WEBVTT
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Welcome back.
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I want to start off by asking a question.
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I love asking questions.
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And I've been thinking about if have you ever read a text message and then felt your whole mood change?
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And then you find out later that the person meant something completely different than what you thought.
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You could literally read a text message that says, okay.
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Period.
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It's one word.
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And we can make that one word text message mean something completely different than what was intended.
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All of a sudden we have a situation.
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And you read it again, you think about the last conversation you had with the person, you wonder if you said too much, and then you're trying to decide whether you should have said something else.
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And meanwhile, the other person's in the grocery store somewhere holding their groceries.
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And meanwhile, something inside of you is wondering what happened.
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And so we're going to talk today about what happened inside of you when you read that text message that said, okay.
00:02:25.370 --> 00:02:32.090
And so last week in our conversation, we talked about decision making.
00:02:32.890 --> 00:02:42.250
And we explored what it means to trust ourselves and to move with what we already know.
00:02:43.210 --> 00:02:50.490
And today I want to spend some time with a question that lives right beside that.
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And it has to do with when something feels true, and the operative word is feels, when something feels true, how do we listen to it carefully?
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Because sometimes when we feel something before we have words, our chest can tighten, our face gets flush and warm, and we start to want to either pull away or explain ourselves or come up with a narrative, or we even could send a text message response that we probably should have read one more time before we sent it.
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And sometimes we come up with these narratives so immediately that we don't even notice what's happening.
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And we start to think of these narratives or stories that I call them, things like they don't respect me.
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Something is about to go wrong, or things like I should have done something different, right?
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And so today we're going to explore emotions and feelings and the meaning that we give to our emotions and our feelings.
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And so I want to just take a moment and think about our everyday conversations and how we speak and use the words emotions and feelings almost interchangeably.
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And to the point that a lot of times people don't always define the words in the way that they are intended.
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So I'm going to offer a way today to just notice and think of the words, emotions, and feelings, and we're just going to have a conversation.
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You're not going to have to remember anything, but I want you to think of emotion as the broader experience, meaning what is happening in your body, what has your body's attention?
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What do you feel drawn to?
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Like how that moment matters.
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And when we've used the word feeling, I'm talking about your conscious experience, your awareness of that experience.
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Like, are you afraid?
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Are you angry?
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Are you sad?
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Are you relieved or joyful?
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Then there is the interpretation.
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And that's the meaning you give to what is happening.
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And sometimes these arrive together.
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Sometimes a thought starts the whole thing, and then sometimes you notice a sensation first.
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Sometimes they happen simultaneously.
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But we're gonna slow down just enough to ask some different questions so that we can really imagine drawing out and slowing down the experience so that we can see clearly, so that we can feel clearly.
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And when we slow it down, we ask questions like, what do I notice in my body?
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We ask questions like, what am I feeling in my body?
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For example, my stomach feels tight.
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That is the physicality.
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And when the stomach feels tight, I can ask myself, if my stomach had words, what would it say?
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I feel anxious, right?
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And then we start to add a conclusion from the physical sensation, and the conclusion becomes something like someone's upset with me.
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And those are related conclusions, but they're not identical.
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And here's where the distinction starts to become clear, right?
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Because we can acknowledge the anxiety, and we can look at what actually happened, and then we can ask a question, and we can discover whether there's actually a problem that needs our attention.
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Think about how often we say things like, I feel like you don't care.
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And recognize the hurt that comes with that sentence.
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Recognize that there may be a history of someone failing to show up in that sentence.
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But the you don't care is a conclusion about another person.
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And so what happens if we get specific?
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If we get specific, we can say something like, I felt lonely when I was talking, and you kept looking at your phone.
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Now we have an experience and an observable behavior, which is more concrete.
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That gives a person the opportunity to clarify.
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Sometimes the person may respond well, they may not, but clear language gives the opportunity, a better opportunity.
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It helps us speak with more accuracy about our life.
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And so I think that this gets complicated when we've worked hard to trust ourselves.
00:10:50.810 --> 00:11:01.210
Maybe you've spent years being told you were too sensitive, or maybe people explained things that hurt you.
00:11:01.370 --> 00:11:08.330
Maybe you learned to check everybody else's reactions before you allowed yourself to have your own.
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Then you begin to listen inwardly.
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And that's what matters.
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But you also may begin to think: if I question my interpretation, am I abandoning myself again?
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But there's a difference between approaching yourself with contempt and approaching yourself with curiosity.
