How the connection recession is impacting parents with Rich Woo

WEBVTT
00:00:00.401 --> 00:00:16.146
The relationship recession, the path to building meaningful connections in a disconnected world, and I think this is such a relevant topic, especially now as we are in the aftermath of a pandemic where we were so isolated Some of us have felt that that's, you know.
00:00:16.146 --> 00:00:17.469
We can continue that.
00:00:17.469 --> 00:00:21.620
Why not Like it's simpler, especially for those of us who are introverts.
00:00:21.620 --> 00:00:53.508
But I think that the aspect of connection, especially knowing the research if you look up Dr Bruce Perry's research or read his books, the research on connection reminds us that there's a healing aspect to it, there is a nurturing of our mental health and well-being aspect to it, and so if we've been through adversity, trauma, or if we're going through stress right now, connection, friendships, relationships that we build are an important and integral part of our wellbeing as parents, and so I hope you enjoy my conversation with Rich Wu as much as I did.
00:00:53.508 --> 00:01:01.447
I will see you on the other side and don't forget to take a moment to click out of this episode and leave a rating and review.
00:01:01.447 --> 00:01:03.906
You can do this on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify.
00:01:03.906 --> 00:01:14.733
Send me an email at info at curiousneuroncom and I will send you Meltdown Mountain, which is our most popular PDF on our website, and I'll send it to you for free as a thank you.
00:01:14.733 --> 00:01:20.573
You can follow us on Instagram at curious underscore neuron and grab a freebie below in the show notes.
00:01:21.055 --> 00:01:32.248
And if you are interested in learning how to regulate your emotions, build that self awareness and build stronger relationships both with your child and the adults around you, grab a chat with me in my calendar.
00:01:32.248 --> 00:01:37.706
I'm no longer just for a little bit, but no longer allowing people to directly come into the Reflective Parent Club.
00:01:37.706 --> 00:01:50.516
I want to take a moment to chat with you first and get to know you, and when I get to know the people first, I build content for you specifically inside the Reflective Parent Club so that it feels like you are part of this.
00:01:50.516 --> 00:01:56.721
I want to make sure that we all feel connected inside the Reflective Parent Club and that you remember that you matter too.
00:01:56.721 --> 00:01:58.626
All right, enjoy my conversation.
00:01:58.626 --> 00:01:59.549
I'll see you on the other side.
00:01:59.549 --> 00:02:06.170
Welcome back everyone to the Curious Neuron podcast and I am here as promised with Rich.
00:02:06.170 --> 00:02:07.433
Welcome, rich.
00:02:08.561 --> 00:02:09.263
Thanks for having me.
00:02:09.263 --> 00:02:10.968
Cindy, Really excited to spend some time with you.
00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:12.526
I'm so excited to see you again.
00:02:12.526 --> 00:02:17.366
I've been on your podcast and I remember such a lovely conversation and I was excited to bring you back.
00:02:17.366 --> 00:02:19.651
And first, congratulations on your book.
00:02:19.651 --> 00:02:28.067
I read it and really enjoyed it, and I think that we need to all read this book to have the conversation that needs to be had, which is around friendships.
00:02:28.067 --> 00:02:32.146
You know, I'm always curious to know where's the idea of like hmm, I need to write this book.
00:02:32.146 --> 00:02:33.229
So what was that like for you?
00:02:33.229 --> 00:02:35.586
Yeah, how was that seed planted in your mind?
00:02:36.020 --> 00:02:37.323
No, I appreciate that.
00:02:37.323 --> 00:02:39.207
I think it's a couple different places.
00:02:39.207 --> 00:02:42.032
One I've had people say hey, you know why don't you write a book?
00:02:42.032 --> 00:02:45.495
But it's much easier to ask someone to write a book than actually write a book yourself.
00:02:45.495 --> 00:02:54.424
So you know, there's always been some different thoughts and stirring in my mind too, and I shared this with you before when I was, when I was in high school.
00:02:54.503 --> 00:02:57.072
Unfortunately, my, my mother passed away in an accident.
00:02:57.072 --> 00:03:04.592
It was a freak whitewater rafting accident we ended up losing her in, and I think that at a very young age I was 15.
00:03:04.592 --> 00:03:08.766
My younger brother was seven was very formative, in the way that I think, about relationships.
00:03:08.766 --> 00:03:12.164
I learned at a young age that life is not promised.
00:03:12.164 --> 00:03:14.110
The next day is not promised.
00:03:14.110 --> 00:03:17.322
You might think, oh right, now I'm 43 years old.
00:03:17.322 --> 00:03:18.926
Well, the average person lives till 80.
00:03:18.926 --> 00:03:20.653
You're not guaranteed tomorrow.
00:03:20.653 --> 00:03:32.864
My mom passed away when she was in her early 40s and so it made me realize at a young age that life is fragile, that we're not guaranteed the time, and the time that we do have, you have to make the most of it.
00:03:33.044 --> 00:03:39.019
So I think I've always kind of carried that intentionality and so when I was thinking about writing the book I was like, oh, what do I know about?
00:03:39.019 --> 00:03:40.943
Well, I know about people and I know about business.
00:03:40.943 --> 00:03:44.290
So at first I thought I was going to write a networking book, just a business networking.
00:03:44.290 --> 00:03:46.697
And I was like it's not really inspiring.
00:03:46.697 --> 00:03:49.582
And I just cause I know about it doesn't mean I want to write about it.
00:03:49.582 --> 00:03:52.030
And so I was like what's really inspiring?
00:03:52.030 --> 00:04:04.227
And to me, the idea of investing in relationships, making them count, not just like living life in relationship by default but by design, those kinds of like themes seem very important to me.
00:04:04.227 --> 00:04:07.731
And so hence you know the book, the relationship procession.
00:04:07.731 --> 00:04:09.233
I actually have a copy right on my desk.
00:04:09.514 --> 00:04:10.375
I have it on my Kindle.
00:04:10.375 --> 00:04:11.195
It was so good.
00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:12.001
Yeah.
00:04:12.061 --> 00:04:18.144
Thank you for sharing our story with you and I'm so sorry that you had to experience that in such a you know, such a young age as well.
00:04:18.144 --> 00:04:25.430
I appreciate that you brought that part of the book because it made me understand the why behind everything that you do and everything that you shared.
00:04:25.430 --> 00:04:47.752
Right, because I have a friend who had a similar experience losing a family member at a young age, and what's interesting is that what happened to her was it was you only live one sort of thing, like you need to make sure you live and experience life, whereas your kind of response to that was you spoke about like family, like bringing your family, your, your your father and your, your brother together for family dinners.
00:04:47.752 --> 00:04:55.483
Right, like it's just interesting to see how you know something like that happening to you at a young age leads to different people taking different paths.
00:04:55.483 --> 00:04:57.050
Right, and your path was connection.
00:04:57.050 --> 00:04:59.480
So I just I really really appreciate that.
00:04:59.540 --> 00:05:00.702
And how did you?
00:05:00.702 --> 00:05:02.807
After you know you?
00:05:02.807 --> 00:05:05.353
You were very intentional about creating these family dinners.
00:05:05.353 --> 00:05:06.624
What did that look like?
00:05:06.624 --> 00:05:16.105
As you were, you know, in your 20s and 30s and you know now you're working and you have, like, more people around you, how did you continue that connection into your adult life.
00:05:17.526 --> 00:05:18.795
Yeah, you know, thank you for asking.
00:05:18.795 --> 00:05:19.540
There's a couple of things there.
