ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Do your conversations end in silence, defensiveness, or words you wish you could take back? Are unhealthy patterns undermining your marriage? How can you communicate with honesty, kindness, and self-control?
For parents of children with disabilities, communicating with each other in the midst of stress can be hard. Therapist Katie Gohde and her husband, Steve Gohde, join Amy Julia Becker to bring helpful skills to hard conversations. (And while this interview focuses on marriage, these communication tools are must-haves for every relationship.)
00:00 Communication and Marriage
05:17 Four Communication Styles
10:00 Emotional Regulation and Communication
12:19 Practicing Assertiveness
14:10 Tools for Better Communication
18:03 Staying Calm in Chaos
19:22 Practicing and Repairing
23:07 Next Steps for Better Communication
25:01 Encouragement for Men
MENTIONED IN EPISODE 34:
- Is Your Marriage Just Surviving? Disability, Chronic Stress, and Caregiving • Monica DiCristina, LPC {Episode 32}
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SUBSCRIBE to Amy Julia's weekly Substack newsletter: amyjuliabecker.substack.com
WATCH this conversation on YouTube: Amy Julia Becker on YouTube
JOIN the conversation on Instagram: @amyjuliabecker
LISTEN to more episodes: amyjuliabecker.com/shows/
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ABOUT:
Katie Gohde is a licensed professional counselor who works with couples and families, and Steve spent 15 years in corporate America before starting his own firm. Together, they lead workshops on marriage, communication, conflict, boundaries, and what it takes to build strong families.
They’ve been married for 21 years and live in Atlanta with their two children and a growing collection of pets.
www.renewandrestore.com
Instagram @katie_gohde
Facebook - @RenewAndRestoreAtlanta
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Take the Next Step is a resource from the Hope Heals Network, a collective of thought leaders offering honest and hopeful wisdom to help people flourish in the good and hard parts of their stories. To learn more about the work of Hope Heals, visit hopeheals.com or follow @hopeheals on Instagram.
SHOW NOTES 🔗
TRANSCRIPT 🔗
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Do you and your spouse ever have conversations that end in silence, defensiveness, or words that you wish you could take back?
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I'm here today with Katie and Steve Gody.
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They are going to help me unpack communication patterns that can undermine a marriage, and they're here to offer practical ways for parents like us, parents of children with disabilities, so that we can communicate with greater honesty, kindness, and self-control.
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I'm Amy Julia Becker, and this is Take the Next Step, a podcast for families experiencing disability.
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We're part of the Hope Heals Network, bringing you weekly encouragement and practical next steps to help your family thrive.
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Your family matters, your child matters, and we need you among us.
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Before I give you Katie and Steve's bio, I do want to say I know that not everyone listening to this podcast is married.
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And yet everyone who's listening is affected by disability in your family.
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And we are all communicating with other family members in the context of our families affected by disability.
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And I do think that although we are talking specifically about married couples today, this episode should be helpful to anyone who wants to go from these more stressful patterns of communication into communication that involves clarity, kindness, and self-control.
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All right, here's the bio.
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Katie Gohde is a licensed professional counselor who works with couples and families.
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Steve, her husband, spent 15 years in corporate America before starting his own firm.
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And together they lead workshops on marriage, communication, conflict boundaries, and what it takes to build strong families.
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They've been married for 21 years and they live in Atlanta with their two children and a growing collection of pets.
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And here is my conversation with Katie and Steve.
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Well, today I have a special treat because I'm here not with one person, but with two.
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I'm here with my friends, uh Katie and Steve Gohde, and I'm so grateful that you both were able to be here with us today.
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Thank you.
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Of course.
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Happy to be here.
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I'm just happy to be called the special treat.
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Oh, yes.
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Well, we like so many of actually my guests here on Take the Next Step, um, met first at Hope Heel's camp where we got to serve as volunteers alongside each other.
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And the two of you offered a kind of a special workshop session for um families, for parents, for married couples in particular, um, because you were able to really share with all sorts of things, including how to communicate in marriage.
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And you were thinking in the context of Hope Heel's camp specifically about families affected by disability, which might, you know, we have all the same issues that anyone who's married has as far as communication, and sometimes just the additional pressures that come from being parents of children with disabilities.
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So I wanted to start just by asking you, Katie, if you could help us understand why communication is so important in marriage, um, especially in the context of being parents of kids with disabilities.
