WEBVTT
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What's going on everybody?
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Welcome to Raising Arrows, the podcast for dads who are done pretending that they have it all figured out.
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Because let's be honest, guys, we don't.
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I'm Connor Sykes, and with me as always is my good friend, Pastor Scott Stewart.
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And together we're talking marriage, fatherhood, and faith without the highlight reel.
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There's no lecture, there's no perfect answers by any means.
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And we're just two dads in the thick of it, chasing after God and trying our best to raise good kids in a chaotic world.
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What we talk about is faith, fatherhood, and the beautiful chaos in between.
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So without further ado, let's get into it.
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Welcome back to another episode of Raising the Arrows.
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I'm Connor Sykes.
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With me as always is the beautiful voice of an angel, Pastor Scott Stewart.
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Today we're actually really excited to be talking about the things that we got wrong as dads, and there are many.
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So we hope that maybe you can learn something from this episode and learn the things that we did wrong.
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Totally.
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Which would be great.
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But yeah, we are going to anchor this kind of things that we got wrong as new dads with a verse like we we like to do always.
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The verse today is Proverbs 24, 16.
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Would you want to read it?
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Yeah.
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I'll read it.
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I'll read it.
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Proverbs 24, 16.
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I'll put the tabs in there.
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Thank you.
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Yeah.
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My OCD.
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I had so much fun doing that.
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No, I like it.
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I like it.
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But except the Exodus one came out.
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I've been reading that book as I told you earlier.
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So I haven't finished Exodus yet.
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Like well, because it's I can't find it.
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If you want a nice, fun Bible word joke, the fact that this tab is trying to exit your Bible makes it perfect for Exodus.
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Very good.
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Good dad joke.
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Thank you.
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Proverbs 24, 16.
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For the righteous fall seven times and rises again.
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But the wicked stumble in times of calamity.
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Great verse.
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That is a great verse.
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Really great verse.
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Saying that the things we get wrong as new dads, don't let it define you.
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Don't give up because you fall down.
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Because remember, as you like to say, fall down seven times.
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You always get up an eighth.
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Yep.
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Righteous will rise.
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The righteous will rise.
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Wasn't that the dark?
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No, the fire will rise.
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But it's funny you say that because it is one of my favorite.
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I'm such a Batman nerd.
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And it's one of my favorite Batman lines when Bruce's dad asks him, Bruce, why do we fall?
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And he says, so we can learn to stand up again.
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Yeah.
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And that's that whole motif.
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Now, thank God the Bible's actually true in a real story.
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You know what I mean?
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So there's some grounding in that.
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But it is a beautiful moment, right?
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Yeah, it's I fell so I could learn what it means to actually get out.
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Get back up.
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Big deal.
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Get back up.
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Big deal.
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But so if one question is of, and you might actually have this going on in your life.
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I don't know if you do, but if you had a friend of yours that came up and said, hey man, we're expecting our first baby, what would be like two, three things that you would tell him, like advice of going into this first year or this new chapter of his life?
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For sure.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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My first initial reaction is you just you don't know what you're doing.
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Yeah.
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And just be cool with it.
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You don't know what you're getting yourself into.
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Just be cool with it.
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I would say the same thing to people who are about to get married, too.
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You don't actually know what you're saying yes to.
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So just be okay with that.
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You know who you're saying yes to, praise God.
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But you, and when you're a new father, a new mother, you don't actually know who you're saying yes to because you don't know what your kid's gonna, who your kids are gonna turn out to be, right?
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But you are obviously saying, hey, I'm gonna have to surrender a lot more to just the flow of the process of life than I think I might need to.
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So that would be one thing.
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Obviously, easiest number two in the world would be whatever your wife needs.
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The answer is yes.
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You know what I mean?
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Especially while she's pregnant.
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Whatever she needs, yes, we'll figure it out.
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And I guess definitely while she's pregnant.
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Definitely while she's pregnant, yeah.
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And probably for pregnancy and really through into those early stages and days of fatherhood.
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First three months for sure.
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Just really try to be the first year from when try first first trimester through third, and then the first three months, about 12 months total.
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And I I know that it is like probably cliche advice too, but even on top of that, really do make an effort to focus on little moments.
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Yeah.
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Really, because to your point earlier, you don't get that time back and you know that, but you don't always act that out.
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A lot of things we know, but we don't live out well.
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And that's one of those things where I'm like, man, I wish that someone just reminded me more frequently.
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It's the little, hey, this is one of those moments you're gonna wanna, yeah, you're gonna wanna put this one away.
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You know what I mean?
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Because I can I have so many photos of my phone or on my phone of young Shiloh, right?
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And when I see those photos, they always spark a memory in my mind of where he was or what we were doing or what that looks like.
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And I'm so glad because a lot of memories that I don't have on my phone, I still haven't here.
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And that is invaluable, priceless things that I will carry to my grave.
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That is it for me.
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So how about you?
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I think the three things I would say are similar.
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It would be for sure to just as best you can just be a yes man.
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Like again, for that first year's yes, really that first year.
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It's nine months pregnancy, three months after.
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Just do the best you can to be a yes man and also be a good sport, like uh, because uh I dude, she's gonna have some crazy cravings and some crazy mood swings, and that's all expected.
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And so just roll with the punches, man.
