WEBVTT
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Have you ever had somebody make you feel like they really wanted you in their life?
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Only to realize later they didn't necessarily value you.
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And there's a difference, a big one, because somebody can want your attention, your company, your body, your advice, or want your connection, or just want what you do for them.
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They can even want a relationship with you.
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But wanting access to you and actually valuing the person you are are not the same thing.
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And I think sometimes we get those two confused because being wanted feels good.
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Let's be real.
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It feels good when somebody calls, when somebody says, I miss you, or when somebody wants to see you, or when somebody tells you how attractive you are, or when somebody says, I need you.
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That attention can make us feel important.
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But here's the question: What happens when you're no longer convenient?
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What happens when you have a need?
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Or what happens when you say no?
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Or what happens when life gets difficult?
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You're not the fun, easy version of yourself?
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Do they still show up?
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Because being wanted can make you feel special for a moment.
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But being valued shows up in how somebody treats you over time.
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And today that's what we're going to talk about.
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Welcome back to Quiet Power with Sunshine.
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I'm Sunshine.
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And if this is your first time here, welcome.
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I'm really glad you found us.
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This is where we have honest conversations about life, healing, relationships, businesses, confidence, purpose, and becoming the best version of ourselves.
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Not loudly, not perfectly, but intentionally.
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Last episode, we talked about they liked you better when you had no boundaries.
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And we had a conversation about what happens when you stop overextending yourself, when you stop automatically saying yes, and when you stop being the only person keeping your relationship alive.
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And when you realize that some people weren't necessarily upset because you changed, they were upset because the access to you changed.
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But while I was thinking about that conversation, another question came to me.
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What happens when somebody clearly wants you in their life, but the way they treat you doesn't make you feel valued?
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Because those are two things that can look very similar in the beginning, but are very different.
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So today we're going to talk about it.
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We're going to talk about the difference between being wanted and being valued.
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Let's get into it.
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted.
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We're human.
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If you're dating somebody and they say, I've been thinking about you all day, you're probably smiling.
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Don't act like you're not.
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You're looking at the phone like, okay.
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It feels good.
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And it doesn't only happen romantically.
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Maybe your job constantly calls you because you're the person who gets things done.
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That can make you feel valuable.
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Maybe your family always comes to you for advice.
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Or maybe your friend comes to you for advice as well.
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Or maybe people constantly ask for your help with their businesses.
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All of that can feel like wow, people really value me.
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But hold on.
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They may, or they may simply value what you provide.
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And that's where we have to slow down enough to see the difference.
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Think about.
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Think about dating.
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Somebody can text you every morning, call you beautiful, want to see you constantly and tell you how much they miss you.
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The chemistry can be amazing, you can talk for hours, and all of that can be genuine.
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But none of those things by themselves tell you how much somebody values you.
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Because value starts becoming visible when something is required of them.
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Their time, consistency, consideration, compromise, honesty, or accountability?
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It's easy to want somebody when everything feels good.
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But what happens when there's a misunderstanding?
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Can they communicate?
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What happens when you're uncomfortable with something?
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Can they listen without immediately becoming defensive?
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What happens when you when your needs don't perfectly fit their schedule?
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Do your needs matter too?
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That's where you start learning something.
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Because attention can be intense and still be temporary.
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Chemistry can be strong and still not be compatible.
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And somebody wanting you badly doesn't automatically mean they know how to care for you well.
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That's a lesson.
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And I wish more of us understood this earlier.
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Because sometimes we stay in situations much longer than we should because we keep saying, but I know they want me.
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Okay.
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But how do they treat you?
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That's the question.
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You know what I've learned?
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Real value isn't always dramatic.
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Sometimes it's actually pretty quiet.
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It's somebody remembering something you told them two weeks ago.
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It's somebody knowing you've had a long day and saying, Don't worry about it, I got it.
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It's a friend who doesn't only call when their world is falling apart.
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She may call and say, Girl, enough about me.
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How are you doing?
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It's somebody respecting your time.
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It's somebody being happy when something good happens for you.
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And it's somebody being able to apologize without turning the apology into an argument.
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You know those apologies.
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I'm sorry you felt that way, but you know.
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No, we're not doing that.
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Valuing somebody means their experience matters to you even when you don't completely agree with it.
