WEBVTT
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Hello.
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Oh, I actually I haven't done this in a few weeks again, and I spoke directly into the laptop instead of the microphone I bought specifically for this reason.
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Um hello.
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Um if you listen to the last episode, me every time I do an episode, you will realise that I didn't do the challenge that is it for myself in recording an episode before I went on holiday.
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It's been a minute.
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But come back quicker each time.
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That's the winnings.
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I've definitely talked about this before, but I really, really get into my head about this.
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And I'd come back from holiday, I went away for two weekends, and then my old housemate and friend Naomi came to stay with me for a little bit from the US of A.
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And there's just not a chance in hell that I am recording a podcast with a risk of someone coming in and seeing that.
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But I've been down in the dumps recently.
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I feel like I've lost myself, or there's a chance that I just never knew who I was.
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And I'd wrote in my journal I wanted to do the 66 to sticks, which is like 75 hard, but um, it doesn't make you want to kill yourself at the end of it.
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I'm not drinking chicken juice, that's the difference.
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It's just 66 days to form healthy habits in your life.
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Like, I want to run four times a week, I want to write my my new resolutions.
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I did a journal interview today, and I realized I think a lot of my issues stem from the fact that I feel like I'm being watched, or how do you explain it?
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Where I think my generation is the first generation of people who grew up with constant surveillance on people around you.
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Like the fact that I am able to see what someone I went to school with is doing currently, and I haven't had any contact with them for 10 years now is so fucked.
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Is that not so weird?
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Like when you actually put the facts down on paper, the surveillance that we have and that we are like condemned to is so embedded in I feel it in the way that I live my own life that I think it's become like this blocker.
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You go on Instagram and you're scrolling through stories, and when you see that other people are doing more exciting things than you, they have more hobbies, they have a partner, they're buying a house, they're having children.
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The fact I'm 12, I'm not having children anytime soon.
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But people are going through all these major life milestones, and you put that on your social media, and you showcase the best versions of yourself in social media and becoming sort of a cliche saying that because we all know that it's not authentic, even now that we're doing these uh photo dumps, when we're removing this perfect filter that we've put on posts originally, even when we're trying to implement some more authenticity into how we present ourselves to the people in our wider social circles on social media, there still is that layer of in authenticity.
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And I think when you've grown up with this device in your hand, and I have got iPhone finger.
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If you don't know what iPhone finger is, whichever hand you hold your phone in, the little baby finger will have a bit more of a crook, and it it's forming the shape of your phone.
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That's disgusting.
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But when you're staring at this screen your entire life, like I'm imagine someone listening to this, like my children listening to this.
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I was alive for the creation of iPhone.
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We in my lifetime, we we went from having Nokia to having touch screen phones.
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Instagram was made in 2013, which is only 13 years ago.
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But in this short span of time, we've had such an increased access to the people around us and strangers as well.
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So when we're watching other people 24-7, and this it is an addiction, I do feel addicted to my phone.
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I deleted Instagram No, because that's really embarrassing to say.
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I deleted Instagram and hinge for my phone today.
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Oh I'm gonna say it.
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And I needed no I started on this journey now and must continue.
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I needed a poo, and I didn't know how to go for a poo without watching reels.
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Oh god.
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So I re-downloaded Instagram to have a poo.
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But my point in all this was no, because there's an actual point there.
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The point was is that we have this addiction to this little device in our phones, and you're surveilling other people 24-7 to the point where it's actually an addiction.
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Um, of course, you feel surveilled.
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It feels like big brother, like someone is always watching me and judging me.
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I come home, my house isn't clean, and I feel so ashamed.
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I feel like I get so in my head, and like things have to look a certain way.
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My life has to feel a certain way.
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And when it feels like it's not happening, I think I freeze up and go into my little hermit shell.
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And that very much feels like what I've been allowing my life to come to.
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I'm so scared of things not being perfect that I would much rather not try and not start.
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And it's leaving me completely devoid of any meaningful experiences, and I'm so tired of restricting myself in this pursuit of perfection because perfectionism is surely a form of procrastination, and I think calling myself out and seeing it like that, I am my own worst enemy.
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I put way too much pressure on myself.
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I've always been this way, though.
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I don't remember a time when I wasn't hard on myself.
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I used to cry every day at school.
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I think I've definitely talked about this before.
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I was called Hailey Whaley because I cried so much.
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I've always felt things so intensely and really put so much pressure on my shoulders.
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But I sort of sat down myself today while I'm journaling and I'm thinking I'm 26 now.
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Who am I performing for?
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Who gives a fuck?
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Like, who actually cares?
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Who cares if I try to write a novel and it's shit?
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Who actually cares?
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The people that I went to school with probably don't even think about me.
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And if they have me on their social media and see me pause every now and again, and I and what I've put on weight.
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Who cares?
