Awakening Authenticity: Valeria Moraga’s Journey of Radical Acceptance and Creativity / Rock Bottom Ep. 005

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so I woke up this morning, I was laying in bed at around 11:00 AM I'm like, I need to get my ass outta bed.
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I need to get coffee.
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And literally as I'm having that thought, z Valeria, Hey, you wanna get coffee?
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Yeah.
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And I'm like, I'm like right now.
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She's like, yeah, let's go.
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Like, gimme 20 minutes.
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I'll be right there.
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And
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literally, we're at Abracadabra.
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We're at Abracadabra
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Magic Diner, having.
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Magic brownies.
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Magical moment.
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Magic brownies.
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Well these aren't
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Browning magic.
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Well, it's not a kind of
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magic.
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It has um, MAA in it and vegan and it's really good.
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Right?
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It's so good.
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We are really advertising this.
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Yeah.
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We're gonna plug in.
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Yeah, plug in.
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And we just met the owner and we just met the owner with their best friend of 35 years.
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35 years.
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35 freaking years.
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So we asked what's their, um, it's gonna be
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some good as SMR,
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35 years, five years.
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A friendship, but we asked what was their secret go?
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Their secret was, radical acceptance.
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Radical friendship acceptance.
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Also, it sounded like they didn't even have to try.
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'cause I was asking'em questions like, Hey, um, like, what were the hard times in your friendship?
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And they're like, oh, there were none.
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We just, you know, of course we lost touch with each other, but, and sometimes there's points where, you know, you just show up and help cook.
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'cause she was running a catering business.
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Yeah.
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And just be in space with each other no matter what.
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Yeah.
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You know, I, I do feel like a lot of people these days have so much boundaries.
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Mm.
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And, and I think that's, for me, it's just prevents it more of co-creation.
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Mm.
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Co-creation.
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Yeah.
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So just saying,
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you know, it's, it, it's beautiful too.
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'cause you could, the flip side of that is like.
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If you just hang out with people who you just vibe with.
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And I know we kinda use vibe a lot as a word, but it'll just naturally be,'cause I was talking to this guy named Cameron.
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Cameron with a k and I was asking him questions about like friendships and vibes and how to be a vibe.
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And it was just like, you know when the vibe's good, you're there.
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And then when it's not good you dip.
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And if people are friends with people that they shouldn't be friends with, the vibe's just not gonna be good.
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So if you're like, if your relationships are hard.
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That, that says a lot.
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You know, there's, there's always a saying of like, trust your gut.
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Mm-hmm.
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That says something.
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Yeah.
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So always go for that.
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Welcome back to the Rock Bottom Lounge, where we explore life's low points as growth points.
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I'm really excited to release this episode with Valeria Moraga, who is just a magical human being, multidisciplinary artist, and just a spiritual power host.
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In this episode, we explore Valeria's upbringing from the Philippines to Chicago, how they navigated gender identity and culture and tapping into the artist's way.
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Ultimately we go into how to find community radical acceptance and the continuous journey towards self-awareness and authenticity.
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So you can be your authentic, confident self.
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Thank you listeners for tuning in.
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We've surpassed 500 downloads so far, which is kind of crazy, so thanks for tuning in and let's continue.
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I'm really excited to be talking to you and just the serendipity of you messaging and now we're here.
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And also our color combination's.
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Great.
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'cause we, we both have contrast with this dark couch behind us.
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With our shirt
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again as Abra Magic Diner, Abra, this is the corner to be.
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But, um, I met you two months ago now.
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Yes.
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Short Mountain.
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In Short Mountain.
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Yeah.
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And when I met Valeria, I just felt this like majestic goddess mother presence from you and, I'm a huge believer in the wind speaks.
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I went to the park that my grandfather used to go to back in Switzerland and because my, my uncle showed me like, this is where your grandfather used to hang out and reflect on life.
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And I remember going there and sitting in the same bench that he used to reflect in.
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And I would ask questions and the wind would blow in certain ways.
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That's beautiful.
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And
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then there was a storm that came.
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But like everywhere was raining except around the park.
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Like I literally have a picture of it.
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You can just see like clear sky right above me and then storm from the side.
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And that's when I realized like, whoa, there's something here.
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And, and so fast forward to being at Short Mountain.
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You were giving an amazing, talk on Mother Nature and then you're like, I'm gonna call in the wind.
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And literally as you said, that it, it had not been windy all day.
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This huge gust of wind just comes in so intensely.
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And you're wearing this beautiful piece with like the, the tail feathers, the tool.
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Yeah.
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Like I had it in my headpiece and I was the wind, technically that was the road.
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And then the
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wind is like, is streaming these things.
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And I was like, wow.
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Whatever you're saying, like the wind agrees with you.
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No, that was, I mean, like, I'm getting teed up too.
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It's so interesting to be doing that moment and to really have an out body experience and the saying of like, you are the vessel and you surrender to it.
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And that, that was one of those moments that was like, oh, okay.
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That was, that was a message.
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That was something.
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So it was, it was such an honor,
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and I don't think I told you this, but at that moment I was literally looking around to be like, did this bitch bring a wind machine?
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Like.
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Is there like some massive generator on property that is like I, it, it was, it was literally like that.
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Yeah.
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And on you it was out in the field greens and we just had all, all of it.
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The sky was so beautiful.
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It was perfect timing.
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I mean, it just gives more context.
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And the piece that I did is called, Pangalay, it's an offering that you do, A majority of it is in, in special occasion and parties, someone getting, we.
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And I tied it more in the performance art way.
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So it was a bit slower.
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The music, which was um, um, grace Nono called and I realized the more I, I translated it, it's about coming home.
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Mm.
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And saying, I think I remember I was saying Father, mother, I'm fine.
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I'm coming from, and this is from the Philippines, right?
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Yeah.
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Wow.
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And it's the Taluk tribe, the movement with the long nail.
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So.
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Mm.
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It's a very water and wind movement.
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So doing it was pretty cool.
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Is the Taud tribe from the Philippines?
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Yes,
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the and the Ana.
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The more I really dig in and unearth my history and where I am from, granted I'm in the northern part of the Philippines.
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This is the southern part, so I'm just really reconnecting with that.
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I'm going back to authenticity.
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It just has more power and levity Wow.
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Of what you're bringing to the world,
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so Wow.
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Oh, so powerful.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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So if we kind of like flash forward through your life to right now, obviously you're being Goddess Energy summoning in the Wind, um, you also co-created a powerful play with a great group of people called us versus them.
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Yeah.
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Written by Chalice or Summer Minerva?
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Summer.
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Summer.
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Summer Minerva.
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Yeah.
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Good friend.
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Good friend of mine.
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Yeah.
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And what was so powerful about this play?
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And I hope it gets recorded so we can like drop the link in.
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I was crying when I saw it.
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And can I give it away a little bit?
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Like talk a little bit about it.
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Why not?
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Okay.
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With a lot of conflict in the world.
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It's really easy to take sides.
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I mean, it's very easy to take sides easy.
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but the reality is, is like we're all, we all come from one.
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And when we look at this through this lens of us versus them, we we're actually just creating trauma amongst each other and.
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We can't get past that and this beautiful play and how you just like, oh man, I don't even have the words.
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But it was just this beautiful take on what's happening in, Palestine slash Israel and, and everywhere.
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Everywhere.
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Everywhere there's war.
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Yeah.
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And you really just saw both sides of it and just realized how we're all just so broken and.
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Like it, man, I, I'm crying thinking about it.
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'cause it's something like, I don't know how anyone could not watch it and just be mood by it.
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Mm-hmm.
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Um, and I think we need more art form like that because a lot of times I think it's easier to take a stance and be like, oh, you're bad, or you support this, or you're bad, or which, you know, there's a lot to unpack.
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Um, but I think when you, the way you framed it was just very Wow.
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Yeah.
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And, and I think that's the work that we are doing, especially as artists now.
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It's so.
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That's, that's, that's the work.
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You know, I think Nina Simone said it, I might quote her wrong, but please forgive me, Nina, of like, what is the artist's job is to truly comment on the experience through your art.
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Mm.
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So, yeah.
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And I'm so grateful to be alive, to be able to do that now.
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Right.
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To just see the scope and the macro and the micro, what's going on.
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Mm.
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Ooh, it's, it's sometimes you just have to pinch yourself, like, yes.
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It's beautiful to be alive.
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Right?
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It's so beautiful.
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Yeah.
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Are reading these delicious brownies.
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Yeah.
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It's so good, by the way.
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So good.
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Maa Brownie and aika.
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That diner.
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We're good plugging in this diner because they're so sweet.
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I love them.
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Yes.
