#006: ADHD in Relationships: Five Essential Rules for Success

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Hey everybody, this is Zac and welcome to the first episode of 2025 of the ADHD Real Talk podcast.
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I'm really excited about today's episode because I think that it's going to be first off.
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It's about a very important topic that comes up a lot in my counseling practice.
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We get too far into this actually.
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Uh, do me a favor, go to uh recharge psychologycom, particularly if you are here in uh alberta.
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Uh, I have, I'm a registered psychologist and a counseling therapist specifically specializing in adhd, and I am excited.
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Uh, I currently have some openings for new clients.
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Uh, if you live in alber, you want to either meet in person here in Edmonton for one-on-one counseling or, if you want, virtual counseling throughout Alberta.
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I'm currently open to new clients, and so, if you are interested in working with me, rechargepsychologycom is the website and I'm excited to hear from you if you're looking for that.
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Today's episode is all about relationships and what I've tried to do with this is to try and boil down some basic rules.
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I've been married for coming up on 17 years this year to my amazing patient, wonderful wife Hillary, years this year to my amazing patient, wonderful wife Hillary, and there's a few rules here that I think I've really boiled down to.
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I think that are very helpful for me to keep in mind in my relationship and like between me and my wife, and so that is very helpful that I think that we're going to be able to do in the future for you.
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Hopefully it's helpful.
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I don't know how, why I'm wording that so weirdly, but let's get started.
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I want to jump right into it because we've got some great stuff here.
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The goal of today is to give you five basic rules for relationships, and each of these are going to have a little bit.
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I'm going to outline a little bit of a common problem and then understand what the rule is, and I'll give you the rule first too.
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Okay, so let's just jump right in, because I don't want to spend too much time wasting here with all the chit chat.
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Okay, so rule number one in relationships we're going to jump right into it is you want to assume good intentions, not malice.
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It's very common in relationships, if don't for the non-ADHD partner, and for today, we're going to assume that we have one partner who has ADHD and one partner who does not.
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Okay, I know that there are couples out there where both of you have ADHD.
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My guess is, if that's the case, there are going to be some of these issues that still come up, because people's ADHD is always a little bit different, right?
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But we're going to talk about each of these and in the future zac@rechargepsychology.
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com you know, let me know , if you want an episode specifically about like non or like ADHD, like relationships where both have ADHD, right, we can talk about that too, but I think that these are still going to be universal.
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Anyways, rule number one assume good intentions.
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So here's a classic example, right?
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So it's date night, you're supposed to be meeting for dinner and, like, your non-ADHD partner shows up on time but, like the, adhd is nowhere to be seen.
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Calls go unanswered All of a sudden, like 20 after like, respond to breathless and apologetic and oh my gosh, I lost track of time, I mean.
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So here's the thing.
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Is that what's going on in that situation, first off, from the, from the non-adhd partner's perspective, is that, like man, this keeps happening.
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If you really cared, wouldn't you try harder?
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You know, is this makes me feel like I'm not important to you?
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Uh, meanwhile, the person with ADHD often is feeling like, no, no, no, really, I'd like I didn't mean to be late, I was just doing something and I lost track of time and man, I was just like I feel like I'm in trouble, right?
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Classic example, and it happens a lot, right, basically because one of the things is that, like, people with ADHD often like genuinely cannot keep track of time, not that we're incapable of doing it, but it's harder for us and our brain is not necessarily wired that way.
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So here's the thing.
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First, again, using this like assuming good intentions and not malice, right, that is a really important piece to keep in mind.
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Genuinely, we are trying and I know that sometimes it doesn't look like we're trying, right, and I know I'm coming from the perspective of somebody who has ADHD, and so I want to make it clear as we're going through these.
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By the way, I am not at all trying to invalidate the frustration of the non-ADHD partner.
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Okay, I understand how frustrating it is.
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In fact, we're going to think a little bit about here's a couple of questions to to keep in mind in this situation.
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Okay, is that you have to?
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For the like number one, with the, with the, the non, we'll start with the non-ADHD partner in each of these.
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Okay, for the non-ADHD partner, it's these.
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Okay.
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For the non-ADHD partner.
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It's very important to ask yourself a couple of questions.
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Am I assuming that their forgetfulness is because they don't care in this situation and I'm using forgetfulness, but I am assuming that they're doing whatever they're doing because they don't care?
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And another important question is would I rather be right or would I rather try to find a way forward together?
