Full Transcript for Hello?

The return smile completes something. 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:10.879 Which gives you the handshake, naturally, I mean, because the handshake makes physically obvious what the smile was already doing invisibly. 00:07:11.199 --> 00:07:12.800 I put out my hand. 00:07:13.279 --> 00:07:14.959 Nothing has happened yet. 00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:16.560 You put out yours. 00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:18.800 Ah, now we have a handshake. 00:07:19.759 --> 00:07:27.519 Two people have agreed for perhaps two seconds to do this thing together. 00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:37.040 So when the telephone showed up in the 1870s, we suddenly had a problem. 00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:40.079 Not a technical problem. 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:47.839 I mean, Alexander Graham Bell and company had plenty of those, I'm sure, but we had a we had a people problem. 00:07:49.519 --> 00:07:55.439 Because now you could pick up this strange little machine and there was another human being in it. 00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:57.519 Okay. 00:07:58.000 --> 00:07:58.720 Now what? 00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:01.199 Think about it. 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:04.079 There wasn't any telephone etiquette yet. 00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:09.920 Nobody's mother had ever told them how to answer a telephone because nobody's mother had ever had a telephone. 00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:13.040 There were no rules. 00:08:14.079 --> 00:08:18.000 You couldn't see the other person, you couldn't smile at them, you couldn't wave. 00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:25.439 You couldn't look across the room and see Becky with the good hair and why the wonder why the hell Becky with the good hair wasn't smiling back at you. 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.279 You had a machine. 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:33.759 And somewhere, presumably, another person. 00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:42.000 So how do we establish that this thing has actually happened? 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:43.360 How do you know? 00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:45.039 How do I know you're there? 00:08:45.440 --> 00:08:47.120 How do you know I'm here? 00:08:49.519 --> 00:08:51.919 Alexander Graham Bell had an idea. 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:53.440 Ahoy. 00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:55.519 Yep. 00:08:56.080 --> 00:09:01.440 Bell apparently thought Ahoy was a perfectly good way for people to greet one another on the telephone. 00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:06.639 And you know what makes it kind of makes sense. 00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:12.320 I mean, Ahoy was already a way of attracting someone's attention over a distance. 00:09:13.120 --> 00:09:16.240 You're basically saying, hey, human over there. 00:09:16.559 --> 00:09:20.879 Which, come to think of it, you know, describes a telephone call pretty well. 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:25.039 But Bell did not win on this one. 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:27.759 Thomas Edison preferred hello. 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:34.879 And uh before we get it, you know, go further, Edison didn't invent the word hello. 00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:38.320 Versions of the word were already around before the telephone. 00:09:38.720

--> 00:09:48.720 Although they were used more as a way to get someone's attention, more like hey, than the kind of greeting we think about today. 00:09:49.519 --> 00:09:56.080 But in 1877, Edison actually wrote about using hello with the telephone, and eventually hello won. 00:09:57.919 --> 00:10:08.240 So Alexander Granville gave us the phone, and Thomas Edison apparently got to decide what the hell we were going to say into it, which really doesn't seem all that fair. 00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:19.279 But here's the interesting part the telephone didn't just give us a new machine, it created a completely new kind of human encounter. 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:25.519 For most of human history, if I was going to talk to you, there you were. 00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:33.840 I could see you, I could approach you, I could make eye contact, I could smile, I could wave, I could hold out my hand. 00:10:34.399 --> 00:10:37.679 I had all these little ways of saying, I see you. 00:10:38.639 --> 00:10:43.279 And you had all sorts of ways of saying, Yep, I see you too. 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:47.120 And the telephone took almost all of that away. 00:10:47.279 --> 00:10:49.759 Now there was just a voice. 00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:59.440 And before we could get to whatever it was we were really wanting to talk about, we needed some way to establish one very basic thing. 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:01.440 Are you there? 00:11:03.919 --> 00:11:08.879 Very often we say, Well, you know, here, think about this. 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:14.000 We rarely really answer the phone by saying hello. 00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:17.840 I mean, I I do. 00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:23.440 Most of the time, at least very often, I say hello. 00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:25.679 That's a question. 00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:27.200 Are you there? 00:11:27.360 --> 00:11:28.320 Can you hear me? 00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:31.120 Does this thing actually work? 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:33.200 Is this thing on? 00:11:34.960 --> 00:11:36.879 And then the other person answers. 00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:38.559 There you are. 00:11:38.879 --> 00:11:39.840 Contact. 00:11:40.399 --> 00:11:41.360 Agreement. 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:47.519 Two people who can't see each other have somehow managed to find each other through a wire. 00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:54.080 All because someone picked up a telephone and said, Well, uh, ahoy. 00:11:56.720 --> 00:11:58.320 So what happened? 