Supporting Your Partner Through The 1st Trimester

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What's up, guys. Welcome back to Smith's on Demand. Make
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sure you like subscribe, do all the things. We're super
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excited to come with this new video because as someone
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who has been through not one, but two miscarriages, we
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have learned a lot about how to support each other
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during a first trimester. Each trimester was different, it got worse.
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The first one was bad, the second one was really bad.
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But we have learned so many different things. So we
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just want to share what those things are so that
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if you are and expecting couple, or if you're someone
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who is also struggling with your first trimester, hopefully these
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tips and tipbits can help you.
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Welcome to Cow's Conversations, Smith's on Demand.
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We need a little something, yeah, you know, like a
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lit I'll come up with one. I'll come up with one.
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But I first want to talk about communication because one
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thing that Drey and I have always done really well
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is making sure that we communicate and like prepare and
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plan ahead of time. So from the very beginning, everyone
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needs to tell us like, oh, well, you can't plan
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to have a baby. There's no perfect time. And we
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were like very adamant about being strategic and making sure
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that certain conversations were had, certain expectations were shared, and
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that we were on the same page with what we
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were wanting out of life as we transitioned into starting
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a family. So we created a document and all of
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our friends know this. They think it's funny, but also
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they have been using it as a method for themselves too.
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But me and Dre, anytime we communicate anything, we usually
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always have like a form of a spreadsheet or a
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document or a note created because I'm a firm believer
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that if you create a plan, it should be written down.
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It should be something you can go back look at
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and hold yourself accountable too. So we did a doc
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where I came up with my points of like my
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expectations or what I thought would support me. I had
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eight items listed. Dre had three.
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Well, I would say before we did that.
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What made this challenging in the first place was that
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we got pregnant the second time, like unexpected, like we
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were not trying. We were sitting there like when we
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were this happened.
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We were planning to try for baby second time. In July,
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we found out we were pregnant.
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In yeah, So this so we had a plan to
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sit down and talk about what we were going to do,
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what our expect was going to be, how the last
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time went. But then it kind of just came and
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hit us, and we came out the gates stumbling as
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a couple being on the same page. So that's when
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we developed what Bria is talking about.
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Yeah, very very valid point. It was one of those
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things where we're like, oh, we forgot to prepare for this,
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because we weren't preparing for it right like we thought
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we had two more months before we were back in
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the first shremester boat. So my things that I listed
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and Dre's things that he listed, we talked it over.
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He agreed that the things on my list were doable.
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I agreed the things on his list were doable. And
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I think for the second time, we just had some
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unresolved things and feelings from our first experience and that
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first miscarriage that I don't think either of us really
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knew about. But then also keep in mind as we
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are going through getting pregnant, having a miscarriage, getting pregnant,
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and then now going through basically the same experience as
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last time, where we go to the appointment, we don't
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hear a heartbeat, but it's not a solid you're having
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a miscarriage. They're like, well, it's faint, it's there, but
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it's not consistent. It was almost like giving us hope,
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but at the same time sending us home and being like,
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see you in a few weeks. And that was the
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most hard part of everything because having to wait and
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not knowing what's happening. It just thoughts because you're kind
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of just like in limbo. But the other part that
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was really really hard was just how sick I was,
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and so it meant that the expectations I had of
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dre were even heightened because I just couldn't take care
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of myself. I was struggling to literally even just getting
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up and taking a shower was hard. So it was
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just very difficult. So long story short, when it comes
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to the communication, it is important that after you express
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like this is what I'm expecting or this is what
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I need, that you share examples and give like support
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to the person to be able to do that. So
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I'm going to try to think of one good example.
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Oh okay, so, like I had said, food, right, Like,
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since I don't have an appetite and all these things
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are happening, it's going to be moments where I'm sporadically
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really hungry and I need something like right away. But
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most of the time I'm gonna be nauseous and I'm
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not gonna want anything at all, but still try to, like,
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you know, get me to eat something that is very vague, right,
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it's like food, make sure I'm eating. What I had
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to end up doing, like a week or two after,
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was like, okay, I had to be really specific. I
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was like, in the morning, when you wake up, brew
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me a cup of tea and just sit it on
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my nightstand. I don't care if it's cold by the
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time I wake up, just sit on my nightstand because
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that'll help me with like getting out the bed. And
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then second, my nausea is all day long, but it
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hits the hardest when I actually get up out of bed.
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So like, if I stay in bed all day, the
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nausea is like doable. But the moment I put my
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feet on the ground, I stand up and I start moving,
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it's like someone threw me off a ship and I'm
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just like whoa out here? So I was like, toast,
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just toast one piece of toast. You don't have to
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put anything on it. And just set that next to
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the tea. So if I'm waking up, I have my
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toast and have my tea. So like, that's the difference
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between saying like food and being like, here is an
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exact example of what I would like you to do,
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and it's something that's easy, effortless, but just show up
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in that way, right. So I would say that because
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we had to come back to the expectations and be
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like you're not doing them, why aren't you doing it?
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And get really, really really clear on what that was.
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So anything else for expectations, Yeah.
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So two things as far as expectation and communication. I
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would say that Brian and I have been together for
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what eight years now, and one thing this process taught
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me around expectations. It's something that people who are in
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relationships they could take away from this, And it might
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sound weird in the beginning, but I think you'll understand
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that as I explained, it is a lot of people
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need to lower the expectations that they come into a
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relationship with. And it's not necessarily meaning lower your standards
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for the person you want to be with. It's instead
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of coming in with so much expectations, set the expectations
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within your relationship, because really, what expectations are is I
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expect you to know this without me communicating it to you, right,
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And that's where we get in trouble.
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Think about it.
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When you're expecting somebody to do something you expect, you're
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hoping or feeling that they should know how to do
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it without you actually saying to them, I need you
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to do this, and that's dangerous going into a relationship,
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so or going into different phases of your relationship. So
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I think that's something that we learned that it was like, Okay,
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we went into this process expecting a lot of things
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from each other instead of coming into it and setting
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the expectations. So we kind of shifted mid this first
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trimester of going from oh, we expected this of one
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another versus, let's start setting the expectation for what we want.
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And that's what were described. So I would suggest to
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anybody as you're entering into relationships, as you're entering into
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different phases of your life in a relationship, go in
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with less expectations, going willing to set expectations with each other,
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because if you assume somebody's gonna know something, that's when
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you'll start to get in trouble. And the second thing
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based off what she said is that we have some
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like unresolved things. One of my coaches in college always
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said that we're all like tea bags. You don't know
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what's in us until workplace in hot water. And that's
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so true like in relationships. And I tell people all
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the time that every moment in your relationship is like
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the brick that you're laying for the house your relationship
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would be in and built on. And the thing that
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sucks about problems in your home is that you don't
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understand it's a problem until the storm comes. Right that's
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when you figure out that this thing leaks, if you know,
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rain comes and all that. So it's like for so long,
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brion I were like, we're good, we're good, we're happy,
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like and we were very happy. But we really thought
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we had an understanding of each other and knew each
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other all up and down and there was no issues.
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But we didn't realize is that there were some cracks
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in the foundation. There was some things in the roof
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that need to be sealed. So when that storm came unexpectedly,
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our house was not prepared like we thought it was
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to ride out what that storm and new phase of
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our life was going to be. So we had to realize, like, Okay,
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we need to get some help to patch some of
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this stuff up so that we understand the next time
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this storm comes that we are fully prepared. So I
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would encourage those people who are out there in relationships
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and looking for relationships. You are really building your stamina
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and endurance for your relationship in moments when things are
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good right. Don't let things just pass by because you're
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in a good space and you don't want to address them,
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Like constantly talk, constantly, communicate, constantly, try to get things
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right even in the moments when the storm isn't there,
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because when the storm comes, you want to make sure
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that your house has secured, your relationship is secured, and
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there are no cracks in the foundation, because, like I said,
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it always sucks because you find out you have them
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cracks at the worst possible time that it could come,
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because it's a storm already happening. So if you can
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try to figure out those things before the storm happens,
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it would definitely help the process.
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Especially because the woman is not herself like first trimester,
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I have not heard of many women say that like
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within their pregnancy, they didn't experience extreme like emotional rollercoaster
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where it's like one minute you're happy, one minute you're sad.
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And I had gotten to the point where everything Dre
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did irritated me, and everything he didn't do irritated me.
