WEBVTT
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Everybody has this problem.
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most common phrase that we hear all the time is, "I didn't want to ruin the vibe." you did a lot of like telling the guy what you wanted and where you wanted him.
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Yeah, because I was tired of having shitty sex.
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the moment someone stops for others and starts advocating for themselves, that's when the real fun begins.
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is speaking your truth about power or permission?
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Well, here's what we've learned today.
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When you finally find your voice in everything changes.
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is speaking your truth about power or about permission?
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We're exploring one of the most transformational shift couples make, that's why it's harder for some than others.
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Stick around to the end to get tips on how to find your voice.
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I'm Ed.
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And I'm Phoebe.
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Welcome to Swinger University.
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We've received hundreds of messages over the years about this exact issue, and not just messages.
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We've talked to our friends, we've talked to new people, experienced people, people who've been to all the resorts, Everybody has this problem.
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And that's going along with what the group wants, what their partner wants, what the other couple suggests.
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The most common phrase that we hear all the time is, "I didn't want to ruin the vibe." That hesitation that everyone's going through is destroying their confidence, their comfort with the lifestyle and their experience.
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And the joy that they could be experiencing in the lifestyle.
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In 12 years that we've been in this lifestyle, we've watched this transformation happen again and again.
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And the moment someone stops performing for others and starts advocating for themselves, that's when the real fun begins.
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Oh yeah, yeah.
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And that's when ethical nominogamy, malagudwe.
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The mamma-namma-namma.
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And that's when ethical nominogamy becomes truly empowering instead of just exhausting.
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If this conversation resonates with you, or if you've ever felt like you were just going along to keep the peace, hit that subscribe button.
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This channel is all about real honest conversations that help you and others navigate the lifestyle with confidence.
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Drop a comment, have you ever said yes when you really meant no?
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We read every single one of these comments.
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We reply to them, we love them, we like them, we give you the little thumbs up.
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And often your stories inspire future episodes, including this episode which is based off of one particular email that we got from a listener.
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Let's talk about the caretaker trap.
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Dun dun dun.
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Many people, especially women, but not exclusively, enter the lifestyle with that caretaker mentality.
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Right.
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And it's that of, oh, you know, I don't wanna be difficult, I don't wanna ruin the night, and everyone else seems fine with this, so maybe I just don't get it yet.
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Maybe I just don't understand how it works, or maybe I'm just too tired, or maybe we start making all these excuses.
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This is the classic, I don't wanna be the special order person in the restaurant kind of a thing, right?
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Like we do this in life in general, where it feels almost antisocial to push back or to ask for something more specific.
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This comes from social conditioning, being agreeable, being accommodating, putting others first.
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Right.
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And when you start to have children, you do put others first, your kids, and then at some point as they start to age and grow up and move out of the house, then that starts to shift a little bit and you start to put you first again.
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Although I will say good parenting always does start with putting yourself first, hence the give yourself oxygen first, if the plane is going to crash, then you can help others, because you can't help others if you're dead.
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Yeah, and I think you can let this slide mostly in vanilla life because things are kind impacting in terms of you personally.
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Yeah, it might be an inconvenience and yeah, maybe you didn't want that special sauce on your food or whatever, but in the lifestyle, it's a recipe for burnout and resentment and being unsatisfied on a pretty consistent basis.
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Oh yes, yes, definitely.
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along actually costs, you end up in situations you don't wanna be in.
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Yes, been there.
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Right?
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we were part of a big group and saying no and not going along kind of felt awkward and kind of socially, I don't know what to do.
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So we ended up going to those after parties anyway, even though maybe we didn't wanna play that night or didn't wanna play with anybody in that room.
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Right, part of our reason for that was we were new and we needed to make connections.
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In order to make connections, you have to be in the same place.
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In order to make friends, you have to go do the things that friends are doing.
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So it's challenging, right?
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Yeah, and we were also in a position of the fake it till you make it phase.
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And we thought a lot of this at the time was us just trying to get up to speed and be just comfortable in general with the lifestyle, not knowing what we're talking about today.
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Yes, yes.
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So another thing that's going along where it actually costs you is you perform enjoyment instead of really experiencing it.
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So you literally are faking it.
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Right, a lot.
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And everyone thinks you're having a good time, but your partner knows, right?
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We've had these exchanges where I've looked at Ed and my eyes are like, "Mm," and he's like, "Are you okay?" And I'm like, right?
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So this is where some of those cues come in where we were trying to- Yeah, the secret handshakes or the squeezes, yeah.
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Like, "I need a glass of water," or "I pinch his arm," and he thinks that's all go.
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And yeah, we had to really come up with some tricks for communicating to our other partner to help bail us out if we made a bad decision, particularly me, if I made a bad decision.
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The third one is your partner doesn't know what you actually want because you're not saying it.
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So that is basically what I was saying earlier.
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Yeah, and that was the tragedy that we went through very early in the lifestyle where you didn't want me to not have a good time.
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Right.
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And so you kind of went through the motions or did things that you probably weren't comfortable with at the time.
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You weren't comfortable with them at the time.
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Yeah, yeah.
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I will get to that part later.
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I want to go there right now, but I'll hang in there.
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I'll tell you where I'm going.
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You start to resent yourself in the lifestyle, which is a point that you made a little bit earlier.
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And really the issue is how you're showing up in it.
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And that's the cost. is kind of the metaphor of who's driving, like who's taking control of the situation.
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So when you're not driving, you're just along for the ride.
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You're either a passenger or you're in the backseat or in the trunk and you're waiting for someone else to make all of those decisions.
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And it may not even be your partner.
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It could be somebody else in the group.
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Yes, yes.
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You're reacting instead of initiating.
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And here's some classic examples.
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Saying yes to a couple you're not attracted to because your partner seems interested.
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And the other one is going along with a play scenario that doesn't work for you because everyone else is having fun.
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Yes, oh my God.
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That drove me nuts.
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Drove me nuts.
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Because I felt left out and I couldn't figure it out.
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I was like, why?
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Right, because it wasn't your thing.
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That wasn't what you were into.
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I know.
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And you're in the room, everybody's doing their thing.
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You kind of just go along.
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Yeah, otherwise you feel FOMO.
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Yeah.
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Just terrible.
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So the surprising truth about all of this is that the lifestyle requires you to speak up.
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This isn't an optional thing.
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You have to speak up.
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Consent isn't just yes or no.
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It's yes to this and no to that.
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You have to be very clear about what you want out of an experience, not just, well, we don't do anal.
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Right, I know.
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That's the classic consent conversation.
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And you can also say things like, maybe to this other thing.
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So maybe we'll try this, but we're gonna reserve the right to say no at any point.
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Right.
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Silence isn't consent.
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Silence is often fear.
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You're afraid to speak up.
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You're afraid to say what you really want.
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And so you just button it.
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Yes.
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really challenging for me to step into that position of not wanting to be in the back seat anymore and wanting to drive because I'm not a driver.
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I drive myself, but I love being in a supporting role in life.
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I am a behind the scenes person 100% of the time.
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me to be different in this situation.
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And the core question is, we exploring And how do you shift from going along to speaking up?
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And then what changes when you finally do speak up?
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When finding your voice feels scary.
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Da da da da.
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Saying what you want can feel selfish, but it's not.
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Right.
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And when you're not used to doing that, can feel selfish if putting others first.
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Love yourself.
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Saying no can feel like you're letting someone down, but you're not.
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I had this issue a lot.
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Yes.
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This is what I was wanting to say at the beginning of the episode, which was I felt a very big burden of being, what felt like I was in charge of your happiness by what I said.
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If I said no, you were gonna have a shitty night.
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If I said yes, you're gonna have the time of your life.
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Right.
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So me being in control of that was like huge, really, really difficult to overcome.
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It's a lot of responsibility.
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It is.
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And because we were new in our relationship together and new to swinging, I felt like, wow, you know, this could make it or break it.
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Right.
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So we had a lot of discussions about this, a lot, a lot, a lot.
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Yes.
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And I think we cover what that discussion turned into later.
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There's always this fear that you're being too demanding, that people will not wanna play with you because you're just, you know, they're too picky The truth is people do respect boundaries and people don't respect doormats.
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Yeah, and I think that's the thing.
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You speaking up shows a level of confidence.
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And as we've said before, confidence is very sexy.
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Oh, yes.
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Couples really like that.
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Yeah, speaking of confidence, that was a huge shift for me.
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When I started to find my voice and stand up for myself, I became more confident.
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And I started saying exactly what I wanted instead of just going along.
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So I set goals for each interaction example, one of the goals was, I would use more direction during sex.
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So to the left, to the right, harder, more pressure, less pressure, less licking, right?
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Slower, faster, whatever it might be.
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Right.
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And when I started to do that, was amazing, right?
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I got what I wanted and the guy or the girl was like, oh, you want that?
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Oh, okay, I can do that.
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And it was like, oh, you're enthusiastic about me giving you directions.
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So it was this really nice feedback loop.
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And so everybody got what everybody wanted.
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Right.
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Which was surprising to me.
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I also started more recently, I would say, in the last year or two years, refusing a hug or kiss that I didn't want.
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Yeah, that one's been trickier for you.
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It's been trickier because it's very socially ingrained and I don't always want to hug or kiss somebody.
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sometimes I put my hand out and someone goes, oh, I'm a hugger.
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And they like crash into me anyway.
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And now I've got their smelly perfume all over me or their BO and then like, it's all in my hair and it's on my outfit that I didn't want to have to hand wash.
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And like, oh my God.
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So it's challenging on so many respects because it's just a norm for social vanilla life even.
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And so I'm learning a new script for that.
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Hi, I'm neurodivergent and I don't always like hugging, but I'm happy to give you a handshake.
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Easy enough.
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I confident every single time I do that?
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No.
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Am I still learning?
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Yes.
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thing was trying to let someone down gently and that was another goal, learning to be very mindful of my words and let them down gently.
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tried out little scripts on you when we were getting ready and then in the car.
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And then I also tried to be very clear and compassionate with my communication.
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And the result was I felt more empowered with every interaction.
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challenge sometimes is when you're communicating with people later in the evening when they've been vibing on like their drug or drink of choice, they, you know, it's a little harder to get compliance.
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So, but you know, it ends up working out.
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And the most important thing is that you're learning to speak up for yourself.
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So you feel better.
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You feel like you've advocated for yourself and that's huge, there's this gender dynamic.
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We mentioned it earlier, we were talking about women primarily have this issue of being the caretaker and not wanting to rock the boat, not be the wet blanket, that kind of thing.
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And there's really an opportunity for women to drive this situation.
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You use this phrase all the time.
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Women are the gas and the brake.
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And women have a massive opportunity to basically be in control of the lifestyle and men are gonna go along with it.
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Cause we're happy to say yes.
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You're happy just to see boobies and butts and running around.
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All the time.
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People doing sexy things.
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If you tell me I have to sit in a corner and watch, then you know, I might be just fine doing that too.
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It's isn't about who's quote in charge.
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It's about who's willing to steer where the dynamic is going.
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So it's not like you're bossing somebody around.
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You're just, you're leading and leaders don't have to be bossy.
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You don't have to do it in a bad way.
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Like you said, clear and compassionate.
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You can be a clear and compassionate leader.
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You can stand by what you want and kind of guide where people are going.
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In many vanilla relationships, men lead by default.
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We were joking about trad wives the other night and how that's a thing.
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And in certain cultures, when we were at one of the events in Texas, we were talking with a couple for a really long time and then the Hispanic community, the culture is that the men are the primary instigator and the women depend on that.
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And they know that.
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And so it's a completely different culture role shift.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And I'll even say, even in vanilla relationships, the guy asks the girl out.
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The guy pays for dinner.
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The guy opens the door, right?
