the eyebrows,
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fat with them, obese with them, distended like balloons. It
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was a disagreeable condition, but it could not be helped,
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because enough microbes had to be saved to supply the
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future races of men with desolating diseases. And there were
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but eight persons on board to serve as hotels for them.
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The microbes were by far the most important part of
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the Ark's cargo, and the part the Creator was most
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anxious about and most infatuated with. They had to have
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good nourishment and pleasant accommodations. There were typhoid germs and
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cholera germs and hydrophobia germs and lockjaw germs and consumption
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germs and black plague germs and some hundreds of other aristocrats,
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especially precious creations, golden bearers of God's love to man,
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blessed gifts of the infatuated father to his children, all
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of which had to be sumptuously housed and richly entertained.
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These were located in the choicest places the interiors of
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the family could furnish, in the lungs, in the heart,
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in the brain, in the kidneys, in the blood, in
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the guts particularly. The great intestine was the favorite resort.
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There they gathered by countless billions and worked and fed
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and squirmed and sang hymns of praise and thanksgiving. And
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at night, when it was quiet, you could hear the
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soft murmur of it. The large intestine was in fact
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their heaven. They stuffed it solid. They made it as
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rigid as a coil of gas pipe. They took pride
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in this. Their principal hymn made gratified reference to it. Constipation,
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oh constipation, the joyful sound proclaim. Till man's remotest entrail
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shall praise its maker's name.
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Okay.
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I'm going to go out on a limb here and
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say that Twain is the very first person to account
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for all of the microbiology on the ark.
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Now, that is so funny. All the diseases that had
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to be saved, because, yeah, like, again, this is from
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the previous chapters, but God is saving all of these
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things for the future, and he must have, he killed
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all the wickedness out of man, but he must have
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made room on the ark for disease, right?
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Because otherwise we wouldn't have disease today.
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We wouldn't have disease, right? Now that we understand what
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Noah didn't understand, which is that disease comes from germs, right?
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Yeah.
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But then he goes even further and has them, like,
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praising God for their saving, and giving them little churches.
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So we are hotels, which he says, for the diseases,
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but we also are- Noah and his family, yeah. Yeah,
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we're cathedrals for the diseases, which is so funny.
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And singing hymns of praise within our.
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Bowels, right? Actually, I don't know if you know this,
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and I think this freaks people out, but that's part
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of what I'm trying to talk about is like- There
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are animals that live in your hair, you know, like
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your eyelashes. You're aware of that.
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Yes, yes.
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Okay, sorry at home if this is how you're discovering it. Yeah.
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Which I think is cool and cute. Like, I think
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you have to be taught or you have to like
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approach it from the standpoint that they're there to help you.
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They literally are your friends. They're eating all the dead
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skin in there. And like, I could totally see why
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that creeps people out. But I've also, what helped me
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with seeing like electron microscopes like, footage of them, and
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it just looks, when you're at that close, it just
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looks like a little bear in a cave, you know?
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Yes, yes. They're cute little, they're cute little, oh, like,
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they're even called some, oh, no, I'm thinking of a tardigrade,
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that's not the same thing.
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Oh, yeah, the water bear, yeah. They're even smaller, right,
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so I think mites, our eyelash mites might have tardigrades
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on them. Water bears, yeah.
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Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, like, I don't know, like,
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it's something that's so... That we're so unaware of that
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I'm fine with it.
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Yeah, yeah.
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It's the same, like when I eat steak, I don't,
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you know, it's so far removed from the animal. I'm
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just like, meh, you know.
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Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, you can't feel the mites
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in your eyelash holes or anything like that. And they
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are your buddies. They are helping you.
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And I imagine you would feel it if they were, like, gone.
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Oh, that's true. Yeah, you'd get all sorts of weird, yeah, weird.
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Diseases and stuff like that.
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Yeah, too much eyelash... trash. Yeah, that's true.
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Yeah, your eyelashes would probably hurt and get infected and
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stuff like that.
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That's a really good point, yes. They are our buddies.
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Yeah, yeah. It's the, I mean, what do they say? Like,
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you know, when you're eating yogurt, you're eating, like, a
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good bacteria. Right? There was a, yeah, my favorite stand-up comedian,
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Dara O'Brien, what did he say? He's like, what happens
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if you pour Dettol into a Yakult? Which I didn't
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know what either of those were. I think that's a soap.
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It's like a European soap or disinfectant that's supposed to
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kill like 99% of germs. And Yakult is a brand
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of yogurt.
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Okay.
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So now it makes sense with the European culture provided.
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But he's like, is there just one good bacteria at
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the bottom just saying, thank you for saving me? Yeah.
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Singing praises to the Lord as we have here.
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But yeah. So I mean, yeah. Good bacteria. We've got
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in abundance and they're just like all over. I don't know.
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In that same way, I was fascinated by that jellyfish,
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the Portuguese man o' war, which apparently isn't one jellyfish.
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It's like a colony. It's like it's like a universe
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of like a whole bunch of different animals kind of
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like all living simultaneously together.
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Right.
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You know, and you think of that, it's like, well,
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how could like because we see it as like one animal,
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but it's not right. And it's like, oh, well, that's
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what we are. We got our little eyelash bugs and
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we got our little intestine bugs.
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Oh, right. We, our bodies are colonies for these other
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billions of microbes on us. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
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Yeah.
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The majority of the cells in your body aren't human cells.
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They're other cells, other little buggies.
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And they're nice and they're our friends.
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Yeah. Right. And they sing our praises. Yeah, the atheist
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ones nowadays, yeah, sing our praises. Right. The way we
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would talk about Mother Earth and protecting Mother Earth. Mother
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Lester and Mother Kenan. Yeah.
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And they go to little Kenan and Lester art galleries
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and they throw paint on the priceless artifacts to try
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to protest the pollution of Lester and Kenan.
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Right. Right.
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And some of the microbes are like, well, that's a,
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you know, that's going a little bit too far. You
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didn't need to do that. It's like, you know.
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I see their point though. Yeah. Because Lester warming is
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the great crisis of their time. It is.
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Yes. And we need to do something about it. But
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I mean, you know, that was the Mona Lester.
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Okay.
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So constipation, oh, constipation. Right.
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And he gives it a hymn specifically. Like they are
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singing little religious hymns in there. Yeah.
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Right. And he continues, he says, the discomforts furnished by
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the Ark were many and various. The family had to
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live right in the presence of the multitudinous animals and
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breathe the distressing stench they make and be deafened by
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and be deafened day and night with the thundercrash of
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noise their roarings and screechings produced. And in addition to
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these intolerable discomforts, it was a peculiarly. Jesus. It was
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a peculiar peculiarly. It was a peculiarly. Was that correct?
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No. Okay.
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It was a.
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Very. What? It was very.
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I know.
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It was a very.
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But I have to read it. I have to be
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loyal to the text. It was a peculiarly. It was
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a peculiarly. Jesus Christ. Microbes, help me out. Tongue microbes.
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It was a peculiarly. Peculiarly.
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Peculiarly.
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Peculiarly. It was a peculiarly trying place for the ladies.
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Yeah.
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He goes to great extents to talk about how much
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God loves the flies and the pests and the microbes.
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Yeah. It was like 68,000 different species of them or
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something that we had before. Yeah. Just flies. Not even
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the worms we're talking about here. Yeah. The buggies. Yeah.
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All right. Here's a Twainism for our next paragraph. By
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and by.
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Very. Yeah.
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The other animals would be distributed here and there about
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the earth. Scattered.
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Scattered.
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The tigers to India, the lions and the elephants to
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the vacant desert and the secret places of the jungle,
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the birds to the boundless regions of empty space, the
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insects to one or another climate, according to nature and requirement.
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But the fly, he is of no nationality. All the
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climates are his home. All the globe is his province.
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All creatures that breathe are his prey. And unto them all,
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he is a scourge and a hell. To man, he
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is a divine ambassador, a minister, plenipotentiary, plenipotentiary yeah.
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Let me look it up okay.
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A minister plenipotentiary okay i said it now what does
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it mean.
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That is uh okay uh it it means i don't
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understand what he's saying here so uh this is from
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miriam webster um it is of or invested with full
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power like a diplomat.
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Okay so so So he says he's a divine ambassador.
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So like the highest of high ambassadors, diplomats. All right.
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Great.
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Of God.
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Yeah. So this is the fly. The fly is the
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highest ambassador, diplomat, minister of the creator. Right.
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The creators. And as Twain says, the creator's special representative.
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He infests him in his cradle, clings in bunches to
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his gummy eyelids, buzzes and bites and harries him, robbing
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him of his sleep and his weary mother of her
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strength in those long vigils which she devotes to protecting
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her child from this pest's persecutions. The fly harries the
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sick man in his home, in the hospital, even on
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his deathbed at his last gasp. Pastures him at his meals.
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previously hunts up patients suffering from loathsome and deadly diseases,
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wades in their sores, goms its legs with a million
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death-dealing germs, then comes to that healthy man's table and
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wipes these things off on the butter and discharges a
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bowel load of typhoid germs and excrement on his batter cakes.
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The housefly wrecks more human constitutions and destroys more human
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lives than all God's multitude of misery messengers and death
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agents put together. Damn, Twain!
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Okay, so that's why they are the great ambassador, because
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he's saying that God's main purpose is to.
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Deal death and suffering.
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Deal death and suffering. Yeah, all the things that man
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is befallen with. Yeah. That's God.
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Yeah. So it sounds like he has made the fly
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in his image, according to this religion.
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Right, that's a good point, right. Yeah.
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So then Satan mentions Noah's oldest son, Shem. Shem was
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full of hookworms. It is wonderful, the thorough and comprehensive
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study which the Creator devoted to the great work of
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making man miserable. I have said he devised a special
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affliction agent for each and every detail of man's structure,
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overlooking not a single one. And I said the truth.
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Many poor people have to go barefoot. Because they cannot
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afford shoes, the Creator saw his opportunity. I will remark
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in passing that he always has his eye on the poor.
300
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Nine-tenths of his disease inventions were intended for the poor.
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And they get them. The well-to-do get only what is
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left over. Do not suspect me of speaking unheedfully, for
303
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it is not so. The vast bulk of the Creator's
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affliction inventions are specially designed for the persecution of the poor.
305
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You could guess this by the fact that one of
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the pulpit's finest and commonest names for the Creator is
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the Friend of the Poor. Under no circumstances does the
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pulpit ever pay the Creator a compliment that has a
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00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:33.740
vestige of truth in it. The poor's most implacable and
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00:15:33.860 --> 00:15:37.259
unwearying enemy is their Father in Heaven. The poor's only
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real friend is their fellow man. He is sorry for them,
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he pities them, and he shows it by his deeds—
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He does much to relieve their distresses, and in every case,
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their father in heaven gets the credit of it. Hmm. Whew.
315
00:15:49.669 --> 00:15:50.169
Okay.
316
00:15:51.909 --> 00:15:55.090
I mean, we are getting... Like, Twain is finally getting...
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Say what you want to say, Twain!
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He said a couple times so far in the other
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letters that God does not answer prayers and will not
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answer prayers, and that's interesting enough. Even that, you know,
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00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:09.220
is shocking, even to me as an atheist, right? For
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00:16:09.240 --> 00:16:11.820
someone to say that. But then to say that basically the...
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primary interaction that people have with god is through disease
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and death there's some logic there um yeah but he's
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saying in quite a quite a mean terrible way.
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And and he gives special attention to the poor and downtrodden.
327
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Right right right right and then um this is this
328
00:16:27.370 --> 00:16:30.649
is so mean and the way he says tongue-in-cheekedly right
329
00:16:30.669 --> 00:16:32.879
like they get 90 or whatever and then the 10
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percent is, is left over for the rich, like totally
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just inverting how we would normally describe it. Like the
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00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:40.039
rich get 90% of the land or 90% of the money.
333
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And then whatever's left over is spilled over to the rest.
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And he converts it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
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And of course, like, you know, we, from, from Twain's
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00:16:46.789 --> 00:16:49.850
other works, we know him to be a, a kindhearted
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person who, who desires justice. Like this is, this is
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00:16:53.230 --> 00:16:58.470
him being bitter and sarcastic. Um, and, and, and, and
339
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taking a jab at the way religious people try to
340
00:17:00.970 --> 00:17:04.680
explain away, um, all the atrocities of the world, who's like, oh,
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God has a plan and God's love and da-da-da-da, right?
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Right, and even the men who give other men sucker,
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like the ones who, okay, there's a huge disaster, and then, oh,
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I've taken you in or I've given you money, and
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they say, oh, thank God for that, rather than, you know,
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thank humans.
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Right, oh, thank you for that.
348
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Right, thank you for that.
349
00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:21.299
Right, right. And the whole, just like, you know, it's
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like priests saying, it's like, well, God loves everyone. And
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so here's Twain's Satan saying, oh, yeah, yeah, he loves everyone.
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He loves everyone so much that he gave us hookworms
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and microbes and all of this stuff, yeah. And he
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especially loves the poor. So we see what you're doing, Dwayne.
355
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But even today, it's a little bit like you kind
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of smile and you laugh, but you're also like, oh, God,
357
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that's so real. Yeah.
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You're not supposed to say that, even in 2026. Even
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atheists are like, oh, geez, Dwayne.
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But yeah. But he continues. He says, just so with diseases. Hmm.
361
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Hmm.
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The first thing the delighted pulpit does is to advertise
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it as God's work and invite the people to get
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down on their knees and pour out their thanks to
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him for it. And the pulpit says with admiring emotion,
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let tyrants understand that the eye that never sleeps is
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upon them. And let them remember that the Lord our
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God will not always be patient, but will loose the
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whirlwinds of his wrath upon them in his appointed day.
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They forget to mention that he is the slowest mover
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in the universe. that his eye that never sleeps might
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as well, since it takes it a century to see
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what the other eye would see in a week. That
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in all history, there is not an instance where he
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thought of a noble deed first, but always thought of
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it just a little after somebody else had the thought
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of it and done it. He arrives then and annexes
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the dividend. So all of the good will and good
379
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ideas of God were actually thought by man first, and
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God takes the credit.
381
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Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think that rings true to me about, say,
382
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punishing the wicked, which, again, he's not quite saying this,
383
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but in Noah's time, like, okay, we're going to drown
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all these children who are not wicked, but it's because
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their forefathers are wicked, and that's how slow God is
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to react to these things.
