Loving, Leaving & Letting Go: The Hardest Queer Lesson

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I think differently than you and I bet I can prove it.
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No, I'm just kidding, I don't prove things anymore, but I will get to that.
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I will explain.
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If you're curious, stick around.
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And hey, if you're skeptical, stay longer.
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We should chat, I bet we'll vibe.
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I always set the table for safety and if you are here, I want to get to know you too.
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Welcome to Queerly Attached, where holding space isn't a meme, it's a must.
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Well, you heard him.
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You're listening to Queerly Attached and I'm Kylie.
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You know, I've said my name and recorded it probably 75,000 times for this podcast and somehow I still never know how to say it.
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I don't know why, but I am Kylie and sometimes I call myself Griff and listen.
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This intro has kept me stumped for months.
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I think I understand now why they tell authors never start with the title.
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Queerly Attached is about healing the trauma to make start with the title.
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Maybe I never know how to say my name because I've had so many different names, nicknames like Kai, kai, kylie, koala, kyles, gosh.
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There was even a whole phase when I was about 10 years old where I wanted to be called Kyle.
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See, because my name is spelled K-Y-L-E-I-G-H and everyone always says gosh, that's a pretty name and I always say thanks, I didn't have much to do with it.
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Go now to QuirrellyAttachednet.
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Scroll all the way to the bottom.
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I've got a free quiz for you.
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It's an attachment quiz.
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It's just meant to be fun.
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It's 13 questions.
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Get subscribed to my email list because you see what they're doing with apps out here and just to go ahead and fit this in here.
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I was recently diagnosed with ADHD.
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Just know that there is a final destination, but this, this is queerly attached.
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We talk a lot about coming out the closet and not enough about the beginning.
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I was born a lesbian.
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I was raised Mormon Two things that I was told can't coexist.
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And yet here I stand, likely outside in mud, smoking a bowl, talking to you about my ridiculous, messy tale of self-abandonment in and out of a closet, in and out of the Mormon church and boom, just like that, look how much you already know about me.
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And I haven't even trauma dumped.
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I mean, honestly, that's the kind of communication I want to share with you.
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I want to talk about how to connect, how to relate, how to do those things securely attached.
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We spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out how to read between the lines of that haha, I'm fine text.
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Did she put the emoji?
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Did she not Like oh, what's happening?
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You know, we're even trying to interpret the exact meaning of I'm so happy for you when that ex from 10 years ago hits you up because they heard you're engaged.
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I want to teach you how to recognize and spend that energy on that deep, unspoken grief that happens during a we-should-still-be-friends breakup.
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Right, how to ask the real questions, the kind that make people feel seen, heard, witnessed, understood, and if you hear those words, I bet your soul is saying that's what I want.
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I have said those words in relationship after relationship, and it took me far too long to realize nobody was going to offer me that because I wasn't offering me that, I wasn't even giving myself that.
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I found myself single for the first time in over 16 years Last year.
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So I spent the year dating myself, being interested in myself, actually healing what was going on, what was driving it?
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Why did it all look so the same?
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Why am I the common denominator in all of these?
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Right, like I finally got curious enough.
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I finally got curious enough to go within and see what are all these parts inside of me, what's going on in here?
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Why is it so unpleasant upstairs?
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I feel like I shouldn't be constantly running for myself.
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Right, that all started hitting.
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I'm sitting here in front of this mic all because I read a book.
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I hope that my words hit someone to make a change, because that's all I'm inviting you to do to get curious.
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With just this one question, would it really be so bad if it was you that had to change?
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So I've gone within.
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I've spent the last year intentionally practicing secure attachment, and it has absolutely shifted my entire life.
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I cannot wait to tell you how these small, simple shifts have created my future damn mass.
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So that people could actually meet you, would you try?
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Or would you stay safe in the insecure strategies that keep us so safe from rejection and abandonment and yet so far from our own needs and boundaries and desires and goals?
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I know I've been there.