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The thought of him just irritated me, and I had
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no logical explanation for why. It was just I had
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like my spirit was just so irritated. And I think
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it has a lot to do with like the hormones
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and just overall emotion and the act of like feeling alone,
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like first try muster or just getting pregnant. In general,
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it feels very alone because even though your partner is
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going through it with you, they're not physically experiencing what
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you're experiencing, and so it's like it's hard to explain,
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but you want them to feel like they're going through
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it with you. So I remember at times I would
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try to explain to him what I was feeling, but
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like if his response was just like okay, or you know,
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like I don't whatever the response was, I was never
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happy with the response. It was just always feeling like
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I'm in this alone. I'm in this alone. I'm in
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this alone, and so I really do think it's important
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for couples as you're starting a family and going through
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like that first pregnancy for girls, for you to have
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a support system, whether it be like a community of
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others you know, pregnant moms or friends who have kids
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actively who have gone through it multiple times, Like you
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just need an outlet to feel like you're not alone,
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because it does feel very isolating. So the next thing
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I want to talk about is the research because I
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feel like if you know better, you do better. And
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I'm more so talking about the men here because since
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you are not actively going through the physical journey, it
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is nice to know, as a woman going through it
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that your husband has an understanding of what is happening
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to your body. Right, So I mean with chat GBT,
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everything and anything is accessible. You type in a question.
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So if the woman is being hormonal and you don't
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understand why she's randomly crying, you can go ask chat GBT.
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You could say, my wife is seven weeks pregnant, she's
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crying a lot, what should I do or why is
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this happening? And it's going to explain to you exactly
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what is happening and what you can do to support
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her in that phase. And so the same way like men,
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when you guys get obsessive with things, Dre's thing is
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always technology. He will research that thing up and down.
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He will watch tons of tutorial videos, he will do
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trial and error testing on that thing. He will spend
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hours diving into that thing because the interest is there.
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So I think it helps a woman who's actively going
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through pregnancy to feel like her husband is invested and
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interested in what she's dealing with. So having some knowledge
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and information. One of the apps that we used our
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first go round, because again we were tracking and trying
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to get pregnant, was Flow. And the cool thing about
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Flow is it showed you every week what was happening,
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and it kind of just gave like a really brief
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snippet of like, this is exactly what's happening to your body,
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this is what's going on with the baby, and this
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is what you can expect within the next coming days.
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That allowed both of us to kind of have information
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and kind of be like, oh, this is what's happening,
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and it just kind of helped with like being on
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the same page. So whatever it is that you and
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your partner need do that, but I do think research
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is important. My first trimester, I read What to Expect
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when You're Expecting. That book was really good, very vague,
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but overall just a healthy book to read on the
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go or listen to. I used to listen to it
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when I walk to the gym, and it just would
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like kind of get me excited for certain things, because
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I think pregnancy can be really scary, So finding things
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that you could read or listen to that talks about
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all the exciting, cool things that are happening is helpful
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as well.
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No, I agree. I think I think it's twofold from
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a male perspective.
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I think that the research will definitely give you an
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idea of what's happening, but I think it's research can
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be done in a lot of ways.
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Right.
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You can do things like looking up on Google or
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talking to chat GPT and it's giving you or painting
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a picture of what she may be going through. And
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I think one of the main advantages of that is
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just her, like Brie said, feeling like you're in it
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with her and that you are trying to figure it
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out and you're trying to help her out. But I
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think once you get in it and are physically going
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through it and experiencing it. Having the not necessarily research,
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but having other men who who have gone through it,
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who really are about their wives, who really are about
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their kids as a resource will be very helpful because
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it's a lot of emotions going on, and like Brisay,
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it's kind of hard to when your partner is going
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through something, especially physically, it's kind of hard and hormonally,
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it's very difficult because you physically still see the same person, right, like,
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that's the person I'm married, that's my wife, that's my partner. However,
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they are a completely different person based off of their
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levels and hormones and the different things they are physically
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going through, So it's kind of hard to mentally separate that, oh,
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this is a completely different moment in their life, so
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therefore how they act emotionally, the things they're going through physically,
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their reactions to you, their perception of you, like all
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these things are changed, where you're kind of dealing with
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a different human being who in this moment has different
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needs and different wants at this time period, and you
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have to understand that. But when you're in it, it
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does take an adjustment because the outer shell is still
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the same person that you've always known them to be, right,
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So having other men that have gone through the process
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that can let you know sometimes like, first, you're not crazy, right,
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pretty much all of our friends that we talked to
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have gone through the same thing with their.
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Yah.
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Yeah, like husbands making the adjustment as you know, the
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wife is adjusting to the physical that it's happening, like
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it's it's all just a normal and natural thing because
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a lot of things are instinctually for us as men
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that we're trying to do and not have to take
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on aren't necessarily supernatural for us. So there's a period
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of us having to try to figure out what to
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do and rightfully. So your wife or partner might get
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upset at you right for not doing things and dropping
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the ball like I did it myself. I didn't do
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everything great or perfect our last experience with it, So
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it's like it's definitely an adjustment period. By having people
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that you can talk to and help you through it
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will will definitely make the process a lot better. And
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understanding or trying not to take anything to heart that
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she is saying or feeling in that moment because it
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is driven from a place that it's like not probably
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actually how she feels once she snaps out of all
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the stuff.
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I want to give an example too of like how
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like spiraling thoughts can be so like there was a
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situation where Dre like walked out. He walked out the
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apartment and there was like a whole food's bag sitting
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on a console table, and my thought went to, oh,
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my god, he's not going to be able to take
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care of our kids. How am I going to have
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kids with this man? He just walked past the bag
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and didn't throw it away. Like It's like the spiral
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thoughts were intrusive. I was like, what is happening? And
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I remember saying him. I was like, I was like, well,
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if this is what pregnancy is like, having kids is
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going to be ridiculous. And he was like what And
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00:18:06.680 --> 00:18:10.880
it was over something so silly, But it's like, you're
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00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:13.559
just in this like worrisome state, at least for me.
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For women who did not experience this, good for you.
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Good for you. It was not fun. But I do
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want to say this, getting pregnant and starting a family
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is a major life transition, and Dre and I were
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going through that as We were also navigating one of
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00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:36.079
the biggest life transitions that we've ever had in eight
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years of marriage or in eight years of being together,
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which was that I let go of my full time
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business and was not We literally were like, you don't
351
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prioritize making money. You just focus on getting and having
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a happy, healthy baby. And when that happens, right, what
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a blessing to be, Like, Wow, like you're gonna let
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me retire my business and just focus on becoming a mom.
355
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But then my imagine going through miscarriage once and then
356
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going through it again that level of almost pressure again
357
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totally self self regular, not self regulated, what's the word.
358
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What, like you brought it on yourself, essentially.
359
00:19:14.920 --> 00:19:19.160
Totally self assigned. I assigned that pressure to me all
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on my own. He was not thinking about that at all.
361
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But for me, I just felt like the utmost failure
362
00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:28.960
because I was like, I'm not bringing an income failure,
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one job. I have one job, make a baby failure
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Like it just it takes a lot of your mental
365
00:19:37.480 --> 00:19:40.960
and emotional and physical energy to like wake up every
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day and try to be like the best version of
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yourself when you're going through these two very very different
368
00:19:47.200 --> 00:19:49.640
life transitions at the same time. And then on the
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00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:53.200
other hand, as a man, dre is He's like, I'm
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holding down the fort right, I'm working, but I'm working
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from home full time, and then also trying to tend
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to your and take care of you. So like he's
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also going through a major life transition where he's solely
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00:20:05.599 --> 00:20:09.160
responsible for income, and then where he's solely responsible for
375
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the house, which he does a lot of things well,
376
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tending to the entire house, cooking, cleaning, and work. It's
377
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not his ministry. So it's like both of us going
378
00:20:21.240 --> 00:20:24.720
through these very difficult transitions at the same time with
379
00:20:24.799 --> 00:20:28.960
two totally different perspectives and feelings. It was a lot
380
00:20:29.039 --> 00:20:33.240
which brings us to the next point, which is seeking
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00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:37.880
outside like professional help, because Drey mentioned finding people who
382
00:20:37.920 --> 00:20:40.440
have gone through it because they can relate, they can
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00:20:40.440 --> 00:20:42.240
give advice, they can let you know you're not crazy
384
00:20:42.319 --> 00:20:48.200
or not alone. But professional advice, specifically prenatal therapists. I
385
00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:50.720
had done a lot of research to figure out, like, Okay,
386
00:20:50.839 --> 00:20:54.240
how can we make sure that not only do we
387
00:20:54.319 --> 00:20:57.359
get through this miscarriage, but that we properly process and
388
00:20:57.400 --> 00:21:00.920
grieve it. Because we were very, very good with the
389
00:21:00.920 --> 00:21:03.279
first one, like we were. I mean even when I
390
00:21:03.440 --> 00:21:07.039
was at the appointment getting the surgery, I didn't cry
391
00:21:07.119 --> 00:21:10.359
out once. Second go around, volunteers had no idea what
392
00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:13.759
was wrong with me. Everyone was worried and it was
393
00:21:13.799 --> 00:21:15.920
just a completely night and day difference. And so we're like,
394
00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:19.720
how do we make sure we process, we heal, we deal,
395
00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:22.319
we move on, and then we do it again, but better.