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I think I I've got into this blockade with running the half marathon as well.
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My half marathon is in three weeks now, and I'm so scared to go out and run.
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Why?
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Like, it's this intrinsic feeling inside of myself that if I fully allow myself to commit to something and give my all to something, it will go wrong, or the feeling of it going wrong when I've tried so hard will be so devastating that I can't fathom it.
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And it feels like that's why I pick the men that I pick, the relationships that I've been in.
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Like, I think from a mile off, you know, when you look back, and I know hindsight is 2020, but when I look back, it's like that was never gonna work.
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And I think a lot of my feelings when relationships end is anger towards myself.
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Because why did I do that?
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Why did I allow that to happen to me?
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Yeah, of course I've not had a fulfilling relationship ever, because I'm the reason that I'm blocking things.
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And if you're listening and we've ever been together, that wasn't me putting it on me.
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You you're an asshole.
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Um but I have this feeling that I need to stop the surveillance.
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I'm so tired of every day I'm glimpsing into other people's lives and not putting the energy into my own.
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And how sad is that really when you think about it?
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Like my head hurts thinking about it.
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How much of my life have I dedicated to this tiny screen and seeing other people laugh and be happy and um not giving myself the same experiences?
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So I think, and this is a it feels scary, but I really like as part of my 66 until it sticks, I would like to go off social media for that duration.
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And I also what the moment I thought about that, I thought, oh, this podcast is actually just a diary, this is just a journal, this is a way of documenting my experiences, and immediately the pressure fell off.
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Immediately it felt like something I want to do.
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Whereas when I was thinking about making an Instagram for it and thinking about getting followers, it felt so suffocating.
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And the moment that I thought about people not being able to see me, and maybe what my dad is now the only person listening to this, something about that feels so freeing that I feel like it's something I need to explore.
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I am so tired of living my life under the constraints of what people might think of me.
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I actually feel emotional.
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I can feel myself welling up.
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When I was sat down journaling, I remember distinctly posting a picture of me and my friends, and I thought it was a really pretty picture.
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And one of the boys screenshot that picture and put it in the group chat I was in, and people they all started laughing at me.
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And it didn't make any sense because I I when I look back, I can see the picture, and it was a nice picture.
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It was just us in the garden smiling together, and they were laughing at me so much.
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I think I defended myself by I think I commented back being like, oh yeah, that was a silly post, and deleted it.
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I felt people watching me in that moment at such a young primitive age, and I deleted the image because people didn't like it.
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And then the next time you post something, it's like, well, people laugh at me for posting this.
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When last time I was just smiling with my friends.
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And then when this device follows you everywhere, when it comes with you to the bathroom to have a shit, when it's the first thing you look at when you wake up, the last thing you see when you fall asleep.
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Of course, these ideas start to creep into your everyday life.
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Of course, I'm obsessed with the fact that my flat doesn't look like a Pinterest board.
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Of course, I feel too fat to have love in my life.
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Of course, I feel like my writing isn't as good as the other writers I've seen online.
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So what's the point in trying?
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But I think what I'm trying to say is I'm really fucking tired.
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I'm so exhausted of holding myself to these standards that I simply cannot meet.
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And because I can't meet them, I stay in my house on my phone looking at other people supposedly meeting them themselves.
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So, what I would like to do is from tomorrow for 66 days, and my whole thing is if I don't manage to complete a day, I think I would like to add an extra day on to the end.
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Like I'm not gonna stop and restart.
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I think I would like to move that day and put it back to the end, so then the date might be pushed out a few days.
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My my track record with consistency is going to say that it will.
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But for the 66-day duration, I would really like to take a step back from social media.
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I'd like to take a step back from online dating as well, because it started to feel so completely inauthentic.
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You know, back in the day, Tinder was the first of my generation, and I met a lot of people on Tinder.
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I had a a year, what year and a half long relationship from Tinder when I was much younger.
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Then Tinder sort of felt like it turned into just a hookup app, and then everyone moved to hinge and bumble, and now hinge feels like it's turned the same.
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But it feels like I'm putting time and energy into something that's not real.
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No, so I'll correct that.
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I'm putting time and energy into something that isn't real.
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When you can meet people outside, you can actually do that.
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Like if I stopped being on my phone so much and comparing myself to other people, and you know, you buy shit products just to put yourself in the same path as other people.
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If I stopped doing that and spending time and energy and money on all that, I might have money left over in the month to go and join a club and meet people in real life.
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So I think that's where I'm at.
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It feels really scary.
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You know what they say?
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Do it scared.
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So I've been rambling so much now that I actually don't know where do we go from here.
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I think I wanted to jump back on now to I was gonna say hold myself accountable.
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There's absolutely no fucking point in saying that, because how many times have I said that?