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This is why I started Queerly Attached.
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This is not just a podcast.
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It started out in my head as one started Queerly Attached.
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This is not just a podcast, it started out in my head as one.
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So it's funny that I'm here now, a year later, and the podcast is sort of the last thing coming.
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But gosh, it's the first of many episodes where we get to talk about this type of movement.
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Yes, I'm going to come on this podcast and talk more about me, but I want this to be a movement for my community.
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This is how I'm showing up.
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I'm out here running sold-out workshops in Kansas City.
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I'm going to pride events, community engagements.
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I'll speak on this to anyone who will listen and I won't lie.
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It's been a slow start here locally and it's been disheartening at times.
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I talk about community and I've experienced pain in that exact same space.
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Actually, when I think about the word community.
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My entire life has been shaped around that word.
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I was either in Mormon community or in queer community, and I've been rejected and accepted and rejected by both.
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It's pain.
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So look, here's the deal.
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We're not just talking about the easy shit, y'all.
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I want to talk about the real stuff, the hard stuff, the painful stuff.
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So that's your warning.
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But here's my disclosure.
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This is not going to be a drag.
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I have a collaborative nature.
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I've got decades of experience in mental health.
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I'm a retired recreation therapist.
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I have a playful spirit.
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The spinal cord injury that I'm going to share with you about put me on disability.
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Yes, this is my business.
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This is my gift.
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Talking about this, connecting with people, is what we're about here.
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I hope that you are someone who will follow, who will engage, who will be down to support my journey.
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And yeah, I've had one.
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I had a spinal cord injury 10 years ago, april 2014.
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It changed my life.
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It literally changed my sleep.
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I woke up from a nap screaming in the worst pain that I've ever experienced in my life and I couldn't move my entire right side, from my hip down.
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I couldn't feel, it couldn't move, and it changed my life and it changed the way I live.
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Till one year ago, I've got a whole story about being lesbian, being Mormon, but here's the thing I'm just as multifaceted as you.
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So even if you think you know me, stick around.
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I bet we've got more in common than you think.
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This podcast it's where I'm going to share more of me and it's a space where I hope that you'll share more of you.
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I want to talk to you, I want to talk to you as a guest.
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I want to talk to you on your podcast.
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We should be talking, we should be, and honestly, it sucks that the only way to do that is through these apps that can be taken and banned and snuffed out.
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And so I mean come on, join my mailing list.
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Guys.
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You got to go to the website queerlyattachednet, scroll to the bottom.
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I've got that free attachment quiz waiting.
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If you're an ex-Mormon listener, if you're here for the Mormon tea, trust me, I got you.
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As I mentioned, I'm going to be doing an ex-Mormon edition several episodes sacred, not secret stories from my Mormon closet, and we're going to go deep into that closet, because that's the majority of where my attachment trauma started.
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It's probably where yours did too.
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It's called queer attachment trauma, and we are the only ones that experience it, because it is only our existence out here being questioned.
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It's unique to us, which means, no matter what experiences you've had, what trauma, what connections, how many relationships, you and I have this one thing in common we have deep attachment, wounds to our core, around our identity, our worthiness, our existence and what we deserve.
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These wounds need healing and if they're coming up, they want to be healed.
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They're ready.
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I mentioned my closet.
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You know, while I was in the closet, I actually ended up getting married to a man and I grew a whole ass child inside of me.
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I did that thing because I did the other thing Right.
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We tried the trying that, that part, you know, and hey, we might talk about that, we might, I don't know, we'll see how it goes.
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My favorite part about talking to people is watching their masks drop.
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I love engaging at this open, honest, real level.
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This is the work I'm doing in my own life.
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I live this shit.
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I brought it into my life, into my son's life.
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He's 11 years old.
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He's likely going to do a couple interviews with me on here.
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We've come up with a little segment it's called Gentle, with Levi and Kai I have been repairing with my son for two years for the consequences of the U-hauling that I did while in a very inner teenager space, and this is the work I'm doing in my coaching and I'm watching it change queer lives like at a rapid, effective, impactful, empowering rate.
