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Maya Angelou's quote: People forget what you said, what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.
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I think waking up every day and concentrating on how you make people feel and also how you make yourself feel is very important.
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I want people to understand that they're worthy of this.
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You are worthy of love.
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You are worthy of being part of something.
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And that I think oftentimes when it comes to village, people think that if I wasn't born into it, then I'm a goner.
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I'm here to encourage you to say you can build it for yourself.
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I want to empower you to say no.
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You get to choose at a certain point.
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Every week we dive into real conversations with high achieving founders and leaders, uncovering the mindsets, strategies, and takeaways that help you define and achieve success on your own terms.
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I first met today's guest a few years ago when we were in the same mastermind.
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And I was just sharing with her off the call that whenever I think of her name, I remember one thing she said to me, which was always speak in sound bites.
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Clearly, it worked because I remembered it all of this time, and we're in for a pretty amazing conversation today.
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We're in a time where loneliness, burnout, and disconnection are at record highs.
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And this conversation is about how to actually build the support system that everybody needs.
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And this is really important for the bigger picture of aligned living in addition to aligned success, which we talk about on this podcast.
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Florence Anne Romano is a highly sought-after keynote speaker, and she's known for her ability to cultivate meaningful connections.
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She's passionate about helping others create their own community and to be seen, heard, and understood.
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As an acclaimed author, Florence Anne's insights are captured in her book Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life Beyond Words.
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The book's been celebrated as a top 10 in its category.
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Florenceanne's expertise and charismatic delivery have earned her features across over 900 national and local media outlets, including Sherry, ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox TV affiliates, Home and Family, Forbes magazine, The Wall Street Journal, and so much more.
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Florence Sann is also currently a regular expert on over 10 national TV affiliates across the United States.
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Florence Sann, welcome to Purpose Driven Success.
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Oh Mo, thank you for such a warm welcome.
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I am always so happy to see you.
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And I, you know, I was so happy that we were going to get to reconnect because when I first met you in that mastermind, I remember thinking to myself, oh my gosh, I could just listen to him talk forever.
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So it's not surprising you have a podcast.
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I'm so, so proud of you.
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Now that you've said that, I remember something else as well.
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You did say that as well.
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You said with that accent to start a podcast.
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So there you go.
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Florence, your message is so simple, it's so powerful.
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Build your village and let love in.
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So I'm gonna start with your story in your way before we get into any ideas and frameworks.
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When you look back at your own experiences, how did they shape your understanding of connection and belonging and what it truly means to have a village?
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It's funny because most people don't know this about me, but I was a nanny for over 15 years in my life.
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And this is many, many moons ago.
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But when I was a nanny, I had a very interesting perspective on families because I was inside these walls, intimately involved in families, intimately involved with the dynamics.
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And you see a lot, you hear a lot, you observe a lot.
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I've always been a naturally curious person about relationships.
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But as a nanny, I would say it continued to pique that curiosity for me as I worked for more and more people.
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And then when my time came to retire from being a nanny, I always use the Mary Poppins line.
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I stay until the wind changes.
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And the wind changes for a lot of reasons in life.
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And I moved on from that and ended up having a digital content company for many years.
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But while I was building that digital content company that was focused on storytelling from an ethos perspective, a give back perspective, I had decided to write a children's book talking about why people other than parents are taking care of children and why that's so important in our world today.
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Because the statistic at the time, Mo was that over 65% of families in America had childcare in some sort of way.
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So we were seeing something that was cultural, not a trend.
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And so I started doing a ton of media after my book came out about that subject matter, but far beyond it.
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And then years later, COVID hit.
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And I would hear people bemoan all the time online or on the phone with me, or in any way that we were connecting that was not with people in person then.
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People would say, Well, where's this village?
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This village that people talk about.
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Is there a phone number to call, or do people just show up at your front door ready to help you?
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And during COVID, it was the first time, not the first time, but the first time in a long time, at least in my lifetime, that I felt I was experiencing something on a global level that everyone could understand.
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And everyone could understand what it felt like to lose their support systems because we couldn't be together.
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You couldn't have the outside help.
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You couldn't have childcare.
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You couldn't even have your own family coming over for goodness sakes.
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So that led me to thinking, well, it's time to answer the question.
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What is a village?
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Where is this village that people are talking about?
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What's the roadmap for it?
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And I wanted to be the one that wrote the book about the roadmap to the village and also put an emphasis on the fact that the proverb is wonderful.
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It takes a village to raise a child.
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That's all fine and dandy, but I like to chop it in half.
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It takes a village, period.
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Because whether or not you have children, it shouldn't matter.
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You deserve a village, regardless of how you design your life.
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So I want it to be inclusive.
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Obviously, today you talk about the power of community.
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Looking back, was there ever a version of Florence Anne who believed she had to carry everything by herself?
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You know, what did success look like to you before you understood the value of having a village?
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And you know, it's funny.
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I feel like I have struggled with the very things that I've become an expert about.
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And I always like to mention that because people use this term, expert, and you know, they're you're a teacher and this way.
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And the only way you become that way is if you fail, fail, fail.
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Fall down, don't do it well, make mistakes.
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I still make mistakes with this.
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I'm the first one to tell you that you need to ask for help, right?
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That we're not supposed to live this life alone.
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We're meant for people.
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But I, in my own life, will go to reach for my phone and be like, I'm not gonna bother my friend with this today.
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I'm not even taking my own advice.
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So this is a practice.
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This is a mentality that you really need to like concentrate on, focus on.
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And so, yes, there have been many times in my life where I have not reached out for that help.
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Even more recently, I'll give you a quick story.
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I had a fight with a friend, basically.
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And I was on the receiving end of things that felt very hurtful.
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And I didn't really know what to do with it, all these feelings inside of me.
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And I called my best friend, and I was like, oh, I'm having a really rough time here.
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And I just start getting all choked up.
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And I said, uh, uh, can I just come over?
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Because she lives just a couple of blocks from me.
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She's like, Yes.
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So she's like, of course, come over.
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So I went over, I sat down on her couch and I just cried and I just let it all hang out and I just really fell apart.
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And she said to me, I hate to see you like this, but I have to tell you that for the longest time in our friendship, I always felt like it was you taking care of me.
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And now I feel like it's finally reciprocal, like I can finally show up for you.
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And in that moment, I realized that I was really doing a disservice to my friends because no one wants to feel like they're the charity case all the time, that I'm always the one helping them, but they're not allowed to access me and feel purposeful.
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The name of your podcast, purpose.
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I love that word.
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And so, yes, I struggle with this.
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And this was a recent story.
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This is just a few months ago.
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So, yes, I'm in the same boat as a lot of you, and I have to make sure I'm constantly going to that mental gym in order to really lean into what I am talking about.
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Wow, wow, wow.
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And similarly, many high achievers they look successful on the outside, but on the inside, maybe they feel disconnected.
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Did you ever experience that a season where your life looked really full on the outside, but then your village felt empty?
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I would say that I can bring myself back to COVID when I was living in the city, and I now live back in my hometown.
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I moved back to my hometown about five years ago, but I lived in, I'm from Chicago, and I lived in the city proper for 15 years.
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And COVID hit, and I remember looking out my window, looking at the Lake Michigan, Illinois River, and there was this fog across the water, and everything was eerily quiet.
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And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, I'm I'm lonely.
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I'm like palpably lonely.
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And what did I want to do to change that?
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Because I had friends, I had family.
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I looked like I had a very full life, but I felt very isolated downtown.
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And all my friends had gotten married, had children.
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I'm single and never been married, don't have children.
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And I felt disconnected.
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And I felt, what can I do to reconnect myself or connect myself in general?
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And then, long story short, I ended up moving back to my hometown.
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And I'm so happy being here now around my friends and family.
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And it definitely did solve a majority of that issue.
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But as time goes on, I also see the ebbs and flows of my relationships and my friendships where I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by a lot of people.
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And I usually come to the conclusion that I'm spending too much time doing things that don't bring me joy instead of concentrating on things that do, which is what leads to that, those feelings of loneliness.
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Is it things that don't bring you joy or being around people that don't bring you joy or like a mixture of the two?
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I love that question.
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It's a mixture of the two, I would say that you feel like sometimes your life is just that hamster wheel and you're just trying to, you know, catch your tail, basically.
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And we're not meant to live that way.
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We're not meant to just work.
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You know, we are meant to have play and relaxation and things that fill us up.
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So it can be that.
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It can be that where I get a little too obsessed maybe with the work side of things.
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But also, it can be friend-related, where I may be spending time with friends that aren't challenging me the way I want to be challenged or aren't there for me in the ways that I wish they were.
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And that leads me to also, you know, what I write about in my book is evaluating your friendships and seeing if the people that you've cast into these roles are correctly cast.
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Are they set up for success?
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And maybe the reason you feel like your relationships are a little clunky is because they've changed, you've changed, the seasons of your life have changed, it's not aligned, and you need to make some adjustments, some recalibration.
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So I go through this evaluation myself all the time, too, within my own personal relationships.
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Your core message of build your village, let love in, obviously, it's a very noble message, and it's a simple message.
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But what would you say to the person that listens to that message and finds it terrifying?
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Yeah.
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In terms of letting people in because they're so used to just doing it their way.
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Well, I'd like to ask the question why are you so afraid to be vulnerable?
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Why are you afraid to let people in?
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I can answer that question for you in my own life.
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I was raised in an old school Italian family.
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My grandparents lived with us growing up.
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We were a multi-generational household.
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It was the time of my life.
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I loved it.
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But there was stuff still there.
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You know, my relationship with my father was a very complicated one, not a healthy one.
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And old school Italian, you don't air your dirty laundry, really.
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And I think that sometimes precluded me from trusting people or telling people how I was really feeling.
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And so I understand what it feels like to be afraid to be vulnerable and to be afraid to ask for help.
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My caveat to that is I'm not telling you to go out there and ask everyone for help or to confide in everyone or to trust in everyone.
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That is where discernment comes in.
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You're not supposed to go and trust everybody.
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That is a small group of people, or maybe even one person who's your ride or die in life.
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So if you're afraid to do that, I would ask yourself why, where is that coming from?
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Kind of diagnose that within yourself and then realize that asking for that help is going to help eradicate that issue of the loneliness epidemic that we have in this country.
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I'm not asking you to find 20 people to be this person that you go to.
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I'm asking you to find one, one person that you can do this with.
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And that is going to have a ripple effect on your life.
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Such a great point, Florence.
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And in terms of the village, on average, could we presuppose that your village is three to four, five people, eight people, in general, for the listener hearing this for the first time, assuming that it's too much to put it all on one person, if I assume that, or parts, how many are in a village?
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Well, one disclaimer I want to make about that.
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I'm not telling you just to have the one person.
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I'm saying there's the one person that you would confide in in that deep way.
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But of course, you're not going to put all of your hopes and dreams and needs on one person.
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I'm just saying, and when we get into the archetypes, it will make more sense.
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But the village itself, there's not a magic number.