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And that applies everywhere.
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Think about work.
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There's a difference between a workplace that constantly says we need you, and a workplace that actually recognizes your contribution.
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One wants your labor, and the other one recognizes your value.
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And those are different experiences.
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Same thing with family.
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Sometimes being the strong one becomes your identity.
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Everybody comes to you.
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Everybody needs something.
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Everybody assumes.
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Oh, she'll figure it out.
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But who asks whether you need help?
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Who notices when you're tired?
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Or who says, You've been carrying a lot.
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What can I take off your plate?
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That's value.
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And here's something important.
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Value doesn't mean somebody's perfect.
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A person who values you can still disappoint you.
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They can forget something, they can make a mistake, and they can have a bad day.
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We're not creating some impossible standard where anybody who gets something wrong doesn't value us.
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That's not healthy.
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The difference is in the pattern.
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When they hurt you, do they care?
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When something isn't working, do they make an effort?
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When you communicate something's important, does anything change?
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Because words matter, but eventually patterns have to support the words.
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Somebody can tell you you mean everything to me.
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Beautiful.
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But if their behavior constantly makes you feel like an option, eventually you have to stop arguing with the behavior.
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And that's not bitterness, that's information.
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Now here's the part where I want us to turn the mirror around.
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Because it's easy to talk about what everybody else isn't doing.
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But sometimes we teach people that our value has to be earned through performance.
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We forgive, we overfunction, we become overly accommodating.
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We try to prove look how supportive I am, or look how understanding I am, or look how much I can do, or look how little I require.
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And somewhere underneath all of that may be this quiet belief that if I'm valuable enough to them, they'll choose me.
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You should not have to audition for a healthy place in somebody's life.
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And that doesn't mean relationships require no effort.
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Of course they do.
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Friendships require effort, marriages require effort, and families require effort.
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And even business relationships require effort.
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But there's a difference between putting effort into a relationship and constantly trying to prove why you deserve one.
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And sometimes this shows up in dating in the smallest ways.
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Maybe somebody starts pulling away.
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So you start doing more.
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You text more, become more available, you start thinking, maybe if I'm sweeter, or maybe if I'm more understanding, or maybe if I don't bring this up, or how about maybe if I don't ask for too much?
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And before you know it, you're shrinking your needs, trying to keep somebody's interest.
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But listen to me, someone's interest should not require your disappearance.
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The same thing can happen with friendships.
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Always remembering the birthdays or always showing up.
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And instead of asking, what else can I do?
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No.
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Sometimes the answer isn't do more.
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Sometimes the answer is step back and observe.
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Not as a punishment, not as a test, not to manipulate somebody into chasing you.
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Simply stop doing all the work long enough to see what the relationship actually looks like without you caring.
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That's powerful.
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Because when you stop auditioning, you can finally observe.
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And observation will tell you things effort sometimes hides.
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Okay.
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You guys know what time it is.
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It's time for today's quiet power truth.
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Today's truth is being wanted is about someone's desire to have you, but being valued is revealed by how they handled having you.
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Anybody can want access.
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Value requires care, consideration, respect, consistency.
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You don't have to be useful every minute to deserve love.
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You don't have to constantly perform to deserve friendships.
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And you don't have to prove your worth to someone who genuinely recognizes it.
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That's today's Quiet Power Truth.
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All right.
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It's time for this week's Quiet Power Challenge.
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And this week we're gonna call it the value check.
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Okay.
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So I want you to choose one relationship in your life.
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It can be romantic, a friendship, family, even professional.
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And don't ask, do they want me around?
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Ask what makes me feel valued in this relationship.
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Then look for evidence.
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Do they respect your time?
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Do they check on you?
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Can you communicate honestly?
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Can you say no without being punished?
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Or can you have a need without feeling like a burden?
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And then turn the question around.
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Do I make this person feel valued too?
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Because quiet power isn't just about what everybody owes us.
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We have responsibilities and relationships too.
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Maybe there's somebody you love who you could who could use a phone call.
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Or maybe you've been too busy and haven't checked in.
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Or maybe somebody consistently supports you and you haven't told them how much you appreciate it.
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Tell them.
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Value shouldn't only be something we demand, it should be something we give.
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And that's your quiet power challenge.
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Before we close, here's today's quiet power reflection.