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I understand, because the reality is is that in a situation like this, where the person is doing something or isn't doing something they said they would do or they you know situations like this that come up you need to understand that forgetfulness in this particular situation is not neglect, it's ADHD.
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I want to say that again.
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Forgetfulness is not neglect.
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This is part of their brain wiring and neurodevelopmental difficulties.
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So don't take it personal.
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I think is the important thing.
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It's valid, your frustration is valid and we're going to get to the ADHD partner in a second, but it's not about neglect and it's important to take that in mind.
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Instead of taking it personally, we really want to be looking for solutions and not just dwelling on the problem, and this is just in relationships in general.
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The more you sit and dwell on the problem and just repeat it over and over again, again.
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Here's what the problem is.
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It's really overwhelming for people with adhd.
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They've been doing this their whole life.
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I, I know for myself, right, like in situations like this.
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I, I've been doing this my whole life and I sure wish I wasn't.
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Um, and frankly, I'm better at it than I used to be right, but it happens sometimes.
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So it's important again for the non-ADHD partner assume good intentions, not malicious intentions.
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They didn't mean to do this right, and so it's important to express your feelings without accusation and focus on the impact that it's having and not the blame.
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So, for example, you could say something like I know you don't mean to be late, but when it happens it makes me feel unimportant.
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So how can we work together to make this better?
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It's really valuable how this is worded right.
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I know you don't mean to be late.
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In other words, you're acknowledging where they're coming from, but you're still making it clear how this is making you feel, and then immediately we're pivoting to how can we make it work better?
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That's the.
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That's really what we're trying to do in the first place, anyways.
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Okay, so that's for the ADHD partner, for the not, or, sorry, for the non ADHD partner, for the ADHD or.
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Here's some questions for you.
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Am I expecting my brain to function in a way that it simply doesn't?
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Right?
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The classic example oh yeah, like in this one.
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Right, okay, we're going to meet for dinner at seven.
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Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, cool, sounds good.
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And we, just, like, are just trusting your brain to remember.
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You need to know yourself and your ADHD well enough to know and be honest with yourself enough to know that's not actually a very realistic thing, right?
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If that is the case, if that's part of your ADHD, is that you probably won't remember, okay, well then, don't expect yourself to remember.
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We need other systems, right?
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How can I set myself up for success instead of just hoping that I will remember?
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So a couple of tips here.
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You, you need to use external reminders, right?
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Alarms, calendars, sticky notes, instead of just trusting your memory.
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Another thing with this, too, is you need to plan buffer time.
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Okay, you need to if you need to, like.
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Don't just assume, right, so, seven o'clock, that means that I need to.
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Well, if I hit every single green light on the way to the restaurant, then I'll be okay, right?
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No, no, no.
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Set yourself some buffer time, give yourself extra Right, and I would say, give yourself potentially more than you think you're going to need.
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That would be very important, okay.
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More than you think you're going to need, that would be very important, okay, but all of that, like you need Basically what you actually need, no-transcript.
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So when your partner is frustrated with you because of something that has happened because of ADHD, the thing you need to realize is am I willing to own this, not beat yourself up over it?
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That's different, right.
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When you mess up and you make a mistake, you, though you're trying your best, totally get it.
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But what's interesting that I have noticed is that if you own it, be like yep, nope, I was late.
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I yep, that's on me.
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Then it diffuses things very quickly.
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That's on me, then it diffuses things very quickly, right.
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So taking ownership and taking responsibility for making sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again, or at least is less likely to happen again, is also important, right.
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In fact, it's so important.
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So the defensiveness thing here is so easy to fall into for people with ADHD.
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And again, assume good intentions.
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Easy to fall into for people with ADHD.
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And again, assume good intentions, right.
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Assume that she's like again, I'm coming from my perspective, right, I think it's important for me, that I assume that she is doing the best that she can and that she's genuinely frustrated and that's valid.
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You may very well think, wow, you really.
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Uh, you ought to think about what it's like being in my head and like I know that it's frustrating for you, but like, what about for me?
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But that's not in the moment.
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It's not very helpful, right?
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Because then it becomes the same thing of like who's right and who's wrong, and what you're looking for is to have a good relationship together and so you know you can say something like you know what.
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I know that being late makes you feel really unimportant.
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I really struggle with time management, but I want to be better.
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Can we come up with a system that helps me follow through?
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The important thing here is you don't want to again.
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You want to validate and move towards a solution, and sometimes in the relationship, that solution is going to involve your partner, but sometimes it won't, and I think it's important to consider both right.
