Hello?

WEBVTT
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Years ago in what seems to be another age, I lived in the city of Spokane, Washington.
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It was very different from Seattle, the place I'd moved from.
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I did, however, quite often have to leave Spokane and head towards Seattle or, you know, generally westward.
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And every time I made one of these trips, something happened to me.
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On my way back to Spokane, driving eastward on the Eisenhower Highway.
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I you pass the exit for the Air Force Base, there's a treatment plant, and then shortly the highway begins a like a long, slow drift over to the right.
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And there it is.
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It's the outskirts of the city.
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But I didn't see the city.
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I never saw the city.
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I saw something much simpler, much deeper.
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I saw home.
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Many years later, Anne and I were sitting in fairly heavy traffic.
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It was early July, and we were heading east on the Grand Army of the Republic Highway.
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And that would be Route 6.
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We're trying to get back to Cape Cod.
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It was a slog, really.
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We were having fun anyway.
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I mean, we were, you know, just passing time.
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We lived on the Cape and we knew very well that you can't just drive up any time you want to in the summer.
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And we eventually reached the bridge, the Sagamore Bridge.
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Oh, by the way, opened in 1933.
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And we started across.
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And as we did, I didn't see the water underneath us.
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I didn't notice the girders of the bridge flying by.
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I saw home.
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Hello, hello, heavenly man.
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What did your name I'll tell you, Mind?
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I've got a man.
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What did you have?
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Where have you done it?
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Welcome.
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Welcome back to the Ann Living Show with Michael over there.
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Ahoy.
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You know that feeling?
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Though.
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Maybe it isn't a city coming into view or a bridge over a canal.
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Maybe it's a particular building or a bend in the road.
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The first glimpse of a mountain.
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Maybe it's a smell.
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Maybe you you know live in Tacoma.
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Nothing has actually spoken to you.
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Nothing has announced your arrival.
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Yet somehow a message has been received.
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You're here.
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A stranger still, you've answered it.
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Maybe not out loud.
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Maybe no one else in the car even knows it happened, but for just a moment.
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Something in the world has acknowledged you.
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And something in you has acknowledged it back.
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How's that happen, right?
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How can there be a message when nobody sent one?
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Okay.
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I gotta push a button here.
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Um imagine you're at a party.
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You you see someone you know quite well and you smile.
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Oh Lord.
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Ha ha! Right now there are so many things that could happen.
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You smile at Becky with the good hair, and she smiles back.
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Yay! Becky sees me.
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I'm gonna go talk to her right now.
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Or you smile at Becky with the good hair.
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She's looking right at you, but it's like you're not there.
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There's no smile.
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There's not an ounce of recognition.
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Uh-oh.
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What the hell does that mean?
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And immediately, if you're like me, you're rummaging around in your brain for any incident that made it may have made Becky with the good hair mad at you.
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Maybe you see Becky with the good hair across the room and you wave.
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And you get a small wave back, but Becky looks pissed about something, maybe maybe everything.
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What in the heck is going on here?
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Nothing at all was said.
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Yet something was answered.
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And when Becky smiled back, right?
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And something was answered when she didn't.
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At what point in any of those exchanges did anybody say hello?
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They didn't, right?
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Yet every one of them began as a greeting.
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And I think, you know, a greeting isn't necessarily a statement.
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Sometimes it's an offer.
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A smile, in effect, says, I recognize you.
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Do you recognize me?
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The return smile completes something.
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Which gives you the handshake, naturally, I mean, because the handshake makes physically obvious what the smile was already doing invisibly.
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I put out my hand.
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Nothing has happened yet.
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You put out yours.
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Ah, now we have a handshake.
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Two people have agreed for perhaps two seconds to do this thing together.
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So when the telephone showed up in the 1870s, we suddenly had a problem.
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Not a technical problem.
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I mean, Alexander Graham Bell and company had plenty of those, I'm sure, but we had a we had a people problem.
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Because now you could pick up this strange little machine and there was another human being in it.
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Okay.
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Now what?
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Think about it.
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There wasn't any telephone etiquette yet.
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Nobody's mother had ever told them how to answer a telephone because nobody's mother had ever had a telephone.
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There were no rules.
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You couldn't see the other person, you couldn't smile at them, you couldn't wave.
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You couldn't look across the room and see Becky with the good hair and why the wonder why the hell Becky with the good hair wasn't smiling back at you.
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You had a machine.
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And somewhere, presumably, another person.
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So how do we establish that this thing has actually happened?
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How do you know?
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How do I know you're there?
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How do you know I'm here?
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Alexander Graham Bell had an idea.
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Ahoy.
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Yep.
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Bell apparently thought Ahoy was a perfectly good way for people to greet one another on the telephone.
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And you know what makes it kind of makes sense.
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I mean, Ahoy was already a way of attracting someone's attention over a distance.
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You're basically saying, hey, human over there.
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Which, come to think of it, you know, describes a telephone call pretty well.
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But Bell did not win on this one.
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Thomas Edison preferred hello.
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And uh before we get it, you know, go further, Edison didn't invent the word hello.
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Versions of the word were already around before the telephone.
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Although they were used more as a way to get someone's attention, more like hey, than the kind of greeting we think about today.
