WEBVTT
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Gain, oh, sorry, I was disturbed a bit.
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Encourage you to listen with an open heart.
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You may discover whether you are in your healing journey or perhaps gain a deeper understanding of someone else's.
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Before I hand over to the beautiful and powerful host, I would love to share a short blip from my latest book that talks about grief.
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The chapter is The Wake Up Pain.
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The day a home affairs official handed me my mother's death certificate was the day my life truly began to change.
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It took only a few minutes for the process to be completed.
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And just like that, she was officially recorded as deceased, no longer part of the society.
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The end of her journey was reduced to a piece of paper and a few taps on a computer keyboard.
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In that moment, everything I had known no longer existed.
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And I realized that the life I knew, I knew no more.
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My mother was a strong woman, a hustler, grounded and resilient.
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Her life was shaken in many ways, yet she stood firm through it all.
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She had been unwell for several years, and I watched her health deteriorate slowly over the years, months, weeks, and finally days.
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I walked that journey with her and supported her in every way I could.
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Her last conversations and diary and entries were a painful reflection on the people in her life.
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An honest assessment of who showed up and who did not.
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I witnessed something similar with a close friend later that I lost.
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Our final conversations were also about disappointment, about people who let her down, those who those are heavy conversations.
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They cut deep and they stay with you.
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We tried everything: clinical trials, specialists, hospitals after hospital.
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We search endlessly for answers, holding on to hope that the treatment will appear.
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It took toll on her and it took a toll on us.
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I will stop there.
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Having said that, I also want to share an exercise with you.
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What pain have you been trying to silence instead of heal?
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What will happen if instead of running from it, you sit with it long enough to understand what it has been trying to teach you?
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Healing begins the moment you stop fighting our story and start listening to it with compassion.
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As you listen to today's discussion, I invite you to carry that reflection with you.
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Thank you once again, ladies and gentlemen, kings and queens, for invitation and for allowing me this moment to share about my life and to also share about my experience of loss.
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It doesn't stop there.
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I have lost to marriage, marriage to divorce.
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I have lost myself.
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I have lost a sense of direction.
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And through all those losses, I had to grieve.
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Thank you.
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And may this evening be the one of healing, hope, and transformation.
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Thank you so much for this platform.
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Thank you so much.
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Oh thank you.
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Sorry, sorry.
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Thank you so much, Valerie.
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I just wanted to say a few words.
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Thank you for sharing your story.
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I did little digging from my end, and that the digging that I found, uh rather the session that I did was in your name.
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Valerie actually means strong, brave.
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So we are talking about courage here, steadfastness.
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So thank you so much for gracing us with your present this evening.
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And Rose, Pastor Roses, please do take us away with a song before you come to your presentation.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you so much.
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I I wanted to just go in after that beautiful presentation.
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If you are new here, I wanted to show my face so you don't think there's AI behind this whole initiative.
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As we know, it is taking over.
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Welcome to um Live After Last Session.
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Yes, my sister, I'm real.
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I'm real.
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I can switch it off now, right?
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Because I have little humans that are going to run around.
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Thank you to my co-host, Mr.
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Makovani.
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Thank you for your assistance.
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Thank you, Sister Glenda, for joining us.
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Thank you for opening with prayer.
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I appreciate each and every one of you who have joined this evening.
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I just want to start off with the question that Coach Valerie gave us.
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Which grief stage are you on?
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You know, today I would like the walkway to be for you to understand grief from both a biblical and a practical perspective.
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And I'd like you to understand where you currently are.
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Whether you've started the healing journey, whether you are in the middle of it, whether you've sidetracked.
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But most importantly, I want you to discover God's heart for restoration and leave here with the hope and the trust and the belief that healing is possible.
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I would not be doing any justice to the word of God.
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I would not be doing any justice to my own testimony if I didn't ensure that you walk away with a bit of hope that you may not be okay right now, but you will be one day.
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So whether this is your first session or you've been with us since the beginning, healing begins with showing up, and you showed up today.
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You showed up for yourself, you showed up for your family, you showed up for your loved ones, because change is contagious.
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So tonight is not just about loss, it's about understanding what loss does to us.
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Because a lot of people ask themselves, why am I still hurting?
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Why am I still crying?
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Why did one phone call trigger me?
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You know, when we think about the story that's trending right now, which is the late Annela Temba and aka, the story of her passing, some people may have thought, you know, if if you are the parent or the friend, you you may have somewhat put it to bed.
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You may you may have told yourself, you know what, I'm I'm beginning to heal from this.
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And then now the story is coming into light, and who said what and when.
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And don't we think this is triggering to people who are on the journey of healing?
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And that happens.
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That happens where you ask yourself, why do I feel guilty for laughing?
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You know, you find something amusing, you find something that is entertaining, and as you're laughing, you you you start to reduce that smile because you are feeling guilty for laughing.
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And the answer is is sometimes you failed at grieving.
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That's what you tell yourself.
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And I want you to know that you haven't failed in grieving.
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The grief isn't something, grieving isn't something we get over, it is something we learn to walk through.
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That is why we say it's a journey.
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I lost my husband, and one phone call changed my life forever.
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One day I'm a wife, and the next day I'm a widow.
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No one prepares you for that.
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No one prepares you emotionally, spiritually, financially, or even as a mother.
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But nobody actually teaches you how to be strong.
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You know, I didn't know how to process this pain, and I'm sure some of you are sitting with that right now.
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So I did what people who are hurt normally do.
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You know, I try to numb the pain, I tried to avoid it, I tried to pretend it's not there, but then God slowly began to restore me.
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And one of the first things that I tried was therapy, and I tried gym as well.
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You know, lifting those weights for me became a place where I released the emotions I didn't want to talk about.
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And then years later, there I am thinking Rosikisterin.
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Last year I lost my brother in a similar manner, and something just that big triggered me and took me back to what had happened to my husband.
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So sometimes one loss awakens another.
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You've heard of people saying, I lost my parents in a space of three years.
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You can imagine in the three years of trying to heal, in the three years, you manage to laugh again, in the three years you could hold conversations about the person who's no more and laugh about them and laugh about the things they would be laughing at.
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And then another tragedy hits you.
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What happens now?
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Are you back to square one?
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I don't want to tell you to move on.
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No.
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Today I want to help you understand where you are.
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Because once you understand grief, your grief, then healing becomes possible.
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I know Coach Valerie will contest to the fact that you cannot heal what you haven't identified.
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So that is what we're going to do this evening.
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If you look at the dictionary meaning of grief, it will tell you all sorts of things.
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But for the purpose of today's session, I want you to know what grief is not, and it's not a weakness.
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Someone is sitting out there and feeling weak.
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Grief is this emotional response to losing something, someone that is meaningful.
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And grief is not only about death.
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We've spoken about in the first session, where you can grieve divorce, you can grieve friendships, you can grieve a job, you can grieve your financial status situation, you can grieve your health.
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Going into retirement can mean grieving the life that you once lived.
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You know, I've seen my grandmother retire and she didn't know what to do with herself because her routine is no longer there.
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She used to wake up and go to work and do this and do that, and now she doesn't know what to do with herself.
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You can grieve moving cities.
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You know, loss of identity, loss of trust.
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You may still be in a relationship, but there's loss of trust in the workplace, friendships, family, loss of innocence, and for some loss of purpose.
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I'm sure you've looked in the mirror and asked yourself, why am I here?
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But do you know that God never tells us not to grieve?
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He tells us not to grieve without hope.
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And we read about this in 1 Thessalonians 4, verse 13.
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The Bible is full of these stories because Jesus cried.
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He was grieving Lazarus.
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I was speaking to my kids about an hour ago, and they said, Um, my young one is very opinionated, and he said, I don't know why Jesus was crying if he knows he's gonna wake him up.
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And you can imagine he's seeing it with an attitude, right?
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My 2000.
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But Jesus grieved Lazarus, even though he knew the miracle that's about to take place.
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David cried, Jeremiah cried, Naomi cried, Job cried, even Paul himself cried.
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The Bible is full of grieving people, which means grief is not a lack of faith, because when we read stories, when we read the testimonies of these people, it's not because they lacked faith.
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So let's start with the grief stages.
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You know, the the stages of grief, men and women of God, are not a checklist, they don't always happen in order.
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Some people revisit the stage months or even years later.
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In my own experience, I can tell you that I started to show grieving stages a year after the passing.
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Eleven months to be exact.
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The eleven months of that dressed in black period, I was just numb.
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But it's not delayed.
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Let's start with the first one.
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I want to speak about shock.
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That phone call that you get.
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No, this can't be happening.
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The voice of the doctor telling you your loved one is no more.
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Shock is a is your mind's way of telling you you're overwhelming, you're from overwhelming pain.
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An example is on Luke 24.
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You know, the the disciples after the crucifixion of Jesus, they struggled to comprehend what had happened.
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You can imagine someone that they've been following, someone that they believed in, someone who's been teaching them.
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They're feeling numb.
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You're going through emotions, you have difficulty concentrating.
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Did I hear what I heard?
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You feel detached.
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I remember driving to the accident scene where my husband passed away, and I can't tell you if the robots were in South Africa.
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I'm going to say robots, not traffic lights, if any of them were green or red or amber when I passed.
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All I know is I got there.
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Can you imagine?
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Shock is very, very dangerous.
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But I encourage you, it's not something you can plan.
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But if you just can imagine it, try to breathe.
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Don't pressurize yourself to make any major decisions.
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I know in that moment of the phone call, in the moment of the situation, you want to call people, you want to let everyone know, you want to start planning.
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Don't pressure yourself to do anything for that moment, just breathe.
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I encourage you with Isaiah 41, verse 10 that says, Do not fear for I am with you.
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The second grief stage is denial.
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Maybe they're coming back.
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Maybe I'm dreaming.
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How many times do we watch in movies where they say please pinch me?
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Denial cushions the impact until your heart can absorb reality.
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Think of Mary Magdalene at the empty tomb.
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Imagine going there and there's no body.
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Mary Magdalene got there and said they they took they stole his body.
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That's denial.
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You know, when when I stood at the accident scene and the traffic cop was telling me that I'm sorry, this person is no more.
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I could I I couldn't apprehend anything else that she was telling me.
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But I don't know if this is going to make sense to anyone.
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I I heard her say that this person is no more.
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But I still wanted to go home with everything that had taken place, and you know, the forensics are there to take him and back, take him to the mochari.
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I wanted to go home and wait for him to come back so I can tell him what happened.
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Denial.
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I wanted to go home and wait for my husband so I can tell him that I went to an accident scene and they said he's no more.
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Some of you have lost your mother, the person who you would call first.
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But when you lost your mother, who'd you call?
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You felt alone.
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How many times would you call their phone?
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So just so you can listen to their voicemail, and you're like, maybe they'll answer.
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Can I just tell you, you are not crazy?
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It's just denial.
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And it's okay to experience this phase.
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Even as you're comforting a loved one, let them be in the stage.
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Let them go through it because these are emotions.
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You need to be able to speak honestly about the loss.
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Ask people around you, are you sure he's gone?
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Look at pictures.
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Journal your memories.
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Write it down, write how you were feeling because it could help someone.
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It could help you.
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Because then if you stay in that phase, then it leads you to the next grief stage, which is anger.
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Oh, I remember experiencing this.
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I didn't know my voice could reach volume forty three, hey?
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Grief can do a number on you.
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In my story, the Germiston Mochery was on a ghost law strike.
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I don't know if it was a city strike or a national strike or provincial strike, but they were on a ghost law.
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So they said we have a backlog, so you're gonna have to wait about three to four months for us to do a post mortem and release the body to have a funeral.