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So again, rule number one assume good intentions.
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Right.
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So both partners are assuming good intentions and focusing on solutions instead of blame.
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The ADHD builds habits for reliability and the non-ADHD partner is acknowledging that forgetfulness is not a lack of love and care.
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It's due to, again, a neurodevelopmental condition of how their brain is wired.
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Rule number one, right, is that then it's not it.
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It doesn't become this like oh well, it's me versus you, it's hey, the two of us together are going to come up with ways where your adhd doesn't like, derail and sabotage our relationship.
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Okay, that's rule number one.
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Rule number two is communication needs a system, not just good intentions.
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Good intentions are wonderful, but the problem is here's an example, right.
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So you've reminded your partner three times about an event, they nod and say, yeah, yeah, mm-hmm, okay, I got it.
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And then, when the day arrives, they've completely forgotten.
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And you're just again like in this situation maybe my wife is frustrated and furious with me and they feel like, oh, we talked about this three times, Right, but it's all been like verbal conversations.
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The issue is that, for the person from ADHD, their perspective might be something like you know what, Like I swear I heard them tell me, but then my brain just did not hold onto that information and now they're upset with me and I just feel like a failure.
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Meanwhile, my wife, in this situation maybe, is thinking something like you know what?
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I feel like I have to micromanage everything.
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I feel like it's just exhausting that I have to keep track of everything for both of us, which is totally fair, right.
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So for the non-ADHD partner partner, here's a couple of reflection questions.
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Am I expecting them to remember things in a way that their brain is not wired to do, and would I rather be frustrated, or would I rather set up a system that actually works?
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You may need to change how you are communicating with your partner around important things in order for this kind of thing not to happen.
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You may need to change your approach.
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Okay, so, using tools, not nagging, because nagging doesn't really work with ADHD, because it relies on working memory.
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Right, instead, shifting your focus to expecting memory, to from expecting memory to work to making sure that things are written down.
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Okay, I'm going to say that again, you want them to be written down and you want anything that is important to be sent in multiple ways, using a system that both of you use together to coordinate things.
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Okay, system that both of you use together to coordinate things, okay.
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So again, you'll notice some of these things are similar for the ADHD-er.
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This is about you, if you do not have the skills or tools to keep track of all the stuff you need to remember.
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You need to start with that, right.
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You need to find a system that works for you, that your partner is connected to as well, if you don't have right.
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For example, if I'm talking to somebody right now who you know is like a parent of somebody with ADHD or, sorry, a parent of kids, right, you've got kids, maybe they've got ADHD.
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You have ADHD, you're trying to manage a family and everything you need to be able to like.
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Look at what tools do I have?
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Do we have a shared Google calendar?
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Do we have texts, emails, written stuff, whatever?
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And that you have a system in place where it's there.
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And this is not about control, right, this is not about like, oh, like, there's control and how I live my life.
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Like, no, no, no.
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This is about you being more reliable.
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That's the goal here.
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Okay, so, with the communication needs to be in when organizing your life together, you need a system that you can have in place, not just good intentions, because oh, yeah, yeah, I'll remember, no, you won't like, right, but that's back to rule number one.
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We want to assume good intentions, right and so from each other, but we also need to have a system in place so that we are not having this sort of like nagging thing that happens.
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The goal, ultimately, is for the individual with ADHD Well, both of you, frankly, right, but like for the individual with ADHD to have a system in place where, with adhd, to have a system in place where, whether it's your phone or your journal or your system or whatever it is sticky notes something is in place that, reliably, that is going to help you nag yourself and you can be more reliable.
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Does that make sense?
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Okay, so the so, instead of one partner feeling like a parent, both partners use systems, systems that support ADHD brains instead of fighting them.
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That's rule number two.
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So, rule number one assume good intentions.
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Rule number two communication needs a system.
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Rule number three balance energy levels and needs.
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Now, this one maybe doesn't apply to everybody, right, but I think it's important.
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I think it's a good rule for like relationships in general.
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But classic example here, right Again.
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Especially if you're dealing more with like somebody who's more of like the partner just kind of wants to relax.
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Meanwhile the ADHD partner is restless and needs some kind of stimulation.
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So one partner feels smothered in this situation and the other feels ignored, right?
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Maybe the non-ADHD partner is feeling like and this happens pretty frequently sometimes is like, oh, I need to recharge, like why can't they just sit still?
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Why can't we just have like a nice quiet evening?