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I want you to sit with this question.
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If I stop doing everything I do for people, who would still value me simply because I'm me?
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Not because you fix things, not because you have connections, or not because you're always available, or not because you're the strong one, or not because you're attractive, or not because you're successful, or not because of what you can provide.
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Just you.
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Enjoy the compliment, enjoy the attention, enjoy being missed and enjoy being desired.
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We're not pretending we don't like any of that.
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But don't confuse attention with intention, don't confuse chemistry with care.
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And don't confuse somebody wanting access to you with somebody understanding the value of having you in their life.
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Give people time to show you.
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Don't rush to label everything.
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Don't assume the worst, but don't ignore patterns either.
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Watch how people handle your heart, your time, your boundaries, your dreams, your vulnerability, your success, and even your no.
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Because over time, those things will tell you much more than I want you.
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And while you're paying attention to how other people value, make sure you're valuing them too.
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That's how we build healthier relationships, not perfectly, but intentionally.
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And most importantly, make sure you're valuing yourself.
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Because once you understand your own value, you stop working so hard to convince everybody else of it.
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And next time on Quiet Power with Sunshine, I want to talk to you about something that usually happens when you finally stop forcing relationships.
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That moment where you realize I don't have to chase what generally wants to stay connected to me.
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We're going to talk about effort and knowing when to stop carrying a connection by yourself.
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Because there's a difference between fighting for a relationship and fighting to convince somebody to have one with you.
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And we're gonna talk about that.
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Until next time, I'm Sunshine, and thank you for spending these few minutes with me.
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Keep loving, keep growing, and keep paying attention to patterns.
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And remember, presence over noise always.
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Have you ever had somebody make you feel like they really wanted you in their life?
00:00:10.240 --> 00:00:15.599
Only to realize later they didn't necessarily value you.
00:00:17.199 --> 00:00:35.039
And there's a difference, a big one, because somebody can want your attention, your company, your body, your advice, or want your connection, or just want what you do for them.
00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:39.039
They can even want a relationship with you.
00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:47.439
But wanting access to you and actually valuing the person you are are not the same thing.
00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:54.000
And I think sometimes we get those two confused because being wanted feels good.
00:00:54.240 --> 00:00:55.439
Let's be real.
00:00:55.840 --> 00:01:07.359
It feels good when somebody calls, when somebody says, I miss you, or when somebody wants to see you, or when somebody tells you how attractive you are, or when somebody says, I need you.
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That attention can make us feel important.
00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:19.040
But here's the question: What happens when you're no longer convenient?
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What happens when you have a need?
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Or what happens when you say no?
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Or what happens when life gets difficult?
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You're not the fun, easy version of yourself?
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Do they still show up?
00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:40.959
Because being wanted can make you feel special for a moment.
00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:48.400
But being valued shows up in how somebody treats you over time.
00:01:49.599 --> 00:01:52.400
And today that's what we're going to talk about.
00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:58.000
Welcome back to Quiet Power with Sunshine.
00:01:58.319 --> 00:01:59.760
I'm Sunshine.
00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:03.120
And if this is your first time here, welcome.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:05.519
I'm really glad you found us.
00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:18.400
This is where we have honest conversations about life, healing, relationships, businesses, confidence, purpose, and becoming the best version of ourselves.
00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:22.639
Not loudly, not perfectly, but intentionally.
00:02:24.080 --> 00:02:30.400
Last episode, we talked about they liked you better when you had no boundaries.
00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:42.960
And we had a conversation about what happens when you stop overextending yourself, when you stop automatically saying yes, and when you stop being the only person keeping your relationship alive.
00:02:43.280 --> 00:02:52.319
And when you realize that some people weren't necessarily upset because you changed, they were upset because the access to you changed.
00:02:55.759 --> 00:03:01.439
But while I was thinking about that conversation, another question came to me.
00:03:03.439 --> 00:03:16.400
What happens when somebody clearly wants you in their life, but the way they treat you doesn't make you feel valued?
00:03:17.439 --> 00:03:27.039
Because those are two things that can look very similar in the beginning, but are very different.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:30.800
So today we're going to talk about it.
00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:37.919
We're going to talk about the difference between being wanted and being valued.
00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:40.800
Let's get into it.
00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:47.120
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted.