387
00:19:32.680 --> 00:19:36.369
Yeah, yeah. Have you heard of the orphan crushing machine?
388
00:19:37.700 --> 00:19:41.569
Oh, should we invest? Get it on the ground floor?
389
00:19:41.589 --> 00:19:42.109
No. No.
390
00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:45.599
What is the Orphan Crushing Machine?
391
00:19:45.980 --> 00:19:49.549
Okay, so this is a, it's a thought, I don't
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00:19:49.569 --> 00:19:53.029
know if you call it a thought experiment or just
393
00:19:53.529 --> 00:19:57.380
maybe an idiom or whatever. But it's– people bring it
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up whenever they– whenever you have one of those, like,
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00:20:00.980 --> 00:20:05.690
feel-good stories about a kid who– paid for their cancer
396
00:20:05.710 --> 00:20:08.589
treatment by you know by selling lemonade or by you
397
00:20:08.609 --> 00:20:10.930
know doing you know or like it's like oh we
398
00:20:11.210 --> 00:20:16.279
you know um um i i i've been making this
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00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:18.400
art and uh and and through this i've been able
400
00:20:18.420 --> 00:20:21.000
to raise awareness and and little timmy gets you know
401
00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:23.279
is able to uh get his treatment or or whatever
402
00:20:23.420 --> 00:20:25.900
or um you know we we we raised enough money
403
00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:29.670
uh by doing this quaint little thing So that so
404
00:20:29.710 --> 00:20:32.089
that little Timmy beat cancer because, you know, he was
405
00:20:32.130 --> 00:20:35.009
able to afford the treatment and beat cancer.
406
00:20:35.049 --> 00:20:35.349
Right.
407
00:20:35.410 --> 00:20:39.170
Or or we did, you know, like like this, this
408
00:20:39.579 --> 00:20:43.400
quirky little funny Internet meme. And it was enough to
409
00:20:43.559 --> 00:20:45.559
raise money to get mosquito nets for, you know, the
410
00:20:45.579 --> 00:20:48.420
people down in that one country who were being plagued
411
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by mosquitoes. And all they literally needed was. mosquito nets
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to save billions of lives. And isn't that great? And
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00:20:53.930 --> 00:20:55.329
look at this meme and stuff like that.
414
00:20:56.009 --> 00:20:59.329
Michael's wife was dying of a disease and he was
415
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out of sick days and his co-workers pulled their sick
416
00:21:02.059 --> 00:21:03.519
days together and gave them to him.
417
00:21:03.619 --> 00:21:08.740
Yes, that's exactly it, right? And these stories get so
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00:21:08.779 --> 00:21:12.019
many likes and so many shares and so many reposts
419
00:21:12.400 --> 00:21:16.200
and all of that all over the internet. And nobody
420
00:21:16.220 --> 00:21:20.410
ever Nobody in the comments says anything like, hey, isn't
421
00:21:20.430 --> 00:21:22.329
it kind of fucked up that.
422
00:21:22.230 --> 00:21:23.869
We have to do that.
423
00:21:24.269 --> 00:21:26.589
In order for kids to get cancer treatment? Isn't it
424
00:21:26.650 --> 00:21:29.829
kind of fucked up that we don't just pay for
425
00:21:29.849 --> 00:21:33.329
the fucking mosquito nets? And, you know, and like they're
426
00:21:33.349 --> 00:21:35.569
comparing it to it's like, isn't it great that Timmy
427
00:21:35.970 --> 00:21:40.180
was was given a reprieve from the orphan crushing machine?
428
00:21:41.509 --> 00:21:44.210
Isn't that great? And it's like, why don't we dismantle
429
00:21:44.250 --> 00:21:47.170
the orphan crushing machine? Let's get rid of that.
430
00:21:47.549 --> 00:21:50.369
But what about the shareholders? What about my investment?
431
00:21:51.490 --> 00:21:55.390
What about the flies and the microbes? Yeah, but every
432
00:21:55.410 --> 00:21:57.950
time I see one of those things, I'm happy for
433
00:21:57.970 --> 00:22:00.599
the individual and their family. I'm like, great. Thank God.
434
00:22:00.799 --> 00:22:03.940
But then here's Twain saying, why are we thanking God?
435
00:22:03.980 --> 00:22:08.470
Let's fix the fucking problem. And not just be like, Oh,
436
00:22:08.509 --> 00:22:12.630
if you pray to God enough, then little Timmy will
437
00:22:13.210 --> 00:22:15.690
randomly be chosen not to get crushed in the orphan
438
00:22:15.710 --> 00:22:16.170
crushing machine.
439
00:22:16.609 --> 00:22:20.849
Right, right. This celebrity died and she left her children
440
00:22:20.910 --> 00:22:23.049
in terrible debt. And so we do a GoFundMe and
441
00:22:23.069 --> 00:22:26.579
we give the children money. And yeah, why do we
442
00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:29.000
allow that to happen to begin with? Yeah. Yeah. Why
443
00:22:29.019 --> 00:22:30.980
don't we just fix it so that child actors don't
444
00:22:31.019 --> 00:22:34.619
grow up into poverty and leave their children with nothing? Yeah.
445
00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:39.930
This little girl was going to school every day and
446
00:22:39.990 --> 00:22:41.869
she didn't have enough money for lunch because her family
447
00:22:41.890 --> 00:22:43.849
didn't have enough money for lunch. And so, oh, isn't
448
00:22:43.890 --> 00:22:46.690
it sweet? Isn't it cute? All of her classmates, you know,
449
00:22:46.730 --> 00:22:49.349
pitched in together and they made her, you know, like
450
00:22:51.589 --> 00:22:53.549
a feast for her birthday.
451
00:22:53.569 --> 00:22:54.319
Great. Awesome.
452
00:22:54.539 --> 00:22:57.400
How about she be able to eat for free every
453
00:22:57.420 --> 00:22:57.839
fucking day?
454
00:22:58.299 --> 00:22:58.440
Right.
455
00:22:58.559 --> 00:23:00.000
And every kid be able to eat for free every
456
00:23:00.039 --> 00:23:03.380
fucking day. But, oh, let's share this story all over.
457
00:23:03.299 --> 00:23:06.589
The place, right? Right. And there's like no good moment
458
00:23:06.609 --> 00:23:07.809
to be the wet blanket and be like.
459
00:23:08.269 --> 00:23:08.450
No.
460
00:23:08.769 --> 00:23:08.930
Yeah.
461
00:23:09.130 --> 00:23:12.109
Because then you're the asshole for bringing everybody down by
462
00:23:12.230 --> 00:23:14.190
pointing out that, hey, there's still an orphan crushing machine.
463
00:23:14.390 --> 00:23:15.549
Right. I like that.
464
00:23:15.990 --> 00:23:16.150
Yeah.
465
00:23:16.250 --> 00:23:16.410
Yeah.
466
00:23:17.210 --> 00:23:21.950
Yeah. So dismantle the machine, folks. Anyway. But yeah. Twain says,
467
00:23:22.119 --> 00:23:25.259
Satan says, Very well. Six thousand years ago, Shem was
468
00:23:25.299 --> 00:23:29.660
full of hookworms, microscopic in size, invisible to the unaided eye.
469
00:23:30.339 --> 00:23:33.640
All of the creator's specially deadly disease producers are invisible.
470
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:37.140
It is an ingenious idea. For thousands of years, it
471
00:23:37.180 --> 00:23:39.480
kept man from getting at the roots of his maladies
472
00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:42.200
and defeated his attempts to master them. It is only
473
00:23:42.279 --> 00:23:45.400
very recently that science has succeeded in exposing some of
474
00:23:45.460 --> 00:23:48.220
these treacheries. So I like that. So this is Twain's
475
00:23:48.440 --> 00:23:50.700
time peeking in, saying it's like very recently have we
476
00:23:50.740 --> 00:23:52.220
discovered germ theory.
477
00:23:52.599 --> 00:23:53.440
Mm-hmm.
478
00:23:53.559 --> 00:23:56.799
Well, I mean, comparatively recently. Right. I think by Twain's time. Yeah.
479
00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:59.839
In the Bible, it's just wickedness, I suppose. Right. Yeah.
480
00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:00.619
That's the solution.
481
00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:01.089
Mm-hmm.
482
00:24:01.180 --> 00:24:01.309
Mm-hmm.
483
00:24:02.380 --> 00:24:04.799
The very latest of these blessed triumphs of science is
484
00:24:04.859 --> 00:24:09.440
the discovery and identification of the ambuscaded assassin, which goes
485
00:24:09.480 --> 00:24:13.480
by the name of the hookworm. Its special prey is
486
00:24:13.500 --> 00:24:17.380
the barefooted poor. It lies in wait in warm regions
487
00:24:17.440 --> 00:24:20.819
and sandy places and digs its way into their unprotected feet.
488
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:23.599
The hookworm was discovered two or three years ago by
489
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:26.319
a physician who had been patiently studying its victims for
490
00:24:26.359 --> 00:24:29.619
a long time. The disease induced by the hookworm had
491
00:24:29.660 --> 00:24:31.480
been doing its evil work here and there in the
492
00:24:31.519 --> 00:24:34.339
earth ever since Shem landed on Ararat, but it was
493
00:24:34.380 --> 00:24:37.019
never suspected to be a disease at all. The people
494
00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:40.259
who had it were merely supposed to be lazy and
495
00:24:40.299 --> 00:24:43.059
were therefore despised and made fun of when they should
496
00:24:43.079 --> 00:24:47.640
have been pitied. The hookworm is a peculiarly... God damn it, Twain.
497
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:56.170
The hookworm is a peculiarly... That was it. Peculiarly? Peculiar...
498
00:24:55.960 --> 00:24:57.200
It's a what-a-way. It's a what-a-way.
499
00:24:58.740 --> 00:25:01.789
The hookworm. You just have to, you did it once earlier,
500
00:25:01.829 --> 00:25:03.190
so you just have to copy and paste it for
501
00:25:03.210 --> 00:25:04.309
the whole episode.
502
00:25:04.410 --> 00:25:10.289
Yes. The hookworm is a peculiarly sneaking and underhanded invention
503
00:25:10.529 --> 00:25:13.849
and has done its surreptitious work unmolested for ages. But
504
00:25:13.890 --> 00:25:16.630
that physician and his helpers will exterminate it now. God
505
00:25:16.690 --> 00:25:18.609
is back of this. He has been thinking about it
506
00:25:18.670 --> 00:25:21.890
for 6,000 years and making up his mind. The idea
507
00:25:21.950 --> 00:25:25.730
of exterminating the hookworm was his. He came very near
508
00:25:25.769 --> 00:25:28.490
doing it before Dr. Charles Wardell Stiles did. But he
509
00:25:28.619 --> 00:25:30.259
is in time to get the credit of it. He
510
00:25:30.420 --> 00:25:30.940
always is.
511
00:25:31.319 --> 00:25:33.900
So, yes, God will get the credit for the eradication
512
00:25:33.980 --> 00:25:36.440
of the hookworm because God, it's all of God's plan.
513
00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:40.019
But it must have been God's plan that it was
514
00:25:40.079 --> 00:25:43.099
ruinous for everybody for, you know, the entirety of mankind.
515
00:25:43.259 --> 00:25:46.480
And this is what Twain is pointing out. Right.
516
00:25:46.680 --> 00:25:51.220
So, hookworm, I listened to a podcast called Stuff You
517
00:25:51.240 --> 00:25:53.160
Should Know, which is really great. It's a general interest podcast.
518
00:25:53.380 --> 00:25:56.049
And one of their episodes, they're based in Atlanta. And
519
00:25:56.289 --> 00:25:59.390
they they pointed out how a lot of the southern
520
00:25:59.430 --> 00:26:02.670
stereotypes we have, just as Twain is talking about, about laziness,
521
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:06.119
like both with like poor whites and then poor blacks
522
00:26:06.279 --> 00:26:08.740
in the south with laziness might have had to do
523
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:12.900
with their hookworm epidemic. Oh, yeah. So that was, you know,
524
00:26:13.180 --> 00:26:15.549
so nowadays, you know, people don't go around in, you know,
525
00:26:15.710 --> 00:26:18.609
in the country without shoes, but. That might have been
526
00:26:19.089 --> 00:26:20.710
a big part of it, like thinking about, oh, everybody
527
00:26:20.730 --> 00:26:23.680
just talks slow and is, like, lazy and, you know,
528
00:26:23.720 --> 00:26:25.859
seems slow-witted. And it was, you know, a couple of
529
00:26:25.900 --> 00:26:27.140
generations of, yeah, hookworm.
530
00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:28.279
Oh, God.
531
00:26:28.299 --> 00:26:29.259
Mm-hmm.
532
00:26:29.480 --> 00:26:34.180
I am looking at pictures of it now, which I— folks,
533
00:26:33.140 --> 00:26:36.849
which I do not recommend. You can literally see it, like,
534
00:26:36.930 --> 00:26:39.170
just a long red string underneath the skin of the foot.
535
00:26:39.190 --> 00:26:39.529
Right.
536
00:26:39.609 --> 00:26:42.069
It's, oh, God, it looks like it hurts. Ah, my
537
00:26:42.089 --> 00:26:43.990
feet are hurting right now just looking at it. Yeah.
538
00:26:44.009 --> 00:26:46.740
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's from walking around in kind of muddy,
539
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:49.190
muddy situations. So, like, you know, dirt roads that, when
540
00:26:49.230 --> 00:26:51.569
it's wet enough, become muddy. And that's your only way
541
00:26:51.609 --> 00:26:55.730
to and from, you know, your place to the town,
542
00:26:55.750 --> 00:26:57.410
you know, to the shop, to even the doctor's office,
543
00:26:57.430 --> 00:26:59.109
and you can get hookworm everywhere. Yeah.
544
00:26:59.289 --> 00:27:02.700
And I'm sure, I mean, like, yeah, when there were slaves,
545
00:27:02.740 --> 00:27:09.599
they were afflicted with this and accused of being, quote-unquote, lazy. Right.