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The book that I wrote, Build Your Village, I created six archetypes of people.
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And the point of that is I'm a visual learner, like a lot of people.
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And if you picture these six people as perhaps like cylinders, like you're in a science lab.
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And I'll briefly say them and then Mo will get into it.
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But the six villagers that I created are the accepting, dependable, cheerleader, communicator, organizer, and healer.
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And I'm going to say that quickly and then we'll dive more deeply.
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But assign those words to each six of those cylinders.
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And inside those cylinders, you're going to have a volume, just like liquid, liquid volume.
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And maybe you're going to be filled up to the brim with the accepting villager.
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Maybe you're halfway full on the cheerleader.
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Maybe you've got maybe just the tiniest bit of liquid in the healer one.
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Well, that liquid reflects and refers to the amount of people.
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You could have 10 accepting people, five communicators, one healer, three organizers.
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I don't care about the number that you have in your life.
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I just care that you're looking at this six and saying, okay, I have at least one person in each of these six.
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And to me, that feels fully formed.
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But maybe you're in a place in your life, a season in your life where you have four out of the six and you say, Florence, you know, I feel good.
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I feel satiated.
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Then you know what?
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Great.
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You don't need those other two right now.
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But maybe there's going to come a time in your life where you will.
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Maybe you're going to go through a divorce or a breakup or a death in the family.
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And all of a sudden, you're going to need that healer villager or you're going to need that organizer villager who's going to create a meal train for you and your family to step in when you're in crisis.
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It's going to ebb and flow.
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And that's the point is I don't want people to get stuck on a number.
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I want you to use these six archetypes to help evaluate the health of your social ecosystem.
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That is really, really outstanding.
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And it sounds like is it something where you can be one of the archetypes yourself, or is it always something you'd want?
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Like, could could you be a village member inside of one of the archetypes, almost self-reflecting?
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Or are all six archetypes external facing?
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I love that question.
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You're right inside my brain, Mo.
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So that's the point of this work, is it's not just about me, me, me, what do I need?
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You also need to be thinking about how do I show up in other people's villages?
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Because we're supposed to live a life taking care of each other, serving one another.
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And so, in order for you to know thyself, and in order for you to be able to show up for other people, you're going to need to do this work as well, evaluating how you present.
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And what's funny is I have people who use my book in book clubs.
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And they'll tell me that they'll do a game while they're sitting there together saying, tell me which villager you think I am.
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And then, you know, vice versa, all of that.
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And it's so funny to watch everybody answer that question.
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And where you may think that you're someone's accepting villager, they actually define you as their communicator.
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Or where you think maybe I'm none of these people to this friend, that friend may say to you, Oh my gosh, you are definitely my dependable villager.
00:20:20.040 --> 00:20:29.720
It's really neat to explore that in a group setting, especially with people that are your friends, because you're kind of holding a mirror up to one another.
00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:33.480
And I don't know that everyone's ready to see what's in that mirror.
00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:40.120
In a village, you have different personalities, different intentions, even if they mean well.
00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:44.840
How do we handle if a villager is probably not for the best?
00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:47.960
Either you've come to realize it, or there's been a misselection.
00:20:48.519 --> 00:20:55.080
Is it just a case, as we say, like use a long spoon, like you'd eat together, but use a really long spoon, so to speak?
00:20:55.560 --> 00:20:58.040
Or is it a case of evicting them?
00:20:58.200 --> 00:20:59.880
How would we deal with that scenario?
00:20:59.960 --> 00:21:04.120
Given that some villagers stay in your life and they just have to.
00:21:04.440 --> 00:21:05.400
Well, two things.
00:21:05.560 --> 00:21:07.880
You want to see if the person's sitting in the right seat.
00:21:08.040 --> 00:21:13.720
Maybe you cast them into a role early on and they're just they're not succeeding in that role.
00:21:13.880 --> 00:21:15.720
You've made them your accepting villager.
00:21:15.880 --> 00:21:21.320
This person's the non-judgmental one in your life, and you can confide in them.
00:21:21.480 --> 00:21:24.120
Well, maybe they've betrayed you in some sort of way.
00:21:24.279 --> 00:21:32.840
Maybe they've told some of your secrets to like another friend in the group, and you find out about it, and you're like, oh, this changes how I feel about them.
00:21:33.320 --> 00:21:35.480
Maybe it doesn't make them a bad person.
00:21:35.640 --> 00:21:49.960
Maybe you can forgive it, maybe you can move on from it, but maybe you're gonna take her or him and move them into a different villager role because they're not the person that you can confide in, but they are someone you can depend on to get things done or delegate to.
00:21:50.120 --> 00:21:52.600
So you're going to recast them into a role.
00:21:52.759 --> 00:21:57.160
So you can preserve a relationship with them, but they're just gonna be in a different bucket.
00:21:57.320 --> 00:22:06.600
Now, if the relationship is not able to be preserved or repaired, then you can fire people from your village.
00:22:06.759 --> 00:22:09.720
I'm gonna say, you know, kind of it bluntly like that.
00:22:09.960 --> 00:22:11.160
And how do you do that?
00:22:11.320 --> 00:22:13.880
How do you go about firing someone from your village?
00:22:14.120 --> 00:22:15.720
Sometimes it happens on its own.
00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:21.160
Sometimes the person just naturally disappears because you were the one putting all the effort in.
00:22:21.240 --> 00:22:23.880
And once you stop putting the effort in, off they go.
00:22:24.040 --> 00:22:26.040
And then, okay, great, done.
00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:27.960
Or sometimes it's a conversation.
00:22:28.120 --> 00:22:33.960
Sometimes you may have to sit down and have a difficult exchange of words.
00:22:34.120 --> 00:22:37.160
I always say you can say what you mean, but not say it mean.
00:22:37.400 --> 00:22:44.600
And so make sure you are leaving that conversation with as much grace and compassion as you can.
00:22:44.840 --> 00:22:48.279
And how you have that conversation should take pause.
00:22:48.440 --> 00:22:53.160
You should consider how you're going to talk to this person and what your end goal is.
00:22:53.320 --> 00:23:02.279
If your end goal is to leave that friendship, how can you do that in a way, like I said, that is going to be done with grace and compassion?
00:23:02.600 --> 00:23:08.600
Knowing who you are, knowing your background, clearly you're someone that's success driven.
00:23:08.840 --> 00:23:10.920
How did your definition evolve?
00:23:11.320 --> 00:23:20.120
From success, external achievement, you know, I'm presupposing here to something that's more rooted in community and purpose and belonging.
00:23:20.440 --> 00:23:22.519
What was that evolution for you?
00:23:23.960 --> 00:23:26.600
Well, success, I think, is a subjective term.
00:23:26.759 --> 00:23:30.200
And I talked about that recently, actually, with a member of my team.
00:23:30.360 --> 00:23:36.920
And I said, I don't like necessarily concentrating on a demographic that is described that way.
00:23:37.080 --> 00:23:39.880
I talk a lot to independent, successful women.
00:23:40.200 --> 00:23:43.160
And I said, I don't know, I'm I'm hung up on this word.
00:23:43.480 --> 00:23:51.400
And someone said to me, but that is up for everyone else to decide what their version of success looks like.
00:23:51.640 --> 00:23:57.240
I may define my own success a certain way, but that's not someone else's definition of it.
00:23:57.480 --> 00:23:59.240
And I love that reframe.
00:23:59.400 --> 00:24:06.040
And I think you probably work with people like that too, Mo, where you're not telling them what the definition of success is.
00:24:06.120 --> 00:24:08.840
You're asking them, what does that look like for you?
00:24:09.080 --> 00:24:12.120
And for me and my life, that has changed over time.
00:24:12.279 --> 00:24:14.120
Like you said, it's an evolution.
00:24:14.360 --> 00:24:17.720
I thought I was going to be a young girl getting married and having kids.
00:24:17.800 --> 00:24:20.519
And here I am at 40, never married, never had kids.
00:24:20.600 --> 00:24:23.160
I never thought that that was going to be the case.
00:24:23.320 --> 00:24:27.560
In my mind, it was success if I got married and had children.
00:24:27.720 --> 00:24:49.640
It took a long time for me to realize that I was really putting myself through so much shame and blame and embarrassment and um sadness, you know, which of course you you can feel all your feelings, but I was I was swimming in it for far too long because I felt like I had failed in some way because I hadn't done those things.
00:24:49.800 --> 00:24:57.240
Here I am still not having done those things, but there's things that I would like to do in that way.
00:24:57.480 --> 00:25:05.480
I would like those things to happen, but I've learned where faith and timing all come into it.
00:25:05.720 --> 00:25:11.720
So that's a long-winded way of saying my definition of all of these things have changed.
00:25:11.800 --> 00:25:24.040
And I don't think people probably expected me to answer that talking about my personal life in terms of marital status or children, but success is not always measured by the money that you make or the career title that you have.
00:25:26.200 --> 00:25:32.360
And that's definitely the foundation this podcast is built on just your own definition of success.
00:25:32.680 --> 00:25:41.720
And I always say that a lot of times people are quote unquote successful and miserable because it's someone else's definition.
00:25:42.360 --> 00:25:47.240
Sometimes we think we're successful when in reality it's stressful.
00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:53.960
You've spent a lot of years teaching people how to build their villages.
00:25:54.440 --> 00:25:57.880
When in your life did you need your village the most?
00:25:58.279 --> 00:26:03.080
And what happened for you because people showed up for you in that moment?
00:26:04.120 --> 00:26:07.640
When I was 35, I decided to freeze my eggs.
00:26:07.800 --> 00:26:12.120
I'm glad that I actually just talked about my marital status because now this is a nice through line.
00:26:12.360 --> 00:26:18.920
When I was 35, I froze my eggs because I had made myself a promise when I was 30 at my 30th birthday party.
00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:22.040
Actually, it was a joint birthday party with one of my best girlfriends.
00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:29.800
And I was standing on this rooftop in Chicago and I was looking out at this beautiful city, and I'd had maybe a couple cocktails, Mo.
00:26:30.200 --> 00:26:38.680
And I said out loud to her, if by the time I'm 35, I have not gotten married and have had children, I'm gonna freeze my eggs.
00:26:38.920 --> 00:26:41.880
So five years later, I still wasn't married, had no children.
00:26:42.040 --> 00:26:45.400
I said, Oh, time to make good on that promise, Florence Ann.
00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:46.600
So I did.
00:26:46.759 --> 00:26:49.560
I did go through IVF a few different rounds.
00:26:49.640 --> 00:26:53.880
I was deciding whether or not I wanted to be a single mom by choice.
00:26:54.040 --> 00:26:58.680
If I wanted to create embryos with donor sperm, I did end up doing that.
00:26:58.759 --> 00:27:05.080
I also did a retrieval where I have eggs that are not fertilized in case I do get married and want to fertilize them with my husband.
00:27:05.320 --> 00:27:06.440
So I did everything.
00:27:06.600 --> 00:27:07.720
I did all of it.