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Have you explored that difference?
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Because if you're approaching a conversation with contempt, it sounds something like you're being ridiculous.
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That's contempt.
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Right?
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But if you're approaching the conversation with curiosity, it sounds something like something about this felt like it hurt.
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Let's try to understand that.
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That leaves room for curiosity, and so self-trust can include the ability to change the interpretation.
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You can learn something new without deciding that it was wrong.
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You can actually say, I misunderstood the message.
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Or it could sound something like I didn't understand.
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And this requires something, it requires a couple of things, but one of the things that it requires is honesty.
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And it also requires humility, and this is something that when we are operating and letting our emotions govern our thoughts, we act out of contempt versus curiosity.
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So I ask that we practice the pause.
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Sometimes the next step is a pause and wait.
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I always present that restraint, or another word for restraint is self-control, is the pause while we wait for clarity.
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And in that pause, we can ask questions, right?
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And sometimes that next step is a question.
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Sometimes that next step is a boundary.
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Sometimes you have enough information to act, but the pause is there while you wait for discernment.
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Right?
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And that feeling, that's the feeling that arrives after a decision.
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And let's bring this back to our last conversation.
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You make a decision, it feels clear when you make it, right?
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And then somebody's disappointed.
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Suddenly you feel guilty.
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Your chest gets heavy, you start rehearsing an explanation, maybe you reach for your phone to kind of distract from the boundary that you just set.
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And then the question becomes: if this was the right decision, why do I feel so bad?
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That is a question worth exploring.
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And it doesn't always have one answer.
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Maybe you spoke harshly, and there's some repair to make.
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Maybe you overlooked something that was important.
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Or maybe you made a thoughtful decision that still disappoints somebody you love.
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That feeling alone doesn't tell you which of those things were happening.
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You can look at the details.
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You might discover that you want to apologize for your tone, but you could still keep the same answer.
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You can decide that you want a very different response.
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And that's still okay, too.
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And sometimes the feeling that comes after a decision is grief.
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You choose something necessary, and you miss what you hoped would have happened instead.
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We talked about that last time.
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And this is a real feeling, and you can feel relief, and you can also feel sadness all in the same decision.
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You can love somebody and still need more distance, and we don't always have to force one feeling to cancel out another one.
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Sometimes it's just more honest to say both feelings are present.
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And so when I speak about devotion, I'm interested in how we remain present.
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And that includes the moments when we would rather kind of tidy up things before anybody finds out or before anybody sees the decision or feels the decision that we made.
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You may already know all the reasons that you shouldn't feel what you're feeling.
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There's just enough honesty.
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So let's make this practical.
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If you're driving or doing something that needs your attention, stay with that.
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You can return to this part later.
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But if you have a quiet moment, you can let your eyes stay open and just notice where you are.
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Choose something mildly uncomfortable from the last few days.
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Something that's just uncomfortable enough that you can still approach with a little curiosity.
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Maybe it's a short exchange, maybe it's an unanswered message.
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You don't need to choose the hardest thing in your life.
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And now first what happened?
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And try describing what someone could have seen or heard.
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Maybe you ask a question and they change the subject.
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Maybe you sent a message yesterday and haven't received an answer.
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Now what do you notice as you remember?
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What do you notice in your body?
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Is there tension in your face?
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Is there a heaviness?
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Maybe there's nothing distinct that's an answer to.
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And if focusing inward feels uncomfortable, look around the room and let your attention rest on something that is familiar.
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Can you name a feeling?
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Maybe it's hurt or irritation.
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Maybe worry or disappointment.
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Or maybe uncertainty.
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And even an I'm not sure is welcome here too.
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Now I want you to ask what meaning have I given to this feeling?
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What meaning have I given to what I'm feeling?
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Maybe it's an I don't matter or they're taking advantage of me.
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Or maybe it's an if I say no, then this relationship will change.
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Just notice the interpretation that you're giving.
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And you don't have to defend it or erase it.
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Just notice it.
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And then I want you to notice what supports that interpretation.
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What's still in the unknown?
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Or maybe this is a part of a repeated pattern.
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And maybe there's some context that you don't even have yet.
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Maybe you need to ask something directly.
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And then finally, what would be considered a next step?
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And it could be a small step.
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It could be as small as waiting until after lunch to respond.
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It could be something like keeping your original plan.
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Or it could even be something like I want to come back to the question that I asked initially.
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And let's just let this exercise end here.
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Because you don't have to solve the whole situation in this moment.