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It was a there was thoughts that I've had in my head that I've been writing down, and it felt like I needed to express them, and I don't feel any need to filter or bring anything more than these rambling thoughts that I have currently, which in itself is quite freeing, is it not?
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In a world that is so lacking of any authenticity, you're fucking welcome.
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I think I would really like to take some time to figure out who I am, and you know what?
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You know what it is, it's a challenge, yeah.
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Hooray! Do you remember?
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I used to have the iCarly, what was the remote control, and when you when you tapped it would go hooray! It didn't sound exactly like that.
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It's been a long day, but I'd like to I'd like to hit myself up on this challenge.
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I don't know where I'm going with this now.
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I've been talking for too long.
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I can't even fathom the the version that you are hearing right now.
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I can't even imagine how much stuff I've cut out because this is what's been pre-approved by myself to go online.
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You should be really scared about what wasn't.
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So I think what I'm gonna do is, you know, when I was like, I'm gonna set myself challenges each week.
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Yeah, I want to continue to do that.
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That would be really nice.
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But I think I'm going to do my 66 till it sticks starting from tomorrow.
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And I am going to read out the things that I have created.
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Just so you're in the loop.
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I need to get my journal open.
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So my rules are one, four runs a week slash 10,000 steps a day.
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Because if you're doing like a 10k, that's getting you over your 10k step count.
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But I thought on the days that I'm not running, I would still like to move my feet.
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That counted as one.
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Yeah, it did.
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Two, journal slash meditate every evening.
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For a journal today, and you know what I've done.
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Downloaded the Headspace app.
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So that's what I want to do this evening before I go to bed.
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Three, write 500 words a day.
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I'll say no more on that.
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You don't need to know about my novel.
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I'm not sharing my progress.
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It's for me.
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Get off my back.
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Four.
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Drink two litres of water day.
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Plus a healthier diet.
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Goes without saying.
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You know what I did?
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Was the app that you you track your calorie count?
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I actually really enjoyed it.
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My fitness pal didn't realise it was 15 quid a month.
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What the fuck?
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So maybe if I have more money next month, I will redownload it and I will stick to it.
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I didn't mind doing it.
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I thought it was gonna be very triggering.
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Actually, I found it quite interesting and a bit scientific.
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Five, reduce screen time to four hours or less.
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What I would like to say is if I'm not going on wheels while I'm having a poo, that is a that made it sound like a shit all day.
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For fuck's sake, I get a lot of fibre in my diet.
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I'm a vegetarian.
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My point is, I'm deleting Instagram, so the screen time's going to go down.
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Six.
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Read one chapter every morning and evening.
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I've just downloaded uh what's it, Love Hypothesis?
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I want to read it before the film comes out because I've really enjoyed Lily Winehart's Press 2 outfits.
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And you know what I won't know?
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I won't know about Press 2 outfits when I've deleted Instagram for 66 days.
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Let me tell you that much.
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Let me enjoy it while I can.
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That's my intentions.
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I've set myself on my fridge.
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I've got 1 to 66 on post-it notes.
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And every day that I do all of these things, I'm gonna rip it off.
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What's gonna be the most difficult thing?
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Because it's not like every day I have to go for a run, so that's fine.
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I think I judge is 10,000 steps a day gonna be difficult.
00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:59.039
So I I sit on my ass for my job.
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And sometimes, especially when it's getting to be colder weather, I get really in my head and I'm like, I don't want to leave the house today.
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So I think it's gonna be difficult to force myself to leave the house.
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I also watch a lot of true crime, so I really convince myself I'm gonna get napped on a little walk.
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So I think I need to stop watching as much true crime.
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I need to find another outlet, it's just not healthy for me.
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So I think that's gonna be the most difficult thing.
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Bought a new water bottle, and I have bought new glass Tupperware because my last collection of Tupperware, this is really interesting.
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Thank you for sticking around this long.
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My last Tupperware melted.
00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:40.079
Yeah.
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I put hot food into my Tupperware and it melted the plastic.
00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:49.519
I can't even imagine how many doses of microplastics I've got in my gut right now.
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Journaling, I think, will be nice.
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Meditation.
00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:56.559
I did get into a habit of that at my old job, and it really, really helped me.
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:01.440
I remember I would do my meditation exercises while I was in the office because it was so stressful.
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Doing breathing exercises, like that is not a breathing exercise.
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That's called having a panic attack.
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That was where I was going wrong.
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But I think all those things will be manageable.
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I I really think my my struggle will be leaving the house.
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I'm a hermit.
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Oh god.
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Especially when it starts to get dark outside.
00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:24.559
I look outside and I go, oh, there's death out there.
00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:28.400
But uh, I could, you know, those days that I work from home, I could walk on my lunch break.
00:19:28.559 --> 00:19:30.799
There's actually, you know what, quite frankly, there's no excuse.
00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:32.559
I live a very privileged life.
