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Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hi there, it's Dana Shea and welcome to the Rebuilding Us Marriage Podcast. What if the problem in your marriage isn't that you aren't communicating enough? What if you're actually talking too much about your marriage? If every conversation turns into another analysis of what's wrong, I'm going to show you six reasons why talking can actually create more disconnection and what to do instead. Have you ever had one of those conversations with your spouse when you started talking because you wanted to make things better, but then 45 minutes later, you were both more frustrated, more defensive, and more disconnected than when the conversation first started? You're thinking, we need to talk about this. Your spouse is thinking, please, not this again. And somewhere along the way, the conversation that was supposed to bring you healing becomes another reminder of everything in your marriage or everything in your relationship that ever went wrong. Here's something that might surprise you. Sometimes talking about your marriage is actually making your marriage worse. Now, not because communication is bad. I teach a lot about communication. And not because you shouldn't address the problems. You absolutely should. But because there is a huge difference between talking about your problems and actually connecting with your spouse. And if every single conversation in your marriage has become an evaluation, a confrontation, a correction, or my God, a coaching or a counseling session, your relationship can actually start to feel more like a project than a partnership. Today, I want to talk about why that happens, how to recognize it, and what you can start to do differently. Because your marriage may not need another three-hour conversation. It might need something altogether different. Welcome back to the Rebuilding Us Marriage Podcast, where we talk about all things from moving from conflict to connection, rebuilding after betrayal, rebuilding relationships that feel stuck, strained, or disconnected. I am your host, Dana Shea. Today, we're going to talk about something that sounds almost backwards. Maybe you even clicked on this podcast and you're thinking, what is she going to talk about? Communication isn't good? Talking about your marriage isn't good? No. We are talking about your marriage and what about your marriage can actually make it worse. Speaking about communication. Now, before anybody clips this and says, Dana said couples shouldn't communicate, you know that's not what I'm saying, okay? Healthy communication is essential, but there are couples who communicate constantly about their marriage and they still feel disconnected. Is that you? These couples analyze their marriages. They evaluate their marriages. They talk about what needs to change. They talk about what happened three years ago. They talk about what somebody said last Tuesday. They talk about the thing that your mama said that they never forgave. They talk about why they're unhappy. They talk about why their spouse isn't listening. They talk about why their communication isn't working. And eventually what happens? They get exhausted. Maybe you're exhausted. So let's unpack why that happens and more importantly, what we can do better. So I'm going to give you six reasons and six tips on how to stop talking about your marriage so much and how to actually make this better. Okay. Number one, your marriage has become the only thing that you talk about. I want you to think back to when you first started dating. You probably didn't sit across from each other asking, so on a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate our emotional intimacy this week? No, you talked about life. You laughed. You told stories. You dreamed. You flirted. You talked about music, food, family, work, goals, ridiculous things that happened during the day, right? You were discovering one another. You were curious about one another. But sometimes after years of marriage and especially after betrayal or conflict or some major season of disconnection, something changes. Your relationship itself becomes the primary subject of the relationship. Every date becomes, we need to talk. Every quiet moment becomes, can I ask you something? Every car ride becomes, I've been thinking about us. And eventually, one or both of you, you start avoiding the conversations altogether. Not because you don't care, but because the conversation has become synonymous with conflict. Your spouse doesn't hear, can we talk? You know what they hear? Something else is wrong. And when that happens repeatedly, your nervous system starts preparing for battle before the conversation even begins. And that's why sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes the healthiest thing that you can do for your marriage is to stop constantly talking about the marriage and start experiencing life inside the marriage again. One of the hardest things about resolving conflict is knowing where to start. This is why a lot of people tend to avoid conflict. But that's not you, because today I am giving you access to my heart-to-heart conversation starters when facing conflict. These three simple prompts are going to help you to be able to start conversations more confidently with clarity in order to find common ground. Grab your copy today at danashe.com forward slash conversation starters. That's d-a-n-a-c-h-e dot com forward slash conversation starters. Now back to our show. Laugh together. Go somewhere. Do something different. Cook