WEBVTT
00:00:04.799 --> 00:00:16.320
Hello, and welcome to Soul Medicine Healing Out Loud.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:25.519
I'm Angela, and this is episode seven.
00:00:33.200 --> 00:00:38.719
As we begin, place your feet flat on the floor.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:50.079
Notice the ground beneath you.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:01:05.519
And if you're seated or lounging, allow yourself to be supported.
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:20.480
Sway your head from left to right.
00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:24.640
Yes.
00:01:25.840 --> 00:01:34.079
Let's loosen up any stiffness that you're noticing.
00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:48.239
You're going to take a deep breath in through the nose for four.
00:01:49.280 --> 00:01:52.239
You'll hold for four.
00:01:53.680 --> 00:02:03.680
And then you'll release, allowing your exhale to be longer than your inhale.
00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:13.199
Let's begin in through the nose.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:26.560
Three two hold three two exhale.
00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:36.560
Simply notice.
00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:47.520
Opening your heart and your mind.
00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:53.360
We're not fixing.
00:02:54.479 --> 00:02:55.919
You're not broken.
00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:00.400
And we're not judging.
00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:06.639
Simply noticing.
00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:37.599
In this episode, I'm gonna talk a little about a pattern that I notice that I call push pull why you want love and distance at the same time.
00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:49.599
Have you ever noticed that you're completely fine on your own?
00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:57.759
You handle your life, your responsibilities, your work.
00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:07.199
You're independent, capable, and grounded.
00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:18.160
But the moment you start to care about someone, something shifts.
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:27.920
You start thinking more, you start feeling more.
00:04:29.600 --> 00:04:34.959
You start questioning things you normally wouldn't.
00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:53.920
You might even find yourself asking, why am I like this in relationships, but nowhere else in my life?
00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:19.759
If that resonates, stay with me because today we're going to talk about something I see all the time, but it isn't talked about clearly enough.
00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:32.079
Let's get one thing clear from the beginning.
00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:36.639
You are not inconsistent.
00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:45.439
You are not too much, and you are not broken.
00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:59.920
What you're experiencing is a pattern, a very intelligent, very adaptive pattern.
00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:09.759
It's your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do.
00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:20.800
And once you understand it, everything will start to make sense.
00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:31.279
I call this pattern the push-pull pattern.
00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:43.360
And clinically, I refer to it as the autonomy attachment split.
00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:49.839
Here's what that means in plain language.
00:06:54.879 --> 00:07:10.000
Part of you feels safe being independent, handling things on your own, not needing too much from anyone.
00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:57.519
So now you have two internal experiences happening at the same time.
00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:11.759
I don't need anyone, and do I even matter to you?
00:08:14.079 --> 00:08:15.759
That's the split.
00:08:21.279 --> 00:08:28.720
Let's walk through how this actually plays out in real time.
00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:44.080
It usually starts with a trigger, and the trigger doesn't have to be big.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:09:12.799
It can be as simple as a delayed text message, a shift in tone, a feel of someone pulling back slightly, or even emotional closeness itself.
00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:36.320
Then your nervous system activates, not always loudly, but internally something changes.
00:09:57.120 --> 00:10:00.720
And then comes the split.
00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:20.799
This is what we call deactivation.
00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:39.759
You might pull back emotionally, shut down, tell yourself, I don't need this, and focus on your independence.
00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:50.159
Once again, this is not a character flaw.
00:10:52.320 --> 00:11:07.200
This part is trying to protect you from disappointment, vulnerability, or feeling exposed.
00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:27.840
At the same time, or shortly thereafter, another part of you moves toward connection.
00:11:30.960 --> 00:11:34.159
This is hyperactivation.
00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:53.519
You might start overthinking, replay conversations, desire reassurance, and feel unsecure where you stand.
00:12:00.559 --> 00:12:16.080
This part is trying to protect you from disconnection, rejection, abandonment, or feeling unimportant.
00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:29.279
These are the conversations that normally happen.
00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:36.399
So now you have both happening, and at the same time, you want to move closer, but you also want to pull away.
00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:50.159
You care deeply, but you don't want to feel like you need anyone.
00:14:56.480 --> 00:14:58.399
Things are going well.
00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:05.840
Then one day, communication shifts slightly.
00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:30.720
So you pull back.
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:40.000
But another part says, wait, are they losing interest in me?
00:15:44.320 --> 00:16:01.840
So now you're checking your phone, thinking and feeling unsettled, and instead feeling grounded, feel split.
00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:20.000
Simply put your hand over your heart and nod.
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:30.480
Here's what happens next.
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.799
And this is important.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:58.080
The behavior that comes out of this split, that pulling away and then reaching out, and then pulling away again, this creates confusion in any relationship.
00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:24.880
And that confusion often leads to more distance, more anxiety, and more internal questioning, which reinforces the original pattern.
00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:39.599
Yes, this is a cycle, and cycles can be broken.
00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:47.759
So let me reframe this for you.
00:17:53.759 --> 00:17:55.920
This is not dysfunction.
00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.000
This is adaptation.