546
00:27:09.859 --> 00:27:13.119
Yeah. Oh, God. God. And so it's associated with the South, and,
547
00:27:13.740 --> 00:27:15.980
you know... So they were pointing this out because they're
548
00:27:16.000 --> 00:27:17.400
from Atlanta, and they're like, you know, Atlanta is a
549
00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:19.849
great metropolis of, you know, it's just as sophisticated as
550
00:27:19.869 --> 00:27:23.470
Philadelphia or wherever. But, yeah, but that, like, generations later,
551
00:27:23.509 --> 00:27:25.650
they're still living with that stereotype. And, yeah, and then
552
00:27:25.670 --> 00:27:29.430
when it's racialized, obviously, like you're saying, it's even more pernicious. Oh, God.
553
00:27:29.589 --> 00:27:30.269
Eesh. Eesh.
554
00:27:30.549 --> 00:27:30.789
Okay.
555
00:27:30.849 --> 00:27:32.680
Well, there we go. Hookworms, folks.
556
00:27:33.460 --> 00:27:35.519
So Twain would be familiar with that stereotype, obviously.
557
00:27:35.660 --> 00:27:36.400
He would be very familiar.
558
00:27:36.420 --> 00:27:36.900
Missouri, right.
559
00:27:37.319 --> 00:27:39.299
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Ay-yi-yi.
560
00:27:39.599 --> 00:27:39.859
Okay.
561
00:27:39.980 --> 00:27:43.039
So. He continues, he says, it is going to cost
562
00:27:43.119 --> 00:27:46.099
a million dollars. He was probably just in the act
563
00:27:46.220 --> 00:27:49.039
of contributing that sum when a man pushed in ahead
564
00:27:49.059 --> 00:27:50.940
of him, as usual, Mr. Rockefeller.
565
00:27:51.519 --> 00:27:54.000
So God was about to give that money, and he
566
00:27:54.019 --> 00:27:57.589
didn't have to because Rockefeller did. God was patting his
567
00:27:58.690 --> 00:28:01.269
pants pockets going, oh, it must be around here somewhere.
568
00:28:03.130 --> 00:28:03.630
My wallet.
569
00:28:05.089 --> 00:28:08.029
Let there be my wallet.
570
00:28:08.349 --> 00:28:09.430
No, not that fast, not that fast.
571
00:28:09.720 --> 00:28:10.619
Yes.
572
00:28:12.519 --> 00:28:15.400
God comes back from the bathroom after dinner as Rockefeller's
573
00:28:15.420 --> 00:28:16.380
paying the... No!
574
00:28:17.460 --> 00:28:17.700
Oh.
575
00:28:17.880 --> 00:28:18.880
No, not again.
576
00:28:18.900 --> 00:28:21.539
You got it the last time. Yes, and the time
577
00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:26.059
before that. And because he can see all and know all,
578
00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:27.880
he knew exactly how long to wait in the bathroom.
579
00:28:28.380 --> 00:28:28.960
Oh, yes, yes.
580
00:28:30.809 --> 00:28:35.630
Oh, jeez. I tell you, him and Philippe Lebel.
581
00:28:35.670 --> 00:28:37.069
Right, Philippe Lebel. Yep, yep, yep.
582
00:28:38.579 --> 00:28:41.069
But yeah, as usual, Mr. Rockefeller, he furnishes the million,
583
00:28:41.400 --> 00:28:45.089
but the credit will go elsewhere, as usual. This morning's
584
00:28:45.130 --> 00:28:49.009
journal tells us something about the hookworm's operations. Okay, this
585
00:28:49.029 --> 00:28:54.400
is what Twain understood about the hookworm. The hookworm parasites
586
00:28:54.519 --> 00:28:56.960
often so lower the vitality of those who are affected
587
00:28:57.299 --> 00:29:00.220
as to retard their physical and mental development, render them
588
00:29:00.279 --> 00:29:03.579
more susceptible to other diseases, make labor less efficient, and,
589
00:29:03.700 --> 00:29:06.410
in the sections where the malady is most prevalent— greatly
590
00:29:06.470 --> 00:29:10.490
increased the death rate from consumption, pneumonia, typhoid fever, and malaria.
591
00:29:11.210 --> 00:29:13.799
It has been shown that the lowered vitality of multitudes
592
00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:18.019
long attributed to malaria and climate and seriously affecting economic
593
00:29:18.039 --> 00:29:21.859
development is in fact due in some districts to this parasite.
594
00:29:22.460 --> 00:29:25.279
The disease is by no means confined to any one class.
595
00:29:25.640 --> 00:29:27.940
It takes its toll of suffering and death from the
596
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:31.180
highly intelligent and well-to-do as well as from the less fortunate.
597
00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:34.230
It is a conservative estimate that two millions of our
598
00:29:34.269 --> 00:29:37.329
people are affected by this parasite. The disease is more
599
00:29:37.369 --> 00:29:40.140
common and more serious in children of school age. than
600
00:29:40.259 --> 00:29:45.519
in other persons. Widespread and serious as the infection is,
601
00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:49.000
there is still a most encouraging outlook. This disease can
602
00:29:49.019 --> 00:29:52.920
be easily recognized, readily and effectively treated, and by simple
603
00:29:53.079 --> 00:29:57.849
and proper sanitary precautions successfully prevented. And then brackets, with
604
00:29:57.910 --> 00:30:01.359
God's help. The poor children are under the eye, capital E,
605
00:30:01.619 --> 00:30:04.019
that never sleeps, you see. They have had that ill
606
00:30:04.059 --> 00:30:07.660
luck in all the ages. They and the Lord's poor,
607
00:30:08.089 --> 00:30:10.549
as the sarcastic phrase goes, have never been able to
608
00:30:10.569 --> 00:30:14.670
get away from that eye's attentions. Yes, the poor, the humble,
609
00:30:14.750 --> 00:30:17.670
the ignorant, they are the ones that catch it. Take
610
00:30:17.710 --> 00:30:21.930
the sleeping sickness of Africa. This atrocious cruelty has for
611
00:30:22.049 --> 00:30:26.390
its victims a race of, as Twain puts it, ignorant
612
00:30:26.509 --> 00:30:29.490
and unoffending blacks, whom God placed in a remote wilderness
613
00:30:29.670 --> 00:30:32.849
and bent his parental eye upon them, the one that
614
00:30:32.869 --> 00:30:35.099
never sleeps when there is a chance to breed sorrow
615
00:30:35.119 --> 00:30:37.559
for somebody. He arranged for these people before the flood.
616
00:30:38.079 --> 00:30:40.980
The chosen agent was a fly, related to the Titsi.
617
00:30:41.460 --> 00:30:43.500
The Titsi is a fly, which has command of the
618
00:30:43.519 --> 00:30:47.220
Zambezi country, and stings cattle and horses to death, thus
619
00:30:47.400 --> 00:30:51.339
rendering that region uninhabitable by man. The Titsi's awful relative
620
00:30:51.380 --> 00:30:56.240
deposits a microbe which produces the sleeping sickness, ham, that's
621
00:30:56.539 --> 00:30:59.910
Noah's other son, Ham, was full of these microbes. And
622
00:30:59.950 --> 00:31:03.250
when the voyage was over, he discharged them in Africa.
623
00:31:03.529 --> 00:31:07.549
And the havoc began, never to find amelioration until 6,000
624
00:31:07.549 --> 00:31:10.099
years should go by, and science should pry into the
625
00:31:10.130 --> 00:31:12.700
mystery and hunt out the cause of the disease. The
626
00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:15.420
pious nations are now thanking God and praising him for
627
00:31:15.480 --> 00:31:18.420
coming to the rescue of his poor, as Dwayne puts it, blacks.
628
00:31:19.019 --> 00:31:21.240
The pulpit says the praise is due to him. He
629
00:31:21.349 --> 00:31:24.589
is surely a curious being. He commits a fearful crime,
630
00:31:24.930 --> 00:31:28.170
continues that crime unbroken for 6,000 years, and is then
631
00:31:28.250 --> 00:31:31.650
entitled to praise because he suggests to somebody else to
632
00:31:31.890 --> 00:31:34.869
modify its severities. He is called patient, and he certainly
633
00:31:34.990 --> 00:31:37.109
must be patient, or he would have sunk the pulpit
634
00:31:37.210 --> 00:31:39.890
in perdition ages ago for the ghastly compliments it pays him.
635
00:31:40.710 --> 00:31:44.099
Science has this to say about the sleeping sickness, otherwise called, oh,
636
00:31:44.970 --> 00:31:46.230
I didn't know it was called that back in the day.
637
00:31:46.849 --> 00:31:50.450
According to Twain, the N-word lethargy.
638
00:31:50.710 --> 00:31:51.910
Well, one of the N-words.
639
00:31:52.099 --> 00:31:52.599
One of the N-words.
640
00:31:52.619 --> 00:31:53.059
The lesser N-word.
641
00:31:54.609 --> 00:31:57.329
If there is such a thing. And then the next
642
00:31:57.410 --> 00:31:59.890
bit is in italics for me. Is it that way
643
00:31:59.930 --> 00:32:00.150
for you?
644
00:32:00.410 --> 00:32:00.609
Yes.
645
00:32:01.009 --> 00:32:01.569
Okay, so this is.
646
00:32:02.009 --> 00:32:03.890
Like he's quoting, but I don't know if we have
647
00:32:03.930 --> 00:32:04.769
what he's actually quoting.
648
00:32:04.829 --> 00:32:08.529
Yeah. It looks like a medical book or something like that. Okay,
649
00:32:08.569 --> 00:32:11.809
so this is Twain quoting Satan, quoting a medical book,
650
00:32:11.990 --> 00:32:15.410
I think. Quote, It is characterized by periods of sleep
651
00:32:15.470 --> 00:32:18.460
recurring at intervals. The disease lasts from four months to
652
00:32:18.500 --> 00:32:21.039
four years and is always fatal. The victim appears at
653
00:32:21.079 --> 00:32:24.950
first languid, weak, pallid, and stupid. His eyelids become puffy.
654
00:32:25.309 --> 00:32:28.650
An eruption appears on his skin. He falls asleep while talking, eating,
655
00:32:28.730 --> 00:32:31.589
or working. As the disease progresses, he is fed with
656
00:32:31.650 --> 00:32:35.930
difficulty and becomes much emaciated. The failure of nutrition and
657
00:32:35.990 --> 00:32:39.230
the appearance of bed sores are followed by convulsions and death.
658
00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:42.740
Some patients become insane. And then this is Satan again.
659
00:32:43.279 --> 00:32:45.519
It is he whom church and people call our father
660
00:32:45.559 --> 00:32:47.920
in heaven who has invented the fly and sent him
661
00:32:47.960 --> 00:32:51.420
to inflict this dreary long misery and melancholy and wretchedness
662
00:32:51.880 --> 00:32:54.599
and decay of body and mind upon a poor... Twain
663
00:32:54.619 --> 00:32:57.380
says savage, who has done the great criminal no harm.
664
00:32:58.160 --> 00:33:02.019
The great criminal being capitalized, GC. Calling God a great criminal.
665
00:33:02.160 --> 00:33:02.640
Yeah, yeah.
666
00:33:03.880 --> 00:33:05.839
There isn't a man in the world who doesn't pity
667
00:33:05.920 --> 00:33:08.619
the poor black sufferer. And there isn't a man that
668
00:33:08.640 --> 00:33:10.940
wouldn't make him whole if he could. To find the
669
00:33:11.059 --> 00:33:13.279
one person who has no pity for him, you must
670
00:33:13.339 --> 00:33:16.720
go to heaven. To find the one person who is
671
00:33:16.779 --> 00:33:18.890
able to heal him and couldn't be persuaded to do it,
672
00:33:19.160 --> 00:33:21.420
you must go to the same place. There is only
673
00:33:21.589 --> 00:33:23.950
one father cruel enough to afflict his child with that
674
00:33:23.990 --> 00:33:27.809
terrible disease. Only one. Not all the eternities can produce
675
00:33:27.869 --> 00:33:31.349
another one. Do you like reproachful, poetical indignations warmly expressed?
676
00:33:31.569 --> 00:33:33.339
Here is one, hot from the heart of a slave.
677
00:33:33.839 --> 00:33:36.539
Yeah, and this means slave just as humankind in general,
678
00:33:36.599 --> 00:33:39.319
not an African slave or someone from Africa here.
679
00:33:39.500 --> 00:33:40.880
Right, who was abducted and enslaved.
680
00:33:41.039 --> 00:33:42.740
Right, so they're all, yeah, all of humanity is a
681
00:33:42.740 --> 00:33:43.799
slave to this great criminal.
682
00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:49.750
Yes, yeah. And then this particular one is Scottish poet
683
00:33:49.869 --> 00:33:55.390
Robert Burns. And he says, man's inhumanity to man makes
684
00:33:55.470 --> 00:34:01.250
countless thousands mourn. So Twain's Satan has quoted.
685
00:34:02.750 --> 00:34:03.069
This guy.
686
00:34:03.869 --> 00:34:05.369
And he continues. He says, I will tell you a
687
00:34:05.390 --> 00:34:07.589
pleasant tale which has in it a touch of pathos.
688
00:34:08.110 --> 00:34:10.190
A man got religion and asked the priest what he
689
00:34:10.250 --> 00:34:12.409
must do to be worthy of his new state. The
690
00:34:12.429 --> 00:34:15.010
priest said, imitate our father in heaven. Learn to be
691
00:34:15.050 --> 00:34:18.389
like him. The man studied his Bible diligently and thoroughly
692
00:34:18.530 --> 00:34:22.179
and understandingly, and then, with prayers for heavenly guidance, instituted
693
00:34:22.239 --> 00:34:25.980
his imitations. He tricked his wife into falling downstairs, and
694
00:34:26.019 --> 00:34:27.639
she broke her back and became a paralytic for life.
695
00:34:28.159 --> 00:34:30.480
He betrayed his brother into the hands of a sharper
696
00:34:30.739 --> 00:34:32.550
who robbed him of his all and landed him in
697
00:34:32.590 --> 00:34:35.090
the almshouse. What is a sharper?
698
00:34:35.110 --> 00:34:36.469
Um, I don't know.
699
00:34:36.670 --> 00:34:39.130
A person who cheats and swindles others. Ah, like a
700
00:34:39.150 --> 00:34:39.449
con man.
701
00:34:39.730 --> 00:34:39.949
I see.