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But in 1877, Edison actually wrote about using hello with the telephone, and eventually hello won.
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So Alexander Granville gave us the phone, and Thomas Edison apparently got to decide what the hell we were going to say into it, which really doesn't seem all that fair.
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But here's the interesting part the telephone didn't just give us a new machine, it created a completely new kind of human encounter.
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For most of human history, if I was going to talk to you, there you were.
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I could see you, I could approach you, I could make eye contact, I could smile, I could wave, I could hold out my hand.
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I had all these little ways of saying, I see you.
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And you had all sorts of ways of saying, Yep, I see you too.
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And the telephone took almost all of that away.
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Now there was just a voice.
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And before we could get to whatever it was we were really wanting to talk about, we needed some way to establish one very basic thing.
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Are you there?
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Very often we say, Well, you know, here, think about this.
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We rarely really answer the phone by saying hello.
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I mean, I I do.
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Most of the time, at least very often, I say hello.
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That's a question.
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Are you there?
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Can you hear me?
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Does this thing actually work?
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Is this thing on?
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And then the other person answers.
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There you are.
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Contact.
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Agreement.
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Two people who can't see each other have somehow managed to find each other through a wire.
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All because someone picked up a telephone and said, Well, uh, ahoy.
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So what happened?
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How did we get from Alexander Graham Bell standing over there yelling ahoy at his own invention to practically the entire English speaking world picking up the telephone and saying hello?
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And once again, sorry, Tom, Thomas Edison did not invent hello.
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In fact, hello showed up in print decades before the telephone.
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Merriam-Webster dates its first known news to 1834.
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And it seems to have grown out of older forms like hello, hello, hollow, hello, uh.
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But it wasn't really the nice, friendly greeting we think of now.
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It was more of a an attention getter, like uh, hello, what's all this then?
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You know, or an expression of surprise.
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Hello, whoo, what the heck is that?
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Which now, you know, now I think about it, that's describes a significant portion of this show.
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So, I mean, so Edison didn't invent the word.
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What he seems to have done was to give an existing word a new job.
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In 1877, right as people were trying to figure out what the heck they're supposed to do with these new telephone things, Edison said, hello, should be the word.
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Bell preferred Ahoy, as we mentioned.
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And I really kind of wish we'd stuck with Alexander Graham Bell on this one, because look, imagine the possibilities.
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Doctor's office calls.
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Ahoy, Michael, we have your test results.
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Oh, your mother calls.
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Ahoy, why haven't you called me?
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Or the telemarketer.
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Uh Ahoy, we have been trying to reach you about your vehicle's extended warranty.
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And we gave up a lot, man, I think.
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But hello one.
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And here's where it gets really interesting because it wasn't simply Edison sitting in a laboratory saying, From this day forward, everyone shall say hello.
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Now, language doesn't work that way.
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People have to agree about it.
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And in 1878, just one year later, the District Telephone Company of New Haven published what is generally considered the first telephone directory.
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And it wasn't much of a directory.
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It was a single sheet of paper with about 50 names on it.
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And there were no phone numbers.
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There weren't any.
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They didn't exist.
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You just called the operator and told them who you wanted.
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But that little sheet also contained instructions for this strange new activity called using a telephone.
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And it told subscribers to begin their conversations with a firm and cheery version of hello, spelled H-U-L-L-O-A.
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Hello.
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There it is.
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That's it.
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The technology spread, the instructions spread.
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Telephone operators used the word.
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People heard other people using it.
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And somewhere along the way, this word that basically meant hey, or what's that, became the completely ordinary thing one human being says when encountering another human being.
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Hello.
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And I love that.
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Because Edison may have helped get the whole thing moving, and the telephone companies certainly helped standardize it.
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But nobody actually sat down and invented modern hello.
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We did.
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People did.
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Millions of tiny tiny interactions gradually turned an attention getting noise into an agreement.
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I say hello, you say hello.
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And we all eventually all understand what just happened.
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Which brings us right back to Becky with the good hair.
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I smile.
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Becky with the good hair smiles.
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Neither one of us has said a word, but we've agreed on something.
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I see you.
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I see you two.
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And maybe that's the interesting thing about hello.
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The word isn't the agreement.
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The word is just one of the ways that we make that agreement.
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Although, for the record, Alexander Graham Bell still had the better one.
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Ahoy.
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You take drugs, Danny?
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Every day.
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So what's the problem?
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I don't know.
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I don't know.
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So apparently, you know, we don't really even need words.
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We have hands.
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And somewhere along the way, human beings decided that one perfectly reasonable thing to do upon encountering another human being was to grab one of those hands and shake it.
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Which, if you've never seen anybody do it before, would be a very strange thing to watch.
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Hello.
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Give me your arm.
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But handshakes are old, really old.
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There are depictions of people clasping right hands going back to ancient Greece.
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And variations of the gesture have shown up in different places and different periods for thousands of years.
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And you've probably heard the explanation that we shake with our right hands because the right hand was traditionally the weapon hand.
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You extend it, I can see there's no sword in it.
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Everybody relaxes, nobody gets stabbed, and we can go on with whatever we're doing.
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It's a great story.