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They're so sweet so now you're here in this beautiful place.
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You're your full self.
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Um, still
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still in discovery.
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Still in discovery, yeah.
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Yeah, life's not over.
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It's not over.
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We got like 50, 60, 70, 80 years ahead of us.
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Ooh, more more than that.
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Yeah.
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Infinite.
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Infinite.
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Oh wow.
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You're right.
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Our life is infinite.
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It's eternal.
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It's never, yeah, and this plank, if you think about it,
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So on this world plane, we're still figuring it out, but you're in a really great space now.
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And I'm sure you still have your low points.
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I mean, I had my low points two days ago.
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But uh, it used to be even lower.
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And I would love to hear about your story.
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Where you came from, and some of the parts of navigating it.
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Hold.
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Please
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hold, please.
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That's a blender of your, uh, a famous Abra Diner tree.
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Yeah, that is a frozen drink.
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The frozen drinks are being made.
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Does
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Me too.
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It could be a good A SMR.
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Yeah, if you just listen to it.
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Just listen.
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Yeah.
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This is comedy now.
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Comedy
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night.
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Ooh.
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That feeling of shakes being put together.
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Yeah.
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Or are they grinding something?
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It sounds like a food processor or a juicer.
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It's a juicer.
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Well, anyway, if you're listening to this podcast, you're not here for the audio quality.
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You're here for this story.
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Yes sir.
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Go.
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Alright.
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So.
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Oh man.
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I just wanna like set up your story.
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Go.
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You are a beautiful soul and you're living a beautiful life right now.
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But it hadn't always been that way.
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You were, born in the Philippines, living with your family, having a very wonderful life there, but you felt you were in the wrong body and then you moved to the us.
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And then felt like you were double in the wrong body.
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Mm-hmm.
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As a first generation immigrant.
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misaligned with the gender and you eventually found yourself through your own journey.
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In topic one, like what was those rock bottom moments like?
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Like not feeling like you were yourself.
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It literally is about awareness, right?
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And I, I, I, I've always had this great intuitive way of, like, again, going back to your gut, trusting your gut, but I really didn't have the language in a lot of those.
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And let's talk about gender and what that is.
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I realized.
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There is a femininity that is living in all of us, and it was just a raise in a way that I couldn't reflect on because of the system that has been put in this land, and it was always there.
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Mm.
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So it, it, it took community, it took me moving.
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Specifically here in Brooklyn and having community to have that, I mean, ooh, where to start in terms of like the rock bottom?
00:12:49.162 --> 00:12:51.022
Well, why don't we go chronologically?
00:12:51.111 --> 00:12:51.442
Yeah.
00:12:51.652 --> 00:12:54.741
And we'll use age as a marker, even though age doesn't mean anything.
00:12:54.741 --> 00:12:57.621
Sometimes it, you know, we all like to compare ages.
00:12:57.621 --> 00:12:57.623
I
00:12:57.772 --> 00:12:58.611
I be careless.
00:12:58.611 --> 00:12:59.241
I I'm ancient.
00:12:59.481 --> 00:12:59.751
So the
00:12:59.751 --> 00:13:01.611
listeners might appreciate Yes.
00:13:01.701 --> 00:13:02.211
Oh, okay.
00:13:02.211 --> 00:13:02.812
You're ancient.
00:13:02.991 --> 00:13:03.471
Always.
00:13:03.471 --> 00:13:04.221
Forever and ever.
00:13:04.261 --> 00:13:06.721
So before you were eight, what was life like in the Philippines for you?
00:13:06.772 --> 00:13:14.522
Think rural, I saw cows in the morning passing by making those sounds and the roosters.
00:13:14.522 --> 00:13:18.782
So it's very, that type of rural, but still has a neighborhood.
00:13:19.532 --> 00:13:22.942
And I just remember the class system was all over the place.
00:13:22.942 --> 00:13:26.782
It wasn't like a neighborhood where all the middle class is here.
00:13:27.381 --> 00:13:29.812
It was about who bought the land specifically.
00:13:29.812 --> 00:13:32.471
So you were with people of all type.
00:13:32.711 --> 00:13:37.861
So I was playing with kids that were squatters, low income.
00:13:37.861 --> 00:13:42.782
Um, my grandparents were well off in their middle class.
00:13:42.861 --> 00:13:48.611
What was it like being the kid who came from the landowners playing with the squatter kids?
00:13:48.662 --> 00:13:50.402
Were any of you even aware of that as kids?
00:13:50.402 --> 00:13:50.611
No.
00:13:51.211 --> 00:13:53.591
I think that's the beauty of our, innocence there.
00:13:53.802 --> 00:13:55.692
But I started getting, police.
00:13:56.037 --> 00:14:01.287
I had a nanny, so they were like, you're not even my, like, you're not allowed to play.
00:14:01.437 --> 00:14:02.006
You have to stay.
00:14:02.006 --> 00:14:04.076
So the adults had the problem with you hanging out with
00:14:04.076 --> 00:14:04.136
the
00:14:04.136 --> 00:14:05.126
squatter kids?
00:14:05.157 --> 00:14:05.518
Yeah, yeah.
00:14:05.976 --> 00:14:08.527
Think of, um, what, what's that movie?
00:14:08.527 --> 00:14:10.596
Um, million Dollar Baby, not Million Dollar Baby.
00:14:10.657 --> 00:14:12.876
Um, it's an India, some dog millionaire.
00:14:13.086 --> 00:14:13.267
Yeah.
00:14:13.956 --> 00:14:16.417
That kind of energy within that context.
00:14:16.537 --> 00:14:17.106
Wow.
00:14:17.167 --> 00:14:17.437
Yeah.
00:14:17.736 --> 00:14:24.356
So what were you thinking when your grandma was saying, Or your nanny, sorry, was suggesting you can't hang with those kids.
00:14:25.346 --> 00:14:31.017
Of course I rebelled, you know, so now I want to, what were your favorite memories with those kids?
00:14:33.326 --> 00:14:41.636
Actually, this one still stick in my mind and'cause I think they were trying to find money.
00:14:42.236 --> 00:14:47.162
So coin, so apparently, uh, there's um, there's, what do you call it?
00:14:48.206 --> 00:14:50.697
Not the tunnel where like the river's flowing.
00:14:50.817 --> 00:14:51.086
Mm.
00:14:51.116 --> 00:14:52.376
But it's like dirty.
00:14:52.466 --> 00:14:53.991
There's the water flow, what would call that?
00:14:53.991 --> 00:14:55.047
Like a storm drain or?
00:14:55.136 --> 00:14:55.856
Yeah, like a drain.
00:14:55.856 --> 00:14:57.567
But you, it's like about this big.
00:14:57.716 --> 00:14:58.047
Yeah.
00:14:58.076 --> 00:15:03.836
So I will watch them and they would just dig and they're trying to find money and I was like, oh my God, I want to help them.
00:15:05.037 --> 00:15:08.336
And it's like, mine is black and like dirty.
00:15:08.517 --> 00:15:09.807
So I started doing it.
00:15:09.807 --> 00:15:12.792
I just remember my nanny just like, pick me up, you're not allowed.
00:15:13.371 --> 00:15:14.711
And I was like, why?
00:15:14.951 --> 00:15:15.751
I wanna help them.
00:15:16.384 --> 00:15:18.664
So that was like my earliest moment.
00:15:18.664 --> 00:15:19.205
Wow.
00:15:19.294 --> 00:15:28.414
You know, it's crazy the innocence we have when we're kids and then we start to learn these class structures or like, oh, you can associate with those people, but you can't associate with those.
00:15:28.414 --> 00:15:37.325
And you fast forward over time and because you're getting that feedback constantly, you end up becoming very anxious because it's like, oh, well now I gotta be in the right social status.
00:15:37.424 --> 00:15:42.524
Now add, Colonization under that and the binary out of that.
00:15:42.924 --> 00:15:49.695
And Philippines has been bought by Spain and and then bought by America.
00:15:49.745 --> 00:15:52.835
You realize a lot of it too is like some people lose.
00:15:53.195 --> 00:15:54.875
What tradition is in the Philippines?
00:15:54.875 --> 00:16:03.450
I'm curious what it's like to, grow up in a culture that has been colonized by multiple, you know, the Spaniards, the Chinese, the Americans.
00:16:04.629 --> 00:16:09.940
That Japanese, the Japanese, how does that play into the, uh, sense of identity?
00:16:10.669 --> 00:16:12.039
My friend said this.
00:16:12.100 --> 00:16:14.409
Your erased, right?
00:16:14.710 --> 00:16:18.230
And it's really s scrambling for, for tradition.
