WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.479
His eyes welled up.
00:00:03.839 --> 00:00:09.199
I felt it in my chest before I could feel it in my head.
00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:11.919
He took a breath.
00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:17.760
The kind that just doesn't quite work.
00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:26.079
A few seconds later, he stood up and he left the room.
00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:42.240
I said something I didn't plan to say.
00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:52.159
Meeting that wasn't really supposed to be heavy with a man I respected.
00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:57.439
A man going through something quiet.
00:00:59.119 --> 00:01:03.039
But then I noticed something about him.
00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:05.920
And I said it.
00:01:07.439 --> 00:01:11.040
And I can't tell you why I said it.
00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:14.319
The words were just there.
00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:18.640
And I let them out.
00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:25.359
The standard arrived before I did.
00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:34.959
And sometimes the truth comes out before you decide to tell it.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:46.400
Then I watched it land and you can s I see it.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:49.680
His eyes begin to well.
00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:56.079
And that his voice just broke.
00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:03.840
And in that moment I felt that that pull.
00:02:04.480 --> 00:02:05.599
I don't know.
00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:11.599
To hug him or probably to apologize too.
00:02:11.919 --> 00:02:14.719
And to take back what I said.
00:02:16.879 --> 00:02:22.319
And to say it I didn't mean it that hard.
00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:25.680
That pull was real.
00:02:27.039 --> 00:02:29.360
It wasn't just a thought.
00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:32.479
I I felt it in my body.
00:02:34.479 --> 00:02:40.159
And then what came out of my mouth really was just it's okay.
00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:46.159
Not the apology, just softening.
00:02:48.080 --> 00:02:51.599
And then I just stopped talking.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:57.120
I stayed and didn't say anything else.
00:02:59.199 --> 00:03:03.759
I held the line, but not cleanly.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:12.960
Most leaders don't fully rescue, and they don't just fully hold either.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:15.120
They do both.
00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:20.159
He then stood up.
00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:22.800
He left the room.
00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:26.800
He clearly needed a minute.
00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:30.560
And I just sat there.
00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:34.319
What I noticed wasn't relief.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:38.719
It wasn't satisfaction.
00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:49.120
It was the temptation to use this gap to plan a softer version of the conversation.
00:03:50.479 --> 00:03:55.680
To rehearse a way to take the edge off when he came back.
00:03:58.319 --> 00:03:59.840
I didn't do that.
00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:01.680
I just sat.
00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:10.319
The hardest part was holding the silence afterwards.
00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:19.920
He came back in the room, and the temperature was different.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:27.279
Both of us were quieter, started to speak.
00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:32.800
And the first thing I did was empathy.
00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:38.480
I thought about how difficult it must be for him.
00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:43.920
I kind of tried to meet him in his heaviness.
00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:49.040
Then I pivoted forward.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:54.319
Now is the time to focus on what you want.
00:04:56.399 --> 00:04:58.639
That was a generous statement.
00:05:00.639 --> 00:05:08.079
It was also different sentence than the one I said just five minutes earlier.
00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:16.959
I went from holding to helping, and I didn't even notice the change in gear.
00:05:18.800 --> 00:05:22.399
Empathy can be the place of hard truth.
00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:25.439
Quietly getting negotiated.
00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:30.000
That evening he texted me.
00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:33.519
He thanked me for that meeting.
00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:38.879
And he said I had hit a nail on the head.
00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:46.720
And he cracked a joke.
00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:51.759
He said I had a future as a therapist.
00:05:52.560 --> 00:05:55.199
And he meant that warmly.
00:05:56.480 --> 00:06:03.759
And I read it, I felt it, and I wrote back.
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:12.560
And I I told him what he was doing, looking back instead of looking forward.
00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:19.680
I told him that it was normal, given what happened to him.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:31.600
And I offered to sit down with him properly, to figure it out, to build everything around what he actually wanted.
00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:36.079
And that's where it starts to click.
00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:38.480
That was the line.
00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:43.040
In the moment, I had held the standard.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:48.079
And in that message, I took on the project.