702
00:34:40.130 --> 00:34:42.320
Okay, so betrayed his brother into the hands of a conman,
703
00:34:42.360 --> 00:34:44.280
a sharper, who robbed him of his all and landed
704
00:34:44.320 --> 00:34:47.480
him in the almshouse. He inoculated one son with hookworms,
705
00:34:47.900 --> 00:34:51.579
another with a sleeping sickness, another with gonorrhea. He furnished
706
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:54.940
one daughter with scarlet fever and ushered her into her teens, deaf, dumb,
707
00:34:55.019 --> 00:34:58.179
and blind for life. And after helping a rascal seduce
708
00:34:58.300 --> 00:35:01.260
the remaining one, he closed his doors against her and
709
00:35:01.309 --> 00:35:03.710
she died in a brothel cursing him. Then he reported
710
00:35:03.769 --> 00:35:06.110
to the priest, who said that that was no way
711
00:35:06.150 --> 00:35:08.369
to imitate his father in heaven. The convert asked wherein
712
00:35:08.409 --> 00:35:10.619
he had failed. But the priest changed the subject and
713
00:35:10.659 --> 00:35:12.320
inquired what kind of weather he was having up his way.
714
00:35:13.360 --> 00:35:16.150
Everybody talks about heavenly weather, but nobody does anything about it.
715
00:35:16.380 --> 00:35:16.840
Yeah.
716
00:35:17.530 --> 00:35:17.780
Okay.
717
00:35:17.820 --> 00:35:22.329
So I feel like I've heard this anecdote before. Is
718
00:35:22.510 --> 00:35:25.630
Twain the first one to have a guy go to
719
00:35:25.670 --> 00:35:29.630
a priest and say, like, hey, what should I do
720
00:35:30.050 --> 00:35:31.590
to be a good person? And the priest says, be
721
00:35:31.630 --> 00:35:33.630
more like God. And then he goes and does terrible,
722
00:35:33.670 --> 00:35:36.349
horrible things. And the priest is like, what are you doing?
723
00:35:36.389 --> 00:35:38.730
It's like, I'm being more like God, according to the Bible.
724
00:35:39.739 --> 00:35:44.400
I've heard this, I've heard this anecdote before, but do
725
00:35:44.420 --> 00:35:46.820
you think this is, it sounds like you haven't.
726
00:35:47.280 --> 00:35:48.980
No, no, no. That was new to me.
727
00:35:49.639 --> 00:35:51.800
I wonder if this is the first instance of it.
728
00:35:52.199 --> 00:35:52.380
Yeah.
729
00:35:52.460 --> 00:35:56.019
Yeah. Okay. So what did we, what did we think
730
00:35:56.099 --> 00:35:56.539
of this letter?
731
00:35:56.659 --> 00:36:00.000
It's a pretty surprising branch off of the Noah story, right?
732
00:36:00.019 --> 00:36:02.840
To then go into the nature of disease and, and, um,
733
00:36:03.340 --> 00:36:06.800
and the nature of, uh, suffering and God's relation to man. It's,
734
00:36:06.880 --> 00:36:08.940
it's really interesting. It's, Because, again, like how short the
735
00:36:08.980 --> 00:36:10.619
Noah's Ark story is and now to use this as
736
00:36:10.659 --> 00:36:14.110
this jumping off point is very interesting and, you know,
737
00:36:14.409 --> 00:36:15.280
very shocking where he takes it.
738
00:36:15.289 --> 00:36:21.730
Yeah, yeah. And, I mean, this is posthumously published. I
739
00:36:21.789 --> 00:36:26.719
almost want to assume that he planned to maybe cover
740
00:36:26.739 --> 00:36:29.389
the whole Bible. and maybe there were other, you know,
741
00:36:29.429 --> 00:36:32.150
places that he could, you know, that he could talk about, right. The, the,
742
00:36:32.190 --> 00:36:35.110
the cruelties of racism and the, and, um, uh, the
743
00:36:35.130 --> 00:36:37.380
way that, um, uh, the poor are treated and everything
744
00:36:37.389 --> 00:36:40.780
like that. But, but maybe not, maybe, I mean, you know,
745
00:36:40.800 --> 00:36:41.760
maybe we're going to get to the end of this
746
00:36:41.780 --> 00:36:43.849
thing and realize like, oh, that was the perfect place to, to,
747
00:36:43.900 --> 00:36:44.900
to put it was here.
748
00:36:45.199 --> 00:36:50.190
Um, yeah. And again, it's like such a unambiguously, uh,
749
00:36:50.260 --> 00:36:52.960
you know, cut black and white story, Noah's Ark, right?
750
00:36:53.340 --> 00:36:55.530
Everything that God does is great. God saves humanity.
751
00:36:55.719 --> 00:36:57.780
From the orphan crushing machine.
752
00:36:58.750 --> 00:37:01.710
Right. That is very interesting. And yeah, I'm constantly surprised
753
00:37:01.750 --> 00:37:05.309
how in this whole Twain season we're doing, how able
754
00:37:05.349 --> 00:37:06.030
he is to shock me.
755
00:37:06.630 --> 00:37:06.829
Yeah.
756
00:37:07.369 --> 00:37:07.550
Yeah.
757
00:37:08.150 --> 00:37:12.030
It is, like, it is not at all like, like,
758
00:37:13.230 --> 00:37:16.650
like the Twain I knew, right? But, but I guess that's,
759
00:37:16.849 --> 00:37:22.110
that's partially why these works are so special and it like,
760
00:37:22.750 --> 00:37:26.750
you see a soft spot for, for humanity and a, a,
761
00:37:27.030 --> 00:37:29.929
a wish that, that things were better and that suffering
762
00:37:29.969 --> 00:37:33.260
was less and, and that, that people were less racist
763
00:37:33.320 --> 00:37:34.699
and more kind to each other and everything like that.
764
00:37:34.739 --> 00:37:37.000
You see that in his writings, but it's, it is
765
00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:39.280
the writings of, of somebody who has lost so many
766
00:37:39.320 --> 00:37:41.860
people and who is, is about to die himself. And
767
00:37:41.900 --> 00:37:46.710
he's just like, it's fucking Christianity, man. Like, like the hell,
768
00:37:46.889 --> 00:37:47.090
you know?
769
00:37:47.110 --> 00:37:47.670
Mm-hmm.
770
00:37:48.559 --> 00:37:51.679
Or at least people's constructed Christianity.
771
00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:54.099
Right. Or sure, as people are comforting him through all
772
00:37:54.119 --> 00:37:57.139
of his losses and potentially comforting him through his potential death.
773
00:37:57.989 --> 00:37:58.949
Oh, yeah. Right?
774
00:37:59.010 --> 00:37:59.590
Of course. Of course.
775
00:37:59.650 --> 00:38:02.369
Every single time he loses a loved one, they're going
776
00:38:02.389 --> 00:38:03.929
to be like, God works in mysterious ways.
777
00:38:04.110 --> 00:38:04.230
Right.
778
00:38:04.610 --> 00:38:06.769
And like, oh, God has a plan. And so, of course,
779
00:38:06.809 --> 00:38:08.750
that stuff is going to go into his writings. He's like, oh, yeah,
780
00:38:08.769 --> 00:38:09.780
this is God's plan.
781
00:38:11.480 --> 00:38:12.159
Wow. Yeah.
782
00:38:12.300 --> 00:38:13.840
Well, stick with us, folks. We've got some more letters
783
00:38:13.880 --> 00:38:16.500
to cover. But for now... This has been another episode
784
00:38:16.519 --> 00:38:18.219
of The Devil's Details. I've been Lester Ryan Clark. You
785
00:38:18.239 --> 00:38:20.349
can summon me on all the socials as Lester Ryan Clark.
786
00:38:20.530 --> 00:38:22.289
And I've been Kenan Diaz, and you can invoke me
787
00:38:22.389 --> 00:38:24.469
on Instagram and Letterboxd at HowdyKenan.
788
00:38:24.550 --> 00:38:26.369
Find more of our shows and other really cool podcasts
789
00:38:26.409 --> 00:38:28.949
at truestory.fm, or feel free to drop us a message
790
00:38:29.010 --> 00:38:31.989
at Banana for Scale Mail. That's M-A-I-L at gmail.com. We
791
00:38:32.010 --> 00:38:33.719
got our Facebook listener group, Banana for Scale. That's a
792
00:38:33.719 --> 00:38:35.900
community for all of our shows, including this one. It's
793
00:38:35.940 --> 00:38:37.460
a private group. I just request to join, and we'll
794
00:38:37.480 --> 00:38:39.480
let you into the infernal family. If you want more,
795
00:38:39.519 --> 00:38:41.840
consider joining us at truestory.fm slash join and look for
796
00:38:41.880 --> 00:38:42.380
Banana for Scale.
797
00:38:42.400 --> 00:38:42.690
That's us.
798
00:38:43.010 --> 00:38:44.750
You get bonus episodes of all our shows, access to
799
00:38:44.769 --> 00:38:46.349
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800
00:38:46.369 --> 00:38:47.230
and ad-free. Pretty cool.
801
00:38:47.269 --> 00:38:48.030
Just five bucks.
802
00:38:48.449 --> 00:38:50.409
Wouldst thou like to live deliciously? We're not even asking
803
00:38:50.449 --> 00:38:52.570
for your souls. Just give us a five pentagram rating
804
00:38:52.610 --> 00:38:54.690
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805
00:38:54.929 --> 00:38:56.320
That and sharing the show by word of mouth or
806
00:38:56.340 --> 00:38:57.760
on social media is going to help our little podcast
807
00:38:57.780 --> 00:39:00.719
grow and find more cool people like you. All right, folks.
808
00:39:00.780 --> 00:39:03.000
Until next week, love and hisses. Mwah! Mwah!
1
00:00:00.220 --> 00:00:01.840
Hey, want to skip those ads and get early access
2
00:00:02.060 --> 00:00:04.620
and bonus episodes of all Banana for Scale shows? Hop
3
00:00:04.660 --> 00:00:07.710
on over to truestory.fm and discover all the cool perks
4
00:00:07.730 --> 00:00:09.509
that come with being a member of the Banana for
5
00:00:09.529 --> 00:00:15.230
Scale family. Coming up on The Devil's Details, Letters from
6
00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:18.339
the Earth by Mark Twain. Letter 7. Noah and his
7
00:00:18.379 --> 00:00:32.710
family get hooked. Good morning, Star, and welcome to another
8
00:00:32.750 --> 00:00:35.170
episode of The Devil's Details, a show where we dig up, decipher, dissect,
9
00:00:35.210 --> 00:00:37.130
and deconstruct the many forms of the devil. One of
10
00:00:37.229 --> 00:00:38.439
my names is Lester Ryan Clark.
11
00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:40.560
And I sometimes go by Kenan Dias.
12
00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:43.100
And we're just two lost souls hitchhiking down the highway
13
00:00:43.140 --> 00:00:47.520
to hell. Only lately this highway has become flooded, and
14
00:00:47.539 --> 00:00:50.299
we've hitched a ride on this ark. We've got to
15
00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:52.979
be real sneaky, though, because we're not actually allowed to
16
00:00:53.000 --> 00:00:53.469
be on here.
17
00:00:55.450 --> 00:00:57.590
I just saw a Renaissance painting as we were doing research,
18
00:00:57.609 --> 00:00:59.960
and And I thought it was of people hanging onto
19
00:00:59.979 --> 00:01:01.420
the side of the ark in the middle of the ocean.
20
00:01:01.439 --> 00:01:02.859
And I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. But
21
00:01:02.880 --> 00:01:05.959
it was actually of mermaids visiting them. Oh. So I
22
00:01:05.969 --> 00:01:06.829
don't know which one is weirder.
23
00:01:08.090 --> 00:01:09.150
Well, I mean, yeah, you know.
24
00:01:09.629 --> 00:01:11.209
Well, because I was like, why are these, okay, I
25
00:01:11.230 --> 00:01:13.049
get why these people are hanging off the side. That's great.
26
00:01:13.390 --> 00:01:17.349
Why are they naked? No, no, no, they're mermaids. Mermaids.
27
00:01:17.750 --> 00:01:18.489
Got it, got it.
28
00:01:18.469 --> 00:01:18.709
Got it.
29
00:01:19.189 --> 00:01:24.159
Yeah, I love the Venn diagram that is like the
30
00:01:24.280 --> 00:01:27.739
old mythological creatures and modern Christianity just kind of like,
31
00:01:28.170 --> 00:01:32.260
melding and creating, you know, these weird instances in history
32
00:01:32.340 --> 00:01:33.560
and art and stuff like that.
33
00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:36.879
Right. I just posted this in the doc if you
34
00:01:36.900 --> 00:01:37.400
want to look at this.
35
00:01:37.420 --> 00:01:38.200
Oh my god, you're right.
36
00:01:38.340 --> 00:01:40.519
I just noticed this. So yeah, so I was like, yeah,
37
00:01:40.540 --> 00:01:41.859
they're trying to get on the ark, but no, no,
38
00:01:41.879 --> 00:01:42.640
they're mermaids visiting.
39
00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:43.180
Yeah.
40
00:01:43.480 --> 00:01:44.980
But look who they got with them at the bottom.
41
00:01:45.019 --> 00:01:45.670
I just noticed this.
42
00:01:46.560 --> 00:01:47.849
Is that a mer-dog?
43
00:01:47.969 --> 00:01:50.790
It's our little mer-dog.
44
00:01:50.810 --> 00:01:53.390
Aww. It's a little mer-pup, guys.
45
00:01:54.109 --> 00:01:57.269
I've never seen a mer-pup. Aww.
46
00:01:58.310 --> 00:02:02.969
That is so adorable. There are no mer-cats because those
47
00:02:03.019 --> 00:02:03.840
are all in Africa.
48
00:02:06.079 --> 00:02:11.719
That's right. Eden bugs. Yes. Eden grubs. Eden grubs.
49
00:02:13.759 --> 00:02:16.840
And they're all played by Nathan Lane. And I love
50
00:02:16.919 --> 00:02:19.860
in this painting, the cat is just like on the
51
00:02:19.879 --> 00:02:22.539
side of the ark and it's just like, I don't
52
00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:23.479
give a fuck. I'm a cat.
53
00:02:23.659 --> 00:02:25.259
Yeah, just hanging off on the rail. Yeah, he could
54
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:26.360
fall into the ocean at any time.
