S05 EP34: Dan Schreiber

WEBVTT
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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett.
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And I'm Josh Willicombe.
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Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and
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I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,
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which I would say can be a little tricky.
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So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about
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the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week
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we'll be chatting to a famous parent about.
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How they're coping.
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Or hopefully how they're not coping.
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And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with
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your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.
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Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when
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none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening
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to Parenting Hell with.
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Martha, can you say Josh Widdicombe? Yeah. And can you
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say Rob Beckett?
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Yeah.
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OK, thanks. There we go, that's a good one. Oh, fuck,
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I wasn't recording, Michael, is that all right?
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No. Oh, you've changed since we've gone to Spotify. You're
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so slick now. It's like working with a different man.
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What, Michael?
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No, you.
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I wasn't recording.
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I'm joking.
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Oh, right, sorry.
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Oh, fucking hell.
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Fucking hell. I'm knackered.
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What's going on? What are you tying? Kids keeping you up?
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Not really.
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Working too much?
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Loads of shagging?
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What's up? What's going on?
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Loads of shagging. Loads of shagging.
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Too much going out and shagging, is it?
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Let's just say this before we move on. This is Martha,
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who is 17 months old. We live in Teddington, along
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with her one-month-old brother, Theo. Special shout-out to my wife, Molly,
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who's been a superstar throughout it all. I'm working my
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way through the back catalogue and on to season four now.
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I've got no idea how many seasons we've done.
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No?
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It just seems to just be one long season to me.
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I hope you continue to be so very relatable. Cheers, Morgan.
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There we go. Yeah.
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So this week I got the private jet to my
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gig and it was late, Josh.
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Oh, gosh. I've got the school quiz this week, Rob.
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Oh, have you?
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Yeah. Oh, you're hosting? I'm hosting and writing the quiz.
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How do you feel about it?
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A bit nervous.
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That's not like you.
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I was just... Out of my comfort zone. Because it's
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not very funny. It's a quiz. And you're like, am
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I trying to be making this funny or am I
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trying to just do a quiz? Do you know what
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I mean? Right.
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So I say with a quiz, you write the questions straight.
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Don't put any jokes in there really. You could do
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a couple of like wacky ones, but I think sometimes
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that's a bit eggy.
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No one wants you fucking around with a quiz. They
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come out for the quiz, not for me going... You know.
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Exactly. Keep the quiz the quiz. However, when you're doing answers,
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joking about the team names, people will be chipping. You've
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got the skills to give them a bit of crap.
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Yeah, the team names is a good area. I've forgotten
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about the team names. Yeah, exactly.
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So I think team names, I think you'd be fine.
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So where is it? In the school?
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No, it's at the pub.
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It's at the pub. And how many people are coming?
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I don't know.
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Have you sorted out the mic, the PAs?
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There's a mic.
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Who's sorting that out?
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The PTA. Oh.
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What? I just think, you know, with a PTA... The
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Parent Teachers Association. What I'd say is there's a lot
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of people in there. I'm in a group. There's a
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lot of voices. There's a lot of opinions.
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No, no, no. It's just one woman I'm dealing with.
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There'll be different people when you're there. When you're... Can
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I predict what's going to happen?
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Yeah.
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You've this lovely lady that's put.
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It's not going to happen. It's been a very professional
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experience from start to finish.
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Yeah, of course. However, you'll be the person who's actually
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in charge, who's been dealing with you, when you get there. Hi,
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it's Sarah. I'm part of the PTA.
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Okay.
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You don't know who she is. This woman's just come
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up to you.
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Right.
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We normally do that after the first question.
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Have you had a bad experience with the PTA, Rob?
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Oh, hang on. Hello, I'm... Hello, hello, hello. Stephen here
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from the PTA. Yeah, so when are you... What time
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is it starting, Josh?
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Eight.
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Oh, hello there. It's Claire from the PTA. We need
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to finish at ten because a lot of people need
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to get the last train home.
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Oh, hi there.
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It's Paul from the PTA. Have you got the prizes? Oh,
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hi there.
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It's... Have you had a bad experience, Rob?
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Just saying.
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Have you had a bad experience?
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I haven't had a bad experience. Have you had a
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bad experience? However... It's difficult, isn't it, to do this
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podcast and still go to school.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
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So you haven't had a bad experience. Hypothetically, this could
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be an experience you'd had. All I'd say is, with
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any association, comms is always a problem.
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Right, okay, yeah, good, good. In any volunteer-based association.
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Or non-volunteer-based. Look at the problem Elon Musk is currently
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dealing with.
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Exactly. I'm just saying, when it comes to the PTA,
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there's a lot of people giving up their time to help.
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And there's a lot of people that have opinions on
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how it should or should not be done.
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Well, I'll let you know how it goes. Do you
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want some questions?
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Yes, give me a quiz question.
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Okay, I've got them written in a book. Should I
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go and grab the book?
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Have you written it out on paper?
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Yeah, because I was in a cafe. Do you remember
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when I had my two hours in the cafe?
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You took a little notebook.
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I had a book and I was like.
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Can I get your little book?
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And I was like, this is an ideal chance to
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get this quiz knocked out. Right, okay, so you've rushed
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it out in two hours.
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No, I haven't finished it. What was Take That's First
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number one?
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Never Forget.
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Well, you did. I'm all right.
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Oh, God, that's good.
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See, that's the kind of stuff.
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That's the kind of stuff I'll be throwing out there.
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That's the stuff. Yeah.
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Pray.
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Pray.
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Oh, yeah. Pray.
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Yeah, I remember that. That's exciting, Josh. Are you excited
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about it?
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Yeah, I am excited, yeah. Oh, I should say another thing, Rob,
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on the school.
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Yeah, go on.
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Did i tell you about our.
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Parents evening no how did it go so it went
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well it was a successful parents evening i'm pleased yeah
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is she great oh they said.
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They'd never seen anything like it no they.
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Didn't could be taken in both ways they said she's
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so good they like to remove her from the school
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but i don't.
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Yeah we can't deal with a brain like this yeah
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we can't let's get rid of.
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Her yeah but We had to sit on the small chairs.
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Oh, that's a power play.
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No, so did the teacher.
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Really? Was that for everyone or just for you? Because
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they saw you coming in.
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So we went into the classroom. She was like, take
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a seat. And the seat was like, it was like
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a hobbit house.
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Quite enjoyed it. But anyway.
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Did you like it? It feels fun, doesn't it, on
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the little chairs?
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I felt like we had 20 minutes and I felt
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like we didn't have enough.
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20 minutes is a long time.
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Yeah.
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But you felt you could have done longer. Yeah.
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No, I felt like we've done some interviews on here, Rob,
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while you're watching the clock.
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Oh, so you were a bit bored at 20?
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No, I wasn't a bit bored. That's not what I said.
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Okay.
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I'm saying I didn't bring enough stuff to discuss.
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Yeah, when they go, any more questions? And you sort
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of like.
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Yeah, I'm like, oh, shit. I haven't got any more questions.
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So did you ask any questions?
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Rose has lots of questions. I'll be honest, I was
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a bit of a passenger.
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Okay, that's... But she's fine. She's getting on all right,
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your daughter.
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All good. All good. All good. All good.
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Oh, that's nice.
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Yeah. Well done.
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Do you want a bit of correspondence before we bring
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on our guest?
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Two pieces, please. Here we go.
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Daylight saving slash more tired than Josh feature. Yeah. You're
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not actually that tired anymore, but this is the.
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No, I'm fine at the moment.
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Here we go. Last October, our baby was seven months
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old and sleeping so badly that my partner and I
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were doing one hour shifts at night.
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Fuck that.
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Sorry. Sorry. And my husband, who was conscious not to
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sleep through another alarm, sluggishly came downstairs, ready to start
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his shift. He enters the room and says, that was
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the shortest hour of my life. He breathed a sigh
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of relief when I explained the clocks had gone back
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and he'd only been upstairs for five minutes. LAUGHTER God,
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an hour shift. That is insane.
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Hour shift.
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At least three hours.
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There's no point, is there?
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You've got to.
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By the time you've got to sleep, you're up again.
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Oh, my God.
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Roisin and Rich in Dorset. Parenting fail. Hi, Rob and Josh.
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I thought you'd possibly appreciate a top parenting fail that
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happened to me. I was trying to explain the flu vaccine,
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the one up the nose. Have you ever thought I
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had this shit where they spray flu vaccine up their
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nose at school?
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Yeah, I think she has. She definitely had a flu vaccine.
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Yeah, but it's a nasal spray up the nose. Right.
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OK.
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Anyway, so I was trying to explain it to my
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nearly three year old. So I showed him roughly how
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it would happen. I made a noise as if the
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little up the nose. However, this has translated to him
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running around telling anyone that will listen that I made
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him get piss up his nose.
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Oh, my God.
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Crying, I don't want piss up my nose, mummy. Don't
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make me. And telling his friend, mummy made me go
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to a lady who pissed up my nose. Oh, my God.
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That's right.
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Pissed.
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Pissed. Oh, Josh, I need to tell you, I'm recording
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this from Tom Allen's house. Oh, yeah. It's exciting, isn't it?
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Has Lou finally made the big decision and left you?
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Do you know what? If she did and I moved
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in here, I'd love it. It's so nice.
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Yeah, I don't know if Tom would. It's so quiet.
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Yeah. And it's so clean. And it smells wonderful, Josh.
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Yeah, I bet it does.
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And, like, you know when sometimes you go around, like,
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a friend's house? Yeah. And especially, like, a workmate. You know,
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we do the same job, essentially, me and Tom. Yeah.
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And I'm looking around his house. I'm like, his house
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is so much nicer than mine.
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Yeah.
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And you know when you work with someone, you're sort
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of at the same level as them at a job.
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You sort of start thinking about, what's he earning then?
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What am I earning? You know?
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Yeah, but he just hasn't got kids, right?
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Exactly.
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He's got nothing to spend his money on.
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His house is so much better than mine. And I'm like,
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why is it better? I'm like, because he hasn't got
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children costing him money. Yeah. I've seen the other.
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Side of it here.
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It's nicer.
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You could have, what, I don't know, like a lovely
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occasional table. But instead, Rob, you've got a subscription to
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Disney +.
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Do you know what? It's the smell more than anything.
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Well, you just get some fucking scented candles, Rob.
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No, it's no. Scented candles will not do enough for
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what my children produce in our house.
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Right. What do they smell of?
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Well, we've got a dog.
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We've got a cat. There's always someone having a shit.
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There's always someone... cooking something something's getting spilt something's getting
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cleaned up you know it's like the kids.
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Tom's life sounds sterile rob it sounds sterile and.
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Boring it's not it's great it's so calming.
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No i know who was i trying to convince that
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i didn't believe it as i said it.
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Anyway he's got a lovely house so he's very nice
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he let me use his back room yes sorry a
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bit of fun she's using your back room tom is
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that okay.
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Did you both have a big laugh about that when
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he said.
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Oh yeah great laugh yeah good old laugh yeah and
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then he'd done a funnier version of it to me
294
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and i laughed at that more yeah basically because that's
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a very funny man yeah um josh should we bring
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on our guest yes oh yeah trigger what not really
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a trigger warning it's the opposite Email warning.
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Okay.
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We talk about something that our guest's child said as
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a three-year-old. We won't ruin it, but we'd love your
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emails if you've experienced similar things.
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00:10:50.950 --> 00:10:54.769
Yes, with a child confessing to a previous life. That's enough,
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isn't it?
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Oh, well, it's ruined it.
305
00:10:56.149 --> 00:10:57.379
Well, maybe that's a tease.
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00:10:57.700 --> 00:11:00.879
Yeah, that's a tease. Has your child confessed to having
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a previous life? Yes.
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00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:03.600
Yeah, but don't just say yes or no. Give us
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the details. Has your child been reincarnated?
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00:11:05.860 --> 00:11:06.980
Yes, they have. Let us know. Yeah.
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00:11:07.419 --> 00:11:09.399
Over here is Dan Schreiber, a very funny man, one
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00:11:09.419 --> 00:11:12.279
of the QI's research elves. No such thing as a
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00:11:12.320 --> 00:11:14.159
fish podcast. And he's got a brilliant book out. And
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he's a very funny man. Data 3. Enjoy. Welcome to
315
00:11:18.889 --> 00:11:19.409
the podcast.
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00:11:19.429 --> 00:11:22.240
Dan Schreiber. Hello. Thanks for having me, guys.
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00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:24.779
We are very excited to have you, Dan. Well, I've
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00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:27.460
not seen you for ages. We've gigged together years ago,
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00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:30.580
and then you've gone on to massive success with No
320
00:11:30.620 --> 00:11:33.620
Such Thing As A Fish podcast. Do you still do stand-up, Dan?
321
00:11:34.220 --> 00:11:35.720
No, I haven't done it. I do it as part
322
00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:38.360
of the podcast because we do live shows and we
323
00:11:38.399 --> 00:11:39.799
have a first half. So I sort of put a
324
00:11:39.879 --> 00:11:42.470
bit together for that. But you and I, we were
325
00:11:42.509 --> 00:11:46.190
actually flatmates in Edinburgh many years ago for about a
326
00:11:46.289 --> 00:11:47.950
week period. It was like a week.
327
00:11:48.009 --> 00:11:49.909
Where was that? Which one was that?
328
00:11:50.009 --> 00:11:52.250
Could I just say, I've never been more pleased the
329
00:11:52.269 --> 00:11:55.899
cameras are on because Beckett's confused face at that point is.
330
00:11:55.879 --> 00:11:59.100
Blowing my mind. How do I not know you were
331
00:11:59.120 --> 00:12:04.009
my flatmate? fuck was it that Hills J goes flat
332
00:12:04.720 --> 00:12:07.320
no no I was staying with Eric Lampere and Rhys
333
00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:10.100
James and Lloyd Griffiths and you came and you just
334
00:12:10.200 --> 00:12:12.559
crashed on our floor for a week yes I remember
335
00:12:12.580 --> 00:12:15.779
that yeah so do you do you I do now
336
00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:18.340
but basically Lloyd was up there staying with you and
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00:12:18.399 --> 00:12:20.679
Rhys but I remember I just slept on Lloyd's floor
338
00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:23.440
for five nights but I was pissed for five days
339
00:12:23.480 --> 00:12:25.500
because I didn't do a gig I just came up
340
00:12:25.799 --> 00:12:28.289
on a jolly and I remember now seeing you sort
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00:12:28.330 --> 00:12:30.250
of in the kitchen did I give you any money
342
00:12:30.370 --> 00:12:31.649
for that No, I don't think so.
343
00:12:31.669 --> 00:12:36.690
There's always been a mystery about this house. There was,
344
00:12:36.710 --> 00:12:38.529
I remember coming home one day, I think this was
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00:12:38.549 --> 00:12:40.190
in the period when you were staying with us, where
346
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I went to the bathroom and up by the bathroom,
347
00:12:42.470 --> 00:12:44.850
there was a sort of like hand towel bit just
348
00:12:44.889 --> 00:12:46.690
by the sink where you can, you know, wipe your hands.