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Meanwhile, the the more hyperactive partner is feeling like, ah, like I just need to be moving.
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Or like, can we go do something fun?
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I I'm, I just, I'm feeling antsy here sitting at home.
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It feels awful.
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Why don't they want to do something with me interesting there?
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Right?
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Going back to the intentions, assume good intentions.
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This is not that your partner, mr adhd, like if I'm talking myself even right, like this does not mean that your partner doesn't love you.
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It's just.
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And it doesn't even mean that you can't have a good relationship if, if you like to be more active and she doesn't, or vice versa, right?
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This is about how do we find balance.
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And again, how do you balance this?
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Energy levels and needs Both people's needs in the big picture of life need to be concerned or considered.
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So for the non-ADHD partner, right?
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Am I assuming my partner's need for movement is about me?
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How can I compromise without resentment, right?
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You don't want to compromise that in a way that leads to resentment, right?
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So if, if your partner is like, oh, come on, let's go do something, let's go do something, and then you just agree to it, well, I mean, you know like, if you agree to it sometimes and you're actually okay with that, that's fine.
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But if you're like, fine, we'll go out again.
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Or we'll go again right, and like, really you want it to relax.
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Do not compromise on that, because it's going to lead to resentment, or at least don't do it all the time.
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There needs to be balance, right.
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You need to understand that often people with ADHD thrive on stimulation, and it's not just about them ignoring you.
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You want to plan structured fun while protecting downtime.
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So, for example, in this situation the partner might say something like you know what, I need a quiet night tonight, but can we plan something fun for tomorrow?
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I would love for that to.
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You know what?
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And again you sort of zoom out big picture of life hey, you know what, I just need a quiet night, but can we do something tomorrow?
00:20:00.642 --> 00:20:12.481
And then meanwhile the ADHD-er can ask themselves you can ask yourself something like this how can I meet my need for stimulation without overwhelming my partner?
00:20:12.481 --> 00:20:19.877
Because that's actually important to think how are they experiencing you right now, and that is something that is not.
00:20:19.877 --> 00:20:21.990
I mean, it could get into a bigger thing.
00:20:22.010 --> 00:20:28.995
About masking I know I've probably talked about this in previous episodes, but masking isn't always a bad thing, or at least it's not.
00:20:28.995 --> 00:20:37.062
There's an important difference between masking and like self-awareness and being considerate, and I think what I'm advocating for is being considerate.
00:20:37.062 --> 00:20:45.998
How can I meet my own needs without overwhelming my partner, and what activities help me self-regulate when I feel restless?
00:20:45.998 --> 00:20:46.901
Right.
00:20:46.901 --> 00:20:50.513
So find ways to self-stimulate without depending on your partner all the time.
00:20:50.513 --> 00:21:00.283
Right, maybe you're going to go for a walk, or you're going to go to the gym or whatever, and you need to respect their need for quiet and schedule excitement for another time, right.
00:21:00.283 --> 00:21:06.940
So, so you can't just place expectations that like they have to do what you want to do.
00:21:06.940 --> 00:21:08.605
Right, and that goes both ways.
00:21:08.605 --> 00:21:11.754
Right, and sometimes you can find a thing that meets in the middle.
00:21:12.536 --> 00:21:18.216
But you cannot like this power struggle thing that happens where it starts becoming about.
00:21:18.216 --> 00:21:29.653
Well, this is what I want, and this is what I want and it's like well, I mean, the reality is is, first, you don't need to do everything together, but you do want to do enough together that you feel connected and so right.
00:21:29.653 --> 00:21:54.105
So like, okay, well, I get restless when I'm at home, or I'm feeling restless tonight, maybe I'll go for a walk or I'll go do something with friends or something while you relax, and then we'll do something together tomorrow, right, so both partners are balancing adventure in this situation with rest, okay, so we're balancing those things and it doesn't have to be like a win lose, Right?
00:21:54.105 --> 00:22:07.543
And, and it actually reminds me, this is tangential, but one of the best things that my wife and I ever did when we were first together I don't know what it was, but we had it in our head that, uh, we couldn't get a babysitter.
00:22:07.543 --> 00:22:16.844
We know some like teens and like family, friends and things like that, who could be babysitters before my, before my oldest was old enough to babysit ourselves, right?
00:22:16.844 --> 00:22:19.515
Or that we could leave our kids at home with the oldest.
00:22:19.515 --> 00:22:21.506
And one of the things that we used to do is that we could leave our kids at home with the oldest.