00:05:19.540 --> 00:05:26.793
One part of where I got the idea from, like the family dinners, was, yes, the importance of attention or relationships.
00:05:26.793 --> 00:05:29.930
But I saw a blog post by do you know the guy named Tim Urban.
00:05:29.930 --> 00:05:31.846
He's done like a big TED Talk.
00:05:31.846 --> 00:05:35.290
He has a blog called Wait but why?
00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:38.309
And there's an article that, like millions of people have read.
00:05:38.309 --> 00:05:46.920
It's called the Tail End and essentially with like pictures, he's just drawing like how much, so that you can kind of visualize how much time you have left with someone.
00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:49.249
So he says something like okay, your parents are 60.
00:05:49.249 --> 00:05:50.685
You see them once a year.
00:05:50.685 --> 00:05:52.786
Average person lives to like 80.
00:05:52.786 --> 00:05:57.245
So and then he kind of draws his stick figures you got 20 times left.
00:05:57.245 --> 00:05:59.367
You eat pizza twice a year.
00:05:59.367 --> 00:06:02.641
You know you might eat pizza maybe for the next 40 years.
00:06:02.641 --> 00:06:06.285
You love pizza but you know shouldn't probably eat a lot of pizza when you're like 80 years old.
00:06:06.285 --> 00:06:07.065
You got 40 years left.
00:06:07.065 --> 00:06:10.247
You only got 80 pizzas that you're going to live left, really enjoy it.
00:06:10.728 --> 00:06:18.254
And so that one post actually inspired me at a young age to say wait, how much time do I have Like my mom's not here?
00:06:18.254 --> 00:06:21.396
How much time do I have left with my dad or even my brother?
00:06:21.396 --> 00:06:22.821
I don't know.
00:06:22.821 --> 00:06:25.288
But what I do know is that we're all busy.
00:06:25.288 --> 00:06:32.968
If I just leave it to chance and just don't schedule something that you know we might meet up once a month, once every couple months, a couple times a year.
00:06:33.490 --> 00:06:41.184
But if I say, hey, let's get together Sunday afternoon, we're not no one's really busy, then Once a week we don't have to hang out every day.
00:06:41.184 --> 00:06:45.427
Well, that turned into maybe 45 times.
00:06:45.427 --> 00:06:46.889
You know, you miss a couple of weeks here and there.
00:06:46.889 --> 00:06:50.752
In a year, over 10 years, 450 dinners.
00:06:50.752 --> 00:06:58.036
To me, I feel like that's a much better outcome than I don't know we get together a couple times a year, over 10.
00:06:58.036 --> 00:07:01.269
I don't know, we met up 20, 30 times over a 10-year period.
00:07:01.269 --> 00:07:10.552
I just think if you don't have something by design, intentionality and something in your calendar, it's not going to happen as much as we think.
00:07:10.552 --> 00:07:10.732
So.
00:07:11.220 --> 00:07:19.721
Right, and sometimes we're lucky enough to have those you know nagging parents, as we might think right, or like, come over for dinner, I haven't seen you, I miss you, why don't you call me Right?
00:07:19.721 --> 00:07:26.336
And I think sometimes we take that for granted in terms of like, okay, I don't have time, I'm busy, I'm busy, and we use that as an excuse.
00:07:26.336 --> 00:07:34.826
And it's one thing talking about family, and we do try to see them when we can, but friends is a completely other thing.
00:07:34.826 --> 00:07:47.365
It's so easy to say no to a friend because everything else is first right Our family, our partners, our extended family you know, extended family, whatever it is and then ourselves and our friends.
00:07:47.365 --> 00:07:48.327
That goes down the list.
00:07:48.327 --> 00:07:51.149
But you've been in very, you've been very intentional about that as well, right?
00:07:51.512 --> 00:07:52.336
Yeah, absolutely.
00:07:52.336 --> 00:08:06.877
Well, it's interesting because I know now folks like, uh, you know my, my parents' age, folks in their seventies and eighties, and you look around and some people have vibrant relationships some that you know maybe formed those relationships more recently, but many because they kept up those relationships over time.
00:08:06.877 --> 00:08:19.380
And then you see folks that you know our parents aged in their seventies and eighties and they don't have anyone around them and they never bothered to stay in touch with people or just hone those skills of like developing friendships over time.
00:08:19.380 --> 00:08:25.988
And so maybe your spouse passes away, maybe your kids are far away, maybe your spouse passes away, maybe your kids are far away, you don't have a community anymore.
00:08:25.988 --> 00:08:41.139
And so I think we sometimes, in efforts to stay in touch with our family which are important our spouse, our kids, you know, near family members we forget about a very important part of life which is the rest of the community, our friends.
00:08:41.740 --> 00:08:42.784
Yeah, no, I agree.
00:08:42.784 --> 00:08:47.182
So this past summer I took time to speak to 100 parents.
00:08:47.182 --> 00:08:50.782
I wanted to make sure that I can have a really good understanding of, like what parents were experiencing.
00:08:50.782 --> 00:09:04.590
And besides parents saying that, they really struggle with emotions, which is what I helped them with, the second part that they mentioned, you know, over 90% of the time was loneliness, and this is why I think your book is so relevant.
00:09:04.649 --> 00:09:22.966
So you know, especially when it's it was new moms, let's say, coming into parenthood for the first time, first child maternity leave, not going to work, feeling disconnected from colleagues and friends and not having the time to do things because they have a very small child at home, they seem to really struggle with that loneliness aspect.
00:09:22.966 --> 00:09:26.283
To say it's just moms, but they were the ones that were really mentioning that.
00:09:26.283 --> 00:09:31.086
What sort of advice would you give to that parent who's like how can I even go out?
00:09:31.086 --> 00:09:32.975
I can barely take a shower right like there's.
00:09:32.975 --> 00:09:36.525
No, it's impossible for me to make connections.
00:09:36.525 --> 00:09:47.365
And and some of these parents and these moms were also in isolated areas, away from family or away from cities where they had made friends before and because of work or their partner's work.
00:09:47.365 --> 00:09:56.783
So there's a really big isolation piece which, we know through research, impacts our wellbeing, and so what can we do if we're a new parent and feel so lonely or isolated?
00:09:57.345 --> 00:09:58.648
Wow, that is such.
00:09:58.648 --> 00:10:00.633
It's so funny because I wanted to talk about that.
00:10:00.633 --> 00:10:03.384
Loneliness is a silent killer.
00:10:03.384 --> 00:10:11.711
They say that loneliness someone who's actually, you know, feeling experiencing loneliness that's the equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
00:10:11.711 --> 00:10:17.011
And yet, you know, we think about our health, we think about, you know, our finances.
00:10:17.011 --> 00:10:21.259
No one thinks about their relationships and how important that is to overall well-being.
00:10:21.662 --> 00:10:41.903
One of the studies that I cite and was the basis for my book was a 1938 Harvard grant study that followed 700 people over 85 years and the biggest finding that they found was people with deep and meaningful connections in their lives had higher levels of satisfaction, happiness and longevity in their lives.
00:10:41.903 --> 00:10:45.542
And yet you contrast that with what's going on today in America.
00:10:45.542 --> 00:10:49.395
50% of Americans are saying, hey, I don't feel satisfied with my relationships.
00:10:49.395 --> 00:10:54.750
57% of Americans say, hey, I feel I feel lonely some or most of the time.
00:10:54.750 --> 00:10:56.493
And this is the biggest one.