349
00:12:47.129 --> 00:12:48.429
I was looking at it one day and it was
350
00:12:48.480 --> 00:12:52.740
just smeared in shit. Like just like flat out someone
351
00:12:52.759 --> 00:12:53.820
had wiped their ass on it.
352
00:12:54.539 --> 00:12:55.759
But then just put it back.
353
00:12:55.919 --> 00:12:56.700
I blame Lloyd.
354
00:12:57.340 --> 00:12:58.740
That is unbelievable.
355
00:12:58.759 --> 00:13:00.460
Sorry, I need to apologise because.
356
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:01.379
Well, because of the towel?
357
00:13:01.639 --> 00:13:03.450
No, so I think the problem me and Lloyd had
358
00:13:03.509 --> 00:13:06.809
in the world of comedy was we're not geezers in
359
00:13:06.929 --> 00:13:10.309
our world of Grimsby and South East London. We're the lovey-dovey.
360
00:13:10.370 --> 00:13:12.340
So we sort of assume that we aren't being that
361
00:13:12.379 --> 00:13:15.860
badly behaved. But then I think actually we were awful.
362
00:13:16.340 --> 00:13:19.779
Well, I'm sorry, but if in Grimsby wiping your arse
363
00:13:19.840 --> 00:13:22.620
on a towel and putting it back is the lovey-dovey world.
364
00:13:22.700 --> 00:13:28.250
No, they save the towel for best in Grimsby. Anyway, Dan,
365
00:13:28.279 --> 00:13:30.309
it's great to see you again after sharing a flat
366
00:13:30.370 --> 00:13:34.090
that I forgot about for five nights. Is it flatmates
367
00:13:34.129 --> 00:13:35.149
if it's five nights open?
368
00:13:35.720 --> 00:13:37.759
I think so. Well, if I meet someone, I tend
369
00:13:37.779 --> 00:13:39.659
to say they're friends. Like, Josh, I've only bumped into
370
00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:43.029
you twice. And I'll say, my friend Josh. Like, I
371
00:13:43.070 --> 00:13:43.629
just do that.
372
00:13:43.649 --> 00:13:44.669
Why not? Why not?
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00:13:45.110 --> 00:13:46.730
The fact you know you've bumped into me twice. You've
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00:13:46.750 --> 00:13:49.929
got an encyclopedic knowledge of when you met people. Rob
375
00:13:49.950 --> 00:13:51.590
did sleep on your floor for five days, so you
376
00:13:51.610 --> 00:13:52.309
should know that.
377
00:13:52.730 --> 00:13:54.629
So, Dan, can you introduce us to your, how many
378
00:13:54.669 --> 00:13:56.409
children have you got? Let's get this out first and
379
00:13:56.460 --> 00:13:57.639
foremost before we crack on.
380
00:13:57.980 --> 00:14:00.139
I have three kids and I heard my third kid
381
00:14:00.139 --> 00:14:01.009
12 days ago.
382
00:14:01.029 --> 00:14:03.429
Oh, my word.
383
00:14:03.529 --> 00:14:06.210
I'm fresh. Yeah, third time, it doesn't get any easier.
384
00:14:06.389 --> 00:14:06.840
I've worked out.
385
00:14:06.889 --> 00:14:09.980
No, who knew? That's good to know because when you've
386
00:14:10.019 --> 00:14:12.080
got two, you sort of think, well, we're so good
387
00:14:12.139 --> 00:14:13.899
at it now. What's another one? Yeah.
388
00:14:14.279 --> 00:14:16.129
All the stuff that I forgot has just come back.
389
00:14:16.149 --> 00:14:18.629
The sleepless nights that I thought, God, were they this
390
00:14:18.690 --> 00:14:20.370
bad last time? And I spoke to a friend and
391
00:14:20.389 --> 00:14:22.090
they said, yeah, you were this out of it the
392
00:14:22.110 --> 00:14:22.830
other time as well.
393
00:14:22.850 --> 00:14:23.590
Oh, my God.
394
00:14:23.750 --> 00:14:25.549
It just doesn't get easier. But now you've got two
395
00:14:25.590 --> 00:14:27.750
little ones to deal with as well at the same time.
396
00:14:28.009 --> 00:14:30.570
And they're sleeping patterns. And so I've got a five-year-old,
397
00:14:30.590 --> 00:14:32.629
a two-and-a-half-year-old, and then now a 12-day-old.
398
00:14:33.169 --> 00:14:35.769
So talk me through the last 12 hours of your
399
00:14:35.809 --> 00:14:37.769
life from 11 p.m.
400
00:14:37.809 --> 00:14:38.789
Last night to now.
401
00:14:38.929 --> 00:14:40.850
You sure there's not just shit on your tail and
402
00:14:40.870 --> 00:14:42.429
you're thinking it's from the flat? Yeah.
403
00:14:44.500 --> 00:14:46.799
Okay, so the first thing I forgot happens is that
404
00:14:47.019 --> 00:14:48.899
you dread the night in a way where the lack
405
00:14:48.940 --> 00:14:51.899
of sleep becomes so great that when you first wake
406
00:14:51.980 --> 00:14:54.759
up for the first feed and it's something like 2am,
407
00:14:55.059 --> 00:14:56.940
you kind of go, thank God it's 2am. At least
408
00:14:56.960 --> 00:14:59.620
we're a bit into the evening. Last night was the
409
00:14:59.679 --> 00:15:02.460
horror of waking up. And discovering it was 10.30pm and
410
00:15:02.500 --> 00:15:07.830
already feeling knackered and being like, fuck. And so, yeah,
411
00:15:07.870 --> 00:15:09.590
it was a long one last night. And then we've
412
00:15:09.629 --> 00:15:12.009
got two kids who still come into our bed all
413
00:15:12.029 --> 00:15:14.769
the time. And so we're dealing with this kind of
414
00:15:14.909 --> 00:15:17.360
jigsaw piece of how do we, because we have Kit,
415
00:15:17.409 --> 00:15:18.779
my new son, in the bed next to us.
416
00:15:18.779 --> 00:15:19.200
New son?
417
00:15:20.820 --> 00:15:21.399
My latest son.
418
00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:22.000
My new one.
419
00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:23.059
My new EP.
420
00:15:23.100 --> 00:15:24.059
My new drive.
421
00:15:24.100 --> 00:15:25.960
Is it right you're promoting him on this, yeah?
422
00:15:26.539 --> 00:15:33.120
Yeah. i've got this new son kit yeah he's available
423
00:15:33.220 --> 00:15:34.860
to babysit at any time.
424
00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:36.879
It's so i mean the reason we tried for a
425
00:15:36.899 --> 00:15:38.639
third kid is because we wanted a little girl we
426
00:15:38.659 --> 00:15:39.940
thought that'd be really nice and.
427
00:15:39.860 --> 00:15:41.720
So that's good for him to hear in a few
428
00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:42.120
years isn't.
429
00:15:42.059 --> 00:15:44.639
It yeah i hope he comes back to these shows
430
00:15:44.730 --> 00:15:46.990
and understands how loved he is it's quite funny actually
431
00:15:47.009 --> 00:15:48.750
because we went and we got a private scan to
432
00:15:48.789 --> 00:15:51.250
see if it was boy or girl and we hadn't
433
00:15:51.289 --> 00:15:53.570
told the person doing the scan if that we'd had
434
00:15:53.649 --> 00:15:56.279
kids before. And so she did this big thing where
435
00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:57.960
it was a big reveal with like lights. The whole
436
00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:00.059
room went blue. Oh, that's cool.
437
00:16:00.500 --> 00:16:00.740
I know.
438
00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:03.409
It was like a real kind of like 4D experience.
439
00:16:04.049 --> 00:16:06.669
But she went, it's a boy. And both me and
440
00:16:06.710 --> 00:16:09.049
Fenella just went, oh, fuck. We just.
441
00:16:13.289 --> 00:16:15.570
She was yeah so confused.
442
00:16:15.340 --> 00:16:17.220
Are you gonna go for a fourth then continue the
443
00:16:17.279 --> 00:16:20.700
hunt for no well god no give it a couple
444
00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:22.669
of years chase it down i.
445
00:16:22.629 --> 00:16:24.990
Know because we'll forget you're right we will forget and
446
00:16:25.029 --> 00:16:27.230
then just go again and then have another boy.
447
00:16:30.529 --> 00:16:33.470
Yeah, but you're so positive and relaxed, Dan. Because, like, yeah,
448
00:16:33.509 --> 00:16:35.129
we've met, obviously, we were flatmates, but.
449
00:16:35.289 --> 00:16:37.720
Obviously, we were flatmates. Obviously, that goes without saying.
450
00:16:37.750 --> 00:16:40.820
That goes without saying that we were flatmates. Get out now,
451
00:16:40.840 --> 00:16:43.980
we're flatmates. The old shitsmith sisters, you know, me, Beckett
452
00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:44.539
and Shriver.
453
00:16:44.940 --> 00:16:46.820
Old Shrez, Beckett and Shriver.
454
00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:51.600
Back on the sofa again. But whenever I come away
455
00:16:51.620 --> 00:16:54.039
from gigging with you, I'm like, I feel happier now
456
00:16:54.059 --> 00:16:56.559
because I've been in the company of Dan Schreiber. So
457
00:16:56.820 --> 00:16:58.919
how are you still this jolly with a 12-day-old son?
458
00:16:59.789 --> 00:17:02.029
Yeah, no, I guess that's just my way of being, really.
459
00:17:02.190 --> 00:17:05.109
I'm fairly happy. I really related when I've been reading
460
00:17:05.269 --> 00:17:08.119
and listening in... sort of like, I'll listen to a
461
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:10.279
chapter and then go back and read bits of your book,
462
00:17:10.359 --> 00:17:13.740
Parenting Hell. And there's so much I relate to, particularly
463
00:17:13.779 --> 00:17:16.920
the chapters with both your wives talking about the relationship
464
00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:19.119
that you guys have with your kids versus the relationship
465
00:17:19.180 --> 00:17:21.660
within the family household. It's exactly the same thing.
466
00:17:21.819 --> 00:17:23.480
That makes me worried for you, Dan.
467
00:17:24.160 --> 00:17:28.529
But I know where you're at, so I'm there. That's
468
00:17:28.569 --> 00:17:30.779
the same. We're rolling the shit.
469
00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:32.880
So let's rejoin you. It's 10.30pm.
470
00:17:32.980 --> 00:17:33.220
Yeah.
471
00:17:33.259 --> 00:17:34.759
You've just woken up for the first time.
472
00:17:34.900 --> 00:17:35.180
Yeah.
473
00:17:35.480 --> 00:17:37.140
How long did it take to get back to sleep?
474
00:17:37.680 --> 00:17:41.009
So first was because we're bottle feeding my son because
475
00:17:41.289 --> 00:17:44.930
we had the most chaotic of mastitis cases my wife
476
00:17:45.150 --> 00:17:46.470
had in our first child.
477
00:17:46.490 --> 00:17:47.750
Oh, that's brutal mastitis.
478
00:17:47.910 --> 00:17:49.990
Yeah, man, like she has it to a level where
479
00:17:50.329 --> 00:17:52.869
doctors are like, I've never heard it this bad whenever
480
00:17:52.910 --> 00:17:56.089
we talk about it in midwives. It ended up in surgery.
481
00:17:56.710 --> 00:17:59.759
She had an abscess that formed in her breast that
482
00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:01.640
had to be taken out. It was horrific.
483
00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:04.019
Can I do a quick ignorant bloke thing here? What's mastitis?
484
00:18:04.059 --> 00:18:06.220
Is that something to do with the nipple in breastfeeding?
485
00:18:06.380 --> 00:18:06.680
Yeah.
486
00:18:06.700 --> 00:18:06.920
Right.
487
00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:09.579
It's the milk ducts. They get clogged up and it's
488
00:18:09.599 --> 00:18:12.680
breastfeeding generally and it can happen with multiple things. But yeah,
489
00:18:12.700 --> 00:18:15.309
it's when breastfeeding turns into a nightmare and a lot
490
00:18:15.349 --> 00:18:17.150
of women... suffer from it that's.
491
00:18:17.009 --> 00:18:19.150
A great channel 5 show isn't it when breastfeeding turns
492
00:18:19.170 --> 00:18:21.069
into a nightmare absolutely.
493
00:18:23.089 --> 00:18:25.009
Yeah so we bottle feed now so the first thing
494
00:18:25.029 --> 00:18:27.789
at 10 30 is the negotiation who's doing the feed
495
00:18:27.890 --> 00:18:30.710
to begin with and that's a quick negotiation because i
496
00:18:31.269 --> 00:18:34.910
lose i have to do it actually vanilla will do
497
00:18:34.950 --> 00:18:36.789
the sort of like 2 a.m and the 4 a.m
498
00:18:36.930 --> 00:18:39.130
ones yeah the real hardcore ones i shouldn't.
499
00:18:38.849 --> 00:18:41.920
Complain about the hardcore session that isn't it yeah i
500
00:18:41.950 --> 00:18:44.539
mean they really are as well 10 p.m 6 a.m
501
00:18:44.579 --> 00:18:55.619
pussy slots that you're Sorry, pussy sounded disgusting. Is this
502
00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:57.089
the kind of stuff you do on No Such Things
503
00:18:57.130 --> 00:18:59.970
As Fish with the QI guys? Yeah, this is, yeah.
504
00:19:00.150 --> 00:19:00.910
Can't wait to get you on.
505
00:19:05.039 --> 00:19:06.359
But no i mean that's kind of what it is
506
00:19:06.420 --> 00:19:08.180
right there's not much story to tell you just get
507
00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:10.579
up you feed and you get back into bed and
508
00:19:10.740 --> 00:19:14.039
he's really kind of the burping i thought i'd nailed
509
00:19:14.259 --> 00:19:16.599
i thought two kids now i'd nailed how to do
510
00:19:16.660 --> 00:19:18.920
that but it's just they've each got their own ways.
511
00:19:18.700 --> 00:19:22.299
Fuck burping yeah man it's impossible i just don't believe
512
00:19:22.359 --> 00:19:25.269
it's possible and anyone that can do it it's just
513
00:19:25.289 --> 00:19:27.329
they were just gonna burp anyway you've just fluked it
514
00:19:27.509 --> 00:19:30.369
i just i just don't believe it's a lie I
515
00:19:30.390 --> 00:19:31.150
think it's a lie.
516
00:19:31.289 --> 00:19:34.869
Really? Winding's a lie.
517
00:19:35.130 --> 00:19:36.789
Yeah, this is my moon landings.
518
00:19:36.869 --> 00:19:40.650
This is the hill.
519
00:19:39.230 --> 00:19:41.799
I'm going to die on. I just can't do it.
520
00:19:41.849 --> 00:19:42.430
Can you do it?