00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:12.519
But while I was going through this, it was very trying.
00:27:12.680 --> 00:27:18.040
My hormones were raging, my mind was foggy, I was very emotional.
00:27:18.360 --> 00:27:25.640
I it was a very lonely time for me, even though I was surrounded by people because it's you and your body.
00:27:25.960 --> 00:27:31.160
And it's only you that can get yourself through it, even though you have everyone that loves you around you.
00:27:31.400 --> 00:27:36.440
And I am the type of person where I take my friendship seriously.
00:27:36.600 --> 00:27:46.680
I love to be the one that shows up, the one that you call in a crisis, the one you call when your water breaks, you need to be taken to the hospital, the one that you call that I love to be that person.
00:27:46.920 --> 00:27:58.200
And at that time in my life, I was really unable to show up for people the way I used to because I was so I was concentrated so much on this very delicate time.
00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:14.760
And I needed to let people take care of me.
00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:27.800
I needed to let people show up at my house and sit with me on the couch and just chat through how I was feeling, or send me, you know, a comfy blanket in the mail and accept it with love.
00:29:28.120 --> 00:29:32.280
Cozy socks that people would drop off saying, wear these on the day of your egg retrieval.
00:29:32.360 --> 00:29:33.320
I'm thinking of you.
00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:35.000
It was so hard for me, Mo.
00:29:35.160 --> 00:29:41.320
It was so hard for me to let people care for me like that because I like to be the caretaker.
00:29:41.560 --> 00:29:42.680
But it taught me a lot.
00:29:42.840 --> 00:29:43.800
It taught me a lot.
00:29:43.960 --> 00:29:52.520
And it's funny that I had to learn that lesson again with my friend that I mentioned at the top of the show, who I showed up at her house and she said, Finally, I feel like I'm purposeful in your life.
00:29:52.760 --> 00:29:58.760
Clearly, I didn't learn the lesson all the, you know, then, and I needed to learn it again, that I needed to let people in.
00:29:58.920 --> 00:30:01.800
But that was a very, very hard time in my life.
00:30:01.960 --> 00:30:20.120
But it also proved to me the concept that we're discussing today, which is where these seasons happen, and you have to be okay knowing that you may not always be able to be the person that you want to be in other people's villages, and sometimes it's going to be about how they can show up for you.
00:30:22.760 --> 00:30:23.160
Wow.
00:30:23.320 --> 00:30:25.160
Thanks for sharing that.
00:30:26.440 --> 00:30:33.640
So let's say someone's listening to this and they just feel unsupported today as we're listening to this.
00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:39.000
What's the first exercise that they would do to assess the health of their village?
00:30:39.080 --> 00:30:43.800
You know, they may have tons of people around them and feel isolated, as you mentioned before.
00:30:44.200 --> 00:30:47.080
I want you to go through the archetypes that we mentioned.
00:30:47.240 --> 00:30:55.160
I want you to read the definitions of them and figure out if you can cast the people in your life into those roles.
00:30:55.320 --> 00:31:01.320
And then once you do that and you step back, you go, okay, well, hmm, I seem to be missing a few people here.
00:31:01.400 --> 00:31:11.000
And maybe that's why I'm going to sleep with this heaviness in my heart, waking up with it too, feeling unfulfilled, feeling unseen, unheard, you know, misunderstood.
00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:13.880
Um, and maybe that's where the gaps are.
00:31:14.120 --> 00:31:23.400
So casting your people in your life, the low-hanging fruit right now that you have into these roles is gonna help reveal where the gaps are.
00:31:23.480 --> 00:31:32.840
And then that's where you start to get surgical, where the gaps are, and then casting people specifically for those roles if you feel like that's where they're missing.
00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:34.040
Right.
00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:39.240
So you gave the scenario where you move from Chicago to your hometown.
00:31:39.480 --> 00:31:42.600
Yes, which is only about 30 minutes outside the city.
00:31:43.080 --> 00:31:45.880
But even still, but you move from Chicago to your hometown.
00:31:46.360 --> 00:31:54.600
Now, I guess what I'm trying to ask is if there are scenarios where one has to rebuild their village, yes.
00:31:54.920 --> 00:32:00.600
Do you sort of use Zoom and whatnot and just keep your original village, the phone and Zoom?
00:32:00.840 --> 00:32:05.160
Or is it more like a touch and see type thing, meeting for coffees and whatnot?
00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:08.280
How does one go about rebuilding their village?
00:32:08.840 --> 00:32:12.440
Rebuilding your village happens multiple times in your life sometimes.
00:32:12.600 --> 00:32:15.160
Like I'd mentioned before, maybe there's a divorce.
00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:25.880
And sometimes in divorce, especially between a man and a woman, the man seems to lose more of the social circle than the woman does, because the woman usually is the one in charge of the calendar.
00:32:26.040 --> 00:32:27.960
And I can tell you this from personal experience.
00:32:28.120 --> 00:32:29.080
My parents are divorced.
00:32:29.240 --> 00:32:31.240
My parents have been divorced for six years.
00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:33.400
They were married for 40, 4-0.
00:32:34.120 --> 00:32:43.160
And my dad said that that was probably one of the hardest parts of the divorce, other than, you know, losing my mom, was losing a lot of his friendships.
00:32:43.240 --> 00:32:46.600
He didn't realize he depended on my mom for those friendships.
00:32:46.920 --> 00:32:51.240
And so he has had to rebuild his village, but he's in his 70s.
00:32:51.400 --> 00:32:53.560
It's not easy at his age to do that.
00:32:53.720 --> 00:32:56.680
He doesn't want to put in the effort that it takes to do that.
00:32:56.920 --> 00:33:01.480
Sometimes I feel like people feel that friendship is more for the young.
00:33:01.800 --> 00:33:08.360
And so if you are rebuilding your life and it's not a divorce situation, let's say you move to an entirely different city.
00:33:08.520 --> 00:33:12.840
One of my best girlfriends from college moved from Chicago to Houston, Texas.
00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:16.520
And she called me when she got there and she said, How do I do this?
00:33:16.680 --> 00:33:18.920
I don't know a soul here, you know.
00:33:19.080 --> 00:33:20.760
And I miss everybody.
00:33:20.840 --> 00:33:22.200
I miss my whole life there.
00:33:22.280 --> 00:33:24.440
All my cousins, all my friends were in Chicago.
00:33:24.600 --> 00:33:27.880
Gave her a lot of credit for, you know, doing the right thing for her family.
00:33:28.040 --> 00:33:30.120
Her husband needed to move there for his job.
00:33:30.360 --> 00:33:35.000
And it took her a while to build the village that she has now, but she put herself out there.
00:33:35.160 --> 00:33:39.240
I said, You need to go and you need to join things at your kids' school.
00:33:39.400 --> 00:33:41.560
You need to get involved with the PTA.
00:33:41.800 --> 00:33:50.280
You need to go and have couples dinners with your husband, with people that work at the same company as his and start to form relationships with those wives.
00:33:50.360 --> 00:33:54.280
You know, you need to go to your neighbors and drop off a little gift and say, hey, we just moved.
00:33:54.360 --> 00:33:56.360
Here's my phone number, my email address.
00:33:56.520 --> 00:33:57.640
I'd love to get together.
00:33:57.720 --> 00:33:59.560
And then you need to put in the effort.
00:33:59.800 --> 00:34:09.079
That's the hardest part, I think, Mo for people when it comes to this work is none of this is going to happen without you putting the effort into it.
00:34:09.240 --> 00:34:12.360
So I always say to people, I can give you all these directions.
00:34:12.440 --> 00:34:12.840
And I do.
00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:18.440
I wrote a whole book about it, but I can't make you get in the car and drive there.
00:34:18.760 --> 00:34:20.119
You have to do it for yourself.
00:34:20.200 --> 00:34:22.840
So you have to ask yourself, how badly do I want this?
00:34:23.079 --> 00:34:25.639
How badly do I want this to change?
00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:29.240
And if you do, then the tools are there for you.
00:34:29.400 --> 00:34:43.000
But so often, Mo, so often people will complain to me about the fact that they don't have this village, they don't have these people, but they don't want to put the work into actually finding them because that's what?
00:34:43.320 --> 00:34:44.360
Vulnerability.
00:34:44.519 --> 00:34:46.440
That's putting yourself out there.
00:34:46.599 --> 00:34:49.159
That is not comfortable for a lot of people.
00:34:50.519 --> 00:34:58.679
That is such an important distinction, really being part of the process and putting yourself out there for others and having that reciprocity.
00:34:58.760 --> 00:35:01.320
That's really a great distinction, Florence Anne.
00:35:01.960 --> 00:35:04.920
You encourage people to ask for help in general.
00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:08.920
You know, let's be interdependent versus independent.
00:35:09.320 --> 00:35:14.119
What's the hardest example of help that you've had to reach out to someone for?
00:35:16.119 --> 00:35:17.800
Oh, the hardest example.
00:35:17.960 --> 00:35:19.960
Uh I would say that.
00:35:21.399 --> 00:35:26.519
Well, I go to go back to the story with one of my best friends I told you about when I showed up at her house.
00:35:26.839 --> 00:35:37.879
That was very difficult for me because the issue I was having with the other friend, I felt so embarrassed about the criticism that that friend was making toward me.
00:35:38.039 --> 00:35:39.960
I didn't want to say it out loud.
00:35:40.439 --> 00:35:52.119
And yeah, even now, even months later, after that, it's hard for me to put myself back on her couch because I can feel my stomach kind of churn a bit.
00:35:52.439 --> 00:35:54.679
Because you don't want to admit anything.
00:35:54.839 --> 00:36:03.319
And not that I was admitting I had done anything necessarily wrong, but the criticism that was being hurled toward me embarrassed me.
00:36:03.480 --> 00:36:07.559
And I couldn't believe that I was on the receiving end of something like that.
00:36:08.119 --> 00:36:17.319
And saying it out loud, even though this person is one of my best friends in the world, I still had a hard time being vulnerable.
00:36:17.559 --> 00:36:19.480
That's very recent, very recent.
00:36:19.559 --> 00:36:23.879
And so I want people out there to understand, you know, look, that was just a few months ago for me.
00:36:23.960 --> 00:36:30.919
I'm not saying, oh, this was 15 years ago, and I've never had this problem since then, having a problem asking for help or revealing something.
00:36:31.159 --> 00:36:36.679
No, I still have to, you know, sharpen my teeth the same way everybody else does.
00:36:37.879 --> 00:36:42.679
I like that so much that it to make clear that it's a continuous process.
00:36:42.839 --> 00:36:43.079
Right.
00:36:43.239 --> 00:36:52.679
And even someone like yourself that teaches the process and you literally taught it and teach it nationwide and internationally, it's still a continuum even for yourself.
00:36:52.919 --> 00:36:57.159
Again, we want to create a transformation from this conversation.
00:36:57.399 --> 00:37:01.959
And you mentioned going to the exercises, looking at different archetypes.