00:10:56.580 --> 00:11:05.750
And think, among men you were talking about women feeling lonely 20, 20% of men, more than 20% of men report not even having one person that they can confide in.
00:11:05.750 --> 00:11:13.823
I personally I don't know the numbers and I can't recreate the study I think the number is more like double, because when I talk to just men.
00:11:13.823 --> 00:11:17.873
People have fantasy football leagues that they're in.
00:11:17.873 --> 00:11:21.811
They have basketball leagues that they're a part of poker games that they go to.
00:11:21.811 --> 00:11:24.207
They don't have real friends that they can talk to.
00:11:24.207 --> 00:11:29.261
Hey, my marriage is falling apart, my kids are driving me crazy and I don't know what to do because I'm yelling all the time.
00:11:29.261 --> 00:11:34.341
Things aren't going well at work and I'm really stressed out Most men.
00:11:34.341 --> 00:11:38.591
It's really sad when you talk to them and I say, well, who can you talk to about that?
00:11:38.591 --> 00:11:40.302
They don't have a single person.
00:11:41.364 --> 00:11:49.166
So that's something interesting, because whenever I go out with friends not very often, but we try our best every two months to get together.
00:11:49.346 --> 00:11:56.841
And it's not a group of friends, it's different friends that I meet and I met them in different times in my life and so we stayed connected.
00:11:57.383 --> 00:12:19.981
And what's interesting is most of our partners don't go out, they don't take the time to meet with a friend, they don't have coffee with a friend, there's nobody that they text, and so their best friend, their partner, is their wife and therapist and all of that right, because we therapy ourselves and when we meet each other, like, oh, I had the worst week and you know, we talk together and we try to gain a new perspective.
00:12:19.981 --> 00:12:21.725
So what do you hear?
00:12:21.725 --> 00:12:26.984
Like just kind of to go into this a little bit deeper, right, like what's the barrier?
00:12:26.984 --> 00:12:27.345
On?
00:12:27.345 --> 00:12:39.169
On the other side, women seem to be very intentional in terms of, like, meeting up with people and friends and and making sure we kind of maintain those relationships, but we still feel lonely when we become new parents because we don't have that connection.
00:12:39.169 --> 00:12:45.721
How do we, or how could we, support men a little bit more to remind them of the importance of that connection with someone?
00:12:45.922 --> 00:12:47.163
Yeah, that's a really good.
00:12:47.163 --> 00:12:51.072
I'll offer a couple thoughts and then maybe a strategy.
00:12:51.072 --> 00:12:56.109
Well, especially for men, I think there's a lot of invisible forces at work.
00:12:56.109 --> 00:12:59.163
I think one just in society.
00:12:59.163 --> 00:13:09.361
Right, it's not masculine to talk about your emotions or say, hey, you know, can we like catch up over coffee to just talk about what's going on in life, right, like, so you have this like masculinity thing that you have to overcome.
00:13:09.863 --> 00:13:12.809
Then I think there's just like a universal fear, fear of rejection.
00:13:12.809 --> 00:13:15.062
I reach out, you know, you know.
00:13:15.062 --> 00:13:18.285
Uh, john reaches out to me and I say, hey, man, I'm busy.
00:13:18.285 --> 00:13:19.346
He reaches out again.
00:13:19.346 --> 00:13:21.110
Hey, I'd love to, but I can't.
00:13:21.110 --> 00:13:25.995
Now you don't want to ask the third time, because it's like who wants to feel like they're getting rejected?
00:13:25.995 --> 00:13:33.605
And this is not even like you're not trying to go on a date, you're just trying to go out with a guy friend to catch up, and now you're going to reject me three times.
00:13:33.605 --> 00:13:36.306
I don't want to do that again, right, so there's a fear of rejection.
00:13:48.960 --> 00:13:51.109
I think there's an invisible getting rejected fear that the person's going to think that I'm weak.
00:13:51.109 --> 00:13:52.153
Because I want to talk, just catch up and talk.
00:13:52.153 --> 00:13:52.836
I could just watch some Netflix.
00:13:52.836 --> 00:13:55.043
Maybe I'll just order something off an app.
00:13:55.043 --> 00:13:56.889
I have a Spotify playlist that I could listen.
00:13:56.889 --> 00:13:58.721
There's just so many other things I can do.
00:13:58.721 --> 00:13:59.282
Who cares?
00:13:59.282 --> 00:14:00.023
I don't want to do that.
00:14:00.023 --> 00:14:01.706
And then you got the old.
00:14:01.706 --> 00:14:07.335
You know, hey, yeah, I only see my best friend once a year on their birthday syndrome, right.
00:14:07.335 --> 00:14:09.071
And so what's?
00:14:09.071 --> 00:14:10.279
What are practical strategies?
00:14:10.279 --> 00:14:26.395
That's actually I talk a lot about that in my book, but I think one thing that I'm really really more and more everyday convicted about is outside of your spouse or your next door neighbor, who you're just going to inadvertently bump into every day on the way to work.
00:14:26.395 --> 00:14:38.524
Yeah, I personally have a belief that it's going to be nearly impossible to develop a meaningful relationship with anyone else outside of that If it is not for a recurring environment.
00:14:38.524 --> 00:14:39.626
What do I mean by that?
00:14:40.235 --> 00:14:46.297
Weekly basketball game you can plug into a book club, a dinner club, something that you enjoy.
00:14:46.297 --> 00:14:48.985
That happens without you having to plan it.
00:14:48.985 --> 00:14:49.746
Why?
00:14:49.746 --> 00:14:54.700
Because it's easy for everyone to opt in, so no one's having to.
00:14:54.700 --> 00:14:55.763
Hey, should we do this?
00:14:55.763 --> 00:14:56.225
Should we not?
00:14:56.225 --> 00:14:57.881
Can you meet at four, three?
00:14:57.881 --> 00:14:59.139
No, wednesday doesn't work for me.
00:14:59.139 --> 00:15:00.360
My kids forget it.
00:15:00.360 --> 00:15:02.159
You get rid of all of that.
00:15:02.159 --> 00:15:04.941
It's something that you enjoy, so you want to keep going to.
00:15:04.941 --> 00:15:07.082
So either one of two things has to happen.
00:15:07.082 --> 00:15:13.443
You either have to take your group of friends that you like and find something that's reoccurring that you don't have to plan and jump into it together.
00:15:13.443 --> 00:15:16.100
We all like food.
00:15:16.100 --> 00:15:18.484
Let's go out to dinner once a month, right?
00:15:18.484 --> 00:15:24.701
Or, if there's just not that convergence among friends, find something that you like and then meet some new friends.
00:15:24.701 --> 00:15:31.102
But if it's not for that, I just I have this from personal experience and I'm very proactive in my friendships.
00:15:31.102 --> 00:15:34.760
Even with that, it's hard to get in touch with even my closest friends.
00:15:34.760 --> 00:15:37.904
So that's my main conviction recurring environment.
00:15:38.365 --> 00:15:42.589
Well, I think that that was like the for me, like the simplest thing that we can start applying.
00:15:42.589 --> 00:15:45.751
That I learned from your book, which was like start with something that interests you, right?
00:15:45.751 --> 00:15:55.346
So you mentioned before a book club or exercise or working out or whatever it is, you know whether it's at work and like connecting with somebody who says, like I also work out of the gym, oh, which gym do you go to?
00:15:55.346 --> 00:15:55.528
Right?