55
00:02:26.599 --> 00:02:29.539
And it's like... Nah, they can take care of themselves.
56
00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:30.819
Yeah.
57
00:02:31.250 --> 00:02:31.810
Ah, it's lovely.
58
00:02:32.030 --> 00:02:33.729
Lovely. All right.
59
00:02:34.909 --> 00:02:35.710
This is a little merp up.
60
00:02:35.849 --> 00:02:39.229
I've never even conceived of such a thing. No.
61
00:02:39.550 --> 00:02:42.150
But yeah, folks, that's where we are in this thing.
62
00:02:42.289 --> 00:02:44.449
We are seabound, I guess.
63
00:02:44.729 --> 00:02:45.150
Seaworthy?
64
00:02:45.229 --> 00:02:47.629
No, seaworthy is the thing that makes you able to
65
00:02:47.650 --> 00:02:48.069
be on the sea.
66
00:02:48.250 --> 00:02:52.370
Right, seaworthy. Sure. But we are on the sea.
67
00:02:52.430 --> 00:03:00.750
And this is letter seven. and Satan is relating the
68
00:03:00.780 --> 00:03:03.849
tale of Noah and his ark back to Michael and Gabriel.
69
00:03:04.789 --> 00:03:07.870
And he begins, Noah and his family were saved, if
70
00:03:08.009 --> 00:03:10.129
that could be called an advantage. I throw in the
71
00:03:10.270 --> 00:03:12.330
if for the reason that there has never been an
72
00:03:12.370 --> 00:03:15.199
intelligent person of the age of 60 who would consent
73
00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:17.860
to live his life over again, his or anyone else's.
74
00:03:18.300 --> 00:03:21.460
The family were saved, yes, but they were not comfortable,
75
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:25.710
for they were full of microbes. full to the eyebrows,
76
00:03:25.969 --> 00:03:29.169
fat with them, obese with them, distended like balloons. It
77
00:03:29.210 --> 00:03:31.909
was a disagreeable condition, but it could not be helped,
78
00:03:32.129 --> 00:03:34.830
because enough microbes had to be saved to supply the
79
00:03:34.870 --> 00:03:38.240
future races of men with desolating diseases. And there were
80
00:03:38.250 --> 00:03:41.020
but eight persons on board to serve as hotels for them.
81
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:44.020
The microbes were by far the most important part of
82
00:03:44.060 --> 00:03:47.479
the Ark's cargo, and the part the Creator was most
83
00:03:47.620 --> 00:03:50.580
anxious about and most infatuated with. They had to have
84
00:03:50.620 --> 00:03:54.650
good nourishment and pleasant accommodations. There were typhoid germs and
85
00:03:54.729 --> 00:03:59.259
cholera germs and hydrophobia germs and lockjaw germs and consumption
86
00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:02.919
germs and black plague germs and some hundreds of other aristocrats,
87
00:04:02.979 --> 00:04:06.740
especially precious creations, golden bearers of God's love to man,
88
00:04:07.080 --> 00:04:10.449
blessed gifts of the infatuated father to his children, all
89
00:04:10.530 --> 00:04:13.770
of which had to be sumptuously housed and richly entertained.
90
00:04:14.259 --> 00:04:17.420
These were located in the choicest places the interiors of
91
00:04:17.439 --> 00:04:20.189
the family could furnish, in the lungs, in the heart,
92
00:04:20.490 --> 00:04:22.430
in the brain, in the kidneys, in the blood, in
93
00:04:22.449 --> 00:04:26.029
the guts particularly. The great intestine was the favorite resort.
94
00:04:26.689 --> 00:04:29.850
There they gathered by countless billions and worked and fed
95
00:04:29.970 --> 00:04:33.879
and squirmed and sang hymns of praise and thanksgiving. And
96
00:04:33.939 --> 00:04:36.000
at night, when it was quiet, you could hear the
97
00:04:36.040 --> 00:04:38.990
soft murmur of it. The large intestine was in fact
98
00:04:39.050 --> 00:04:42.250
their heaven. They stuffed it solid. They made it as
99
00:04:42.389 --> 00:04:44.670
rigid as a coil of gas pipe. They took pride
100
00:04:44.689 --> 00:04:48.629
in this. Their principal hymn made gratified reference to it. Constipation,
101
00:04:48.850 --> 00:04:52.870
oh constipation, the joyful sound proclaim. Till man's remotest entrail
102
00:04:53.100 --> 00:04:54.399
shall praise its maker's name.
103
00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:57.839
Okay.
104
00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:00.379
I'm going to go out on a limb here and
105
00:05:00.420 --> 00:05:03.079
say that Twain is the very first person to account
106
00:05:03.160 --> 00:05:06.959
for all of the microbiology on the ark.
107
00:05:08.779 --> 00:05:13.639
Now, that is so funny. All the diseases that had
108
00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:16.259
to be saved, because, yeah, like, again, this is from
109
00:05:16.279 --> 00:05:18.120
the previous chapters, but God is saving all of these
110
00:05:18.139 --> 00:05:21.689
things for the future, and he must have, he killed
111
00:05:21.750 --> 00:05:23.370
all the wickedness out of man, but he must have
112
00:05:23.410 --> 00:05:25.430
made room on the ark for disease, right?
113
00:05:25.990 --> 00:05:27.350
Because otherwise we wouldn't have disease today.
114
00:05:27.370 --> 00:05:30.009
We wouldn't have disease, right? Now that we understand what
115
00:05:30.050 --> 00:05:32.810
Noah didn't understand, which is that disease comes from germs, right?
116
00:05:33.129 --> 00:05:33.670
Yeah.
117
00:05:34.050 --> 00:05:37.490
But then he goes even further and has them, like,
118
00:05:38.250 --> 00:05:43.569
praising God for their saving, and giving them little churches.
119
00:05:43.620 --> 00:05:45.720
So we are hotels, which he says, for the diseases,
120
00:05:45.759 --> 00:05:47.579
but we also are- Noah and his family, yeah. Yeah,
121
00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:52.500
we're cathedrals for the diseases, which is so funny.
122
00:05:53.300 --> 00:05:55.480
And singing hymns of praise within our.
123
00:05:55.439 --> 00:06:01.689
Bowels, right? Actually, I don't know if you know this,
124
00:06:01.750 --> 00:06:03.750
and I think this freaks people out, but that's part
125
00:06:03.769 --> 00:06:06.089
of what I'm trying to talk about is like- There
126
00:06:06.189 --> 00:06:10.009
are animals that live in your hair, you know, like
127
00:06:10.529 --> 00:06:12.889
your eyelashes. You're aware of that.
128
00:06:13.189 --> 00:06:13.709
Yes, yes.
129
00:06:13.769 --> 00:06:16.149
Okay, sorry at home if this is how you're discovering it. Yeah.
130
00:06:16.449 --> 00:06:19.750
Which I think is cool and cute. Like, I think
131
00:06:19.769 --> 00:06:22.040
you have to be taught or you have to like
132
00:06:22.069 --> 00:06:23.920
approach it from the standpoint that they're there to help you.
133
00:06:24.579 --> 00:06:26.259
They literally are your friends. They're eating all the dead
134
00:06:26.279 --> 00:06:29.860
skin in there. And like, I could totally see why
135
00:06:29.899 --> 00:06:32.100
that creeps people out. But I've also, what helped me
136
00:06:32.139 --> 00:06:36.250
with seeing like electron microscopes like, footage of them, and
137
00:06:36.300 --> 00:06:37.540
it just looks, when you're at that close, it just
138
00:06:37.560 --> 00:06:39.019
looks like a little bear in a cave, you know?
139
00:06:39.060 --> 00:06:43.839
Yes, yes. They're cute little, they're cute little, oh, like,
140
00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:46.879
they're even called some, oh, no, I'm thinking of a tardigrade,
141
00:06:46.899 --> 00:06:47.519
that's not the same thing.
142
00:06:47.540 --> 00:06:49.379
Oh, yeah, the water bear, yeah. They're even smaller, right,
143
00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:52.579
so I think mites, our eyelash mites might have tardigrades
144
00:06:52.660 --> 00:06:56.389
on them. Water bears, yeah.
145
00:06:56.449 --> 00:06:59.930
Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, like, I don't know, like,
146
00:07:00.410 --> 00:07:06.329
it's something that's so... That we're so unaware of that
147
00:07:06.889 --> 00:07:08.980
I'm fine with it.
148
00:07:09.269 --> 00:07:09.490
Yeah, yeah.
149
00:07:09.509 --> 00:07:10.970
It's the same, like when I eat steak, I don't,
150
00:07:11.329 --> 00:07:14.209
you know, it's so far removed from the animal. I'm
151
00:07:14.230 --> 00:07:14.930
just like, meh, you know.
152
00:07:16.620 --> 00:07:18.560
Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, you can't feel the mites
153
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in your eyelash holes or anything like that. And they
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are your buddies. They are helping you.
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And I imagine you would feel it if they were, like, gone.
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Oh, that's true. Yeah, you'd get all sorts of weird, yeah, weird.
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Diseases and stuff like that.
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Yeah, too much eyelash... trash. Yeah, that's true.
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Yeah, your eyelashes would probably hurt and get infected and
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stuff like that.
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That's a really good point, yes. They are our buddies.
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Yeah, yeah. It's the, I mean, what do they say? Like,
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you know, when you're eating yogurt, you're eating, like, a
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good bacteria. Right? There was a, yeah, my favorite stand-up comedian,
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Dara O'Brien, what did he say? He's like, what happens
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if you pour Dettol into a Yakult? Which I didn't
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know what either of those were. I think that's a soap.
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It's like a European soap or disinfectant that's supposed to
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kill like 99% of germs. And Yakult is a brand
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of yogurt.
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Okay.
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So now it makes sense with the European culture provided.
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But he's like, is there just one good bacteria at
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the bottom just saying, thank you for saving me? Yeah.
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Singing praises to the Lord as we have here.
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But yeah. So I mean, yeah. Good bacteria. We've got
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in abundance and they're just like all over. I don't know.
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In that same way, I was fascinated by that jellyfish,
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the Portuguese man o' war, which apparently isn't one jellyfish.
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It's like a colony. It's like it's like a universe
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of like a whole bunch of different animals kind of
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like all living simultaneously together.
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Right.
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You know, and you think of that, it's like, well,
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how could like because we see it as like one animal,
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but it's not right. And it's like, oh, well, that's
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what we are. We got our little eyelash bugs and
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we got our little intestine bugs.
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Oh, right. We, our bodies are colonies for these other
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billions of microbes on us. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
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Yeah.
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The majority of the cells in your body aren't human cells.
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They're other cells, other little buggies.
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And they're nice and they're our friends.
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Yeah. Right. And they sing our praises. Yeah, the atheist
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ones nowadays, yeah, sing our praises. Right. The way we
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would talk about Mother Earth and protecting Mother Earth. Mother
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Lester and Mother Kenan. Yeah.
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And they go to little Kenan and Lester art galleries
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and they throw paint on the priceless artifacts to try
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to protest the pollution of Lester and Kenan.
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Right. Right.
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And some of the microbes are like, well, that's a,
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you know, that's going a little bit too far. You
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didn't need to do that. It's like, you know.
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I see their point though. Yeah. Because Lester warming is
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the great crisis of their time. It is.
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Yes. And we need to do something about it. But
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I mean, you know, that was the Mona Lester.
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Okay.
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So constipation, oh, constipation. Right.
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And he gives it a hymn specifically. Like they are
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singing little religious hymns in there. Yeah.
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Right. And he continues, he says, the discomforts furnished by
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the Ark were many and various. The family had to
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live right in the presence of the multitudinous animals and
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breathe the distressing stench they make and be deafened by
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and be deafened day and night with the thundercrash of
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noise their roarings and screechings produced. And in addition to
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these intolerable discomforts, it was a peculiarly. Jesus. It was
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a peculiar peculiarly. It was a peculiarly. Was that correct?
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No. Okay.
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It was a.
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Very. What? It was very.
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I know.
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It was a very.
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But I have to read it. I have to be
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loyal to the text. It was a peculiarly. It was
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a peculiarly. Jesus Christ. Microbes, help me out. Tongue microbes.
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It was a peculiarly. Peculiarly.
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Peculiarly.
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Peculiarly. It was a peculiarly trying place for the ladies.
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Yeah.
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He goes to great extents to talk about how much
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God loves the flies and the pests and the microbes.
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Yeah. It was like 68,000 different species of them or
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something that we had before. Yeah. Just flies. Not even
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the worms we're talking about here. Yeah. The buggies. Yeah.
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All right. Here's a Twainism for our next paragraph. By
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and by.
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Very. Yeah.
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The other animals would be distributed here and there about
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the earth. Scattered.
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Scattered.
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The tigers to India, the lions and the elephants to
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the vacant desert and the secret places of the jungle,
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the birds to the boundless regions of empty space, the
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insects to one or another climate, according to nature and requirement.
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But the fly, he is of no nationality. All the
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climates are his home. All the globe is his province.
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All creatures that breathe are his prey. And unto them all,
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he is a scourge and a hell. To man, he
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is a divine ambassador, a minister, plenipotentiary, plenipotentiary yeah.
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Let me look it up okay.
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A minister plenipotentiary okay i said it now what does
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it mean.
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That is uh okay uh it it means i don't
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understand what he's saying here so uh this is from
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miriam webster um it is of or invested with full
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power like a diplomat.
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Okay so so So he says he's a divine ambassador.
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So like the highest of high ambassadors, diplomats. All right.
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Great.
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Of God.
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Yeah. So this is the fly. The fly is the
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highest ambassador, diplomat, minister of the creator. Right.
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The creators. And as Twain says, the creator's special representative.
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He infests him in his cradle, clings in bunches to
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his gummy eyelids, buzzes and bites and harries him, robbing
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him of his sleep and his weary mother of her
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strength in those long vigils which she devotes to protecting
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her child from this pest's persecutions. The fly harries the
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sick man in his home, in the hospital, even on
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his deathbed at his last gasp. Pastures him at his meals.
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previously hunts up patients suffering from loathsome and deadly diseases,
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wades in their sores, goms its legs with a million
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death-dealing germs, then comes to that healthy man's table and
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wipes these things off on the butter and discharges a
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bowel load of typhoid germs and excrement on his batter cakes.
