WEBVTT
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[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, tea.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hey.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Do you remember a couple of months ago, we went out, we hadn't had like a date in a long time, we went to our favorite spot, pastinos, we were like so excited to have some time together.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it turned into a fairly unfun evening, if I remember correctly.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, it really definitely did.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You wanted to talk about the future and really dream.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I just wanted to get away from everything and just be alone with you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I know we are sitting at the same table with very different ideas of connecting.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, we both wanted connection, but we came in wanting very different things and we ended up feeling totally disconnected.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So today, because of our experience on what sideways, we're gonna talk about quality time, the importance of it, and how to make sure that quality time feels connected.
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[SPEAKER_01]: How do we make room for each other when we come into a moment wanting different things?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation Podcast where we help our listeners learn all the skills necessary to thrive in your relationships with our passion.
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[SPEAKER_01]: My name is Tara Kerwin and my name is EJ Kerwin and we're going to bring you into a date night.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Don't, don't, don't.
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[SPEAKER_00]: When date nights go bad.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm of course using our own experience of what happened, what not to do before going into what is seemingly like an exciting moment and then it just turns out not so good.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, so we have a favorite spot.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's cool because it's not far from our house.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's nice little like wine bar.
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[SPEAKER_01]: They got a nice little patio.
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[SPEAKER_01]: and we decided to go there and it was gonna be a date night and we hadn't had one in quite some time so we were both pretty excited about it and it just like quickly, quickly, devolved.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like you started like, you were like, hey, let's like start, let's talk about our future.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's like work future because we're like yes, really great idea.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We want to do in Yeah, 29.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah love on with love on wheels traveling podcasts.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, please, okay And so and so when I when I hear that I go into like okay Like how am I gonna make that happen?
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[SPEAKER_01]: At least in that moment especially it got way down
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I was trying to share my like excitement in this like dream vision and you're focused on like shutting me down financially and Well, it wasn't trying.
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[SPEAKER_00]: No, I know, but that's yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because I was I just went into like well their sponsorship.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We do it their sponsorship.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We could do it through this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You're being negative now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if anybody does want, nobody wants to sponsor the love on wheels, traveling podcasts in 2019.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be badass.
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[SPEAKER_01]: We're so excited.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I got my rig all picked out.
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[SPEAKER_01]: RAM 5500.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, like, it just got so way down.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then you got really frustrated with me.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And you're like, why can't we just dream about things?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And just like have fun and you at the bring heaviness in it everything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's like that story like taking joy away from my joyful spirit That's the story I get into in moments like that happened.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a joy-sealer and mine was this like man We're just like getting away like I just want to like get away from everything I don't want to talk about heavy stuff.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It was kind of like we wanted the same thing.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I just wanted like time with you Right away from everything
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, and it's so interesting because, again, see, we wanted a connection.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh, we're always talking about like serious work stuff and like managing all of our stuff and just like always heavy stuff.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like we never have time to just like have an hour work meeting where it feels like dreamy and fun.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I was just going into it thinking, like, finally we get to have like a light work meeting that we never get to because we're always like in serious matters.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's hard enough like when we first started thinking about doing this episode, it was about quality time and it's like hard enough to just make the time right like there's so much going on with in our lives and and couples we work with lives just making the time is hard enough so then you make the time and then when that falls on his face it's like soul crushing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: it's so crushing like oh my gosh we can't even have this hour this month to and then it just you're like are we supposed to be together like whatever it goes through your mind and it's so interesting because I will say this in one of the first sessions whether it's coaching or couple therapy or two sun center the very first thing is a couple's contract like they have to like pick a time outside of their therapy or coaching session to spend time together and it is
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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, how about Saturday morning?
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[SPEAKER_01]: No, Saturday morning, the kids got, that's all good.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So we can't go to that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, how about Friday night?
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so exhausted from the week.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I just want to come home and chill on Friday nights.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So it's hard enough to make that time.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But then when you make that time and then it falls on its face, it's even worse.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And as we were workshopping this idea, what we came to is this idea.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's like sometimes,
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[SPEAKER_01]: you come into that moment and you have different needs, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so like in our case.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm knowingly.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, yeah, yes, yeah, maybe not knowing or maybe knowing, but just not communicating.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, yeah, because I didn't know what your needs were and you didn't know what mine needs were because we hadn't communicated that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't even know that was my need until I was just like getting excited.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's important, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Because like, what did dreaming about the future that day or that night?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Why was that important to you?
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[SPEAKER_00]: because it just feels like you're getting out of the everyday run of the mill, seriousness of running a business and kind of just like dreaming and I don't know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It feels like adventure is a little risk-taking emotionally.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, it's like play.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think that was kind of what you wanted.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Is you wanted to play with the future?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You wanted to dream.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You wanted to put on wings and fly, like, where are we going to go?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Which is super cool, you know?
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[SPEAKER_01]: So what did I need?
