S1E5: Only In Small Doses

WEBVTT
00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:13.279
Hi, I'm Heidi Stark and this is Pretty Red Flags the Podcast, Episode 5.
00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:16.000
This podcast is three things in one.
00:00:16.239 --> 00:00:24.320
A true crime story, because 99.9% of this actually happened, an audio book, because I'm reading the chapters of this actual duet.
00:00:24.559 --> 00:00:32.880
And a survivor testimony, because this survivor is sharing what actually happened, providing more context, including what occurred beyond the book.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:44.960
To date, Margot has made the brave decision to leave a depressing corporate life in a loveless relationship in San Francisco and move to Sunset K, which we know to be Hawaii, to pursue her dream of being a writer.
00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:52.159
She's met Timmy, a guy who's showering her with affection and who truly sees her, even if he does have some interesting quirks.
00:00:52.399 --> 00:01:00.560
It's the very early stages of their relationship, maybe a week or a week and a half in or so at this point, and things are moving very quickly.
00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:03.840
Chapter 22 Knives and Bones.
00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:08.799
There's something morbidly fascinating about Timmy's attachment to all his bones and blades.
00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:17.359
In addition to the knife he always carries, a switch blade, he's got a full pair of deer antlers, and the deer spine necklace I recognize from his tinder profile.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:21.200
The antlers are huge and pointy, and the necklace is pretty sharp too, actually.
00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:23.680
It's like a lay but made of animal bones.
00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:27.920
And he also has a deer skull with antlers attached.
00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:29.040
Definitely weird.
00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:32.400
He wears the antlers and the vertebrae necklace around a lot.
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:35.760
It's like he's reenacting some primeval rite.
00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:39.920
The odd part isn't just that he wears them out in public or at all.
00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:47.120
It's the pride he takes in them, a glow that crosses his face whenever he describes how he hunted the deer and stripped its bones.
00:01:47.439 --> 00:01:49.040
Okay, I guess I kind of get it.
00:01:49.120 --> 00:01:51.040
He's proud of it, his first time hunting.
00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:57.200
I'm not opposed to hunting per se, especially when the meat is utilized, and clearly these items bring him joy.
00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:00.480
But it's definitely unusual to wear antlers and a spine around.
00:02:00.719 --> 00:02:05.519
He also has a different necklace with beads and deer claws, hooves, something like that.
00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:08.319
And one day he randomly gifts the claw necklace to me.
00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:09.439
He puts it around my neck.
00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:10.560
This is for you, he says.
00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:11.759
I want you to have it.
00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:13.280
Thanks, I say.
00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:21.759
I'm not really a big wearer of dead animals, but I don't judge people who wear the leather or fur super harshly, I suppose, although I prefer the faux versions for myself.
00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:23.439
Just a Timmy quirk.
00:02:23.840 --> 00:02:29.439
He brings the antlers and spine necklace over and stores them in my apartment so he can wear them on a regular basis.
00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:32.560
I don't love them being there, but they're not hurting anyone.
00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:38.080
I always carry a knife, Timmy says casually, indicating the sharp blade hanging from the top of his board shorts.
00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:40.560
You never know when you might need it around here.
00:02:40.800 --> 00:02:51.280
The knife itself, sinister and sharp with its dark handle and silver detailing, seems more suited for a survival show than the busy streets of Sunset K lined with restaurants and beach shops.
00:02:51.439 --> 00:02:56.639
I glance around the tourist district where the biggest threat is usually an overpriced meal or sunburn.
00:02:56.960 --> 00:02:58.159
Okay, why exactly?
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:01.280
I give him side eye, like for construction work or something else.
00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:08.080
Things happen around here, he explains, his voice low, glancing around as if he's used to spotting trouble before anyone else.
00:03:08.319 --> 00:03:09.360
You'd be surprised.
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:11.919
I like to be prepared to intervene if I have to.
00:03:12.080 --> 00:03:16.879
It sounds a bit over the top, but then again, I know people carry self-defense items all the time.
00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:20.400
Hell, isn't this the country where people carry guns around just in case?
00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:28.159
I know I've carried pepper spray and catty or keychains that could poke someone if needed, so a knife seems reasonable and useful, I suppose.
00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:31.840
He's always cutting leaves off things to make lays and whatnot too.
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:39.599
Intervene, I laughed nervously, wonder if he wondering if he's exaggerating or if there's some hidden world in these streets that I just haven't seen yet.
00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:42.159
You mean like defend yourself or something?
00:03:42.400 --> 00:03:43.840
He shrugs, smirking a little.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:48.719
I mean yeah, like I'd like to be able to defend you if some weird people started following us or starting a fight.
00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:51.520
It happens, you know, and it's better to be prepared.
00:03:51.759 --> 00:03:58.719
There's a flash of something in his eyes, like he's playing out a scene in his mind, and it's oddly both unsettling and reassuring.
00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:05.439
It does around here, while there are definitely people up to no good here, just like anywhere else, they tend to stick to themselves.
00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:14.400
There's a heavy police presence to protect tourists, and I haven't really felt in danger, except when I've accidentally wandered down a dark alley trying to find a restaurant or something.
00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:18.399
Yeah, once I actually saved a girl, he says earnestly, his eyes lighting up.
00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.079
Her boyfriend was strangling her.
00:04:20.160 --> 00:04:25.120
I jumped over a bush and punched him in the face and then distracted him with my knife while she ran away to safety.
00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:26.639
I gasp.
00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:28.959
Oh wow, that was heroic of you.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:33.759
Yeah, he tried to fight me, but I pulled out my knife to show him I wasn't playing around, he explains.
00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:37.439
So I always think it's important to carry it and have it readily available.
00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:40.720
That sounds intense, I say, because it really does.
00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:47.920
I've lived in several big cities around the country where crime rates are known for being high, and I don't remember anyone I know ever having carried a knife around.
00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:50.639
Peppers, maybe, but never a weapon.
00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:54.879
But maybe lots of people I've known have carried knives and they've just kept them concealed.
00:04:55.120 --> 00:04:59.360
Harder for Timmy, whose signature uniform is board shorts, no shirt, no shoes.
00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:03.759
Besides, he knows this island way better than me, and I've mainly stuck to the tourist spots.
00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:08.240
Maybe things get a little rowdier, a little less heavily policed where the locals hang out.
00:05:08.639 --> 00:05:14.160
He continues, you wouldn't believe some of the things I've had to do, some of the things I've seen.
00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:19.040
His words come out of nowhere, and there's a darkness about him that I haven't really seen before.
00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:22.879
I've spent so many nights in game rooms and other shady places.
00:05:22.959 --> 00:05:26.959
I've sold drugs and festival balls and all sorts of things I needed to.
00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:30.399
He's making himself sound like a tough guy out of an action movie.
00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:33.120
Um, well, okay, what's a festival ball?
00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:36.319
It's a big firework, very loud, beautiful when it goes off.
00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:38.639
What's a game room, like an arcade?
00:05:38.879 --> 00:05:39.439
Kind of.
00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:42.319
It's where all the gang members and drug dealers go to launder money.
00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:48.160
There's gambling and all sorts of stuff going on, and you can hire people to take care of certain things.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:50.240
Oh, I see, I frown.
00:05:50.399 --> 00:05:52.079
Well I'm glad you're not doing that anymore.
00:05:52.319 --> 00:05:53.759
He looks almost wistful.
00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:56.879
When someone really fucks up on this island, they sometimes get dealt with.
00:05:56.959 --> 00:05:58.000
There's a wood chipper.
00:05:58.800 --> 00:05:59.759
A wood chipper?
00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:04.079
I flinch at the thought, immediately understanding he's not talking about using it to process wood.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:08.879
He nods a dark gleam in his eye as if he's proud to know the gritty details most people don't.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:13.279
Can you imagine what a human body looks like being processed through a wood chipper?
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:15.120
What that sounds like?
00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:18.079
My mind flashes back to a movie where that happened.
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:21.199
I can't remember which one, but I remember what it looked like and I shiver.
00:06:21.439 --> 00:06:23.439
I guess I can, but I don't really want to.
00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:26.000
I guess like a meat grinder, but for humans?
00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:32.560
It's very loud and very disturbing to watch, he nods, his mouth pressed together in a grim line, his eyes gleaming.
00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:43.360
But it's also very quick, efficient, and there's little to no chance of anyone ever identifying the body because it's in tiny little pieces, and it gets scattered around and buried in mulch like regular fertilizer.