something. Watch something funny. Take a walk. Play a game. Do something where the goal isn't constant improvement. The goal is just simply enjoying one another. Because a relationship, well, it just cannot survive on analysis alone. So that's the first thing. Number two. Maybe you're trying to get resolution before you have regulation. Okay, what do I mean by this? Another reason that talking can make things worse is because you're trying to solve a problem while one or both of you are emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated. Maybe your heart is racing, you're angry, you're hurt, you're triggered. Your spouse might say one sentence and suddenly whoosh, right? You go from just not responding to what was said today, but to responding to all the things that have been happening over the last 15 years. And then we tell ourselves, we're going to stay right here until we figure this out. And that, my friend, usually does not work. Because when you're emotionally flooded, you're not listening to understand. What are you listening for? You're listening for threats. You're listening for blame. You're preparing your defense. You're gathering evidence. You're building your rebuttal. So instead of two spouses trying to understand each other, you end up with two attorneys actually arguing their case. And nobody feels heard. And somebody must be found guilty in a court of law, right? There's wisdom in knowing when a conversation needs to stop. Not permanently, but temporarily. Sometimes the most mature sentence you can say is, I want to have this conversation, but I don't think either of us is in a good place to do it well right now. Taking a break isn't necessarily avoidance. Sometimes it's stewardship. You're protecting your relationship from words that you won't ever be able to take back. As a matter of fact, in the Bible, in Proverbs 15.1, it says that a gentle answer turns away wrath. but a harsh word stirs up anger. Notice it doesn't say a perfect argument turns away wrath. It says a gentle answer. Sometimes your tone matters more than your talking points. Number three, you are listening to respond instead of listening to understand. You guys know I talk about this all the time, okay? One of the biggest problems that I see in struggling marriages is that both spouses desperately want to be understood, but neither spouse wants to go first. Hashtag pride. You say things like, you don't understand how much you hurt me. And your spouse says, well, you don't understand what I was going through. And then you come back with, well, that's not the point. And then they say what? See, you never listened to me. Hence the crazy cycle. What happens is that now you're competing over whose pain hurts worse, whose pain deserves the microphone, if you will. But here's something I want you to remember. Understanding your spouse does not mean always agreeing with your spouse. These are two different things. I often say that, what? Communication is not about agreeing, but about understanding. See, I can understand why something hurt you without agreeing with your interpretation of everything that happened. I can understand why you're afraid without believing your fear is completely accurate. I can understand your perspective without abandoning my own. And one of the most powerful questions that you can ask your spouse is, help me understand. Help me understand what this felt like for you. Not, why did you do that? Explain to me why you did that. Those sound similar, but they feel very different. One question is curiosity. The other question is a cross-examination. And your spouse usually can tell very quickly the difference. See, the truth is, is that curiosity, curiosity is is what creates connection. Number four, you're using conversation to force reassurance. Now this one is especially important when trust has been broken. Sometimes we want to keep revisiting the same subject because we're looking for a feeling that conversation cannot permanently give us. We want certainty. We're looking for reassurance. We want the anxiety to disappear. So we ask another question. And then another. And then another. And then for five minutes we feel better. But then another thought comes. Another fear. Another concern. Another memory. And then suddenly we need another what? Conversation. Now I'm not saying that questions aren't appropriate after betrayal. They absolutely are. However, truth and transparency is what you're after. And you're not going to get that when someone feels like they're being cross-examined. Accountability matters, but eventually you have to recognize the difference between seeking information and seeking emotional certainty. There's no conversation that your spouse can give you that will guarantee that you will never be hurt again. And at some point, rebuilding trust, it requires more than just words. Trust is built by consistent behavior over time, not more conversations over time. What you really need to see is, are their actions changing? Are they becoming a safer person? Are they becoming more honest? Are they keeping their commitments? Are they taking responsibility? Because trust is not rebuilt through one perfect, long conversation. Trust is rebuilt through patterns. Remember, consistency over time, okay? Number five, every conversation has become a performance review. Imagine going to work every day knowing that your manager or your boss was going to sit you down and discuss everything that you were doing wrong. Eventually, you're not going to want to go to work, right? You're not going to walk into the building excited. You're going to