WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:06.000
Support for the following podcast is provided
by the user experience specialists at Johnson Taylor.
2
00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:13.119
More information follows this episode. What
if you get so good at hiding
3
00:00:13.160 --> 00:00:19.079
your feelings you end up hiding yourself. I'm Joe Taylor Tayor. This is
4
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:33.439
Search and Replace. When tragedy struck
Cindy Burns and her family, she stepped
5
00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:37.439
up to take care of everyone,
but she wasn't prepared for what would happen
6
00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:41.479
next. It was about five or
six years after my husband died. In
7
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:47.200
the intermaning time, my sons needed
me physically to be there and you know,
8
00:00:47.320 --> 00:00:51.119
help them out with some medical issues
that they were having and things like
9
00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:59.600
that. So everybody got healthy.
I retired. I had no reason to
10
00:00:59.640 --> 00:01:03.159
begin out of bed in the morning. It was a dark, dark place
11
00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:07.439
I went to. It's not a
lot of fun being there, no reason
12
00:01:07.480 --> 00:01:11.560
to get out of bed in the
morning. So most days I was in
13
00:01:11.560 --> 00:01:15.879
my nightgown all day. And I
didn't really I didn't want to burden my
14
00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:19.159
sons. I didn't want them to
worry about me. All moms, you
15
00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:23.280
know, she's really depressed. What
are we going to do? I didn't
16
00:01:23.319 --> 00:01:26.120
want that. I ended up with
a bleeding ulcer because I hid my feelings.
17
00:01:26.599 --> 00:01:30.159
People thought I had it all together, you know, even while I
18
00:01:30.280 --> 00:01:34.760
was searching. Oh she's so strong. I heard that so much. You're
19
00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:42.280
so strong. Yeah, you do
become strong because you have to. Life
20
00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:46.799
still goes on. Cindy noticed that
everyone else seemed to be moving on around
21
00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:49.879
her, even as she felt stuck
in the same place, and that brought
22
00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:56.400
her to a crucial realization. It
was close to a year maybe, and
23
00:01:57.480 --> 00:02:04.439
I wasn't sad. I just didn't
care because there was nothing to care about.
24
00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:08.639
I finally realized that that's not living, and I could live another twenty
25
00:02:08.759 --> 00:02:13.639
thirty, maybe even forty years,
and I didn't want the rest of my
26
00:02:13.719 --> 00:02:16.599
life to look like what it was
at that point. So I decided I
27
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:21.840
needed to do something about it,
and I talked to my doctor and I
28
00:02:21.879 --> 00:02:25.000
got on medications, and I was
very lucky that the first medications I was
29
00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:30.000
put on worked. That does not
always happen. Sometimes you have to keep
30
00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:36.680
trying different ones to find the right
combination for you. I spent so much
31
00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:40.479
time being negative, and it was
tired of that. So I worked really
32
00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:46.039
hard in bringing positivity into my life. I kept a gratitude journal. I
33
00:02:46.120 --> 00:02:50.960
kept a prayer journal. I surrounded
myself by people who were positive. If
34
00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.240
I was, you know, like
Facebook friends with somebody, and all they
35
00:02:53.280 --> 00:02:59.759
did was drama. Sorry, I
unfollowed them drama, I said, I
36
00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:02.719
don't do drama unless it's on a
stage. Sonny says that getting rid of
37
00:03:02.759 --> 00:03:07.840
the drama in her life opened her
up to a new focus. I used
38
00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:13.919
to call myself an optimistic pessimist,
and now I'm definitely an optimist. You
39
00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:17.680
know, the pessimism just doesn't there's
why, you know, why look at
40
00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:23.919
the negative when there's so many positives
floating around. But then I figure,
41
00:03:23.960 --> 00:03:27.520
Okay, I need a purpose.