00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:45.839
That's how we take care of things around here.
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:47.439
He looks wistful again.
00:06:47.680 --> 00:06:50.480
I'm pretty sure he's full of shit, so I change the subject.
00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:54.879
He's a storyteller, and I imagine that kind of talk impresses some of his male buddies.
00:06:55.040 --> 00:06:58.800
But I just think it's him being a weirdo, and it's making me feel uncomfortable.
00:06:58.959 --> 00:07:02.000
If anything, I might be able to use it in a book, I suppose.
00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:04.879
I try to laugh it off, but there's an unease that lingers.
00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:14.240
I'm assuming he's just pulling my leg, but the glint of pride or something like satisfaction in his expression makes me wonder just how close he's really been to things like that.
00:07:15.199 --> 00:07:25.680
My reaction to this chapter, Timmy was obsessed with the antlers and the vertebrae necklace, as well as the one with hoobs or whatever they were, and he was always wearing them or misplacing them and looking for them.
00:07:25.839 --> 00:07:28.720
And he always, always had a knife on him, usually two.
00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:39.439
It's actually very creepy based on what we'll come to learn that he always was so obsessed with having a knife and that I wrote this before things happened after the book through written.
00:07:39.680 --> 00:07:41.360
It's actually quite chilling.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:48.240
So he would often misplace those knives and he would get super anxious until he found at least one of them again.
00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:55.600
He would repeat the stories about hunting over and over again and the way he stripped the bones from the deer that he hunted on Wolke.
00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:59.120
And he still had deer in his freezer that he'd cook on occasion.
00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:02.480
He often said how much he wanted to go back again and kill another deer.
00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:10.319
And he leaned on the humaneness of it all by how he used every part of the meat and how he, of course, wore the bones as fashion accessories.
00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:18.720
I found it really weird when he gave me the necklace because soon after he took it back and didn't seem to remember giving it to me, even though he made such a big deal.
00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:20.319
I was totally fine with that.
00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:26.079
I actually thought it was quite ugly, like a child's bed necklace with some animal body parts attached to it.
00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:31.759
But it was weird that he made such a big show of giving it to me and then seemed to have no recollection of doing that.
00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:38.159
I saw the antlers plenty of times and I was never scared of them, just thought they were vaguely amusing, always out of place.
00:08:38.320 --> 00:08:44.480
They were sharp, and occasionally he'd leave them on the bed and I wouldn't notice, and I'd hop onto the bed and they'd dig into me.
00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:47.840
But otherwise they were just like a weird quirk of his.
00:08:48.399 --> 00:08:54.159
He'd tell me the story of how he used his knife to save this girl on repeat, like he was really proud of it.
00:08:54.399 --> 00:09:01.600
It seemed like such an over-the-top story, but again, at the time it just seemed to be how to me was like a storyteller, a showman, a character.
00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:03.440
And he was super handy.
00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:09.919
So his job was obviously, you know, renovating condos or detailing cars, and both of those things are pretty hands-on.
00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:19.759
And he was always chopping up leaves and flowers and weaving things and volunteering to help friends to kind of landscape their gardens and do all kinds of things like that.
00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:26.000
So it wasn't like he was walking around with a machete or anything, and like the knife did serve many purposes.
00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:34.639
He did talk about the dark side of the island a lot, and he would name drop certain people who were known for selling drugs or being involved in other criminal activity.
00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:41.360
But at the time, I got the vibe that he was really just bignoting himself and how close he was to those people.
00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:53.039
Like he might be aware of them, possibly vice versa, but more so by virtue of having grown up on the same small island, rather than actually being colleagues or BFFs with any of these people.
00:09:53.679 --> 00:10:01.120
The festival ball and game room stories are also come up a lot, but his stories didn't really line up, so I wasn't too worried about it.
00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:06.639
Like he had his two jobs, and it sounded like something that maybe he'd been involved in in the past.
00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:18.720
There's one night I remember very early on that he got really dark about it, though, and his face kind of shifted as he talked about how he needed to go back into the game rooms and make money doing this stuff.
00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:22.159
But I put it down to him having had a few drinks at the time.
00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:26.960
The wood chipper conversation still kind of gives me chills when I think about it.
00:10:27.039 --> 00:10:34.399
I I think he'd watched too many horror movies, and I still think he made it up, but he was so convincing and almost excited about it.
00:10:34.639 --> 00:10:40.960
It was once again like he'd almost convinced himself that he'd actually watched bodies being fed into a wood chipper.
00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:45.679
In hindsight, some of these things were red flags.
00:10:45.840 --> 00:11:00.159
Clearly, I'm grouping them all together for you in a sequence, but his stories did flow in quick succession, interspersed with much lighter topics, gorgeous weather, other distractions, and it was split off enough that they sounded like individual little snippets, not glaring warning signs.
00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:18.000
Like if these things had all happened in a row, and it hadn't been jokes and laughter and swimming and nice walks outside and going to restaurants and bars and just, you know, having a really good time around those things, obviously it would have been like, I can't even be around this person.
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:24.240
But he threaded them into all this other stuff, so it was hard to see the full picture.
00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:27.440
Chapter 23.
00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:29.360
He likes my other cat too.
00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:32.399
Let me take you to see your cat, Timmy says, smiling at me.
00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:33.360
Would you mind?
00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:36.399
I feel my eyes grow large at the prospect of seeing my baby.
00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:37.759
He kisses me on my forehead.
00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:39.200
I'd seriously love to.
00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:43.679
So we hop into his truck and it's so fun driving with Timmy, different from what I'm used to.
00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:50.720
He cranks the stereo and plays all sorts of songs I've never heard before, exposing me to new music as well as some songs I do know.
00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:52.559
It feels so free.
00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:55.600
One of my joys has always been driving around listening to music.
00:11:55.679 --> 00:12:02.080
I love music in general, and it's with a bit of shock that when I think about it, I realize I didn't really listen to it for the past six years or so.
00:12:02.320 --> 00:12:08.080
My ex only liked to listen to music he made himself, and he'd seem offended when I'd want to listen to anything else.
00:12:08.320 --> 00:12:17.120
He was also adamant about not listening to music while driving, again, unless it was his own, so I gave up that joy, and I'd really not given it much thought until now.
00:12:17.279 --> 00:12:26.080
But Timmy's like my own personal DJ, playing everything from classical rap to the latest EDM and house pop, RB, even reggae and local sunset K jams.
00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:28.639
I feel like my mind is being re-expanded.
00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:40.480
As we drive, Timmy leans back casually, one hand on the steering wheel, the other gesturing as he talks and occasionally lands it on my thigh, bouncing from topic to topic as the songs change.
00:12:40.720 --> 00:12:48.320
He has a way of describing things that almost feels like he's pulling them out of a dream, mixing memories with imagination, past and present.
00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:55.679
The way he talks, it's like everything is happening now, and I keep having to mentally rewind and sort through what he means.
00:12:56.159 --> 00:13:00.000
You know the kids, they get me to do this all the time, he laughs, gesturing at the radio.
00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:02.159
Turn it up, louder, louder they'll demand.
00:13:02.320 --> 00:13:05.840
And they're all in the back screaming like at some kind of dance club.
00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:07.279
All right, the kids?
00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:08.879
I replied trying to follow along.
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:10.879
Which kids are you talking about again?
00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:12.799
Oh, back at Darren's place.
00:13:12.879 --> 00:13:16.399
I live in the room next door to him, and my ex's kids are always listening to music.
00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:17.759
Skateboarding around the yard.
00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:19.759
I swear my daughter's gonna be like that.
00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:22.639
I frown slightly, sorting through his mix of words.
00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:27.519
Does he mean kids he might have one day or actual kids that exist now?
00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:29.360
Wait, your daughter?
00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:31.279
You mean if you have a daughter?
00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:32.240
Yes, exactly.
00:13:32.480 --> 00:13:33.840
He glances over and winks.
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:36.480
I just know she'd be skateboarding, a tomboy.
00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:38.399
I nod, catching up slowly.
00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:39.519
Got it.
00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:42.080
Her hypothetical future daughter.
00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:45.440
A little puzzle piece falls into place, although not quite snugly.
00:13:45.679 --> 00:13:46.879
He smiles, yep.
00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:48.960
Oh, I say, so you don't have kids.
00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:50.799
No, no, he says quickly.
