We Made It… Eventually | Jess & Sarah Take Orlando & Harmony of the Seas

Jess: so this episode is a little different. No murder, no missing person, no horrifying true crime story. Although, honestly, based on the way the trip started, there were a few moments where Jess probably considered leaving me somewhere in Florida. There were moments. This is the story of Jess and Sarah taking on Orlando, Harmony of the Seas, and Coco Cay And apparently every possible transportation issue that could happen along the way. Yeah, and I would like the records to show that things were going perfectly fine until I asked Sarah for directions. That is completely fair. Because if there is one thing everybody should know about me, never ask me for last minute navigation advice. I am a believer in the map. If the map says go straight, I go straight. If the road is physically missing, I'm still thinking, well, Google probably knows something we don't. So it started out perfectly. Jess picks me up around 10 a.m. in the morning. I'm a little nervous, but I'm thinking Jess travels. She flies all the time. She knows what she's doing. I'm safe. Not safe. Mistake number one. Immediately we hit construction and the map is not mapping. And this is a thing she keeps saying, the map is mapping, the map is mapping. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? It's doing that thing where the road on your phone and the road in front of you are apparently two completely different places. Then Jess makes a catastrophic decision. She asks me, Do you think I should get off here? And what do I say? No, I think you should stay on. Yep, that's what she said. And I listened. Which was your second mistake? Because about thirty seconds later the map recalculates and adds something like seventeen minutes. Now I'm sitting in the passenger seat panicking because I know deep down Jess absolutely would have gone the right way if I would have just kept my mouth shut. So now we've burned another ten or twelve minutes, but okay, we're still fine. We're going to the airport. Our plan is to park in the garage, which by the way. Brian and I tried once before and we swore we would never do it again. But did I mention that to Jess? Of course not. Because again, Jess travels. She knows things. My husband knows things. Jessica doesn't say I learned that. So we finally get to the garage and what does the sign say? Parking lot full. Yeah. that's when the panic started in. I did not have it at all. This time I'm looking at Sarah and I'm going, be optimistic, Sarah. Quit being so negative, Sarah. She was fine. Not even rush driving anything. Not drive around a little. Not maybe there's one spot. No, FULL There was a guy out there like, not today. So now it's after 11. Our flight starts boarding at 1228. The garage attendant points us back towards the big blue deck. Which we had already driven past. So now we are literally driving in a circle. We finally get to the big blue deck. That thing is packed too. We're driving around forever trying to find a spot. Finally find one. Get the luggage out. Run to the shuttle. And then wait ten minutes for the shuttle. Then there's the shuttle. Then escalators At some point I'm trying to get my giant suitcase down an escalator and nearly launch the entire forty-four pound suitcase myself and my other luggage directly onto Jess, below me. I I have a major fear of escalators. I don't think she knows this, but my whole family makes fun of me because I have to like stop. Put one on, put the other one on, and I'm like extra cautious. Just imagine if you knew I was literally about to drop my load on you. I'm not even kidding when I say that. She almost took me out before we even reached Florida. Which would have saved us a lot of trouble, honestly. Yeah, it really would have. So eventually we make it to the baggage counter. And at this point, we know, deep down, we know we missed it. Jess's daughter and grandson are already on the plane. They made it. They're sitting there waiting for us to walk on. We are nowhere near walking on. So now Jess and I need help. naturally we scan the area and decide to find the person who looks the most important. And we see this Delta guy in a suit. And Sarah says, wait, the one who looks the nicest, so they can help us. she's trying to pinpoint the schmuck of the group that feels guilty. So I'm like that guy. He looks important. So I walk directly up to him and say Sir, we are in trouble. And I explained everything construction, map, parking garage, other parking garage, the shuttle, our entire personal tragedy. And he basically tells us, Well, you missed your flight, so you'll have to buy another flight. My heart sinks. Then suddenly he has a solution and a pamphlet. Of course there's a pamphlet. He tells me if I apply for this credit card, he can get us on the 2 p.m. flight and reimburse us the checking bag fees for me and Jess. Now I'm panicked. My only goal is get us to Florida. So I'm thinking, this man is saving our lives. Scan apply. Congratulations, Sarah, you now own another credit card. but he does what he said. We got the later flight, we got the bag fees back, we're on our way. Late but alive. So now here's where this gets interesting. On our way home, I end up talking with another Delta employee in Orlando because obviously I talk to everybody. And I