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I mean, there are certainly long traditions of showing an empty hand as a sign of peaceful intent, and weapons were commonly carried and wielded in ways that made the right hand important.
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But nobody left us a note saying, Dear future people, this is why we invented the handshake.
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You're welcome.
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So we don't really know that there was a moment or a place or one reason at all that created the handshake we use today.
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And the handshake hasn't always meant the same thing, anyway.
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It can greet someone, it can congratulate someone, it can seal an agreement, it can reconcile two people, it can say goodbye.
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It can be formal, friendly, ceremonial.
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And sometimes it can mean, okay, we're done arguing about this, shake on it.
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Which is interesting because a handshake is something I can't do by myself.
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I can wave at you by myself.
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I can smile at you by myself.
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I can stand across the room smiling at enthusiastically at Becky with the good hair for 20 minutes while Becky with the good hair pretends she has never seen me before in her life.
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But I cannot shake your hand without your cooperation.
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I can put my hand out.
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But that's not a handshake.
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That's an offer.
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You have to put yours out too.
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And once you do, just for a moment, we've agreed to something.
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And maybe all we've agreed to is, yeah, I see you, you see me, we're shaking hands now.
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But it's an agreement.
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And we know that because of how incredibly loud it can be when somebody refuses one.
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Hold out your hand to somebody and have them just look at it.
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Holy smokes.
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No one said anything, and somehow a great deal has just been said.
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Of course, humans being humans, merely having a handshake wasn't enough.
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We started giving them vocabulary.
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We have business handshakes.
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There's uh two-handed handshakes.
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A politician grabbing your hand with one hand and your elbow with the other, you know, apparently to make absolutely certain you can't escape.
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There are fist bumps, there are elaborate hand slaps.
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There are secret handshakes.
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And secret handshakes are especially interesting because the greeting doesn't merely say I recognize you.
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It says I recognize you as one of us.
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And you have to know the secret.
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Maybe there's a particular grip or a movement of the fingers, a slap, a bump, some ridiculous little maneuver that would make absolutely no sense to anybody watching.
00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:01.200
But to the two people doing it, it means something.
00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:07.039
It means we share information or we belong to the same thing.
00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:10.000
And you know what I know.
00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:13.680
It's like a password performed with your hands, right?
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:16.880
And the same thing with waves.
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:19.759
There's the regular wave.
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:28.640
There's a tiny little wave when you don't want to attract anybody else's attention, really.
00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:32.160
Then there's the giant, oh my god, there you are wave.
00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:34.240
There's the royal wave.
00:21:35.759 --> 00:21:37.599
The princess wave, right?
00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:43.519
There's the little two-finger thing on the steering wheel when another driver lets you go.
00:21:47.440 --> 00:21:50.240
Someone can see the gesture and know who made it.
00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:55.119
Maybe even before they clearly see the person making it.
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:57.680
Which is kind of remarkable when you think about it.
00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:02.240
Because we're Now we're right back to where we started.
00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:04.960
A curve in the highway.
00:22:06.400 --> 00:22:07.359
A bridge.
00:22:08.559 --> 00:22:10.160
A smile across a room.
00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:13.920
An outstretched hand, a ridiculous little wave.
00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:16.000
None of them have said a word.
00:22:16.960 --> 00:22:20.480
And yet somehow over and over again the message gets through.
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:22.720
There you are.
00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:30.559
And sometimes apparently there you are means putting your mouth on another human being.
00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:38.000
Because human beings took one look at waving and shaking hands and decided, nope, we need more face.
00:22:40.799 --> 00:22:47.039
Kissing as a greeting is one of those things that seems completely ordinary if you grew up doing it.
00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:50.960
And astonishly intimate if you didn't.
00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:57.359
You walk into a room, someone comes towards you, they put their face very close to their your face.
00:22:57.519 --> 00:22:58.960
There may be contact.
00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:08.880
In certain places, there may be three.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:13.039
And somehow everybody's supposed to know what happens next.
00:23:13.759 --> 00:23:14.880
They do not.
00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:16.319
They lean left.
00:23:16.400 --> 00:23:17.519
You they lean right.
00:23:17.680 --> 00:23:18.799
You're both correct.
00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:21.839
Now you've both corrected in the same direction.
00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:26.720
And for one horrible moment you appear to be attempting to kiss each other directly on the mouth.
00:23:26.960 --> 00:23:28.640
Nobody intended that.
00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:36.400
Or perhaps one of you intended this, which you know creates an entirely different set of problems.
00:23:36.960 --> 00:23:45.279
And this is what happens when a culture creates a greeting that requires choreography, but refuses to provide rehearsal.
00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:51.279
The cheek kiss is not one universal gesture.
00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:57.599
It changes from country to country, region to region, family to family, sometimes even person to person.
00:23:58.319 --> 00:23:59.359
Is it one kiss?
00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:00.160
Is it two?
00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:00.960
Is it three?
00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:02.640
Which cheek goes first?
00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:05.759
Do the lips actually touch the cheek?
00:24:05.920 --> 00:24:09.759
Or do we merely put our cheeks near one another and kiss the atmosphere?
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:11.039
Are we kissing?
00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:15.599
Or are we making small kissing noises beside somebody's ear?