I need a reason to get out of
42
00:03:27.560 --> 00:03:30.680
bed in the morning. So I
tried a bunch of different things. I
43
00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:37.840
tried all kinds of things that weren't
really true to me. And it wasn't
44
00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:44.039
until I realized that what I really
really wanted to do, keep in my
45
00:03:44.120 --> 00:03:47.919
heart, was to help other widows. It makes me happy to see somebody
46
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:53.960
come out the other side of grief. It makes me feel good to know
47
00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:59.319
that I'm helping them. It makes
me happy, you know, it fills
48
00:03:59.360 --> 00:04:03.000
my soul. Cindy says her approach
to working through grief isn't about blocking out
49
00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:06.080
the memories of the people that you
love. It's not that I don't miss
50
00:04:06.080 --> 00:04:10.639
my husband. Of course I do. And both my parents are gone now
51
00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:14.719
and I miss them terribly. And
there are times when I think, oh,
52
00:04:14.759 --> 00:04:17.079
I've got to you know, I
actually reach for my phone to call
53
00:04:17.160 --> 00:04:21.079
one of them. And my husband's
been dead almost thirteen years, and my
54
00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:26.560
mother's been gone ten years. And
in the past that would make me sad
55
00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:30.959
and bring me down, but now
it's like, I think of the good
56
00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:34.720
memories that I have of them.
For the most part, I've learned who
57
00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:41.839
I am Now, I'm different.
You know, you're forever changed. And
58
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:46.279
once you know who you are and
like who you are, that's a huge
59
00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:51.160
step. After that, you can
learn to dream again. And once you
60
00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:57.399
can dream again, once you can
envision a future for yourself, you can
61
00:04:57.480 --> 00:05:00.319
actually reach for that future. You
can find your p Those are my four
62
00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:05.360
steps. Feel your feelings, find
yourself, dream again, and find your
63
00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:10.839
purpose. Those That sounds simple,
and it is, but it's not easy.
64
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:15.040
Sidney reminds us that grief comes for
us in lots of different ways.
65
00:05:15.160 --> 00:05:19.040
Grief is not just for widows and
widowers. You grieve the loss of a
66
00:05:19.120 --> 00:05:24.120
dog, you grieve the loss of
a job, the loss of a friendship.
67
00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:30.120
You can grief somebody while they're still
alive. There's so much grief out
68
00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:33.360
there and people don't It's I call
it hidden grief. People don't know that
69
00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:42.279
what they're feeling, it's a whole
constellation of emotions and they don't realize that
70
00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:47.839
what they're experiencing is actually grief,
and that's what's keeping them from moving forward
71
00:05:48.199 --> 00:05:55.439
in their lives. It's what's keeping
them stagnant and maybe even you know,
72
00:05:56.360 --> 00:06:00.480
putting them back a little bit.
And once you deal with grief, once
73
00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:05.199
you manage it, it's there for
a reason. Grief is good for us.
74
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:09.079
Believe it or not, it is
good for us. It helps us
75
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:15.920
get these feelings and emotions taken care
of. Once you do that, then
76
00:06:15.959 --> 00:06:20.680
you can open yourself up to what
life really has to offer. That's Cindy
77
00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:26.800
Burns a life coach for the widowed
and for people experiencing any kind of grief.
78
00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:30.439
We've got links to Cindy and her
work in our show notes and on
79
00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:34.240
our website at Search and Replace dot
Show. Also in our show notes Hope.
80
00:06:34.279 --> 00:06:40.439
Gillette writes about nine distinct types of
grief, including one kind that happens
81
00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:46.040
even before you've experienced a loss in
your life, and Natalie Amato writes about
82
00:06:46.040 --> 00:06:49.639
an experience similar to Cindy's and a
renewed sense of purpose that can happen when
83
00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:55.639
you channel grief into a new capacity
for connection. All that and more in
84
00:06:55.759 --> 00:07:00.480
our show notes and at Search and
Replace dot show. Today's episode was produced
85
00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.680
by Nicole Hubbard with help from the
entire podcast Taxi team. I'm Joe Taylor
86
00:07:03.759 --> 00:07:10.800
Jr. This has been a podcast
Taxi Radio production support for Search and Replace
87
00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:16.519
is provided by Johnson Taylor User Experience
specialists serving media and technology companies that want
88
00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:23.720
their websites to work. Learn more
about how top performing businesses eliminate barriers between
89
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:30.800
customers and their goals at www dot
Make the website work for me dot com.