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Can you imagine a hot-headed 27-year-old at that time who has a four-year-old and a nine-year-old at home?
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Can you imagine how much anger I had in me?
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Can I just tell you that anger is grief wearing an armor?
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Because you can be angry with God, you're angry with yourself, you're angry with the doctors, you can be angry with family, angry with the person who left.
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I know someone who was so heartbroken because their mother passed away, she is the oldest of three kids, and now she has to be the mother.
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Now she is angry that I can't grieve losing my mother because now I have to be a mother to them.
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She's angry, rightfully so.
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You can be angry at life itself.
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Remember how Job questioned God openly with faith, but he still questioned if I have done anything, let me know.
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David poured out his raw emotions in the book of Psalms.
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God is not offended by honest questions, men and women of God.
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He invites us to bring those questions to him as you are angry, as you're asking why, as you're asking why me, as you're asking why my family, go to God with that.
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And I want you to ask yourself, who are you angry with right now?
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Who are you angry with?
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Let me move on to the next stage.
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There's a grief stage called bargaining.
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This one may be disguised as regret sometimes.
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The bargaining is if only.
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How many of you have actually asked yourself those questions?
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Started bargaining in your mind, started to build stories that maybe if I ate healthier, I wouldn't have had a miscarriage.
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Maybe if I tested sooner, I wouldn't have.
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Oh, and here's a new one.
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If only I had noticed sooner.
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Recently, we just lost a Bafana Bafana soccer player.
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And although there are still speculations about the nature of his passing, with the speculation of it being suicide, people are saying, why didn't people notice sooner?
00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:24.319
People are extracting certain pictures where he's sitting by himself, where he's having a conversation with himself, or he's just simply quiet.
00:26:24.480 --> 00:26:32.240
And the questions people are asking, the family and friends is why didn't you notice sooner that he wasn't okay?
00:26:35.440 --> 00:26:44.400
Is anyone in this room right now asking themselves that question after losing a loved one to self-harm?
00:26:47.119 --> 00:26:53.200
You know, the stage is filled with guilt and imagined alternative endings.
00:26:53.839 --> 00:26:58.640
You start to picture a different scenario of how this should have gone.
00:27:00.720 --> 00:27:07.440
You make up the what-ifs, you dream about them, and sometimes you plan and live your life around them.
00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:16.400
How many of our parents say we shouldn't avoid driving at night because they've lost someone to a car accident driving at night?
00:27:16.559 --> 00:27:20.000
So now you avoid driving at night because it's not safe.
00:27:32.240 --> 00:27:45.519
And she, her husband had flu, and she, you know, they self-medicated, got him all the cough mixtures, med lemons, and you should steam.
00:27:45.759 --> 00:27:48.640
And then a week goes by and he's not getting better.
00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:53.920
So she says, Let's just go to the hospital, let's go to the doctor and let's have you checked out.
00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:55.440
No, I'm fine.
00:27:55.680 --> 00:28:00.160
Then we are going to two weeks, and she says, You know what?
00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:01.680
I'm taking you to the hospital.
00:28:01.759 --> 00:28:03.119
It's in the middle of the night.
00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:05.200
You are not getting better.
00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:10.000
Takes him to the hospital two days later, he passes on.
00:28:13.519 --> 00:28:16.559
She regrets not taking him sooner.
00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:21.680
She regrets the self-medication, she regrets not going to the doctor.
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:24.960
Can you imagine what she's thinking right now?
00:28:25.119 --> 00:28:33.920
So now, with just a small cough from her children, she's going to the clinic, to the doctor, to the hospital.
00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:35.519
They need to attend to it.
00:28:36.079 --> 00:28:40.079
Just a small acne, small pimple, a runny nose.
00:28:40.240 --> 00:28:44.799
She is panicking with her children because she is living with the guilt.
00:28:47.279 --> 00:28:51.680
Why didn't I take him to the hospital sooner?
00:28:53.759 --> 00:28:55.759
And I'm not saying don't visit the doctor.
00:28:55.839 --> 00:29:07.440
I'm not saying don't have things checked out, but what I'm asking is, are you doing it out of fear, out of regret, out of bargaining from your loss?
00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:11.359
Or are you simply doing it for clinical care?
00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:17.599
Think of Martha.
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:23.680
Martha said to Jesus, Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.
00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:25.839
John 11, verse 21.
00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:29.279
Some of us are Martha sometimes.
00:29:31.200 --> 00:29:34.079
God, I did everything right to get this job.
00:29:34.319 --> 00:29:35.680
Now I lost it.
00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:40.079
God, I did everything right in this marriage.
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:41.599
It still ended.
00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:56.079
When you are grieving your identity, hoping for things that are still on the way.
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:03.359
And you say, God, but I've lived a good life.
00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:05.680
I've lived the life you wanted.
00:30:05.759 --> 00:30:06.559
I saved myself.
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:09.039
I'm waiting for the right man, but it's not coming.
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:10.079
He's not coming.
00:30:10.160 --> 00:30:11.920
The marriage is not coming.
00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:20.640
I want you to challenge that false guilt.
00:30:21.759 --> 00:30:27.200
Separate what you could control from what you couldn't.
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:40.559
So, with the example of the young widow, you can control self-medicating, taking the children to the doctor, getting the medicine.
00:30:41.039 --> 00:31:04.319
However, if it is time, if a tragedy happens, if the loss takes place, go to the Lord instead of if only go to the Lord and say, Help me trust you with what I cannot change.
00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:14.000
I'll move on to the next stage, and that is depression.
00:31:15.519 --> 00:31:17.519
Deep, deep sadness.
00:31:19.200 --> 00:31:22.079
This is not always clinical depression.
00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:28.240
I cannot diagnose you, but this is a profound heaviness.
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:40.079
You know when you lose motivation to do anything, you withdraw from other people, you struggle to life.
00:31:42.559 --> 00:31:45.920
When they say life is life, and you struggle to life.
00:32:06.720 --> 00:32:13.759
When you find yourself not wanting to even utter a word.
00:32:34.160 --> 00:32:36.480
I had to keep myself together.
00:32:37.680 --> 00:32:40.319
I had to remember that there is an assignment.
00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:45.759
I had to remember that there is more above me and there is something that needs to be done.
00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:48.319
I had to remember discipleship.
00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:59.599
Last year I was scheduled to be an MC for a woman's event, and I had to speak about healing in August, but July, I was burying my brother.
00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:09.440
I had to stand there and speak about healing when I had just chosen a coffin for my brother 30 days prior.
00:33:14.559 --> 00:33:22.319
The struggle, the withdrawal from others, that depression just hits you.
00:33:22.480 --> 00:33:24.319
You know, it makes me think about Elijah.
00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:28.880
Elijah wanted to give up after that overwhelming stress.
00:33:30.720 --> 00:33:37.519
If we read 1 Kings 19, sure, God responded first with rest.
00:33:39.119 --> 00:33:42.160
Aren't we in just a hurry for a resolution?
00:33:43.039 --> 00:33:47.279
But God responded to Elijah with rest and food.
00:33:51.279 --> 00:33:53.119
Let me nourish you first.
00:33:56.559 --> 00:34:00.799
And his presence before giving Elijah new direction.
00:34:02.880 --> 00:34:16.800
If you find yourself in this grieving stage, I need you to seek professional help if the sadness is persistent and overwhelming.
00:34:19.039 --> 00:34:24.000
But I also need you to try to keep a simple daily routine.
00:34:29.280 --> 00:34:36.239
After my brother's passing, I had to put reminders on my phone.
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:41.280
Every two hours I needed to put a reminder to drink water.
00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:46.880
Every four hours I needed to put a reminder that I need to snack on something.
00:34:48.079 --> 00:34:52.159
Once a day I had to remind myself take a walk.
00:34:54.960 --> 00:35:03.920
I had to remind myself sit with the kids worship even when you don't feel like singing.
00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:12.480
Depression can hit you really hard.
00:35:13.039 --> 00:35:25.039
And it also makes you replay the phone call, the event, the years of trying to make it work, the tragic moment.
00:35:25.440 --> 00:35:28.079
It makes you replay over and over.
00:35:36.079 --> 00:35:40.079
Here's another grief stage I want you to think about, and that is acceptance.
00:35:40.960 --> 00:35:44.480
This does not mean you are happy the loss happened.
00:35:44.719 --> 00:35:46.320
No, no, no.
00:35:47.599 --> 00:35:51.840
It means you acknowledge the reality of the loss.
00:35:54.960 --> 00:35:58.880
This is so heartbreaking, but please hear me, men and women of God.
00:35:59.360 --> 00:36:02.800
Acknowledge the reality of the loss.
00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:16.000
There's a time to laugh and there's a time to cry.
00:36:20.159 --> 00:36:22.719
You have cried for that loss.
00:36:25.599 --> 00:36:29.840
I need you to begin to move forward with it.
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:40.079
This makes me think about Naomi returning to Bethlehem empty.
00:36:44.800 --> 00:36:51.920
This day and age we call them, we call it King a return soldier.
00:36:53.599 --> 00:36:57.280
Naomi even gave herself a name.
00:36:57.519 --> 00:37:04.320
She felt empty with nothing, no grandchild, no husband, no sons.
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:14.960
But God gradually restored her through other people.
00:37:16.159 --> 00:37:17.519
Ruth and Boaz.
00:37:19.599 --> 00:37:25.280
I want you to think of acceptance of loss as I miss them.
00:37:27.519 --> 00:37:28.960
I miss what I had.
00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:33.199
I wish it would have worked out.
00:37:36.320 --> 00:37:37.599
But I will live.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:43.920
Choose to live.
00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:55.199
And then the next grief stage will make sense, and that is meaning and purpose.
00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:58.159
This grief stage is meaning and purpose.
00:37:58.239 --> 00:38:08.719
You know, many of the the the grief specialists they recognize that people move beyond acceptance.
00:38:10.960 --> 00:38:14.800
Some of us have found renewed purpose in what has taken place.
00:38:14.880 --> 00:38:20.559
You know, this is where God can transform pain into testimony.
00:38:20.719 --> 00:38:27.599
This is where your your your your story starts that can help someone else to heal.
00:38:27.920 --> 00:38:30.000
I didn't choose to be a widow.
00:38:30.639 --> 00:38:33.280
I didn't choose to lose my brother.
00:38:33.679 --> 00:38:35.599
You didn't choose to divorce.
00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:51.840
But let's think about Romans 8 28 in action quickly.
00:38:52.159 --> 00:39:04.880
It reads, and we know that in all things, all things, not some of them, not only the good things that have happened in your life, not only the blessings that you have received.
00:39:05.039 --> 00:39:13.039
The Bible says, and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.
00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:18.960
Purpose does not erase pain, but it gives pain somewhere to go.
00:39:24.960 --> 00:39:27.199
I want you to notice something.
00:39:28.400 --> 00:39:34.880
Notice how, in all the grief stages I spoke about, none of them speak about time.
00:39:39.840 --> 00:39:42.559
And none of them speaks about the order.
00:39:55.519 --> 00:40:00.079
We may enter a season of grief and immediately remember our teachings.
00:40:05.360 --> 00:40:18.400
When you've learned how to find meaning and purpose in things that have happened to you, you immediately just want to get to the purpose of what is happening to you.
00:40:19.599 --> 00:40:29.119
And you don't acknowledge the anger, you don't acknowledge the depression, you don't acknowledge that bargaining of what could have happened.
00:40:39.760 --> 00:40:47.920
The stages that I've shared are the famous ones, if I can call it.
00:40:53.360 --> 00:41:00.480
You can find them anywhere, but they don't fully explain what grief feels like spiritually.