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Oh gosh, absolutely.
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Um, even though we are not raising children with disabilities, we have a really soft spot uh for those who are.
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And we have just loved being part of the Hope Heals family.
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Um, and I'm I'm a marriage therapist and um have been doing that for about 22 years.
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One of the things that I've noticed, because I do work mostly with um couples in crisis, couples who are under a tremendous amount of stress, sometimes chronic stress, um, like raising children with disabilities where there's kind of no known finish line to the stress.
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Um, what I've found is honestly the practical stuff is what makes the real impact.
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I mean, couples want to know what I can apply today that's accessible and that's gonna make a difference.
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And so I really try to focus on that.
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Um, and uh, you know, research shows that couples, uh, connected couples, they are practicing certain skills, a few skills.
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And um, and those skills help them to stay close even when life turns up the heat.
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And so that's kind of what I thought we'd talk about today is yeah um the skill, the art in, if you will, of of of healthy communication, you know, what works, what doesn't work, and how we can improve, because we can all improve.
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So uh that's that's why it's um so important.
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And that's yeah, what we really want to be doing here at Take the Next Step is actually addressing those very practical realities um when we know that our circumstances are not necessarily going to change, and yet we can actually um experience a different reality within our circumstances with some of these tools that we can practice together.
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So thank you so much for being here to do that.
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Um, I'll also mention now for anyone who's listening that we did have an episode with Monica DiCristina, who's another mutual friend and um also a partner with Katie in practice.
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Uh we had a conversation about chronic stress a couple of weeks ago.
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So if anyone kind of hears about that and wants to know more, that will be in the show notes and is also available.
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But Steve, I wanted to ask you to just kick it off with some conversation about how most people communicate if we aren't necessarily practicing what we've learned from you here today.
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What are our what are our default go-to, you know, just the things we might have picked up along the way, ways to communicate?
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Yeah, absolutely.
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But before we even get into that, one of the things that I want to talk about really quickly is we're a little bit of a um an experiment in our house.
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When Katie has these ideas or things that she is bringing home from her practice, she she tries them out on me as a guinea pig first.
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And if they're not really easy to implement, I mean like easy enough for me to implement, then they don't make it back into the real world.
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And so everything that we're gonna talk about here, really, I mean, it we apply it in our own lives and and it's and it's very simple, easy tactical tools.
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But but when we talk about communication styles, really we think we're complex people, but there's really only four communication styles out there, and and they're pretty darn consistent.
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Um passive, aggressive, passive, aggressive and assertive, right?
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Okay.
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Um and you know, we like to talk about these communication styles kind of like you're playing a game of catch.
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And, you know, when when we were kids, we learned to play a game of catch.
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When we were kids, we also learned how to communicate.
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And we brought that forward.
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And when you play catch, think of that ball that you're throwing back and forth like the message that you're trying to send to someone.
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And you want to be able to send that in a way that a person can receive it.
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And when you're doing one of these different communication styles, you're gonna treat that ball a little bit differently.
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So the passive communicator.
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Yeah.
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What they're gonna do is they're gonna take that baseball and rather than sending it over to you in a way that you can receive it, they're actually gonna take it, walk to the side of the field, put it down, and and hope that you walk past it, you know, and and maybe hope that you pick it up.
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And hope that you say, Hey, can you wanna play ball?
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Right?
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Um, but the reality is most of the time that that doesn't happen.
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And sooner or later, that passive communicator, they just get frustrated and resentful and they say, Why doesn't anybody ever want to play with me?
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Right.
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Um the aggressive communicator.
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Uh shocker, that is my default.
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Are you surprised with this looming voice?
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Yeah.
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Um we we tend to care more about getting the message across than whether or not the message gets received.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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And so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take that ball and I'm gonna throw it as hard as I possibly can at you.
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And when it hits, it's gonna, it's gonna hurt.
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Yeah, you know, and I made sure I got that message across.
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Right.
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Um, it doesn't build good relationships.
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Nobody wants to play ball with somebody that just keeps on pegging them with it, right?
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Right.
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Um that that third style, it's that mixed martial arts of bad communication, passive aggression.
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That would be me, by the way.
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So yeah.
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Go ahead.
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Me too, me too again.
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Um you know, they're the ones that are taking the ball, and they're gonna sneak up behind you, put it right behind your foot.