00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:58.399
The hours after A Hard Truth, where the truth either lives or quietly gets redone.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:05.439
And that message did something I didn't see at the time.
00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:16.560
He named me the truth teller, the therapist, the one who said the thing.
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:24.160
And in my reply, I accepted that role.
00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:34.079
We'll sit down, we'll figure it out, and we'll build around what you want.
00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:42.480
Each of those is generous, and each of those is a contract.
00:07:44.399 --> 00:07:48.879
And now he messages me when he needs the truth.
00:07:49.519 --> 00:07:50.720
And I answer.
00:07:51.680 --> 00:07:55.600
Every time he does, the contract renews.
00:07:57.120 --> 00:08:06.560
The cost of holding the line in those three seconds is I now have to hold the line for him ongoing.
00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:09.360
And I get something for that.
00:08:10.160 --> 00:08:14.959
There's something quiet in being the one who tells him.
00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:17.839
I don't pretend I don't.
00:08:19.680 --> 00:08:26.560
Governance under pressure is not what happens in those three seconds.
00:08:27.199 --> 00:08:29.680
The three seconds are just the flag.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:35.360
What you do in the three hours after is whether you actually held.
00:08:36.960 --> 00:08:39.120
The standard held in the room.
00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:43.279
The standard got renegotiated by text.
00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:45.360
Both are true.
00:08:46.559 --> 00:08:49.679
And most leaders never see the second part.
00:08:52.080 --> 00:09:01.120
The version of you that didn't apologize is not the same as the version of you that didn't take it on.
00:09:03.360 --> 00:09:05.759
That meeting still sits with me.
00:09:07.200 --> 00:09:13.840
Not because of what I said, but because of what I sent afterwards.
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:18.080
The line I held in the room was clean.
00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:25.519
The line I quietly took on by text is the one I'm still carrying.
00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:30.080
What are you still carrying for someone?
00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:36.879
Because when they broke out in front of you, you needed to be the one who could hold it.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.479
His eyes welled up.
00:00:03.839 --> 00:00:09.199
I felt it in my chest before I could feel it in my head.
00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:11.919
He took a breath.
00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:17.760
The kind that just doesn't quite work.
00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:26.079
A few seconds later, he stood up and he left the room.
00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:42.240
I said something I didn't plan to say.
00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:52.159
Meeting that wasn't really supposed to be heavy with a man I respected.
00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:57.439
A man going through something quiet.
00:00:59.119 --> 00:01:03.039
But then I noticed something about him.
00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:05.920
And I said it.
00:01:07.439 --> 00:01:11.040
And I can't tell you why I said it.
00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:14.319
The words were just there.
00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:18.640
And I let them out.
00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:25.359
The standard arrived before I did.
00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:34.959
And sometimes the truth comes out before you decide to tell it.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:46.400
Then I watched it land and you can s I see it.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:49.680
His eyes begin to well.
00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:56.079
And that his voice just broke.
00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:03.840
And in that moment I felt that that pull.
00:02:04.480 --> 00:02:05.599
I don't know.
00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:11.599
To hug him or probably to apologize too.
00:02:11.919 --> 00:02:14.719
And to take back what I said.
00:02:16.879 --> 00:02:22.319
And to say it I didn't mean it that hard.
00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:25.680
That pull was real.
00:02:27.039 --> 00:02:29.360
It wasn't just a thought.
00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:32.479
I I felt it in my body.
00:02:34.479 --> 00:02:40.159
And then what came out of my mouth really was just it's okay.
00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:46.159
Not the apology, just softening.
00:02:48.080 --> 00:02:51.599
And then I just stopped talking.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:57.120
I stayed and didn't say anything else.
00:02:59.199 --> 00:03:03.759
I held the line, but not cleanly.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:12.960
Most leaders don't fully rescue, and they don't just fully hold either.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:15.120
They do both.
00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:20.159
He then stood up.
00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:22.800
He left the room.
00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:26.800
He clearly needed a minute.