00:37:02.199 --> 00:37:07.159
If someone's listening to this and they feel stuck, they feel lonely, they feel disconnected, right?
00:37:07.399 --> 00:37:08.199
What's a question?
00:37:08.359 --> 00:37:13.959
It might even be a hard question for themselves, but what's a question that they should be asking themselves?
00:37:14.599 --> 00:37:19.959
Well, it's not as much a question as I want to give you a directive, I want to give you a prompt.
00:37:20.279 --> 00:37:28.999
When people feel like they literally have no idea how to start this, what to do, where to go, they are starting from scratch.
00:37:29.319 --> 00:37:31.719
My best advice is philanthropy.
00:37:32.039 --> 00:37:42.359
I always say that if you don't know how to connect, if you are feeling that disconnection, that you need to look at what makes your heart flutter, what's important to you.
00:37:42.519 --> 00:37:46.999
Throw it into Google, see what exists in your community where you can give back.
00:37:47.159 --> 00:37:49.239
It's not writing a massive check.
00:37:49.399 --> 00:37:51.559
It's where can you get your hands dirty?
00:37:51.719 --> 00:37:55.319
Where can you show up somewhere that you can be helpful, where you can serve?
00:37:55.559 --> 00:38:02.279
Because if you do that, then all of a sudden you're gonna be in a group of people that are like-minded, have similar values.
00:38:02.439 --> 00:38:06.439
And without you tapping someone on the shoulder saying, Hey, do you want to be my friend?
00:38:06.679 --> 00:38:16.759
you're gonna be in an environment that's not very threatening, that you're probably going to start creating relationships naturally because you're both there and you already have something in common.
00:38:16.919 --> 00:38:23.159
So if you feel like right now you do not know what to do, you do not know the first step to take.
00:38:23.319 --> 00:38:25.319
I just gave you your first step.
00:38:26.439 --> 00:38:28.439
That is such a powerful first step as well.
00:38:28.519 --> 00:38:29.479
You know, serve.
00:38:30.039 --> 00:38:37.479
Obviously, it's not with the intention of reciprocity, like whole trading, yes, but serve, serve, serve, serve, serve.
00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:39.159
You're in that environment, it comes back.
00:38:39.479 --> 00:38:40.759
It's such a great distinction.
00:38:40.919 --> 00:38:41.639
Thank you for that.
00:38:42.039 --> 00:38:44.519
So we're way in the future, 20 years from now.
00:38:44.599 --> 00:38:46.439
Is 20 years way in the future, really?
00:38:48.439 --> 00:38:57.159
Feel short when people reflect on your work, yeah, and your message, and what do you want them to remember?
00:38:57.799 --> 00:39:11.159
Not even so much about building a village, but how to live a meaningful life that's interdependent versus independent and not feeling uh guilty about it.
00:39:11.239 --> 00:39:13.799
Like it's it's fine not to try and do this yourself.
00:39:14.039 --> 00:39:18.279
How would you like to be remembered and your people to reflect on your work given that?
00:39:19.319 --> 00:39:20.599
Oh, a couple things.
00:39:20.759 --> 00:39:25.399
I think I'd like to be remembered as a person that knew how to love.
00:39:25.639 --> 00:39:30.839
If someone just said that about me in a eulogy, that would make me very happy that she knew how to love.
00:39:31.159 --> 00:39:36.439
Maya Angelou's quote, people forget what you said, what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.
00:39:36.679 --> 00:39:46.359
I think waking up every day and and concentrating on how you make people feel, and also how you make yourself feel is very important.
00:39:46.519 --> 00:39:51.239
And third, you mentioned this, but I want to expand on it more.
00:39:51.399 --> 00:39:53.159
You talked about that guilt.
00:39:54.039 --> 00:39:58.039
I want people to understand that they're worthy of this.
00:39:58.279 --> 00:40:07.799
You are worthy of love, you are worthy of being part of something, and that it's not a failure if you need to ask for that help.
00:40:08.039 --> 00:40:16.359
And that I think oftentimes when it comes to village, people think that if I wasn't born into it, then I'm a goner.
00:40:16.599 --> 00:40:19.639
I'm here to encourage you to say, you can build it for yourself.
00:40:19.799 --> 00:40:24.119
I want to empower you to say no, you get to choose at a certain point.
00:40:24.439 --> 00:40:39.479
And so making yourself the hero in this scenario, you know, that you can control this, that you can take some of your power back, maybe when you feel like you've lost some of it, that's all very important to me.
00:40:39.719 --> 00:40:50.839
So I hope in 20 years, if my work is remembered, it is that people felt like no matter what they were born into, they were worthy of finding connection.
00:40:52.759 --> 00:40:54.759
That is so outstanding, Florence Anne.
00:40:54.919 --> 00:41:01.879
And I really love the way that using your example, you've grown up in a multi-how did you phrase it?
00:41:02.199 --> 00:41:05.639
Multi-generational multi-generational household.
00:41:05.879 --> 00:41:15.239
And then sometimes we grow up and we go, oh, I grew up in a multi-generational household, meaning surrounded just by love and by people and just everyone.
00:41:15.479 --> 00:41:15.719
Right.
00:41:15.959 --> 00:41:26.839
And then you've given this formula to go, well, you can actually form a multi-generational village, if you will, and have all of that and more, even still.
00:41:26.999 --> 00:41:29.559
And you've given us the frameworks and the formula.
00:41:29.799 --> 00:41:31.959
So that is so outstanding here.
00:41:32.359 --> 00:41:37.719
If someone wants to learn more about you, read your book, which I recommend, by the way.
00:41:38.039 --> 00:41:40.279
How do we now find out more about you?
00:41:40.599 --> 00:41:41.239
Would you say?
00:41:41.639 --> 00:41:43.959
My website, Florenceanne.com.
00:41:44.359 --> 00:41:47.079
Everything and more that we talked about is available there.
00:41:47.239 --> 00:41:49.879
But I like to think of myself as your virtual village.
00:41:50.039 --> 00:41:53.319
So if you find me on social media, Florence Romano, DM me.
00:41:53.399 --> 00:41:54.759
I answer every DM.
00:41:55.079 --> 00:42:05.239
And if you need someone to talk to and figure out what to do to take your first step, I am so happy to be that person virtually for you.
00:42:05.319 --> 00:42:07.159
So please do reach out.
00:42:08.039 --> 00:42:08.679
Awesome.
00:42:08.919 --> 00:42:14.279
Florence, it's been so outstanding having you as a guest here on Purpose Driven Success.
00:42:14.519 --> 00:42:18.999
And we look forward to following your work and seeing where you take it even further.
00:42:19.079 --> 00:42:20.039
It's so outstanding.
00:42:20.279 --> 00:42:21.079
Thank you, Mo.
00:42:21.159 --> 00:42:22.759
Well, Ditto, right back at you.
00:42:22.839 --> 00:42:24.999
Can't wait to see the places you'll go.
00:42:25.799 --> 00:42:26.279
Awesome.
00:42:26.439 --> 00:42:27.079
All the best.
00:42:27.159 --> 00:42:27.639
Ciao.
00:42:27.799 --> 00:42:28.439
You too.
00:42:28.599 --> 00:42:29.479
Bye-bye.
00:42:30.439 --> 00:42:33.719
Thank you for listening to Purpose Driven Success with Mo Salami.
00:42:34.039 --> 00:42:37.959
If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review.
00:42:38.119 --> 00:42:41.159
It's one of the best ways to help others discover the show.
00:42:41.319 --> 00:42:45.479
You can find links and resources and show notes at our website.
00:42:45.639 --> 00:42:52.359
And if today's episode inspired you, check out one of our other insight-filled, value-packed episodes.
00:42:52.519 --> 00:42:59.879
Next week we'll have another amazing guest, so stay tuned for even more real stories and actionable insights.
00:43:00.119 --> 00:43:08.759
Work on your mindset, work on your skill set, and always move in the direction of the result you want before you see the result you want.
00:43:08.919 --> 00:43:12.439
And until next time, do the best you can consistently.
00:43:12.759 --> 00:43:13.559
Ciao.
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:05.360
Maya Angelou's quote: People forget what you said, what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.
00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:15.439
I think waking up every day and concentrating on how you make people feel and also how you make yourself feel is very important.
00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:19.519
I want people to understand that they're worthy of this.
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:21.039
You are worthy of love.
00:00:21.199 --> 00:00:23.839
You are worthy of being part of something.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:32.560
And that I think oftentimes when it comes to village, people think that if I wasn't born into it, then I'm a goner.
00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:35.840
I'm here to encourage you to say you can build it for yourself.
00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:38.079
I want to empower you to say no.
00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:40.399
You get to choose at a certain point.
00:00:58.799 --> 00:01:12.799
Every week we dive into real conversations with high achieving founders and leaders, uncovering the mindsets, strategies, and takeaways that help you define and achieve success on your own terms.
00:01:14.079 --> 00:01:19.840
I first met today's guest a few years ago when we were in the same mastermind.
00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:29.280
And I was just sharing with her off the call that whenever I think of her name, I remember one thing she said to me, which was always speak in sound bites.
00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:36.879
Clearly, it worked because I remembered it all of this time, and we're in for a pretty amazing conversation today.
00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:43.200
We're in a time where loneliness, burnout, and disconnection are at record highs.
00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:49.680
And this conversation is about how to actually build the support system that everybody needs.
00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:59.040
And this is really important for the bigger picture of aligned living in addition to aligned success, which we talk about on this podcast.
00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:08.960
Florence Anne Romano is a highly sought-after keynote speaker, and she's known for her ability to cultivate meaningful connections.
00:02:09.199 --> 00:02:15.360
She's passionate about helping others create their own community and to be seen, heard, and understood.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:27.280
As an acclaimed author, Florence Anne's insights are captured in her book Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life Beyond Words.
00:02:27.599 --> 00:02:31.039
The book's been celebrated as a top 10 in its category.
00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:50.719
Florenceanne's expertise and charismatic delivery have earned her features across over 900 national and local media outlets, including Sherry, ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox TV affiliates, Home and Family, Forbes magazine, The Wall Street Journal, and so much more.
00:02:50.879 --> 00:02:58.719
Florence Sann is also currently a regular expert on over 10 national TV affiliates across the United States.
00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:01.439
Florence Sann, welcome to Purpose Driven Success.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:04.319
Oh Mo, thank you for such a warm welcome.
00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:06.960
I am always so happy to see you.
00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:18.000
And I, you know, I was so happy that we were going to get to reconnect because when I first met you in that mastermind, I remember thinking to myself, oh my gosh, I could just listen to him talk forever.
00:03:18.159 --> 00:03:21.039
So it's not surprising you have a podcast.
00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:23.039
I'm so, so proud of you.
00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:26.240
Now that you've said that, I remember something else as well.
00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:27.199
You did say that as well.
00:03:27.360 --> 00:03:30.240
You said with that accent to start a podcast.
00:03:30.400 --> 00:03:31.919
So there you go.