00:19:32.720 --> 00:19:34.480
Anyway, that's my intention.
00:19:34.720 --> 00:19:35.839
Fingers crossed for me.
00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:36.640
God help me.
00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:38.559
God help you, because you're gonna be listening.
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:43.200
I've set in my calendar to every Wednesday record a podcast episode.
00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:44.720
I've been talking for way too long.
00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:47.359
I know you're bored of me because I'm bored of myself.
00:19:47.599 --> 00:19:49.200
So that's me.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:50.559
I'm alive.
00:19:50.720 --> 00:19:51.920
Hello, hello.
00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:56.000
And I'm gonna keep you in the loop because this is what we're doing now.
00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:57.680
This is the relationship that we have.
00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:03.440
It's kind of casual, but we also you know, we check in on each other regularly.
00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:13.599
I don't ask you how you are because that doesn't matter to me, but I will tell you how I am, and that's the sort of relationship that we have, and you love it, actually.
00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:16.480
I feel like my energy has dwindled off towards the end of this.
00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:17.839
What time is it?
00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:22.640
It's 10 to 10, that's why I'm so tired.
00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:24.640
It's 10 to 10 on a Wednesday.
00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:28.799
People who stay up late, I don't know how you do it.
00:20:29.039 --> 00:20:31.200
It doesn't make any sense to me.
00:20:31.680 --> 00:20:36.720
That bed is crying out my name right now, and I must be snuggled up in it.
00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:37.519
I must be.
00:20:37.759 --> 00:20:38.880
So I'm going now.
00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:39.920
Oh, you know what?
00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.000
I think I've got time to have a sleepy time tea.
00:20:42.319 --> 00:20:47.920
I had a sleepy time tea on Sunday evening.
00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:53.039
Genuinely, it was a close call for me waking up at all.
00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:54.960
That thing knocked me out.
00:20:55.359 --> 00:21:02.000
So, experiment, experiment, let's have another sleepy time tea tonight and I'll see if I wake up.
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:07.039
Um, if there's not another episode, this sleepy time tea got me.
00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:08.640
Good night, God bless.
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:11.279
Uh, yeah, I'll probably see you again.
00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:12.160
Let's hope.
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:15.359
Uh sweet dreams, little angels.
00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:01.280
Hello.
00:00:01.679 --> 00:00:10.640
Oh, I actually I haven't done this in a few weeks again, and I spoke directly into the laptop instead of the microphone I bought specifically for this reason.
00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:11.839
Um hello.
00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:25.760
Um if you listen to the last episode, me every time I do an episode, you will realise that I didn't do the challenge that is it for myself in recording an episode before I went on holiday.
00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:27.039
It's been a minute.
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:29.839
But come back quicker each time.
00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:32.079
That's the winnings.
00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:38.719
I've definitely talked about this before, but I really, really get into my head about this.
00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:50.560
And I'd come back from holiday, I went away for two weekends, and then my old housemate and friend Naomi came to stay with me for a little bit from the US of A.
00:00:51.439 --> 00:00:57.439
And there's just not a chance in hell that I am recording a podcast with a risk of someone coming in and seeing that.
00:00:57.600 --> 00:01:00.719
But I've been down in the dumps recently.
00:01:01.439 --> 00:01:09.200
I feel like I've lost myself, or there's a chance that I just never knew who I was.
00:01:09.599 --> 00:01:20.000
And I'd wrote in my journal I wanted to do the 66 to sticks, which is like 75 hard, but um, it doesn't make you want to kill yourself at the end of it.
00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:23.280
I'm not drinking chicken juice, that's the difference.
00:01:23.519 --> 00:01:28.400
It's just 66 days to form healthy habits in your life.
00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:34.560
Like, I want to run four times a week, I want to write my my new resolutions.
00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:47.439
I did a journal interview today, and I realized I think a lot of my issues stem from the fact that I feel like I'm being watched, or how do you explain it?
00:01:47.599 --> 00:02:00.239
Where I think my generation is the first generation of people who grew up with constant surveillance on people around you.
00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:15.120
Like the fact that I am able to see what someone I went to school with is doing currently, and I haven't had any contact with them for 10 years now is so fucked.
00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:17.759
Is that not so weird?
00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:33.599
Like when you actually put the facts down on paper, the surveillance that we have and that we are like condemned to is so embedded in I feel it in the way that I live my own life that I think it's become like this blocker.
00:02:33.919 --> 00:02:46.240
You go on Instagram and you're scrolling through stories, and when you see that other people are doing more exciting things than you, they have more hobbies, they have a partner, they're buying a house, they're having children.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:50.000
The fact I'm 12, I'm not having children anytime soon.