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Like there's these traditional social norms that have been set up.
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And I think that has set us in that pattern so much.
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And the risk is it, the lifestyle is so different than that and there's so much more involved with it.
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It's not just a social courtesy anymore.
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Yeah.
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the lifestyle, that script flips around and women should be in charge because they have so much more at stake with what's going on.
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They have social permission to set the tone, to choose the connection saying yes or no to potential partners and direct play.
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And most men love being told what to do in the bedroom by women.
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being able to say what they want, it's incredibly empowering, but it's also incredibly sexy.
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Mm-hmm, The right every time trap.
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Dun dun.
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And I kept practicing though, I didn't get this right every time, that type of perfectionism, right?
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And it killed progress.
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Oh yeah.
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So you're not always going to say the perfect thing and you're going to fumble and over explain and maybe even hurt someone's feelings, unfortunately and unintentionally, but that's part of the learning curve.
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Right, right.
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And the goal isn't perfection, it's practice.
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we'd have an intimate conversation between us, we'd go off to the side where we could hear one another and say, how are you doing?
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Is anyone interesting to you tonight?
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Right.
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What are you thinking?
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Has your idea changed about the night?
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Are you willing to play or not willing to play, right?
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Because a lot changes in that situation.
00:20:40.633 --> 00:20:46.066
And here's the real trick, the discomfort before you have this breakthrough.
00:20:46.066 --> 00:20:49.633
So it's always going to be awkward before you figure it out.
00:20:50.200 --> 00:20:53.633
Finding your power feels uncomfortable.
00:20:54.633 --> 00:21:07.566
You're breaking old patterns, so you're relearning something, you're risking conflict, even though speaking up for yourself usually avoids conflict, which is the irony of this situation.
00:21:55.736 --> 00:21:56.036
I know.
00:21:57.135 --> 00:22:03.370
And the really important thing to remember is, this discomfort is temporary.
00:22:03.935 --> 00:22:05.470
It's just while you're learning.
00:22:05.736 --> 00:22:18.870
And as soon as you figure it out, as soon as you get comfortable saying it, you've built the habit, remember, repetition builds habits, and then that habit becomes permanent.
00:22:19.403 --> 00:22:23.870
You've learned the skill, and now you can enact it anytime you need to.
00:22:25.568 --> 00:22:27.068
The intimacy upgrade.
00:22:27.769 --> 00:22:30.769
When you start speaking up, your partner learns what you actually want.
00:22:31.702 --> 00:22:36.036
That guesswork disappears, your play becomes more authentic.
00:22:36.103 --> 00:22:37.269
had a partner that said yes to everything.
00:22:37.502 --> 00:22:44.836
We like she was just trying to push it. It seemed like she was just trying to please him, her husband.
00:22:44.836 --> 00:22:46.935
It was really his idea, and she was going along.
00:22:47.803 --> 00:22:59.068
Yes, because you could tell through her body language and through her nonverbal communication, even though she had said yes, she was checked out.
00:22:59.435 --> 00:23:01.803
She wasn't engaged in the situation.
00:23:02.170 --> 00:23:10.336
And so we started getting, like I said, uncomfortable with that because it just, it felt like something was off.
00:23:10.970 --> 00:23:11.903
Yeah, yeah.
00:23:12.502 --> 00:23:18.370
we were with another couple, was funny, they finally said, oh, we're not into that.
00:23:19.202 --> 00:23:21.769
We're like, oh, okay, well.
00:23:22.935 --> 00:23:24.370
That's great, thanks for letting us know.
00:23:24.370 --> 00:23:25.170
Thanks for letting us know.
00:23:27.403 --> 00:23:32.635
And we were so relieved because we've been misreading these signals for months.
00:23:33.702 --> 00:23:38.068
And it was just refreshing to just be in the know.
00:23:38.603 --> 00:23:41.002
Right, and we just zigged instead of zagged.
00:23:41.002 --> 00:23:42.568
So we just did something different.
00:23:42.568 --> 00:23:43.970
It was easy.
00:23:44.935 --> 00:23:47.702
in that is information is key, right?
00:23:47.702 --> 00:23:54.068
They gave us information that allowed us to make a different choice and a different decision, which took us on a different path.
00:23:54.635 --> 00:23:56.068
And so that felt much better.
00:23:56.502 --> 00:23:58.002
Exactly, exactly.
00:23:58.970 --> 00:24:02.103
So how do you actually do this?
00:24:02.502 --> 00:24:07.303
So we've talked a lot about our examples of what we did, but how do you build this?
00:24:07.903 --> 00:24:12.170
How do you go from silent people pleaser to confident communicator?
00:24:13.002 --> 00:24:19.935
Well, that's what we're gonna get into next, a simple framework that makes this shift way easier than you think.
00:24:20.370 --> 00:24:27.303
By the way, if you're getting value from this conversation, our Patreon community goes even deeper.
00:24:27.970 --> 00:24:37.970
We do monthly Q and A's, early accessed episodes and bonus content where we dive into the messy, nuanced stuff we can't always cover on YouTube.
00:24:38.970 --> 00:24:42.836
If you want more, check out the link below or in this episode.
00:24:44.002 --> 00:24:46.568
Now let's get into the how to.
00:24:46.836 --> 00:24:52.103
Well, let's talk about what we're gonna call this the power framework.
00:24:52.103 --> 00:24:54.470
Cause it sounds really, it sounds cool.
00:24:55.103 --> 00:24:56.068
It does sound cool.
00:24:56.303 --> 00:24:59.536
There are three steps to this that we're gonna outline here.
00:25:00.702 --> 00:25:05.370
And one of them you've kind of alluded to, but we'll kind of go into it in more detail here.
00:25:05.370 --> 00:25:08.568
And that is get clear before you show up.
00:25:09.502 --> 00:25:14.935
Before any event, a date, a play session, check in with yourself.
00:25:15.635 --> 00:25:15.803
Yep.
00:25:16.836 --> 00:25:20.370
You ask yourself, what do I actually want tonight?
00:25:21.603 --> 00:25:25.536
What would make me feel empowered walking out of here?
00:25:26.635 --> 00:25:31.002
And what's a hard no for me right now?
00:25:32.135 --> 00:25:36.336
So you're setting your own internal boundaries and acknowledging them.
00:25:36.336 --> 00:25:38.202
So you got to do a little introspection here.
00:25:39.403 --> 00:25:44.336
And these are those goals that I was telling you that I was set for myself.
00:25:45.002 --> 00:25:45.202
Right.
00:25:45.435 --> 00:25:47.336
For each event or interaction.
00:25:48.702 --> 00:25:52.403
Now, the key thing to remember, this isn't scripting the night.
00:25:52.403 --> 00:25:57.336
This isn't saying how it's gonna happen or who you're gonna sleep with or any of that.
00:25:57.736 --> 00:26:01.236
This is just setting your expectations.
00:26:01.635 --> 00:26:05.435
And this kind of goes into that whole, like setting your expectations low.
00:26:06.135 --> 00:26:09.903
They're setting your expectations to what you want to happen.
00:26:09.970 --> 00:26:10.336
Yeah.
00:26:10.502 --> 00:26:11.903
What you're comfortable with.
00:26:12.236 --> 00:26:12.502
Right.
00:26:12.935 --> 00:26:17.803
And I didn't actually think about this until just now.
00:26:19.336 --> 00:26:22.303
We kept hearing have no expectations, have no expectations.
00:26:23.403 --> 00:26:24.970
(Mumbles) I'm like, oh my God.
00:26:25.202 --> 00:26:27.603
Okay, that sounds great, but.
00:26:27.635 --> 00:26:28.769
What does that actually mean?
00:26:28.769 --> 00:26:30.202
instead we did this.
00:26:30.202 --> 00:26:39.970
We set our expectations for what we wanted to do based on what we wanted to achieve that night, who we wanted to talk to, who we wanted to potentially play with.
00:26:40.002 --> 00:26:46.370
We set goals for ourselves it wasn't about not having expectations, it was setting expectations for yourself.
00:26:47.068 --> 00:26:54.403
Yeah, and I think it has to do with setting those realistic expectations By the way, you can also extend this and do this with your partner too.
00:26:54.635 --> 00:26:56.269
Like this isn't just a solo activity.
00:26:56.635 --> 00:27:05.403
You should have a pow wow ahead of time with your partner about this so that you both have your expectations, but have yours first and then have yours.
00:27:05.836 --> 00:27:05.970
Right.
00:27:06.336 --> 00:27:08.635
You've both, everybody's gotta be in alignment.
00:27:08.970 --> 00:27:09.236
Yeah.
00:27:09.435 --> 00:27:12.236
practice the compassionate no.
00:27:12.236 --> 00:27:19.202
So this is that whole fake it till you make it or the visualization aspect of it.
00:27:19.736 --> 00:27:22.736
You can say no and still be kind.
00:27:24.970 --> 00:27:44.435
And I would let someone down gently as I was mentioning before and all of this was well thought out with words that I had practiced in my head and I could still use that to communicate what I wanted in the moment while being compassionate to others.
00:27:46.202 --> 00:27:48.702
Here's some examples, because we love examples.
00:27:50.002 --> 00:27:53.935
You're lovely, but I'm not feeling a connection right now.
00:27:54.269 --> 00:27:56.702
So you kind of do the sandwich technique, right?
00:27:56.702 --> 00:27:59.603
Where you give them a compliment and then let them down.
00:27:59.903 --> 00:28:01.336
And then a compliment at the end.
00:28:01.370 --> 00:28:01.702
Right.
00:28:01.702 --> 00:28:03.002
That one didn't have a compliment at the end.
00:28:03.036 --> 00:28:06.336
Doesn't have a compliment at the end, but you kind of don't necessarily need it.
00:28:43.725 --> 00:28:44.725
It's an open sandwich.
00:28:45.093 --> 00:28:46.225
Yeah, open face sandwich.
00:28:46.225 --> 00:28:47.425
This is a deconstructed sandwich.
00:28:48.858 --> 00:28:53.192
I appreciate the invite, but tonight's not the right night for us.
00:28:54.026 --> 00:28:57.026
Now some of these open you up for future conversations.
00:28:57.558 --> 00:29:02.526
And if you were feeling that, then these are really good examples.
00:29:02.826 --> 00:29:05.593
Because you go, it is just a tonight thing.
00:29:06.058 --> 00:29:07.625
We are interested in this couple.
00:29:07.925 --> 00:29:14.093
So let's let them down gently and leave the door open for later opportunities.
00:29:14.492 --> 00:29:14.692
Yes.
00:29:16.125 --> 00:29:18.225
And this is a really good one.
00:29:18.225 --> 00:29:21.759
This is one that we encourage people, especially when we went into a playroom with them.
00:29:21.960 --> 00:29:24.692
And that was anybody can pull the ripcord at any point.
00:29:25.225 --> 00:29:32.093
So if you need to pause, just call a timeout.
00:29:32.492 --> 00:29:36.393
We are okay with anybody saying no at any point.
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:41.259
And be comfortable saying, I need to pause here.
00:29:41.792 --> 00:29:42.792
Can we check in?
00:29:43.925 --> 00:29:49.026
So that's a communication to your partner, but that could also be with the group.
00:29:49.792 --> 00:29:55.326
Yeah, we need to take a pause and check in with each other.
00:29:56.725 --> 00:29:58.826
And then that's really just it.
00:29:59.326 --> 00:30:01.026
And then we go, oh yeah, yeah, sure.
00:30:01.292 --> 00:30:02.225
Yeah, take your time.
00:30:02.225 --> 00:30:03.192
We'll be over here.
00:30:03.925 --> 00:30:04.960
Just let us know.
00:30:04.960 --> 00:30:06.326
We'll hang out.