521
00:19:42.430 --> 00:19:44.869
No, I sort of, they looked uncomfortable. So you sort
522
00:19:44.910 --> 00:19:46.809
of like lean them on your hand and then rub
523
00:19:46.829 --> 00:19:48.950
their back. And I sort of agreed. I was like,
524
00:19:49.230 --> 00:19:51.599
I more did it. to show Lou that I was trying.
525
00:19:51.839 --> 00:19:52.660
Yeah, exactly.
526
00:19:52.680 --> 00:19:54.039
But as I was doing it, I was like, this is,
527
00:19:54.180 --> 00:19:57.200
this kind of. I've never had to do that as
528
00:19:57.240 --> 00:19:59.819
an adult to burp. No. And they're just little adults,
529
00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:01.220
aren't they? To a point.
530
00:20:01.559 --> 00:20:01.799
Yeah.
531
00:20:01.980 --> 00:20:04.259
Okay. To a point.
532
00:20:05.289 --> 00:20:06.670
Every child's a little adult, right?
533
00:20:06.690 --> 00:20:08.710
Do you find though, Dan, because obviously it's your third,
534
00:20:08.769 --> 00:20:11.559
like when you say it's quite, obviously it's labour intensive
535
00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:13.380
getting up in the night and you're tired, but it's
536
00:20:13.420 --> 00:20:15.299
quite easy. But then do you think that's just because
537
00:20:15.319 --> 00:20:18.480
you're not psychologically worrying about it because you're more relaxed
538
00:20:18.799 --> 00:20:19.869
because you've had to already?
539
00:20:20.309 --> 00:20:22.289
Yeah, I'm way more relaxed this time. The first two,
540
00:20:22.529 --> 00:20:25.109
I was convinced that he would stop breathing in the
541
00:20:25.130 --> 00:20:27.130
middle of the night, so I found it impossible to
542
00:20:27.150 --> 00:20:29.329
go asleep. We'd have to check him every two seconds.
543
00:20:29.410 --> 00:20:31.970
I've lost that bit to an extent now, but I'm
544
00:20:31.990 --> 00:20:34.269
definitely a nervous dad. I think mainly because I'm just
545
00:20:34.349 --> 00:20:36.809
really shit in life. That idea that we're looking after
546
00:20:36.869 --> 00:20:39.829
a tiny little vulnerable child, and he came three weeks early,
547
00:20:39.869 --> 00:20:41.019
this one, so he's tiny.
548
00:20:41.190 --> 00:20:41.599
Oh, no.
549
00:20:41.779 --> 00:20:43.700
My whole thing is once they get to that size
550
00:20:43.720 --> 00:20:45.700
where they feel unbreakable, then you can relax a bit.
551
00:20:45.759 --> 00:20:48.819
But when they're still floppy, it's just nerve wracking.
552
00:20:48.839 --> 00:20:51.460
Yeah. I like a baby sort of tiger loaf size.
553
00:20:51.480 --> 00:20:54.740
You know that tiger break? Just that sort of like
554
00:20:54.759 --> 00:20:59.440
along the arm rather than like a little sort of floppy, underbaked,
555
00:20:59.539 --> 00:21:00.539
tiny French dick.
556
00:21:00.619 --> 00:21:01.460
Yes, exactly.
557
00:21:01.480 --> 00:21:03.279
Sort of quite bulky and solid. Then I can relax
558
00:21:03.319 --> 00:21:03.680
a bit more.
559
00:21:04.069 --> 00:21:04.769
Yeah, agreed.
560
00:21:05.240 --> 00:21:07.190
So when we booked you on this podcast, you thought
561
00:21:07.210 --> 00:21:08.849
you were going to be talking about having two kids.
562
00:21:09.009 --> 00:21:11.970
No, we knew we had a C-section coming up. Oh, sorry.
563
00:21:11.990 --> 00:21:13.069
But you had it three weeks early.
564
00:21:13.230 --> 00:21:13.410
Yeah.
565
00:21:13.549 --> 00:21:13.809
Sorry.
566
00:21:14.230 --> 00:21:14.490
Oh, yeah.
567
00:21:14.650 --> 00:21:15.829
Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
568
00:21:15.849 --> 00:21:18.769
Because we had an emergency C-section and we had a
569
00:21:18.789 --> 00:21:22.529
planned C-section. And our planned C-section was one of the
570
00:21:22.569 --> 00:21:24.519
most chilled out things I've ever been involved in.
571
00:21:24.930 --> 00:21:25.450
Oh, yeah.
572
00:21:27.829 --> 00:21:29.000
Oh, it's awesome, isn't it?
573
00:21:29.269 --> 00:21:31.069
I don't think they should have passed the bong around.
574
00:21:31.130 --> 00:21:31.859
I thought that was it.
575
00:21:31.950 --> 00:21:32.470
I thought that.
576
00:21:34.170 --> 00:21:37.109
So the first kid I had, Wilf, he was born
577
00:21:37.150 --> 00:21:40.819
in 2017 and we were in Tunbridge Wells because that's
578
00:21:40.859 --> 00:21:43.940
where my wife's family lives out in East Sussex.
579
00:21:44.420 --> 00:21:46.779
Royal Tunbridge Wells, they'll make you say, the in-laws.
580
00:21:46.980 --> 00:21:48.640
Royal Tunbridge Wells, right.
581
00:21:48.660 --> 00:21:50.779
The in-laws won't let you get away with that. It's royal.
582
00:21:50.839 --> 00:21:52.180
They're very proud of that down there.
583
00:21:53.319 --> 00:21:54.900
Yeah, it's a cool hospital, by the way. You get
584
00:21:54.920 --> 00:21:57.339
your own room after you have the baby, which is amazing.
585
00:21:57.359 --> 00:21:59.599
So you get to hang out in there. But yeah,
586
00:21:59.660 --> 00:22:01.519
it was like, you know, they said to us, bring
587
00:22:01.539 --> 00:22:04.220
your own music. You can play your own choice of music.
588
00:22:04.259 --> 00:22:06.119
And they asked me to bring it on a CD.
589
00:22:06.759 --> 00:22:10.299
I mean, it's 2017. CDs were gone at this point.
590
00:22:10.359 --> 00:22:12.779
And so I had the stress the night before my
591
00:22:12.819 --> 00:22:15.480
son was arriving of sitting with my father-in-law trying to
592
00:22:15.589 --> 00:22:19.829
find music. cd burning software that we could put songs
593
00:22:19.910 --> 00:22:22.970
onto it was an absolute nightmare he then snuck on
594
00:22:23.190 --> 00:22:25.930
like three eight minute long bob dylan songs without telling
595
00:22:25.970 --> 00:22:29.150
me so we're sort of like hoping to nicely time
596
00:22:29.220 --> 00:22:31.200
the birth to one of our favorite songs and suddenly
597
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:34.359
dylan comes on with hurricane or whatever some long-ass song
598
00:22:34.380 --> 00:22:36.480
that he's got yeah so this time around we did
599
00:22:36.519 --> 00:22:39.039
the same thing i spent the whole evening burning another
600
00:22:39.099 --> 00:22:41.769
cd picking out the songs we want I got in there,
601
00:22:42.190 --> 00:22:43.890
handed them the CD and they're like, what's this? What
602
00:22:43.910 --> 00:22:45.230
do you think? We're medieval here. Why do you think
603
00:22:45.269 --> 00:22:48.089
we get to see? Wait, wait, five years ago you were.
604
00:22:48.109 --> 00:22:51.910
Don't give me shit. And it was Bluetooth instead. And
605
00:22:51.950 --> 00:22:53.970
so I DJ'd while we were going. It was really
606
00:22:54.019 --> 00:22:56.799
nice because we only picked four songs and it took
607
00:22:56.859 --> 00:22:58.900
way longer. So I was going through Spotify, just picking
608
00:22:58.940 --> 00:23:00.059
new songs as we were.
609
00:23:00.099 --> 00:23:01.220
Yeah. It was wicked.
610
00:23:01.240 --> 00:23:02.799
What song was it when the baby came out?
611
00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:04.440
It was one of Fenella's choices.
612
00:23:04.460 --> 00:23:07.170
It was an advert. He hadn't paid for the full subscription.
613
00:23:07.230 --> 00:23:13.079
Yeah. Yeah. Lisa mattresses. It was a, uh, what was it?
614
00:23:13.079 --> 00:23:16.099
It was, um, cinematic orchestra. I think they're called build
615
00:23:16.140 --> 00:23:16.480
a home.
616
00:23:16.799 --> 00:23:17.119
Yeah.
617
00:23:17.140 --> 00:23:19.240
I don't know. We'll play it in. Cause we're now,
618
00:23:19.259 --> 00:23:21.440
I should say Spotify is a great app. We should
619
00:23:21.480 --> 00:23:21.839
add that.
620
00:23:22.660 --> 00:23:23.740
Yeah.
621
00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:24.500
You've moved.
622
00:23:24.839 --> 00:23:25.900
Yes. Congrats.
623
00:23:26.019 --> 00:23:28.700
I humbly back your choice to do that on Spotify.
624
00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:30.099
I think it was the correct decision, Dan.
625
00:23:30.140 --> 00:23:30.859
Wouldn't you agree?
626
00:23:30.920 --> 00:23:33.119
Absolutely. So what I was going to ask you is
627
00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:36.410
because you've gone early again for your third kid, your
628
00:23:36.670 --> 00:23:38.410
older ones aren't in school yet, are they? So are
629
00:23:38.430 --> 00:23:41.130
they in nursery or have you got childcare during the day?
630
00:23:41.150 --> 00:23:43.720
Or is Fenella off work or she's not working? What's
631
00:23:43.740 --> 00:23:46.319
the setup? How busy are you? No, yeah.
632
00:23:46.359 --> 00:23:50.150
So no, Wilf is in infant school. So he's in primary.
633
00:23:50.170 --> 00:23:50.250
Yeah.
634
00:23:50.670 --> 00:23:53.170
And Ted is in a nursery, our second kid. Oh,
635
00:23:53.190 --> 00:23:55.589
that's good. So they're at school right now, which is great. Yeah,
636
00:23:55.650 --> 00:23:56.089
that works.
637
00:23:56.170 --> 00:23:58.690
And people will be wondering about your accent. So where
638
00:23:58.710 --> 00:23:59.470
were you brought up, Dan?
639
00:23:59.730 --> 00:24:00.809
I was born in Hong Kong.
640
00:24:01.049 --> 00:24:02.150
You were born in Hong Kong.
641
00:24:02.170 --> 00:24:03.799
I thought I was getting a bit of a Hong
642
00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:04.779
Kong from that accent.
643
00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:06.920
Was that what you were?
644
00:24:07.059 --> 00:24:09.460
Yeah. I'm a Hong Kong guy.
645
00:24:11.579 --> 00:24:13.039
And then I was there till 13 and then I
646
00:24:13.079 --> 00:24:14.859
was in Sydney. So there's a bit of Aussie in
647
00:24:14.880 --> 00:24:16.819
there until I got here when I was 19. Yeah.
648
00:24:17.140 --> 00:24:20.539
And so how different is the schooling now sending your
649
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:21.960
child to school in the UK?
650
00:24:21.980 --> 00:24:23.700
I'll be honest with you, Dan, I thought it was American.
651
00:24:25.329 --> 00:24:26.549
Yeah, most people do.
652
00:24:26.569 --> 00:24:28.309
Oh, yeah, they do. And I've lived with you.
653
00:24:31.140 --> 00:24:32.619
I can't believe it never came up while you were
654
00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:34.019
sharing a house all that time.
655
00:24:34.099 --> 00:24:37.839
And you can speak Mandarin. Proficient, Wikipedia reckons. No, I
656
00:24:37.940 --> 00:24:40.009
used to be able to speak it really well. It's gone.
657
00:24:40.029 --> 00:24:41.619
But you could have just said you are, and no
658
00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:44.009
one would check on this podcast. Oh, yeah.
659
00:24:44.410 --> 00:24:46.529
There we go.
660
00:24:46.650 --> 00:24:47.690
Yeah, you have to let it go a bit, to
661
00:24:47.730 --> 00:24:51.750
be fair. A bit rusty. A bit rusty. Never mind, mate.
662
00:24:51.789 --> 00:24:55.230
Don't let it get you down. So where are you
663
00:24:55.259 --> 00:24:56.000
in London now, then?
664
00:24:56.400 --> 00:24:58.019
Yeah, South East. I'm in Sydenham.
665
00:24:58.380 --> 00:24:59.460
Oh, just around the corner, Dan.
666
00:24:59.640 --> 00:25:00.180
Of course you are.
667
00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:00.779
I'm Bromley.
668
00:25:01.259 --> 00:25:03.400
Every comic's South East except me.
669
00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:05.420
Yeah, Bromley boys. I've got three Bromley boys.
670
00:25:05.440 --> 00:25:08.180
You've got the big Sainsbury's there? Yeah. Where are you?
671
00:25:08.259 --> 00:25:08.819
You're South East?
672
00:25:08.880 --> 00:25:11.099
I'm Bromley. Oh, cool. Nice. We're well close. We should
673
00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:13.619
have a play date, Dan. Seeing, you know, old flatmates
674
00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:14.150
catching up.
675
00:25:14.509 --> 00:25:15.109
That'd be awesome, yeah.
676
00:25:15.549 --> 00:25:16.170
Unbelievable.
677
00:25:16.190 --> 00:25:17.650
Josh, you're going to have to... Neither of you live
678
00:25:17.670 --> 00:25:19.789
in London. Let's just get that very clear now. Josh,
679
00:25:19.910 --> 00:25:21.930
you're going to have to accept you're going to have
680
00:25:21.950 --> 00:25:25.329
to move out of East London... To enjoy your children.
681
00:25:25.690 --> 00:25:28.599
How does your postcode start, Dan? What two letters? S-E.
682
00:25:28.759 --> 00:25:29.539
Oh, here he is.
683
00:25:29.599 --> 00:25:31.660
S-E. Oh, you're in London. What about yours, Rob?
684
00:25:31.900 --> 00:25:32.680
B-R. Bromley.
685
00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:34.119
B-R, yeah, because you're not in London.
686
00:25:34.140 --> 00:25:37.180
Bromley. Yeah, the London borough of Bromley.
687
00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:37.980
Oh, no, no.
688
00:25:38.039 --> 00:25:38.819
There we go.
689
00:25:41.579 --> 00:25:44.079
So your kid's childhood is going to be way more
690
00:25:44.160 --> 00:25:48.420
simple than yours. Did you enjoy moving around when you
691
00:25:48.460 --> 00:25:51.180
were that age or did you find it quite stressful
692
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.279
or was it just normal?