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[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like I carry so much weight during the week that what I needed to do and what my need was was I needed to let go of that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I needed to feel like I wasn't carrying work in.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I needed the lightness of just us, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I had a different need than you.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And when initially,
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[SPEAKER_01]: you started to go after your need and then I didn't react to it in the way in which you wanted me to.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You were let down.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And just it just felt so heavy.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It just felt so heavy.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So it felt like everything I was trying to let go of, like got multiplied.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and then the energy between us, you know.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, then we tried to like punch our way out of a wet paper bag, you know?
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[SPEAKER_01]: We just like, we tried to like, how do we get back?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it was just like, it just felt like it felt like it was over 20 minutes in.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I will say we came back within a few hours, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Within a few hours that day, which again, some couples don't come back for days.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're getting better at that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But it was still like such, you know, we never get to have that time regardless.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not like, oh, let's try this again tomorrow.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Again, that's why we're doing this podcast so we can share what not to do and like how to
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[SPEAKER_00]: make sure you guys go into having quality time with like what you're both both of your knees are and even if they are different like each you just needed to not talk about work and I needed to dream maybe it could be right like I'm kind of already getting into the solution piece of it but it's like hey I hear that this is important for you and I hear that this is important for you so how can we compromise and like what feels good?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah
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[SPEAKER_00]: Because I could say, EJ, just heart with ears, I just need you to hear my crazy dreams.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you don't have to think about finances or anything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: There's no problem solving.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I just want to be able to talk about it and just smile so I know that you're at least like taking this in.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean so a lot of times what we're trying to do because these moments happen just like what it happened with us and then suddenly we're just like how did this happen like you're just like you're turned upside down you're disoriented you're frustrated or arguing with one another and you were like this was supposed to be amazing or at least just like light both of us
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[SPEAKER_01]: And you don't even understand what happened.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so our goal is to help in the myriad of things that happened in relationship make the invisible visible, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And in this case, what we're saying is that oftentimes we go into these moments and we have different needs that aren't vocalized.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That Tara reaches for an evening that she imagined
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[SPEAKER_01]: and I want something different, you know, and I feel disappointed or overwhelmed, and I push her pull away.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and then I get disappointed and I pull away.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And we lose connection, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that that is, I know there's, there's got to be hundreds of couples listening to this right now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: For sure.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That are like automatically, like, yep, I have been there.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So, what do we need, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: One we just need awareness, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: We need awareness if we stumble into it, you know, like if one of us was like quickly oriented at that time, which we weren't and said like, hey, I think we just need different things right now.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Let's like figure this out.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That's the awareness of when you just like, you fell into the, right, and ripped during very quickly.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But another way to go about this is create a system around it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We let systems, systems, or a go.
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[SPEAKER_01]: No, systems go.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Is that if you have a date night, if you have an hour to go, hang out together.
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[SPEAKER_01]: is saying, like, hey, what are each of us like really like looking for?
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, what are you hoping for in our time tonight?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Can I also bring this into even like those daily check-ins?
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[SPEAKER_00]: We have couples do because there are times where couples will be like, oh, like my partner just act, like it's just like robotic now and it's like, okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So even going into like a five-ten-minute check-in, maybe one is like trying to rush and get to work and the other is like, this is our only 10 minutes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: understanding what the need is even in that five or 10 minute connection.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So date night, yes, that's huge, like a longer period of connection.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I think even in those micro, like 10 minute check-ins, even five sometimes, like, hey, what is your need?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Just to have this five minutes today, because I know that we are going to be like back to back and we will have no space.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So just being present, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's not even checking in with feelings.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's just like holding hands.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I think even just having those micro moments too of understanding what the needs are.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So that way it's not robotic, people feel like it's not meaningful.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think overall when you have time with your partner, when you have a moment, when you have your conversation, when you have a date night, it's important to note, like, what are they hoping for, like, what do they want, what are they needing, you know?
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[SPEAKER_01]: That's the thing about something like,
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[SPEAKER_01]: a date night or even like you said like a conversation is if you go into it sort of oriented to what's happening, you just have a much better chance of being connected to it, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so let's give them a system.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So the before is what are you hoping for from our time tonight or what are you what are you needing in this conversation?
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[SPEAKER_01]: I need you to just listen.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't need you to solve the problem.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I just need you to like to be there for me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It could be agreements about how about we don't talk about anything difficult, right, like let's like stay away from this subject matter and like let's just really focus on, you know, I don't know, but I think people tend to want to talk about subject matter that can be triggering when it's the two of them together and that's usually like a recipe for disaster.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So having an agreement like, hey, during this date night, this connection, this quality time, how about we not bring up blended family stuff?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Does that feel okay?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we when I have had to set those boundaries and actually really works, even when we're prepping to go out with like in laws and other family like.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, so the first step is like, hey, let's tell each other what it is that we need.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then the second step is saying, like, together, how do we make choices that make room for both of us?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, in this case around the dreaming versus, like, my, like, wanting to just, like, let go a thing.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So if, like, you know, if Tara's like, hey, I really just want to, like, dream about our future.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, okay, yeah, let's do that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But can it stay away from work?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Can it be just about like, you know, can it just be about where we want to live or where we'd like to travel or something like that?