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:09.759 How did we get from Alexander Graham Bell standing over there yelling ahoy at his own invention to practically the entire English speaking world picking up the telephone and saying hello? 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:18.399 And once again, sorry, Tom, Thomas Edison did not invent hello. 00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:22.639 In fact, hello showed up in print decades before the telephone. 00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:27.279 Merriam-Webster dates its first known news to 1834. 00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:35.360 And it seems to have grown out of older forms like hello, hello, hollow, hello, uh. 00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:39.919 But it wasn't really the nice, friendly greeting we think of now. 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:45.600 It was more of a an attention getter, like uh, hello, what's all this then? 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:48.480 You know, or an expression of surprise. 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:52.159 Hello, whoo, what the heck is that? 00:12:54.000 --> 00:13:01.519 Which now, you know, now I think about it, that's describes a significant portion of this show. 00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:05.360 So, I mean, so Edison didn't invent the word. 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:10.480 What he seems to have done was to give an existing word a new job. 00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:22.399 In 1877, right as people were trying to figure out what the heck they're supposed to do with these new telephone things, Edison said, hello, should be the word. 00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:25.679 Bell preferred Ahoy, as we mentioned. 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:32.720 And I really kind of wish we'd stuck with Alexander Graham Bell on this one, because look, imagine the possibilities. 00:13:33.120 --> 00:13:34.879 Doctor's office calls. 00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:40.240 Ahoy, Michael, we have your test results. 00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:42.480 Oh, your mother calls. 00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:45.519 Ahoy, why haven't you called me? 00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:47.759 Or the telemarketer. 00:13:47.919 --> 00:13:53.200 Uh Ahoy, we have been trying to reach you about your vehicle's extended warranty. 00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:57.039 And we gave up a lot, man, I think. 00:13:57.279 --> 00:13:58.559 But hello one. 00:14:00.559 --> 00:14:10.240 And here's where it gets really interesting because it wasn't simply Edison sitting in a laboratory saying, From this day forward, everyone shall say hello. 00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:12.639 Now, language doesn't work that way. 00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:14.559 People have to agree about it. 00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:26.159 And in 1878, just one year later, the District Telephone Company of New Haven published what is generally considered the first telephone directory. 00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:29.279 And it wasn't much of a directory. 00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:33.519 It was a single sheet of paper with about 50 names on it. 00:14:33.759 --> 00:14:35.919 And there were no phone numbers. 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:38.159 There weren't any. 00:14:38.639 --> 00:14:39.519 They didn't exist. 00:14:39.600 --> 00:14:42.799 You just called the operator and told them who you wanted. 00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:50.799 But that little sheet also contained instructions for this strange new activity called using a telephone. 00:14:51.039 --> 00:15:00.080 And it told subscribers to begin their conversations with a firm and cheery version of hello, spelled H-U-L-L-O-A. 00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:00.639 Hello. 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:02.720 There it is. 00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:04.000 That's it. 00:15:04.639 --> 00:15:07.440 The technology spread, the instructions spread. 00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:09.919 Telephone

operators used the word. 00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:12.639 People heard other people using it. 00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:26.080 And somewhere along the way, this word that basically meant hey, or what's that, became the completely ordinary thing one human being says when encountering another human being. 00:15:28.559 --> 00:15:29.200 Hello. 00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:32.080 And I love that. 00:15:32.639 --> 00:15:39.600 Because Edison may have helped get the whole thing moving, and the telephone companies certainly helped standardize it. 00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:44.559 But nobody actually sat down and invented modern hello. 00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:45.279 We did. 00:15:45.519 --> 00:15:46.399 People did. 00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:53.840 Millions of tiny tiny interactions gradually turned an attention getting noise into an agreement. 00:15:54.159 --> 00:15:56.960 I say hello, you say hello. 00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:00.879 And we all eventually all understand what just happened. 00:16:01.120 --> 00:16:04.559 Which brings us right back to Becky with the good hair. 00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:06.320 I smile. 00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:09.440 Becky with the good hair smiles. 00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:14.480 Neither one of us has said a word, but we've agreed on something. 00:16:14.720 --> 00:16:15.679 I see you. 00:16:16.480 --> 00:16:17.840 I see you two. 00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:22.480 And maybe that's the interesting thing about hello. 00:16:22.799 --> 00:16:24.799 The word isn't the agreement. 00:16:24.960 --> 00:16:28.320 The word is just one of the ways that we make that agreement. 00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:33.840 Although, for the record, Alexander Graham Bell still had the better one. 00:16:35.039 --> 00:16:35.840 Ahoy. 00:16:36.720 --> 00:16:37.840 You take drugs, Danny? 