00:16:18.245 --> 00:16:21.644
A lot of Filipinos are in the Catholic regime.
00:16:22.394 --> 00:16:23.565
And that's hard.
00:16:23.695 --> 00:16:29.794
For me I had to dig deeper, Especially even the two-spirit and the transness, the queerness of it all.
00:16:30.065 --> 00:16:30.184
Mm-hmm.
00:16:30.424 --> 00:16:36.394
So it's hard'cause a lot of people in the culture too are still trying to figure out what.
00:16:36.860 --> 00:16:40.669
Fits for them, and it's literally creating your own tradition again.
00:16:41.149 --> 00:16:45.559
And then, you know, now, I mean there is language more if you have to seek it.
00:16:46.009 --> 00:16:51.320
The people are doing the culture bearer work, you know, the, what you saw in the land when I did it.
00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:55.100
I, I'm still in process of figuring all those out.
00:16:55.100 --> 00:17:01.759
But I need to surround myself, people that are a bearer of the culture and you have to relearn a lot of it.
00:17:01.850 --> 00:17:01.909
Wow.
00:17:02.179 --> 00:17:04.325
And really the word is It was tough.
00:17:04.595 --> 00:17:13.085
'cause it's like you were taught this one thing that you were trying to find clarity of your humanity, but it's a lot of it, it's still coverage.
00:17:13.085 --> 00:17:14.494
I mean, if it works for you.
00:17:14.494 --> 00:17:14.704
Yes.
00:17:15.694 --> 00:17:22.325
You know, for me as a young, young, young, young human, I was like, why are we in here?
00:17:22.325 --> 00:17:31.325
We're going in church every Easter and it's truly is about creating something that speak for you with the context.
00:17:31.325 --> 00:17:36.154
For me, I have to surround myself with the culture bearers and the knowledge of that.
00:17:36.154 --> 00:17:38.194
And I'm still am, you know, it's a never,
00:17:38.734 --> 00:17:39.335
never ending.
00:17:40.055 --> 00:17:43.375
So then, at nine you move here, which is like the ultimate colony.
00:17:43.390 --> 00:17:44.170
If you will.
00:17:44.410 --> 00:17:44.559
Yeah.
00:17:45.730 --> 00:17:49.289
Um, what, not only did you grow up in a colonized place, now you've moved to this new colony.
00:17:49.650 --> 00:17:53.640
Um, you, at what age are you starting to realize like you're not in the right body?
00:17:54.009 --> 00:17:56.769
It was really tough going to college too and everything.
00:17:56.829 --> 00:17:58.779
'cause you were really like put in a box.
00:17:59.125 --> 00:17:59.964
Mm, type.
00:18:00.355 --> 00:18:01.825
So not until I moved to the city.
00:18:02.214 --> 00:18:03.055
And what age was that?
00:18:04.644 --> 00:18:06.355
2006.
00:18:06.625 --> 00:18:07.404
22.
00:18:07.464 --> 00:18:07.944
21.
00:18:08.154 --> 00:18:08.694
21.
00:18:09.025 --> 00:18:09.595
Yeah.
00:18:09.654 --> 00:18:10.734
So fresh outta college?
00:18:10.765 --> 00:18:14.125
Yeah, just like hungry.
00:18:14.634 --> 00:18:15.085
Hungry.
00:18:15.134 --> 00:18:19.904
I got to live the night life.
00:18:20.055 --> 00:18:20.444
Mm-hmm.
00:18:20.894 --> 00:18:25.605
I was so curious about it, of spaces and there were so many queerness that was happening.
00:18:25.724 --> 00:18:28.904
You know, the drag scene, you know, I used to back up dance.
00:18:29.174 --> 00:18:29.384
Yeah.
00:18:29.384 --> 00:18:30.494
For a lot of drag queens.
00:18:31.394 --> 00:18:42.954
One especially peppermint, and I realized like, oh, going back to mirror work of oh, these people see who I am compared to when I was going in a lot of the dance or theater.
00:18:43.329 --> 00:18:46.210
Auditions, like, oh, you have to be this in order to be that.
00:18:46.210 --> 00:18:47.164
Instead of like, and you,
00:18:47.170 --> 00:18:50.470
you were backup dancing with drag queens when you moved to the city.
00:18:51.069 --> 00:18:52.150
Well, I found it, yeah.
00:18:52.150 --> 00:18:52.509
And I was like,
00:18:52.539 --> 00:18:53.289
oh my God, would you like,
00:18:53.289 --> 00:18:53.829
sure,
00:18:54.910 --> 00:18:56.019
let's do, it's fun.
00:18:56.529 --> 00:18:58.630
You were getting paid 20 bucks, but go for it.
00:18:58.839 --> 00:18:59.440
Wow.
00:18:59.950 --> 00:19:04.779
So at this point, like especially in the college years, you were trying to fit in as a boy?
00:19:04.779 --> 00:19:04.900
No.
00:19:05.545 --> 00:19:07.259
And a chorus boy, as you could say,
00:19:07.579 --> 00:19:08.059
a chorus boy.
00:19:08.059 --> 00:19:09.744
But I was like playing, you know, you were pretty out there.
00:19:09.744 --> 00:19:09.924
You, yeah.
00:19:10.170 --> 00:19:10.460
Okay.
00:19:11.394 --> 00:19:14.984
Yeah, I was playing the leading man and everything but I wasn't really planted.
00:19:15.404 --> 00:19:17.894
At what point would you say was like your deepest rock bottom?
00:19:17.894 --> 00:19:20.924
If you think of your, and how old are you now, if you don't mind me asking?
00:19:20.924 --> 00:19:21.795
I'm 900.
00:19:21.855 --> 00:19:22.515
900.
00:19:22.515 --> 00:19:23.355
I'm turning.
00:19:23.444 --> 00:19:24.494
And in my forties.
00:19:24.855 --> 00:19:25.634
You're in your forties.
00:19:26.055 --> 00:19:27.015
No, fucking way.
00:19:27.900 --> 00:19:28.380
Shocking, right?
00:19:30.285 --> 00:19:30.855
Shocking.
00:19:31.035 --> 00:19:37.214
The magic of meditation and care truly self preserve
00:19:37.214 --> 00:19:37.305
you.
00:19:37.934 --> 00:19:38.595
I believe that.
00:19:38.744 --> 00:19:39.494
Yeah, I believe that.
00:19:39.704 --> 00:19:42.075
And lots of water and unprocessed foods.
00:19:42.075 --> 00:19:42.944
You wear sunscreen.
00:19:43.201 --> 00:19:43.501
Okay.
00:19:43.501 --> 00:19:44.251
And some sunscreen.
00:19:45.061 --> 00:19:46.471
Sleep good.
00:19:46.471 --> 00:19:48.481
Sex and water.
00:19:49.142 --> 00:19:49.741
And water.
00:19:50.342 --> 00:19:51.271
That's the trifecta.
00:19:51.271 --> 00:19:51.332
Yeah.
00:19:51.902 --> 00:19:55.416
So what would you say like your rock bottom was and at what point of your life is it?
00:19:55.589 --> 00:20:02.728
Actually, my third relationship in New York, they left right away within a week, and I was just in shock.
00:20:03.097 --> 00:20:12.265
And then I booked a gig in Florida and decided to drive across America after it and lived in la.
00:20:13.464 --> 00:20:14.244
I think that was my wife.
00:20:14.244 --> 00:20:14.515
What age
00:20:14.515 --> 00:20:15.085
was this?
00:20:16.734 --> 00:20:18.910
35, I
00:20:18.910 --> 00:20:19.029
think.
00:20:19.029 --> 00:20:19.765
35.
00:20:20.095 --> 00:20:20.335
Okay.
00:20:20.335 --> 00:20:22.855
So maybe I'm kind of jumping around a bit here.
00:20:22.855 --> 00:20:27.025
So like let's actually just go through the chronological timeline of life and then we'll talk about that.
00:20:27.444 --> 00:20:33.025
So, uh, so the 21 year you moved to New York City, what are you finding now that you're here in the city?
00:20:33.894 --> 00:20:37.835
Community embodiment and creativity.
00:20:37.954 --> 00:20:39.125
Massive creativity.
00:20:39.244 --> 00:20:40.115
Abundance.
00:20:40.174 --> 00:20:40.625
Yeah.
00:20:40.805 --> 00:20:41.105
Yeah.
00:20:41.105 --> 00:20:44.674
Can you tell me a bit about your twenties, like some of the highlights, the lowlights,
00:20:44.674 --> 00:20:45.724
well, I studied opera.
00:20:46.700 --> 00:20:49.940
In music theater in Ohio, Marvin Wallace.