tell him what happened. And he basically tells me, you should have gotten moved to the later flight anyway. And I'm like, what? Excuse me? So this amazing favor I thought this guy did for me in Detroit may not have been much of a favor at all. Then this Orlando guy tells me, This is apparently something he's heard complaints about before, and tells me I should report the situation. And that bothered me because I was clearly desperate. I thought I had lost my flight. My friend's family was already flying to Florida without us. I wasn't there sitting calmly comparing shopping credit cards. I was basically just get me on the plane. So yes, that definitely rubbed me the wrong way, but at the time we had a flight and we were happy. So we get to Orlando, everything is finely smooth for approximately six minutes. We find the hotel shuttle area. Call our hotel, they say we're on the way. A Marriott shuttle pulls up. We're Marriott people. We say, Great, get on. Ride to the hotel. Then we pull up and I notice something. This Marriott doesn't say town place. And then we slowly both realize we got on the wrong shuttle. Yeah. So we explained to the driver everything that already happened that And this man was so nice. he's going to take us to the correct hotel. we finally pull up. There's another shuttle driver there laughing his ass off. And we're confused. And then he goes, I was looking everywhere for you guys. That was our shuttle. We literally stole another Marriott shuttle. That was funny. We did. So Rock and Bruise and my new best friend. That's Sarah. She makes a best friend everywhere she goes. Like I'm not her best friend at that moment. It's that new person she met that's shiny and new she's my friend. She follows us. So we get checked in And now that we've survived transportation for the day, we go to find food. We end up at Rock and Brews Very cool place. Kind of like low key, hard rock vibes, So the next day the kids go off To do Universal Studio stuff or in Sarah script Disney stuff. But I don't think Universal is really Disney. They're two separate entities. I don't know that. I never was able to afford them. So we start at Icon Park around ten AM and apparently ten AM is approximately four hours before anybody in Orlando wants to be live. We're the only ones on the streets. Like looking like hookers. I was in my miniskirt. So there was nobody there. It was actually adorable. So they're all ready. They had everything decorated for Halloween. Giant monsters decoration. So it was a very cute atmosphere. And even though we may have been the only customers in the entire complex, we liked it. And we decided we're going into Master Orlando Transportation. Jess decided she's going to go. She was like, I'm needing to scan this and buy us tickets. Because it's so hard to figure out ways to go. Like you're gonna Uber 18 times. And that was my first trolley. I did not know there's levers you pull and things like that. She goes on. I would have been sitting on there all day, like why why do we keep passing my mark? Yeah, like why didn't he stop? my god. I love it. So we do this. That confidence would come back to haunt us. So we get on this transportation and we make our way over to City Walk. Much busier, really cool, and free to walk around and explore. you do have to go through security, and I learned quickly, Florida really wants you to know guns are not allowed. And that's basically almost every establishment. There was no gun signs everywhere. Luckily, I left mine at home. So we go first to the chocolate emporium, which I must say is amazing. Did you not think it was amazing? I really like the drinks. And I can never do chocolate because I think it's too much, but yours was amazing. They were chocolatey deliciousness. So it's a very chocolatey mine was fruity. yeah. Mine was fruity. Or well my drink was chocolatey. So there's little characters were walking around and they were doing little role play things. It was pretty cool. and their desserts looked like artwork. Stuff that you didn't even want to touch or eat or destroy. Our waitress was great. she's one of those feisty ones, but I won her over pretty quickly. And she helped us figure out where I could go smoke, which obviously became important travel information for me, of course. And she starts telling us about all these random free things we can see. Apparently there's a piece of the Berlin Wall at the hard rock area, which we forgot to go see. We're not going to see it. Maybe next time. So, and there's free boats you can take to the different homes. hotels which I thought was cool because that stuff you automatically might think costs money and it doesn't. It's free. You could go have a day with your family and they'll think they're at Universal Studios. You can see their coasters. You can So and there we went. Yep, like regular tourists here we go. So then we go over to the Hard Rock Hotel and we look at the memorabilia, the clothes from the musicians, art, s and then we go into a store. Everything's really cool. Also Clearly a little above what Sarah would like to spend on a hotel. they had like outfits of like stars and pajamas. looking is free and that kinda became more than Yeah, just wandering around, exploring, seeing What eventually we got back around Icon Park and realized, there is way more here than we