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:48.479
We're human.
00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:57.039
If you're dating somebody and they say, I've been thinking about you all day, you're probably smiling.
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Don't act like you're not.
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You're looking at the phone like, okay.
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It feels good.
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And it doesn't only happen romantically.
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Maybe your job constantly calls you because you're the person who gets things done.
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That can make you feel valuable.
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Maybe your family always comes to you for advice.
00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:36.800
Or maybe your friend comes to you for advice as well.
00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:43.199
Or maybe people constantly ask for your help with their businesses.
00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:50.639
All of that can feel like wow, people really value me.
00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:52.160
But hold on.
00:04:53.120 --> 00:05:00.240
They may, or they may simply value what you provide.
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And that's where we have to slow down enough to see the difference.
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Think about.
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Think about dating.
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Somebody can text you every morning, call you beautiful, want to see you constantly and tell you how much they miss you.
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The chemistry can be amazing, you can talk for hours, and all of that can be genuine.
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But none of those things by themselves tell you how much somebody values you.
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Because value starts becoming visible when something is required of them.
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Their time, consistency, consideration, compromise, honesty, or accountability?
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It's easy to want somebody when everything feels good.
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But what happens when there's a misunderstanding?
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Can they communicate?
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What happens when you're uncomfortable with something?
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Can they listen without immediately becoming defensive?
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What happens when you when your needs don't perfectly fit their schedule?
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Do your needs matter too?
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That's where you start learning something.
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Because attention can be intense and still be temporary.
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Chemistry can be strong and still not be compatible.
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And somebody wanting you badly doesn't automatically mean they know how to care for you well.
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That's a lesson.
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And I wish more of us understood this earlier.
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Because sometimes we stay in situations much longer than we should because we keep saying, but I know they want me.
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Okay.
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But how do they treat you?
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That's the question.
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You know what I've learned?
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Real value isn't always dramatic.
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Sometimes it's actually pretty quiet.
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It's somebody remembering something you told them two weeks ago.
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It's somebody knowing you've had a long day and saying, Don't worry about it, I got it.
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It's a friend who doesn't only call when their world is falling apart.
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She may call and say, Girl, enough about me.
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How are you doing?
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It's somebody respecting your time.
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It's somebody being happy when something good happens for you.
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And it's somebody being able to apologize without turning the apology into an argument.
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You know those apologies.
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I'm sorry you felt that way, but you know.
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No, we're not doing that.
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Valuing somebody means their experience matters to you even when you don't completely agree with it.
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And that applies everywhere.
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Think about work.
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There's a difference between a workplace that constantly says we need you, and a workplace that actually recognizes your contribution.
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One wants your labor, and the other one recognizes your value.
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And those are different experiences.
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Same thing with family.
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Sometimes being the strong one becomes your identity.
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Everybody comes to you.
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Everybody needs something.
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Everybody assumes.
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Oh, she'll figure it out.
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But who asks whether you need help?
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Who notices when you're tired?
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Or who says, You've been carrying a lot.
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What can I take off your plate?
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That's value.
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And here's something important.
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Value doesn't mean somebody's perfect.
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A person who values you can still disappoint you.
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They can forget something, they can make a mistake, and they can have a bad day.
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We're not creating some impossible standard where anybody who gets something wrong doesn't value us.
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That's not healthy.
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The difference is in the pattern.
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When they hurt you, do they care?
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When something isn't working, do they make an effort?
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When you communicate something's important, does anything change?
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Because words matter, but eventually patterns have to support the words.
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Somebody can tell you you mean everything to me.
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Beautiful.
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But if their behavior constantly makes you feel like an option, eventually you have to stop arguing with the behavior.
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And that's not bitterness, that's information.
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Now here's the part where I want us to turn the mirror around.
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Because it's easy to talk about what everybody else isn't doing.
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But sometimes we teach people that our value has to be earned through performance.
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We forgive, we overfunction, we become overly accommodating.
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We try to prove look how supportive I am, or look how understanding I am, or look how much I can do, or look how little I require.
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And somewhere underneath all of that may be this quiet belief that if I'm valuable enough to them, they'll choose me.
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You should not have to audition for a healthy place in somebody's life.
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And that doesn't mean relationships require no effort.
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Of course they do.