00:03:32.240 --> 00:03:35.280
Florence, your message is so simple, it's so powerful.
00:03:35.599 --> 00:03:38.159
Build your village and let love in.
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:44.000
So I'm gonna start with your story in your way before we get into any ideas and frameworks.
00:03:44.319 --> 00:03:53.599
When you look back at your own experiences, how did they shape your understanding of connection and belonging and what it truly means to have a village?
00:03:54.240 --> 00:04:00.960
It's funny because most people don't know this about me, but I was a nanny for over 15 years in my life.
00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:03.199
And this is many, many moons ago.
00:04:03.360 --> 00:04:17.839
But when I was a nanny, I had a very interesting perspective on families because I was inside these walls, intimately involved in families, intimately involved with the dynamics.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:21.040
And you see a lot, you hear a lot, you observe a lot.
00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:25.519
I've always been a naturally curious person about relationships.
00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:33.199
But as a nanny, I would say it continued to pique that curiosity for me as I worked for more and more people.
00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:39.279
And then when my time came to retire from being a nanny, I always use the Mary Poppins line.
00:04:39.360 --> 00:04:41.040
I stay until the wind changes.
00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:43.600
And the wind changes for a lot of reasons in life.
00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:48.720
And I moved on from that and ended up having a digital content company for many years.
00:04:48.959 --> 00:05:09.439
But while I was building that digital content company that was focused on storytelling from an ethos perspective, a give back perspective, I had decided to write a children's book talking about why people other than parents are taking care of children and why that's so important in our world today.
00:05:09.519 --> 00:05:16.079
Because the statistic at the time, Mo was that over 65% of families in America had childcare in some sort of way.
00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:19.439
So we were seeing something that was cultural, not a trend.
00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:26.160
And so I started doing a ton of media after my book came out about that subject matter, but far beyond it.
00:05:26.399 --> 00:05:28.800
And then years later, COVID hit.
00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:38.480
And I would hear people bemoan all the time online or on the phone with me, or in any way that we were connecting that was not with people in person then.
00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:40.639
People would say, Well, where's this village?
00:05:40.800 --> 00:05:42.240
This village that people talk about.
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Is there a phone number to call, or do people just show up at your front door ready to help you?
00:05:46.879 --> 00:06:01.759
And during COVID, it was the first time, not the first time, but the first time in a long time, at least in my lifetime, that I felt I was experiencing something on a global level that everyone could understand.
00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:07.759
And everyone could understand what it felt like to lose their support systems because we couldn't be together.
00:06:07.920 --> 00:06:09.439
You couldn't have the outside help.
00:06:09.519 --> 00:06:10.560
You couldn't have childcare.
00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:13.279
You couldn't even have your own family coming over for goodness sakes.
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So that led me to thinking, well, it's time to answer the question.
00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:19.360
What is a village?
00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:21.759
Where is this village that people are talking about?
00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:23.279
What's the roadmap for it?
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And I wanted to be the one that wrote the book about the roadmap to the village and also put an emphasis on the fact that the proverb is wonderful.
00:06:31.279 --> 00:06:33.040
It takes a village to raise a child.
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That's all fine and dandy, but I like to chop it in half.
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It takes a village, period.
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Because whether or not you have children, it shouldn't matter.
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You deserve a village, regardless of how you design your life.
00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:47.600
So I want it to be inclusive.
00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:51.600
Obviously, today you talk about the power of community.
00:06:52.240 --> 00:06:58.000
Looking back, was there ever a version of Florence Anne who believed she had to carry everything by herself?
00:06:58.079 --> 00:07:04.000
You know, what did success look like to you before you understood the value of having a village?
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:06.399
And you know, it's funny.
00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:10.959
I feel like I have struggled with the very things that I've become an expert about.
00:07:11.040 --> 00:07:18.959
And I always like to mention that because people use this term, expert, and you know, they're you're a teacher and this way.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:23.040
And the only way you become that way is if you fail, fail, fail.
00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:26.480
Fall down, don't do it well, make mistakes.
00:07:26.639 --> 00:07:28.160
I still make mistakes with this.
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I'm the first one to tell you that you need to ask for help, right?
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That we're not supposed to live this life alone.
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We're meant for people.
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But I, in my own life, will go to reach for my phone and be like, I'm not gonna bother my friend with this today.
00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:45.120
I'm not even taking my own advice.
00:07:45.360 --> 00:07:47.279
So this is a practice.
00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:53.360
This is a mentality that you really need to like concentrate on, focus on.
00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:58.480
And so, yes, there have been many times in my life where I have not reached out for that help.
00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:02.560
Even more recently, I'll give you a quick story.
00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:06.800
I had a fight with a friend, basically.
00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:11.439
And I was on the receiving end of things that felt very hurtful.
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And I didn't really know what to do with it, all these feelings inside of me.
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:23.600
And I called my best friend, and I was like, oh, I'm having a really rough time here.
00:08:23.759 --> 00:08:25.600
And I just start getting all choked up.
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And I said, uh, uh, can I just come over?
00:08:27.839 --> 00:08:29.759
Because she lives just a couple of blocks from me.
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She's like, Yes.
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So she's like, of course, come over.
00:08:32.559 --> 00:08:40.399
So I went over, I sat down on her couch and I just cried and I just let it all hang out and I just really fell apart.
00:08:40.639 --> 00:08:52.159
And she said to me, I hate to see you like this, but I have to tell you that for the longest time in our friendship, I always felt like it was you taking care of me.
00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:59.679
And now I feel like it's finally reciprocal, like I can finally show up for you.
00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:17.200
And in that moment, I realized that I was really doing a disservice to my friends because no one wants to feel like they're the charity case all the time, that I'm always the one helping them, but they're not allowed to access me and feel purposeful.
00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:20.240
The name of your podcast, purpose.
00:09:20.480 --> 00:09:21.600
I love that word.
00:09:21.840 --> 00:09:24.000
And so, yes, I struggle with this.
00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:25.440
And this was a recent story.
00:09:25.519 --> 00:09:26.879
This is just a few months ago.
00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:38.639
So, yes, I'm in the same boat as a lot of you, and I have to make sure I'm constantly going to that mental gym in order to really lean into what I am talking about.
00:09:40.639 --> 00:09:41.759
Wow, wow, wow.
00:09:41.919 --> 00:09:50.960
And similarly, many high achievers they look successful on the outside, but on the inside, maybe they feel disconnected.
00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:58.639
Did you ever experience that a season where your life looked really full on the outside, but then your village felt empty?
00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:07.840
I would say that I can bring myself back to COVID when I was living in the city, and I now live back in my hometown.
00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:15.440
I moved back to my hometown about five years ago, but I lived in, I'm from Chicago, and I lived in the city proper for 15 years.
00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:29.039
And COVID hit, and I remember looking out my window, looking at the Lake Michigan, Illinois River, and there was this fog across the water, and everything was eerily quiet.
00:10:29.279 --> 00:10:32.399
And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, I'm I'm lonely.
00:10:32.480 --> 00:10:34.480
I'm like palpably lonely.
00:10:34.879 --> 00:10:37.360
And what did I want to do to change that?
00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:39.600
Because I had friends, I had family.
00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:44.720
I looked like I had a very full life, but I felt very isolated downtown.
00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:47.120
And all my friends had gotten married, had children.
00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:50.240
I'm single and never been married, don't have children.
00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:52.320
And I felt disconnected.
00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:58.639
And I felt, what can I do to reconnect myself or connect myself in general?
00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:02.480
And then, long story short, I ended up moving back to my hometown.
00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:06.080
And I'm so happy being here now around my friends and family.
00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:10.240
And it definitely did solve a majority of that issue.
00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:21.120
But as time goes on, I also see the ebbs and flows of my relationships and my friendships where I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by a lot of people.
00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:33.759
And I usually come to the conclusion that I'm spending too much time doing things that don't bring me joy instead of concentrating on things that do, which is what leads to that, those feelings of loneliness.
00:11:34.559 --> 00:11:39.840
Is it things that don't bring you joy or being around people that don't bring you joy or like a mixture of the two?
00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:40.960
I love that question.
00:11:41.120 --> 00:11:52.240
It's a mixture of the two, I would say that you feel like sometimes your life is just that hamster wheel and you're just trying to, you know, catch your tail, basically.
00:11:52.559 --> 00:11:54.879
And we're not meant to live that way.
00:11:55.039 --> 00:11:56.320
We're not meant to just work.
00:11:56.399 --> 00:12:00.399
You know, we are meant to have play and relaxation and things that fill us up.
00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:01.759
So it can be that.
00:12:01.919 --> 00:12:06.399
It can be that where I get a little too obsessed maybe with the work side of things.
00:12:06.720 --> 00:12:22.879
But also, it can be friend-related, where I may be spending time with friends that aren't challenging me the way I want to be challenged or aren't there for me in the ways that I wish they were.
00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:34.559
And that leads me to also, you know, what I write about in my book is evaluating your friendships and seeing if the people that you've cast into these roles are correctly cast.
00:12:34.879 --> 00:12:36.879
Are they set up for success?
00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:51.759
And maybe the reason you feel like your relationships are a little clunky is because they've changed, you've changed, the seasons of your life have changed, it's not aligned, and you need to make some adjustments, some recalibration.
00:12:51.919 --> 00:12:57.679
So I go through this evaluation myself all the time, too, within my own personal relationships.
00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:06.720
Your core message of build your village, let love in, obviously, it's a very noble message, and it's a simple message.
00:13:07.039 --> 00:13:11.840
But what would you say to the person that listens to that message and finds it terrifying?
00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:12.320
Yeah.
00:13:12.559 --> 00:13:16.559
In terms of letting people in because they're so used to just doing it their way.
00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:21.759
Well, I'd like to ask the question why are you so afraid to be vulnerable?
00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:24.080
Why are you afraid to let people in?
00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:27.679
I can answer that question for you in my own life.
00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:30.799
I was raised in an old school Italian family.
00:13:31.039 --> 00:13:32.639
My grandparents lived with us growing up.
00:13:32.720 --> 00:13:34.159
We were a multi-generational household.
00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:35.440
It was the time of my life.
00:13:35.600 --> 00:13:36.639
I loved it.
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:39.519
But there was stuff still there.
00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:45.200
You know, my relationship with my father was a very complicated one, not a healthy one.
00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:50.480
And old school Italian, you don't air your dirty laundry, really.
00:13:50.879 --> 00:14:00.639
And I think that sometimes precluded me from trusting people or telling people how I was really feeling.
00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:07.519
And so I understand what it feels like to be afraid to be vulnerable and to be afraid to ask for help.
00:14:07.679 --> 00:14:17.200
My caveat to that is I'm not telling you to go out there and ask everyone for help or to confide in everyone or to trust in everyone.
00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:19.919
That is where discernment comes in.
00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:23.519
You're not supposed to go and trust everybody.
00:14:23.679 --> 00:14:28.639
That is a small group of people, or maybe even one person who's your ride or die in life.