00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:53.360
I get it now, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
00:13:53.519 --> 00:13:54.720
And you live with Maddie.
00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:57.039
You don't still live with Darren, that was a while ago, right?
00:13:57.279 --> 00:14:00.480
Exactly, he flashes a grin like I've solved some sort of mystery.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:02.159
It was Darren's ex's house.
00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:10.720
We all lived there, and then I lived at my ex's place, and her kid lived there, and his friends would be over all the time, and then I moved out to Maddie's a couple of months before you got here.
00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:16.720
It's starting to feel like a language all his own, a peculiar mix of nostalgia and daydreams.
00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:22.960
Timmy's stories flow around us like a stream, and I'm content to wait in it, letting his disjointed words wash over me.
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:26.240
When he talks, there's no need for anything to be clear or linear.
00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:29.200
It's all part of the ride, part of the way he experiences life.
00:14:29.440 --> 00:14:34.639
A little chaotic, a little random, with memories and dreams just blending in together.
00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:37.039
Ever been swimming with the dolphins?
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:39.039
he asks, changing subjects entirely.
00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:41.039
No, but I've always wanted to, I reply.
00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:46.080
Ah, that's too bad, we'll fix that, he says, his own train of thought seemingly back in some ocean memory.
00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:47.360
I've been a few times.
00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:49.759
What about surfing with a dog on a surfboard?
00:14:49.840 --> 00:14:51.919
I laugh, no, I can't say that I have.
00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:54.639
Darren's a champ at that, you'll have to see it one day.
00:14:54.799 --> 00:14:56.559
I grin, picturing it in my head.
00:14:56.799 --> 00:15:02.720
Sounds like a good time, I reply, and he just beams, his eyes on the road, but his mind clearly back in that memory.
00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:08.960
Timmy's words weave a world that doesn't necessarily make sense or line up neatly, but it's carefree just like him.
00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:13.440
I won't overanalyse it, although I'll clearly need to seek clarity from time to time.
00:15:13.679 --> 00:15:19.840
It's Timmy's unique version of reality, one that's endlessly colourful and unpredictable, even if a little confusing.
00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:31.840
I'm so glad you're not from like the middle of America, he says randomly, that you have some knowledge of beach culture, that you can like pronounce things here, native words, that you understand the meaning of how things work over here.
00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:36.720
I couldn't bear to start from scratch with some basic Becky from Utah, he laughs.
00:15:36.879 --> 00:15:39.679
And I smile back, it really does seem serendipitous.
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:44.000
He's so patient with me when it comes to new words, taking the time to explain them.
00:15:44.320 --> 00:15:46.879
He gives examples of how things work in practice.
00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:53.519
But I do feel like I'm starting with a higher baseline than most, solely because of my own upbringing on an island with a similar culture to Sunset K.
00:15:53.840 --> 00:15:57.679
I never expected to find this in a partner and it's uniquely refreshing.
00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:00.720
We pull up to the quarantine facility and I'm nervous.
00:16:00.799 --> 00:16:03.360
The whole pick work situation is a bit confusing.
00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:10.879
I have money orders, but I don't know if they're for the right amount, and I'm just worried there's going to be some technicality where I can't see my sweet baby Saber.
00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:13.600
I miss him, his cuddles, and his purrs.
00:16:13.919 --> 00:16:16.240
At least I know the quarantine facility is nice.
00:16:16.320 --> 00:16:18.559
It's just how the lady at the airport described.
00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:27.919
A little indoor-outdoor type situation where he can see mongoose run past, and of course he has other cats as neighbors, although they're partitioned off so they can't actually see each other.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:35.360
We laugh when we get to Saber's quote, unit, I guess you could call it, because right there on the sign it says, Saber, caution.
00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:39.200
I wonder where he gets that from, Timmy laughs, poking me on the arm.
00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:41.360
That's my cat, I laugh proudly.
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:44.480
He's always been feisty with authority figures and with me.
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:49.519
Sabre, you have visitors, they call out, and he lets out a little meow in response and runs to the door.
00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:52.879
I'm gonna make him feel comfortable around me super quick, Timmy says.
00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:53.600
Watch.
00:16:53.759 --> 00:16:57.759
He lies flat on his back, arms by his side, and I sit on the floor next to him.
00:16:57.919 --> 00:17:01.279
Sabre circles him, sniffing and inspecting him from every angle.
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:03.679
This is how we train dogs, Timmy explains.
00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:06.640
I'm doing this on his terms, making it clear I'm no threat.
00:17:06.880 --> 00:17:08.240
Wow, I say, impressed.
00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:09.200
I've never seen this before.
00:17:09.279 --> 00:17:10.319
That's so cool.
00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:13.839
Saber hops up on his little bench and tucks his paws under himself.
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:18.400
He watches Timmy casually observing him, but he's comfortable enough to be resting around him.
00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:21.680
See, he's already starting to get comfortable with me, says Timmy.
00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:22.640
I smile.
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:25.599
It's important to me that Saber feels comfortable around Timmy.
00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:33.039
After making him go on yet another flight and relocate once again, I feel like making sure he's secure in his own place is the least I can do.
00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:37.039
Five minutes later, Timmy's regaling me with a random story.
00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:39.759
When I was naked, running around the doctor's backyard.
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:42.640
Which doctor's backyard were you running around naked?
00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:45.279
He looks like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:46.160
Uh nobody.
00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:47.200
Suddenly it clicks.
00:17:47.359 --> 00:17:51.039
Wait, you're telling me about running around naked in the backyard of the doctor you were dating?
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:52.960
Why would I want to hear about that?
00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:54.720
It's an unnecessary story.
00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:58.799
Not particularly interesting, and I don't understand why he needed to share this with me.
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:04.400
Is that how they were when they were together, running around naked all the time like a bunch of natrists fucking all the time?
00:18:04.559 --> 00:18:06.960
I feel a knot forming in my stomach.
00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:09.839
Fuck you, he growls, his eyes growing dark.
00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:13.359
Wait, I was just trying to understand, but he doesn't stop.
00:18:13.599 --> 00:18:18.400
He storms out of the quarantine cage and I close the door quickly before Saber can follow him.
00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:23.920
I sit with Saber and give him cuddles and treats, trying not to cry, not really understanding what just happens.
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:26.799
When he returns about 15 minutes later, he's on the phone.
00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:28.799
Yeah, he mutters, his voice slow.
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:29.440
I know.
00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:30.559
He hangs up.
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:31.440
Who is that?
00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:32.160
I ask.
00:18:32.480 --> 00:18:35.279
Darren, not that it's any of your business, he growls.
00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:36.720
Then his voice softens.
00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:38.559
Look, I'm sorry I got upset, he says.
00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:39.759
Can we just go?
00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:41.519
I'm sorry I did too, I say.
00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:43.119
I know you've dated people before me.
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:47.599
I just didn't understand why you didn't tell me that's who you were talking about and why you were telling me this naked story.
00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:50.079
And yes, let's just go, I sigh.
00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:52.559
I give Saber one last cuddle before we leave.
00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:55.359
I'll be back to visit you soon, I say, I promise.
00:18:55.920 --> 00:19:01.599
When we leave and hop into the truck, Timmy brings out the creepy Margo doll that he started carrying around everywhere.
00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:05.519
He hangs it from a fishing lever that dangles from the rearview mirror.
00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:07.359
That's a bit creepy, I say.
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:09.759
It looks like it's literally hanging from a noose.
00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:13.279
That's why it's funny, Timmy laughs, and it looks like you.
00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:17.920
He cranks the stereo on the way back, directing me to play this or that on Spotify.
00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:23.200
Damn, you're a bit of a shit DJ, he teases me as I fumble to find the right songs a couple of times.
00:19:23.359 --> 00:19:30.000
His phone is set up quite differently from mine, and he has a different version of Spotify, so it's just easier to find things on my own phone.
00:19:30.319 --> 00:19:34.079
Stop, I laugh, but it's shallow and I feel heat rising to my face.
00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:35.519
I'm doing my best.
00:19:35.680 --> 00:19:39.839
I know he's only teasing me, but his comment makes me feel just a little bit embarrassed.
00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:43.440
I think he can tell because he takes my hand and glances over at me.
00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:47.119
It's okay, Margo, your DJ skills aren't why I think you're so amazing.
00:19:47.359 --> 00:19:51.359
Everything about you is amazing except for how long it takes you to find songs.