00:20:49.940 --> 00:20:56.569
And it was that system that like, you get to go to New York after and be on Broadway.
00:20:56.750 --> 00:20:56.779
Mm.
00:20:57.380 --> 00:20:58.519
And that was the goal.
00:20:58.849 --> 00:20:59.210
Yeah.
00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:02.430
So it still is, it's just veered off in a different way.
00:21:02.799 --> 00:21:06.609
You know, discovered nightlife discovered more creativity.
00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:12.150
What were some things that you did in your twenties, fresh outta school, moving to the city that became.
00:21:12.555 --> 00:21:17.934
Great investments that if you look back now, you're like, wow, I'm so happy I did this when I was in my twenties.
00:21:17.934 --> 00:21:23.095
We have someone sitting right here who's, you know, 21, just moved to the city.
00:21:23.431 --> 00:21:26.310
find a space where you can really.
00:21:26.448 --> 00:21:34.788
Talk to your mental capacity of what has happened to you to someone that you and may be.
00:21:37.298 --> 00:21:37.893
Oh, look at that.
00:21:37.893 --> 00:21:39.093
Music is going now.
00:21:39.123 --> 00:21:40.232
Is this gonna be too loud?
00:21:40.292 --> 00:21:44.252
Music's beautiful, but I'm afraid our audio might need to be moved.
00:21:44.462 --> 00:21:45.303
We're gonna pause.
00:21:45.633 --> 00:21:46.083
Yeah, we're gonna
00:21:46.083 --> 00:21:47.913
pause and enjoy this music.
00:21:47.942 --> 00:21:49.173
Yeah, stay tuned.
00:21:49.292 --> 00:21:53.282
TBD, we can do a little sing song here.
00:21:53.282 --> 00:21:55.038
Do you want to I can.
00:21:55.038 --> 00:21:55.040
Can you sing?
00:21:55.040 --> 00:21:55.952
I can take us away.
00:22:01.347 --> 00:22:02.813
It's Saturday at.
00:22:12.157 --> 00:22:12.488
Tune.
00:22:13.013 --> 00:22:13.854
All right, we're live.
00:22:13.854 --> 00:22:21.054
So speaking of synchronicity, um, I just now got royalty free background music for the intro.
00:22:22.913 --> 00:22:23.844
Technically, bitch,
00:22:24.114 --> 00:22:24.834
you better.
00:22:24.894 --> 00:22:26.334
I mean, it's ambient sound.
00:22:26.513 --> 00:22:27.743
Are we, are we tagging them?
00:22:27.743 --> 00:22:28.193
Look at me.
00:22:28.193 --> 00:22:28.794
I'm sound like.
00:22:29.364 --> 00:22:30.084
Yeah, we, we'll tag them.
00:22:30.114 --> 00:22:30.773
Yeah, we'll tag them.
00:22:30.894 --> 00:22:32.394
Link in the bio, link in the bottom.
00:22:34.134 --> 00:22:37.314
So we are basically talking about the journey of your life.
00:22:37.433 --> 00:22:37.854
Yes.
00:22:37.854 --> 00:22:41.273
Um, from eight years old or nine years old, moving here.
00:22:41.634 --> 00:22:44.693
Um, you're doing college studying and then you moved to the city.
00:22:44.993 --> 00:22:45.503
Yes.
00:22:45.564 --> 00:22:51.923
Um, and we're looking at your twenties and you're gonna share with us some really great decisions you made.
00:22:52.808 --> 00:22:59.108
And maybe some things that you would do differently, assuming that 21-year-old you is sitting here.
00:22:59.229 --> 00:22:59.528
Yeah.
00:22:59.828 --> 00:23:05.648
And, uh, you're just like, Hey, hey, hey, I, I finally figured out time travel and now I'm talking to you.
00:23:05.679 --> 00:23:07.058
Hey, here's what you need to know.
00:23:07.058 --> 00:23:07.269
Here's
00:23:07.269 --> 00:23:08.199
what you need to know.
00:23:08.199 --> 00:23:10.568
Time traveler, truly fine.
00:23:10.838 --> 00:23:14.648
Maybe therapy or someone that you trust that you can truly.
00:23:15.894 --> 00:23:17.933
Like tell what's going on with you?
00:23:17.933 --> 00:23:39.433
You know, I think I didn't grow up with access on any of that, and even my parents as immigrants, just figuring out how to live and put food in the table and housing, and we were, I was in survival mode constantly, so I wasn't really aware of the trauma and, and everything that was like, wanted to be expressed.
00:23:39.794 --> 00:23:42.223
It was very suppressed and in a way that.
00:23:42.659 --> 00:23:52.078
I mean, I'm, I'm so happy that I'm still, you know, I'm alive here talking to you, that I'm able to process that without major harm.
00:23:52.259 --> 00:23:52.648
Mm.
00:23:52.679 --> 00:24:03.598
You know, I realized that, and yes, I had some like low moments of like form of addiction and any of that, but I survive.
00:24:03.713 --> 00:24:04.003
Yeah.
00:24:04.009 --> 00:24:04.469
Yeah.
00:24:04.469 --> 00:24:10.858
And yeah, that's one thing, you know, really find someone that can.
00:24:11.818 --> 00:24:12.419
Here you out.
00:24:12.568 --> 00:24:13.048
Mm.
00:24:14.368 --> 00:24:15.598
So it's out there.
00:24:15.773 --> 00:24:15.993
So,
00:24:16.169 --> 00:24:20.308
so the good things you did do was find people you could talk to, find community.
00:24:20.308 --> 00:24:21.269
I didn't, that's the thing.
00:24:21.328 --> 00:24:21.838
Oh, you didn't?
00:24:21.959 --> 00:24:29.929
So that was one of the hardest thing that I had to really, I mean, even till today, but now you know, I have such a great community that mirror each other in a way.
00:24:30.169 --> 00:24:35.898
So if you're 21 in the city, you wanna find community now a lot sooner?
00:24:36.378 --> 00:24:36.558
Yes.
00:24:37.398 --> 00:24:39.858
It's hard, but the resources are there.
00:24:39.858 --> 00:24:43.068
I mean, use your Instagram, whatever that you're using.
00:24:43.699 --> 00:24:49.848
'cause it's out there and it's just being very intentional on how you're want to build.
00:24:50.659 --> 00:24:51.048
So,
00:24:51.469 --> 00:24:59.328
and what are some things that, uh, you did do well that you're like, damn, I'm happy I made that decision or did that thing in my twenties?
00:24:59.989 --> 00:25:04.429
For me, I really found the underground culture of queerness.
00:25:04.788 --> 00:25:06.169
nightlife in New York.
00:25:06.219 --> 00:25:16.719
I was a club kid in my late twenties and realized I found my creativity there other than my career that I was like doing.
00:25:17.199 --> 00:25:24.798
A lot of the things that I wasn't being able to express because I was living what I was supposed to live by in terms of a boy.
00:25:25.159 --> 00:25:34.098
And at night I found this beautiful creature of divine feminine create, creating a look, I got in front of the line.
00:25:34.098 --> 00:25:35.269
I didn't have to wait.
00:25:35.358 --> 00:25:36.078
Mm.
00:25:36.229 --> 00:25:51.073
You know, there was this camaraderie of other creatives and club kids and fems and trans folks drag queens that it was like, oh, there was, there was a lot of that happening.
00:25:52.063 --> 00:25:53.323
So it's powerful.
00:25:54.192 --> 00:25:54.462
Yeah.
00:25:54.462 --> 00:25:56.022
That's one thing that I was like, oh.
00:25:56.067 --> 00:25:56.127
Yeah.
00:25:56.907 --> 00:25:57.147
What would
00:25:57.147 --> 00:26:04.798
you say to someone's parents who might be thinking, oh, that might have been negative or you might have been being groomed you know, people who.
00:26:04.798 --> 00:26:11.877
Have an issue with maybe their kids, uh, finding these communities that might make the parents feel very uncomfortable.
00:26:11.907 --> 00:26:13.678
'cause they have a feeling about it.
00:26:13.857 --> 00:26:15.748
That's where they need to question themselves.
00:26:15.748 --> 00:26:21.298
I mean, at the end of the day, it is safety for their, you know, I'm going through it with my parents constantly.
00:26:21.567 --> 00:26:25.077
Do your parents ever question you or, um, are they mostly sports?
00:26:25.077 --> 00:26:25.438
Yes.
00:26:25.438 --> 00:26:26.097
Always.
00:26:26.097 --> 00:26:26.098
Always.
00:26:26.208 --> 00:26:30.708
But one thing I've learned is literally ask your parents for your.
00:26:30.708 --> 00:26:32.597
Sovereignty in your happiness.