00:15:55.528 --> 00:16:19.746
Like you sort of painted that picture of a conversation that you can have and I really felt like your book was like this sort of like recipe book, of like making friendships as an adult, which I loved because we forget, and you know what's funny is, as I was reading your book, I was like, wow, we put so much focus on making sure our kids make friends right With young kids were like go see that, go go to the park, go go see that child, say hi, tell them your name and make friends.
00:16:19.746 --> 00:16:36.197
But then, as adults and I'm speaking for myself too like now I'm not in the, I work from home, so, and I have my own company, so I'm not leaving my house it's really, really hard to meet new people, but I do it through my online community and my work, and so thank goodness for that, because I need the connection with new people.
00:16:36.277 --> 00:16:40.965
But at work, when I was there, I wouldn't intentionally try to meet up with them.
00:16:40.965 --> 00:16:41.926
It was too much work.
00:16:41.926 --> 00:16:54.134
It was, you know, like after work I'm going to go home and, like you said, I'm going to unwind and I'm an introvert, and so there's so much work that goes into like having this small talk with the person right, like this is a podcast.
00:16:54.134 --> 00:16:58.803
It's very different, but people that have been following my podcast for a while know that I don't dig into the like.
00:16:58.803 --> 00:17:00.928
So how have you been kind of it's hard for me to do that.
00:17:00.928 --> 00:17:02.501
I'm like, ok, let's get into your work.
00:17:02.501 --> 00:17:04.122
You know, like that's what I do best.
00:17:04.122 --> 00:17:11.087
So there's so many factors that I think contribute to making it really hard for us to push ourselves past that difficulty.
00:17:11.087 --> 00:17:15.280
Yet we're doing it, we're telling our kids to do it, so you've really helped us.
00:17:15.280 --> 00:17:46.234
No-transcript.
00:17:47.214 --> 00:17:48.500
Yeah, I think you're absolutely right.
00:17:48.500 --> 00:17:50.060
Intentionality is the key here.
00:17:50.060 --> 00:17:59.461
It's so interesting because I feel, like you know, in just everyday life, we're intentional about our health, we're intentional about our work.
00:17:59.461 --> 00:18:04.334
We're intentional about our health, we're intentional about our work, we're intentional about our kids, we're intentional about what we eat and even exercising.
00:18:04.334 --> 00:18:11.619
All that is in front of us, like all the social media and things are built around that, but we're forgetting like the most important thing are relationships.
00:18:12.141 --> 00:18:17.201
So great, I'm like in great shape and great Like I, I um get to sleep early.
00:18:17.201 --> 00:18:20.607
You know, matthew Walker, stuff right, and I've got a good sleep schedule.
00:18:20.607 --> 00:18:37.527
Great, my kids are doing well in school, but I don't have this relational community that will help me grow and build wisdom and challenge my perspectives and help me with child rearing and give me a place where I can be heard and understood when I'm going through a tough time.
00:18:37.527 --> 00:18:44.423
All these things are extremely important to human development and living and yet, for some reason, we just all neglect that.
00:18:44.423 --> 00:18:52.920
It's just, you know, I guess that's not important or I'll just settle for the default, which is I hope I just bump into people and develop a relationship.
00:18:53.162 --> 00:19:04.298
Right, or not even putting the work into that, or not even thinking that, just thinking that the loneliness or not the loneliness, but not thinking that you don't need somebody.
00:19:04.298 --> 00:19:07.509
Right, Like I've had this discussion with my partner, with my husband, where he's like I'm happy alone.
00:19:07.509 --> 00:19:13.686
Right, We've had this, and he's like I don't need the problems of other people, I don't need extra stuff in my.
00:19:13.686 --> 00:19:17.063
I have three kids and a wife, so apparently I'm enough.
00:19:17.063 --> 00:19:18.928
Now there's just too much going on.
00:19:18.928 --> 00:19:20.108
You know Like he's and a wife, so apparently I'm enough.
00:19:20.108 --> 00:19:20.808
Now there's just too much going on.
00:19:20.808 --> 00:19:21.288
He's like that's enough.
00:19:21.308 --> 00:19:27.712
And so we have to kind of remind ourselves that we don't want friendships to become a chore or something that's like oh, I'm meeting somebody.
00:19:27.712 --> 00:19:34.516
And I think when you focus on your interests, it makes it much easier to meet with somebody and say like, oh, let's talk about the book you read.
00:19:34.516 --> 00:19:39.048
Or it doesn't have to be a sit down dinner or coffee, right, Like you talk about.
00:19:39.048 --> 00:19:44.023
Like going to the gym with somebody or playing, you know, pickle ball or whatever it is, racquetball, who cares?
00:19:44.023 --> 00:19:49.765
Just something where you can be, you can spend the time with that person and just let off some of that stress that we have.
00:19:50.188 --> 00:19:51.173
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
00:19:51.173 --> 00:19:52.296
I think I think there's.
00:19:52.296 --> 00:20:01.167
You hit it on the head because I think sometimes we think about like relationships is like I don't need another person that I'm just going to sit down and stare at for an hour and just like about what?
00:20:01.167 --> 00:20:13.330
But you're killing like multiple birds with one stone, right, like if I I guess kind of crude expression but yeah, but if I'm like going out to to to play pickleball I enjoy pickleball, it's exercise.
00:20:13.330 --> 00:20:19.768
I get to hang out with a friend which is usually a good thing and laugh and be understood and build a relationship.
00:20:19.768 --> 00:20:22.683
Maybe I become a better parent because I learned a tip.
00:20:22.855 --> 00:20:28.340
There's multiple things going on in that interaction that go beyond I don't need just another friend.
00:20:28.340 --> 00:20:32.583
It's much deeper than that and I think sometimes we fail to appreciate that.
00:20:32.583 --> 00:20:36.605
But it's definitely worth it right in the end when we invest in those relationships.
00:20:36.605 --> 00:20:44.585
And to your point, I don't think you don't need to join 15 different sports leagues and have five dinner clubs in a movie club.
00:20:44.585 --> 00:20:49.323
You can do this with a couple of people, right, and it doesn't have to be every week, it could be once a month.
00:20:49.323 --> 00:21:01.987
But I think the point is there's a lot of value in disguise, that we're missing, and what we don't want to do is wake up 20 or 30 years later and say, do is wake up 20 or 30 years later and say, oh my gosh, all these people have these incredible relationships.
00:21:01.987 --> 00:21:02.711
They've evolved as human beings.
00:21:02.711 --> 00:21:06.041
They learn so much along the way, they laugh so much along the way, they cried with other people along the way.
00:21:06.041 --> 00:21:07.625
I didn't have any of that.
00:21:07.625 --> 00:21:10.240
You don't want to be that person.
00:21:10.300 --> 00:21:15.420
I'm telling you, right, I know I had a similar experience to yours as well in terms of a vacation with a friend.
00:21:15.740 --> 00:21:28.584
I'm 41 and I took the first vacation with a friend, like this year, as a 41 year old, and it was amazing and it's we kind of opened up to each other and it was the same thing in terms of like, wow, we've known each other since we were 13, 14.
00:21:29.005 --> 00:21:47.714
And it took a trip in our forties to like really get to know each other, like we realized like we hadn't really connected before, that, right, and so I really think it's important to kind of come out of your comfort zone sometimes too, and just like, dude, I never would have thought I would have taken a trip with a friend, like to me it was just like it's family trips and somebody doesn't have to take a trip with a friend.
00:21:47.714 --> 00:21:51.165
But just put yourself a little bit out of that comfort zone which you talk about.