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The housefly wrecks more human constitutions and destroys more human
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lives than all God's multitude of misery messengers and death
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agents put together. Damn, Twain!
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Okay, so that's why they are the great ambassador, because
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he's saying that God's main purpose is to.
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Deal death and suffering.
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Deal death and suffering. Yeah, all the things that man
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is befallen with. Yeah. That's God.
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Yeah. So it sounds like he has made the fly
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in his image, according to this religion.
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Right, that's a good point, right. Yeah.
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So then Satan mentions Noah's oldest son, Shem. Shem was
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full of hookworms. It is wonderful, the thorough and comprehensive
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study which the Creator devoted to the great work of
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making man miserable. I have said he devised a special
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affliction agent for each and every detail of man's structure,
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overlooking not a single one. And I said the truth.
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Many poor people have to go barefoot. Because they cannot
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afford shoes, the Creator saw his opportunity. I will remark
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in passing that he always has his eye on the poor.
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Nine-tenths of his disease inventions were intended for the poor.
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And they get them. The well-to-do get only what is
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left over. Do not suspect me of speaking unheedfully, for
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it is not so. The vast bulk of the Creator's
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affliction inventions are specially designed for the persecution of the poor.
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You could guess this by the fact that one of
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the pulpit's finest and commonest names for the Creator is
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the Friend of the Poor. Under no circumstances does the
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pulpit ever pay the Creator a compliment that has a
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vestige of truth in it. The poor's most implacable and
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unwearying enemy is their Father in Heaven. The poor's only
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real friend is their fellow man. He is sorry for them,
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he pities them, and he shows it by his deeds—
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He does much to relieve their distresses, and in every case,
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their father in heaven gets the credit of it. Hmm. Whew.
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Okay.
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I mean, we are getting... Like, Twain is finally getting...
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Say what you want to say, Twain!
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He said a couple times so far in the other
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letters that God does not answer prayers and will not
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answer prayers, and that's interesting enough. Even that, you know,
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is shocking, even to me as an atheist, right? For
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someone to say that. But then to say that basically the...
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primary interaction that people have with god is through disease
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and death there's some logic there um yeah but he's
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saying in quite a quite a mean terrible way.
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And and he gives special attention to the poor and downtrodden.
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Right right right right and then um this is this
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is so mean and the way he says tongue-in-cheekedly right
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like they get 90 or whatever and then the 10
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percent is, is left over for the rich, like totally
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just inverting how we would normally describe it. Like the
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rich get 90% of the land or 90% of the money.
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And then whatever's left over is spilled over to the rest.
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And he converts it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
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And of course, like, you know, we, from, from Twain's
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other works, we know him to be a, a kindhearted
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person who, who desires justice. Like this is, this is
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him being bitter and sarcastic. Um, and, and, and, and
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taking a jab at the way religious people try to
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explain away, um, all the atrocities of the world, who's like, oh,
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God has a plan and God's love and da-da-da-da, right?
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Right, and even the men who give other men sucker,
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like the ones who, okay, there's a huge disaster, and then, oh,
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I've taken you in or I've given you money, and
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they say, oh, thank God for that, rather than, you know,
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thank humans.
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Right, oh, thank you for that.
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Right, thank you for that.
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Right, right. And the whole, just like, you know, it's
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like priests saying, it's like, well, God loves everyone. And
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so here's Twain's Satan saying, oh, yeah, yeah, he loves everyone.
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He loves everyone so much that he gave us hookworms
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and microbes and all of this stuff, yeah. And he
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especially loves the poor. So we see what you're doing, Dwayne.
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But even today, it's a little bit like you kind
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of smile and you laugh, but you're also like, oh, God,
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that's so real. Yeah.
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You're not supposed to say that, even in 2026. Even
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atheists are like, oh, geez, Dwayne.
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But yeah. But he continues. He says, just so with diseases. Hmm.
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Hmm.
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The first thing the delighted pulpit does is to advertise
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it as God's work and invite the people to get
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down on their knees and pour out their thanks to
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him for it. And the pulpit says with admiring emotion,
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let tyrants understand that the eye that never sleeps is
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upon them. And let them remember that the Lord our
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God will not always be patient, but will loose the
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whirlwinds of his wrath upon them in his appointed day.
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They forget to mention that he is the slowest mover
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in the universe. that his eye that never sleeps might
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as well, since it takes it a century to see
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what the other eye would see in a week. That
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in all history, there is not an instance where he
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thought of a noble deed first, but always thought of
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it just a little after somebody else had the thought
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of it and done it. He arrives then and annexes
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the dividend. So all of the good will and good
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ideas of God were actually thought by man first, and
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God takes the credit.
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Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think that rings true to me about, say,
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punishing the wicked, which, again, he's not quite saying this,
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but in Noah's time, like, okay, we're going to drown
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all these children who are not wicked, but it's because
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their forefathers are wicked, and that's how slow God is
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to react to these things.
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Yeah, yeah. Have you heard of the orphan crushing machine?
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Oh, should we invest? Get it on the ground floor?
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No. No.
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What is the Orphan Crushing Machine?
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Okay, so this is a, it's a thought, I don't
392
00:19:49.569 --> 00:19:53.029
know if you call it a thought experiment or just
393
00:19:53.529 --> 00:19:57.380
maybe an idiom or whatever. But it's– people bring it
394
00:19:57.450 --> 00:20:00.940
up whenever they– whenever you have one of those, like,
395
00:20:00.980 --> 00:20:05.690
feel-good stories about a kid who– paid for their cancer
396
00:20:05.710 --> 00:20:08.589
treatment by you know by selling lemonade or by you
397
00:20:08.609 --> 00:20:10.930
know doing you know or like it's like oh we
398
00:20:11.210 --> 00:20:16.279
you know um um i i i've been making this
399
00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:18.400
art and uh and and through this i've been able
400
00:20:18.420 --> 00:20:21.000
to raise awareness and and little timmy gets you know
401
00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:23.279
is able to uh get his treatment or or whatever
402
00:20:23.420 --> 00:20:25.900
or um you know we we we raised enough money
403
00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:29.670
uh by doing this quaint little thing So that so
404
00:20:29.710 --> 00:20:32.089
that little Timmy beat cancer because, you know, he was
405
00:20:32.130 --> 00:20:35.009
able to afford the treatment and beat cancer.
406
00:20:35.049 --> 00:20:35.349
Right.
407
00:20:35.410 --> 00:20:39.170
Or or we did, you know, like like this, this
408
00:20:39.579 --> 00:20:43.400
quirky little funny Internet meme. And it was enough to
409
00:20:43.559 --> 00:20:45.559
raise money to get mosquito nets for, you know, the
410
00:20:45.579 --> 00:20:48.420
people down in that one country who were being plagued
411
00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:51.829
by mosquitoes. And all they literally needed was. mosquito nets
412
00:20:51.930 --> 00:20:53.910
to save billions of lives. And isn't that great? And
413
00:20:53.930 --> 00:20:55.329
look at this meme and stuff like that.
414
00:20:56.009 --> 00:20:59.329
Michael's wife was dying of a disease and he was
415
00:20:59.410 --> 00:21:02.019
out of sick days and his co-workers pulled their sick
416
00:21:02.059 --> 00:21:03.519
days together and gave them to him.
417
00:21:03.619 --> 00:21:08.740
Yes, that's exactly it, right? And these stories get so
418
00:21:08.779 --> 00:21:12.019
many likes and so many shares and so many reposts
419
00:21:12.400 --> 00:21:16.200
and all of that all over the internet. And nobody
420
00:21:16.220 --> 00:21:20.410
ever Nobody in the comments says anything like, hey, isn't
421
00:21:20.430 --> 00:21:22.329
it kind of fucked up that.
422
00:21:22.230 --> 00:21:23.869
We have to do that.
423
00:21:24.269 --> 00:21:26.589
In order for kids to get cancer treatment? Isn't it
424
00:21:26.650 --> 00:21:29.829
kind of fucked up that we don't just pay for
425
00:21:29.849 --> 00:21:33.329
the fucking mosquito nets? And, you know, and like they're
426
00:21:33.349 --> 00:21:35.569
comparing it to it's like, isn't it great that Timmy
427
00:21:35.970 --> 00:21:40.180
was was given a reprieve from the orphan crushing machine?
428
00:21:41.509 --> 00:21:44.210
Isn't that great? And it's like, why don't we dismantle
429
00:21:44.250 --> 00:21:47.170
the orphan crushing machine? Let's get rid of that.
430
00:21:47.549 --> 00:21:50.369
But what about the shareholders? What about my investment?
431
00:21:51.490 --> 00:21:55.390
What about the flies and the microbes? Yeah, but every
432
00:21:55.410 --> 00:21:57.950
time I see one of those things, I'm happy for
433
00:21:57.970 --> 00:22:00.599
the individual and their family. I'm like, great. Thank God.
434
00:22:00.799 --> 00:22:03.940
But then here's Twain saying, why are we thanking God?
435
00:22:03.980 --> 00:22:08.470
Let's fix the fucking problem. And not just be like, Oh,
436
00:22:08.509 --> 00:22:12.630
if you pray to God enough, then little Timmy will
437
00:22:13.210 --> 00:22:15.690
randomly be chosen not to get crushed in the orphan
438
00:22:15.710 --> 00:22:16.170
crushing machine.
439
00:22:16.609 --> 00:22:20.849
Right, right. This celebrity died and she left her children
440
00:22:20.910 --> 00:22:23.049
in terrible debt. And so we do a GoFundMe and
441
00:22:23.069 --> 00:22:26.579
we give the children money. And yeah, why do we
442
00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:29.000
allow that to happen to begin with? Yeah. Yeah. Why
443
00:22:29.019 --> 00:22:30.980
don't we just fix it so that child actors don't
444
00:22:31.019 --> 00:22:34.619
grow up into poverty and leave their children with nothing? Yeah.
445
00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:39.930
This little girl was going to school every day and
446
00:22:39.990 --> 00:22:41.869
she didn't have enough money for lunch because her family
447
00:22:41.890 --> 00:22:43.849
didn't have enough money for lunch. And so, oh, isn't
448
00:22:43.890 --> 00:22:46.690
it sweet? Isn't it cute? All of her classmates, you know,
449
00:22:46.730 --> 00:22:49.349
pitched in together and they made her, you know, like
450
00:22:51.589 --> 00:22:53.549
a feast for her birthday.
451
00:22:53.569 --> 00:22:54.319
Great. Awesome.
452
00:22:54.539 --> 00:22:57.400
How about she be able to eat for free every
453
00:22:57.420 --> 00:22:57.839
fucking day?
454
00:22:58.299 --> 00:22:58.440
Right.
455
00:22:58.559 --> 00:23:00.000
And every kid be able to eat for free every
456
00:23:00.039 --> 00:23:03.380
fucking day. But, oh, let's share this story all over.
457
00:23:03.299 --> 00:23:06.589
The place, right? Right. And there's like no good moment
458
00:23:06.609 --> 00:23:07.809
to be the wet blanket and be like.
459
00:23:08.269 --> 00:23:08.450
No.
460
00:23:08.769 --> 00:23:08.930
Yeah.
461
00:23:09.130 --> 00:23:12.109
Because then you're the asshole for bringing everybody down by
462
00:23:12.230 --> 00:23:14.190
pointing out that, hey, there's still an orphan crushing machine.
463
00:23:14.390 --> 00:23:15.549
Right. I like that.
464
00:23:15.990 --> 00:23:16.150
Yeah.
465
00:23:16.250 --> 00:23:16.410
Yeah.
466
00:23:17.210 --> 00:23:21.950
Yeah. So dismantle the machine, folks. Anyway. But yeah. Twain says,
467
00:23:22.119 --> 00:23:25.259
Satan says, Very well. Six thousand years ago, Shem was
468
00:23:25.299 --> 00:23:29.660
full of hookworms, microscopic in size, invisible to the unaided eye.
469
00:23:30.339 --> 00:23:33.640
All of the creator's specially deadly disease producers are invisible.
470
00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:37.140
It is an ingenious idea. For thousands of years, it
471
00:23:37.180 --> 00:23:39.480
kept man from getting at the roots of his maladies
472
00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:42.200
and defeated his attempts to master them. It is only
473
00:23:42.279 --> 00:23:45.400
very recently that science has succeeded in exposing some of
474
00:23:45.460 --> 00:23:48.220
these treacheries. So I like that. So this is Twain's
475
00:23:48.440 --> 00:23:50.700
time peeking in, saying it's like very recently have we
476
00:23:50.740 --> 00:23:52.220
discovered germ theory.
477
00:23:52.599 --> 00:23:53.440
Mm-hmm.
478
00:23:53.559 --> 00:23:56.799
Well, I mean, comparatively recently. Right. I think by Twain's time. Yeah.
479
00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:59.839
In the Bible, it's just wickedness, I suppose. Right. Yeah.
480
00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:00.619
That's the solution.
481
00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:01.089
Mm-hmm.
482
00:24:01.180 --> 00:24:01.309
Mm-hmm.
483
00:24:02.380 --> 00:24:04.799
The very latest of these blessed triumphs of science is
484
00:24:04.859 --> 00:24:09.440
the discovery and identification of the ambuscaded assassin, which goes
485
00:24:09.480 --> 00:24:13.480
by the name of the hookworm. Its special prey is
486
00:24:13.500 --> 00:24:17.380
the barefooted poor. It lies in wait in warm regions
487
00:24:17.440 --> 00:24:20.819
and sandy places and digs its way into their unprotected feet.
488
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:23.599
The hookworm was discovered two or three years ago by
489
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:26.319
a physician who had been patiently studying its victims for
490
00:24:26.359 --> 00:24:29.619
a long time. The disease induced by the hookworm had
491
00:24:29.660 --> 00:24:31.480
been doing its evil work here and there in the
492
00:24:31.519 --> 00:24:34.339
earth ever since Shem landed on Ararat, but it was
493
00:24:34.380 --> 00:24:37.019
never suspected to be a disease at all. The people
494
00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:40.259
who had it were merely supposed to be lazy and
495
00:24:40.299 --> 00:24:43.059
were therefore despised and made fun of when they should
496
00:24:43.079 --> 00:24:47.640
have been pitied. The hookworm is a peculiarly... God damn it, Twain.
497
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:56.170
The hookworm is a peculiarly... That was it. Peculiarly? Peculiar...