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and then it's like, okay, we're sort of like meeting both of our needs here, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then I think there is something else important here.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's sort of checking in throughout the time that we're, that more.
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[SPEAKER_01]: that we're in it, you know, that we're on that date, that we're hanging out, you know, are we finding each other, like, you know?
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[SPEAKER_00]: How is this feeling?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, does this feel like it was a foot time meeting your needs, you know?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, as our system working, we're such creatures of habit that if we're not really intentional, even over like a 20, 30 minute time frame,
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[SPEAKER_00]: can easily go back into like, oh, I'm going to pull out my phone at dinner and not checking in with each other.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So we just really want to help you make your quality time even if it's few and far between really connecting for each of you because you'll have different needs around it and that's okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then you'll understand each other better and then it will make that quality time so much more enriching.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But then you'll want more of it and you won't be afraid
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[SPEAKER_00]: People have quality time and then it goes sideways and it's like that felt awful.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to do that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to do that again So this is like behavior reinforcement like oh, that actually worked.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Let's do it again.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And you can even Check in afterwards about like what worked?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know be really strength focus.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like when did we feel closest together?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like when were the moments where we're both of us, we're sort of getting what we needed out of out of that time we spent together?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And just like hearing ourselves talk like we could get so much better at this E. Oh for sure.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So like I love that we're doing this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is our podcast or always like our own therapy too because like no, this is great and it came from a little downward spiral that happened with us.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But like even as I'm thinking today, like even when we're going to the
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[SPEAKER_00]: you know, I'm always like around you and like following you at the gym and I think you just need your space and I'm like giving you hearts and both from like a cross a gym because my need is to connect with you and I think your need is different so I think even just going to the gym tonight together we should have this conversation.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, trying to think like what my need at the gym is.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Dude, it's a tune out, man, and I get it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But you can look at me smile every once in a while.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I try to.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I like checking your form.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I like giving you feedback.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like that's nice.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was doing my back squat last and I was like, I wonder if E.J.
16:21.503 --> 16:23.444
[SPEAKER_00]: would approve of this because it felt really good.
16:23.464 --> 16:24.884
[SPEAKER_00]: I went to 110 pounds anyway.
16:24.924 --> 16:26.765
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we're getting off topic.
16:27.167 --> 16:30.030
[SPEAKER_01]: So we want to also give you some some love work, right?
16:30.110 --> 16:36.175
[SPEAKER_01]: And as always, also in our show notes on our audio podcast, you can always find the love work down there.
16:36.235 --> 16:37.756
[SPEAKER_01]: It's always a little bit different than this.
16:38.197 --> 16:41.640
[SPEAKER_01]: It's something to do together and that relates to the episode.
16:42.380 --> 16:50.507
[SPEAKER_01]: Your love work this week from us is to protect one small window of time with each other.
16:52.068 --> 17:02.732
[SPEAKER_01]: and to begin it by using this practice of beginning each of you starting by saying what I'm hoping from this time with you is like, I love that.
17:02.792 --> 17:03.172
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
17:04.092 --> 17:15.636
[SPEAKER_01]: And then afterwards, checking in and not like critiquing it, but just sharing with each other one moment where you felt like really connected.
17:15.696 --> 17:16.236
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
17:16.256 --> 17:19.057
[SPEAKER_00]: What was this like for us and here is my connecting moment?
17:19.117 --> 17:19.297
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah,
17:20.033 --> 17:30.020
[SPEAKER_01]: And really paying attention to what it is your partner says when they say, like, hey, this is the one thing that I'm really, you know, hoping for from this time with you and trying to be accommodating, right?
17:30.060 --> 17:32.121
[SPEAKER_01]: Trying to be responsive.
17:32.181 --> 17:33.042
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the word, right?
17:33.102 --> 17:35.644
[SPEAKER_01]: There were responsive to our partners needs.
17:36.044 --> 17:40.627
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a fundamental quality within a securely attached relationship.
17:40.727 --> 17:45.671
[SPEAKER_00]: And even if it's significantly different from your need, like making space and acceptance for that.
17:46.760 --> 17:56.215
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love this because this is sort of like a derivation of our ethos, but it's when we feel connected, it's not that life's problems disappear.
17:56.515 --> 17:56.956
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't it?
17:57.377 --> 18:01.263
[SPEAKER_01]: But we experience them differently because we face them together.
18:01.535 --> 18:02.316
[SPEAKER_00]: love it.
18:02.436 --> 18:03.416
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I love that.
18:03.696 --> 18:04.717
[SPEAKER_00]: Heart to you, AJ.
18:04.737 --> 18:06.438
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, heart to you, baby.