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Just if this is your first time going through it, roll the punches, don't take anything too close like to heart, like any like comments said or things, whatever it may be, like there's a lot of things changing.
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So roll the punches, but don't be super sensitive with comments made.
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Yeah, because that stuff's easy.
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That's where all those little bitter roots come, and you're like, you actually need to just learn to rise above that.
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Yeah.
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It's been that season, too.
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It's like because truly, it if you haven't gone through it already, and this is your first, and she, your wife is all of a sudden she flips out because you have a you didn't put a coaster down, and now like a ring of from the glass on the thing, and it's like out of left field, just you are just an incompetent.
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Not speaking from experience, yeah, but yeah, not real, not a real example, it's hypothetical.
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But like when that it's like don't react, take a second and be like, okay, this is so out of character.
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This isn't obviously like there's a lot of other things going on.
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Just say, you know what?
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You're right, I'm sorry.
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Yeah, wipe it up, and then just be a good sport.
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Yep, just be a good sport, roll the punches.
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The next advice I would give is when you are at the hospital for delivery, fully be present in every single moment of that, because it is like there are so many things happening all at once, and it's very easy to just put your blinders on and be like autopilot, you know, with everything that's happening, but just be present because each time if you have one, two, three, four, five kids, however many, it's just you're never gonna have that back, and it's such an amazing experience, yeah, as a dad to actually one see your wife give birth, which is just it's an it's an amazing thing.
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Yep, it really is powerful.
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It is, yep.
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And uh see that happen, and then to also hold a brand new human being is wild.
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It's crazy.
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It's it really is.
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There's really no words, it's like you're like we made you, or you're like we made you, but like your mom did all the legs.
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A lot of forming from mom.
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Yeah, yeah.
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It's like I was there for like two minutes, yeah.
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Maybe, but it's like, man, like it's crazy.
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So just really soak it in when you're there.
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Yeah, don't be on your phone if you have work, put work aside.
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That's not important.
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That's important.
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Yeah.
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The last thing I would say is to die to self early on.
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It's good, really good.
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Really early on.
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Really good.
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Because learning from my experience, and I think you could probably relate too, it's if you are still putting yourself first, then your wife, then your kid, and you're not even you don't even have God in there at all.
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Like, first off, you need to put God first.
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You really need to have him at the head of your household.
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Then yourself doesn't even come in this list, you're not even a part of this.
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It's God, we've said earlier, wife, kids.
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Yeah, then you can focus on you a little bit.
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But really, if you anywhere, if you are like, no, it's God and me and my wife, it's like you need to course correct.
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Yeah.
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Because now with this new baby that is a gift from God in your life, you have to die the self and have him at the top so that everything else can flow right properly down to your kids.
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Yep.
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And also you at the same time.
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But it's just like any company, it's like every good company culture starts at the top.
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Yep.
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You have your C-suite, corporate executives.
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If you have great leadership, that flows all the way down to management, that flows all the way down through the backbone of the company or the organization to all the employees.
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If you have bad leadership at the top, that flows down and then the company goes to crap.
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Yep.
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Same's for your house, same is for your marriage, for your relationship with others.
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It's if you have God at the top, not yourself, everything will flow as it should be.
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That's those are my three.
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Yeah, it's good.
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It's really good.
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Just because I did not do any, like I wish I would have done all those.
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Yeah, yeah.
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I wish someone just would have gotten in front of me and just been more consistently reminding me it's just not about you.
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Yeah, not about you.
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It's it's hard.
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You're tired and you're whatever and all that, but it this moment is just not about you.
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Of course, it's hard.
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The point, though, right?
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How do you how do you take yourself out of that?
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It's like, dude.
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If it's not about you, but it's affecting you.
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How do you?
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How do you what would you say?
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Like, how can you take a step back and when you're in the heat of the moment?
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Have you ever had to do that?
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Absolutely.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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My brother-in-law asks me this all the time.
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He sees me as someone who's very self-controlled.
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He's like, dude, I would have said this or acted this way or responded like this.
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And I just remind him that I I genuinely try and live my life.
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And I am a lot more expressive than he realizes that I am.
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But I really try and live a lot of my life with the understanding that God will take care of me if I take care of this.
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Yeah.
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So if I am who he needs me to be in this moment, he will take care of me on the other side of this.
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But if I try and force my way or my outcome over here, he'll, hey, people who are left to themselves will make it about themselves.
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Yeah.
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So he'll let me do that for sure.
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I'll just grow increasingly frustrated over time the more often that I do that.
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But the more that I'm willing to just say, this moment, not about me.
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Yeah.
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This is about giving my life to somebody else.
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Right.
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For I did not come so I could be served.
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I came to serve.
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Yeah.
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That's why I am in this marriage relationship.
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And that's why I signed up for kids.
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Forget just your marriage.
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I love that you said it can't be God and then my wife and I.
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Otherwise, you'll always think we are here to be served.
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Yeah.
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So I will serve her, but if she's not serving me, something's wrong in the equation.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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Anybody with a brain would tell you that the best marriage is when the other person serves the other person better.
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You know what I mean?
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And yeah, I would say that if you are serving your spouse and your spouse isn't serving you, of course you're going to feel some type of way about that.
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But I still, maybe controversial, maybe not popular, but I still just don't see a world where that gives you justification to be anybody other than who God calls you to be.