walk in guarded. You're going to walk in there frustrated. And some marriages feel just like that. One spouse becomes the relationship manager. They're constantly evaluating. We don't spend enough time together. We don't communicate enough. We're not having enough sex. We're having too much sex. You're not affectionate enough. You never initiate. You don't ask me about my day. You're always distracted. You're on your phone too much. And some of those complaints may be legitimate. You might be onto something. However, if criticism is the dominant atmosphere of your relationship, eventually your spouse is going to stop trying. Not because they don't care or because they don't love you, but because they feel like whatever they do, it's never going to be enough. Correction without appreciation, that breeds discouragement. So ask yourself this. When was the last time I told my spouse what they were doing right? Not to manipulate them and not as a compliment sandwich before criticism, even though I don't disagree with that all the time, but just genuine appreciation. Something like, I noticed that. Thank you. You know what? That meant a lot to me. I appreciate the way you handled that. I love that about you. Here's the truth. Healthy marriages, they don't ignore problems, but they don't make the problems the center of the marriage. They don't make the problems the only thing worth noticing either. Here's my sixth and final point. You're trying to solve an emotional problem with more words. Some things cannot be talked into healing. Sometimes your spouse doesn't need another explanation anymore. They need an experience. They need to experience consistency. They need to experience affection, safety. They need to experience you following through like you said you were gonna do. They need to experience you choosing them. They need to experience laughter again, peace in your home, presence. That's what they're looking for. That's probably what you're looking for. And that's why I want you to remember that that some marriage problems need a conversation, others need a new pattern, a new rhythm. If you've already talked about something 47 times, conversation 48 is probably not going to work. Maybe it's time for you to ask, what action can make this conversation unnecessary? If your spouse says that they don't feel prioritized, maybe another conversation about priorities isn't what they need. Maybe put your phone away. Maybe you initiate the date night. You show up. If your spouse says that they don't trust you, maybe another speech about why you're trustworthy and all the reasons isn't what they need. Maybe they need you to be consistently transparent. If your spouse is feeling lonely, maybe you don't need to explain why you've been busy and how they have other friends that they can lean on. Maybe you just sit with them. Sometimes love, it actually needs fewer words, and more evidence. So, am I saying not to talk? Of course not. When should you talk? That's the question. I don't want you leaving this episode thinking that healthy couples don't discuss hard things. They absolutely do. I've dedicated my work to this. But healthy conversations have some important characteristics. I want you to ask yourself, am I calm enough to have this conversation? Do I want connection or am I just trying to prove my points? Is now the best time for this conversation? Have we already discussed this repeatedly without changing anything? Am I asking my spouse to understand me while refusing to understand them? Is there an action that I need to take instead of just another conversation? These questions, they can change the game for you. I want you to think about the 80-20 marriage rule. So here's a practical challenge for you, and you can do this starting today, okay? I'm calling this the 80-20 marriage rule, and you've probably heard of something similar. But let's say that roughly 80% of your marriage interactions are just about life. They're about laughing. They're about parenting, dreaming, eating, flirting, running errands, paying bills, just enjoying and encouraging one another, doing normal stuff, normal life. That's 80%. Then reserve a small percentage, 20%, for those intentional conversations about problems and improvement, okay? Now, obviously, there's going to be seasons, especially if you're going through a really difficult time, if you're going through a crisis, if you're rebuilding after betrayal. These times, sometimes, heavier conversations need more space. But your marriage was never intended to just be one huge, long counseling session. You still need friendship. You still need enjoyment. You still need play. Do with that what you want. You still need moments that remind you, oh yeah, I really like this person sometimes. Because one of the greatest predictors of whether hard conversations go well is the emotional climate that is surrounding those conversations. When your friendship is strong, difficult conversations feel very different. So here's my final thought to you today. Maybe your marriage doesn't need more communication. Maybe it needs better communication and more connection. Maybe you don't need to talk about the relationship tonight. Maybe you need to go get ice cream. Maybe you need to go take a walk. Maybe you just need to sit on the couch together and laugh. Maybe you need to put those phones away. Maybe you need to remember something that you love about each other and then tell each other that. Ecclesiastes chapter three, there's a scripture that tells us that there is a time to speak and a time to be silent. Wisdom is knowing which moment