693
00:25:52.799 --> 00:25:54.740
Well, Hong Kong, I mean, it was only two moves,
694
00:25:54.819 --> 00:25:56.940
which it's not that big, but Hong Kong was a
695
00:25:57.000 --> 00:26:00.519
weird place to live because you had every culture. smash
696
00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:02.789
together and i kind of look back now that i'm
697
00:26:02.809 --> 00:26:04.470
a dad i kind of look back on how was
698
00:26:04.529 --> 00:26:06.130
i influenced not so much by the place i was
699
00:26:06.150 --> 00:26:08.819
growing up but by my parents themselves because i think
700
00:26:08.880 --> 00:26:10.980
i'm definitely more product than my parents than i was
701
00:26:11.079 --> 00:26:13.400
the places i grew up in and i keep looking
702
00:26:13.420 --> 00:26:16.309
at my kids and thinking How am I influencing them
703
00:26:16.369 --> 00:26:18.490
to be like, what's the thing that's going to stick
704
00:26:18.589 --> 00:26:20.690
that makes them turn into whatever they do in life?
705
00:26:20.710 --> 00:26:23.140
Because you try and manufacture it to an extent, like
706
00:26:23.420 --> 00:26:24.079
all the toys.
707
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:26.539
Such a stiff neck. You're like me. We're nerds.
708
00:26:26.579 --> 00:26:28.359
We're trying to influence our kids. Rob couldn't give a
709
00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:30.210
fucking shit. Let him run free.
710
00:26:31.519 --> 00:26:32.940
I just, to be honest, I think the less I
711
00:26:32.980 --> 00:26:35.299
have of me is probably for the best. Let them
712
00:26:35.339 --> 00:26:39.690
find their own little journey. Dad, your parents, both celebrity hairdressers.
713
00:26:40.029 --> 00:26:40.349
Yeah.
714
00:26:40.670 --> 00:26:42.170
What? The least stiff neck job ever.
715
00:26:42.289 --> 00:26:42.710
What?
716
00:26:42.849 --> 00:26:46.230
Accidental celebrity. They met in Hong Kong as hairdressers. So
717
00:26:46.250 --> 00:26:48.930
my dad was from Australia. My mom was from England.
718
00:26:49.430 --> 00:26:51.369
They got together there and they opened up a salon
719
00:26:51.390 --> 00:26:54.519
and- there weren't really any Western salons there at the
720
00:26:54.559 --> 00:26:58.200
time in the late seventies, early eighties. And then Madonna
721
00:26:58.380 --> 00:27:02.140
exploded into Asia and everyone wanted Western haircuts and they
722
00:27:02.180 --> 00:27:05.240
were basically the only Western salon there. So yeah, they
723
00:27:05.279 --> 00:27:07.740
started anyone who came in, like my mom would do
724
00:27:07.769 --> 00:27:11.630
Madonna's hair or when president George Bush senior came in,
725
00:27:11.670 --> 00:27:13.430
she would do like his hair and.
726
00:27:14.369 --> 00:27:16.809
Uh, that's the better end of the anecdote there, dad.
727
00:27:16.849 --> 00:27:20.819
Yeah. Well, it depends what haircut Bush had. If he
728
00:27:20.839 --> 00:27:23.259
had a Madonna haircut, then that's a better anecdote. Yeah.
729
00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:25.099
Let's have a look at your hair. Duck down, Dan.
730
00:27:25.359 --> 00:27:26.960
My hair's chaotic. It's like I've rebelled.
731
00:27:27.059 --> 00:27:28.579
Oh, yeah. It's good, though, isn't it?
732
00:27:28.640 --> 00:27:29.180
Yeah. Yeah.
733
00:27:29.460 --> 00:27:30.569
So did you meet Madonna?
734
00:27:30.789 --> 00:27:33.710
No, I never did. I remember meeting Anna Nicole Smith.
735
00:27:33.730 --> 00:27:35.549
Oh, wow. Yeah.
736
00:27:35.630 --> 00:27:37.089
If I had to guess a name.
737
00:27:39.549 --> 00:27:41.170
That's the memory I have, that one.
738
00:27:41.190 --> 00:27:42.089
What was she like?
739
00:27:42.289 --> 00:27:44.789
Well, actually, I was more interested in meeting her bodyguard
740
00:27:44.809 --> 00:27:46.589
because the movie The Bodyguard had just come out at
741
00:27:46.609 --> 00:27:49.319
the time. And so she had this huge bodyguard with her.
742
00:27:49.410 --> 00:27:51.700
And my dad was like, he's a bodyguard. And I
743
00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:53.720
don't know, I kind of just didn't pay attention to her.
744
00:27:53.779 --> 00:27:56.480
Are you sure you're straight, Dave? I know. Because if
745
00:27:56.539 --> 00:27:58.240
I was a 13-year-old boy living in Hong Kong and
746
00:27:58.299 --> 00:28:00.660
Anna Nicole Smith turned up, I don't think I'd be
747
00:28:00.680 --> 00:28:01.799
looking at a bodyguard.
748
00:28:03.880 --> 00:28:05.720
Buff boy bodyguard, yeah.
749
00:28:07.230 --> 00:28:11.259
Raging hormone teenage boy here comes Anna Nicole Smith the
750
00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:14.779
playboy bunny who's that big fella behind her he looks nice.
751
00:28:16.519 --> 00:28:20.069
Me what I'm in the UK dreaming of meeting Anna
752
00:28:20.089 --> 00:28:23.490
Nicole Smith and not a sniff of meeting Anna Nicole Smith.
753
00:28:25.759 --> 00:28:27.539
He just likes big burly blows.
754
00:28:28.299 --> 00:28:32.059
Yeah. Kenny G. That was another highlight. Kenny G.
755
00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:32.779
Kenny G.
756
00:28:32.839 --> 00:28:33.180
Yeah.
757
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:35.700
He had a long kind of thin mullet, didn't he?
758
00:28:35.710 --> 00:28:36.250
Did he?
759
00:28:36.269 --> 00:28:37.990
Yeah, he had longish hair down the back. Do you
760
00:28:38.009 --> 00:28:38.430
know Rob?
761
00:28:38.470 --> 00:28:38.710
No, no.
762
00:28:38.750 --> 00:28:40.109
He's the saxophonist.
763
00:28:40.130 --> 00:28:42.049
That was a tough job for a barber because from
764
00:28:42.089 --> 00:28:43.769
what I remember, there wasn't that much of it and
765
00:28:43.789 --> 00:28:44.730
he was making it last.
766
00:28:44.750 --> 00:28:47.079
Yeah, Kenny G looks like a cockapoo, doesn't he?
767
00:28:47.119 --> 00:28:48.440
He does.
768
00:28:48.480 --> 00:28:50.960
I'd go to dog groomers before a hairdresser's for that.
769
00:28:54.410 --> 00:28:57.490
And did you ever consider going into the family trade?
770
00:28:57.750 --> 00:29:00.630
No, I actually, I gave my son his first haircut, Wilf.
771
00:29:00.950 --> 00:29:04.250
And I assumed that lifetime of growing up in salons
772
00:29:04.269 --> 00:29:06.789
would have just sort of osmosis come into me. So
773
00:29:07.190 --> 00:29:09.990
gave him his first hair, butchered him like properly. I
774
00:29:10.009 --> 00:29:11.750
had to zoom my parents and go, what do I do?
775
00:29:11.890 --> 00:29:12.650
How do I fix this?
776
00:29:12.750 --> 00:29:13.970
Yeah, yeah.
777
00:29:14.349 --> 00:29:17.549
Just absolute nightmare. So no, I've got, I've got no
778
00:29:17.609 --> 00:29:19.349
skills in the hairdressing world at all.
779
00:29:19.470 --> 00:29:22.529
And are you passing on to them? Now, I have
780
00:29:22.589 --> 00:29:24.240
met some parents that are.
781
00:29:24.720 --> 00:29:28.559
They're academics, and they're lovely people, but I was out
782
00:29:28.579 --> 00:29:32.200
with them, and their daughter knew too much for a
783
00:29:32.220 --> 00:29:33.160
five-year-old already.
784
00:29:33.349 --> 00:29:33.549
Right.
785
00:29:33.849 --> 00:29:35.289
Now, you are a man of facts.
786
00:29:35.609 --> 00:29:35.869
Yeah.
787
00:29:36.210 --> 00:29:38.349
Your new book, The Theory of Everything Else, A Voyage
788
00:29:38.430 --> 00:29:40.319
into the World of the Weird, we will... come to
789
00:29:40.339 --> 00:29:43.039
but i first want to ask are you someone who's
790
00:29:43.089 --> 00:29:44.730
kind of trying to pass.
791
00:29:44.509 --> 00:29:47.269
On lots and lots of knowledge to your children or
792
00:29:47.470 --> 00:29:47.890
are you.
793
00:29:47.789 --> 00:29:53.349
Rob I'm Rob.
794
00:29:53.690 --> 00:29:53.970
Are you?
795
00:29:54.190 --> 00:29:56.289
Yeah. All I'm trying to get into them is the
796
00:29:56.329 --> 00:29:59.349
culture of stuff that I like. So, for example, my son,
797
00:29:59.650 --> 00:30:02.799
we were watching the Tottenham Hotspurs match with Liverpool last
798
00:30:02.859 --> 00:30:06.259
night and Wilf was looking at the uniform of Tottenham
799
00:30:06.299 --> 00:30:09.680
and he said, is Andy Kaufman on that team? Andy Kaufman,
800
00:30:09.799 --> 00:30:11.720
the surrealist comedian.
801
00:30:11.759 --> 00:30:13.460
Yeah, the comedian. Who Jim Carrey played.
802
00:30:13.480 --> 00:30:13.619
Yeah.
803
00:30:13.640 --> 00:30:13.920
Yeah.
804
00:30:14.059 --> 00:30:14.200
Yeah.
805
00:30:14.220 --> 00:30:16.099
That Jim Carrey played. He said that because one of
806
00:30:16.119 --> 00:30:17.880
the toys, one of the first few toys that I
807
00:30:17.960 --> 00:30:21.569
bought for Wilf was from Andy Kaufman's WWF period where
808
00:30:21.589 --> 00:30:24.329
he was fighting as a wrestler. And the toy is
809
00:30:24.369 --> 00:30:27.049
released where he's wearing blue shorts, white leggings and a
810
00:30:27.089 --> 00:30:31.079
white top. And Wilf just assumed Andy Kaufman must be a.
811
00:30:31.299 --> 00:30:32.589
So that's what I'm passing on.
812
00:30:32.599 --> 00:30:32.660
So.
813
00:30:32.740 --> 00:30:34.960
So you're trying to indoctrinate them into your tastes rather
814
00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:35.640
than your knowledge.
815
00:30:36.019 --> 00:30:38.680
Yeah, exactly. I just keep buying them like they're toys.
816
00:30:38.740 --> 00:30:41.440
It's amazing. They're like literally mixing up Paw Patrol toys
817
00:30:41.519 --> 00:30:42.880
with Mork and Mindy toys.
818
00:30:43.559 --> 00:30:48.140
So they're into like 70s culture, 70s American sitcoms and
819
00:30:48.180 --> 00:30:48.769
Paw Patrol.
820
00:30:48.789 --> 00:30:49.769
Basically 70s comedy.
821
00:30:49.960 --> 00:30:52.269
I bought my daughter's load of resting figures and they
822
00:30:52.289 --> 00:30:54.009
had one of Ric Flair and Macho Man and they
823
00:30:54.029 --> 00:30:59.509
called it Daddy and Romesh. Macho Man's got quite the tan, mid-80s.
824
00:31:00.930 --> 00:31:03.170
Oh, that's awesome. I met Macho Man in Hong Kong.
825
00:31:03.210 --> 00:31:04.779
I interviewed him on radio when I was like eight.
826
00:31:04.859 --> 00:31:05.210
No way.
827
00:31:05.359 --> 00:31:05.660
Yeah.
828
00:31:05.839 --> 00:31:07.019
More interested in his bodyguard?
829
00:31:08.559 --> 00:31:10.400
I thought he was the bodyguard when you see him.
830
00:31:10.420 --> 00:31:14.140
That's why he likes him. Yeah. Because, like, you know,
831
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:16.210
you work on QI. You're one of the QI elves.
832
00:31:16.250 --> 00:31:17.089
Are you still doing that?
833
00:31:17.450 --> 00:31:20.230
No, not really. Because when the podcast started eight years ago,
834
00:31:20.490 --> 00:31:23.049
that really took off. And I was always really bad
835
00:31:23.089 --> 00:31:24.849
at the QI questions. I always came up with a
836
00:31:24.849 --> 00:31:26.029
lot of tubious crap stuff.
837
00:31:26.049 --> 00:31:26.569
That's what I'm saying.
838
00:31:26.589 --> 00:31:30.230
You're more of a loose neck in stiff neck clothing
839
00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:32.720
you are, Dan. Yeah. I'd say. You ride with the
840
00:31:32.759 --> 00:31:35.819
stiff necks, but you're actually a pretty loose celebrity hairdresser
841
00:31:35.839 --> 00:31:37.579
pair who's lived in Hong Kong, lived in Australia.
842
00:31:37.839 --> 00:31:39.900
You're basically Nicky Clark, who you won't know who it
843
00:31:40.019 --> 00:31:41.470
is because you didn't even grow up over it.
844
00:31:41.579 --> 00:31:42.960
Nicky Clark. No, I don't know.
845
00:31:43.039 --> 00:31:44.099
That's not the kind of.
846
00:31:44.519 --> 00:31:47.400
He was our celebrity hairdresser when we were growing up.
847
00:31:47.440 --> 00:31:49.289
So you sort of stopped working as a researcher on
848
00:31:49.450 --> 00:31:51.490
QR when the podcast came out. Is that right?
849
00:31:51.769 --> 00:31:54.329
Yeah, because that sort of, you know, we very quickly
850
00:31:54.630 --> 00:31:57.170
got a lot of listeners and we very quickly turned
851
00:31:57.210 --> 00:31:59.470
it into a live show. And I just became obsessed
852
00:31:59.490 --> 00:32:01.299
with just trying to have as much fun with that
853
00:32:01.339 --> 00:32:03.220
as possible. So yeah, step back from that and a
854
00:32:03.240 --> 00:32:06.759
few other things. But yeah, I agree. I love being
855
00:32:06.799 --> 00:32:10.059
around the academic-y types, but I'm not really... You know,
856
00:32:10.079 --> 00:32:12.200
I didn't even graduate high school, really. I went to
857
00:32:12.220 --> 00:32:15.480
a weird hippie... riddell steiner school yeah which um i
858
00:32:15.529 --> 00:32:17.450
found out recently is not hippie but that that doesn't
859
00:32:17.490 --> 00:32:19.430
matter it's he was quite a racist but what school
860
00:32:19.450 --> 00:32:21.529
was it it's called riddell steiner.
861
00:32:21.150 --> 00:32:23.109
Yeah it's quite out there isn't it aren't they.