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Yeah.
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I know that's so weird, but Charles Spurgeon, one of the most famous theologians of all time, either him or Leonard Ravenhill, I can't remember which one it was.
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I think it was Spurgeon, but their wife, it's very well documented.
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Their wife was very hatred, hateful toward them, toward Christianity, toward their views.
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They never divorced their wife, abandoned their wife, treated their wife poorly, like because that is how you honor God in a marriage where someone isn't following God.
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What do we do?
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We got married and they're Christian and suddenly they're not Christian, but I still am.
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How can I honor God by loving my wife?
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The same way I could honor God when I was signed up to get married the first time, you know?
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Our call doesn't change just because somebody else does.
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Yeah.
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Bible will always be the Bible.
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God's commands will always be God's commands.
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So no matter how I'm being treated, it's almost like even Jesus said if someone slaps you on the cheek, turn the other cheek.
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Get over it.
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That was the other thing that Josh brought up too.
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A question about that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Anyway, yeah, that was crazy.
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Yep.
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Jesus said that.
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But I just the things that we get wrong though, it's just don't.
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I don't know, man.
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I feel like we struggle with men.
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We struggle when we get something wrong.
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I feel like a lot of times we I feel like we want to be good at everything right from the get-go.
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Of course.
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And I'm I'm guilty of that.
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Oh, I leave things right away that I'm not good at.
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I'm like, forget this.
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Y'all can play.
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.399
Yeah, we were a child hit with the basketball, I'd be like, I'm done.
00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:17.039
Totally.
00:13:17.279 --> 00:13:18.799
Never even looking at a basketball again.
00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:19.279
Yep.
00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:29.360
But it's like, I just for the for if you're a dad out there and you are like, if you feel like you're doing it wrong, you're not.
00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:32.480
To your point earlier, it's like you don't know what you're doing, and you don't.
00:13:32.639 --> 00:13:33.440
You have no idea.
00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:40.240
So everything that you're doing, like if it's not the way that your wife does it, that doesn't mean that it's wrong.
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:42.799
It just means that it's you did it your way.
00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:46.960
If she has a preference, I'm not saying that you go against her and say, We're doing it this way.
00:13:47.039 --> 00:13:53.360
There's no just you two need to communicate to say, okay, you do it this way, I do it this way.
00:13:53.679 --> 00:13:55.600
Is it accomplishing the same thing?
00:13:55.840 --> 00:13:56.799
Is there any danger?
00:13:56.960 --> 00:14:01.279
Is there any is it adding any stress to our daily lives?
00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:03.120
Or is it just a different way to do it?
00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:03.600
Yep.
00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:05.120
Then you're not doing it wrong.
00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:07.200
You're just doing it the way that you know how to do it.
00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:08.480
That's totally fine.
00:14:08.799 --> 00:14:16.639
Now, if you're adding stress or you're adding more workload to her life, then maybe revisit that.
00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:21.279
That also know Haley and I did was I do like I fold clothes my way and she folds her shirt.
00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:30.159
She folds their clothes her way, and she has them organized in their like the the dress, like the cabinets or whatever, the dresser, by the way that she folds.
00:14:30.399 --> 00:14:34.480
I fold it just like it's folded, like arms and then here and done.
00:14:34.639 --> 00:14:35.039
Yep.
00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:43.200
That's not good enough because it doesn't fit in the slots that she and so I was like, no, like this is my I'm just gonna do it this way.
00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:48.399
And she's like, no, I do it this way so that I can do it, have it all night organized, and it is organized in there.
00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:53.200
And I had to realize, okay, so I need to now relearn how to do this.
00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:54.000
I wasn't doing it wrong.
00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:55.600
I thought I was okay, fine, I'm doing it wrong.
00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:56.879
I mess up, I'm never gonna do it.
00:14:56.960 --> 00:14:57.440
I'm not gonna help.
00:14:57.600 --> 00:14:59.840
If this is adding, I'm not, I'm just not gonna do it.
00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:03.840
It's so easy to give up when it's like, I'm doing it wrong, fine, done.
00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:09.759
It's like, no, I need to get out of my own head and be like, there's multiple ways to do this.
00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:16.639
My way isn't wrong, it's just not how we have our children set up in their rooms.
00:15:16.799 --> 00:15:17.039
Yep.
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:18.960
So I needed to realize that.
00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:20.799
And once I did, it was a lot better.
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:22.639
I still fold my clothes that way, though.
00:15:22.799 --> 00:15:23.039
Totally.
00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:23.360
Yeah.
00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:25.039
I'm not changing the way I fold my clothes.
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:29.919
And I think to put a bow on it, I think it's just coming to that realization that you're gonna get some stuff wrong.
00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:30.399
Yeah.
00:15:30.559 --> 00:15:31.360
It's just the truth.
00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:34.879
You're gonna, you're going to have moments where you're like, Don't beat yourself up.
00:15:34.960 --> 00:15:38.320
Yeah, could have done this differently, could have approached that better, all that stuff.
00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:39.919
It's exactly that though, right?
00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:41.279
Learn and move on.
00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:45.200
The only time a mistake is truly a mistake is when you choose to not improve.
00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:45.679
Yep.
00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:49.759
So that is the only time that I think you should actually get upset with yourself.
00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:51.200
I just talked a close friend of mine.