396
00:21:22.759 --> 00:21:26.240
And after doing the research and after reaching out to
397
00:21:26.240 --> 00:21:29.680
a few people, majority of them, especially the women of color.
398
00:21:29.759 --> 00:21:32.880
They didn't work with men. They only provided prenatal therapy
399
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:36.960
for the woman, and I specifically wanted to do couples
400
00:21:37.079 --> 00:21:40.480
counseling around it, and so we were like, you know,
401
00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:43.359
just casually talking about it. And I think I was
402
00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:45.599
the one that mentioned, like, what if we just go
403
00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:47.880
back to your parents because for those of you who
404
00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:51.920
don't know, Dre's parents did our pre marital counseling for
405
00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:55.640
almost two years leading up to our marriage, and it
406
00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:58.359
was amazing. At first, I was like, ah, do I
407
00:21:58.480 --> 00:22:00.559
want to tell your parents every life think about me
408
00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:02.160
because you'll know I'm a reform gangsta.
409
00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:03.839
Okay, So I was like, they're gonna find out on
410
00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:06.240
the thug and they're gonna be like, oh no, dra,
411
00:22:06.400 --> 00:22:09.160
what have you got yourself into? But it was honestly
412
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:13.559
the best because there was no biasness. They are very
413
00:22:13.799 --> 00:22:15.720
like much to the book. And when I say to
414
00:22:15.720 --> 00:22:18.440
the book, I'm talking about the viable. So everything is
415
00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:19.839
God driven.
416
00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:23.519
It is the entire foundation of everything that they taught us,
417
00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:26.000
and every tool they put in our toolbox came from that.
418
00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:29.240
So when I mentioned it, Dre was like, yeah, let's
419
00:22:29.279 --> 00:22:32.039
just do it, and literally he just like, we're going tomorrow.
420
00:22:32.559 --> 00:22:35.480
I was like, I mean I had the relationship with
421
00:22:35.559 --> 00:22:38.440
my parents where sitting and talking about things was like
422
00:22:39.319 --> 00:22:41.960
pretty much what we did like that was our bonding.
423
00:22:42.000 --> 00:22:44.480
That's how we operate in our home. So when she
424
00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:46.880
was like my parents, I was like, all right, this
425
00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:49.200
is a Sunday eating and for me. So I mean,
426
00:22:49.240 --> 00:22:50.759
that's fine, I don't care.
427
00:22:51.400 --> 00:22:54.519
I didn't know if because we had not done any
428
00:22:54.519 --> 00:22:58.440
counseling with them since being married, so I just thought
429
00:22:58.599 --> 00:23:00.440
like it would be like a boundary for him. But
430
00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:03.240
it was nice that it wasn't. And again, we are
431
00:23:03.319 --> 00:23:07.039
very fortunate to have, especially me, to have in laws
432
00:23:07.079 --> 00:23:11.079
who are just so wise, so kind, so level headed,
433
00:23:11.480 --> 00:23:15.160
so God fearing to where they can really help us
434
00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:18.039
unpack and deal things. And what's funny is every time
435
00:23:18.079 --> 00:23:20.400
we've gone to a session with them, they don't actually
436
00:23:20.440 --> 00:23:22.079
tell us what to do at all. They don't give
437
00:23:22.119 --> 00:23:23.599
any answers, they don't tell us if we're right, if
438
00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:27.440
we're wrong, none of that. It's very much like this
439
00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:30.160
is the principle, and then from that we're able to
440
00:23:30.279 --> 00:23:33.319
then walk away and know exactly how to deal with
441
00:23:33.359 --> 00:23:35.880
the situation because it's not about being right or wrong.
442
00:23:36.039 --> 00:23:38.920
And that was one thing that after we sat in
443
00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:42.279
that four hour long session was like four hours straight too.
444
00:23:43.160 --> 00:23:45.799
After we sat through that four hour session, I was like, wow,
445
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:50.279
I didn't even know how much I needed it as
446
00:23:50.400 --> 00:23:54.480
much as I did personally, like it helped me more
447
00:23:54.640 --> 00:23:59.599
as bree the person, the individual, then breathe the wife,
448
00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:02.759
and then like us as a unit. But it was like,
449
00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:05.200
it was mind blowing. So we're going to share some
450
00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:06.480
of our notes from that session.
451
00:24:07.079 --> 00:24:08.359
Yeah, it was definitely helpful.
452
00:24:08.440 --> 00:24:13.079
I think sometimes when it talking to somebody can be
453
00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:17.279
very helpful in a lot of different ways. Some people
454
00:24:17.880 --> 00:24:23.680
need specific problems that they're working through, but other times.
455
00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:28.039
A lot of us just need a recharge. We just need.
456
00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:29.720
It's kind of like when you have a car, like
457
00:24:29.799 --> 00:24:32.400
you go to get your annual checkups.
458
00:24:32.440 --> 00:24:34.400
Like you can do certain things on your own.
459
00:24:34.480 --> 00:24:37.160
You can put oil in your car, you can feel
460
00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:39.480
the wipe or fluid up. If you need to change
461
00:24:39.480 --> 00:24:42.160
a light, you could possibly change a light. But sometimes
462
00:24:42.200 --> 00:24:45.720
you need that hard like reset and recharge and refuel
463
00:24:46.880 --> 00:24:49.400
from an outside source that can really get you back
464
00:24:49.440 --> 00:24:52.240
on track. And I think for us the session was
465
00:24:52.319 --> 00:24:55.759
less about this is what you need to do to
466
00:24:55.799 --> 00:24:59.839
solve your current problem versus like this is your reminder
467
00:25:00.599 --> 00:25:04.440
of what you know to be true, versus thinking about
468
00:25:04.480 --> 00:25:07.559
how you're feeling based off of your emotions. Yes, and
469
00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:11.519
sometimes you need that somebody to just be like first
470
00:25:11.519 --> 00:25:13.839
to hear you out so that you can say your
471
00:25:13.880 --> 00:25:17.359
part in a place to where you don't feel judged
472
00:25:17.400 --> 00:25:20.480
and you don't feel like there is a bias. But
473
00:25:20.519 --> 00:25:23.720
then that person can seek through all of the surface
474
00:25:23.759 --> 00:25:26.400
stuff right and actually get to the root of the
475
00:25:26.440 --> 00:25:30.680
problem to say, this is what the real issue is.
476
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:34.039
And you just need to be reminded of what you
477
00:25:34.039 --> 00:25:36.680
should be focused on and what you should not be
478
00:25:36.759 --> 00:25:37.319
focused on.
479
00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:39.640
And that's why we thought it was like really helpful.
480
00:25:40.160 --> 00:25:43.759
Well I thought was funny. They were like, go ahead,
481
00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:46.279
like do you guys share, Like sure, what you came
482
00:25:46.319 --> 00:25:50.599
to share? And I'm like I probably talked for like
483
00:25:50.920 --> 00:25:55.319
thirty forty five minutes straight. And then they're like, okay,
484
00:25:56.079 --> 00:26:03.359
DeAndre and he's like and we say all these things.