00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:34.000
So if you're afraid to do that, I would ask yourself why, where is that coming from?
00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:46.720
Kind of diagnose that within yourself and then realize that asking for that help is going to help eradicate that issue of the loneliness epidemic that we have in this country.
00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:50.639
I'm not asking you to find 20 people to be this person that you go to.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:54.639
I'm asking you to find one, one person that you can do this with.
00:14:54.799 --> 00:14:57.279
And that is going to have a ripple effect on your life.
00:16:11.559 --> 00:16:13.000
Such a great point, Florence.
00:16:13.159 --> 00:16:31.480
And in terms of the village, on average, could we presuppose that your village is three to four, five people, eight people, in general, for the listener hearing this for the first time, assuming that it's too much to put it all on one person, if I assume that, or parts, how many are in a village?
00:16:31.799 --> 00:16:34.039
Well, one disclaimer I want to make about that.
00:16:34.120 --> 00:16:35.799
I'm not telling you just to have the one person.
00:16:35.879 --> 00:16:40.600
I'm saying there's the one person that you would confide in in that deep way.
00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:46.360
But of course, you're not going to put all of your hopes and dreams and needs on one person.
00:16:46.519 --> 00:16:50.039
I'm just saying, and when we get into the archetypes, it will make more sense.
00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:53.879
But the village itself, there's not a magic number.
00:16:54.199 --> 00:16:59.000
The book that I wrote, Build Your Village, I created six archetypes of people.
00:16:59.159 --> 00:17:02.600
And the point of that is I'm a visual learner, like a lot of people.
00:17:02.839 --> 00:17:09.720
And if you picture these six people as perhaps like cylinders, like you're in a science lab.
00:17:10.200 --> 00:17:13.160
And I'll briefly say them and then Mo will get into it.
00:17:13.319 --> 00:17:20.759
But the six villagers that I created are the accepting, dependable, cheerleader, communicator, organizer, and healer.
00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:23.400
And I'm going to say that quickly and then we'll dive more deeply.
00:17:24.039 --> 00:17:28.279
But assign those words to each six of those cylinders.
00:17:28.600 --> 00:17:33.640
And inside those cylinders, you're going to have a volume, just like liquid, liquid volume.
00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:38.039
And maybe you're going to be filled up to the brim with the accepting villager.
00:17:38.200 --> 00:17:40.440
Maybe you're halfway full on the cheerleader.
00:17:40.600 --> 00:17:44.440
Maybe you've got maybe just the tiniest bit of liquid in the healer one.
00:17:44.680 --> 00:17:50.120
Well, that liquid reflects and refers to the amount of people.
00:17:50.279 --> 00:17:56.279
You could have 10 accepting people, five communicators, one healer, three organizers.
00:17:56.440 --> 00:17:59.400
I don't care about the number that you have in your life.
00:17:59.640 --> 00:18:06.600
I just care that you're looking at this six and saying, okay, I have at least one person in each of these six.
00:18:06.680 --> 00:18:09.079
And to me, that feels fully formed.
00:18:09.400 --> 00:18:16.360
But maybe you're in a place in your life, a season in your life where you have four out of the six and you say, Florence, you know, I feel good.
00:18:16.519 --> 00:18:17.800
I feel satiated.
00:18:17.960 --> 00:18:18.680
Then you know what?
00:18:18.840 --> 00:18:19.160
Great.
00:18:19.320 --> 00:18:21.400
You don't need those other two right now.
00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:24.200
But maybe there's going to come a time in your life where you will.
00:18:24.360 --> 00:18:28.680
Maybe you're going to go through a divorce or a breakup or a death in the family.
00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:39.400
And all of a sudden, you're going to need that healer villager or you're going to need that organizer villager who's going to create a meal train for you and your family to step in when you're in crisis.
00:18:39.800 --> 00:18:41.640
It's going to ebb and flow.
00:18:41.720 --> 00:18:45.160
And that's the point is I don't want people to get stuck on a number.
00:18:45.320 --> 00:18:52.200
I want you to use these six archetypes to help evaluate the health of your social ecosystem.
00:18:54.519 --> 00:18:56.360
That is really, really outstanding.
00:18:56.519 --> 00:19:04.440
And it sounds like is it something where you can be one of the archetypes yourself, or is it always something you'd want?
00:19:04.519 --> 00:19:10.279
Like, could could you be a village member inside of one of the archetypes, almost self-reflecting?
00:19:10.600 --> 00:19:14.279
Or are all six archetypes external facing?
00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:16.279
I love that question.
00:19:16.360 --> 00:19:17.960
You're right inside my brain, Mo.
00:19:18.120 --> 00:19:23.560
So that's the point of this work, is it's not just about me, me, me, what do I need?
00:19:23.720 --> 00:19:28.440
You also need to be thinking about how do I show up in other people's villages?
00:19:28.759 --> 00:19:33.240
Because we're supposed to live a life taking care of each other, serving one another.
00:19:33.400 --> 00:19:44.920
And so, in order for you to know thyself, and in order for you to be able to show up for other people, you're going to need to do this work as well, evaluating how you present.
00:19:45.080 --> 00:19:49.960
And what's funny is I have people who use my book in book clubs.
00:19:50.279 --> 00:19:57.640
And they'll tell me that they'll do a game while they're sitting there together saying, tell me which villager you think I am.
00:19:57.880 --> 00:20:00.040
And then, you know, vice versa, all of that.
00:20:00.279 --> 00:20:04.920
And it's so funny to watch everybody answer that question.
00:20:05.080 --> 00:20:11.560
And where you may think that you're someone's accepting villager, they actually define you as their communicator.
00:20:11.720 --> 00:20:19.720
Or where you think maybe I'm none of these people to this friend, that friend may say to you, Oh my gosh, you are definitely my dependable villager.
00:20:20.040 --> 00:20:29.720
It's really neat to explore that in a group setting, especially with people that are your friends, because you're kind of holding a mirror up to one another.
00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:33.480
And I don't know that everyone's ready to see what's in that mirror.
00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:40.120
In a village, you have different personalities, different intentions, even if they mean well.
00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:44.840
How do we handle if a villager is probably not for the best?
00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:47.960
Either you've come to realize it, or there's been a misselection.
00:20:48.519 --> 00:20:55.080
Is it just a case, as we say, like use a long spoon, like you'd eat together, but use a really long spoon, so to speak?
00:20:55.560 --> 00:20:58.040
Or is it a case of evicting them?
00:20:58.200 --> 00:20:59.880
How would we deal with that scenario?
00:20:59.960 --> 00:21:04.120
Given that some villagers stay in your life and they just have to.
00:21:04.440 --> 00:21:05.400
Well, two things.
00:21:05.560 --> 00:21:07.880
You want to see if the person's sitting in the right seat.
00:21:08.040 --> 00:21:13.720
Maybe you cast them into a role early on and they're just they're not succeeding in that role.
00:21:13.880 --> 00:21:15.720
You've made them your accepting villager.
00:21:15.880 --> 00:21:21.320
This person's the non-judgmental one in your life, and you can confide in them.
00:21:21.480 --> 00:21:24.120
Well, maybe they've betrayed you in some sort of way.
00:21:24.279 --> 00:21:32.840
Maybe they've told some of your secrets to like another friend in the group, and you find out about it, and you're like, oh, this changes how I feel about them.
00:21:33.320 --> 00:21:35.480
Maybe it doesn't make them a bad person.
00:21:35.640 --> 00:21:49.960
Maybe you can forgive it, maybe you can move on from it, but maybe you're gonna take her or him and move them into a different villager role because they're not the person that you can confide in, but they are someone you can depend on to get things done or delegate to.
00:21:50.120 --> 00:21:52.600
So you're going to recast them into a role.
00:21:52.759 --> 00:21:57.160
So you can preserve a relationship with them, but they're just gonna be in a different bucket.
00:21:57.320 --> 00:22:06.600
Now, if the relationship is not able to be preserved or repaired, then you can fire people from your village.
00:22:06.759 --> 00:22:09.720
I'm gonna say, you know, kind of it bluntly like that.
00:22:09.960 --> 00:22:11.160
And how do you do that?
00:22:11.320 --> 00:22:13.880
How do you go about firing someone from your village?
00:22:14.120 --> 00:22:15.720
Sometimes it happens on its own.
00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:21.160
Sometimes the person just naturally disappears because you were the one putting all the effort in.
00:22:21.240 --> 00:22:23.880
And once you stop putting the effort in, off they go.
00:22:24.040 --> 00:22:26.040
And then, okay, great, done.
00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:27.960
Or sometimes it's a conversation.
00:22:28.120 --> 00:22:33.960
Sometimes you may have to sit down and have a difficult exchange of words.
00:22:34.120 --> 00:22:37.160
I always say you can say what you mean, but not say it mean.
00:22:37.400 --> 00:22:44.600
And so make sure you are leaving that conversation with as much grace and compassion as you can.
00:22:44.840 --> 00:22:48.279
And how you have that conversation should take pause.
00:22:48.440 --> 00:22:53.160
You should consider how you're going to talk to this person and what your end goal is.
00:22:53.320 --> 00:23:02.279
If your end goal is to leave that friendship, how can you do that in a way, like I said, that is going to be done with grace and compassion?
00:23:02.600 --> 00:23:08.600
Knowing who you are, knowing your background, clearly you're someone that's success driven.
00:23:08.840 --> 00:23:10.920
How did your definition evolve?
00:23:11.320 --> 00:23:20.120
From success, external achievement, you know, I'm presupposing here to something that's more rooted in community and purpose and belonging.
00:23:20.440 --> 00:23:22.519
What was that evolution for you?
00:23:23.960 --> 00:23:26.600
Well, success, I think, is a subjective term.
00:23:26.759 --> 00:23:30.200
And I talked about that recently, actually, with a member of my team.
00:23:30.360 --> 00:23:36.920
And I said, I don't like necessarily concentrating on a demographic that is described that way.
00:23:37.080 --> 00:23:39.880
I talk a lot to independent, successful women.
00:23:40.200 --> 00:23:43.160
And I said, I don't know, I'm I'm hung up on this word.
00:23:43.480 --> 00:23:51.400
And someone said to me, but that is up for everyone else to decide what their version of success looks like.
00:23:51.640 --> 00:23:57.240
I may define my own success a certain way, but that's not someone else's definition of it.
00:23:57.480 --> 00:23:59.240
And I love that reframe.
00:23:59.400 --> 00:24:06.040
And I think you probably work with people like that too, Mo, where you're not telling them what the definition of success is.
00:24:06.120 --> 00:24:08.840
You're asking them, what does that look like for you?
00:24:09.080 --> 00:24:12.120
And for me and my life, that has changed over time.
00:24:12.279 --> 00:24:14.120
Like you said, it's an evolution.
00:24:14.360 --> 00:24:17.720
I thought I was going to be a young girl getting married and having kids.
00:24:17.800 --> 00:24:20.519
And here I am at 40, never married, never had kids.