00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:38.480 Every day. 00:16:39.519 --> 00:16:40.480 So what's the problem? 00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:41.440 I don't know. 00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:42.480 I don't know. 00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:45.840 So apparently, you know, we don't really even need words. 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:47.200 We have hands. 00:16:48.559 --> 00:16:58.720 And somewhere along the way, human beings decided that one perfectly reasonable thing to do upon encountering another human being was to grab one of those hands and shake it. 00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:04.880 Which, if you've never seen anybody do it before, would be a very strange thing to watch. 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:05.680 Hello. 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:07.680 Give me your arm. 00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:13.119 But handshakes are old, really old. 00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:19.200 There are depictions of people clasping right hands going back to ancient Greece. 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:26.480 And variations of the gesture have shown up in different places and different periods for thousands of years. 00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:35.680 And you've probably heard the explanation that we shake with our right hands because the right hand was traditionally the weapon hand. 00:17:36.640 --> 00:17:40.400 You extend it, I can see there's no sword in it. 00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:45.519 Everybody relaxes, nobody gets stabbed, and we can go on with whatever we're doing. 00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:47.119 It's a great story. 00:17:52.079 --> 00:18:04.799 I mean, there are certainly long traditions of showing an empty hand as a sign of peaceful intent, and weapons were commonly carried and wielded in ways that made the right hand important. 00:18:05.519 --> 00:18:10.559 But nobody left us a note saying, Dear future people, this is why we invented the handshake. 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:11.599 You're welcome. 00:18:13.519 --> 00:18:20.640 So we don't really know that there was a moment or a place or one reason at all that created the handshake we use today. 00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:25.200 And the handshake hasn't always meant the same thing, anyway. 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:36.000 It can greet someone, it can congratulate someone, it can seal an agreement, it can reconcile two people, it can say goodbye. 00:18:37.920 --> 00:18:42.079 It can be formal, friendly, ceremonial. 00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:47.440 And sometimes it can mean, okay, we're done arguing about this, shake on it. 00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:54.240 Which is interesting because a handshake is something I can't do by myself. 00:18:55.200 --> 00:18:57.440 I can wave at you by myself. 00:18:58.400 --> 00:19:00.720 I can smile at you by myself. 00:19:01.599 --> 00:19:11.680 I can stand across the room smiling at enthusiastically at Becky with the good hair for 20 minutes while Becky with the good hair pretends she has never seen me before in her life. 00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:16.960 But I cannot shake your hand without your cooperation. 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:20.000 I can put my hand out. 00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:22.559 But that's not a handshake. 00:19:22.720 --> 00:19:23.839 That's an offer. 00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:26.000 You have to put yours out too. 00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:30.640 And once you do, just for a moment, we've agreed to something. 00:19:31.039 --> 00:19:36.079 And maybe all we've agreed to is, yeah, I see you, you see me, we're shaking hands now. 00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:38.079 But it's an agreement. 00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:48.640 And we know that because of how incredibly loud it can be when somebody refuses one. 00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:54.160 Hold out your hand to somebody and have them just look at it. 00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:56.400 Holy smokes. 00:19:56.880 --> 00:20:01.920 No one said anything, and somehow a great deal has just been said. 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:08.319 Of course, humans being humans, merely having a handshake wasn't enough. 00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:11.359 We started giving them vocabulary. 00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:14.880 We have business handshakes. 00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:17.680 There's uh two-handed handshakes. 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:25.920 A politician grabbing your hand with one hand and your elbow with the other, you know, apparently to make absolutely certain you can't

escape. 00:20:26.160 --> 00:20:30.079 There are fist bumps, there are elaborate hand slaps. 00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:32.880 There are secret handshakes. 00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:41.200 And secret handshakes are especially interesting because the greeting doesn't merely say I recognize you. 00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:45.359 It says I recognize you as one of us. 00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:47.680 And you have to know the secret. 00:20:47.920 --> 00:20:58.240 Maybe there's a particular grip or a movement of the fingers, a slap, a bump, some ridiculous little maneuver that would make absolutely no sense to anybody watching. 00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:01.200 But to the two people doing it, it means something. 00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:07.039 It means we share information or we belong to the same thing. 00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:10.000 And you know what I know. 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:13.680 It's like a password performed with your hands, right? 00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:16.880 And the same thing with waves. 