00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:20.160
How long are we supposed to have known each other before any of this begins?
00:24:20.799 --> 00:24:22.799
Because that matters, right?
00:24:26.079 --> 00:24:27.920
A kiss can say hello.
00:24:28.960 --> 00:24:30.400
A kiss can say goodbye.
00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.480
A kiss can say congratulations.
00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:34.559
It can say welcome to the family.
00:24:35.279 --> 00:24:37.440
A kiss can say I love you.
00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:42.720
A kiss can say, I'm pretending to like you because there are other people watching.
00:24:43.519 --> 00:24:49.279
And occasionally a kiss can say, I have badly misunderstood the nature of this relationship.
00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:54.640
Once again, you know, the gesture of self doesn't contain one fixed message.
00:24:56.000 --> 00:25:02.880
The meaning comes from the people, the setting, the relationship, and the tiny agreement being made between them.
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:07.519
Just like the handshake, a greeting kiss begins as an offer.
00:25:07.920 --> 00:25:10.720
Someone turns a cheek, someone leans in.
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:20.160
And the other person has about half a second to determine which particular branch of human civilization civilization they've just entered.
00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:25.359
But if both people understand the offer, something remarkable happens.
00:25:28.079 --> 00:25:32.160
The distance between two human beings disappears.
00:25:33.440 --> 00:25:35.599
Not metaphorically, literally.
00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:41.440
For a moment, this person is close enough for you to feel the warmth of their face.
00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:46.559
You may smell their perfume or their aftershave, their shampoo, their lunch.
00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:53.119
You are allowing a person into a space we normally protect without ever talking about it.
00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:57.119
That's a very different hello from waving across a room.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:01.039
A wave says, I see you over there.
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:07.839
A handshake says, I will meet you here at arm's length.
00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:13.279
A kiss says you may come closer.
00:26:14.480 --> 00:26:17.039
And there are even degrees within that.
00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:26.640
There's the polite social cheek kiss, the family kiss, the enthusiastic aunt who grabs both sides of your head, so there's absolutely no possibility of escape kiss.
00:26:28.160 --> 00:26:35.839
There's the air kiss, which may be the most carefully engineered greeting human beings have ever devised.
00:26:36.559 --> 00:26:41.680
It says, I'm going to perform intimacy without disturbing either your makeup or mine.
00:26:42.480 --> 00:26:45.519
It's you know affection with collision avoidance.
00:26:46.000 --> 00:26:48.400
Then there's the kiss on the top of the head.
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:50.480
That one's different.
00:26:51.839 --> 00:26:55.680
You don't usually greet a stranger by kissing the top of their head.
00:26:56.079 --> 00:26:57.200
At least you shouldn't.
00:26:57.440 --> 00:26:59.119
I mean, there may be paperwork.
00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:09.279
But with someone you love, a child, a partner, someone tucked against you, it can say hello without asking them to look up.
00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:12.000
I know you're there.
00:27:12.559 --> 00:27:13.440
I'm here too.
00:27:15.599 --> 00:27:17.839
A kiss on the forehead can do the same thing.
00:27:18.480 --> 00:27:24.079
It can be tender, protective, reassuring.
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:28.400
It may be a greeting, but it can also mean you don't have to do anything right now.
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:30.640
I just wanted you to know I'm here.
00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:40.319
Well, the time is now, the time is here.
00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:42.400
Now's the time to provide a cheer.
00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:46.559
Well looking here, you think the sight.
00:27:47.519 --> 00:27:51.359
The moment for piece of candy, just name your friend their own friend.
00:27:51.519 --> 00:27:53.359
Hey, what do you think of an ice cream?
00:27:54.319 --> 00:27:56.720
On the big box filled with a popcorn drill.
00:27:57.200 --> 00:27:59.440
Let's taste that sniff with an ice cream treat.
00:28:02.319 --> 00:28:06.480
So come on, folks, let's join the band as we all hit for the big fresh man.
00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:44.559
Ahoy! Before a little break, we were discussing the many ways we say hello.
00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:49.039
We've now reached out to each other and we've hugged.
00:30:49.279 --> 00:30:53.519
And you know, hugging may be the most structurally ambitious hello we have.
00:30:54.480 --> 00:31:06.480
A handshake requires one hand, a kiss requires some careful facial navigation, but a hug, a hug involves the whole front of a human body.
00:31:07.119 --> 00:31:14.559
You open both arms, expose your torso, you walk directly toward another person and trust they're gonna understand what the hell you're doing.
00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:17.759
It's an extraordinary gesture.
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:22.000
And once again it begins as an offer.
00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:24.240
Arms open.
00:31:25.519 --> 00:31:27.759
That's not a hug, not yet.
00:31:28.319 --> 00:31:30.799
The other person has to open theirs.
00:31:31.839 --> 00:31:36.160
And then now we have another one of those tiny human agreements.
00:31:36.400 --> 00:31:38.640
Yes, we are doing this.
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:44.000
Although even after that's been established, there are an alarming number of decisions to make.
00:31:44.160 --> 00:31:44.799
Holy smokes.
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:46.000
Which arm goes over?
00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:47.599
Which arm goes under?
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:50.160
Are we both going in the same direction?