18:06.458 --> 18:10.521
[SPEAKER_01]: So we do appreciate it if you share an episode.
18:10.581 --> 18:16.365
[SPEAKER_01]: If there's an episode that you listen to and you just like, I'm like, wow, that I really connect with this.
18:16.505 --> 18:18.466
[SPEAKER_01]: Please share it with a friend.
18:19.026 --> 18:22.949
[SPEAKER_01]: Please give us a review and subscribe.
18:22.989 --> 18:26.271
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're not a subscriber, please become a subscriber.
18:26.351 --> 18:27.672
[SPEAKER_01]: It really helps us out a lot.
18:27.877 --> 18:34.963
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and again, like we always just feel honored sitting here, sharing our story and our wisdom and our knowledge and all the things that work and don't work.
18:35.483 --> 18:41.228
[SPEAKER_00]: But we just feel honored that you have tuned into us today and has always take care of yourself and take care of each other.
18:41.388 --> 18:41.708
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye bye.
00:00.251 --> 00:00.691
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, tea.
00:01.092 --> 00:01.452
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey.
00:01.872 --> 00:14.041
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you remember a couple of months ago, we went out, we hadn't had like a date in a long time, we went to our favorite spot, pastinos, we were like so excited to have some time together.
00:14.161 --> 00:18.364
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it turned into a fairly unfun evening, if I remember correctly.
00:18.764 --> 00:20.624
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, it really definitely did.
00:20.985 --> 00:25.626
[SPEAKER_01]: You wanted to talk about the future and really dream.
00:26.306 --> 00:30.427
[SPEAKER_01]: I just wanted to get away from everything and just be alone with you.
00:30.587 --> 00:34.408
[SPEAKER_00]: I know we are sitting at the same table with very different ideas of connecting.
00:34.728 --> 00:45.090
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, we both wanted connection, but we came in wanting very different things and we ended up feeling totally disconnected.
00:45.623 --> 00:55.716
[SPEAKER_00]: So today, because of our experience on what sideways, we're gonna talk about quality time, the importance of it, and how to make sure that quality time feels connected.
00:56.297 --> 01:01.905
[SPEAKER_01]: How do we make room for each other when we come into a moment wanting different things?
01:06.808 --> 01:16.797
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation Podcast where we help our listeners learn all the skills necessary to thrive in your relationships with our passion.
01:17.277 --> 01:24.643
[SPEAKER_01]: My name is Tara Kerwin and my name is EJ Kerwin and we're going to bring you into a date night.
01:24.924 --> 01:25.925
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't, don't, don't.
01:25.965 --> 01:27.446
[SPEAKER_00]: When date nights go bad.
01:29.418 --> 01:40.768
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm of course using our own experience of what happened, what not to do before going into what is seemingly like an exciting moment and then it just turns out not so good.
01:41.049 --> 01:44.212
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, so we have a favorite spot.
01:44.272 --> 01:46.834
[SPEAKER_01]: It's cool because it's not far from our house.
01:46.894 --> 01:49.176
[SPEAKER_01]: It's nice little like wine bar.
01:50.237 --> 01:51.598
[SPEAKER_01]: They got a nice little patio.
01:52.819 --> 02:08.649
[SPEAKER_01]: and we decided to go there and it was gonna be a date night and we hadn't had one in quite some time so we were both pretty excited about it and it just like quickly, quickly, devolved.
02:09.009 --> 02:14.072
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you started like, you were like, hey, let's like start, let's talk about our future.
02:15.673 --> 02:19.356
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like work future because we're like yes, really great idea.
02:19.376 --> 02:21.338
[SPEAKER_00]: We want to do in Yeah, 29.
02:21.398 --> 02:24.580
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah love on with love on wheels traveling podcasts.
02:24.640 --> 02:32.866
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, please, okay And so and so when I when I hear that I go into like okay Like how am I gonna make that happen?
02:33.667 --> 02:37.430
[SPEAKER_01]: At least in that moment especially it got way down
02:38.145 --> 02:48.750
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I was trying to share my like excitement in this like dream vision and you're focused on like shutting me down financially and Well, it wasn't trying.
02:48.770 --> 02:50.910
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I know, but that's yeah.
02:51.291 --> 02:54.272
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because I was I just went into like well their sponsorship.
02:54.292 --> 02:55.492
[SPEAKER_01]: We do it their sponsorship.
02:55.532 --> 02:56.413
[SPEAKER_01]: We could do it through this.
02:56.933 --> 02:58.033
[SPEAKER_00]: You're being negative now.
02:58.053 --> 02:58.273
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
02:58.513 --> 03:05.395
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if anybody does want, nobody wants to sponsor the love on wheels, traveling podcasts in 2019.
03:05.435 --> 03:06.755
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be badass.
03:06.775 --> 03:07.295
[SPEAKER_01]: We're so excited.
03:07.375 --> 03:08.956
[SPEAKER_01]: I got my rig all picked out.