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We're going to be discussing things like people pleasing stonewalling rate.
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We're going to be discussing things like people pleasing stonewalling, ghosting over, explaining, proving all of these strategies that we use in order to maintain connection and avoid the risk of abandonment and rejection.
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These strategies are insecure attachment strategies that our subconscious has come up with as ways to keep us safe.
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How do we feel these things that come up?
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How do we determine what to do with it?
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How do we feel these things that come up?
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How do we determine what to do with it?
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How do we figure out what our needs are?
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If we have boundaries, what are they for?
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Are we setting them?
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Are we upholding them?
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By actually addressing my attachment wounds, I have found that I have a greater sense of self-worth.
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I still have stress, but I handle it differently, and my body is responding better to the way that I am living with it.
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Healing begins with pain.
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I still have stress, but I handle it differently and my body is responding better to the way that I am living with it.
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Healing begins with pain.
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I've had five back surgeries.
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I have a pain pump implanted directly into my spinal cord.
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That's helping me with pain every single day.
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I have a spinal cord stimulator implanted on the other side that tricks the pain path from my right leg to my brain.
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Both of those things are not necessarily in my control.
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But there's something else that I added this year to help control my pain that I never would have imagined would have such an effect.
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I learned how to emotionally regulate and that has changed my pain Period.
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I would have knocked myself out years ago.
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If I had said that Would never have believed it.
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What I know is that not only do we have a purpose in being here, but we also have a purpose in sharing what we've learned and discovered Queer attachment trauma.
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If you've not heard of it, that's okay.
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It doesn't get a lot of airtime because attachment theory itself is pretty heteronormative.
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There's a pain to being queer that is often talked about, and we celebrate the way that many of us come through the closet.
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We are a people that are resilient, but I believe that there was a lot of harm and trauma done while we were hiding.
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We weren't able to develop our identities the same way that our hetero counterparts had, and so when we do discover who we are and we accept that, it gets a little confusing when we start moving into that queer culture, queer space.
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I want to talk about refocusing, reframing, finding a way to rebuild when it looks like everything has just fractured and broken around you.
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This happens to us time after time after time, so that means it's a pattern, that means it's a cycle, that means we're practicing something daily to keep that thing going.
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I'm going to bring people on this podcast to talk about moments that they've had that have completely shifted the path in front of them, and if you think about this in your own story, I bet that you'll find it's been the same for you.
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Let's talk about breakups.
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If there's one thing queer people know how to do, it's fall hard, and if there's one thing we know how to do less, it's breakup cleanly.
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We talk a lot about closure and how we need it.
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You know exactly what I'm talking about, because queer breakups don't just end.
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There's this post-breakup processing period like a long lingering.
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Okay, now what are we?
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If you're sapphic, there's a high chance that your ex is still using your Netflix.
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So today we're talking about how to end a queer relationship without ghosting, guilt or games, because secure attachment isn't just about how we love, it's about how we let go.
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If you're out here looking for connection, then please understand you're also looking for conflict.
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We do not think the same.
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None of us do.
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And yet we want to share this thing called life with other people.
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Other people think the way they think, based on the experiences and the nurture and the nature that they came with down to the stars, who have designed them to be here, to live a very unique way, and the unique way is just to live with our consciousness on the main stage.
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Have you noticed that whatever you allow your conscious to be aware of is what you focus on?
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So let's get real.
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Queer relationships have their own special flavor.
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On the post-breakup chaos, there are reasons.
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We have jokes about it.
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Whether it's dating, breaking up, falling asleep on the phone, u-hauls, whatever it is, we know how to do it.
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So here's some queer breakup traps for you to avoid the platonic processing spiral.
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I was the master of this one.
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I even had a name for that part.
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I called her the grand processor.
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I wanted to have this like pompous name for it, because that part of me really did believe we could talk through anything.
