Don't Quit. Try This.

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I was talking to a client once who had so much anxiety about his new job that he was on the verge of quitting.
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And in fact, in a moment of panic, he almost did.
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His boss getting pulled into a meeting was the only thing that saved him that day.
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In a previous role, my client had been the rock star, the type of guy to ace performance reviews, guaranteed bonus, employee of the year.
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Even among his friends, he was used to coming out on top, whether it's football, basketball, however they were competing.
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But now, his new colleagues were outshining him, which makes total sense.
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They had been at the company for years, and as a new person, he had a lot to learn.
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But when you're used to being number one, it can feel frustrating or demoralizing when you stop hearing as much praise as you are used to.
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It no longer feels easy.
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We're no longer hearing great job all the time.
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And this is where external validation really trips people up.
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Instead of focusing on doing a great job because you care about contributing, you are worried about what everybody else is thinking of you.
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Am I good enough?
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Do I look incompetent?
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When things feel hard and you are not sure you're going to make it, there's a good chance you are not failing.
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You're simply holding yourself to an unreasonable standard.
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This causes a lot of suffering.
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High performers used to being the best.
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That's why they got recruited in the first place, and now they feel like the worst because they're comparing themselves to people who've been in the job for a very long time.
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One thing we work on together is slowing down and clarifying their role and expectations for who they are in this moment.
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So an unreasonable expectation would be to think I need to be as confident and knowledgeable as the CEO.
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Here's a more rational expectation.
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I aim to perform well as a new hire, and I'm capable of figuring things out.
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If you want to be effective in your new job or anything that's new for you, think about what actions you could take to help you, such as asking questions, listening, building relationships.
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When we feel insecure, we often do the opposite.
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We stay quiet, we try to figure everything out on our own.
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We wait to be hit by this big bolt of confidence, and we think that is going to relieve us of our anxiety.
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Confidence doesn't come from waiting for this confidence inspiration angel to hit us.
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It comes from participating.
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Yes, there are plenty of things that you don't know yet.
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That doesn't mean you have to stay silent.
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So focus on what's in your control here, your effort, your curiosity, how you show up.
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You don't need to know everything.
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In fact, that's why it's great to ask questions.
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Questions add a lot of value to the conversation you're having as well.
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So instead of putting so much emphasis on the value of confidence, and I need to show up with confidence today, or else I will crumble.
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Lean into the values of curiosity, of courage.
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There are other values that we can tap into here to really help us in situations where we are feeling nervous or unsure of ourselves.
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And when you're curious and open, you learn faster, you build relationships, you're more effective than if you are sitting quietly by yourself, trying to figure everything out alone.
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So if you're starting something new, whether that's taking a promotion, having a baby, scaling a mountain, and you're wondering, am I even cut out for this?
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Ask yourself, what is my role here?
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What reasonable expectations do I have right now?
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What values and thoughts can get me there?
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Again, an example of an unreasonable or unhelpful thought is I need to know everything.
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A more rational, helpful thought is, if I don't know something, I will find the answer.
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And I get it, there is a lot of discomfort that comes along with being the new person.
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I have been there myself.
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That's stuck in the mud feeling, like you are conscious of your own incompetence.
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To get you through the hard part, it can help to think about what life will be like on the other side.
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This is how I survived the bone-chilling winters in Boston when I was a carless grad student.
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I've probably talked about this before.
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I remember walking through the common at night, weather-induced tears streaming down my face, soaking into my scarf, and I would tell myself, this will be over soon.
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You will be back in your apartment, it will be warm, you will take a hot shower and thaw out and put on your pajamas.
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This will soon be over.
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You're almost home.
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You can do this.
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And I still recite mantras like this whenever I'm facing a physical or emotional challenge.
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You can do this.
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You're almost there.
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Soon this part will be over.
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So if you're struggling right now, think about life on the other side.
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Visualize how it will feel when you make it through this hard part.
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And when you keep going, you start feeling more competent.
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And this eventually leads to feeling more confident.
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Notice how far you've already come.
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We are very good at noticing when we feel like we are bad at something, less good at noticing our improvement.
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We make progress slowly and often don't realize it because the change becomes who we are.
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And because we're busy comparing ourselves to others, it's important to check your progress against yourself, not against other people.
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And this is where my clients, like the guy I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, this is where they really struggle, especially when they're in new roles.
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They can't sleep because they feel like they are failing.
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Not because they are, but because they don't know as much as Charlie in Finance, who's been at the company for 20 years.
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That is not a fair or reasonable comparison.
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So instead of worrying, why don't I know this yet?
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Try asking, what do I know now that I didn't know two weeks ago or a month ago, six months ago?
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And it's so fun for me to do these reflections with the people I work with.
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One client went from zero client presentations to leading four in a week.
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Another went from panicking at the thought of doing a routine work task to figuring out a new system that could help the entire team, and she taught it to them.
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And these aren't just wins, they're evidence that you're moving forward.
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I had a small reminder of this myself recently.
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I was at the gym 30 seconds into my chest press routine, and this guy comes up to me and asks, Are you almost done?
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Have you been here long?
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And I offer a friendly, oh, I just got here.
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I'll only be a few minutes.
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Can we share?
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He asks.
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Now, I don't mind sharing, but it doesn't make sense for the amount of time I'll be there, and maybe I need to up my gym game, but I was only gonna be there for two minutes, so I repeat, I'll literally just be two minutes.
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So he stands there and he watches me, and I find this a little weird since there are literally 100 other machines that he can use while he waits, but I don't feel rushed, I don't feel uncomfortable, I don't feel like I have to stand my ground by staying on this machine.
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I just finish my set and move on.
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And in the past, that interaction would have thrown me.
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I probably would have jumped up and offered my space to this guy.
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Oh, oh, you can take it.
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In fact, I never used to use the machines at all in the gym.
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I would hide away in the all-female body pump classes, and we would just lift lightweights to the tune of Usher, and it was super fun.
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But now I like using the machines and I feel comfortable out there because I really stopped caring what anyone else thought in that room.
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Or rather, I started practicing more rational thoughts myself, such as they don't really care about me working out and aren't paying any attention to me at all.
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So I've changed.
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You are changing too.
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You just might not notice it yet.
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When things feel hard, it's easy to assume something has gone wrong or that something's wrong with you.
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What if it just means you are in the middle of something that matters?
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And the middle is messy.
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You're probably making much more progress than you realize.
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So take a moment to reflect on how far you've come and keep going.
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That's all for now.
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I'm Sarah Michatel, and in case you didn't know, I am an American in England, and some of the things that I love to talk about are communication, global exploration, stoicism, and well being.
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So that is the mix you will find here.
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If you'd like to have a chat or find out more about me, visit SarahMichatel.com.