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So when you step backward, you're gonna trip on it, and you're gonna find the message, and when you do find it, it's gonna hurt, you know.
00:08:45.200 --> 00:08:47.759
Um and and all of those.
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There's not a single one of those that's that's a constructive way to communicate.
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Um, but also it's not a communication style that we're doing out of animosity.
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I'm not I'm not communicating in an aggressive manner with Katie.
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I love her.
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Like I want, I want to speak in a way that that she can understand that she can hear these messages.
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But the reality is when I grew up, I only learned one way to play baseball.
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That was it.
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That was my default.
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And so I don't do it out of animosity, I don't do it out of anger.
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I do it, we all do it because that's our default.
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That's what we know.
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Yeah.
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And so do you feel like, I mean, all of us were able to like raise our hands and say, that's me.
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At the same time, I know.
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I mean, I remember when I first started, my husband first started telling me that I was a passive aggressive communicator.
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And I literally was like, I don't really know what you're talking about.
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Like I it was what I learned.
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And I didn't, I I mean, I kind of was like, well, maybe, and he also is started off in the aggressive stance.
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Oh, that's interesting.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And I would like hide under the table, at least in my mind, when he started talking.
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You know, it was like, I can't, I can't receive this exactly what you just described.
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But neither of us thought of ourselves as being in those postures.
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So I guess before we get to like what we can do instead, uh, do you have any thoughts on just how we even recognize here's what I'm doing?
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Um, and here and then we'll talk about what another way would be.
00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:23.759
But at least for me, I needed to recognize that when I was like, so someday do you think you might take out the trash?
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Was like not actually like a way of saying, hey, you said you would take out the trash.
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It's full.
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Like it's time, you gotta do it, you know?
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Right.
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That was a big one for us for a long time.
00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:35.919
Anyway, for sure.
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A lot of couples, the trash, the dishes, these are like very common things, the driving.
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Um, so you know, the thought is not that profound, but what I would say is all of these ineffective styles are typically birthed from a place of emotional dysregulation.
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So, what I mean by that is we're triggered by some kind of discomfort or some kind of frustration.
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And so we're we're you're we're utilizing what we've either been modeled or what we've just been in the habit of practicing.
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So we kind of default to, you know, what we're the most familiar with when we're frustrated, triggered, emotionally dysregulated, right?
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Okay.
00:11:11.759 --> 00:11:14.639
Um, and so all of us, if you think about it, all of us are capable.
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We're gonna talk about the assertive style in a minute.
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All of us are capable of communicating in a healthy way at times, or we'd never have friends, lose our jobs.
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You know, we're we're capable, but when we're emotionally triggered, we're less able to access that decision making, that like, you know, self-control.
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Now we can, again, we can practice it, but it's really, you know, my silly answer to your very simple question is when we're emotionally dysregulated, this is why we do these things, because we're the most used to practicing these things.
00:11:44.639 --> 00:12:01.200
But so also, like in the context of this conversation, if we are in a home environment that does experience chronic stress, this is probably an even more important conversation, but also an even more challenging one to start practicing.
00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:02.639
Again, it's like we need it more.
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Yes, and maybe we are gonna have a hard time, harder time accessing it.
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Absolutely.
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Um, and I have a lot of compassion for that.
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Yeah.
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I mean, is it a little easier to practice if there's not a fire going on?
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Absolutely.
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Can we still do it?
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I really believe so.
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Um, and I've seen it in so many of my couples.
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So, really, you know, the so the style, the real style, the only effective style is is assertive.
00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:28.399
And I think there's a lot of misunderstandings about that word.
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Actually, sometimes I think people uh misconstrue assertive with aggressive.
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I totally, when you first said it, I was like, wait, there's a difference.
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And then I started thinking, and I'm like, oh, I'm there is, but I still think we need to like really spell that out.
00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:42.879
I do think there are misunderstandings about it.
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And I think some people think the word assertive is uh mean or whatever.
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And so what I I like to give the definition of assertive uh in in what I've seen with couples and what I try to teach them is that assertiveness is simply it's clear, it's it's kind, you know, you're holding your spouse or the other person in high regard as you're speaking to them.
00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:05.120
But it's again, as I mentioned, it's emotionally regulated.
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So it's we're in a place where we can choose to hold that person in high regard and we can choose to um uh deliver a clear message.
00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:21.120
Um, and so, you know, if Steve and I want to have a successful game of catch, we have to be doing this.