00:02:50.080 --> 00:03:30.080
But people are going through all these major life milestones, and you put that on your social media, and you showcase the best versions of yourself in social media and becoming sort of a cliche saying that because we all know that it's not authentic, even now that we're doing these uh photo dumps, when we're removing this perfect filter that we've put on posts originally, even when we're trying to implement some more authenticity into how we present ourselves to the people in our wider social circles on social media, there still is that layer of in authenticity.
00:03:30.400 --> 00:03:39.199
And I think when you've grown up with this device in your hand, and I have got iPhone finger.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:52.080
If you don't know what iPhone finger is, whichever hand you hold your phone in, the little baby finger will have a bit more of a crook, and it it's forming the shape of your phone.
00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:53.439
That's disgusting.
00:03:53.599 --> 00:04:02.639
But when you're staring at this screen your entire life, like I'm imagine someone listening to this, like my children listening to this.
00:04:02.879 --> 00:04:06.080
I was alive for the creation of iPhone.
00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:15.280
We in my lifetime, we we went from having Nokia to having touch screen phones.
00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:21.199
Instagram was made in 2013, which is only 13 years ago.
00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:29.439
But in this short span of time, we've had such an increased access to the people around us and strangers as well.
00:04:29.600 --> 00:04:38.160
So when we're watching other people 24-7, and this it is an addiction, I do feel addicted to my phone.
00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:43.040
I deleted Instagram No, because that's really embarrassing to say.
00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:46.079
I deleted Instagram and hinge for my phone today.
00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:48.240
Oh I'm gonna say it.
00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:55.279
And I needed no I started on this journey now and must continue.
00:04:55.519 --> 00:05:01.360
I needed a poo, and I didn't know how to go for a poo without watching reels.
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:06.399
Oh god.
00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:10.079
So I re-downloaded Instagram to have a poo.
00:05:13.439 --> 00:05:17.680
But my point in all this was no, because there's an actual point there.
00:05:17.839 --> 00:05:29.920
The point was is that we have this addiction to this little device in our phones, and you're surveilling other people 24-7 to the point where it's actually an addiction.
00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:33.279
Um, of course, you feel surveilled.
00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:38.800
It feels like big brother, like someone is always watching me and judging me.
00:05:39.040 --> 00:05:43.360
I come home, my house isn't clean, and I feel so ashamed.
00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:48.160
I feel like I get so in my head, and like things have to look a certain way.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:50.879
My life has to feel a certain way.
00:05:51.120 --> 00:05:57.759
And when it feels like it's not happening, I think I freeze up and go into my little hermit shell.
00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:03.839
And that very much feels like what I've been allowing my life to come to.
00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:09.920
I'm so scared of things not being perfect that I would much rather not try and not start.
00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:37.439
And it's leaving me completely devoid of any meaningful experiences, and I'm so tired of restricting myself in this pursuit of perfection because perfectionism is surely a form of procrastination, and I think calling myself out and seeing it like that, I am my own worst enemy.
00:06:37.519 --> 00:06:39.279
I put way too much pressure on myself.
00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:40.879
I've always been this way, though.
00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:43.600
I don't remember a time when I wasn't hard on myself.
00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:45.600
I used to cry every day at school.
00:06:45.759 --> 00:06:47.439
I think I've definitely talked about this before.
00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:50.399
I was called Hailey Whaley because I cried so much.
00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:56.000
I've always felt things so intensely and really put so much pressure on my shoulders.
00:06:56.240 --> 00:07:01.439
But I sort of sat down myself today while I'm journaling and I'm thinking I'm 26 now.
00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:03.040
Who am I performing for?
00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:04.480
Who gives a fuck?
00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:06.879
Like, who actually cares?
00:07:07.120 --> 00:07:10.399
Who cares if I try to write a novel and it's shit?
00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:12.079
Who actually cares?
00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:16.639
The people that I went to school with probably don't even think about me.
00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:25.120
And if they have me on their social media and see me pause every now and again, and I and what I've put on weight.
00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:26.079
Who cares?
00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:30.240
I think I I've got into this blockade with running the half marathon as well.
00:07:30.480 --> 00:07:34.639
My half marathon is in three weeks now, and I'm so scared to go out and run.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:36.079
Why?
00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:54.959
Like, it's this intrinsic feeling inside of myself that if I fully allow myself to commit to something and give my all to something, it will go wrong, or the feeling of it going wrong when I've tried so hard will be so devastating that I can't fathom it.
00:07:55.199 --> 00:08:01.040
And it feels like that's why I pick the men that I pick, the relationships that I've been in.
00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:10.240
Like, I think from a mile off, you know, when you look back, and I know hindsight is 2020, but when I look back, it's like that was never gonna work.
00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:16.160
And I think a lot of my feelings when relationships end is anger towards myself.
00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:18.160
Because why did I do that?
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:20.399
Why did I allow that to happen to me?
00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:28.240
Yeah, of course I've not had a fulfilling relationship ever, because I'm the reason that I'm blocking things.