00:21:51.165 --> 00:22:02.430
You allude to that too, you know, in terms of we've at work and somebody says they play pickleball, why not say like, hey, do you want to want to meet up?
00:22:02.430 --> 00:22:06.125
You know, like, but it feels so vulnerable and that's hard for us too, right.
00:22:07.336 --> 00:22:08.539
Yeah, yeah, I think that's right.
00:22:08.539 --> 00:22:13.538
I think one of the things that I think about with regards to the relationships.
00:22:13.538 --> 00:22:21.369
I often get this you know kind of statement I'm just too busy, I've got work, I've got a couple of kids at home, that enough is like way too much, I don't.
00:22:21.369 --> 00:22:23.433
How could I possibly meet up with anyone?
00:22:23.433 --> 00:22:32.757
I think what they're saying is like if I want to do a good job at my, at my work which is important and I want to be a good family person, there can't possibly be any time for anything else.
00:22:32.896 --> 00:22:37.640
And I I would disagree, I would say and I encourage my wife all the time, because in the beginning she was like this.
00:22:37.660 --> 00:22:42.502
She's like no, I've got stuff to do at home, I cannot be outside, I cannot meet up with any friends.
00:22:42.502 --> 00:22:54.230
And I would say, okay, first of all, going out once a week for a coffee with your friend, which I think you should do, is going to help you feel rested, energized, excited.
00:22:54.230 --> 00:23:10.376
Everybody needs to take a little bit of a break so that you can come back and be a better wife, a better mom, a better taking care of all the things that are important in the household and are about to blow up, and I just think that if that argument was true that hey, you don't have time for it, then why even sleep?
00:23:10.376 --> 00:23:16.396
We all know sleep and recovery is so important, right, and we give attention to that.
00:23:16.396 --> 00:23:33.181
I also think reprieve from some of our responsibilities and things at home and at work for smaller pockets of time doesn't have to be five hours a day, an hour a week, two hours a week, I think actually makes you a better parent, a better worker, a better business person, so on and so forth.
00:23:33.542 --> 00:23:37.356
Yeah, I'm glad that you brought in your wife, because that's my next question that I'm going into.
00:23:37.356 --> 00:23:42.907
Like, I was really curious to know, like, what that looked like for you and your wife in terms of friendships and the frequencies.
00:23:42.907 --> 00:23:46.005
So what would you say for both of you, like, what does that look like?
00:23:46.134 --> 00:23:51.086
Our cadence is, you know, once every other week, because usually so many things come up.
00:23:51.086 --> 00:23:55.839
We try to go on a date night, so whether it's like with another couple or whether it's just us two.
00:23:55.839 --> 00:23:59.023
And I also find like during there's different pockets of time too.
00:23:59.023 --> 00:24:06.337
Even on the ride to a like a dinner date with another couple, we get time to talk with each other and I think that's really important.
00:24:06.337 --> 00:24:08.202
So we'd like to be at once a week.
00:24:08.202 --> 00:24:15.317
But you know, right now, with I have three kids under five, there's just a lot of doctor's appointments, and going to thing Every other week is a really good cadence for us.
00:24:15.317 --> 00:24:19.826
Also, on the week I usually am probably have like one dinner out.
00:24:19.826 --> 00:24:20.167
Sometimes.
00:24:20.167 --> 00:24:20.848
That's business.
00:24:20.848 --> 00:24:25.487
I try to also do that with relationships and friends, so I do get some reprieve.
00:24:25.487 --> 00:24:27.137
Also the same for her.
00:24:27.218 --> 00:24:29.846
She's got a lot of high school college friends, friends.
00:24:29.846 --> 00:24:34.756
You know she's a part of book clubs, so she tries to go out once a week and it's great Cause, like I'll stay home.
00:24:34.756 --> 00:24:38.040
You know when she goes out the kids are already about to go to sleep.
00:24:38.040 --> 00:24:42.107
Anyway, I'll watch the kids and then the flip like when I have to go out to dinner again.
00:24:42.107 --> 00:24:51.365
I'm there most of the night and then, right before they go to sleep, they just know okay, dad's going to go out for dinner, mom's going to be home, they'll put, she'll put them down, and and it's working.
00:24:51.365 --> 00:24:52.476
We got three kids under five.
00:24:52.476 --> 00:24:53.317
It's working well.
00:24:53.317 --> 00:24:56.261
We feel energized and excited and the kids are fine.
00:24:56.742 --> 00:25:02.922
See, and that's why I wanted to know, because I think it's very easy for us to say there's no time, but we have to be more intentional.
00:25:02.922 --> 00:25:07.366
That word's going to keep coming back, I know, in our conversation, because we're not doing that.
00:25:07.366 --> 00:25:08.861
We're just saying there's no time.
00:25:08.861 --> 00:25:15.817
And I have a membership, and what I've helped parents do is you kind of put everything that you don't have control over into your schedule right.
00:25:15.817 --> 00:25:18.922
Whatever meetings work, whatever you know that you have to say yes to it's.
00:25:18.922 --> 00:25:22.528
You know you put it in first, but then I don't care about everything else.
00:25:22.548 --> 00:25:23.818
I want you to put in time for yourself.
00:25:23.818 --> 00:25:28.938
You are next right, and so where are you going to schedule you know that 20 minute walk that you want.
00:25:28.938 --> 00:25:29.901
Where are you going to schedule?
00:25:29.901 --> 00:25:45.157
You know your workouts if you have to, or just even 10 minutes of saying, wow, I'm going to have a big day and then I'm coming back home and we have sports and there's a lot to do, and so I'm going to sit for 15 minutes in my car with that coffee and really be intentional about that time.
00:25:45.157 --> 00:25:55.207
We try to do that a little bit more, and what comes after, and what we struggle with, or members sometimes struggle with is now where do I put the friend stuff right?
00:25:55.207 --> 00:25:57.378
But it could be that's your personal time too.
00:25:57.378 --> 00:26:04.624
If there's somebody that sort of regulates you and you feel good after you've spoken to them, you can call them on your way home from work.
00:26:04.624 --> 00:26:07.884
You can be more intentional about making that connection.
00:26:08.645 --> 00:26:09.186
Absolutely.
00:26:09.186 --> 00:26:15.140
I'm going to say something a little bit bold, could possibly offend some people, but I think if it's for the good, then I'm okay with it.
00:26:15.140 --> 00:26:16.925
Everybody has time.
00:26:16.925 --> 00:26:19.239
It's just it's already assigned.
00:26:19.239 --> 00:26:20.102
It's already assigned.
00:26:20.102 --> 00:26:21.184
It's already assigned.
00:26:21.184 --> 00:26:21.625
And you know how?
00:26:21.625 --> 00:26:28.275
How?
00:26:28.275 --> 00:26:29.818
I know because there was and I wrote about this in the book um years ago.
00:26:29.838 --> 00:26:38.243
I remember, looking at my phone, it just had like a little diagnostic that came up on my iPhone and it said you spent, on average, eight hours per day on your phone.
00:26:38.243 --> 00:26:40.127
Eight hours, eight hours and 34 minutes.
00:26:40.127 --> 00:26:41.817
Eight hours and 34 minutes.
00:26:41.817 --> 00:26:48.904
I was like I'm busy, I wake up early in the morning, I get a workout in, I'm at work all day, I'm doing stuff with my family.
00:26:48.904 --> 00:26:55.521
There's no possible way and yeah, some of that was for work, right, I'm like picking it up, writing, emailing, but not all of it.