485
00:26:04.200 --> 00:26:08.920
Pop goes opens up the Bible, goes write in description
486
00:26:09.720 --> 00:26:13.480
and essentially the first thing that he said to us
487
00:26:13.960 --> 00:26:19.119
was go off of what you know to be true, Like, basically,
488
00:26:19.279 --> 00:26:24.640
y'all are talking a lot about you did talk a
489
00:26:24.680 --> 00:26:28.640
good amount. I had a lot to talk about because
490
00:26:28.680 --> 00:26:32.759
I was one summering, okay, but I had all these things.
491
00:26:32.960 --> 00:26:36.680
Dre had all these things. And then Pop's like, y'all
492
00:26:36.680 --> 00:26:42.119
are talking about how you made each other feel feelings, feelings, feelings,
493
00:26:42.119 --> 00:26:44.680
and he was like, focus on what you know to
494
00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:48.000
be true and goes, Bree, do you love Dre? And
495
00:26:48.039 --> 00:26:49.960
I was like, yes, do you know Dre loves you?
496
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:55.079
I'm like yes, I oh, we gotta talk about the
497
00:26:55.319 --> 00:26:59.079
frog thing too, but I'm like, yeah, of course, yes,
498
00:26:59.200 --> 00:27:00.160
that us my boy.
499
00:27:00.200 --> 00:27:02.119
But it's like, I also don't they can break out.
500
00:27:02.920 --> 00:27:05.720
But AnyWho, that was the very first thing that they said,
501
00:27:05.920 --> 00:27:11.640
and it was so like simple but so deep because
502
00:27:11.960 --> 00:27:15.599
all of my feelings was based off of feeling like.
503
00:27:16.279 --> 00:27:19.480
None of it was based off of like facts, none
504
00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:21.960
of it was based off of the history of our relationship,
505
00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:24.279
none of it was based off of who my husband
506
00:27:24.319 --> 00:27:27.359
actually is. It was just all wrapped in feelings.
507
00:27:27.440 --> 00:27:30.079
So a few notes and I will explain what they
508
00:27:30.200 --> 00:27:33.160
meant by that too. It's like when you know something,
509
00:27:33.279 --> 00:27:37.240
it doesn't change what happens, but it lets you. It
510
00:27:37.359 --> 00:27:41.160
first changes how you receive things. Right, if you know
511
00:27:41.319 --> 00:27:45.400
somebody truly loves you, then instead of receiving it as
512
00:27:45.440 --> 00:27:48.400
if it's something done out of malice, you would think
513
00:27:48.440 --> 00:27:52.240
it's something done out of not knowing or ignorance, or
514
00:27:54.279 --> 00:27:57.400
you know them not really truly understanding what impact it
515
00:27:57.440 --> 00:28:00.680
has on you. But then also how you commune. If
516
00:28:00.720 --> 00:28:03.839
you know somebody loves you, you will communicate as hey,
517
00:28:03.839 --> 00:28:06.319
we are both on the same team here. I'm not
518
00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:09.599
communicating with you as if you're the enemy. But if
519
00:28:09.640 --> 00:28:13.440
you go based off of your feelings, if you're angry
520
00:28:13.480 --> 00:28:16.000
at that time, you're not talking to that person like
521
00:28:16.079 --> 00:28:18.519
there's somebody who loves you or you're somebody who loves them,
522
00:28:18.599 --> 00:28:22.039
You're talking as somebody who is angry and upset at somebody.
523
00:28:22.359 --> 00:28:24.160
And that's when we end up doing things in our
524
00:28:24.200 --> 00:28:27.440
relationship that we end up regretting or saying things that
525
00:28:27.519 --> 00:28:30.359
we truly can't take back. So I talked to Breed.
526
00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:33.559
We were like, yep, pit, the emotions could be in
527
00:28:33.559 --> 00:28:35.519
the car, but don't let them be in the driver's.
528
00:28:35.200 --> 00:28:38.680
Seat, which mine be. It'd be three of them driving
529
00:28:38.720 --> 00:28:41.119
at the same time. One got their foot on the
530
00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:42.799
gas and one got their foot on the brick, and
531
00:28:42.880 --> 00:28:45.160
one is just trying to control the music and it's
532
00:28:45.160 --> 00:28:47.640
like it's a hot mess or not getting anywhere. It's
533
00:28:47.799 --> 00:28:48.559
just chaotics.
534
00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:51.279
And then what she know? The love is in the back.
535
00:28:51.160 --> 00:28:56.319
Like see how down?
536
00:28:56.440 --> 00:28:56.799
Stop?
537
00:28:58.759 --> 00:29:02.680
But I want to read this. So Dre's mom shared
538
00:29:02.720 --> 00:29:05.039
the parable of the Blind Men and an Elephant. So
539
00:29:05.559 --> 00:29:09.160
as I read through this, remember that our elephant at
540
00:29:09.200 --> 00:29:14.000
this time was us going through a second miscarriage. Essentially,
541
00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:17.720
the parable of blind Man of the Blind Men and
542
00:29:17.759 --> 00:29:19.519
an Elephant is the story of a group of blind
543
00:29:19.519 --> 00:29:21.640
men who have never come across the elephant before, and
544
00:29:21.680 --> 00:29:25.640
who learned that the image or and who learn and
545
00:29:25.880 --> 00:29:30.119
imagine what Okay, I'm sorry. The parable of the blind
546
00:29:30.160 --> 00:29:34.839
Men and an elephant. Why can't I read this? Is it?
547
00:29:34.839 --> 00:29:36.720
It's a story of a group of blind men who
548
00:29:36.720 --> 00:29:39.160
have never come across an elephant before, and who learn
549
00:29:39.480 --> 00:29:42.000
and imagine what the elephant is like by touching it.
550
00:29:42.319 --> 00:29:45.119
Each blind man feels a different part of the elephant's body,
551
00:29:45.160 --> 00:29:48.599
but only one part, such as the side, or the
552
00:29:48.720 --> 00:29:51.920
tusk or the leg. They describe the animal based on
553
00:29:51.960 --> 00:29:55.200
their limited experience, and their description of the elephant are
554
00:29:55.359 --> 00:29:58.119
all different from each other. In some versions, they come
555
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:01.039
to suspect that the other person is shonists, and they
556
00:30:01.079 --> 00:30:01.759
come to blows.
557
00:30:01.799 --> 00:30:02.559
They end up fighting.
558
00:30:02.960 --> 00:30:05.240
The moral of the parable is that humans have a
559
00:30:05.279 --> 00:30:09.240
tendency to claim absolute truth based on their limited subjective experience,
560
00:30:09.559 --> 00:30:14.160
as they ignore other people's limited subjective experiences, which may
561
00:30:14.200 --> 00:30:18.240
be equally true. The parable originated in the ancient Indian. Okay,
562
00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:20.279
that's some pot. Let me try out this visual. So
563
00:30:20.920 --> 00:30:23.759
on this visual, you can see that there's someone who
564
00:30:23.839 --> 00:30:26.720
is touching the trunk and they're like, oh, this is
565
00:30:26.759 --> 00:30:30.039
a snake. Then you have one who's touching the side
566
00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:31.960
of the elephant and he's like, this is a wall.
567
00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:34.799
I'm touching a wall. Then you have one who is
568
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:38.200
touching the tail and he's like, it's a rope. So
569
00:30:38.559 --> 00:30:41.119
if one's like it's a snake, one's like it's a wall,
570
00:30:41.200 --> 00:30:43.759
and one's like it's a rope, none of them are
571
00:30:43.759 --> 00:30:48.000
technically wrong right from their limited perspective. But if they
572
00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:50.519
take the blind folds off and step back, they all
573
00:30:50.559 --> 00:30:53.359
will see that it is an elephant. So I thought
574
00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:55.640
that was a really, really great way for her to
575
00:30:56.519 --> 00:30:58.880
take all of our feelings and everything that we had
576
00:30:58.880 --> 00:31:02.480
talked about and be like, you guys are looking and
577
00:31:02.519 --> 00:31:05.160
dealing with the exact same thing, Like the experience, the
578
00:31:05.200 --> 00:31:09.559
situation is this thing, but because you all have your
579
00:31:09.599 --> 00:31:13.599
own perspectives and you're only seeing and feeling and experiencing.
580
00:31:13.079 --> 00:31:14.200
What you are.