00:31:50.400 --> 00:31:52.000
Is this a full hug?
00:31:52.559 --> 00:31:53.519
A side hug?
00:31:53.680 --> 00:31:55.039
A one-armed hug?
00:31:55.279 --> 00:31:56.880
Quick little shoulder squeeze?
00:31:57.039 --> 00:31:59.039
Are we patting each other on the back?
00:31:59.359 --> 00:32:01.839
If so, how many times?
00:32:02.400 --> 00:32:05.039
And most important, when does it end?
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:08.480
Because the beginning of a hug is generally clear.
00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:12.640
The ending is negotiated pretty much entirely through pressure.
00:32:13.759 --> 00:32:17.519
One person begins to release, the other person does not.
00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:26.160
The first person relaxes again because apparently the hug is still happening, and the second person starts to release just as the first person is recommitted.
00:32:27.279 --> 00:32:29.680
Now no one knows what's going on.
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:32.079
There should be a light.
00:32:32.240 --> 00:32:33.680
You know, like an elevator.
00:32:33.839 --> 00:32:34.960
Hug in progress.
00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:37.759
Please remain in position till doors open.
00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:45.920
And hugs have dialects, just like waves and handshakes and kisses.
00:32:46.559 --> 00:32:50.720
There's the careful polite hug between people who don't know each other very well.
00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:54.079
It mostly involves almost shoulders.
00:32:54.640 --> 00:32:57.200
More of a suggestion than an event, really.
00:32:58.160 --> 00:33:07.359
Then there's the side hug, which says, I'm fond of you, but circumstances have limited our available frontage.
00:33:09.440 --> 00:33:24.640
There's the one-armed man hug, often accompanied by a handshake trap somewhere in the middle, followed by several forceful blows on the back to reassure everyone that this is a display of affection that is also somehow a medical procedure.
00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:29.599
But definitely not, you know, two guys hugging.
00:33:30.960 --> 00:33:38.720
Then there's the hug from someone who's much taller than you, where your face disappears into their chest, and you simply have to accept that this is where you live now.
00:33:41.680 --> 00:33:51.680
Then there's the hug from a small child who hits you at full speed and attaches somewhere around your knees, and hopefully you can stay upright.
00:33:54.640 --> 00:33:58.160
There's the hug from someone who lifts you completely off the ground.
00:33:59.119 --> 00:34:02.160
That's a greeting and a surprise change in altitude.
00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:07.359
There's the hug from a person who's missed you.
00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:09.760
You know that hug immediately.
00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:11.679
It has weight.
00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:20.159
It doesn't merely say I recognize you, it says your absence has occupied space and now you're here.
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:27.599
A hug may be the clearest physical expression of what a greeting actually does.
00:34:28.239 --> 00:34:34.400
For however long it lasts, two separate human beings create a boundary around themselves.
00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:40.239
Arms go around backs, heads settle near shoulders.
00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:45.119
The rest of the world is temporary temporarily placed on the outside.
00:34:47.760 --> 00:34:52.159
It's one of those few greetings that changes the shape of the people doing it.
00:34:53.119 --> 00:34:56.960
Before there's the hug, there are two figures approaching.
00:34:57.679 --> 00:34:59.679
During the hug there's one shape.
00:35:01.599 --> 00:35:05.599
Then the arms release, the shape separates, and there are two people again.
00:35:06.239 --> 00:35:08.159
But something's been exchanged.
00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:13.440
Warmth, pressure, scent, maybe reassurance.
00:35:14.239 --> 00:35:15.920
Maybe forgiveness.
00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:18.639
Maybe simply proof.
00:35:19.119 --> 00:35:20.000
You are here.
00:35:20.400 --> 00:35:21.360
You are real.
00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:30.960
That's why there can be such a difference between someone saying, It's good to see you, and someone crossing the room putting their arms around you and holding on.
00:35:33.039 --> 00:35:35.599
The words may be exactly true.
00:35:38.079 --> 00:35:40.400
But the hug makes them measurable.
00:35:41.840 --> 00:35:44.800
And sometimes the hug says what the person cannot.
00:35:46.239 --> 00:35:50.480
At hospitals, airports, funerals, front doors.
00:35:51.519 --> 00:35:56.159
There are moments when language is simply not capable of doing the job.
00:35:57.199 --> 00:35:59.199
There may be too much joy.
00:36:00.800 --> 00:36:02.639
There may be too much grief.
00:36:04.239 --> 00:36:07.920
There may be too much time between then and now.
00:36:09.119 --> 00:36:14.960
So the arms open, the other arms open, and the conversation begins without a word.
00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:18.639
Of course, not everybody wants to be hugged, that matters too.
00:36:20.239 --> 00:36:23.760
An open pair of arms is still an offer, not a command.
00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:27.679
Sometimes the answer is a handshake, sometimes it's a wave.
00:36:28.639 --> 00:36:35.519
Sometimes it's a small step backwards that says with remarkable clarity, Now we will not be combining our torsos today.
00:36:36.320 --> 00:36:37.760
And that's an answer.
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:44.079
Because every real greeting leaves room for the other person to respond.
00:36:44.320 --> 00:36:46.880
Otherwise it's not an agreement, it's an ambush.
