WEBVTT
1
00:00:14.509 --> 00:00:19.210
Hi there, welcome back to Radioheadspace. It's Dora. Before we
2
00:00:19.230 --> 00:00:21.730
get into today's episode, I just want to offer a
3
00:00:21.789 --> 00:00:25.500
gentle heads up. We're going to be talking about loss, grief,
4
00:00:25.620 --> 00:00:28.899
and death today, which can be a difficult topic for
5
00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:34.429
many of us. So a little while back, I received
6
00:00:34.469 --> 00:00:37.789
some heartbreaking news about a family friend who had passed away.
7
00:00:38.789 --> 00:00:43.729
Young and unexpectedly. Without any warning, any time to prepare,
8
00:00:43.829 --> 00:00:47.829
and any chance to really brace yourself. One day they
9
00:00:47.869 --> 00:00:51.579
were here, and then they weren't. And I remember the
10
00:00:51.619 --> 00:00:54.920
morning after I had found out. I woke up and
11
00:00:54.939 --> 00:00:58.420
it was just an ordinary day. Light coming through the
12
00:00:58.460 --> 00:01:02.899
window the same way it always does. coffee tasting exactly
13
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:07.819
the same. The world completely unbothered by what had just happened.
14
00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:12.299
And I stood there thinking, how is everything just still going?
15
00:01:13.579 --> 00:01:16.430
Maybe that's the strange thing about loss that nobody really
16
00:01:16.510 --> 00:01:20.769
prepares you for. It's not just the grief, as consuming
17
00:01:20.849 --> 00:01:25.750
as it is. It's the disorienting experience of still being alive.
18
00:01:26.909 --> 00:01:31.890
Your body still breathing, ordinary Tuesdays still arriving, whether you're
19
00:01:31.930 --> 00:01:35.859
ready for them or not. And somewhere underneath all of
20
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:39.620
that is this complicated question of, what do I do
21
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:46.340
with the living I still have left to do? I've
22
00:01:46.359 --> 00:01:48.980
been sitting with this a lot lately, watching my mom
23
00:01:49.060 --> 00:01:52.680
navigate something similar. My mom is at a stage of
24
00:01:52.739 --> 00:01:57.469
her life where she's outliving people, friends she's had for decades,
25
00:01:57.829 --> 00:02:01.150
family members she grew up with, and what's been both
26
00:02:01.209 --> 00:02:04.890
humbling and tender for me is watching our roles shift
27
00:02:05.109 --> 00:02:08.990
as this has happened. There are moments now where I'm
28
00:02:09.030 --> 00:02:13.099
less the daughter and more the anchor, where she comes
29
00:02:13.139 --> 00:02:16.419
to me with her fear, her uncertainty, her grief, and
30
00:02:16.439 --> 00:02:18.139
I have to find a way to be steady for
31
00:02:18.199 --> 00:02:20.860
her in a way that she's always been steady for me.
32
00:02:22.219 --> 00:02:25.000
And I won't pretend it's always easy, but I am
33
00:02:25.099 --> 00:02:28.719
grateful for it. Grateful that she trusts me enough to
34
00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:32.360
bring me into those moments. Because what I know is
35
00:02:32.460 --> 00:02:35.599
that this thing that she's carrying is a complicated one.
36
00:02:36.750 --> 00:02:40.250
On one hand, there is grief. The kind that accumulates
37
00:02:40.330 --> 00:02:43.830
over time. That doesn't announce itself all at once, but
38
00:02:43.889 --> 00:02:46.400
settles into your bones in a way that changes how
39
00:02:46.409 --> 00:02:49.199
you move through the world. And then on the other hand,
40
00:02:49.240 --> 00:02:54.699
there's gratitude. This raw, almost uncomfortable gratitude for still being here.