581
00:31:14.240 --> 00:31:17.359
Because I'm not him and he's not me, we're butting
582
00:31:17.440 --> 00:31:21.720
heads instead of coming together and dealing with it in
583
00:31:21.720 --> 00:31:24.519
a healthy way. So that was very, very helpful for me.
584
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:28.960
I'm a visual person, and that whole thing just changed
585
00:31:28.960 --> 00:31:31.359
the game for me. I think that's not true just
586
00:31:31.400 --> 00:31:35.240
in marriage, but in friendships and in relationships with family members.
587
00:31:35.319 --> 00:31:42.279
Like that is such a good analogy. I'm obsessed, But anyways, it.
588
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:45.079
Works for every part of your life. Yeah.
589
00:31:45.720 --> 00:31:48.319
I always say, you can't understand the full picture of
590
00:31:48.359 --> 00:31:51.359
something unless you're able to see it from different perspectives.
591
00:31:51.359 --> 00:31:52.799
And that's essentially what this is.
592
00:31:52.839 --> 00:31:55.960
And that's luckily I've had the parents that I've had
593
00:31:56.000 --> 00:31:58.480
that have instilled that in me a lot of like
594
00:31:58.720 --> 00:32:01.640
making sure you try to see things for different perspectives.
595
00:32:02.200 --> 00:32:05.519
But when emotions get involved, it does clouds your judgment.
596
00:32:05.599 --> 00:32:06.599
Sometimes it makes it.
597
00:32:06.599 --> 00:32:11.279
Very hard to do that because I mean, in this
598
00:32:11.480 --> 00:32:14.640
example we use an elephant, but it could be something
599
00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:19.799
that's let's say, more physically hurtful, right, And you want
600
00:32:20.200 --> 00:32:23.680
your experience to be acknowledged because there is pain in
601
00:32:23.720 --> 00:32:24.440
your experience.
602
00:32:24.480 --> 00:32:26.920
There are things that you are feeling. Your experience is.
603
00:32:26.880 --> 00:32:32.599
Real, and when somebody seems to, whether purposely or not purposely,
604
00:32:32.640 --> 00:32:36.319
discount your experience, then you get more emotional and angry
605
00:32:36.359 --> 00:32:39.440
or upset about that on top of the pain that
606
00:32:39.519 --> 00:32:43.640
you're already feeling. But then sometimes that will make us
607
00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:46.440
lose sight of that somebody else could be feeling the
608
00:32:46.480 --> 00:32:50.400
same thing. And that's one thing that we discovered when
609
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:54.559
we sat down and talked, is that the way that
610
00:32:54.599 --> 00:32:57.359
we were feeling about each other was the exact same
611
00:32:57.400 --> 00:33:00.480
feeling it was just manifesting itself in different ways within
612
00:33:00.480 --> 00:33:03.880
our relationship. So again having the time to talk it
613
00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:05.680
out and going back to what do we really know
614
00:33:05.759 --> 00:33:08.480
about each other and what do we know is going
615
00:33:08.519 --> 00:33:10.720
on and what do we know about the situation, because
616
00:33:10.720 --> 00:33:12.519
I think it goes further than knowing that we love
617
00:33:12.559 --> 00:33:15.200
each other. It's also talking about the research that Brits
618
00:33:15.240 --> 00:33:15.720
talking about.
619
00:33:15.720 --> 00:33:16.759
It is like if you know.
620
00:33:17.440 --> 00:33:21.680
During this time when women get pregnant that this is
621
00:33:21.880 --> 00:33:23.799
a possibility or hormones do.
622
00:33:23.960 --> 00:33:25.359
Change, Like those are things that you know.
623
00:33:26.039 --> 00:33:28.680
When you know more things than you won't be out
624
00:33:28.680 --> 00:33:31.519
there like guessing about what this could be or what
625
00:33:31.519 --> 00:33:32.160
this couldn't be.
626
00:33:32.599 --> 00:33:35.720
Yeah, do you want to talk about the analogy that
627
00:33:35.759 --> 00:33:37.240
she gave about the kids on a roller coaster?
628
00:33:39.400 --> 00:33:42.440
Yeah, she talked about when I was in middle school
629
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:46.119
and there was a principal. My middle school principal told
630
00:33:46.160 --> 00:33:50.440
them as parents that I guess this, I don't want
631
00:33:50.440 --> 00:33:55.799
to mess it up, but essentially that middle school is
632
00:33:55.839 --> 00:33:58.960
a lot and it's a roller coaster for kids, and
633
00:33:59.240 --> 00:34:02.359
she suggested parents not to ride the roller coaster with them,
634
00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:05.200
but be there for them when they get off. Essentially,
635
00:34:05.799 --> 00:34:11.519
and I thought that that was definitely more applicable for
636
00:34:11.679 --> 00:34:18.639
me because obviously I am not physically going through all
637
00:34:18.679 --> 00:34:21.000
the things that Bria is going through in the relationship,
638
00:34:21.400 --> 00:34:24.679
so part of how she's feeling is not only just
639
00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:27.400
a physical feeling of what she's going through, but there
640
00:34:27.400 --> 00:34:33.079
are hormonal changes and at times it's definitely a real thing,
641
00:34:33.559 --> 00:34:35.880
and not saying it's never not real, but it's a
642
00:34:35.960 --> 00:34:38.599
roller coaster, like the emotions are heightened right, Like in
643
00:34:38.679 --> 00:34:41.119
her normal state, something could happen and she may not
644
00:34:41.320 --> 00:34:45.679
even care, right but in this state, if something happened,
645
00:34:45.719 --> 00:34:48.079
like it could be from up here now here to
646
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:51.119
go from yelling to crying like it's like it could
647
00:34:51.159 --> 00:34:53.400
be all over the place. So for me, it's like
648
00:34:53.599 --> 00:34:58.320
I know and set the expectation within the relationship that
649
00:34:58.360 --> 00:35:00.639
this is going to be in a roller coaster, especially
650
00:35:00.679 --> 00:35:03.840
emotionally for her. What I have to do is keep
651
00:35:03.880 --> 00:35:07.920
my mind steady and saying instead of riding all the
652
00:35:08.039 --> 00:35:10.199
ups and downs completely with her, I just have to
653
00:35:10.239 --> 00:35:12.320
be there for her when she comes off and when
654
00:35:12.360 --> 00:35:17.000
she needs me, especially like Bri said, while she's going
655
00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:19.559
through what she's going through, I'm working, but then I
656
00:35:19.559 --> 00:35:21.559
got to try to get her food and do this,
657
00:35:21.639 --> 00:35:25.519
so my brain is in a lot of different places,
658
00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:28.079
and it will make all of what I have to
659
00:35:28.119 --> 00:35:31.480
do much more difficult if I have to ride the
660
00:35:31.559 --> 00:35:34.840
roller coaster with her all the time as she's going
661
00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:36.920
through the different changes her body's going through.
662
00:35:37.480 --> 00:35:42.559
Yeah, here's another tip for my ladies. I was doing
663
00:35:42.559 --> 00:35:44.760
this thing where I was trying to hide how much
664
00:35:44.800 --> 00:35:48.559
I was crying because I didn't want him to feel
665
00:35:49.000 --> 00:35:51.920
bad for me, or I don't know, I don't know
666
00:35:51.960 --> 00:35:54.039
if I was embarrassed. I don't know what it was.
667
00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:57.800
But I was crying so much like at least and
668
00:35:57.800 --> 00:36:00.360
when I say crying, not like a tear. It would
669
00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:05.239
be like sobbing, crying, like face wet crying at least
670
00:36:05.320 --> 00:36:08.320
five to six times a day. And I would usually
671
00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:10.920
go do it in my bathroom because I knew if
672
00:36:10.960 --> 00:36:13.159
I did it in the bed, he could like walk
673
00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:15.199
in and just like see me. So I would like
674
00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:18.880
cry my hiding, or I would hide my crying so
675
00:36:18.960 --> 00:36:21.880
that I don't know, like maybe I didn't feel like
676
00:36:21.880 --> 00:36:23.679
as much of a burden. But at the same time,
677
00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:27.239
I would be upset when he would do or not
678
00:36:27.320 --> 00:36:30.559
do certain things because I'm like I'm crying all day long.
679
00:36:30.719 --> 00:36:33.199
I can't go to the gym blah blah blah blah,
680
00:36:33.320 --> 00:36:35.239
and you're doing X, Y and Z, and it's like
681
00:36:35.519 --> 00:36:38.199
he has no idea that I've cried six times today.