1
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:06.000
Support for the following podcast is provided
by the user experience specialists at Johnson Taylor.
2
00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:13.119
More information follows this episode. What
if you get so good at hiding
3
00:00:13.160 --> 00:00:19.079
your feelings you end up hiding yourself. I'm Joe Taylor Tayor. This is
4
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:33.439
Search and Replace. When tragedy struck
Cindy Burns and her family, she stepped
5
00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:37.439
up to take care of everyone,
but she wasn't prepared for what would happen
6
00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:41.479
next. It was about five or
six years after my husband died. In
7
00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:47.200
the intermaning time, my sons needed
me physically to be there and you know,
8
00:00:47.320 --> 00:00:51.119
help them out with some medical issues
that they were having and things like
9
00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:59.600
that. So everybody got healthy.
I retired. I had no reason to
10
00:00:59.640 --> 00:01:03.159
begin out of bed in the morning. It was a dark, dark place
11
00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:07.439
I went to. It's not a
lot of fun being there, no reason
12
00:01:07.480 --> 00:01:11.560
to get out of bed in the
morning. So most days I was in
13
00:01:11.560 --> 00:01:15.879
my nightgown all day. And I
didn't really I didn't want to burden my
14
00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:19.159
sons. I didn't want them to
worry about me. All moms, you
15
00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:23.280
know, she's really depressed. What
are we going to do? I didn't
16
00:01:23.319 --> 00:01:26.120
want that. I ended up with
a bleeding ulcer because I hid my feelings.
17
00:01:26.599 --> 00:01:30.159
People thought I had it all together, you know, even while I
18
00:01:30.280 --> 00:01:34.760
was searching. Oh she's so strong. I heard that so much. You're
19
00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:42.280
so strong. Yeah, you do
become strong because you have to. Life
20
00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:46.799
still goes on. Cindy noticed that
everyone else seemed to be moving on around
21
00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:49.879
her, even as she felt stuck
in the same place, and that brought
22
00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:56.400
her to a crucial realization. It
was close to a year maybe, and
23
00:01:57.480 --> 00:02:04.439
I wasn't sad. I just didn't
care because there was nothing to care about.
24
00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:08.639
I finally realized that that's not living, and I could live another twenty
25
00:02:08.759 --> 00:02:13.639
thirty, maybe even forty years,
and I didn't want the rest of my
26
00:02:13.719 --> 00:02:16.599
life to look like what it was
at that point. So I decided I
27
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:21.840
needed to do something about it,
and I talked to my doctor and I
28
00:02:21.879 --> 00:02:25.000
got on medications, and I was
very lucky that the first medications I was
29
00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:30.000
put on worked. That does not
always happen. Sometimes you have to keep
30
00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:36.680
trying different ones to find the right
combination for you. I spent so much
31
00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:40.479
time being negative, and it was
tired of that. So I worked really
32
00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:46.039
hard in bringing positivity into my life. I kept a gratitude journal. I
33
00:02:46.120 --> 00:02:50.960
kept a prayer journal. I surrounded
myself by people who were positive. If
34
00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.240
I was, you know, like
Facebook friends with somebody, and all they
35
00:02:53.280 --> 00:02:59.759
did was drama. Sorry, I
unfollowed them drama, I said, I
36
00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:02.719
don't do drama unless it's on a
stage. Sonny says that getting rid of
37
00:03:02.759 --> 00:03:07.840
the drama in her life opened her
up to a new focus. I used
38
00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:13.919
to call myself an optimistic pessimist,
and now I'm definitely an optimist. You
39
00:03:13.960 --> 00:03:17.680
know, the pessimism just doesn't there's
why, you know, why look at
40
00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:23.919
the negative when there's so many positives
floating around. But then I figure,
41
00:03:23.960 --> 00:03:27.520
Okay, I need a purpose.