00:26:32.653 --> 00:26:41.113
Because the more you police it, the more makes the kid, be a rebel and really go the other way.
00:26:41.782 --> 00:26:43.133
You can't imprison it.
00:26:43.343 --> 00:26:43.373
Mm.
00:26:43.942 --> 00:26:47.182
And that's the hardest thing about us, I wanna say queer folk.
00:26:47.512 --> 00:26:47.962
Mm.
00:26:48.083 --> 00:26:50.363
And it's hard.
00:26:50.633 --> 00:26:52.732
And you need to give them permission.
00:26:53.452 --> 00:27:06.682
I think who said Angelica Rod's famous, uh, trans activist is like you were put in this world for your parents to really challenge more of what your experience is.
00:27:06.742 --> 00:27:07.222
Mm.
00:27:07.702 --> 00:27:16.073
And I think that was, that's every queer, marginalized person that is being born in this world right now.
00:27:16.073 --> 00:27:17.182
And it really is.
00:27:17.482 --> 00:27:18.923
You, you get to question.
00:27:19.657 --> 00:27:29.557
I love your, a lot of your belief system because we are living in our authenticity in a way, you know, of course within context of safety.
00:27:29.678 --> 00:27:41.377
You know, I'm not gonna be like a drug lord or I don't know, whatever that lifestyle is, but I know, I know what I am and what this existence at this moment,
00:27:42.218 --> 00:27:42.458
you know?
00:27:43.597 --> 00:27:44.137
Yeah.
00:27:44.557 --> 00:27:45.637
That's really well said.
00:27:45.798 --> 00:27:50.298
When I think back to my youth, uh, it was actually the queer spaces I think got me through high school.
00:27:50.597 --> 00:27:58.097
And it was knowing that I had those spaces and growing up in Florida especially where they're like starting to remove these spaces and you can't even like have these spaces anymore.
00:27:58.637 --> 00:28:01.758
I think parents think like, oh yeah, now the school's becoming safer.
00:28:01.788 --> 00:28:06.468
'cause, you know, if, if they were never shown that to begin with, they would've never had these desires.
00:28:06.468 --> 00:28:06.528
Yeah.
00:28:06.587 --> 00:28:15.738
But, um, clearly even in you, probably as young as a kid, you probably had, you had these realizations that you were different and multis spirited
00:28:15.871 --> 00:28:19.171
It's all ingrained into us, so it's really.
00:28:20.445 --> 00:28:30.645
Finding language, finding elders that are actually doing it, or the people that are actually doing the work that you're doing and get yourself the language.
00:28:30.855 --> 00:28:32.596
Be, be curious.
00:28:33.105 --> 00:28:38.435
And I think that was the thing that really got me where I am now is my curiosity of, of living.
00:28:38.756 --> 00:28:39.865
Always question it.
00:28:39.955 --> 00:28:42.865
Always question everything, you know, but don't go crazy.
00:28:43.855 --> 00:28:43.915
Yeah, yeah.
00:28:43.915 --> 00:28:46.645
Put yourself in a mental spiral, but, oh
00:28:46.645 --> 00:28:47.185
yeah.
00:28:47.715 --> 00:28:49.455
Was there anything you would've done differently in your 20th?
00:28:51.371 --> 00:28:52.990
Save, save,
00:28:53.080 --> 00:28:53.770
save,
00:28:53.770 --> 00:28:55.121
save financially.
00:28:55.121 --> 00:28:55.510
Yeah.
00:28:55.540 --> 00:28:58.270
And, and that comes a lot of psychology too.
00:28:58.540 --> 00:29:10.901
That's one thing I realized of lack of um, lack of abundance or that, that mentality, you know, and I realize a lot of immigrant people that are coming are defined.
00:29:11.050 --> 00:29:13.631
Unless you come from money, that's a different thing, you know?
00:29:13.685 --> 00:29:19.721
That was the thing that I had, that my parents never taught, And it's really your relationship with abundance.
00:29:20.590 --> 00:29:21.070
Ooh.
00:29:21.471 --> 00:29:32.131
It's about a abundance mentality and really knowing how to look at that in the bigger spectrum I survived with a credit card and$500 in New York City when I moved here.
00:29:32.181 --> 00:29:38.093
What would you say to people who might be hesitant to come to New York City because they think it's too expensive and they don't have a job lined up.
00:29:38.093 --> 00:29:39.053
I mean that's on you.
00:29:39.738 --> 00:29:40.508
Just make it happen.
00:29:40.607 --> 00:29:43.762
So that's lack of, you know, all of that.
00:29:43.762 --> 00:29:55.133
You already conceived the notion of yes, it is expensive, I've experienced it, but where I am right now and I know that the possibilities is out there.
00:29:55.133 --> 00:29:57.083
So it's really, I mean, saved.
00:29:57.698 --> 00:29:57.938
Mm.
00:29:58.417 --> 00:29:59.468
Build your community.
00:29:59.557 --> 00:29:59.827
Mm.
00:29:59.917 --> 00:30:01.178
Find your resources.
00:30:01.208 --> 00:30:02.528
'cause it's all out there.
00:30:02.978 --> 00:30:10.837
So let's flash forward then to like your late twenties, maybe thirties, because I feel like people at like 29, 30, 31 are like in huge pivot phases.
00:30:10.867 --> 00:30:11.048
Yes.
00:30:11.107 --> 00:30:12.127
They're in discovery.
00:30:12.178 --> 00:30:16.827
Get wet, get dirty, create, take more risk than ever.
00:30:17.667 --> 00:30:20.847
You know, I've seen a lot of the kids too that are like.
00:30:21.778 --> 00:30:30.327
Taking their creativity to, you know, especially with Instagram and all of this own, own way of creating, it's very fascinating.
00:30:30.327 --> 00:30:32.218
So really do it.
00:30:32.218 --> 00:30:47.248
And if it works, follow through it and just see where, what it can come, and I did my own form of it, so I have like an idea on what those are and I'm able to plug it in on the things that, you know, happening from.
00:30:47.847 --> 00:30:54.193
My ritual that you saw from the play that was like, just like beautifully effortlessly.
00:30:54.193 --> 00:30:55.933
You've been around for a while on this plane.
00:30:56.324 --> 00:31:04.354
And now I feel like you really sharpened your diamonds to the point where like, what I am seeing you produce is like ethereal, people just need to see this stuff.
00:31:04.354 --> 00:31:04.983
Like your work.
00:31:05.374 --> 00:31:05.824
It's incredible.
00:31:05.824 --> 00:31:06.604
It's so moving.
00:31:06.933 --> 00:31:07.413
Thank you.
00:31:07.534 --> 00:31:12.693
And it's like, and you can tell it is really been honed over time through like I guess all the rock bottoms.
00:31:12.693 --> 00:31:12.753
Yeah.
00:31:13.384 --> 00:31:14.584
And And
00:31:14.703 --> 00:31:15.094
peace.
00:31:15.243 --> 00:31:15.513
It.
00:31:15.513 --> 00:31:23.554
It's sad that it has to, I mean, you look at all the other artists like, and some people have it and they just have the space and people really care for it.
00:31:23.554 --> 00:31:26.163
And I really had to find it.
00:31:26.249 --> 00:31:26.469
Mm.
00:31:26.614 --> 00:31:28.594
And I think that's one thing.
00:31:28.594 --> 00:31:32.763
And going back to like, I wish there was more care.
00:31:33.003 --> 00:31:37.683
Mm, more care in what way of holding space for mine growth.
00:31:38.403 --> 00:31:42.909
And I think that was the hardest thing, that your own self-care or own self care and.
00:31:42.979 --> 00:31:58.308
Just my surrounding, you know, growing up in a place that really had a hard time trying to foster your creativity because of the system that I grew up in.
00:31:58.429 --> 00:31:58.699
So, yeah.
00:31:58.699 --> 00:31:58.759
Yeah,
00:31:59.814 --> 00:32:00.104
yeah.
00:32:00.568 --> 00:32:08.348
It's funny'cause going back to the parenting thing, I have parents in my life, like friends who are parents and, um, you know, across the.
00:32:09.203 --> 00:32:11.334
Belief, value spectrum, so to speak.
00:32:11.723 --> 00:32:23.223
And I guess there's this idea, especially in the US that if you just, or if you remove all these different influences from the kids, you'll quote unquote shield them but I feel people are who they are.
00:32:23.223 --> 00:32:26.644
Like there's something like at the core that the soul essence,, you see this all the time.
00:32:26.644 --> 00:32:29.344
It's like, oh, ever since you're a baby, I knew X, Y, and Z.