00:26:55.521 --> 00:27:01.009
And if I have even four hours, four hours, I mean I can't even go to a four hour dinner.
00:27:01.009 --> 00:27:07.238
So if I have four hours a day extra, you certainly have an hour a day.
00:27:07.258 --> 00:27:12.145
And so I think this whole notion that, oh, I don't have time, go look on your phone, see how much time you spend on it we all have time.
00:27:12.145 --> 00:27:17.968
It just leaks out in different ways and, to your point, if you don't schedule it, it's going to be assigned to other things that we don't want.
00:27:17.968 --> 00:27:21.890
Oh, just kind of random scroll here, 30 minutes random looking in the fridge.
00:27:21.890 --> 00:27:25.172
There, 45 minutes random, just kind of fumbling around on TV.
00:27:25.172 --> 00:27:34.836
And then all the time that you could have used to build incredible relationships with your family, your friends, it's been given to stuff that you don't really care about, of stuff that you don't really care about.
00:27:34.856 --> 00:27:36.336
Literally, you're getting nothing in return.
00:27:36.336 --> 00:27:42.059
Right, and most parents that are scrolling we've spoken about this again inside the membership but we feel there's guilt after it.
00:27:42.059 --> 00:27:45.041
It's like, oh, it feels crappy a bit, you know, like, oh, why did I do that?
00:27:45.041 --> 00:28:04.451
I should, I could have been doing this, I could have been doing that, I was bored and now I'm like I just with you and, yes, sure, maybe it's bold, but I think we all know it deep inside that we do have time, we, you know we.
00:28:04.451 --> 00:28:13.836
We just have to be more strategic in how we plan our time, and sometimes I've even said this, I think, online, but I think that we don't respect our time.
00:28:14.676 --> 00:28:25.115
And that's my bold statement, you know, in terms of like I don't think that we respect our time enough and we're very careful how we spend our money, but we don't think twice about wasting three hours on our phone.
00:28:25.115 --> 00:28:34.949
We don't think twice about, you know, saying yes to all the birthday parties when our kid doesn't even care in the end, and so we can say yes to one and no to the other three and actually have a weekend together as a family.
00:28:35.048 --> 00:28:38.571
We don't respect our time and so I would add that to what you said.
00:28:38.571 --> 00:28:43.175
No, I think that's a really important insight, because money, it's very visible.
00:28:43.175 --> 00:28:46.859
It's like okay, if I spent $100 on something, oh, it's not in my bank economy.
00:28:46.859 --> 00:28:49.862
Time is not such because people don't think in those terms.
00:28:49.862 --> 00:28:55.071
They don't think, oh wait, I just gave three hours of my time to this, why would I do that?
00:28:55.071 --> 00:28:55.192
Right?
00:28:55.192 --> 00:28:58.770
And then you think, oh my gosh, like, oh, whatever, it's fine.
00:28:58.770 --> 00:29:01.506
And then the same thing happens the next day, the next day, the next day.
00:29:01.506 --> 00:29:07.050
Imagine if time was a bank account like, you probably wouldn't want to see that thing being wasted, right?
00:29:07.050 --> 00:29:11.306
But most people don't think in those terms and I think it's really important to start thinking about.
00:29:11.306 --> 00:29:12.288
Your time is very valuable.
00:29:12.647 --> 00:29:12.828
Right.
00:29:12.828 --> 00:29:14.871
So I'm curious about a skill that I know.
00:29:14.871 --> 00:29:16.794
Many parents struggle with boundaries.
00:29:16.794 --> 00:29:44.396
You spoke about this in your book and I think that sometimes that's something hard for us to do in life in general, and so when it comes to friends, we don't set the right boundaries and then we feel like this is not working right, like they're taking up a lot of our time or there's no boundary in terms of they're calling us during dinner, maybe I don't know, I'm just throwing it out there, but there's there's a lack of that boundary which makes it feel like it's not healthy for us or it's not working out.
00:29:44.396 --> 00:29:48.478
What have you had any of these experiences and how did you kind of navigate that?
00:29:48.478 --> 00:29:51.509
Or was boundaries or boundaries something you were always good at setting?
00:29:51.990 --> 00:29:53.432
Yeah, I think a couple of things.
00:29:53.472 --> 00:29:54.453
No, not necessarily.
00:29:54.453 --> 00:29:57.138
And actually I would say first and foremost, I was probably the.
00:29:57.138 --> 00:30:00.946
I was probably the culprit because a lot of my friends got married before me.
00:30:00.946 --> 00:30:02.029
I got married at 39.
00:30:02.029 --> 00:30:13.715
A lot of my friends were married in their late twenties, even early thirties, and I remember calling them up and I shouldn't have, but I remember calling them up and saying like, yeah, let's go out, let's let's go out to eat, let's go hang out.
00:30:13.715 --> 00:30:17.761
Like yeah, let's go out, let's go out to eat, let's go hang out, let's go watch a movie, let's go play some basketball at like seven, eight o'clock at night.
00:30:17.761 --> 00:30:33.898
And they would tell me over and over hey, man, like I can't, just I've got like kids at home, I got to get up early tomorrow, you don't have to do any of that, you're single.
00:30:33.898 --> 00:30:37.303
And I remember used to other end of that where people are like what's the big deal?
00:30:37.303 --> 00:30:39.287
Move something around, you don't have to be at home.
00:30:39.287 --> 00:30:41.893
And I'm thinking like do you not understand, right?
00:30:41.893 --> 00:30:45.227
And so a couple of things around boundaries.
00:30:45.247 --> 00:31:01.734
One, I think just like being very upfront and honest about things instead of just like having to kind of reject people and saying, ah, you know, I can't today, just being like, look, I'm just in the season of life and this part is hard and I just I can't go out at nine o'clock at night, nor do I want to, because I have to wake up at five to watch these kids.
00:31:01.734 --> 00:31:06.412
And being clear and open in your communication from the start, especially with other friends.
00:31:06.412 --> 00:31:07.454
I think that's important.
00:31:07.454 --> 00:31:09.909
I think secondly is just being proactive.
00:31:09.909 --> 00:31:12.353
Going back to scheduling things.
00:31:12.613 --> 00:31:24.432
So if I want to maintain this relationship but I can't go on the like one off, like nine 9pm, let's go hang out and go out to eat or go to a bar, well, great.
00:31:24.432 --> 00:31:25.679
Well, what if I schedule something in advance, like a zoom call?
00:31:25.679 --> 00:31:26.442
Or hey, why don't we get lunch?
00:31:26.442 --> 00:31:29.367
Because I can, you know, I can do a one hour lunch, like once a month.
00:31:29.367 --> 00:31:30.430
Why don't we do that in advance?
00:31:30.430 --> 00:31:37.567
So you're proactively investing and feeding the relationship, versus having to reject the person who's like making an effort.
00:31:37.567 --> 00:31:49.934
You got to value the effort and saying, well, I can't, I can't, I can't, and then the person eventually giving up and then the relationship starting to dwindle you know right, yeah the communication and and setting things up in advance to be proactive.
00:31:49.974 --> 00:31:59.634
I think those two things that I've done so the other thing that comes to mind, which I was hoping there wasn't there wasn't a chapter on this and I was maybe the next book.
00:31:59.634 --> 00:32:10.487
So what happens when, let's say, you, you befriend somebody at work, things are great, and then you start meeting them and then you're like, oh, I'm getting to know them and it's not working really well.
00:32:10.487 --> 00:32:17.494
I haven't been in the dating world since I was 16, but how in the world do you break up with that friend?
