A Both/And Mindset

The Balcony View Audio Article- 12/05/2023

A Both/And Mindset: Synthesise polarities and stretch your leadership range

https://balconyview.substack.com/p/a-bothand-mindset

If you've ever received a 360-feedback report, what did you focus on first? I estimate that 95% of the people I've worked with scroll right to the bottom and scrutinise areas for improvement. Whilst this feedback can be invaluable for understanding growth opportunities, it can also cause us to underappreciate our strengths. Our brains have evolved to prioritise negative experiences over positive ones. When our ancestors lived on savannahs (approximately 2 million years ago), this kept us safe and away from danger. However, in the present day, this outdated operating system in our brains isn't so helpful. Like when reading your 360 and learning that one of your colleagues finds you "too direct." This happened to one of my clients, who immediately took it to mean that she should bring more of the opposite to her communication style. So, she suddenly stopped speaking up in meetings and began volunteering for fewer projects.

Before long, she was receiving the opposite feedback. People wanted her to bring more directness to her work. 

So, what happened? As many people do, my client read her 360 and interpreted "too direct" as bad. As a result, she marginalised the part of her that is 'direct' and focused on bringing the opposite, which in her case meant evasiveness. 

Leadership Range

This approach to feedback can lead us into binary thinking or a 'this or that' approach to leadership when, in fact, what excellent leadership needs is range. It's about knowing when to dial up directness and when to dial it down. The adult development company Andiron, which founded the Key Polarity Indicators Assessment, argues:

"Many leaders, teams, and organisations innocently and unconsciously approach polarities with an Either/Or mindset — either I have to do this or that. However, those using a Both/And mindset outperform those who don't. They direct and empower, exude competence and warmth, take action and step back to reflect. The key is knowing how."

As the company explains in a video discussing the power of a Both/And mindset: 

"Polarities are seemingly opposite states that must co-exist over time if we are to be successful. They require a Both/And mindset, because leaning too heavily in one direction or the other will likely lead us into trouble."

Both/And is an integrated approach that allows us to zoom out and hold all qualities- even the so-called 'negative ones' - more neutrally. From this perspective, it's less about right or wrong, but rather, what does this situation call for? When we can value all qualities- even the ones we have marginalised within ourselves- we find great opportunities to stretch our leadership range. 

The Best of Both

In my own life, this approach has helped me to lean into parts of myself that I had previously marginalised. Fearful of being labelled bossy, I have spent much of my adult life defaulting to friendliness. This wasn't an intentional choice but rather an unconscious reaction to some early life experiences. I was confident as a young child and was often called bossy by teachers and other kids. This culminated in me playing the lead in the aptly named school Christmas production, 'The Bossy Christmas Fairy'. That role- more than anything else- cemented my status as bossy throughout primary school.

So, as I moved into secondary school and into the awkward teenage years, I came to over-rely on friendliness. I wasn't even aware of this pattern until my early 20s when an acting coach asked me why I was smiling in a scene where my Grandma had just died. This feedback absolutely dumbstruck me because I hadn't even realised I was smiling (!) It was just my default facial expression by that point.

This is not unique to me. Numerous women have reported being labelled ‘bossy’ or ‘feisty’ whilst their male counterparts were called ‘assertive’ or ‘decisive.’ Data from The Centre for Creative Leadership backs this up, revealing that 33% of women and 17% of men reported receiving feedback that they're "bossy" at work. Yet, when leaders were asked to think about a colleague they considered bossy, they were equally likely to describe a man. Simply put, women were twice as likely to be branded bossy in the workplace, even though they're no bossier. Over time, this stigmatising can discourage girls and women from owning their authority in the workplace and seeking leadership positions.

So given the unflattering gender stereotyping, I moved away from categorising all forms of assertiveness and confidence as 'bossy.' Instead, I've been working towards bringing more rigour into my work. Because sometimes a smile just isn't going to cut it! This brings me back to my point about leadership range. Friendliness is an excellent quality. However, as with all of our default qualities, there's a danger that it will become over-relied upon. And different circumstances require different parts of our leadership range to show up. So I began experimenting with bringing more rigour to my leadership style (something I discuss in this article). Yet, all too soon, the opposite began to show up. I became hyper-critical when my friendly, pleasing side appeared when facilitating workshops. I stopped seeing this quality as an ally for positive communication. 

Synthesise Polarities

This is why a Both/And mindset can be so helpful because it encourages us to honour both the primary quality (which in my case was friendliness) AND its opposite (which, for me, was rigour) and stops us from see-sawing from one extreme to the other. It's not an either/or approach; it's creating something new and embracing that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. A hybrid quality that allows for the best of both to co-exist. In my case, the hybrid quality that has emerged out of this blended approach is 'easy command': it is a stance that helps me to celebrate strength and grace in my leadership.

So where might a Both/And mindset help you in your life? Take a moment to think about the following:

* What quality, however positive, do you overly upon?

* What is the opposite of this quality? How might it be useful?

* And how might you bring a blend of these qualities into your life?