498
00:24:55.960 --> 00:24:57.200
It's a what-a-way. It's a what-a-way.
499
00:24:58.740 --> 00:25:01.789
The hookworm. You just have to, you did it once earlier,
500
00:25:01.829 --> 00:25:03.190
so you just have to copy and paste it for
501
00:25:03.210 --> 00:25:04.309
the whole episode.
502
00:25:04.410 --> 00:25:10.289
Yes. The hookworm is a peculiarly sneaking and underhanded invention
503
00:25:10.529 --> 00:25:13.849
and has done its surreptitious work unmolested for ages. But
504
00:25:13.890 --> 00:25:16.630
that physician and his helpers will exterminate it now. God
505
00:25:16.690 --> 00:25:18.609
is back of this. He has been thinking about it
506
00:25:18.670 --> 00:25:21.890
for 6,000 years and making up his mind. The idea
507
00:25:21.950 --> 00:25:25.730
of exterminating the hookworm was his. He came very near
508
00:25:25.769 --> 00:25:28.490
doing it before Dr. Charles Wardell Stiles did. But he
509
00:25:28.619 --> 00:25:30.259
is in time to get the credit of it. He
510
00:25:30.420 --> 00:25:30.940
always is.
511
00:25:31.319 --> 00:25:33.900
So, yes, God will get the credit for the eradication
512
00:25:33.980 --> 00:25:36.440
of the hookworm because God, it's all of God's plan.
513
00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:40.019
But it must have been God's plan that it was
514
00:25:40.079 --> 00:25:43.099
ruinous for everybody for, you know, the entirety of mankind.
515
00:25:43.259 --> 00:25:46.480
And this is what Twain is pointing out. Right.
516
00:25:46.680 --> 00:25:51.220
So, hookworm, I listened to a podcast called Stuff You
517
00:25:51.240 --> 00:25:53.160
Should Know, which is really great. It's a general interest podcast.
518
00:25:53.380 --> 00:25:56.049
And one of their episodes, they're based in Atlanta. And
519
00:25:56.289 --> 00:25:59.390
they they pointed out how a lot of the southern
520
00:25:59.430 --> 00:26:02.670
stereotypes we have, just as Twain is talking about, about laziness,
521
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:06.119
like both with like poor whites and then poor blacks
522
00:26:06.279 --> 00:26:08.740
in the south with laziness might have had to do
523
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:12.900
with their hookworm epidemic. Oh, yeah. So that was, you know,
524
00:26:13.180 --> 00:26:15.549
so nowadays, you know, people don't go around in, you know,
525
00:26:15.710 --> 00:26:18.609
in the country without shoes, but. That might have been
526
00:26:19.089 --> 00:26:20.710
a big part of it, like thinking about, oh, everybody
527
00:26:20.730 --> 00:26:23.680
just talks slow and is, like, lazy and, you know,
528
00:26:23.720 --> 00:26:25.859
seems slow-witted. And it was, you know, a couple of
529
00:26:25.900 --> 00:26:27.140
generations of, yeah, hookworm.
530
00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:28.279
Oh, God.
531
00:26:28.299 --> 00:26:29.259
Mm-hmm.
532
00:26:29.480 --> 00:26:34.180
I am looking at pictures of it now, which I— folks,
533
00:26:33.140 --> 00:26:36.849
which I do not recommend. You can literally see it, like,
534
00:26:36.930 --> 00:26:39.170
just a long red string underneath the skin of the foot.
535
00:26:39.190 --> 00:26:39.529
Right.
536
00:26:39.609 --> 00:26:42.069
It's, oh, God, it looks like it hurts. Ah, my
537
00:26:42.089 --> 00:26:43.990
feet are hurting right now just looking at it. Yeah.
538
00:26:44.009 --> 00:26:46.740
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's from walking around in kind of muddy,
539
00:26:46.880 --> 00:26:49.190
muddy situations. So, like, you know, dirt roads that, when
540
00:26:49.230 --> 00:26:51.569
it's wet enough, become muddy. And that's your only way
541
00:26:51.609 --> 00:26:55.730
to and from, you know, your place to the town,
542
00:26:55.750 --> 00:26:57.410
you know, to the shop, to even the doctor's office,
543
00:26:57.430 --> 00:26:59.109
and you can get hookworm everywhere. Yeah.
544
00:26:59.289 --> 00:27:02.700
And I'm sure, I mean, like, yeah, when there were slaves,
545
00:27:02.740 --> 00:27:09.599
they were afflicted with this and accused of being, quote-unquote, lazy. Right.
546
00:27:09.859 --> 00:27:13.119
Yeah. Oh, God. God. And so it's associated with the South, and,
547
00:27:13.740 --> 00:27:15.980
you know... So they were pointing this out because they're
548
00:27:16.000 --> 00:27:17.400
from Atlanta, and they're like, you know, Atlanta is a
549
00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:19.849
great metropolis of, you know, it's just as sophisticated as
550
00:27:19.869 --> 00:27:23.470
Philadelphia or wherever. But, yeah, but that, like, generations later,
551
00:27:23.509 --> 00:27:25.650
they're still living with that stereotype. And, yeah, and then
552
00:27:25.670 --> 00:27:29.430
when it's racialized, obviously, like you're saying, it's even more pernicious. Oh, God.
553
00:27:29.589 --> 00:27:30.269
Eesh. Eesh.
554
00:27:30.549 --> 00:27:30.789
Okay.
555
00:27:30.849 --> 00:27:32.680
Well, there we go. Hookworms, folks.
556
00:27:33.460 --> 00:27:35.519
So Twain would be familiar with that stereotype, obviously.
557
00:27:35.660 --> 00:27:36.400
He would be very familiar.
558
00:27:36.420 --> 00:27:36.900
Missouri, right.
559
00:27:37.319 --> 00:27:39.299
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Ay-yi-yi.
560
00:27:39.599 --> 00:27:39.859
Okay.
561
00:27:39.980 --> 00:27:43.039
So. He continues, he says, it is going to cost
562
00:27:43.119 --> 00:27:46.099
a million dollars. He was probably just in the act
563
00:27:46.220 --> 00:27:49.039
of contributing that sum when a man pushed in ahead
564
00:27:49.059 --> 00:27:50.940
of him, as usual, Mr. Rockefeller.
565
00:27:51.519 --> 00:27:54.000
So God was about to give that money, and he
566
00:27:54.019 --> 00:27:57.589
didn't have to because Rockefeller did. God was patting his
567
00:27:58.690 --> 00:28:01.269
pants pockets going, oh, it must be around here somewhere.
568
00:28:03.130 --> 00:28:03.630
My wallet.
569
00:28:05.089 --> 00:28:08.029
Let there be my wallet.
570
00:28:08.349 --> 00:28:09.430
No, not that fast, not that fast.
571
00:28:09.720 --> 00:28:10.619
Yes.
572
00:28:12.519 --> 00:28:15.400
God comes back from the bathroom after dinner as Rockefeller's
573
00:28:15.420 --> 00:28:16.380
paying the... No!
574
00:28:17.460 --> 00:28:17.700
Oh.
575
00:28:17.880 --> 00:28:18.880
No, not again.
576
00:28:18.900 --> 00:28:21.539
You got it the last time. Yes, and the time
577
00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:26.059
before that. And because he can see all and know all,
578
00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:27.880
he knew exactly how long to wait in the bathroom.
579
00:28:28.380 --> 00:28:28.960
Oh, yes, yes.
580
00:28:30.809 --> 00:28:35.630
Oh, jeez. I tell you, him and Philippe Lebel.
581
00:28:35.670 --> 00:28:37.069
Right, Philippe Lebel. Yep, yep, yep.
582
00:28:38.579 --> 00:28:41.069
But yeah, as usual, Mr. Rockefeller, he furnishes the million,
583
00:28:41.400 --> 00:28:45.089
but the credit will go elsewhere, as usual. This morning's
584
00:28:45.130 --> 00:28:49.009
journal tells us something about the hookworm's operations. Okay, this
585
00:28:49.029 --> 00:28:54.400
is what Twain understood about the hookworm. The hookworm parasites
586
00:28:54.519 --> 00:28:56.960
often so lower the vitality of those who are affected
587
00:28:57.299 --> 00:29:00.220
as to retard their physical and mental development, render them
588
00:29:00.279 --> 00:29:03.579
more susceptible to other diseases, make labor less efficient, and,
589
00:29:03.700 --> 00:29:06.410
in the sections where the malady is most prevalent— greatly
590
00:29:06.470 --> 00:29:10.490
increased the death rate from consumption, pneumonia, typhoid fever, and malaria.
591
00:29:11.210 --> 00:29:13.799
It has been shown that the lowered vitality of multitudes
592
00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:18.019
long attributed to malaria and climate and seriously affecting economic
593
00:29:18.039 --> 00:29:21.859
development is in fact due in some districts to this parasite.
594
00:29:22.460 --> 00:29:25.279
The disease is by no means confined to any one class.
595
00:29:25.640 --> 00:29:27.940
It takes its toll of suffering and death from the
596
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:31.180
highly intelligent and well-to-do as well as from the less fortunate.
597
00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:34.230
It is a conservative estimate that two millions of our
598
00:29:34.269 --> 00:29:37.329
people are affected by this parasite. The disease is more
599
00:29:37.369 --> 00:29:40.140
common and more serious in children of school age. than
600
00:29:40.259 --> 00:29:45.519
in other persons. Widespread and serious as the infection is,
601
00:29:45.839 --> 00:29:49.000
there is still a most encouraging outlook. This disease can
602
00:29:49.019 --> 00:29:52.920
be easily recognized, readily and effectively treated, and by simple
603
00:29:53.079 --> 00:29:57.849
and proper sanitary precautions successfully prevented. And then brackets, with
604
00:29:57.910 --> 00:30:01.359
God's help. The poor children are under the eye, capital E,
605
00:30:01.619 --> 00:30:04.019
that never sleeps, you see. They have had that ill
606
00:30:04.059 --> 00:30:07.660
luck in all the ages. They and the Lord's poor,
607
00:30:08.089 --> 00:30:10.549
as the sarcastic phrase goes, have never been able to
608
00:30:10.569 --> 00:30:14.670
get away from that eye's attentions. Yes, the poor, the humble,
609
00:30:14.750 --> 00:30:17.670
the ignorant, they are the ones that catch it. Take
610
00:30:17.710 --> 00:30:21.930
the sleeping sickness of Africa. This atrocious cruelty has for
611
00:30:22.049 --> 00:30:26.390
its victims a race of, as Twain puts it, ignorant
612
00:30:26.509 --> 00:30:29.490
and unoffending blacks, whom God placed in a remote wilderness
613
00:30:29.670 --> 00:30:32.849
and bent his parental eye upon them, the one that
614
00:30:32.869 --> 00:30:35.099
never sleeps when there is a chance to breed sorrow
615
00:30:35.119 --> 00:30:37.559
for somebody. He arranged for these people before the flood.
616
00:30:38.079 --> 00:30:40.980
The chosen agent was a fly, related to the Titsi.
617
00:30:41.460 --> 00:30:43.500
The Titsi is a fly, which has command of the
618
00:30:43.519 --> 00:30:47.220
Zambezi country, and stings cattle and horses to death, thus
619
00:30:47.400 --> 00:30:51.339
rendering that region uninhabitable by man. The Titsi's awful relative
620
00:30:51.380 --> 00:30:56.240
deposits a microbe which produces the sleeping sickness, ham, that's
621
00:30:56.539 --> 00:30:59.910
Noah's other son, Ham, was full of these microbes. And
622
00:30:59.950 --> 00:31:03.250
when the voyage was over, he discharged them in Africa.
623
00:31:03.529 --> 00:31:07.549
And the havoc began, never to find amelioration until 6,000
624
00:31:07.549 --> 00:31:10.099
years should go by, and science should pry into the
625
00:31:10.130 --> 00:31:12.700
mystery and hunt out the cause of the disease. The
626
00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:15.420
pious nations are now thanking God and praising him for
627
00:31:15.480 --> 00:31:18.420
coming to the rescue of his poor, as Dwayne puts it, blacks.
628
00:31:19.019 --> 00:31:21.240
The pulpit says the praise is due to him. He
629
00:31:21.349 --> 00:31:24.589
is surely a curious being. He commits a fearful crime,
630
00:31:24.930 --> 00:31:28.170
continues that crime unbroken for 6,000 years, and is then
631
00:31:28.250 --> 00:31:31.650
entitled to praise because he suggests to somebody else to
632
00:31:31.890 --> 00:31:34.869
modify its severities. He is called patient, and he certainly
633
00:31:34.990 --> 00:31:37.109
must be patient, or he would have sunk the pulpit
634
00:31:37.210 --> 00:31:39.890
in perdition ages ago for the ghastly compliments it pays him.
635
00:31:40.710 --> 00:31:44.099
Science has this to say about the sleeping sickness, otherwise called, oh,
636
00:31:44.970 --> 00:31:46.230
I didn't know it was called that back in the day.
637
00:31:46.849 --> 00:31:50.450
According to Twain, the N-word lethargy.
638
00:31:50.710 --> 00:31:51.910
Well, one of the N-words.
639
00:31:52.099 --> 00:31:52.599
One of the N-words.
640
00:31:52.619 --> 00:31:53.059
The lesser N-word.
641
00:31:54.609 --> 00:31:57.329
If there is such a thing. And then the next
642
00:31:57.410 --> 00:31:59.890
bit is in italics for me. Is it that way
643
00:31:59.930 --> 00:32:00.150
for you?
644
00:32:00.410 --> 00:32:00.609
Yes.
645
00:32:01.009 --> 00:32:01.569
Okay, so this is.
646
00:32:02.009 --> 00:32:03.890
Like he's quoting, but I don't know if we have
647
00:32:03.930 --> 00:32:04.769
what he's actually quoting.
648
00:32:04.829 --> 00:32:08.529
Yeah. It looks like a medical book or something like that. Okay,
649
00:32:08.569 --> 00:32:11.809
so this is Twain quoting Satan, quoting a medical book,
650
00:32:11.990 --> 00:32:15.410
I think. Quote, It is characterized by periods of sleep
651
00:32:15.470 --> 00:32:18.460
recurring at intervals. The disease lasts from four months to
652
00:32:18.500 --> 00:32:21.039
four years and is always fatal. The victim appears at
653
00:32:21.079 --> 00:32:24.950
first languid, weak, pallid, and stupid. His eyelids become puffy.