00:15:51.840 --> 00:15:54.480
This doing the same thing over and over again, totally expecting different results.
00:15:54.799 --> 00:15:54.960
Yep.
00:15:55.039 --> 00:16:00.799
I just talked to a good friend of mine through this the other day because he's just struggling with just some pattern-based decisions, right?
00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:05.600
And I was sitting with him and telling him that I see a lot of potential in him and all that stuff.
00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:10.000
But the only time that I am not gonna have grace for him is when I see pattern-based decisions.
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:10.240
Yeah.
00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:16.960
Because pattern-based decisions are not a I messed up, I shouldn't have done that, I'm not gonna do it again.
00:16:17.039 --> 00:16:20.480
Pattern-based decisions are I messed up, I shouldn't have done that, I did it again.
00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:22.720
Yeah, I'm doing it again, right?
00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:23.039
Yep.
00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:28.480
That's when I do think you have to be honest with yourself and say, I'm just making a series of bad decisions.
00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:29.759
Yeah, something has to change.
00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:30.240
Yep.
00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:35.440
But the flip side of that is don't assume that every bad decision leads to a series of bad decisions.
00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:36.000
Yeah.
00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:40.559
Approach it, talk about it, get it out in the open, improve from it, move on.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:42.559
Yeah, it's the only way you're gonna learn, right?
00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:43.120
That's great.
00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:43.679
Big deal.
00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:44.480
Really big deal.
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:44.960
Cool.
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:45.840
Do you have anything else?
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:47.120
Closing thoughts or anything?
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:48.559
No, I think that's it, right?
00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:54.159
Obviously, continue to submit to the Lord, continue to live and put your best foot forward.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:56.159
And yeah, I think you said it very well.
00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:59.039
When God is first, everything else will flow the way it's supposed to.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:16:59.440
Yeah.
00:16:59.519 --> 00:16:59.679
Yep.
00:16:59.919 --> 00:17:00.320
Awesome.
00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:08.000
Everybody, thanks for joining us for another episode of Raising Arrows, Connor Sykes, Pastor Scott Stewart again, and we hope to see you guys next time.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.679
What's going on everybody?
00:00:01.840 --> 00:00:07.679
Welcome to Raising Arrows, the podcast for dads who are done pretending that they have it all figured out.
00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:10.400
Because let's be honest, guys, we don't.
00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:15.519
I'm Connor Sykes, and with me as always is my good friend, Pastor Scott Stewart.
00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:20.399
And together we're talking marriage, fatherhood, and faith without the highlight reel.
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:24.399
There's no lecture, there's no perfect answers by any means.
00:00:24.640 --> 00:00:33.039
And we're just two dads in the thick of it, chasing after God and trying our best to raise good kids in a chaotic world.
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:37.759
What we talk about is faith, fatherhood, and the beautiful chaos in between.
00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:41.039
So without further ado, let's get into it.
00:00:41.359 --> 00:00:43.600
Welcome back to another episode of Raising the Arrows.
00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:44.799
I'm Connor Sykes.
00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:49.039
With me as always is the beautiful voice of an angel, Pastor Scott Stewart.
00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:55.359
Today we're actually really excited to be talking about the things that we got wrong as dads, and there are many.
00:00:55.439 --> 00:01:00.000
So we hope that maybe you can learn something from this episode and learn the things that we did wrong.
00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:00.479
Totally.
00:01:03.759 --> 00:01:04.799
Which would be great.
00:01:05.120 --> 00:01:11.120
But yeah, we are going to anchor this kind of things that we got wrong as new dads with a verse like we we like to do always.
00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:13.840
The verse today is Proverbs 24, 16.
00:01:14.079 --> 00:01:14.879
Would you want to read it?
00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:15.200
Yeah.
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:15.760
I'll read it.
00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:16.719
I'll read it.
00:01:17.040 --> 00:01:18.719
Proverbs 24, 16.
00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:20.079
I'll put the tabs in there.
00:01:20.239 --> 00:01:20.640
Thank you.
00:01:20.719 --> 00:01:20.959
Yeah.
00:01:21.200 --> 00:01:22.000
My OCD.
00:01:22.079 --> 00:01:22.959
I had so much fun doing that.
00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:23.760
No, I like it.
00:01:23.840 --> 00:01:24.159
I like it.
00:01:24.319 --> 00:01:26.319
But except the Exodus one came out.
00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:28.239
I've been reading that book as I told you earlier.
00:01:28.319 --> 00:01:29.680
So I haven't finished Exodus yet.
00:01:29.840 --> 00:01:31.920
Like well, because it's I can't find it.
00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:39.280
If you want a nice, fun Bible word joke, the fact that this tab is trying to exit your Bible makes it perfect for Exodus.
00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:39.760
Very good.
00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:40.959
Good dad joke.
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Thank you.
00:01:41.439 --> 00:01:43.040
Proverbs 24, 16.
00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:45.760
For the righteous fall seven times and rises again.
00:01:45.920 --> 00:01:48.799
But the wicked stumble in times of calamity.
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Great verse.
00:01:49.599 --> 00:01:50.239
That is a great verse.
00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:51.040
Really great verse.
00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:55.040
Saying that the things we get wrong as new dads, don't let it define you.
00:01:55.120 --> 00:01:56.560
Don't give up because you fall down.