00:22:21.506 --> 00:22:28.031
And one of the things that we used to do is that we had it in our heads that you only get a babysitter if you're going on a date together.
00:22:28.031 --> 00:22:31.042
And eventually we were like you know what?
00:22:31.042 --> 00:22:33.289
Why don't we just get a babysitter?
00:22:33.289 --> 00:22:34.775
It's dnd night for me.
00:22:34.775 --> 00:22:44.899
I'm going to hang out with the or gonna go do dnd, but my wife actually wanted to go out for dinner with her friends and we're like, well, whatever, just get a, get a thing, it'll be fine.
00:22:44.899 --> 00:22:47.483
So, uh, so it was okay.
00:22:47.483 --> 00:22:56.294
So we did that and uh again, we still did stuff together and I think that you do want to be mindful to not do everything apart.
00:22:56.294 --> 00:23:00.701
But eventually, right, uh, okay.
00:23:00.701 --> 00:23:05.901
So that's that one rule number four manage emotional, emotional intensity before it escalates.
00:23:06.161 --> 00:23:10.694
So here's an example, right, so a casual disagreement turns into a full-blown meltdown.
00:23:10.694 --> 00:23:15.072
Maybe the adhd forgot something important like paying a bill or picking up the kids.
00:23:15.072 --> 00:23:20.717
Maybe the non-adhd brings it up, frustrated but calm at first, and then, all of a sudden, the adhd right like.
00:23:20.717 --> 00:23:28.274
All of a sudden the ADHD right like, all of a sudden, me in this situation is just like super defensive and blows up, and all of a sudden it's this huge big thing.
00:23:28.274 --> 00:23:32.190
Okay, both people end up feeling misunderstood, unheard and exhausted.
00:23:32.190 --> 00:23:39.173
So from the partner's perspective, they end up feeling like they have to walk on eggshells and it's just exhausting.
00:23:39.173 --> 00:23:40.997
And why can't we ever talk about things without drama.
00:23:41.557 --> 00:23:47.312
Right, and this is a real thing is because, like, people with adhd often have emotion regulation issues.
00:23:47.312 --> 00:23:54.009
In other words, we often have big feelings and uh, right, like from from the adhd perspective.
00:23:54.009 --> 00:24:00.880
Right, you could say like, oh man, it feels like my emotions go from zero to a hundred and I can't stop it and what like I hate feeling this way.
00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:07.240
And then, like my emotions go from zero to a hundred and I can't stop it and what like I hate feeling this way, and then, like my partner just becomes dismissive and it just makes everything worse.
00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:11.841
Right, we could talk about rejection sensitivity built into that as well.
00:24:11.841 --> 00:24:20.352
Right, so for the non ADHD partner, am I dismissing or minimizing my partner's emotions because they seem too intense?
00:24:20.352 --> 00:24:26.280
Am I dismissing or minimizing my partner's emotions because they seem too intense?
00:24:26.300 --> 00:24:28.725
This is something that I think if I'm pausing, I'm trying to find the right words.
00:24:28.725 --> 00:24:48.502
I think it requires a very nuanced and emotionally mature approach in situations like this, because situations like this I have seen in the past be mislabeled as abusive in the past, be mislabeled as abusive, and I think that it can become abusive and there are situations where it can be considered abusive.
00:24:48.502 --> 00:25:02.236
But I also think that people with ADHD can just sometimes be intense in a way that is unfamiliar to people who don't have ADHD and this is not just an ADHD problem, right, but I think that it's often something that can happen.
00:25:02.236 --> 00:25:13.780
So how can I validate their feelings without like buckling or on my own stuff, but also like not escalating, right?
00:25:13.780 --> 00:25:17.931
So this is, again, it requires empathy and it requires nuance, right?
00:25:17.931 --> 00:25:18.873
So don't escalate.
00:25:19.433 --> 00:25:27.537
Saying things like, oh, you're overreacting, or calm down will only make the situation worse, right, and so that is something you want to.
00:25:27.537 --> 00:25:31.029
You don't want to escalate, you don't want to invalidate, right?
00:25:31.029 --> 00:25:37.002
You want to validate their feelings before problem solving, right?
00:25:37.002 --> 00:25:45.265
And this is a good rule in general is that you want to validate feelings first and that we want to de-escalate.
00:25:45.265 --> 00:25:58.144
Then you want to talk about problem solving, because the person has become irrational at that point, your ADHD partner has become irrational and you want to, at the very least, validate the situation.