03:09.396 --> 03:10.456
[SPEAKER_01]: RAM 5500.
03:11.196 --> 03:14.197
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, like, it just got so way down.
03:14.217 --> 03:16.657
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you got really frustrated with me.
03:16.697 --> 03:19.138
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're like, why can't we just dream about things?
03:19.758 --> 03:23.799
[SPEAKER_01]: And just like have fun and you at the bring heaviness in it everything.
03:23.899 --> 03:29.740
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like that story like taking joy away from my joyful spirit That's the story I get into in moments like that happened.
03:29.901 --> 03:40.903
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a joy-sealer and mine was this like man We're just like getting away like I just want to like get away from everything I don't want to talk about heavy stuff.
03:40.943 --> 03:42.964
[SPEAKER_01]: It was kind of like we wanted the same thing.
03:43.524 --> 03:48.085
[SPEAKER_01]: I just wanted like time with you Right away from everything
03:48.605 --> 03:52.226
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, and it's so interesting because, again, see, we wanted a connection.
03:52.246 --> 04:01.768
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh, we're always talking about like serious work stuff and like managing all of our stuff and just like always heavy stuff.
04:01.788 --> 04:06.310
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we never have time to just like have an hour work meeting where it feels like dreamy and fun.
04:06.330 --> 04:14.972
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was just going into it thinking, like, finally we get to have like a light work meeting that we never get to because we're always like in serious matters.
04:15.632 --> 04:39.151
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's hard enough like when we first started thinking about doing this episode, it was about quality time and it's like hard enough to just make the time right like there's so much going on with in our lives and and couples we work with lives just making the time is hard enough so then you make the time and then when that falls on his face it's like soul crushing.
04:39.331 --> 05:04.517
[SPEAKER_00]: it's so crushing like oh my gosh we can't even have this hour this month to and then it just you're like are we supposed to be together like whatever it goes through your mind and it's so interesting because I will say this in one of the first sessions whether it's coaching or couple therapy or two sun center the very first thing is a couple's contract like they have to like pick a time outside of their therapy or coaching session to spend time together and it is
05:09.184 --> 05:10.145
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, how about Saturday morning?
05:10.185 --> 05:12.387
[SPEAKER_01]: No, Saturday morning, the kids got, that's all good.
05:12.427 --> 05:13.248
[SPEAKER_01]: So we can't go to that.
05:13.268 --> 05:14.389
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, how about Friday night?
05:14.449 --> 05:15.890
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so exhausted from the week.
05:15.910 --> 05:17.651
[SPEAKER_01]: I just want to come home and chill on Friday nights.
05:18.412 --> 05:19.473
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
05:19.673 --> 05:19.873
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
05:19.913 --> 05:21.695
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's hard enough to make that time.
05:21.715 --> 05:26.539
[SPEAKER_01]: But then when you make that time and then it falls on its face, it's even worse.
05:27.180 --> 05:32.424
[SPEAKER_01]: And as we were workshopping this idea, what we came to is this idea.
05:32.464 --> 05:33.765
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like sometimes,
05:34.646 --> 05:40.854
[SPEAKER_01]: you come into that moment and you have different needs, right?
05:41.215 --> 05:42.296
[SPEAKER_01]: And so like in our case.
05:42.457 --> 05:43.117
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm knowingly.
05:43.818 --> 05:49.520
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, yeah, yes, yeah, maybe not knowing or maybe knowing, but just not communicating.
05:49.540 --> 05:54.321
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, yeah, because I didn't know what your needs were and you didn't know what mine needs were because we hadn't communicated that.
05:54.341 --> 05:57.282
[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't even know that was my need until I was just like getting excited.
05:57.502 --> 05:58.503
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's important, right?
05:58.523 --> 06:03.564
[SPEAKER_01]: Because like, what did dreaming about the future that day or that night?
06:04.284 --> 06:05.785
[SPEAKER_01]: Why was that important to you?
06:06.286 --> 06:16.358
[SPEAKER_00]: because it just feels like you're getting out of the everyday run of the mill, seriousness of running a business and kind of just like dreaming and I don't know.
06:16.378 --> 06:19.702
[SPEAKER_00]: It feels like adventure is a little risk-taking emotionally.
06:19.742 --> 06:21.364
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, it's like play.
06:22.105 --> 06:24.786
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think that was kind of what you wanted.
06:24.866 --> 06:27.007
[SPEAKER_01]: Is you wanted to play with the future?
06:27.027 --> 06:27.107
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
06:27.587 --> 06:29.028
[SPEAKER_01]: You wanted to dream.
06:29.048 --> 06:33.209
[SPEAKER_01]: You wanted to put on wings and fly, like, where are we going to go?
06:33.329 --> 06:35.390
[SPEAKER_01]: Which is super cool, you know?
06:36.271 --> 06:37.131
[SPEAKER_01]: So what did I need?