00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:30.560
And I just sat there.
00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:34.319
What I noticed wasn't relief.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:38.719
It wasn't satisfaction.
00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:49.120
It was the temptation to use this gap to plan a softer version of the conversation.
00:03:50.479 --> 00:03:55.680
To rehearse a way to take the edge off when he came back.
00:03:58.319 --> 00:03:59.840
I didn't do that.
00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:01.680
I just sat.
00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:10.319
The hardest part was holding the silence afterwards.
00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:19.920
He came back in the room, and the temperature was different.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:27.279
Both of us were quieter, started to speak.
00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:32.800
And the first thing I did was empathy.
00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:38.480
I thought about how difficult it must be for him.
00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:43.920
I kind of tried to meet him in his heaviness.
00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:49.040
Then I pivoted forward.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:54.319
Now is the time to focus on what you want.
00:04:56.399 --> 00:04:58.639
That was a generous statement.
00:05:00.639 --> 00:05:08.079
It was also different sentence than the one I said just five minutes earlier.
00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:16.959
I went from holding to helping, and I didn't even notice the change in gear.
00:05:18.800 --> 00:05:22.399
Empathy can be the place of hard truth.
00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:25.439
Quietly getting negotiated.
00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:30.000
That evening he texted me.
00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:33.519
He thanked me for that meeting.
00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:38.879
And he said I had hit a nail on the head.
00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:46.720
And he cracked a joke.
00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:51.759
He said I had a future as a therapist.
00:05:52.560 --> 00:05:55.199
And he meant that warmly.
00:05:56.480 --> 00:06:03.759
And I read it, I felt it, and I wrote back.
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:12.560
And I I told him what he was doing, looking back instead of looking forward.
00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:19.680
I told him that it was normal, given what happened to him.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:31.600
And I offered to sit down with him properly, to figure it out, to build everything around what he actually wanted.
00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:36.079
And that's where it starts to click.
00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:38.480
That was the line.
00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:43.040
In the moment, I had held the standard.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:48.079
And in that message, I took on the project.
00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:58.399
The hours after A Hard Truth, where the truth either lives or quietly gets redone.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:05.439
And that message did something I didn't see at the time.
00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:16.560
He named me the truth teller, the therapist, the one who said the thing.
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:24.160
And in my reply, I accepted that role.
00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:34.079
We'll sit down, we'll figure it out, and we'll build around what you want.
00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:42.480
Each of those is generous, and each of those is a contract.
00:07:44.399 --> 00:07:48.879
And now he messages me when he needs the truth.
00:07:49.519 --> 00:07:50.720
And I answer.
00:07:51.680 --> 00:07:55.600
Every time he does, the contract renews.
00:07:57.120 --> 00:08:06.560
The cost of holding the line in those three seconds is I now have to hold the line for him ongoing.
00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:09.360
And I get something for that.
00:08:10.160 --> 00:08:14.959
There's something quiet in being the one who tells him.
00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:17.839
I don't pretend I don't.
00:08:19.680 --> 00:08:26.560
Governance under pressure is not what happens in those three seconds.
00:08:27.199 --> 00:08:29.680
The three seconds are just the flag.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:35.360
What you do in the three hours after is whether you actually held.
00:08:36.960 --> 00:08:39.120
The standard held in the room.
00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:43.279
The standard got renegotiated by text.
00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:45.360
Both are true.
00:08:46.559 --> 00:08:49.679
And most leaders never see the second part.
00:08:52.080 --> 00:09:01.120
The version of you that didn't apologize is not the same as the version of you that didn't take it on.
00:09:03.360 --> 00:09:05.759
That meeting still sits with me.
00:09:07.200 --> 00:09:13.840
Not because of what I said, but because of what I sent afterwards.
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:18.080
The line I held in the room was clean.
00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:25.519
The line I quietly took on by text is the one I'm still carrying.
00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:30.080
What are you still carrying for someone?
00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:36.879
Because when they broke out in front of you, you needed to be the one who could hold it.