00:19:51.839 --> 00:19:58.400
We drive back to town and Timmy takes the creepy Margo doll from its makeshift noose, and he shoves it upside down in his board shorts.
00:19:58.640 --> 00:20:03.440
I laugh as he walks down the boardwalk with a tiny doll replica of me sticking out of his pants.
00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:08.079
You can just see a bit of the bright red hair along with its legs and boots on full display.
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:09.359
It's ridiculous.
00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:10.480
He's ridiculous.
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:12.480
And I'm having so much fun.
00:20:14.079 --> 00:20:32.559
My reaction to this chapter, um, I think it's one of those situations where where you're in it, it feels very different from looking back, especially after all that happened after it, and something that seemed quite light and low-key, actually developed more meaning over time.
00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:36.319
Uh, it was really sweet when Timmy offered to take me to see Fang.
00:20:36.400 --> 00:20:40.319
He knew how much I was missing him and how guilty I felt about leaving him in quarantine.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:44.480
And it was kind of far from the city, so him driving me there was really helpful.
00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:46.880
And I have a really distinct memory of the drive.
00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:55.519
It's the first time I truly noticed the way his tenses were off and got so flummoxed and frustrated by his stories that I just straight up asked him about whether he had kids.
00:20:55.680 --> 00:21:02.799
I couldn't pick apart from the stories whether he still lived with Darren, which was weird because I'd been to Maddie's house and there was barely room for two of them.
00:21:02.960 --> 00:21:04.240
And I didn't know who the kids were.
00:21:04.319 --> 00:21:05.920
It sounded like he had a daughter, you know.
00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:12.799
I came out of that conversation realizing he just spoke in a really windy, bendy way I'd never heard before, almost like a riddle.
00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:18.240
I still remember him telling the story of being naked at his ex-girlfriend's house.
00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:23.039
He was so excited and he was like he was living in the moment, and it was so unnecessary to tell me that.
00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:25.839
And it just made him feel good to tell the story.
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:30.720
Um, the way his entire tone shifted when I called him out on it was really over the top.
00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:39.039
And it was probably the first time that he got noticeably angry with me and didn't get over it straight away.
00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:46.720
I was gently asking him to change the subject, and he took it like I attacked him and storming off to talk to someone on the phone.
00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:53.039
The way he put the doll up with a rope around its neck dangling from the mirror is really chilling in hindsight.
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:56.000
And then his little dig about me being a shit DJ.
00:21:56.319 --> 00:21:59.759
That sounded light at the time, and I laughed it off, but there was an edge.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.480
To it that wasn't there with his previous gentle teasing.
00:22:05.440 --> 00:22:14.400
In hindsight, it was the second light jabbit that he made at me after the comment he made about my agility on the rocks at the beach and how that would translate to surfing.
00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:19.519
And then those were glossed over both of them under the guise of teasing and joking.
00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:28.799
I've since learned that that's textbook for how this type of person starts, but there was so much lightness around all of these things that it was super easy to overlook them at the time.
00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:37.920
The fact these memories are still so visceral to me now makes me realize how my body recognized them for what they were and or something deep within my mind did too.
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:42.000
Chapter 24.
00:22:42.319 --> 00:22:43.839
Sharing as caring.
00:22:44.079 --> 00:22:45.359
We talk about everything.
00:22:45.519 --> 00:22:46.960
I've never had this before.
00:22:47.279 --> 00:22:52.079
A partner who's genuinely interested in the intricate workings of my mind, my soul.
00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:57.039
He's interested in my deepest fears and regrets as well as my hopes and dreams.
00:22:57.200 --> 00:22:59.200
And Timmy listens, he really listens.
00:22:59.279 --> 00:23:05.119
He leans in, his gorgeous blue eyes locked on mine, as if nothing else in the world exists except for our conversation.
00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:08.640
It feels intoxicating, like a drug I didn't know I needed.
00:23:08.880 --> 00:23:19.039
My exes have never really been into deep conversations, especially my most recent one, who would shove away any type of conversation about existentialism or anything else that would make him focus on human emotion.
00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:25.200
Any emotion or anything painful would make him shut down and retreat into his own little world, brushing it all off as if it didn't matter.
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:28.319
That was his actual saying, nothing matters.
00:23:28.559 --> 00:23:31.440
And Timmy's such an opposite swing of the pendulum.
00:23:31.599 --> 00:23:41.519
It's as though I've been walking around half asleep for years, and suddenly Timmy's awakened this dormant part of me, encouraging me to unravel parts of myself that I never thought I'd share with anyone.
00:23:41.759 --> 00:23:46.799
Sure, some people know the basics, but I take him to depths I thought were buried deep inside.
00:23:47.279 --> 00:23:55.599
Tell me more about him and what he meant to you, Timmy says softly after I mentioned my uncle, who was such a special part of my life, who died too young, too unexpectedly.
00:23:55.839 --> 00:24:04.319
The weight of the memory presses on my chest, but Timmy's gaze is so full of warmth and understanding that I find myself opening up with him more than I have with anyone before.
00:24:04.559 --> 00:24:15.599
He was my hero, I start, my voice trembling as I recount memories of a man who always believed in me, who was always proud of me, and was one of my biggest champions, who helped me through one of the darkest times of my life.
00:24:15.839 --> 00:24:20.000
When he passed, I just I don't know if I ever really recovered.
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:26.319
It feels like I lost part of myself, you know, like this big chunk of care and security that'll never get back.
00:24:26.559 --> 00:24:32.880
Tears prick my eyes and I feel my throat tighten, but I press on, trusting Timmy with a part of me that's raw and vulnerable.
00:24:33.119 --> 00:24:39.440
Sometimes I still wake after a dream that makes me feel like he's still alive, but then everything comes rushing back and I remember that he's gone.
00:24:39.680 --> 00:24:43.599
Timmy reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it tight, his eyes are wet too.
00:24:43.759 --> 00:24:46.160
I get it, he murmurs, his voice thick with emotion.
00:24:46.480 --> 00:24:48.559
Lost like that, it leaves a mark.
00:24:48.720 --> 00:24:53.599
I've had several friends die in the past few years and their deaths still hurt like it was yesterday.
00:24:53.839 --> 00:24:55.440
The moment feels profound.
00:24:55.599 --> 00:24:58.720
For the first time I'm with someone who seems to be able to understand.
00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:01.200
Someone who can feel things the way that I do.
00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:06.240
Someone who doesn't shy away from difficult emotions or retreat when the conversation gets too heavy.
00:25:06.480 --> 00:25:10.720
Timmy leans in, brushing a tear from my cheek with his thumb and my heart swells.
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:16.240
His emotional sensitivity, it's like a form of intelligence I've never encountered before in an intimate partner.
00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:21.119
It feels like he's seeing all of me and accepting every damaged piece of me without hesitation.
00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:27.039
And his unconditional support feels like an emotional balm, healing me in places I didn't know I needed.
00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:30.160
I take a deep breath, encouraged by his tenderness.
00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:34.799
I've alluded to my sexual assault with him before, but never gone into explicit detail.
00:25:34.960 --> 00:25:41.599
There's more, I whisper, my heart pounding as I prepare to expose more of one of my greatest wounds that I generally keep buried.
00:25:41.839 --> 00:25:51.920
Like people are aware it happened, but not the extent to which the events of that incident have affected me, how depraved my attacker was, and the indelible imprints he's left on me, the emotional scars.
00:25:52.319 --> 00:25:56.799
It left me broken in ways that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fix despite all the therapy.
00:25:57.039 --> 00:25:59.599
My voice falters, but I push through the tremble.
00:25:59.839 --> 00:26:06.000
I have PTSD, certain sounds, certain places, they take me back to it, and it's like I'm there all over again.
00:26:06.240 --> 00:26:12.240
I'm sensitive to loud noises, and I can snap back into hypervigilance, even though it happened so many years ago.
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:14.480
Timmy's eyes flood with tears.
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:19.279
His hand tightens around mine, and he shakes his head as if my story is almost too much to bear.
00:26:19.519 --> 00:26:22.240
That's so horrible, he whispers, his voice cracking.
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:23.839
I'm so sorry you went through that.
00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:26.640
No one should ever have to feel that kind of fear.
00:26:27.039 --> 00:26:31.920
He looks down for a moment, his own breath hitching, as if he's absorbing the weight of my pain.
00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:34.640
Then without prompting, he shares his own story.