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This is just an exercise.
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And now I want you to notice the room again.
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Maybe move a little.
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And then as we close, I want to return to the question that we started out with.
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And it is can I take what I feel seriously while staying curious about what it means?
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And for you, that might begin with allowing a feeling that you usually dismiss.
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And then for someone else who might have spent years questioning themselves, it may just mean acknowledging that the evidence is already there.
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And let that inform what comes next.
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And there isn't just one response that fits all of these moments, but this is a practice that you can use to find honesty around your feelings.
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It looks like this is what actually happened, and this is what I feel, and this is what I think it means.
00:24:51.850 --> 00:24:59.049
And this is what I know, and this is what I still need to understand.
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Because sometimes you feel it before you actually know what it means.
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And you're allowed to take a pause.
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When you would rush past that listening.
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Until next time.
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Welcome back.
00:00:45.770 --> 00:00:49.370
I want to start off by asking a question.
00:00:49.530 --> 00:00:51.289
I love asking questions.
00:00:52.250 --> 00:01:02.570
And I've been thinking about if have you ever read a text message and then felt your whole mood change?
00:01:03.370 --> 00:01:11.930
And then you find out later that the person meant something completely different than what you thought.
00:01:12.969 --> 00:01:19.289
You could literally read a text message that says, okay.
00:01:20.650 --> 00:01:21.450
Period.
00:01:23.050 --> 00:01:24.409
It's one word.
00:01:25.609 --> 00:01:36.730
And we can make that one word text message mean something completely different than what was intended.
00:01:37.050 --> 00:01:39.129
All of a sudden we have a situation.
00:01:40.090 --> 00:01:54.729
And you read it again, you think about the last conversation you had with the person, you wonder if you said too much, and then you're trying to decide whether you should have said something else.
00:01:55.289 --> 00:02:03.129
And meanwhile, the other person's in the grocery store somewhere holding their groceries.
00:02:04.250 --> 00:02:10.969
And meanwhile, something inside of you is wondering what happened.
00:02:11.849 --> 00:02:23.530
And so we're going to talk today about what happened inside of you when you read that text message that said, okay.
00:02:25.370 --> 00:02:32.090
And so last week in our conversation, we talked about decision making.
00:02:32.890 --> 00:02:42.250
And we explored what it means to trust ourselves and to move with what we already know.
00:02:43.210 --> 00:02:50.490
And today I want to spend some time with a question that lives right beside that.
00:02:52.409 --> 00:03:08.810
And it has to do with when something feels true, and the operative word is feels, when something feels true, how do we listen to it carefully?
00:03:10.170 --> 00:03:44.250
Because sometimes when we feel something before we have words, our chest can tighten, our face gets flush and warm, and we start to want to either pull away or explain ourselves or come up with a narrative, or we even could send a text message response that we probably should have read one more time before we sent it.
00:03:45.770 --> 00:03:55.849
And sometimes we come up with these narratives so immediately that we don't even notice what's happening.
00:03:56.090 --> 00:04:07.689
And we start to think of these narratives or stories that I call them, things like they don't respect me.
00:04:09.290 --> 00:04:19.209
Something is about to go wrong, or things like I should have done something different, right?
00:04:19.449 --> 00:04:32.889
And so today we're going to explore emotions and feelings and the meaning that we give to our emotions and our feelings.
00:04:33.849 --> 00:04:54.649
And so I want to just take a moment and think about our everyday conversations and how we speak and use the words emotions and feelings almost interchangeably.
00:04:55.370 --> 00:05:05.609
And to the point that a lot of times people don't always define the words in the way that they are intended.
00:05:06.089 --> 00:05:23.769
So I'm going to offer a way today to just notice and think of the words, emotions, and feelings, and we're just going to have a conversation.
00:05:24.329 --> 00:05:41.689
You're not going to have to remember anything, but I want you to think of emotion as the broader experience, meaning what is happening in your body, what has your body's attention?
00:05:43.049 --> 00:05:45.129
What do you feel drawn to?
00:05:45.689 --> 00:05:48.489
Like how that moment matters.
00:05:49.529 --> 00:06:05.529
And when we've used the word feeling, I'm talking about your conscious experience, your awareness of that experience.
00:06:07.129 --> 00:06:10.169
Like, are you afraid?
00:06:10.729 --> 00:06:12.009
Are you angry?
00:06:12.489 --> 00:06:13.449
Are you sad?
00:06:14.409 --> 00:06:17.129
Are you relieved or joyful?