00:01:56.719 --> 00:02:00.319
Because remember, as you like to say, fall down seven times.
00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:02.000
You always get up an eighth.
00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:02.239
Yep.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:03.280
Righteous will rise.
00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:04.799
The righteous will rise.
00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:06.079
Wasn't that the dark?
00:02:06.319 --> 00:02:07.120
No, the fire will rise.
00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:11.840
But it's funny you say that because it is one of my favorite.
00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:13.439
I'm such a Batman nerd.
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:18.479
And it's one of my favorite Batman lines when Bruce's dad asks him, Bruce, why do we fall?
00:02:18.560 --> 00:02:20.400
And he says, so we can learn to stand up again.
00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:20.639
Yeah.
00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:22.240
And that's that whole motif.
00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:24.960
Now, thank God the Bible's actually true in a real story.
00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:25.680
You know what I mean?
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:27.039
So there's some grounding in that.
00:02:27.199 --> 00:02:28.319
But it is a beautiful moment, right?
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:31.599
Yeah, it's I fell so I could learn what it means to actually get out.
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Get back up.
00:02:32.319 --> 00:02:32.639
Big deal.
00:02:32.719 --> 00:02:33.199
Get back up.
00:02:33.280 --> 00:02:33.680
Big deal.
00:02:33.759 --> 00:02:37.840
But so if one question is of, and you might actually have this going on in your life.
00:02:37.919 --> 00:02:52.960
I don't know if you do, but if you had a friend of yours that came up and said, hey man, we're expecting our first baby, what would be like two, three things that you would tell him, like advice of going into this first year or this new chapter of his life?
00:02:53.199 --> 00:02:53.840
For sure.
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Yeah.
00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:55.599
Yeah.
00:02:56.080 --> 00:02:59.520
My first initial reaction is you just you don't know what you're doing.
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Yeah.
00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:00.800
And just be cool with it.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:02.400
You don't know what you're getting yourself into.
00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:03.360
Just be cool with it.
00:03:03.520 --> 00:03:05.840
I would say the same thing to people who are about to get married, too.
00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:08.319
You don't actually know what you're saying yes to.
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:09.680
So just be okay with that.
00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:12.000
You know who you're saying yes to, praise God.
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But you, and when you're a new father, a new mother, you don't actually know who you're saying yes to because you don't know what your kid's gonna, who your kids are gonna turn out to be, right?
00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:28.560
But you are obviously saying, hey, I'm gonna have to surrender a lot more to just the flow of the process of life than I think I might need to.
00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:30.240
So that would be one thing.
00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:34.479
Obviously, easiest number two in the world would be whatever your wife needs.
00:03:34.639 --> 00:03:35.360
The answer is yes.
00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:36.000
You know what I mean?
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:36.960
Especially while she's pregnant.
00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:39.360
Whatever she needs, yes, we'll figure it out.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:41.120
And I guess definitely while she's pregnant.
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:42.560
Definitely while she's pregnant, yeah.
00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:49.120
And probably for pregnancy and really through into those early stages and days of fatherhood.
00:03:49.360 --> 00:03:50.719
First three months for sure.
00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:58.479
Just really try to be the first year from when try first first trimester through third, and then the first three months, about 12 months total.
00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:07.759
And I I know that it is like probably cliche advice too, but even on top of that, really do make an effort to focus on little moments.
00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:08.080
Yeah.
00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:14.080
Really, because to your point earlier, you don't get that time back and you know that, but you don't always act that out.
00:04:14.400 --> 00:04:16.800
A lot of things we know, but we don't live out well.
00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:22.480
And that's one of those things where I'm like, man, I wish that someone just reminded me more frequently.
00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:27.360
It's the little, hey, this is one of those moments you're gonna wanna, yeah, you're gonna wanna put this one away.
00:04:27.439 --> 00:04:28.240
You know what I mean?
00:04:28.560 --> 00:04:35.439
Because I can I have so many photos of my phone or on my phone of young Shiloh, right?
00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:42.800
And when I see those photos, they always spark a memory in my mind of where he was or what we were doing or what that looks like.
00:04:42.959 --> 00:04:48.639
And I'm so glad because a lot of memories that I don't have on my phone, I still haven't here.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:52.639
And that is invaluable, priceless things that I will carry to my grave.
00:04:52.800 --> 00:04:53.680
That is it for me.
00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:54.639
So how about you?
00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:59.120
I think the three things I would say are similar.
00:04:59.360 --> 00:05:06.160
It would be for sure to just as best you can just be a yes man.
00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:10.240
Like again, for that first year's yes, really that first year.
00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:13.199
It's nine months pregnancy, three months after.
00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:28.959
Just do the best you can to be a yes man and also be a good sport, like uh, because uh I dude, she's gonna have some crazy cravings and some crazy mood swings, and that's all expected.
00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:32.639
And so just roll with the punches, man.
00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:45.040
Just if this is your first time going through it, roll the punches, don't take anything too close like to heart, like any like comments said or things, whatever it may be, like there's a lot of things changing.
00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:48.480
So roll the punches, but don't be super sensitive with comments made.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:50.240
Yeah, because that stuff's easy.
00:05:50.319 --> 00:05:55.120
That's where all those little bitter roots come, and you're like, you actually need to just learn to rise above that.
00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:55.519
Yeah.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:56.959
It's been that season, too.