thought, which We find the art house, get an appetizer, have some drinks, and then Jess has an idea. The trolley incident. I checked it. She assured me she checked it. Just is very excited because we're gonna take the trolley back to our hotel. She says. She says. She says it's Mary A She says it's Marriott Town and Sweets. Something along those lines. We ride this trolley for maybe ten minutes, get off and just looks around. And then she says, I don't remember being this close to SeaWorld. I don't remember being this close to SeaWorld. And I go, I know how cool we should have walked there. I like still didn't get it in my head. Then you know you got us lost. And I'm like, How did I not notice that? Yes. Exactly. And where we're supposed to I was still so excited, just really got us home. No. And then I see her face. There's concern. I pull up my trusty map, and the map informs us we are a 35-minute walk from our hotel. Wrong, Marriott, again. At this point, there's nothing left to do but laugh. We order an Uber. Sweetest lady. And before we get in, Jeff says just don't talk this woman's ear off. Guess what I did? Yeah. I talked her ear off. She did. I can't help it. People want to talk to me. I attract conversations. And she was lovely. Our Orlando Adventure was officially complete. Now it was cruise time. Yep. Harmony of the seas. Yes. Lucky for me, Ron couldn't make this cruise. So Jess was sweet enough to invite me. Thanks, Ron. I hurt my back pretty badly and wasn't even sure I was going to go. Then last minute, I'm like, yes, I need this. And for once, transportation works. Jess gets us to the correct shuttle, correct location, correct ship. Everything is going beautifully. Which should have been suspicious. We finally find our hallway. We're getting closer to our room. And I notice these big fans. I say, cool. We get fans in our hallway. Nobody else does. We must be special. Then the smell hits. Mm hmm. Yeah. something has leaked into the carpet. And they had the fans blasting and the hallways smelled terrible. Thankfully our room didn't smell, but I don't think that's true. After they fixed the hallway. Or it stuck. Yeah. But the poor crew member responsible for our section was getting absolutely destroyed by guests. one guy's yelling, You can't just dry the carpet. It has to come up. The padding has to come out. And honestly, he wasn't wrong. it was bad. And that was a problem too, 'cause they have to stop. my gosh, it was so loud every time. Every time we leave ten guys they're Zoom zoom in right by our door. Couldn't even fart. Peace. my god. So dramatic. Not that I fart. Mm-mm. Eventually they did pull the carpet back and replace the padding. And the smell got much better. So Royal Caribbean, if you're listening, I'll take my compensation in cruise credits. Yes. Because we were really nice to your staff. Yeah, we were not nice to your staff. He would have quit. You You would have had to save him, we would have heard the alerts going 'cause I don't know how he handled that, but he did. He did. And I don't think he would have quit though. I think they're used to this. I think this is a normal thing. But how out of all the hallways was ours the one? That evening Alexis took us to one fifty Central Park. Beautiful restaurant, very elegant, French inspired, That's not Sarah's natural habitat. But it was gorgeous. The wine was flowing. I had fried cheesecake for dessert. It was amazing. then we spend the rest of the evening exploring the ship. And there's a lot going on. There's trivia, singing, activities, shows, but a lot of it just wasn't really our thing. I'm terrible at trivia. That's true. I'm not good either. I was like, whatever, I'll sit through it and listen to other people do it. None of us sing. No, none of us sing. So Jess apparently believes she's a Motown trivia champion. Even though she didn't play the game, she just sat there working on her podcast. And since this is only a two-night cruise, everything feels fast. You board, you unpack, you explore, and suddenly it's like, okay, ready? Island time. Yes. So Coco K. Next morning we head to Coco K. We start at the secret garden. Really cute, very peaceful walking in, hammocks throughout the trees, lizards and hermit crabs. We get into the garden and there's this little tiki bar in waterfall. We're sitting there peacefully having a drink and suddenly we hear women screaming and what sounds like somebody spraying a hose. We turn around, there's a huge lizard sitting on top of the umbrellas, and apparently this lizard waited until these women walked underneath, moved to the edge and peed directly on them. that lizard had to been hydrating. Yeah. He's been saving it for a while. I got a picture of the criminal afterwards. But I did miss the golden shower. Which honestly would have been incredible podcast content. Yeah. Then we head over to the South Beach. Because apparently chat GPT told me that is where the party's at. That's where the party's at. There was no party. No. I was like, what is going on? Where are we? Twilight Zone? Right. So we get there, we have some drinks, talk about the podcast, talk about life, enjoy the water and the view. Occasionally a lizard walks by. Jess really loves birds. I learned. She loves birds. So then we check our nature trail, eventually make our way toward the oasis pool, which