00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:19.759 There's the regular wave. 00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:28.640 There's a tiny little wave when you don't want to attract anybody else's attention, really. 00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:32.160 Then there's the giant, oh my god, there you are wave. 00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:34.240 There's the royal wave. 00:21:35.759 --> 00:21:37.599 The princess wave, right? 00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:43.519 There's the little two-finger thing on the steering wheel when another driver lets you go. 00:21:47.440 --> 00:21:50.240 Someone can see the gesture and know who made it. 00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:55.119 Maybe even before they clearly see the person making it. 00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:57.680 Which is kind of remarkable when you think about it. 00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:02.240 Because we're Now we're right back to where we started. 00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:04.960 A curve in the highway. 00:22:06.400 --> 00:22:07.359 A bridge. 00:22:08.559 --> 00:22:10.160 A smile across a room. 00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:13.920 An outstretched hand, a ridiculous little wave. 00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:16.000 None of them have said a word. 00:22:16.960 --> 00:22:20.480 And yet somehow over and over again the message gets through. 00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:22.720 There you are. 00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:30.559 And sometimes apparently there you are means putting your mouth on another human being. 00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:38.000 Because human beings took one look at waving and shaking hands and decided, nope, we need more face. 00:22:40.799 --> 00:22:47.039 Kissing as a greeting is one of those things that seems completely ordinary if you grew up doing it. 00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:50.960 And astonishly intimate if you didn't. 00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:57.359 You walk into a room, someone comes towards you, they put their face very close to their your face. 00:22:57.519 --> 00:22:58.960 There may be contact. 00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:08.880 In certain places, there may be three. 00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:13.039 And somehow everybody's supposed to know what happens next. 00:23:13.759 --> 00:23:14.880 They do not. 00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:16.319 They lean left. 00:23:16.400 --> 00:23:17.519 You they lean right. 00:23:17.680 --> 00:23:18.799 You're both correct. 00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:21.839 Now you've both corrected in the same direction. 00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:26.720 And for one horrible moment you appear to be attempting to kiss each other directly on the mouth. 00:23:26.960 --> 00:23:28.640 Nobody intended that. 00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:36.400 Or perhaps one of you intended this, which you know creates an entirely different set of problems. 00:23:36.960 --> 00:23:45.279 And this is what happens when a culture creates a greeting that requires choreography, but refuses to provide rehearsal. 00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:51.279 The cheek kiss is not one universal gesture. 00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:57.599 It changes from country to country, region to region, family to family, sometimes even person to person. 00:23:58.319 --> 00:23:59.359 Is it one kiss? 00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:00.160 Is it two? 00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:00.960 Is it three? 00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:02.640 Which cheek goes first? 00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:05.759 Do the lips actually touch the cheek? 00:24:05.920 --> 00:24:09.759 Or do we merely put our cheeks near one another and kiss the atmosphere? 00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:11.039 Are we kissing? 00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:15.599 Or are we making small kissing noises beside somebody's ear? 00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:20.160 How long are we supposed to have known each other before any of this begins? 00:24:20.799 --> 00:24:22.799 Because that matters, right? 00:24:26.079 --> 00:24:27.920 A kiss can say hello. 00:24:28.960 --> 00:24:30.400 A kiss can say goodbye. 00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.480 A kiss can say congratulations. 00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:34.559 It can say welcome to the family. 00:24:35.279 --> 00:24:37.440 A kiss can say I love you. 00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:42.720 A kiss can say, I'm pretending to like you because there are other people watching. 00:24:43.519 --> 00:24:49.279 And occasionally a kiss can say, I have badly misunderstood the nature of this relationship. 00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:54.640 Once again, you know, the gesture of self doesn't contain one fixed message. 00:24:56.000 --> 00:25:02.880 The meaning comes from the people, the setting, the relationship, and the tiny agreement being made between them. 00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:07.519 Just like the handshake, a greeting kiss begins as an offer. 00:25:07.920 --> 00:25:10.720 Someone turns a cheek, someone leans in. 00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:20.160 And the other person has about half a second to determine which particular branch of human civilization civilization they've just entered. 00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:25.359 But if both people understand the offer, something remarkable happens. 00:25:28.079 --> 00:25:32.160 The distance between two human beings disappears. 00:25:33.440 --> 00:25:35.599 Not metaphorically, literally. 00:25:37.200 -->