00:30:06.393 --> 00:30:08.992
Sometimes we hang out for five minutes to see if they come back.
00:30:08.992 --> 00:30:13.759
Sometimes depending on what the conversation looks like, you go, oh, this is gonna be a while.
00:30:14.393 --> 00:30:16.326
And then you just put on your closing.
00:30:16.826 --> 00:30:24.259
And you don't have to get into the very, feely aspect of why you need to have that conversation to the side.
00:30:24.725 --> 00:30:35.425
It's in many respects, it's not anybody's business, but yours and you and your partner can go figure it out and regroup and come back or not.
00:30:36.192 --> 00:30:37.326
But that's okay.
00:30:40.160 --> 00:30:50.125
The goal is to once again, have clarity and kindness and you don't owe anyone any explanation beyond, no thank you.
00:30:50.792 --> 00:30:53.292
You do the no thank you very well, I will say.
00:30:54.460 --> 00:30:55.725
I don't.
00:30:55.826 --> 00:30:56.093
Yes.
00:30:57.425 --> 00:31:00.292
You do it with this, I think it's your voice.
00:31:00.526 --> 00:31:04.492
It's deep and soothing and you have a smile when you do it.
00:31:05.259 --> 00:31:09.093
And it's always like, oh, okay.
00:31:10.225 --> 00:31:20.792
And I genuinely mean, you know, all of this in my head, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, I'm not interested in hurting your feelings, you're lovely people, but.
00:31:21.225 --> 00:31:21.826
No thank you.
00:31:22.225 --> 00:31:22.992
No thank you.
00:31:24.192 --> 00:31:30.593
Except for when they hit the front doorbell and I see that they have a clipboard and then I'm like, get off my lawn.
00:31:31.125 --> 00:31:42.992
(Laughing) Step three, use direction, not apology, instead of sorry, but maybe we could try something else.
00:31:43.893 --> 00:31:49.160
Try, let's switch it up to whatever.
00:31:49.192 --> 00:31:51.192
Whatever you're in the mood for, right.
00:31:51.826 --> 00:31:53.259
That's what I'm in the mood for.
00:31:54.393 --> 00:31:56.858
And I've done that and that works very well.
00:31:57.492 --> 00:32:10.292
Yeah, that's the classic magician, just redirection, right, like you don't tell them to not pay attention to what you're putting in your pocket, you just go, and over here, and you give them something shiny to look at.
00:32:10.358 --> 00:32:10.893
Shiny, shiny.
00:32:12.593 --> 00:32:18.692
Direction is empowering for you and your partners, people respond well to confidence.
00:32:20.125 --> 00:32:31.225
I used a lot more direction later on in our swinging lifestyle experiences once I kind of figured out my stuff.
00:32:32.192 --> 00:32:32.992
Yeah, yeah.
00:32:33.358 --> 00:32:34.792
Got my confidence and all that.
00:32:35.093 --> 00:32:40.526
And you did a lot of like telling the guy what you wanted and where you wanted him.
00:32:40.526 --> 00:32:42.225
Yeah, because I was tired of having shitty sex.
00:32:44.593 --> 00:32:47.725
There it is, that's the million dollar.
00:32:47.725 --> 00:33:08.425
And I said, if I'm gonna put on this makeup and get my body dressed and spend the money to get in the door and deal with the noise and get on a bed that's got a wet spot, I'm gonna tell him what I really want because time is a-wasting.
00:33:09.125 --> 00:33:14.425
Right, and I'll reiterate, this isn't bossy, No.
00:33:15.125 --> 00:33:24.192
It's hot, I like being told what to do in a bedroom, I like a woman taking charge and telling me what she wants.
00:33:25.526 --> 00:33:35.225
Never going to bother me, I have always enjoyed that and it's not even like the dominatrix level, it's just tell me how to please you.
00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:39.692
Tell me what pushes your buttons.
00:33:40.292 --> 00:33:40.725
Absolutely.
00:33:40.759 --> 00:33:46.425
Because I will, I'll push that button all night if you want me to.
00:33:47.593 --> 00:33:55.160
When you know what you want and you say it clearly, as I said, it's very attractive, very attractive.
00:33:56.893 --> 00:33:58.358
Permission giving moment.
00:33:59.425 --> 00:34:02.160
You are not responsible for other people's disappointment.
00:34:03.425 --> 00:34:07.460
Saying no to one thing is saying yes to your own comfort and boundaries.
00:34:08.326 --> 00:34:11.093
The right people will respect your honesty.
00:34:12.226 --> 00:34:14.425
The wrong people will pressure you.
00:34:14.858 --> 00:34:15.226
Red flag.
00:34:16.293 --> 00:34:18.193
And that's how you know they're wrong.
00:34:20.826 --> 00:34:29.425
So here's, so we've given you the framework and we're gonna go through some real world scenarios, three of them.
00:34:29.593 --> 00:34:33.660
So first scenario, soft swap that wants to go further.
00:34:33.660 --> 00:34:39.193
This is probably a pretty typical boundary pushing behavior.
00:34:40.126 --> 00:34:50.492
So you went into the playroom, you agreed to soft swap, but all of a sudden they're like, yeah, but couldn't we try full swap?
00:34:50.992 --> 00:34:52.826
I'll just put the tip in.
00:34:53.492 --> 00:34:56.058
(Laughing) There's a whole bunch of different ways to do that.
00:34:57.425 --> 00:35:11.092
So the old you before the framework would just be silent and maybe not say yes, but not say no, maybe even give in.
00:35:11.358 --> 00:35:27.393
And then in the morning, you're gonna regret that because you pushed a boundary and maybe it was a boundary because you and your partner set that down and he finds out or she finds out later, bad news.
00:35:28.225 --> 00:35:33.592
The new you, we talked about soft swap and that's where I'm at tonight.
00:35:33.925 --> 00:35:38.492
Let's keep it fun, but within that play style.
00:35:39.625 --> 00:35:42.059
Mm-hmm, and we've heard couples say that.
00:35:43.625 --> 00:35:47.825
It's easy and if you still get pressured, that's time to leave.
00:35:48.259 --> 00:35:48.592
Oh yeah.
00:35:49.092 --> 00:35:49.392
For sure.
00:35:49.825 --> 00:35:50.125
Yes.
00:35:52.025 --> 00:35:54.692
Scenario number two, the couple you're not into.
00:35:55.025 --> 00:35:55.692
And it happens.
00:35:56.458 --> 00:35:58.592
Your partner is interested, but you are not.
00:35:59.559 --> 00:36:00.825
That happens all the time.
00:36:01.292 --> 00:36:01.992
Imagine that.
00:36:03.925 --> 00:36:07.592
Old you, go along, fake your enthusiasm.
00:36:09.059 --> 00:36:15.692
By the way, enthusiasm is a euphemism for fake your orgasm because that's probably what's happening.
00:36:16.659 --> 00:36:19.492
New you privately to your partner.
00:36:20.592 --> 00:36:22.092
I'm not feeling it with them.
00:36:22.625 --> 00:36:24.092
Let's keep mingling.
00:36:25.759 --> 00:36:36.725
100%, and I would so much rather hear that from you than maybe get into a situation where it goes downhill super fast.
00:36:37.225 --> 00:36:37.592
Oh yeah.
00:36:38.425 --> 00:36:40.059
Before we get into a situation.
00:36:40.958 --> 00:36:43.125
And it's also the waste of time thing.
00:36:43.792 --> 00:36:44.492
You're not interested.
00:36:44.925 --> 00:36:48.925
I'm not gonna keep using all my best pickup lines.
00:36:49.392 --> 00:36:49.692
Yeah.
00:36:49.925 --> 00:36:51.925
I'm gonna go use them someplace else.
00:36:51.925 --> 00:37:03.059
Okay, so let's throw another one in here because this has happened to us where we've gotten split up at a house party and you're super flirty over here and cashing checks.
00:37:03.059 --> 00:37:03.458
Never happened.
00:37:04.725 --> 00:37:10.292
And I'm over here by the water cooler and I'm having conversations of my own, but it's not over there.
00:37:10.892 --> 00:37:15.425
And all of a sudden you three think it's a great idea to go to the bedroom.
00:37:15.425 --> 00:37:18.392
And then you're like, great, I'll just go get Phoebe.
00:37:19.125 --> 00:37:22.325
And I'm like, hard stop.
00:37:22.659 --> 00:37:23.525
Like what, huh?
00:37:24.492 --> 00:37:27.325
I have no idea what's going on.
00:37:27.992 --> 00:37:31.092
And everyone's all like, let's go.
00:37:32.225 --> 00:37:37.425
And how do you stop the momentum?
00:37:37.458 --> 00:37:42.159
If you had three people looking at you, you're like, let's go.
00:37:44.425 --> 00:37:45.892
Well, first- What did we do?
00:37:46.225 --> 00:37:47.225
How did we fix that?
00:37:47.992 --> 00:37:50.825
First, we stopped writing checks without checking in with each other.
00:37:51.092 --> 00:37:53.525
That's the first thing that should have happened.
00:37:54.292 --> 00:38:06.592
And the second one was, if you're going to write a check or you're interested in writing a check to tell the people who you're dragging along with you, I'm gonna check in with my partner first and find out.
00:38:07.092 --> 00:38:09.625
Yes, that has saved us.
00:38:09.892 --> 00:38:14.692
That has saved me, you, us a lot.
00:38:18.392 --> 00:38:28.392
My transformation, as we have been talking about throughout this podcast and video, my confidence grew and I was definitely more comfortable.
00:38:28.692 --> 00:38:30.358
It was time to put me first.
00:38:31.325 --> 00:38:32.292
And that's the shift.
00:38:32.492 --> 00:38:36.659
It was from performing for others to prioritizing myself.
00:38:37.059 --> 00:38:42.492
And going from caretaker to the driver, from being silent to being vocal.
00:38:43.492 --> 00:38:47.425
And the result, I had more fun and not less fun.
00:38:47.925 --> 00:38:49.759
And I got what I wanted.
00:38:52.292 --> 00:38:59.425
Yeah, and I got what I wanted because at the end of the night, you were more satisfied or happy with the results.
00:38:59.825 --> 00:39:07.192
You didn't feel like you had taken one for the team, which was never our agreement.
00:39:07.492 --> 00:39:08.825
We were never into that.
00:39:09.192 --> 00:39:15.692
No, but that's where that subtlety lies where I wasn't consciously taking one for the team.
00:39:16.192 --> 00:39:30.458
It was me just choosing to do what I thought was easier, which was to just not say anything to my own detriment.
00:39:31.492 --> 00:39:45.625
Yeah, and that's a good distinction because it wasn't like we'd ever been in situation, sort of, we hadn't been in situations where the expectation was that you were gonna go along so that I got what I wanted.
00:39:46.292 --> 00:39:50.692
So that the classic taking one for the team, we didn't really do that.
00:39:51.392 --> 00:39:55.858
We accidentally did ended up in situations where that kind of thing sorta happened.
00:39:57.625 --> 00:40:07.325
But the nuance with this is you being fully committed to it and not mostly committed to it.
00:40:07.625 --> 00:40:12.992
That like solid yes, not a mostly I'm okay.
00:40:13.659 --> 00:40:16.725
And I've been in situations where I'm like, yeah, I'm okay.
00:40:17.858 --> 00:40:23.525
But I think I'm less worried about that because I usually end up having a good time anyway.
00:40:24.592 --> 00:40:27.059
And that's just been my experience with things.
00:40:27.392 --> 00:40:27.592
Easy.
00:40:28.059 --> 00:40:30.392
I'm very easy.
00:40:31.092 --> 00:40:39.692
The other thing I wanted to throw in there real quick is it also made, it made you feel better.
00:40:40.192 --> 00:40:45.458
So like when I didn't speak up, the next day I felt terrible.