06:38.491 --> 06:49.856
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like I carry so much weight during the week that what I needed to do and what my need was was I needed to let go of that.
06:50.416 --> 06:54.398
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I needed to feel like I wasn't carrying work in.
06:54.418 --> 06:55.018
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
06:55.418 --> 06:59.460
[SPEAKER_01]: I needed the lightness of just us, right?
06:59.940 --> 07:00.180
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
07:00.320 --> 07:02.981
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a different need than you.
07:03.722 --> 07:06.163
[SPEAKER_01]: And when initially,
07:07.463 --> 07:16.585
[SPEAKER_01]: you started to go after your need and then I didn't react to it in the way in which you wanted me to.
07:16.985 --> 07:17.225
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
07:17.685 --> 07:18.526
[SPEAKER_01]: You were let down.
07:18.646 --> 07:19.666
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
07:19.686 --> 07:22.106
[SPEAKER_01]: And just it just felt so heavy.
07:22.366 --> 07:23.247
[SPEAKER_01]: It just felt so heavy.
07:23.287 --> 07:29.628
[SPEAKER_01]: So it felt like everything I was trying to let go of, like got multiplied.
07:29.888 --> 07:32.591
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and then the energy between us, you know.
07:32.771 --> 07:36.276
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, then we tried to like punch our way out of a wet paper bag, you know?
07:36.296 --> 07:41.081
[SPEAKER_01]: We just like, we tried to like, how do we get back?
07:41.161 --> 07:46.427
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was just like, it just felt like it felt like it was over 20 minutes in.
07:47.180 --> 07:47.400
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
07:47.740 --> 07:52.323
[SPEAKER_00]: I will say we came back within a few hours, right?
07:52.463 --> 07:56.225
[SPEAKER_00]: Within a few hours that day, which again, some couples don't come back for days.
07:56.405 --> 07:57.525
[SPEAKER_00]: We're getting better at that.
07:58.166 --> 08:03.308
[SPEAKER_00]: But it was still like such, you know, we never get to have that time regardless.
08:03.328 --> 08:05.350
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's not like, oh, let's try this again tomorrow.
08:05.750 --> 08:09.712
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, that's why we're doing this podcast so we can share what not to do and like how to
08:10.352 --> 08:32.292
[SPEAKER_00]: make sure you guys go into having quality time with like what you're both both of your knees are and even if they are different like each you just needed to not talk about work and I needed to dream maybe it could be right like I'm kind of already getting into the solution piece of it but it's like hey I hear that this is important for you and I hear that this is important for you so how can we compromise and like what feels good?
08:32.392 --> 08:32.552
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah
08:32.812 --> 08:37.075
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I could say, EJ, just heart with ears, I just need you to hear my crazy dreams.
08:37.175 --> 08:39.556
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you don't have to think about finances or anything.
08:39.576 --> 08:40.797
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no problem solving.
08:40.817 --> 08:47.021
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I just want to be able to talk about it and just smile so I know that you're at least like taking this in.
08:47.181 --> 08:47.422
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
08:48.142 --> 09:09.982
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean so a lot of times what we're trying to do because these moments happen just like what it happened with us and then suddenly we're just like how did this happen like you're just like you're turned upside down you're disoriented you're frustrated or arguing with one another and you were like this was supposed to be amazing or at least just like light both of us
09:12.484 --> 09:14.986
[SPEAKER_01]: And you don't even understand what happened.
09:15.026 --> 09:22.893
[SPEAKER_01]: And so our goal is to help in the myriad of things that happened in relationship make the invisible visible, right?
09:23.653 --> 09:32.441
[SPEAKER_01]: And in this case, what we're saying is that oftentimes we go into these moments and we have different needs that aren't vocalized.
09:33.081 --> 09:37.004
[SPEAKER_01]: That Tara reaches for an evening that she imagined
09:38.345 --> 09:49.291
[SPEAKER_01]: and I want something different, you know, and I feel disappointed or overwhelmed, and I push her pull away.
09:49.731 --> 09:52.532
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and then I get disappointed and I pull away.
09:52.772 --> 09:54.893
[SPEAKER_01]: And we lose connection, right?
09:54.933 --> 10:01.116
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that that is, I know there's, there's got to be hundreds of couples listening to this right now.
10:01.476 --> 10:02.017
[SPEAKER_00]: For sure.
10:02.177 --> 10:06.159
[SPEAKER_01]: That are like automatically, like, yep, I have been there.
10:08.015 --> 10:10.396
[SPEAKER_01]: So, what do we need, right?
10:11.196 --> 10:12.997
[SPEAKER_01]: One we just need awareness, right?
10:13.037 --> 10:24.042
[SPEAKER_01]: We need awareness if we stumble into it, you know, like if one of us was like quickly oriented at that time, which we weren't and said like, hey, I think we just need different things right now.
10:24.082 --> 10:25.463
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's like figure this out.
10:25.483 --> 10:25.883
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes.