00:06:18.810 --> 00:06:21.289
Then there is the interpretation.
00:06:22.329 --> 00:06:27.689
And that's the meaning you give to what is happening.
00:06:29.129 --> 00:06:33.930
And sometimes these arrive together.
00:06:34.810 --> 00:06:42.250
Sometimes a thought starts the whole thing, and then sometimes you notice a sensation first.
00:06:43.609 --> 00:06:47.049
Sometimes they happen simultaneously.
00:06:48.329 --> 00:07:14.329
But we're gonna slow down just enough to ask some different questions so that we can really imagine drawing out and slowing down the experience so that we can see clearly, so that we can feel clearly.
00:07:15.849 --> 00:07:24.569
And when we slow it down, we ask questions like, what do I notice in my body?
00:07:26.489 --> 00:07:34.329
We ask questions like, what am I feeling in my body?
00:07:35.209 --> 00:07:39.289
For example, my stomach feels tight.
00:07:41.609 --> 00:07:44.250
That is the physicality.
00:07:46.250 --> 00:07:58.409
And when the stomach feels tight, I can ask myself, if my stomach had words, what would it say?
00:08:00.169 --> 00:08:03.849
I feel anxious, right?
00:08:04.969 --> 00:08:25.689
And then we start to add a conclusion from the physical sensation, and the conclusion becomes something like someone's upset with me.
00:08:27.529 --> 00:08:36.009
And those are related conclusions, but they're not identical.
00:08:37.210 --> 00:08:43.610
And here's where the distinction starts to become clear, right?
00:08:43.850 --> 00:09:08.409
Because we can acknowledge the anxiety, and we can look at what actually happened, and then we can ask a question, and we can discover whether there's actually a problem that needs our attention.
00:09:11.370 --> 00:09:16.650
Think about how often we say things like, I feel like you don't care.
00:09:18.810 --> 00:09:26.009
And recognize the hurt that comes with that sentence.
00:09:27.769 --> 00:09:37.610
Recognize that there may be a history of someone failing to show up in that sentence.
00:09:39.530 --> 00:09:45.210
But the you don't care is a conclusion about another person.
00:09:46.250 --> 00:09:48.970
And so what happens if we get specific?
00:09:50.170 --> 00:10:04.410
If we get specific, we can say something like, I felt lonely when I was talking, and you kept looking at your phone.
00:10:05.530 --> 00:10:15.610
Now we have an experience and an observable behavior, which is more concrete.
00:10:17.690 --> 00:10:22.650
That gives a person the opportunity to clarify.
00:10:23.690 --> 00:10:34.490
Sometimes the person may respond well, they may not, but clear language gives the opportunity, a better opportunity.
00:10:35.050 --> 00:10:39.930
It helps us speak with more accuracy about our life.
00:10:41.370 --> 00:10:49.930
And so I think that this gets complicated when we've worked hard to trust ourselves.
00:10:50.810 --> 00:11:01.210
Maybe you've spent years being told you were too sensitive, or maybe people explained things that hurt you.
00:11:01.370 --> 00:11:08.330
Maybe you learned to check everybody else's reactions before you allowed yourself to have your own.
00:11:10.170 --> 00:11:12.810
Then you begin to listen inwardly.
00:11:14.250 --> 00:11:16.410
And that's what matters.
00:11:17.450 --> 00:11:27.850
But you also may begin to think: if I question my interpretation, am I abandoning myself again?
00:11:29.129 --> 00:11:37.530
But there's a difference between approaching yourself with contempt and approaching yourself with curiosity.
00:11:40.170 --> 00:11:42.410
Have you explored that difference?
00:11:43.610 --> 00:11:55.050
Because if you're approaching a conversation with contempt, it sounds something like you're being ridiculous.
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That's contempt.
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Right?
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But if you're approaching the conversation with curiosity, it sounds something like something about this felt like it hurt.
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Let's try to understand that.
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That leaves room for curiosity, and so self-trust can include the ability to change the interpretation.
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You can learn something new without deciding that it was wrong.
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You can actually say, I misunderstood the message.
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Or it could sound something like I didn't understand.
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And this requires something, it requires a couple of things, but one of the things that it requires is honesty.
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And it also requires humility, and this is something that when we are operating and letting our emotions govern our thoughts, we act out of contempt versus curiosity.
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So I ask that we practice the pause.
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Sometimes the next step is a pause and wait.
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I always present that restraint, or another word for restraint is self-control, is the pause while we wait for clarity.