00:25:41.440 For a moment, this person is close enough for you to feel the warmth of their face. 00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:46.559 You may smell their perfume or their aftershave, their shampoo, their lunch. 00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:53.119 You are allowing a person into a space we normally protect without ever talking about it. 00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:57.119 That's a very different hello from waving across a room. 00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:01.039 A wave says, I see you over there. 00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:07.839 A handshake says, I will meet you here at arm's length. 00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:13.279 A kiss says you may come closer. 00:26:14.480 --> 00:26:17.039 And there are even degrees within that. 00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:26.640 There's the polite social cheek kiss, the family kiss, the enthusiastic aunt who grabs both sides of your head, so there's absolutely no possibility of escape kiss. 00:26:28.160 --> 00:26:35.839 There's the air kiss, which may be the most carefully engineered greeting human beings have ever devised. 00:26:36.559 --> 00:26:41.680 It says, I'm going to perform intimacy without disturbing either your makeup or mine. 00:26:42.480 --> 00:26:45.519 It's you know affection with collision avoidance. 00:26:46.000 --> 00:26:48.400 Then there's the kiss on the top of the head. 00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:50.480 That one's different. 00:26:51.839 --> 00:26:55.680 You don't usually greet a stranger by kissing the top of their head. 00:26:56.079 --> 00:26:57.200 At least you shouldn't. 00:26:57.440 --> 00:26:59.119 I mean, there may be paperwork. 00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:09.279 But with someone you love, a child, a partner, someone tucked against you, it can say hello without asking them to look up. 00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:12.000 I know you're there. 00:27:12.559 --> 00:27:13.440 I'm here too. 00:27:15.599 --> 00:27:17.839 A kiss on the forehead can do the same thing. 00:27:18.480 --> 00:27:24.079 It can be tender, protective, reassuring. 00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:28.400 It may be a greeting, but it can also mean you don't have to do anything right now. 00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:30.640 I just wanted you to know I'm here. 00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:40.319 Well, the time is now, the time is here. 00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:42.400 Now's the time to provide a cheer. 00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:46.559 Well looking here, you think the sight. 00:27:47.519 --> 00:27:51.359 The moment for piece of candy, just name your friend their own friend. 00:27:51.519 --> 00:27:53.359 Hey, what do you think of an ice cream? 00:27:54.319 --> 00:27:56.720 On the big box filled with a popcorn drill. 00:27:57.200 --> 00:27:59.440 Let's taste that sniff with an ice cream treat. 00:28:02.319 --> 00:28:06.480 So come on, folks, let's join the band as we all hit for the big fresh man. 00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:44.559 Ahoy! Before a little break, we were discussing the many ways we say hello. 00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:49.039 We've now reached out to each other and we've hugged. 00:30:49.279 --> 00:30:53.519 And

you know, hugging may be the most structurally ambitious hello we have. 00:30:54.480 --> 00:31:06.480 A handshake requires one hand, a kiss requires some careful facial navigation, but a hug, a hug involves the whole front of a human body. 00:31:07.119 --> 00:31:14.559 You open both arms, expose your torso, you walk directly toward another person and trust they're gonna understand what the hell you're doing. 00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:17.759 It's an extraordinary gesture. 00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:22.000 And once again it begins as an offer. 00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:24.240 Arms open. 00:31:25.519 --> 00:31:27.759 That's not a hug, not yet. 00:31:28.319 --> 00:31:30.799 The other person has to open theirs. 00:31:31.839 --> 00:31:36.160 And then now we have another one of those tiny human agreements. 00:31:36.400 --> 00:31:38.640 Yes, we are doing this. 00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:44.000 Although even after that's been established, there are an alarming number of decisions to make. 00:31:44.160 --> 00:31:44.799 Holy smokes. 00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:46.000 Which arm goes over? 00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:47.599 Which arm goes under? 00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:50.160 Are we both going in the same direction? 00:31:50.400 --> 00:31:52.000 Is this a full hug? 00:31:52.559 --> 00:31:53.519 A side hug? 00:31:53.680 --> 00:31:55.039 A one-armed hug? 00:31:55.279 --> 00:31:56.880 Quick little shoulder squeeze? 00:31:57.039 --> 00:31:59.039 Are we patting each other on the back? 00:31:59.359 --> 00:32:01.839 If so, how many times? 00:32:02.400 --> 00:32:05.039 And most important, when does it end? 00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:08.480 Because the beginning of a hug is generally clear. 00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:12.640 The ending is negotiated pretty much entirely through pressure. 00:32:13.759 --> 00:32:17.519 One person begins to release, the other person does not. 00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:26.160 The first person relaxes again because apparently the hug is still happening, and the second person starts to release just as the first person is recommitted. 00:32:27.279 --> 00:32:29.680 Now no one knows what's going on. 00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:32.079 There should be a light. 00:32:32.240 --> 00:32:33.680 You know, like an elevator. 00:32:33.839 --> 00:32:34.960 Hug in progress. 00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:37.759 Please remain in position till doors open. 00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:45.920 And hugs have dialects, just like waves and handshakes and kisses. 00:32:46.559 --> 00:32:50.720 There's the careful polite hug between people who don't know each other very well. 00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:54.079 It mostly involves almost shoulders. 00:32:54.640 --> 00:32:57.200 More of a suggestion than an event, really. 00:32:58.160 --> 00:33:07.359 Then there's the side hug, which says, I'm fond of you, but circumstances have limited our available frontage. 00:33:09.440 --> 00:33:24.640 There's the one-armed man hug, often accompanied by a handshake trap somewhere in the middle, followed by several forceful blows on the back to reassure everyone that this is a display of affection that is also somehow a medical procedure. 