00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:16.240
It's like because truly, it if you haven't gone through it already, and this is your first, and she, your wife is all of a sudden she flips out because you have a you didn't put a coaster down, and now like a ring of from the glass on the thing, and it's like out of left field, just you are just an incompetent.
00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:21.120
Not speaking from experience, yeah, but yeah, not real, not a real example, it's hypothetical.
00:06:21.439 --> 00:06:29.279
But like when that it's like don't react, take a second and be like, okay, this is so out of character.
00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:32.000
This isn't obviously like there's a lot of other things going on.
00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:34.560
Just say, you know what?
00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:35.839
You're right, I'm sorry.
00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:38.240
Yeah, wipe it up, and then just be a good sport.
00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:40.160
Yep, just be a good sport, roll the punches.
00:06:40.480 --> 00:07:24.399
The next advice I would give is when you are at the hospital for delivery, fully be present in every single moment of that, because it is like there are so many things happening all at once, and it's very easy to just put your blinders on and be like autopilot, you know, with everything that's happening, but just be present because each time if you have one, two, three, four, five kids, however many, it's just you're never gonna have that back, and it's such an amazing experience, yeah, as a dad to actually one see your wife give birth, which is just it's an it's an amazing thing.
00:07:24.560 --> 00:07:25.920
Yep, it really is powerful.
00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:26.879
It is, yep.
00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:35.120
And uh see that happen, and then to also hold a brand new human being is wild.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:36.079
It's crazy.
00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:37.439
It's it really is.
00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:44.079
There's really no words, it's like you're like we made you, or you're like we made you, but like your mom did all the legs.
00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:45.120
A lot of forming from mom.
00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:45.839
Yeah, yeah.
00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:47.920
It's like I was there for like two minutes, yeah.
00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:51.759
Maybe, but it's like, man, like it's crazy.
00:07:51.839 --> 00:07:53.759
So just really soak it in when you're there.
00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:57.120
Yeah, don't be on your phone if you have work, put work aside.
00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:58.079
That's not important.
00:07:58.399 --> 00:07:59.199
That's important.
00:07:59.360 --> 00:07:59.680
Yeah.
00:07:59.839 --> 00:08:07.680
The last thing I would say is to die to self early on.
00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:08.959
It's good, really good.
00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:09.839
Really early on.
00:08:10.079 --> 00:08:10.560
Really good.
00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:26.879
Because learning from my experience, and I think you could probably relate too, it's if you are still putting yourself first, then your wife, then your kid, and you're not even you don't even have God in there at all.
00:08:27.040 --> 00:08:28.879
Like, first off, you need to put God first.
00:08:29.120 --> 00:08:31.360
You really need to have him at the head of your household.
00:08:31.759 --> 00:08:36.799
Then yourself doesn't even come in this list, you're not even a part of this.
00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:39.919
It's God, we've said earlier, wife, kids.
00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:42.159
Yeah, then you can focus on you a little bit.
00:08:42.320 --> 00:08:50.960
But really, if you anywhere, if you are like, no, it's God and me and my wife, it's like you need to course correct.
00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:51.279
Yeah.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:09:04.799
Because now with this new baby that is a gift from God in your life, you have to die the self and have him at the top so that everything else can flow right properly down to your kids.
00:09:04.960 --> 00:09:05.200
Yep.
00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:06.960
And also you at the same time.
00:09:07.200 --> 00:09:12.159
But it's just like any company, it's like every good company culture starts at the top.
00:09:12.320 --> 00:09:12.480
Yep.
00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:14.799
You have your C-suite, corporate executives.
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:23.360
If you have great leadership, that flows all the way down to management, that flows all the way down through the backbone of the company or the organization to all the employees.
00:09:23.519 --> 00:09:28.159
If you have bad leadership at the top, that flows down and then the company goes to crap.
00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:28.720
Yep.
00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:32.480
Same's for your house, same is for your marriage, for your relationship with others.
00:09:32.559 --> 00:09:38.240
It's if you have God at the top, not yourself, everything will flow as it should be.
00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:39.279
That's those are my three.
00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:39.919
Yeah, it's good.
00:09:40.080 --> 00:09:40.480
It's really good.
00:09:40.799 --> 00:09:43.600
Just because I did not do any, like I wish I would have done all those.
00:09:43.919 --> 00:09:44.240
Yeah, yeah.
00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:48.960
I wish someone just would have gotten in front of me and just been more consistently reminding me it's just not about you.
00:09:49.440 --> 00:09:50.559
Yeah, not about you.
00:09:50.720 --> 00:09:51.279
It's it's hard.
00:09:51.679 --> 00:09:56.000
You're tired and you're whatever and all that, but it this moment is just not about you.
00:09:56.480 --> 00:09:57.360
Of course, it's hard.
00:09:57.600 --> 00:09:58.399
The point, though, right?
00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:00.240
How do you how do you take yourself out of that?
00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:01.120
It's like, dude.
00:10:01.440 --> 00:10:03.440
If it's not about you, but it's affecting you.
00:10:03.600 --> 00:10:04.159
How do you?
00:10:04.320 --> 00:10:06.320
How do you what would you say?
00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:11.919
Like, how can you take a step back and when you're in the heat of the moment?
00:10:12.080 --> 00:10:13.360
Have you ever had to do that?