00:36:49.119 --> 00:37:04.639
But when the other offer is welcome, when the person you love comes through the door or the friend you haven't seen appears across the room or somebody who knows what's happened to you simply opens their arms, the message is unmistakable.
00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:08.559
Not merely I see you, not merely you're here.
00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:11.360
But you're here.
00:37:12.400 --> 00:37:15.519
And for a moment, I'm going to hold you here.
00:37:17.519 --> 00:37:21.519
Now of course there's also the lean.
00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:28.960
The lean occurs when p both people have technically agreed to hug, but neither is willing to move their feet.
00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:37.519
So the upper bodies incline toward one another while everything below the rib cage remains safely behind.
00:37:37.679 --> 00:37:41.039
Their shoulders make contact, maybe a cheek.
00:37:41.440 --> 00:37:45.119
The arms perform a brief sort of wrapping motion.
00:37:45.360 --> 00:37:56.400
But the rest of the body is leaning backwards so determinately that viewed from the side that they look like they're trying to construct a human suspension bridge.
00:37:56.880 --> 00:38:03.679
The lean says, Yes, affection has been authorized, but no, you may not have the entire person.
00:38:04.639 --> 00:38:09.119
It's the greeting hug with its own built-in restraining order, really.
00:38:10.719 --> 00:38:11.360
Hello.
00:38:13.920 --> 00:38:18.239
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass.
00:38:21.679 --> 00:38:23.280
And I'm all out of bubblegum.
00:38:23.599 --> 00:38:25.519
Consider a t-shirt, shall we?
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:32.079
A t-shirt can simply prevent you from being arrested from walking into the grocery store without a shirt.
00:38:33.119 --> 00:38:35.519
But it can also contain a message.
00:38:36.079 --> 00:38:38.639
A band, maybe, or a university.
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:42.159
A political opinion, a cartoon character.
00:38:43.119 --> 00:38:45.119
A place you visited.
00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:50.079
A place you didn't visit, but whose t-shirt was available at Marshalls.
00:38:51.039 --> 00:39:01.519
You can walk into a room simply wearing the name of an obscure band, and someone you've never met will point out the shirt and say, Oh my god, I love them.
00:39:02.239 --> 00:39:03.119
And there it is.
00:39:03.360 --> 00:39:03.920
Hello.
00:39:05.119 --> 00:39:06.400
You didn't know that person.
00:39:06.559 --> 00:39:08.159
That person did not know you.
00:39:08.400 --> 00:39:15.920
But when your shirt went into the room a few inches ahead of you and introduced you, it said, Here's one thing you should know about this human being.
00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:19.840
And the other person answered, Oh, I know that thing too.
00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:23.920
Which isn't really that different from a secret handshake.
00:39:24.079 --> 00:39:25.440
You have the information.
00:39:25.679 --> 00:39:32.320
They recognize the information, and for one little moment, you belong to the same thing.
00:39:33.119 --> 00:39:36.639
Of course, sometimes the t-shirt does not begin a conversation.
00:39:37.199 --> 00:39:40.880
Sometimes it's intended to prevent one.
00:39:41.840 --> 00:39:46.000
A t-shirt can say, Ask me about my grandchildren.
00:39:46.639 --> 00:39:51.440
Or it can say, do not ask me about a damn thing.
00:39:52.320 --> 00:39:55.679
Both of those things are introductions.
00:39:56.960 --> 00:40:02.559
We decorate ourselves, I think, partly to be seen and partly to control what people see.
00:40:03.440 --> 00:40:05.280
And this isn't new really.
00:40:06.079 --> 00:40:24.880
I mean, people human beings have been using clothing and paint and jewelry and even scars, hairstyles, headdresses, insignia, every available surface you can think of to announce identity for a very long time.
00:40:25.760 --> 00:40:41.440
We tell people our rank, our religion, our occupation, our allegiance, how much money we have, our availability, our unavailability, our rebellion against the very idea that anybody should be able to tell any of those things by looking at us.
00:40:41.599 --> 00:40:45.360
And then we dress exactly like the other people rebelling against it.
00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:50.079
Because we want to be individuals, but preferably in a group.
00:40:51.599 --> 00:40:54.320
You see this very clearly with uniforms.
00:40:55.599 --> 00:41:00.480
Police officer walks into the room, and before that person says anything, the uniform's spoken.
00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:10.079
So's a doctor's white coat or a priest's collar, soldier's insignia, chef's jacket, a name tag.
00:41:10.239 --> 00:41:12.800
Hello, this is who I am in this place.
00:41:14.320 --> 00:41:16.559
The message may create trust.
00:41:16.800 --> 00:41:18.480
It might create fear.
00:41:19.039 --> 00:41:21.440
It may create authority.
00:41:22.320 --> 00:41:27.280
It may make you wonder why the person repairing your furnace appears to be dressed as an admiral.
00:41:28.880 --> 00:41:31.199
But something has been communicated.
00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:39.519
And then there are all the things we put on ourselves that don't come with an employee handbook.
00:41:39.840 --> 00:41:40.800
Tattoos.
00:41:42.159 --> 00:41:48.719
Eyebrow rings, stretched earlobes, a safety pin through the nose, staples in your cheek.