00:32:29.763 --> 00:32:31.144
Like there's just that.
00:32:31.294 --> 00:32:39.814
And so when you do this, you think you're shielding your kids, but you actually might be putting your kids in a situation where it takes'em a lot longer to actually figure out who they are.
00:32:40.159 --> 00:32:41.358
Because they didn't have those influences.
00:32:41.358 --> 00:32:47.959
And yeah, I just invite parents to, you know, just be open, more open-minded, be open,
00:32:48.348 --> 00:32:48.979
be open.
00:32:48.979 --> 00:32:54.078
And literally it's a Google away is a chat GPT away.
00:32:54.078 --> 00:32:59.753
Not to plug that in, but it really, the resources are there, you know?
00:33:00.743 --> 00:33:01.034
Yeah,
00:33:01.384 --> 00:33:02.354
yeah, yeah.
00:33:02.479 --> 00:33:03.229
That's true too.
00:33:03.239 --> 00:33:09.328
People are like banning books in libraries, but the reality is, is you just Google all this shit anyway, so it's like, you know, a lot.
00:33:09.808 --> 00:33:12.358
Anyway, it's, it's, that's a whole other story.
00:33:12.409 --> 00:33:21.318
But, because we are talking about raising amazing humans and how we create amazing humans, and it really does start from day zero.
00:33:21.409 --> 00:33:22.278
Day zero.
00:33:22.564 --> 00:33:23.584
So, um, at home.
00:33:24.334 --> 00:33:33.929
So then what about in your, mid thirties to late thirties, you're getting a lot dirtier in your, as you described it, more experimental then, what kind of came from that?
00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:37.253
I mean that, I think that was like the deep.
00:33:37.604 --> 00:33:42.374
And the awareness came in more and more.
00:33:43.094 --> 00:33:54.074
'cause it, it, it'll just keep showing up more the more you're still making whatever that thing's triggering things.
00:33:54.074 --> 00:34:03.673
And it just becomes harder and harder of the outcome if you keep doing it that are like, I reminded you this, I reminded you this twice.
00:34:03.763 --> 00:34:07.153
And the third time, you know, one thing that I can relate is my relationship.
00:34:08.233 --> 00:34:08.563
That I've
00:34:08.563 --> 00:34:12.193
had from the first to second to third, the third was the hardest.
00:34:12.853 --> 00:34:12.884
Mm.
00:34:12.884 --> 00:34:23.474
You know, threes I, I threes has been great guidance in my life of things happening and like, okay, are you gonna change something about this?
00:34:23.503 --> 00:34:25.153
Or you're gonna keep doing it?
00:34:26.023 --> 00:34:27.554
So that was very interesting.
00:34:27.554 --> 00:34:35.713
So, yeah, I mean, in my thirties it was like, yes, I was still creating, I was still in it and you know, thought of other.
00:34:36.344 --> 00:34:51.344
Venues of like how to be sustainable and for the grace of the universe and the divine, I'm like able to be in community and do the the customer service life.
00:34:51.373 --> 00:34:56.833
And I realized I was really good at it, you know, and just like have been more knowledgeable.
00:34:57.313 --> 00:35:02.684
So that's one thing and led me to where I'm working now, that I'm able to be who I am.
00:35:03.733 --> 00:35:04.634
24 7.
00:35:04.634 --> 00:35:05.623
A house of Yes.
00:35:05.684 --> 00:35:05.713
Mm.
00:35:06.074 --> 00:35:06.494
You went
00:35:06.494 --> 00:35:06.824
right.
00:35:06.824 --> 00:35:07.844
Did you go house?
00:35:07.903 --> 00:35:10.454
Oh, the show is a party I've actually never been to House of.
00:35:10.454 --> 00:35:10.934
Yes.
00:35:10.963 --> 00:35:14.534
Oh, I thought you went when all the Face came after
00:35:14.864 --> 00:35:15.494
one of the parties.
00:35:15.523 --> 00:35:15.884
Yeah.
00:35:16.304 --> 00:35:19.304
Oh, I'm an early, uh, I'm an early sleeper.
00:35:19.574 --> 00:35:19.664
Oh.
00:35:20.623 --> 00:35:21.914
But I would love to go to House of Yes.
00:35:21.914 --> 00:35:23.233
Especially if you're hosting something.
00:35:23.233 --> 00:35:24.074
I would really love to hear that.
00:35:24.074 --> 00:35:24.313
Yeah.
00:35:24.853 --> 00:35:27.733
I mean, I just work in and I let my people come.
00:35:27.733 --> 00:35:29.443
I mean, dirty Circus is a fun show.
00:35:29.684 --> 00:35:29.864
Yeah.
00:35:29.893 --> 00:35:30.793
Um, but yeah.
00:35:31.619 --> 00:35:37.498
And you know, that's when I did my medicine plant medicine journey, my ayahuasca journey.
00:35:37.498 --> 00:35:44.248
And that led more of a clarity of, you know, really feeling a lot of my inner child.
00:35:45.148 --> 00:35:46.289
Oh, I'd love to get into that.
00:35:46.289 --> 00:35:49.909
So we've framed this conversation, like different parts of the life chronologically.
00:35:49.958 --> 00:35:54.159
But I would love to now dive into like what was the biggest rock bottom moment.
00:35:54.159 --> 00:35:58.809
That really allowed you to harness like this period of your life
00:35:58.809 --> 00:36:00.579
I think it was my LA moment.
00:36:00.938 --> 00:36:04.239
'cause I really wanted to get away from New York after my third.
00:36:04.539 --> 00:36:05.048
Breakup.
00:36:05.259 --> 00:36:07.539
And this is in your, uh, 35, you said earlier, I believe.
00:36:07.599 --> 00:36:07.958
Yeah.
00:36:08.048 --> 00:36:08.228
30.
00:36:08.228 --> 00:36:08.889
So 35.
00:36:08.889 --> 00:36:12.248
You, you moved cross country to la Yes, and I had a
00:36:12.248 --> 00:36:12.818
girlfriend.
00:36:13.869 --> 00:36:13.898
Mm.
00:36:14.289 --> 00:36:19.268
So she proposed after I did my show in Florida.
00:36:19.268 --> 00:36:20.048
Sarasota.
00:36:20.048 --> 00:36:20.469
Florida.
00:36:20.559 --> 00:36:21.699
Sarasota.
00:36:22.458 --> 00:36:26.119
I had a very healing moment there, and I did a show.
00:36:26.659 --> 00:36:33.018
It's called Straight white man, check it out, written by, I forgot the writer, but it's a Korean American playwright.
00:36:33.199 --> 00:36:33.349
Mm-hmm.
00:36:34.009 --> 00:36:34.789
Powerful story.
00:36:34.789 --> 00:36:41.179
Again, it was one of those pieces that like, okay, this speaks the language and where I am in my humanity.
00:36:41.809 --> 00:36:43.849
And it was just sharpening it more.
00:36:43.849 --> 00:36:47.298
And I, my CoStar was, this beautiful black trans woman.
00:36:47.329 --> 00:36:54.809
I was like, still going through everything that I was going through, I didn't realize there was some depression there.
00:36:55.588 --> 00:36:59.849
But again, I was surrounded with love that I was able to have the levity of it.
00:36:59.938 --> 00:37:03.688
You know, ivory was a part of my life that whole time too.
00:37:03.688 --> 00:37:20.949
So then I drove across country and lived in LA in a basement And I realized I wasn't looking at certain things I was heading, and that that was the moment of like really sitting in myself.
00:37:20.949 --> 00:37:23.768
'cause I really had a a lot alone time.
00:37:24.878 --> 00:37:26.018
I was walking everywhere.
00:37:26.018 --> 00:37:32.768
I had no car unless I had to Uber from work and really had to sit with self.
00:37:32.768 --> 00:37:35.228
And I remember one night I was just crying.
00:37:35.228 --> 00:37:36.878
And why, why, why, why?
00:37:36.878 --> 00:37:37.119
And that.
00:37:37.148 --> 00:37:39.639
Was like the rock bottom moment.
00:37:40.329 --> 00:37:42.759
And I think I did Molly with my roommates.
00:37:42.759 --> 00:37:44.079
I mean, my good friends.
00:37:45.278 --> 00:37:52.329
And I just remember the sky turning this ceia and I just like couldn't stop crying
00:37:52.329 --> 00:37:52.688
and it was
00:37:52.688 --> 00:37:54.398
so like, apparent.
00:37:54.398 --> 00:37:55.358
I was like, wow.
00:37:56.168 --> 00:37:56.528
Wow.
00:37:56.583 --> 00:37:59.918
I mean, I wouldn't call it like my down, but like it was a moment of like.