41
00:02:55.430 --> 00:02:59.469
for still having her health, for still waking up. And
42
00:02:59.509 --> 00:03:02.189
I think those two things, the grief and the gratitude,
43
00:03:02.289 --> 00:03:04.509
live right next to each other in a way that
44
00:03:04.550 --> 00:03:12.599
can sometimes feel impossible to hold. One of the most
45
00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:16.759
meaningful things we've done together recently is talk about end-of-life wishes,
46
00:03:17.699 --> 00:03:20.000
how she wants to go, what she wants her life
47
00:03:20.039 --> 00:03:23.460
to look like in its final chapter, what matters most
48
00:03:23.520 --> 00:03:26.409
to her when it comes to that time And I
49
00:03:26.449 --> 00:03:29.289
know that might sound heavy, but I think these are
50
00:03:29.349 --> 00:03:32.530
conversations that a lot of us put off, telling ourselves
51
00:03:32.569 --> 00:03:35.629
that there will be time for that later. But having
52
00:03:35.659 --> 00:03:40.280
these conversations now, proactively, while we're both present and clear-headed
53
00:03:40.289 --> 00:03:43.539
and able to really hear each other, has been one
54
00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:46.639
of the most honest and loving things we've ever done together.
55
00:03:46.659 --> 00:03:49.840
In a way, I think those conversations have made me
56
00:03:49.979 --> 00:03:52.939
feel more at peace with the idea that one day,
57
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:56.879
my mom won't be here. Not less sad about it,
58
00:03:56.949 --> 00:04:00.689
but more at peace. Like we've already said some of
59
00:04:00.729 --> 00:04:04.430
what needed to be said. Like nothing important is being
60
00:04:04.509 --> 00:04:09.030
left unspoken. And I do think my practice is what
61
00:04:09.069 --> 00:04:11.620
makes it possible for me to show up for her
62
00:04:11.659 --> 00:04:15.919
in those moments without falling apart. Without letting my own
63
00:04:16.019 --> 00:04:21.060
fear take over. Mindfulness has never been about not feeling
64
00:04:21.139 --> 00:04:24.129
things for me. It's about being able to feel them.
65
00:04:24.519 --> 00:04:27.920
without being swept away by them. To be with what
66
00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:31.000
is hard without having to fix it or rush past it.
67
00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.350
And that's what I try to bring to those conversations
68
00:04:34.370 --> 00:04:42.649
with my mom. Not answers, just presence. When we lose people,
69
00:04:42.970 --> 00:04:46.689
when we're confronted with the fragility of life in that sudden,
70
00:04:46.850 --> 00:04:51.699
undeniable way, there's a responsibility that comes with still being here.
71
00:04:52.680 --> 00:04:57.610
Not a burden, but a responsibility. To live. To actually
72
00:04:57.670 --> 00:05:01.709
and genuinely live. To not sleepwalk through the days that
73
00:05:01.750 --> 00:05:05.430
we've been given. And to let the loss remind us,
74
00:05:05.550 --> 00:05:08.579
as painful as it is, how precious this life is.
75
00:05:09.420 --> 00:05:12.579
All of it. The ordinary Tuesday. The phone call you
76
00:05:12.620 --> 00:05:15.600
keep putting off. The thing that you've been meaning to
77
00:05:15.660 --> 00:05:19.990
do for years. We may not always have the capacity
78
00:05:20.050 --> 00:05:23.300
to feel that in the thick of grief. Because grief
79
00:05:23.379 --> 00:05:27.139
is heavy and it asks a lot of us. And
80
00:05:27.259 --> 00:05:30.860
sometimes just getting through the day is enough. But at
81
00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:34.060
some point when the weight begins to lift, even a little,
82
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:36.939
I think we owe it to the people we've lost
83
00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.680
and to ourselves to let their absence remind us to
84
00:05:40.779 --> 00:05:45.870
be more present. In order to move forward, we must live.
85
00:05:47.620 --> 00:05:49.930
So today I want you to think about someone you've lost.
86
00:05:50.860 --> 00:05:53.579
Someone whose absence has changed the shape of your life.
87
00:05:54.800 --> 00:05:58.379
And then ask yourself, what would it mean to honor them?
88
00:05:59.279 --> 00:06:03.480
Not just in memory, but in how you live. What
89
00:06:03.500 --> 00:06:06.439
would change about today if you let their life remind
90
00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:11.079
you of the preciousness of yours? You don't have to
91
00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:14.240
have all the right answers now, but just let the
92
00:06:14.279 --> 00:06:17.439
question be there for a while and notice what arises.
93
00:06:19.699 --> 00:06:22.899
I'll leave it here for today. Take care, friends.