00:13:21.120 --> 00:13:22.639
We have to be practicing this.
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I have to, you know, throw in a way that he can receive it, you know, their eye contact, clear message, a calm tone.
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I mean, these are all decisions, micro decisions, um, uh in order for the game to uh to be effective.
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Um now the good news is, and as you mentioned, Amy Julia, I mean, we're all kind of aware of what we default to when we're not in a good spot.
00:13:45.360 --> 00:13:51.840
But I want to say the good news is there are anecdotes to the ineffective styles that can be practiced.
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And that phrase practice makes perfect is not a real thing, but practice does make progress.
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And we can form new neuropathways in our brains based on, you know, that the what path we're traversing.
00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:05.679
We're gonna practice this or we're gonna default to that.
00:14:05.679 --> 00:14:08.480
Both impact our brain and how we show up.
00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:17.600
And so um, yeah, so I I have some some anecdotes to the ineffective styles that I share with clients every week that I think could be helpful.
00:14:17.600 --> 00:14:25.519
Um, for my aggressive types, I offer a a gut check and then a redirecting prompt.
00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:31.200
So the gut check, right, for my aggressive types is hey, do you want to be right?
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Yes, I do.
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Or I absolutely want to be right.
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Or do you want to be in a relationship?
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Like both.
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More I want to be right.
00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:41.279
No, you're kidding.
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:47.600
But no, the reality is you sometimes you can have both, but often you cannot have both right and relationship.
00:14:47.600 --> 00:15:03.360
And so if you want to have a relationship, which you do and we do, and I'm sure your listeners and viewers do, then you need to I I think about it like a like be a good coach to yourself and take just a moment to pull yourself to the sidelines.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:06.720
This does not take an hour, it just takes a couple of moments, right?
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Where we pull ourselves to the sideline and we say, okay, do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?
00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:13.919
A couple of breaths, just a couple of breaths.
00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:16.639
That stutter step is so important to be aggressive.
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He calls it a stutter step.
00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:23.519
You know, you can feel when you're in an aggressive stance, you can feel the heat, you can feel the tension, maybe you clench your jaw.
00:15:23.600 --> 00:15:23.679
Yeah.
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:27.120
You know, there's lots of body cues to know you're in not a good spot, right?
00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:31.440
But so yeah, I mean, just kind of pulling yourself to the side, taking a couple of breaths.
00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:33.600
And then here's my redirecting prompt.
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I just say, what's the most important thing that you want to be able to get your spouse to understand?
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The most important thing, you know, that you're trying to get across.
00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:46.639
And how can you say it in a way that doesn't hurt them?
00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:54.240
I find that nine times out of 10, aggressive types really resonate with this kind of, you know, procedure of pulling themselves to the side.
00:15:54.240 --> 00:16:02.639
And and and really what happens is as they start to practice condensing their message, what's the most important thing you're trying to get across, right?
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:07.039
And and how can you say it in a way that is that doesn't hurt somebody?
00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:16.159
What they find is lo and behold, their exchanges are getting more productive, they're being heard, people are responding, it's working.
00:16:16.159 --> 00:16:22.399
And so they start to really honestly be able to recognize wow, I don't need harsh and loud to be effective.
00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:23.919
So it's really hopeful.
00:16:23.919 --> 00:16:31.919
I see a lot of people who just with those gut checks and that redirecting prompt start to practice new ways and change their relationships.
00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:34.480
Uh, so you don't need hours and you don't need a retreat.
00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:36.399
You know, you just need a little time out.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:38.559
Um, and and that can be helpful.
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:48.879
Now, for my passive and passive aggressive styles types, which I am one, um, I also offer a gut check and a redirecting prompt.
00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:53.039
Um, the gut check is am I being honest?
00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:54.240
Like, really?
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:56.080
Am I really being honest?
00:16:56.080 --> 00:16:56.559
You know.
00:16:56.559 --> 00:17:10.079
Um, and I find uh with myself, but also with some of my clients, that when I'm operating in a a more passive or passive aggressive, you know, pattern, I'm uncomfortable.
00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:15.680
Uh I I would just kind of prefer to just kind of say it, couch it, uh, I'm uncomfortable.
00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:17.119
That's not effective.
00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:19.839
Am I being honest and am I being clear?