00:24:20.600 --> 00:24:23.160
I never thought that that was going to be the case.
00:24:23.320 --> 00:24:27.560
In my mind, it was success if I got married and had children.
00:24:27.720 --> 00:24:49.640
It took a long time for me to realize that I was really putting myself through so much shame and blame and embarrassment and um sadness, you know, which of course you you can feel all your feelings, but I was I was swimming in it for far too long because I felt like I had failed in some way because I hadn't done those things.
00:24:49.800 --> 00:24:57.240
Here I am still not having done those things, but there's things that I would like to do in that way.
00:24:57.480 --> 00:25:05.480
I would like those things to happen, but I've learned where faith and timing all come into it.
00:25:05.720 --> 00:25:11.720
So that's a long-winded way of saying my definition of all of these things have changed.
00:25:11.800 --> 00:25:24.040
And I don't think people probably expected me to answer that talking about my personal life in terms of marital status or children, but success is not always measured by the money that you make or the career title that you have.
00:25:26.200 --> 00:25:32.360
And that's definitely the foundation this podcast is built on just your own definition of success.
00:25:32.680 --> 00:25:41.720
And I always say that a lot of times people are quote unquote successful and miserable because it's someone else's definition.
00:25:42.360 --> 00:25:47.240
Sometimes we think we're successful when in reality it's stressful.
00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:53.960
You've spent a lot of years teaching people how to build their villages.
00:25:54.440 --> 00:25:57.880
When in your life did you need your village the most?
00:25:58.279 --> 00:26:03.080
And what happened for you because people showed up for you in that moment?
00:26:04.120 --> 00:26:07.640
When I was 35, I decided to freeze my eggs.
00:26:07.800 --> 00:26:12.120
I'm glad that I actually just talked about my marital status because now this is a nice through line.
00:26:12.360 --> 00:26:18.920
When I was 35, I froze my eggs because I had made myself a promise when I was 30 at my 30th birthday party.
00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:22.040
Actually, it was a joint birthday party with one of my best girlfriends.
00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:29.800
And I was standing on this rooftop in Chicago and I was looking out at this beautiful city, and I'd had maybe a couple cocktails, Mo.
00:26:30.200 --> 00:26:38.680
And I said out loud to her, if by the time I'm 35, I have not gotten married and have had children, I'm gonna freeze my eggs.
00:26:38.920 --> 00:26:41.880
So five years later, I still wasn't married, had no children.
00:26:42.040 --> 00:26:45.400
I said, Oh, time to make good on that promise, Florence Ann.
00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:46.600
So I did.
00:26:46.759 --> 00:26:49.560
I did go through IVF a few different rounds.
00:26:49.640 --> 00:26:53.880
I was deciding whether or not I wanted to be a single mom by choice.
00:26:54.040 --> 00:26:58.680
If I wanted to create embryos with donor sperm, I did end up doing that.
00:26:58.759 --> 00:27:05.080
I also did a retrieval where I have eggs that are not fertilized in case I do get married and want to fertilize them with my husband.
00:27:05.320 --> 00:27:06.440
So I did everything.
00:27:06.600 --> 00:27:07.720
I did all of it.
00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:12.519
But while I was going through this, it was very trying.
00:27:12.680 --> 00:27:18.040
My hormones were raging, my mind was foggy, I was very emotional.
00:27:18.360 --> 00:27:25.640
I it was a very lonely time for me, even though I was surrounded by people because it's you and your body.
00:27:25.960 --> 00:27:31.160
And it's only you that can get yourself through it, even though you have everyone that loves you around you.
00:27:31.400 --> 00:27:36.440
And I am the type of person where I take my friendship seriously.
00:27:36.600 --> 00:27:46.680
I love to be the one that shows up, the one that you call in a crisis, the one you call when your water breaks, you need to be taken to the hospital, the one that you call that I love to be that person.
00:27:46.920 --> 00:27:58.200
And at that time in my life, I was really unable to show up for people the way I used to because I was so I was concentrated so much on this very delicate time.
00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:14.760
And I needed to let people take care of me.
00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:27.800
I needed to let people show up at my house and sit with me on the couch and just chat through how I was feeling, or send me, you know, a comfy blanket in the mail and accept it with love.
00:29:28.120 --> 00:29:32.280
Cozy socks that people would drop off saying, wear these on the day of your egg retrieval.
00:29:32.360 --> 00:29:33.320
I'm thinking of you.
00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:35.000
It was so hard for me, Mo.
00:29:35.160 --> 00:29:41.320
It was so hard for me to let people care for me like that because I like to be the caretaker.
00:29:41.560 --> 00:29:42.680
But it taught me a lot.
00:29:42.840 --> 00:29:43.800
It taught me a lot.
00:29:43.960 --> 00:29:52.520
And it's funny that I had to learn that lesson again with my friend that I mentioned at the top of the show, who I showed up at her house and she said, Finally, I feel like I'm purposeful in your life.
00:29:52.760 --> 00:29:58.760
Clearly, I didn't learn the lesson all the, you know, then, and I needed to learn it again, that I needed to let people in.
00:29:58.920 --> 00:30:01.800
But that was a very, very hard time in my life.
00:30:01.960 --> 00:30:20.120
But it also proved to me the concept that we're discussing today, which is where these seasons happen, and you have to be okay knowing that you may not always be able to be the person that you want to be in other people's villages, and sometimes it's going to be about how they can show up for you.
00:30:22.760 --> 00:30:23.160
Wow.
00:30:23.320 --> 00:30:25.160
Thanks for sharing that.
00:30:26.440 --> 00:30:33.640
So let's say someone's listening to this and they just feel unsupported today as we're listening to this.
00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:39.000
What's the first exercise that they would do to assess the health of their village?
00:30:39.080 --> 00:30:43.800
You know, they may have tons of people around them and feel isolated, as you mentioned before.
00:30:44.200 --> 00:30:47.080
I want you to go through the archetypes that we mentioned.
00:30:47.240 --> 00:30:55.160
I want you to read the definitions of them and figure out if you can cast the people in your life into those roles.
00:30:55.320 --> 00:31:01.320
And then once you do that and you step back, you go, okay, well, hmm, I seem to be missing a few people here.
00:31:01.400 --> 00:31:11.000
And maybe that's why I'm going to sleep with this heaviness in my heart, waking up with it too, feeling unfulfilled, feeling unseen, unheard, you know, misunderstood.
00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:13.880
Um, and maybe that's where the gaps are.
00:31:14.120 --> 00:31:23.400
So casting your people in your life, the low-hanging fruit right now that you have into these roles is gonna help reveal where the gaps are.
00:31:23.480 --> 00:31:32.840
And then that's where you start to get surgical, where the gaps are, and then casting people specifically for those roles if you feel like that's where they're missing.
00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:34.040
Right.
00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:39.240
So you gave the scenario where you move from Chicago to your hometown.
00:31:39.480 --> 00:31:42.600
Yes, which is only about 30 minutes outside the city.
00:31:43.080 --> 00:31:45.880
But even still, but you move from Chicago to your hometown.
00:31:46.360 --> 00:31:54.600
Now, I guess what I'm trying to ask is if there are scenarios where one has to rebuild their village, yes.
00:31:54.920 --> 00:32:00.600
Do you sort of use Zoom and whatnot and just keep your original village, the phone and Zoom?
00:32:00.840 --> 00:32:05.160
Or is it more like a touch and see type thing, meeting for coffees and whatnot?
00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:08.280
How does one go about rebuilding their village?
00:32:08.840 --> 00:32:12.440
Rebuilding your village happens multiple times in your life sometimes.
00:32:12.600 --> 00:32:15.160
Like I'd mentioned before, maybe there's a divorce.
00:32:15.400 --> 00:32:25.880
And sometimes in divorce, especially between a man and a woman, the man seems to lose more of the social circle than the woman does, because the woman usually is the one in charge of the calendar.
00:32:26.040 --> 00:32:27.960
And I can tell you this from personal experience.
00:32:28.120 --> 00:32:29.080
My parents are divorced.
00:32:29.240 --> 00:32:31.240
My parents have been divorced for six years.
00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:33.400
They were married for 40, 4-0.
00:32:34.120 --> 00:32:43.160
And my dad said that that was probably one of the hardest parts of the divorce, other than, you know, losing my mom, was losing a lot of his friendships.
00:32:43.240 --> 00:32:46.600
He didn't realize he depended on my mom for those friendships.
00:32:46.920 --> 00:32:51.240
And so he has had to rebuild his village, but he's in his 70s.
00:32:51.400 --> 00:32:53.560
It's not easy at his age to do that.
00:32:53.720 --> 00:32:56.680
He doesn't want to put in the effort that it takes to do that.
00:32:56.920 --> 00:33:01.480
Sometimes I feel like people feel that friendship is more for the young.
00:33:01.800 --> 00:33:08.360
And so if you are rebuilding your life and it's not a divorce situation, let's say you move to an entirely different city.
00:33:08.520 --> 00:33:12.840
One of my best girlfriends from college moved from Chicago to Houston, Texas.
00:33:13.000 --> 00:33:16.520
And she called me when she got there and she said, How do I do this?
00:33:16.680 --> 00:33:18.920
I don't know a soul here, you know.
00:33:19.080 --> 00:33:20.760
And I miss everybody.
00:33:20.840 --> 00:33:22.200
I miss my whole life there.
00:33:22.280 --> 00:33:24.440
All my cousins, all my friends were in Chicago.
00:33:24.600 --> 00:33:27.880
Gave her a lot of credit for, you know, doing the right thing for her family.
00:33:28.040 --> 00:33:30.120
Her husband needed to move there for his job.
00:33:30.360 --> 00:33:35.000
And it took her a while to build the village that she has now, but she put herself out there.
00:33:35.160 --> 00:33:39.240
I said, You need to go and you need to join things at your kids' school.
00:33:39.400 --> 00:33:41.560
You need to get involved with the PTA.
00:33:41.800 --> 00:33:50.280
You need to go and have couples dinners with your husband, with people that work at the same company as his and start to form relationships with those wives.
00:33:50.360 --> 00:33:54.280
You know, you need to go to your neighbors and drop off a little gift and say, hey, we just moved.
00:33:54.360 --> 00:33:56.360
Here's my phone number, my email address.
00:33:56.520 --> 00:33:57.640
I'd love to get together.
00:33:57.720 --> 00:33:59.560
And then you need to put in the effort.
00:33:59.800 --> 00:34:09.079
That's the hardest part, I think, Mo for people when it comes to this work is none of this is going to happen without you putting the effort into it.
00:34:09.240 --> 00:34:12.360
So I always say to people, I can give you all these directions.
00:34:12.440 --> 00:34:12.840
And I do.
00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:18.440
I wrote a whole book about it, but I can't make you get in the car and drive there.
00:34:18.760 --> 00:34:20.119
You have to do it for yourself.
00:34:20.200 --> 00:34:22.840
So you have to ask yourself, how badly do I want this?
00:34:23.079 --> 00:34:25.639
How badly do I want this to change?