862
00:32:23.049 --> 00:32:25.930
Obsessed with the number seven possibly that would fit into
863
00:32:25.990 --> 00:32:28.009
it just as part of that kind of cosmic you
864
00:32:28.069 --> 00:32:30.430
know interest and stuff right it's kind of like do
865
00:32:30.450 --> 00:32:32.769
you know montessori rob do you know those schools where
866
00:32:32.789 --> 00:32:35.150
they kind of focus on the creative.
867
00:32:34.529 --> 00:32:37.049
Basically the teachers can't be bothered to do a lesson plan.
868
00:32:36.950 --> 00:32:38.910
There you go yeah that was my upbringing.
869
00:32:39.009 --> 00:32:41.690
Yeah just let me just let them do that for
870
00:32:41.710 --> 00:32:43.710
a bit they'll be all right yeah i think i'm
871
00:32:43.769 --> 00:32:47.430
accidental monty story but they just so happen to be
872
00:32:47.490 --> 00:32:50.859
sat in front of the football on a sunday they
873
00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:53.200
decided to watch that that's fine but your parents a
874
00:32:53.200 --> 00:32:54.220
bit hippie-ish.
875
00:32:53.779 --> 00:32:56.119
Then yeah we moved into a very hippie area in
876
00:32:56.380 --> 00:33:00.319
australia called abalone and i was always surrounded by people
877
00:33:00.359 --> 00:33:03.210
that were sort of like either conspiracy theorists or new
878
00:33:03.309 --> 00:33:05.529
age kind of people yeah it's kind of like that
879
00:33:05.769 --> 00:33:07.950
yeah so steiner was very much that.
880
00:33:07.769 --> 00:33:09.769
And will your kids do that kind of thing or.
881
00:33:09.670 --> 00:33:10.890
That's what i'm trying to work out because it's the
882
00:33:10.910 --> 00:33:12.809
other thing you're trying to emulate your childhood to an
883
00:33:12.829 --> 00:33:14.829
extent and go well that worked for me will it
884
00:33:14.869 --> 00:33:16.970
work for them so should i do that but then
885
00:33:16.990 --> 00:33:20.890
it turns out private schools cost so much money that
886
00:33:20.990 --> 00:33:23.269
i don't know how i could afford to give them
887
00:33:23.309 --> 00:33:25.789
that kind of education i'm gonna try though.
888
00:33:25.849 --> 00:33:27.990
You thought about cutting hair well let's talk about your
889
00:33:28.039 --> 00:33:29.779
book in terms to get the money so that you
890
00:33:29.799 --> 00:33:31.880
can send them to a hippie school yeah Exactly.
891
00:33:32.180 --> 00:33:32.599
Exactly.
892
00:33:33.259 --> 00:33:35.779
So your book, The Theory of Everything Else, which I'll
893
00:33:35.799 --> 00:33:37.759
be honest, right? We get a lot of books sent
894
00:33:37.799 --> 00:33:38.569
to us, Dan.
895
00:33:38.740 --> 00:33:38.980
Oh, yeah.
896
00:33:39.089 --> 00:33:41.710
This one isn't going on my wall outside the house.
897
00:33:42.210 --> 00:33:45.329
And that is the biggest cover of an item today.
898
00:33:45.549 --> 00:33:47.660
Oh, wow. They don't even bother sending most of the
899
00:33:47.680 --> 00:33:49.819
books to me. I'll have this one, though.
900
00:33:50.779 --> 00:33:52.700
So you cover loads and loads of different.
901
00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:55.480
It says on the front, ideas, beliefs, claims and facts
902
00:33:55.700 --> 00:33:56.859
in quotation marks.
903
00:33:57.279 --> 00:33:57.539
Yeah.
904
00:33:58.180 --> 00:34:00.960
It says, Dan, you cover whether ghosts exist.
905
00:34:01.500 --> 00:34:01.819
Oh, yeah.
906
00:34:02.259 --> 00:34:02.619
Do they?
907
00:34:03.160 --> 00:34:03.900
Do you believe in ghosts?
908
00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:06.500
I don't know, Dan. I wouldn't want to stay in
909
00:34:06.519 --> 00:34:08.360
a haunted house overnight on my own.
910
00:34:08.539 --> 00:34:10.440
Right. He can't do hotels on his own. Never mind
911
00:34:10.460 --> 00:34:11.000
a haunted house.
912
00:34:11.079 --> 00:34:12.260
I can't do hotels on my.
913
00:34:13.239 --> 00:34:15.639
So, really? He can't. He has to take a special
914
00:34:15.659 --> 00:34:17.219
pillow and he doesn't like it.
915
00:34:17.769 --> 00:34:21.690
It's I've got a bad neck. That's not a ghost thing. So,
916
00:34:21.730 --> 00:34:24.250
it's not that I believe in ghosts. It's that I'm
917
00:34:24.289 --> 00:34:26.010
not confident that they don't exist.
918
00:34:26.050 --> 00:34:26.849
Yeah, okay.
919
00:34:27.010 --> 00:34:27.699
What about you, Rob?
920
00:34:27.989 --> 00:34:30.619
I don't believe in ghosts, but I believe in sort
921
00:34:30.679 --> 00:34:32.820
of the universe. This sounds a bit wanky, but it's
922
00:34:32.840 --> 00:34:34.579
sort of there's stuff going on in the universe. It's
923
00:34:34.599 --> 00:34:36.500
sort of like you think your ego likes to tell
924
00:34:36.519 --> 00:34:37.800
you you can have an impact on the world, but
925
00:34:37.860 --> 00:34:40.010
a lot of the time it's sort of slight fate
926
00:34:40.050 --> 00:34:42.730
and slight... You're a bit lucky with how the penny
927
00:34:42.750 --> 00:34:46.409
drops kind of thing. And sometimes weird things happen and
928
00:34:46.570 --> 00:34:48.329
it sort of links up and you want to put
929
00:34:48.349 --> 00:34:50.170
a label on it. So you'll call it a ghost.
930
00:34:50.269 --> 00:34:53.250
Synchronicity and stuff, right? Yeah, that kind of stuff.
931
00:34:53.550 --> 00:34:55.380
I loved that's my favorite thing when I was doing
932
00:34:55.420 --> 00:34:58.679
the book. Synchronicity was my favorite thing. Anytime something feels
933
00:34:58.719 --> 00:35:00.280
like destiny is played a part.
934
00:35:00.360 --> 00:35:00.599
Yes.
935
00:35:00.699 --> 00:35:02.320
Even if you don't believe it. I read the story,
936
00:35:02.340 --> 00:35:05.320
which is in the book, which is that in 1981,
937
00:35:05.320 --> 00:35:08.360
Ronald Reagan, there was an assassination attempt on him. And
938
00:35:08.820 --> 00:35:10.619
so he came out of a hotel. Someone shot at
939
00:35:10.659 --> 00:35:13.320
him and his Secret Service guy quickly grabbed him and
940
00:35:13.360 --> 00:35:14.739
threw him into the back of a limo. And they
941
00:35:14.760 --> 00:35:17.219
drove out of there and they worked out during the
942
00:35:17.239 --> 00:35:19.090
drive back to the White House that he'd been shot.
943
00:35:19.469 --> 00:35:21.909
So Jerry Parr, the Secret Service guy, went against all
944
00:35:21.949 --> 00:35:24.550
protocol and he said, get him to a hospital now,
945
00:35:24.710 --> 00:35:27.150
which you shouldn't ever do with a president, a random hospital.
946
00:35:27.230 --> 00:35:29.219
They get him there. They find out that if they
947
00:35:29.239 --> 00:35:31.500
got there five minutes later, he would have died. So
948
00:35:31.800 --> 00:35:33.619
he managed to save the president's life and he was
949
00:35:33.639 --> 00:35:36.110
sort of heralded as a hero, sort of big character.
950
00:35:36.929 --> 00:35:40.260
The only reason that Jerry Parr became a Secret Service
951
00:35:40.340 --> 00:35:42.639
agent in his life is because when he was a kid,
952
00:35:42.699 --> 00:35:44.920
he went to the cinema to see a movie called
953
00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:47.860
Code of the Secret Service, all about the Secret Service.
954
00:35:47.920 --> 00:35:49.719
And he fell in love with the lead character, thought
955
00:35:49.739 --> 00:35:51.820
it was incredible, and then became that later in life.
956
00:35:52.519 --> 00:35:55.420
The actor playing the role of the Secret Service agent...
957
00:35:55.610 --> 00:35:56.869
was Ronald Reagan.
958
00:35:56.730 --> 00:36:00.289
Oh yes please no so there we go he saved
959
00:36:00.329 --> 00:36:03.760
himself it's full circle yeah I love it he seeded
960
00:36:03.840 --> 00:36:04.440
it and so.
961
00:36:04.500 --> 00:36:06.739
That's why I'm into synchronicity I didn't know what I
962
00:36:06.739 --> 00:36:10.380
was into can I just say of course it's a
963
00:36:10.460 --> 00:36:17.590
story from Dan about a bodyguard what is What is
964
00:36:17.610 --> 00:36:18.630
this all about?
965
00:36:18.730 --> 00:36:20.409
This bodyguard obsession?
966
00:36:21.010 --> 00:36:24.429
Exactly. It's all linking in and I'll wipe my arse
967
00:36:24.510 --> 00:36:27.039
on that towel for a story in a podcast in
968
00:36:27.139 --> 00:36:29.940
eight years' time at the end of a fridge. Yeah.
969
00:36:30.159 --> 00:36:32.539
But that's what I sort of believe. These weird things
970
00:36:32.579 --> 00:36:34.099
happen and people try to explain it by ghost, but
971
00:36:34.119 --> 00:36:39.650
that's a great one. I've got a good synchronicity story. Oh, yeah.
972
00:36:39.670 --> 00:36:41.289
We should probably talk about kids in a minute as well,
973
00:36:41.309 --> 00:36:42.130
but I'm quite enjoying this.
974
00:36:42.190 --> 00:36:42.489
Fuck it.
975
00:36:43.130 --> 00:36:44.789
We're going to come back to whether ghosts exist as well,
976
00:36:44.809 --> 00:36:46.690
because I do need an answer on that. Yeah, yeah,
977
00:36:46.710 --> 00:36:48.449
we'll do the ghost stuff next. When I was going
978
00:36:48.469 --> 00:36:50.630
to do my first ever gig, I applied to do
979
00:36:50.670 --> 00:36:52.280
a gig, and they went, yeah, literally did it on
980
00:36:52.320 --> 00:36:54.099
a Wednesday up the creek, and I went, yeah, come
981
00:36:54.139 --> 00:36:57.219
down Sunday, and replied on a Thursday, which never normally happens.
982
00:36:57.239 --> 00:36:58.599
Normally it's months and months for those.
983
00:36:58.440 --> 00:37:00.340
Sort of gigs. Will Briggs isn't very good at replying.
984
00:37:00.659 --> 00:37:01.460
No, exactly.
985
00:37:01.480 --> 00:37:02.159
You can leave that in.
986
00:37:02.400 --> 00:37:03.949
And when I asked him about it, he said he
987
00:37:04.150 --> 00:37:07.349
came back from Edinburgh and I was literally the last
988
00:37:07.389 --> 00:37:08.170
person that emailed him.
989
00:37:08.349 --> 00:37:10.010
Oh, so you were the... That's how I got the gig.
990
00:37:10.380 --> 00:37:13.869
On the top of his emails, by the way. Because
991
00:37:13.889 --> 00:37:15.130
I said, how did I get this gig? It's my
992
00:37:15.150 --> 00:37:16.570
first ever one. He went, to be honest with you, mate,
993
00:37:16.630 --> 00:37:18.130
I was busy. It was the first email and I said,
994
00:37:18.150 --> 00:37:18.849
come down Sunday.
995
00:37:19.050 --> 00:37:19.650
That's so good.
996
00:37:19.969 --> 00:37:22.769
And anyway, so I nearly cancelled it because I wasn't
997
00:37:22.809 --> 00:37:24.380
ready for it. I'd never done a gig before. My
998
00:37:24.389 --> 00:37:27.079
first ever gig and it's a massive club. And I
999
00:37:27.079 --> 00:37:28.460
was waiting to pick my brother up from the station.
1000
00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:29.659
I was like, no, I'm not going to do it.
1001
00:37:29.679 --> 00:37:31.059
I'm not going to do it. And the radio, a
1002
00:37:31.079 --> 00:37:33.320
song come on the radio, Ask by the Smiths. And
1003
00:37:33.400 --> 00:37:35.559
it's like, one of the lyrics is, shyness is nice,
1004
00:37:35.579 --> 00:37:38.099
but shyness can stop you doing things right. in life
1005
00:37:38.119 --> 00:37:39.940
you like to do yeah that lyric and i was
1006
00:37:39.960 --> 00:37:41.679
like yeah actually i want to do it but i'm
1007
00:37:41.719 --> 00:37:43.760
scared so just do it so i went and did
1008
00:37:43.780 --> 00:37:46.280
the gig and just before i went on in the
1009
00:37:46.320 --> 00:37:49.289
interval they had like a playlist on that song came
1010
00:37:49.389 --> 00:37:51.909
on and i heard that line this was like in
1011
00:37:51.909 --> 00:37:53.949
2009 not like a chart.
1012
00:37:53.630 --> 00:37:55.610
Song it's not even one of their biggest hits yeah
1013
00:37:55.789 --> 00:37:57.730
it wouldn't be in their top five songs on spotify
1014
00:37:57.789 --> 00:37:59.349
the best the best and it's not a.
1015
00:37:59.369 --> 00:38:01.550
Song that you put on on a playlist for a
1016
00:38:01.570 --> 00:38:02.130
night out.
1017
00:38:02.289 --> 00:38:03.489
No, no, exactly.
1018
00:38:03.889 --> 00:38:05.869
You know, yeah. So I was just like, bloody, and
1019
00:38:05.909 --> 00:38:07.989
that's always sort of stuck with me, those little weird moments.
1020
00:38:08.010 --> 00:38:10.800
And I think people try and label it, but maybe
1021
00:38:10.820 --> 00:38:12.940
synchronicity is the right thing, whatever it is. But yeah,
1022
00:38:12.960 --> 00:38:14.860
that's what I believe in. But ghosts, are they real
1023
00:38:14.880 --> 00:38:15.360
or not, Dan?
1024
00:38:15.659 --> 00:38:17.320
Well, I don't know. I don't know if they're real
1025
00:38:17.360 --> 00:38:19.730
or not. It's the same thing with synchronicity. They're just fun,
1026
00:38:19.869 --> 00:38:20.230
aren't they?
1027
00:38:20.369 --> 00:38:21.269
Yeah, yeah.
1028
00:38:21.389 --> 00:38:22.590
And they've influenced the world.
1029
00:38:22.630 --> 00:38:24.110
Have you got a good ghost story in there, Dan?
1030
00:38:24.369 --> 00:38:26.969
Well, I've got a thing where it's the paranormal and
1031
00:38:26.989 --> 00:38:28.869
the kind of the occult. I've got stuff in there.