00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:35.440
Now the redirecting prompt is this if I wasn't trying so hard to avoid the discomfort, if I wasn't trying to avoid, what do I wish that my spouse could understand or understood or about about what was going on for me?
00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:38.880
So again, we're trying to condense our message to be clear.
00:17:38.880 --> 00:17:44.000
We're trying to be kind, and kind is not avoidant and kind is not aggressive, you know?
00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:47.519
And we're trying to um stay emotionally regulated.
00:17:47.519 --> 00:17:56.559
And so I again, these things are able to be practiced if we can kind of be that good coach for ourselves, pull ourselves to the sidelines, just take a couple of breaths.
00:17:56.559 --> 00:18:00.559
We can, we can pivot, we can practice new ways of relating.
00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:02.720
So those are those anecdotes.
00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:04.559
Those are super helpful.
00:18:04.559 --> 00:18:13.759
I'm also thinking about, you know, the busyness, the kids are around, it's dinner time, the dishes were supposed to be done.
00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:25.440
Last night, they're still sitting in the sink, and I'm just, you know, whether it's like I'm gonna shout at you because I'm in an aggressive position or I'm going to bang them around in the sink because you didn't do them and I want you to pick up on that fact, right?
00:18:25.440 --> 00:18:36.319
Like those are so um, and I have going on in the back of my head, I don't have time to pause and breathe and redirect because we need to eat.
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:43.359
Like, so can you give some like how do you have clear and honest communication when everything feels busy and chaotic?
00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:50.480
Uh and I and again, I know it's not gonna be perfect immediately, but like what does practicing look like in that scenario?
00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:51.200
Yeah.
00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:58.720
Um, so for first off, um, if anything, start with having grace for yourself and for your spouse.
00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:08.799
Um and you gotta start there because if you don't have grace for both yourself and your spouse, like it's just you're not gonna, you're not gonna make progress.
00:19:08.799 --> 00:19:11.119
Um this is real life.
00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:13.279
There's hard things that are going on.
00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:17.599
There, they're the day's never gonna go as it's supposed to.
00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:22.559
Um, and so there's always gonna be something that's that's there that's that's happening.
00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:30.160
Um the the second thing that I would say is, and this is probably the most important, especially for me as an aggressive communicator.
00:19:30.160 --> 00:19:32.640
Katie calls it circling back, the circle back.
00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:37.359
Some sometimes in our talks, we we we talk about watching the films, right?
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:48.960
So if you know when you play professional sports, you know after the game is over, you go back and you watch the films and see what went well and what did not go well.
00:19:48.960 --> 00:19:57.440
And for me, I will find myself at times, especially when we first started practicing this, I mean, I went right back to my default.
00:19:57.440 --> 00:20:00.079
Just because I learned a concept doesn't mean I apply it.
00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:02.720
It doesn't mean I'm gonna catch it right in the moment.
00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:09.119
But but then when I take a beat afterwards and I circle back and I go, you know what?
00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:11.279
I screwed that up.
00:20:11.279 --> 00:20:12.799
I'm sorry.
00:20:12.799 --> 00:20:17.200
I I would I I should have done this or I would have liked to have done that.
00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:27.759
The more that you start to recognize it, um, and even if it's after the fact, which it often is after the fact, often we are not going to get a touchdown in the middle of that chaos.
00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:29.519
It's we're gonna fumble it all over the place.
00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:29.759
Yeah.
00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:34.400
But what I've found is to your point, couples, most couples will not circle back.
00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:37.680
They're like, okay, it's over, whatever, kind of sweep it under the rug.
00:20:37.680 --> 00:20:40.640
And that that just causes scarring over time.
00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:44.160
So it's the key is not to be successful in the moment.
00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:45.200
That's not gonna happen.
00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:47.039
It's there's gonna be fumbles.
00:20:47.279 --> 00:20:47.440
Yeah.
00:20:47.599 --> 00:20:52.960
But to circle back is a decision and it it can happen, you know, in a calmer moment later in the evening.
00:20:52.960 --> 00:21:00.240
But it's it's incredibly valuable to just own come back and say, hey, in the kitchen, I really was harsh.
00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:04.799
And what I wish I had said was this, and what I was really trying to communicate was this.
00:21:04.799 --> 00:21:06.960
And I'm sorry that I kind of took you out.
00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:12.559
That is so disarming and it's actually very bonding, that kind of honesty, humility, and vulnerability.