was really cool. That was like the center of the island. And before leaving we did get a cheeseburger and some really bangin' mozz sticks. And I swear Give me some fried cheese, I'm on it. So then we thought, you know what, everybody's on the island. Let's go back to the ship while it's quiet. I learned that on a YouTube video. Yeah, and her tips and tips. So it was not as quiet as we hoped, We were hoping we'd have the whole floor to ourselves. it was easier to get those elevators that's for sure. if you've ever been on these giant ships, the stairs eventually become your best friend or your worst enemy. The ship itself was beautiful. Lots of food, lots of drinks, tons to explore. We did find the casino because obviously we need to know where to go to lose our money. Yes. And there we lost our money. We So then we go hang out in the room, people watch from the balcony and get ready for our night. Yeah. we head to the casino and I discover I can use cash. Yeah, Just said I couldn't. I did tell her she couldn't and I brought a bunch. I was like, dang. Yeah, because her husband gave her money. And I was nervous to play on a card. So I thought you just scan your card and you just play as much as you want and then it just charges your card. So I thought it was just never ending as much as you push this. I didn't realize you were setting an amount. So you use cash. Yeah. And unfortunately my jackpot never came. Did yours? No, not at all. It was rude. we did find the art floor. Yeah, we wandered around some more. Yeah, seen some amazing pieces. And we found that Motown trivia, which she was amazing at. Yes. even though we didn't play. And we just watched everybody else. That a lady next to me, I thought she was gonna be much better, so I felt kinda bad that I was like, I'm gonna see how good you do and she did really good. on More than one occasion. We accidentally end up in the thirteen to seventeen year old year old area. I'm like, my god, get us out of here. They're going to arrest us. We're not supposed to be here. We're just hanging out with the 19-year-olds. I swear we didn't do anything. Yes. And then Jess found us karaoke. Yeah. The one time we show up, guess what it is? Teen karaoke. Which explains the staff looking at these grown women like can we why are you here? The karaoke starts in fifteen minutes. So I'm like, Well, sounds like we have to get up and go somewhere else. Yeah, couldn't hang out there. No. It was very uncomfortable. So two days is not enough days. It's not. Not for all that work. Yeah. Yeah. Like you need a day of break in between. And better events. Yeah, we missed bingo 'cause we must have been at our fancy dinner. They only did the good bingo like night one, which night one is so hard. You really do have to plan your days. If you want the best out of a cruise, you have to sign up for those things. Alexis has got cancelled twice. Twice. Yeah, that part sucks. There are two different excursions canceled twice. We get to the island, then you realize you can do excursions direct from the island. We thought we had to book with the ship. So then she gets there and those are all sold out too. Eventually we were exhausted because people who have never cruised think it's just sitting by a pool, drink after drink, relaxing. But it's not. It's actually work. You walk approximately seven hundred miles a day. you never know where you are, what side of the boat you're on. Your elevator is always full, so you can't get on. You're ten decks away from your room, and apparently I pack enough luggage for ten humans to survive six months at sea for a two-day cruise, That all happened. Yes. Thankfully I remembered something from a previous cruise. We put our luggage outside the night before so we didn't have to drag it down the flights of stairs the next morning when thousands of people are trying to leave the ship. Which if you notice That probably would have happened. Yeah, that's a bottleneck. That happened to me on my first cruise too. And I was like, Never again. So would I do a two-day cruise again? No. Would you? no. In fact, I think this made me not want to do another cruise again, unless it's like a European cruise or something I will go on another cruise though. Will you? Yeah. Yeah, all in all, I don't regret the time. It was a good experience. I'll never forget. And we laughed a lot. Yeah. Even if it was at us, it w it was still it was true. Yes. It was fine. So what did Jess and Sarah learn? Don't ask Sarah for directions. Correct. Don't assume every Marriott shuttle is your Marriott Shuttle. Also correct. If a trolley drops you off next to SeaWorld and your hotel wasn't next to SeaWorld when you left, you probably made a mistake. Two day cruises are exhausting. Lizards are vindictive. Teen areas on cruise ships are apparently magnetic to middle aged podcasters. And if your trip doesn't go exactly according to plans, sometimes you just have to laugh. Because despite construction, parking disasters, missing our flight, wrong shuttle, wrong hotel, wrong trolley stop, smelly cruise ship carpet, getting peed nearby a lizard. Losing money in the casino. And repeatedly finding ourselves surrounded by teenagers. We really had a good time. And I got to do it with my best friend and fellow podcaster. And that is our vacation edition of Talking Trash and Tacos. Mm-hmm.