00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:34.240
And if you're listening and we've ever been together, that wasn't me putting it on me.
00:08:34.320 --> 00:08:35.840
You you're an asshole.
00:08:36.080 --> 00:08:43.600
Um but I have this feeling that I need to stop the surveillance.
00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:52.960
I'm so tired of every day I'm glimpsing into other people's lives and not putting the energy into my own.
00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:56.159
And how sad is that really when you think about it?
00:08:56.320 --> 00:08:58.879
Like my head hurts thinking about it.
00:08:59.200 --> 00:09:14.240
How much of my life have I dedicated to this tiny screen and seeing other people laugh and be happy and um not giving myself the same experiences?
00:09:14.639 --> 00:09:26.399
So I think, and this is a it feels scary, but I really like as part of my 66 until it sticks, I would like to go off social media for that duration.
00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:40.720
And I also what the moment I thought about that, I thought, oh, this podcast is actually just a diary, this is just a journal, this is a way of documenting my experiences, and immediately the pressure fell off.
00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:43.200
Immediately it felt like something I want to do.
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:53.440
Whereas when I was thinking about making an Instagram for it and thinking about getting followers, it felt so suffocating.
00:09:53.679 --> 00:10:07.840
And the moment that I thought about people not being able to see me, and maybe what my dad is now the only person listening to this, something about that feels so freeing that I feel like it's something I need to explore.
00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:16.240
I am so tired of living my life under the constraints of what people might think of me.
00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:18.000
I actually feel emotional.
00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:20.159
I can feel myself welling up.
00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:26.799
When I was sat down journaling, I remember distinctly posting a picture of me and my friends, and I thought it was a really pretty picture.
00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:35.360
And one of the boys screenshot that picture and put it in the group chat I was in, and people they all started laughing at me.
00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:41.759
And it didn't make any sense because I I when I look back, I can see the picture, and it was a nice picture.
00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:47.120
It was just us in the garden smiling together, and they were laughing at me so much.
00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:53.840
I think I defended myself by I think I commented back being like, oh yeah, that was a silly post, and deleted it.
00:10:54.000 --> 00:11:02.399
I felt people watching me in that moment at such a young primitive age, and I deleted the image because people didn't like it.
00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:07.759
And then the next time you post something, it's like, well, people laugh at me for posting this.
00:11:08.159 --> 00:11:10.879
When last time I was just smiling with my friends.
00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:22.960
And then when this device follows you everywhere, when it comes with you to the bathroom to have a shit, when it's the first thing you look at when you wake up, the last thing you see when you fall asleep.
00:11:23.120 --> 00:11:27.360
Of course, these ideas start to creep into your everyday life.
00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:32.399
Of course, I'm obsessed with the fact that my flat doesn't look like a Pinterest board.
00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:36.159
Of course, I feel too fat to have love in my life.
00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:40.480
Of course, I feel like my writing isn't as good as the other writers I've seen online.
00:11:40.960 --> 00:11:42.399
So what's the point in trying?
00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:47.279
But I think what I'm trying to say is I'm really fucking tired.
00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:55.360
I'm so exhausted of holding myself to these standards that I simply cannot meet.
00:11:55.600 --> 00:12:05.039
And because I can't meet them, I stay in my house on my phone looking at other people supposedly meeting them themselves.
00:12:05.600 --> 00:12:16.799
So, what I would like to do is from tomorrow for 66 days, and my whole thing is if I don't manage to complete a day, I think I would like to add an extra day on to the end.
00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:18.240
Like I'm not gonna stop and restart.
00:12:18.320 --> 00:12:24.159
I think I would like to move that day and put it back to the end, so then the date might be pushed out a few days.
00:12:24.480 --> 00:12:29.919
My my track record with consistency is going to say that it will.
00:12:30.159 --> 00:12:38.799
But for the 66-day duration, I would really like to take a step back from social media.
00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:47.039
I'd like to take a step back from online dating as well, because it started to feel so completely inauthentic.
00:12:47.200 --> 00:12:52.639
You know, back in the day, Tinder was the first of my generation, and I met a lot of people on Tinder.
00:12:52.799 --> 00:12:58.000
I had a a year, what year and a half long relationship from Tinder when I was much younger.
00:12:58.159 --> 00:13:07.759
Then Tinder sort of felt like it turned into just a hookup app, and then everyone moved to hinge and bumble, and now hinge feels like it's turned the same.
00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:13.519
But it feels like I'm putting time and energy into something that's not real.
00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:15.120
No, so I'll correct that.
00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:18.240
I'm putting time and energy into something that isn't real.
00:13:18.559 --> 00:13:21.759
When you can meet people outside, you can actually do that.
00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:30.960
Like if I stopped being on my phone so much and comparing myself to other people, and you know, you buy shit products just to put yourself in the same path as other people.