I need a reason to get out of
42
00:03:27.560 --> 00:03:30.680
bed in the morning. So I
tried a bunch of different things. I
43
00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:37.840
tried all kinds of things that weren't
really true to me. And it wasn't
44
00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:44.039
until I realized that what I really
really wanted to do, keep in my
45
00:03:44.120 --> 00:03:47.919
heart, was to help other widows. It makes me happy to see somebody
46
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:53.960
come out the other side of grief. It makes me feel good to know
47
00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:59.319
that I'm helping them. It makes
me happy, you know, it fills
48
00:03:59.360 --> 00:04:03.000
my soul. Cindy says her approach
to working through grief isn't about blocking out
49
00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:06.080
the memories of the people that you
love. It's not that I don't miss
50
00:04:06.080 --> 00:04:10.639
my husband. Of course I do. And both my parents are gone now
51
00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:14.719
and I miss them terribly. And
there are times when I think, oh,
52
00:04:14.759 --> 00:04:17.079
I've got to you know, I
actually reach for my phone to call
53
00:04:17.160 --> 00:04:21.079
one of them. And my husband's
been dead almost thirteen years, and my
54
00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:26.560
mother's been gone ten years. And
in the past that would make me sad
55
00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:30.959
and bring me down, but now
it's like, I think of the good
56
00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:34.720
memories that I have of them.
For the most part, I've learned who
57
00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:41.839
I am Now, I'm different.
You know, you're forever changed. And
58
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:46.279
once you know who you are and
like who you are, that's a huge
59
00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:51.160
step. After that, you can
learn to dream again. And once you
60
00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:57.399
can dream again, once you can
envision a future for yourself, you can
61
00:04:57.480 --> 00:05:00.319
actually reach for that future. You
can find your p Those are my four
62
00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:05.360
steps. Feel your feelings, find
yourself, dream again, and find your
63
00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:10.839
purpose. Those That sounds simple,
and it is, but it's not easy.
64
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:15.040
Sidney reminds us that grief comes for
us in lots of different ways.
65
00:05:15.160 --> 00:05:19.040
Grief is not just for widows and
widowers. You grieve the loss of a
66
00:05:19.120 --> 00:05:24.120
dog, you grieve the loss of
a job, the loss of a friendship.
67
00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:30.120
You can grief somebody while they're still
alive. There's so much grief out
68
00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:33.360
there and people don't It's I call
it hidden grief. People don't know that
69
00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:42.279
what they're feeling, it's a whole
constellation of emotions and they don't realize that
70
00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:47.839
what they're experiencing is actually grief,
and that's what's keeping them from moving forward
71
00:05:48.199 --> 00:05:55.439
in their lives. It's what's keeping
them stagnant and maybe even you know,
72
00:05:56.360 --> 00:06:00.480
putting them back a little bit.
And once you deal with grief, once
73
00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:05.199
you manage it, it's there for
a reason. Grief is good for us.
74
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:09.079
Believe it or not, it is
good for us. It helps us
75
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:15.920
get these feelings and emotions taken care
of. Once you do that, then
76
00:06:15.959 --> 00:06:20.680
you can open yourself up to what
life really has to offer. That's Cindy
77
00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:26.800
Burns a life coach for the widowed
and for people experiencing any kind of grief.
78
00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:30.439
We've got links to Cindy and her
work in our show notes and on
79
00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:34.240
our website at Search and Replace dot
Show. Also in our show notes Hope.
80
00:06:34.279 --> 00:06:40.439
Gillette writes about nine distinct types of
grief, including one kind that happens
81
00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:46.040
even before you've experienced a loss in
your life, and Natalie Amato writes about
82
00:06:46.040 --> 00:06:49.639
an experience similar to Cindy's and a
renewed sense of purpose that can happen when
83
00:06:49.680 --> 00:06:55.639
you channel grief into a new capacity
for connection. All that and more in
84
00:06:55.759 --> 00:07:00.480
our show notes and at Search and
Replace dot show. Today's episode was produced
85
00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.680
by Nicole Hubbard with help from the
entire podcast Taxi team. I'm Joe Taylor
86
00:07:03.759 --> 00:07:10.800
Jr. This has been a podcast
Taxi Radio production support for Search and Replace
87
00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:16.519
is provided by Johnson Taylor User Experience
specialists serving media and technology companies that want
88
00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:23.720
their websites to work. Learn more
about how top performing businesses eliminate barriers between
89
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:30.800
customers and their goals at www dot
Make the website work for me dot com.