00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:08.960
Because today I want you to ask yourself: where is God in all of this?
00:41:09.599 --> 00:41:13.280
Where is God when the coffin is going down?
00:41:14.639 --> 00:41:17.599
Where is God when I'm signing those papers?
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:23.599
Where is God when I'm stepping out of my workplace for the last time?
00:41:23.840 --> 00:41:26.639
Not knowing where my next next meal will come from.
00:41:26.880 --> 00:41:28.960
Where is God in all of this?
00:41:29.280 --> 00:41:34.079
Where is God when you are lying in ICU, not knowing if you'll actually leave?
00:41:34.800 --> 00:41:37.519
People around you are dying.
00:41:38.320 --> 00:41:39.440
Where is God?
00:41:42.880 --> 00:41:46.719
I want to talk about the hidden stages of grief.
00:41:47.039 --> 00:41:55.519
These are not the clinical stages, but they are the common experiences that we go through that we don't really name.
00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:01.440
You know, I always go beyond, so you won't be shocked.
00:42:02.400 --> 00:42:06.159
In no particular order, I'm gonna start with the trigger grief.
00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:09.599
Now, this is the stage nobody warns you about.
00:42:11.199 --> 00:42:21.280
You can feel perfectly fine, and then all of a sudden, you smell the perfume that resonates with your loved one.
00:42:23.679 --> 00:42:35.280
You hear their favorite song, or you go past the hospital where your loved one passed on.
00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:45.039
My brother was driving a silver polo, and you can imagine how many polos are on the road.
00:42:45.360 --> 00:42:52.639
Men and women of God, I want you to imagine how many silver polos are on the road.
00:42:56.800 --> 00:43:01.760
Every time I saw it, they are everywhere.
00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:05.199
Every time I saw it, I thought about him.
00:43:05.920 --> 00:43:10.079
Especially because it's an unresolved case, you know.
00:43:12.639 --> 00:43:20.960
Trigger grief is just it just attacks you on a random moment.
00:43:24.079 --> 00:43:27.199
It could catch you when you're attending another funeral.
00:43:29.199 --> 00:43:31.199
Or how about divorce?
00:43:32.880 --> 00:43:40.559
How many couples do you see holding hands, chatting, laughing, and you're like, maybe a little failure in your ding?
00:43:41.199 --> 00:43:43.119
Isn't that triggering to you?
00:43:47.599 --> 00:43:49.679
The one who's lost a father.
00:43:50.400 --> 00:43:57.760
What do you do on Father's Day when there's one father you cannot honor in person?
00:44:02.239 --> 00:44:05.039
Or here's one that you don't think is a trigger.
00:44:05.280 --> 00:44:12.719
When you hear someone who sounds exactly like them, either the way they talk or the way they laugh.
00:44:16.559 --> 00:44:23.440
And then suddenly you are back right there, as if the funeral was taking place right now.
00:44:23.679 --> 00:44:26.480
And it's not because you haven't healed, please hear me.
00:44:26.639 --> 00:44:29.039
It's because grief has a memory.
00:44:31.039 --> 00:44:32.800
You will always remember.
00:44:41.280 --> 00:44:51.519
When I lost my brother, I realized because it was in the same manner, his death actually unlocked the grief of losing my husband.
00:44:51.599 --> 00:44:54.239
And it wasn't that God had failed to heal me.
00:44:54.480 --> 00:44:57.360
Please don't think God has failed to heal you.
00:44:57.599 --> 00:44:59.440
It was that grief remembered.
00:44:59.599 --> 00:45:03.119
You know, that sentence should stay with you.
00:45:03.280 --> 00:45:04.800
Grief remembers.
00:45:05.599 --> 00:45:07.599
Triggers are invitations.
00:45:08.159 --> 00:45:15.119
It's an invitation by God not to stay broken, but to notice that God still wants to heal.
00:45:16.960 --> 00:45:18.639
It's an invitation.
00:45:20.880 --> 00:45:23.760
The next one is a comparison grief.
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:27.360
We don't talk much about this, don't we?
00:45:29.199 --> 00:45:32.320
Have you ever heard people compare your grief?
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:40.400
Someone loses their boyfriend.
00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:45.840
And they're going to say, Ah, at least you were only dating, not married.
00:45:52.800 --> 00:45:59.840
Or you lose a loved one and they say, at least you got to say goodbye because they were sick.
00:46:06.159 --> 00:46:10.239
You lose your job, and someone says, At least you worked for some time.
00:46:11.760 --> 00:46:13.760
I haven't been working at all.
00:46:16.079 --> 00:46:19.679
Let me remind you, Jesus never ranked pain.
00:46:20.880 --> 00:46:23.199
He doesn't rank it from one to ten.
00:46:23.840 --> 00:46:26.239
Where is your pain level, dear child?
00:46:26.480 --> 00:46:27.599
He does not.
00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:31.920
I'll give you a few biblical examples.
00:46:32.239 --> 00:46:39.119
Jesus acknowledged the grief that the sisters were feeling when Lazarus died.
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:43.360
He didn't say, no, calm down, I'm gonna wake him up.
00:46:43.679 --> 00:46:46.320
He acknowledged their grief.
00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:52.159
He acknowledged the grief of the woman at the well who lost her identity.
00:46:52.800 --> 00:46:58.480
He acknowledged the grief of the woman who bled for 12 years not having an identity.
00:47:04.239 --> 00:47:12.159
Those are all types of grief, and he never rated one superior to the other, one more important to the other.
00:47:15.760 --> 00:47:21.920
So maybe this is more from you to others, the comparison grief.
00:47:22.719 --> 00:47:26.639
No one will ever understand what you are going through.
00:47:26.960 --> 00:47:33.760
However, in the eyes of the Lord, we are all grieving.
00:47:37.119 --> 00:47:39.199
Comfort one another.
00:47:46.159 --> 00:47:55.599
I just spoke about the woman at the well and the woman who was bleeding for many years.
00:47:57.039 --> 00:47:59.039
You know, identity grief.
00:48:00.559 --> 00:48:07.519
This is a big one because people think that you lose your spouse.
00:48:07.760 --> 00:48:08.079
Okay.
00:48:10.239 --> 00:48:14.960
But you know that you didn't just lose your spouse, your partner.
00:48:17.119 --> 00:48:22.239
You lost what you called I am somebody's something.
00:48:27.679 --> 00:48:34.320
I can no longer say, Oh, I have brothers, because I only have one left.
00:48:41.119 --> 00:48:48.239
My mother can't say, Oh, I have three kids, my son is working where, and then my daughter, then my son is in school.
00:48:48.480 --> 00:48:50.719
The one son is no longer here.
00:48:55.519 --> 00:49:01.119
How about that awkward moment when they say missus and you and you're like, no, I'm not missus anymore?
00:49:06.320 --> 00:49:12.400
You know, the loss, this type of loss, you you are thinking about what could have been.
00:49:14.880 --> 00:49:23.519
After my husband's passing, I remember the first big event in my life was my daughter going to camp for the very first time.
00:49:25.679 --> 00:49:28.000
We all we had everything prepared.
00:49:28.079 --> 00:49:32.559
We just waited for the day, but I had to drive her to school by myself.
00:49:32.719 --> 00:49:37.760
I had to watch her just walk away with the heavy suitcase, and she's so tiny.
00:49:38.000 --> 00:49:49.519
And that's a moment I knew that my daughter is going to experience a lot of monumental things without Ubabake being there to see it.
00:49:52.559 --> 00:50:09.519
You know, the version of yourself that existed before the phone call, before the loss, before the tragedy, before the doctor said, before the traffic upset, before you signed the papers, the version of yourself that existed before.
00:50:15.920 --> 00:50:24.960
You cry when you speak about motherhood, your own motherhood, because you remember yours is no more as well.
00:50:31.920 --> 00:50:33.119
Take comfort.
00:50:35.199 --> 00:50:39.119
Isaiah 61 says, He gives beauty for ashes.
00:50:41.679 --> 00:50:46.320
Oh, I I lived on that verse for many years.
00:50:47.280 --> 00:50:49.440
He gives beauty for ashes.
00:50:50.559 --> 00:50:53.599
Not just comfort, identity as well.
00:50:56.719 --> 00:50:58.960
I touched on this a little bit.
00:51:00.239 --> 00:51:04.960
Another one we don't speak about at grief stage is the fear of joy.
00:51:07.440 --> 00:51:10.960
Why are you afraid to be happy?
00:51:13.679 --> 00:51:20.320
Do you think it takes away from what you've lost?
00:51:21.039 --> 00:51:26.239
Do you feel guilty that you were smiling when you think you shouldn't be?
00:51:30.559 --> 00:51:37.519
To be happy during grief is to be happy as you're grieving.
00:51:39.920 --> 00:51:42.559
Because happiness once disappeared.
00:51:44.400 --> 00:52:07.840
So you try to sabotage it, you try to sabotage the smile, you try to sabotage the enjoyment, you don't celebrate, you don't want to love again, you don't want to have dreams again, you don't want to ask God for marriage again, you don't want to ask God for a baby again, you don't want to ask God for too big of a job because you might lose it again.
00:52:08.880 --> 00:52:12.320
How many times have you said, what if I lose it again?
00:52:22.800 --> 00:52:34.159
Ask yourself if you are in the stage where even something funny right in front of you, you just think, why am I smiling?
00:52:36.960 --> 00:52:47.519
Or as you're browsing through pictures of the loved one you lost, or the memories of what was once a happy relationship, friendship, marriage.
00:52:49.519 --> 00:52:55.119
And as you're smiling and you're laughing at what happened when you were taking that picture, you immediately were kalimela.
00:52:55.440 --> 00:52:57.280
No, Rose, it ended badly.
00:52:57.360 --> 00:52:58.880
Why are you smiling?
00:53:04.719 --> 00:53:10.880
Now the last grief stage I'm going to speak about is survivor's guilt.
00:53:15.119 --> 00:53:16.800
Survivor's guilt.
00:53:22.159 --> 00:53:27.440
I know of the um our perfect wedding.
00:53:27.519 --> 00:53:37.039
I could have the show wrong, who lost her husband and her child in a car accident, and she survived.
00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:40.159
She was badly hurt, but she survived.
00:53:40.880 --> 00:53:47.440
And over and over as she goes to do podcasts, she keeps on saying, Why did I survive?
00:53:55.360 --> 00:54:00.960
Or you look at people who you have made the assumption that they shouldn't be happy.
00:54:01.119 --> 00:54:03.920
Why is their marriage okay, but mine ended?
00:54:05.119 --> 00:54:10.320
Why does he still have a job when I work so hard and he doesn't?
00:54:14.559 --> 00:54:18.239
Why does she have seven kids and I can't even have one?
00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:23.599
It's possible to carry survivor's guilt.
00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:27.679
Why me not them?
00:54:33.599 --> 00:54:37.679
Now I want us to look at Luke 23.
00:54:42.880 --> 00:54:47.760
Imagine you have followed Jesus for three years.
00:54:48.960 --> 00:55:06.639
You've watched him heal people, raise Lazarus from the dead, open blind eyes, feed five thousand, walk on water, calm waters, all of these miracles, and then watch him die.
00:55:09.519 --> 00:55:13.280
I want you to imagine it for a moment, and then watch him die.
00:55:13.920 --> 00:55:16.559
Everything that you believed dies.
00:55:19.119 --> 00:55:20.800
Imagine the disappointment.
00:55:21.039 --> 00:55:24.800
Imagine the thinking, I left everything for this.
00:55:27.280 --> 00:55:30.880
I left everything for this, and now he's dead.
00:55:32.719 --> 00:55:34.639
Doesn't that sound familiar?
