When Shame Changed Sides

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Black, and this is the podcast where I kind of just talk about whatever comes
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across my brain whenever it just happens to come across it.
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And there's a quote from Jerry Seinfeld that's been rattling around in my head
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ever since I first heard it back in 2024. We're embarrassed about things we
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should be proud of and proud of things we should be embarrassed about.
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Now, whether you agree with that statement or not, it raises an interesting question.
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What exactly is shameful? And think about that for a moment.
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Who decides what's embarrassing?
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Who decides what's acceptable?
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Who decides what we should be proud of and what we should keep hidden?
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Because if you look around, it's pretty clear that the answers to those questions
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have dramatically changed.
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There was a time when certain behaviors would earn you a disapproving look from
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your neighbors. Some actions could damage your reputation.
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And some things were considered inappropriate to discuss in public.
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Some subjects were simply off limits.
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Now today, many of those same things are not only accepted, they're now celebrated.
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They're broadcast to the world.
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They're turned into entertainment. They're shared, liked, reposted,
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and rewarded with attention.
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But before we start pointing any fingers at modern culture, let's consider something else here.
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Have we really gotten rid of shame? Or have we simply moved it?
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Because while some of yesterday's taboos have disappeared, new ones have emerged.
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There's still some things people are afraid to say. There's still some beliefs
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out there that people hesitate to admit they have.
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And there's still opinions that can bring criticism, ridicule,
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or social consequences.
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So maybe shame didn't vanish.
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Maybe it just changed sides. And that's what I want to look at and explore today.
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Not whether the past was any better, not whether every old standard was right,
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and not whether every modern change is wrong.
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I simply want to ask a question that doesn't seem to get asked very often anymore. What is shameful?
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And perhaps more importantly, who gets to make that decision.
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Before we can talk about what's shameful, we probably need to understand why
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shame even exists in the first place.
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Because let's be honest, nobody likes feeling ashamed. It's uncomfortable.
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It's awkward. Sometimes it's painful.
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Most of us can think of a moment from years ago that still makes us cringe when it pops into our heads.
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Maybe it's something that you said. Maybe it was something that you did.
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Maybe it was that haircut you were absolutely convinced looked amazing at the time.
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Whatever it was, that feeling sticks with you.
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But why? Why do human beings experience shame at all?
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If shame is an unpleasant emotion, why haven't we evolved beyond it?
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The answer may be that shame actually serves a purpose.
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Think about it. Every society that has ever existed has had standards.
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Every culture has had certain expectations about behavior.
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Some things were admired. Some things were discouraged. some things were rewarded
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some things brought disapproval,
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and and whether we like it or not shame has often been one of the ways that
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those standards were enforced,
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in a sense shame acts like a social alarm system it tells us that we've crossed
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a line or or at least what our community believes is a line,
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that doesn't mean shame is always right history gives us plenty of examples
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of people being shamed for things that shouldn't have been shameful at all.
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And that's important to remember. The goal isn't to defend every social norm that's ever existed.
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Some deserve to absolutely disappear. Some probably needed to disappear.
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But it's equally important to recognize that a society without any standards
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at all doesn't really exist.
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Every group of people has expectations. Every community has boundaries.
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Every culture has things it celebrates and things it condemns,
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which raises an interesting possibility.
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Maybe the question isn't whether we should have shame. Maybe the real question
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is what we choose to be ashamed of.
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Because once you start looking at it that way, something starts to become really obvious.
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The list has changed, and it has changed dramatically.
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The things that embarrassed people 50 years ago are often very different from
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the things that embarrass us today.
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So let's take a look at some of those changes that have taken place.
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If you've lived long enough, you've probably noticed that society has a way of changing its mind.
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Things that once seemed perfectly normal suddenly become unacceptable.
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And things that were once considered embarrassing, inappropriate,
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or off-limits somehow become ordinary.
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Now, before we go any further, let me make something very clear.
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This is not about nostalgia. It's not about pretending that the past was perfect.
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And it's definitely not about arguing that every social standard from 50 or
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60 years ago is somehow better than the ones we have today.
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It's simply an observation. The list has changed.
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Take privacy, for example. There was a time when family disputes stayed inside the family.
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Financial problems were private.
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Relationship troubles were private. Personal struggles were private.
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People generally didn't feel
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the need to share every detail of their lives with complete strangers.
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Today, many of those same things are openly discussed online for thousands and
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sometimes millions of people to see.
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And in some cases, the more personal the story is, the more attention that it receives.
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How about we consider self-promotion? There was a time when drawing too much
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attention to yourself was viewed as poor manners.
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People were expecting to let their accomplishments speak for themselves.
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Today, personal branding is practically a requirement. We're encouraged to build
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a following, to market ourselves, to promote ourselves, and to constantly remind
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people what we're doing, where we're going, and what we've accomplished.