00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:28.000
At some point in your life, you learned how to stand on your own, but you may not have fully learned how to feel safe while being close to someone else.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:49.519
So your system developed two strategies: one for independence and one for connection.
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:33.519
Because the solution is not stop being independent, and it's definitely not stop needing connection.
00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:37.839
That's not even realistic.
00:19:39.119 --> 00:19:41.680
However, that's where we go.
00:19:46.319 --> 00:19:56.079
The goal is this regulation before resolution.
00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:03.680
Yes, we are back there.
00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:40.720
Before you try to fix the relationship, before you try to figure out what the other person is doing, or even making up in your mind what you think or believe the other person is doing, it's important to stabilize what's happening inside of you.
00:20:47.119 --> 00:21:02.240
Because when you're regulated, you don't overreact, you don't shut down, and you don't abandon yourself.
00:21:06.079 --> 00:21:09.359
You simply respond differently.
00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:11.039
Of what happens inside of me and acknowledge it.
00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:21.359
Yes, I see the pattern.
00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:30.960
I can stop and regulate myself.
00:22:33.440 --> 00:22:36.480
Challenge the negative thoughts.
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:47.519
Ask the necessary questions, and accept whatever answers I receive.
00:22:50.799 --> 00:23:38.400
Once again, from a regulated place, without overreacting, without shutting down, without over-explaining, without abandoning my own worth, my own values, my own being, and make a decision from clarity instead of from confusion and emotional overload.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:52.799
Stay with me.
00:23:58.559 --> 00:24:04.880
Here's something simple that you can start noticing.
00:24:09.200 --> 00:24:21.279
The next time something shifts in the relationship, ask yourself what triggered me?
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:39.519
And then ask, did I move toward distance or toward closeness?
00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:46.000
Remember, we're not judging.
00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:52.480
So no judgment, simply awareness.
00:24:56.640 --> 00:25:03.359
Because awareness is what shortens the gap.
00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:53.200
You don't have to choose between independence and intimacy.
00:25:59.359 --> 00:26:09.759
The work is learning how to hold both without losing yourself.
00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:52.079
And even with this awareness, you may still find yourself doing the same thing, desiring closeness, then pulling away, understanding the pattern, but not always changing it.
00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:06.480
That space between knowing and doing.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:11.759
Well, that's where we're going next.
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:25.119
Give yourself some grace.
00:27:38.319 --> 00:27:47.279
Take a moment to reflect on where you see this pattern in your own life.
00:27:52.480 --> 00:28:01.119
And as always, the goal it's not to eliminate reactivity.
00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:34.480
Thank you for listening.
00:00:04.799 --> 00:00:16.320
Hello, and welcome to Soul Medicine Healing Out Loud.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:25.519
I'm Angela, and this is episode seven.
00:00:33.200 --> 00:00:38.719
As we begin, place your feet flat on the floor.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:50.079
Notice the ground beneath you.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:01:05.519
And if you're seated or lounging, allow yourself to be supported.
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:20.480
Sway your head from left to right.
00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:24.640
Yes.
00:01:25.840 --> 00:01:34.079
Let's loosen up any stiffness that you're noticing.
00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:48.239
You're going to take a deep breath in through the nose for four.
00:01:49.280 --> 00:01:52.239
You'll hold for four.
00:01:53.680 --> 00:02:03.680
And then you'll release, allowing your exhale to be longer than your inhale.
00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:13.199
Let's begin in through the nose.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:26.560
Three two hold three two exhale.
00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:36.560
Simply notice.
00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:47.520
Opening your heart and your mind.
00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:53.360
We're not fixing.
00:02:54.479 --> 00:02:55.919
You're not broken.
00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:00.400
And we're not judging.
00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:06.639
Simply noticing.
00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:37.599
In this episode, I'm gonna talk a little about a pattern that I notice that I call push pull why you want love and distance at the same time.
00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:49.599
Have you ever noticed that you're completely fine on your own?
00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:57.759
You handle your life, your responsibilities, your work.
00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:07.199
You're independent, capable, and grounded.
00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:18.160
But the moment you start to care about someone, something shifts.
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:27.920
You start thinking more, you start feeling more.
00:04:29.600 --> 00:04:34.959
You start questioning things you normally wouldn't.
00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:53.920
You might even find yourself asking, why am I like this in relationships, but nowhere else in my life?
00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:19.759
If that resonates, stay with me because today we're going to talk about something I see all the time, but it isn't talked about clearly enough.
00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:32.079
Let's get one thing clear from the beginning.
00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:36.639
You are not inconsistent.
00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:45.439
You are not too much, and you are not broken.
00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:59.920
What you're experiencing is a pattern, a very intelligent, very adaptive pattern.
00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:09.759
It's your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do.
00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:20.800
And once you understand it, everything will start to make sense.
00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:31.279
I call this pattern the push-pull pattern.
00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:43.360
And clinically, I refer to it as the autonomy attachment split.
00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:49.839
Here's what that means in plain language.
00:06:54.879 --> 00:07:10.000
Part of you feels safe being independent, handling things on your own, not needing too much from anyone.