00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:29.599 But definitely not, you know, two guys hugging. 00:33:30.960 --> 00:33:38.720 Then there's the hug from someone who's much taller than you, where your face disappears into their chest, and you simply have to accept that this is where you live now. 00:33:41.680 --> 00:33:51.680 Then there's the hug from a small child who hits you at full speed and attaches somewhere around your knees, and hopefully you can stay upright. 00:33:54.640 --> 00:33:58.160 There's the hug from someone who lifts you completely off the ground. 00:33:59.119 --> 00:34:02.160 That's a greeting and a surprise change in altitude. 00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:07.359 There's the hug from a person who's missed you. 00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:09.760 You know that hug immediately. 00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:11.679 It has weight. 00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:20.159 It doesn't merely say I recognize you, it says your absence has occupied space and now you're here. 00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:27.599 A hug may be the clearest physical expression of what a greeting actually does. 00:34:28.239 --> 00:34:34.400 For however long it lasts, two separate human beings create a boundary around themselves. 00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:40.239 Arms go around backs, heads settle near shoulders. 00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:45.119 The rest of the world is temporary temporarily placed on the outside. 00:34:47.760 --> 00:34:52.159 It's one of those few greetings that changes the shape of the people doing it. 00:34:53.119 --> 00:34:56.960 Before there's the hug, there are two figures approaching. 00:34:57.679 --> 00:34:59.679 During the hug there's one shape. 00:35:01.599 --> 00:35:05.599 Then the arms release, the shape separates, and there are two people again. 00:35:06.239 --> 00:35:08.159 But something's been exchanged. 00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:13.440 Warmth, pressure, scent, maybe reassurance. 00:35:14.239 --> 00:35:15.920 Maybe forgiveness. 00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:18.639 Maybe simply proof. 00:35:19.119 --> 00:35:20.000 You are here. 00:35:20.400 --> 00:35:21.360 You are real. 00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:30.960 That's why there can be such a difference between someone saying, It's good to see you, and someone crossing the room putting their arms around you and holding on. 00:35:33.039 --> 00:35:35.599 The words may be exactly true. 00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:40.400 But the hug makes them measurable. 00:35:41.840 --> 00:35:44.800 And sometimes the hug says what the person cannot. 00:35:46.239 --> 00:35:50.480 At hospitals, airports, funerals, front doors. 00:35:51.519 --> 00:35:56.159 There are moments when language is simply not capable of doing the job. 00:35:57.199 --> 00:35:59.199 There may be too much joy. 00:36:00.800 --> 00:36:02.639 There may be too much grief. 00:36:04.239 --> 00:36:07.920 There may be too much time between then and now. 00:36:09.119 --> 00:36:14.960 So the arms open, the other arms open, and

the conversation begins without a word. 00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:18.639 Of course, not everybody wants to be hugged, that matters too. 00:36:20.239 --> 00:36:23.760 An open pair of arms is still an offer, not a command. 00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:27.679 Sometimes the answer is a handshake, sometimes it's a wave. 00:36:28.639 --> 00:36:35.519 Sometimes it's a small step backwards that says with remarkable clarity, Now we will not be combining our torsos today. 00:36:36.320 --> 00:36:37.760 And that's an answer. 00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:44.079 Because every real greeting leaves room for the other person to respond. 00:36:44.320 --> 00:36:46.880 Otherwise it's not an agreement, it's an ambush. 00:36:49.119 --> 00:37:04.639 But when the other offer is welcome, when the person you love comes through the door or the friend you haven't seen appears across the room or somebody who knows what's happened to you simply opens their arms, the message is unmistakable. 00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:08.559 Not merely I see you, not merely you're here. 00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:11.360 But you're here. 00:37:12.400 --> 00:37:15.519 And for a moment, I'm going to hold you here. 00:37:17.519 --> 00:37:21.519 Now of course there's also the lean. 00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:28.960 The lean occurs when p both people have technically agreed to hug, but neither is willing to move their feet. 00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:37.519 So the upper bodies incline toward one another while everything below the rib cage remains safely behind. 00:37:37.679 --> 00:37:41.039 Their shoulders make contact, maybe a cheek. 00:37:41.440 --> 00:37:45.119 The arms perform a brief sort of wrapping motion. 00:37:45.360 --> 00:37:56.400 But the rest of the body is leaning backwards so determinately that viewed from the side that they look like they're trying to construct a human suspension bridge. 00:37:56.880 --> 00:38:03.679 The lean says, Yes, affection has been authorized, but no, you may not have the entire person. 00:38:04.639 --> 00:38:09.119 It's the greeting hug with its own built-in restraining order, really. 00:38:10.719 --> 00:38:11.360 Hello. 00:38:13.920 --> 00:38:18.239 I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. 00:38:21.679 --> 00:38:23.280 And I'm all out of bubblegum. 00:38:23.599 --> 00:38:25.519 Consider a t-shirt, shall we? 00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:32.079 A t-shirt can simply prevent you from being arrested from walking into the grocery store without a shirt. 00:38:33.119 --> 00:38:35.519 But it can also contain a message. 00:38:36.079 --> 00:38:38.639 A band, maybe, or a university. 00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:42.159 A political opinion, a cartoon character. 00:38:43.119 --> 00:38:45.119 A place you visited. 00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:50.079 A place you didn't visit, but whose t-shirt was available at Marshalls. 00:38:51.039 --> 00:39:01.519 You can walk into a room simply wearing the name of an obscure band, and someone you've never met will point out the shirt and say, Oh my god, I love them. 00:39:02.239