654
00:32:25.309 --> 00:32:28.650
An eruption appears on his skin. He falls asleep while talking, eating,
655
00:32:28.730 --> 00:32:31.589
or working. As the disease progresses, he is fed with
656
00:32:31.650 --> 00:32:35.930
difficulty and becomes much emaciated. The failure of nutrition and
657
00:32:35.990 --> 00:32:39.230
the appearance of bed sores are followed by convulsions and death.
658
00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:42.740
Some patients become insane. And then this is Satan again.
659
00:32:43.279 --> 00:32:45.519
It is he whom church and people call our father
660
00:32:45.559 --> 00:32:47.920
in heaven who has invented the fly and sent him
661
00:32:47.960 --> 00:32:51.420
to inflict this dreary long misery and melancholy and wretchedness
662
00:32:51.880 --> 00:32:54.599
and decay of body and mind upon a poor... Twain
663
00:32:54.619 --> 00:32:57.380
says savage, who has done the great criminal no harm.
664
00:32:58.160 --> 00:33:02.019
The great criminal being capitalized, GC. Calling God a great criminal.
665
00:33:02.160 --> 00:33:02.640
Yeah, yeah.
666
00:33:03.880 --> 00:33:05.839
There isn't a man in the world who doesn't pity
667
00:33:05.920 --> 00:33:08.619
the poor black sufferer. And there isn't a man that
668
00:33:08.640 --> 00:33:10.940
wouldn't make him whole if he could. To find the
669
00:33:11.059 --> 00:33:13.279
one person who has no pity for him, you must
670
00:33:13.339 --> 00:33:16.720
go to heaven. To find the one person who is
671
00:33:16.779 --> 00:33:18.890
able to heal him and couldn't be persuaded to do it,
672
00:33:19.160 --> 00:33:21.420
you must go to the same place. There is only
673
00:33:21.589 --> 00:33:23.950
one father cruel enough to afflict his child with that
674
00:33:23.990 --> 00:33:27.809
terrible disease. Only one. Not all the eternities can produce
675
00:33:27.869 --> 00:33:31.349
another one. Do you like reproachful, poetical indignations warmly expressed?
676
00:33:31.569 --> 00:33:33.339
Here is one, hot from the heart of a slave.
677
00:33:33.839 --> 00:33:36.539
Yeah, and this means slave just as humankind in general,
678
00:33:36.599 --> 00:33:39.319
not an African slave or someone from Africa here.
679
00:33:39.500 --> 00:33:40.880
Right, who was abducted and enslaved.
680
00:33:41.039 --> 00:33:42.740
Right, so they're all, yeah, all of humanity is a
681
00:33:42.740 --> 00:33:43.799
slave to this great criminal.
682
00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:49.750
Yes, yeah. And then this particular one is Scottish poet
683
00:33:49.869 --> 00:33:55.390
Robert Burns. And he says, man's inhumanity to man makes
684
00:33:55.470 --> 00:34:01.250
countless thousands mourn. So Twain's Satan has quoted.
685
00:34:02.750 --> 00:34:03.069
This guy.
686
00:34:03.869 --> 00:34:05.369
And he continues. He says, I will tell you a
687
00:34:05.390 --> 00:34:07.589
pleasant tale which has in it a touch of pathos.
688
00:34:08.110 --> 00:34:10.190
A man got religion and asked the priest what he
689
00:34:10.250 --> 00:34:12.409
must do to be worthy of his new state. The
690
00:34:12.429 --> 00:34:15.010
priest said, imitate our father in heaven. Learn to be
691
00:34:15.050 --> 00:34:18.389
like him. The man studied his Bible diligently and thoroughly
692
00:34:18.530 --> 00:34:22.179
and understandingly, and then, with prayers for heavenly guidance, instituted
693
00:34:22.239 --> 00:34:25.980
his imitations. He tricked his wife into falling downstairs, and
694
00:34:26.019 --> 00:34:27.639
she broke her back and became a paralytic for life.
695
00:34:28.159 --> 00:34:30.480
He betrayed his brother into the hands of a sharper
696
00:34:30.739 --> 00:34:32.550
who robbed him of his all and landed him in
697
00:34:32.590 --> 00:34:35.090
the almshouse. What is a sharper?
698
00:34:35.110 --> 00:34:36.469
Um, I don't know.
699
00:34:36.670 --> 00:34:39.130
A person who cheats and swindles others. Ah, like a
700
00:34:39.150 --> 00:34:39.449
con man.
701
00:34:39.730 --> 00:34:39.949
I see.
702
00:34:40.130 --> 00:34:42.320
Okay, so betrayed his brother into the hands of a conman,
703
00:34:42.360 --> 00:34:44.280
a sharper, who robbed him of his all and landed
704
00:34:44.320 --> 00:34:47.480
him in the almshouse. He inoculated one son with hookworms,
705
00:34:47.900 --> 00:34:51.579
another with a sleeping sickness, another with gonorrhea. He furnished
706
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:54.940
one daughter with scarlet fever and ushered her into her teens, deaf, dumb,
707
00:34:55.019 --> 00:34:58.179
and blind for life. And after helping a rascal seduce
708
00:34:58.300 --> 00:35:01.260
the remaining one, he closed his doors against her and
709
00:35:01.309 --> 00:35:03.710
she died in a brothel cursing him. Then he reported
710
00:35:03.769 --> 00:35:06.110
to the priest, who said that that was no way
711
00:35:06.150 --> 00:35:08.369
to imitate his father in heaven. The convert asked wherein
712
00:35:08.409 --> 00:35:10.619
he had failed. But the priest changed the subject and
713
00:35:10.659 --> 00:35:12.320
inquired what kind of weather he was having up his way.
714
00:35:13.360 --> 00:35:16.150
Everybody talks about heavenly weather, but nobody does anything about it.
715
00:35:16.380 --> 00:35:16.840
Yeah.
716
00:35:17.530 --> 00:35:17.780
Okay.
717
00:35:17.820 --> 00:35:22.329
So I feel like I've heard this anecdote before. Is
718
00:35:22.510 --> 00:35:25.630
Twain the first one to have a guy go to
719
00:35:25.670 --> 00:35:29.630
a priest and say, like, hey, what should I do
720
00:35:30.050 --> 00:35:31.590
to be a good person? And the priest says, be
721
00:35:31.630 --> 00:35:33.630
more like God. And then he goes and does terrible,
722
00:35:33.670 --> 00:35:36.349
horrible things. And the priest is like, what are you doing?
723
00:35:36.389 --> 00:35:38.730
It's like, I'm being more like God, according to the Bible.
724
00:35:39.739 --> 00:35:44.400
I've heard this, I've heard this anecdote before, but do
725
00:35:44.420 --> 00:35:46.820
you think this is, it sounds like you haven't.
726
00:35:47.280 --> 00:35:48.980
No, no, no. That was new to me.
727
00:35:49.639 --> 00:35:51.800
I wonder if this is the first instance of it.
728
00:35:52.199 --> 00:35:52.380
Yeah.
729
00:35:52.460 --> 00:35:56.019
Yeah. Okay. So what did we, what did we think
730
00:35:56.099 --> 00:35:56.539
of this letter?
731
00:35:56.659 --> 00:36:00.000
It's a pretty surprising branch off of the Noah story, right?
732
00:36:00.019 --> 00:36:02.840
To then go into the nature of disease and, and, um,
733
00:36:03.340 --> 00:36:06.800
and the nature of, uh, suffering and God's relation to man. It's,
734
00:36:06.880 --> 00:36:08.940
it's really interesting. It's, Because, again, like how short the
735
00:36:08.980 --> 00:36:10.619
Noah's Ark story is and now to use this as
736
00:36:10.659 --> 00:36:14.110
this jumping off point is very interesting and, you know,
737
00:36:14.409 --> 00:36:15.280
very shocking where he takes it.
738
00:36:15.289 --> 00:36:21.730
Yeah, yeah. And, I mean, this is posthumously published. I
739
00:36:21.789 --> 00:36:26.719
almost want to assume that he planned to maybe cover
740
00:36:26.739 --> 00:36:29.389
the whole Bible. and maybe there were other, you know,
741
00:36:29.429 --> 00:36:32.150
places that he could, you know, that he could talk about, right. The, the,
742
00:36:32.190 --> 00:36:35.110
the cruelties of racism and the, and, um, uh, the
743
00:36:35.130 --> 00:36:37.380
way that, um, uh, the poor are treated and everything
744
00:36:37.389 --> 00:36:40.780
like that. But, but maybe not, maybe, I mean, you know,
745
00:36:40.800 --> 00:36:41.760
maybe we're going to get to the end of this
746
00:36:41.780 --> 00:36:43.849
thing and realize like, oh, that was the perfect place to, to,
747
00:36:43.900 --> 00:36:44.900
to put it was here.
748
00:36:45.199 --> 00:36:50.190
Um, yeah. And again, it's like such a unambiguously, uh,
749
00:36:50.260 --> 00:36:52.960
you know, cut black and white story, Noah's Ark, right?
750
00:36:53.340 --> 00:36:55.530
Everything that God does is great. God saves humanity.
751
00:36:55.719 --> 00:36:57.780
From the orphan crushing machine.
752
00:36:58.750 --> 00:37:01.710
Right. That is very interesting. And yeah, I'm constantly surprised
753
00:37:01.750 --> 00:37:05.309
how in this whole Twain season we're doing, how able
754
00:37:05.349 --> 00:37:06.030
he is to shock me.
755
00:37:06.630 --> 00:37:06.829
Yeah.
756
00:37:07.369 --> 00:37:07.550
Yeah.
757
00:37:08.150 --> 00:37:12.030
It is, like, it is not at all like, like,
758
00:37:13.230 --> 00:37:16.650
like the Twain I knew, right? But, but I guess that's,
759
00:37:16.849 --> 00:37:22.110
that's partially why these works are so special and it like,
760
00:37:22.750 --> 00:37:26.750
you see a soft spot for, for humanity and a, a,
761
00:37:27.030 --> 00:37:29.929
a wish that, that things were better and that suffering
762
00:37:29.969 --> 00:37:33.260
was less and, and that, that people were less racist
763
00:37:33.320 --> 00:37:34.699
and more kind to each other and everything like that.
764
00:37:34.739 --> 00:37:37.000
You see that in his writings, but it's, it is
765
00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:39.280
the writings of, of somebody who has lost so many
766
00:37:39.320 --> 00:37:41.860
people and who is, is about to die himself. And
767
00:37:41.900 --> 00:37:46.710
he's just like, it's fucking Christianity, man. Like, like the hell,
768
00:37:46.889 --> 00:37:47.090
you know?
769
00:37:47.110 --> 00:37:47.670
Mm-hmm.
770
00:37:48.559 --> 00:37:51.679
Or at least people's constructed Christianity.
771
00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:54.099
Right. Or sure, as people are comforting him through all
772
00:37:54.119 --> 00:37:57.139
of his losses and potentially comforting him through his potential death.
773
00:37:57.989 --> 00:37:58.949
Oh, yeah. Right?
774
00:37:59.010 --> 00:37:59.590
Of course. Of course.
775
00:37:59.650 --> 00:38:02.369
Every single time he loses a loved one, they're going
776
00:38:02.389 --> 00:38:03.929
to be like, God works in mysterious ways.
777
00:38:04.110 --> 00:38:04.230
Right.
778
00:38:04.610 --> 00:38:06.769
And like, oh, God has a plan. And so, of course,
779
00:38:06.809 --> 00:38:08.750
that stuff is going to go into his writings. He's like, oh, yeah,
780
00:38:08.769 --> 00:38:09.780
this is God's plan.
781
00:38:11.480 --> 00:38:12.159
Wow. Yeah.
782
00:38:12.300 --> 00:38:13.840
Well, stick with us, folks. We've got some more letters
783
00:38:13.880 --> 00:38:16.500
to cover. But for now... This has been another episode
784
00:38:16.519 --> 00:38:18.219
of The Devil's Details. I've been Lester Ryan Clark. You
785
00:38:18.239 --> 00:38:20.349
can summon me on all the socials as Lester Ryan Clark.
786
00:38:20.530 --> 00:38:22.289
And I've been Kenan Diaz, and you can invoke me
787
00:38:22.389 --> 00:38:24.469
on Instagram and Letterboxd at HowdyKenan.
788
00:38:24.550 --> 00:38:26.369
Find more of our shows and other really cool podcasts
789
00:38:26.409 --> 00:38:28.949
at truestory.fm, or feel free to drop us a message
790
00:38:29.010 --> 00:38:31.989
at Banana for Scale Mail. That's M-A-I-L at gmail.com. We
791
00:38:32.010 --> 00:38:33.719
got our Facebook listener group, Banana for Scale. That's a
792
00:38:33.719 --> 00:38:35.900
community for all of our shows, including this one. It's
793
00:38:35.940 --> 00:38:37.460
a private group. I just request to join, and we'll
794
00:38:37.480 --> 00:38:39.480
let you into the infernal family. If you want more,
795
00:38:39.519 --> 00:38:41.840
consider joining us at truestory.fm slash join and look for
796
00:38:41.880 --> 00:38:42.380
Banana for Scale.
797
00:38:42.400 --> 00:38:42.690
That's us.
798
00:38:43.010 --> 00:38:44.750
You get bonus episodes of all our shows, access to
799
00:38:44.769 --> 00:38:46.349
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800
00:38:46.369 --> 00:38:47.230
and ad-free. Pretty cool.
801
00:38:47.269 --> 00:38:48.030
Just five bucks.
802
00:38:48.449 --> 00:38:50.409
Wouldst thou like to live deliciously? We're not even asking
803
00:38:50.449 --> 00:38:52.570
for your souls. Just give us a five pentagram rating
804
00:38:52.610 --> 00:38:54.690
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805
00:38:54.929 --> 00:38:56.320
That and sharing the show by word of mouth or
806
00:38:56.340 --> 00:38:57.760
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807
00:38:57.780 --> 00:39:00.719
grow and find more cool people like you. All right, folks.
808
00:39:00.780 --> 00:39:03.000
Until next week, love and hisses. Mwah! Mwah!