you're in. So yes, please have the hard conversations. I have a free resource called Conversation Starters. You can find that in the description below. But I want you to tell the truth, address the wounds, set boundaries, ask the difficult questions, But don't forget to actually live your marriage while you're trying to fix your marriage. See, your spouse isn't just someone that you're trying to solve problems with. There's someone that you are meant to know, to enjoy, to love, to build or even rebuild with. Sometimes the breakthrough that you're looking for isn't at the end of another three-hour conversation. Sometimes it's waiting. in a completely ordinary moment of connection. And I know this is hard for us, you all, but you can do it. I'll tell you real quick that this is so personal to me because I'm a talker. I have a podcast. I'm a speaker, right? I love to talk. And I have had to learn in my life that it's not about another conversation. Sean doesn't like to talk a whole lot. So I have to learn how to discern, engage where he's at so that I'm not just talking, talking, talking and fixing, fixing, fixing. So if that's you and if this episode meant anything to you, I would love it if you would share it. Maybe share it with your spouse, but don't share it and then ask them to give you three bullet points of what they learned. Just share it and say, you know what? This really meant a lot to me and I think that it will really mean a lot to you too. Remember, no relationship evaluation, problem solving, no hidden agenda. Just take some time and enjoy each other again. And listen, if you're rebuilding after betrayal, I know it's hard. I know that you're trying to figure out your next step. And this is why I have free resources to help you along that journey. So whether you're watching this on YouTube, those links will be in the description below. If you're listening to this audio, you can simply go to danashay.com forward slash conversation starters and get that free resource that I was telling you about to help you to start some of these good conversations. 15 minutes is all you need, okay? And then of course, if you're rebuilding after infidelity, I would be honored to walk you through that process with my flagship program, Infidelity Intensive. You can find that at danashay.com forward slash infidelityintensive. Thanks so much for listening or watching. If you're watching this on YouTube, be sure to like this video, share it, subscribe to this channel. If you're listening to the podcast, be sure to follow this podcast. And of course, I would love to hear what you think about this podcast if you would give it a five-star review and rate it on Apple or Spotify. Thanks so much for listening. You can check out the show notes at danashay.com. I'll see you on the next video or the next audio. Take care.
Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hi there, it's Dana Shea and welcome to the Rebuilding Us Marriage Podcast. What if the problem in your marriage isn't that you aren't communicating enough? What if you're actually talking too much about your marriage? If every conversation turns into another analysis of what's wrong, I'm going to show you six reasons why talking can actually create more disconnection and what to do instead. Have you ever had one of those conversations with your spouse when you started talking because you wanted to make things better, but then 45 minutes later, you were both more frustrated, more defensive, and more disconnected than when the conversation first started? You're thinking, we need to talk about this. Your spouse is thinking, please, not this again. And somewhere along the way, the conversation that was supposed to bring you healing becomes another reminder of everything in your marriage or everything in your relationship that ever went wrong. Here's something that might surprise you. Sometimes talking about your marriage is actually making your marriage worse. Now, not because communication is bad. I teach a lot about communication. And not because you shouldn't address the problems. You absolutely should. But because there is a huge difference between talking about your problems and actually connecting with your spouse. And if every single conversation in your marriage has become an evaluation, a confrontation, a correction, or my God, a coaching or a counseling session, your relationship can actually start to feel more like a project than a partnership. Today, I want to talk about why that happens, how to recognize it, and what you can start to do differently. Because your marriage may not need another three-hour conversation. It might need something altogether different. Welcome back to the Rebuilding Us Marriage Podcast, where we talk about all things from moving from conflict to connection, rebuilding after betrayal, rebuilding relationships that feel stuck, strained, or disconnected. I am your host, Dana Shea. Today, we're going to talk about something that sounds almost backwards. Maybe you even clicked on this podcast and you're thinking, what is she going to talk about? Communication isn't good? Talking about your marriage isn't good? No. We are talking about your marriage and what about your marriage can actually make it worse. Speaking about communication. Now, before anybody clips this and says, Dana said couples shouldn't communicate, you know that's not what I'm saying, okay? Healthy communication is essential, but there are couples who communicate constantly about their marriage and they still feel disconnected. Is that you? These couples analyze their marriages. They evaluate their