1
00:00:14.509 --> 00:00:19.210
Hi there, welcome back to Radioheadspace. It's Dora. Before we
2
00:00:19.230 --> 00:00:21.730
get into today's episode, I just want to offer a
3
00:00:21.789 --> 00:00:25.500
gentle heads up. We're going to be talking about loss, grief,
4
00:00:25.620 --> 00:00:28.899
and death today, which can be a difficult topic for
5
00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:34.429
many of us. So a little while back, I received
6
00:00:34.469 --> 00:00:37.789
some heartbreaking news about a family friend who had passed away.
7
00:00:38.789 --> 00:00:43.729
Young and unexpectedly. Without any warning, any time to prepare,
8
00:00:43.829 --> 00:00:47.829
and any chance to really brace yourself. One day they
9
00:00:47.869 --> 00:00:51.579
were here, and then they weren't. And I remember the
10
00:00:51.619 --> 00:00:54.920
morning after I had found out. I woke up and
11
00:00:54.939 --> 00:00:58.420
it was just an ordinary day. Light coming through the
12
00:00:58.460 --> 00:01:02.899
window the same way it always does. coffee tasting exactly
13
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:07.819
the same. The world completely unbothered by what had just happened.
14
00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:12.299
And I stood there thinking, how is everything just still going?
15
00:01:13.579 --> 00:01:16.430
Maybe that's the strange thing about loss that nobody really
16
00:01:16.510 --> 00:01:20.769
prepares you for. It's not just the grief, as consuming
17
00:01:20.849 --> 00:01:25.750
as it is. It's the disorienting experience of still being alive.
18
00:01:26.909 --> 00:01:31.890
Your body still breathing, ordinary Tuesdays still arriving, whether you're
19
00:01:31.930 --> 00:01:35.859
ready for them or not. And somewhere underneath all of
20
00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:39.620
that is this complicated question of, what do I do
21
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:46.340
with the living I still have left to do? I've
22
00:01:46.359 --> 00:01:48.980
been sitting with this a lot lately, watching my mom
23
00:01:49.060 --> 00:01:52.680
navigate something similar. My mom is at a stage of
24
00:01:52.739 --> 00:01:57.469
her life where she's outliving people, friends she's had for decades,
25
00:01:57.829 --> 00:02:01.150
family members she grew up with, and what's been both
26
00:02:01.209 --> 00:02:04.890
humbling and tender for me is watching our roles shift
27
00:02:05.109 --> 00:02:08.990
as this has happened. There are moments now where I'm
28
00:02:09.030 --> 00:02:13.099
less the daughter and more the anchor, where she comes
29
00:02:13.139 --> 00:02:16.419
to me with her fear, her uncertainty, her grief, and
30
00:02:16.439 --> 00:02:18.139
I have to find a way to be steady for
31
00:02:18.199 --> 00:02:20.860
her in a way that she's always been steady for me.
32
00:02:22.219 --> 00:02:25.000
And I won't pretend it's always easy, but I am
33
00:02:25.099 --> 00:02:28.719
grateful for it. Grateful that she trusts me enough to
34
00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:32.360
bring me into those moments. Because what I know is
35
00:02:32.460 --> 00:02:35.599
that this thing that she's carrying is a complicated one.
36
00:02:36.750 --> 00:02:40.250
On one hand, there is grief. The kind that accumulates
37
00:02:40.330 --> 00:02:43.830
over time. That doesn't announce itself all at once, but
38
00:02:43.889 --> 00:02:46.400
settles into your bones in a way that changes how
39
00:02:46.409 --> 00:02:49.199
you move through the world. And then on the other hand,
40
00:02:49.240 --> 00:02:54.699
there's gratitude. This raw, almost uncomfortable gratitude for still being here.
