Mastering Relationship Dynamics with Effective Boundaries

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I'd say it is the most mindful and kind version of self-discipline.
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Hello, my loves, and welcome to the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast, where we discuss all things thought, work and manifestation, but we use neuroscience and the study of the brain to do so.
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I'm your host, tessa Spiezak.
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I'm a board certified practitioner, master, life and health coach and seasoned executive speaker.
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If you're ready to create your highest value lifestyle and turn your dream life into a reality, you're in the right place.
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Let's get right in to today's episode.
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Hello, hello, my loves, and welcome back to the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast.
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As you know, I so appreciate you spending your time with me here and I'm honored to be part of your journey.
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Whether you tune in every single week or this is the first time you are joining this conversation, if you haven't done so, make sure that you hit subscribe so that you never lose part of our chat and, honestly, I am so excited to talk about this today.
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I think this is a perfect time to do so, especially with most folks coming up on some kind of holiday season right now.
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That might mean maybe you're going to be around some people that you have different relationships with, or even if it's just the fact that we're coming up on the end of the year, it seems like a really great time to discuss this, and it's following the theme that we've been going with for the last few weeks, which is really just keeping some personal inventory taken, some inventory, and that just means being really really mindful of what's going on with us, of course, focusing on adding more of the things that fill us up, bring us light, bring us good, and getting clear on what we want to clear out right Some of the things that don't serve us so much and that we really just don't love.
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So I've actually been thinking about this specific topic for a while now and I haven't been able to get the exact words together behind it in a way to make a really meaningful podcast.
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But today, just as many good thoughts come to us, it hit me a good shower thought and it clicked, so I immediately came to record this.
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I'm so excited and it's about the topic that I know is covered a lot.
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But this is in a different way and it's about, as you see in the title, our boundaries and, like I said, I know there's been a lot of conversations around setting boundaries with other people and I am going to touch on that, but I want to go deeper.
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So, even if you feel that you're really really good at setting boundaries in your life, if you maintain really healthy, successful boundaries with your personal relationships, that's wonderful, but I do still suggest that you stick around, because I've got something really juicy for you.
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Whether you're new to kind of setting these boundaries, you're starting it out, maybe have a few, or you're an expert, your boundaries are perfect.
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Coming out with me here today, this is going to be a really good chat.
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So, with all of that being said, regardless if we are boundary setting champions or not, we all know that they are important.
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Boundaries really help determine what is okay and what is not okay in a relationship, and when I say relationship, I don't just mean romantic.
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This could be your friends, partners, coworkers, bosses or people that you just interact with on a regular basis, and, of course, your romantic partner that, too, someone you're dating, all of it.
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But boundaries with everyone, when needed, are great because they essentially help establish guidelines for both how you expect to be treated and how you engage with people, the people that you are creating an ongoing relationship with and, of course, these people should have boundaries, too.
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Boundaries they protect everybody.
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So they're good things.
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Like I said, they help keep our relationships healthy.
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We make sure that there's a sense of mutual respect that works for each person and, if you ask me I think that's the sake of a healthy relationship is some sense of mutual benefit you're gaining from being, from around this person.
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You both are, and that's the beauty of it.
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But the most important rule of boundaries and we know it, it's that boundaries are not for anyone other than you.
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Your boundaries are about you and now they're not rules that you're imposing on anyone, right?
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This isn't some weird idea where I'm trying to tell you to put rules on people for how they can communicate or act around you.
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That's not the case.
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It doesn't work if you're trying to tell someone what they can or cannot do as a rule, but boundaries instead are just informing people what and how you will respond to certain IFU.
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That's all.
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So sometimes we do have to set boundaries in or usually, I would think, in situations again, that keep us safe, that keep us away from negative things.
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So, for example, telling someone hey, you can't speak to me that way, that's not a boundary.
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I mean that has a time and a place.
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Sure, I'm not saying don't say that, but telling someone hey, if you speak to me in that manner whether it's name calling, yelling, derogatory, derogatory, excuse me, whatever if you speak to me in that manner, I will in the conversation I'll leave, or in some cases, you know, I'll just never engage in conversation with you again if you keep this up.
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It has to be that far right, depending on what relationship this is.
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Or say here's another example that I think we've all been through.
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One of you are beloved friends.
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You love them unconditional, right, but they are just being a negative nilly and they're calling you very frequently to complain about the happenings in your life.
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That kind of bring in you down along with them.
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We love them, but when they do this, I said, their energy is bringing us down.
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Maybe it's to the point where just seeing their name on your phone is kind of giving you that jolt of anxiety.
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You may love them and you want to really continue this relationship, but you know the way that they communicate with you right now is actively pushing you away and you don't want to talk like that anymore.
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You want to have your friend.
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So I obviously don't advise that you would say something like don't call me and complain anymore, because obviously that's not a good friend move.
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Or doing something like you have to ask me if I have the headspace before you dump this on me, which again that's kind of mean vernacular and I know no one would really say that maybe it's getting closer.