00:40:46.025 --> 00:40:47.259
And then we had a conversation.
00:40:47.625 --> 00:40:48.792
And then I felt terrible.
00:40:48.792 --> 00:40:50.192
And then you felt really bad.
00:40:50.392 --> 00:40:50.559
Right.
00:40:51.725 --> 00:40:54.358
And then I felt bad that you felt bad.
00:40:54.458 --> 00:40:59.425
Right, it's this like cascade of doom and regret.
00:40:59.858 --> 00:41:05.692
And you felt, yeah, you felt bad for me and bad for the situation and bad like it all.
00:41:05.692 --> 00:41:13.092
And then it just kind of tarnished the good time you thought we were having that I was just kind of sort of having.
00:41:13.725 --> 00:41:21.025
And if you had found your voice during that event, no doubt we still would have had a great time.
00:41:21.292 --> 00:41:23.458
We always have a good time at those events.
00:41:23.458 --> 00:41:25.159
It just would have been a different time.
00:41:26.292 --> 00:41:32.592
So it feels hard, it feels difficult, but it's really not.
00:41:33.492 --> 00:41:38.325
And this is the last little bit and then we'll get into some more questions and read through the chat.
00:41:39.192 --> 00:41:52.358
The lifestyle loves boundaries and ethical non-monogamy isn't about saying yes to everything, it's about knowing yourself well enough to say yes to the right things.
00:41:52.392 --> 00:41:57.225
In other words, knowing what you want, as we keep saying, it's sexy.
00:41:58.125 --> 00:42:06.425
And getting what you want out of lifestyle because you asked for it is amazing and everybody wants to do the thing that makes you happy.
00:42:06.792 --> 00:42:09.892
Like we're all in this to kind of please our partner.
00:42:10.392 --> 00:42:17.858
And if the partner wants this thing, providing that is fantastic.
00:42:18.325 --> 00:42:22.659
It's not a buzzkill, you just know which buttons to go after.
00:42:23.825 --> 00:42:26.292
They're the foundation of trust and safety.
00:42:26.692 --> 00:42:39.292
And for all the research that we've done about women and sexuality and their ability to orgasm, safety is actually one of the number one things for women to be able to achieve orgasm.
00:42:39.292 --> 00:42:40.425
They have to feel safe.
00:42:42.858 --> 00:42:47.625
When you speak up, you give other people the permission to do the same.
00:42:47.925 --> 00:42:53.625
So as Free Bird was saying, women empowering each other.
00:42:54.225 --> 00:43:14.659
You set an example, you set this environment where it's comfortable for other people to say something and you go into a bedroom with another couple and you're comfortable speaking up, then the woman on the bed or the man on the bed also feels comfortable about it.
00:43:14.692 --> 00:43:18.592
So you're letting everybody off easy, right?
00:43:18.592 --> 00:43:25.092
Like everybody's like, oh, thank God you said that because now we feel comfortable saying no.
00:43:25.325 --> 00:43:29.059
We weren't gonna say no, but now that you've said that we could say no, right?
00:43:29.825 --> 00:43:36.292
It's kind of embarrassing as adults that we can't just speak up for ourselves, right?
00:43:36.425 --> 00:43:38.225
Like we're supposed to be able to do that.
00:43:39.559 --> 00:43:43.325
episodes like this take time, research and a lot of vulnerability.
00:43:44.125 --> 00:43:51.625
If you value what we do here, if this content has helped you show up more confidently in your own life, consider supporting us on Patreon.
00:43:52.358 --> 00:43:59.358
You get bonus episodes, early access, a community of people navigating this lifestyle, just like you.
00:44:00.259 --> 00:44:02.958
It's our way of going deeper with the people who want more.
00:44:05.325 --> 00:44:10.592
We are going to put the link in the description and thank you so much for being here.
00:44:11.125 --> 00:44:17.525
Yes, and in addition to Patreon, we also have membership on YouTube turned on.
00:44:17.525 --> 00:44:23.292
So if you just wanna hang out in YouTube and you just wanna support us a little bit there, you can do that as well.
00:44:23.325 --> 00:44:28.159
And we have a number of people who have done that and we appreciate you guys.
00:44:28.525 --> 00:44:40.392
And this is a good opportunity to thank anybody who is one of our patrons or one of our members here on YouTube or even just a subscriber.
00:44:41.225 --> 00:44:44.092
I've watched a couple of people say that they just subscribed tonight.
00:44:44.525 --> 00:44:46.025
We appreciate that.
00:44:46.025 --> 00:44:47.025
It helps us.
00:44:47.458 --> 00:44:48.559
It helps us grow the channel.
00:44:48.992 --> 00:44:54.292
It helps us get more exposure so that other people can experience this too.
00:44:55.025 --> 00:45:05.458
So anything you can do to share with a friend or tell a friend helps everybody in the community because we think we're providing a valuable service for the community.
00:45:06.192 --> 00:45:07.259
Final thoughts, my love?
00:45:07.925 --> 00:45:10.625
Yeah, let's talk about the lessons learned.
00:45:10.625 --> 00:45:12.425
We are a university after all.
00:45:12.725 --> 00:45:19.059
(Laughing) So is speaking your truth about power or permission?
00:45:19.692 --> 00:45:21.125
Well, here's what we've learned today.
00:45:21.425 --> 00:45:22.259
It's both.
00:45:23.358 --> 00:45:30.925
It claims the power to set boundaries and it's giving yourself permission to do it without guilt.
00:45:31.625 --> 00:45:35.625
Phoebe realized that it was time to put me first.
00:45:36.792 --> 00:45:39.358
I'm tired of having- Shitty sex.
00:45:40.259 --> 00:45:42.125
I want better experiences.
00:45:43.325 --> 00:45:53.192
And it improved our dynamic as well when we both spoke up for ourselves and it's not selfish.
00:45:54.059 --> 00:46:03.659
It's sustainable because it helps your relationship to continue to grow and it helps you to have better experiences therefore it feeds itself.
00:46:04.958 --> 00:46:10.592
And that's how you stay in the lifestyle long term and actually enjoy it.
00:46:10.992 --> 00:46:14.725
If you take one thing from this episode, let it be this.
00:46:15.592 --> 00:46:19.292
The lifestyle doesn't require you to say yes to everything.
00:46:19.725 --> 00:46:22.192
It requires you to be honest.
00:46:23.492 --> 00:46:32.325
When you finally find your voice, when you stop performing and start participating on your own terms, that's when everything clicks.
00:46:33.792 --> 00:46:35.858
That's when it becomes fun again.
00:46:36.659 --> 00:46:41.292
That's when you realize you were always allowed to drive.
00:46:42.425 --> 00:46:43.958
You just had to reach for the wheel.
00:46:45.659 --> 00:46:51.525
Thanks for being here and we'll see you next week on Patreon.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.766
Everybody has this problem.
00:00:02.966 --> 00:00:14.266
most common phrase that we hear all the time is, "I didn't want to ruin the vibe." you did a lot of like telling the guy what you wanted and where you wanted him.
00:00:14.266 --> 00:00:15.965
Yeah, because I was tired of having shitty sex.
00:00:16.733 --> 00:00:23.300
the moment someone stops for others and starts advocating for themselves, that's when the real fun begins.
00:00:23.300 --> 00:00:27.533
is speaking your truth about power or permission?
00:00:28.166 --> 00:00:29.600
Well, here's what we've learned today.
00:00:30.199 --> 00:00:33.600
When you finally find your voice in everything changes.
00:00:33.865 --> 00:00:37.633
is speaking your truth about power or about permission?
00:00:37.865 --> 00:00:44.200
We're exploring one of the most transformational shift couples make, that's why it's harder for some than others.
00:00:44.500 --> 00:00:47.732
Stick around to the end to get tips on how to find your voice.
00:00:52.899 --> 00:00:53.365
I'm Ed.
00:00:53.732 --> 00:00:54.365
And I'm Phoebe.
00:00:55.232 --> 00:00:57.165
Welcome to Swinger University.
00:00:57.533 --> 00:01:03.899
We've received hundreds of messages over the years about this exact issue, and not just messages.
00:01:04.099 --> 00:01:15.533
We've talked to our friends, we've talked to new people, experienced people, people who've been to all the resorts, Everybody has this problem.
00:01:16.900 --> 00:01:24.465
And that's going along with what the group wants, what their partner wants, what the other couple suggests.
00:01:25.266 --> 00:01:44.733
The most common phrase that we hear all the time is, "I didn't want to ruin the vibe." That hesitation that everyone's going through is destroying their confidence, their comfort with the lifestyle and their experience.
00:01:45.566 --> 00:01:50.733
And the joy that they could be experiencing in the lifestyle.
00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:59.033
In 12 years that we've been in this lifestyle, we've watched this transformation happen again and again.
00:01:59.933 --> 00:02:07.599
And the moment someone stops performing for others and starts advocating for themselves, that's when the real fun begins.
00:02:07.965 --> 00:02:08.733
Oh yeah, yeah.
00:02:08.765 --> 00:02:11.699
And that's when ethical nominogamy, malagudwe.
00:02:12.165 --> 00:02:13.233
The mamma-namma-namma.
00:02:14.233 --> 00:02:19.366
And that's when ethical nominogamy becomes truly empowering instead of just exhausting.
00:02:19.765 --> 00:02:28.633
If this conversation resonates with you, or if you've ever felt like you were just going along to keep the peace, hit that subscribe button.
00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:36.598
This channel is all about real honest conversations that help you and others navigate the lifestyle with confidence.
00:02:37.633 --> 00:02:43.066
Drop a comment, have you ever said yes when you really meant no?
00:02:44.900 --> 00:02:46.733
We read every single one of these comments.
00:02:47.199 --> 00:02:50.966
We reply to them, we love them, we like them, we give you the little thumbs up.
00:02:51.966 --> 00:03:01.400
And often your stories inspire future episodes, including this episode which is based off of one particular email that we got from a listener.
00:03:01.932 --> 00:03:04.699
Let's talk about the caretaker trap.
00:03:05.633 --> 00:03:06.332
Dun dun dun.
00:03:06.598 --> 00:03:13.866
Many people, especially women, but not exclusively, enter the lifestyle with that caretaker mentality.
00:03:14.332 --> 00:03:14.532
Right.
00:03:15.532 --> 00:03:30.866
And it's that of, oh, you know, I don't wanna be difficult, I don't wanna ruin the night, and everyone else seems fine with this, so maybe I just don't get it yet.
00:03:31.133 --> 00:03:38.265
Maybe I just don't understand how it works, or maybe I'm just too tired, or maybe we start making all these excuses.
00:03:39.066 --> 00:03:45.966
This is the classic, I don't wanna be the special order person in the restaurant kind of a thing, right?
00:03:45.966 --> 00:03:56.633
Like we do this in life in general, where it feels almost antisocial to push back or to ask for something more specific.
00:03:56.765 --> 00:04:03.165
This comes from social conditioning, being agreeable, being accommodating, putting others first.
00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:03.566
Right.
00:04:04.500 --> 00:04:24.466
And when you start to have children, you do put others first, your kids, and then at some point as they start to age and grow up and move out of the house, then that starts to shift a little bit and you start to put you first again.
00:04:25.065 --> 00:04:39.233
Although I will say good parenting always does start with putting yourself first, hence the give yourself oxygen first, if the plane is going to crash, then you can help others, because you can't help others if you're dead.
00:04:42.300 --> 00:04:52.399
Yeah, and I think you can let this slide mostly in vanilla life because things are kind impacting in terms of you personally.
00:04:52.833 --> 00:05:10.565
Yeah, it might be an inconvenience and yeah, maybe you didn't want that special sauce on your food or whatever, but in the lifestyle, it's a recipe for burnout and resentment and being unsatisfied on a pretty consistent basis.