00:25:58.490 --> 00:26:02.250
Having said that as well, sometimes it's important to give space when needed.
00:26:02.250 --> 00:26:04.756
If your partner needs a break, respect it.
00:26:04.756 --> 00:26:06.680
This is, this is so.
00:26:06.680 --> 00:26:08.991
Don't chase them if they say you know what?
00:26:08.991 --> 00:26:10.515
I don't want to talk about this right now.
00:26:10.515 --> 00:26:13.321
I, I need to take a break.
00:26:13.321 --> 00:26:15.049
Don't chase them.
00:26:15.049 --> 00:26:24.220
Okay, I say something like I see you're upset, can we like take a breath, take a breather, maybe cool off, and then can we talk about this breath, take a breather, maybe cool off, and then can we talk about this later, when we're both ready.
00:26:24.220 --> 00:26:31.250
Don't just say like, ah, we can't talk about this, and then stonewall, that's not gonna help, that's sweeping it under the rug, it's just gonna fester.
00:26:31.250 --> 00:26:34.915
But it's okay to calm things down right.
00:26:35.076 --> 00:26:42.125
As for the adhd, here you want to ask yourself how do I recognize when I am dysregulated before it's too late?
00:26:42.125 --> 00:26:48.120
How do I recognize that and how can I pause before my emotions take over?
00:26:48.120 --> 00:26:49.958
There's a lot of great stuff with mindfulness.
00:26:49.958 --> 00:26:56.230
You know we talked about mindfulness in the last episode, but I think in general, staying grounded, right.
00:26:56.230 --> 00:27:00.256
So you need to recognize emotional flooding because emotions hit hard and fast.
00:27:00.256 --> 00:27:06.404
So you need to recognize emotional flooding because emotions hit hard and fast, and sometimes you need to recognize, maybe physically, what does that feel like for you?
00:27:06.404 --> 00:27:08.832
What are the warning signs?
00:27:09.634 --> 00:27:11.460
You want to use a pause strategy, right.
00:27:11.460 --> 00:27:18.536
You want to use like, okay, I'm going to take a step back, how do I feel?
00:27:18.536 --> 00:27:23.652
I'm going to cool off, and it's okay to even say you know what?
00:27:23.652 --> 00:27:27.584
I'm feeling a little bit defensive or I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed right now.
00:27:27.584 --> 00:27:28.646
Um, and you want to?
00:27:28.646 --> 00:27:30.814
Again, it's okay to ask for a break, right?
00:27:30.814 --> 00:27:31.697
You can say you know what?
00:27:31.697 --> 00:27:33.121
Like, I need a few minutes to calm down.
00:27:33.121 --> 00:27:36.436
Uh, I want to talk about this, but I don't want to.
00:27:36.436 --> 00:27:42.829
I don't want it to turn into something bigger, Okay.
00:27:42.850 --> 00:28:00.501
So rule number four is all about emotion regulation and instead of this constant cycle of blow-ups and shutdowns and bottling it up and those sorts of things, both partners recognize warning signs and I think it's okay as well, by the way, in a situation like this, for your partner to say, hey, uh, are we what?
00:28:00.501 --> 00:28:02.733
I'm noticing, you're a little upset, like, can we cool off?
00:28:02.733 --> 00:28:03.597
Can we talk about this later?
00:28:03.597 --> 00:28:07.499
So you can go from there on that one Next.
00:28:07.499 --> 00:28:08.922
So this is that, that's it.
00:28:08.922 --> 00:28:12.480
Number five play to your strengths as a team.
00:28:12.480 --> 00:28:20.982
So this is something that you have to do, again, with nuance and, particularly for the ADHD partner, don't take on everything.
00:28:20.982 --> 00:28:24.251
Okay, right, so that I know that.
00:28:24.251 --> 00:28:33.725
That's the temptation and I'm going to be honest with you is that in a lot of relationships, fairness and equality may need to be something we rethink.
00:28:33.725 --> 00:28:35.631
I'll talk about that in a second Right.
00:28:35.671 --> 00:28:40.510
So the ADHD are often like forgetting bills, leaving dishes unfinished, missing deadlines.
00:28:40.510 --> 00:28:46.042
Meanwhile, the person with ADHD just gets tired of being the default responsible adult.
00:28:46.042 --> 00:28:46.983
Right.
00:28:46.983 --> 00:28:58.142
And in ADHD, the ADHD-er in turn just sort of feels like a failure, feeling avoidant or defensive or ashamed, and the dynamic turns into something that feels more like a parent-child relationship.