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And hell, no, we're not going to bed before we're going to get this sorted right.
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I was anxious, preoccupied, it's true, right?
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So instead of breaking up, you end up spending, you know, six plus hours talking about your childhood wounds, your triggers, how you both still deeply care about each other.
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But now it's 2 am and you're both still crying and in fact you're more emotionally entangled than when you started.
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And well, hey, lesbian's gonna lesbian.
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It just it happens the platonic processing is not the processing and the way that you want to be spending your time.
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We just said six plus hours.
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I've gone weeks on that spiral.
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Now I understand that the processing that needs to be taking place at this critical juncture where we're deciding to split roads, split lives, processing to be done is with ourselves.
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Here's another trap.
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It's called the U-Haul backpedal.
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All right, you swore it was over and then you run into them at some queer event and, goddamn, they look good and dang it.
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You swore it was going to be over and all of a sudden you're bonding over the fact that you have so much shared trauma.
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Still, that can get derailed quickly when your dating history overlaps like the terrible queer event diagram.
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Right, we don't just leave, we process and we analyze and we talk in circles until the lines are just so blurred we don't even remember what happened and all we keep talking about is what we wish had happened and what we hope will happen.
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Next let's talk about what secure breakups are not.
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I'm going to give you three examples.
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We've got the soft launch.
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All right, maybe we should take a break, I don't know.
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Let's just see how things feel after a few weeks.
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Like this is just like ghosting in slow motion.
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Then we've got the guilt trip.
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You're just so amazing.
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You've done nothing wrong.
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I just feel so terrible.
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I don't deserve you.
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Making someone feel bad for making a choice is not compassion.
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Number three the avoid and fade out, pulling away, responding less, canceling plans, hoping they break up with you.
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First, we all want to be witnessed.
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We all want to be seen, understood.
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That is a deep need within each of us.
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Grieve the feelings that come up, the sadness, the fear.
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Hold them, allow them, but understand that this ending also means a beginning.
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If you're struggling to break up with someone in a way that's clear and kind and doesn't leave an emotional back door, hoping for a U-Haul sequel, well, here's how to do it.
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It's three things Clarity, compassion and finality.
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Those are the three things that, if you think about it, that's what you've been left wanting after a breakup.
00:17:24.448 --> 00:17:35.203
You have likely felt confused, misunderstood, not seen, and you're definitely very aware of the grief that you feel and how your future has just blinked out in front of you.
00:17:35.203 --> 00:17:36.587
That makes sense.
00:17:36.587 --> 00:17:39.943
We are often not leading with a desire to be clear.
00:17:39.943 --> 00:17:47.390
We are leading with a desire to get out clean and that is not a loving and kind response to this person that you are saying.
00:17:47.390 --> 00:17:48.972
It's not you, it's me.
00:17:48.972 --> 00:17:56.462
If that's true, please give this person that you care about clarity, compassion and finality in whatever message you share.
00:17:56.462 --> 00:17:58.488
No mixed signals, no lingering.
00:17:58.508 --> 00:17:59.730
Let's see where this goes.
00:17:59.730 --> 00:18:06.748
Let's acknowledge feelings, let's accept ownership, but let's not make this breakup all about soothing the guilt.
00:18:06.748 --> 00:18:08.692
No, maybe in another timeline.
00:18:08.692 --> 00:18:11.584
Energy like just a clean, closed door goodbye.
00:18:11.584 --> 00:18:12.605
Why?
00:18:12.605 --> 00:18:15.230
Because that's what loving is.
00:18:15.230 --> 00:18:22.661
It is loving to let go when you realize that you are no longer aligned or when you realize we weren't congruent like we thought we were.
00:18:22.661 --> 00:18:24.164
That's love.
00:18:24.586 --> 00:18:25.709
Let's talk about why this works.
00:18:25.709 --> 00:18:26.750
Okay, it takes ownership.
00:18:26.750 --> 00:18:27.682
There's no vague.