00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:12.800
Oh yes, yes, definitely.
00:05:13.733 --> 00:05:19.565
along actually costs, you end up in situations you don't wanna be in.
00:05:20.266 --> 00:05:21.399
Yes, been there.
00:05:22.132 --> 00:05:22.333
Right?
00:05:22.365 --> 00:05:32.065
we were part of a big group and saying no and not going along kind of felt awkward and kind of socially, I don't know what to do.
00:05:32.100 --> 00:05:39.365
So we ended up going to those after parties anyway, even though maybe we didn't wanna play that night or didn't wanna play with anybody in that room.
00:05:39.865 --> 00:05:45.800
Right, part of our reason for that was we were new and we needed to make connections.
00:05:46.432 --> 00:05:50.199
In order to make connections, you have to be in the same place.
00:05:50.899 --> 00:05:55.899
In order to make friends, you have to go do the things that friends are doing.
00:05:56.132 --> 00:06:00.333
So it's challenging, right?
00:06:00.500 --> 00:06:04.899
Yeah, and we were also in a position of the fake it till you make it phase.
00:06:05.300 --> 00:06:17.966
And we thought a lot of this at the time was us just trying to get up to speed and be just comfortable in general with the lifestyle, not knowing what we're talking about today.
00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:19.132
Yes, yes.
00:06:20.233 --> 00:06:29.800
So another thing that's going along where it actually costs you is you perform enjoyment instead of really experiencing it.
00:06:30.165 --> 00:06:32.800
So you literally are faking it.
00:06:33.665 --> 00:06:35.100
Right, a lot.
00:06:36.199 --> 00:06:43.399
And everyone thinks you're having a good time, but your partner knows, right?
00:06:43.399 --> 00:06:56.065
We've had these exchanges where I've looked at Ed and my eyes are like, "Mm," and he's like, "Are you okay?" And I'm like, right?
00:06:56.565 --> 00:07:06.199
So this is where some of those cues come in where we were trying to- Yeah, the secret handshakes or the squeezes, yeah.
00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:10.899
Like, "I need a glass of water," or "I pinch his arm," and he thinks that's all go.
00:07:11.365 --> 00:07:24.632
And yeah, we had to really come up with some tricks for communicating to our other partner to help bail us out if we made a bad decision, particularly me, if I made a bad decision.
00:07:25.699 --> 00:07:30.833
The third one is your partner doesn't know what you actually want because you're not saying it.
00:07:30.833 --> 00:07:35.665
So that is basically what I was saying earlier.
00:07:36.100 --> 00:07:43.100
Yeah, and that was the tragedy that we went through very early in the lifestyle where you didn't want me to not have a good time.
00:07:43.365 --> 00:07:43.565
Right.
00:07:43.899 --> 00:07:52.300
And so you kind of went through the motions or did things that you probably weren't comfortable with at the time.
00:07:52.300 --> 00:07:53.966
You weren't comfortable with them at the time.
00:07:54.500 --> 00:07:55.466
Yeah, yeah.
00:07:55.665 --> 00:07:57.500
I will get to that part later.
00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:01.000
I want to go there right now, but I'll hang in there.
00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:03.632
I'll tell you where I'm going.
00:08:04.632 --> 00:08:09.165
You start to resent yourself in the lifestyle, which is a point that you made a little bit earlier.
00:08:09.733 --> 00:08:14.932
And really the issue is how you're showing up in it.
00:08:15.766 --> 00:08:25.132
And that's the cost. is kind of the metaphor of who's driving, like who's taking control of the situation.
00:08:25.665 --> 00:08:29.966
So when you're not driving, you're just along for the ride.
00:08:30.399 --> 00:08:38.298
You're either a passenger or you're in the backseat or in the trunk and you're waiting for someone else to make all of those decisions.
00:08:38.533 --> 00:08:40.200
And it may not even be your partner.
00:08:40.200 --> 00:08:42.232
It could be somebody else in the group.
00:08:42.633 --> 00:08:43.033
Yes, yes.
00:08:43.765 --> 00:08:45.265
You're reacting instead of initiating.
00:08:46.200 --> 00:08:48.633
And here's some classic examples.
00:08:49.232 --> 00:08:53.232
Saying yes to a couple you're not attracted to because your partner seems interested.
00:08:54.365 --> 00:09:00.732
And the other one is going along with a play scenario that doesn't work for you because everyone else is having fun.
00:09:01.200 --> 00:09:02.832
Yes, oh my God.
00:09:03.700 --> 00:09:05.133
That drove me nuts.
00:09:06.232 --> 00:09:07.100
Drove me nuts.
00:09:07.865 --> 00:09:10.365
Because I felt left out and I couldn't figure it out.
00:09:10.365 --> 00:09:11.365
I was like, why?
00:09:11.798 --> 00:09:13.265
Right, because it wasn't your thing.
00:09:13.265 --> 00:09:14.633
That wasn't what you were into.
00:09:15.033 --> 00:09:15.298
I know.
00:09:15.865 --> 00:09:19.298
And you're in the room, everybody's doing their thing.
00:09:19.666 --> 00:09:22.166
You kind of just go along.
00:09:22.533 --> 00:09:24.399
Yeah, otherwise you feel FOMO.
00:09:24.765 --> 00:09:24.966
Yeah.
00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:25.633
Just terrible.
00:09:26.500 --> 00:09:32.600
So the surprising truth about all of this is that the lifestyle requires you to speak up.
00:09:33.232 --> 00:09:34.500
This isn't an optional thing.
00:09:34.500 --> 00:09:35.832
You have to speak up.
00:09:36.865 --> 00:09:38.700
Consent isn't just yes or no.
00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:43.600
It's yes to this and no to that.
00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:50.600
You have to be very clear about what you want out of an experience, not just, well, we don't do anal.
00:09:51.265 --> 00:09:52.232
Right, I know.
00:09:52.566 --> 00:09:54.200
That's the classic consent conversation.
00:09:55.700 --> 00:09:59.966
And you can also say things like, maybe to this other thing.
00:09:59.966 --> 00:10:07.399
So maybe we'll try this, but we're gonna reserve the right to say no at any point.
00:10:07.798 --> 00:10:08.000
Right.
00:10:09.666 --> 00:10:10.832
Silence isn't consent.
00:10:11.932 --> 00:10:13.899
Silence is often fear.
00:10:14.133 --> 00:10:15.399
You're afraid to speak up.
00:10:15.399 --> 00:10:17.365
You're afraid to say what you really want.
00:10:17.365 --> 00:10:19.399
And so you just button it.
00:10:20.033 --> 00:10:20.232
Yes.
00:10:21.232 --> 00:10:32.633
really challenging for me to step into that position of not wanting to be in the back seat anymore and wanting to drive because I'm not a driver.
00:10:33.265 --> 00:10:38.765
I drive myself, but I love being in a supporting role in life.
00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:43.232
I am a behind the scenes person 100% of the time.
00:10:44.166 --> 00:10:48.100
me to be different in this situation.
00:10:48.633 --> 00:10:56.732
And the core question is, we exploring And how do you shift from going along to speaking up?
00:10:57.232 --> 00:11:01.932
And then what changes when you finally do speak up?
00:11:02.432 --> 00:11:04.798
When finding your voice feels scary.
00:11:05.432 --> 00:11:07.365
Da da da da.
00:11:08.133 --> 00:11:12.033
Saying what you want can feel selfish, but it's not.
00:11:12.932 --> 00:11:13.133
Right.
00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:19.432
And when you're not used to doing that, can feel selfish if putting others first.
00:11:19.765 --> 00:11:20.200
Love yourself.
00:11:21.265 --> 00:11:24.200
Saying no can feel like you're letting someone down, but you're not.
00:11:25.332 --> 00:11:27.000
I had this issue a lot.
00:11:27.666 --> 00:11:27.865
Yes.
00:11:29.466 --> 00:11:45.133
This is what I was wanting to say at the beginning of the episode, which was I felt a very big burden of being, what felt like I was in charge of your happiness by what I said.
00:11:45.966 --> 00:11:48.265
If I said no, you were gonna have a shitty night.
00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:51.066
If I said yes, you're gonna have the time of your life.
00:11:51.399 --> 00:11:51.600
Right.
00:11:52.200 --> 00:12:03.000
So me being in control of that was like huge, really, really difficult to overcome.
00:12:03.466 --> 00:12:04.700
It's a lot of responsibility.
00:12:05.633 --> 00:12:06.732
It is.
00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:16.133
And because we were new in our relationship together and new to swinging, I felt like, wow, you know, this could make it or break it.
00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:16.798
Right.
00:12:17.633 --> 00:12:21.865
So we had a lot of discussions about this, a lot, a lot, a lot.
00:12:23.066 --> 00:12:23.365
Yes.
00:12:24.332 --> 00:12:29.365
And I think we cover what that discussion turned into later.
00:12:31.133 --> 00:12:47.832
There's always this fear that you're being too demanding, that people will not wanna play with you because you're just, you know, they're too picky The truth is people do respect boundaries and people don't respect doormats.
00:12:49.500 --> 00:12:50.700
Yeah, and I think that's the thing.
00:12:51.500 --> 00:12:55.265
You speaking up shows a level of confidence.
00:12:55.932 --> 00:12:59.200
And as we've said before, confidence is very sexy.
00:12:59.432 --> 00:12:59.832
Oh, yes.
00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:01.332
Couples really like that.
00:13:01.533 --> 00:13:06.232
Yeah, speaking of confidence, that was a huge shift for me.
00:13:06.232 --> 00:13:10.466
When I started to find my voice and stand up for myself, I became more confident.
00:13:11.365 --> 00:13:15.066
And I started saying exactly what I wanted instead of just going along.
00:13:16.166 --> 00:13:23.633
So I set goals for each interaction example, one of the goals was, I would use more direction during sex.
00:13:24.633 --> 00:13:31.066
So to the left, to the right, harder, more pressure, less pressure, less licking, right?
00:13:31.899 --> 00:13:34.066
Slower, faster, whatever it might be.
00:13:34.365 --> 00:13:34.566
Right.
00:13:34.899 --> 00:13:39.432
And when I started to do that, was amazing, right?
00:13:39.533 --> 00:13:46.100
I got what I wanted and the guy or the girl was like, oh, you want that?
00:13:46.100 --> 00:13:47.566
Oh, okay, I can do that.
00:13:47.966 --> 00:13:52.432
And it was like, oh, you're enthusiastic about me giving you directions.
00:13:53.033 --> 00:13:55.932
So it was this really nice feedback loop.
00:13:56.932 --> 00:13:59.432
And so everybody got what everybody wanted.
00:13:59.832 --> 00:14:00.033
Right.
00:14:01.133 --> 00:14:03.166
Which was surprising to me.
00:14:04.633 --> 00:14:15.432
I also started more recently, I would say, in the last year or two years, refusing a hug or kiss that I didn't want.
00:14:17.365 --> 00:14:19.566
Yeah, that one's been trickier for you.
00:14:19.798 --> 00:14:27.365
It's been trickier because it's very socially ingrained and I don't always want to hug or kiss somebody.
00:14:27.765 --> 00:14:30.765
sometimes I put my hand out and someone goes, oh, I'm a hugger.
00:14:30.765 --> 00:14:32.865
And they like crash into me anyway.
00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:42.798
And now I've got their smelly perfume all over me or their BO and then like, it's all in my hair and it's on my outfit that I didn't want to have to hand wash.
00:14:43.765 --> 00:14:46.666
And like, oh my God.
00:14:47.332 --> 00:14:56.765
So it's challenging on so many respects because it's just a norm for social vanilla life even.
00:14:56.832 --> 00:15:02.865
And so I'm learning a new script for that.