marriages. They talk about what needs to change. They talk about what happened three years ago. They talk about what somebody said last Tuesday. They talk about the thing that your mama said that they never forgave. They talk about why they're unhappy. They talk about why their spouse isn't listening. They talk about why their communication isn't working. And eventually what happens? They get exhausted. Maybe you're exhausted. So let's unpack why that happens and more importantly, what we can do better. So I'm going to give you six reasons and six tips on how to stop talking about your marriage so much and how to actually make this better. Okay. Number one, your marriage has become the only thing that you talk about. I want you to think back to when you first started dating. You probably didn't sit across from each other asking, so on a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate our emotional intimacy this week? No, you talked about life. You laughed. You told stories. You dreamed. You flirted. You talked about music, food, family, work, goals, ridiculous things that happened during the day, right? You were discovering one another. You were curious about one another. But sometimes after years of marriage and especially after betrayal or conflict or some major season of disconnection, something changes. Your relationship itself becomes the primary subject of the relationship. Every date becomes, we need to talk. Every quiet moment becomes, can I ask you something? Every car ride becomes, I've been thinking about us. And eventually, one or both of you, you start avoiding the conversations altogether. Not because you don't care, but because the conversation has become synonymous with conflict. Your spouse doesn't hear, can we talk? You know what they hear? Something else is wrong. And when that happens repeatedly, your nervous system starts preparing for battle before the conversation even begins. And that's why sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes the healthiest thing that you can do for your marriage is to stop constantly talking about the marriage and start experiencing life inside the marriage again. One of the hardest things about resolving conflict is knowing where to start. This is why a lot of people tend to avoid conflict. But that's not you, because today I am giving you access to my heart-to-heart conversation starters when facing conflict. These three simple prompts are going to help you to be able to start conversations more confidently with clarity in order to find common ground. Grab your copy today at danashe.com forward slash conversation starters. That's d-a-n-a-c-h-e dot com forward slash conversation starters. Now back to our show. Laugh together. Go somewhere. Do something different. Cook something. Watch something funny. Take a walk. Play a game. Do something where the goal isn't constant improvement. The goal is just simply enjoying one another. Because a relationship, well, it just cannot survive on analysis alone. So that's the first thing. Number two. Maybe you're trying to get resolution before you have regulation. Okay, what do I mean by this? Another reason that talking can make things worse is because you're trying to solve a problem while one or both of you are emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated. Maybe your heart is racing, you're angry, you're hurt, you're triggered. Your spouse might say one sentence and suddenly whoosh, right? You go from just not responding to what was said today, but to responding to all the things that have been happening over the last 15 years. And then we tell ourselves, we're going to stay right here until we figure this out. And that, my friend, usually does not work. Because when you're emotionally flooded, you're not listening to understand. What are you listening for? You're listening for threats. You're listening for blame. You're preparing your defense. You're gathering evidence. You're building your rebuttal. So instead of two spouses trying to understand each other, you end up with two attorneys actually arguing their case. And nobody feels heard. And somebody must be found guilty in a court of law, right? There's wisdom in knowing when a conversation needs to stop. Not permanently, but temporarily. Sometimes the most mature sentence you can say is, I want to have this conversation, but I don't think either of us is in a good place to do it well right now. Taking a break isn't necessarily avoidance. Sometimes it's stewardship. You're protecting your relationship from words that you won't ever be able to take back. As a matter of fact, in the Bible, in Proverbs 15.1, it says that a gentle answer turns away wrath. but a harsh word stirs up anger. Notice it doesn't say a perfect argument turns away wrath. It says a gentle answer. Sometimes your tone matters more than your talking points. Number three, you are listening to respond instead of listening to understand. You guys know I talk about this all the time, okay? One of the biggest problems that I see in struggling marriages is that both spouses desperately want to be understood, but neither spouse wants to go first. Hashtag pride. You say things like, you don't understand how much you hurt me. And your spouse says, well, you don't understand what I was going through. And then you come back with, well, that's not the point. And then they say what? See, you never listened to me. Hence the crazy cycle. What happens is that now you're competing over whose pain hurts worse, whose pain deserves the microphone, if you will. But here's something I want you to remember. Understanding