00:38:01.623 --> 00:38:01.914
Okay.
00:38:01.918 --> 00:38:04.059
Something, something needs to be changed.
00:38:05.978 --> 00:38:08.858
And how, what did you do with that the next morning?
00:38:09.159 --> 00:38:09.789
Went to work.
00:38:11.594 --> 00:38:12.253
Did you feel different?
00:38:12.728 --> 00:38:15.248
No, no, I was still living in it.
00:38:15.248 --> 00:38:20.708
So it was, I mean it was, you know, I started the artist way because of my roommates.
00:38:20.708 --> 00:38:21.759
They lived upstairs.
00:38:21.818 --> 00:38:22.268
Is that a book?
00:38:22.778 --> 00:38:23.619
Uh, the Artist Way?
00:38:23.623 --> 00:38:23.833
Yeah.
00:38:23.838 --> 00:38:24.248
Yeah.
00:38:24.369 --> 00:38:25.599
I think it's Julia Cameron.
00:38:25.599 --> 00:38:25.989
Yeah.
00:38:26.018 --> 00:38:26.768
It's just Artist Way
00:38:26.768 --> 00:38:27.398
is Julia Cameron.
00:38:27.398 --> 00:38:27.789
You recommend
00:38:27.789 --> 00:38:28.148
that book?
00:38:28.239 --> 00:38:40.509
I recommend that book'cause it was like, uh, it forced me, but it really got me outta my head to write three pages per day no matter what and that.
00:38:40.599 --> 00:38:52.059
I've got, you know, the consciousness going and everything and really taught me about process again, and really retrace everything from whatever that's going on in my head.
00:38:52.059 --> 00:38:53.949
So, I mean, like I have a pile of it at home.
00:38:54.668 --> 00:38:54.728
Wow.
00:38:54.728 --> 00:38:55.478
That it's just there.
00:38:56.318 --> 00:38:57.728
That's call it manuscript Wow.
00:38:58.599 --> 00:38:59.739
Of like the journey.
00:39:00.429 --> 00:39:04.478
So I mean, now I write at least one page a day.
00:39:04.809 --> 00:39:04.989
Yeah.
00:39:04.989 --> 00:39:07.509
To just like free write and like even just.
00:39:07.838 --> 00:39:09.639
Can brainstorm anything.
00:39:09.699 --> 00:39:10.958
That's really great advice.
00:39:11.168 --> 00:39:16.949
So, you're reading this book and you're, you've had this realization, what are you doing to make that change?
00:39:17.429 --> 00:39:19.798
Is it part of it, like writing three pages a day?
00:39:19.918 --> 00:39:19.978
Yeah.
00:39:19.978 --> 00:39:20.219
Or, yeah.
00:39:21.298 --> 00:39:28.318
I'm bringing awareness to your consciousness and then with the grace of.
00:39:28.813 --> 00:39:30.403
Things were happening in this space.
00:39:30.403 --> 00:39:33.043
My body just didn't feel to be there anymore.
00:39:33.043 --> 00:39:37.483
Certain action that happened that was like still a trigger of things.
00:39:37.483 --> 00:39:39.583
I was like, that needs to change.
00:39:39.583 --> 00:39:41.744
And I was like, okay, I need time to go back to New York.
00:39:42.554 --> 00:39:44.264
And that's 2019.
00:39:44.713 --> 00:39:44.773
Wow.
00:39:45.614 --> 00:39:46.784
Pre pandemic.
00:39:46.784 --> 00:39:52.393
And I got here January of 2020 and then by March Pandemic started.
00:39:52.804 --> 00:40:01.023
I was sitting a lot alone in my thoughts and everything, and, and the pandemic really prepped me to dig deeper.
00:40:01.418 --> 00:40:01.708
Yeah.
00:40:02.914 --> 00:40:05.463
Which was still a lot of depression and you know, what we went through.
00:40:05.673 --> 00:40:05.974
So,
00:40:06.454 --> 00:40:10.893
so, but you're, you're making, you're starting to make change in your life, you're being intentional.
00:40:11.494 --> 00:40:16.414
Um, were there days where you just felt like, oh, this three pages of writing is stupid, this is not gonna give me an answer?
00:40:16.414 --> 00:40:16.534
Yes.
00:40:17.043 --> 00:40:19.204
And, and did you still convince yourself to write?
00:40:19.293 --> 00:40:19.893
Yes.
00:40:19.893 --> 00:40:23.103
How, but what was the inner monologue in your head?
00:40:23.403 --> 00:40:23.943
Do it
00:40:24.543 --> 00:40:26.494
because you know you're gonna get something out of it.
00:40:26.494 --> 00:40:29.434
I think we've trained ourself to do things that we don't like.
00:40:29.494 --> 00:40:29.523
Mm.
00:40:30.184 --> 00:40:30.454
So I
00:40:30.454 --> 00:40:32.014
think it's about retraining.
00:40:32.253 --> 00:40:33.664
And you didn't like this at the time?
00:40:33.664 --> 00:40:34.204
I didn't.
00:40:34.759 --> 00:40:38.028
But it, it was good accountability.
00:40:38.059 --> 00:40:42.469
'cause I'm one of my closest friends that were doing it with me, so it was like, okay, let's do this.
00:40:42.889 --> 00:40:42.978
Mm-hmm.
00:40:43.398 --> 00:40:45.168
And you know, it takes a village.
00:40:45.679 --> 00:40:53.983
And from writing three pages a day, like what did you start noticing changing in your life and like at what points since you started doing it?
00:40:54.134 --> 00:40:54.423
It's
00:40:54.429 --> 00:40:57.264
just clarity of a form of clarity and consciousness.
00:40:57.264 --> 00:40:59.688
Clarity and, you know, we have so much.
00:41:00.423 --> 00:41:01.414
That we think about.
00:41:01.463 --> 00:41:02.184
What's his name?
00:41:02.184 --> 00:41:02.963
said it.
00:41:03.384 --> 00:41:04.733
Stay in your head.
00:41:05.423 --> 00:41:05.994
You're dead.
00:41:07.103 --> 00:41:07.164
Mm.
00:41:08.244 --> 00:41:08.423
Okay.
00:41:08.423 --> 00:41:09.474
A famous speaker.
00:41:09.534 --> 00:41:10.554
He does a stay in your head.
00:41:10.554 --> 00:41:11.184
You're dead.
00:41:11.393 --> 00:41:11.963
Yeah.
00:41:12.233 --> 00:41:12.623
Whoa.
00:41:13.043 --> 00:41:13.824
I forgot his, his name.
00:41:14.634 --> 00:41:15.054
Don't quote me.
00:41:15.103 --> 00:41:30.764
So would you, would you attribute, like if you were to think of like all the biggest levers, if you're thinking of like leverage points that like made the most growth for you in getting outta rock bottom, um, discovering who you want to be, how you wanna show up for yourself, would you say this writing exercise was one of them or
00:41:31.753 --> 00:41:32.083
one of the tools?
00:41:33.108 --> 00:41:34.094
One of the tools, yeah.
00:41:34.289 --> 00:41:36.373
'cause you're expressing reading.
00:41:37.063 --> 00:41:37.273
Yeah.
00:41:37.483 --> 00:41:38.384
We have to express.
00:41:38.728 --> 00:41:39.148
Hmm.
00:41:39.869 --> 00:41:43.918
Either through movement, through singing, and so I think being an artist is so beautiful.
00:41:44.188 --> 00:41:44.278
Mm-hmm.
00:41:44.878 --> 00:41:49.349
You know, unless you're one of those people, like, just can be in nature and you're healed.
00:41:49.349 --> 00:41:53.188
You know, all of this are tools of getting things out.
00:41:53.463 --> 00:41:53.543
Hmm.
00:41:55.018 --> 00:41:55.739
Deponing other Right word.
00:41:55.978 --> 00:41:57.659
Squeezing things out of your system.
00:41:57.929 --> 00:41:58.438
Yeah.
00:41:58.443 --> 00:41:58.583
Yeah.
00:41:59.849 --> 00:42:00.298
Wow.
00:42:00.298 --> 00:42:01.949
That's actually really great advice.
00:42:02.039 --> 00:42:06.539
Um, and I've, I've heard it almost described sometimes as clearing the pipes when you just start writing for the first time.
00:42:06.539 --> 00:42:06.599
Yeah.
00:42:07.199 --> 00:42:07.768
Do you write.
00:42:08.173 --> 00:42:09.164
I've started writing.
00:42:09.164 --> 00:42:09.764
Yeah.
00:42:10.063 --> 00:42:10.454
Yeah.