00:15:03.566 --> 00:15:08.200
Hi, I'm neurodivergent and I don't always like hugging, but I'm happy to give you a handshake.
00:15:10.399 --> 00:15:11.000
Easy enough.
00:15:12.432 --> 00:15:14.600
I confident every single time I do that?
00:15:15.399 --> 00:15:15.600
No.
00:15:16.832 --> 00:15:17.899
Am I still learning?
00:15:18.899 --> 00:15:19.100
Yes.
00:15:21.432 --> 00:15:33.566
thing was trying to let someone down gently and that was another goal, learning to be very mindful of my words and let them down gently.
00:15:33.633 --> 00:15:38.500
tried out little scripts on you when we were getting ready and then in the car.
00:15:39.133 --> 00:15:45.100
And then I also tried to be very clear and compassionate with my communication.
00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:50.265
And the result was I felt more empowered with every interaction.
00:15:51.133 --> 00:16:05.066
challenge sometimes is when you're communicating with people later in the evening when they've been vibing on like their drug or drink of choice, they, you know, it's a little harder to get compliance.
00:16:05.899 --> 00:16:11.399
So, but you know, it ends up working out.
00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:15.732
And the most important thing is that you're learning to speak up for yourself.
00:16:16.332 --> 00:16:17.798
So you feel better.
00:16:18.100 --> 00:16:26.000
You feel like you've advocated for yourself and that's huge, there's this gender dynamic.
00:16:26.033 --> 00:16:36.100
We mentioned it earlier, we were talking about women primarily have this issue of being the caretaker and not wanting to rock the boat, not be the wet blanket, that kind of thing.
00:16:37.133 --> 00:16:42.832
And there's really an opportunity for women to drive this situation.
00:16:43.100 --> 00:16:44.399
You use this phrase all the time.
00:16:44.700 --> 00:16:46.432
Women are the gas and the brake.
00:16:47.298 --> 00:16:58.633
And women have a massive opportunity to basically be in control of the lifestyle and men are gonna go along with it.
00:16:58.633 --> 00:17:00.432
Cause we're happy to say yes.
00:17:01.265 --> 00:17:05.098
You're happy just to see boobies and butts and running around.
00:17:05.098 --> 00:17:05.766
All the time.
00:17:06.066 --> 00:17:08.133
People doing sexy things.
00:17:08.500 --> 00:17:14.432
If you tell me I have to sit in a corner and watch, then you know, I might be just fine doing that too.
00:17:16.633 --> 00:17:20.400
It's isn't about who's quote in charge.
00:17:21.333 --> 00:17:27.766
It's about who's willing to steer where the dynamic is going.
00:17:27.766 --> 00:17:29.798
So it's not like you're bossing somebody around.
00:17:30.865 --> 00:17:35.333
You're just, you're leading and leaders don't have to be bossy.
00:17:35.333 --> 00:17:36.965
You don't have to do it in a bad way.
00:17:36.965 --> 00:17:39.566
Like you said, clear and compassionate.
00:17:39.900 --> 00:17:42.500
You can be a clear and compassionate leader.
00:17:42.500 --> 00:17:48.232
You can stand by what you want and kind of guide where people are going.
00:17:49.732 --> 00:17:53.298
In many vanilla relationships, men lead by default.
00:17:53.566 --> 00:17:58.032
We were joking about trad wives the other night and how that's a thing.
00:17:58.432 --> 00:18:17.200
And in certain cultures, when we were at one of the events in Texas, we were talking with a couple for a really long time and then the Hispanic community, the culture is that the men are the primary instigator and the women depend on that.
00:18:17.932 --> 00:18:18.965
And they know that.
00:18:19.165 --> 00:18:25.266
And so it's a completely different culture role shift.
00:18:25.900 --> 00:18:26.665
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:26.965 --> 00:18:34.133
And I'll even say, even in vanilla relationships, the guy asks the girl out.
00:18:34.133 --> 00:18:36.000
The guy pays for dinner.
00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:37.798
The guy opens the door, right?
00:18:37.798 --> 00:18:41.833
Like there's these traditional social norms that have been set up.
00:18:42.500 --> 00:18:47.500
And I think that has set us in that pattern so much.
00:18:47.566 --> 00:18:56.566
And the risk is it, the lifestyle is so different than that and there's so much more involved with it.
00:18:56.566 --> 00:18:59.298
It's not just a social courtesy anymore.
00:18:59.633 --> 00:18:59.900
Yeah.
00:19:01.598 --> 00:19:12.133
the lifestyle, that script flips around and women should be in charge because they have so much more at stake with what's going on.
00:19:12.865 --> 00:19:22.200
They have social permission to set the tone, to choose the connection saying yes or no to potential partners and direct play.
00:19:22.798 --> 00:19:27.432
And most men love being told what to do in the bedroom by women.
00:19:28.133 --> 00:19:36.400
being able to say what they want, it's incredibly empowering, but it's also incredibly sexy.
00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:40.965
Mm-hmm, The right every time trap.
00:19:41.665 --> 00:19:42.133
Dun dun.
00:19:43.232 --> 00:19:53.400
And I kept practicing though, I didn't get this right every time, that type of perfectionism, right?
00:19:54.232 --> 00:19:57.066
And it killed progress.
00:19:57.400 --> 00:19:57.833
Oh yeah.
00:19:59.133 --> 00:20:13.932
So you're not always going to say the perfect thing and you're going to fumble and over explain and maybe even hurt someone's feelings, unfortunately and unintentionally, but that's part of the learning curve.
00:20:13.965 --> 00:20:14.665
Right, right.
00:20:14.665 --> 00:20:18.098
And the goal isn't perfection, it's practice.
00:20:18.098 --> 00:20:25.098
we'd have an intimate conversation between us, we'd go off to the side where we could hear one another and say, how are you doing?
00:20:25.098 --> 00:20:26.833
Is anyone interesting to you tonight?
00:20:27.066 --> 00:20:27.266
Right.
00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:29.566
What are you thinking?
00:20:30.232 --> 00:20:33.333
Has your idea changed about the night?
00:20:33.365 --> 00:20:36.066
Are you willing to play or not willing to play, right?
00:20:36.766 --> 00:20:38.965
Because a lot changes in that situation.
00:20:40.633 --> 00:20:46.066
And here's the real trick, the discomfort before you have this breakthrough.
00:20:46.066 --> 00:20:49.633
So it's always going to be awkward before you figure it out.
00:20:50.200 --> 00:20:53.633
Finding your power feels uncomfortable.
00:20:54.633 --> 00:21:07.566
You're breaking old patterns, so you're relearning something, you're risking conflict, even though speaking up for yourself usually avoids conflict, which is the irony of this situation.
00:21:55.736 --> 00:21:56.036
I know.
00:21:57.135 --> 00:22:03.370
And the really important thing to remember is, this discomfort is temporary.
00:22:03.935 --> 00:22:05.470
It's just while you're learning.
00:22:05.736 --> 00:22:18.870
And as soon as you figure it out, as soon as you get comfortable saying it, you've built the habit, remember, repetition builds habits, and then that habit becomes permanent.
00:22:19.403 --> 00:22:23.870
You've learned the skill, and now you can enact it anytime you need to.
00:22:25.568 --> 00:22:27.068
The intimacy upgrade.
00:22:27.769 --> 00:22:30.769
When you start speaking up, your partner learns what you actually want.
00:22:31.702 --> 00:22:36.036
That guesswork disappears, your play becomes more authentic.
00:22:36.103 --> 00:22:37.269
had a partner that said yes to everything.
00:22:37.502 --> 00:22:44.836
We like she was just trying to push it. It seemed like she was just trying to please him, her husband.
00:22:44.836 --> 00:22:46.935
It was really his idea, and she was going along.
00:22:47.803 --> 00:22:59.068
Yes, because you could tell through her body language and through her nonverbal communication, even though she had said yes, she was checked out.
00:22:59.435 --> 00:23:01.803
She wasn't engaged in the situation.
00:23:02.170 --> 00:23:10.336
And so we started getting, like I said, uncomfortable with that because it just, it felt like something was off.
00:23:10.970 --> 00:23:11.903
Yeah, yeah.
00:23:12.502 --> 00:23:18.370
we were with another couple, was funny, they finally said, oh, we're not into that.
00:23:19.202 --> 00:23:21.769
We're like, oh, okay, well.
00:23:22.935 --> 00:23:24.370
That's great, thanks for letting us know.
00:23:24.370 --> 00:23:25.170
Thanks for letting us know.
00:23:27.403 --> 00:23:32.635
And we were so relieved because we've been misreading these signals for months.
00:23:33.702 --> 00:23:38.068
And it was just refreshing to just be in the know.
00:23:38.603 --> 00:23:41.002
Right, and we just zigged instead of zagged.
00:23:41.002 --> 00:23:42.568
So we just did something different.
00:23:42.568 --> 00:23:43.970
It was easy.
00:23:44.935 --> 00:23:47.702
in that is information is key, right?
00:23:47.702 --> 00:23:54.068
They gave us information that allowed us to make a different choice and a different decision, which took us on a different path.
00:23:54.635 --> 00:23:56.068
And so that felt much better.
00:23:56.502 --> 00:23:58.002
Exactly, exactly.
00:23:58.970 --> 00:24:02.103
So how do you actually do this?
00:24:02.502 --> 00:24:07.303
So we've talked a lot about our examples of what we did, but how do you build this?
00:24:07.903 --> 00:24:12.170
How do you go from silent people pleaser to confident communicator?
00:24:13.002 --> 00:24:19.935
Well, that's what we're gonna get into next, a simple framework that makes this shift way easier than you think.
00:24:20.370 --> 00:24:27.303
By the way, if you're getting value from this conversation, our Patreon community goes even deeper.
00:24:27.970 --> 00:24:37.970
We do monthly Q and A's, early accessed episodes and bonus content where we dive into the messy, nuanced stuff we can't always cover on YouTube.
00:24:38.970 --> 00:24:42.836
If you want more, check out the link below or in this episode.
00:24:44.002 --> 00:24:46.568
Now let's get into the how to.
00:24:46.836 --> 00:24:52.103
Well, let's talk about what we're gonna call this the power framework.
00:24:52.103 --> 00:24:54.470
Cause it sounds really, it sounds cool.
00:24:55.103 --> 00:24:56.068
It does sound cool.
00:24:56.303 --> 00:24:59.536
There are three steps to this that we're gonna outline here.
00:25:00.702 --> 00:25:05.370
And one of them you've kind of alluded to, but we'll kind of go into it in more detail here.
00:25:05.370 --> 00:25:08.568
And that is get clear before you show up.
00:25:09.502 --> 00:25:14.935
Before any event, a date, a play session, check in with yourself.
00:25:15.635 --> 00:25:15.803
Yep.
00:25:16.836 --> 00:25:20.370
You ask yourself, what do I actually want tonight?
00:25:21.603 --> 00:25:25.536
What would make me feel empowered walking out of here?
00:25:26.635 --> 00:25:31.002
And what's a hard no for me right now?
00:25:32.135 --> 00:25:36.336
So you're setting your own internal boundaries and acknowledging them.
00:25:36.336 --> 00:25:38.202
So you got to do a little introspection here.
00:25:39.403 --> 00:25:44.336
And these are those goals that I was telling you that I was set for myself.
00:25:45.002 --> 00:25:45.202
Right.
00:25:45.435 --> 00:25:47.336
For each event or interaction.
00:25:48.702 --> 00:25:52.403
Now, the key thing to remember, this isn't scripting the night.
00:25:52.403 --> 00:25:57.336
This isn't saying how it's gonna happen or who you're gonna sleep with or any of that.
00:25:57.736 --> 00:26:01.236
This is just setting your expectations.