41
00:02:55.430 --> 00:02:59.469
for still having her health, for still waking up. And
42
00:02:59.509 --> 00:03:02.189
I think those two things, the grief and the gratitude,
43
00:03:02.289 --> 00:03:04.509
live right next to each other in a way that
44
00:03:04.550 --> 00:03:12.599
can sometimes feel impossible to hold. One of the most
45
00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:16.759
meaningful things we've done together recently is talk about end-of-life wishes,
46
00:03:17.699 --> 00:03:20.000
how she wants to go, what she wants her life
47
00:03:20.039 --> 00:03:23.460
to look like in its final chapter, what matters most
48
00:03:23.520 --> 00:03:26.409
to her when it comes to that time And I
49
00:03:26.449 --> 00:03:29.289
know that might sound heavy, but I think these are
50
00:03:29.349 --> 00:03:32.530
conversations that a lot of us put off, telling ourselves
51
00:03:32.569 --> 00:03:35.629
that there will be time for that later. But having
52
00:03:35.659 --> 00:03:40.280
these conversations now, proactively, while we're both present and clear-headed
53
00:03:40.289 --> 00:03:43.539
and able to really hear each other, has been one
54
00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:46.639
of the most honest and loving things we've ever done together.
55
00:03:46.659 --> 00:03:49.840
In a way, I think those conversations have made me
56
00:03:49.979 --> 00:03:52.939
feel more at peace with the idea that one day,
57
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:56.879
my mom won't be here. Not less sad about it,
58
00:03:56.949 --> 00:04:00.689
but more at peace. Like we've already said some of
59
00:04:00.729 --> 00:04:04.430
what needed to be said. Like nothing important is being
60
00:04:04.509 --> 00:04:09.030
left unspoken. And I do think my practice is what
61
00:04:09.069 --> 00:04:11.620
makes it possible for me to show up for her
62
00:04:11.659 --> 00:04:15.919
in those moments without falling apart. Without letting my own
63
00:04:16.019 --> 00:04:21.060
fear take over. Mindfulness has never been about not feeling
64
00:04:21.139 --> 00:04:24.129
things for me. It's about being able to feel them.
65
00:04:24.519 --> 00:04:27.920
without being swept away by them. To be with what
66
00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:31.000
is hard without having to fix it or rush past it.
67
00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.350
And that's what I try to bring to those conversations
68
00:04:34.370 --> 00:04:42.649
with my mom. Not answers, just presence. When we lose people,
69
00:04:42.970 --> 00:04:46.689
when we're confronted with the fragility of life in that sudden,
70
00:04:46.850 --> 00:04:51.699
undeniable way, there's a responsibility that comes with still being here.
71
00:04:52.680 --> 00:04:57.610
Not a burden, but a responsibility. To live. To actually
72
00:04:57.670 --> 00:05:01.709
and genuinely live. To not sleepwalk through the days that
73
00:05:01.750 --> 00:05:05.430
we've been given. And to let the loss remind us,
74
00:05:05.550 --> 00:05:08.579
as painful as it is, how precious this life is.
75
00:05:09.420 --> 00:05:12.579
All of it. The ordinary Tuesday. The phone call you
76
00:05:12.620 --> 00:05:15.600
keep putting off. The thing that you've been meaning to
77
00:05:15.660 --> 00:05:19.990
do for years. We may not always have the capacity
78
00:05:20.050 --> 00:05:23.300
to feel that in the thick of grief. Because grief
79
00:05:23.379 --> 00:05:27.139
is heavy and it asks a lot of us. And
80
00:05:27.259 --> 00:05:30.860
sometimes just getting through the day is enough. But at
81
00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:34.060
some point when the weight begins to lift, even a little,
82
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:36.939
I think we owe it to the people we've lost
83
00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.680
and to ourselves to let their absence remind us to
84
00:05:40.779 --> 00:05:45.870
be more present. In order to move forward, we must live.
85
00:05:47.620 --> 00:05:49.930
So today I want you to think about someone you've lost.
86
00:05:50.860 --> 00:05:53.579
Someone whose absence has changed the shape of your life.
87
00:05:54.800 --> 00:05:58.379
And then ask yourself, what would it mean to honor them?
88
00:05:59.279 --> 00:06:03.480
Not just in memory, but in how you live. What
89
00:06:03.500 --> 00:06:06.439
would change about today if you let their life remind
90
00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:11.079
you of the preciousness of yours? You don't have to
91
00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:14.240
have all the right answers now, but just let the
92
00:06:14.279 --> 00:06:17.439
question be there for a while and notice what arises.
93
00:06:19.699 --> 00:06:22.899
I'll leave it here for today. Take care, friends.