00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:16.319
And again, that's after the fact, but you gotta find a moment, you know.
00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:29.440
And I I know those moments might be hard, but I would just encourage people to say, yeah, it's not gonna happen in the chaos, but when there is a little bit of calm, could you commit to circling back in with that humility and that high ownership?
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:31.759
And I would also say it's it's about reps too.
00:21:31.759 --> 00:21:36.640
It's not about just like the intense moments and intense situations.
00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:42.960
Um, it's also in the smaller moments and you know, the smaller when it's when it is about the trash cans.
00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:46.079
And uh, and that's all it's about at this moment in time.
00:21:46.079 --> 00:21:51.759
And and can you practice it in those spaces where you do have a little bit more?
00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:55.920
By the way, that's what practice is about when we play sports.
00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:59.680
That's when military training, the reason you have military training is so that.
00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:02.160
You know what to do.
00:22:02.160 --> 00:22:07.200
The Navy SEALs say you don't rise to the occasion, you fall to the level of your training.
00:22:07.200 --> 00:22:15.920
And so, you know, don't expect that you're going to walk into this one this intense situation and you're going to be perfect if you're not practicing it in the smaller situations.
00:22:15.920 --> 00:22:26.720
And so the more that you're getting those reps, the more that you're practicing that, the more likely you are to be able to apply it in those more intense, chaotic moments.
00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:31.359
And again, when you fail, because you will, um, circle back.
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:34.000
And then it gets, you know, less and less and less.
00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:43.119
But I it it's it'll still continue to happen, but I think it's a law of averages, and and sooner or later you tick over and you know, it's more better than it's not.
00:22:43.119 --> 00:22:46.960
And yeah, and that's when it's really starts to get great.
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:47.359
Yeah.
00:22:47.359 --> 00:22:47.759
Yeah.
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:50.079
I really appreciate the analogies.
00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:58.720
It's just simple as far as uh the even as someone who's not a sports person, I understand both the baseball and the football analogy.
00:22:58.720 --> 00:22:59.440
It's amazing.
00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:07.200
Um, so I'm sure that means that everyone listening, whether you played sports as a kid or not, knows what we're talking about here.
00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:17.200
But I just when we come to the end of these conversations, what I usually like to do is just kind of note the things that I took away as kind of like the next step that I could try.
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:29.039
And then I want you all to add if there's anything that you either think I'm missing or that you're just like, oh, and I also want to say so, um, one was just that idea of um a clear message, a calm tone, and eye contact.
00:23:29.039 --> 00:23:38.720
Um just and honestly, it sounds to me like if I can't do that, that's then the indication of like time to pause.
00:23:38.720 --> 00:23:43.680
Um, and it might mean nothing happens until later, and that's okay.
00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:58.960
But like that just to me is very helpful that there's like a pretty that's a pretty quick if I can't speak clearly with kindness and be calm and make and if I can't make eye contact, like all of those are flags for me that I'm either in an aggressive or passive or passive aggressive um stance.
00:23:58.960 --> 00:24:00.799
So that's that was helpful for me.
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:09.680
Um also just that idea of taking the pause and asking those questions, whether it's what's the most important thing or am I being honest?
00:24:09.680 --> 00:24:12.960
Similarly, Katie, for me, the question is am I being honest?
00:24:12.960 --> 00:24:16.160
Because I'm really gonna try to, you know, do this.
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:21.359
Um for listeners, I just made a weird serpentine look on the screen.
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:22.480
That's what it feels like.
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:23.519
That's what it feels like.
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:24.079
Yeah.
00:24:24.319 --> 00:24:34.319
Um, and then finally, the third thing that I really like just heard was the um circling back, you know, that sense of when you get it wrong, that's not the end of the story.
00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:45.599
You can always go back and say, and not just say I'm sorry, but also the more we can articulate I wish I'd done it this way or said this thing, and I'm sorry, and I know that this is what just happened.
00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:53.359
I uh that I know for me as the recipient sometimes of my husband saying that, and hopefully he feels the same way about me, um, it's really freeing.
00:24:53.359 --> 00:24:55.359
So um, yeah, so those are that's what I heard.
00:24:55.359 --> 00:25:00.480
Is there anything you all want to add as we kind of come to the end of this short but sweet time together?