00:55:35.840 --> 00:55:39.840
Some of you sacrificed in your marriages and they still ended.
00:55:40.960 --> 00:55:45.840
Some of you sacrificed in your workplace and you still lost the job.
00:55:47.760 --> 00:55:56.000
Some of you sacrificed to take care of a terminally ill person with the hope that they will make it and they didn't.
00:55:58.400 --> 00:56:01.679
And the words, I left everything for this.
00:56:03.920 --> 00:56:05.840
Doesn't that sound familiar?
00:56:07.679 --> 00:56:11.599
Sometimes grief isn't just asking, why did they die?
00:56:11.920 --> 00:56:13.199
Why did it end?
00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:22.559
Sometimes you find yourself asking God, why didn't you stop it from happening?
00:56:23.119 --> 00:56:24.880
I know we've all been there.
00:56:26.159 --> 00:56:29.599
That is a question I know we have asked God.
00:56:29.840 --> 00:56:32.559
Why did you allow it to happen?
00:56:37.840 --> 00:56:44.880
The story on Luke 23 is quite interesting because I want to introduce the thieves that were beside Jesus.
00:56:45.760 --> 00:56:51.039
The first thief presents one way people grief.
00:56:51.920 --> 00:56:57.119
You know, it says, if you are the Messiah, save yourself and us.
00:56:58.159 --> 00:56:59.039
I dare you.
00:56:59.119 --> 00:57:01.519
It almost sounds like I dare you, doesn't it?
00:57:01.760 --> 00:57:10.079
You know, his pain became accusation, his disappointment became unbelief.
00:57:12.320 --> 00:57:18.000
How many people stopped praying because God didn't answer the prayer they expected?
00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:27.280
How many left church after burying a loved one?
00:57:30.400 --> 00:57:40.400
How many became angry because God didn't prevent the illness, the cancer, the car accident, the divorce, the retrenchment.
00:57:44.239 --> 00:57:48.320
But he represents disappointed faith.
00:57:51.599 --> 00:57:56.960
And we need to learn not to judge him because it's the pain that's speaking.
00:58:00.719 --> 00:58:05.440
And then I present to you the second thief next to Jesus.
00:58:06.000 --> 00:58:13.679
He experienced the same suffering, the same cross, the same nail, the same pain, but a different response.
00:58:16.079 --> 00:58:20.960
Because he says, Jesus, remember me.
00:58:24.559 --> 00:58:28.480
I want you to notice how this thief didn't ask to come down.
00:58:29.840 --> 00:58:32.719
He didn't ask for him to be remembered.
00:58:35.519 --> 00:58:39.119
Sometimes healing isn't asking God, take it away.
00:58:41.199 --> 00:58:49.760
Sometimes healing is praying to God and saying, Stay with me while I carry it.
00:58:52.800 --> 00:58:55.840
Stay with me while I carry it.
00:59:10.159 --> 00:59:11.519
So let me leave you with this.
00:59:11.679 --> 00:59:16.960
Sometimes God doesn't immediately change, change the circumstance.
00:59:17.599 --> 00:59:19.119
No matter the loss.
00:59:21.039 --> 00:59:23.119
He changes the destination.
00:59:25.920 --> 00:59:28.159
Jesus didn't remove the cross.
00:59:29.280 --> 00:59:31.360
He promised his presence.
00:59:33.599 --> 00:59:35.199
That's Psalm 23.
00:59:36.079 --> 00:59:45.199
You know, though I walk through the valley, not around through the valley.
00:59:50.960 --> 01:00:10.159
I always come to this platform and I speak about my own story because I want you to know I am not only speaking from reading the Bible, but I am speaking from a testimony that was taught from the words of the Bible.
01:00:11.199 --> 01:00:15.599
I prayed for my husband.
01:00:15.920 --> 01:00:19.119
I prayed that he was alive.
01:00:19.360 --> 01:00:20.559
I prayed.
01:00:23.360 --> 01:00:28.239
When I got the call about my brother, I prayed that he's alive.
01:00:31.119 --> 01:00:37.440
But for a season, I had to decide: would I become the first thief or the second?
01:00:38.960 --> 01:00:42.960
Would disappointment make me stop believing?
01:00:44.639 --> 01:00:53.840
Or would pain teach me to trust God even when I didn't understand what is happening?
01:00:57.760 --> 01:01:06.079
I'm asking you to keep your faith, even when you feel that you have been disappointed by God.
01:01:08.480 --> 01:01:12.239
And I know this is a conversation that many of us avoid.
01:01:14.079 --> 01:01:18.400
In the book of Psalms, David repeatedly asked, Why, Lord?
01:01:19.199 --> 01:01:22.400
You are allowed to ask why, Lord.
01:01:26.559 --> 01:01:30.000
Some of you are carrying the wrong question.
01:01:32.559 --> 01:01:34.480
Why did God allow this?
01:01:35.760 --> 01:01:45.360
Maybe tonight God is inviting us to ask, now that this has happened, where you are right now.
01:01:46.079 --> 01:01:51.519
Now that this has happened, you just buried a loved one over the weekend.
01:01:51.840 --> 01:01:57.440
Last week, last month, you just washed a body at the morti.
01:01:57.760 --> 01:01:59.679
You just chose a final outfit.
01:01:59.760 --> 01:02:04.559
You just moved out from a place you have been saving and working hard for.
01:02:04.800 --> 01:02:11.199
You just took back the car that you've been paying and loved for a couple of years back to the bank.
01:02:11.440 --> 01:02:16.960
Now that this has happened, will I still trust him?
01:02:20.639 --> 01:02:25.519
Back on Luke 23, the first thief lets suffering define his eternity.
01:02:26.880 --> 01:02:31.440
But the second thief lets suffering lead him to Jesus.
01:02:32.800 --> 01:02:35.360
They experienced the same cross.
01:02:36.719 --> 01:02:43.199
Their difference was not their pain, the difference was where they placed their hope.
01:02:45.360 --> 01:02:58.880
Now, men and women of God, as I close, I want you to please be able to call someone when you're not okay.
01:03:01.760 --> 01:03:05.760
Be able to receive a call from someone who's not okay.
01:03:06.639 --> 01:03:08.960
You don't have to have a solution.
01:03:09.280 --> 01:03:11.280
You don't have to know what to say.
01:03:11.679 --> 01:03:12.800
Just listen.
01:03:15.599 --> 01:03:18.559
I want you to be able to pray again.
01:03:20.320 --> 01:03:29.039
I want you to be able to read the word of God for your understanding, for your belief, for your faith, for you to be fed again.
01:03:32.400 --> 01:03:36.239
Jesus understands grief because he wept.
01:03:39.360 --> 01:03:47.519
God may not remove every scar, he may not bring back the dead, but he promises his presence and his restoration.
01:03:50.800 --> 01:03:53.360
I plead with you this evening.
01:03:53.920 --> 01:03:56.559
It is hard to get out of bed.
01:03:58.079 --> 01:04:00.559
It is hard not to cry.
01:04:01.679 --> 01:04:06.239
It is hard to believe that even tomorrow will be a better day.
01:04:08.079 --> 01:04:10.480
But go back to the Lord.
01:04:14.400 --> 01:04:17.039
This is a money-back guarantee.
01:04:17.360 --> 01:04:19.199
Go back to the Lord.
01:04:21.119 --> 01:04:28.800
And small, faithful steps will become the path to deep healing.
01:04:38.960 --> 01:04:39.599
Amen.
01:04:45.119 --> 01:04:46.559
And amen.
01:04:46.960 --> 01:04:47.599
Amen.
01:04:48.559 --> 01:04:49.199
Wow.
01:04:52.079 --> 01:04:53.199
We are learning.
01:04:53.360 --> 01:04:56.000
We are learning, and it is God's love.
01:04:56.719 --> 01:05:02.400
And we must know that He must love us so much that He would teach us all this.
01:05:02.880 --> 01:05:04.320
I'm grateful.
01:05:05.039 --> 01:05:07.280
I'm grateful for His love.
01:05:07.440 --> 01:05:08.800
Let us pray.
01:05:10.480 --> 01:05:15.519
Heavenly Father, indeed, you are a really loving God.
01:05:16.559 --> 01:05:19.039
You are a loving Father.
01:05:19.920 --> 01:05:22.079
Indeed, you are the God who sees.
01:05:23.760 --> 01:05:46.960
You are the God who knows the type of grief we are going through, whether we've lost our health, whether we are sick, whether we have lost our jobs, whether we've lost the loved ones, whether we um we have lost friendships, Lord, whether we are still just grappling with sorrow and pain, Lord, you know.
00:00:00.959 --> 00:00:05.280
Gain, oh, sorry, I was disturbed a bit.
00:00:05.599 --> 00:00:08.240
Encourage you to listen with an open heart.
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:16.320
You may discover whether you are in your healing journey or perhaps gain a deeper understanding of someone else's.
00:00:16.719 --> 00:00:32.240
Before I hand over to the beautiful and powerful host, I would love to share a short blip from my latest book that talks about grief.
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:36.640
The chapter is The Wake Up Pain.
00:00:40.159 --> 00:00:51.359
The day a home affairs official handed me my mother's death certificate was the day my life truly began to change.
00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:55.759
It took only a few minutes for the process to be completed.
00:00:56.000 --> 00:01:03.759
And just like that, she was officially recorded as deceased, no longer part of the society.
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:13.519
The end of her journey was reduced to a piece of paper and a few taps on a computer keyboard.
00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:19.040
In that moment, everything I had known no longer existed.
00:01:19.280 --> 00:01:24.159
And I realized that the life I knew, I knew no more.
00:01:24.799 --> 00:01:30.239
My mother was a strong woman, a hustler, grounded and resilient.
00:01:30.480 --> 00:01:36.319
Her life was shaken in many ways, yet she stood firm through it all.
00:01:36.879 --> 00:01:47.760
She had been unwell for several years, and I watched her health deteriorate slowly over the years, months, weeks, and finally days.
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:53.840
I walked that journey with her and supported her in every way I could.
00:01:54.159 --> 00:02:02.400
Her last conversations and diary and entries were a painful reflection on the people in her life.
00:02:03.200 --> 00:02:07.920
An honest assessment of who showed up and who did not.
00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:15.599
I witnessed something similar with a close friend later that I lost.
00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:25.360
Our final conversations were also about disappointment, about people who let her down, those who those are heavy conversations.
00:02:25.680 --> 00:02:28.719
They cut deep and they stay with you.
00:02:29.120 --> 00:02:36.240
We tried everything: clinical trials, specialists, hospitals after hospital.
00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:42.560
We search endlessly for answers, holding on to hope that the treatment will appear.
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:46.159
It took toll on her and it took a toll on us.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:47.599
I will stop there.
00:02:48.479 --> 00:02:52.800
Having said that, I also want to share an exercise with you.
00:02:53.759 --> 00:02:58.639
What pain have you been trying to silence instead of heal?
00:03:00.400 --> 00:03:12.240
What will happen if instead of running from it, you sit with it long enough to understand what it has been trying to teach you?
00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:19.680
Healing begins the moment you stop fighting our story and start listening to it with compassion.
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:25.919
As you listen to today's discussion, I invite you to carry that reflection with you.
00:03:26.159 --> 00:03:39.039
Thank you once again, ladies and gentlemen, kings and queens, for invitation and for allowing me this moment to share about my life and to also share about my experience of loss.
00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:40.639
It doesn't stop there.
00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:45.120
I have lost to marriage, marriage to divorce.
00:03:45.599 --> 00:03:47.759
I have lost myself.
00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:50.639
I have lost a sense of direction.