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Friendships require effort, marriages require effort, and families require effort.
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And even business relationships require effort.
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But there's a difference between putting effort into a relationship and constantly trying to prove why you deserve one.
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And sometimes this shows up in dating in the smallest ways.
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Maybe somebody starts pulling away.
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So you start doing more.
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You text more, become more available, you start thinking, maybe if I'm sweeter, or maybe if I'm more understanding, or maybe if I don't bring this up, or how about maybe if I don't ask for too much?
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And before you know it, you're shrinking your needs, trying to keep somebody's interest.
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But listen to me, someone's interest should not require your disappearance.
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The same thing can happen with friendships.
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Always remembering the birthdays or always showing up.
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And instead of asking, what else can I do?
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No.
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Sometimes the answer isn't do more.
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Sometimes the answer is step back and observe.
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Not as a punishment, not as a test, not to manipulate somebody into chasing you.
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Simply stop doing all the work long enough to see what the relationship actually looks like without you caring.
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That's powerful.
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Because when you stop auditioning, you can finally observe.
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And observation will tell you things effort sometimes hides.
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Okay.
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You guys know what time it is.
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It's time for today's quiet power truth.
00:14:00.399 --> 00:14:12.720
Today's truth is being wanted is about someone's desire to have you, but being valued is revealed by how they handled having you.
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Anybody can want access.
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Value requires care, consideration, respect, consistency.
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You don't have to be useful every minute to deserve love.
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You don't have to constantly perform to deserve friendships.
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And you don't have to prove your worth to someone who genuinely recognizes it.
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That's today's Quiet Power Truth.
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All right.
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:52.159
It's time for this week's Quiet Power Challenge.
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And this week we're gonna call it the value check.
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Okay.
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So I want you to choose one relationship in your life.
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It can be romantic, a friendship, family, even professional.
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And don't ask, do they want me around?
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Ask what makes me feel valued in this relationship.
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Then look for evidence.
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Do they respect your time?
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Do they check on you?
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Can you communicate honestly?
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Can you say no without being punished?
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Or can you have a need without feeling like a burden?
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And then turn the question around.
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Do I make this person feel valued too?
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Because quiet power isn't just about what everybody owes us.
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We have responsibilities and relationships too.
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Maybe there's somebody you love who you could who could use a phone call.
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Or maybe you've been too busy and haven't checked in.
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Or maybe somebody consistently supports you and you haven't told them how much you appreciate it.
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Tell them.
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Value shouldn't only be something we demand, it should be something we give.
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And that's your quiet power challenge.
00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:43.759
Before we close, here's today's quiet power reflection.
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I want you to sit with this question.
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If I stop doing everything I do for people, who would still value me simply because I'm me?
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Not because you fix things, not because you have connections, or not because you're always available, or not because you're the strong one, or not because you're attractive, or not because you're successful, or not because of what you can provide.
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Just you.
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Enjoy the compliment, enjoy the attention, enjoy being missed and enjoy being desired.
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We're not pretending we don't like any of that.
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But don't confuse attention with intention, don't confuse chemistry with care.
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And don't confuse somebody wanting access to you with somebody understanding the value of having you in their life.
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Give people time to show you.
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Don't rush to label everything.
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Don't assume the worst, but don't ignore patterns either.
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Watch how people handle your heart, your time, your boundaries, your dreams, your vulnerability, your success, and even your no.
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Because over time, those things will tell you much more than I want you.
00:18:54.319 --> 00:19:02.319
And while you're paying attention to how other people value, make sure you're valuing them too.
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That's how we build healthier relationships, not perfectly, but intentionally.
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And most importantly, make sure you're valuing yourself.
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Because once you understand your own value, you stop working so hard to convince everybody else of it.
00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:38.559
And next time on Quiet Power with Sunshine, I want to talk to you about something that usually happens when you finally stop forcing relationships.
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That moment where you realize I don't have to chase what generally wants to stay connected to me.
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We're going to talk about effort and knowing when to stop carrying a connection by yourself.
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Because there's a difference between fighting for a relationship and fighting to convince somebody to have one with you.
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And we're gonna talk about that.
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Until next time, I'm Sunshine, and thank you for spending these few minutes with me.
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Keep loving, keep growing, and keep paying attention to patterns.
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And remember, presence over noise always.