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But to set a healthy boundary in a way that empowers you both and allows you to both make clear decisions is maybe saying something like babe, I really really appreciate how close we've gone, how much you trust me with this information and how open you are with me.
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But, friend, if you need to vent to me, I'm going to need you to give me a heads up, because if I don't have the headspace at the time, I really can't do it.
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I'm going to have to get off the phone.
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Or again, if it is more serious because I know some folks have even been talking with me in our one on one sessions about sometimes really serious boundaries that's why I'm trying to give this range here is maybe saying something like I really love and value our friendship, but I feel like the majority of the time that we talk, you are being so negative and it feels like a constant negativity and I am personally really trying to work on my positivity, or increasing my vibe, or changing the way that I think, or whatever your vernacular is, whatever it is that you're going through what your values are and just explain to them, and whatever way that is, is that, hey, I love you, I value our friendship, but I can no longer be around this type of conversation.
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You can totally tell them why or why not, but let them know what will happen.
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I won't be able to talk to you like this anymore, or whatever the case may be.
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So now, last example, just because, again, like I said earlier, for a lot of folks we're coming up on holiday time and this is when I was specifically asked about recently is what?
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If there is someone who has a habit of giving you unsolicited advice, we'll call it instead of responding to them with stop telling me what to do all the time, which is clearly usually not the right answer, especially if it's well-meaning family or what I'm trying to get at there, but maybe even saying I'm doing my best.
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Please stop telling me how to do this.
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Maybe that's a little kinder, but it's not boundary setting.
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Maybe a proper boundary here could be.
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Hey, I really do understand that you have great intentions and I appreciate your help.
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However, this discussion here.
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I'm not willing to do this anymore.
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I'm literally happy to talk to you about whatever else, but I'm not able to have this conversation with you and again, if necessary, really adding on whatever that consequence will be if they don't follow that boundary and say, fill in the blank, maybe I'll have to leave this event if you do that, or our relationship might have to change.
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In this way, you get the drill here.
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So, overall, I know those might have been kind of intense examples but, like I said, that's specific ones that I've been asked lately, so I thought that would be great examples for us to give in this chat.
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But overall, the things that make something a boundary are One that it's empowering.
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It's something that serves you in a way that you need to be comfortable or safe or fill in the blank, and again, from both parties.
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But also, your boundaries are about you.
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It's not about anyone else.
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It's about your response to something, your response to an action and, again, how you would respond.
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Third, condition of a boundary is that you can enforce it because the response is in your control.
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And fourth, if the boundary is violated, if someone doesn't stick to it or honor it.
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You've already explained what will happen.
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This isn't punishment, this isn't being rude.
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This is if you talked to me this way, I'm going to leave the conversation.
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This is if you fill in the blank.
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I am going to do this, so there's a clear cut answer there and you're able to just move forward.
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So again, boundaries are empowering.
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They're about you and they leave you in the driver's seat to make the decision about what happens in response to certain actions or certain stimuli or whatever.
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And doing a little research, I saw something that said this is actually an image clip, so I'm just going to read it and it says what a boundary is versus what a boundary is not.
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A boundary is centered on your own needs, your own thoughts and your own behaviors.
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It's protecting your finite energy and resources, and it's a way to invite others to love you too.
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Ooh, I love that.
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What a boundary is not and this is kind of what I've been talking about here too is it's not centered around someone else's thoughts, actions or behaviors.
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It's not about changing the other person's behaviors, even and again ooh, I love this last one on this side as well.
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The boundary is not is walls to keep loved ones out and it's not one size fits all.
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It is what it is.
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Ooh, I like that a lot.
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So a boundary is a way to invite others to love you and it is not a way to keep walls out, and it's not one size fits all.
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I like that a lot and I know you've heard a lot of different ways or methods of figuring out really what your boundaries should be and if there's any area that you need to set them.
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I know there's a lot of ways we can do it, but what I believe is the most simple, cut and dry answer is this it's three steps.
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One, get clear on what your values are, your true, honest values.
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What do you want out of a certain relationship and what type of relationship would be valuable to both you and that other person?
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Is there something specific that this relationship needs to entail or specifically does not entail Kind of more so, like we've been talking about, like a line that cannot be crossed.
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So first get clear on what your values are.
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Then, second, once you've established those values and what you want out of it, actually give yourself permission to want that out of your relationship or partnership.
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One of the biggest problems I see with people in boundary setting and building that boundary setting skill is knowing what their boundaries are and where they would like to set them, but never actually communicating them or not communicating them in a meaningful way.
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Again, people aren't mind readers.
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So I just want you to know if you haven't set boundaries in whatever this relationship is, you probably don't have boundaries.
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If you're not specific about what your boundaries include or exclude, it really just causes a lot of confusion for both of you.
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We don't know how we need to show up for each other.
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So they're really important there.
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And the third step so get clear on what you want, give yourself permission to have those boundaries and communicate them.
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And three is be consistent.