1032
00:38:28.889 --> 00:38:30.250
Hit me up with that. Hit me up with that.
1033
00:38:30.469 --> 00:38:33.800
One of my favorite things is the Beatles, right? So
1034
00:38:33.900 --> 00:38:34.480
Ringo Starr.
1035
00:38:34.500 --> 00:38:37.119
Yes, please. Here we go. Here we bloody go.
1036
00:38:37.219 --> 00:38:40.019
Ringo Starr. Do you know why Ringo Starr has such
1037
00:38:40.059 --> 00:38:41.079
a unique drum beat?
1038
00:38:41.119 --> 00:38:41.360
No.
1039
00:38:41.639 --> 00:38:44.260
So he's known to have this thing where he's got
1040
00:38:44.300 --> 00:38:46.599
the Ringo swing. It's where his drum beat is just
1041
00:38:46.820 --> 00:38:48.860
ever so slightly out of time. It's just like a
1042
00:38:48.980 --> 00:38:52.989
millisecond lazier. So in studios, people like Dave Grohl will say, like,
1043
00:38:53.130 --> 00:38:55.230
they'll yell out, like, give us more Ringo, which means
1044
00:38:55.250 --> 00:38:57.429
get a bit looser with it and so on. So
1045
00:38:57.449 --> 00:39:00.380
the reason that Ringo has such a weird, unique drumbeat
1046
00:39:00.460 --> 00:39:03.880
is because his grandmother performed multiple exorcisms on him as
1047
00:39:03.920 --> 00:39:06.650
a child to get rid of his left handedness and
1048
00:39:06.690 --> 00:39:09.269
expel the devil out of him. So that that is
1049
00:39:09.309 --> 00:39:11.650
the only reason. So he how does that?
1050
00:39:11.690 --> 00:39:11.829
Yeah.
1051
00:39:11.849 --> 00:39:13.949
So she was known as the voodoo queen of Liverpool.
1052
00:39:14.090 --> 00:39:14.380
Right.
1053
00:39:14.570 --> 00:39:17.320
That's what he called her. And she was obsessed with
1054
00:39:17.340 --> 00:39:19.780
the idea that left handedness meant you had the devil
1055
00:39:19.820 --> 00:39:22.619
inside you did the exorcisms on him as he started
1056
00:39:22.659 --> 00:39:24.619
learning the drum. So he bought a right handed kit
1057
00:39:24.639 --> 00:39:26.909
and was drumming right handed. But then when he moved
1058
00:39:26.969 --> 00:39:29.449
out of home, he went back to being left-handed, but
1059
00:39:29.469 --> 00:39:32.320
he kept a right-handed kit. So he drums backwards on
1060
00:39:32.360 --> 00:39:35.340
a drum kit, right? And in order to get to
1061
00:39:35.360 --> 00:39:37.780
the toms, if you're leading with your right hand, that's
1062
00:39:37.820 --> 00:39:39.659
a really easy way. But if you lead with your left,
1063
00:39:39.679 --> 00:39:42.440
you have to go underneath. And that little underneath bit
1064
00:39:42.760 --> 00:39:45.480
gives it that millisecond delay. That means the Beatles have
1065
00:39:45.500 --> 00:39:47.440
their beat. That's what gave it to them.
1066
00:39:47.460 --> 00:39:48.719
Wow, that's amazing. Exorcisms.
1067
00:39:49.019 --> 00:39:50.239
Yeah, that's one that I like.
1068
00:39:50.260 --> 00:39:52.590
That's great. Do you know what? Fuck parenting. Let's just
1069
00:39:52.630 --> 00:39:55.130
talk about the book. Give us some more. Give us
1070
00:39:55.150 --> 00:39:55.449
some more.
1071
00:39:55.610 --> 00:39:56.210
Okay, actually.
1072
00:39:56.269 --> 00:39:57.090
I've got a couple more.
1073
00:39:57.269 --> 00:39:57.940
Yeah, sorry, go on.
1074
00:39:58.050 --> 00:39:59.369
I've got the Shane Warne one. Have you heard of
1075
00:39:59.409 --> 00:40:00.829
the Shane Warne one? Have you seen his documentary?
1076
00:40:00.849 --> 00:40:00.909
No.
1077
00:40:00.909 --> 00:40:03.530
Because he's got incredibly strong wrists and massive hands and
1078
00:40:03.750 --> 00:40:05.550
it enables him to probably spin a ball so he
1079
00:40:05.570 --> 00:40:08.880
could really do that spin. in cricket and apparently he
1080
00:40:08.920 --> 00:40:11.699
broke his legs when he was a two-year-old so his
1081
00:40:11.719 --> 00:40:15.260
dad built him like a little um skateboard a wheelbarrow
1082
00:40:15.300 --> 00:40:17.139
and he used to pull himself along with his hands
1083
00:40:17.199 --> 00:40:20.059
yeah on this little skateboard to get around on this
1084
00:40:20.340 --> 00:40:21.920
because he couldn't walk and he was only two and
1085
00:40:21.940 --> 00:40:24.389
wanted to play and it built up these huge wrists
1086
00:40:24.409 --> 00:40:25.969
that really were powerful when he was doing his.
1087
00:40:25.929 --> 00:40:28.809
Cricket wow He was amazing. I saw a clip yesterday,
1088
00:40:28.909 --> 00:40:31.150
last night about Freddie Flintoff when he was on Jonathan
1089
00:40:31.190 --> 00:40:33.309
Ross's show. And he was talking about how ahead of
1090
00:40:33.389 --> 00:40:36.099
one of England's matches, someone told a ghost story and
1091
00:40:36.119 --> 00:40:38.099
he got so petrified that he had to get into
1092
00:40:38.159 --> 00:40:40.099
bed with one of the other players and spoon him
1093
00:40:40.159 --> 00:40:41.900
all night because he was worried.
1094
00:40:41.920 --> 00:40:43.389
Do you know, I once stayed in a hotel that
1095
00:40:43.409 --> 00:40:45.949
was so scary for like to share a room. Because
1096
00:40:46.010 --> 00:40:47.909
it was just too scary.
1097
00:40:48.190 --> 00:40:51.909
That was like a Me Too story. No, it was consensual,
1098
00:40:51.969 --> 00:40:52.699
separate beds.
1099
00:40:52.889 --> 00:40:55.139
Do you know Dan Aykroyd? He comes from a family
1100
00:40:55.159 --> 00:40:57.280
of ghost hunters, like actual ghost hunters.
1101
00:40:57.380 --> 00:40:57.760
Oh, does he?
1102
00:40:57.760 --> 00:41:00.119
Yeah, they used to do seances and all that sort
1103
00:41:00.139 --> 00:41:02.829
of stuff. And so him writing... So is that where Ghostbusters...
1104
00:41:02.489 --> 00:41:04.849
just comes yeah it comes from him not parodying it's
1105
00:41:04.889 --> 00:41:07.809
him having total knowledge of it and he claims that
1106
00:41:07.849 --> 00:41:10.869
he once woke up in bed with a ghost sleeping
1107
00:41:10.949 --> 00:41:12.369
next to him and he thought what do i do
1108
00:41:12.409 --> 00:41:14.889
i'm not sure and so he spooned it and just
1109
00:41:14.929 --> 00:41:17.769
stayed the night with the ghost supposedly.
1110
00:41:17.170 --> 00:41:18.909
Well come on dan that's.
1111
00:41:18.789 --> 00:41:23.139
What he says And check this out. I only discovered
1112
00:41:23.159 --> 00:41:24.360
this the other day. It was too late to put
1113
00:41:24.400 --> 00:41:26.199
in the book. I have a bunch of other ghost
1114
00:41:26.219 --> 00:41:29.090
stuff in there. But Ghostbusters, you know Sliber?
1115
00:41:29.269 --> 00:41:29.630
Yeah, yeah.
1116
00:41:29.849 --> 00:41:32.469
That green famous ghost in Ghostbusters.
1117
00:41:32.510 --> 00:41:32.829
Yeah, yeah.
1118
00:41:32.949 --> 00:41:35.130
The guy who was designing it couldn't get it right.
1119
00:41:35.170 --> 00:41:37.010
And it came to a deadline and he needed to
1120
00:41:37.050 --> 00:41:39.559
get it done perfectly. And he claims... He did a
1121
00:41:39.679 --> 00:41:42.260
lot of drugs and was trying to design it the
1122
00:41:42.320 --> 00:41:44.539
night before it was handed in. And the ghost of
1123
00:41:44.659 --> 00:41:47.760
John Belushi, who was one of the big American comics
1124
00:41:47.800 --> 00:41:50.590
of Blues Brothers and so on, came to him and
1125
00:41:50.849 --> 00:41:53.829
posed for him. And Slimer is based on the ghost
1126
00:41:53.849 --> 00:41:56.409
of John Belushi. That is in Ghostbusters.
1127
00:41:57.369 --> 00:41:57.909
It's mad.
1128
00:41:59.199 --> 00:42:00.699
But listen, hey, on kids' stuff.
1129
00:42:00.780 --> 00:42:03.739
Yeah, we'll just say that's The Theory of Everything Else,
1130
00:42:04.260 --> 00:42:05.269
which is out now, is it, Dan?
1131
00:42:05.590 --> 00:42:07.429
It's out now, and it is, I'll just say, it's
1132
00:42:07.469 --> 00:42:09.469
one of those books where I just basically found stories
1133
00:42:09.510 --> 00:42:11.110
like the ones we've been talking about that you can
1134
00:42:11.150 --> 00:42:12.949
tell in the pub, in the dinner table. It's just
1135
00:42:13.690 --> 00:42:15.710
all those stories that gives you goosebumps at the end
1136
00:42:15.750 --> 00:42:15.949
of it.
1137
00:42:16.090 --> 00:42:17.610
A lot of bang for your buck.
1138
00:42:17.650 --> 00:42:18.469
Yeah, exactly.
1139
00:42:18.489 --> 00:42:20.340
How are you finding these stories? We will get back
1140
00:42:20.360 --> 00:42:21.599
to Pony. Just last question, last question.
1141
00:42:21.699 --> 00:42:22.139
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1142
00:42:22.159 --> 00:42:23.559
How do you discover all this stuff?
1143
00:42:23.760 --> 00:42:28.599
I make them all up. LAUGHTER It's all complete bollocks.
1144
00:42:28.639 --> 00:42:30.829
That's the thing. It's so hard to work out what's
1145
00:42:30.869 --> 00:42:32.610
true and not true because so much of it is
1146
00:42:32.650 --> 00:42:35.150
just like there's a chapter where a guy worked out
1147
00:42:35.190 --> 00:42:37.670
that we could talk to plants because he was the
1148
00:42:37.730 --> 00:42:40.619
CIA's guy who did lie detection machines. So he was
1149
00:42:40.639 --> 00:42:43.219
the first guy to do polygraph and he attached a
1150
00:42:43.360 --> 00:42:46.860
electrode to one of the leaves of a plant. And
1151
00:42:47.199 --> 00:42:50.250
he started communicating with it because it started responding on
1152
00:42:50.670 --> 00:42:52.489
the machine. And he thought, what the fuck is going
1153
00:42:52.550 --> 00:42:54.570
on here? And he worked out that there was a
1154
00:42:54.590 --> 00:42:57.880
kind of telekinesis connection between him and the plant world.
1155
00:42:58.300 --> 00:43:00.599
And this was a huge boom in the 1970s where
1156
00:43:00.659 --> 00:43:03.420
everyone like the reason everyone talks to plants now is
1157
00:43:03.480 --> 00:43:06.570
basically because of this guy from the 1970s thinking that
1158
00:43:06.590 --> 00:43:09.550
there was communication. But he thought we could start a
1159
00:43:09.610 --> 00:43:13.409
police unit, like an elite unit who can catch murderers
1160
00:43:13.769 --> 00:43:16.989
because he had two pot plants in a room and
1161
00:43:17.030 --> 00:43:19.409
he had six people lined up to come in the room.
1162
00:43:19.659 --> 00:43:21.860
And only one person was going to go in and
1163
00:43:21.920 --> 00:43:24.840
basically murder one of the plants. and then that person
1164
00:43:24.860 --> 00:43:26.739
was not going to tell the others that they'd done
1165
00:43:26.760 --> 00:43:28.159
it so it was a sort of who did this
1166
00:43:28.719 --> 00:43:30.659
they all then came in a lineup and the one
1167
00:43:30.699 --> 00:43:33.119
remaining pot plant that was in the room picked it
1168
00:43:33.239 --> 00:43:36.340
out picked out the murderer in a lineup using the
1169
00:43:36.360 --> 00:43:39.539
polygraph and he thought fuck we've got plants that can
1170
00:43:39.579 --> 00:43:42.110
discover who the murderers are now we should get this
1171
00:43:42.179 --> 00:43:44.409
out to the police we should start an elite force
1172
00:43:44.469 --> 00:43:47.309
it's like all these kind of like but then you
1173
00:43:47.329 --> 00:43:48.769
read the story and you're like where's the truth i
1174
00:43:48.849 --> 00:43:50.409
mean there is no truth in it right because it's
1175
00:43:50.570 --> 00:43:53.230
mad as shit but it's informed the world and changed
1176
00:43:53.269 --> 00:43:55.190
the way that we all are now with plants.
1177
00:43:55.210 --> 00:43:55.909
That's amazing.
1178
00:43:55.929 --> 00:43:57.789
But I don't know what to believe in these stories.
1179
00:43:58.110 --> 00:44:00.940
Dan, I love these stories, but how bored is your
1180
00:44:00.980 --> 00:44:01.519
wife of them?
1181
00:44:01.820 --> 00:44:04.619
Oh my God. She hates them. She hates them.
1182
00:44:04.639 --> 00:44:04.880
Yeah.
1183
00:44:04.900 --> 00:44:07.760
Yeah. But she's in the book. She's in the book
1184
00:44:07.840 --> 00:44:10.150
because weird shit happens to her all the time. She's
1185
00:44:10.210 --> 00:44:12.070
one of those people that as soon as someone comes
1186
00:44:12.150 --> 00:44:15.030
up to her, they just tell her their weird story.
1187
00:44:15.050 --> 00:44:18.650
We We had a plumber come over. This was during lockdown.
1188
00:44:18.929 --> 00:44:21.449
And he came in, said hi, and Fenella showed him
1189
00:44:21.510 --> 00:44:23.260
into the bathroom and I went to the kitchen to
1190
00:44:23.280 --> 00:44:26.679
make some tea. She came in three minutes later and went, God,
1191
00:44:26.719 --> 00:44:28.739
what an interesting guy. I was like, oh, yeah, how so?
1192
00:44:29.059 --> 00:44:31.539
She went, well, he was born in Kazakhstan. And apparently
1193
00:44:31.559 --> 00:44:32.679
when he was a kid, he was sitting in a
1194
00:44:32.739 --> 00:44:35.300
field and an eagle swooped down, picked him up and
1195
00:44:35.320 --> 00:44:35.960
flew away with him.