00:26:34.960 --> 00:26:39.680
My family, I love my parents, but they were never really there for me once I became a teenager.
00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:43.839
After a fight with my sister's boyfriend that turned physical, they kind of cut me off.
00:26:43.920 --> 00:26:45.839
They moved away, leaving me here on the K.
00:26:46.240 --> 00:26:47.440
My dad, especially.
00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:48.720
He couldn't handle me.
00:26:48.880 --> 00:26:51.200
I guess I was always too much, you know.
00:26:51.440 --> 00:26:55.759
He smiles, but it's a sad, broken thing, filled with unspoken wounds.
00:26:56.000 --> 00:27:02.880
In that instant, while Timmy is certainly a lot at times, I vow to never exacerbate his wound by telling him he's too much.
00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:08.559
I feel protective of him, defensive of anyone who would make him relive how those relationships made him feel.
00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:11.440
That's why I haven't been speaking with them lately, he explains.
00:27:11.599 --> 00:27:14.880
Well that, and because my mother refuses to stop speaking to my ex.
00:27:15.359 --> 00:27:21.039
The connection between us deepens in this moment, a shared shared understanding of hurt and loss.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:26.160
It feels like we're two broken people who've finally found the other person who can help to make us whole again.
00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:28.319
I feel free, open to be vulnerable.
00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:32.000
There's no judgment, no impatience, just tenderness and empathy.
00:27:32.319 --> 00:27:35.359
I wipe my eyes and look at him, grateful for his presence.
00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:38.640
Thank you for listening, for caring, and for sharing with me too.
00:27:38.720 --> 00:27:40.079
It means so much.
00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:45.839
He smiles at me softly and leans forward to kiss my forehead, although his eyes are still clouded with emotion.
00:27:46.079 --> 00:27:50.160
I care about everything that makes you you, he says, his voice gentle but sure.
00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:54.000
Every little thing, just like I care about every one of your freckles.
00:27:54.319 --> 00:27:56.240
I smile, feeling a little lighter.
00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:58.000
God, this man is everything.
00:27:58.160 --> 00:28:04.480
I've never been able to talk like this with a partner before to speak in a way that's raw and have someone really understand and reciprocate.
00:28:04.720 --> 00:28:09.200
Timmy's expression hardens for a moment almost imperceptibly before it softens again.
00:28:09.359 --> 00:28:12.559
He leans in closer, swiping a stray lock of hair off my face.
00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:14.400
Well those people are all idiots.
00:28:14.480 --> 00:28:18.720
You're so kind and sweet, and you've been through so much, he says his voice deep and reassuring.
00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:21.119
I can't imagine not knowing everything about you.
00:28:21.200 --> 00:28:23.200
I'm here, Margot, and I want to hear it all.
00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:25.200
You never have to hold back with me.
00:28:25.440 --> 00:28:29.920
It's like a weight lifts off my shoulders, and for the first time I feel truly safe.
00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:37.440
I tell him more about the nights where I wake up from nightmares screaming, drenched in sweat, the memories of the assault clawing at me, leaving me breathless.
00:28:37.599 --> 00:28:47.839
I tell him about how scared I am sometimes, how fragile I feel when those moments hit me, how I know I've made so much progress that those setbacks have me reeling, and it feels like I'm backsliding every now and then.
00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:53.200
And Timmy listens intently, nodding, squeezing my hand, his face a picture of compassion.
00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:56.640
He starts sharing again too, but his stories are different, vague.
00:28:56.880 --> 00:29:00.000
I've lost people too, he says, and I've been hurt by others.
00:29:00.160 --> 00:29:04.400
He glances away as if the memory's too painful to hide eye contact over.
00:29:04.559 --> 00:29:07.759
The ones who have passed, friends, family, people close to me.
00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:11.680
I keep little things to remember them by, like this quilt.
00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:15.599
He gestures to an old, threadbare stitched blanket on the chair.
00:29:15.759 --> 00:29:20.960
It's falling apart and covered in stains that I can't get out, but it means the world to me, it's all I have left.
00:29:21.200 --> 00:29:32.160
I reach out to touch the quilt, feeling the worn fabric beneath my fingers, taking care not to knock one of the patchwork triangles that's hanging by a thread next to an own unknown mark that looks a bit like ketchup.
00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:36.079
That's beautiful, I say softly, but something nags at the back of my mind.
00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:38.480
He's mentioning friends and family but not by name.
00:29:38.640 --> 00:29:39.680
Who gave it to you?
00:29:39.920 --> 00:29:42.000
He hesitates, his eyes distant.
00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:44.400
A friend, someone you don't know.
00:29:44.559 --> 00:29:45.599
It's not important.
00:29:46.079 --> 00:29:49.440
He smiles, but this time for some reason it feels more like a mask.
00:29:49.680 --> 00:29:51.599
What matters is that I have it.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:30:06.400
The conversation shifts and he talks about other trinkets he's kept that he holds dear, a couple of rings another unnamed friend gave him when he helped her to move, a small foil baby shark balloon that he claims holds sentimental value as it starts to sag as the helium deflates out of it.
00:30:06.559 --> 00:30:15.039
He's emotional about these objects, tears welling in his eyes as he talks about how important they are to him, but he leaves it at that, seemingly preferring not to go deeper.
00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:16.640
Still, I don't press.
00:30:16.799 --> 00:30:18.000
It's enough that he's sharing.
00:30:18.079 --> 00:30:20.000
He's being vulnerable in his own way.
00:30:20.160 --> 00:30:24.000
He doesn't need to tell me everything, and if he wants to, he will in his own time.
00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:26.240
We're a safe space for each other now.
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:33.680
It's so freeing like I can finally truly breathe, that I have a partner to share in my joy, my pain, and my mess, our mess now.
00:30:33.839 --> 00:30:39.759
I drown in the sweetness of his attention and the idea that I've finally found someone who gets me, someone who cares.
00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:43.440
He makes me feel so safe, he makes me feel so seen.
00:30:43.680 --> 00:30:46.400
It's the two things I've craved all my life.
00:30:46.640 --> 00:30:49.920
When I've been abandoned by nearly everyone, he's just what I need.
00:30:50.160 --> 00:30:54.640
Kind, attentive, a protector who almost also makes me laugh.
00:30:54.720 --> 00:30:55.599
And he's cute.
00:30:55.839 --> 00:30:58.799
Every insecurity I have is something he loves about me.
00:30:59.039 --> 00:31:00.880
Every fucking thing.
00:31:01.839 --> 00:31:07.200
When I was younger, I felt like I had a true love, a soulmate waiting in the wings somewhere, somehow.
00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:09.359
I believed it was in my cards.
00:31:09.519 --> 00:31:14.720
That hope had faded over the years, like it was just a silly thing, a nice concept that doesn't actually exist.
00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:19.519
But now I have Timmy and I've never ever felt such pure joy.
00:31:21.039 --> 00:31:25.920
My reaction to this chapter, I did really feel seen by Timmy.
00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:31.599
And I'd had relationships where I'd try to talk about my feelings or something deep and would get shut down immediately.
00:31:31.839 --> 00:31:36.720
Typical replies were things like, I don't talk about things like that, or just no reply at all.
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:40.480
But Timmy wanted to go in and talk deeply about a range of topics.
00:31:40.640 --> 00:31:42.640
He wasn't scared of spiritual stuff.
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:50.559
He would occasionally try and talk about the news, and that would end up annoying me because he'd repeat like really absurd things that he saw on Facebook or whatever.
00:31:50.720 --> 00:31:53.359
But other than that, we could talk about basically anything.
00:31:53.599 --> 00:31:58.799
He particularly seemed to absorb everything I said about my own innermost thoughts and feelings.
00:31:58.960 --> 00:32:00.960
And that felt really, really good.
00:32:01.279 --> 00:32:09.519
It got some of those deep thoughts out of my mind and out loud with someone who cared about me, where they felt really safe to share it with.
00:32:09.839 --> 00:32:16.880
He was particularly sensitive about my uncle's passing and let me talk about him going to the extent of crying himself on my behalf.
00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:23.039
And he immediately likened it to his own experience, but he couldn't really provide anything concrete behind it.
00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:30.160
So I don't know how much of his empathy was true or how much he was learning real human emotion from me.
00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:43.440
He was also very sensitive at the start about my sexual assault and interested in how my PTSD affected me, asking questions and listening really carefully about how easily I could startle at times and the impact it had on me day to day.