00:26:01.635 --> 00:26:05.435
And this kind of goes into that whole, like setting your expectations low.
00:26:06.135 --> 00:26:09.903
They're setting your expectations to what you want to happen.
00:26:09.970 --> 00:26:10.336
Yeah.
00:26:10.502 --> 00:26:11.903
What you're comfortable with.
00:26:12.236 --> 00:26:12.502
Right.
00:26:12.935 --> 00:26:17.803
And I didn't actually think about this until just now.
00:26:19.336 --> 00:26:22.303
We kept hearing have no expectations, have no expectations.
00:26:23.403 --> 00:26:24.970
(Mumbles) I'm like, oh my God.
00:26:25.202 --> 00:26:27.603
Okay, that sounds great, but.
00:26:27.635 --> 00:26:28.769
What does that actually mean?
00:26:28.769 --> 00:26:30.202
instead we did this.
00:26:30.202 --> 00:26:39.970
We set our expectations for what we wanted to do based on what we wanted to achieve that night, who we wanted to talk to, who we wanted to potentially play with.
00:26:40.002 --> 00:26:46.370
We set goals for ourselves it wasn't about not having expectations, it was setting expectations for yourself.
00:26:47.068 --> 00:26:54.403
Yeah, and I think it has to do with setting those realistic expectations By the way, you can also extend this and do this with your partner too.
00:26:54.635 --> 00:26:56.269
Like this isn't just a solo activity.
00:26:56.635 --> 00:27:05.403
You should have a pow wow ahead of time with your partner about this so that you both have your expectations, but have yours first and then have yours.
00:27:05.836 --> 00:27:05.970
Right.
00:27:06.336 --> 00:27:08.635
You've both, everybody's gotta be in alignment.
00:27:08.970 --> 00:27:09.236
Yeah.
00:27:09.435 --> 00:27:12.236
practice the compassionate no.
00:27:12.236 --> 00:27:19.202
So this is that whole fake it till you make it or the visualization aspect of it.
00:27:19.736 --> 00:27:22.736
You can say no and still be kind.
00:27:24.970 --> 00:27:44.435
And I would let someone down gently as I was mentioning before and all of this was well thought out with words that I had practiced in my head and I could still use that to communicate what I wanted in the moment while being compassionate to others.
00:27:46.202 --> 00:27:48.702
Here's some examples, because we love examples.
00:27:50.002 --> 00:27:53.935
You're lovely, but I'm not feeling a connection right now.
00:27:54.269 --> 00:27:56.702
So you kind of do the sandwich technique, right?
00:27:56.702 --> 00:27:59.603
Where you give them a compliment and then let them down.
00:27:59.903 --> 00:28:01.336
And then a compliment at the end.
00:28:01.370 --> 00:28:01.702
Right.
00:28:01.702 --> 00:28:03.002
That one didn't have a compliment at the end.
00:28:03.036 --> 00:28:06.336
Doesn't have a compliment at the end, but you kind of don't necessarily need it.
00:28:43.725 --> 00:28:44.725
It's an open sandwich.
00:28:45.093 --> 00:28:46.225
Yeah, open face sandwich.
00:28:46.225 --> 00:28:47.425
This is a deconstructed sandwich.
00:28:48.858 --> 00:28:53.192
I appreciate the invite, but tonight's not the right night for us.
00:28:54.026 --> 00:28:57.026
Now some of these open you up for future conversations.
00:28:57.558 --> 00:29:02.526
And if you were feeling that, then these are really good examples.
00:29:02.826 --> 00:29:05.593
Because you go, it is just a tonight thing.
00:29:06.058 --> 00:29:07.625
We are interested in this couple.
00:29:07.925 --> 00:29:14.093
So let's let them down gently and leave the door open for later opportunities.
00:29:14.492 --> 00:29:14.692
Yes.
00:29:16.125 --> 00:29:18.225
And this is a really good one.
00:29:18.225 --> 00:29:21.759
This is one that we encourage people, especially when we went into a playroom with them.
00:29:21.960 --> 00:29:24.692
And that was anybody can pull the ripcord at any point.
00:29:25.225 --> 00:29:32.093
So if you need to pause, just call a timeout.
00:29:32.492 --> 00:29:36.393
We are okay with anybody saying no at any point.
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:41.259
And be comfortable saying, I need to pause here.
00:29:41.792 --> 00:29:42.792
Can we check in?
00:29:43.925 --> 00:29:49.026
So that's a communication to your partner, but that could also be with the group.
00:29:49.792 --> 00:29:55.326
Yeah, we need to take a pause and check in with each other.
00:29:56.725 --> 00:29:58.826
And then that's really just it.
00:29:59.326 --> 00:30:01.026
And then we go, oh yeah, yeah, sure.
00:30:01.292 --> 00:30:02.225
Yeah, take your time.
00:30:02.225 --> 00:30:03.192
We'll be over here.
00:30:03.925 --> 00:30:04.960
Just let us know.
00:30:04.960 --> 00:30:06.326
We'll hang out.
00:30:06.393 --> 00:30:08.992
Sometimes we hang out for five minutes to see if they come back.
00:30:08.992 --> 00:30:13.759
Sometimes depending on what the conversation looks like, you go, oh, this is gonna be a while.
00:30:14.393 --> 00:30:16.326
And then you just put on your closing.
00:30:16.826 --> 00:30:24.259
And you don't have to get into the very, feely aspect of why you need to have that conversation to the side.
00:30:24.725 --> 00:30:35.425
It's in many respects, it's not anybody's business, but yours and you and your partner can go figure it out and regroup and come back or not.
00:30:36.192 --> 00:30:37.326
But that's okay.
00:30:40.160 --> 00:30:50.125
The goal is to once again, have clarity and kindness and you don't owe anyone any explanation beyond, no thank you.
00:30:50.792 --> 00:30:53.292
You do the no thank you very well, I will say.
00:30:54.460 --> 00:30:55.725
I don't.
00:30:55.826 --> 00:30:56.093
Yes.
00:30:57.425 --> 00:31:00.292
You do it with this, I think it's your voice.
00:31:00.526 --> 00:31:04.492
It's deep and soothing and you have a smile when you do it.
00:31:05.259 --> 00:31:09.093
And it's always like, oh, okay.
00:31:10.225 --> 00:31:20.792
And I genuinely mean, you know, all of this in my head, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, I'm not interested in hurting your feelings, you're lovely people, but.
00:31:21.225 --> 00:31:21.826
No thank you.
00:31:22.225 --> 00:31:22.992
No thank you.
00:31:24.192 --> 00:31:30.593
Except for when they hit the front doorbell and I see that they have a clipboard and then I'm like, get off my lawn.
00:31:31.125 --> 00:31:42.992
(Laughing) Step three, use direction, not apology, instead of sorry, but maybe we could try something else.
00:31:43.893 --> 00:31:49.160
Try, let's switch it up to whatever.
00:31:49.192 --> 00:31:51.192
Whatever you're in the mood for, right.
00:31:51.826 --> 00:31:53.259
That's what I'm in the mood for.
00:31:54.393 --> 00:31:56.858
And I've done that and that works very well.
00:31:57.492 --> 00:32:10.292
Yeah, that's the classic magician, just redirection, right, like you don't tell them to not pay attention to what you're putting in your pocket, you just go, and over here, and you give them something shiny to look at.
00:32:10.358 --> 00:32:10.893
Shiny, shiny.
00:32:12.593 --> 00:32:18.692
Direction is empowering for you and your partners, people respond well to confidence.
00:32:20.125 --> 00:32:31.225
I used a lot more direction later on in our swinging lifestyle experiences once I kind of figured out my stuff.
00:32:32.192 --> 00:32:32.992
Yeah, yeah.
00:32:33.358 --> 00:32:34.792
Got my confidence and all that.
00:32:35.093 --> 00:32:40.526
And you did a lot of like telling the guy what you wanted and where you wanted him.
00:32:40.526 --> 00:32:42.225
Yeah, because I was tired of having shitty sex.
00:32:44.593 --> 00:32:47.725
There it is, that's the million dollar.
00:32:47.725 --> 00:33:08.425
And I said, if I'm gonna put on this makeup and get my body dressed and spend the money to get in the door and deal with the noise and get on a bed that's got a wet spot, I'm gonna tell him what I really want because time is a-wasting.
00:33:09.125 --> 00:33:14.425
Right, and I'll reiterate, this isn't bossy, No.
00:33:15.125 --> 00:33:24.192
It's hot, I like being told what to do in a bedroom, I like a woman taking charge and telling me what she wants.
00:33:25.526 --> 00:33:35.225
Never going to bother me, I have always enjoyed that and it's not even like the dominatrix level, it's just tell me how to please you.
00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:39.692
Tell me what pushes your buttons.
00:33:40.292 --> 00:33:40.725
Absolutely.
00:33:40.759 --> 00:33:46.425
Because I will, I'll push that button all night if you want me to.
00:33:47.593 --> 00:33:55.160
When you know what you want and you say it clearly, as I said, it's very attractive, very attractive.
00:33:56.893 --> 00:33:58.358
Permission giving moment.
00:33:59.425 --> 00:34:02.160
You are not responsible for other people's disappointment.
00:34:03.425 --> 00:34:07.460
Saying no to one thing is saying yes to your own comfort and boundaries.
00:34:08.326 --> 00:34:11.093
The right people will respect your honesty.
00:34:12.226 --> 00:34:14.425
The wrong people will pressure you.
00:34:14.858 --> 00:34:15.226
Red flag.
00:34:16.293 --> 00:34:18.193
And that's how you know they're wrong.
00:34:20.826 --> 00:34:29.425
So here's, so we've given you the framework and we're gonna go through some real world scenarios, three of them.
00:34:29.593 --> 00:34:33.660
So first scenario, soft swap that wants to go further.
00:34:33.660 --> 00:34:39.193
This is probably a pretty typical boundary pushing behavior.
00:34:40.126 --> 00:34:50.492
So you went into the playroom, you agreed to soft swap, but all of a sudden they're like, yeah, but couldn't we try full swap?
00:34:50.992 --> 00:34:52.826
I'll just put the tip in.
00:34:53.492 --> 00:34:56.058
(Laughing) There's a whole bunch of different ways to do that.
00:34:57.425 --> 00:35:11.092
So the old you before the framework would just be silent and maybe not say yes, but not say no, maybe even give in.
00:35:11.358 --> 00:35:27.393
And then in the morning, you're gonna regret that because you pushed a boundary and maybe it was a boundary because you and your partner set that down and he finds out or she finds out later, bad news.
00:35:28.225 --> 00:35:33.592
The new you, we talked about soft swap and that's where I'm at tonight.
00:35:33.925 --> 00:35:38.492
Let's keep it fun, but within that play style.
00:35:39.625 --> 00:35:42.059
Mm-hmm, and we've heard couples say that.
00:35:43.625 --> 00:35:47.825
It's easy and if you still get pressured, that's time to leave.
00:35:48.259 --> 00:35:48.592
Oh yeah.
00:35:49.092 --> 00:35:49.392
For sure.
00:35:49.825 --> 00:35:50.125
Yes.
00:35:52.025 --> 00:35:54.692
Scenario number two, the couple you're not into.
00:35:55.025 --> 00:35:55.692
And it happens.
00:35:56.458 --> 00:35:58.592
Your partner is interested, but you are not.
00:35:59.559 --> 00:36:00.825
That happens all the time.
00:36:01.292 --> 00:36:01.992
Imagine that.
00:36:03.925 --> 00:36:07.592
Old you, go along, fake your enthusiasm.
00:36:09.059 --> 00:36:15.692
By the way, enthusiasm is a euphemism for fake your orgasm because that's probably what's happening.