00:03:50.879 --> 00:03:55.520
And through all those losses, I had to grieve.
00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:11.759
Thank you.
00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:16.720
And may this evening be the one of healing, hope, and transformation.
00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:19.199
Thank you so much for this platform.
00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:35.199
Thank you so much.
00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:37.040
Oh thank you.
00:04:37.120 --> 00:04:37.759
Sorry, sorry.
00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:39.040
Thank you so much, Valerie.
00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:41.839
I just wanted to say a few words.
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:43.600
Thank you for sharing your story.
00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:54.720
I did little digging from my end, and that the digging that I found, uh rather the session that I did was in your name.
00:04:55.040 --> 00:04:58.079
Valerie actually means strong, brave.
00:04:59.040 --> 00:05:02.319
So we are talking about courage here, steadfastness.
00:05:02.560 --> 00:05:06.639
So thank you so much for gracing us with your present this evening.
00:05:06.959 --> 00:05:16.000
And Rose, Pastor Roses, please do take us away with a song before you come to your presentation.
00:05:16.160 --> 00:05:17.040
Thank you.
00:05:19.920 --> 00:05:20.560
Thank you.
00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:22.000
Thank you so much.
00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:29.759
I I wanted to just go in after that beautiful presentation.
00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:37.439
If you are new here, I wanted to show my face so you don't think there's AI behind this whole initiative.
00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:40.639
As we know, it is taking over.
00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:45.600
Welcome to um Live After Last Session.
00:05:45.920 --> 00:05:47.360
Yes, my sister, I'm real.
00:05:47.519 --> 00:05:47.920
I'm real.
00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:49.680
I can switch it off now, right?
00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:54.079
Because I have little humans that are going to run around.
00:05:57.040 --> 00:05:59.519
Thank you to my co-host, Mr.
00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:00.399
Makovani.
00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:02.079
Thank you for your assistance.
00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:05.279
Thank you, Sister Glenda, for joining us.
00:06:05.439 --> 00:06:07.120
Thank you for opening with prayer.
00:06:07.279 --> 00:06:12.000
I appreciate each and every one of you who have joined this evening.
00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:22.480
I just want to start off with the question that Coach Valerie gave us.
00:06:22.959 --> 00:06:26.079
Which grief stage are you on?
00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:40.000
You know, today I would like the walkway to be for you to understand grief from both a biblical and a practical perspective.
00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:46.399
And I'd like you to understand where you currently are.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:57.920
Whether you've started the healing journey, whether you are in the middle of it, whether you've sidetracked.
00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:14.639
But most importantly, I want you to discover God's heart for restoration and leave here with the hope and the trust and the belief that healing is possible.
00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:18.639
I would not be doing any justice to the word of God.
00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:32.800
I would not be doing any justice to my own testimony if I didn't ensure that you walk away with a bit of hope that you may not be okay right now, but you will be one day.
00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:42.000
So whether this is your first session or you've been with us since the beginning, healing begins with showing up, and you showed up today.
00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:50.000
You showed up for yourself, you showed up for your family, you showed up for your loved ones, because change is contagious.
00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:57.600
So tonight is not just about loss, it's about understanding what loss does to us.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:01.759
Because a lot of people ask themselves, why am I still hurting?
00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:03.279
Why am I still crying?
00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:06.480
Why did one phone call trigger me?
00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:24.800
You know, when we think about the story that's trending right now, which is the late Annela Temba and aka, the story of her passing, some people may have thought, you know, if if you are the parent or the friend, you you may have somewhat put it to bed.
00:08:24.959 --> 00:08:29.519
You may you may have told yourself, you know what, I'm I'm beginning to heal from this.
00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:35.440
And then now the story is coming into light, and who said what and when.
00:08:35.519 --> 00:08:39.759
And don't we think this is triggering to people who are on the journey of healing?
00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:41.120
And that happens.
00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:46.080
That happens where you ask yourself, why do I feel guilty for laughing?
00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:57.440
You know, you find something amusing, you find something that is entertaining, and as you're laughing, you you you start to reduce that smile because you are feeling guilty for laughing.
00:08:57.679 --> 00:09:05.759
And the answer is is sometimes you failed at grieving.
00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:08.000
That's what you tell yourself.
00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:13.519
And I want you to know that you haven't failed in grieving.
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:23.759
The grief isn't something, grieving isn't something we get over, it is something we learn to walk through.
00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:26.639
That is why we say it's a journey.
00:09:39.360 --> 00:09:45.039
I lost my husband, and one phone call changed my life forever.
00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:49.519
One day I'm a wife, and the next day I'm a widow.
00:09:50.240 --> 00:09:52.320
No one prepares you for that.
00:09:52.799 --> 00:09:59.120
No one prepares you emotionally, spiritually, financially, or even as a mother.
00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:09.919
But nobody actually teaches you how to be strong.
00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:15.519
You know, I didn't know how to process this pain, and I'm sure some of you are sitting with that right now.
00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:20.080
So I did what people who are hurt normally do.
00:10:20.159 --> 00:10:31.600
You know, I try to numb the pain, I tried to avoid it, I tried to pretend it's not there, but then God slowly began to restore me.
00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:40.639
And one of the first things that I tried was therapy, and I tried gym as well.
00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:47.279
You know, lifting those weights for me became a place where I released the emotions I didn't want to talk about.
00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:53.919
And then years later, there I am thinking Rosikisterin.
00:10:55.039 --> 00:11:09.519
Last year I lost my brother in a similar manner, and something just that big triggered me and took me back to what had happened to my husband.
00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:14.159
So sometimes one loss awakens another.
00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:19.600
You've heard of people saying, I lost my parents in a space of three years.
00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:33.679
You can imagine in the three years of trying to heal, in the three years, you manage to laugh again, in the three years you could hold conversations about the person who's no more and laugh about them and laugh about the things they would be laughing at.
00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:36.320
And then another tragedy hits you.
00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:39.440
What happens now?
00:11:39.759 --> 00:11:41.519
Are you back to square one?
00:11:42.799 --> 00:11:45.519
I don't want to tell you to move on.
00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:46.159
No.
00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:51.200
Today I want to help you understand where you are.
00:11:51.840 --> 00:11:58.799
Because once you understand grief, your grief, then healing becomes possible.
00:11:59.840 --> 00:12:05.759
I know Coach Valerie will contest to the fact that you cannot heal what you haven't identified.
00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:09.039
So that is what we're going to do this evening.
00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:18.320
If you look at the dictionary meaning of grief, it will tell you all sorts of things.
00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:26.639
But for the purpose of today's session, I want you to know what grief is not, and it's not a weakness.
00:12:28.639 --> 00:12:32.159
Someone is sitting out there and feeling weak.
00:12:33.919 --> 00:12:42.639
Grief is this emotional response to losing something, someone that is meaningful.
00:12:45.039 --> 00:12:46.879
And grief is not only about death.
00:12:47.039 --> 00:13:02.000
We've spoken about in the first session, where you can grieve divorce, you can grieve friendships, you can grieve a job, you can grieve your financial status situation, you can grieve your health.
00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:08.000
Going into retirement can mean grieving the life that you once lived.
00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:15.200
You know, I've seen my grandmother retire and she didn't know what to do with herself because her routine is no longer there.
00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:21.440
She used to wake up and go to work and do this and do that, and now she doesn't know what to do with herself.
00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:25.279
You can grieve moving cities.
00:13:27.759 --> 00:13:30.960
You know, loss of identity, loss of trust.
00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:44.399
You may still be in a relationship, but there's loss of trust in the workplace, friendships, family, loss of innocence, and for some loss of purpose.
00:13:44.720 --> 00:13:49.279
I'm sure you've looked in the mirror and asked yourself, why am I here?
00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:57.519
But do you know that God never tells us not to grieve?
00:13:59.279 --> 00:14:04.000
He tells us not to grieve without hope.
00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:10.240
And we read about this in 1 Thessalonians 4, verse 13.
00:14:11.440 --> 00:14:15.279
The Bible is full of these stories because Jesus cried.
00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:17.360
He was grieving Lazarus.
00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:27.840
I was speaking to my kids about an hour ago, and they said, Um, my young one is very opinionated, and he said, I don't know why Jesus was crying if he knows he's gonna wake him up.
00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:30.399
And you can imagine he's seeing it with an attitude, right?
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:31.600
My 2000.
00:14:32.639 --> 00:14:37.919
But Jesus grieved Lazarus, even though he knew the miracle that's about to take place.
00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:49.360
David cried, Jeremiah cried, Naomi cried, Job cried, even Paul himself cried.
00:14:49.679 --> 00:15:03.600
The Bible is full of grieving people, which means grief is not a lack of faith, because when we read stories, when we read the testimonies of these people, it's not because they lacked faith.
00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:08.960
So let's start with the grief stages.
00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:20.399
You know, the the stages of grief, men and women of God, are not a checklist, they don't always happen in order.
00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:25.200
Some people revisit the stage months or even years later.
00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:38.399
In my own experience, I can tell you that I started to show grieving stages a year after the passing.
00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:41.840
Eleven months to be exact.
00:15:42.080 --> 00:15:49.600
The eleven months of that dressed in black period, I was just numb.
00:15:55.759 --> 00:15:56.879
But it's not delayed.
00:15:58.000 --> 00:15:59.840
Let's start with the first one.
00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:05.919
I want to speak about shock.
00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:10.720
That phone call that you get.
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:13.600
No, this can't be happening.
00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:20.879
The voice of the doctor telling you your loved one is no more.
00:16:23.440 --> 00:16:31.120
Shock is a is your mind's way of telling you you're overwhelming, you're from overwhelming pain.
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:37.679
An example is on Luke 24.
00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:45.679
You know, the the disciples after the crucifixion of Jesus, they struggled to comprehend what had happened.
00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:52.240
You can imagine someone that they've been following, someone that they believed in, someone who's been teaching them.
00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:54.159
They're feeling numb.
00:16:54.799 --> 00:17:00.240
You're going through emotions, you have difficulty concentrating.
00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:02.320
Did I hear what I heard?
00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:05.920
You feel detached.
00:17:07.279 --> 00:17:17.279
I remember driving to the accident scene where my husband passed away, and I can't tell you if the robots were in South Africa.
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:23.039
I'm going to say robots, not traffic lights, if any of them were green or red or amber when I passed.
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:24.960
All I know is I got there.
00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:29.359
Can you imagine?
00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:36.240
Shock is very, very dangerous.
00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:42.880
But I encourage you, it's not something you can plan.
00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:49.920
But if you just can imagine it, try to breathe.
00:17:51.839 --> 00:17:54.960
Don't pressurize yourself to make any major decisions.
00:17:55.039 --> 00:18:04.559
I know in that moment of the phone call, in the moment of the situation, you want to call people, you want to let everyone know, you want to start planning.
00:18:05.119 --> 00:18:10.000
Don't pressure yourself to do anything for that moment, just breathe.
00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:21.039
I encourage you with Isaiah 41, verse 10 that says, Do not fear for I am with you.
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:29.839
The second grief stage is denial.
00:18:32.960 --> 00:18:34.640
Maybe they're coming back.
00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:37.279
Maybe I'm dreaming.
00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:41.759
How many times do we watch in movies where they say please pinch me?
00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:49.279
Denial cushions the impact until your heart can absorb reality.
00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:55.920
Think of Mary Magdalene at the empty tomb.
00:18:58.240 --> 00:19:01.519
Imagine going there and there's no body.
00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:12.799
Mary Magdalene got there and said they they took they stole his body.
00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:16.160
That's denial.
00:19:19.039 --> 00:19:28.559
You know, when when I stood at the accident scene and the traffic cop was telling me that I'm sorry, this person is no more.