00:28:58.142 --> 00:29:05.136
So that's not ideal and especially in a romantic relationship that's also super unsexy sometimes, right.
00:29:05.136 --> 00:29:10.693
And so the non-ADHD feels like I have to do everything.
00:29:10.693 --> 00:29:12.941
I don't want to remind them, I don't want to be your parent.
00:29:12.941 --> 00:29:16.294
So here's the thing, right.
00:29:16.374 --> 00:29:21.663
So for the non-ADHD partner, here's a couple questions.
00:29:21.663 --> 00:29:26.961
Number one am I assuming my partner is careless or lazy when they struggle?
00:29:26.961 --> 00:29:28.756
Sounds familiar, right?
00:29:28.756 --> 00:29:33.961
And can I accept help, even if it looks different than how I do it?
00:29:33.961 --> 00:29:36.557
So a couple of things to think about.
00:29:36.557 --> 00:29:39.519
Let go of fair and focus on balance.
00:29:39.519 --> 00:29:49.021
So ADHD brains are not wired for consistency and instead of forcing a 50-50 split, think about who is naturally better at what.
00:29:49.021 --> 00:29:51.391
Okay, let them.
00:29:51.852 --> 00:30:00.396
And again, we need to have this mindset that there are some things that you are just way better at than your ADHD partner.
00:30:00.396 --> 00:30:07.978
And if you are going to offload that to them, you need to be mindful of like, how much better?
00:30:07.978 --> 00:30:10.524
Like am I setting us up for failure here?
00:30:10.524 --> 00:30:12.093
Right?
00:30:12.093 --> 00:30:17.027
And if you do hand things over, you need to let them own their tasks fully.
00:30:17.027 --> 00:30:20.034
Micromanaging is only going to.
00:30:20.034 --> 00:30:25.212
It's actually makes things less likely, makes us ADHDers less likely to want to help.
00:30:26.095 --> 00:30:30.033
If you're going to tell me, for example, hey, you need to do the dishwasher, great example.
00:30:30.033 --> 00:30:31.656
Actually, I'll use myself as an example.
00:30:31.656 --> 00:30:35.654
My job, one of my jobs at home, is to do the cardboard and the recycling.
00:30:35.654 --> 00:30:50.845
Okay, now I guarantee you, if my wife had that job, she would do it every week and that we would have our recycling out on the road every week and that it wouldn't collect in the garage like a giant pile.
00:30:50.845 --> 00:30:53.277
She would be doing it every week and it would be awesome.
00:30:53.277 --> 00:30:58.779
But you have to let the person do it their way.
00:30:58.779 --> 00:31:14.492
You have to let the person do it their way, and so my way of doing it is that I do it about every two or three weeks because it just shows up in my brain a little bit more and I feel motivated to do it when it starts to get annoying that I can't open the garage door because the cardboard behind the door is blocking it.
00:31:14.492 --> 00:31:20.030
Right, that's how I would do it If my wife insisted that I was doing it every single week.
00:31:20.030 --> 00:31:25.963
I would probably just feel very frustrated and overwhelmed, um, and it would just cause tension in our relationship.
00:31:26.790 --> 00:31:35.431
If you ask your partner to load the dishwasher and then they don't load it the way that you would like to load it, you need to let them do it the way that they are going to do it Right.
00:31:35.431 --> 00:31:50.515
And and this is the thing is that you have to actually and they might take twice as long and they might not do it as effectively but you have to ask yourself are you what's better, for them to do it the way that you would do it or for them to like not do it at all?
00:31:50.515 --> 00:32:01.767
And you have to actually like be open to the fact that you are a human being that doesn't want to be a parent, so that's that needs to be more important than them doing it perfectly as the example right.
00:32:01.767 --> 00:32:04.140
You want to be apparent, so that's that needs to be more important than them doing it perfectly as the example right.
00:32:04.140 --> 00:32:07.565
You want to acknowledge effort, not just failure.
00:32:07.565 --> 00:32:09.733
This is huge right.
00:32:09.754 --> 00:32:15.956
If the only time you ever say anything about what your partner is doing is when they didn't do it right, it's so demotivating, right.
00:32:15.956 --> 00:32:34.497
And so it's important to, like ADHDers often, respond to encouragement uh, instead of just, oh, you forgot this, again you forgot.
00:32:34.497 --> 00:32:36.017
But like, oh, hey, thanks for getting that done Right.