00:36:16.659 --> 00:36:19.492
New you privately to your partner.
00:36:20.592 --> 00:36:22.092
I'm not feeling it with them.
00:36:22.625 --> 00:36:24.092
Let's keep mingling.
00:36:25.759 --> 00:36:36.725
100%, and I would so much rather hear that from you than maybe get into a situation where it goes downhill super fast.
00:36:37.225 --> 00:36:37.592
Oh yeah.
00:36:38.425 --> 00:36:40.059
Before we get into a situation.
00:36:40.958 --> 00:36:43.125
And it's also the waste of time thing.
00:36:43.792 --> 00:36:44.492
You're not interested.
00:36:44.925 --> 00:36:48.925
I'm not gonna keep using all my best pickup lines.
00:36:49.392 --> 00:36:49.692
Yeah.
00:36:49.925 --> 00:36:51.925
I'm gonna go use them someplace else.
00:36:51.925 --> 00:37:03.059
Okay, so let's throw another one in here because this has happened to us where we've gotten split up at a house party and you're super flirty over here and cashing checks.
00:37:03.059 --> 00:37:03.458
Never happened.
00:37:04.725 --> 00:37:10.292
And I'm over here by the water cooler and I'm having conversations of my own, but it's not over there.
00:37:10.892 --> 00:37:15.425
And all of a sudden you three think it's a great idea to go to the bedroom.
00:37:15.425 --> 00:37:18.392
And then you're like, great, I'll just go get Phoebe.
00:37:19.125 --> 00:37:22.325
And I'm like, hard stop.
00:37:22.659 --> 00:37:23.525
Like what, huh?
00:37:24.492 --> 00:37:27.325
I have no idea what's going on.
00:37:27.992 --> 00:37:31.092
And everyone's all like, let's go.
00:37:32.225 --> 00:37:37.425
And how do you stop the momentum?
00:37:37.458 --> 00:37:42.159
If you had three people looking at you, you're like, let's go.
00:37:44.425 --> 00:37:45.892
Well, first- What did we do?
00:37:46.225 --> 00:37:47.225
How did we fix that?
00:37:47.992 --> 00:37:50.825
First, we stopped writing checks without checking in with each other.
00:37:51.092 --> 00:37:53.525
That's the first thing that should have happened.
00:37:54.292 --> 00:38:06.592
And the second one was, if you're going to write a check or you're interested in writing a check to tell the people who you're dragging along with you, I'm gonna check in with my partner first and find out.
00:38:07.092 --> 00:38:09.625
Yes, that has saved us.
00:38:09.892 --> 00:38:14.692
That has saved me, you, us a lot.
00:38:18.392 --> 00:38:28.392
My transformation, as we have been talking about throughout this podcast and video, my confidence grew and I was definitely more comfortable.
00:38:28.692 --> 00:38:30.358
It was time to put me first.
00:38:31.325 --> 00:38:32.292
And that's the shift.
00:38:32.492 --> 00:38:36.659
It was from performing for others to prioritizing myself.
00:38:37.059 --> 00:38:42.492
And going from caretaker to the driver, from being silent to being vocal.
00:38:43.492 --> 00:38:47.425
And the result, I had more fun and not less fun.
00:38:47.925 --> 00:38:49.759
And I got what I wanted.
00:38:52.292 --> 00:38:59.425
Yeah, and I got what I wanted because at the end of the night, you were more satisfied or happy with the results.
00:38:59.825 --> 00:39:07.192
You didn't feel like you had taken one for the team, which was never our agreement.
00:39:07.492 --> 00:39:08.825
We were never into that.
00:39:09.192 --> 00:39:15.692
No, but that's where that subtlety lies where I wasn't consciously taking one for the team.
00:39:16.192 --> 00:39:30.458
It was me just choosing to do what I thought was easier, which was to just not say anything to my own detriment.
00:39:31.492 --> 00:39:45.625
Yeah, and that's a good distinction because it wasn't like we'd ever been in situation, sort of, we hadn't been in situations where the expectation was that you were gonna go along so that I got what I wanted.
00:39:46.292 --> 00:39:50.692
So that the classic taking one for the team, we didn't really do that.
00:39:51.392 --> 00:39:55.858
We accidentally did ended up in situations where that kind of thing sorta happened.
00:39:57.625 --> 00:40:07.325
But the nuance with this is you being fully committed to it and not mostly committed to it.
00:40:07.625 --> 00:40:12.992
That like solid yes, not a mostly I'm okay.
00:40:13.659 --> 00:40:16.725
And I've been in situations where I'm like, yeah, I'm okay.
00:40:17.858 --> 00:40:23.525
But I think I'm less worried about that because I usually end up having a good time anyway.
00:40:24.592 --> 00:40:27.059
And that's just been my experience with things.
00:40:27.392 --> 00:40:27.592
Easy.
00:40:28.059 --> 00:40:30.392
I'm very easy.
00:40:31.092 --> 00:40:39.692
The other thing I wanted to throw in there real quick is it also made, it made you feel better.
00:40:40.192 --> 00:40:45.458
So like when I didn't speak up, the next day I felt terrible.
00:40:46.025 --> 00:40:47.259
And then we had a conversation.
00:40:47.625 --> 00:40:48.792
And then I felt terrible.
00:40:48.792 --> 00:40:50.192
And then you felt really bad.
00:40:50.392 --> 00:40:50.559
Right.
00:40:51.725 --> 00:40:54.358
And then I felt bad that you felt bad.
00:40:54.458 --> 00:40:59.425
Right, it's this like cascade of doom and regret.
00:40:59.858 --> 00:41:05.692
And you felt, yeah, you felt bad for me and bad for the situation and bad like it all.
00:41:05.692 --> 00:41:13.092
And then it just kind of tarnished the good time you thought we were having that I was just kind of sort of having.
00:41:13.725 --> 00:41:21.025
And if you had found your voice during that event, no doubt we still would have had a great time.
00:41:21.292 --> 00:41:23.458
We always have a good time at those events.
00:41:23.458 --> 00:41:25.159
It just would have been a different time.
00:41:26.292 --> 00:41:32.592
So it feels hard, it feels difficult, but it's really not.
00:41:33.492 --> 00:41:38.325
And this is the last little bit and then we'll get into some more questions and read through the chat.
00:41:39.192 --> 00:41:52.358
The lifestyle loves boundaries and ethical non-monogamy isn't about saying yes to everything, it's about knowing yourself well enough to say yes to the right things.
00:41:52.392 --> 00:41:57.225
In other words, knowing what you want, as we keep saying, it's sexy.
00:41:58.125 --> 00:42:06.425
And getting what you want out of lifestyle because you asked for it is amazing and everybody wants to do the thing that makes you happy.
00:42:06.792 --> 00:42:09.892
Like we're all in this to kind of please our partner.
00:42:10.392 --> 00:42:17.858
And if the partner wants this thing, providing that is fantastic.
00:42:18.325 --> 00:42:22.659
It's not a buzzkill, you just know which buttons to go after.
00:42:23.825 --> 00:42:26.292
They're the foundation of trust and safety.
00:42:26.692 --> 00:42:39.292
And for all the research that we've done about women and sexuality and their ability to orgasm, safety is actually one of the number one things for women to be able to achieve orgasm.
00:42:39.292 --> 00:42:40.425
They have to feel safe.
00:42:42.858 --> 00:42:47.625
When you speak up, you give other people the permission to do the same.
00:42:47.925 --> 00:42:53.625
So as Free Bird was saying, women empowering each other.
00:42:54.225 --> 00:43:14.659
You set an example, you set this environment where it's comfortable for other people to say something and you go into a bedroom with another couple and you're comfortable speaking up, then the woman on the bed or the man on the bed also feels comfortable about it.
00:43:14.692 --> 00:43:18.592
So you're letting everybody off easy, right?
00:43:18.592 --> 00:43:25.092
Like everybody's like, oh, thank God you said that because now we feel comfortable saying no.
00:43:25.325 --> 00:43:29.059
We weren't gonna say no, but now that you've said that we could say no, right?
00:43:29.825 --> 00:43:36.292
It's kind of embarrassing as adults that we can't just speak up for ourselves, right?
00:43:36.425 --> 00:43:38.225
Like we're supposed to be able to do that.
00:43:39.559 --> 00:43:43.325
episodes like this take time, research and a lot of vulnerability.
00:43:44.125 --> 00:43:51.625
If you value what we do here, if this content has helped you show up more confidently in your own life, consider supporting us on Patreon.
00:43:52.358 --> 00:43:59.358
You get bonus episodes, early access, a community of people navigating this lifestyle, just like you.
00:44:00.259 --> 00:44:02.958
It's our way of going deeper with the people who want more.
00:44:05.325 --> 00:44:10.592
We are going to put the link in the description and thank you so much for being here.
00:44:11.125 --> 00:44:17.525
Yes, and in addition to Patreon, we also have membership on YouTube turned on.
00:44:17.525 --> 00:44:23.292
So if you just wanna hang out in YouTube and you just wanna support us a little bit there, you can do that as well.
00:44:23.325 --> 00:44:28.159
And we have a number of people who have done that and we appreciate you guys.
00:44:28.525 --> 00:44:40.392
And this is a good opportunity to thank anybody who is one of our patrons or one of our members here on YouTube or even just a subscriber.
00:44:41.225 --> 00:44:44.092
I've watched a couple of people say that they just subscribed tonight.
00:44:44.525 --> 00:44:46.025
We appreciate that.
00:44:46.025 --> 00:44:47.025
It helps us.
00:44:47.458 --> 00:44:48.559
It helps us grow the channel.
00:44:48.992 --> 00:44:54.292
It helps us get more exposure so that other people can experience this too.
00:44:55.025 --> 00:45:05.458
So anything you can do to share with a friend or tell a friend helps everybody in the community because we think we're providing a valuable service for the community.
00:45:06.192 --> 00:45:07.259
Final thoughts, my love?
00:45:07.925 --> 00:45:10.625
Yeah, let's talk about the lessons learned.
00:45:10.625 --> 00:45:12.425
We are a university after all.
00:45:12.725 --> 00:45:19.059
(Laughing) So is speaking your truth about power or permission?
00:45:19.692 --> 00:45:21.125
Well, here's what we've learned today.
00:45:21.425 --> 00:45:22.259
It's both.
00:45:23.358 --> 00:45:30.925
It claims the power to set boundaries and it's giving yourself permission to do it without guilt.
00:45:31.625 --> 00:45:35.625
Phoebe realized that it was time to put me first.
00:45:36.792 --> 00:45:39.358
I'm tired of having- Shitty sex.
00:45:40.259 --> 00:45:42.125
I want better experiences.
00:45:43.325 --> 00:45:53.192
And it improved our dynamic as well when we both spoke up for ourselves and it's not selfish.
00:45:54.059 --> 00:46:03.659
It's sustainable because it helps your relationship to continue to grow and it helps you to have better experiences therefore it feeds itself.
00:46:04.958 --> 00:46:10.592
And that's how you stay in the lifestyle long term and actually enjoy it.
00:46:10.992 --> 00:46:14.725
If you take one thing from this episode, let it be this.
00:46:15.592 --> 00:46:19.292
The lifestyle doesn't require you to say yes to everything.
00:46:19.725 --> 00:46:22.192
It requires you to be honest.
00:46:23.492 --> 00:46:32.325
When you finally find your voice, when you stop performing and start participating on your own terms, that's when everything clicks.
00:46:33.792 --> 00:46:35.858
That's when it becomes fun again.
00:46:36.659 --> 00:46:41.292
That's when you realize you were always allowed to drive.
00:46:42.425 --> 00:46:43.958
You just had to reach for the wheel.
00:46:45.659 --> 00:46:51.525
Thanks for being here and we'll see you next week on Patreon.