00:19:28.799 --> 00:19:33.440
I could I I couldn't apprehend anything else that she was telling me.
00:19:34.640 --> 00:19:37.440
But I don't know if this is going to make sense to anyone.
00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:42.480
I I heard her say that this person is no more.
00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:53.680
But I still wanted to go home with everything that had taken place, and you know, the forensics are there to take him and back, take him to the mochari.
00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:59.599
I wanted to go home and wait for him to come back so I can tell him what happened.
00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:02.720
Denial.
00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:12.400
I wanted to go home and wait for my husband so I can tell him that I went to an accident scene and they said he's no more.
00:20:15.119 --> 00:20:20.000
Some of you have lost your mother, the person who you would call first.
00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:22.240
But when you lost your mother, who'd you call?
00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:23.839
You felt alone.
00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:30.559
How many times would you call their phone?
00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:34.400
So just so you can listen to their voicemail, and you're like, maybe they'll answer.
00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:41.359
Can I just tell you, you are not crazy?
00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:47.279
It's just denial.
00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:51.920
And it's okay to experience this phase.
00:20:56.160 --> 00:21:02.640
Even as you're comforting a loved one, let them be in the stage.
00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:09.599
Let them go through it because these are emotions.
00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:15.200
You need to be able to speak honestly about the loss.
00:21:16.559 --> 00:21:19.279
Ask people around you, are you sure he's gone?
00:21:21.200 --> 00:21:22.720
Look at pictures.
00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:28.160
Journal your memories.
00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:32.720
Write it down, write how you were feeling because it could help someone.
00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:34.319
It could help you.
00:21:39.279 --> 00:21:47.039
Because then if you stay in that phase, then it leads you to the next grief stage, which is anger.
00:21:51.359 --> 00:21:53.599
Oh, I remember experiencing this.
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:59.759
I didn't know my voice could reach volume forty three, hey?
00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:03.200
Grief can do a number on you.
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:13.680
In my story, the Germiston Mochery was on a ghost law strike.
00:22:13.839 --> 00:22:22.319
I don't know if it was a city strike or a national strike or provincial strike, but they were on a ghost law.
00:22:22.640 --> 00:22:31.359
So they said we have a backlog, so you're gonna have to wait about three to four months for us to do a post mortem and release the body to have a funeral.
00:22:33.839 --> 00:22:43.440
Can you imagine a hot-headed 27-year-old at that time who has a four-year-old and a nine-year-old at home?
00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:48.559
Can you imagine how much anger I had in me?
00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:56.880
Can I just tell you that anger is grief wearing an armor?
00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:16.880
Because you can be angry with God, you're angry with yourself, you're angry with the doctors, you can be angry with family, angry with the person who left.
00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:30.319
I know someone who was so heartbroken because their mother passed away, she is the oldest of three kids, and now she has to be the mother.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:42.799
Now she is angry that I can't grieve losing my mother because now I have to be a mother to them.
00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:45.680
She's angry, rightfully so.
00:23:46.640 --> 00:23:49.200
You can be angry at life itself.
00:23:54.079 --> 00:24:06.079
Remember how Job questioned God openly with faith, but he still questioned if I have done anything, let me know.
00:24:08.880 --> 00:24:14.880
David poured out his raw emotions in the book of Psalms.
00:24:25.039 --> 00:24:28.880
God is not offended by honest questions, men and women of God.
00:24:29.119 --> 00:24:40.160
He invites us to bring those questions to him as you are angry, as you're asking why, as you're asking why me, as you're asking why my family, go to God with that.
00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:45.920
And I want you to ask yourself, who are you angry with right now?
00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:52.319
Who are you angry with?
00:24:58.000 --> 00:25:00.720
Let me move on to the next stage.
00:25:02.319 --> 00:25:06.720
There's a grief stage called bargaining.
00:25:07.119 --> 00:25:10.880
This one may be disguised as regret sometimes.
00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:14.400
The bargaining is if only.
00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:31.759
How many of you have actually asked yourself those questions?
00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:42.720
Started bargaining in your mind, started to build stories that maybe if I ate healthier, I wouldn't have had a miscarriage.
00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:47.279
Maybe if I tested sooner, I wouldn't have.
00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:51.839
Oh, and here's a new one.
00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:54.640
If only I had noticed sooner.
00:25:56.640 --> 00:26:00.720
Recently, we just lost a Bafana Bafana soccer player.
00:26:02.000 --> 00:26:15.359
And although there are still speculations about the nature of his passing, with the speculation of it being suicide, people are saying, why didn't people notice sooner?
00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:24.319
People are extracting certain pictures where he's sitting by himself, where he's having a conversation with himself, or he's just simply quiet.
00:26:24.480 --> 00:26:32.240
And the questions people are asking, the family and friends is why didn't you notice sooner that he wasn't okay?
00:26:35.440 --> 00:26:44.400
Is anyone in this room right now asking themselves that question after losing a loved one to self-harm?
00:26:47.119 --> 00:26:53.200
You know, the stage is filled with guilt and imagined alternative endings.
00:26:53.839 --> 00:26:58.640
You start to picture a different scenario of how this should have gone.
00:27:00.720 --> 00:27:07.440
You make up the what-ifs, you dream about them, and sometimes you plan and live your life around them.
00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:16.400
How many of our parents say we shouldn't avoid driving at night because they've lost someone to a car accident driving at night?
00:27:16.559 --> 00:27:20.000
So now you avoid driving at night because it's not safe.
00:27:32.240 --> 00:27:45.519
And she, her husband had flu, and she, you know, they self-medicated, got him all the cough mixtures, med lemons, and you should steam.
00:27:45.759 --> 00:27:48.640
And then a week goes by and he's not getting better.
00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:53.920
So she says, Let's just go to the hospital, let's go to the doctor and let's have you checked out.
00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:55.440
No, I'm fine.
00:27:55.680 --> 00:28:00.160
Then we are going to two weeks, and she says, You know what?
00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:01.680
I'm taking you to the hospital.
00:28:01.759 --> 00:28:03.119
It's in the middle of the night.
00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:05.200
You are not getting better.
00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:10.000
Takes him to the hospital two days later, he passes on.
00:28:13.519 --> 00:28:16.559
She regrets not taking him sooner.
00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:21.680
She regrets the self-medication, she regrets not going to the doctor.
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:24.960
Can you imagine what she's thinking right now?
00:28:25.119 --> 00:28:33.920
So now, with just a small cough from her children, she's going to the clinic, to the doctor, to the hospital.
00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:35.519
They need to attend to it.
00:28:36.079 --> 00:28:40.079
Just a small acne, small pimple, a runny nose.
00:28:40.240 --> 00:28:44.799
She is panicking with her children because she is living with the guilt.
00:28:47.279 --> 00:28:51.680
Why didn't I take him to the hospital sooner?
00:28:53.759 --> 00:28:55.759
And I'm not saying don't visit the doctor.
00:28:55.839 --> 00:29:07.440
I'm not saying don't have things checked out, but what I'm asking is, are you doing it out of fear, out of regret, out of bargaining from your loss?
00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:11.359
Or are you simply doing it for clinical care?
00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:17.599
Think of Martha.
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:23.680
Martha said to Jesus, Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.
00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:25.839
John 11, verse 21.
00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:29.279
Some of us are Martha sometimes.
00:29:31.200 --> 00:29:34.079
God, I did everything right to get this job.
00:29:34.319 --> 00:29:35.680
Now I lost it.
00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:40.079
God, I did everything right in this marriage.
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:41.599
It still ended.
00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:56.079
When you are grieving your identity, hoping for things that are still on the way.
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:03.359
And you say, God, but I've lived a good life.
00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:05.680
I've lived the life you wanted.
00:30:05.759 --> 00:30:06.559
I saved myself.
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:09.039
I'm waiting for the right man, but it's not coming.
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:10.079
He's not coming.
00:30:10.160 --> 00:30:11.920
The marriage is not coming.
00:30:17.359 --> 00:30:20.640
I want you to challenge that false guilt.
00:30:21.759 --> 00:30:27.200
Separate what you could control from what you couldn't.
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:40.559
So, with the example of the young widow, you can control self-medicating, taking the children to the doctor, getting the medicine.
00:30:41.039 --> 00:31:04.319
However, if it is time, if a tragedy happens, if the loss takes place, go to the Lord instead of if only go to the Lord and say, Help me trust you with what I cannot change.
00:31:08.160 --> 00:31:14.000
I'll move on to the next stage, and that is depression.
00:31:15.519 --> 00:31:17.519
Deep, deep sadness.
00:31:19.200 --> 00:31:22.079
This is not always clinical depression.
00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:28.240
I cannot diagnose you, but this is a profound heaviness.
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:40.079
You know when you lose motivation to do anything, you withdraw from other people, you struggle to life.
00:31:42.559 --> 00:31:45.920
When they say life is life, and you struggle to life.
00:32:06.720 --> 00:32:13.759
When you find yourself not wanting to even utter a word.
00:32:34.160 --> 00:32:36.480
I had to keep myself together.
00:32:37.680 --> 00:32:40.319
I had to remember that there is an assignment.
00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:45.759
I had to remember that there is more above me and there is something that needs to be done.
00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:48.319
I had to remember discipleship.
00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:59.599
Last year I was scheduled to be an MC for a woman's event, and I had to speak about healing in August, but July, I was burying my brother.
00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:09.440
I had to stand there and speak about healing when I had just chosen a coffin for my brother 30 days prior.
00:33:14.559 --> 00:33:22.319
The struggle, the withdrawal from others, that depression just hits you.
00:33:22.480 --> 00:33:24.319
You know, it makes me think about Elijah.
00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:28.880
Elijah wanted to give up after that overwhelming stress.
00:33:30.720 --> 00:33:37.519
If we read 1 Kings 19, sure, God responded first with rest.
00:33:39.119 --> 00:33:42.160
Aren't we in just a hurry for a resolution?
00:33:43.039 --> 00:33:47.279
But God responded to Elijah with rest and food.
00:33:51.279 --> 00:33:53.119
Let me nourish you first.
00:33:56.559 --> 00:34:00.799
And his presence before giving Elijah new direction.
00:34:02.880 --> 00:34:16.800
If you find yourself in this grieving stage, I need you to seek professional help if the sadness is persistent and overwhelming.
00:34:19.039 --> 00:34:24.000
But I also need you to try to keep a simple daily routine.
00:34:29.280 --> 00:34:36.239
After my brother's passing, I had to put reminders on my phone.
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:41.280
Every two hours I needed to put a reminder to drink water.
00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:46.880
Every four hours I needed to put a reminder that I need to snack on something.
00:34:48.079 --> 00:34:52.159
Once a day I had to remind myself take a walk.
00:34:54.960 --> 00:35:03.920
I had to remind myself sit with the kids worship even when you don't feel like singing.
00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:12.480
Depression can hit you really hard.
00:35:13.039 --> 00:35:25.039
And it also makes you replay the phone call, the event, the years of trying to make it work, the tragic moment.
00:35:25.440 --> 00:35:28.079
It makes you replay over and over.
00:35:36.079 --> 00:35:40.079
Here's another grief stage I want you to think about, and that is acceptance.
00:35:40.960 --> 00:35:44.480
This does not mean you are happy the loss happened.
00:35:44.719 --> 00:35:46.320
No, no, no.
00:35:47.599 --> 00:35:51.840
It means you acknowledge the reality of the loss.
00:35:54.960 --> 00:35:58.880
This is so heartbreaking, but please hear me, men and women of God.
00:35:59.360 --> 00:36:02.800
Acknowledge the reality of the loss.