00:32:36.017 --> 00:32:41.340
Or feel like, yeah, you know what I would like, really like to do that, do it right.
00:32:41.340 --> 00:32:53.846
If you're good at cooking but you suck at paying bills, do the cooking right, take over the meal planning, take over whatever, right, but avoid this like all or nothing thinking Just because you forgot something doesn't mean that you're a failure.
00:32:54.625 --> 00:32:57.428
And if you need to use external supports, do that.
00:32:57.428 --> 00:33:02.750
Don't just try harder, okay, this is another thing.
00:33:02.750 --> 00:33:03.072
This try harder.
00:33:03.072 --> 00:33:03.594
Nonsense needs to stop.
00:33:03.594 --> 00:33:06.521
It's not a healthy way to deal with it and it's not going to be productive.
00:33:06.521 --> 00:33:09.295
So I know that I struggle with follow through.
00:33:09.315 --> 00:33:10.698
So let's divide tasks right.
00:33:10.698 --> 00:33:22.807
Divide tasks based on what you actually are good at, and that's uh, and you know what, what maybe and this is like to the non-adhd partner.
00:33:22.807 --> 00:33:27.439
I will absolutely acknowledge to you you know what you might end up doing more than half.
00:33:27.439 --> 00:33:32.116
That's probably true, like that might be the case I.
00:33:32.116 --> 00:33:44.954
It's not always the case, but often it is, and you need to be able to have your own boundaries on things and you need to be willing to compromise and to take a step back and think how important is this relationship to me?
00:33:45.391 --> 00:33:52.613
The example that I that I often go to is again, that your partner has neuro, a neurodevelopmental disorder, adhd.
00:33:52.613 --> 00:33:57.884
Their brain is wired differently in the same way that somebody with autism.
00:33:57.884 --> 00:33:59.375
Their brain is wired differently.
00:33:59.375 --> 00:34:14.721
Okay, it's very similar, and so the the example that I use with this is like imagine that you were in a relationship with a partner who had a wheelchair and they they were right.
00:34:14.761 --> 00:34:27.722
Every time you got into the car, um, you were, uh, you were frustrated that you had to put the wheelchair in the car and like, fair enough, absolutely, that's so frustrating.
00:34:27.722 --> 00:34:32.775
But like, if this relationship is going to work, you need to let that go.
00:34:32.775 --> 00:34:41.260
Right, you, if you are not willing to be the person who puts the wheelchair in the car, this relationship is not going to work and that's okay.
00:34:41.260 --> 00:34:47.322
But like, if you are in this, if you are actually going to sit and commit to this, don't resent the.
00:34:47.322 --> 00:34:50.539
You would never resent the person for having to put the wheelchair in the car.
00:34:50.539 --> 00:34:52.333
Right that would be.
00:34:52.333 --> 00:34:55.601
That would be a thing that you and, frankly, you wouldn't.
00:34:55.601 --> 00:34:59.034
If you needed to vent about having to put the wheelchair in the car, you would not.
00:34:59.034 --> 00:35:02.798
Your partner is probably not the right person to vent about that too.
00:35:03.579 --> 00:35:12.280
So instead of one person feeling like they do all the work, though, a couple divides responsibilities based on strengths, not just expectations.
00:35:12.280 --> 00:35:24.583
So the adhd is not micromanaged and the ad non-adhd partner is not overwhelmed with all the stuff that needs to get done needs to be communication and playing things out so that you can work as a team.
00:35:24.583 --> 00:35:28.619
So those are the five rules for review.
00:35:28.619 --> 00:35:30.737
Rule number one assume good intentions.
00:35:30.737 --> 00:35:33.938
Rule number two communication needs a system.
00:35:33.938 --> 00:35:37.880
Rule number three balance energy levels and needs.
00:35:37.880 --> 00:35:43.061
Rule number four manage emotional intensity before it escalates.
00:35:43.061 --> 00:35:46.701
And rule number five play to your strengths as a team.
00:35:46.701 --> 00:35:49.492
So hopefully, this episode has been helpful for you.
00:35:49.492 --> 00:35:53.242
I think that these are some really good rules to keep in mind.
00:35:53.242 --> 00:35:59.780
And again head over to rechargepsychologycom.
00:35:59.780 --> 00:36:01.744
If you have found this helpful.
00:36:01.744 --> 00:36:09.813
If you want to work with me in therapy, I also have some free resources as well, but otherwise, thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you next time.
00:36:09.813 --> 00:36:10.554
Bye.