00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:13.919
Absolutely.
00:10:14.080 --> 00:10:14.240
Yeah.
00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:14.559
Yeah.
00:10:14.639 --> 00:10:16.000
My brother-in-law asks me this all the time.
00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:18.879
He sees me as someone who's very self-controlled.
00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:23.360
He's like, dude, I would have said this or acted this way or responded like this.
00:10:23.440 --> 00:10:28.399
And I just remind him that I I genuinely try and live my life.
00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:32.240
And I am a lot more expressive than he realizes that I am.
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:37.600
But I really try and live a lot of my life with the understanding that God will take care of me if I take care of this.
00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:38.080
Yeah.
00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:43.200
So if I am who he needs me to be in this moment, he will take care of me on the other side of this.
00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:48.960
But if I try and force my way or my outcome over here, he'll, hey, people who are left to themselves will make it about themselves.
00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:49.279
Yeah.
00:10:49.440 --> 00:10:51.279
So he'll let me do that for sure.
00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:55.679
I'll just grow increasingly frustrated over time the more often that I do that.
00:10:55.840 --> 00:10:59.919
But the more that I'm willing to just say, this moment, not about me.
00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:00.480
Yeah.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:03.360
This is about giving my life to somebody else.
00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:03.759
Right.
00:11:04.000 --> 00:11:06.080
For I did not come so I could be served.
00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:07.039
I came to serve.
00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:07.279
Yeah.
00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:09.519
That's why I am in this marriage relationship.
00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:11.039
And that's why I signed up for kids.
00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:12.480
Forget just your marriage.
00:11:12.639 --> 00:11:16.080
I love that you said it can't be God and then my wife and I.
00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:20.240
Otherwise, you'll always think we are here to be served.
00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:20.559
Yeah.
00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:24.399
So I will serve her, but if she's not serving me, something's wrong in the equation.
00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:24.799
Yeah.
00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:26.240
Yeah, absolutely.
00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:31.360
Anybody with a brain would tell you that the best marriage is when the other person serves the other person better.
00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:32.480
You know what I mean?
00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:39.440
And yeah, I would say that if you are serving your spouse and your spouse isn't serving you, of course you're going to feel some type of way about that.
00:11:39.679 --> 00:11:49.840
But I still, maybe controversial, maybe not popular, but I still just don't see a world where that gives you justification to be anybody other than who God calls you to be.
00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:50.159
Yeah.
00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:57.679
I know that's so weird, but Charles Spurgeon, one of the most famous theologians of all time, either him or Leonard Ravenhill, I can't remember which one it was.
00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:02.559
I think it was Spurgeon, but their wife, it's very well documented.
00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:09.840
Their wife was very hatred, hateful toward them, toward Christianity, toward their views.
00:12:10.080 --> 00:12:19.039
They never divorced their wife, abandoned their wife, treated their wife poorly, like because that is how you honor God in a marriage where someone isn't following God.
00:12:19.200 --> 00:12:20.080
What do we do?
00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:23.759
We got married and they're Christian and suddenly they're not Christian, but I still am.
00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:26.080
How can I honor God by loving my wife?
00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:30.320
The same way I could honor God when I was signed up to get married the first time, you know?
00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:33.120
Our call doesn't change just because somebody else does.
00:12:33.279 --> 00:12:33.919
Yeah.
00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:35.759
Bible will always be the Bible.
00:12:35.919 --> 00:12:38.159
God's commands will always be God's commands.
00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:43.679
So no matter how I'm being treated, it's almost like even Jesus said if someone slaps you on the cheek, turn the other cheek.
00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:44.559
Get over it.
00:12:45.039 --> 00:12:46.480
That was the other thing that Josh brought up too.
00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:47.679
A question about that.
00:12:47.759 --> 00:12:47.840
Yeah.
00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:48.080
Yeah.
00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:50.080
Yeah.
00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:51.679
Anyway, yeah, that was crazy.
00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:51.919
Yep.
00:12:52.159 --> 00:12:53.039
Jesus said that.
00:12:53.440 --> 00:12:58.399
But I just the things that we get wrong though, it's just don't.
00:12:58.799 --> 00:12:59.600
I don't know, man.
00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:01.120
I feel like we struggle with men.
00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:03.039
We struggle when we get something wrong.
00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:07.600
I feel like a lot of times we I feel like we want to be good at everything right from the get-go.
00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:08.159
Of course.
00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:09.440
And I'm I'm guilty of that.
00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:11.200
Oh, I leave things right away that I'm not good at.
00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:12.240
I'm like, forget this.
00:13:12.320 --> 00:13:12.960
Y'all can play.
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.399
Yeah, we were a child hit with the basketball, I'd be like, I'm done.
00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:17.039
Totally.
00:13:17.279 --> 00:13:18.799
Never even looking at a basketball again.
00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:19.279
Yep.
00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:29.360
But it's like, I just for the for if you're a dad out there and you are like, if you feel like you're doing it wrong, you're not.
00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:32.480
To your point earlier, it's like you don't know what you're doing, and you don't.
00:13:32.639 --> 00:13:33.440
You have no idea.
00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:40.240
So everything that you're doing, like if it's not the way that your wife does it, that doesn't mean that it's wrong.
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:42.799
It just means that it's you did it your way.