00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:16.000
There's a time to laugh and there's a time to cry.
00:36:20.159 --> 00:36:22.719
You have cried for that loss.
00:36:25.599 --> 00:36:29.840
I need you to begin to move forward with it.
00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:40.079
This makes me think about Naomi returning to Bethlehem empty.
00:36:44.800 --> 00:36:51.920
This day and age we call them, we call it King a return soldier.
00:36:53.599 --> 00:36:57.280
Naomi even gave herself a name.
00:36:57.519 --> 00:37:04.320
She felt empty with nothing, no grandchild, no husband, no sons.
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:14.960
But God gradually restored her through other people.
00:37:16.159 --> 00:37:17.519
Ruth and Boaz.
00:37:19.599 --> 00:37:25.280
I want you to think of acceptance of loss as I miss them.
00:37:27.519 --> 00:37:28.960
I miss what I had.
00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:33.199
I wish it would have worked out.
00:37:36.320 --> 00:37:37.599
But I will live.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:43.920
Choose to live.
00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:55.199
And then the next grief stage will make sense, and that is meaning and purpose.
00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:58.159
This grief stage is meaning and purpose.
00:37:58.239 --> 00:38:08.719
You know, many of the the the grief specialists they recognize that people move beyond acceptance.
00:38:10.960 --> 00:38:14.800
Some of us have found renewed purpose in what has taken place.
00:38:14.880 --> 00:38:20.559
You know, this is where God can transform pain into testimony.
00:38:20.719 --> 00:38:27.599
This is where your your your your story starts that can help someone else to heal.
00:38:27.920 --> 00:38:30.000
I didn't choose to be a widow.
00:38:30.639 --> 00:38:33.280
I didn't choose to lose my brother.
00:38:33.679 --> 00:38:35.599
You didn't choose to divorce.
00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:51.840
But let's think about Romans 8 28 in action quickly.
00:38:52.159 --> 00:39:04.880
It reads, and we know that in all things, all things, not some of them, not only the good things that have happened in your life, not only the blessings that you have received.
00:39:05.039 --> 00:39:13.039
The Bible says, and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.
00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:18.960
Purpose does not erase pain, but it gives pain somewhere to go.
00:39:24.960 --> 00:39:27.199
I want you to notice something.
00:39:28.400 --> 00:39:34.880
Notice how, in all the grief stages I spoke about, none of them speak about time.
00:39:39.840 --> 00:39:42.559
And none of them speaks about the order.
00:39:55.519 --> 00:40:00.079
We may enter a season of grief and immediately remember our teachings.
00:40:05.360 --> 00:40:18.400
When you've learned how to find meaning and purpose in things that have happened to you, you immediately just want to get to the purpose of what is happening to you.
00:40:19.599 --> 00:40:29.119
And you don't acknowledge the anger, you don't acknowledge the depression, you don't acknowledge that bargaining of what could have happened.
00:40:39.760 --> 00:40:47.920
The stages that I've shared are the famous ones, if I can call it.
00:40:53.360 --> 00:41:00.480
You can find them anywhere, but they don't fully explain what grief feels like spiritually.
00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:08.960
Because today I want you to ask yourself: where is God in all of this?
00:41:09.599 --> 00:41:13.280
Where is God when the coffin is going down?
00:41:14.639 --> 00:41:17.599
Where is God when I'm signing those papers?
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:23.599
Where is God when I'm stepping out of my workplace for the last time?
00:41:23.840 --> 00:41:26.639
Not knowing where my next next meal will come from.
00:41:26.880 --> 00:41:28.960
Where is God in all of this?
00:41:29.280 --> 00:41:34.079
Where is God when you are lying in ICU, not knowing if you'll actually leave?
00:41:34.800 --> 00:41:37.519
People around you are dying.
00:41:38.320 --> 00:41:39.440
Where is God?
00:41:42.880 --> 00:41:46.719
I want to talk about the hidden stages of grief.
00:41:47.039 --> 00:41:55.519
These are not the clinical stages, but they are the common experiences that we go through that we don't really name.
00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:01.440
You know, I always go beyond, so you won't be shocked.
00:42:02.400 --> 00:42:06.159
In no particular order, I'm gonna start with the trigger grief.
00:42:06.320 --> 00:42:09.599
Now, this is the stage nobody warns you about.
00:42:11.199 --> 00:42:21.280
You can feel perfectly fine, and then all of a sudden, you smell the perfume that resonates with your loved one.
00:42:23.679 --> 00:42:35.280
You hear their favorite song, or you go past the hospital where your loved one passed on.
00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:45.039
My brother was driving a silver polo, and you can imagine how many polos are on the road.
00:42:45.360 --> 00:42:52.639
Men and women of God, I want you to imagine how many silver polos are on the road.
00:42:56.800 --> 00:43:01.760
Every time I saw it, they are everywhere.
00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:05.199
Every time I saw it, I thought about him.
00:43:05.920 --> 00:43:10.079
Especially because it's an unresolved case, you know.
00:43:12.639 --> 00:43:20.960
Trigger grief is just it just attacks you on a random moment.
00:43:24.079 --> 00:43:27.199
It could catch you when you're attending another funeral.
00:43:29.199 --> 00:43:31.199
Or how about divorce?
00:43:32.880 --> 00:43:40.559
How many couples do you see holding hands, chatting, laughing, and you're like, maybe a little failure in your ding?
00:43:41.199 --> 00:43:43.119
Isn't that triggering to you?
00:43:47.599 --> 00:43:49.679
The one who's lost a father.
00:43:50.400 --> 00:43:57.760
What do you do on Father's Day when there's one father you cannot honor in person?
00:44:02.239 --> 00:44:05.039
Or here's one that you don't think is a trigger.
00:44:05.280 --> 00:44:12.719
When you hear someone who sounds exactly like them, either the way they talk or the way they laugh.
00:44:16.559 --> 00:44:23.440
And then suddenly you are back right there, as if the funeral was taking place right now.
00:44:23.679 --> 00:44:26.480
And it's not because you haven't healed, please hear me.
00:44:26.639 --> 00:44:29.039
It's because grief has a memory.
00:44:31.039 --> 00:44:32.800
You will always remember.
00:44:41.280 --> 00:44:51.519
When I lost my brother, I realized because it was in the same manner, his death actually unlocked the grief of losing my husband.
00:44:51.599 --> 00:44:54.239
And it wasn't that God had failed to heal me.
00:44:54.480 --> 00:44:57.360
Please don't think God has failed to heal you.
00:44:57.599 --> 00:44:59.440
It was that grief remembered.
00:44:59.599 --> 00:45:03.119
You know, that sentence should stay with you.
00:45:03.280 --> 00:45:04.800
Grief remembers.
00:45:05.599 --> 00:45:07.599
Triggers are invitations.
00:45:08.159 --> 00:45:15.119
It's an invitation by God not to stay broken, but to notice that God still wants to heal.
00:45:16.960 --> 00:45:18.639
It's an invitation.
00:45:20.880 --> 00:45:23.760
The next one is a comparison grief.
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:27.360
We don't talk much about this, don't we?
00:45:29.199 --> 00:45:32.320
Have you ever heard people compare your grief?
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:40.400
Someone loses their boyfriend.
00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:45.840
And they're going to say, Ah, at least you were only dating, not married.
00:45:52.800 --> 00:45:59.840
Or you lose a loved one and they say, at least you got to say goodbye because they were sick.
00:46:06.159 --> 00:46:10.239
You lose your job, and someone says, At least you worked for some time.
00:46:11.760 --> 00:46:13.760
I haven't been working at all.
00:46:16.079 --> 00:46:19.679
Let me remind you, Jesus never ranked pain.
00:46:20.880 --> 00:46:23.199
He doesn't rank it from one to ten.
00:46:23.840 --> 00:46:26.239
Where is your pain level, dear child?
00:46:26.480 --> 00:46:27.599
He does not.
00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:31.920
I'll give you a few biblical examples.
00:46:32.239 --> 00:46:39.119
Jesus acknowledged the grief that the sisters were feeling when Lazarus died.
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:43.360
He didn't say, no, calm down, I'm gonna wake him up.
00:46:43.679 --> 00:46:46.320
He acknowledged their grief.
00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:52.159
He acknowledged the grief of the woman at the well who lost her identity.
00:46:52.800 --> 00:46:58.480
He acknowledged the grief of the woman who bled for 12 years not having an identity.
00:47:04.239 --> 00:47:12.159
Those are all types of grief, and he never rated one superior to the other, one more important to the other.
00:47:15.760 --> 00:47:21.920
So maybe this is more from you to others, the comparison grief.
00:47:22.719 --> 00:47:26.639
No one will ever understand what you are going through.
00:47:26.960 --> 00:47:33.760
However, in the eyes of the Lord, we are all grieving.
00:47:37.119 --> 00:47:39.199
Comfort one another.
00:47:46.159 --> 00:47:55.599
I just spoke about the woman at the well and the woman who was bleeding for many years.
00:47:57.039 --> 00:47:59.039
You know, identity grief.
00:48:00.559 --> 00:48:07.519
This is a big one because people think that you lose your spouse.
00:48:07.760 --> 00:48:08.079
Okay.
00:48:10.239 --> 00:48:14.960
But you know that you didn't just lose your spouse, your partner.
00:48:17.119 --> 00:48:22.239
You lost what you called I am somebody's something.
00:48:27.679 --> 00:48:34.320
I can no longer say, Oh, I have brothers, because I only have one left.
00:48:41.119 --> 00:48:48.239
My mother can't say, Oh, I have three kids, my son is working where, and then my daughter, then my son is in school.
00:48:48.480 --> 00:48:50.719
The one son is no longer here.
00:48:55.519 --> 00:49:01.119
How about that awkward moment when they say missus and you and you're like, no, I'm not missus anymore?
00:49:06.320 --> 00:49:12.400
You know, the loss, this type of loss, you you are thinking about what could have been.
00:49:14.880 --> 00:49:23.519
After my husband's passing, I remember the first big event in my life was my daughter going to camp for the very first time.
00:49:25.679 --> 00:49:28.000
We all we had everything prepared.
00:49:28.079 --> 00:49:32.559
We just waited for the day, but I had to drive her to school by myself.
00:49:32.719 --> 00:49:37.760
I had to watch her just walk away with the heavy suitcase, and she's so tiny.
00:49:38.000 --> 00:49:49.519
And that's a moment I knew that my daughter is going to experience a lot of monumental things without Ubabake being there to see it.
00:49:52.559 --> 00:50:09.519
You know, the version of yourself that existed before the phone call, before the loss, before the tragedy, before the doctor said, before the traffic upset, before you signed the papers, the version of yourself that existed before.
00:50:15.920 --> 00:50:24.960
You cry when you speak about motherhood, your own motherhood, because you remember yours is no more as well.
00:50:31.920 --> 00:50:33.119
Take comfort.
00:50:35.199 --> 00:50:39.119
Isaiah 61 says, He gives beauty for ashes.
00:50:41.679 --> 00:50:46.320
Oh, I I lived on that verse for many years.
00:50:47.280 --> 00:50:49.440
He gives beauty for ashes.
00:50:50.559 --> 00:50:53.599
Not just comfort, identity as well.
00:50:56.719 --> 00:50:58.960
I touched on this a little bit.
00:51:00.239 --> 00:51:04.960
Another one we don't speak about at grief stage is the fear of joy.
00:51:07.440 --> 00:51:10.960
Why are you afraid to be happy?
00:51:13.679 --> 00:51:20.320
Do you think it takes away from what you've lost?
00:51:21.039 --> 00:51:26.239
Do you feel guilty that you were smiling when you think you shouldn't be?