your spouse does not mean always agreeing with your spouse. These are two different things. I often say that, what? Communication is not about agreeing, but about understanding. See, I can understand why something hurt you without agreeing with your interpretation of everything that happened. I can understand why you're afraid without believing your fear is completely accurate. I can understand your perspective without abandoning my own. And one of the most powerful questions that you can ask your spouse is, help me understand. Help me understand what this felt like for you. Not, why did you do that? Explain to me why you did that. Those sound similar, but they feel very different. One question is curiosity. The other question is a cross-examination. And your spouse usually can tell very quickly the difference. See, the truth is, is that curiosity, curiosity is is what creates connection. Number four, you're using conversation to force reassurance. Now this one is especially important when trust has been broken. Sometimes we want to keep revisiting the same subject because we're looking for a feeling that conversation cannot permanently give us. We want certainty. We're looking for reassurance. We want the anxiety to disappear. So we ask another question. And then another. And then another. And then for five minutes we feel better. But then another thought comes. Another fear. Another concern. Another memory. And then suddenly we need another what? Conversation. Now I'm not saying that questions aren't appropriate after betrayal. They absolutely are. However, truth and transparency is what you're after. And you're not going to get that when someone feels like they're being cross-examined. Accountability matters, but eventually you have to recognize the difference between seeking information and seeking emotional certainty. There's no conversation that your spouse can give you that will guarantee that you will never be hurt again. And at some point, rebuilding trust, it requires more than just words. Trust is built by consistent behavior over time, not more conversations over time. What you really need to see is, are their actions changing? Are they becoming a safer person? Are they becoming more honest? Are they keeping their commitments? Are they taking responsibility? Because trust is not rebuilt through one perfect, long conversation. Trust is rebuilt through patterns. Remember, consistency over time, okay? Number five, every conversation has become a performance review. Imagine going to work every day knowing that your manager or your boss was going to sit you down and discuss everything that you were doing wrong. Eventually, you're not going to want to go to work, right? You're not going to walk into the building excited. You're going to walk in guarded. You're going to walk in there frustrated. And some marriages feel just like that. One spouse becomes the relationship manager. They're constantly evaluating. We don't spend enough time together. We don't communicate enough. We're not having enough sex. We're having too much sex. You're not affectionate enough. You never initiate. You don't ask me about my day. You're always distracted. You're on your phone too much. And some of those complaints may be legitimate. You might be onto something. However, if criticism is the dominant atmosphere of your relationship, eventually your spouse is going to stop trying. Not because they don't care or because they don't love you, but because they feel like whatever they do, it's never going to be enough. Correction without appreciation, that breeds discouragement. So ask yourself this. When was the last time I told my spouse what they were doing right? Not to manipulate them and not as a compliment sandwich before criticism, even though I don't disagree with that all the time, but just genuine appreciation. Something like, I noticed that. Thank you. You know what? That meant a lot to me. I appreciate the way you handled that. I love that about you. Here's the truth. Healthy marriages, they don't ignore problems, but they don't make the problems the center of the marriage. They don't make the problems the only thing worth noticing either. Here's my sixth and final point. You're trying to solve an emotional problem with more words. Some things cannot be talked into healing. Sometimes your spouse doesn't need another explanation anymore. They need an experience. They need to experience consistency. They need to experience affection, safety. They need to experience you following through like you said you were gonna do. They need to experience you choosing them. They need to experience laughter again, peace in your home, presence. That's what they're looking for. That's probably what you're looking for. And that's why I want you to remember that that some marriage problems need a conversation, others need a new pattern, a new rhythm. If you've already talked about something 47 times, conversation 48 is probably not going to work. Maybe it's time for you to ask, what action can make this conversation unnecessary? If your spouse says that they don't feel prioritized, maybe another conversation about priorities isn't what they need. Maybe put your phone away. Maybe you initiate the date night. You show up. If your spouse says that they don't trust you, maybe another speech about why you're trustworthy and all the reasons isn't what they need. Maybe they need you to be consistently transparent. If your spouse is feeling lonely, maybe you don't need to explain why you've been busy and how they have other friends that they can lean on. Maybe you just sit