10:26.463 --> 10:31.986
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the awareness of when you just like, you fell into the, right, and ripped during very quickly.
10:32.046 --> 10:32.346
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
10:32.906 --> 10:37.009
[SPEAKER_01]: But another way to go about this is create a system around it.
10:37.049 --> 10:39.711
[SPEAKER_00]: We let systems, systems, or a go.
10:39.911 --> 10:41.011
[SPEAKER_01]: No, systems go.
10:41.812 --> 10:47.435
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that if you have a date night, if you have an hour to go, hang out together.
10:49.113 --> 10:53.635
[SPEAKER_01]: is saying, like, hey, what are each of us like really like looking for?
10:53.915 --> 10:57.396
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, what are you hoping for in our time tonight?
10:57.476 --> 11:00.857
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I also bring this into even like those daily check-ins?
11:00.917 --> 11:09.020
[SPEAKER_00]: We have couples do because there are times where couples will be like, oh, like my partner just act, like it's just like robotic now and it's like, okay.
11:09.060 --> 11:17.462
[SPEAKER_00]: So even going into like a five-ten-minute check-in, maybe one is like trying to rush and get to work and the other is like, this is our only 10 minutes.
11:19.123 --> 11:22.526
[SPEAKER_00]: understanding what the need is even in that five or 10 minute connection.
11:22.546 --> 11:26.529
[SPEAKER_00]: So date night, yes, that's huge, like a longer period of connection.
11:26.890 --> 11:33.835
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think even in those micro, like 10 minute check-ins, even five sometimes, like, hey, what is your need?
11:33.875 --> 11:38.419
[SPEAKER_00]: Just to have this five minutes today, because I know that we are going to be like back to back and we will have no space.
11:38.859 --> 11:40.361
[SPEAKER_00]: So just being present, right?
11:40.821 --> 11:42.502
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's not even checking in with feelings.
11:42.562 --> 11:43.623
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just like holding hands.
11:43.663 --> 11:43.683
[SPEAKER_00]: I
11:44.704 --> 11:48.366
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think even just having those micro moments too of understanding what the needs are.
11:48.386 --> 11:51.947
[SPEAKER_00]: So that way it's not robotic, people feel like it's not meaningful.
11:52.327 --> 12:05.033
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think overall when you have time with your partner, when you have a moment, when you have your conversation, when you have a date night, it's important to note, like, what are they hoping for, like, what do they want, what are they needing, you know?
12:05.353 --> 12:06.674
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the thing about something like,
12:07.614 --> 12:20.493
[SPEAKER_01]: a date night or even like you said like a conversation is if you go into it sort of oriented to what's happening, you just have a much better chance of being connected to it, right?
12:20.653 --> 12:22.216
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so let's give them a system.
12:22.456 --> 12:22.756
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
12:23.216 --> 12:32.862
[SPEAKER_01]: So the before is what are you hoping for from our time tonight or what are you what are you needing in this conversation?
12:32.902 --> 12:34.143
[SPEAKER_01]: I need you to just listen.
12:34.183 --> 12:35.703
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't need you to solve the problem.
12:35.743 --> 12:38.285
[SPEAKER_01]: I just need you to like to be there for me.
12:38.645 --> 12:59.153
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be agreements about how about we don't talk about anything difficult, right, like let's like stay away from this subject matter and like let's just really focus on, you know, I don't know, but I think people tend to want to talk about subject matter that can be triggering when it's the two of them together and that's usually like a recipe for disaster.
12:59.673 --> 13:07.577
[SPEAKER_00]: So having an agreement like, hey, during this date night, this connection, this quality time, how about we not bring up blended family stuff?
13:07.617 --> 13:08.557
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that feel okay?
13:08.917 --> 13:15.480
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we when I have had to set those boundaries and actually really works, even when we're prepping to go out with like in laws and other family like.
13:16.422 --> 13:22.167
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, so the first step is like, hey, let's tell each other what it is that we need.
13:22.668 --> 13:28.733
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the second step is saying, like, together, how do we make choices that make room for both of us?
13:29.094 --> 13:29.334
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
13:29.634 --> 13:35.600
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, in this case around the dreaming versus, like, my, like, wanting to just, like, let go a thing.
13:35.660 --> 13:39.843
[SPEAKER_01]: So if, like, you know, if Tara's like, hey, I really just want to, like, dream about our future.
13:40.644 --> 13:42.825
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, okay, yeah, let's do that.
13:42.865 --> 13:44.625
[SPEAKER_01]: But can it stay away from work?
13:45.325 --> 13:53.908
[SPEAKER_01]: Can it be just about like, you know, can it just be about where we want to live or where we'd like to travel or something like that?
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and then it's like, okay, we're sort of like meeting both of our needs here, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then I think there is something else important here.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's sort of checking in throughout the time that we're, that more.
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[SPEAKER_01]: that we're in it, you know, that we're on that date, that we're hanging out, you know, are we finding each other, like, you know?