682
00:36:38.480 --> 00:36:40.599
So it's also like, if you say you don't want
683
00:36:40.599 --> 00:36:44.159
to be alone and you want your person to go
684
00:36:44.239 --> 00:36:46.360
through it with you, you have to actually allow them
685
00:36:46.400 --> 00:36:47.719
to go through it with you. And I should have
686
00:36:47.760 --> 00:36:51.000
been communicating how much I was crying and coming to
687
00:36:51.079 --> 00:36:54.159
him when I was crying and giving him an opportunity
688
00:36:54.199 --> 00:36:57.840
to console me, versus me making myself feel like I'm alone.
689
00:36:58.199 --> 00:37:01.800
And then now I'm projecting all these things onto him
690
00:37:02.280 --> 00:37:05.840
that he's not even aware of, right, So that and.
691
00:37:05.760 --> 00:37:09.960
Then I'll say, too, is that Like I encourage people
692
00:37:10.159 --> 00:37:13.039
because from my perspective, especially as a man, like I
693
00:37:13.119 --> 00:37:16.199
encourage people, especially women, if you're in a relationship, if
694
00:37:16.239 --> 00:37:20.880
you're truly feeling something, don't in the presence of your husband,
695
00:37:20.960 --> 00:37:23.719
try to be strong and hold it together because he
696
00:37:23.880 --> 00:37:25.480
needs those indicators to.
697
00:37:25.519 --> 00:37:28.440
Know what the true stakes are of how you're feeling.
698
00:37:28.880 --> 00:37:31.199
Because a lot of times you'll get in a position
699
00:37:31.639 --> 00:37:35.159
which happened with us, to where you'll be like I'm
700
00:37:35.679 --> 00:37:38.800
not showing you how I truly feel because I'm trying
701
00:37:38.800 --> 00:37:41.320
to hold it together. But then at the same time,
702
00:37:41.400 --> 00:37:44.199
I'm mad at you for not understanding what the stakes
703
00:37:44.239 --> 00:37:46.920
truly are. But I'm like, if you're trying to hide
704
00:37:46.920 --> 00:37:48.360
how you're feeling, how am I supposed to know how
705
00:37:48.400 --> 00:37:51.719
you're feeling. The quickest way for me to snap out
706
00:37:51.719 --> 00:37:54.320
of whatever you are saying I'm doing, or for a
707
00:37:54.360 --> 00:37:57.159
man to snap out of whatever thing you're saying he's
708
00:37:57.159 --> 00:38:00.840
doing and ignoring how and ignoring how you feel is
709
00:38:00.920 --> 00:38:04.000
if you start crying and that man loves you, whatever
710
00:38:04.039 --> 00:38:06.360
he's doing is going to stop because he's going to
711
00:38:06.400 --> 00:38:08.239
try to figure out what in the world is going
712
00:38:08.280 --> 00:38:08.840
on and what.
713
00:38:08.760 --> 00:38:11.119
Could I do to help stop this? What do you
714
00:38:11.199 --> 00:38:11.719
need from me?
715
00:38:12.239 --> 00:38:16.800
Because as somebody who loves their wife, you crying like,
716
00:38:18.119 --> 00:38:19.599
it's kind of like a parent with.
717
00:38:19.599 --> 00:38:23.360
A child's like where's he at? What's like? Let me
718
00:38:23.400 --> 00:38:27.440
at him? Like? What got you? What got my baby? Crying? Like?
719
00:38:27.840 --> 00:38:30.280
That's the feeling that a man who loves his wife
720
00:38:30.320 --> 00:38:33.760
will truly feel. So don't hide that emotion from him
721
00:38:33.800 --> 00:38:37.000
if you're going through that, because that's his indicator, right,
722
00:38:37.039 --> 00:38:40.320
that's his thing to understand and know like, oh, something
723
00:38:40.400 --> 00:38:42.280
is wrong, I need to pay more attention to this.
724
00:38:43.199 --> 00:38:46.639
Yeah, And then I think one of the hardest things
725
00:38:46.679 --> 00:38:48.880
is if you're a woman who in your first semester
726
00:38:49.199 --> 00:38:52.519
is very sick and is told not to work out
727
00:38:52.840 --> 00:38:56.519
and to do like limited activity and to listen to
728
00:38:56.599 --> 00:39:03.039
your body and all those things, it's pretty hard to
729
00:39:03.119 --> 00:39:07.760
be in a good healthy mental state because if your
730
00:39:07.800 --> 00:39:09.519
activity is taken away, if you're not able to get
731
00:39:09.599 --> 00:39:11.519
up and go for walks or like have sun on
732
00:39:11.559 --> 00:39:14.440
your face, or work out or do the things that
733
00:39:14.519 --> 00:39:19.840
bring you joy and excitement, it just feels like you're
734
00:39:19.920 --> 00:39:23.159
just not yourself. And when you're not yourself, the one
735
00:39:23.199 --> 00:39:25.760
person who you should be able to lean on is
736
00:39:25.800 --> 00:39:31.280
your husband. So I would vocalize often to Dre that like,
737
00:39:31.280 --> 00:39:33.679
I was very upset that I couldn't do all those things,
738
00:39:33.719 --> 00:39:36.440
but when I was forcing myself to do the mode
739
00:39:36.519 --> 00:39:39.320
end up in me throwing up crying because I couldn't
740
00:39:39.360 --> 00:39:41.800
make it through a workout or it just made me
741
00:39:41.800 --> 00:39:44.079
feel even worse about myself. So I had to just
742
00:39:44.159 --> 00:39:48.440
be okay with like being still. But if I and
743
00:39:48.559 --> 00:39:51.199
when I do it all again, when we have another
744
00:39:51.280 --> 00:39:55.199
first trimester. One of the things I'm really prioritizing is
745
00:39:55.320 --> 00:39:58.320
just my mental and not relying on physical as much.
746
00:39:58.400 --> 00:40:00.760
So simply just like get up and doing like a
747
00:40:00.800 --> 00:40:05.320
five minute journal slash meditation stretch, and just like being
748
00:40:05.440 --> 00:40:08.920
active in my personal space so that if I do that,
749
00:40:08.960 --> 00:40:11.159
I can feel accomplished, versus having this goal of like
750
00:40:11.199 --> 00:40:13.360
I'm gonna walk thirty minutes to the gym and then
751
00:40:13.400 --> 00:40:15.280
when I get there, I'm gonna take a pilatus class
752
00:40:15.320 --> 00:40:17.320
and I'm gonna walk all the way back. And it's like, girl, no,
753
00:40:17.480 --> 00:40:19.760
you're not. And when you try and you don't do it,
754
00:40:19.760 --> 00:40:21.639
you're gonna feel like you've failed, and you're gonna not
755
00:40:21.679 --> 00:40:23.920
feel confident in yourself, so it's worse. So it's almost
756
00:40:23.960 --> 00:40:27.039
like rewiring your brain to start with the very little
757
00:40:27.079 --> 00:40:30.280
small things that bring you joy and then slowly start
758
00:40:30.320 --> 00:40:32.159
to allow yourself to build up. And I heard once
759
00:40:32.199 --> 00:40:34.679
you get past the first trimester, the second is a
760
00:40:34.679 --> 00:40:37.719
glow up. So pray for me. But I do want
761
00:40:37.760 --> 00:40:40.079
to touch on this, and this is the last thing
762
00:40:40.119 --> 00:40:43.280
I want to share is his mom talked about this
763
00:40:43.400 --> 00:40:46.519
mountain and hill analogy of how like you know, in
764
00:40:46.679 --> 00:40:49.039
order to get to the top of the mountain, it
765
00:40:49.119 --> 00:40:51.440
takes climbing, but in order to get to the top
766
00:40:51.480 --> 00:40:54.079
of the next mountain, you have to go down into
767
00:40:54.159 --> 00:40:56.159
the valley and then back up. And so it's this
768
00:40:56.280 --> 00:41:00.400
thing where essentially she was like, girl, you at the
769
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:02.559
top of the mountain, and instead of going back down
770
00:41:03.400 --> 00:41:06.440
to get back up, you're trying to spend all your
771
00:41:06.480 --> 00:41:09.400
time and energy on figuring out how you're gonna jump
772
00:41:09.400 --> 00:41:13.159
from this top to that next mountaintop, so much though
773
00:41:13.239 --> 00:41:16.960
that you're wasting your time, energy resources. If you would
774
00:41:16.960 --> 00:41:18.599
have just went down, you had it came back up
775
00:41:18.599 --> 00:41:22.480
by now. But I was being very stubborn like, and
776
00:41:22.519 --> 00:41:24.239
this is just in how I was living life and
777
00:41:24.239 --> 00:41:26.960
how my mindset was was like, no, I'm going to
778
00:41:27.000 --> 00:41:29.719
figure out a way to get there quicker, smarter, with
779
00:41:29.840 --> 00:41:32.159
less energy, less effort, and I don't gotta go down there.