00:18:27.682 --> 00:18:30.030
I just need space and no excuse.
00:18:30.030 --> 00:18:31.898
I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do.
00:18:31.898 --> 00:18:34.807
There's no soft exit, it's just clear.
00:18:34.807 --> 00:18:36.994
It's compassionate but it's firm.
00:18:37.115 --> 00:18:44.178
It acknowledges the difficulty without playing into the guilt, the obligation, right Once you start going into all the reasons.
00:18:44.178 --> 00:18:48.711
There's a reason why reasons sound like excuses.
00:18:48.711 --> 00:19:04.968
The reasons truly are yours, and I hope that when you come to the bottom of these reasons, you find that, in fact, everything that you have been blaming on your partner is likely something that has been coming up to give you an opportunity to heal.
00:19:04.968 --> 00:19:22.529
Whether it's shadow that you projected onto them, whether it's this repeated pattern of being with people pleasers hi, yes, I've had that one or if it's being with someone that constantly shuts you out and you want to make it work, let's make it safe too.
00:19:22.529 --> 00:19:29.750
Let's make it safe so that you and them are on the same page and aligned.
00:19:29.750 --> 00:19:31.555
What are we getting aligned with?
00:19:31.555 --> 00:19:43.228
We're getting aligned with our goal, and if our goal is a relationship that feels safe and secure, we have to heal when the opportunity arises, or else we just keep passing the buck.
00:19:43.228 --> 00:19:46.388
It makes sense that we do this thing, okay.
00:19:46.388 --> 00:19:49.169
We're not out here negating that we run these patterns.
00:19:49.169 --> 00:19:57.982
What I'm suggesting is what if we stopped and started running a pattern that actually served the goal and aligned us with it?
00:19:57.982 --> 00:20:01.871
You know that you can just keep doing it this way.
00:20:02.071 --> 00:20:03.013
These aren't breakups.
00:20:03.013 --> 00:20:10.780
These are extended release heartbreaks, and the only way out is to give yourself and them the clarity to actually move forward.
00:20:10.780 --> 00:20:14.048
And if you're afraid of hurting them, you will hurt them.
00:20:14.048 --> 00:20:14.932
That's the reality.
00:20:14.932 --> 00:20:27.633
There's not truly, I think, a version of a breakup where no one feels pain, but there's a difference between hurting someone with honesty and hurting someone with avoidance and ambiguity or dishonesty.
00:20:29.082 --> 00:20:35.173
By giving them clarity, you're actually giving them a gift, and a secure breakup doesn't mean both people walking away smiling.
00:20:35.173 --> 00:20:38.606
It means that both people walk away knowing where they stand.
00:20:38.606 --> 00:20:44.703
And how important is that, after your world has fallen apart, to know where you stand.
00:20:44.703 --> 00:20:47.990
That, yeah, queer attachment trauma is real.
00:20:47.990 --> 00:20:56.991
Like we're not trying to keep anyone emotionally hooked, because, at the end of the day, a breakup should be an ending, not an ellipsis.
00:20:57.353 --> 00:21:10.551
Dot, dot, dot, right, whether you're the one doing the breaking up or whether you're the one being broken up with, either you or they, or both of you are saying I don't want to continue walking down this life path with you.
00:21:10.551 --> 00:21:16.709
Hear those words and tell me if, in fact, this breakup is not the kindest thing that they've ever given you.
00:21:16.709 --> 00:21:40.166
They are saying I see now that I can't walk further with you and instead of people pleasing, instead of gaslighting myself about the fact that I'm feeling this way, instead of breaking up and getting back together because I can't handle it at 2 am, when all I'm doing is sobbing about you and wanting to call you, yeah it makes sense we get back together.
00:21:40.240 --> 00:21:41.164
I'm not saying it doesn't.
00:21:41.164 --> 00:21:45.846
I'm here because I've got 20 years experience of this, but is that truly kind?