00:25:00.880 --> 00:25:21.680
You know, I I just for the men that are out there um that are that are listening to this, I think that when we didn't have that um modeled for us growing up, um, and you know, some of it, you know, I'm making a generalization, but generationally, um, there weren't a lot of apologies that were thrown out there.
00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:24.400
Uh, there wasn't a lot of that circling back that happened.
00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:26.000
That was something that I had to learn.
00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:27.839
And I, by the way, I had a phenomenal father.
00:25:27.839 --> 00:25:28.480
I love my father.
00:25:28.480 --> 00:25:29.759
He's a great, great guy.
00:25:29.759 --> 00:25:32.079
Um, but some of that was not modeled for me.
00:25:32.079 --> 00:25:37.599
And um this is this is a harder thing to do.
00:25:37.599 --> 00:25:41.599
And this is this is learned and this is practiced, and it's worth it.
00:25:41.599 --> 00:25:43.680
It is absolutely worth it.
00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:52.400
It is it is a game-changing thing to be able to circle back with your wife and say, I think I messed that one up.
00:25:52.400 --> 00:25:54.799
I wish I had done that.
00:25:54.799 --> 00:26:10.000
And the softness that you will bring into the relationship and the the conversation that you will facilitate in that circle back, um, it is worth all of the uncomfortableness you feel on the inside.
00:26:10.319 --> 00:26:10.720
For sure.
00:26:11.200 --> 00:26:17.359
Um and so I just, you know, to all the men out there, I would really encourage you just take it to heart and just try it.
00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:22.319
Just give it a couple reps and um and and I think you'll find it it pays off.
00:26:22.319 --> 00:26:22.960
That's great.
00:26:22.960 --> 00:26:23.279
Yeah.
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:24.000
Yeah.
00:26:24.720 --> 00:26:27.200
I don't have anything else to add, but that was a great point.
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:27.759
Yeah.
00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:30.240
Well, thank you both so much just for being here with us.
00:26:30.240 --> 00:26:33.039
I know that um everyone who listens will be grateful they did.
00:26:33.279 --> 00:26:34.240
Oh it's an honor.
00:26:34.240 --> 00:26:34.880
Thanks for having us.
00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:36.319
Thanks for having us.
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:40.880
Thank you for listening.
00:26:40.880 --> 00:26:45.920
If this episode was helpful, please share it with another parent or caregiver who might need to hear it.
00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:48.720
I have a couple things I want to mention as we close out.
00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:53.200
First of all, this is the final episode in this season of Take the Next Step.
00:26:53.200 --> 00:26:56.640
We do plan to come back with more episodes in the spring.
00:26:56.640 --> 00:27:00.000
And meanwhile, we would really love to hear from you.
00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:02.000
What do you need to hear?
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:04.400
What would you like me to talk about?
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:06.880
What person would you like me to interview?
00:27:06.880 --> 00:27:08.559
What topics do you want covered?
00:27:08.559 --> 00:27:18.079
Here at Take the Next Step, we are trying to talk about starting with delight, not deficit, connecting to community, and taking one next step toward a good future.
00:27:18.079 --> 00:27:21.920
Where do you need encouragement to take the next step?
00:27:21.920 --> 00:27:34.480
Second thing I want to say is that yes, I am pausing Take the Next Step for a few months, but I'm happy to let you know that new episodes will drop weekly on my other podcast, which is called Reimagining the Good Life.
00:27:34.480 --> 00:27:39.440
Those episodes will begin coming again on October 28th.
00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:40.720
This is a different podcast.
00:27:40.720 --> 00:27:46.559
It's about reimagining the good life, and that comes through the lens of disability, faith, and culture.
00:27:46.559 --> 00:28:00.720
Over there, I interview guests in conversations that challenge assumptions about what makes life good, proclaim the inherent belovedness of every human being, and help us envision a world of belonging where everyone matters.
00:28:00.720 --> 00:28:14.880
All right, and now to really close it out, I will say that Take the Next Step is a resource from the Hope Heals Network, a collective of thought leaders offering honest and hopeful wisdom to help people flourish in the good and hard parts of their stories.
00:28:14.880 --> 00:28:19.039
To learn more about the work of Hope Heals, visit Hope Heals.com.
00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:28.000
I want to thank Jake Hansen for editing this episode, and Amber Beery, my director of content, for producing the show, and thank you for being here.
00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:38.559
I hope you leave this time with encouragement to start with delight, connect a community, and take the next small step toward a good future for your family.