780
00:41:32.400 --> 00:41:36.119
And I missed five different mountaintops just by staying up
781
00:41:36.159 --> 00:41:38.800
on this one trying to cheat my way onto the
782
00:41:38.840 --> 00:41:40.599
next one. So I thought that that was a really
783
00:41:40.639 --> 00:41:41.320
good analogy.
784
00:41:42.079 --> 00:41:45.440
Yeah, I think it really boils down a process like
785
00:41:46.559 --> 00:41:50.599
so many people, and I mean, I think that's why
786
00:41:50.639 --> 00:41:53.039
a lot of people have trouble with relationships today is
787
00:41:53.119 --> 00:41:57.000
so many people want to avoid going through the process
788
00:41:57.039 --> 00:42:00.199
that it takes to get to the next mountaintop. Like
789
00:42:00.239 --> 00:42:02.719
Brice said, you start on this one mountain top, but
790
00:42:02.760 --> 00:42:05.239
in order to get to the next one, the process
791
00:42:05.480 --> 00:42:09.880
is climbing down, climbing back up. But there are challenges
792
00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.119
between the scaling or whatever you call it, going down
793
00:42:14.199 --> 00:42:18.039
the mountain, descending the mountain, but also ascending back up
794
00:42:18.119 --> 00:42:21.280
to the next mountain. Everybody wants to skip. As you
795
00:42:21.360 --> 00:42:25.039
progress in business, as you progress in your career, as
796
00:42:25.079 --> 00:42:28.599
you progress in maturity. It's kind of almost like we
797
00:42:28.679 --> 00:42:35.519
feel this obligation or this feeling that we don't need
798
00:42:35.559 --> 00:42:38.719
to now go through the process and we should circumvent
799
00:42:38.800 --> 00:42:41.199
what it actually takes to get to the next mountaintop.
800
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:45.199
But process is such a big thing in a relationship,
801
00:42:45.280 --> 00:42:48.519
and that's an expectation that you should come into a
802
00:42:48.599 --> 00:42:52.239
relationship with, is that every new season, every new thing
803
00:42:52.320 --> 00:42:55.639
that you go through in your relationship is going to
804
00:42:55.639 --> 00:42:58.079
be a process. It takes time to figure out. Like
805
00:42:58.519 --> 00:43:00.079
one of the biggest things that I told her or
806
00:43:00.119 --> 00:43:02.559
in this process is like, yeah, you know, I'm not
807
00:43:02.719 --> 00:43:05.199
nailing it. You know, we're not seeing eye to eye.
808
00:43:05.599 --> 00:43:08.480
But it's okay because this is part of the process.
809
00:43:08.559 --> 00:43:11.440
This is our this is a new experience for us.
810
00:43:11.719 --> 00:43:14.599
This is something that we haven't done before, even in
811
00:43:14.800 --> 00:43:18.679
the second try, Like you haven't ever been this sick,
812
00:43:19.400 --> 00:43:21.400
you know, when we did it the first time. So
813
00:43:21.480 --> 00:43:27.039
everything is new, and people want, for some reason when
814
00:43:27.079 --> 00:43:30.000
they're doing something new for it to just be smooth
815
00:43:30.079 --> 00:43:33.840
and easy and seamless, especially when you're dealing with another
816
00:43:33.920 --> 00:43:36.880
human being and their emotions, and that's just not how
817
00:43:36.920 --> 00:43:40.400
it works. So the Mountain analogy and Hell's analogy is
818
00:43:40.440 --> 00:43:42.960
so great because it's really talking about that there's a
819
00:43:43.039 --> 00:43:47.960
process when it comes to anything. And also the sense
820
00:43:48.280 --> 00:43:53.039
of accomplishment and true happiness doesn't come from when you're
821
00:43:53.079 --> 00:43:56.760
jumping from mountaintop to mountaintop. It comes from when you
822
00:43:57.159 --> 00:44:00.639
descended in all the work that took and then and
823
00:44:00.679 --> 00:44:03.000
all the work that took and you reached the mountaintop,
824
00:44:03.079 --> 00:44:05.920
especially as a couple together, that's when you have those
825
00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:08.719
true moments of happiness. So although we went through a
826
00:44:08.760 --> 00:44:11.679
tough time, like we took some time off, took a
827
00:44:11.679 --> 00:44:14.119
little vacation, and that was some of the best time
828
00:44:14.159 --> 00:44:18.719
we had together. And there wasn't any They say drama
829
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:22.639
is unresolved conflict. There wasn't any drama. We resolved the conflict,
830
00:44:22.840 --> 00:44:25.039
we talked about it. So the space that we were
831
00:44:25.079 --> 00:44:29.360
truly in and that moment was so great and so amazing.
832
00:44:29.440 --> 00:44:32.679
But guess what, we wouldn't have known that we even
833
00:44:32.800 --> 00:44:35.800
had the issue if the storm didn't come. The roof
834
00:44:35.840 --> 00:44:37.840
didn't leak, and we knew we need to patch that
835
00:44:37.920 --> 00:44:41.840
part of our relationship. So now going into it after
836
00:44:41.920 --> 00:44:44.760
the storm, our house is in a much better situation
837
00:44:44.880 --> 00:44:48.199
and our relationship is much better situation to where there
838
00:44:48.239 --> 00:44:51.440
is no petty jabs, there is no receiving something wrong
839
00:44:51.480 --> 00:44:54.199
because we address what the true issue is. But that's
840
00:44:54.239 --> 00:44:56.719
just part of the process, Like you have to be
841
00:44:56.760 --> 00:44:59.000
able to go through that process in order to get
842
00:44:59.039 --> 00:45:00.840
on the other side of what you actually need.
843
00:45:01.199 --> 00:45:03.960
And it's kind of like if you live on top
844
00:45:03.960 --> 00:45:07.360
of the mountaintop, sooner or later, you're gonna start to
845
00:45:08.360 --> 00:45:11.360
not appreciate the view, right, You're gonna be like, oh,
846
00:45:11.400 --> 00:45:14.400
this old thing. But when you're in the trenches, when
847
00:45:14.440 --> 00:45:17.079
you're in the valley and you're climbing back up, it's
848
00:45:17.079 --> 00:45:21.199
gonna make getting to that view feel so much worth it,
849
00:45:21.280 --> 00:45:25.280
so much more valuable, so much more precious. And so
850
00:45:25.360 --> 00:45:27.880
I think what's what happened with us was like we've
851
00:45:27.920 --> 00:45:31.719
had a really great and I would say easy marriage
852
00:45:31.760 --> 00:45:37.079
because we don't really have problems like this, and going
853
00:45:37.119 --> 00:45:39.519
through it one it made me be like, WHOA, Okay,
854
00:45:39.519 --> 00:45:42.360
well we're real because everyone always would tell us like girl,
855
00:45:42.360 --> 00:45:45.239
which we get married, it gets hard, and like we've
856
00:45:45.280 --> 00:45:48.760
had a very easy marriage and a sense of like
857
00:45:48.960 --> 00:45:52.239
happiness and fulfillment and being on the same page and
858
00:45:52.559 --> 00:45:55.960
just enjoying doing life together. But going through something like that,
859
00:45:56.119 --> 00:45:59.280
it now it makes me even more grateful for the
860
00:45:59.320 --> 00:46:03.360
marriage that I have. So yeah, I mean big shout
861
00:46:03.360 --> 00:46:07.239
out to mom Pop because y'all did y'all big one.