00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:41.679
If I stopped doing that and spending time and energy and money on all that, I might have money left over in the month to go and join a club and meet people in real life.
00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:43.679
So I think that's where I'm at.
00:13:43.840 --> 00:13:45.279
It feels really scary.
00:13:45.440 --> 00:13:46.480
You know what they say?
00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:47.840
Do it scared.
00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:54.799
So I've been rambling so much now that I actually don't know where do we go from here.
00:13:55.120 --> 00:14:00.399
I think I wanted to jump back on now to I was gonna say hold myself accountable.
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:03.360
There's absolutely no fucking point in saying that, because how many times have I said that?
00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:22.879
It was a there was thoughts that I've had in my head that I've been writing down, and it felt like I needed to express them, and I don't feel any need to filter or bring anything more than these rambling thoughts that I have currently, which in itself is quite freeing, is it not?
00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:29.039
In a world that is so lacking of any authenticity, you're fucking welcome.
00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:38.399
I think I would really like to take some time to figure out who I am, and you know what?
00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:41.200
You know what it is, it's a challenge, yeah.
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:42.879
Hooray! Do you remember?
00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:54.000
I used to have the iCarly, what was the remote control, and when you when you tapped it would go hooray! It didn't sound exactly like that.
00:14:55.360 --> 00:15:00.480
It's been a long day, but I'd like to I'd like to hit myself up on this challenge.
00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:03.279
I don't know where I'm going with this now.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:04.720
I've been talking for too long.
00:15:04.879 --> 00:15:08.320
I can't even fathom the the version that you are hearing right now.
00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:15.200
I can't even imagine how much stuff I've cut out because this is what's been pre-approved by myself to go online.
00:15:15.519 --> 00:15:18.080
You should be really scared about what wasn't.
00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:26.080
So I think what I'm gonna do is, you know, when I was like, I'm gonna set myself challenges each week.
00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:27.679
Yeah, I want to continue to do that.
00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:28.720
That would be really nice.
00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:34.559
But I think I'm going to do my 66 till it sticks starting from tomorrow.
00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:39.600
And I am going to read out the things that I have created.
00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:41.440
Just so you're in the loop.
00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:42.879
I need to get my journal open.
00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:48.720
So my rules are one, four runs a week slash 10,000 steps a day.
00:15:48.879 --> 00:15:53.679
Because if you're doing like a 10k, that's getting you over your 10k step count.
00:15:53.840 --> 00:15:58.240
But I thought on the days that I'm not running, I would still like to move my feet.
00:15:58.399 --> 00:16:00.000
That counted as one.
00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:01.200
Yeah, it did.
00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:04.960
Two, journal slash meditate every evening.
00:16:05.279 --> 00:16:07.679
For a journal today, and you know what I've done.
00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:09.440
Downloaded the Headspace app.
00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:11.840
So that's what I want to do this evening before I go to bed.
00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:15.120
Three, write 500 words a day.
00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:16.639
I'll say no more on that.
00:16:16.799 --> 00:16:18.320
You don't need to know about my novel.
00:16:18.399 --> 00:16:20.320
I'm not sharing my progress.
00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:21.279
It's for me.
00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:22.799
Get off my back.
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:23.519
Four.
00:16:24.320 --> 00:16:26.639
Drink two litres of water day.
00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:28.480
Plus a healthier diet.
00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:29.519
Goes without saying.
00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:30.320
You know what I did?
00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:33.360
Was the app that you you track your calorie count?
00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:34.480
I actually really enjoyed it.
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:37.120
My fitness pal didn't realise it was 15 quid a month.
00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:38.240
What the fuck?
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:43.759
So maybe if I have more money next month, I will redownload it and I will stick to it.
00:16:43.919 --> 00:16:44.879
I didn't mind doing it.
00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:46.480
I thought it was gonna be very triggering.
00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:50.799
Actually, I found it quite interesting and a bit scientific.
00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:54.320
Five, reduce screen time to four hours or less.
00:16:54.480 --> 00:17:02.000
What I would like to say is if I'm not going on wheels while I'm having a poo, that is a that made it sound like a shit all day.
00:17:02.559 --> 00:17:06.559
For fuck's sake, I get a lot of fibre in my diet.
00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:07.920
I'm a vegetarian.
00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:13.119
My point is, I'm deleting Instagram, so the screen time's going to go down.
00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:13.839
Six.
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:16.480
Read one chapter every morning and evening.
00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:19.599
I've just downloaded uh what's it, Love Hypothesis?
00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:25.119
I want to read it before the film comes out because I've really enjoyed Lily Winehart's Press 2 outfits.
00:17:25.279 --> 00:17:26.960
And you know what I won't know?
00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:31.759
I won't know about Press 2 outfits when I've deleted Instagram for 66 days.