00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:29.240
And if you do, then the tools are there for you.
00:34:29.400 --> 00:34:43.000
But so often, Mo, so often people will complain to me about the fact that they don't have this village, they don't have these people, but they don't want to put the work into actually finding them because that's what?
00:34:43.320 --> 00:34:44.360
Vulnerability.
00:34:44.519 --> 00:34:46.440
That's putting yourself out there.
00:34:46.599 --> 00:34:49.159
That is not comfortable for a lot of people.
00:34:50.519 --> 00:34:58.679
That is such an important distinction, really being part of the process and putting yourself out there for others and having that reciprocity.
00:34:58.760 --> 00:35:01.320
That's really a great distinction, Florence Anne.
00:35:01.960 --> 00:35:04.920
You encourage people to ask for help in general.
00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:08.920
You know, let's be interdependent versus independent.
00:35:09.320 --> 00:35:14.119
What's the hardest example of help that you've had to reach out to someone for?
00:35:16.119 --> 00:35:17.800
Oh, the hardest example.
00:35:17.960 --> 00:35:19.960
Uh I would say that.
00:35:21.399 --> 00:35:26.519
Well, I go to go back to the story with one of my best friends I told you about when I showed up at her house.
00:35:26.839 --> 00:35:37.879
That was very difficult for me because the issue I was having with the other friend, I felt so embarrassed about the criticism that that friend was making toward me.
00:35:38.039 --> 00:35:39.960
I didn't want to say it out loud.
00:35:40.439 --> 00:35:52.119
And yeah, even now, even months later, after that, it's hard for me to put myself back on her couch because I can feel my stomach kind of churn a bit.
00:35:52.439 --> 00:35:54.679
Because you don't want to admit anything.
00:35:54.839 --> 00:36:03.319
And not that I was admitting I had done anything necessarily wrong, but the criticism that was being hurled toward me embarrassed me.
00:36:03.480 --> 00:36:07.559
And I couldn't believe that I was on the receiving end of something like that.
00:36:08.119 --> 00:36:17.319
And saying it out loud, even though this person is one of my best friends in the world, I still had a hard time being vulnerable.
00:36:17.559 --> 00:36:19.480
That's very recent, very recent.
00:36:19.559 --> 00:36:23.879
And so I want people out there to understand, you know, look, that was just a few months ago for me.
00:36:23.960 --> 00:36:30.919
I'm not saying, oh, this was 15 years ago, and I've never had this problem since then, having a problem asking for help or revealing something.
00:36:31.159 --> 00:36:36.679
No, I still have to, you know, sharpen my teeth the same way everybody else does.
00:36:37.879 --> 00:36:42.679
I like that so much that it to make clear that it's a continuous process.
00:36:42.839 --> 00:36:43.079
Right.
00:36:43.239 --> 00:36:52.679
And even someone like yourself that teaches the process and you literally taught it and teach it nationwide and internationally, it's still a continuum even for yourself.
00:36:52.919 --> 00:36:57.159
Again, we want to create a transformation from this conversation.
00:36:57.399 --> 00:37:01.959
And you mentioned going to the exercises, looking at different archetypes.
00:37:02.199 --> 00:37:07.159
If someone's listening to this and they feel stuck, they feel lonely, they feel disconnected, right?
00:37:07.399 --> 00:37:08.199
What's a question?
00:37:08.359 --> 00:37:13.959
It might even be a hard question for themselves, but what's a question that they should be asking themselves?
00:37:14.599 --> 00:37:19.959
Well, it's not as much a question as I want to give you a directive, I want to give you a prompt.
00:37:20.279 --> 00:37:28.999
When people feel like they literally have no idea how to start this, what to do, where to go, they are starting from scratch.
00:37:29.319 --> 00:37:31.719
My best advice is philanthropy.
00:37:32.039 --> 00:37:42.359
I always say that if you don't know how to connect, if you are feeling that disconnection, that you need to look at what makes your heart flutter, what's important to you.
00:37:42.519 --> 00:37:46.999
Throw it into Google, see what exists in your community where you can give back.
00:37:47.159 --> 00:37:49.239
It's not writing a massive check.
00:37:49.399 --> 00:37:51.559
It's where can you get your hands dirty?
00:37:51.719 --> 00:37:55.319
Where can you show up somewhere that you can be helpful, where you can serve?
00:37:55.559 --> 00:38:02.279
Because if you do that, then all of a sudden you're gonna be in a group of people that are like-minded, have similar values.
00:38:02.439 --> 00:38:06.439
And without you tapping someone on the shoulder saying, Hey, do you want to be my friend?
00:38:06.679 --> 00:38:16.759
you're gonna be in an environment that's not very threatening, that you're probably going to start creating relationships naturally because you're both there and you already have something in common.
00:38:16.919 --> 00:38:23.159
So if you feel like right now you do not know what to do, you do not know the first step to take.
00:38:23.319 --> 00:38:25.319
I just gave you your first step.
00:38:26.439 --> 00:38:28.439
That is such a powerful first step as well.
00:38:28.519 --> 00:38:29.479
You know, serve.
00:38:30.039 --> 00:38:37.479
Obviously, it's not with the intention of reciprocity, like whole trading, yes, but serve, serve, serve, serve, serve.
00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:39.159
You're in that environment, it comes back.
00:38:39.479 --> 00:38:40.759
It's such a great distinction.
00:38:40.919 --> 00:38:41.639
Thank you for that.
00:38:42.039 --> 00:38:44.519
So we're way in the future, 20 years from now.
00:38:44.599 --> 00:38:46.439
Is 20 years way in the future, really?
00:38:48.439 --> 00:38:57.159
Feel short when people reflect on your work, yeah, and your message, and what do you want them to remember?
00:38:57.799 --> 00:39:11.159
Not even so much about building a village, but how to live a meaningful life that's interdependent versus independent and not feeling uh guilty about it.
00:39:11.239 --> 00:39:13.799
Like it's it's fine not to try and do this yourself.
00:39:14.039 --> 00:39:18.279
How would you like to be remembered and your people to reflect on your work given that?
00:39:19.319 --> 00:39:20.599
Oh, a couple things.
00:39:20.759 --> 00:39:25.399
I think I'd like to be remembered as a person that knew how to love.
00:39:25.639 --> 00:39:30.839
If someone just said that about me in a eulogy, that would make me very happy that she knew how to love.
00:39:31.159 --> 00:39:36.439
Maya Angelou's quote, people forget what you said, what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.
00:39:36.679 --> 00:39:46.359
I think waking up every day and and concentrating on how you make people feel, and also how you make yourself feel is very important.
00:39:46.519 --> 00:39:51.239
And third, you mentioned this, but I want to expand on it more.
00:39:51.399 --> 00:39:53.159
You talked about that guilt.
00:39:54.039 --> 00:39:58.039
I want people to understand that they're worthy of this.
00:39:58.279 --> 00:40:07.799
You are worthy of love, you are worthy of being part of something, and that it's not a failure if you need to ask for that help.
00:40:08.039 --> 00:40:16.359
And that I think oftentimes when it comes to village, people think that if I wasn't born into it, then I'm a goner.
00:40:16.599 --> 00:40:19.639
I'm here to encourage you to say, you can build it for yourself.
00:40:19.799 --> 00:40:24.119
I want to empower you to say no, you get to choose at a certain point.
00:40:24.439 --> 00:40:39.479
And so making yourself the hero in this scenario, you know, that you can control this, that you can take some of your power back, maybe when you feel like you've lost some of it, that's all very important to me.
00:40:39.719 --> 00:40:50.839
So I hope in 20 years, if my work is remembered, it is that people felt like no matter what they were born into, they were worthy of finding connection.
00:40:52.759 --> 00:40:54.759
That is so outstanding, Florence Anne.
00:40:54.919 --> 00:41:01.879
And I really love the way that using your example, you've grown up in a multi-how did you phrase it?
00:41:02.199 --> 00:41:05.639
Multi-generational multi-generational household.
00:41:05.879 --> 00:41:15.239
And then sometimes we grow up and we go, oh, I grew up in a multi-generational household, meaning surrounded just by love and by people and just everyone.
00:41:15.479 --> 00:41:15.719
Right.
00:41:15.959 --> 00:41:26.839
And then you've given this formula to go, well, you can actually form a multi-generational village, if you will, and have all of that and more, even still.
00:41:26.999 --> 00:41:29.559
And you've given us the frameworks and the formula.
00:41:29.799 --> 00:41:31.959
So that is so outstanding here.
00:41:32.359 --> 00:41:37.719
If someone wants to learn more about you, read your book, which I recommend, by the way.
00:41:38.039 --> 00:41:40.279
How do we now find out more about you?
00:41:40.599 --> 00:41:41.239
Would you say?
00:41:41.639 --> 00:41:43.959
My website, Florenceanne.com.
00:41:44.359 --> 00:41:47.079
Everything and more that we talked about is available there.
00:41:47.239 --> 00:41:49.879
But I like to think of myself as your virtual village.
00:41:50.039 --> 00:41:53.319
So if you find me on social media, Florence Romano, DM me.
00:41:53.399 --> 00:41:54.759
I answer every DM.
00:41:55.079 --> 00:42:05.239
And if you need someone to talk to and figure out what to do to take your first step, I am so happy to be that person virtually for you.
00:42:05.319 --> 00:42:07.159
So please do reach out.
00:42:08.039 --> 00:42:08.679
Awesome.
00:42:08.919 --> 00:42:14.279
Florence, it's been so outstanding having you as a guest here on Purpose Driven Success.
00:42:14.519 --> 00:42:18.999
And we look forward to following your work and seeing where you take it even further.
00:42:19.079 --> 00:42:20.039
It's so outstanding.
00:42:20.279 --> 00:42:21.079
Thank you, Mo.
00:42:21.159 --> 00:42:22.759
Well, Ditto, right back at you.
00:42:22.839 --> 00:42:24.999
Can't wait to see the places you'll go.
00:42:25.799 --> 00:42:26.279
Awesome.
00:42:26.439 --> 00:42:27.079
All the best.
00:42:27.159 --> 00:42:27.639
Ciao.
00:42:27.799 --> 00:42:28.439
You too.
00:42:28.599 --> 00:42:29.479
Bye-bye.
00:42:30.439 --> 00:42:33.719
Thank you for listening to Purpose Driven Success with Mo Salami.
00:42:34.039 --> 00:42:37.959
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00:42:38.119 --> 00:42:41.159
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00:42:41.319 --> 00:42:45.479
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00:42:45.639 --> 00:42:52.359
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00:42:52.519 --> 00:42:59.879
Next week we'll have another amazing guest, so stay tuned for even more real stories and actionable insights.
00:43:00.119 --> 00:43:08.759
Work on your mindset, work on your skill set, and always move in the direction of the result you want before you see the result you want.
00:43:08.919 --> 00:43:12.439
And until next time, do the best you can consistently.
00:43:12.759 --> 00:43:13.559
Ciao.