00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:48.960
Spoiler alert, sharing these things would come back to bite me in the ass, but we'll get to that.
00:32:49.519 --> 00:32:58.079
Right now in the story, I'm feeling seen and listened to and like I can share everything with this person because he cares about me so much and has my best interests at heart.
00:32:58.319 --> 00:33:03.759
It was really interesting how he described his relationship with his parents, especially his dad, based on what I know now.
00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:06.559
The way that cut him off seemed to have really gotten to him.
00:33:06.640 --> 00:33:10.880
And his sharing definitely made me feel much closer to him, like we could be there for each other.
00:33:11.119 --> 00:33:17.920
I remember feeling very defensive when he said that his uh family told him and other people would tell him that he's too much.
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:25.200
And it really shaped me not wanting to be a person that contributed to something that made him so upset.
00:33:25.759 --> 00:33:30.640
It was also quite funny in hindsight that he talked about how much he did not talk to his parents.
00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:32.480
You will see why soon.
00:33:33.119 --> 00:33:38.240
He was super clingy about material possessions, his nasty quilt that he was obsessed with.
00:33:38.319 --> 00:33:40.240
I never did find out who it belonged to.
00:33:40.400 --> 00:33:41.119
And the rings.
00:33:41.279 --> 00:33:43.599
There were many fights over those, which we'll get to.
00:33:43.759 --> 00:33:47.759
Again, he said a girl gave them to him, but he wouldn't say who, but that they were platonic.
00:33:47.920 --> 00:33:52.400
But then he'd say weird stuff that made me think whoever it was and he had been something more than that.
00:33:52.640 --> 00:33:57.839
I didn't particularly care, but he'd say stuff in a way that was almost trying to get a reaction out of me.
00:33:58.079 --> 00:34:05.440
And the foil baby shark balloon that will have an important part in the story too, as simple of an item as it seems.
00:34:05.680 --> 00:34:20.239
I realize now how every tiny little thing would be said in passing back then would be so light and superficial, but it would all add up to something kind of massive when you look at it as an entire picture and what it led to.
00:34:20.719 --> 00:34:33.440
And the feeling that I had an actual soulmate, something I'd long discarded the notion of, gave me such hope and relief and comfort that I was willing to overlook all the little things, or things that seemed like little things at the time.
00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:37.920
Chapter 25, Starfish, but not the cool kind.
00:34:38.719 --> 00:34:45.840
Over the next few days, Timmy's always here, everywhere I go, every waking second, and then next to me when I sleep.
00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:50.000
He wants to be a part of everything I do, every little errand or mundane task.
00:34:50.239 --> 00:34:53.920
I'll come with you, he says every time I suggest running out to the grocery store.
00:34:54.079 --> 00:34:59.519
He insists on driving me to the post office rather than having me walk all that way, even though I love the exercise.
00:34:59.840 --> 00:35:03.199
I've never had someone want to accompany me on every errand before.
00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:08.239
With others, they were always happy to let me go off by myself to tackle whatever tasks they felt were boring.
00:35:08.400 --> 00:35:09.840
Now it's the exact opposite.
00:35:09.920 --> 00:35:16.559
And while it's a little smothering at times, there's something about it that makes me feel special, like I'm the center of Timmy's universe.
00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:21.039
Consciously, I know that it's not normal to have someone want to spend 24-7 with you.
00:35:21.199 --> 00:35:22.480
People need space, right?
00:35:22.719 --> 00:35:24.559
At least that's always what I've been told.
00:35:24.639 --> 00:35:31.519
But at the same time, it feels really nice, knowing I mean so much to someone that they want to be with me every second of the day.
00:35:31.599 --> 00:35:34.559
It's flattering, almost intoxicating.
00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:39.599
But sometimes when I do manage to slip out on a solo errand, I feel this tiny spark of relief.
00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:47.119
I get onto the sidewalk and crank my music on my headphones as loud as I can, and for a brief moment I'm just me again, alone with my thoughts.
00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:57.119
Part of me wants to keep walking for hours, to run, the wind whipping through my hair, bouting out the lyrics to songs he doesn't like, or listening to one of my podcasts that he'd probably find boring.
00:35:57.280 --> 00:36:01.039
I let myself imagine it, just me lost in my own world, free.
00:36:01.280 --> 00:36:09.119
But then that feeling fades because as soon as I picture him waiting for me with that cheeky grin, I feel an odd sense of guilt for even wanting a sliver of time apart.
00:36:09.519 --> 00:36:17.440
I think of how cozy it is to sit beside him all day, curled up on the bed, his hand brushing against mine as he turns to me and whispers sweet things.
00:36:17.679 --> 00:36:22.960
I've never been with someone who wanted this level of closeness, this much intimacy, day in and day out.
00:36:23.280 --> 00:36:28.159
Timmy talks about our future with such passion, weaving dreams of what our life will look like.
00:36:28.400 --> 00:36:31.599
We'll get a little house, just the two of us, and I'll design everything.
00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:33.360
You can write all day in peace.
00:36:33.519 --> 00:36:37.360
We'll have a beautiful garden with exotic plants and we'll grow our own vegetables.
00:36:37.519 --> 00:36:42.000
We'll have a state-of-the-art grill and even the little pizza oven beside our fout fire pit.
00:36:42.320 --> 00:36:43.679
Doesn't that sound perfect?
00:36:43.920 --> 00:36:49.679
His voice is soothing, painting a picture so vivid that I can almost see it, this future we're building together.
00:36:49.920 --> 00:36:58.880
He talks about his graphic design work with such enthusiasm, creativity pouring out of him, and he loves listening to me talk about my writing, encouraging me at every step.
00:36:59.039 --> 00:37:03.360
It's like he's always right there beside me, helping me envision this life we're working towards.
00:37:03.599 --> 00:37:10.880
What I've always wanted, someone who's just as invested in our future as I am, someone who's as affectionate and loyal as I've always craved.
00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:12.559
So how could I say no?
00:37:13.039 --> 00:37:17.360
But sometimes it's a little much, like when I go to the bathroom and he just walks in.
00:37:17.599 --> 00:37:19.599
No knocking, no asking, he's just there.
00:37:19.840 --> 00:37:20.079
What?
00:37:20.159 --> 00:37:22.639
I missed you, he'd say, as if it's no big deal.
00:37:22.800 --> 00:37:27.280
I'll be peeing or showering, and he'll just wander in like my personal space doesn't exist.
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:37.280
He'll watch me in the shower, a cheeky gleam in his eyes, and it's not uncommon for him to bundle me up in one of the fluffy lilac towels and hoist me over his shoulder, carrying me to the bed.
00:37:38.480 --> 00:37:47.679
And when I pee, he stands there and yells starfish and pretends he wants to pee while I am as well, aiming just in front of me into the bowl.
00:37:47.920 --> 00:37:52.960
One time I even let him do it, and he cackles as his pea sloshes from the bowl and splashes me on my leg.
00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:54.159
Gross.
00:37:54.559 --> 00:37:58.239
At first, his constant attentiveness and random bathroom appearances make me laugh.
00:37:58.400 --> 00:38:00.719
Timmy, I'd say, playfully pushing him away.
00:38:00.880 --> 00:38:02.559
But now it's just part of our routine.
00:38:02.639 --> 00:38:04.960
He's always there, whether I want him to be or not.
00:38:05.119 --> 00:38:10.480
And while part of me feels suffocated by it, another part of me finds it sweet and daring even.
00:38:10.800 --> 00:38:18.400
Because when he holds me, it's like I'm wrapped in something warm and fluffy, like a cloud or maybe a delicious croysant, something soft, comforting, and buttery.
00:38:18.639 --> 00:38:21.920
His arms around me feel safe, like a cocoon I never want to leave.
00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:27.679
And when he looks into my eyes, I see a tenderness there, a kind soul who truly wants to spend every moment with me.
00:38:27.920 --> 00:38:29.199
It's flattering, honestly.
00:38:29.360 --> 00:38:34.400
I feel cherished in a way I never have before, like I'm the most important person in the world to him.
00:38:35.039 --> 00:38:37.679
I've never been good at balancing closeness in space.
00:38:37.840 --> 00:38:44.079
As a stubborn Taurus with a streak of codependency and an anxious attachment style, I'm all in when it comes to relationships.
00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:46.559
So maybe this is what love is supposed to feel like.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:52.159
Maybe this constant closeness, this 24-7 connection is just part of being with someone who truly cares.