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[SPEAKER_00]: How is this feeling?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, does this feel like it was a foot time meeting your needs, you know?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, as our system working, we're such creatures of habit that if we're not really intentional, even over like a 20, 30 minute time frame,
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[SPEAKER_00]: can easily go back into like, oh, I'm going to pull out my phone at dinner and not checking in with each other.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So we just really want to help you make your quality time even if it's few and far between really connecting for each of you because you'll have different needs around it and that's okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then you'll understand each other better and then it will make that quality time so much more enriching.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But then you'll want more of it and you won't be afraid
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[SPEAKER_00]: People have quality time and then it goes sideways and it's like that felt awful.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to do that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to do that again So this is like behavior reinforcement like oh, that actually worked.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Let's do it again.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And you can even Check in afterwards about like what worked?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know be really strength focus.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like when did we feel closest together?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like when were the moments where we're both of us, we're sort of getting what we needed out of out of that time we spent together?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And just like hearing ourselves talk like we could get so much better at this E. Oh for sure.
15:30.857 --> 15:31.097
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So like I love that we're doing this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is our podcast or always like our own therapy too because like no, this is great and it came from a little downward spiral that happened with us.
15:40.845 --> 15:43.908
[SPEAKER_00]: But like even as I'm thinking today, like even when we're going to the
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[SPEAKER_00]: you know, I'm always like around you and like following you at the gym and I think you just need your space and I'm like giving you hearts and both from like a cross a gym because my need is to connect with you and I think your need is different so I think even just going to the gym tonight together we should have this conversation.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, trying to think like what my need at the gym is.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Dude, it's a tune out, man, and I get it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But you can look at me smile every once in a while.
16:12.860 --> 16:13.440
[SPEAKER_01]: I try to.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I like checking your form.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I like giving you feedback.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like that's nice.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was doing my back squat last and I was like, I wonder if E.J.
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[SPEAKER_00]: would approve of this because it felt really good.
16:23.464 --> 16:24.884
[SPEAKER_00]: I went to 110 pounds anyway.
16:24.924 --> 16:26.765
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we're getting off topic.
16:27.167 --> 16:30.030
[SPEAKER_01]: So we want to also give you some some love work, right?
16:30.110 --> 16:36.175
[SPEAKER_01]: And as always, also in our show notes on our audio podcast, you can always find the love work down there.
16:36.235 --> 16:37.756
[SPEAKER_01]: It's always a little bit different than this.
16:38.197 --> 16:41.640
[SPEAKER_01]: It's something to do together and that relates to the episode.
16:42.380 --> 16:50.507
[SPEAKER_01]: Your love work this week from us is to protect one small window of time with each other.
16:52.068 --> 17:02.732
[SPEAKER_01]: and to begin it by using this practice of beginning each of you starting by saying what I'm hoping from this time with you is like, I love that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then afterwards, checking in and not like critiquing it, but just sharing with each other one moment where you felt like really connected.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: What was this like for us and here is my connecting moment?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah,
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[SPEAKER_01]: And really paying attention to what it is your partner says when they say, like, hey, this is the one thing that I'm really, you know, hoping for from this time with you and trying to be accommodating, right?
17:30.060 --> 17:32.121
[SPEAKER_01]: Trying to be responsive.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That's the word, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: There were responsive to our partners needs.
17:36.044 --> 17:40.627
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a fundamental quality within a securely attached relationship.
17:40.727 --> 17:45.671
[SPEAKER_00]: And even if it's significantly different from your need, like making space and acceptance for that.
17:46.760 --> 17:56.215
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love this because this is sort of like a derivation of our ethos, but it's when we feel connected, it's not that life's problems disappear.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Don't it?
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[SPEAKER_01]: But we experience them differently because we face them together.
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[SPEAKER_00]: love it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I love that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Heart to you, AJ.
18:04.737 --> 18:06.438
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, heart to you, baby.
18:06.458 --> 18:10.521
[SPEAKER_01]: So we do appreciate it if you share an episode.
18:10.581 --> 18:16.365
[SPEAKER_01]: If there's an episode that you listen to and you just like, I'm like, wow, that I really connect with this.
18:16.505 --> 18:18.466
[SPEAKER_01]: Please share it with a friend.
18:19.026 --> 18:22.949
[SPEAKER_01]: Please give us a review and subscribe.
18:22.989 --> 18:26.271
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're not a subscriber, please become a subscriber.
18:26.351 --> 18:27.672
[SPEAKER_01]: It really helps us out a lot.
18:27.877 --> 18:34.963
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and again, like we always just feel honored sitting here, sharing our story and our wisdom and our knowledge and all the things that work and don't work.
18:35.483 --> 18:41.228
[SPEAKER_00]: But we just feel honored that you have tuned into us today and has always take care of yourself and take care of each other.
18:41.388 --> 18:41.708
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye bye.