00:41:49.199 --> 00:41:53.599
I don't know why there are staples in your cheek, but I know they didn't get there accidentally.
00:41:54.480 --> 00:41:59.840
I mean, no one wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror, and says, How the hell did office supplies get into my face?
00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:01.920
Someone made that decision.
00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:14.159
And whatever that decision means to the person who made it, beauty, defiance, membership, ownership of their body, an accident evening that got slightly out of hand.
00:42:14.639 --> 00:42:16.960
It says something to everyone who sees it.
00:42:17.360 --> 00:42:18.719
Maybe not the right thing.
00:42:18.960 --> 00:42:20.000
That's important.
00:42:21.760 --> 00:42:29.039
Because once we put a message into the world, we don't completely control how it is received.
00:42:30.239 --> 00:42:36.320
You may think your enormous skull tattoo says, I reject conventional standards of beauty.
00:42:37.360 --> 00:42:43.440
Someone else may look at it and say, Do not ask this person to watch the luggage, please.
00:42:44.239 --> 00:42:45.760
The message was sent.
00:42:47.039 --> 00:42:50.639
Interpretation remains alarmingly democratic.
00:42:52.480 --> 00:42:57.760
And this brings us back to the curve in the highway and the bridge over the canal.
00:42:59.039 --> 00:43:03.039
Nobody deliberately sent the message, you are home.
00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:13.199
The highway department did not put a sign saying, Michael, please experience a sudden sense of belonging now.
00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:16.320
But the message happened anyway.
00:43:18.400 --> 00:43:20.559
Same thing happens between people.
00:43:21.760 --> 00:43:36.880
I see your t-shirt, your wedding ring, your dog tag, your little rainbow pin, your black armband, the tiny gold cross around your neck, that star of David.
00:43:38.559 --> 00:43:41.760
The battered hat from a ship you served on forty years ago.
00:43:43.199 --> 00:43:45.039
Maybe I recognize something.
00:43:45.280 --> 00:43:47.920
Maybe I understand a piece of you before you ask.
00:43:48.159 --> 00:43:50.480
And perhaps perhaps I answer.
00:43:52.239 --> 00:43:58.639
I show you my ring, I I point to your shirt, I lift two fingers from the steering wheel.
00:43:58.960 --> 00:44:02.079
I give you Small nod.
00:44:02.480 --> 00:44:03.840
That means yes.
00:44:04.400 --> 00:44:05.679
I noticed.
00:44:06.960 --> 00:44:10.239
That may be the most subtle hello of all, the nod.
00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:14.800
Not the large, friendly, fully articulated nod, of course, the tiny one.
00:44:15.920 --> 00:44:17.199
Barely any movement.
00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:22.639
Two strangers pass each other, their eyes meet, and one chin moves approximately one eighth of an inch.
00:44:22.719 --> 00:44:24.559
The other chin does the same.
00:44:24.880 --> 00:44:25.599
Contact.
00:44:25.760 --> 00:44:26.639
Agreement.
00:44:27.199 --> 00:44:28.320
You are a person.
00:44:28.559 --> 00:44:30.079
You are also a person.
00:44:30.960 --> 00:44:34.239
We have reviewed the situation and we'll continue walking.
00:44:36.079 --> 00:44:44.159
And sometimes what we recognize isn't membership in a group, sometimes it's simply another human being trying to manage the same ridiculous world.
00:44:44.960 --> 00:44:48.400
The parent carrying a screaming child out of the supermarket.
00:44:48.719 --> 00:44:50.719
Have you ever been that one?
00:44:51.679 --> 00:44:55.599
The person standing in the rain with the car that won't start.
00:44:55.840 --> 00:44:58.880
The exhausted nurse at the end of her shift.
00:45:00.079 --> 00:45:06.480
A man wearing a suit with a hamburger and donut socks at his wife's memorial service.
00:45:06.719 --> 00:45:08.000
Somebody sees.
00:45:08.639 --> 00:45:10.159
Maybe they smile.
00:45:11.920 --> 00:45:13.199
Maybe they touch your arm.
00:45:13.360 --> 00:45:17.599
Maybe they don't do anything more than meet your eyes for an extra second, but you know.
00:45:18.880 --> 00:45:20.239
I see what's happening.
00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:21.679
I see you in it.
00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:32.079
No word has been spoken, no hand has been extended, no one has opened their arms or offered a cheek, and yet the thing we've been calling hello has occurred.
00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:36.559
Because hello was never really the word.
00:45:36.880 --> 00:45:39.760
It wasn't the handshake, it wasn't the kiss.
00:45:41.360 --> 00:45:50.880
It wasn't the hug, the wave, the t-shirt, the tattoo, the staples or the almost imperceptible movement of a stranger's chin.
00:45:50.960 --> 00:45:53.039
Those are only the instruments.
00:45:54.159 --> 00:45:56.480
The hello is the recognition.
00:45:58.559 --> 00:46:01.440
Something in one human being says, Here I am.
00:46:01.760 --> 00:46:04.880
And something in another says, There you are.
00:46:05.840 --> 00:46:06.480
Hello.
00:46:08.880 --> 00:46:14.960
And that's why a place can say hello.