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Again, I'm not saying that's necessarily good or bad.
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I'm simply pointing out that the standard has changed.
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The same thing can be said about public behavior. There was a time when public
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drunkenness carried a certain amount of social embarrassment.
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Profanity in public settings was generally less accepted than it is today.
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Certain forms of entertainment that were once considered too vulgar for mainstream
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audiences now barely raise an eyebrow.
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And perhaps the most obvious example of all is our relationship with attention.
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For most of human history, many people tried to avoid becoming the center of public scrutiny.
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Today, entire industries are built around attracting as much attention as possible.
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In fact, attention itself has become a kind of currency. The more attention
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you can generate, the more influence you often have.
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And that's what makes all of this so interesting.
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Because these changes didn't happen overnight.
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They weren't part of a meeting where society got together and everybody voted on a new set of rules.
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The standards simply shifted.
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It happened gradually.
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It happened quietly, and it happened almost without anyone noticing,
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until one day, things that once made people blush no longer seemed unusual at all.
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But that's only half the story, because while some things became less shameful,
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something else happened at the same time.
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There were also things that once earned admiration that now seemed to make people
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uncomfortable, And that's where this conversation really starts to get more interesting.
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You know, if the story ended with things becoming less shameful,
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then this would probably be a pretty simple conversation.
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But that's not what happened. Because while some behaviors became more acceptable,
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some values that were once widely admired seem to have lost their place as well.
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And that's where Jerry Seinfeld's quote starts to become really interesting.
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We're embarrassed about things we should be proud of and proud of things we
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should be embarrassed about.
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Whether you agree with that statement or not, it does raise a fair question.
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Are there things we used to admire that we don't admire quite as much anymore?
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Take humility. For generations, humility was generally viewed as a virtue.
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People were taught not to brag, not to make everything about themselves,
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not to seek attention for every accomplishment.
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Today, humility still gets praised in theory.
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But for being honest, our culture often rewards the exact opposite.
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The loudest voices tend to get the most attention. The most visible people tend
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to get the most influence.
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And self-promotion has become a normal part of everyday life.
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Or consider privacy. There was
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a time when keeping parts of your life to yourself was viewed as wisdom.
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Not everything needed to be shared. Not every thought needed to be published.
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Not every disagreement needed an audience.
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Today, choosing to remain private can sometimes seem unusual.
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Some might even say that it's suspicious.
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It's as though if you aren't constantly sharing your life, people wonder what
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it is that you're hiding.
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Then there's the idea of living an ordinary life.
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At one time, there was a certain dignity attached to simply being reliable.
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You know, working a job, taking care of your family, being a good neighbor,
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keeping your commitments, building a life that never makes headlines,
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but it still mattered to the people around you.
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Today, we often seem obsessed with standing out, with being noticed,
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being exceptional, being extraordinary. And there's nothing wrong with ambition.
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Sometimes it feels like we've forgotten that ordinary lives can still be meaningful lives.
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But there's also something to be said for self-restraint. For generations,
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discipline was considered a strength.
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The ability to control your impulses, to delay gratification,
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and to say no to yourself.
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Those qualities were often respected because they demonstrated maturity and character.
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Today, self-expression tends to receive far more attention than self-restraint.
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We're often encouraged to follow our feelings, to express our desires,
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and to share our opinions immediately and publicly.
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Again, this isn't about declaring one error right or wrong. It's about noticing
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a shift. The cultural spotlight seems to have moved.
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The qualities that once earned admiration don't always occupy the same space they once did.
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And that leads to a really fascinating question.
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If some of the old forms of shame disappeared, And some of the old virtues lost their status.
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What took their place?
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Because human beings haven't stopped judging. We haven't stopped rewarding certain
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behaviors. And we certainly haven't stopped shaming people.
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We've just found new reasons to do it.
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So by now, you may be thinking this episode is about the disappearance of shame.
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But I don't think that's what happened at all. In fact, I think the opposite
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may be true. I don't think shame disappeared.
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I think that it relocated. Because if there's one thing human beings have never
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been very good at, it's living without social standards.
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We want to belong.
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We want acceptance. We want approval from the people around us.
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And because of that, every society develops a way of rewarding certain behaviors
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while discouraging others.
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The details change, but the mechanism stays the same.
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Think about it. Most people today probably aren't worried about being criticized
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for the same things that their grandparents worried about.
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That doesn't mean they're free from social pressure. Man, they're far from it.
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The pressure's still there. It's just aimed at different targets.
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Today, many people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, not because they're
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concerned about being factually wrong, but because they're concerned about how others will react.
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A comment, a joke, an opinion, or even a question can bring criticism from people that you've never met.
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Sometimes even thousands of them.