00:38:52.400 --> 00:38:54.079
It's not like he's doing anything wrong.
00:38:54.239 --> 00:38:59.360
I guess it could seem like he's keeping tabs on me, but I get the feeling he just wants to be with me.
00:38:59.440 --> 00:39:01.119
And isn't that a good thing?
00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:08.639
Still, there's a small voice in the back of my mind whispering that I might need more space, that it's okay to want to do things on my own sometimes.
00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:14.400
But when I think of him, how much he loves me, how much he wants to be around me, I brush the thought away.
00:39:14.719 --> 00:39:21.360
Because who am I to say no to someone who loves me this much, who makes me feel this special, this needed.
00:39:23.440 --> 00:39:25.760
My reaction to this chapter.
00:39:26.320 --> 00:39:30.320
So it was weird not being able to go anywhere without him.
00:39:30.559 --> 00:39:36.159
And I would think of this story that a classmate told me in high school.
00:39:36.320 --> 00:39:42.400
Um, her boyfriend would follow her to the toilet and watch her pee to make sure she wasn't talking to other guys.
00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:43.840
And that's kind of how I felt.
00:39:43.920 --> 00:39:47.119
I would always think back to that story and knew that something was off.
00:39:47.360 --> 00:39:54.719
But it was nice to have a companionship outside of that, and he did make most things really fun at first, anyway.
00:39:56.000 --> 00:40:03.679
The following me to the bathroom was a bit over the top, and peeing into the bowl I was peeing, I know that's disgusting, and it makes me shudder to think about it.
00:40:04.480 --> 00:40:08.320
He was really amazing at painting a compelling picture of the future.
00:40:08.559 --> 00:40:20.800
Now, I didn't know what future faking was at the time, but he would share things that were aspirational, and he was so passionate about it and talented at describing it too.
00:40:21.119 --> 00:40:46.960
So he would use words that were so just thoughtful that I could clearly visualize exactly what our home, our office, our life would look like together, the level of granular detail he'd go to, like the exact types of plants and fruits and vegetables that he would plant, where desks would be positioned, what the actual pieces of furniture would look like.
00:40:47.679 --> 00:40:52.559
And he'd talk a big game about the companies and brands he would own.
00:40:52.719 --> 00:40:57.519
Like he was sounded, he was able to make himself sound very entrepreneurial.
00:40:57.679 --> 00:41:08.800
And he was talking about, you know, creating main brands and spin-off brands that he would sell and um having artistic direction over some of them, but then completely selling other ones.
00:41:08.880 --> 00:41:14.079
Like he was really acting like he'd thought all of this through, and it got me energized.
00:41:14.159 --> 00:41:17.440
It actually made me think, wow, I could do this, I could do that.
00:41:17.679 --> 00:41:27.199
So looking back on it, I just remember how excited his words got me, and I believed that there are things that he'd really thought about and wanted to do.
00:41:28.800 --> 00:41:31.360
Chapter 26, Steve the Horse Cop.
00:41:31.599 --> 00:41:32.559
The next day.
00:41:32.800 --> 00:41:34.480
Let's go for a drive around the coast.
00:41:34.559 --> 00:41:36.000
There's so much I want to show you.
00:41:36.239 --> 00:41:39.840
Timmy's voice is bubbling with excitement, and I can't help but smile.
00:41:40.079 --> 00:41:42.800
This trip feels like a redemption arc for me too.
00:41:43.039 --> 00:41:49.840
Last time I visited Sunset K, it was with my ex, and the memory is less about the coastline's beauty and more about his relentless complaining.
00:41:50.000 --> 00:42:00.400
I'd planned a scenic drive just like this, eager to explore hidden beaches and charming roadside cafes, to show him places where I had fond memories with my parents back in happier times.
00:42:00.559 --> 00:42:05.840
But my ex ruined the day saying it was a waste of time to sit in the car when we could be drinking by a pool.
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:09.599
That day trip ended in a fight that tainted every stop we made.
00:42:09.840 --> 00:42:14.559
Now though, Timmy's excitement is infectious, the way he talks about the beaches and surf spots.
00:42:14.719 --> 00:42:18.400
It's clear that he loves this place with every ounce of his chaotic heart.
00:42:18.639 --> 00:42:25.039
I watch him gear up for the day, throwing on a Superman cape, a bold USA flag cap, and his deer claw necklace.
00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:28.559
He looks ridiculous and perfect in his own way.
00:42:28.719 --> 00:42:29.760
That's Timmy.
00:42:29.920 --> 00:42:33.679
Always a spectacle, always unapologetically himself.
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:38.800
As we hit the road, I feel like I'm reclaiming the experience I wanted on my last vacation here.
00:42:38.960 --> 00:42:46.719
The palm trees sway over the road as we drive past packed beaches and quaint coastal neighborhoods, the kind of scenery I've always dreamed of living in.
00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:48.480
And now somehow I do.
00:42:48.800 --> 00:42:53.360
I pull out my phone to record short videos and take pictures, thinking how surreal it all feels.
00:42:53.599 --> 00:42:56.480
This place is so gorgeous, I say, glancing at Timmy.
00:42:56.639 --> 00:42:57.599
You know what we should do?
00:42:57.679 --> 00:42:59.920
We should make a TikTok account, share our adventures.
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:02.639
He grins, his eyes lighting up, like a podcast.
00:43:02.800 --> 00:43:05.280
I laugh, more like short videos, reels and stuff.
00:43:05.360 --> 00:43:07.679
We could capture the fun, you know, I bet people would love it.
00:43:07.840 --> 00:43:09.760
Hell yeah, he bounces in his seat.
00:43:09.840 --> 00:43:12.880
I've got a few ideas for pranks that would make people laugh.
00:43:13.119 --> 00:43:18.400
It feels good, the shared excitement, the sense that we're building something fun together moment by moment.
00:43:19.119 --> 00:43:26.159
We make several stops along the coast, and at one point Timmy pulls into a small farm surrounded by swaying fields and distant mountains.
00:43:26.400 --> 00:43:28.480
I just need a minute, he says, helping out of the truck.
00:43:28.559 --> 00:43:31.360
A friend of mine's in the hospital and his neighbors are watching the farm.
00:43:31.519 --> 00:43:33.840
I want to check in and see if they need help.
00:43:34.079 --> 00:43:39.039
While he talks to a woman near the fence, I watch him from the car, marveling at how well connected he is.
00:43:39.280 --> 00:43:43.760
Timmy seems to know everyone, and not just in a casual way, he genuinely cares about these people.
00:43:44.000 --> 00:43:48.480
It's one of the things that draws me to him, even if his eccentricity can be overwhelming at times.
00:43:48.719 --> 00:43:51.920
He's like a patchwork quilt of wild, messy kindness.
00:43:52.239 --> 00:43:55.119
When he slides back into the driver's seat, he's still animated.
00:43:55.360 --> 00:43:58.320
I really want you to meet Steve, he says as we pull back onto the road.
00:43:58.480 --> 00:43:59.840
He's one of my best friends and he has a good.
00:44:00.079 --> 00:44:02.639
Has been since we were kids, always got my back.
00:44:02.880 --> 00:44:03.920
What does he do?
00:44:04.079 --> 00:44:06.079
He's a park ranger on another island.
00:44:06.239 --> 00:44:08.079
Pretty cool job, he works on horseback.
00:44:08.400 --> 00:44:10.159
Steve the horse cop, we call him.
00:44:10.320 --> 00:44:13.599
His family's over there, but when he's off he stays with his parents here.
00:44:14.000 --> 00:44:15.679
I like the sound of Steve.
00:44:15.840 --> 00:44:18.400
From the way Timmy describes him, he seems grounded.
00:44:18.639 --> 00:44:22.159
A stabilizing presence in Timmy's otherwise unpredictable world.
00:44:22.320 --> 00:44:23.519
It's reassuring.
00:44:23.760 --> 00:44:31.599
Maybe Timmy has his wild streak, but if a guy like Steve is still in his life after all these years, it suggests Timmy knows how to keep something steady when it matters.
00:44:31.840 --> 00:44:35.119
But as we get closer to Steve's place, Timmy's mood shifts.
00:44:35.280 --> 00:44:41.039
He stops to grab a bottle of fireball and down some of it on the road, his energy morphing into something more volatile.