862
00:46:07.440 --> 00:46:10.719
And I left just feeling so encouraged. I remember I
863
00:46:10.760 --> 00:46:14.599
text my friends saying that I just felt like God
864
00:46:14.679 --> 00:46:16.920
himself hugged me, like I felt like his arms are
865
00:46:17.000 --> 00:46:18.880
up around me and just tell me it's gonna be
866
00:46:18.960 --> 00:46:21.960
okay and like you were mine and everything will be fine.
867
00:46:22.119 --> 00:46:28.360
But that's what happens when you have minister parents who
868
00:46:28.599 --> 00:46:30.920
loved the Lord. It was just it was much needed.
869
00:46:31.159 --> 00:46:34.519
But my last tip, because this was something that I
870
00:46:34.679 --> 00:46:36.400
just thought of that was such a struggle for me
871
00:46:37.360 --> 00:46:40.599
during that first try muster and this happened both times,
872
00:46:40.880 --> 00:46:45.639
I got really bloated and fluffy, like everywhere. And I
873
00:46:45.679 --> 00:46:47.360
don't know if it was that I felt I was
874
00:46:47.480 --> 00:46:49.440
or if I physically was, but there were times where
875
00:46:49.440 --> 00:46:52.360
I physically was like dry. Look I look like I'm
876
00:46:52.360 --> 00:46:54.400
three months pregnant, and I know I'm not. Like, I
877
00:46:54.440 --> 00:46:56.639
know I'm not showing. I know that that's not that,
878
00:46:56.800 --> 00:46:59.920
but like, I was so uncomfortable in my skin just
879
00:47:00.119 --> 00:47:02.960
due to all the hormonal stuff that was happening that
880
00:47:03.480 --> 00:47:05.880
if I or not if, but when I get pregnant
881
00:47:05.920 --> 00:47:08.159
the next go around, we are going to set aside
882
00:47:08.159 --> 00:47:12.440
a budget for just some loose, comfy, swaggy type of
883
00:47:12.519 --> 00:47:16.199
like clothes because everything I put on I felt like
884
00:47:16.880 --> 00:47:19.719
I felt like a balloon that was just like getting
885
00:47:19.760 --> 00:47:22.119
blown up and was about to like pop. It was
886
00:47:22.119 --> 00:47:23.719
just so uncomfortable. I didn't want to be seen. I
887
00:47:23.719 --> 00:47:25.880
didn't want to go anywhere. So I would say, if
888
00:47:25.960 --> 00:47:28.079
you start to see that like you two are bloating,
889
00:47:28.199 --> 00:47:32.119
just get some comfy, larger clothes versus not leaving your house,
890
00:47:32.159 --> 00:47:34.960
because I think, like me not leaving the house was
891
00:47:35.760 --> 00:47:40.440
hard on me mentally and then harder on him because
892
00:47:40.440 --> 00:47:42.079
then if he would go out, he woud feel guilt.
893
00:47:42.239 --> 00:47:44.639
He's like, we're you at home? My goodness? Same so
894
00:47:44.679 --> 00:47:46.800
thought she was when I left, And you know she
895
00:47:46.840 --> 00:47:49.760
ain't seeing her friend, she's not doing nothing. She takes
896
00:47:49.800 --> 00:47:56.480
me to my last tip, which is guys, men, husbands,
897
00:47:56.920 --> 00:48:01.599
baby daddies do things to hell you girl out. So
898
00:48:01.920 --> 00:48:04.639
when I was down in the dumps and like I
899
00:48:04.639 --> 00:48:06.840
would say, like, I just like I haven't seen anybody.
900
00:48:06.840 --> 00:48:08.960
I just feel so alone, Like but it's like, oh,
901
00:48:08.960 --> 00:48:10.519
why don't you go? And I'm like, no, Like I
902
00:48:10.559 --> 00:48:12.280
don't want to be seen. I don't want to leave
903
00:48:12.280 --> 00:48:14.960
the house. It would have been really nice for my
904
00:48:15.079 --> 00:48:18.039
friends to just like come over and see me, or
905
00:48:18.360 --> 00:48:20.480
for Drea to hit up the girls and be like,
906
00:48:20.760 --> 00:48:23.480
y'all know Brie has been stra ruggling. She over here,
907
00:48:23.599 --> 00:48:25.800
she look a hot mess. If y'all could just like
908
00:48:25.920 --> 00:48:29.400
come over, maybe bring a few different little like you know,
909
00:48:30.559 --> 00:48:33.440
snacks or something like hopefully maybe she'll eat one of
910
00:48:33.440 --> 00:48:35.239
them or some of them, but like, can y'all just
911
00:48:35.239 --> 00:48:38.360
come and hang out with her? Like having other people
912
00:48:38.639 --> 00:48:41.639
in my space, I think would have helped me not
913
00:48:41.679 --> 00:48:47.079
feel so alone, And it wasn't like any anybody knew like, oh,
914
00:48:47.599 --> 00:48:50.119
Bree feels alone, let's do this thing for her. So
915
00:48:50.320 --> 00:48:53.480
I do think that next go around, I will do
916
00:48:53.599 --> 00:48:57.039
better with communicating when I'm lonely to be like friends,
917
00:48:57.280 --> 00:48:58.760
I'm lonely, but I don't want to go outside. Can
918
00:48:58.800 --> 00:48:59.960
you guys just come over and can we have a
919
00:49:00.039 --> 00:49:03.719
girls day at my house? Or telling Dre like I
920
00:49:03.760 --> 00:49:07.400
don't feel like being outside outside, Can we like do
921
00:49:07.480 --> 00:49:09.400
a date night tonight just in the house on the
922
00:49:09.440 --> 00:49:13.159
couch or little things like that to feel like again
923
00:49:13.360 --> 00:49:16.000
you're not alone while also not feeling like you don't
924
00:49:16.000 --> 00:49:20.559
have another option. So yep, those are all my fips.
925
00:49:21.199 --> 00:49:24.159
Hopefully we don't come back with a with a third one,
926
00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:28.000
and hopefully we make it all the way through next time.
927
00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:31.400
But do you have anything else that you feel you
928
00:49:31.440 --> 00:49:31.960
want to share?
929
00:49:32.239 --> 00:49:36.159
I just think everything will be okay, right, It's not.
930
00:49:36.719 --> 00:49:40.320
You're not going through something that nobody, no matter how
931
00:49:40.320 --> 00:49:43.000
it feels, you're not going through something that other people
932
00:49:43.079 --> 00:49:46.760
have not been through thousands, millions, hundreds of millions of
933
00:49:46.760 --> 00:49:50.840
people over the existence of time. Like pretty much, it's
934
00:49:50.880 --> 00:49:54.039
like I think the Bible, Solomon says, it's nothing new
935
00:49:54.119 --> 00:49:57.000
under the sun, Like no matter how far you go back,
936
00:49:57.039 --> 00:50:00.199
it's like the course of human history, Like we've all
937
00:50:00.039 --> 00:50:03.559
all gone through these types of things before. So everything
938
00:50:03.599 --> 00:50:06.199
will be okay, even though in the moment it might
939
00:50:06.239 --> 00:50:08.719
seem like a challenge. As long as you guys, remember
940
00:50:09.320 --> 00:50:12.320
and know that you love one another and treat each
941
00:50:12.360 --> 00:50:14.840
other with that love and do your best to try
942
00:50:14.840 --> 00:50:17.079
to figure it out, Like everything will work itself out.
943
00:50:18.199 --> 00:50:20.199
Just try to be as kind as you could possibly be,
944
00:50:20.840 --> 00:50:24.199
and rely on those resources, those trusted resources around you
945
00:50:24.639 --> 00:50:28.239
that can help you recharge because in these moments, like
946
00:50:28.679 --> 00:50:31.519
I think one thing that we realize is that getting
947
00:50:31.559 --> 00:50:35.519
that recharge to go back out there and you get
948
00:50:35.519 --> 00:50:38.719
that fresh perspective is needed. Like you're gonna need time
949
00:50:38.800 --> 00:50:42.199
to like go out, hang out with friends, or talk
950
00:50:42.239 --> 00:50:44.639
to somebody or take your mind off of what's going
951
00:50:44.719 --> 00:50:46.840
on so that you could come back and be.
952
00:50:46.840 --> 00:50:50.400
Refreshed to be there for your person. So everything will
953
00:50:50.440 --> 00:50:50.880
be okay.
954
00:50:51.079 --> 00:50:51.400
Yes,