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You have to make your boundaries known and stick to it.
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If you don't stick to it, the boundary has essentially lost its meaning and it won't work because you're showing that it's not actually a boundary, it's just something that's a little flexible.
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Maybe it's a preference, right, which the nice people, the people that love us, right?
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They're going to show up for our preferences too.
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But again, boundaries are important.
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So being for real about it and keeping it clear.
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If you're going back and forth on it, then it's not an effective boundary and again creates a lot of confusion for you and the person you're in relationship with.
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And that was kind of a lot, but I think that gives us a really good overview exactly what you need to know of why.
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We want to be clear on both what our boundaries are, but also how to set them, and here's the crucial part allowing the same respect in the opposite direction, meaning other people's boundaries of us right.
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But here's the thing I want you to consider.
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This is the shower thought coming through.
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We just had to get through all of the important parts of a boundary first, but do you have healthy, strategic boundaries that honor you, your mental health, for bettering your own relationship with you?
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We talk about how boundaries are meant to create strong, healthy relationships with all of those around us, but what about strong and healthy relationships that are the most important one, the relationships we have with ourselves?
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And I think some signs.
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If we see this popping up in our lives, this might be a sign that we might need to tighten up our boundaries with ourselves.
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It could be something like this you know, when your life just feels like a lack structure, maybe it feels like certain aspects of our life or the things that are so important to us, they just feel like they're falling through the cracks.
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Maybe certain aspects of our routine really need tightening up, like maybe we need to get our finances are in check, or something in physical health, nutrition we have to work on a piece of our mental health.
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Maybe our vices are taking a bit too strong of a hold.
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You know scrolling when it doesn't feel good anymore, having a drink, even when you said you probably weren't, or a big one.
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This is, I think, one of the biggest signs is if you find yourself having a pretty similar or almost the exact same thought at the end or the start of each day.
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That's like I wish I didn't do that, or I wish I finally did do that, and that one's repeating over and over and over Maybe it's been days, weeks, months, sometimes even years Then that's a big clue that it's time to set some boundaries with you on that thing as well.
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I mean setting boundaries with yourself.
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I'd say it is the most mindful and kind version of self discipline.
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I'd honestly say it's an essential part of our self care, our self love.
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It's just like establishing guidelines or maybe even limits on our own actions, behaviors and habits, just like keeping our relationships with others healthy and thriving.
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I'm telling you my loves.
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The answer is also to set them with you.
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Setting boundaries with yourself really helps prioritize your own needs, your own values and your well being, not above or against anyone else.
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To be clear, we're all about our love pouring onto others, overflowing love onto others around us around here.
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It's all about giving yourself love and intentional boundaries just to make sure that you're doing that successfully.
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Whatever you're pouring onto you is what is spilling onto the people you love.
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So the more good you pour onto you, the more good your entire environment gets.
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I'd say when we're good at setting or forming boundaries with ourselves, that's what really establishes the framework for a balanced and healthy life.
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It absolutely can prevent burnout or help prevent burnout, and hello.
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In today's world that is so important.
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But having boundaries with you are key and if you stick to it, as we know, we might have to refer to the science of happiness episode, but when we stick to these things, it makes us happier.
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Our brain loves it.
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When we complete a task and move in the direction that brings us excitement and joy turns into the reward center of the brain and it wants more of it again, hacking our brain to get back on our sides.
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So sorry, I have a little tangent there, but that's what I want you to think about this week.
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Have you set boundaries with yourselves in terms of where you are in life or where you'd like to go, maybe in this upcoming year?
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Do the boundaries that you do have with yourself, do they need some adjusting?
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Is there an area that you could benefit from just giving a little bit more attention?
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In what ways could this make you feel good?
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And we're all about feeling better, moving into the lifestyle that we want and that we deserve.
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So, especially if this resonated with you, keep in mind, keep it in mind throughout the week.
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Take some intentional inventory on how you're feeling, on how you're acting or what you're doing, making sure or checking in.
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Do I feel powerful?
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Do I feel like I'm in control of these scenarios?
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And next week, make sure you come back to our conversation and maybe ready to take a few notes, because we're going to be mapping out how you can have that check in with you.
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And if you need a little bit more muscle behind the boundaries that you set with yourself, make sure you don't miss it, because we'll be going there too, but let me say I'm so proud of everyone who is part of this conversation today.
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Thank you for taking time, however, or wherever you're listening from, to just spend some intentional time thinking about how you show up for the people in your relationships, how you are having people show up for you, and, as I said, next week we'll dive into more of how you can set boundaries with yourself in the name of self care and self love, and all of my love to each and every one of you.
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But all right, my loves, that's where I'll leave us today.
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I want to thank you so much for joining in on this conversation with me, and each week, every Monday, we're going to be posting a new episode, going a little bit deeper into the conversation, of what you can do to train your brain on purpose to really allow for the lifestyle that you want to live.
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Until next time, my loves.
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In the meantime, here's to your health and your happiness.