00:46:20.800 --> 00:46:23.280
Not because the highway recognizes you, no.
00:46:23.440 --> 00:46:25.199
Not because a bridge has been waiting.
00:46:25.280 --> 00:46:29.039
I mean the Sagamor Sagamore Bridge doesn't care whether I'm coming or going.
00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:32.239
It's got enough trouble carrying traffic.
00:46:33.360 --> 00:46:42.079
But the people, the memories, the life on the other side of it, those things have taught me what the bridge meant.
00:46:42.400 --> 00:46:44.079
They meant Anne was there.
00:46:45.360 --> 00:46:47.519
It meant the dogs and the cats were there.
00:46:47.760 --> 00:46:57.280
It meant the house, the pool, the trees, the maddening plumbing, the whatever fresh catastrophe had occurred while we were gone, we're all there.
00:46:58.320 --> 00:46:59.840
It meant home.
00:47:02.480 --> 00:47:05.920
And now I'm preparing to cross that bridge in the other direction.
00:47:06.639 --> 00:47:09.760
This time I won't be coming back at the end of the day.
00:47:11.199 --> 00:47:15.519
Which means that somewhere along the way the bridge has acquired a second message.
00:47:15.760 --> 00:47:18.559
It says it still says you're home.
00:47:19.840 --> 00:47:21.679
But it also says you're leaving.
00:47:21.760 --> 00:47:23.199
And that seems unfair.
00:47:23.360 --> 00:47:25.840
A bridge should have to pick one.
00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:33.760
But maybe hello and goodbye have always been much closer than we pretend.
00:47:33.920 --> 00:47:37.760
I mean, both of them happen at a threshold.
00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:44.559
Someone arrives, someone leaves, a hand goes up, arms open.
00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:54.079
A person stands in a doorway for three additional minutes because apparently nobody knows how to end this thing.
00:47:56.880 --> 00:47:59.760
The same gestures can do either job.
00:48:00.480 --> 00:48:02.239
The wave says hello.
00:48:02.639 --> 00:48:04.639
The wave says goodbye.
00:48:07.760 --> 00:48:11.360
The handshake begins the meeting and closes the deal.
00:48:11.840 --> 00:48:15.599
The kiss welcomes you home and sends you out the door.
00:48:16.159 --> 00:48:18.079
The hug says you're here.
00:48:20.320 --> 00:48:23.599
And then when it loosens, you're going.
00:48:25.599 --> 00:48:28.800
Maybe that's why some goodbyes feel so impossible.
00:48:31.119 --> 00:48:34.239
They require us to acknowledge two things at once.
00:48:37.039 --> 00:48:38.719
You were here.
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:42.159
And you will not be here now.
00:48:46.559 --> 00:48:50.320
But recognition doesn't disappear merely because someone does.
00:48:51.119 --> 00:48:55.280
Once another human being has taught you how to see them, you keep seeing them.
00:48:55.599 --> 00:48:57.679
In a joke, in a song.
00:49:01.360 --> 00:49:03.199
In the empty side of the bed.
00:49:05.039 --> 00:49:07.440
And the first glimpse of a bridge.
00:49:14.960 --> 00:49:16.079
There you are.
00:49:18.159 --> 00:49:22.400
I don't know what Los Angeles will look like when it begins to mean home.
00:49:25.599 --> 00:49:28.320
Maybe it'll be the view from the windows.
00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:29.199
I don't know.
00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:33.679
Maybe it'll be the French door onto the balcony.
00:49:50.079 --> 00:49:53.760
Maybe it'll be a particular turn off Sunset Boulevard.
00:49:56.320 --> 00:50:02.800
Maybe one day I'll be coming back from somewhere, see one completely ordinary thing, and feel the message arrive.
00:50:03.360 --> 00:50:05.840
Before I've even understood what sent it.
00:50:07.280 --> 00:50:08.239
You're here.
00:50:15.360 --> 00:50:16.880
And I'll answer.
00:50:17.440 --> 00:50:19.760
Because that's what a hello asks to do.
00:50:21.440 --> 00:50:32.320
Not merely to speak, not merely to wave or shake hands or lean forward towards someone while keeping our lower body in another zip code.
00:50:33.119 --> 00:50:34.800
No, it asks us to notice.
00:50:36.559 --> 00:50:38.480
A person, a place, a life.
00:50:38.880 --> 00:50:42.239
Feeling just as me tonight.
00:50:42.639 --> 00:50:45.599
And if we're very lucky, something answers.
00:50:46.719 --> 00:50:47.199
There you are.
00:50:49.039 --> 00:50:50.239
So goodbye, Cape Cod.
00:50:54.079 --> 00:50:55.599
Hello, Los Angeles.
00:50:58.559 --> 00:51:01.119
An aunt that somehow sets me free.
00:51:01.360 --> 00:51:02.320
There you are.
00:51:28.079 --> 00:51:29.519
Make it true.
00:51:29.760 --> 00:51:34.079
Empty rooms filled with memories.
00:51:36.159 --> 00:51:53.679
Faces I don't know, but somehow understand they're waiting to every stranger passing by could be the one to see.
00:51:57.519 --> 00:52:03.360
The light inside my heart turned into breakfast.