with them. Sometimes love, it actually needs fewer words, and more evidence. So, am I saying not to talk? Of course not. When should you talk? That's the question. I don't want you leaving this episode thinking that healthy couples don't discuss hard things. They absolutely do. I've dedicated my work to this. But healthy conversations have some important characteristics. I want you to ask yourself, am I calm enough to have this conversation? Do I want connection or am I just trying to prove my points? Is now the best time for this conversation? Have we already discussed this repeatedly without changing anything? Am I asking my spouse to understand me while refusing to understand them? Is there an action that I need to take instead of just another conversation? These questions, they can change the game for you. I want you to think about the 80-20 marriage rule. So here's a practical challenge for you, and you can do this starting today, okay? I'm calling this the 80-20 marriage rule, and you've probably heard of something similar. But let's say that roughly 80% of your marriage interactions are just about life. They're about laughing. They're about parenting, dreaming, eating, flirting, running errands, paying bills, just enjoying and encouraging one another, doing normal stuff, normal life. That's 80%. Then reserve a small percentage, 20%, for those intentional conversations about problems and improvement, okay? Now, obviously, there's going to be seasons, especially if you're going through a really difficult time, if you're going through a crisis, if you're rebuilding after betrayal. These times, sometimes, heavier conversations need more space. But your marriage was never intended to just be one huge, long counseling session. You still need friendship. You still need enjoyment. You still need play. Do with that what you want. You still need moments that remind you, oh yeah, I really like this person sometimes. Because one of the greatest predictors of whether hard conversations go well is the emotional climate that is surrounding those conversations. When your friendship is strong, difficult conversations feel very different. So here's my final thought to you today. Maybe your marriage doesn't need more communication. Maybe it needs better communication and more connection. Maybe you don't need to talk about the relationship tonight. Maybe you need to go get ice cream. Maybe you need to go take a walk. Maybe you just need to sit on the couch together and laugh. Maybe you need to put those phones away. Maybe you need to remember something that you love about each other and then tell each other that. Ecclesiastes chapter three, there's a scripture that tells us that there is a time to speak and a time to be silent. Wisdom is knowing which moment you're in. So yes, please have the hard conversations. I have a free resource called Conversation Starters. You can find that in the description below. But I want you to tell the truth, address the wounds, set boundaries, ask the difficult questions, But don't forget to actually live your marriage while you're trying to fix your marriage. See, your spouse isn't just someone that you're trying to solve problems with. There's someone that you are meant to know, to enjoy, to love, to build or even rebuild with. Sometimes the breakthrough that you're looking for isn't at the end of another three-hour conversation. Sometimes it's waiting. in a completely ordinary moment of connection. And I know this is hard for us, you all, but you can do it. I'll tell you real quick that this is so personal to me because I'm a talker. I have a podcast. I'm a speaker, right? I love to talk. And I have had to learn in my life that it's not about another conversation. Sean doesn't like to talk a whole lot. So I have to learn how to discern, engage where he's at so that I'm not just talking, talking, talking and fixing, fixing, fixing. So if that's you and if this episode meant anything to you, I would love it if you would share it. Maybe share it with your spouse, but don't share it and then ask them to give you three bullet points of what they learned. Just share it and say, you know what? This really meant a lot to me and I think that it will really mean a lot to you too. Remember, no relationship evaluation, problem solving, no hidden agenda. Just take some time and enjoy each other again. And listen, if you're rebuilding after betrayal, I know it's hard. I know that you're trying to figure out your next step. And this is why I have free resources to help you along that journey. So whether you're watching this on YouTube, those links will be in the description below. If you're listening to this audio, you can simply go to danashay.com forward slash conversation starters and get that free resource that I was telling you about to help you to start some of these good conversations. 15 minutes is all you need, okay? And then of course, if you're rebuilding after infidelity, I would be honored to walk you through that process with my flagship program, Infidelity Intensive. You can find that at danashay.com forward slash infidelityintensive. Thanks so much for listening or watching. If you're watching this on YouTube, be sure to like this video, share it, subscribe to this channel. If you're listening to the podcast, be sure to follow this podcast. And of course, I would love to hear what you think about this podcast if you would give it a five-star review and rate it on Apple or Spotify. Thanks so much for listening. You can check out the show notes at danashay.com. I'll see you on the next video or the next audio. Take care.