00:51:30.559 --> 00:51:37.519
To be happy during grief is to be happy as you're grieving.
00:51:39.920 --> 00:51:42.559
Because happiness once disappeared.
00:51:44.400 --> 00:52:07.840
So you try to sabotage it, you try to sabotage the smile, you try to sabotage the enjoyment, you don't celebrate, you don't want to love again, you don't want to have dreams again, you don't want to ask God for marriage again, you don't want to ask God for a baby again, you don't want to ask God for too big of a job because you might lose it again.
00:52:08.880 --> 00:52:12.320
How many times have you said, what if I lose it again?
00:52:22.800 --> 00:52:34.159
Ask yourself if you are in the stage where even something funny right in front of you, you just think, why am I smiling?
00:52:36.960 --> 00:52:47.519
Or as you're browsing through pictures of the loved one you lost, or the memories of what was once a happy relationship, friendship, marriage.
00:52:49.519 --> 00:52:55.119
And as you're smiling and you're laughing at what happened when you were taking that picture, you immediately were kalimela.
00:52:55.440 --> 00:52:57.280
No, Rose, it ended badly.
00:52:57.360 --> 00:52:58.880
Why are you smiling?
00:53:04.719 --> 00:53:10.880
Now the last grief stage I'm going to speak about is survivor's guilt.
00:53:15.119 --> 00:53:16.800
Survivor's guilt.
00:53:22.159 --> 00:53:27.440
I know of the um our perfect wedding.
00:53:27.519 --> 00:53:37.039
I could have the show wrong, who lost her husband and her child in a car accident, and she survived.
00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:40.159
She was badly hurt, but she survived.
00:53:40.880 --> 00:53:47.440
And over and over as she goes to do podcasts, she keeps on saying, Why did I survive?
00:53:55.360 --> 00:54:00.960
Or you look at people who you have made the assumption that they shouldn't be happy.
00:54:01.119 --> 00:54:03.920
Why is their marriage okay, but mine ended?
00:54:05.119 --> 00:54:10.320
Why does he still have a job when I work so hard and he doesn't?
00:54:14.559 --> 00:54:18.239
Why does she have seven kids and I can't even have one?
00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:23.599
It's possible to carry survivor's guilt.
00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:27.679
Why me not them?
00:54:33.599 --> 00:54:37.679
Now I want us to look at Luke 23.
00:54:42.880 --> 00:54:47.760
Imagine you have followed Jesus for three years.
00:54:48.960 --> 00:55:06.639
You've watched him heal people, raise Lazarus from the dead, open blind eyes, feed five thousand, walk on water, calm waters, all of these miracles, and then watch him die.
00:55:09.519 --> 00:55:13.280
I want you to imagine it for a moment, and then watch him die.
00:55:13.920 --> 00:55:16.559
Everything that you believed dies.
00:55:19.119 --> 00:55:20.800
Imagine the disappointment.
00:55:21.039 --> 00:55:24.800
Imagine the thinking, I left everything for this.
00:55:27.280 --> 00:55:30.880
I left everything for this, and now he's dead.
00:55:32.719 --> 00:55:34.639
Doesn't that sound familiar?
00:55:35.840 --> 00:55:39.840
Some of you sacrificed in your marriages and they still ended.
00:55:40.960 --> 00:55:45.840
Some of you sacrificed in your workplace and you still lost the job.
00:55:47.760 --> 00:55:56.000
Some of you sacrificed to take care of a terminally ill person with the hope that they will make it and they didn't.
00:55:58.400 --> 00:56:01.679
And the words, I left everything for this.
00:56:03.920 --> 00:56:05.840
Doesn't that sound familiar?
00:56:07.679 --> 00:56:11.599
Sometimes grief isn't just asking, why did they die?
00:56:11.920 --> 00:56:13.199
Why did it end?
00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:22.559
Sometimes you find yourself asking God, why didn't you stop it from happening?
00:56:23.119 --> 00:56:24.880
I know we've all been there.
00:56:26.159 --> 00:56:29.599
That is a question I know we have asked God.
00:56:29.840 --> 00:56:32.559
Why did you allow it to happen?
00:56:37.840 --> 00:56:44.880
The story on Luke 23 is quite interesting because I want to introduce the thieves that were beside Jesus.
00:56:45.760 --> 00:56:51.039
The first thief presents one way people grief.
00:56:51.920 --> 00:56:57.119
You know, it says, if you are the Messiah, save yourself and us.
00:56:58.159 --> 00:56:59.039
I dare you.
00:56:59.119 --> 00:57:01.519
It almost sounds like I dare you, doesn't it?
00:57:01.760 --> 00:57:10.079
You know, his pain became accusation, his disappointment became unbelief.
00:57:12.320 --> 00:57:18.000
How many people stopped praying because God didn't answer the prayer they expected?
00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:27.280
How many left church after burying a loved one?
00:57:30.400 --> 00:57:40.400
How many became angry because God didn't prevent the illness, the cancer, the car accident, the divorce, the retrenchment.
00:57:44.239 --> 00:57:48.320
But he represents disappointed faith.
00:57:51.599 --> 00:57:56.960
And we need to learn not to judge him because it's the pain that's speaking.
00:58:00.719 --> 00:58:05.440
And then I present to you the second thief next to Jesus.
00:58:06.000 --> 00:58:13.679
He experienced the same suffering, the same cross, the same nail, the same pain, but a different response.
00:58:16.079 --> 00:58:20.960
Because he says, Jesus, remember me.
00:58:24.559 --> 00:58:28.480
I want you to notice how this thief didn't ask to come down.
00:58:29.840 --> 00:58:32.719
He didn't ask for him to be remembered.
00:58:35.519 --> 00:58:39.119
Sometimes healing isn't asking God, take it away.
00:58:41.199 --> 00:58:49.760
Sometimes healing is praying to God and saying, Stay with me while I carry it.
00:58:52.800 --> 00:58:55.840
Stay with me while I carry it.
00:59:10.159 --> 00:59:11.519
So let me leave you with this.
00:59:11.679 --> 00:59:16.960
Sometimes God doesn't immediately change, change the circumstance.
00:59:17.599 --> 00:59:19.119
No matter the loss.
00:59:21.039 --> 00:59:23.119
He changes the destination.
00:59:25.920 --> 00:59:28.159
Jesus didn't remove the cross.
00:59:29.280 --> 00:59:31.360
He promised his presence.
00:59:33.599 --> 00:59:35.199
That's Psalm 23.
00:59:36.079 --> 00:59:45.199
You know, though I walk through the valley, not around through the valley.
00:59:50.960 --> 01:00:10.159
I always come to this platform and I speak about my own story because I want you to know I am not only speaking from reading the Bible, but I am speaking from a testimony that was taught from the words of the Bible.
01:00:11.199 --> 01:00:15.599
I prayed for my husband.
01:00:15.920 --> 01:00:19.119
I prayed that he was alive.
01:00:19.360 --> 01:00:20.559
I prayed.
01:00:23.360 --> 01:00:28.239
When I got the call about my brother, I prayed that he's alive.
01:00:31.119 --> 01:00:37.440
But for a season, I had to decide: would I become the first thief or the second?
01:00:38.960 --> 01:00:42.960
Would disappointment make me stop believing?
01:00:44.639 --> 01:00:53.840
Or would pain teach me to trust God even when I didn't understand what is happening?
01:00:57.760 --> 01:01:06.079
I'm asking you to keep your faith, even when you feel that you have been disappointed by God.
01:01:08.480 --> 01:01:12.239
And I know this is a conversation that many of us avoid.
01:01:14.079 --> 01:01:18.400
In the book of Psalms, David repeatedly asked, Why, Lord?
01:01:19.199 --> 01:01:22.400
You are allowed to ask why, Lord.
01:01:26.559 --> 01:01:30.000
Some of you are carrying the wrong question.
01:01:32.559 --> 01:01:34.480
Why did God allow this?
01:01:35.760 --> 01:01:45.360
Maybe tonight God is inviting us to ask, now that this has happened, where you are right now.
01:01:46.079 --> 01:01:51.519
Now that this has happened, you just buried a loved one over the weekend.
01:01:51.840 --> 01:01:57.440
Last week, last month, you just washed a body at the morti.
01:01:57.760 --> 01:01:59.679
You just chose a final outfit.
01:01:59.760 --> 01:02:04.559
You just moved out from a place you have been saving and working hard for.
01:02:04.800 --> 01:02:11.199
You just took back the car that you've been paying and loved for a couple of years back to the bank.
01:02:11.440 --> 01:02:16.960
Now that this has happened, will I still trust him?
01:02:20.639 --> 01:02:25.519
Back on Luke 23, the first thief lets suffering define his eternity.
01:02:26.880 --> 01:02:31.440
But the second thief lets suffering lead him to Jesus.
01:02:32.800 --> 01:02:35.360
They experienced the same cross.
01:02:36.719 --> 01:02:43.199
Their difference was not their pain, the difference was where they placed their hope.
01:02:45.360 --> 01:02:58.880
Now, men and women of God, as I close, I want you to please be able to call someone when you're not okay.
01:03:01.760 --> 01:03:05.760
Be able to receive a call from someone who's not okay.
01:03:06.639 --> 01:03:08.960
You don't have to have a solution.
01:03:09.280 --> 01:03:11.280
You don't have to know what to say.
01:03:11.679 --> 01:03:12.800
Just listen.
01:03:15.599 --> 01:03:18.559
I want you to be able to pray again.
01:03:20.320 --> 01:03:29.039
I want you to be able to read the word of God for your understanding, for your belief, for your faith, for you to be fed again.
01:03:32.400 --> 01:03:36.239
Jesus understands grief because he wept.
01:03:39.360 --> 01:03:47.519
God may not remove every scar, he may not bring back the dead, but he promises his presence and his restoration.
01:03:50.800 --> 01:03:53.360
I plead with you this evening.
01:03:53.920 --> 01:03:56.559
It is hard to get out of bed.
01:03:58.079 --> 01:04:00.559
It is hard not to cry.
01:04:01.679 --> 01:04:06.239
It is hard to believe that even tomorrow will be a better day.
01:04:08.079 --> 01:04:10.480
But go back to the Lord.
01:04:14.400 --> 01:04:17.039
This is a money-back guarantee.
01:04:17.360 --> 01:04:19.199
Go back to the Lord.
01:04:21.119 --> 01:04:28.800
And small, faithful steps will become the path to deep healing.
01:04:38.960 --> 01:04:39.599
Amen.
01:04:45.119 --> 01:04:46.559
And amen.
01:04:46.960 --> 01:04:47.599
Amen.
01:04:48.559 --> 01:04:49.199
Wow.
01:04:52.079 --> 01:04:53.199
We are learning.
01:04:53.360 --> 01:04:56.000
We are learning, and it is God's love.
01:04:56.719 --> 01:05:02.400
And we must know that He must love us so much that He would teach us all this.
01:05:02.880 --> 01:05:04.320
I'm grateful.
01:05:05.039 --> 01:05:07.280
I'm grateful for His love.
01:05:07.440 --> 01:05:08.800
Let us pray.
01:05:10.480 --> 01:05:15.519
Heavenly Father, indeed, you are a really loving God.
01:05:16.559 --> 01:05:19.039
You are a loving Father.
01:05:19.920 --> 01:05:22.079
Indeed, you are the God who sees.
01:05:23.760 --> 01:05:46.960
You are the God who knows the type of grief we are going through, whether we've lost our health, whether we are sick, whether we have lost our jobs, whether we've lost the loved ones, whether we um we have lost friendships, Lord, whether we are still just grappling with sorrow and pain, Lord, you know.