00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:46.960
If she has a preference, I'm not saying that you go against her and say, We're doing it this way.
00:13:47.039 --> 00:13:53.360
There's no just you two need to communicate to say, okay, you do it this way, I do it this way.
00:13:53.679 --> 00:13:55.600
Is it accomplishing the same thing?
00:13:55.840 --> 00:13:56.799
Is there any danger?
00:13:56.960 --> 00:14:01.279
Is there any is it adding any stress to our daily lives?
00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:03.120
Or is it just a different way to do it?
00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:03.600
Yep.
00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:05.120
Then you're not doing it wrong.
00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:07.200
You're just doing it the way that you know how to do it.
00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:08.480
That's totally fine.
00:14:08.799 --> 00:14:16.639
Now, if you're adding stress or you're adding more workload to her life, then maybe revisit that.
00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:21.279
That also know Haley and I did was I do like I fold clothes my way and she folds her shirt.
00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:30.159
She folds their clothes her way, and she has them organized in their like the the dress, like the cabinets or whatever, the dresser, by the way that she folds.
00:14:30.399 --> 00:14:34.480
I fold it just like it's folded, like arms and then here and done.
00:14:34.639 --> 00:14:35.039
Yep.
00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:43.200
That's not good enough because it doesn't fit in the slots that she and so I was like, no, like this is my I'm just gonna do it this way.
00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:48.399
And she's like, no, I do it this way so that I can do it, have it all night organized, and it is organized in there.
00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:53.200
And I had to realize, okay, so I need to now relearn how to do this.
00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:54.000
I wasn't doing it wrong.
00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:55.600
I thought I was okay, fine, I'm doing it wrong.
00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:56.879
I mess up, I'm never gonna do it.
00:14:56.960 --> 00:14:57.440
I'm not gonna help.
00:14:57.600 --> 00:14:59.840
If this is adding, I'm not, I'm just not gonna do it.
00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:03.840
It's so easy to give up when it's like, I'm doing it wrong, fine, done.
00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:09.759
It's like, no, I need to get out of my own head and be like, there's multiple ways to do this.
00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:16.639
My way isn't wrong, it's just not how we have our children set up in their rooms.
00:15:16.799 --> 00:15:17.039
Yep.
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:18.960
So I needed to realize that.
00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:20.799
And once I did, it was a lot better.
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:22.639
I still fold my clothes that way, though.
00:15:22.799 --> 00:15:23.039
Totally.
00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:23.360
Yeah.
00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:25.039
I'm not changing the way I fold my clothes.
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:29.919
And I think to put a bow on it, I think it's just coming to that realization that you're gonna get some stuff wrong.
00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:30.399
Yeah.
00:15:30.559 --> 00:15:31.360
It's just the truth.
00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:34.879
You're gonna, you're going to have moments where you're like, Don't beat yourself up.
00:15:34.960 --> 00:15:38.320
Yeah, could have done this differently, could have approached that better, all that stuff.
00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:39.919
It's exactly that though, right?
00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:41.279
Learn and move on.
00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:45.200
The only time a mistake is truly a mistake is when you choose to not improve.
00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:45.679
Yep.
00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:49.759
So that is the only time that I think you should actually get upset with yourself.
00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:51.200
I just talked a close friend of mine.
00:15:51.840 --> 00:15:54.480
This doing the same thing over and over again, totally expecting different results.
00:15:54.799 --> 00:15:54.960
Yep.
00:15:55.039 --> 00:16:00.799
I just talked to a good friend of mine through this the other day because he's just struggling with just some pattern-based decisions, right?
00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:05.600
And I was sitting with him and telling him that I see a lot of potential in him and all that stuff.
00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:10.000
But the only time that I am not gonna have grace for him is when I see pattern-based decisions.
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:10.240
Yeah.
00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:16.960
Because pattern-based decisions are not a I messed up, I shouldn't have done that, I'm not gonna do it again.
00:16:17.039 --> 00:16:20.480
Pattern-based decisions are I messed up, I shouldn't have done that, I did it again.
00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:22.720
Yeah, I'm doing it again, right?
00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:23.039
Yep.
00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:28.480
That's when I do think you have to be honest with yourself and say, I'm just making a series of bad decisions.
00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:29.759
Yeah, something has to change.
00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:30.240
Yep.
00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:35.440
But the flip side of that is don't assume that every bad decision leads to a series of bad decisions.
00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:36.000
Yeah.
00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:40.559
Approach it, talk about it, get it out in the open, improve from it, move on.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:42.559
Yeah, it's the only way you're gonna learn, right?
00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:43.120
That's great.
00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:43.679
Big deal.
00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:44.480
Really big deal.
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:44.960
Cool.
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:45.840
Do you have anything else?
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:47.120
Closing thoughts or anything?
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:48.559
No, I think that's it, right?
00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:54.159
Obviously, continue to submit to the Lord, continue to live and put your best foot forward.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:56.159
And yeah, I think you said it very well.
00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:59.039
When God is first, everything else will flow the way it's supposed to.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:16:59.440
Yeah.
00:16:59.519 --> 00:16:59.679
Yep.
00:16:59.919 --> 00:17:00.320
Awesome.
00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:08.000
Everybody, thanks for joining us for another episode of Raising Arrows, Connor Sykes, Pastor Scott Stewart again, and we hope to see you guys next time.