00:17:31.920 --> 00:17:32.880
Let me tell you that much.
00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:34.400
Let me enjoy it while I can.
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:36.000
That's my intentions.
00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:39.039
I've set myself on my fridge.
00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:43.440
I've got 1 to 66 on post-it notes.
00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:47.920
And every day that I do all of these things, I'm gonna rip it off.
00:17:48.079 --> 00:17:49.680
What's gonna be the most difficult thing?
00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:52.720
Because it's not like every day I have to go for a run, so that's fine.
00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:56.160
I think I judge is 10,000 steps a day gonna be difficult.
00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:59.039
So I I sit on my ass for my job.
00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:05.759
And sometimes, especially when it's getting to be colder weather, I get really in my head and I'm like, I don't want to leave the house today.
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:09.359
So I think it's gonna be difficult to force myself to leave the house.
00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:17.279
I also watch a lot of true crime, so I really convince myself I'm gonna get napped on a little walk.
00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:20.480
So I think I need to stop watching as much true crime.
00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:23.359
I need to find another outlet, it's just not healthy for me.
00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:25.759
So I think that's gonna be the most difficult thing.
00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:35.759
Bought a new water bottle, and I have bought new glass Tupperware because my last collection of Tupperware, this is really interesting.
00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:37.200
Thank you for sticking around this long.
00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:39.599
My last Tupperware melted.
00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:40.079
Yeah.
00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:44.559
I put hot food into my Tupperware and it melted the plastic.
00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:49.519
I can't even imagine how many doses of microplastics I've got in my gut right now.
00:18:49.759 --> 00:18:51.359
Journaling, I think, will be nice.
00:18:51.599 --> 00:18:52.319
Meditation.
00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:56.559
I did get into a habit of that at my old job, and it really, really helped me.
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:01.440
I remember I would do my meditation exercises while I was in the office because it was so stressful.
00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:06.960
Doing breathing exercises, like that is not a breathing exercise.
00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:08.720
That's called having a panic attack.
00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:10.000
That was where I was going wrong.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:12.799
But I think all those things will be manageable.
00:19:13.200 --> 00:19:16.079
I I really think my my struggle will be leaving the house.
00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:17.279
I'm a hermit.
00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:18.240
Oh god.
00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:20.319
Especially when it starts to get dark outside.
00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:24.559
I look outside and I go, oh, there's death out there.
00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:28.400
But uh, I could, you know, those days that I work from home, I could walk on my lunch break.
00:19:28.559 --> 00:19:30.799
There's actually, you know what, quite frankly, there's no excuse.
00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:32.559
I live a very privileged life.
00:19:32.720 --> 00:19:34.480
Anyway, that's my intention.
00:19:34.720 --> 00:19:35.839
Fingers crossed for me.
00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:36.640
God help me.
00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:38.559
God help you, because you're gonna be listening.
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:43.200
I've set in my calendar to every Wednesday record a podcast episode.
00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:44.720
I've been talking for way too long.
00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:47.359
I know you're bored of me because I'm bored of myself.
00:19:47.599 --> 00:19:49.200
So that's me.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:50.559
I'm alive.
00:19:50.720 --> 00:19:51.920
Hello, hello.
00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:56.000
And I'm gonna keep you in the loop because this is what we're doing now.
00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:57.680
This is the relationship that we have.
00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:03.440
It's kind of casual, but we also you know, we check in on each other regularly.
00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:13.599
I don't ask you how you are because that doesn't matter to me, but I will tell you how I am, and that's the sort of relationship that we have, and you love it, actually.
00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:16.480
I feel like my energy has dwindled off towards the end of this.
00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:17.839
What time is it?
00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:22.640
It's 10 to 10, that's why I'm so tired.
00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:24.640
It's 10 to 10 on a Wednesday.
00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:28.799
People who stay up late, I don't know how you do it.
00:20:29.039 --> 00:20:31.200
It doesn't make any sense to me.
00:20:31.680 --> 00:20:36.720
That bed is crying out my name right now, and I must be snuggled up in it.
00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:37.519
I must be.
00:20:37.759 --> 00:20:38.880
So I'm going now.
00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:39.920
Oh, you know what?
00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.000
I think I've got time to have a sleepy time tea.
00:20:42.319 --> 00:20:47.920
I had a sleepy time tea on Sunday evening.
00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:53.039
Genuinely, it was a close call for me waking up at all.
00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:54.960
That thing knocked me out.
00:20:55.359 --> 00:21:02.000
So, experiment, experiment, let's have another sleepy time tea tonight and I'll see if I wake up.
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:07.039
Um, if there's not another episode, this sleepy time tea got me.
00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:08.640
Good night, God bless.
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:11.279
Uh, yeah, I'll probably see you again.
00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:12.160
Let's hope.
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:15.359
Uh sweet dreams, little angels.