00:32:17.494 --> 00:32:18.615
What would you do?
00:32:18.615 --> 00:32:21.659
How do you, kind of, do you just let it go?
00:32:21.659 --> 00:32:23.780
You start saying no until they get the point.
00:32:23.780 --> 00:32:27.646
Because this has to be.
00:32:27.646 --> 00:32:33.208
I think we have to have this conversation right, because you will meet friends and maybe that's something that's stopping somebody saying, like, well, what if in the end, I don't get along with them?
00:32:33.208 --> 00:32:33.648
Then what do I do?
00:32:33.648 --> 00:32:34.951
Like, well, what if in the end, I don't get along with them?
00:32:34.951 --> 00:32:35.531
Then what do I do?
00:32:35.551 --> 00:32:36.673
I'm stuck with them Like what does that look like?
00:32:36.673 --> 00:32:45.949
Exactly, exactly Well, I think there's an appropriate time to to have a very honest, frank conversation.
00:32:45.949 --> 00:32:46.431
That might not feel fun.
00:32:46.431 --> 00:32:47.515
I think there's also a time that you don't.
00:32:47.515 --> 00:32:48.357
It doesn't necessarily deserve that.
00:32:48.378 --> 00:32:51.528
If let's say, for example, you know me and another person we just met up at work.
00:32:51.528 --> 00:32:53.653
We're building a like, building a friendship.
00:32:53.653 --> 00:33:00.159
First time we hung out it was kind of cool, but then, the more I get to know them, I'm like ah, maybe our values don't align At that point.
00:33:00.159 --> 00:33:07.848
If we've hung out one or two times, I don't owe it to them to sit down and be like well, this is kind of what I value and this is what you value, and I don't really like that.
00:33:07.848 --> 00:33:10.211
So here's why I'm not going to hang out with you anymore.
00:33:10.211 --> 00:33:11.373
I don't think it needs all of that.
00:33:11.373 --> 00:33:17.121
I think people get the point like oh okay, we hung out once, it was fine, we're not going to be best friends, that's okay.
00:33:17.121 --> 00:33:23.252
I think we both as adults giving and receiving that kind of implicit message, I think we should be okay with that.
00:33:23.252 --> 00:33:37.355
I think if it's someone that you grew up with and maybe, over time, grew apart because of your values, I think that's where, if you're going to be a mature adult, I think, out of respect for the history of the relationship, it's better to do it.
00:33:37.455 --> 00:33:38.978
I'm not saying that I've done this perfectly.
00:33:38.978 --> 00:33:39.744
To be honest with you.
00:33:39.744 --> 00:33:43.097
There's times that I regret in the past that I knew someone.
00:33:43.097 --> 00:33:44.845
We had a longstanding friendship.
00:33:44.845 --> 00:33:55.732
Over time we kind of drifted apart based on values or stages in life and I just kind of faded away and I think they were maybe owed that conversation, but at the time I just wasn't mature enough to give it.
00:33:55.732 --> 00:33:58.857
But I think the people would really value that.
00:33:59.239 --> 00:34:03.838
One, people know where you stand after that conversation and two, it's a growth opportunity for them.
00:34:03.838 --> 00:34:13.253
Like, how amazing would it be if someone gave me that conversation and just said hey, rich, I really like you, I have a lot of fun, but there's some things that you do that I just I don't agree with.
00:34:13.253 --> 00:34:20.306
And again, I'm not saying that you're a bad person, I'm not saying that like I hate you, I'm just saying that that's not something that I want to align with.
00:34:20.306 --> 00:34:23.132
I would be like wow, that's incredible.
00:34:23.152 --> 00:34:29.934
The person is willing to put themselves in an uncomfortable situation to help give me positive feedback.
00:34:29.934 --> 00:34:33.952
Really that could help me with my life If I'm the right person I'm actually taking.
00:34:33.952 --> 00:34:40.829
I might not feel good in the moment, but I'm the right person I'm actually taking.
00:34:40.829 --> 00:34:44.882
I might not feel good in the moment, but I'm taking that feedback and say, wow, this is an incredible human being and I actually want to change so that I can stay in touch with a person like this.
00:34:44.882 --> 00:34:55.550
So, again, easier said than done, I have not executed on this perfectly, but I have done it for people that I've cared about and at the time it's not easy, but it's like short-term pain for longer term gain in relationship.
00:34:56.110 --> 00:35:04.697
I just find that, you know, you have to be respectful of that long-term relationship and I've also, you know, many years ago, kind of doing like, especially when you become a parent.
00:35:04.697 --> 00:35:09.342
I think that's when you see a shift, maybe the first, maybe not the first, maybe that's the second shift.
00:35:09.342 --> 00:35:13.407
I think finishing university, there was a shift in friendships.
00:35:13.407 --> 00:35:15.192
Then, getting married and having kids, there was another shift in friendships.
00:35:15.192 --> 00:35:22.994
Than getting married and having kids, there was another shift in friendships in the sense that, like, some didn't have kids yet and so they were off on their own and I couldn't, like keep up with their lifestyle and so things.
00:35:22.994 --> 00:35:24.456
You know, it wasn't aligned.
00:35:24.456 --> 00:35:28.835
So I think it's really important for us to kind of acknowledge that there will be shifts.
00:35:28.835 --> 00:35:29.965
You know, and that's okay.
00:35:29.965 --> 00:35:37.659
Being honest, that you're not in the same place, in the same place in your life is something that you can, you know, also have a conversation around.
00:35:37.659 --> 00:35:46.539
Yeah, I just wanted to bring that up because I know that sometimes it's uncomfortable and you're like, oh, you know, even becoming a parent, you're like that person's parenting this way.
00:35:46.539 --> 00:35:52.806
Maybe my values have changed now that I'm a parent and I don't align with their values, and so it doesn't feel right anymore.
00:35:52.806 --> 00:35:53.565
You know to be with them.
00:35:53.565 --> 00:35:55.086
We have to acknowledge that we don't.
00:35:55.427 --> 00:35:57.027
What I don't like, what we shouldn't do.
00:35:57.027 --> 00:36:16.000
Maybe that's a rule, I don't know, but when you see somebody and you haven't seen them in a while and you say let's grab coffee, but you don't mean it, don't, don't do that, right, it doesn't feel good Because you can tell, because you're following them on Facebook or you know whatever it is social media, nobody's taken the the effort or tried to kind of connect.
00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:18.880
But then you see each other in person, you're like, oh, I feel bad, I haven't written to them.
00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:19.862
We should have coffee.
00:36:19.862 --> 00:36:20.621
Let's not do that.
00:36:20.621 --> 00:36:21.802
Yeah, totally.
00:36:24.396 --> 00:36:25.137
Right, I totally agree.
00:36:25.137 --> 00:36:26.199
Words are really important.
00:36:26.199 --> 00:36:27.059
Words are really important.
00:36:27.059 --> 00:36:28.802
You have to follow through on what you say or just don't say it.
00:36:28.842 --> 00:36:30.206
Yeah, Just don't Exactly.
00:36:30.206 --> 00:36:30.706
Okay.
00:36:30.706 --> 00:36:45.135
So let's say, somebody is listening to this, there are moms and dads that listen to this podcast, and so maybe there's somebody out there who still is not convinced that it's important to have relationships, because they're maybe feeling content and satisfied with what's around them.
00:36:45.135 --> 00:36:52.429
Like, how would you convince somebody or at least kind of like, start plant the little seed of we should?