1196
00:44:36.219 --> 00:44:36.320
What?
1197
00:44:36.380 --> 00:44:38.440
And I was like, hang on, you were with this
1198
00:44:38.460 --> 00:44:41.260
guy for three minutes. How did you get this story?
1199
00:44:41.469 --> 00:44:43.369
And I asked him and it was true. He said,
1200
00:44:43.409 --> 00:44:45.750
he said his mum fortunately saw the eagle flying off
1201
00:44:45.769 --> 00:44:47.289
with him, grabbed a big stick and was able to
1202
00:44:47.409 --> 00:44:50.489
beat the eagle down. And like a lot of people
1203
00:44:50.530 --> 00:44:52.619
say that's not true. But a few years back before
1204
00:44:52.659 --> 00:44:54.900
this story, I did meet a guy who was a
1205
00:44:55.079 --> 00:44:57.920
eagles who steal children expert. And I saw a file
1206
00:44:57.960 --> 00:44:59.880
of his. So I know that it is a thing
1207
00:44:59.920 --> 00:45:02.860
that happens. But So she's actually more a magnet for
1208
00:45:02.900 --> 00:45:05.280
the weird stuff. And one thing that I didn't put
1209
00:45:05.320 --> 00:45:06.719
in the book, and I'll be curious to see if
1210
00:45:06.739 --> 00:45:08.869
you guys had this with your kids, because I put
1211
00:45:08.909 --> 00:45:11.590
this up on Twitter and the response I had to
1212
00:45:11.670 --> 00:45:14.849
it was thousands of replies from parents globally talking about
1213
00:45:14.869 --> 00:45:17.489
a similar thing. So this is the tweet I put up.
1214
00:45:17.530 --> 00:45:21.329
This was in August 19th, 2021. Interesting bedtime chat with
1215
00:45:21.349 --> 00:45:24.409
my three-year-old tonight. Daddy, I had a family a long
1216
00:45:24.469 --> 00:45:26.730
time ago and my mummy was called Socky and I
1217
00:45:26.769 --> 00:45:29.110
was called Anki, but then I died and now I'm
1218
00:45:29.130 --> 00:45:29.829
with your family.
1219
00:45:30.030 --> 00:45:30.789
Oh my God.
1220
00:45:31.610 --> 00:45:33.869
Oh god i listened to a podcast about like a
1221
00:45:34.250 --> 00:45:37.889
previous life thing yeah and they had all the details
1222
00:45:37.969 --> 00:45:39.909
and stuff and it all checked out and they were
1223
00:45:39.929 --> 00:45:41.440
kids and it was weird.
1224
00:45:41.280 --> 00:45:43.880
It was so weird because i don't really necessarily believe
1225
00:45:44.059 --> 00:45:44.739
in that kind of stuff i've.
1226
00:45:44.679 --> 00:45:48.019
Not had that it would freak me the fuck out out.
1227
00:45:48.019 --> 00:45:50.219
We were so scared he was asleep we were just
1228
00:45:50.280 --> 00:45:52.019
reading in bed and he just sat up and then
1229
00:45:52.059 --> 00:45:54.500
he uttered that sentence and i quickly got my phone
1230
00:45:54.599 --> 00:45:56.059
out and i've got a recording of the rest of
1231
00:45:56.079 --> 00:45:58.500
the story of him just telling us me interviewing him
1232
00:45:58.539 --> 00:46:03.059
and him explaining god where he was and stressing me out.
1233
00:46:03.039 --> 00:46:04.860
Oh my god i'm stressing i'm biting my nails now
1234
00:46:04.889 --> 00:46:06.079
i'm panicking i've.
1235
00:46:05.760 --> 00:46:08.690
Sat on one foot i've sat on one foot he.
1236
00:46:08.590 --> 00:46:10.449
Sat on one foot he whipped the foot up under
1237
00:46:10.469 --> 00:46:14.340
his bum Oh, maybe that's true. Maybe we do have
1238
00:46:14.400 --> 00:46:16.719
other lives and we're just a consciousness and this body
1239
00:46:16.739 --> 00:46:17.920
is just a vessel for a bit.
1240
00:46:17.940 --> 00:46:20.000
Guys?
1241
00:46:21.199 --> 00:46:24.260
I'm sat under my foot now as well.
1242
00:46:24.300 --> 00:46:26.239
So what did you do? Did you research it, Dan?
1243
00:46:26.400 --> 00:46:28.360
No, so I recorded him and.
1244
00:46:28.469 --> 00:46:30.590
Did you ask him to spell Socky? Because that could
1245
00:46:30.610 --> 00:46:31.489
be spelt in a variety.
1246
00:46:31.530 --> 00:46:34.130
No, he started, when we were interviewing him, he started crying,
1247
00:46:34.389 --> 00:46:36.550
like getting really emotional when he said, I was left,
1248
00:46:36.590 --> 00:46:38.650
I was abandoned and I was alone. And it was
1249
00:46:38.670 --> 00:46:40.389
really hard to work out where to push him in
1250
00:46:40.409 --> 00:46:43.110
the conversation. and he was three he's three and so
1251
00:46:43.150 --> 00:46:45.909
i put this up on twitter and honestly thousands of
1252
00:46:45.949 --> 00:46:48.730
replies it still comes virtually every day even though it's
1253
00:46:48.769 --> 00:46:51.070
a couple years old now people saying i was in
1254
00:46:51.110 --> 00:46:53.710
a taxi cab in new york with my son and
1255
00:46:53.789 --> 00:46:55.449
we were riding through and he and he pointed out
1256
00:46:55.489 --> 00:46:57.329
the window and said i used to shop in that
1257
00:46:57.389 --> 00:46:59.429
pet shop and it wasn't a pet shop it was
1258
00:46:59.469 --> 00:47:02.059
a delicatessen but then the taxi driver went oh my
1259
00:47:02.079 --> 00:47:04.099
god that is insane 10 years ago there was.
1260
00:47:04.039 --> 00:47:05.760
A pet shop there fucking hell.
1261
00:47:05.780 --> 00:47:07.980
And it's not there anymore oh my god oh my
1262
00:47:08.039 --> 00:47:12.389
god i'm getting all itchy i'm rubbing my I do
1263
00:47:12.409 --> 00:47:13.960
that when I'm nervous or excited.
1264
00:47:14.280 --> 00:47:15.940
So you guys haven't had that with your kids yet?
1265
00:47:16.000 --> 00:47:17.099
You haven't had the past life?
1266
00:47:17.119 --> 00:47:18.880
No, I don't want to have it with my kids.
1267
00:47:20.179 --> 00:47:23.579
I know you're going to offer a mealy-mouthed response to this,
1268
00:47:23.619 --> 00:47:24.650
but do you believe it?
1269
00:47:24.699 --> 00:47:26.420
No, I don't. No, no, no.
1270
00:47:26.480 --> 00:47:29.860
Oh, you don't. You think it's all bullshit?
1271
00:47:29.940 --> 00:47:31.659
I don't know what it is. It tends to be
1272
00:47:32.019 --> 00:47:34.460
someone who follows me did a chart of all the
1273
00:47:34.500 --> 00:47:37.000
people that replied with stories and worked out that something
1274
00:47:37.039 --> 00:47:40.010
like 80% were people who had three-year-olds. It was in
1275
00:47:40.090 --> 00:47:41.989
that gap, in that vicinity.
1276
00:47:42.010 --> 00:47:43.949
We threw it, thank God, with one of them.
1277
00:47:44.230 --> 00:47:45.769
Yeah, you passed it.
1278
00:47:45.949 --> 00:47:47.849
Yeah, just put a lid on it. Keep it quiet.
1279
00:47:47.989 --> 00:47:49.869
Don't scratch the surface. That's what I say. It's always
1280
00:47:49.889 --> 00:47:53.670
the best approach. So you have a lot of followers
1281
00:47:53.710 --> 00:47:56.269
that sort of, because obviously with the QI and then
1282
00:47:56.289 --> 00:47:58.710
the podcast are quite into facts. You said one of
1283
00:47:58.730 --> 00:48:01.389
your followers like did a chart and analysed the data
1284
00:48:01.449 --> 00:48:01.710
on that.
1285
00:48:01.829 --> 00:48:02.110
Yeah.
1286
00:48:02.269 --> 00:48:03.869
And, you know, I've got a few followers. I don't
1287
00:48:03.889 --> 00:48:07.610
think any of them would do that.
1288
00:48:07.659 --> 00:48:11.360
Is that Josh who does that for you? He does
1289
00:48:11.389 --> 00:48:12.639
like a stat to me.
1290
00:48:13.099 --> 00:48:13.820
I love a stat.
1291
00:48:14.559 --> 00:48:16.579
That's really interesting. And so how did you deal with
1292
00:48:16.639 --> 00:48:18.460
it with your kid? Did it come up again? Did
1293
00:48:18.480 --> 00:48:19.699
you chase it down again?
1294
00:48:19.719 --> 00:48:21.760
Yeah, I did, because I was interested to see how
1295
00:48:21.780 --> 00:48:24.829
the story would change days after. And it didn't. The
1296
00:48:24.889 --> 00:48:28.670
name stayed the same. But then I think it then
1297
00:48:28.730 --> 00:48:30.719
turned into a performance because he is still a three
1298
00:48:30.739 --> 00:48:32.699
year old. So, yeah, you're sorry.
1299
00:48:32.739 --> 00:48:34.239
If he's getting attention for it.
1300
00:48:34.260 --> 00:48:34.820
Exactly.
1301
00:48:34.840 --> 00:48:36.099
He'll think this is a fun story.
1302
00:48:36.179 --> 00:48:37.739
So we were out in, I think it was a
1303
00:48:37.800 --> 00:48:41.119
Hastings area, and he pointed at a building and said, oh,
1304
00:48:41.159 --> 00:48:42.880
that's where my old family was. And we're like, come
1305
00:48:42.940 --> 00:48:45.780
off it, mate. We're done. We're done.
1306
00:48:45.840 --> 00:48:48.039
Fucking hell, change the record.
1307
00:48:48.099 --> 00:48:48.980
You had your moment.
1308
00:48:49.000 --> 00:48:52.119
Come off it, mate. I'm not so much a kid.
1309
00:48:52.380 --> 00:48:57.320
Come off it, mate. Cut the shit. Dan, have you
1310
00:48:57.340 --> 00:49:00.139
got any holidays booked with the newborn? Are you putting
1311
00:49:00.179 --> 00:49:02.179
a line on the holidays until they're older?
1312
00:49:02.239 --> 00:49:05.460
No, we're going to go back to Australia. My brother's
1313
00:49:05.480 --> 00:49:09.050
getting married next October. So that's the first biggie, I think.
1314
00:49:09.469 --> 00:49:11.730
So you'll be flying with a six and a half
1315
00:49:11.769 --> 00:49:13.869
year old, a three and a half year old and
1316
00:49:13.889 --> 00:49:14.750
a one year old. Yeah.
1317
00:49:15.010 --> 00:49:19.489
And the prices to get back to Australia. No one
1318
00:49:19.530 --> 00:49:21.659
told me this. about parenting and i assume that everyone
1319
00:49:21.719 --> 00:49:23.519
must have known it but i didn't realize that once
1320
00:49:23.539 --> 00:49:25.340
you become a parent and your kid goes to school
1321
00:49:25.519 --> 00:49:27.719
you now live in the most expensive bit of the
1322
00:49:27.760 --> 00:49:31.380
world You can only travel when you're going on school holidays,
1323
00:49:31.429 --> 00:49:34.349
which is when everyone's travelling. Everything is at its peak
1324
00:49:34.429 --> 00:49:37.570
cost in order to be someone now who exists in
1325
00:49:37.590 --> 00:49:39.409
the world. And I didn't realise that.
1326
00:49:39.929 --> 00:49:42.530
You've got to buy five seats. Five seats.
1327
00:49:43.949 --> 00:49:44.880
To Australia.
1328
00:49:44.889 --> 00:49:49.119
Oh, and you're going to hate every moment of that journey. Well,
1329
00:49:49.139 --> 00:49:50.340
the journey, not once you're there.
1330
00:49:50.400 --> 00:49:52.539
You don't really want to go back for that fucking wedding,
1331
00:49:52.559 --> 00:49:53.300
let's be honest, Dan.
1332
00:49:53.320 --> 00:49:55.860
Since Zoom's arrived, I think we could get away with that.
1333
00:49:57.449 --> 00:49:59.230
It's my brother. I can watch it. He don't care
1334
00:49:59.269 --> 00:49:59.949
that much. Yeah.
1335
00:50:00.050 --> 00:50:02.679
We went back in March of this year. So we
1336
00:50:02.699 --> 00:50:05.800
had Wilf and Ted. Ted was under two because that's
1337
00:50:05.840 --> 00:50:07.699
another thing when, you know, you start paying for tickets
1338
00:50:07.719 --> 00:50:09.650
when they turn two. So it's a scramble just to
1339
00:50:09.690 --> 00:50:10.849
get in as many as possible.
1340
00:50:10.909 --> 00:50:11.269
Yes.
1341
00:50:11.429 --> 00:50:13.210
That last one when they're still on your lap. But
1342
00:50:13.230 --> 00:50:16.389
then you've got a 23 month old on your lap. Yeah.
1343
00:50:17.730 --> 00:50:19.750
boulder and they don't want to be there they need
1344
00:50:19.789 --> 00:50:20.510
a chair.
1345
00:50:20.409 --> 00:50:23.869
Yeah exactly yeah god the first flight that we did
1346
00:50:24.010 --> 00:50:26.889
was the first leg because in covid times as well
1347
00:50:27.210 --> 00:50:29.730
you can't really stop in the countries you you'd usually
1348
00:50:29.750 --> 00:50:32.429
stop in because of covid restrictions in australia so we
1349
00:50:32.449 --> 00:50:35.789
had to fly direct to darwin which was think was
1350
00:50:35.849 --> 00:50:39.369
a 16 hour first leg flight 16 hours so even
1351
00:50:39.409 --> 00:50:42.070
though the kids were amazing the kids slept for 10
1352
00:50:42.070 --> 00:50:45.400
hours on the first leg and there's another six hours
1353
00:50:46.860 --> 00:50:47.340
Even if.
1354
00:50:47.280 --> 00:50:50.000
Your kids are perfectly behaved, it's still awful.
1355
00:50:50.119 --> 00:50:53.300
Yeah, it's still chaos, yeah. And the fights that my
1356
00:50:53.360 --> 00:50:55.579
wife and I ended up having, we get on really,
1357
00:50:55.619 --> 00:50:57.699
really well, but we were pushed to a limit. And
1358
00:50:57.780 --> 00:50:59.400
when we got off the plane, everyone was like, oh,
1359
00:50:59.440 --> 00:51:00.940
the kids were so good. And we were like, were
1360
00:51:00.960 --> 00:51:03.920
they really? And one guy just went, the parents were not.
