Physician Spouse Identity & Marriage: Losing Yourself in Medicine

I said it out loud for the first time in the car, and the car stopped.

We had just moved to Texas. I turned to my husband and said, "I think something's off with us." He hit the brakes right there in the middle of the road. (Adrian remembers pulling over. He did not.)

His reaction made sense. We did all the right things. We were good to each other, we liked each other, we had good kids. On paper, we were fine, and I couldn't argue with a single point.

I just knew something was missing. Somewhere underneath, I suspected the missing piece was me.

So I sat down with Adrian, my husband and a neurosurgeon, to hear his side of that day. I truly had no idea what he would say. He told me he was clueless. He thought marriage meant you get married and you like each other. When I kept circling back to it, his instinct was to look at the good and be grateful, and I heard that as "please stop bringing this up."

What I'd missed from my side of the table was how heavy it was for him. "It wasn't a little pressure," he said. "It was definitive pressure." I was working out things only I could work out, and he felt every ripple with nothing to fix.

We never argued, because we both wanted to keep the peace. Smooth water, no friction. Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife says a marriage that never pressures you to grow isn't doing its job, and Adrian's word for the alternative was "roommates." Then one evening in Miami, after a cruise with friends, I said, "I think we need help." He said yes straight away.

Here's what stays with me. When a marriage runs on roles, roles are interchangeable. A paycheck can come from somewhere else. So who is the one person who can't be replaced? I started asking that when I looked at our four daughters and realized I couldn't hand them something I didn't have myself.

I also asked Adrian what he'd say to a woman who is afraid that becoming more herself will cost her the marriage. His gut instinct was that it probably won't. I can't promise that, and neither can he. But his question for husbands is worth sitting with: what kind of marriage do you want?

If you've ever believed that losing yourself is the noble thing to do, press play and stay with this one to the end. I'd love to hear what it stirs up for you.

What You'll Learn (with Timestamps)

• [03:00 - 05:00] What Adrian noticed first, and what "something's off" sounded like from the driver's seat.
• [06:00 - 07:30] Why gratitude and wanting more can sit side by side
• [08:00 - 10:00] Why a marriage with no friction can leave you as roommate
• [12:30 - 14:30] Why roles are interchangeable, and who can't be replaced
• [16:00 - 17:00] His honest answer to the woman afraid that growing will cost her marriage
• [17:30 - 18:30] The drive in Miami when I said "I think we need help"

Resources Mentioned

• The Hidden Cost of Being the Strong One Assessment
• Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
• David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
• No More Mr. Nice Guy
• Last week's episode with Viola on living loss

Your Next Steps

• Take the free assessment: The Hidden Cost of Being the Strong One
• Schedule a complimentary consultation to see if coaching is right for you
• Learn more about coaching with me at itgetsbetternow.com
• Connect on Instagram: @supportingphysicianspouses and @kendra_itgetsbetternow
• Listen on Apple Podcasts
• Listen on Spotify