--> 00:39:03.119 And there it is. 00:39:03.360 --> 00:39:03.920 Hello. 00:39:05.119 --> 00:39:06.400 You didn't know that person. 00:39:06.559 --> 00:39:08.159 That person did not know you. 00:39:08.400 --> 00:39:15.920 But when your shirt went into the room a few inches ahead of you and introduced you, it said, Here's one thing you should know about this human being. 00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:19.840 And the other person answered, Oh, I know that thing too. 00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:23.920 Which isn't really that different from a secret handshake. 00:39:24.079 --> 00:39:25.440 You have the information. 00:39:25.679 --> 00:39:32.320 They recognize the information, and for one little moment, you belong to the same thing. 00:39:33.119 --> 00:39:36.639 Of course, sometimes the t-shirt does not begin a conversation. 00:39:37.199 --> 00:39:40.880 Sometimes it's intended to prevent one. 00:39:41.840 --> 00:39:46.000 A t-shirt can say, Ask me about my grandchildren. 00:39:46.639 --> 00:39:51.440 Or it can say, do not ask me about a damn thing. 00:39:52.320 --> 00:39:55.679 Both of those things are introductions. 00:39:56.960 --> 00:40:02.559 We decorate ourselves, I think, partly to be seen and partly to control what people see. 00:40:03.440 --> 00:40:05.280 And this isn't new really. 00:40:06.079 --> 00:40:24.880 I mean, people human beings have been using clothing and paint and jewelry and even scars, hairstyles, headdresses, insignia, every available surface you can think of to announce identity for a very long time. 00:40:25.760 --> 00:40:41.440 We tell people our rank, our religion, our occupation, our allegiance, how much money we have, our availability, our unavailability, our rebellion against the very idea that anybody should be able to tell any of those things by looking at us. 00:40:41.599 --> 00:40:45.360 And then we dress exactly like the other people rebelling against it. 00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:50.079 Because we want to be individuals, but preferably in a group. 00:40:51.599 --> 00:40:54.320 You see this very clearly with uniforms. 00:40:55.599 --> 00:41:00.480 Police officer walks into the room, and before that person says anything, the uniform's spoken. 00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:10.079 So's a doctor's white coat or a priest's collar, soldier's insignia, chef's jacket, a name tag. 00:41:10.239 --> 00:41:12.800 Hello, this is who I am in this place. 00:41:14.320 --> 00:41:16.559 The message may create trust. 00:41:16.800 --> 00:41:18.480 It might create fear. 00:41:19.039 --> 00:41:21.440 It may create authority. 00:41:22.320 --> 00:41:27.280 It may make you wonder why the person repairing your furnace appears to be dressed as an admiral. 00:41:28.880 --> 00:41:31.199 But something has been communicated. 00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:39.519 And then there are all the things we put on ourselves that don't come with an employee handbook. 00:41:39.840 --> 00:41:40.800 Tattoos. 00:41:42.159 --> 00:41:48.719 Eyebrow rings, stretched earlobes, a safety pin through the nose, staples in your cheek. 00:41:49.199 --> 00:41:53.599 I don't know why there are staples in your cheek, but I know they didn't get there accidentally. 00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:59.840 I mean, no one wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror, and says, How the hell did office supplies get into my face? 00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:01.920 Someone made that decision. 00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:14.159 And whatever that decision means to the person who made it, beauty, defiance, membership, ownership of their body, an accident evening that got slightly out of hand. 00:42:14.639 --> 00:42:16.960 It says something to everyone who sees it. 00:42:17.360 --> 00:42:18.719 Maybe not the right thing. 00:42:18.960 --> 00:42:20.000 That's important. 00:42:21.760 --> 00:42:29.039 Because once we put a message into the world, we don't completely control how it is received. 00:42:30.239 --> 00:42:36.320 You may think your enormous skull tattoo says, I reject conventional standards of beauty. 00:42:37.360 --> 00:42:43.440 Someone else may look at it and say, Do not ask this person to watch the luggage, please. 00:42:44.239 --> 00:42:45.760 The message was sent. 00:42:47.039 --> 00:42:50.639 Interpretation remains alarmingly democratic. 00:42:52.480 --> 00:42:57.760 And this brings us back to the curve in the highway and the bridge over the canal. 00:42:59.039 --> 00:43:03.039 Nobody deliberately sent the message, you are home. 00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:13.199 The highway department did not put a sign saying, Michael, please experience a sudden sense of belonging now. 00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:16.320 But the message happened anyway. 00:43:18.400 --> 00:43:20.559 Same thing happens between people. 00:43:21.760 --> 00:43:36.880 I see your t-shirt, your wedding ring, your dog tag, your little rainbow pin, your black armband, the tiny gold cross around your neck, that star of David. 00:43:38.559 --> 00:43:41.760 The battered hat from a ship you served on forty years ago. 00:43:43.199 --> 00:43:45.039 Maybe I recognize something. 00:43:45.280 --> 00:43:47.920 Maybe I understand a piece of you before you ask. 00:43:48.159 --> 00:43:50.480 And perhaps perhaps I answer. 00:43:52.239 --> 00:43:58.639 I show you my ring, I I point to your shirt, I lift two fingers from the steering wheel. 00:43:58.960 --> 00:44:02.079 I give you Small nod. 00:44:02.480 --> 00:44:03.840 That means yes. 00:44:04.400 --> 00:44:05.679 I noticed. 00:44:06.960 --> 00:44:10.239 That may be the most subtle hello of all, the nod. 00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:14.800 Not the large, friendly, fully articulated nod, of course, the tiny one. 00:44:15.920 --> 00:44:17.199 Barely any movement. 00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:22.639 Two strangers pass each other, their eyes meet, and one chin moves approximately one eighth of an inch. 00:44:22.719 --> 00:44:24.559 The other chin does the same. 00:44:24.880 --> 00:44:25.599 Contact. 00:44:25.760 --> 00:44:26.639 Agreement. 00:44:27.199 --> 00:44:28.320 You are a person.