00:36:52.429 --> 00:36:53.811
We need connections.
00:36:53.811 --> 00:36:55.615
Connections truly are important for wellbeing.
00:36:55.615 --> 00:36:57.065
We know that from the research.
00:36:57.065 --> 00:37:02.385
But now how can we sort of convince this person to take the baby steps that they need to do that?
00:37:02.806 --> 00:37:15.320
Yeah, I saw somewhere, I think on social media, like this reel about you know, 30 years from now, you would give everything that you have to come back to this point in your life.
00:37:15.320 --> 00:37:24.507
So if I'm 43, 73, yeah, I would probably give up any extra money that I had and you know, you know bigger house to be able to be back with my little kids.
00:37:24.507 --> 00:37:27.376
So I think that was emphasizing the importance of like, don't waste.
00:37:27.376 --> 00:37:29.949
Don't waste these moments with your young children.
00:37:29.949 --> 00:37:49.601
But I think the same thing could be true um, you know, in the future, you, 30 years with your relationships, 30 years from now, you would come back and give these opportunities while you're still young, while you're still healthy, while you're still energetic, while you still have friends that are still alive, to come back and actually rekindle those friendships.
00:37:49.601 --> 00:37:51.666
And you gotta, you gotta envision yourself in the future.
00:37:51.666 --> 00:37:55.411
You're 80 years old and either one of two things happen neither, which is good.
00:37:55.411 --> 00:38:07.686
Like you, you wake up and you're like, wow, again, my partner's you're my partner's not here anymore, my kids are far away.
00:38:07.686 --> 00:38:08.766
I didn't invest in any of those relationships.
00:38:08.786 --> 00:38:10.909
So, like, I'm going back to these people now and they're like I don't really know who you are man.
00:38:10.909 --> 00:38:14.333
We, last 30 years we've been going on the golf trip and hanging out and going out to eat.
00:38:14.333 --> 00:38:16.496
Like you're showing up, we're different people.
00:38:16.496 --> 00:38:18.119
You're a different person.
00:38:18.119 --> 00:38:20.826
You can't just pick up Like I know.
00:38:20.826 --> 00:38:23.826
It's like you have those friends that you're like, oh, I'm just going to pick up where I left off.
00:38:23.865 --> 00:38:25.728
Yeah, but not after 30 years.
00:38:25.728 --> 00:38:33.737
Right, like I'm not just because I was best friends with someone in first grade, I'm not going to be like, oh my God, we like did everything together.
00:38:33.737 --> 00:38:35.139
You're the same person.
00:38:35.139 --> 00:38:49.764
Now let's just pick up Like they don't even know who I am anymore, right, and so I think you know either A who knows if they're going to be around B you don't want to wake up and then have invested in everything else except for relationships.
00:38:49.764 --> 00:38:50.929
So you got a really nice house.
00:38:50.929 --> 00:38:53.971
You got a big, you know you got a big investment account.
00:38:53.971 --> 00:38:57.137
You got a big, you know you got a big investment account and then you have no one to share that with.
00:38:57.137 --> 00:39:01.266
Right, like I just don't know if people want to be there.
00:39:01.266 --> 00:39:07.012
So I think sometimes you have to put yourself in the future and think backwards to like if I don't want that to be true that.
00:39:07.012 --> 00:39:16.181
What are the small steps and habits and and reoccurring events and relationships that I need to start sowing into now so that I don't end up there 30 years from?
00:39:16.344 --> 00:39:23.155
now, right, yeah, and if one-on-one is intimidating, community is important, right, like it's, you're getting the same sort of you.
00:39:23.155 --> 00:39:28.735
Know you, maybe you don't want to have the one-on-one conversation, but being with people it's so important and I think about.
00:39:28.735 --> 00:39:54.112
We visited Italy my husband's Italian and so we went to these little cities and I was blown away by at these little coffee shops, like how many small groups of men were together, you know, like having a coffee together, and they were really really old, but like they would make their way and I know they walk everywhere, so there's an added factor to their health, but they're walking from their house with their cane to go visit their friend at the coffee shop, right, and at the cafes.
00:39:54.112 --> 00:40:00.219
And so there's this feeling of like I'm going to go see Pepito whatever his name is right, like just to go.
00:40:00.219 --> 00:40:02.407
There's something that feels so good.
00:40:02.507 --> 00:40:06.768
An example is today, actually, my friend called me and said I happen to, I'm going to be downtown tomorrow.
00:40:06.768 --> 00:40:08.010
Do you want to meet up tomorrow?
00:40:08.010 --> 00:40:15.019
But we just saw each other last week but I was like I can't, I'm working, I just saw you last week, but now I'm like itching.
00:40:15.019 --> 00:40:18.521
Tonight is going to be really hard to focus because I'm going to try to think, like, how can I see her?
00:40:18.521 --> 00:40:19.726
I need to make sure I can see her.
00:40:20.286 --> 00:40:35.836
There's this feeling of excitement right Of going to see somebody, and so I think that, whether it's that one person or that community that we really have to push ourselves because, again, I think you paint that great picture of in the future, it's not a given who's going to be around us.
00:40:35.836 --> 00:40:36.938
Our kids are going to be older.
00:40:36.938 --> 00:40:38.811
Yes, they like to be with us now, but they're young.
00:40:38.811 --> 00:40:45.425
There's going to be a moment where they have their own lives and their own family and their own friends, and we have to have that go-to person.
00:40:45.425 --> 00:41:05.199
Again, it doesn't have to be 30 friends, it could be that one person that we can reach out to, or that community, and and that could be anything spiritual, religious, right, anything that just feels good for you, that you feel um seen and you're not wearing your armor and you can be yourself I think is important that's right, that's right yeah yeah, I love that.
00:41:05.280 --> 00:41:07.246
Thank you for the book that you've written um.
00:41:07.246 --> 00:41:08.931
I really encourage everybody to read it.
00:41:08.931 --> 00:41:12.809
We will put the link in the show notes and and the link to your instagram as well.
00:41:12.809 --> 00:41:16.869
Is there anything else happening that we can know about um or any other way that we can learn from you?
00:41:17.344 --> 00:41:19.992
Yeah, check out my podcast, the Power of Connections.
00:41:19.992 --> 00:41:21.074
Check out Cindy's episode.
00:41:21.074 --> 00:41:25.231
It was awesome, cindy, you were so great on it and I would love to engage with you.
00:41:25.231 --> 00:41:26.155
Feel free to reach out.
00:41:26.155 --> 00:41:28.893
My email and contact information will be in the show notes.
00:41:28.893 --> 00:41:30.952
So, yeah, I would love to connect with anybody.
00:41:31.264 --> 00:41:31.965
Thank you again.
00:41:31.965 --> 00:41:33.128
Thanks everyone for listening.
00:41:33.128 --> 00:41:38.679
Please make sure you take a moment to rate the podcast and subscribe to it and leave a review, and we'll see you next Monday.
00:41:38.679 --> 00:41:56.146
Bye, sure that you catch that.
00:41:56.146 --> 00:41:57.775
I'll try to remember to mention it in the next podcast episode.
00:41:57.775 --> 00:42:03.922
We don't have a date yet, but we are working on that, and so take a moment to sign up to our newsletter, follow us on Instagram, Facebook and I will see you next Monday.
00:42:03.922 --> 00:42:05.748
Make sure you're subscribed to the podcast.
00:42:05.748 --> 00:42:06.530
I'll see you next time.
00:42:06.530 --> 00:42:06.911
Bye.