00:44:41.199 --> 00:44:47.599
You're a shit DJ, he snapped at one point, swiping the phone from my hand when I can't find a song he requested quick enough for his liking.
00:44:47.760 --> 00:44:49.840
Just give it to me, you fucking suck at this.
00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:51.440
His words hit like a slap.
00:44:51.599 --> 00:44:54.880
I'm really sorry, I mutter, feeling the sting rise in my throat.
00:44:55.039 --> 00:44:56.000
He scoffs.
00:44:56.239 --> 00:44:57.679
Don't quit your day job.
00:44:58.000 --> 00:45:00.400
Tears well up, and I fight to keep them at bay.
00:45:00.639 --> 00:45:01.519
Are you crying?
00:45:01.679 --> 00:45:03.119
he asks his voice sharp.
00:45:03.360 --> 00:45:05.760
No, I whisper, biting my lip.
00:45:06.000 --> 00:45:10.639
By the time we reach the estuary where Steve is waiting, I feel like I've been emotionally whipped around.
00:45:10.800 --> 00:45:15.039
I wipe at my face, trying to salvage what I can of my makeup before we step out of the trap.
00:45:15.199 --> 00:45:18.400
Steve greets me with a polite smile and we exchange a hug.
00:45:18.719 --> 00:45:23.519
Timmy, barefoot and buzzing with energy, immediately runs off to feed the ducks, leaving me with Steve.
00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:26.000
I can't help but ask, is he always like this?
00:45:26.239 --> 00:45:27.119
Steve shrugs.
00:45:27.519 --> 00:45:28.159
He's a lot.
00:45:28.320 --> 00:45:31.599
I've known him since we were kids, and I can only take him in small doses.
00:45:31.840 --> 00:45:34.000
His eyes lock onto mine serious now.
00:45:34.239 --> 00:45:36.000
Maybe you should do the same.
00:45:36.239 --> 00:45:38.960
His words linger, a subtle warning I can't ignore.
00:45:39.119 --> 00:45:43.519
Coming from anyone else, I'd dismiss it, but Steve's got that quiet, measured way about him.
00:45:43.679 --> 00:45:48.480
He's a cop or close enough as a ranger, and there's a gravity to his words that makes me listen.
00:45:49.199 --> 00:45:53.599
Well, I'm an all or nothing person, I say, putting on a bright smile, so I guess I'm fucked.
00:45:53.840 --> 00:45:58.639
I can't shake what Steve said even as I rationalise it away, settling in my mind like a splinter.
00:45:58.800 --> 00:46:02.800
But Timmy told me himself he has moody days driven by his mood disorder.
00:46:03.039 --> 00:46:04.719
Maybe this is just one of them.
00:46:04.960 --> 00:46:06.159
And what we have is special.
00:46:06.320 --> 00:46:08.000
Timmy isn't perfect, but he's mine.
00:46:08.079 --> 00:46:09.280
He's everything I've been missing.
00:46:09.440 --> 00:46:12.960
Affectionate, funny, protective, creative, and intensely loving.
00:46:13.199 --> 00:46:19.199
Our sex life is incredible, and the way he makes me feel seen, really seen, is unlike anything I've ever experienced.
00:46:19.440 --> 00:46:22.480
Steve might think he knows Timmy, but I see a different side of him.
00:46:22.639 --> 00:46:28.000
Steve isn't living in the moments where Timmy holds me close, kisses my forehead, and makes me laugh until I can't breathe.
00:46:28.159 --> 00:46:32.960
Steve doesn't see the guy who curls up next to me at night all snugly warped and whispered promises.
00:46:33.360 --> 00:46:36.719
Timmy's rough around the edges, sure, but that's part of his charm.
00:46:36.800 --> 00:46:38.320
And the parts that aren't charming?
00:46:38.480 --> 00:46:39.679
We'll work on those.
00:46:39.840 --> 00:46:43.119
He cares enough to try, and that's all that I need.
00:46:44.000 --> 00:46:46.239
Back at my apartment, the tension melts away.
00:46:46.320 --> 00:46:52.559
I slip into something comfortable and set up my influence post with the sex wedge, feeling more at ease now that we're at home.
00:46:52.719 --> 00:46:55.119
Then I see the email and my heart leaps.
00:46:55.360 --> 00:46:57.119
Saber's rabies results are in.
00:46:57.199 --> 00:47:00.239
The quarantine station has approved his release three months early.
00:47:00.400 --> 00:47:03.280
Oh my god, I whisper, a wave of relief crashing over me.
00:47:03.440 --> 00:47:04.880
My baby is coming home.
00:47:05.039 --> 00:47:08.079
Soon I'll have Sabre with me and everything will finally feel right.
00:47:08.320 --> 00:47:15.119
The quarantine facility is really nice, but I still feel guilty thinking about my affectionate little boy sitting there day after day all by himself.
00:47:15.360 --> 00:47:17.039
Timmy notices my excitement.
00:47:17.199 --> 00:47:17.920
What's up?
00:47:18.239 --> 00:47:19.519
Saber's coming home early.
00:47:19.599 --> 00:47:23.119
I beam at him and he grins back, the day's tension already forgotten.
00:47:23.360 --> 00:47:29.280
We stop by Maddy's later, where Timmy poses with his fingers like devil horns above his head for a few goofy photos.
00:47:29.440 --> 00:47:32.480
As I snap the shots, I feel that familiar warmth return.
00:47:32.719 --> 00:47:36.000
Timmy's chaotic and unpredictable, but he's also mine.
00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:44.559
But in the corner of my heart, a small knot of unease tightens, and I know that something in this picture, this strange chaotic love, might be bigger than me.
00:47:46.239 --> 00:47:48.400
Oh, my reaction to this chapter.
00:47:48.639 --> 00:47:56.000
This is, I would say, the first time I felt what I would describe as a genuine unease that was too much for me to just brush over.
00:47:56.239 --> 00:48:00.880
Timmy did his usual routine, um, offering to help somewhat random people.
00:48:01.039 --> 00:48:08.079
And again, the fact that he seemed to like know people and they seemed to appreciate his help all lended to his credibility.
00:48:08.320 --> 00:48:14.639
And there was a certain safety in him introducing me to Steve, who had an actual responsible adult job.
00:48:14.880 --> 00:48:26.320
In real life, it wasn't an actual force cop, and I won't say what it was, but it lended an ear of credibility to Timmy by virtue of having a friend with a career and who had stayed his friend since high school.
00:48:26.800 --> 00:48:30.880
But Steve's words really did stick with me that he needed breaks from Timmy.
00:48:30.960 --> 00:48:35.840
I think it was because deep down I was starting to feel a little like I might need some breakers from Timmy too.
00:48:36.159 --> 00:48:44.320
Also, his criticism of my music and DJ skills a bit harder this time, like a bruise he kept poking, which is ironic, because we'll get to that very topic soon.
00:48:44.559 --> 00:48:49.599
But I can remember feeling sick when he said it and just like shocked at his anger about it.
00:48:50.239 --> 00:48:56.639
Overall, this was a really intense day that I can picture in my head quite vividly.
00:48:56.800 --> 00:48:58.800
And it could have gone in another direction.
00:48:59.039 --> 00:49:01.599
So I think timing is everything.
00:49:01.840 --> 00:49:12.559
So finding out that Fang was going to be able to come home from quarantine was huge and such a nice email to receive, and definitely a distraction from trying to process everything that had gone on.
00:49:12.800 --> 00:49:25.360
And Timmy was also really adept at taking a negative moment and then immediately flipping it, following it up with something that's so much fun, so much lightness that it was really hard to place as much weight on what had happened beforehand.
00:49:26.480 --> 00:49:28.639
So we'll leave it there for this episode.
00:49:28.880 --> 00:49:39.039
I'm interested, have you ever been in the early stages of a relationship and glossed over red flags because it felt easier to focus on the positives or for some other reason?
00:49:39.360 --> 00:49:42.320
Or did you notice the red flag that you just could not overlook?
00:49:42.400 --> 00:49:43.599
If so, what was it?
00:49:43.840 --> 00:49:45.280
Comment below or message me.
00:49:45.360 --> 00:49:46.639
I'd love to hear from you.
00:49:46.800 --> 00:49:52.480
And stay tuned for episode six because believe me, things are going to escalate extremely quickly very soon.
00:49:52.719 --> 00:49:58.159
And in the meantime, remember, it wasn't you, you're not too much, and it was never your fault.