1361
00:51:03.940 --> 00:51:08.570
And apparently we were so chaotically yelling at each other.
1362
00:51:08.590 --> 00:51:12.090
Just like... Every time I sat down, Fidel needed just
1363
00:51:12.159 --> 00:51:12.719
another thing.
1364
00:51:13.539 --> 00:51:17.619
Yeah. Why don't you tell me when I open the
1365
00:51:17.659 --> 00:51:19.320
fucking thing? Exactly.
1366
00:51:19.340 --> 00:51:21.389
It's because it's a 16 hour flight. We bought like
1367
00:51:21.489 --> 00:51:24.030
all these activities. I didn't use any of them, but like,
1368
00:51:24.050 --> 00:51:26.309
you know, as a result, there was like 20 bags,
1369
00:51:26.309 --> 00:51:28.829
20 different things that I had to fucking navigate to find.
1370
00:51:28.849 --> 00:51:31.079
It's definitely a dad job, isn't it? The bags.
1371
00:51:31.219 --> 00:51:33.400
It was honestly, it's the most stressful thing and not
1372
00:51:33.420 --> 00:51:33.760
for the kids.
1373
00:51:33.780 --> 00:51:35.780
Getting it out the top. What we do is we
1374
00:51:35.800 --> 00:51:37.780
get like a wheelie case and then we put their
1375
00:51:37.820 --> 00:51:40.280
backpacks in the wheelie case because they never wear them.
1376
00:51:40.530 --> 00:51:42.409
They'll never pull their own bags. We get like one
1377
00:51:42.429 --> 00:51:44.550
wheelie case that I'll push along and we put their
1378
00:51:44.590 --> 00:51:46.710
backpacks in that. So it's easy to get to because
1379
00:51:46.730 --> 00:51:48.730
when you're trying to carry a kid's backpack in your hands,
1380
00:51:48.849 --> 00:51:50.429
it's awful. Yeah. It's too many things.
1381
00:51:50.449 --> 00:51:52.260
Fenella bought these ones where they sit on them and
1382
00:51:52.300 --> 00:51:53.019
they can ride them.
1383
00:51:53.320 --> 00:51:53.860
Trunkies.
1384
00:51:54.019 --> 00:51:55.179
Trunkies. Trunkies.
1385
00:51:55.199 --> 00:51:57.219
Oh yeah, but they don't sit on them and ride them.
1386
00:51:57.460 --> 00:51:59.579
With Ted, who was under two. His legs didn't even
1387
00:51:59.639 --> 00:52:00.360
reach the ground.
1388
00:52:00.480 --> 00:52:01.639
Oh, the worst.
1389
00:52:01.800 --> 00:52:04.130
I'm stuck with the trunkie with a two-year-old who's crying
1390
00:52:04.170 --> 00:52:06.670
or under two because he can't move. Oh, my God.
1391
00:52:07.010 --> 00:52:09.769
Just a nightmare. Whoever invented the fucking trunkie.
1392
00:52:09.789 --> 00:52:10.269
Oh, mate.
1393
00:52:10.429 --> 00:52:11.760
How long are you going to Australia for?
1394
00:52:12.030 --> 00:52:13.559
I don't know. A couple of weeks, I guess. Maybe
1395
00:52:13.579 --> 00:52:14.119
three weeks.
1396
00:52:14.659 --> 00:52:15.000
Yeah.
1397
00:52:15.019 --> 00:52:18.239
Because that's going to be interesting for, like, a jet
1398
00:52:18.260 --> 00:52:19.780
lag as well with kids, right?
1399
00:52:21.389 --> 00:52:23.170
Yeah, I have terrible jet lag, so that's fine. It
1400
00:52:23.190 --> 00:52:25.710
means at least you're up in the evening. And also,
1401
00:52:25.809 --> 00:52:27.889
I'm around family, so we can just give the kids.
1402
00:52:28.340 --> 00:52:30.960
We'll stay in the house, and it's such a beautiful bit.
1403
00:52:31.000 --> 00:52:32.460
Have you guys done Australia?
1404
00:52:32.599 --> 00:52:34.599
Yeah, Rob's just about to go to Australia.
1405
00:52:34.659 --> 00:52:35.719
Yeah, in the next couple of weeks.
1406
00:52:35.760 --> 00:52:36.670
What are you doing? Are you touring?
1407
00:52:36.909 --> 00:52:41.170
Yeah, I'm doing Perth. Adelaide Brisbane Canberra Melbourne Sydney then
1408
00:52:41.190 --> 00:52:44.389
Wellington Auckland Christchurch that's exciting I know yeah can't wait
1409
00:52:44.409 --> 00:52:46.090
so where are you from in Australia.
1410
00:52:46.030 --> 00:52:48.719
Sydney Sydney yeah so in the northern beaches we live
1411
00:52:48.820 --> 00:52:50.460
right next to the beach where Home and Away is
1412
00:52:50.480 --> 00:52:53.500
filmed that's our local beach oh Summer Bay Summer Bay
1413
00:52:53.679 --> 00:52:55.219
yeah that's amazing.
1414
00:52:54.980 --> 00:52:57.559
Have your parents ever done the hair of any of
1415
00:52:57.579 --> 00:52:58.400
the cast of Home and.
1416
00:52:58.360 --> 00:53:00.719
Away yeah definitely yeah yeah.
1417
00:53:00.599 --> 00:53:03.869
Are they still celebrity hairdressers or now they're just normal hairdressers.
1418
00:53:03.699 --> 00:53:06.510
No they're now normal hairdressers yeah the celebrity was in
1419
00:53:06.550 --> 00:53:07.809
Hong Kong that's all done.
1420
00:53:07.690 --> 00:53:10.929
Now They still have photos of Madonna on from like
1421
00:53:10.929 --> 00:53:11.449
40 years ago.
1422
00:53:11.469 --> 00:53:12.170
Yeah.
1423
00:53:12.230 --> 00:53:16.170
Hey, can I quickly say, I've been listening, my wife
1424
00:53:16.230 --> 00:53:18.650
and I, part of our 12 days of having our kid,
1425
00:53:18.889 --> 00:53:21.510
every single night we've been listening to the audiobook of
1426
00:53:21.659 --> 00:53:22.320
Parenting Hell.
1427
00:53:22.360 --> 00:53:23.380
Yeah, thank you.
1428
00:53:23.400 --> 00:53:26.000
It's honestly, we've been crying with laughter.
1429
00:53:26.019 --> 00:53:26.469
Oh, thank you.
1430
00:53:26.480 --> 00:53:29.099
It's absolutely amazing. I think it's one of the funniest
1431
00:53:29.139 --> 00:53:31.980
books that I've read in years. Oh, thank you. Get
1432
00:53:32.000 --> 00:53:33.239
the audiobook. Oh, my God.
1433
00:53:33.260 --> 00:53:34.670
Well, thanks, Dan, for listening to it.
1434
00:53:34.849 --> 00:53:35.380
Yeah, thank you.
1435
00:53:35.389 --> 00:53:37.929
It's so good. Guys, it's so good. It's so good.
1436
00:53:37.949 --> 00:53:38.369
Oh, thank you.
1437
00:53:38.610 --> 00:53:39.610
Well, not as good as your one.
1438
00:53:39.650 --> 00:53:40.489
Thank you. I was hoping.
1439
00:53:40.590 --> 00:53:43.429
Well, to be fair, this has been a book loving.
1440
00:53:43.550 --> 00:53:45.030
That's more or less brought us to the end.
1441
00:53:45.150 --> 00:53:46.460
We've got the final question, though, Josh.
1442
00:53:46.489 --> 00:53:49.980
The final question, yeah. Final question. What one thing does
1443
00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:52.400
your wife do that annoys you that you haven't brought up,
1444
00:53:52.420 --> 00:53:53.780
but were she to listen, this would be your way
1445
00:53:53.820 --> 00:53:54.320
of telling her.
1446
00:53:54.699 --> 00:53:57.639
And what one thing does she... How would you put this, Rob?
1447
00:53:57.679 --> 00:53:59.360
I always don't know how to put the positive one.
1448
00:53:59.719 --> 00:54:02.210
What's something she does that's absolutely amazing as a parent
1449
00:54:02.250 --> 00:54:04.130
that you forget to remind her about or tell her
1450
00:54:04.230 --> 00:54:06.010
because you sort of take it for granted sometimes?
1451
00:54:07.050 --> 00:54:10.090
Yeah. So the first one is she really needs to
1452
00:54:10.130 --> 00:54:12.469
stop throwing away my retro toys that I buy for
1453
00:54:12.489 --> 00:54:12.889
the kids.
1454
00:54:13.070 --> 00:54:13.949
Yeah, I agree with that.
1455
00:54:14.280 --> 00:54:18.019
So just because Michelangelo from the original Ninja Turtles series
1456
00:54:18.079 --> 00:54:20.179
is missing a leg doesn't mean he goes in the bin.
1457
00:54:20.420 --> 00:54:23.239
It's a precious toy. So yeah, she needs to hear that.
1458
00:54:23.619 --> 00:54:26.360
Can I suggest a storage lockup? Ah. We've just got
1459
00:54:26.380 --> 00:54:28.809
a storage lock up and all my shit's gone in there.
1460
00:54:28.829 --> 00:54:30.409
The other day I went in to drop something off
1461
00:54:30.449 --> 00:54:32.010
and I just sat on one of the chairs that
1462
00:54:32.050 --> 00:54:33.730
was in there for an hour. And.
1463
00:54:33.750 --> 00:54:36.469
It was nice. Oh, you mean you didn't even play
1464
00:54:36.530 --> 00:54:38.769
with any toys or anything. You just... To get away.
1465
00:54:38.789 --> 00:54:40.139
No, no. I just sort of sat there in the
1466
00:54:40.179 --> 00:54:42.289
dark pretending I was sorting out my little box.
1467
00:54:42.300 --> 00:54:43.639
And you just hung out in there like you were
1468
00:54:43.659 --> 00:54:44.880
in solitary confinement.
1469
00:54:44.900 --> 00:54:45.079
Yeah.
1470
00:54:45.099 --> 00:54:46.719
Like a Hannibal Lecter.
1471
00:54:46.739 --> 00:54:49.599
Yeah. Yeah. In just a warehouse.
1472
00:54:49.659 --> 00:54:51.440
A little room in a warehouse.
1473
00:54:52.440 --> 00:54:55.610
It is a bit like prison. It was quite nice.
1474
00:54:55.630 --> 00:54:58.590
It was a Sunday. It was really quiet. It sort
1475
00:54:58.630 --> 00:55:00.469
of felt like the bleakest bachelor pad of all time.
1476
00:55:02.300 --> 00:55:04.929
So what's the positive thing, Dan? What's the great thing
1477
00:55:04.969 --> 00:55:05.530
about Fenella?
1478
00:55:06.030 --> 00:55:10.349
She's instilled empathy and kindness into my kids in a
1479
00:55:10.369 --> 00:55:12.250
way that I don't think I ever could have imagined
1480
00:55:12.530 --> 00:55:16.929
myself doing. I keep noticing how polite they are around people,
1481
00:55:16.969 --> 00:55:19.690
which is not what I am. Like, I won't say
1482
00:55:19.730 --> 00:55:22.429
the formal sort of thank yous and pleases and everything.
1483
00:55:22.889 --> 00:55:25.699
and looking out for making sure that everyone feels like
1484
00:55:25.739 --> 00:55:28.380
they've been served a drink. Like she's so good at
1485
00:55:28.420 --> 00:55:31.219
reminding them to look at the room around them and
1486
00:55:31.340 --> 00:55:34.219
to make sure that everyone is included as part of
1487
00:55:34.559 --> 00:55:37.590
the room with kindness. It's such an important thing to
1488
00:55:37.969 --> 00:55:40.889
have kind kids. And I couldn't have put that into
1489
00:55:40.929 --> 00:55:43.949
my kids because I'm just too busy just buying them toys.
1490
00:55:44.110 --> 00:55:47.030
Whereas she's like, she's working on the core soul of them.
1491
00:55:47.389 --> 00:55:49.510
And yeah, that's the thing that she needs to hear
1492
00:55:49.530 --> 00:55:50.449
from me more, I would say.
1493
00:55:51.139 --> 00:55:51.780
Oh, that's lovely.
1494
00:55:51.820 --> 00:55:52.380
Thanks, Dan.
1495
00:55:52.480 --> 00:55:52.960
Thanks, mate.
1496
00:55:53.000 --> 00:55:54.920
And good luck with your book and the podcast. And
1497
00:55:54.980 --> 00:55:55.719
thanks for coming on.
1498
00:55:55.739 --> 00:55:56.940
Thanks, man. Cheers, Dan.
1499
00:55:56.960 --> 00:55:57.940
Thanks, guys.
1500
00:56:00.420 --> 00:56:02.800
Dan Schreiber. I love Dan Schreiber, Josh.
1501
00:56:02.860 --> 00:56:04.949
Yeah. I'm really excited about reading his book.
1502
00:56:05.349 --> 00:56:06.489
I think... It's.
1503
00:56:06.489 --> 00:56:07.500
Absolutely my thing.
1504
00:56:07.539 --> 00:56:09.679
He's one of the, like, whenever I gig with him,
1505
00:56:09.739 --> 00:56:11.980
I sort of leave happier. He's so positive and he's
1506
00:56:12.000 --> 00:56:14.579
always got loads of facts. I reckon he'd be a
1507
00:56:14.679 --> 00:56:16.699
great person on a stag do just to sort of
1508
00:56:17.159 --> 00:56:19.469
bond the two separate groups. You know, sometimes on a
1509
00:56:19.489 --> 00:56:21.869
stag do, there's like the friends from home, the work friends,
1510
00:56:21.889 --> 00:56:23.730
the uni friends. Just him in the middle.
1511
00:56:23.869 --> 00:56:26.230
Or he'd be the ideal person to live with and forget.
1512
00:56:26.369 --> 00:56:27.789
And wipe your arse with his tail.
1513
00:56:27.949 --> 00:56:28.849
Yeah, was that you?
1514
00:56:29.170 --> 00:56:31.809
Absolutely not. I'd rather go out of a shitty arse
1515
00:56:31.829 --> 00:56:33.159
than wipe my arse on someone's tail.
1516
00:56:33.179 --> 00:56:34.539
There we go, that's the end of the episode. We'll
1517
00:56:34.559 --> 00:56:35.679
be back on Tuesday.
1518
00:56:36.800 --> 00:56:39.920
I'll die on that hill. Dan Shriver, buy his book
1519
00:56:39.960 --> 00:56:42.300
and listen to his podcast. Really good guy and very
1520
00:56:42.340 --> 00:56:44.619
funny bloke. And we'll see you on Tuesday. I'll see
1521
00:56:44.639 --> 00:56:45.420
you on Tuesday, Joss.
1522
00:56:45.440 --> 00:56:46.820
See you on Tuesday. Bye.