00:44:28.559 --> 00:44:30.079 You are also a person. 00:44:30.960 --> 00:44:34.239 We have reviewed the situation and we'll continue walking. 00:44:36.079 --> 00:44:44.159 And sometimes what we recognize isn't membership in a group, sometimes it's simply another human being trying to manage the same ridiculous world. 00:44:44.960 --> 00:44:48.400 The parent carrying a screaming child out of the supermarket. 00:44:48.719 --> 00:44:50.719 Have you ever been that one? 00:44:51.679 --> 00:44:55.599 The person standing in the rain with the car that won't start. 00:44:55.840 --> 00:44:58.880 The exhausted nurse at the end of her shift. 00:45:00.079 --> 00:45:06.480 A man wearing a suit with a hamburger and donut socks at his wife's memorial service. 00:45:06.719 --> 00:45:08.000 Somebody sees. 00:45:08.639 --> 00:45:10.159 Maybe they smile. 00:45:11.920 --> 00:45:13.199 Maybe they touch your arm. 00:45:13.360 --> 00:45:17.599 Maybe they don't do anything more than meet your eyes for an extra second, but you know. 00:45:18.880 --> 00:45:20.239 I see what's happening. 00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:21.679 I see you in it. 00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:32.079 No word has been spoken, no hand has been extended, no one has opened their arms or offered a cheek, and yet the thing we've been calling hello has occurred. 00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:36.559 Because hello was never really the word. 00:45:36.880 --> 00:45:39.760 It wasn't the handshake, it wasn't the kiss. 00:45:41.360 --> 00:45:50.880 It wasn't the hug, the wave, the t-shirt, the tattoo, the staples or the almost imperceptible movement of a stranger's chin. 00:45:50.960 --> 00:45:53.039 Those are only the instruments. 00:45:54.159 --> 00:45:56.480 The hello is the recognition. 00:45:58.559 --> 00:46:01.440 Something in one human being says, Here I am. 00:46:01.760 --> 00:46:04.880 And something in another says, There you are. 00:46:05.840 --> 00:46:06.480 Hello. 00:46:08.880 --> 00:46:14.960 And that's why a place can say hello. 00:46:20.800 --> 00:46:23.280 Not because the highway recognizes you, no. 00:46:23.440 --> 00:46:25.199 Not because a bridge has been waiting. 00:46:25.280 --> 00:46:29.039 I mean the Sagamor Sagamore Bridge doesn't care whether I'm coming or going. 00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:32.239 It's got enough trouble carrying traffic. 00:46:33.360 --> 00:46:42.079 But the people, the memories, the life on the other side of it, those things have taught me what the bridge meant. 00:46:42.400 --> 00:46:44.079 They meant Anne was there. 00:46:45.360 --> 00:46:47.519 It meant the dogs and the cats were there. 00:46:47.760 --> 00:46:57.280 It meant the house, the pool, the trees, the maddening plumbing, the whatever fresh catastrophe had occurred while we were gone, we're all there. 00:46:58.320 --> 00:46:59.840 It meant home. 00:47:02.480 --> 00:47:05.920 And now I'm preparing to cross that bridge in the other direction. 00:47:06.639 --> 00:47:09.760 This time I won't be coming back at the end of the day. 00:47:11.199 --> 00:47:15.519 Which means that somewhere along the way the bridge has acquired a second message. 00:47:15.760 --> 00:47:18.559 It says it still says you're home. 00:47:19.840 --> 00:47:21.679 But it also says you're leaving. 00:47:21.760 --> 00:47:23.199 And that seems unfair. 00:47:23.360 --> 00:47:25.840 A bridge should have to pick one. 00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:33.760 But maybe hello and goodbye have always been much closer than we pretend. 00:47:33.920 --> 00:47:37.760 I mean, both of them happen at a threshold. 00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:44.559 Someone arrives, someone leaves, a hand goes up, arms open. 00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:54.079 A person stands in a doorway for three additional minutes because apparently nobody knows how to end this thing. 00:47:56.880 --> 00:47:59.760 The same gestures can do either job. 00:48:00.480 --> 00:48:02.239 The wave says hello. 00:48:02.639 --> 00:48:04.639 The wave says goodbye. 00:48:07.760 --> 00:48:11.360 The handshake begins the meeting and closes the deal. 00:48:11.840 --> 00:48:15.599 The kiss welcomes you home and sends you out the door. 00:48:16.159 --> 00:48:18.079 The hug says you're here. 00:48:20.320 --> 00:48:23.599 And then when it loosens, you're going. 00:48:25.599 --> 00:48:28.800 Maybe that's why some goodbyes feel so impossible. 00:48:31.119 --> 00:48:34.239 They require us to acknowledge two things at once. 00:48:37.039 --> 00:48:38.719 You were here. 00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:42.159 And you will not be here now. 00:48:46.559 --> 00:48:50.320 But recognition doesn't disappear merely because someone does. 00:48:51.119 --> 00:48:55.280 Once another human being has taught you how to see them, you keep seeing them. 00:48:55.599 --> 00:48:57.679 In a joke, in a song. 00:49:01.360 --> 00:49:03.199 In the empty side of the bed. 00:49:05.039 --> 00:49:07.440 And the first glimpse of a bridge. 00:49:14.960 --> 00:49:16.079 There you are. 00:49:18.159 --> 00:49:22.400 I don't know what Los Angeles will look like when it begins to mean home. 00:49:25.599 --> 00:49:28.320 Maybe it'll be the view from the windows. 00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:29.199 I don't know. 00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:33.679 Maybe it'll be the French door onto the balcony. 00:49:50.079 --> 00:49:53.760 Maybe it'll be a particular turn off Sunset Boulevard. 00:49:56.320 --> 00:50:02.800 Maybe one day I'll be coming back from somewhere, see one completely ordinary thing, and feel the message arrive. 00:50:03.360 --> 00:50:05.840 Before I've even understood what sent it. 00:50:07.280 --> 00:50:08.239 You're here. 00:50:15.360 --> 00:50:16.880 And I'll answer. 00:50:17.440 --> 00:50:19.760 Because that's what a hello asks to do. 00:50:21.440 --> 00:50:32.320 Not merely to speak, not merely to wave or shake hands or lean forward towards someone while keeping our lower body in another zip code. 00:50:33.119 --> 00:50:34.800 No, it asks us to notice. 00:50:36.559 --> 00:50:38.480 A person, a place, a life. 00:50:38.880 --> 00:50:42.239 Feeling just as me tonight. 00:50:42.639 --> 00:50:45.599 And if we're very lucky, something answers. 00:50:46.719 --> 00:50:47.199 There you are. 00:50:49.039 --> 00:50:50.239 So goodbye, Cape Cod. 00:50:54.079 --> 00:50:55.599 Hello, Los Angeles. 00:50:58.559 --> 00:51:01.119 An aunt that somehow sets me free. 00:51:01.360 --> 00:51:02.320 There you are. 00:51:28.079 --> 00:51:29.519 Make it true. 00:51:29.760 --> 00:51:34.079 Empty rooms filled with memories. 00:51:36.159 --> 00:51:53.679 Faces I don't know, but somehow understand they're waiting to every stranger passing by could be the one to see. 00:51:57.519 --> 00:52:03.360 The light inside my heart turned into breakfast.