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And unlike previous generations, that criticism doesn't happen in a small circle.
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It happens on a global stage.
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Social media didn't invent public shaming, but it certainly made it more efficient.
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What once might have been a conversation among a handful of people can now become
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a spectacle that's viewed by millions of them. And it doesn't stop there.
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There's often pressure to appear successful, to appear happy,
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to appear informed, socially aware, and pressure to keep up with the trends.
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You have pressure to project an image of having everything figured out,
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And in some ways we've created a world where people are constantly performing
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for one another Not because anyone forced us to but because we volunteered to,
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we carry cameras in our pockets We document our lives.
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We measure approval through likes shares comments follows and engagement And
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over time, it's easier to start to confuse attention with acceptance.
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It's easy to confuse popularity with truth. And it's easy to confuse visibility with value.
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What's interesting is that many of these pressures would have been completely
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unrecognizable just a generation or two ago.
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The technology changed. The expectations changed.
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But the underlying human behavior didn't. We still want approval.
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We still fear rejection. We still care what other people think.
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So in other words, shame didn't die. It adapted.
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It found new forms, new rules, new boundaries, new ways of telling people what
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is acceptable and what isn't.
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And that brings us back to the question at the heart of this entire episode.
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If shame is unavoidable, if every generation creates its own standards,
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then how do we determine whether we're ashamed of the right things?
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And perhaps just as importantly, how do we determine whether we're celebrating the right things?
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As we've worked through this conversation, one thing has become pretty clear.
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The question isn't whether shame exists, because it does.
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The question is where we aim it. Because every society has standards.
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Every generation has expectations.
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Every culture decides what deserves approval and what deserves criticism.
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The challenge is those standards don't stay fixed. They change.
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Sometimes they change for the better and sometimes they change for the worse.
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And often we don't notice that shift until years later.
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Think about examples that we've discussed today. Things that once carried social
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embarrassment are now often accepted, encouraged, or even celebrated.
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And at the same time, some qualities that were once admired seem to receive
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far less attention than they used to. Humility.
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Privacy. Self-restraint. Reliability. The dignity of an ordinary life.
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Whether that's progress or decline is something people will continue to debate
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for a really long time. That's not really the question I'm interested in.
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The question that I'm interested in is much simpler. Who decides?
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Who decides what should be celebrated? Who decides what should be criticized?
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Who decides what should make us proud? And who decides what should make us blush?
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Because if history teaches us anything, it's that public opinion is constantly changing.
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Ideas rise and fall. Trends come and go. Cultural norms shift.
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What seems obvious to one generation often seems strange to the next.
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Which means relying solely on popular opinion can be a risky way to determine what matters.
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After all, popularity and wisdom aren't always the same thing.
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Neither are attention and value. Neither are acceptance and truth.
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Maybe that's why Seinfeld's observation resonates with so many people.
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Not because everyone agrees with it, but because it forces us to stop and examine our assumptions.
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What is it that we're proud of?
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What are we ashamed of and why do we feel that way are those beliefs the result
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of careful thought or are they simply the attitudes we've absorbed from the
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culture that's around us.
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Those aren't easy questions. In fact, they're the kind of questions that most
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of us don't spend much time asking.
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But perhaps we should, because every one of us is influenced by the values of
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the time and place in which we live.
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The real challenge is deciding which of those values deserve to be embraced,
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and which deserve to be questioned.
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And that brings us back right where we started. Jerry Seinfeld said,
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we're embarrassed about things we should be proud of and proud of things we
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should be embarrassed about. Maybe he's right.
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Maybe he's wrong. Or maybe the truth depends entirely on what those things are.
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Either way, the quote succeeds in doing exactly what a good question should do.
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It makes us think, not about what everyone else should be ashamed of,
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but about ourselves, about the things we celebrate, the things we condemn,
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and whether we've taken the time to decide why.
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Because in the end, shame didn't disappear. It changed.
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The standards changed. The expectations changed. The targets changed.
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But the question remains the same.
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What is shameful?
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And perhaps more importantly, who gets to decide?
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As we wrap things up, thank you for spending part of your day with me here on Randy Unscripted.
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I'd love to hear what you think about today's conversation. If you have thoughts,
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questions, comments, or ideas for a future episode, head over to randyunscripted.com
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slash contact and send us a message.
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If you'd like to help support the show, head over to randyunscripted.com slash support.
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There you can do a payment through one of the various other payment methods
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there. You can also support Randy Unscripted directly through a modern podcast app.
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Find them at podcastapps.com and use features like streaming sats and boosts
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and boostograms to provide support to the show.
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Your support helps keep the show going, and I am extremely grateful for every
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listener who chooses to be a part of this community.
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I'm Randy Black, and this has been another episode of Randy Unscripted.