00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:57.519
So now you have two internal experiences happening at the same time.
00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:11.759
I don't need anyone, and do I even matter to you?
00:08:14.079 --> 00:08:15.759
That's the split.
00:08:21.279 --> 00:08:28.720
Let's walk through how this actually plays out in real time.
00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:44.080
It usually starts with a trigger, and the trigger doesn't have to be big.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:09:12.799
It can be as simple as a delayed text message, a shift in tone, a feel of someone pulling back slightly, or even emotional closeness itself.
00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:36.320
Then your nervous system activates, not always loudly, but internally something changes.
00:09:57.120 --> 00:10:00.720
And then comes the split.
00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:20.799
This is what we call deactivation.
00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:39.759
You might pull back emotionally, shut down, tell yourself, I don't need this, and focus on your independence.
00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:50.159
Once again, this is not a character flaw.
00:10:52.320 --> 00:11:07.200
This part is trying to protect you from disappointment, vulnerability, or feeling exposed.
00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:27.840
At the same time, or shortly thereafter, another part of you moves toward connection.
00:11:30.960 --> 00:11:34.159
This is hyperactivation.
00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:53.519
You might start overthinking, replay conversations, desire reassurance, and feel unsecure where you stand.
00:12:00.559 --> 00:12:16.080
This part is trying to protect you from disconnection, rejection, abandonment, or feeling unimportant.
00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:29.279
These are the conversations that normally happen.
00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:36.399
So now you have both happening, and at the same time, you want to move closer, but you also want to pull away.
00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:50.159
You care deeply, but you don't want to feel like you need anyone.
00:14:56.480 --> 00:14:58.399
Things are going well.
00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:05.840
Then one day, communication shifts slightly.
00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:30.720
So you pull back.
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:40.000
But another part says, wait, are they losing interest in me?
00:15:44.320 --> 00:16:01.840
So now you're checking your phone, thinking and feeling unsettled, and instead feeling grounded, feel split.
00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:20.000
Simply put your hand over your heart and nod.
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:30.480
Here's what happens next.
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.799
And this is important.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:58.080
The behavior that comes out of this split, that pulling away and then reaching out, and then pulling away again, this creates confusion in any relationship.
00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:24.880
And that confusion often leads to more distance, more anxiety, and more internal questioning, which reinforces the original pattern.
00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:39.599
Yes, this is a cycle, and cycles can be broken.
00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:47.759
So let me reframe this for you.
00:17:53.759 --> 00:17:55.920
This is not dysfunction.
00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.000
This is adaptation.
00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:28.000
At some point in your life, you learned how to stand on your own, but you may not have fully learned how to feel safe while being close to someone else.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:49.519
So your system developed two strategies: one for independence and one for connection.
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:33.519
Because the solution is not stop being independent, and it's definitely not stop needing connection.
00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:37.839
That's not even realistic.
00:19:39.119 --> 00:19:41.680
However, that's where we go.
00:19:46.319 --> 00:19:56.079
The goal is this regulation before resolution.
00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:03.680
Yes, we are back there.
00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:40.720
Before you try to fix the relationship, before you try to figure out what the other person is doing, or even making up in your mind what you think or believe the other person is doing, it's important to stabilize what's happening inside of you.
00:20:47.119 --> 00:21:02.240
Because when you're regulated, you don't overreact, you don't shut down, and you don't abandon yourself.
00:21:06.079 --> 00:21:09.359
You simply respond differently.
00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:11.039
Of what happens inside of me and acknowledge it.
00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:21.359
Yes, I see the pattern.
00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:30.960
I can stop and regulate myself.
00:22:33.440 --> 00:22:36.480
Challenge the negative thoughts.
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:47.519
Ask the necessary questions, and accept whatever answers I receive.
00:22:50.799 --> 00:23:38.400
Once again, from a regulated place, without overreacting, without shutting down, without over-explaining, without abandoning my own worth, my own values, my own being, and make a decision from clarity instead of from confusion and emotional overload.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:52.799
Stay with me.
00:23:58.559 --> 00:24:04.880
Here's something simple that you can start noticing.
00:24:09.200 --> 00:24:21.279
The next time something shifts in the relationship, ask yourself what triggered me?
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:39.519
And then ask, did I move toward distance or toward closeness?
00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:46.000
Remember, we're not judging.
00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:52.480
So no judgment, simply awareness.
00:24:56.640 --> 00:25:03.359
Because awareness is what shortens the gap.
00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:53.200
You don't have to choose between independence and intimacy.
00:25:59.359 --> 00:26:09.759
The work is learning how to hold both without losing yourself.
00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:52.079
And even with this awareness, you may still find yourself doing the same thing, desiring closeness, then pulling away, understanding the pattern, but not always changing it.
00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:06.480
That space between knowing and doing.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:11.759
Well, that's where we're going next.
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:25.119
Give yourself some grace.
00:27:38.319 --> 00:27:47.279
Take a moment to reflect on where you see this pattern in your own life.
00:27:52.480 --> 00:28:01.119
And as always, the goal it's not to eliminate reactivity.
00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:34.480
Thank you for listening.