00:42:10.514 --> 00:42:20.443
Uh, we're part of a, we have a hit publish group where every second Wednesday we meet up and at eight we started writing at six and at eight 30 sharp, we all hit, hit publish on Substack at the same time.
00:42:20.864 --> 00:42:21.494
Wow.
00:42:21.523 --> 00:42:26.293
And it's, and I think the time box of it has just forced me to get thoughts out.
00:42:26.298 --> 00:42:26.458
Yeah.
00:42:27.014 --> 00:42:27.554
Yeah.
00:42:27.673 --> 00:42:28.003
Wow.
00:42:28.063 --> 00:42:28.634
That's great.
00:42:28.634 --> 00:42:29.503
Accountability.
00:42:29.954 --> 00:42:30.704
Please join us.
00:42:30.733 --> 00:42:46.364
Again, It's just really putting yourself in those system, like you don't know what skills you have until it's, you know, because I think we trained ourself from past trauma and what those skills that you have, and I realize, you know, you have a lot more to offer than what you thought.
00:42:46.414 --> 00:42:47.523
And then what's number three?
00:42:47.574 --> 00:42:48.143
Have yourself.
00:42:48.384 --> 00:42:49.014
Have yourself.
00:42:50.514 --> 00:42:51.173
Sovereignty.
00:42:51.324 --> 00:42:51.983
Sovereignty.
00:42:51.983 --> 00:42:59.483
I think that's one thing that I've really realized more, being able to be okay no matter what the situation is, and be alone.
00:43:00.204 --> 00:43:00.864
There you go.
00:43:01.434 --> 00:43:03.789
Learn how to be alone in every aspect.
00:43:03.833 --> 00:43:04.704
To up the journey
00:43:04.824 --> 00:43:07.373
and trust your art form and trust who you are.
00:43:07.764 --> 00:43:07.824
Yeah.
00:43:08.094 --> 00:43:10.284
Because that, it really does come down.
00:43:10.943 --> 00:43:18.713
You go home to yourself every day and be able to say, I'm okay going home every day to myself.
00:43:18.713 --> 00:43:18.773
Wow.
00:43:20.603 --> 00:43:26.934
Um, you know, so I am reading a book called, um, the Fountain Head, and it's a kind of, it talks about that, of just sovereignty of like.
00:43:27.474 --> 00:43:33.264
You know, being your own individual and not just trying to follow the trends or the crowd, which I think we naturally tend to do.
00:43:33.293 --> 00:43:34.134
I mean, that's,
00:43:34.614 --> 00:43:35.634
we're built for that.
00:43:35.693 --> 00:43:36.114
Yeah,
00:43:36.478 --> 00:43:36.768
yeah,
00:43:37.193 --> 00:43:37.403
yeah.
00:43:37.403 --> 00:43:43.313
We were literally built for that because like we had to fit into a tribe, but like, you know, at the time those tribes were like only 30 people.
00:43:43.313 --> 00:43:50.184
So yeah, cohesion was really important, but nowadays, the world's so big and vast that you can find your tribe anywhere, anywhere
00:43:51.023 --> 00:43:55.043
and still, you know, but able to go home with South and.
00:43:56.378 --> 00:43:57.563
I have clarity on that.
00:43:57.614 --> 00:44:02.893
Was there other like rock bottom moments going on when the relationship was ending and before you're moving to LA I
00:44:02.893 --> 00:44:04.213
mean, I didn't have awareness.
00:44:04.213 --> 00:44:07.063
I felt like I was just in automatic survivor mode.
00:44:07.693 --> 00:44:07.724
Mm.
00:44:08.474 --> 00:44:10.094
And I was like, what did that look like day to day?
00:44:11.083 --> 00:44:13.034
Tired, tiring.
00:44:13.034 --> 00:44:18.943
And I was all in the apps, and it's just like, you're just distracting yourself.
00:44:19.123 --> 00:44:19.873
Mm.
00:44:20.233 --> 00:44:31.543
And I realized I needed that to find, I, I needed to go to Florida to find a creativity outlet that was telling my story.
00:44:33.119 --> 00:44:38.338
To go to LA and have this beautiful journey and be with a woman.
00:44:38.608 --> 00:44:39.929
I think that was so healing.
00:44:39.929 --> 00:44:39.958
Mm.
00:44:39.958 --> 00:44:40.199
Yeah.
00:44:40.199 --> 00:44:46.168
You know, it's funny'cause I, I think, a good sign that you're at rock bottom is if you're spending most of your time scrolling on apps.
00:44:46.168 --> 00:44:46.170
Yes.
00:44:46.454 --> 00:44:47.114
It really is.
00:44:48.688 --> 00:44:48.869
It really is.
00:44:49.318 --> 00:44:55.108
I hope I don't get canceled on, like, Zuck doesn't cancel us for calling that out, but yeah, you know, it was
00:44:55.108 --> 00:44:55.918
built for that.
00:44:55.918 --> 00:45:01.018
And you realize, I mean, you have all this algorithm of everyone have you tried chat, GBT?
00:45:01.648 --> 00:45:06.028
I'm like, wow, you're still, but you know Yeah.
00:45:06.889 --> 00:45:09.438
Go back to, to, to, to your practice.
00:45:09.798 --> 00:45:11.778
For me, I have to go back to meditation.
00:45:11.778 --> 00:45:14.778
I have to go back to silence.
00:45:14.778 --> 00:45:18.619
On that of going back to sometimes it's like, we know we should be doing these things.
00:45:18.619 --> 00:45:22.338
We know we should be meditating, we know we should be writing the three pages a day.
00:45:22.679 --> 00:45:27.389
But there's days we wake up and we just don't have the drive to do it.
00:45:27.659 --> 00:45:34.349
What would you do in those days where you didn't want to show up for yourself and actually maybe even had doubt if Ivan was gonna do anything to begin with?
00:45:34.409 --> 00:45:36.659
'cause I feel like we go through life trying a million things.
00:45:36.659 --> 00:45:37.469
Most of'em don't work.
00:45:37.648 --> 00:45:37.708
Yeah.
00:45:38.173 --> 00:45:38.653
Trust me.
00:45:38.653 --> 00:45:39.224
Yes.
00:45:39.224 --> 00:45:39.643
Been there.
00:45:40.364 --> 00:45:42.554
I mean, even today I was like, okay, I'm gonna do it.
00:45:42.554 --> 00:45:46.034
But I had an urge to like, okay, what would vibrate high?
00:45:46.034 --> 00:45:51.583
And I know we've had such a great connection and do that to shake it up.
00:45:51.588 --> 00:45:51.869
Mm-hmm.
00:45:51.954 --> 00:45:57.733
You know, you don't have to, you know, break it up, but don't be all over the place, so,
00:45:58.094 --> 00:45:58.603
yeah.
00:45:58.724 --> 00:45:59.054
Yeah.
00:46:00.253 --> 00:46:01.454
Be accountable for yourself.
00:46:01.753 --> 00:46:02.954
You know, do something different.
00:46:02.954 --> 00:46:04.094
That would spark.
00:46:04.724 --> 00:46:05.204
Spark.
00:46:05.293 --> 00:46:06.943
I mean, this spark something, right?
00:46:06.943 --> 00:46:07.153
Yeah.
00:46:07.153 --> 00:46:07.603
Come on, look.
00:46:07.889 --> 00:46:08.579
Which has happened.
00:46:08.789 --> 00:46:09.119
So
00:46:09.268 --> 00:46:10.918
I mean, this is like super serendipitous.
00:46:10.918 --> 00:46:11.009
Yeah.
00:46:11.759 --> 00:46:18.668
So, a final question, is there anything you wanna share or anything that younger you needs to know
00:46:19.003 --> 00:46:20.293
keep doing the work.
00:46:21.418 --> 00:46:22.349
It's nonstop.
00:46:22.498 --> 00:46:25.168
Take breaks, but keep doing the work in every aspect.
00:46:26.099 --> 00:46:31.018
And play, have, play, maybe work, maybe ceremonial.
00:46:31.018 --> 00:46:35.028
And surround yourself with the people that you vibrate with.
00:46:35.239 --> 00:46:36.498
cause that will keep you moving.
00:46:37.998 --> 00:46:39.259
Uh, some great advice.
00:46:39.264 --> 00:46:39.353
Yeah.
00:46:39.858 --> 00:46:40.128
Yeah.
00:46:40.489 --> 00:46:41.628
That's some great advice.
00:46:42.514 --> 00:46:43.054
Wow.
00:46:43.353 --> 00:46:47.943
What a magical, serendipitous encounter.
00:46:47.943 --> 00:46:48.994
Deborah.
00:46:49.293 --> 00:46:50.284
Stay curious.