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And in that pause, we can ask questions, right?
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And sometimes that next step is a question.
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Sometimes that next step is a boundary.
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Sometimes you have enough information to act, but the pause is there while you wait for discernment.
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Right?
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And that feeling, that's the feeling that arrives after a decision.
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And let's bring this back to our last conversation.
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You make a decision, it feels clear when you make it, right?
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And then somebody's disappointed.
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Suddenly you feel guilty.
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Your chest gets heavy, you start rehearsing an explanation, maybe you reach for your phone to kind of distract from the boundary that you just set.
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And then the question becomes: if this was the right decision, why do I feel so bad?
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That is a question worth exploring.
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And it doesn't always have one answer.
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Maybe you spoke harshly, and there's some repair to make.
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Maybe you overlooked something that was important.
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Or maybe you made a thoughtful decision that still disappoints somebody you love.
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That feeling alone doesn't tell you which of those things were happening.
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You can look at the details.
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You might discover that you want to apologize for your tone, but you could still keep the same answer.
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You can decide that you want a very different response.
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And that's still okay, too.
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And sometimes the feeling that comes after a decision is grief.
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You choose something necessary, and you miss what you hoped would have happened instead.
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We talked about that last time.
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And this is a real feeling, and you can feel relief, and you can also feel sadness all in the same decision.
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You can love somebody and still need more distance, and we don't always have to force one feeling to cancel out another one.
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Sometimes it's just more honest to say both feelings are present.
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And so when I speak about devotion, I'm interested in how we remain present.
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And that includes the moments when we would rather kind of tidy up things before anybody finds out or before anybody sees the decision or feels the decision that we made.
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You may already know all the reasons that you shouldn't feel what you're feeling.
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There's just enough honesty.
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So let's make this practical.
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If you're driving or doing something that needs your attention, stay with that.
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You can return to this part later.
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But if you have a quiet moment, you can let your eyes stay open and just notice where you are.
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Choose something mildly uncomfortable from the last few days.
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Something that's just uncomfortable enough that you can still approach with a little curiosity.
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Maybe it's a short exchange, maybe it's an unanswered message.
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You don't need to choose the hardest thing in your life.
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And now first what happened?
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And try describing what someone could have seen or heard.
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Maybe you ask a question and they change the subject.
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Maybe you sent a message yesterday and haven't received an answer.
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Now what do you notice as you remember?
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What do you notice in your body?
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Is there tension in your face?
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Is there a heaviness?
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Maybe there's nothing distinct that's an answer to.
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And if focusing inward feels uncomfortable, look around the room and let your attention rest on something that is familiar.
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Can you name a feeling?
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Maybe it's hurt or irritation.
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Maybe worry or disappointment.
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Or maybe uncertainty.
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And even an I'm not sure is welcome here too.
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Now I want you to ask what meaning have I given to this feeling?
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What meaning have I given to what I'm feeling?
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Maybe it's an I don't matter or they're taking advantage of me.
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Or maybe it's an if I say no, then this relationship will change.
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Just notice the interpretation that you're giving.
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And you don't have to defend it or erase it.
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Just notice it.
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And then I want you to notice what supports that interpretation.
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What's still in the unknown?
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Or maybe this is a part of a repeated pattern.
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And maybe there's some context that you don't even have yet.
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Maybe you need to ask something directly.
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And then finally, what would be considered a next step?
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And it could be a small step.
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It could be as small as waiting until after lunch to respond.
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It could be something like keeping your original plan.
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Or it could even be something like I want to come back to the question that I asked initially.
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And let's just let this exercise end here.
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Because you don't have to solve the whole situation in this moment.
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This is just an exercise.
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And now I want you to notice the room again.
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Maybe move a little.
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And then as we close, I want to return to the question that we started out with.
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And it is can I take what I feel seriously while staying curious about what it means?
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And for you, that might begin with allowing a feeling that you usually dismiss.
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And then for someone else who might have spent years questioning themselves, it may just mean acknowledging that the evidence is already there.
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And let that inform what comes next.
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And there isn't just one response that fits all of these moments, but this is a practice that you can use to find honesty around your feelings.
00:24:38.569 --> 00:24:49.690
It looks like this is what actually happened, and this is what I feel, and this is what I think it means.
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And this is what I know, and this is what I still need to understand.
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Because sometimes you feel it before you actually know what it means.
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And you're allowed to take a pause.
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When you would rush past that listening.
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Until next time.