00:21:45.846 --> 00:21:52.538
Is it truly kind to end with a dot dot dot, with any kind of ambiguity?
00:21:52.538 --> 00:21:54.122
I just don't find it to be so.
00:21:54.122 --> 00:21:58.590
I think that love requires a letting go.
00:21:58.590 --> 00:22:00.374
All right, so pick a number.
00:22:00.374 --> 00:22:02.723
Well, I guess you can't respond.
00:22:02.723 --> 00:22:05.794
I'm going to go with oh.
00:22:05.794 --> 00:22:08.442
22 came to mind, so we're going to go to page 22.
00:22:08.541 --> 00:22:10.167
This is your affirmation for the week.
00:22:10.167 --> 00:22:13.288
If you'd like, I want to read from this little book I got last week.
00:22:13.288 --> 00:22:15.346
It's called Affirmations for Queer People.
00:22:15.346 --> 00:22:17.010
I love this one.
00:22:17.010 --> 00:22:19.347
This is perfect for what we've been talking about.
00:22:20.121 --> 00:22:22.147
I deserve a full and happy life.
00:22:22.147 --> 00:22:29.729
Embrace this reminder to prioritize self-care, pursue your passions and surround yourself with positive influences that uplift and support you.
00:22:29.729 --> 00:22:32.490
You Pursue your passions and surround yourself with positive influences that uplift and support you.
00:22:32.490 --> 00:22:34.200
You deserve nothing less than a life that is vibrant and overflowing with happiness.
00:22:34.200 --> 00:22:35.321
Wow.
00:22:35.321 --> 00:22:36.325
So let it be written.
00:22:36.325 --> 00:22:37.429
So let it be done.
00:22:37.429 --> 00:22:38.364
Hey, I just want you to know.
00:22:38.364 --> 00:22:39.086
It feels like a chat.
00:22:39.086 --> 00:22:43.571
I want to show up, exactly like I show up for any and everyone.
00:22:43.571 --> 00:22:45.685
I no longer have versions of myself.
00:22:45.685 --> 00:22:50.661
I have me, and that's who I'm going to be showing up here as on Queerly Attached Podcast.
00:22:50.661 --> 00:22:54.891
I cannot wait to share with you everything that's coming out.
00:22:54.891 --> 00:22:55.712
We'll see you next time.
00:22:55.712 --> 00:23:04.721
Shoot me an email at hello at queerlyattachednet and or send me a follow on Instagram, tiktok, facebook.
00:23:04.721 --> 00:23:06.445
I am at Queerly Attached.
00:23:06.445 --> 00:23:12.808
Queerly Attached is my coaching business, where I am helping queer folks move from self-abandonment to self-acceptance.
00:23:12.808 --> 00:23:21.393
I have learned in my own 20-year path through relationships, most of which were queer, that self-acceptance is where queer joy is found.
00:23:22.280 --> 00:23:39.051
Next time on Queerly Attached, we're going to open a week earlier or two weeks earlier, but we decided that we wanted our anniversary to be on Valentine's Day because love always wins, love always prevails and no matter how hard this is or that is, or living in this community is or living in that community is.
00:23:39.051 --> 00:23:46.561
The answer really is love, and I think the queer community is uniquely positioned to lead society into the next chapter.
00:23:47.384 --> 00:23:49.229
Next time what Guess what?
00:23:49.229 --> 00:23:49.951
It's already dropped.
00:23:49.951 --> 00:23:52.464
I put out two episodes because who doesn't like a little binging?
00:23:52.464 --> 00:23:53.627
That's Lance Pierce.
00:23:53.627 --> 00:23:56.020
He I call that guy Mr Gay Casey.
00:23:56.020 --> 00:23:59.650
I can't wait for you to meet him and hear all about this club bar.
00:23:59.650 --> 00:24:01.259
It's so much more than that, though.
00:24:01.259 --> 00:24:02.561
Can't wait to talk to you about it.
00:24:02.561 --> 00:24:07.167
It's already dropped is keeping it real.